#655 - TOM GREEN + ADAM RAY
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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...

With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, y'all. The LA Forum is right around the corner. And contrary to a lot of people's rumors, there are still tickets available for that. The YouTube Theater two days later has sold out. Also, there's still a few tickets available for Night One at Madison Square Garden, the two-night super mega event, the biggest in Kilhtoney's history, Travel.com.

Go there. We'll see you there. And I am on tour with Stand Up Comedy. Me and some of your favorite cronies from the show do our own stand-up sets. I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Boston, Massachusetts, Baltimore, Maryland, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, Texas, St. Louis, Missouri, Nashville, Tennessee, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando. And then that is all of the stand-up on the road I am doing until 2025. I'll be releasing that special just after May. We'll see you guys on the road. Nothing but love. Here is another episode of Kill.

Oh my goodness.

Welcome, indeed. You made it. You're at Kill Tony. Hi, everybody. This is the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, DraftKings, Talkspace, and GameTime. How about a hand for the band, everybody? That's the best goddamn band in the land right there. The Kill Tony Band. No doubt about it. This is the great Matt Muehling here on the electric guitar. John Deese on the keys.

Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Carlos Sosa on the horns. Fernando Castillo on the horns. And Raul Vallejo on the horns. I forgot to write it down. It's like a goddamn fucking food truck menu over there. Chicken enchilada on the horns.

Carnitas Tosada on the trombone. Makes noise for the great D Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Oh boy. Do we have a show for you on this evening? Before we start it, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. ♪

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's episode?

Boy, oh boy, oh boy. Ladies and gentlemen, every single week, some of the funniest people on planet Earth. This is an unbelievable, unbelievable booking. I present to you one of our favorite comedians, two of our favorite comedians of all time,

who basically started this gangster shit, the whole fucking have your own show, sit at a table and fucking, you've been watching him for decades and also joining him, the 2023 guest of the year. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Tom Green and Adam Ray. ♪

Adam Ray! Tom Green! Charlie! Woo! This is Kill Tony! Holy shit!

Tom Green in the fucking house. An absolute dream booking. We've been trying to get him for 11 years. Had him booked right before the global pandemic. Unbelievable. Took this long to get him and now we got him with little Charlie here. The bum bum song, by the way. That was the bum bum song. That was indeed the bum bum song. What an intro. It is. This is Charlie. Hi, Charlie. Charlie's listening to a totally different podcast right now. Yeah.

Charlie's listening to Theo Vaughn right now. Yeah, man. My principal was a raccoon, man. No, he wasn't, Theo. No, he wasn't. You can tell by that roar of laughter that that is indeed the 2023 guest of the year, Adam Ray in his natural

Human form. I love this show. I love Tom Green. I love... This is fucking... This is gonna be a great night. This is a dream night, an absolute booking of the ages. We're so, absolutely so pumped to have you guys, and we're gonna have a lot of fun. Adam, obviously, guest of the year. You know what you're doing. Tom, you might have an idea. I think you've seen the show a few times, but there's a bucket here filled with...

about 200 human souls that have attempted to get pulled out. If they get pulled out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

I'm pre-pulling a name now. We're going to go grab that person from the bar across the street. Poor Choices here on 6th Street, an absolutely chaotic street filled with bars, chaos, homeless, shootings, everything you can possibly imagine. It's a lot of fun. The homeless is getting, I feel like, better or worse in the last... It depends on if you are pro-homeless or not. Depends on what you mean by better.

They're different. It's always a rotating cast of characters out there. There was a guy last night. He came up to me and a couple of fellas, and he was like, you guys got to have a couple of dollars. And I was like, I got you, man. Gave him a five, and he goes, I'm going to get pizza with this. And I go, fuck yeah. I think there's a lot of spots open. Came back, no joke, like two minutes later, and he goes, you got any pizza for me? And I was like, I thought that's what I gave you the money for. And he goes, fuck you, man. And then...

walked away. So I feel like that's funnier, but maybe not better as far as hospitality goes. That was me, by the way. Thank you. Thank you very much. Ooh, it's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

the one and the only you might recognize her is one of the octagon card girls from our arena shows at the H.E.B. Center follower on Instagram Gina with three A's dot H.G. for those of you that like a Wi-Fi password for an Instagram handle she's got it hard to figure out right now there's nerds rewinding the podcast at this very moment like what the fuck did he say I want to follow her

Three A's? Gina? I thought her name was Heidi. Why is it Gina? What the fuck? But yeah, that's her. She's absolutely unbelievable. A little something to balance out the ridiculously meat-filled sausage fest that we have on this stage. Daddy, would you like some sausage?

Hell yeah, another hit. I'm doing all the hits tonight. So we have pre-pulled the name. They're going to go wrangle that person. In the meanwhile, I would like to introduce you all to the newest regular on Kill Tony. If you don't know, now you know. Ladies and gentlemen, writing and performing a brand new minute every single week to start the show. I present to you the great and powerful Casey Rockett. Thank you.

This is how you remind me. All right. Very cool. Hell yeah. Maybach music. All right. Very cool. I think I just shook my nuvering loose. All right. There we go. Yeah, it's basically been the worst week of my life. My fiance tried to break up with me for drinking too much Robitussin in the bedroom. This ever happen to you boys? No?

Well, you tell me who got the better end of the deal, because she married a banker, and I can smell ghosts now, so pretty cool. Danny Phantom. All right. Very cool. Hell yeah. God, I think the Dow Jones just dropped. I got to go. I got to... Hell yeah. I'm a PR nightmare. God. Nights like this, I understand why JFK killed himself. You know what I mean? I...

Is that a conspiracy that people think about? That's what I think. He had Jackie O in his ear all day. When are you going to get a real job? Breathe in. All right, very cool. Hell yeah, hell yeah. The Dutchman's Key. The Dutchman's Key.

Wow. Oh, my God. The one and the only one of a kind. Get it while it's hot. KC Rocket has arrived.

To the Kill Tony universe. Oh my goodness. Another amazing performance. Literally one of my favorite things I've ever seen you do. Keeping a key in your mouth throughout your set. Letting it fall out. The Dutchman's Key. Had to hit him with the Dutchman's Key. I thought... Had to. Had to, man.

I woke up around 3 p.m. today. I plugged the key in there just in case so I wouldn't forget. I wanted to be ready, and I've never felt sicker, so I'm excited. Oh, yeah, you have lead poisoning for sure. It's a lead key, and I've basically been dipping it for several hours. Hopefully it worked. Have fun.

Totally original specimen. This is what you get with Casey Rocket. Absolute chaos, movement all the time. I like the movement. Yeah. You move around a lot. Thank you. I like the way you move around a lot. That's cool. Thank you.

Famous for the crab walk. We've seen it left to right, measured at unbelievable speeds. We used a baseball radar gun on them. We got them up to 26 miles an hour sideways. No way. That's sideways, this direction, folks. Not running forward, sideways on a theater stage. How did the crab, what is the origin of the crab walk?

So, yeah, so we talked about this last week, and I feel bad. I feel like I misled you. He asked me, how did you start being crab man? And innocent enough. And I told him that me and my buddy drank a bunch of Robitussin, and he turned red, and we were laughing. We were like, you look like a crab. And that's not exactly true, but I can show you. I filed a freedom of information request. Okay.

I don't know if you guys are interested in kind of figuring out my story, but... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It says Bones Jones Rocket on it. That's a nickname we didn't know about. I filed it under an alias so they wouldn't track me. Yeah, Bones Jones Rocket. My Christian name is... Yeah, nobody's... I didn't think you could read that. So it started on a day like today, Baton Rouge, 1981.

A woman. Oh my God. I'll burn through these real quick. A child was born. Okay. A child was born. Not just any child. It was me. I was named the youngest catcher in MLB history at three years old. I had a 40-40 season.

40 home runs, 40 stolen bases. There I am, Chicago Cubs. Wow. Yeah, life had never been easier. No baseball glove in that picture. I played old school. My father brought me up right, old school baseball. Just a cap and a hand and a hot dog and a cap and a hand and a hot dog. Son, you don't need a glove.

There you go. Absolutely. But you gotta stop fucking dancing in the outfield. At a 40-40 season, I was an MLB All-Star by the age of four, and they treated me not only as a prodigy, but as a monster. They chased me out of town, and me and my dad starred on Deadliest Catch together for seven seasons. Yep, that's my old man. Garlo. Garlo Tarlow. He was my father. Yeah.

We loved each other. There's another picture of him. I'm going to throw that up there. He's pretty fucking old. He was 85. Wow. I can definitely see the resemblance. The baseball cap says it all. He passed me down the hat when I was seven years old and then tragedy struck. Oh, no. He was attacked by a giant raving mad crab monster thing. Oh, no. He almost died.

But fortunately, he was able to fight it off. That is until... He fought it for a little longer. He fought it for a length of time. Hard to decide which picture to use during the fight scene. Might as well use them both.

He had a GoPro on, and for that, I'll forever be thankful. He really aged during the fight. It lasted a while. He was on Deadliest Catch for nine seasons. I had CTE. I couldn't play ball anymore. Tragedy struck. He was assassinated by Bobby Moynihan. Oh, what an amazing twist. I wish it didn't happen either. He was my old man.

with musical guest, Modest Yahoo. They gave him a Viking funeral and they buried him at sea. The most famous Vikings in the world were there. Nord VPN, Ava Elfie,

Randall Cunningham, I believe. Randall Cunningham. And cut to 20 years later, I won my first Olympic gold medal in crab freestyle racing. Wow. 700 millimeter. 700 millimeter. And I met all my heroes. Nelson Mandela. Wow. Just so you know, there's 38 more pictures.

And then one day, ladies and gentlemen, I got a package in the mail. My dad had been dead a number of years after he was assassinated by Mr. Moynihan and his ragtag group of miscreants. And I opened the package, and sure enough, he never forgot. It was a crab leg from the very crab he took down that night on that beach in Panama City. It looks smaller than the ones... It was a leg that grew a body. LAUGHTER

And there was no footage, we had to draw this one, but I remember looking at that leg and thinking about Garlo and that was my dad's name, Garlotarlo, if you remember from earlier callback. And I said, you know what? Maybe being a crab's not such a bad thing after all. Maybe being a crab is more human than being a man. Maybe we're all a little bit of a crab sometimes.

And maybe that's okay. Thank you. Oh, my God. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, with an absolute award-winning performance, I mean, you could have won an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, a Tony. I think you just did it. I think you got the, what's that called?

The EGOT. I think that's the first time anybody's ever... I think this is the first time someone's got an EGOT during their performance here on Kill Tony. That's the best crab murder Bobby Moynihan story I've ever heard. Tom Green, what do you think about it? I mean, there's not enough crab stuff going around in comedy right now. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. Like, it's a good angle, because you've got to find an angle. That's a new angle.

No one's touching it. It's funny your dad actually taught me how to catch crabs, too. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much. I love it. Casey, an unbelievable performance to start the show. We fucking love you so much. Thank you, guys. Thank you.

He's on tour. He's on the road with me, with William Montgomery. Try to follow him. He's hard to track. He moves side to side at an unbelievably fast pace. Make some noise one more time for Casey Rockett. Oh, my goodness. What a way to start the fucking show. Casey is on fire. Crabs.

And now we go to the bucket. You guys know how this works. Anything can happen. We don't know anything about these people before they get pulled. Anybody has an opportunity.

Lower your expectations following that unbelievable performance from KC Rocket. But who knows? These bucket pools could be the future. It's where we found everybody that's ever been on the show. Here, right now, 60 seconds uninterrupted to your first bucket pool of the night, Brendan Mahaney, everybody. Brendan Mahaney.

My truck's been in the shop for the last four weeks. I'm really starting to understand why you people used to hang horse thieves around here. I mean, besides being called around on Tuesday. I mean, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if pizza rolls weren't my favorite food. My therapist says my obsession is more like a projection because we have so much in common. Both cheap, fattening, baked at $4.25. Thanks, mom.

I was recently informed that I look like my Pornhub search history just says Bass Pro Shops. Yeah, I ain't even mad. I mean, I hunt whitetail all year round. I know I got a face for camo paint. I mean, God wrote that joke. I'm just leaning into the punchline, you know what I'm saying? I mean, I will say my love life is a lot like fishing. You can't clean what you can't catch. That's why I took up running. But I always catch and release. Always catch and release. Remember...

Single moms are like hard drugs. Recreational use only. Do not fuck around and get addicted. They will both fuck your life up. Wu-Tangs for the kids. Okay. Brendan Mahaney...

Wow. This is amazing that you're here since I was informed that you were murdered by Bobby Moynihan with musical guest Matt Asiyahu. Yeah, you're a Bobby Moynihan character for sure. Congratulations on your victory in a fight against a giant crab. This is amazing to have Casey's father follow him like this back from the grave. Uh,

This is incredible. Brendan, is this your first time on the show? Yes, sir. Okay, well, welcome. Did you come straight from the Vietnam War? Or from an Army surplus store. No, I did. I was in the Army 14 years. Let's go, dude. Thank you. Oh, wow. That's a...

Thank you. Actual man in our audience. That's what I'm talking about. My fucking battle buddy over there. Yeah, absolutely. What did you do in the army exactly? I was a tanker. Yeah? And then I got sent to Afghanistan where we don't have any fucking tanks. Right. We tanked pretty hard on stage tonight, so that's good news. Yeah.

So what did you do in Afghanistan if you're a tanker with no tanks? Well, then they sent us to train the police. Oh, no tanks. No, no, no. Thank you, John Dees. Something's not adding up here.

I was actually with Canadians. Yeah, they had, Canadians had tanks over there. Wait, Canadians have a military? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. My dad was in the military. Hell yeah. He was a tanker, actually, as well, yeah. They represent me. We only have one tank, though. It's a Volkswagen Beetle with a shotgun welded to the roof. Hell yeah. How much other, what were your other porn hub searches besides fish stuff? In fact, I'm not the first person to ask you that.

I mean, actually, yeah, you are. What are you really into? In a non-comedy world, what do you actually look up when you're looking at porn? I'm not sure I want to know, to be honest with you. You do, Tom. I do. I feel like it's going to surprise us. I feel like he's going to shock us right here. What are you into exactly? I mean, I usually just scroll the thumbnails, and by the third scroll, I'm done. Wow. Somebody call Leonard Skinner, because I think we have a simple man here. Yeah.

My goodness. He's not picky. He's not picky. I mean, I spend so much time beating off in Port-A-Johns, I get a stiffy every time somebody crop dusts me, man. Disgusting, dude. Jesus Christ. Why didn't you do that in your set?

It's believable. Instead of ending with a PSA about single moms and then being like, Wu-Tang's with the kids. Yeah. Which is not a bad closer, but... Now, wait. Single moms. You fucked with a lot of single moms? Yeah. How many? Two or three. Wow. I didn't... I'm a hard learner. Yeah. I was raised by a single mom, so I'm just trying to envision if you were in the... If my mom came home and was like, Hey, meet this guy.

You want to go fishing? Yeah. No, not the way you said that. Oh, yeah.

That was the character. But you would say that to the kids? I mean, yeah, I just don't even at this point. But yeah, I try to involve the kids. Okay, so Brendan, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About nine months. Where at? Since I moved here. All in Austin, Texas? Where'd you move from? Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Uh-oh, okay, you grew tobacco? No.

Actually, I was a physical security technician. What does that mean exactly? Installing key card readers and cameras and stuff like that. Okay, very good. Thank you, Red Band. Thank you so much. That totally made fucking sense. What was that? I didn't recognize that. What was that song that you just played there? I didn't recognize that.

So, Brendan, what made you want to start stand-up comedy nine months ago? How old are you, 51? I just turned 44. Okay. Yeah. My goodness. Wow. It's been a good life. Afghanistan did you dirty. Yeah. Good Lord. This man's a hero, by the way. A tankless tanker.

Why does it look like the American flag on your hat is removable? Do you have a flag of a different country underneath or something? It's got the Taliban flag right under it.

Is that Velcro? Am I seeing that right? You can take that off if you want? Is there anything underneath? No. Do you have other Velcro things? Do you switch it out sometimes when you're mad at America? No. Turn it upside down? That's not a bad idea. That's not a bad idea. Turn it upside down and shit? Sure. Do you have other Velcro replaceables? Yes. What other types of Velcros do you put on your hat? I have one that is IR reflective so you can see it when you have your night vision goggles on.

I have one that's like... Red Band's hard as a rock right now. It's fucking cool. There was absolute silence in the entire mothership except Red Band goes... Finally, another night vision feather. Keep in mind, fellas, this guy can murder us with your fingers. No doubt about it. Did you ever kill anybody when you were in the army? Yeah. You did? What did you do to do that? Bore them to death?

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Go ahead, go ahead. Well, the first guy died from an infection, so... Wait, the first guy what? This man is an American hero. Okay. Come on. What did you say? The first guy what? He died from an infection. What kind of infection? HIV? Well, I... Wait, that's not... So that's how you take out the enemy? You give them an infection? Well... Syphilis. Slow burn. I gave him syphilis.

We got another one. Snuck into their tent in the middle of the night and jerked off on them. Things get wild on a Thursday in Afghanistan. I went to Kandahar, actually. I did stand-up in Kandahar. Nice. Were you over there at the time? No, I did see Robin Williams. Okay, well, yeah, that's probably better. Yeah.

You got to see Robin Williams? Well, actually, I missed his set, but he saw me crying by the fence, and he came off the bus and got a group picture with my team. He's like, don't worry, there's more single moms out there. Why were you crying by the fence at the time? Well, basically, the first thing I saw when we got in country was this banner that said, hey, we got a USO show.

On this date. And so I knew Robin Williams was going to be there. And that's all I look forward to all year. And then that day, we got called across to another province because the chairman of the Joint Chiefs wanted to look at a truck team. Okay. So the reason why you were crying is because you weren't going to get to see Robin Williams? Yeah, we missed it. We got there right as the roadies were packing up. But...

But he came over and said hi to you? Yeah, yeah, it was awesome. He got off the bus and he was like, hey, do you like the show? And I was like, we missed it. He's like, oh, shit. And he went up and got everybody off the bus and made them come out and take a picture. Wow. Just think, if he wouldn't have talked to you, he might still be with us right now. Some people say this was the thing that put him over the edge. Yeah.

How do you feel like this went tonight? Did you have fun up here tonight? I had a good time. I'm glad, you know, I'm looking forward to doing better next time. Absolutely. You're super poised and, like, comfortable. Like you said, nine months, right? Yes, sir. Yeah. Did you do it in Salem, North Carolina before you came here? I tried. It's a lot of, you know, you show up and they're like, hey, do you know Tony? And like, oh, sorry, this is full kind of stuff, you know.

Not you, Tony. I mean, I just meant Tony Robbins. That's a weird name to use. That's a weird... You could have said any name. Any name. Yeah. Hey, do you know Tony and Red Band? All right, this is a little joke book. Welcome to stand-up comedy here at the Mothership. Welcome to the Kill Tony world. A minute from Brendan Mahaney to start the bucket pool portion of the show. Thank you for your service.

To start the bucket poll portion of the show. Thank you for your service. And we go straight to our second bucket poll. Just like that. You see how it works. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your next comedian. Robert May, everybody. Robert May. Here he is. How we doing, everybody? Got some exciting news to share. I am happy to announce I am no longer taking the anti-depression medication that the doctor was prescribing to my mom.

So, that's good. She really needs it right now. I'm going to be fine. Instead, I've been recently taking this stuff from her oncologist. It's way stronger. Feel that shit in your lymph nodes. You ever booved thyroid meds? We used to call them lymph biscuits.

Yeah, couple of Fred heads in here. My mom's cool though. She used to bum me some of her Adderall when I was like in between scripts or whatever, 'cause she knows I need it. Not proud to say that at my age, but I've been taking it every day for nearly two decades. It is what it is. My mom on the other hand, my mom is 69 years old and retired. What the fuck do you need Adderall for mom? You gonna do laundry harder? 'Cause your plants aren't growing any faster. One time I came home, this woman was folding the dishes.

That's my time.

A good set. Solid. Robert May. Welcome. Have you been on the show before? Negative. First time. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? On and off about a year and a half, two years maybe. Okay. About two years. Guys, what do you think about Robert May? I like that. I wasn't asking you guys. I was asking the esteemed panel here. Thank you. Adam Ray and Tom Green. Some nice writing there. Good writing. I like that. Very well done. Very well done. I know your mom too, by the way.

She gave him crabs, yeah. That's why she's on antidepressants. Wait, you said on and off stand-up. What was causing the breaks? I worked at a comedy club that opened up down the street like two years ago. Kind of got into it.

fucking bombed right off the bat. Took some time, got back into it more intentional now. Wrote the folding dishes joke and then was like, I'm ready. That was it. I was like, I got one minute. Yeah. You said you take Adderall yourself? I do, yeah. Does it help? It does. I think so, yeah. With what? Just about everything, man. You don't happen to have any on you right now, do you? They emptied our pockets. Just asking for Tony. Okay.

What do you do for work now? I'm in sales. I sell lasers for manufacturing. Wait, what? Lasers? Wow. No, you don't. What the fuck? What do you really do? Fucking Luke Skywalker and shit. Lasers. What the fuck? Wait, what? That's some bullshit. Like the bottom of your can might have like a laser mark on it. Can you sell us a laser right now? Can you show us how you would sell us a laser? Oh, I don't know. I might need to buy something. What should I get? Oh, hey, what do you do?

I sell lasers. Wow. Well, why would I need a laser for? All sorts of things. What kind are you looking for? Something that shoots like a laser. Perfect. I got a deal. Two for 20. What the fuck is going on? It's 20 grand. This feels like a video that that fucking fish guy would look up on Pornhub.

I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck, what do you mean lasers? You mean like Pink Floyd laser light shell? Lasers? No, no, like for marking any kind of product. Like on cans, you see a lot of them, like your expiration date on water bottles. I still don't understand. You mean when you buy something at the checkout at the store?

Like a barcode. The little, the barcode laser reader. No, no, no. Etching. Not, not exactly. Oh. But like the best buy date. He's got to be hard to sell. You guys typically aren't my clientele. Yeah. I don't think anyone likes your fucking attitude right now. No, that's fine. What do you do for fun, Robert? What else do you do when you're not doing stand up? I love to golf. The lovely Heidi, everybody. Oh, thank you.

I would say golf is, uh, one of my favorite hobbies. I just got back from Hawaii yesterday, five days, played a couple of courses, one course. I don't know why I said couple, uh, one course out there. So I love to golf. I love graphic design. Also, it's a passion of mine. Oh my goodness gracious. Red band's heart is a rock again. Um,

Interesting. What's your love life like? By the looks of your hair, you fucked right before your set. It's going well. I got a girlfriend of two years. We were in Hawaii together. Oh, nice. She thought I was going to propose the whole time. Oh. No. We did take a helicopter to the top of a waterfall. Oh, my God. That's on me. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. But it was planned a while ago. Oh, my God.

The whole time you're like, what a great place to get proposed. That's what everyone said. Everyone's like, oh, are you here for your honeymoon or a special occasion? I'm like, shut the fuck up, man. Wow. It was Moana Codbloggers. Did you acknowledge it at all? No, we did. Yeah, we're very open about it. She knows it's going to happen sometime soon. It's going to happen sometime soon, but not on top of a helicopter waterfall in Hawaii. When do you think you're going to do it? Are you just setting her up for compliance?

complete disappointment, Adam? What do you think? What do you think she's more bummed about? The fact that she didn't get proposed in Hawaii on a helicopter or the fact that you sell fucking lasers and can't describe it properly? I mean, wait, so you got to make pretty good money doing this, right? Well, that's how we got there. Yeah, I guess. Did you meet her? Okay, so break this down for me. The first date, you're selling lasers at that time, right?

No, actually, I was working at the comedy club down the street. Okay, great. And so then she was like, you need something more stable, babe. She does better than I do. What does she do? She's like an HR business partner for a microchip manufacturer here in Austin. Okay. All right. So she's used to working with things that are micro? I'd say so.

Okay. So when do you, what do you, now that you haven't done it on a waterfall in Hawaii, when do you think you will? What do you have planned? What do you have up your sleeve? That's a great question. We were thinking about that or I was thinking about that the entire time. Yeah, she was thinking about it too the entire time. Like how big do you want to go? Or does she just like just put some flowers out and like just, because some girls don't want a big hoopla, right? Like she'll almost be thrown off if you do that. She mentioned she wanted it on a jumbotron.

Are you fucking serious? Dude, run for your life, bro. Oh my God. You should have fucking pushed off that helicopter. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. All right. I said maybe an open mic. Okay. So yeah. So just kind of looking up and like, it'll be you and then you'll just go. Yeah.

I really can't think of how that would work, honestly. Wow. Yeah. I mean, you could have Red Band, like, send a cameo or something. That is true. That would be good. All right. What's something crazy we'd be surprised to know about you, your entire life, your history? Ever do anything nuts? Accomplish anything? Anything weird? Special skills or talents? Anything about you at all? Those are a couple different questions, I feel like. You can answer any of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that I like graphic design. I mentioned that, but I've done it freelance for about, since college, so for 15 years. How about not graphic design? All right. How about something a little more exciting? You ever save somebody's life? You ever almost die? You ever do anything exciting? Something, not in front of a computer screen. Yeah. I just joined an adult men's baseball league. It's for 30-up-year-olds. Whoa. Whoa.

I think we found out what Jumbotron someone's getting proposed on.

Oh my goodness. What position do you play in this league? Shortstop and pitcher. Wow. Okay. What type of heat are we throwing? What do you got about? Low 80s, upper 70s, low 80s. Wow. That's pretty good. Okay. Can you put the mic in the mic stand and show us your pitching? We'd love to. Wind up or stretch? Let's do wind up. Okay. I'll give you the baseball announcer, right? Yeah. What was your first and last name again?

Here he goes, Robert May, everybody. Congratulations, Robert. There's the big joke book. Here he goes, on to the next one.

Oh, you know what? We have a special treat for you guys. You guys like special treats? Ladies and gentlemen, you know, every once in a while on this show, and it's crazy. Lately, we have found out that we have some amazing fans in different parts of the music universe. And here to perform for you, ladies and gentlemen, right now, at this very moment,

One of I mean, this is an artist that has been around our lives for as far back as I can remember here to perform on Kill Tony. Make some noise for the insane clown posse's very own Violent J, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Oh, shit. Oh, hell yes. Wow. Wow. Awesome.

Appreciate the applause and all, but it's not like any of y'all ever bought our shit. Quit playing. And that's why I thought about what I want to say out here, and I thought, fuck it. I don't give a fuck what any of them think. Nobody. I'm going to be personal, very personal with y'all, all right? Because I don't care. I've never had butt sex. No, seriously, I'm a 51-year-old man. Love sex. Never had butt sex with a man, unfortunately, or with a woman.

I've always been told my dick was too big and I thought well that's just shit but I want to have butt sex too. I've always been told my dick was too big but I'm gonna tell you this nowadays I watch Pornhub all day and that's a lie. That's a fucking lie. My dick is not too big for nothing. My dick is like somewhere between small and medium and it's crushed down like a fire hydrant. It's like Barney.

Fred and Barney, you know, it's like, if my dick was a man, it'd be Barney. But people, you know, I wanted to announce me and my girlfriend the other night, just the other night. For real, no bullshit. We got to tip in. That's a big move for me. It boosted me with mad karma. People always ask me about the face paint, in case you don't know this, I got clown paint on it.

And people always say, "Does that fuck up your face? Does that shit fuck up your face?" Shit, you motherfuckers wish you could see how immaculate my face is without the paint. This shit is like wearing, I started wearing it at 19. Damn near every day of my life. This shit is like olive oil, skin cream. It's like wearing a fucking mud mask. I'm beautiful without it. Like, no, for real. I got the body, everything about my body is 51.

But my face is 19 years old. I'm dead serious. Immaculate. And I don't wear my hair like this when I don't have the paint on. My shit is primped, pressed, plucked, and fucking curled. Ric Flair. For real, my shit is gorgeous. You know, I'm pretty like Prince. Can't say Prince wasn't pretty. Prince was fucking damn near hot.

I was so sad when Prince died because I always knew if I had to fuck a man, like if my life depended on it, it'd be Prince. Or 1983 Michael Jackson with the caramel fucking skin and the gorgeous ass fucking jerry curl over that sexy eyebrow. Quit fronting. He was perfect. But now, but now because they're both gone, if I had to fuck a man, it'd be Keanu Reeves. No, no, not because I think he's hot.

It just seems like he's so cool and a big hearted guy. He would be real gentle with you and help you through it. You know what I'm saying? He would be patient with you. You might even spoon afterward. You know what I'm saying? And so that's why he's my choice. Fuck yeah. Violent J. Three minutes and 30 seconds. Rock solid.

The whole way through. You ever do stand-up before? Say it again? Have you done stand-up comedy before? Fuck no. Listen, let me tell you something. I'm shaking. I'm nervous. I'm going to tell you why. Wow. Perfect. For real. No. Comedians, to me, I always looked at comedians like I could never do that. Two things I know I could never do, be a comedian or a stripper.

For real. Because both take crazy amounts of courage, you know, and confidence. Mad fucking confidence, you know. Everybody's expecting you to make them laugh, you know what I'm saying? And that shit is scary. You sound like you have a lot of confidence, though, the way you talk about your cock. I'll tell you that.

A lot of confidence, yeah. A solid set for a first... I mean, a rock solid set for a first time. I love this self-deprecation. You made it look like you were bragging about having a big dick. I appreciate that. And then you went small to medium with it, got big laughs, making fun of yourself. I can't wait for Keanu Reeves to see this. Yeah.

Here's my impression of Keanu Reeves and Riley Funkin. Whoa! Now, you brought up the butt sex thing right out of the gate. How did you decide that to be the opening joke? It's true. You know what I'm saying? And, you know, I didn't realize I was actually going to do a set.

You know what I'm saying? And we talked about, I was going to talk about when I went to Skank Fest. But then I was like, fuck that. I'll try to think of some funny shit. You know what I mean? And that was the shit. It was a great experience, man. You did good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You did good. Fuck yeah. Kill Sony all day. I'm proud to be here. Yeah. Fuck yeah. That's a great fuck yeah. I mean, an example to people that come up here because sometimes people come up and they're either not prepared or they just fucking bail on themselves. But even though you didn't have a full game plan, you fucking went for it, dude. Hell yeah. That's a big deal. I'm Gorilla. Yeah.

I got to do the Legion of Skanks podcast at Skank Fest with Violent J and Roseanne Barr, and it was one of the most fun, wildest shows I've ever done in my entire life. Dude, that's the best Mary Fuck Kill I've ever heard of. It really was. It was.

I've done stand-up at the Juggalo Fest once, too. That was a good gig. Oh, yeah. And they're very similar. Yeah, what's up, fam? My girlfriend. Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. My girlfriend. I'm a Juggalo. My girlfriend had told me, like, three weeks before that event, I had a dream you're going to be on stage with Roseanne Barr. And I was like, what the fuck? It was funny. I'm making fun of her. And then three weeks later, we fly out there, no sleep.

No sleep. We played Seattle the night before. Had the flight. It was like 4 in the morning. All I did was add a bag of mushrooms. Some kid slapped him a hand on the way out of the show. And I was such in a bad mood. I was like, why did I agree to come to this? I don't even know what it is. I have no idea what I'm walking into. I ate those mushrooms, jumped in the car. I'm like, let's go. Oh, yeah. Can you imagine being the driver with you on mushrooms looking like that? I'm sorry.

Take me to the fucking Roseanne Barr's house. I need to fuck somebody in the ass tonight. No.

had no idea. Roseanne, I had no idea. Nothing. I didn't know nothing. I thought, I'm not gonna lie, I did, I did, fuck, who's podcast? And he's the one that invited me. Yeah, it was Jay Gomez. Yeah, and I didn't know, I thought it was gonna be a podcast. Yeah. I didn't even know it was gonna be in front of a crowd. Right, and it was, it was in front of a crowd. And one of the things that I remember very clearly, big, giant, huge crowd were podcasting. He

is truly on a unbelievable amount of mushrooms. You know, it's kind of like a podcast thing when people don't have much to talk about. Sometimes people will do mushrooms and it'll be a running joke like, oh, he's on mushrooms. Ha ha. He's imagining this or that. He was on fucking a shit ton of legit mushrooms. All the signs are like sometimes he would just fade out and like come back from a daydream. He was deep in mushrooms. No.

And about two hours in, let me just tell this real quick. About two hours in, Louis J. Gomez is like, you know, I'm just so happy to be able to have this festival, have people like Tony, Roseanne, Violent J. I mean, look, Dr. Drew sitting in the third row. This is like two hours into the podcast and Violent J. goes...

Holy fucking shit, that is Dr. Drew. He had noticed and he said, You can't just have Dr. Drew be sitting in the fucking crowd like it ain't a fucking pink and green flashing elephant. It's Dr. fucking Drew sitting there. And it was so blatantly Dr. Drew like sitting right there. Just couldn't be anybody else. Man, that fucking thing was so much fun. I was standing in the crowd watching, right? And I forgot I was even a part of it.

I'm not lying. The mushrooms were all kicking in at this point. Oh, yeah. And when we got there, we finally started walking. It was getting more and more crowded. You could start smelling weed everywhere. And you're in a beautiful fucking venue. Yeah. You know what I mean? Everybody's drinking. It's like 1 p.m. And then we turn the corner and there's a boxing ring with two chicks in thongs fighting. And like a thousand people watching. And right then I'm like, whoa, this is dope. Oh, yeah.

I like that story better than the fucking Prince in the Ass one. Hell yeah. I mean, they were both good, though. Yeah, if something ever happens to me, you got to do my audio book. Fuck yeah. Like the autobiography. This motherfucker.

Play Wolverine at Universal Studios Hollywood. It is incredible, Violin Jay. You are a very, very amazing performer. The Juggalo Gathering is happening again. That's what you do. That's what you say, everybody. Juggalogathering.com, the festival of... That's what you're supposed to do.

Juggalos. Yeah, what's up fam? What's up? Where is that festival? Where does that take place? Oh, shit. Is it always somewhere different? Yeah, I know you guys do it every year. That's a lot of mushrooms. The gathering of the juggalos. The gathering is like in Indiana, I believe. I went to the one in Cave and Rock, Illinois. It was in Cave and Rock. We moved it to Illinois. What a night. It was a... Ohio! No, it's in Ohio. It was a star-studded event.

Tequila was there. Ron Jeremy. It was just Method Man was there. Method Man was there. I never liked Ron Jeremy. How come? I never even put that... I want to make this quick, real quick thing. I always didn't like him. Every time I went to L.A., Ron Jeremy and his stank-ass breath. Anywhere.

And I just was like, back off me, man. I told him that. He never liked that fool. Yeah. I didn't mean to bring up a sore subject. Oh, oh, oh, by the way, you're right. No, no, no. You're right. He did play. He did come to the gathering in the next year. During the gathering, we were hearing complaints and we kicked him the fuck out. Oh, wow. Straight up. Straight up. He never even performed.

Gallagher was there too. He's like, he didn't get stomped. We're old school gangsters. Oh, yeah. Bro, how many people have any... But we knew he didn't have any money, you know? It's not like he could sue us. Right. Yeah, exactly. How many people do you think have refused a meet and greet with Ron Jeremy because they're like, dude, I hear his breath smells like fucking diarrhea, man. Yeah, I think anybody that wants to meet Ron Jeremy is going to go along for the ride.

I don't think the breath is a deal breaker on that. But yeah, if you get close enough, I guess you know. Yeah. Violent J, an unbelievable performer. Thank you so much for coming out, man. Thank you. So cool. Thank you all very much. Thank you for listening. So much fun. JuggaloGathering.com brought us an amazing bottle of champagne. What's that champagne called, Violent J? Oh, he's gone. All right. All right. Made it. Pulled up. What?

Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Scott Pott, everybody. Here's Scott Pott. This is awkward. They took my smoke bombs. I thought this was gonna be like a "Kill Tony" where we try to kill Tony. Turns out we just talk him into suicide. I did some more research though. Turns out he's gay so my plan is to seduce him and then fuck him to death. My only concern is my dick isn't big enough.

Might be a little bit too loose down there, Tony. My backup plan? Choke him to death with it. They call me the nine-inch nailer at work. It's only eight and a half, but close enough. Fuck, a minute is really long. Another one? I'm from Potland, Oregon. Can't say the hard R. There we go.

Well, well, well, Scott Pott. Look at this. I always love it when a YouTube commenter tries stand-up for the first time. This is great. Not as easy as it looks, huh, troll boy? First time.

I know. I know it's your first time. You're unbelievably terrible. Everything you thought was going to go good was bad. Yeah. Do you have like a Reddit handle and a troll account online? I'm getting a real troll vibe here because you thought you were going to come in and just fucking kill the host. I'm going to go in. I'm going to take over. Joke about fucking him to get death in his loose asshole and just dead fucking silence. I can hear Violent J breathing on his way up the stairs.

I mean, absolutely fucking god-awful terrible. I can't imagine it going any worse, but you came in with an unbelievable amount of almost confidence, but not really. But you just thought you were going to do something special here. How did you think that was going to go, Scott Pot? A little better than that. Yeah, I bet, you fucking fuck. Um...

So how old are you, Scott? Time to start answering questions now. Let me guess, you didn't like it very much. How old are you, Scott? I'm 27. What do you do for work, Scott Pot? I am a carpenter. I do construction. Oh, good job. Water damage restoration. Wow, looks like God is fucking you to death, huh? He was also a carpenter. He died at 28, so fingers crossed.

I think he died at 28. Maybe 26. I don't know. 33. One of those clubs. Scott, what do you do for fun? Tell us about your life. You've never done stand-up before. Nothing to talk about there. I smoke weed, play frisbee golf, I fish, hike. That sounds about right. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, tell us more. What else, dude? Come on. Here you are. I've smoked weed with this guy in Portland. Really? Several times. Nice. How? How's that possible? That sounds like it must have been a lot of fun. We ran into you. We together ran into you on the street today, actually. You were walking down the street. Oh, my God. Was this the guy that you were talking about? This is the guy, yeah. Holy fucking shit. We ran into Scott. And then Scott, by the way, I had no idea those jokes were in your brain. They did.

They literally told me this story about a crazy guy that they ran into while going to lunch today and somehow out of 200 fucking people you got pulled out of this bucket just to let you know we had a laugh about you earlier, Scott. Yeah.

You made an impression. We were talking about you before the show. Scott has, I've seen him at a few of my Portland shows. Very pleasant. Smoked some pot. And then I am outside with Tom and I getting lunch. And Scott's like, I just flew here. I'm signing up to get pulled into the bucket. I was like, dude, best of luck. And then two minutes later, Scott runs in front of Tom and I and goes, I swear to God, I'm not stalking you guys, but what's up?

I... You ever say that? I said, I'm not stalking you. I'm going to the pot shop. Yeah. All right. Completely different. The old Texas pot shop. Scott, I didn't know you did stand-up, though. I said it quite loudly, too. I don't think you're supposed to do that in Texas. Yeah. So this is your first time doing stand-up? Yeah. Wow.

All right. Now what do we do? Obviously. Were you planning on doing this? Was this something that you were going to do before you came across them earlier on the streets? Or did you see them and you're like, maybe this is a sign. I should sign up. No, I flew in just to sign up. You flew in here to do that set.

Something like that, yeah. Did you prepare anything else? You just thought you were going to come on and the beloved host of the show, you were going to make jokes about fucking to death and then the crowd was going to go wild at you, a complete stranger with no confidence or swagger, taking shots at the person who they love week after week, two hours at a pop, giving them unbelievable freebies.

Free content from the future and the present. Finding talent time after time, week after week, taking his own energy to book the best possible guests at the right times, at the right places, with certain things spaced out in a timely fashion, leading up to sold-out arenas all across America. Clearly, you didn't think it through. No.

A little too much pot, Scott. Yeah. Still takes a lot of courage, though, to try anyway. To fly down and try. To fly in and do that. It takes a lot of courage to do what you did up here, buddy. Liquid courage. You're still on the show. That's pretty impressive. Did you have jokes that weren't directed towards Tony and his ass and suicide? Yeah. Jokes. Yeah.

that was weird yeah i uh ran some stuff by my friend and he told me to do the stuff about is he really your friend if he told you to do that apparently he's your friend where did you meet this friend elementary school wow and he watches the show every week not every week but he's a fan what grade is he in yeah he's still in elementary school red band it's kind of

Sorry, it was too perfect. Wow. What grade is he in? A fourth grader told him, make fun of his asshole, Scott. I've never seen the show. My mom restricts my YouTube, but do it. Oh, my goodness. Scott, Scott, Scott.

You know, Bones Eye earlier, who makes all these joke books. He makes so much great shit. The key chains, all this stuff. You know, all the little joke books that say like,

It's funny stuff on the back. They have, you know, WTF with dead eyes and go home on the back of the little joke books. And earlier in the green room, he said, you know, I have this one. I don't know if you want to do anything with it, but it's a joke book. In case you come across a hairy situation, it's a joke book made out of hair. And guess what, my friend? This is the hairy situation we were looking for. Scott Pott, get the fuck out of here. All right, man. There he goes.

There he goes. A hairy situation indeed. Follow Bones Eye on social media. Bones with a Z. Eye, all one word. You know, we need to cleanse our palate after Scott Pott was just up here. So why not bring up one of our most esteemed regulars of all time? Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from a force of nature that we call Cam Patterson, everybody. ♪

What's up, white bitch? You have a pre-came on yourself, sir? You have a pre-ejaculate on yourself?

I did a lot when I was 17. It was weird, because I would ask my dad, I'd be like, hey, pops, I keep coming on myself. What do I do? He was like, nigga, that's gay. That's gay as hell. And I was like, how is that gay? You got nut on your skin? That's gay. That's gay as hell. And I've been, it was weird, because I was fucking the same girl. Right in here, I got it. I was fucking the same girl. I lost my virginity, too. And I just kept nutting on myself. And I think my dick was just like, she too much for us now.

You can't do it no more. It's too much for us. And I just kept coming on myself. I remember the last time I was fucking with her, I had my dick out and I was ready to fuck. I was ready to go. And I felt myself finna come. And I asked her to suck my dick. I went here with a sneak attack. You feel what I'm saying? I was like, just suck it real quick. And she was like, you don't need me to do that. And then I nutted. And it was weird because she threw me a rag and she was like, clean yourself up, you whore. I felt like a real dirty slut just then. That was crazy.

That's all I got right now, but I will read y'all one of my thoughts I wrote down earlier today. I wrote this down on my phone. I saw a lady with a scarf, and I just went, bitch, your neck ain't that cold. A little poetry from the great Cam Patterson. Ah!

He's done it again, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to the show, Cam. That was something. I'll tell you that, man. It was hard. That was some good stuff, for sure. Following Scott Pott, that was an unbelievable performance. That nigga was horrible. That nigga was terrible.

He was God awful, dog. Yeah. He was all kinds of bad. You came out with a blind stick and sunglasses. What made you do that? I just seen the stick and was like, I'm going to take it. Okay. All right. He not going to see me do it. See what I mean? It's true. I realize when I turn around. You might want to give it back to him. He don't really need it.

I just got to watch D Madness realize what was happening at the beginning of the set. See, I already asked you. I did. Okay. It worked out. All right.

Okay. I love it. Cam, what else is going on in the world? Shit, nothing. Just running around on the road, you know what I'm saying? Hanging out. I love it. Where'd you see a lady with a scarf earlier? It's a warm day today. Oh, wait, not today. We was in Portland or some shit. Yeah. And I seen a lady with a scarf. Her neck couldn't have been that cold. Right. I hate scarves. Scarves are fucking stupid. They are. Scarves are pretty dumb. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like, you get a turtleneck or something. Yeah.

Stars are dumb as shit, bro. I love a good turtleneck. Yeah, a turtleneck's cool. You feel me, man? How many thoughts like that do you have written down? Like, I would have listened to at least 20 more of those with some salt piano. I got a lot of random ass thoughts. I got scarf material coming around. Like, talking about scarves. Yeah, we need more of that. We need more of that shit. But you have other things written down, like, I saw this bitch at Panda Express getting double chicken. Bitch, you don't need that. You already fit, bitch. You don't need no fucking double chicken, bitch.

You do have the kind of cadence where you can pretty much say anything and it's funny. Yeah. That could be your, you might be a redneck. Like, bitch, you don't need that. That could be hard. Oh my God. He's like a new weight loss coach. Yeah. I saw an old lady at the grocery store buying tampons. I'm like, bitch, you don't need that. You're 83, bitch. Yeah. Yeah.

I saw an old nigga buying condoms. Bitch, you don't nut no more, nigga. Yeah. You don't nut no... Well, I can't say it. But that's a good catchphrase, too. You don't nut no more, nigga. I like that. That's my favorite word. Hell yeah. It's a good word, man. Y'all can't use it, but fuck y'all. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You don't nut no more, my friend. Buddy old pal. And I wish you well. Yeah.

I love it. Cam, we just did what? Cleveland and Pittsburgh together? Hell yeah. We had fun. Ate pizza and ice cream at my mom's place. That was the best. Your dad was there. We roasted your dad's feet all weekend. We're feeding the game, man. Cam's dad likes to wear sandals and he has, how would you describe your father's feet exactly? Slave toes. Yeah. Yeah, slave toes. If I had to put it in perspective, yeah. Aren't they playing Coachella this year? Yeah.

My dad got some funky ass toes, he put some socks on, I'm like, "Bitch, you don't need those!" - Wow, how did he develop such bad feet? - Oh no, bro, I got 'em too. I got bad, I got them bitches too. - Pass them down. - He gave them to me. He got like real talents, nigga. - That's what I talked to, his mom was on speakerphone before one of the shows. I said hi, we're good friends. They're on the road sometimes with us, hanging out, selling rocks and whatnot.

Actual rocks. Literal rocks. His merchandise businesses. I actually am rocking the new Cam Patterson t-shirt. Yeah, bro. Yeah, yeah. Those are fucking... In the homage of almost a No Limit Soldier style shirt. Come on, man. A throwback. Where's that at? CamPatterson.com? Yes, sir. With a K. Cam Patterson. And you can buy those, the walking sticks, too, right? I'm also selling these walking sticks. Bitch, you don't need those. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Get some scarves on there, maybe. Might need to get some scarves on there, too. Get some scarves on there. You can nut on every one of them. Yeah. That'd be a good seller. That'd be a good business. Nutting on scarves? Yeah. Would you buy a scarf I nutted on, sir? Yeah, would you buy a scarf that he nutted on, sir? It's funnier the way you say it. He look...

Had you been to Pittsburgh and Cleveland before? You go to all these new cities, right? That was my first time there, yeah. That shit was fun. What'd you think? It was cool. Well, Pittsburgh was... The theater we was at was from 1898. Oh, shit. That's crazy, dog. And it was me and Jaleb back to back. So I know the ghosts in that motherfucker were mad as hell. Who let these niggas in here, dog? What the fuck? Boo! What type of shit is this? Boo!

All right. Cam, you're a fucking superstar. Anything else you want to say before you get out of here? Oh, shit. No, man. This is the best time of my life. I'm having a good time, man. Hell yeah. We are too. We're loving it. Yeah, man. Cold-blooded assassin Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes.

Killing it on the road. I mean, literally getting blatantly better every week and he just laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh. It's crazy. Got to see him live to understand. All right. Pull another name out of the bucket. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Brian Lumbra, everybody. Back to the bucket with Brian Lumbra. Here we go. I got scammed on Instagram recently.

This guy from Gambia messaged me. Him and his siblings were starving. Him and his siblings were starving. Great, fantastic, here we go. Of course, I was gonna fucking blank out with the fucking thing I've been fucking staring at the notes outside. Okay, no, look. So this guy from Gambia fucking messaged me.

He keeps fucking messaging me. He calls me all the fucking time. I sent him money once, I sent him money twice. There's always an emergency. My phone is 911 for Gambia. It's fucking driving me crazy. I'm jerking off, Gambia's calling. I'm jerking off again, Gambia's calling. Now I'm jerking off again, I'm just like, fuck. Two weeks ago I spent $150 on malaria pills and I was like, that's it. This has got to stop. And he, I said, that's it. This has got to stop.

Yes, it does got to stop right there. Brian Alumbra. Wow. All right. Shut up. Hold on. Bring back Scott Potts. No, fuck, dude. We've all been there.

Gambia. Okay. You're really stuck on the Gambia thing. Is anything that you were trying to talk about real or true? It's all true. Really? It gets crazier, too. Yeah. Okay. What happened? Why don't you just tell us in real life, like in real, like we're just humans talking. Okay. I heard you've been getting scammed lately. What's going on? Well, I don't... I'm kind of going back and forth whether it's a scam or not, but it's always an emergency, right? And I just keep giving this guy money.

Is that really happening? Oh, it is. You keep giving somebody money? Well, it's like, I FaceTime him. He's real. No shit. You think robots are scamming you? Like, he's just this dude in Africa, and he has, like, he lives in a shack. Should we call him right now? They have no food. No. I don't know. Who's it, motherfucker? Who's it?

You just let some lady in the audience suggest a segment of the show, Adam? You bought these malaria pills? Bitch, you don't need those. You've been FaceTiming with a man in Gambia, West Africa.

I mean, there's not that much FaceTiming, but I needed to see he was real because I keep giving him money because his story's good. This is why telemarketing works. Right here. How much money have you given him? Today I sent another $150 because he sent me a death certificate. Damn.

Are you fucking stupid? Yeah. What do you do for work? It's possible he might be. I quit my job. I guess I'm doing it. You're unemployed sending money to Gambia. Yeah, I got to stop doing that. Dude, are you okay? Not really. What's going on? Fucking Gambia, dude. Okay, other than Gambia, let's take Gambia out of the equation here. You have head trauma of some kind?

I was actually dropped in my head as a child. There we go. We're getting closer. Where are you from? El Paso. What did you use? There you go. There's the answer. All right. There it is. That answers everything. El Paso, not a real place at all. You're literally the first white person I've ever met from El Paso. Congratulations. You win a hairy joke book. You said you drove Uber or you drive currently? I've done seven rides. So, I mean, I guess...

Keep at it. Yeah. No, I feel like, you know, you just really work hard enough, it'll kick off. One day, yeah. Uber drivers are known for being sometimes overly chatty. Have you brought up the Gambia story to your passengers? Guarantee yes here. Not yet. I'm going to, though.

Do you do Uber like you do stand-up, no GPS whatsoever, and you just go, man, what was the route I was going to take again? I get lost a lot. That does happen, actually. Have you done stand-up before? I've been doing it for two weeks now. Two weeks. So how many times have you been on stage in two weeks? Three. And how does that go for you? Do you tell the Gambia story? This is the first time, yeah.

that you've told the Gambia story. Yeah. What do you do the other sets? What have you talked about the other times that you've done stand-up? Uh, squirting. What? Squirting? Yeah. Okay, sure. What's that stupid-ass joke? Let's hear that. We gotta hear this, dude. What the fuck? From Gambia to squirting, your memoir title, for sure. I'd read that. Yeah, what's the squirting joke, please? Basically, like,

I made this girl squirt and I thought I was special. I like, I read some stuff and then we changed the sheets and like there was more stains than the one I just made. And I was like, I'm not that fucking special. This is kind of fucked up. And I looked at squirting differently.

That wasn't good. You don't need that. Yeah, fuck. Okay. You got to start with a premise that people would believe. Yeah, well. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, very funny, but also, yeah. Brian Lumber, you have any special skills or talents? Anything at all? I played guitar a little bit, but... Yeah, I dealt with that. All right, here's a little joke book. Right here, buddy. There you go. Brian Lumber, everybody. Absolutely terrible.

People watching the show, prepare for it. My God, memorize. It's a fucking minute. There are hundreds of people that some of them have talent that want to get on this show. Please, for the love of God, prepare. Dude, in 10 years, we're going to see a special live from Gambia. Yeah. And we're all going to watch it. It's going to be 90 minutes of... So I made all these girls square last week.

Hilarious. I'm sure he inspired a lot of your viewers out there, though, because it makes them believe that it is possible to get on the show. Yeah. No, it is true. Tonight is proof that anybody can sign up and get pulled out of the bucket. Let's see what happens next. 60 seconds uninterrupted for bucket pull. Jordan Brady, everybody. Jordan Brady is next. We're moving through it tonight. Howdy. How's it going, guys?

How's it going? Yeah, I saw a guy outside earlier who looked just like the singer of Green Day. I was like, hey, Billy Joe, what's up, man? He was like, what? I was like, Billy, Green Day, big fan. He was like, no, no, not me. I was like, are you sure, man? You look just like him. And he was like, no, dude, I'm sorry. I was like, dude, you're wearing a Green Day t-shirt. And he goes, look, man, I'm gonna level with you. I'm homeless. I found this shirt in the dumpster. I don't even know this man.

I'm just trying to stay warm, alright? I said, "My mistake, man." So I started walking off and he was like, "Wait, one more thing." I said, "What's that?" And he pointed a cup towards me and he said, "Do you have a dime?" I said, "Billy Joe!" It was him. At least I think it was him. He did smell like Dookie. I used to think that homeless people were just folks on strike against bathing with their signs and whatnot. Isn't tea just coffee on its period? With a string and whatnot?

All right, that's my time, guys. I'm Jordan Brady. Thank you very much. Jordan Brady with a good dismount. That's my time. I'm Jordan Brady. Thank you very much. Thank you. That was a good thing. You have blue-purple lips or something. What is going on there? Is that natural? Uh,

I don't know. You don't know? Might want to get that checked. I'm Cajun. Sorry, I don't know. You've never been told or noticed that you have slightly darker lips? The drinks might have been blue and shade over there at specials might have been blue at Poor Choices. I don't know. What did you have? What did you drink? I don't know. It was $6. You don't know what you drank or ordered? It was a $6 thing shot with a Lone Star. Let me ask you this real quick before anyone else interrupts.

Was it blue? It might have been. When you say it might have been, does that mean you don't remember the drink? Well, I don't have 2020, but whatever the vodka was was cheap, so it could have been blue, maybe not. If I have blue lips, I'm very confused about it as well.

You might be having a stroke right now. In that case... Jordan, you look like the seventh Brady Bunch kid that they sent to boarding school. That's what's up. My last name is Brady. Fuck yeah, dude. Real name? Yeah, real name. Not a stage name, yeah? No, not a stage name. How long have you been doing stand-up? About ten years. Oh my God. I know, I know. You're halfway there.

Wow. Wow. Jordan Brady. Any relation to Tom Brady? He also played Downs. No, but I did have an uncle who played for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but by marriage. Right. Okay. What do you do for work? Uh,

I am a musician. What kind of musician are you exactly? I mainly play drums in like a heavy melodic rock band. Really? Yeah, a tour. You really play the drums? And you've been doing stand-up for 10 years? I've been doing stand-up, yeah, 10 years. So that was just a bad minute, but you play drums? Do you do drums better than you do stand-up? I think so. Well, you know what that means, everybody. We got to do a Mexican drum off.

He could be the new drummer of the show if this goes good for him. Doing a drum solo. Come on, let's move it, Michael. Here we go. Doing a drum solo. Ladies and gentlemen, after a terrible Green Day joke and some other stuff, rocking blue lips, this may be his last performance of any kind ever. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Mexican drum off. For those of you that don't know,

He's going to do a drum solo coming in about 30 seconds or so. And if he wins, he's the new drummer on the show full time. And Michael Gonzalez is out of a job. Michael Gonzalez. Yeah. Oh, you don't know how Mexican drum offs work? Oh, yeah. This is a running thing in the show's history. A little fun fact. All time, never before has anyone beat the resident drummer.

Yeah. So, but who knows? This guy could be a prodigy. The audience decides. Okay, so it's fair and even and equal balance. Ladies and gentlemen, doing a drum solo, perhaps becoming the new drummer of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a drum solo by Jordan Brady, everybody. Here we go. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. I'm scared. Oh, God. Standing ovation from the audience and the panel. This is not good, ladies and gentlemen. Whoa. Oh, boy. We've been doing this show for a little over 10 years that may be, without a doubt, the best drum solo we've heard. Jesus, thank you very much. Thank you very much. Michael, we need you to summon the fucking gods right now, dude. Holy shit, baby. It's go time, Mike.

You gotta fuckin' hit that shit, Michael. It's not about the length of time either. He fuckin' got to it. Ladies and gentlemen, defending his throne, undefeated all time, this is Michael Gonzalez! Oh my God. An even bigger standing ovation for Michael Gonzalez. Thank the Lord up in heaven.

Wow. A battle of blue lips versus brown skin. This is going to come down to the wire, ladies and gentlemen. No doubt about it. Here's a story. Holy shit. All right, let's get right into it. How many of you have Jordan Brady winning? Whoa. Very loud. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning?

There you go. Thank God Almighty. Here's a big joke book, though, for your participation in the drum-off. There he goes. Jordan Brady, everybody. Okay. That was pretty impressive, though. Let's keep it moving. That was some good...

Some good bass drum, double bass, whatever that's called. I don't know what that's called. Yo, but for real, what was going on with his bottom lip? Dude, they were both lips, by the way. It was the top lip, too. That was spray paint. Something's up. Talented, though. Fuck. Something's up. The vodka drink that I had made at the beginning, I don't know what it was or what it looked like. I didn't look at it. I didn't order it. Some special people in this fucking bucket. I'll tell you. We're going to find another one right now. Out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there?

Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Aldo Caldo, everybody. Aldo Caldo. Good name. Let's see what happens. Make some noise for Aldo, everybody. The hardest thing about being a musical comedian here in Austin, Texas, is you let your family down twice. So I'm a musical comedian here in Austin, Texas. My album went aluminum. You can find it on Craigslist, MySpace, all that good stuff. The first song is called End of the World. Ah!

Other than that, I talk to my daughters about the future and about remembering the future since it's an election year. And we talk about what it's really gonna be like since we have a black president and a white president, what it would be like if we have a Latino president. But what if we have a gay Latino president? Soy Presidente Alejandro Ramos. Y soy Presidente de USA.

Not only have I read your books and seen the movies of your beautiful country, but I was in the musical. Chuse, chuse. What, putas, you have never seen USA? Oh, my gato. It's about time that America takes it from behind. Y mira, China, you're talking shit, cabrona. We get our child support on the 15th, and then we'll pay you. All right, Korea, Russia. There it is, a full minute 15 from Aldo Caldo, everybody.

Aldo, welcome to the show. Hola, hola. How do you feel? I feel amazing. Are you really a musical comedian? Yes, I am. What does that mean? You play like a guitar normally? I play guitar. I've jammed with Deep Madness. Oh, you have? Yeah, I know some of these homies. I play with Chris Perez right now and Louis the Singer, country artist. So you sing and you play guitar? I sing and I do like parodies of music, comedy, jazz.

I do go by Comedian. Okay. Very good. That excites the Latino people. Well, you know, I was the bass player for a boy group band called Menudo. Are you serious? Yeah. You got some Menudo fans here? Yeah, yeah. I have a totally different bit, but I was like, you know what? Let's go with the gay Latino president.

It was sort of an ass fucking theme tonight, so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's kind of good that you threw that in there. There hasn't been enough of it tonight. Yeah. I usually do my bit with the melodica, and I was going to try to jam with the guys, but it's good to know the room. Aldo, you want to sing a song for us? You want to tell the band something or other, and then they'll play it, and then you can sing something? You want to melt something good for us tonight? Can I get my instrument that's right here?

You really have an instrument? Yeah. What is it? It's a melodica. Okay. They said they have it. Oh, here it is. Can we just bring it up on stage? Wow. There it is. Nice. Very nice. What's the title of the track you're going to sing? Are you going to improvise something? It's called I Nutted on a Scarf. Matalea Tony, which means kill Tony. Okay. I like that. Oh, shit. He's calling shots. Oh, my God. This guy knows what the fuck he's doing.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Matale, Matale, Matale Matale, Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Matale Mat

Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable. Menudo is back, baby. Yeah.

Wow. Manuto is fucking back. Manuto's back. Caldo. Aldo, Caldo. I got to say, that's one of my favorite musical performances ever in the show's history right now. Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys. I agree. Wow. Bro. Yeah.

Absolutely. What were you saying? Something, something Tony. What was it? Vamos a matar el Tony. Say it again. Vamos a matar el Tony. Vamos a matar. What? Vamos a mamar el Tony. Vamos a mamar. Vamos a matar. We're going to kill Tony. Kill Tony. Okay. Cool. I love it. It's not about nutting on a scarf then. Yeah. Oh, that's too bad. I was hoping it was about nutting on a scarf. Yeah, yeah.

So catchy, man. My goodness. Still good, though. Aldo, how long have you lived in Austin? I've lived here off and on for about almost 20 years. Almost 20 years. Wow. So I kind of traveled to Las Vegas, do some...

there at a place called Area 15. And then I came back here and just kind of jumped back and forth. Area 15, what's that? The low-rent Area 51? Yeah, kind of like the... It's where illegal aliens land. Tony Hinchcliffe. Tony Hinchcliffe. It's no fun. Okay.

Area 15. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. Aldo, how long have you been doing comedy? For about eight, nine years on and off because I'll get on tours and kind of take off with bands and

come back and hit it back and forth. I love it. You in town next Monday? Yeah. Why don't you come out and do a song with the band during audience load-in? Only in your desk. Whoa. Be a special featured musician before the show starts. Invited back. That's awesome. Yes. That's big. Nice. Thank you so much. Thank you guys. Here's a big joke, folks. Aldo Caldo, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Aldo. Thank you.

And now another special treat, ladies and gentlemen. A very special treat. We go from a brown comedian to a golden ticket.

Ladies and gentlemen, this man is a fucking absolute sensation. One of our golden ticket winners with cerebral palsy who absolutely murders every time he's on stage. Ladies and gentlemen, a many year golden ticket winner that we found in Washington, D.C. years and years ago. This is yet another set by who could be truly one of the best out there. Make some noise. A new minute from Martin Phillips, everybody. Here he is.

What's up, how we doing? Okay, okay. I, you know, I'm a milk carton, so you see pictures of lost children, and I think that was just milk industry propaganda, you know?

"Guess what happens when you don't drink your milk? You go missing!" "Oh my god, oh man!" "I bet you wish you had strong bones and were to help down." So they found all those kids. It's cool.

Anyway, okay, I was hooked up with this girl, a true story. That's not the joke. That's not the joke. Fuck you. That's not the joke. Now, she didn't expect, you know, she would bite my neck. Some people might hear that and be like, man, that sounds hot. But I was like, uh-uh. Are you a vampire? Oh, fuck.

And then she nibbled my ear and I was like, well, there's not much blood there. She already done that, but... But then she blew me and I was like, there's a lot of blood there. You got me, you got me. Goddamn. I mean, if you look at this guy's track record, if you were to line up his minutes, minute after minute after minute...

Truly might be one of the all-time greats in the show's history, and you have done it yet again, Martin Phillips. Unbelievable performance. That is true about the milk cartons. I hooked up with the girl. True storyline. Pause for laughter for about 10 seconds after that one. I didn't want the laughter.

Sure, I'll take it. You're taking what the universe has given you and you are leaning into it, my friend. Leaning hard to the right into it. It is incredible how you utilize everything that life has given you and you're just absolutely hilarious. And separate from your condition. I mean, if you were fucking six foot five and muscular, you'd still be hilarious. Like, it's incredible how well-written... I got the muscle. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. You are muscular dystrophy, I do think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just the name. It's just the name. Oh, my goodness. You know what's exciting about this is any time I accidentally get an erection looking at Heidi, I can look at you, Martin Phillips, and it immediately goes away. That's so weird because it's the exact opposite for me. Oh, shit.

Prove it!

Wait, yo, big fan. Seeing you live is very fucking cool. Thank you. When did you want to do stand-up comedy? I don't know if this has been asked on the show before. I don't know. I just always thought it was funny, so I just did it. I'm sorry it isn't a better story, but yeah. That was great. Just growing up, and so I went to college, and I started to try it, and so. Were you a funny kid?

I think I was always, yeah, I was always not paying attention in class. I was always a bad student. But yeah, it was always funny. No, it was a funny story. So I, I don't know if people liked me. I was never really bullied. But this is a true story. In high school, me and my friend used to just like, you know, pick on each other because we're friends. And then...

And then I came up with this really good gag. In class, I'd fall down and get everyone's attention. Then they would look at me. I was like, "Steven, why'd you push me, dude?" And I thought everyone knew it was a joke. And then one day, I did it in the hallway, and Steven was like, "Hey, man, that's not funny."

Mrs. Smith called my mom. Yeah, so... Then my other teacher is having a bad teacher. Like, hey, Martin's full of shit. Don't bully them. So I was the bully. That's the point. I'm the bully. Good for you, man. That's so fucking funny.

Do you still keep in touch with Steven? No. I'm just kidding.

Very interesting. What else is going on in your life, Martin Phillips? Oh, I have another good bully story. I used to take physical therapy and they would pair us with another kid and I was a little bit older than him, so I would bust his balls. I just started the session and then one day before the session, they took me aside. They were like, yeah, Johnny's mom told us you didn't

in these sessions. And the point is, that kid was a bitch, okay? We were, yeah, okay? We were in middle school, okay? Don't go to mommy, okay? And he's here tonight. Johnny, come on out, man! Come on!

Johnny and Steven. Oh, fuck. Damn. So, I'm an asshole. Okay. I mean, I was, yeah. You got to end your special by pushing Steven down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, Martin, other than the carton of milk, you said that you hooked up with a girl. Was this recent? Uh,

No, that was well... Have you been getting more women in your life since your Kill Tony fame has... Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Please make that my new email. Oh, I got a text message. Sounds like a no, but I mean, you know. We could maybe change that tonight though, right ladies? Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

I'll be back. If that happens, I'll be back every week. I'll be here every night. Shit, me too. What the fuck?

What is your move? If you meet a gal and you guys are going to maybe go back to somebody's place, what's the first move? I don't know. I just have to get there first. Let me get to the place where you can feel it all down. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more like, yeah. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, I love it.

Is there a genre of music you like to have on when things are going to... Oh, well, I'll say Cloud Pulse. Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely. Nice. No doubt about it. Yeah. Is there a special dating app for people with your types of conditions? Is there a bender or a wobble or a limper or, you know? Just because I can't walk straight doesn't mean I'm not straight. You know what I mean?

I think I want a bag. I found something like that. Not good. Not the best. The guy's an inspiration. Okay? He's an inspiration. You're a true inspiration for people. Come on. I mean, this is incredible what you're doing. Yeah. People. It's amazing. Incredible. It's very inspiring. I agree.

I agree. You should be ashamed of yourself, Tom. I agree. What are you... No, that's incredible. What are you afraid of, Tom? Do you have like a history of bullying handicapped people that you don't want to come out right now? I gotta make it right tonight. I was... Wait, were you... I was the bullied handicapped person. Were you Steven?

Yeah, well, I definitely think that I relate to you in a lot of ways. Absolutely. You're getting up there and you're doing your thing and it's amazing. It's incredible. Absolutely. I love seeing you. Thank you. And I think there's a lot of people in the world that...

Probably don't have the confidence to get up and do what you're doing, and I'm sure you're inspiring them, so it's a beautiful thing, man. I really am. It's very impressive. It's incredible. He is. He's inspiring a bunch of people that don't have physical handicaps, just mental handicaps, to come up here. Like everyone else that was here tonight. Yeah, this bucket is a bunch of people that are like, if that guy could do it, I could do it. Tony's butthole's so loose that I cannot fuck him to death. All right.

That's a pretty good one. I mean, you can try some of that next time maybe. I love it. Martin, anything else we should know about before letting you go? Oh,

Just get me the fuck out of here. You are a fucking machine. I just make sounds. Those are natural sounds I make. Yeah, it's great. It's my favorite, dude. It's so funny. You can hear those wheels turning up there. Yeah, exactly, dude. We all have that. Yours are just so likable. Oh! Okay, okay. Downloading file. Me!

You know how to sing any songs? You go karaoke at all? I don't see...

Dan, dude, fuck. Just keep pushing it forward. Yeah, yeah. We have fun. That's amazing. Martin gets to do a minute anytime he wants. He's got a fucking great deal here on Kill Tony because he's loved. How long ago was that in D.C. when you won your golden ticket? I think that was like right before 2020. It was like the end of 2019. Okay.

About four years. Yeah. It's been a minute. Rocking side to side. We love you, Martin. You're an absolute freak. Another unbelievable performance by the great and powerful Martin Phillips.

Ooh, a standing ovation here. Look at that. I love it. That takes a lot. It takes a lot of courage to get up on stage. Oh, yeah. And he's overcoming his disability and still doing that. I love it. I love it.

Oh my God, what the fuck was that? Jesus Christ. Sean D's had that loaded up somehow. Oh my God. Amazing. I mean, we're all going to hell for that. I mean, it's actually, you know, a nice testament to you, Tyr, bringing people up here to have this up. You brought my friend Aaron Belisle up from Ottawa. Yeah, totally.

My hometown. That's true. A great stand-up in Ottawa. Fellow Canadian, Ottawa zone. Incredible comedian as well with a disability. Jared Nathan from Toronto, Canada, also a golden ticket winner. We have an unbelievable amount of handicapped Canadian people that we support. Myself included. Thank you very much. Welcome to the fold. I have one testicle, so there you go. Ha ha ha.

I took my right testicle. You have as many testicles as Canada has tanks. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, that's true. That is true. That is actually true. We haven't had a woman on stage tonight. I dug through the bucket until I found one representing the ladies tonight. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted from the bucket. This is Trish Smart, everybody. Here we go.

Trish Smart, your final bucket poll of the night. If you work really hard at your dreams and you don't fuck anyone to get where you're going, you could be right here. This could be you. It makes sense, though. My biggest comedy credit is I run a comedy club at Burning Man. Do you know what Burning Man is? You ever had period sex in a dust storm? Sounds like you don't know dick about Burning Man.

is a place where it's like a music festival but everyone brings their own stage. You guys know what a music festival is? That's where you go to take drugs and look for your friends for eight hours. And then one of them texts you and he's like, I'm by the medical tent and you're like, Billy's gone guys, he's never coming back. What's not to like about music festivals? You know, they have the same currency as jail. Cigarettes, bubble gum, anal. Laughter Laughter

I met a man at a music festival. I tried to trick him into my van. Keep going. I want to hear the rest of it. Keep going, Trish. Go on. The thing about it is that if you love somebody, put them in a small box and then fart in it. Was that my minute? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a minute. Minute 28.

A fantastic performance, Trish Smart. Welcome to the show. Thank you. This is your first time here, right? Yeah, it's good to be here. It's like the price is right at a dive bar. Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. It's a good line. Yeah. It's a good line. It is. Your opening joke was so funny, and when you said, has anyone ever had period sex in a dust storm? And I literally heard Martin's voice in my head go, meh. Yeah.

Which made it even funnier. Is that what he sounded like when you were doing it? Oh, you ain't need no scarf, bitch. Yeah, that's right. I had period sex with a guy with cerebral palsy. Hell yeah. That would have been a great... We'll be right back. Oh my God. Listen to the crowd.

What have you created? That noise that happens when you say those words. It doesn't translate to the internet. I know it. This show, you just have to see it. You have to be there live. Wait, I do think that could be a meme, actually. What's that? What you just said. Yeah. Wait, Comic Club at Burning Man. How does that describe that? Uh,

So you go there and you build a stage with a bunch of your friends on drugs and then you do comedy on drugs. No, I'm just kidding. It's like this. Okay. It's like being here, but we're not staring at each other. We're staring into the butthole of truth. No, I'm just kidding.

How about a real answer? Yeah. You got to go and find out. We don't talk about it. It's like Fight Club. Oh. Yeah. All right. Trish, what was it like being raised on a sitcom with Roseanne? Yeah. You look like... Uh-oh. Here we go. Tony, you look like you eat pussy with a bib.

I actually, I do. I do. I do eat pussy with a bib. It's hard to stare into your eyes like that. Absolutely. A bib to protect from the period blood. And the dust. I don't like it. The girl just dropped first blood and the winds are changing, so. Absolutely. I like your style. Thank you. What do you wear when you eat pussy? Look, I know I look like a homeless lesbian. Only one of those things is true.

Oh, shit. I live in my car. Okay. What kind of car is it? I just got a bus. It broke down and I took a bunch of standby flights to figure out where I'm going to go and I was like, I'll go to Austin and I'll see what happens. I love it. Holy shit. Are you really in your car right now? Yeah, so I've actually been living nomadically and traveling for comedy for seven years now.

Wow, amazing. And you've been doing stand-up that whole time? Yeah. Amazing. Where did your adventure start? So I started doing comedy in Las Vegas, and then I took a one-way flight to Tokyo, because if shit doesn't work out, at least it's honorable there, you know? Right. Just so you guys know, that joke fucking killed in Tokyo. And then I went to Southeast Asia. I actually came here because of Rick Diaz. I lived...

I was with him during the pandemic. We were doing shows at a burger bar in Bangkok. Wow. Yeah. Incredible. You said Bangkok and I have an erection now. That is so fucking cool. So how do you make money? So actually I sell acrylic paintings of myself on the toilet at comedy shows. Welcome back to No Shit. It's good shit. Wait.

But no, that's very real. You can visit IHateschurchsmart.com, purchase some for yourself. Let's go. Say the website one more time. Give it a real plug. I was going to ask where you get those. It's IHateschurchsmart.com. Okay, that's good. Amazing. How much do they go for? I like to debate with people, you know? I'm like...

What's this worth to you? You know, you put it in your bathroom, somebody sees it, they're also taking a shit and they're like, is that girl taking a shit? And they do pretty well. You have such, and I sustain myself. You exude this amazing energy. I could tell that you really love what you do. I do. I do.

you know, I was in, I happily lived in the backseat of my car a while, 16, 17 years ago behind the comedy store when I was working there and everybody, you know, especially my mom back then would always say, oh, Tony, I don't know why you're doing that, but I loved it. I was happy. I was a part of something. I loved what I was doing. I was getting better. I, you know, and I can tell that you feel that way. You love what you do. It's not about what you have. It's about what you're doing. Yeah.

And I feel like I'll be living in the backseat of my car after tonight. You want to get in the van, Tom? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Someone's got period sex in their future. Yeah. Your bum is now a bum. Your bum is now a bum. Wait. Stop bringing up all the hits. Can you for real give us the pros and cons of the bus living? Because that sounds awesome. So it's my first bus, actually. I've lived out of several different cars. I had like a Civic. I've had different vans, all kinds of stuff. I like to say I vanifested.

Do you know what manifested is? No, I got it. I manifested a van and then I'm like, uh, didn't mean to kill my grandfather doing it, but here we are. Oh, that's the line. Okay, guys, we'll have period sex and I never want to love it again. Apparently. Yeah. Do you, uh, but so you want to, uh, like, would you like to have like a place at some point or do you like the kind of moving and shaking lifestyle? Uh,

I just get to do more comedy this way. So I just do it that way. You know, you love Austin. I mean, you're here in the new hub of stand up comedy. I'm enjoying many comedy clubs all within a small area of each other. That's why I came here. I didn't know what to do with myself. And I was like, where can I do comedy? How long have you been here now? I actually got here today. Wow. Yeah, that is incredible.

The final bucket poll of the night. Very, very lucky. So you're staying in a car right now? No. So the bus is broken down in Virginia right now, right? And I have a pilot buddy, so I've been taking these standby flights and I couldn't get one out of Tucson. I did a show in Bisbee, Arizona two nights ago. Okay. Fake place. Keep going. So I just took... It does look like a fake place. It looks like a cardboard cutout and you can just hit it at any time it's gone. And then I took a...

a rental car here. So I just drove 13 hours and I'm just exhausted staring at you. You have no place to stay. Actually, I will be sold a timeshare tomorrow and I have a very swanky hotel downtown. I don't know if you've ever done the timeshare thing. It's amazing how well they take care of migrants nowadays.

So how, what is that? What is that? How does that go down? What do you mean a timeshare at a hotel? Explain to us. So if you go to enough hotels, they'll call you and they'll be like, do you want to take this survey? And then if you lie to them about how much money you make, they're like, oh, we'll give you a nice swanky hotel and we'll give you a visa card for sitting through our presentation because you'll buy a thing. But they have no idea how broke I am. And this will release after that. So.

I'll get sued. Amazing. All right. Well, life is short. We're all going to die. You're fucking funny. I'm putting you in a hotel for the rest of the fucking week. Whoa. Look at that. I'm fucking doing it. I'm fucking doing it.

I've done it before and I'll be honest, sometimes it didn't work out great. But you're fucking really funny and you give a fuck and you deserve to have a chance and I'm going to do it through the week. But if you're like, I can fend for myself, then it's okay. No, absolutely not. I will take the handout. I will gladly help you out like that because you're fucking really likable and you're funny and everybody needs a fucking boost. Thank you. Thank you.

She has arrived to Austin, Texas. It happened today. Tomorrow, here at the Comedy Mothership, the great Brian Simpson hosts an all-improvised show called Bottom of the Barrel. Would you like to do the late show here at the Mothership? I would love to do that. Well, there you go. You're doing a Comedy Mothership official spot. Trish Smart, Red Band, and I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday at the Sunset Strip. Wow, look at that. Thank you so much.

Doing spots every night. Welcome to Austin, Texas. And you're leaving with a big joke book as well. There you go. And you know what? I'm also going to give you one of these cool key chains, even though you don't have a key to put on it. There you go. I got a new hotel key. Do you hear that? Absolutely. Congratulations. You're the type of person that we hope to pull out of the bucket. We found you. Trish Smart. There she goes. Thank you.

And don't forget, IHateTrishSmart.com. Go buy a painting. Support her. Very funny lady. Can't wait to see her again. There goes Trish Smart, everybody. There she goes. Wow. What a great last bucket pool of the night. Amazing. There's only one way to close a show like this, ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps you've heard of them. Some people call them the Indianapolis Ionizer.

Some people have referred to him as the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine, the Connecticut Connector, the Sultan of San Jose, the Corpus Christi Christian. This is indeed the one and only, lights out, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to name my first child Steve Harvey Oswald.

Witnesses in Dallas say they saw a man in a bright purple suit fleeing the scene. Frankly, I think it's disrespectful to wear a band t-shirt to another band show. So if I catch you wearing your Bon Jovi hoodie at an Apex Twin concert, Red Band, I will fucking kill you. You piece of shit.

The White House made two important announcements last week, with the first being that the bag of powder found in the White House after Hunter Biden had been there was not cocaine but sawdust. The second announcement was that the White House thinks you are stupid as fuck.

Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Amazing. Ladies and gentlemen, nobody does it like him. The record holder for all-time appearances on this show, the record holder for all-time interviews, and yet you come out guns a-blazin' every fuckin' week with some of the best, most original-to-you material imaginable. You look good. You look pure. Why was that funny, dumbass? I specifically heard you fuckin'...

an amazing performance. You are popping. Your star power is incredible. The hair is redder. The face is whiter than ever. What have you been doing exactly? I swear to God, I'm not going to keep on beating a dead horse, but I ate a bowl of All Brand Buds last night and I ate another one today. And I had two legitimate shits. And Tony, I've started putting a bunch of blueberries in with my All Brand Buds.

And it looks like I'm not chewing my blueberries. They're all in the toilet. They're all in the doo-doo, Tony. All these full-looking blueberries. I don't know. It's a new thing. We had another guy that was eating blueberries tonight, too, right? The blue-lipped guy. Yeah. We had a blue-lipped guy here tonight. He also fucked Prince in the ass. Yeah. And came on somebody's scarf. The...

I know something like that. Purple rain happened. I'm trying to catch heart. Purple rain. If you mix blue and flesh. Purple rain happened. Purple rain happened. Purple rain happened. Purple rain. All right, we're done with that. Okay. Yeah, no, that was crazy. He was pretty good at the drums. Were you scared? I was thinking, I bet your fucking ass is scared right now. Yeah. A little bit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Tom, they're cheering because that's what I normally fucking say, you dumbass. So don't fucking do that again. Not in front of Tom Green, dude. Seriously. I grew up watching you, Tom. I'm a big fan. It's a pleasure to be standing up. I can tell.

I've never seen in his history, by the way, I've never seen William be so nice to a panelist before, I must say. I appreciate it. I'm a big fan, too. I've been watching the show, of course. Oh, my God. I'm a big fan, too. I remember, Tom, one of the funniest things I think I saw was when you were with the Indian family at the house. They were renting out the house, and you all end up drinking and throwing the furniture out.

I thought that was so funny. Yeah. I thought that was so funny. Y'all end up throwing the furniture off the thing. It was great. Thank you. Thank you. Two legends of the game. This is an incredible eclipse. Tom Green, the guest of the year, Adam Ray, and the record holder for all-time appearances and kills William Montgomery.

So funny, Will. Beautifully lined up. What an angle I have on this comedy eclipse of greatness. William, what else is going on this week? I was in Detroit, Michigan this past weekend. I was doing shows there. It was a lot of fun. And it was really exciting, Tony, to hang out with Barry Sanders. Barry Sanders met me at the freaking airport. Wow.

We drove around, and it's so strange, Tony. We ended up at Wayne State University, kind of close by the downtown area, and me and Barry Sanders, I'm not proud to say this, but we found a couple of people on that college campus, and it was mainly Barry, but we fucking strangled...

Two people on Wayne State University's campus. I mean, Barry Sanders' fucking hands are so giant. He was brutalizing these people, Tony, but I wasn't stopping him. Wow. Yeah. Wild week. Scott Pott told me that same story before the show.

How did you end up hanging out with Barry Sanders? It's one thing with blueberries, but a blackberry is wild. Wow. Wow. We'll be right back. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Chaos! Chaos! William, what else is happening?

Going up to Tony, this is going to be my first weekend coming up in Spokane where I'm going by myself. And, Tony, I'm so nervous. You're headlining. Yeah, I'm headlining. It's my first headlining weekend where I'm by myself. Tony, I am scared to death. I know nobody in Spokane. It's going to be really cold. I'm worried I'm going to end up in the hotel room the whole time. And when I start staying in the hotel room, I swear to God, y'all, I just start getting so sad. Okay.

Okay, thanks for coming out, everybody. Yeah, dude, well, you got to get out. Spokane, I've been there a bunch. Thanks, Red Band. Yeah, what was that, dumbass? What the fuck was that? That was no one. I heard that.

John Deeth. Spokane does... I mean, you're right to be a little apprehensive. It doesn't have a lot to offer, but they're down to... There's an arcade. Are you an arcade guy? Yeah, I'd love... Yeah. Are you doing the Spokane Comedy Club? Yes. I think it's actually the meth capital of... It is. Yeah. Of the country, so there's that. There's that. So you're...

I could get back into doing drugs again. I mean, I swear, I feel like I've really lost an edge, Tony. I think about it every fucking day about stopping cocaine. I've really... Hey, do you want to shut up for a fucking second? I've never... I'm really trying to get a little honest right now and all I fucking hear is something behind me. Oh, D is pissed. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Oh, shit.

By the way, so racist to be like, there's something behind me. Ah, William, William, William. Did you ever do meth in your drug days or no? No, no. All right, no. You keep saying that you're going to Spokane by yourself, but aren't you going with Casey Rocket? No, he can't go this weekend. He's doing his own gig. Look, everybody's working. Oh, boy. Oh.

You don't have anybody to go with? You don't have anybody to take with you? Well, the fucking flights are like $2,000. It cost me, Tony, it cost me $3,000 to fly to Salt Lake City the other weekend because I waited until the week of. No, I waited until week of and I don't know if it's ski season or what, but $3,000. It was horrible. Does anybody want to go to Spokane with William? It's amazing. Adam is going to buy everybody tickets. I am.

By the way, I'm going to need her to Venmo me back immediately. Wait, but I mean, yeah, you have nobody to go with you? Did you say Vanmo? Vanmo? There's no Venmo. She's got a Vanmo, though. That's where you have no money and live in a van. Okay. Wow. We're going to pull local openers then, I guess, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, it'll be fun. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. We'll see. Yeah, yeah. We'll see. Those weekends where that happens, where it feels like something's off, those are always... I have no way to explain it. I'm sure you guys might agree with me. Those are always the ones where you end up having the most fun, having breakthroughs on stage. It doesn't make any fucking sense, but it's always the ones where it's like...

Those end up being fun breakthroughs. I mean, just absolutely amazing. Well, I'm pumped because that's probably going to happen to my ass this weekend. And I swear if I do good, like after this past weekend, it seemed pretty good. But I swear, Tony, if like this weekend doesn't go well, I mean, I probably will. But if it does go well, I don't think I'm probably ever going to stop doing this stuff. I mean, I have to...

I should have yelled that. Okay. You got too real. Amazing. Careful what you wish for. You could be in Spokane, you know, three times a year for the rest of your life. I know. Yeah, it's true. Like me.

No, Spokane's pretty nice, actually. Shout out Spokane, actually. Yeah, you're going to go there and you're going to dread it and then you're going to be at your hotel, you're going to have a nice meal and then you're going to hear the roar of the crowd when whoever local feature brings you up and you're going to be in love. You're going to have a

the time of your life. The people out there love you. You're one of the biggest cameo people on planet Earth. Yeah, please find me on Cameo. No, I do genuinely appreciate it. Why are you looking at me like that, you fucking idiot? I was praying to God. What are you looking at him for? I mean, shit, Will, we should maybe, let's do a little movie trailer for your weekend in Spokane. Yeah, Spokane.

Nice. This weekend, one man travels for too much money to a place nobody ever wants to fucking go. Spokane, Washington used to be his favorite place to go until... Until he locked himself in his Holiday Inn Express room, looking in the mirror, asking himself, why? How did I get here? Where is the meth?

As soon as he jumped off the wagon, he got right back on. I need more meth. He was determined to do anything for drugs. Then again, he was in Spokane and the drugs were everywhere. He did everything. Hand jobs, blow jobs, rim jobs, just regular old Uber Eats jobs.

Anything to pass the time in Spokane. A lot of Uber Eats and I was eating just, I was full most of the time. He couldn't stop shitting blueberries. All brand buds has really changed my life. He reached out to several friends. Hey, come with me to Spokane. But they all said a resounding no.

Dillard, why can't you go to Spokane with me this coming weekend, man? You know I'm going alone. Uh, I'm busy, William. I got shit to do. Dillard, hold on, man. You know I gotta go there alone. You know I can't even go to Spokane. I never even been to Spokane. You broke my Xbox controller last week, William. Man, I was a back. Nobody knew what William said that day. Ha ha ha.

but he was destined to win Spokane's heart over. He came home crushing the shows, saying to himself, I'm going to keep doing stand-up for the rest of my life, or at least try to fuck that girl who looked like Roseanne's daughter. Charlize Theron stars in... Wait, what? Wait, yeah, hold on. Charlize Theron as Roseanne's daughter. William Montgomery and Cam Patterson.

As Milo and Otis. In Spokane, Montgomery this fall. Take it one step at a time. Boom.

Is this movie trailer ever going to stop? It ain't ever going to stop! William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, and we did it. That's another hit show. TomGreen.com. He's on tour all around the world. The Tom Green podcast. The only podcast filmed out of a solar-powered barn. Yeah, in Ontario. The only one in Ontario.

Tom Green dot com for tour dates. Tom Green podcast. Adam Ray has the Dr. Phil specials out on YouTube at Adam Ray comedy dot com. Adam Ray comedy on YouTube. Adam Ray comedy dot com. He's on tour absolutely everywhere. Yo, we're trying to bring a Dr. Phil live show to the mothership, baby. So just to put a ribbon on it. How loud can this place get one more time for Tom Green and Adam Ray? Huh?

Gina with three A's dot HG is Heidi on social media. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. Thank you, DraftKings, GameTime, Talkspace, Gel Blaster, Red Rose, and Yellow Rose. Let's see the drawing from the great Chris Rogers. Oh, Casey Rockett. Oh, that grimace.

How about one more time for the great Michael Gonzalez, D Madness, John Dees, Matt Muehling, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, and...

Raul Vallejo, ladies and gentlemen. We love you guys so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you, guys. What? Guys, I'll be in San Diego in July. Check out AmericanComedyCo.com. I love you guys. There you go. San Diego in July for Red Van, everybody. Get tickets. Who are you going there with? Casey Rockett. Whoa. Unless he gets too big. Wow. Amazing. All right. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody.

♪ ♪

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.