#648 - SHANE GILLIS + MATT MCCUSKER - NYE HEB ARENA
03:09:07 Share

This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at deathsquad.tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at tonyhinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to sunsetstripatx.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Back on my stand-up tour at the end of January, hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on the Fully Grown Tour before this. Vancouver, Portland, and Seattle. You're next. January 25th, 26th, and 27th. And then Los Angeles, California, I do stand-up. Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston, Baltimore, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston,

St. Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando. I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates. Really excited for you to see it. Taking some of my favorite openers with me. You may recognize some of them. Get tickets now at TonyHinchcliffe.com. This is going to be my last stretch of the stand-up tour for the rest of 2024. It's all just performing in Austin and Kill Tony from there. So hope to see you soon. ♪

How did you get it wrapped up? How did you wrap them up? Back up. Huh? How'd you get them wrapped back up? Do what? How'd you wrap them back up? You put the notes in there and how'd you... Can you say that a little slower? I swear, I can't understand you. I swear. Forget it. It don't matter. Who the fuck are you? Why were you trying to give me advice on that shit, man? Steve.

motherfuckers paint the way so I want I want I want okay okay I didn't I didn't take are you mad no I fucking loved it okay I want to thank you for bringing it up thank you I apologize bring it up I do it to everyone so maybe I need to stop yeah but I never go to so

You know, we started doing Kill Tony here at Vulcan a couple years ago. This is officially our last scheduled taping here at this venue. Ladies and gentlemen, at the same time, I present to you Tim Dillon and Roseanne Barr. I have to say, this fucking podcast is making me famous. Ha ha ha!

Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. Let's make some noise for Jim Norton, Whitney Cummings, and Burt Kreischer.

Yes. Jim Norton, one of the best in the world. The great Whitney Cummings and the motherfucking machine, Burt Kreischer. Hold up, one of the sopranos got something to say. You look like Lizzo dressed like Suge Knight for Halloween. My God.

I'm not retarded, but I like rocks.

One of the best of all time, Doug Stanhope, everybody! Joy Hinchcliffe, my mother, everybody. Put your fucking hands together. Greg Fitzsimmons and Dave Smith, everybody. Austin Zone, Tom Segura, and Joe Rogan. Yeah. Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the nature boy, Rick Bland. Jeffrey Ross. David Tell, ladies and gentlemen. This is Stavros Alkias, everybody. Oh, fuck yeah. Sugar Sean O'Malley and Joe Lips.

Howie Mandel! Oh my God! Ari Shaffir! Mark Norman! Kurt Metzger, Post Malone, and Joe Rogan! Post Malone, meet Roast Malone. What's up, boy? Hey!

Yo ass look like an unemployed crocodile hunter, nigga. You know what? No dancing? Yeah. At least you're the running man. Look, man. Come on! Dr. Phil is out of control and I love it. You can call me the N-word.

I was just gonna say. He could type it out. I really hope he does because technically it's not him saying it. I've always wanted to meet a white black guy. Fuck it. Who's got perks in here? Yeah!

You and Shane are doing perks tonight. I've never done them, but I'll do them with you, dude. Wow. A year and five months down the drain. Thanks to Christian Shane Gillis here. God invented perks. Ha ha ha.

That is true. On the fucking, on the eighth day. That's why he was sleeping, dude. Been working on a Tony Hinchcliffe impression. Would you, would you like to hear it? I would love to hear your Tony Hinchcliffe impression. Okay, here we go. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about some of the things I've said and I now realize words can hurt, even kill. Going forward, I intend to donate 50% of everything I make to Black Lives Matter.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, you're never going to believe it, but please rise for your national anthem from Grammy award winning artist and one of the biggest superstars in the world. This is Taylor Swift. Who's singing?

Oh, yeah.

♪

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from an arena here at the HGV Center in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kale Tone. Give it up for Joe Hitchclad. Kale Tone.

Who's ready for the best fucking New Year's Eve ever? Make some noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. Yippee-doo-dah fucking day. The number one live podcast in the fucking world. Amazing. Holy shit. Here in beautiful Austin, Texas. How we feeling tonight, everybody? You ready for this shit?

Here we fucking go. How about one more time for the best goddamn band in the land, everybody? OG band member, the great Jet Ski Jesse Johnson on the fucking trumpet. On the trombone, Paul Deamer, everybody. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The great James Atkins on percussion. Thanks for Dane on the keyboards, everybody.

Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys. And the great and powerful D-Motherfucking-Madness on his bass guitar. My...

Lord, everybody is in position. Make some noise for the great Ryan J. Ebel. Been drawing every episode since the very beginning. Originally from Texas, back for tonight with a blank fucking palette and Austin's own Chris Rogers with a big, bright, white board of nothing. They draw throughout the episode. Everything is in position. We're fucking pumped.

Before we start tonight's episode, oh yeah, shout out to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Connect, Mobile Health, IV Drips, Austin Security Guard Service, NinjaBuses.com, and all of our other amazing sponsors, including the great people over at Gel Blaster. Here's a little bit more from the other sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Ladies and gentlemen, your guests tonight are...

Literally. Literally. The most requested guest duo ever in the history of the show, and they've never been on together before. I present to you the best booking I could possibly do. Make some noise for Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis! Whoo! Whoo!

Oh yeah baby! Let's fucking go! Shane Gillis! The Shaman, Matt McCusker! And here we go! Your bucket's behind you. You guys fucking excited? Shane Gillis, welcome back my friend. Austin's own Shane Gillis! Hey!

And Matt McCusker. Hey! Austin's own Matt McCusker.

Two of the best moved here. You guys know what the fuck's up. Matt, it is your first time on the show, but I think you get the gist of it. A shit ton of people signed up for tonight's show. They're scattered all around the arena. There's also an entire section of them right there. We have that light. We have that crazy comedian light. Freaks! There they are. Look at them. There's some familiar faces. Look at jolly Mike Eaton up there. There's some fucking celebrities up there.

Some ugly ass motherfuckers too. Holy shit. Unbelievable. What a bunch of fucking... Section of rapists. Look at the fucking vitamin D deficiency going on up there. Holy shit. Anyway, if I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. Woo!

That's Red Band's first fuck up of the night, everybody. Mark it on your bingo card. Mark it on your fucking bingo card. We are four minutes into the episode and he has failed at a job in which he's done for ten and a half years. Right in front of you. Biggest episode of our lives. Literally the first fucking button he had to hit.

Oh my god, it's unbelievable. But they have to wrap it up after that 60 seconds. And by the way, last night it was a little bit chaotic. Audiences were starting to boo throughout some people's terrible sets. My recommendation for tonight is save the booing for when the 60 seconds is up, when they're done. And then let's hear you pop in your fucking thoughts and beliefs. Because it kind of fucks some shit up.

Turns out if 400 out of fucking 8,000 people hate somebody, it kind of fucks everything up. Anyway, they have to wrap it up after the kitten or they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear who is real tonight, everybody. It's a real thing. He's live in the flesh. Oh, no, I have no dildos to throw at him. Normally, I have to throw a dildo to get him away. I shoved them all up my ass. That's Joe Rogan.

No, you know who it actually is. Take off the helmet, show yourself. Come on, it's not that big of a reveal. It's Enrique Chacon. Wow, look at the popper Enrique. Fuck yeah. All right, get back there. There he goes, Enrique Chacon. Okay, we're going to pre-pull a name, right? Yeah, that's on the other side of the fucking arena, section 107.

No, they're going to get them. That's good. We're going to start the show with a fucking bang, shall we, everybody? Now, normally... How many of you guys are diehard fans of the show? Okay. All right. So normally, you may know that normally we start the show with the great and powerful Hans Kim, but if you're following along, you know that tonight is that fucking night. So...

We have decided to slide the battle, obviously, between Hans and Rick to a little bit later in the show. But we're going to start it with a fucking powerful force. One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. An absolute fucking sensation. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only Cam Patterson. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

I brought my white bitches. Hell yeah, fuck nigga we outside baby! Hell yeah. I want them to twerk on me but my dick soft and I don't want to feel that gummy worm so I ain't do that.

Well, I do want to tell y'all, my dick not that big, and that upsets me. I asked my girlfriend all the time, I be like, hey, baby, do you think my dick is big? And she be like, it's perfect for me. I ain't asking that, bitch. What a goddamn question, dumbass. I don't want it to be perfect. I want that bitch to be dangerous. I'm trying to fuck your ecosystem up, bitch. What upsets me the most, that's like me going, I hate good pussy. I like dry pussy. Well, that went not the way I was expecting it to go. That's it. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

The ending was bad, but the beginning was strong with the white bitches. Absolutely. No, it was great. Cam Patterson, everybody. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. We outside, baby. Hell yeah, nigga. I love it, Cam. How do you feel tonight? I feel great. There's 7,000 people in front of me. This shit crazy as fuck. This shit insane, bro.

Rocking a brand new pair of white Nikes. I stole these earlier. Hell yeah. From a fucking power line.

Cam, a fantastic way to start the show. How does it feel going first instead of in the middle? I feel bad for Hans. I like the middle spot. That's easy. All I want to say is Hans is going to beat the fuck out of Rick Diaz. Oh shit. Fuck Rick Diaz. The betting line did change today. Hans is a minus 400 favorite. It has increased

In Hans' favor. Yeah, man, fuck that fuck-ass nigga Rick Diaz, man. He a bitch. Hey, I got, I got, I got, I got $100,000 on Hans. Oh, shit. Tony, let me borrow $100,000 real quick.

I got a million on Han, so I'll let you borrow it afterwards. Say less, nigga. Fuck Rick Diaz. I'll kill him. All right, what's that? These people, you're corrupting the vote. It's the audience that decides. Give a damn about that, nigga. Oh, shit. I fucking love it. Game filers, nigga. Yeah, yeah. Just the black vote ruining another election.

This shit crazy, nigga. What the fuck? That's you up there, buddy. That's insane, bro. Oh, shit. Fuck, man. It's like when I hold my cat up to the mirror. Like, can you see yourself? Do you believe this? This shit crazy, nigga. I love it. It look like I sold coke in the 80s.

You do. It is incredible. You look like some kind of ghetto teddy bear or something. Not exactly sure. Where do you get a jogging suit like that? Oh, fuck. They would have loved if I remembered what it was called. I got that shit today and I'm like, I don't know where that shit from. I like it though. Send me some more, please. They gave it to you for free? Yeah. Okay. They didn't know what I was doing today. They had no idea.

Hell yeah. I think it's from Rainbow. No, bad one. Dumped. No, it's not from Rainbow? First remark, stupid. Bad as hell. They don't like me either right now, so we're even. You're doing just fine, Cam.

Anything else what else is going on? Man? Oh shit. They're running around doing shit. I did my mama here. What's up? My how you doing? Hell? Yeah Is your dad here now I ain't gonna make it but he watching somewhere shit that is the blackest thing possible Dad comes to all the janky shows that we do on the road and he misses the arena which is crazy. Yeah, I

Shit is insane, bro. Well, look at the camera. Tell them something. Hey, what's up? Spell dog. Oh, that's too easy. I'm going to pass on that one. I love it, Cam. I love it. We've come so far. Yeah. I wouldn't be here without one person. Or two people. Or three people. Four people. I got a lot of shout outs. Oh, shit.

You know what I'm saying? God, my mama, and you know, my mentor, you know what I'm saying? David Jolly played a big part. The great David Jolly. He's out here working somewhere, isn't he? Is David around? David Jolly, you around here? Send him up. You guys want 60 seconds from David Jolly? Let's go, David. Hi, white people in Puerto Rico!

I think a whole lot of words in the English language got a bad break. Like some words used to be racist, but they not racist no more because we don't know what the fuck they mean. But they fun words I think everybody should be able to use. Like the word jiggle boo. I don't know what the fuck a jiggle boo is. I can't even get mad at that word. You know what I mean? That shit sound like a term of endearment.

If I walk out here right now and an old white man walk up to me and say, "Hey, how you doing today, Jigaboo?" I'ma say, "Well, Jigaboo to you, good sir." 'Cause I don't know what the fuck it mean. You can't hurt me with that word, you know? If you ask me, I think we should put that word in, like, the kids' game or something. And if they like it, we just roll with it, you know what I mean? Like, let's put that motherfucker in Pokemon. I choose you, Jigaboo, some big black motherfucker come out, crip-walking and shit, fucking throwing gang signs.

Hey, y'all shut the fuck up. I got one minute, motherfucker. Goddamn, let me finish the joke. So, y'all good white people, when y'all go to work on Tuesday and you eat your cheese sandwich... Keep going, keep going. And you eat your cheese sandwich, I know about the fucking cheese sandwich, Mike. You thought I ain't know about the cheese sandwich. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I just wanted to...

Oh, shit. All right, all right, all right, all right. This is chaos. David, how do you feel? That was fantastic. Yeah, I feel good. Appreciate that. You ever perform? We are side gang violence, bitch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. David, that was a fantastic set. You're absolutely killing it. It is incredible to think that just a couple few years ago in Minneapolis, a police officer at his... Boy, you ain't shit, Tony. You ain't shit.

Hell yeah. I love you, David Jolly. You guys ever seen anything quite like David Jolly before? They're my partners, man. They're my partners. Yeah, I fuck with them boys every, man. I see them all the time. Yeah, yeah. Especially Matt. That's my dog there, man. We like cousins, you feel me? We're cousins. It's a family thing. You don't look alike at all. Yeah, we do. We both like, yeah, you know. I'm light-skinned. Hell yeah. Tell him to pull his pants down. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah, man. Well, a great way to get the fucking show started. I love it. David Jolly and Cam Patterson, everybody. And now the bucket begins. It's Fury. Last night, the first bucket poll was a young lady that had never done stand-up before and did not prepare whatsoever. She got lit the fuck up. How many of you were here last night? Yeah.

Amazing. Amazing. Well, here we go. Your first bucket pool of the night from section 107, row B, seat 8. We wrangled up. Oh, it makes some noise for the fucking bucket pool girls tonight. Yellow Rose. Hell yeah. I love you. I love you. Shane is in love. I love you. I care about you.

I could treat you so well. Come here. Come here! Make some noise for your first bucket bowl of the night, Cameron Targarude! Holy shit. Hey, what the fuck is up, Austin? Brian Holtzman sold me a shirt in the parking lot, but he didn't have any fucking pants.

I drove here from Minnesota, saw a lot of weird signs. I kept seeing "Watch for ice on bridge, watch for ice on bridge." Why are there so many Mexicans on the fucking bridge? How's Dayton going? Dayton's weird. There's only two types of girls that are into me. There's the ones that drive a minivan and there's the ones that drive a hearse. Good thing for me, they both look the same from the back.

They have some key differences. One screams, put babies in me. The other one screams, I work at Planned Parenthood. Either way, I'm stuck with one of those fucking baby on board signs. Still hot, but no pants. Thank you. Wow, what the fuck?

First time comedian ever. I love it. That was my next question. You're ahead of me on that one.

First time a lot of things, it seems. What the fuck are you? I'm really weird. I sell oddities for a living. Dead animals, human skulls. I've sold over 50 human skulls. Imagine, for real, imagine doing heroin and then getting up in front of an arena. This is literally like Jimi Hendrix shit.

Just sells the skulls of his friends after they overdose. This is incredible. Why do you have tits? Ha ha ha!

I'm fat. Fucking post-op Malone. Oh, no. Oh, Jesus Christ. What is that tube for? What is that? I'm diabetic. Oh, God. You are disgusting. And you have extremely ashy knees for some reason. I haven't showered in three days. I drove here. Oh, my God. Imagine that. After the first two people that were on this stage, the ashy knee diabetic is this guy.

Fuck yeah. Would you have guessed that? Mark that on your Kill Tony bingo cards. Holy shit. You look like if Kid Rock and Crack Rock had a baby. This is amazing.

Oh, wow. Holy shit. So Minnesota, huh? Yeah. You've never done stand-up before? Never before. And you made the drive for this? Yes. You drove? Yes. What kind of car? A Hans Kim van. It's hooked up. I got a bed. Can you make a living working at this oddity shop? I do. How much is the attraction of you? Oh, it's my dog.

He's not here, but... You're dogged it. Me? No, I mean, I'm white. I don't know. Okay. You're what? White. Yeah, hell yeah. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah, hell yeah, brother. I know you got a lot wrong with you, but I'll tell you what. You are still white, brother. Never give up, my white brother. Nah, I'm kidding. Give up.

So Cameron, obviously... I was joking, for real, don't give up. Obviously you were born and raised in Minnesota. Yes, sir. And you're a fan of the show. Yes, sir. So you've seen a lot of interviews on this show. What would we be really surprised to know about you? The fact that you work at an oddity store would be my first guess. Yeah, yeah. So tell us more about you. What would we be surprised to know? You accidentally revealed that you're diabetic as fuck.

Yeah, I got toes missing from being diabetic. Yeah, that sucks. No, Michael, no. You don't get to queue up. I'll show you. It's fucked up. Is it? Yeah. All right, show us. Who gives a... Oh, my God.

Wait a second. Wait, put your fucking foot flat. He had a penny in his shoe. A penny came out of his shoe. Oh my God. I did find that penny today. Who said that? That was the good luck. That's good luck. And now you're here. You're becoming a superstar. Pick that shit up. Was it heads or tails?

That's heads. That's heads. I literally had a pinky toe removed two weeks ago. Throw that penny in the crowd. Yeah, dude. I don't know where the penny is. It's right there. Oh, someone tried to catch it. That's a shocking maneuver. Someone literally jumped up and tried to catch the penny. Yeah, a gay guy tried to catch it. He missed.

Clearly gay guy. Penalty, gay guy on the field. You have a girlfriend, Cameron? I do. Yeah? Where'd you meet her at? A bar. But ten years ago. You're lying. Reconnected on Tinder. You met her in a fucking tent. Yeah. That's what they're calling the methadone clinic now, the bar. Tony. Sorry. Sorry. Thought we were allowed to have fun, dude.

I didn't know you guys were gonna be fucking gay. We're not allowed to make fun of dudes for doing heroin anymore? Is this not the United States? Heroin and diabetes is a fucking wild mix, dude. I love your fucking... I love it. I love what you're up to, dude. For real. I support you. 100%. Are you treating your diabetes at all? Sometimes. Seems like you eat a lot of fucking bread.

Tony, he has ghosts in his knees and they don't look good. Like, look at them. They're sick. Look at the faces in those knees. Yeah, okay. Very good, Red Band. Thank you. Red Band, don't be fucking mean, dude. This is an epidemic.

This is a real life thing that's affecting our entire country. And nobody's doing anything about it other than kill Tony, bringing him on stage. That's right. That's right. He's just joking around, dude. You're doing great. Thank you, man. Dude, that bitch that went up first last night. Oh, that grinded my gears so bad.

It did? Yeah. Because it, prepare. Okay. First time comedian. Funny. Right? Obviously. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Be funny. There you go. Thank you. Cameron, you fucking nailed it. Dreams really do come true. You did it. A sweet success. The diabetic Cameron Tagarud. Our first bucket poll of the night. Hell yeah.

That was fucking wild. Okay, you guys having fun yet? It's time for your second bucket poll of the night. Representing section 122, row G. Make some noise for Jefe Flores. Ladies and gentlemen, Jefe Flores. Oh, la la.

Oh shit, I'm on Big Tony. I'm finding out I'm not the smart father. I'm dumb. My daughter called me sped the other day. I looked at her like, sped? The fuck does that mean? Walked away. Next day I asked her, you need any help for homework? She goes, no, I'm good. I go, she goes, you're sped. And I go, sped?

I looked at her like, huh? Walked away again. I went back to her. I said, what does sped mean? I'm fast. I know I'm fast. She goes, she walks away. I look at her. I go, look, I'm fast. I try to run. She goes, nah, means you're retarded. I was, oh shit. You might be right. That's my time. Oh yeah. No, you cocksuckers. Keep going. Another one.

You got any more bangers in the chamber? That sucked, dude. Welcome to another episode of Big Tony. Do you know where you're at? No, I know. I watch your show all the time. I was just being silly. It was like a throwaway. It's crazy. I thought that was funny and then it all went downhill from there.

Okay, relax comedian section. Have you done stand-up before? My first time. What made you choose tonight to start? Well, been a big fan of your show for the longest time. Thought, hell, not gonna be no pussy. Put my throat, my hand in the bucket. What? Throw my name in the bucket. Hey, good call. Told you, she calls me sped. Okay. And how old are you?

37. You might be retarded. I told you. You're 37? 37. You're joking. Not lying. Seriously. Seriously. No. Promise you. You have your ID on you? Yes. Let me see that fucking thing. What year were you born? 86. Oh my God, I believe you. Stop. Put it away. Put it away. Put it away.

Oh. My. God. You are the oldest looking 36 year old. Camera guy, can you zoom in on this guy's fucking demented face? Look at this. Why are you so gray? Yeah, you look like Red Band's grandfather. We look the same, can't say nothing. Did you see a ghost or something? Like what happened? What happened in your life that made you age a tremendous amount? You literally look like Sean Connery bloated right now. I've been through some shit.

Tell us about it. Big fan of the show. Nervous. I bet you will. Well, I had a daughter at 23 years old, so time wasn't really on my shit. And then just having a kid. God damn, dude. Keep going. Keep going. Fuck all these people, dude. Tell us your story.

Just wasn't on my shit, so just had a lot of stress. You just had a... Stress, baby. You had a bad life. Yeah, kind of. That's all right. It's going to turn around, definitely. How about now? Is it still stressful? A little bit. What's the most stressful part of your life? Just answer honestly. Right now, I take care of my parents.

- Oh, you're Latino. - Yeah, Latin. - How do you guys feel about booing now? - Yeah. - Boo me now, motherfucker. - Well, don't get cocky. Boo. - They're gonna boo. Here you go, Jefe. Congratulations, your first time doing stand-up. - Ah! - Oh, I thought you were-- - 0 for 2 on the catches tonight. - Damn. - You caught that like a diabetic trans dude from Minnesota.

There he goes, Hefe, everybody. Well, it's time for one of the special treats, ladies and gentlemen. Doing a minute tonight. You're not gonna fucking believe it, but this man is coming fresh off of being awarded the 2023 Guest of the Year. This is a brand new minute from your very own Dr. Phil! ♪♪

Austin, how we feel? Make some motherfucking noise if you're having a good time. I know I am. I'm fired up. Clap, you piece of shit. Thanks for coming out. Happy New Year. I've never done stand-up before, so bear with me. Hans Kim, uh...

Has great one-liners. I'm just talking about the slits he calls his eyes. Alright, what else we got here? Wrote some stuff down. Okay. Hans Kim looks like if a scream mask was Asian. I thought that was pretty funny. Also true, which is why it's funny. Hit me with something, Mike. There it is. What else we got? Hans looks like he has genital fried lice.

Sounded funnier on the drive over. Moving on. Hans looks like he comes to the ad before the porn starts. I think we've all done that. Shane, there it is. Okay. Connecting. I'm connecting and then creating friendships. Hans... What else? I don't know. I just wrote fuck Hans here. Ran out of ink. I still haven't forgiven Hans for breaking up the Beatles. I think we all...

Yeah, one more time Mike. Thank you so much. Let's move on to Rick Diaz. Rick is also here tonight. I can't, are you guys excited for that showdown by the way? Good motherfucking God. I can't fucking wait. Rick, you know, his delivery is so dry. I'm always like, what style of comedy is that? Han's girlfriend's pussy? Like what? Why is it so dry? It's gotta be a pussy is what I mean by that.

Rick looks like he has cerebral palsy light, which means it's all the looks with none of the parking spots. That's funny. Rick, you're so frail you look like what happens when a woman gets pregnant by pre-cum. Alright, that made me laugh. That was good. I'm a fan of that one. I'll probably say that again to myself tonight. Most people don't know I played college football.

But it wasn't that impressive. It was before blacks were allowed in the league. So, okay, that one split the audience. That's on me. What else? What else? I asked AI to write a joke for me. Do you guys want to hear it? I thought...

Because look, life is all about choices and sometimes we don't back up the choices we make and we need a little help. So I thought I'd ask AI. And this is what AI came up with. This is AI, not me, Dr. Phil. AI wrote, Backstreet Boy, Nick Carter's sister was just found dead only one year after his brother Aaron's death. When asked how he felt about the situation, Nick said, I want it that way. So that's what AI said.

That's an AI joke, you can Google it. Suck my dick and fuck my butt. Alright. I wrote that, that wasn't AI. I added that just in case it didn't go over well. But it did, moving on. David Lucas looks like he fucks with his shirt on to cover his sports bra. That's pretty funny. David Lucas, what can I say about David Lucas that his downstairs neighbors haven't screamed at their ceiling already? N-word, N-word, N-word. Um...

David looks like he sniffs a girl's underwear just to see what she ate last. That's funny. Mike, there it is right on cue, Mike. A couple more, then I'll go brush my teeth or, I don't know, suck my own dick. All right, what else we got? David looks like a police sketch that was drawn with coal. I think we've all seen what coal is, so we know why that one works. David looks like his favorite position is front of the buffet line.

How am I doing so far? Okay. I think that's it. Thank you so much. You guys are a lot of fun. Appreciate it. Wow. Wow. Four minutes, 38 seconds of thunder and fucking lightning riding the wave of last night's guest of the year given to him by the actual fucking Dr. Phil. Shout out to Dr. Phil. Shout out to me. That was fucking insane.

That was unbelievable. Yeah, what a legend. The real Phil. Yep. Absolutely fucking incredible. That was an unbelievable set, Dr. Phil. You really attacked a lot of the regulars. Absolute incredible performance. How did you practice for this? Well, in front of the mirror, but also I feel like most things that you want to achieve at a high level should be done in front of the mirror, whether it's comedy or racism, you know.

I do want to say I couldn't have done it without the support of the Kill Tony fans. You guys are maybe the best fans in all of comedy. And I mean that. That's why I said it.

And I want to say something real quick. It's an honor to be on this stage for a variety of reasons, but I'm a big fucking fan of Shane and Matt. So one more time for those fucking legends. Shane is a great example of overcoming adversity. SNL said no, but guess what? The people said, let's fucking go. That's right. Let's fucking go. Way to time that out, fellas. That was fucking sweet.

Every comedian wants to fucking hit one of those. Let's try it one more time, just for good measure. Okay, okay. Little late, little late, little late. We'll get it.

Six. Dr. Phil, how are you enjoying Austin, Texas? Austin's fun. You know, I went to college at Midwestern State. Got my B.A. there. Got my master's at another college I just fucking forgot. Oh, University of North Texas is what it says on my Wikipedia. Mean green. Who? Mean green. Yep, there it is. Anybody go to University of North Texas?

Fuck yeah. Fucking retards. Yeah, you fucking losers. That was a joke. You fell right into our trap, you fucking dumb fucks. Where are you going, sir? To get a drink? Okay. Yeah, wrong way. We're all going to watch you as you leave. I haven't seen somebody do that move in a while, you know? He gave me that, and then he turned it into a beverage and fucking... Oh, okay. Okay.

Where did that come from? Okay, I do need to tell you the edibles have kicked in. So if you do that again, I'm gonna fucking have a seizure salad. By the way, okay, little scenario for you. My wife and I, we like to mix it up, okay? We'll do things a little differently sexually sometimes.

Was that you, Red Band? Somebody else has their own sound effects in the audience, I think. It was that guy hitting his head against one of these rails. That was funny. Yeah, that guy fucking sucks. No, but Robin and I, we try to do something different. I'll try to surprise her in the bedroom. I think after 30-plus years, you've got to just make it exciting, right? So now when I come, I play...

Give it to me. Ready? Well, I'll show it. I'll set it up. So I'll be getting ready to come and then you hit that when you feel like I'm when I'm done. Come. Does it does this make sense? Or here we go. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Here we go. Here we go. It's about to happen. And it's happening. OK, we'll probably edit this off the YouTube stream. Happy to be here, Tony. He's behind. He's behind.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit, the crowd. You and the band are in sync. So it's been a dream of mine. We all have dreams. You know, Tony, before you were a comedian, what was your true passion as a young boy in Youngstown? Guys, dicks. It still is my passion. Your real dream. Be honest with me. Ice cream man. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I wanted to be a comedian. Let's go. Always from the get go.

Yeah. I love that. Well, I want to be a rapper, and I've never... I did, and I never thought I'd be up on a stage in the best city in the world with the best comedy fans in the world and have an opportunity to fucking lay down something real quick. Do you guys mind if I freestyle rap, and then I'll get the fuck out of here? I'm going to need a little bit more support than that. Do you mind if I freestyle rap for you? Guest of the year, Dr.

Out of your fucking seat for me then! Show some goddamn respect! That's what I'm talking about! That's what I'm talk-

talking about 2023 was fun but 2024 has just begun Kill Tony Live is the move tonight gays and Jews are gonna have a good time Tony Hinchcliffe created a beast while Brian Redman dealt with his yeast infection erection election fake news

Real booze! We're gonna get fucked up tonight. We're gonna get fucked up tonight. We're gonna drink all the drinks, we're gonna smoke all the smokes. We're gonna get fucked up tonight. You know why?

Because Austin is the best. And Hans Kim's pay for sex. Hans loves to pussy. He loves to feed. He loves to crack. And you know what it is. We'll be right back. Oh my God. Oh. Oh. Oh my God. He's in the zone. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Oh yeah, baby. Holy shit. Wow. Thank you so much, Austin. I love you so much. Enjoy the rest of the show. Kill Cody till I die. I love you so much. Robin, turn on the microwave. I got mashed potatoes in the car. Good night, everybody. Good night.

Holy shit! Make some noise for Dr. Bell! Oh my god! Un-be-lievable. Holy shit! Jesus Christ! Un-be-lievable. But that's real, yeah. That was un-be-lievable. World class. Who has to follow that?

Bucket pool has to follow that, everybody. And this is the first one out of the comedian section. You can light it up. No section, no rows, no seats. Make some noise for your first comedian out of the comedians tonight. They go by the name of Shiva Avey, everybody. Shiva Avey. We got movement up there? Oh, here we go.

Shiva Avey making his way to the stage. Hey, look, it's one of the OG Red Rose Girls, the great Kaylee, everybody. Oh, hell yeah. From back in the day, she

microphone during the pandemic at Antone's. They used to think that wiping the microphone was going to help prevent the spread of an airborne disease, everybody. The great people over at Antone's, everyone. Literally. If you've been there this year, kill yourself. Do me a favor. Absolute virtue signaling garbage people.

Except for Gary Clark Jr., he's cool. Make some noise for Shiva Avi, everybody. Hey. A little bit about myself. I am Indian. That's why I got that just waterboarded look. Do we have any Indians here tonight? No. Never enough. Uh...

Billion of us and not a single can come to this show. I like it. I like being Indian, except for you don't really see a lot of Indian professional sports here. And I blame Nike for that. Nike clothing, you know, because they made those sweatshops in India, which I know sounds harsh, but just hear me out. I'm just saying, guys, imagine being Indian, working for Nike, and then seeing that Nike slogan day in and day out. Just do IT. It's a good joke. Yeah, it's a good joke.

Yeah, because if you don't know the Nike slogan, it's just do it with a period at the end. And what makes that joke just a lecture funny is that it just takes one more dot. All right, guys. Shiva A.D. This is your first time on the show? Yes, sir. Yes, Mr. Tony. Yeah, absolutely. Don't do that. No sirs to fucking Tony. Okay, okay. Fuck you, Tony. Yeah, you don't got to be in uber black mode, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

Welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years. Eight years, yeah. Where at? Dallas. Dallas. Okay. Dallas, Texas, yeah. I love it. Kind of moved back here, but living out of my car kind of shit, so... How does it feel? How's it going? I used to do that when I lived in Austin like 10 years ago. Feels about the same. So you're living out of your car? Yeah, yeah. What kind of car? Nissan Sentra. That's...

damn that's the worst it's pretty bad uh what's your star rating my star rating yeah for uber i don't do it anymore but it was it was no it was pretty good it was pretty good i gotta be honest where you eat saying you don't shit where you eat oh yeah definitely i've ate where i shat that's more my style you know i'm talking about fucking nice charcuterie board while you're taking a dump uh

Yeah. Jetski Jesse Johnson. If he eats where he shits, then he doesn't Uber eat. Yeah. Yeah, they wouldn't let me around people. Actually, I did more Uber driving than the eat. You actually did Uber drive? Yeah. I think every comic thinks it's going to help them out. Yeah.

Come on, man. No, you're right. You're right. You're right. Yeah. It's either this or terrorism, I guess. So we got to pick one. What is your ethnicity exactly? Indian. Indian. And by the way, my name's Shiva Ari. Shiva Ari. Oh, that's an R. Your R looks like a V. Yeah. It's actually not even my real last name. My real last name's Chaudhry, but, you know, imagine. Chocolatey? Chocolatey.

Whatever you say, Mr. Kill Tony. I love it. Way to fucking obey. Goddamn right. And you look like the actual Obey logo piece of art. Good one. Good one. That was good. Oh! Oh! You got me. Pakistan is in the bag! When I grow up, I will be pilot for Pakistan! Grape!

I totally got what you're saying, man. Yeah. Oh, you couldn't hear? Say again? You couldn't hear what I said? No, no, I had no idea. It's a YouTube video of Pakistani kids getting fired up. I don't want to do it. Don't make me do it. Do what? No, I don't want you to do that. I thought that's what you're trying to make me do. No, no, no, no. I don't want you to do anything. Okay. Don't detonate. I think for real, you were very great and you've been very funny so far.

Thanks. For real. Where do you park your car at? There's some places I get around. A lot of east of 7th Street. There's some places. Go further up. I also live in Dallas, so if things get too hairy, three-hour drive. It's not insane. I mean, does anyone have a place? Anyone...

There's a lot of people here. I could use a job also. What are you qualified in? What could you possibly do? What's your work history? I did a little audio engineering, but it's been mainly stand-up for the past eight years. I used to work at a comedy club and stuff. What club? Hyenas. Oh, I love Hyenas. Yeah, yeah. Great club. I love Hyenas. Absolutely. You probably worked with a guy that once tried to cancel me. Pung Dung? Yeah, I fucking know. Is that how you say his name? Yeah.

No one will ever need to know that. Don't fucking prove him right. Who hit the fucking gong? That was respect. That was a respectful gong. Yeah, we were kind of part of the same class. I saw all that shit. Do you hate him or do you love him? I don't... I hate him. I hate him. You coward. You sell out. I don't really care. Classic Sino-Indian conflict. So...

Say again? Classic Sino-Indian conflict. Yeah. You guys are fighting over the border right now. Yeah, in that case, I don't like them. Don't let China take the border. You know they're fighting each other with, like, fucking not weapons, the China-Indian border? They're like... They're fighting each other with Happy Meal toys. Yeah, well, they got, like, electric tridents that they're fucking stabbing with each other. It's crazy. Oh, yeah?

I got it. Thank you. What were you waiting for? Jump in here. Jump in here. I love it. Any special skills or talents before I let you go? I can play guitar pretty decent with the backing track. I don't know. Really? I need a pick, but like... Good eye, Sniper. You want to? You don't have to. Yeah, let's go. It's up to Matt Muehling. Air guitar. Air guitar.

Yo, please. Do you guys want to see him play guitar? That's a good cheer, but if you don't want to see him play guitar, boo. Nah, fuck that. Let him fucking rip, dude. I want you to shred, dude. Let's fucking see if Reggie, what the fuck is he going to do with his life? You better shred. You better shred. Fuck.

Here he goes. Loading it up. Fucking. Fucking rip, dude. Look at this. Bread Zeppelin, everybody. This is incredible. It's amazing. Oh, hell yeah. Shred. Melt my face. For those of you just listening in the podcast, he's so overweight that the guitar goes up to his chin. I'm making do with what I got. Fuck them, dude. Don't worry about being overweight, dude. You look beautiful.

Yeah. All right. That's enough chord. Let's see what he has. Can I get like a backing track? Like jam with the band? That's more what I do. You want to jam? Yeah. I get knocked down. Just something in like A minor. A minor? Enough about your sex life.

All right. Come on. Good one. Hey, hey, it was two minors. Okay. Play the fucking guitar. Drip it. Turn it up. Turn it up.

Sing. Sing. You gotta sing. Yeah, sing something. I don't wanna fuckin' do this anymore. I fuckin' hate this shit now. You're done. You're done. You're done. Get the fuck outta here. Fuck you guys. He did good at stand-up. He did good at stand-up.

Ah! The first catch of the night. Yeah. Oh, shit. Come on, man. Play that at the top. I know. Nice. Oh, shit. Oh, my God.

Watch this. Stand there and watch. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Matt McCusker. All day. All day. Fucking. Sit down, gay guy. My bad. My bad. For real. My bad.

I couldn't hear myself play. That was part, yeah. Whatever, I sucked. Fuck you, pussy. He ripped. Pentatonic minor, blues scale, no big deal. Shiva, you play guitar like a guy that lives in his car. Yeah, yeah. There's no amp to plug into. Nah, it's just me. Alright, you're done. Goodbye, my friend. Shiva Ari, everybody. The Kill Tony debut of Shiva Ari. You're being nasty. You're being nasty.

You're being a little nasty. I thought you did well. I can be that way sometimes. I don't want you to be. I'm going to be nasty right now because this is one of the newest controversial characters of the show. Up until last night, I thought everybody loved him. He talked about a meteorologist, female meteorologist, big tits, and two guys in the back of the room started to boo.

because they love big tits and he thought that they were booing him because of his set but he was doing fine. The room turned into a panic. He said, fuck you to the whole room and they turned against him but I'm excited to see a new minute

from truly a guy that's been one of my favorite comedians for 17 years. He used to close the main room of the Comedy Store. He's a fucking legend. We're lucky to have him. Your favorite comedian's favorite comedian. Make some noise for the great and powerful Brian Holtzman, everybody. Live in a fucking arena. Redemption! Ah! Ah!

Put it up for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Let her hear it. She can eat all the crackers she wants in bed. I'm not going to kick her the fuck out of bed. Happy New Year. We got a new year coming up, 2024. And I'm just hoping you ladies out there will stay in your fucking lane this year. Stop doing men's shit, bitch. Why are you even in the fucking gym lifting fucking weights?

Get out of the gym you fucking bitch! What are you doing some kind of vagina push-up? Get the fuck out of the gym! You come back in the gym, I'm gonna rape you! I'm not gonna rape anybody, I don't even have a knife, but I just I'm thinking of what's the worst thing I could say to a woman, right? If she comes back in the gym, I guess she wants to be raped! Why do you want to do men shit?

If I have to turn on the television one more time and see some dyke, 40-ish fucking dyke, telling me about the football game, I'm up to here with it! What the fuck do you know about football, bitch? They're moving chains, they're fucking up in the booth, they're on the field. Lay on your back and just take it. Get your hair done, get your nails done, lay on your back and get fucked. What's wrong with that?

You want to do everything men want to do and I'm up to here with it. Get some guy to buy you a house and learn how to... Hey, fuck you, bitch! Only kidding, I'm just trying to get laughs. You fucking bitch! Yeah, take me serious, bitch!

They all want to be police chiefs. Uncle Bob was a police chief. Granddad was a police chief. Grandgranddad was a police chief. A whole family of police chiefs. And then some fucking dyke wants to be a police chief at this fucking high. Where's the police chief? Oh, there she is. You want to be firemen? We used to measure our dick in the firehouse on Tuesday nights. Potluck measuring our dicks. And then some fucking dyke wanted to be a firefighter. No more measuring our fucking dicks.

Go ahead, bitch. Take me serious, you fucking nut. They want to send women to the moon. They're all busy playing soccer. I got a girlfriend. She wouldn't even walk to 7-Eleven. She's going to go to the fucking moon. And what is she going to do when she gets to the moon? Complain? I'm not getting out of the moon house. It's too cold. I'm not going. What's going on here? There's no shopping on the moon.

The worldwide, the worldwide law enforcement worldwide has come up with a new interrogation technique. It's called flat screen interrogation. What they do is they get the person, maybe a bitch like that, and they get the person they want information from, and they bring in that flat screen TV, and they show women's fucking basketball.

The person will give you all the information in the world to shut that shit off. Why would you watch women's basketball if you can watch men's basketball? Like going to a whorehouse and jacking off in the lobby. Wow, I fucking love it. True, diabolical edge. The great Brian Holtzman doing what he does best. Shock and awe.

I love it. Brian, do you have like nieces and nephews and stuff? Do you have like kids in your family where it's like, that's my uncle. Everybody knows family is overrated. Your little family can fuck itself. You won't relate it. You would never hang out with these fucking people. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Holtzman, how do you feel tonight after tomorrow night or last night's adversarial set? Yeah, I wasn't taking any fucking prisoners tonight. Fuck it. Goddamn right.

Goddamn right. And in the new year, if you don't like comedy, just leave it alone. Just leave it the fuck. Fuck yeah. We don't mean what we say, you dumb motherfuckers. We wouldn't be up here if we didn't love you and wanted to fuck your mother. You are the fucking man. I love you. Thank you so much for sharing your unbelievable art with us.

Can we see how loud this place can get for one of the all-time fucking late-night greats, Brian Holtzman? Come on. That lady's clapping. Ah, he turned it around with her. Won her over in the end.

All right, another bucket poll has to follow. Another legend. Make some noise for your next comedian. David Perez, ladies and gentlemen, from the comedian section. But I believe they wrangled him, maybe. I don't know. Did we get him already? David Perez. Oh, here he comes down this stairway. David Perez. Oh, no, here's David Perez. Okay. Make some noise for David Perez, everybody. You're definitely not David Perez. I'm just Mike.

Mike Pack, is that right? What? You said Mike Pack or is that the right name? Well, fuck it, dude. You're here. You got that dumb ass shirt. Oh, we got them out of order. Okay. What's your name? My name is Mike Pack. Okay. Well, we went out of order.

It's okay. What the fuck? I'm David Perez. Okay. Okay. Mike Pack, Jesus Christ, you'll be next. My producer's fucked up. We pre-pulled the names and we went out of order. It's okay. Come on, guys. You guys got this. Come on, team.

I don't like I try to do a job. Yep. It's OK. We pre pulled names because Mike Pack was from floor one row 14. So it took a while to get to him. But here you are, ladies and gentlemen, the guy that was actually pulled first. We got to get it in order. Guys, make some noise for David Perez, everybody. Perhaps I fucked it up, by the way. Maybe it wasn't the producers. Maybe I fucked that up. So how about one more warm reception for David Perez, everybody?

H-E-B! Yes! You guys like Bill Gates? Bruh! Right? Well, you know, we just need to get everybody vaccinated as soon as possible, and then my pockets are going to fill up. I'll keep that off the record, Gerald. Okay, what happened with Melinda? Well, you know, Melinda, once she found out that I went to Epstein Island, you know, we had to cross ties. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, that's Bill Gates in an interview. Boo! Shit! I got a rainbow tattoo. You guys like rainbow tattoos? Yeah. What if Bill O'Reilly was Indian, like an Indian guy? Right? He's like, we'll fucking do it live. Don't fuck around. We'll do it live. There's no wills on there. We'll do it live. Okay.

- Ooh, bro. Have you done stand-up before? - Two years. - Two years you've been doing it? Boo this man! - Oh my god! - That's the best minute you could come up with? In two years? - I do impressions. I do impressions. - You do impressions? - Yeah. - Let's see an impression. - Uh, let's see, um... - You guys wanna see something or not tonight?

Do you want to see some fucking stuff tonight or not? Who's that? That's Alex Jones. Oh, you suck. Oh, really? You suck. Here you go, bro. Enjoy the process. I don't know about y'all, but I think destiny was working its path because ever since I saw his face on that Christmas sweater, I wanted to see our next bucket pool. I know it's going to be compelling no matter what.

I don't think he's ever been on this show before, but this guy looks like he has committed some serious, serious crimes before. He's out of the bucket representing floor one row. He makes some noise for Mike pack. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted for Mike pack. There we go. Bucket pool. Number five, make some noise for Heidi. Everybody. Thank you very much. Uh,

Is this shirt too soon? Are we cool, Austin? All right. It's a good shirt because it's true, sad, and fashionable all at the same time, right? Anyway, a little bit about myself. I left a satanic cult ran by pedophiles after being in it for 25 years. February 2nd, 2019. I don't know if you guys are familiar with this cult. It's called Hollywood. You ever heard of it?

Yeah, I worked there for 25 years as a TV producer. Now I expose it. And I tried to go to a bar in Hollywood recently, and it was called Hyde. And they wouldn't let me in because I got blacklisted. And I said, do you know who the fuck I am? And they go, no. I go, well, neither do I. That's why I'm shopping for therapists. So they gave me a referral, which is nice. So I just moved back to Chicago.

I just moved back to Chicago and I moved in with my best friend. We own a two-flat. He's a Jew. And he just came out of the closet. He's being gay. His pronoun is Hebrew. Have you ever... Oh, Jesus Christ. Mike Pack. Mike Pack. Okay, Bear. We got him. We got him. He's done, Bear. Mike Pack. Have you done stand-up before? Yeah, I did. It was a long time ago. I used to open up for the late great Screech from Saved by the Bell. No. Yeah. Yeah.

You used to open for Screech? Yeah, in Chicago. Here and there. Wow. How many times did you open for Screech? Like four or five times. And then I did some... I used to do audience warm-up for the Jenny Jones talk show in Chicago when I was a producer there. Oh, wow. Yeah. Just here and there. But...

I got it. You got producer energies. Are you on full-blown Ritalin right now? Can't hear you. Are you on some type of methamphetamine? Oh, God, no.

Are you taking any medicines at all? No, just a little. No, I'm just probably a little nervous, maybe. Okay. No, I don't take any medicines. Okay, you're nervous. Very good. And when's the last time you did stand-up before? That was in six. It's been a long time. Okay, yeah, that's a long fucking time. Yeah, long time. That's a really long time. Almost 20 years. Yeah, it's been a long time. Hell yeah. You used to have a show. I met you in Milwaukee. You met me in Milwaukee. Yeah, I think... Do you remember...

West Hollywood? Are you starting a conversation? Did you guys kiss? Did you guys kiss? We were neighbors? Yeah, kind of. You worked at the Starbucks by me. Remember that big game? You worked at the Starbucks? Yeah, 2007. You're going to be. It's a venti, not a large.

I used to work at the Starbucks while I was working at the Comedy Store because they used to cut my hours. They wouldn't give me my full pay because the Comedy Store didn't make enough money back then at the time. Yeah. And it was a different fucking era in 2007. I stopped a big... Oh, you go ahead. I stopped a big gay queen. Go ahead. Whenever you want. I stopped a big gay queen from trying to beat you up when you were managing that Starbucks. Big gay guy trying to fuck you up? What happened? What happened? Hold on.

What? I told you about this in Milwaukee. I don't know if you remember. You stopped a what? Some guy was trying to beat you up. What type of guy? What type of guy? A big gay queen.

At the Starbucks in West Hollywood. Do you remember? We talked about this in Milwaukee, no? I don't remember. Can you remind me? What did you do? What the fuck is happening? What did you do in Milwaukee? I'm losing my mind. We're about to find out. I literally don't fucking remember. No, I'm sorry, Mike Pack. I don't remember talking to you in Milwaukee. Don't let him be mean to you now, dude. He's being a bitch. It's just like the guy who sucked Obama's dick.

You guys kiss? You guys kiss in Milwaukee? Excuse me? Did you and Tony, Big Tony, kiss in Milwaukee? No, I was at his show, and I was the only one he called out. I was wearing an American flag hat, and he called me a fag. That's right. He goes, I know you wear that American flag hat. You're not hiding anybody. You're not hiding from anybody. You're gay. That's right. Yeah. There you go. And then we hung out a little bit. I think I said it funnier. Way better. Way better.

And you just say, and then we hung out? Yeah, we hung out at the hotel. What are you talking about? You hung out at the hotel? Ask Christian Yoni. Ask Christian Yoni. Explain to me. Oh, you were waiting in the lobby. You were with somebody that I actually know. Who were you with? My gay friend, the gay Jew friend. But how do I know? No! How do I know him?

He met you that night. There's a fucking connection, though. There's a connection here. And you're not saying it. A butt connection? Yes, I'm super gay. Thank you, Shane. Yes, I butt fucked this guy. Hold on, you don't understand why this is hilarious? Yeah, totally. No, I do. So you met Tony in a hotel lobby with your gay friend and then you guys hung out. We hung out in the lobby. How long did we hang out for? Can you give me a ballpark? About 25 minutes. I hung out with you for 25 minutes.

Tom, is that right? Tommy, gay Tommy, stand up. Tell him it's true. Were we with a large group of people? No, it was just you, I, and Tom. He was there. He tied his shirt. What did we do for 25 minutes? You guys were on fucking suck, Tony.

Jesus Christ. No, we were talking about getting out of Hollywood and I was telling you how I'm exposing it now. So you guys were doing cocaine. In the lobby of a hotel in Milwaukee. Were you staying at that hotel? Yeah, I was staying at the hotel. I was just getting a drink down there and I came up to you. There was a bar. It was at a bar. Of the hotel. We were actually more like in the lobby, but yeah, at the bar. Okay. All right. Very good. This was a great fucking interview. Great stuff.

Unbelievable stuff. I talked to you. Tony, do you remember talking to me? Tony, we talked. You fucking suck, dude. Yeah, you did. I like you guys. There you go. Now we have a special treat. Somebody that's ready to do comedy. A legend of...

The show. Ladies and gentlemen. What the fuck just happened there? We need a new mic, Stan Yoni. Custom made for tonight. A one night use only. Yeah, we're going to get a new one up here. How about make some noise for Jet Ski, everybody. Vroom.

All right. Here's Yoni, everybody. Look at the great Yoni. Making dreams come true. The great and powerful. I hung out with him in a lobby once in Milwaukee. All right. You guys ready for a special fucking treat? I present to you...

That was you in Milwaukee. Make some noise for former Kill Tony regular, the great, the powerful, the one, the only, David Lucas! David Lucas!

Yeah I think that niggas that fart with no pants on are gay as hell

Like, why you just out here bare booty farting, nigga? What the hell wrong with you? Got your booty vibrating and rumbling, nigga. What the fuck? That shit weird as hell. It's gay. And a lot of people say, that's not gay. I'm like, well, technically it is because you just clapped your own cheeks. Put some underwear on. Put some pants on, nigga. Tony farts with no pants on. That nigga...

Tonally actually farts in the shower. He wants it wet. All right, man, that's my time. Thank you. David Lucas. So you're literally not going to believe this. I'm not kidding. I had a fucking extra large protein shake today and went to take a shower and

And took off my pants and fucking bare booty farted in the fucking... In my own... Red Band hit it. We have it... We recorded it. Red Band, a master of his craft. That's what it sounded like. I bare booty farted today. Tony, you look like a limo driver for gay niggas. You're the one that stretched black.

Let's fucking go. You think you're going to get me in an arena, dude? You want this? You want this? Oh, look at the focus. Oh, look at the focus. Joker, man. Redman, you look like you just inherited Willy Wonka's factory. I wish. And you look like the Chocolate Factory. The focus in his eyes is incredible. It's literally...

I'd love to see it. You're ready, dude. Tony, you work secret service for sissies. Only trannies get your service. You got a dick and a pussy? Hey, bitch, I got you. Yeah, sounds good to me. I'm the gay secret service. What's happening, bro? This shit is amazing. Make some fucking noise for David Lucas.

A legend of the fucking game. Thank y'all. Second most sets in the history of the show. After my brother, William Montgomery. That's right. He's an absolute fucking legend. Give it up for William. In my opinion, the best kill Tony comedian to ever touch this stage. Matt McCusker, you look like Macaulay Culkin grown up, nigga. Your ass. Your ass out here, 29 with gray hair, bitch. That shit crazy as a motherfucker.

You shouldn't have married that black girl, nigga. She stressed your motherfucking ass out. Where the fuck you at, nigga? Don't believe in that comedy shit. You need a real job, bitch. Leave them black women to us niggas like me, bro. You don't need to be with no black girl, bro. You don't treat our black queens right, bro. Huh? You don't treat our black queens right. Matt McCussar and Shane, I love y'all niggas. Y'all niggas who I'm... I'm glad y'all in Austin. Austin is the new comedy capital of the world, baby. Goddamn right.

And you're a big part of it. One of the first people to move here. David Lucas retired with grace at the 10 year anniversary episode gets to do a set anytime he wants. And we have a special video we're going to roll right now. Yeah. Let's watch a video. David Lucas. Here we go. Oh, shit. Double David Lucas. Oh, my goodness. Pound for pound. Worth twice. Twice the name.

Oh, and we're back. That was it. Superstar. That was it. God works in mysterious ways. Why y'all niggas prank me? It's your highlight, your highlight, Dave. That's shame. Don't. You look like you went to a black church last week and they gave you the ability to walk, nigga, your ass. Get up. You are healed. Get out of that chair.

David, I can't stop staring at your magnificent thigh gap. It starts at your knees, you fucking dumbass. Everybody look at his fucking disgusting legs. It's a knee gap. It is incredible. It looks like his legs grew in a swamp. They look like the two sticks that they measure first downs with at a football game.

I know these three Klansmen ain't trying to rouse me, nigga. Don't call us a Klansman, dude. It's a motherfucking compliment. You had a tiki torch four years ago, nigga. Your ass. Don't make me bring it out, dude. It does look like fucking fourth and short. Your legs look like fourth and short, you dumb fuck. Shane, get your motherfucking albino salamander-looking ass up out of here, nigga. You want to talk skin?

Don't make fun of my skin. Matt, get your Jason Statham looking ass up out of here. Nigga, what the fuck, Rose? You look like the hamburger helper gloves walking, dude. Get the fuck out of here. I love this shit. Rose the fuck out of me, nigga. It's New Year's, motherfucker. Goddamn right.

And with that said, ladies and gentlemen, hell yeah. I present to you. You're going to pop that pussy at 12, nigga. Your ass. Absolutely. I'm going to pop it right now. Bit over. That's right. Show me what you're working with. You was in that Lil Nas X video, nigga. I seen you. And you're going to soda pop that pussy. Ladies and gentlemen, the video for David Lucas. Here we go.

Nigga, Tony, boy, you look like a gay Klansman, nigga. Put that hood on. Well, I basically, anytime I'm around you, I feel like a gay Klansman. Yeah, boy, you look like a gay gallon of milk, nigga, your ass. That shit full of semen, nigga. Oh, my God. Why you put on white, bitch? You about to get baptized, nigga? They tipped that nigga in the water booty first, boy. You were the only kid to get baptized with his T-shirt still on.

Your next comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds goes by the name of David Lucas. Here we go. I knew I was from the hood because my mom bought us the hood version of Monopoly. And every space on Monopoly was go to jail. In hood Monopoly, you start off with a light bill in your name. Like, damn, I just started playing. How the fuck I owe $1,200 already?

Hood Monopoly is fun. That's a fucking fun thing. It's a great joke. I appreciate it, man. How long have you been doing stand-up?

I started when I was a teenager, so like nine years. I've seen you do quite a lot of roast battles. There was a period in time where you were taking on a new person every week upstairs. It was like an open challenge. Congrats on a killer minute. I love that monopoly, man. You nailed it. There he is, David Lucas. I was with this one girl who liked to be choked during sex, and we was fucking, and I choked her, and the bitch passed out. And a nigga like me watch Criminal Minds and CSI.

So I'm like, damn, how am I going to throw these niggas off my case? So I took her cell phone and I sent myself a text like, where you at? Boom. That is exactly how it's done. You're wearing a Rocky shirt. Is that because the road is your favorite type of ice cream? Ha ha ha.

Look at Tony looking like a nigga that Michael Jackson touched. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Here we go. This your shit. This killed Tony. Yeah. But right now it's David fucking Lucas. You know what I'm saying? All right. Absolutely. I need an agent. I need a manager, man. Oh, my God. Time for these black comedy clubs. To manage what? Your weight? Hey, what are you...

That's it. Stop everything. Ladies and gentlemen, David Lucas has been absolutely murdering on this show. David Lucas is the new regular on Kill Tony. He will be joining William Montgomery on a weekly basis. It will be William Montgomery and then David Lucas until one of them pass away. Ha ha!

Hey, don't Tony look like he do valet at Cheesecake Factory? I mean, you would know what the valet guys at Cheesecake Factory look like.

Yeah, bro. The HIV medicine got you turning red, nigga. What the fuck going on? Oh, my God. You son of a bitch. Are you wearing a Selena shirt because you always get shot with insulin? You look like a Christmas rap dildo. All right. All right. How dare you? You look like what Santa puts in the stockings of the bad kids. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

You look like you host a game show called Coming Out of the Closet. All right. All right. You look like you host a game show called Meal or No Meal.

I love you're wearing one of Jay Leno's car covers here tonight. This is a beautiful thing. Tony, you look like you drive limos for gay niggas. Niggas stretch. Yep, my limos are more stretched than your skin. Oh!

Miss Hitchcliff, how do you feel having a sassy-ass daughter? You son of a bitch. That shirt looks like a billboard for Cool Runnings if it was worn by a guy that's never ran before in his life. Oh, my God. How did you find a belt that's bigger than your waist? Like, how do you have slack? How do you have all that slack? It's long enough for you to hang yourself on.

Plenty of room. You're just jealous that I can hang myself, David Lucas. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you David Lucas and Luna Lucas, everybody. My God. Wow. Live in the flesh. I'm going to check in with our two-year-old guest to see what she thought about your set tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the great Luna Lucas. What do you got to say, baby?

I only roast Tony and white guests. Why is that? Why do you only roast the white guests? Because colored people had it hard enough, man. It's time for y'all to get y'all beaten from a nigga. Joe DeRosa, your forehead identifies as a woman. Shut up, David. Your forehead got a BBL, bitch, your ass. Hold this for a second. What is that, bitch? Hold this.

That's a regular-sized book, you fat fuck. Professor Hitchcliff in this bitch. Burt probably should look like he smell like air freshener and bologna, boy. Get your butt. Hey, let them see your outfit, bro. Let them see your outfit. You look like a Kansas City Easter Bunny, nigga. Your ass.

This motherfucker. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You look like you take pizzas out the oven with no oven mitt. You look like you're in a gang, but you still read comic books under a blanket with a flashlight. Hey, Tony, he look like he do that thumb trick in front of kids. You know what that poor man talking about? He look like he do that thumb trick. Hey, y'all want to see something cool? Ha, ha, ha.

When I was in high school, my mom was getting her GED. And now you're getting your KFC. And tonight you're going to get a BBC.

David's so busy on the road that he gets to do a spot on Kill Tony anytime he wants in the future. But this is officially his full-time retirement party right now in front of you guys. We did it. We set the record for the most roasting between two people. Hey!

Congratulations, what a run you've made on Kill Tony. I'm proud of you, it's good to be with you. That's right, the third ever, only the third member ever of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Joining Michael Lair and William Montgomery, here's Yoni to present you with

The third ever Hall of Fame. Fucking... The great and powerful David Lucas. We tried to contact... The goal was to have the Guinness Book of World Records give us the title of the two people that have made fun of each other the most.

But the people over at Guinness World Records are kind of gay. Oh, shit. It's like a black church. He did it.

David, turn around. Look at this fucking audience. Thank you.

Nothing... Nothing... Nothing drives a bus. Nothing drives a bus.

Speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, speech. I just want to say thank you for the Kill Tony family for supporting me.

Me and Tony have been roasting each other for numerous amounts of years. You guys have changed my life forever. The support, the fans, the love you guys show at my shows. Make sure you come to a show. DavidLucasComedy.com I got Kansas City.

LA, and numerous other cities. Canada. I'm everywhere. The great city of Canada.

man that's crazy I just want to thank Tony thank Red Band we thank you my friend we absolutely love you you've been very much earned not easy to do to go toe to toe every week you've taken more roast jokes than anybody in the history of the show William and Michael Lair Hall of Fame members that have always been quite protected you've literally shown your fucking literally your thick skin laughing

You son of a bitch. I can still roast even when I'm fucking emotional, you fucking fag. I've never seen you lose this much water weight. Only time you lose weight is when a nigga take his dick out of your ass. You son of a bitch. Get out of here. You fucking sissy.

We love you, David. I'm surprised you didn't have RuPaul singing the national anthem. I tried to get him. I tried to get him. Yeah, I know you tried to get that nigga so you can relate to somebody. Hey, man, I love y'all. David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. The newest and third ever, a very exclusive club.

The Kill Tony Hall of Fame. One more time for David Lucas, everybody. A legend of the game.

Unbelievable. A bucket pole has to follow that, ladies and gentlemen. A normal human being has to follow. We have one of our ring girls coming.

Keep this shit moving. We got a lot to get to still. You guys have energy left? You guys well rested and ready to bring this thing down the home fucking stretch? Make some noise for a random bucket pool representing section 115. It's Paxton Gobin, everybody. Make some noise for Isabelle from the Yellow Rose.

Thank you to Jonathan Joseph, the owner of the Red and Yellow Rose. Thank you. Loyal. One more time for Paxton Gobin, everybody. Come on. Hey, everybody. I'm from Indiana, the boonies, Brownstown. I had to drive here with my family 17 hours all the way down. And, well, first off, I have six, seven other siblings, so my dad's a bit of a man whore. And he...

before we were about to come. He ripped his dick in half. Fucking too much. And we thought he wasn't gonna make it. Thankfully, he did. We made it all here. And... Getting to the hotel, we wanted to get some drugs. And...

We wanted to get some drugs and I paid the guys on Telegram and I thought my brother went out to talk to the guy. We get out there. This guy is talking about how many times he's been shot and stabbed and dealing cocaine since he was eight in New York. Wasn't the drug dealer. Wow, there he is. Hey, happy 2023, brother.

Paxton Gobin. I couldn't quite hear. We're having a little audio trouble here. No, no, no, no, no. Stop talking. Your dad ripped his dick? Is that what you said? Yeah. That's an actual thing?

That way? Split it out wide. There have been one, there's one other surgery that happened like him and he's the second guy that's had it. Jesus Christ. I want to talk to him. Is your dad here? Yeah, they're all here. No, he's not. Yeah, they're here. Are you serious? Well, there's four of us. Did your dad sign up? Yeah. Are you fucking serious? I'm not joking. All right, well, I'm sick of you. Say your dad's name.

Bruce fucking Goban. Sorry, Paxton. You kind of suck. I want to talk to the old banana split. You're telling me a guy. Is that him? Show us your dick, Bruce. Oh, we're going to see his dick.

Oh, I'm going to look for stitches with my tongue. My friends from Milwaukee that I butt-fucked in a hotel lobby, you can come up and... All right. You son of a... It's not true. It's not true. Let it go. It's not true. Come on. I'm hell-bent here. I'm staying in the closet. I want to give a special shout-out to our new home club of the comedy mothership, by the way. The great Carrie Mitchell is here somewhere. Oh, my God.

Okay, well, well, well, look who it is. Old Split Dick Jenkins over here. Did you prepare a minute for tonight? Kind of, but he took some of my material. Oh, look at that. The apple doesn't fall far from the old split tree over here. It was more around than split. Wow.

It appears as though section 122 has started a show that dick chant that has spread all the way through the room. I don't want to go to jail. Are you willing to show us your penis? Stand right here and just show us. Show the table. This way the cameras don't cover it. Yeah. You don't have to look, you homophobe. No, you got to look at this. I'm going to make sure you're looking. Oh, my God.

Hold on, go back over there. Go back over there. There is an actual fucking bandage wrapped around it. How long ago was the dick split? A week ago today. That was fresh. I assumed that this was years or months ago. I didn't realize we would be... It took me like 40 some years to tear the son of a bitch up, but I finally did it. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I've never seen a dick in a cast. That was crazy. Tell me about it. I was scared to death. How did you do that? Having sex. Come on, seriously though. Having sex with what? What were you having sex with? Pussies are a whole. Five foot five. Did you face fuck a crocodile? No.

Seriously, though, take us step by step. So you're fucking, and then what happens? Don't just say, well, I'll split my dick. Come on, take us through the fucking... It was fucking, and then all of a sudden, it was a big pop. Wait, you squirted? I'll tell you what, I knew I heard it, but I went ahead and finished just to make sure that it still worked. Do you, uh...

Do you blame her? Were you like, what are you on your periods? She told me you were on your period. I didn't know there was going to be the most blood of all time. How long did you fuck with a split dick? It took me a few minutes to finish, but yeah, about five minutes. So you heard a pop. You just kept fucking. You didn't look at it. I looked at it. We checked it out. And then you put it back in. And then I put it back. Shut the fuck up.

Hold on a second. Is the woman that you fucked here tonight? I left her in Indiana. This show is fucked up, man. Hell yeah. Oh my God. Wow. So then what? You go to the fucking, you don't seem like a hospital going guy. It took a while. It had to get good and black and hurting before I went.

How long was that? A couple days? Probably about eight hours. Eight hours. And it was very painful. Very painful. And you had a black penis. Yes. I was sitting in the... You seem like the kind of guy that would not like to have a black penis inside of a woman that you're currently fucking.

Must have been nice though. It's alright for a minute. I'll tell you what, the colors come back. That thing is a minuscule dong. Nah, I'm joking. That was about as big as I get hard. You got a good cock, dude. Obviously, you've got the IQ of 28. Your dick's huge.

Yeah, dude, he's got that fucking forest pump. You know what I'm saying? He's got that fucking... It did look wet. That thing is self-lubricating. It is always ready. Matt McCuster? It's an ointment, yeah. It's a Neosporin. Is that what they gave you? Just regular old... Regular old Baxitracin. Regular old what?

Tracin, A&B ointment, I don't know. What the fuck? Holy shit, dude. You know, everybody knows here, plain old Bass Tracin. Nobody knows what that is, dude. We're not getting wounded like you. Did your dick explode from getting too hard or did you hit like a divider? How did your dick explode? Was it blunt force trauma? How did your dick split? Because this is important for all of us. Oh, you didn't get that far up in the pussy. Stop it, dude. Oh, you hit like a bone? Oh, and it bent?

You hit a dead end? Yeah, dead end. You hit a fork in the road? You hit the old tailbone, the old median. I don't know. Un-fucking-believable. Wow, you're so much more interesting than your son. You ever think about splitting your fucking dumb son in half? Now I'm afraid he'll turn black.

Let's go. Let's go. This is Kill Tony. I'll tell you what, my friend. I didn't hear a fucking joke from you, but you got one of those coming at you. And Paxton, you got one of those. There you go, my friends. Get the fuck out of here. Onward we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time. You know, we've been through two arena shows and we are yet to see a golden ticket winner. This is that moment. One of the great golden ticket winners of the show's history. Hell yeah, here's the great Heidi to let you know what the fuck is up. I love you. I care about you.

Shane would like to split his dick inside of you. I'll treat you so well, dude. You have no idea. Jesus Christ. Unbelievable. I wish I was into women. It would be very exciting. My bad, dude. Let it go. We were joking around. What happens in Milwaukee stays in Milwaukee. What happens in Milwaukee stays in Milwaukee, dude. You're fine.

What I would do to her. Whoa, Jesus. One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. He went straight from an appearance on Kill Tony, was recruited off of Kill Tony by Howie Mandel for America's Got Talent. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Aaron Belisle. ♪♪

A girl at a show the other day told me I look like Matt Rife and I actually got offended on his behalf. I look like Matt Rife's twin brother after an abortion. In Canada, abortion is legal for 24 weeks. But if the baby has Down syndrome, it's so much later. You can do it for 24 years.

and if you make it to 25, Walmart offers you a job as a greeter. It's fucked up. Right now there's a baby with Down syndrome crowning in Canada, and there's a doctor with a mallet saying, "There's still time." You can do it right up until they can say no when you ask, "Do you want to be aborted?" That joke was a test to see how fun you guys are gonna be.

If I bomb tonight, Tony told me he's going to take my green card away and send me back to Canada to get a late-term abortion. The one and the only Aaron Belisle, ladies and gentlemen, representing Canada tonight, representing cerebral palsy, and representing the golden ticket winners. How are you, Aaron?

Fuck yeah, good, I bet. This is amazing. Never done anything like this before. This is an unbelievable honor. I'm so grateful, Tony. Thank you, Tony. It's all because of you. You found me. You have great taste and unbelievable eye for talent. Your instincts are absolutely mind-blowingly incredible. You're not gay at all. You're a hot guy.

You're a womanizer, a stud, and a great human being. Polite, nice. You just want me to suck your dick right now. How the fuck did you type that that fast? Did you have that preloaded? You son of a bitch. You more crooked than Hillary Clinton, I'll tell you. I'm telling you. I'll just say it. Why did I do that? I'm telling you. I'm telling you.

Well, Tony, since the last time I was on the show, I've been accused of being a drug mule and molested multiple times by men. Welcome to my world. Were they in Milwaukee? You gotta let it go, dude. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Have you ever been to Milwaukee? No? All right. He can barely walkie at all. Son of a bitch. Let's go, dude. We're doing it.

Hey Tony, did you know your mom loves me? She's messaging me all the time telling me I'm like the son she never had. You son of a bitch. My mom does message regulars and golden ticket winners and a lot of my friends very regularly. Yes, in Red Band. A lot. What else is going on, Aaron?

I get recognized a lot more these days. One guy was like, aren't you that retarded guy from Kill Tony? I was like, first of all, we don't use that word. And secondly, his name is Red Band? Yes. Killing in an arena in the greatest country on planet Earth. I'd imagine this is a fucking real moment for you. What else is going on, Aaron? Tell me more.

You fucking hilarious robot motherfucker. Hey, you gotta be so good. I got molested again at the Diamond Head Mountain hike in Hawaii. I just airdropped the video to Red Band. Thanks, Al. Use that later. The fan in the back was gripping both my ass cheeks. I got molested again at the Diamond Head Mountain hike. The fan in the back was gripping both my ass cheeks so hard I thought his thumb was gonna bust through the back of my shorts. Oh, shit. Oh, you went on a little hike. Oh, my God. Respect to David Goggins. Yeah.

Did you come? Who's going to carry the boats? He's like, don't worry, I'm helping. And I'm like, if your thumb pokes through, I'm going to have to use this thing on you. Oh, shit. He would have bit that thing, dude. He would have beat the shit out of you. Yep.

Oh shit. Oh shit. It looks like that girl that just got released from prison. That is incredible. I didn't know they were doing a live action version of E.T. This is amazing. Look at the tats you have. You're a little badass on your right side, huh?

hell yeah the left is fucking it's like politics the right side's cool and the left is fucking crooked and janky hey that's a good who loves who loves conservatives all right you guys are so cool amazing aaron what else

I heard you tried to join the Special Olympics, but even they didn't want you. Apparently being an asshole isn't a disability. Oh, you son of a bitch. All right. The great roaster Aaron Belisle here. All right, Aaron, before the show, you asked if I was going to be mean or nice. Does that mean you had something queued up, you little nasty motherfucker? Yeah, I know you did. Look at you scrolling. Oh, Jesus. Look at you scrolling. Don't make me be mean, dude. I don't want to be mean. All right, let me hear it.

Let's see if you're mean. What? I don't want to be mean at all. All right, well... Push him. Yeah, dude, you're fucking gay. We're friends. We are friends. Oh, sounds pretty gay to me. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. You have a little fetish? Actually, I'll be honest. For real, yes. We could have sex. You could be the top, dude. What?

I want you to put that fucking left hand on my throat. Choke me out, dog. If I get Shane to tickle me, will it turn you on, Matt? Are you into retarded porn? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I laughed. What was it? Am I into retarded porn? I cast a wide net, brother, on the internet. It's the only way to catch a lot of fish. You got to cast a wide net, dude. Have we tried retarded porn? Yes. Anything else, Aaron?

Shane's fat. It'd be devastating. He'd win. I love, yeah. Shane, you were actually my biggest inspiration as a comedian write-up until I found out you weren't really retarded. Unbelievable. Oh, shit. Look at that.

You've done it again. Absolutely unbelievable. Oh, he's typing. Hold on a second. Hold the horse. You fucking cocksucker. You got me. When you said inspiration, I was like... You little nasty motherfucker, dude. I'd be falling on your right side.

Look at that. Aaron, you got him all bent out of shape now. Look, it's contagious. It's like airborne or something. Aaron, anything else, you son of a bitch? Jesus fucking Christ. Don't do it. For a guy that doesn't talk, he never shuts the fuck up. Let's go. Type, you motherfucker. What else?

Did you just delete it? I started a full-blown tour across America. I started a full-blown tour across America. MuteComedian.com, Florida in January, and right here in Austin, and around Texas in February, shooting guns with my claw. There you go. Aaron Ballone. Living the American dream. The newest American... Well, one of the newest American citizens that there are. Fucking incredible. We have a...

We have a bucket full? We fucked this up? We did? There it is. Is that not one? Oh shit.

Oh, that's hard too. You know what? I'm going to do things out of order. Before we get to our next bucket pool, in order to save time, while they go grab that person because I fucked up again. Make some noise for a legend of the show. This is Aphrodite, everybody. Doing a minute. Another iconic figure in the history of the show. Aphrodite.

Hey! Praise the Lord, everybody. Praise the Lord for these titties. Hey! Praise the Lord that the coochie still works. Hell yeah. Praise the Lord, everyone. Coochie sweeps and coochie waves to all of you. Praise the Lord. Happy 2024.

You know, I really believe in taking care of children. So I bought me a white baby off the Internet today. Yeah, that fucking white baby is always being racist already. I didn't give his ass any milk this morning. So he already hates black people, you know. But I want to also say praise the Lord for Pastor Hinchcliffe up here. Yeah. Praise the Lord for Pastor Tiny Hinchcliffe.

Yes, indeed. You know, ladies, we're way more holy than men are. We got more holes. Hey, I want to tell you that you should always count on your sex organs and not people. Thank you, Praise the Lord. Thank you.

Aphrodite doing a very weird praise the Lord themed thing that didn't really take off here. Praise the Lord. Okay. Aphro, how are you? I'm doing fantastic. You kind of did like a character up here tonight. That was weird. It's time for something new this year, you know. And so I'm just so happy that my ass is real. But I do have some fake teeth. I'm going to tell you three of my teeth is only mine. Only three of them. Okay. Okay.

Afro, did you bump your head since the last time you were on the show or something? No, I got some good dick. That's all. Okay. All right. What else has been going on? Update us quickly. You know, dick is making good health. You didn't happen to split it in half, did you? I didn't know dick was sick as fuck.

There you are. There was a glimpse of the actual Aphrodite there for a second. What else is going on? Well, I have a new single coming out with Top Shelf Brass Band. Okay. Yeah, it's called Rush the Man, Spirit Man Jesus. Okay. Yes. For all you fucking heathens. All right. I love it. Anything else? Well, I can tell you that

You guys, we love you for all the support you've been giving Kill Tony. This man is amazing. Okay, all right, all right. Afra, you have a song you want to do or something? You usually sing. Okay, let's fucking do that. Let's just jump right into it. Let's do Jamaican funk. Yeah. Turn those keys up, please. Turn them up real quick. Just a little something, real quick. Let's get some volume on these keys. Motherfuckers! Come on! Woo! Woo!

I feel it in my soul. Gotta get in the view. Jamaican funk, that's really what it is, baby. Gotta get in the view. Gotta get in the view, baby. Jamaican funk.

I said that's what it is, 2024. Gotta get in the view. Oh, what'd you say? I feel it in my soul. Gotta get in the view. All right, all right, all right, all right, Afro. I love you! That was fantastic. Afro Dighty. I love you! Coochie way. All right, Afro. Afro Dighty. Afro, do you know that the blacks are the true Israelites?

Do you know that the blacks are the true Israelites? Tell them. What? I said, do you know that the blacks are the true Israelites? Man, we ain't no Israelites. We mowers. Oh, shit. Okay, Aphrodite. Thank you. Holy shit. All right, there she goes. Aphrodite, put the fucking mic in the mic. Jesus Christ. Cute.

We love you, Afro. One more time for Aphrodite, everybody. A real momentum killer there. All right. Your next bucket pool. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Michael Varamontes, everybody. Michael Varamontes. Oh, bucket pool number seven. Oh, that's the great Valerie Vaughn. Get in the car podcast. Acid titties.

Here he is, Michael. What is up, Austin? So I recently found out that my dad stole one of my bucket list items. He fucked his stepsister. And the way we found out was actually at my uncle's funeral. She walked in and my dad was like, what's this bitch doing here? Turns out that she was the half brother of my uncle.

So now I got a new bucket list. I got to find a surgeon to put some tentacles on my back. Are you done? Jesus Christ. Get the fuck out of here. Get out of here. Put the mic in the mic stand. Get the fuck out of here. Jesus fucking Christ.

Wow. Not the best night for bucket pools tonight. Interesting. Well, let's go right to a video. This is the next segment of the show right here, right now. This is what's about to fucking go down. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a little storyline of how we got to this place in the life of Hans Kim and Rick Diaz.

We have not announced a new regular on the show in literally... Thank you. Oh, yeah. It has been years since we made Michael Lehrer a regular, years since David Lucas, years since William. But any time one of those three guys can't make it, which is quite often, as you will find out, would you be willing to be the new regular here on Kill Tony? Yeah.

Yes. A thousand times. I think we should do something that we've never, ever imagined doing in the history of the show, and that is a battle for regular ship. Oh, shit. So...

60 seconds uninterrupted for your next comedian out of the bucket, Rick Diaz. Rick Deez, perhaps, or Diaz. Rick Diaz. Oh my goodness gracious, here he is, everybody. Yeah, I was in bed with this lady one time, and out of the blue, she pulls out a pair of cuffs, and she's like, cuff me, I want to feel punished. So I was like, so I cuffed her to me. Oh!

Thank you very much.

- Oh, fuck. - I love this guy. - Oh man, this guy's dangerous, dude. I'm telling you, I know it when I see it. My friend, you just won a Keltoni Golden ticket here, right now, live. - It is what it is. - Yeah. - I think that Brussels is letting the rest of the country know, Austin in particular, that you guys got something special happening over there. - Well, if I judge it by my laughs per minute, I think Hans Kim would have gotten a run for his money tonight.

Whoa. And I would kick Hans Kim's ass. Wow, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. I had no idea you were interested in such a thing. But, I mean, you're a golden ticket winner. You have a spot on the show no matter what. But it seems like you... I feel like you're protecting him. So are you still trying to protect Hans Kim? Oh, my God. What?

What exactly do you want? If you became a regular, you'd have to go back to Brussels. You can't afford to fly me. You want me to fly you every week from Brussels to Austin? I'll fly myself if you can't afford it. What are you talking about? Oh my God! What if Hans wins and he loses his golden ticket? Whoa! Oh my gosh.

How does that sound to you? Will you put your golden ticket up on the line? And if you beat him on New Year's Eve, you're the new regular and he's gone. Oh my God. You have this Rick Diaz who for two weeks in a row keeps dropping your... For no reason. Wow.

How would you like it if someone came to your job and was like, "Hey, I can do better at your job. I challenge you." A guy that I invited into my home. These are what Europeans are like. Don't turn into this. You are American.

You have a backbone and a spine. Look how pissed he is. Some of you might not be able to see it. Maybe you need to know Hans a little bit better like I do. But that is his fucking furious face. Watch Rick say something. Say something, Rick. Say anything. Anything at all. Hello? Fuck Rick Diaz.

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

go the battle we've waited months for and I present to you a very special guest referee who better than the reigning defending UFC bantamweight champion of the world and die hard kill Tony fan Sugar Sean O'Malley

Make some fucking noise for Sugar Sean O'Malley. What's up, Austin?

This is real beef. I had to separate them in the back. This is real. It is real. They've been staying separated. They don't go near each other. Hans pulled fucking Rick Diaz's name off the wall, off of his green room wall backstage. It is real. Sugar Sean O'Malley, diehard fan of

of Kill Tony. Never misses an episode. Posts about it every week. Spreads the word of the fucking gospel. And tonight, we will see what happens. Sugar is going to be listening to the audience's responses after each of them perform their minutes. And he will decide who is the eternal regular until retirement time.

Or who will never perform on the show again? Are you guys ready? Austin, Texas, I know you've been being entertained for about fucking three hours and 20 minutes, but are you fucking ready?

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you 60 seconds uninterrupted from the fucking muscles from Brussels, the one and only Rick Diaz. I went to a club and a lady slipped some pills in my drink, vitamin D and iron. I almost fell from a building.

I wasn't brave enough. I have stopped watching porn. It's memorized. I went to donate blood and apparently you're not supposed to bring it in your own plastic bag. I have a little cat and when I lay down on my couch, he comes and cuddles me and sometimes he jumps right on my balls. It's so painful. It took me six months to train him.

Over the course of a lifetime, the average human being takes 800 million decisions. 800 million decisions! So of course we're going to take a few bad ones, and that's how I get laid. Thank you very much. All right, a minute 17, one minute 17 seconds. We held back the bear out of respect for our golden ticket winner.

I went long on purpose because hands keep going short for the last few months. Oh my god. These guys, what you're seeing is real. Look at the fucking confidence. Look at the swagger. I counted about fucking seven or eight punchlines, all landing clean, all good. How do you feel right now? I feel incredibly happy to be here, Austin. Thank you very much. It's a dream come true.

I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you, I've had a lot of time to think about this, months since this whole thing started, and I fucking admire your courage and your absolute fucking balls to raise the stakes and put your golden ticket on the line. It is incredible. You are the most courageous, non-courageous looking person.

To be fair, it was Red Band's idea to put the golden ticket on the line. That is true. It was Red Band's one good idea of 2023. Unbelievable. I really can't believe it. But fucking you followed through. You started talking shit. Hans went fucking overboard. You went overboard. You guys go back and forth. You two truly do not like one another. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, look at this. No, no, no, no, no.

Playing fucking the good guy. I'm a fan of the show. I love it. And we're a fan of you. You are a golden ticket winner. Rick Diaz with a minute 17 seconds. A rock solid set from a golden ticket winner. Why don't you come over here and sit on this stool right here away from the referee. We don't want any funny business here. Sit right here.

And now is the time, ladies and gentlemen, the guy who has started the show for two and a half fucking years. When we found him, he was in his van doing the worst open mics you can fucking imagine. Now he adds shows every weekend. Probably almost a millionaire. Oh my God. Listen to this arena.

60 seconds uninterrupted. This is Hans Kim. What's up? Holy shit. Yeah. Let's fuck this immigrant up. You know, a lot of people nowadays are saying that squirting is just pee. Fuck that bullshit.

I think peeing is just squirting. I caught my girlfriend squirting in the toilet the other day. I was like, "You slut. For a toilet?" It's 'cause it's white, isn't it? I think it's crazy that if you fuck a girl good enough, she squirts. That's like if you kiss a dude good enough and he started puking. You know, a lot of women feel safe around me. Hello? I don't think it's 'cause I can fight off a rapist, but because I can ruin the vibes of a rape.

Oh, you guys are raping right now? Hell yeah, bro. Cool if I chill? All right, that's my time. Thank you. One minute, 16 seconds. Almost an exact replica time-wise. 116 to 117. Total different, absolutely different comedy styles. Rick Diaz loading up and punching one at a time and you going beat by beat.

I technically counted eight or nine moments of laughter in your set. Different types of pops than fucking Rick gets. More complex, more intricate than the bullshit, two-dimensional 1940s comedy that we've progressed past. Try being yourself, bitch. Try being yourself. Who are you? I have no clue who you are.

Are you this character? Are you this two-dimensional character, you little bitch? Be who you are. All these people are themselves. They're not a fucking European character. Sugar Sean giving Rick a chance to respond. Say it, brother. He's the referee.

I mean, you failed to say a joke right now. You were just insulting me. Yes. It was quite interesting yesterday when you said that your girlfriend couldn't come because she was high on mushrooms. And I was thinking, that makes sense. I would rather hallucinate than listen to you. Great, you listened to the show.

All right, all right. This is chaos. Let's settle it. Sugar Sean, get in between them over here. Rick, get over there. Let's settle it once and for all. The audience will decide. We've gone with Mexican drum-off rules for this. No one comedian, no people. Any word, any commentary from our esteemed panel, Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker? I mean...

No. I don't know. It's going to fucking end one of these guys' careers? Well, I mean, at least it's going to give them an... I don't want to fuck with it, but I don't know. I'm going to have to give one of them at least an extremely extended fucking break after this. I just...

Are they competing for a gas station? What are we doing? The winner of this, which it's very weird because Rick lives in Brussels and it's absolutely not in a budget at all. His or anyone's. It's a fucking $4,000 flight. You currently live in Brussels. You live there now. All right. Well, that. All right. Well, I mean, but that doesn't matter. It is whoever fucking wins performs on Kill Tony every week.

fucking a minute every single week and basically you know either Rick is going to start to sell out comedy clubs or Hans is going to be doing giant theaters next year so yes honest vote well I mean in that one minute I don't know if it's a alright

I mean, I got my vote. Do I actually have to vote? I don't know if you... I'm looking at this as more of like commentary. All right. Commentary, Rick's got the longest forearms I've ever seen. There you go. So that's what I'll go with. Rick's got long forearms. But who got more laughs in that one minute? Who do you think? Who do I know? It's not who do I think. Yeah, who? All right, I guess we'll see. All right.

Rick. Okay. Shane says Rick Diaz. Matt McCusker. Things are heating up, ladies and gentlemen. The energy is... It was close. It was very close, but I surely thought the muscles from Brussels brought the heat. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It all comes down to...

To the audience. Don't do that, Rick. Don't fuck it up. Hans is a man of the people. The third most performances in the history of the show. An incredible story arc we've seen before. Rick Diaz, out of nowhere, wins a golden ticket immediately, first time on the show, and goes for regular ship. This is that moment. We'll go in order of when they performed. This is it.

How many of you have Rick Diaz winning this? Oh, shit. Okay. Okay. Stop. Stop. This is that moment. How many of you have Hans Kim winning? This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.

Oh my god. There's a championship belt made by the great Bonesi. Sugar Sean, you want to award him? Give him the word. There's a big championship belt and Bonesi has also made a tiny You Lose bracelet.

That's a necklace. A necklace. Sugar Sean said it's a necklace for Rick. It's a hot topic. Wow. And like that, Rick Diaz, you have lost your golden ticket. How do you feel right now? Sean, hold it. Hold it for him like Rogan does. Put your arm around him. How does it feel to lose your golden ticket? Feels all right. I feel like I won tonight either way. I love that. I love this fucking show.

Thank you for having me. Thank you for the opportunity. I love Hans either way. Bye. Bye. Boring. Go back to your fucking Instagram. Bye. Go back to having a chip on your shoulder, bro. I will. Sugar, I could have roasted you all night. Sugar, hit the winner Hans Kim with it. With the, yep.

And the winner is Hans Kim! And still reigning, defending, regular of Kill Tony, Hans Kim. How about one more time for the great and powerful Sugar Sean O'Malley, Rick Diaz, and Hans Kim. The people have decided.

And that is that. Hans, any final words? Get a good look. Last time you're going to see him. Ruthless. Cold as ice and loves his rice. The great and powerful Hans Kim. Congratulations, Rick. Sugar Sean. We fucking love you guys. Thank you so much. Absolutely amazing.

Come on, guys. Seriously. How about one more time for the great bucket Sugar Sean O'Malley? Why don't you hang out? Hang out with us. Sugar Sean's going to join us the rest of the show. Tony, I thought that...

Holy shit, that was close. Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. We're going to keep it moving. Ladies and gentlemen, we have another special treat for you. 60 seconds uninterrupted for... Actually, you know what? Let's do something else special. You guys like special treats?

How many of you watch the show on YouTube? Make some noise for YouTube, huh? We love them. We have a special fucking treat for you right now. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, literally, the biggest fucking phenom in all of entertainment right now. Make some noise for the king of YouTube, the one and only Mr. Beast! Mr. Beast!

All right, let's have some fun and mix things up a little bit. You want to explain what we're doing? You want me to tell them? All right, so I brought $10,000 out here. And we're going to bring all the bucket pools back on stage and let you pick which one of them wins $10,000.

Let's get these motherfuckers back up here shall we? Here, can you hold this mic for a sec? Oh my god. Holy shit.

All right. I mean, that was a hell of a segment to follow up. That was intense. But yeah, me and Tony just called yesterday and here I am. Mr. Beast is the man. Fan, also fan of the show. Crazy. Of course. The wide range of fans we have here. And here they are. I bet I know who's going to fucking take this one, by the way.

I got a feeling I know who's going to win this. Okay, so let's go right through it. How many of you have our first comedian, Cameron Tagaroode here? Ooh, that's a lot of noise. Oh, yeah. Why doesn't our referee go hand over the head showing his diabetic tubing? Cameron looking for the sympathy vote.

We're a little bit out of order here, but I'm going to fucking try my best to remember who was who. How about David Perez? Okay. David's definitely out. Okay. How about Hefe Flores Hef? Ooh. He is out. Oh, my good friend from Milwaukee. Milwaukee's best. Who's got Mike Pack?

Oh, no chance, Mike Pack. It was a rough night for bucket bulls. How about Paxton Gobin? Uh-oh. How about his father? Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Okay. Who's got Michael Varamontes? Boo! Who's got Shiva Ari? Fuck that! Who's got Paxton's split-dick dad?

Mr. Beast, I think we got a winner. Ladies and gentlemen, Destiny and Smokin'. That is a real $10,000.

In a briefcase. You cannot make this up. He went from sitting in the stands. Are you going to share it with your son? Because he's while you're up here? Absolutely, yeah. We're going to split this up. That's funny. He was saying he was living out of his car earlier. He chose the guy with the broken penis. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Mr. Beast fixes one retarded guy's cock. I love it. He said, are you going to split this? It's a great fucking line. Mr. Beast, you got to hang out more often. No, except you're going to get me canceled. That's why they put me at the very end. How about one more time for all your bucket pulls, everybody?

Congratulations. Paxton, what's your dad's name again? Bruce? Bruce Gobin. Congratulations, Bruce. How do you feel? Step up to that mic. Hell yeah. Fuck it all. This is the best show on planet Earth. Mr. Beast, thank you for making that. That is so cool. All right, you guys get out of here.

Bruce, take one more bow in front of these people with your fucking briefcase. That is unbelievable. How cool. Mr. Beast, that is amazing. Thank you for doing this. I love it. What's next? Is there anything else? I mean, other than another comedian, you want to hang out for it? I'm down. I love it.

How about one more time for Mr. Beast? Come on. The Kershys.

Okay. So one last, uh, one last special treat. This young lady made her debut on the show this year, prepared 60 seconds for tonight. Really wanted to get up. She said she was going to sign up, but I told her I was just going to give her a spot, make some noise for red bands. Girlfriend of over 10 years, the one and only Janice. Yeah.

Come on everybody, it's Redman's real girlfriend make some fucking noise Is it just me or the ceilings like way too high in here sometimes I can't tell if someone is trans or just from the Midwest Actually see some of you guys out there. It's confusing. I don't think numerical age is a really good indication of age

I think, uh, spell... spelling ability is better. For example, if you know how to spell diarrhea without spell check, you're in your 30s. If you know how to spell hemorrhoids, you're in your 40s. I've been in my 40s since I was 12. Fuck yeah! You did it! That was great! You did it again!

Janice has a 100% fucking batting average on this show. So likable, well executed, great timing. How's it been going, Janice? Can you say that again? How's it going? It's going good. Okay, yeah. Absolutely adorable. What do you guys think of Red Band's girlfriend? She's hot. Oh, Sugar Sean. Sugar Sean thinks you're hot. Thank you, Sugar Sean. Welcome.

Hell yeah. What was it like destroying Rick Diaz earlier? I can't believe you guys went against me. I'm never going to forget that. What? I'll never forget it. You've heard of Hans Kim. This is Kim Hans. Love it. I love that sugar thinks you're hot. You've been sleeping next to a bag of sugar for 10 years, so...

The switch might be easy. Sorry, Sugar Sean. I like my guys with a little meat on them. Yes, yes, queen. Did Mr. Beast bring you in a briefcase?

This is like an Ocean's Eleven bomb. They snuck you in a briefcase. You crawled through an air duct just to bomb. No, I'm kidding. You didn't bomb. You did really great. I'm joking around, dude. Mr. Beast. Mr. Beast, what do you think of Janice's performance? I was more curious how long you guys have been dating.

Seven years. Seven and a half years. Oh, seven. Ooh, you guys started dating in the year of the rat. Mr. Beast, how bad do you want to bring water to her village? Fuck. Yeah. Amazing. Red Band? You know, I actually... I, uh...

I've been thinking about this, Janice. I don't think you need to change anything. I love you. Will you marry this old fuck? Make some noise for the fucking... Regret? Regret?

They're getting married! Whoa. Unbelievably adorable. The great Janice. Come on. You're going to be the one that has all of his stuff in two years when he has a heart attack anyway, so sit right there. Watch this ring! Come on, I'll throw it out right now. Janice, how do you feel? You know...

I've always said that if I ever see someone get proposed to on Kill Tony, I'd be like, I feel bad for that girl. There is nothing more perfect than this moment. I love it. Absolute chaos. Oh my God. Well, I think it's only right that we all stay up here. There's only one place to go from here.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kill Tony Hall of Famer, the record holder for all time appearances on the show. Literally, you heard him be talked about earlier this episode. I present to you the Tijuana Tornado, the Des Moines Dilemma, the Milwaukee Maneater,

The Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. The Big Red Machine. This is indeed William Montgomery. That makes me crazy. That makes me crazy.

When I say Hootie, you say, "Hoo, Hootie!" Okay, let's stop it there. So what? I got a structure settlement from JG Wentworth. How can you tell? But seriously, sorry, I'm late. I just tried to be auditioning to be the next Gold Bond spokesperson.

They weren't necessarily holding auditions. It just came to me. I can't explain it. I just realized what Gold Bond needed. The CEO was really surprised to see me. He was like, how did you know my home address? And did you know my security guards are dead? And where's my dog? My dog normally barks. Real quick, what if we gave the people of Gaza casinos? Would they?

Would they accept gambling establishments as sort of a truce? On behalf of Israel, I'd like to present to the people of Gaza the Sandcastle Casino run by Chief Plane on Fire. Okay, that's my time. Thank you so much. The powerful, the one, the only, the Big Red Machine, William G.

Lights out. Montgomery. How's it going, San Antonio? And also, I'm going to be very honest. It's very awkward up here right now. Mr. Beast owes me fucking $100,000. So it was a whole fucking T-shirt deal gone awry. So this was super awkward when I found out your ass was going to be here, bet. I love that screaming and going yourself.

Get his ass. What the fuck are you talking about? Not in San Antonio, dude. William, you are on fire tonight. You are in rare form. There is something. Oh, yeah, you can say that.

I love it. Where did you get this kind of attire, William? Red Bean. What are you wearing? Oh, my gosh, no. Red Bean actually gave me a $1,000 gift card for Anthropologie for Christmas, but the one stipulation was I had five minutes to pick out a fucking outfit, so...

This is what I got. Maybe next year, Red Band, you can give me fucking 10 minutes, you bitch! Speaking of Red Band, I don't know if you... Hey! Keep my man's name out your fucking mouth! Oh, shit! Oh! Janice! Janice, why? You know I can't stand your fucking ass, Janice! Why would you even say that? It's fucking New Year's Eve, bitch!

No, seriously, why would you say that, Janice? I'm trying to have fun tonight. Mr. Beast and I had a fun time up here. Why would you fucking do that, Janice? Does Mr. Beast really owe you $100,000? $100,000. There was some t-shirt deal, and tell him about it. It was in Sacramento. It was in some warehouse district. Yeah, Milwaukee, right? Yeah, Milwaukee. Yeah, that's...

What happens in Milwaukee stays in Milwaukee. Let me tell you. Don't bring that shit up here. Don't be a fucking... I was fucking in the hotel room that night in Milwaukee. You're acting like a real Mike Pack right now. We were in the lobby, first of all. That's where I have my gay sex, in the lobby. William...

We've been through a fucking lot. You have the most appearances and interviews all time on the show, so I think it's only fitting that you stay up here while we roll one more little video package. You know, it was at the...

He's already a Hall of Famer. But anyway, it was at the ACL Live Theater for the 10-year anniversary where we announced that we were doing this show here tonight. And you guys fucking shocked the world by filling this arena so fast that we had to add another show. And the fan base is fucking through the roof and it's out of control. So we'd like to show you where we are going in 2024. Here we go.

Roll that beautiful bean footage. And also not to be a downer, but I have six months left to live. There's skin cancer again. So...

We need you to make it eight months. It's August 10th, 2024. Madison Square Garden. A fucking podcast in Madison Square Garden because of crazy motherfuckers with a demented sense of humor like you people. That's nuts. William, that's what's up. So nice to be here today. Happy New Year.

So, yeah, tickets go on sale. Was it the 3rd or the 4th? I didn't fucking... I forgot. The 8th. 8th at 10 a.m., whatever time zone fucking that venue's in. East Coast for Madison Square Garden and the West Coast, the L.A. Kia Forum. So that's a big deal. Those are the...

Two of the biggest arenas in the fucking country. We love you guys. Congratulations to those of you that bought the stream, that watched that announcement live, that are going to get your Wi-Fi juiced up for fucking January 8th to buy the tickets. And since it's not midnight yet, I figured to end the thing, we'll do our own special countdown. How does that sound, huh? That's not how it sounds.

Where the fuck are you going? So let's roll that shit. Roll it. You guys aren't going to want to leave, by the way, you idiots trying to beat fucking H-E-B center traffic. How are we ever going to get out of Cedar Park? It's a fucking whole freeway. Nobody's on it. Relax, you idiots. Roll the fucking video. Roll the countdown video. Roll it. There we go. Again, a special shout out to the comedy mothership.

Yellow Rose, Red Rose, Connect Mobile Health, NinjaBuses.com came through huge for us this weekend. Austin Security Guard Service is the best in the world. They happen to be here in Austin. And Jail Blaster, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year, everybody.

And one last special treat. Make some noise for Austin's own Danny Brown, everybody. Where the hell is he? Ladies and gentlemen, Austin's own and Kill Tony legend, multiple time guest, super fan, Danny Brown. Don't hit it yet. Don't listen to him.

Yo, yo, what's up? What's up, Danny? You want to do it? Let's go. Let's go. Get up on your fucking feet, Austin, Texas. This is it. We're bringing it home right now.

Remember when my first meal was school lunch? Now I'm spitting 16 straight with no punks. Remember our banana? All we had was Captain Crunch. Now we blow big bunks on our way to brunch. Went from good fella to commissary slips. But I got back up, man, every time I slept.

Never ever tripped, I just kept on pursuing. Teacher always asked me, what was I doing? Scribbled in my notepad, but never did homework. Lower teachers paying, get the Adderall's work. Rocks on me, heel fingers, one with the bow. Newport kicks way before we even spoke. Remember having baby lines choking when I hit it? Nowadays, waste a whole seven in a sitting. Remember back then, man, we thought we'd grow up. Rushing at a kid just to be grown up. Hands up!

Whoever thought I'd be the greatest girl when I'm hands up? Whoever thought I'd be the greatest girl when I'm hands up? Whoever thought I'd be the greatest girl when I'm hands up? Whoever thought I'd be?

I can eat a pound of shit, 64 quarters. Burned up fire and drown drops of water. Sondatoia off them beans like Goya. Gone off the fire, got me jumping off the sofa. Hotter than a hot pocket on the double microwave. Model bitches begging just to be a nigga sex slave. Atomic pouring garments like a tailor made. Every time they see me, man, they wetter than an Everglades. Every day, same shit, me get paid. Wake up new bitch, me get laid.

Used to bring bottles back, now they bring bottles back Now they see me shinin' and they lookin' like a water back Catch a heart attack, new poor soft pack Never blow Blumwraps, but these Blumwraps sold out Whoever thought I'd be the greatest girl when I'm hands up Whoever thought I'd be the greatest girl when I'm hands up Whoever thought I'd be the greatest girl when I'm hands up

Whoever thought I'd be the greatest girl in the hands. Whoever thought I'd be. Make some fucking noise for Danny Brown. The man, the myth, the legend. Make some noise for Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker. The newlyweds, Red Baron and Janice.

Jetski Johnson, Paul Deamer, Michael Gonzalez, James Atkins. Here's your paintings from Ryan J. Ebelton, Chris Rogers. Make some fucking noise for D Madness. John Dees on the keys. The Great Dane on the keys. Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. Ryan J., what do you got for us? Oh my God.

Chris Rogers on the right. Ryan Jay with a lot of detail on the left. Fucking unbelievable. We love you guys. Hopefully we'll see you at the Forum in May and Madison Square Garden in August. I love you guys!

After party tonight at Poor Choices on 6th Street. We fucking love you guys to death. You're truly the best comedy fans on planet Earth. I love you guys. Dude, I have sex with every single guy in here. Dude, I love you guys. I was thinking the exact same thing. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

One more time for Mr. Beast, Sugar Sean O'Malley, Hans Kim, Cam Patterson, Aaron Belisle, Aphrodite, Matt and Shane, Dr. Fucking Phil, Brian Holtzman, all the bucket pulls, Valerie Vaughn, Yellow Rose and Red Rose, Heidi, Isabel, everybody. We love you guys.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪

*Squeaky*