#643 - THE REGULARS
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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at deathsquad.tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at tonyhinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to sunsetstripatx.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. ♪♪

Hey, this is Fred Bane, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. For our brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hitchclap!

You guys ready for the best fucking night of your lives or what? Yippee! Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. We've been doing this a long time, him and I.

You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Gel Blaster, The Red Rose, Yellow Rose, NinjaBuses.com, Hall Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service, and Connect Mobile Health, where you can get an IV drip at any time that you want. Use the code KILL15 to save 15%. Full recovery. It's unbelievable if you're not getting IV drips.

You're stupid. You can drink. You can do whatever you want. You can travel. You can do anything and feel like a million bucks all the time. It's an unbelievable deal. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

Did you just miss our two huge Kill Tony New Year's Eve shows? Man, you missed out. But no worry. If you want to check us out in our first arena show live from the HEB Center in Austin, Texas, you have one more week to go to KillTonyLive.com and purchase it. We have two shows, the two biggest shows we've ever done, available for one more week at KillTonyLive.com.

You guys ready to start tonight's episode, huh? You guys gotta do better than that. Are you guys ready to have the best fucking time? I'll ask again, how many of you are die-hard fans of this show, huh?

Well, I book the show every single week. You know, I feel like a lot of the interviews with our regulars have gone long lately and not enough attention has been given to the bucket. So tonight I would like to announce that for the first time ever, or at least the first time in a long time, you have arrived at an episode that shall be known as The Great Bucket Bonanza. Thank you.

And what that means is that your guests tonight will not be performing. They will be with us all night. They are indeed the backbone of the show. My three favorite top young rising comedians in the world. It is indeed William Montgomery, Cam Patterson, and Hans Kim.

Wow. Oh my god. You know them. You love them. You watch them every fucking week. And now they are here right in front of you for the entire episode.

They all came from the bucket, now they are superstars. International Travelers, William Montgomery coming off of seven sold-out shows in Chicago this weekend. Cam Patterson and Hans Kim coming off of two massive sold-out 3,000-plus seat theaters in Florida with me. And Red Band...

Coming off a weekend, he has a new face massager thingy that massages his face. It's great. Smart goggles. Oh, yeah. I haven't pre-pulled at all yet. And we have to go all the way across the street tonight. Ooh. Okay. I should have thought of that one. Ooh, that's exciting. Here, you know what? Grab two of them. Fuck it. All right. Let's get them over. Oh, that's inside. I saw that. Wait, bring it back. Let's do that one.

Yeah, that's inside. This girl is a... How about one more time for our guests, though, everybody? Hans Pym, Pam Patterson. Get Genevieve. Go grab Genevieve. Somebody. Christy, get Genevieve.

How you doing, William? I'm doing good. There was actually, where I was this past weekend, a woman walked into a walk-in freezer a couple years ago at the hotel and froze to death in the walk-in freezer. And they actually, weirdly enough, they had a walk-in freezer experience. While I was at the hotel, it was $1,500. They lock you in the walk-in freezer. I was in there eight hours. It was...

Hell yeah, you paid the money for it. $1,500. That's right. The great Cam Patterson is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hello, Cam!

I mean, truly, truly, if you guys saw what this kid is doing in theaters, not letting the audience breathe at all, the only, the last one to go up before me always. Gang shit. Gang shit. Big time. Real bad. You had some family members at the shows in Florida. Would you like to tell the audience how many of your family members you invited backstage at these massive theaters? Oh, in Jacksonville, 57. 57. Oh.

I knew six of them. I knew six of them. I was just grabbing black people off the street and telling them, "Let's have a good time." You know what I'm saying? He knew six of them. Meanwhile, 53 of them were introduced to me as cousins. And the great Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. Hello. How's it going, Hans? It's great to be on tour with you, Tony, and meet all of Kim's cousins.

I lost my wallet seven times on the tour. That's right. I'm just kidding. That's right. Those air tags come in handy out there. I got it. And a little fun fact is William Montgomery is celebrating tonight his five-year anniversary of being a member of the show here on Kill Tony. The only current living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame.

It's been five, it's somehow been five years. I remember right when I started doing it, I was thinking I'll be able to make it six months and now it's five years. Red Band and I hate one another more than ever before. I can't even look at his stupid fucking fat ass. You look fat as fuck up in the room. Okay, all right, you be nice to Red Band. He's a sweet boy. How could you ever be mean to Red Band? We don't do that. Um...

Speaking of six months, exactly six months for Cam Patterson and two and a half years for Hans Kim. So you're looking at...

Fucking freshman, sophomore, senior over here. Let's jump right into it. You guys know how the show works. We are going to try to set a record for bucket pools here tonight with the regulars here. So we're going to meet a bunch of brand new innocent souls. And we're going to see if we're going to let them keep their souls or if I take them. And they get 60 seconds to perform uninterrupted. You know their time is up. You hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Which just cuts them off. Then I lead them in an interview. We find out more about them. The entire show is improvised. Fucking anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? All right, let's jump right into it. I pull the name from the inside while they grab the person from the bar across the street. Make some noise for you know her. She has been on the show multiple times. I actually had her open up for me in Detroit. Detroit.

at the start of this tour. And she's fantastic. She's an employee here. Everybody loves her. This is a brand new minute from the great Genevieve, everybody. Genevieve. - Now that I smoke and I reflect back on my childhood, I do see some hints of queerness. Like for instance, you ever been in between showers? Like you don't stink, but you ain't fresh?

and you get a whiff of yourself, your first thought shouldn't be, "I eat it." I like being a little gay in Texas. It's fun as fuck. Texas, where you can be gay, but don't be gay about it. Isn't it obvious that white people named it Nigeria? But I don't think they pronounced it like that. I think they walked up in there and was like, "There's a bunch of niggas in here. It's a niggeria in this bitch."

Hey, I'm Genevieve. Thank y'all so much. Boom. 57 seconds.

Brand new, never heard before by the great Genevieve. Welcome back to the show, Genevieve. Thank y'all for having me. Good to see all y'all. I love it. You look extra happy today. Look at you. Oh, you know, bucket pools do that to you. Absolutely. I love it. It's all happening. What are you working tonight? You're on TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the yonder nigga, as Cam would say. Oh, okay. Touchdown. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Gang violence. Yeah.

Do we have any suspicious Apple watches? Oh, yeah. I'm checking for all y'all motherfucking shit. Hell yeah. That's right. Locked it up tonight, baby. How's it going in life, Genevieve? It's going great, man. Great Bones are repairing my Joe Rogan fanny pack. Hell yeah. Oh, what happened to it originally? I'm back to holding philanthropy. How did it break?

Oh, you know, just being too rough with it. You know what I'm saying? I had channeled the Rogan spirit and I was like, you know, just okay. All right. I've never seen Rogan do that before. He didn't do that. I love it. Okay. What else is going on?

Hell yeah, just being here, doing shows around town, getting love all over the city. Fucking love Austin, man. It's been a great time. I love it. Guys, you guys know Genevieve? What'd you think of the minute? Yeah, Genevieve, I loved your set, but that's actually my Nigeria joke. Oh, shit. I've said that one a bunch. I think you know that's my joke, so... Yeah. I was a little horrified when I heard it come out of your mouth. Yeah.

Why would it be a white people on Niger? But I feel like that's two on the nose. Right. And we know how we feel about those kinds of noses. National noses.

Cam, you have 56 cousins. What'd you think of this performance? Genevieve, my cousin. That's right. I had a feeling. I thought I saw one of her backstage in Jacksonville. Gang violence. Gang violence. Absolutely. That's so hard, man. Hans Kim? I love that Nigeria joke. You know, Nigeria is what it looked like backstage at the theaters. Thank you. Thank you.

Genevieve, we love you. Another great new minute. You've been on this show many times. You did it again. Genevieve, everybody. We're going to fly through them tonight, folks. We're going to meet some innocent people. This name kind of looks familiar. Let's see what happens here. New minute from Tony Cruz, everybody. Here comes Tony Cruz. Right out of the bucket. Here we go. How's everybody doing? Have y'all heard the good news? Fast and Furious and Marvel Universe agreed to merge in their next film.

Yeah, Vin Diesel will be transitioning to a female role as America Chavez. It's pretty 2023, isn't it? Dwayne The Rock Johnson will be recasted to play her bitch. And Ghost Rider will be played by Paul Walker. The legacy continues, guys. It's a role he's been dying to play. I used a butt plug recently.

It didn't work. I still shit my pants. Yeah, I didn't realize butt plugs were used for sexual pleasure until I stuck one up my ass. Yeah, my eyes are open, especially my brown eye. Guys, I just want to say this. Y'all are all beautiful. Everybody in here is beautiful. You're all so beautiful, when you go home tonight, you should all go fuck yourselves. My name is Tony Cruz.

Okay, Tony Cruz. You got some laughs. I didn't think anything was funny at all, but this is a very generous audience. I think it's what we're figuring out. They're giving laughs on what appears to be cadence alone. It appears as though if you leave a gap for laughter, this audience will give you some respect. Welcome back, Tony. You were on last week, correct? Yes, sir. Very lucky man. Look at you. Amazing. How does it feel? Feels good, man. I love it. I'm having fun. It's amazing how luck...

goes to people that don't have much talent often. You know what I mean? Like the universe has a weird way of balancing it out. Like, hey, let's give this guy another opportunity with half jokes. Yeah.

It's great, though. You look fantastic. Thank you, sir. I appreciate it. You said you look like a homeless Mario. Like you got into a horrible car accident and just things went downhill from there. What made you dress like that today? I mean, I don't know, man. I figured I was going to be on Kill Tony, so why not? Why do I feel like you're not wearing any underwear underneath that? That's just curiosity, guys. I'm just saying. I can show you if you want. No? That was gay. Okay.

Yeah. Oh, show us, show us. I'm kidding, bitch! William wants to see your toadstool there. Tony, remind us, what do you do for a living? I don't have a job, no, sir. You don't have a job. Yeah, I'm... Comedy. If we're gonna do it, let's fucking do it. Just trying to do comedy now. Can you jump? Do you know how to jump? I do, yeah. Let's see that. Yeah.

Can you squat down all at one speed like you're going down a sewer pipe? No. Do it again. Do it again. Nice and slow. Nice and slow. Why'd you turn it down? Can you super jump for us? Come on, try it. Don't overthink it. Okay, yeah, put the mic away. Sure. Yeah.

Okay, that's what we did before. Can you shoot an imaginary fireball out of your hands like that? Stop putting the fucking mic away. Okay, that's this one, Red Band. There's one called Fireball. Do it again, do it again. Do it again. Okay, let's try to do it at the same fucking time. Ready, set, go. Okay, good enough. I like that. Okay.

I like that. Okay, can you do a small jump? Let's keep playing Mario games here. Small jump. Why is it all the same? Oh, okay, I see there is a difference. Wow, interesting. You know how Mario sometimes powers up like that? Can you do that? Wow, I think he just pooped his pants on that one, everybody. This is absolutely incredible.

Whoa, what's that? Oh, okay, you're just moving the cord. I thought you were doing... It's amazing how that activated that like that. What's your favorite video game character of all time, Mario? Me? Yeah. On Grand Theft Auto? Grand Theft Auto. Yeah. Yeah. I play as myself. Oh. Yeah, it's you. You're the one that lives at the top in the desert, right? My character wears overalls and everything, so yeah. Okay. Guys, what do you think about this piece of absolute trash? I...

I am just loving the Carhartt. Thank you, dude. He is. I can see from here he's Carhartt as a rock right now. Hey. Hello. I do believe I just... Whatever. I flag-polled that one. That's right. Bowser Falls. All right. Cam Patterson. Ain't you the one that was bought at the top, nigga? You bought at the top, right? Oh, I'm the boss. Take your hat off. No, take your hat off. Let's see here.

Hans Kim, you invented the game Mario for Nintendo. Yes. It's good to see my intellectual property come to life. This is...

It's like the Barbie movie for me. Yeah, man. Yeah, sure. I like that you're trying to be really chill and even-tempered and not go up or down too much. It's an interesting strategy for comedy. I mean, yeah. You get what you can get, man. It is. So here we are. We are not going to spend a lot more time with you. You were on last week. Tell us something that we didn't find out about you last week that's crazy about you or something that you've accomplished or done.

or a crime or something you've gotten away with or anything at all. Really interesting. Give us something compelling here. I dropped out of school and got my GED. No, no, no. We want you to tell us something that we don't know. Perhaps you don't understand the question. Something that we wouldn't have guessed about you. Something that would surprise us. I don't know, Tony. I do a lot of things. I enjoy comedy. I enjoy talking to people, networking. It's fun. I'm having fun.

Yeah. Yeah. How about in your life? Your entire life you have to use here. Maybe perhaps an embarrassing sexual experience. Perhaps you have a special skill or talent. Really anything at all. I've had somebody shit on me during sex. Oh, okay. Was it on purpose or was it an accident? It was an accident. Okay. And what position was he or she in? She was in missionary and it was weird. Well, how'd she poop on you? We were performing anal.

And we didn't. You have to prepare for that. Right, right. Hell yeah. Missionary anal? Missionary anal position. That is risky business. Weird. Yeah. It is. That's why you have to eat your Kellogg's Aubrey and Bud's before anal. That is true. And you have to make sure you have dude wipes right next to the bed. Right next to it. Keep your dude wipes handy.

Why do I feel like you've pooped the bed in missionary position as well? I have pooped. Yeah, you farted. I've shit myself before, yeah, for sure. Absolutely, 100%. I love Taco Bell, man. I'm a Taco Bell guy. The overalls are an interesting choice for a guy that poops himself a lot because you have to take off your top. The good thing about these, they conceal the smell, so you wouldn't know until I take them off. Until it falls out of the pant leg immediately. All right, there he goes, Tony Cruz, everybody. Two weeks in a row of Tony Cruz.

Proving that anything can happen. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Zach Black, everybody. We're flying through him tonight. Flying through it. Zach Black.

So everybody knows that I like older women, and I just went on a date with a 65-year-old woman. I'll admit, maybe I went a little too far with that one, but then she asked me if I ever had a threesome with a mother and daughter. Like, now we're talking, right? So she takes me back to her place, introduces me to her mother. I had never been with a woman that old, I'm going to be honest. I ran out of there, straight to my car, got my video camera, went back in. It's on Pornhub if y'all want to check it out.

And I'm actually seeing that mother later tonight. Yeah. I'm trying to get in that will. I'm going to try to fuck her to death. And you'll know if I do, too, because next Monday I'll be pulling up in an 83 Buick with a pocket full of hard candy and ashes. I hope I can do it, too, because I really like her car. It reminds me of her leather interior. All right.

All right, Zach Black. So the whole gist is you fucked an old lady? Yeah. And you just went on and on about it? Yeah. Okay. Again, a very generous audience. I was listening to the laughter thinking maybe I missed something.

But again, I think they're really excited to be here. They're letting everybody kind of glide by with mediocrity. Four o'clock. It is an early show. It's an early taping tonight. A lot of energy on the audience still. So what really happened? Tell us the truth. What really happened that night?

Where'd you meet this old bag of bones? She DM'd me on Facebook. Ooh, see, that should be part of the thing. It should? Yeah, I think so. You could tell it's an old lady because she DM'd you on Facebook. That would be the most original part of your entire 60 seconds if that was a part of your 60 seconds.

Saying that her skin is leather-like would be a joke from perhaps the 30s or 40s. Whereas saying that she DM'd you on Facebook would be a 2023 joke. Do you see the difference? Yeah, absolutely. One had wooden wheels at the time. The other's a 2023. Yeah. Okie dokie. Horse drawn. Let's just keep plowing forward here, Zach. So she DM'd you on Facebook and then what happened?

Well, I'm going to be honest. It's all made up. I do like older women, but the whole 65, the mother. I'm going to be honest. I was asking because I knew you weren't being honest. I could tell throughout. You ever been with an older woman? I have. What's the oldest? It was old as fuck.

It was at a Tony Clifton. It was literally at a Tony Clifton show at the Comedy Store. I think it was 2009. I had never been with an older woman before, and I knocked it out all at once in one night. One woman so old that I shall never go back towards anywhere near that direction, anywhere 50 years that close to that age of a woman. I'm kidding. It wasn't that bad.

But I do believe she fucked Andy Kaufman before, so that should give you some range of what we're talking about here. Who that is? That was the thing that attracted me to her. I was 24 and didn't give a fuck back then. Who is that? It's nobody anybody knows. Okay, the old nigga. It's not like Mother Teresa or anything like that. The old nigga. The old nigga you talking about? The old N-word that I'm talking about. Andy Kaufman.

Oh, yeah, you don't know who Andy Kaufman is. It's an old comedian, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, I like him. He's funny as hell. He died the year I was born, which should tell you something. Anyway, but it's good that you're asking me about my things so that it's a more compelling, interesting story, even though I'm giving no real information away about it at all and didn't prepare anything. But let's go back to your dishonest 60 seconds. What made you make up the fact that you slept with an older woman?

Well, I generally do go for the older women, so I just exaggerated it a little bit. But when you say you generally go for older women, is that who you hook up with the most? Yeah, probably, definitely. So the last time you hooked up with a real older woman, how did that go down? In real life, you don't have to make it funny. We dated for six months. See, that's funny.

You're not supposed to date an older woman. You're supposed to fuck them, Zach. Who's going falling in love with some fucking... Oh, let me take a guess here. You were raised by a single father? No. Okay, you just hate your mom. I don't hate her. I don't talk to her very much. She's all right. Right, exactly. So you're looking for that is what you don't know. You're looking for a mom.

Yeah. There we go. We're doing this shit. How much... That's a lot of Sopranos. That Dr. Melfi was on this shit. How much older are you going for, though? Are you like, oh, she's three years older than me. Are you doing that shit? No. No, I would say... This guy's disgusting. You can tell. 50, 55. Exactly. Yeah, fucking gross, bro. Unbelievable. Nigga, you need therapy, though. Yeah. No, bro. Sopranos.

Not just any one. I like, you know, chicks that work out at least, you know, maybe some... Well, Jesus, I hope so, yeah. With like a walker or something like that. 55-year-olds aren't really pumping that much iron out there. Do you have a fantasy of killing the bitch with your dick? Cam, I wish I could. Do you prefer a dry vagina to a wet one? Absolutely not. Who would prefer a dry one? A guy that tracks down 55-year-olds. Yeah.

They get just as wet, right? Older ladies in the crowd? Maybe some of them, but some of them go through menopause. There's things that happen to women biologically to where things can kind of slow down down there a little bit. Well, I still only talk to the healthy ones that take vitamins and drink enough water. Is that a part of your first date?

Do you take vitamins and drink a lot of water? Actually, yeah. That's my criteria for pretty much anyone I'm going to hang out with. Do you take vitamins? Are you asking me if I take vitamins? I know you take vitamins. Clearly. Maybe I don't. Yeah, I mean, who are you asking, motherfucker? Were you asking me, you motherfucking piece of shit? Huh? I could recommend some vitamins if... Cool, name one.

D3, that's very important. He just tried to fuck out of you. He just tried to fuck out of you. Did you just fucking try me right now, you piece of shit? I thought you were fucking trying me. And at the very beginning of your set, you're like, oh, everybody knows I love old bitches. I was thinking, I don't fucking know that dumbass. I'm sure nobody fucking knows you like older women.

And I was wondering, though, how are you doing? Are you, like, hitting it from the back? Or what are you doing with these bitches, dude? Are the lights on? Are the lights off? Are there candles going? What are you doing? Get a little fucking Werther's Original, put it in her asshole. Absolutely. You toss her fucking old brown lettuce. LAUGHTER

You be talking over the life alert? That's what you be doing? You be talking over the life alert? I'm balling and I can't get up. Hold up, bitch. I got to stay right there. I got to stay right there. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom with these older ladies? Is there any things that you do? Do you take off like their prosthetic legs or something like that or...

Stupid. Bend them over the walker. Sometimes in the shower, the old ladies, they got the rails in their bathtub. Ah, the old double rail. Absolutely. The old railroad. All right. Hans, anything for this guy? This guy looks like Tony Hawk bro-waiter. Right. A bro-waiter instead of pro-skater. Bro-waiter, everybody.

Bro waiter. All right, there he goes. Zach Black, everybody. On to the next one we go. We're flying through them. We really are. Make some noise for your next... Come on, just go. No fucking handshakes. Jesus Christ, these people. Hey, we're buddies now. I'll see you around town. We're going to be doing a lot of work together now. Shut the fuck up. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Michael Hines, everybody. Michael Hines is next. Go, Tony.

I'm not pro Hamas, but I can always go for a little chickpea.

No, but seriously, I am stoked on this new war. I'm super excited about it because that Russia versus Ukraine shit was getting boring. No one's talking about it anymore. I think it's because everyone was on the same team. I stand with Ukraine this, I support Ukraine that. No one was pro-Russia, I mean, like, except for me. But this new one, it's sort of red versus blue, but anyone could be a wild card. You never know what someone's going to say.

I hope they annihilate each other so we can get the Holy Land set up for my boy JC. But there's lots of shocking opinions out there. Like Greta Thunberg went from tweeting about saving the environment and tweeting about BLM to tweeting about killing the Jews, which was crazy to me. It was shocking just because I never really thought me and Greta would see eye to eye on anything before, you know? But if you guys ever notice that a black...

Oh, man, I got cut off there. You could have kept going, but you're obviously allergic to cats or something like that. It really stopped you in your tracks there. Have you been attacked by a kitty cat before? No. Okay. Okay.

Here he is. How about one more time for Michael Hines, everybody? And here we go. This is very exciting. You've been on this show before? Yeah, I have. Absolutely. Look at you. Look at yourself. It's absolutely incredible. You look like the world's youngest pedophile. Total opposite of the last guy. You're going the other direction in the age group. Am I correct? You like him young, don't you?

My age is fine. I've always gone like two years older. They got more money. Oh, more money. Yes. Some of that 24-year-old money. How old are you? I'm 24. Right. Exactly. Okay. So what do you do for work? I'm on unemployment right now. Okay. You don't look like the stoner idiot that you are. It's interesting. I'm on unemployment right now.

It's interesting. The carpet doesn't match the fucking drapes with you or something like that. Yeah. It does with me. Oh, shit. Fuck yeah. Fire hydrant. Look out.

My mom told me if I came back on Kill Tony, I couldn't come home for Christmas. So I guess that's over. Give us some backstory to that. Why would she say such a thing? She's pretty evangelical in my math. My last minute was about my penis. It was about my penis. It was about my penis. My last minute I talked about my penis. Yeah.

My evangelical mother did not like me talking about my little Christmas ornament. Where are you from? You have such an interesting twang. Oh, New Jersey. I wouldn't have guessed that. My evangelical mother talking about my penis. How hard did you get bullied all the time in Jersey? Would you get bullied 95 or 100% of the time?

I was a martial arts instructor in high school, so I fought a lot. I got picked on a lot. Which means you got bullied all the way up until high school. Oh, yeah. I love it. And then one year you came back and you're like, what'd you say? All right.

I actually fought a crackhead the other day. You fought David Allen? You did? Tell us about it. Me and Ben Williams. No one knows who that is. Go ahead. Nobody knows what you're talking about. Dropping fucking open mic names out here. Wait, the Ben Williams? No.

We're going to the gas station and a crackhead, I asked to borrow his lighter to light my cigarette and he was cool with it and then he was like, yo, can you get me a drink? And I was like, alright. Stop, stop, stop. God damn it, stop. You asked the crackhead if you could borrow his lighter? Yeah.

Well, he offered and mine wasn't working. So you're obviously struggling with the lighter out there. Your fucking hair is in your face. You got to flip it back every 10 seconds because that's like your thing. Yeah. And then he sees you and he's like, hey, man, you need a lighter? Yeah. And I was like, cool, I'll get you a drink. And then he was like, two drinks, two sandwiches, a pack of cools. So I got one pack of cools, gave him four cigarettes. And he said, you owe me $20. So I called him a faggot.

And then he's like, bitch, you a faggot. He ran up behind me and punched me in the back of the head. Right, right. And then what happened? Parried the second punch and hit him in the teeth. Can you show us some of your martial arts? Just put the mic in the mic stand and show us what you did. And here we go. A little Michael Hines surprise martial art. Whoa, whoa.

Oh my goodness. That was it. Okay, alright. There he was, Michael Hines. I hope that's not the speed that you threw them at in real life. I was afraid I was gonna kick the drums. I don't wanna fall.

Wow, what an amazing martial arts instructor you are. I was afraid I was accidentally going to kick behind me really hard and fall over. God damn it. I feel like anybody up here could beat the shit out of you, dude. I do not believe that you're a martial arts instructor. I would go fucking 10 to 1 on D-Madness on this. I got fucking...

I think he would just grab you and never let go and just swing at whatever. Well, the other senses are enhanced, right? That's what D-Madness would do with his seeing cane. Is that what it's called, a seeing cane? All right, I don't know. Just call it a cane, sir. Okay, just folding cane. Nunchucks for the blind. Nunchucks for the blind. Okay.

What would be your approach at Deep Madness if he came at you with the nunchucks for the blind? I think if I ran away and took a couple turns, I can get out of there. You son of a bitch. That is such a pussy way out of the situation. Yet, that is probably the smartest maneuver. That's when shit gets scary. You're running around a corner and Dee just turns the lights out.

And you just hear footsteps coming closer to you. And he can hear your footsteps, so you're fucked. You just see glowing sunglasses coming directly at you at a very fast pace. Yes. Michael Hines, craziest thing about your life that we didn't know about you? You've been on this show before. Tell us what we didn't find out the last interview. Craziest thing about my life...

My dad got arrested when I was like three and the house got stormed for telemarketing stuff. We got swatted when I was like three years old. For telemarketing stuff? Yeah, dude. Isn't that crazy? Can you explain what that means a little bit? Maybe I'm the only one that doesn't get it. So I guess a Fed pretended to be an employee of another company and said he had a list of hot leads and that's illegal to buy. Yeah.

And then we got swatted and they took all our stuff. I don't think that's swatted. I think swatted is when somebody sends the police on you for a crime you didn't commit. No, but swatted is when they're kicking the door and all that. Like the SWAT team.

Is that the right terminology? No, I don't think that's exactly what that is, dumbass. I think it's totally a different... I think your dad got arrested. I think there's a difference. Am I right or am I just like, could be wrong? But like with a SWAT team.

Sure, if there's a SWAT team, I don't think that that means getting swatted. Swatted is when you, like, send something to somebody that doesn't deserve it. Exactly. Your dad was a criminal. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He didn't get swatted. He got in trouble by the police. Let's go to our senior in trouble by the police correspondent, Cam Patterson. Yeah, telemarketing just mean drugs, stupid, dumbass. You know what I mean?

I would telemarketing shit. Yeah, cocaine. That's what that was. Yeah. Telemarketing. That's hilarious. Well, son, I didn't really get in trouble. It was a telemarketing thing and I got swatted. You believe everything your dad tells you, huh? Yeah. Do you think that you're... How long did he go away for? Only like two years. Yeah, only two years. That didn't affect your childhood at all. I don't even remember. Right. Yeah.

All right, there he goes. Michael Hines, everybody. We're going to keep moving forward here. You guys having fun tonight? We've been through four bucket pulls already. We're on pace to set a record. Are you guys having a good time? All right, make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted. This looks like a new name. Kasui, everybody. Cole Kasui. Here we go. How y'all doing?

I'm doing all right, doing all right. I got told recently I look like a more lesbian Ellen DeGeneres, so that's not great. I mean, I get it. I don't look masculine at all. I feel like when people look at me, they think, all right, I'm almost positive you are a dude, but I am positive you are a bitch. And that's fair. That's fair. I just moved here. I moved from Houston. I noticed there's a lot less Latino women here than Houston, which is good because they didn't like me.

That's good. I don't think I could date a Latina because I can't handle spicy foods. I think that's just too big of a barrier to overcome. Like, I even think salsa can be too spicy. It's the whitest shit ever. It's not a good look when I'm at a restaurant and the waiter's like, "Do you need anything else with your chips and salsa?" And I'm like, "A glass of milk, actually. It would be great." My throat is on fire. You know, I'm back on dating apps, recently single. I don't mind them. I do think it's weird, though, when girls put pictures of them as a kid on their dating profile.

Ladies, I don't know why you think we'd like that. It's not like I'm going to go out with a girl and be like, yeah, she's really not that attractive now, but man, was she cute when she was nine. I'm in. All right, thank y'all.

Adorable. Cole Kasui. There he is, everybody. Castle. Hello, how are you? What is it? Castle. Castle? That's how you pronounce that? Yeah. Oh, that's an L. You have a short L. Yeah. You have a short L that looks like an undotted lowercase I. I'm sorry. Has anyone ever told you that before? No, actually, no. You think that's a normal size L? Yeah.

How does that look to you? That 100% looks like you were trying to do a lowercase I and forgot the dot on the top. How does that look like to you? That doesn't look like a short L at the end of castle? You're a dummy hill, man. Thank you. Thank you. And he doesn't even know how to read. That's on me. I thought that'd be fake. He's like, whatever Tony says.

Okay, Tony. I think it say something cool there. I don't know.

This guy's a bitch. Fuck it. That's right. That's right. But thank you for taking off of lacrosse practice to be here tonight. You seem like you have the look. I'm not saying you have the words or style or speak like, but you have the look of a rich kid. Are you a rich kid? No, middle class. Middle class. That's what rich kids say, though.

Because there's kids richer than them, so they call themselves middle class. Our good friend Benji, whose family owns basically hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars worth of property in Los Angeles, calls himself middle class. I was definitely the type. I was pretty spoiled, but all my friends were way more spoiled, so I didn't think I was spoiled. Okay, what does your dad do for a living? Something with... He gets...

Why are you pretending like you don't know? Is he working telemarketing? He's like the middleman of getting investors and companies that need money. He's like the middleman of that. Uh-huh. You don't know what his title is? No. You have no idea what your dad does for a living? No, I really don't. If a judge in a courthouse asked you, what does your father do for a living? You'd be like, he's the middleman between money and...

No, I actually don't know the title. Wow. Are you close with your dad? Yeah. And you have no idea what he does for a living? No, we don't really talk about his work. We'll talk about my work, but not his work. Why do you think that is? Why do you think you don't talk about his work, but meanwhile he's taking money from some people and giving it to richer people? Why do you think he doesn't want to talk about that with you? Why would you guess that your father, who is blatantly, blatantly stealing money from...

From poor to actual middle class people and reinvesting it into your own wealth. Why do you think he doesn't want to talk about that with you? Well, when you put it like that. You have no brothers and one sister. Am I correct? Two sisters. Only two sisters. Yeah. You know how I knew that? Yeah. This is an interesting one. You know how I knew that?

Because you have the energy of a guy that never had any brothers. Yeah, I get it. You have no brother energy. William has brother energy. Cam has brother energy. Actually, he has brother energy. But you have this type of like... You've never been like fucking fucked with or anything. Yeah, I mean...

Classic bowling every now and then, but nothing too crazy. You're a closet bowler? Classic bowling. Oh, classic bowler. I thought you were a secret about your bowling. Second life bowling. I did try out for my high school bowling team. I made it, and then I didn't join. Showed them what they wanted, and then said, you can't have it. Wow, look at that. You're hard to pin down. Yeah. Yeah.

That was actually because my friend didn't make it, so I was like, I'm not doing this alone. Right. Okay. So how long have you lived in Austin?

Beginning of November. What do you do for work? I'm in financial sales. I sell insurance to financial advisors. Did your dad help you get that job? No. He has helped me get interviews before, but not this job. He didn't help you get this job at all? No. Not at all? I swear. The resume that you gave them had nothing about your father in the entire thing. No. I got it on my own. How'd you get it on your own? I called my dad and he said, I got you. What?

He'll definitely help with the interview process and maybe a resume a little bit. Maybe resume a little bit. So we're backtracking on my original thing. He didn't find the company. It was like, yo, apply for this. I applied on my own. Did the interview. That's not what I asked at all. What? Yeah. You just answered the question from a minute and a half ago to where you don't think anything on the resume was affected by your father at all.

Yeah, just don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I'm confused. You don't need to know that I won that round. You'll figure it out when you watch the episode. Okay. Thank you. Finally, a breather.

So, okay, and you do that for work. You've lived here since November. What's your love life like? Single now, so not great. Why single now? What's different now that wasn't like this before? Well, probably just because I moved here, so I don't really know anyone, so...

Went on one date here. Didn't go too great. And then I was like, I'm just going to focus on comedy. You said one date here didn't go too great? It sounds terrible. Tell us what happened. Yeah, it was the first weekend I was here. And this is November of this year. Is it a month ago? Yeah. So a month ago is the real answer. And here we go. Yeah. Went out, went out, picked her up.

Someone didn't have a brother growing up.

So I think that was the first mistake. And then we went to a bar. We had two drinks. And then she said she felt sick and went home. Not even went home. I had to drive her home. Right. Did she start holding on to this sick belly while you were struggling to parallel park? Or was it affected by the food? I was like, I know this is bullshit, but I was driving her back to her house. She was like rolling down the window, like burping. I was like, maybe she's either the best actress ever or...

just actually sick. Yeah, that's disgusting. But she acted well. She was rolling down the window for a burp. That is fucking disgusting. Yeah, it was like... Where did you find this girl? Hinge.

Yeah. All right. Where'd you take her to eat at? Well, she had to pick the bar because I didn't know anything. And she picked the place. It was like way too loud for a date spot, too. I couldn't hear anything she was saying. You don't remember the name of the place? No, I don't. I couldn't hear anything. I was just acting like I knew what she was talking about. She'd be like, yeah, my mom has AIDS. I'm like, yeah, this is a good song. And that was usually the majority of our conversation. So she was sick and you...

You were just saying yes and no to things, and you had no idea. Yeah, because I kept asking, like, what did you say? And then after a while, it just got too much. Wow. Yeah. And then I never saw her again. Where'd you come from? Houston. Houston.

Oh, the long, long distance trip from Houston. Yeah, I'm from Dallas, so, you know, just working my way around Texas. I can't wait for you to go to San Antonio. This is great. Hopefully it'll be soon. Anything else for Cole, gentlemen?

I mean, I think that if you're trying to get laid, try not telling people you're middle class. Say that you're rich and keep wearing that sweater. Okay. Great advice. Hans Kim, sly with the ladies. He's had to deal with having that face. So, I mean, imagine.

And don't worry, I'm used to losing dates after I try to parallel park as well. Yeah, stop. Any type of parking is parallel parking for Hans Kim. I am sorry. I am very sorry. Cam, anything else for this fucking gagoots up here?

This fucking, look at this human seahawk that we have up here tonight. So she got sick after y'all started drinking? She said she did. So you roofied the bitch and you forgot or something? What happened? It was too early on. I usually wait for three or four drinks for that, but we're early on two. The whole band just reacted to that.

one of them niggas. He a roofie nigga. Yeah, the band knows the exact drink on which to roofie a lady at. It's hilarious. William, anything else for Cole Castle?

Cole, that thing we were describing about when you couldn't really hear the girl and you were just kind of agreeing with what she said, I'll be honest with you, I thought about that during your whole fucking set tonight. I was kind of hearing things going on, but I don't know. I'm just kind of in a rotten mood right now. So sorry, it's not your fault. Why are you in a rotten mood?

The Kellogg's all brand buds ran out earlier, Tony, and I couldn't even eat any earlier. Oh my goodness. So I'm in a real rotten mood. So sorry to take it out on your fucking ass, but I didn't really hear any of it. It's okay. It's okay. Fiber withdrawals right now. Yeah. Wow. What are you going to do about it?

- I'm like, "Good." - Oh, okay. - All right, there he goes, Cole Castle, everybody. Here's a little joke book, Cole. Can you catch this? You didn't have any brothers. Everybody's waiting, everybody's laughing at you. Millions of people watching. Wow, Cole Castle. There he goes. All right. Okay, I'm pretty sure everybody's bombed so far tonight. This is exciting.

It's one of those nights. I like it like this. How many of you like it when people do good on this show? How many of you like it when people do bad on this show? Great! Well then you must be fucking thrilled! Make some noise for your next comedian, Cheyenne Burens, everybody. Cheyenne Burens. Thank you. I used to suck off a guy in a wheelchair. That's right. I'm ADA accessible.

I didn't do it because I'm super progressive. I just wanted someone who wouldn't walk out on me. But Hot Wheels just wheeled right on through. I don't get why people say God hates abortion. Because if that was the case, then why does the Big Dipper look like a coat hanger?

I guess it doesn't really look like a coat hanger, but it looks like one that was unraveled to scrape out a mistake. You know what I mean? I know. Sorry, Texas. Listen, I'm actually pro-life. I feel bad when I tell that joke. That's why whenever I got knocked up, I just started munching on mushrooms until my sweet baby boy killed himself. He was like, yo, this bitch is fucking crazy. I'm out of here.

Yeah, I don't really know why I give my unborn baby a cholo accent. It doesn't really make sense because every unborn Mexican makes it out alive. Thank you. Hello. Hi, Tony. What do you mean every unborn Mexican makes it out alive? I didn't get it. Mexicans pop out babies. Every unborn...

Mexican. I know that they make a lot of babies. It's a little wordy. But why would an unborn Mexican make it out alive? Because he's Mexican. And Mexicans don't get abortions. Oh, fuck. I never know if it's my high quality weed or not.

Or if everybody else doesn't get it too, Hans, do you get it? Can you explain this to me? I think she's saying every Mexican that isn't to nine months yet gets born. Not that every Mexican that is not born gets born. It's because you're also autistic, so you're on the same wavelength. You should see me parallel park. Yeah.

Still not sure that I get the Mexican reference, but it's all good. Every unborn Mexican makes it out alive. William, do you get it? Right. You're saying they survived the abortion? No, they just survived being in the womb. They survived being in the womb because it's also an abortion joke. Great joke.

Of all the Mexican angles, I don't think... Every Mexican that hasn't been born yet is born. We'll be wet back after these messages. See, that's a Mexican joke. That's a Mexican joke. Clear. On the edge. Dangerous. Will we be able to bleep that, not bleep that on YouTube? We don't know. Anything can happen. We will have to talk to the YouTube people about that.

How about a hand for Sunburn Jenkins getting back to his seat over here? This guy went a long day on the golf course yesterday. He is a cherry tomato. All right, Cheyenne. But you started off with the wheelchair suck-off. That was good. Hell yeah. Is that true? Yeah, it is. Who was the guy in the wheelchair? I did that.

I met him on OkCupid a few years back. Okay. I was, yeah. All right. It was new to town. Yeah. You know. Absolutely. You have to be entry level to hook up with a guy in a wheelchair. That's right. Yeah. Well, at first, all of his pictures didn't show like the bottom half and he was really hot. Like he had really big muscles, like arm muscles because he's just monkeying around everywhere, I guess. That's why. I don't know. Yeah. Monkeying around. He's a hot piece of ass. Yeah, wait a minute.

Was he black? Was he black? No.

No, no. He was like a leather daddy. He had like long hair and like, this was up in Seattle. So he had like that Seattle vibe, you know? Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Why was he in a wheelchair? He had a big dick too, but it didn't work, which fucking sucked ass. Oh yeah, just had a big soft dick? Dude, it was hard, but like he, I guess because he's paralyzed, he could like harm himself. He could what himself? He's like paralyzed from like the waist down. Did he say harp himself? Harm himself. Harm himself. Yeah. Yeah.

He could harm himself if what? If he put it inside me, but he could put it in my mouth and it was fine, I guess. But he couldn't like do the, he couldn't do vaginal. Wow, that's a great excuse. I need to get a wheelchair and be like, hey, look, you can suck my dick, but I could really harm myself. I could be double paralyzed if we fuck.

I don't want to lose use of my arms or anything here. As you can tell, I'm a real muscular leather daddy. And I can only get my dick sucked. It is a real ailment. One of the real catches of being paralyzed from the waist down. I fell for it. Hell yeah. I sucked him off. All the way to completion. No, I don't know if he could come.

I don't remember. This was a while ago. Were you like talking during the blowjob or something? Oh, you know, I was doing it. I don't really want to fuck. You know what? I can't cum. If he can get hard, he could probably cum. I don't remember him cumming. Maybe I suck at blowjobs. Oh, shit. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Unborn Mexicans? Not yet. Not yet. This is newer development. Okay. So, all right. So you meet the guy and then you suck him off. But you didn't suck him off. You just sucked him. You sucked him on.

Off would be to completion, I do believe. Anyway, so how did you find, how long did you go before you realized that there wasn't a finish line here? How long did you suck for before realizing maybe he can't come? Did he say something? We got together a couple times and I felt bad because like, you know, he's in a wheelchair and I didn't want him to think I wasn't interested in him anymore because of the chair, but that's really what it came down to. Like he couldn't,

He couldn't put his dick inside me. And then it was just annoying because, like, I... Anytime we went, like, on a date, I would have to, like, load his chair into the car. How many dates did you... It's fucking, like, too much, dude. Like... It's too much. There's some fucking honesty right there. You see that? When the honesty accidentally seeps through. That's the funny shit. We could all feel that. How many dates did you go on with this guy?

Probably like three to five. And you were always the driver. Yeah, I was the driver. You got car fished. Yes. No, I got cat daddied. Okay, no one knows what that means. No one's talking about it. Very good. So how did this end? How did you break up with him? Things were really ramping up for a while and then you let him down. Okay, so I found, you know, I...

I went over to his place a couple times, and one time I was in the bathroom, there was a bra in the bathroom, and I was like, what the fuck is this? Oh, damn, this guy fucked up. I know. So I was like, what's going on? He's like, oh, that's my live-in partner, but we don't really have a sexual thing. She's like, I don't know, something...

But then I got jealous. I got jealous of the guy in the wheelchair. That's how low I... Right. How low my self-esteem is. Cam Patterson. You let a nigga in a wheelchair walk out to life? Yeah. Okay. He rolled on through. That is amazing. That is unbelievable. William Montgomery, what do you think about this situation? What? I was just... So did you really get an abortion? No.

No, I miscarried. Is your, my favorite abortion song is Brick by Ben Folds 5. Do you like that song? I don't know if I've heard it. Oh my gosh, listen to it after this, bitch. Okay, all right. So you really did miscarry?

Yeah, when I was on mushrooms, yeah. You really did? And it was the mushrooms that did it? I think so, yeah. I was doing a lot of mushrooms at the time. That's a crazy trip to go to the bathroom and have a little fucking shrimp cocktail fall out of you or whatever happens. I'm not exactly sure what it looks like. I'd imagine it's when you first open a ketchup, but it's not... Ketchup juice. You know what I mean? Like a little fucking...

I don't know. I'm just guessing here. It's a comedy show, so I'm allowed to guess. This isn't a science conference. No. It's like Boba, right? Yeah, Boba. It's an aboption. Yeah, it's just a couple of clots. No big deal. We've run out of jokes to make on this show. An aboption. Thank you. Good night, everybody. You almost had a little baby Boba.

A little booba. I did used to work at a boba tea shop. Look at that. This was actually when that happened. Oh my God. That's amazing. 100% of the people that I've known that have worked at boba tea shops have wild miscarriages. There's a very high number in that industry. Tapioca. Miscarriages are very...

Taboo subject. Doesn't get talked about much at all. Doesn't get talked about on the show. There's a lot of abortion jokes. There's a lot of I had a baby jokes, but there's very few people willing to admit that they miscarried. Was that a sad time for you?

Yeah, it was the lowest point in my life. Really? But like it was with the guy, the baby daddy. I met him in a mental hospital. So it was for the best, okay? You were both in the mental hospital at the same time? Yeah, we met. We fell in love. He moved in with me. How long after you met did he get you pregnant? Like three months. Three months.

Which was the same amount of time my parents were together before they got knocked up with me. So when I was high on mushrooms thinking about that and then the baby killed itself, it was kind of bittersweet because I'm like, at least I won't end up like my parents. Right. And it's ironic because they wish that they would have miscarried you. Yes. After they watch this, for sure. So let me ask you this. Were you and the guy that you met at the mental hospital both heavily medicated when you made this baby? Yes.

We got, well... Like lithium and things like that? Because to end up in a mental hospital takes quite a lot. How long were you in for? I was in there for like five days. Not that long. He was in there, I think, for like 10 days. And then I just thought he was so cute and I got his number. He was in there for 10 days. Were we talking about the guy or your baby? Oh.

Five weeks for the baby. Oh, how sweet. So it was early. Do you ever celebrate five weeks? So do you ever celebrate like a negative seven month, three week birthday for the baby? About three weeks. Yeah, I might.

Oh, it was recent. No, it happened in January, but this was like four years ago now. Oh, okay. Yeah, so it was a while. I would have had a four-year-old. I do cry sometimes thinking about having a toddler, but I don't. Yeah, he would be... Oh, he's calling in right now. Wait, he's dialing in. We're hearing him. Here he is. Is that my baby? Oh, here he is. Chris Jr.?

Oh my god, I love you. Oh my god. Wait, wait, hold on. Oh god. Oh no, somebody's beating him. Mama loves you. No, stop hitting my boy. Oh no, this is bad. Can I get an amen? Alright. Oh no, he's with the devil. Oh no, he's in hell. Oh no.

Oh no, he's being flushed down the toilet again. Oh my god. Oh no, he's getting beaten in hell. This is incredible. What the fuck? Okay, alright. We're having too much fun.

Sounds like he's having a good time down there. All right. Cheyenne, you know what? It was a great interview. Very compelling. So you're going to leave here with a big joke book tonight. I mean, it was okay, but talking about it here, I'm going to throw it to you. Can you catch? All right, here we go. Do it for, do it for, he's watching you right now.

We could call her Miss Carrie, everybody. Cheyenne Burns, everyone. All right, your next comedian is on the inside, works here with the Kill Tony production team. Make some noise for Michael Ridley, everybody. Michael Ridley, you know him. He's been on this show before. It's good to be here at the Comedy Mothership. I don't know if you guys know this, it's super hard to get tickets here, right?

Yeah, it's even harder to perform here. I don't know if you guys know this, but you have to provide three liberal scalps to the booker. I, uh... Yeah, I got up in Little Boy. I was like, shit, dude, this one's Trans Lives Matter, this one's Black Lives Matter, and I think this one worked at Barnes & Noble. Ugh. I've got a white wife. All right, thanks for your support of interracial marriage, Texas. I know it's still illegal out this bitch. I, uh...

Me and my wife get a lot of weird reactions when we go out into public. Like, we were walking down the street the other night, and these two upset Trump supporters pointed at us and said, you see that goddamn transgender couple walking down the street? And I get it if they think I'm trans, bro. My mustache looks like I've been on T for three months. Like, I'm just out here rocking this Mexican middle schooler's mustache. I just... Yeah, I look like I'm too poor to afford to identify what I identify as. I look like...

A tranny that ran out of money halfway through. I just, thanks guys. All right, Michael Ridley doing a lot of jokes in 60 seconds. Welcome back, Michael. Hi, Tony. I don't know why I got hella Asian there for a second. Okay. That's my job. Hi, Hans. What kind of Asian are you, Michael? I'm Filipino. Hans, what do you think about this? He's only half Asian, but I respect your good half.

if you know what I mean. Yeah, it kind of sucks being half Asian and half white. Like, I don't have, like, the stereotypical attributes that you'd want from either of those groups. Like, I have white brain and a medium dick. Like, I... No, no, I have... Yeah, I have white brain and a small dick, actually. I fucked that joke up, Tony. Yes, you did. Goddamn. D-badness reacting in horror. Yeah. Yeah.

So, Michael, what's going on? Tell us something in this interview portion that we don't know about. You've been on the show multiple times. Give us something compelling. You watch the show. You're here every single week. Yeah, I'm here every single week helping out, watching people bomb. Sure, but what about your life? We know what goes on on the show, yes. My life? Dude, honestly, moving to Austin has been pretty dope. This has probably been the most I've ever done stand-up in one year. I've done stand-up in one year.

December marks 10 years in comedy for me, but this last year I've been in Austin has been all the growth condensed in one year, dude. I've been on more paid shows than I've ever done. I fucking started a podcast, dude. I fucking sold- Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. Fucking radio, Ridley Radio. I have no idea what I'm doing. We just riff for an hour every week. We do characters and voices. It's pretty chill. I fucking- I opened a merch store, which is a huge fucking mistake at where I'm at in my career. Fuck yeah.

Whose merch are you selling? Mine. Yeah, that is a huge mistake. The first, no, I'm going to tell you right now, the first 50 shirts, right out the fucking window, thanks to the show. Like a lot of people were coming out of the woodwork buying my shirts. It was pretty dope. Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Okay. They sold out in the first week and a half. I sold 50 shirts. Wow. And then people were like, dude, when are you going to restock shirts? When are you going to restock them? So I restocked the fucking shirts, and now I have 300 fucking shirts in my one-bedroom apartment, dude. And they all have my face on them. So I'm just in a room full of fucking shirts with my face on them, and I didn't go through China. I went through a small business in America. Huge mistake. Do not...

Don't buy American, dude. Fuck that shit. Get it drop shipped from China, dude. Make children do it. It's way cheaper. It's a huge fucking mistake, dude. What else, Michael? What's something about... Do you have any special skills or talents other than...

Comedy? I could do like voices, characters. I could sing. I can fucking... What kind of singing can you do? What's a good song? I can just make up a song if you want to make up a song. Can you sing something that we would know or why would you make up a song? I don't know. I could do like a System of a Down song. You can? What song? Yes, I can.

No. That's not system of a down. No, you can't. Tony, can't. You literally can't. Maybe not. Yeah, let's not do that. That sucks. That's like system of a downs or something like that. System of a down syndrome. Yeah, for sure. Oh, my God. I didn't know, dude. I didn't know I was going to get fucking pulled tonight, dude. I've been signing up for like six fucking months. Nobody ever knows if they're going to get pulled. Isn't that crazy how that's the show works that you work for? Yeah, I know. I had no idea I was going to get pulled tonight. Fucking shocking, stunning, almost like they were pulling names out of a bucket. Yeah.

Yeah, it was like 200 motherfuckers every week and I'm like, God damn, of course. And I'm like in a low right now. I'm not doing too good, bro. Why are you in a low? Honestly, bro, I don't know what the fuck happened. I've like lost the fire a little bit, dog. I'm not even going to lie. Oh my God. Like I was fucking working my ass off. Like a year ago, bro, I had so much fire and I don't know what the fuck has happened. You know what? To pick you up a little bit, you know what we're going to do? I'm going to buy a t-shirt from you.

You're down to 349, my friend. Good God, dude, please. Michael Ridley, we're going to keep it moving. There he goes. All right, thanks, guys. With a great System of a Down impression there. System of a Down. It was a summer of system. It's a pastime activity. That was literally the worst System of a Down impression, I mean, humanly possible. A blatant, deep, strong voice. I could sing System of a Down.

I guess the whole band's confused. So much toxicity in our city. All right. Nobody else thought that was crazy? I was like, well, I can sing. Have you heard of System of a Down? Summer of friendship. All right. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. Owen Gallivan, everybody. This is a new name for sure. Owen Gallivan.

Hey everybody. Guys, I think it's funny that we use the word skinny to refer to people that are thin. I think it should be the opposite. I think we should use the word skinny to refer to people that are overweight. Because who has more skin than them? They are covered in it. You guys, they are so skinny. I think it would make them feel better too, you know?

Going to the doctor instead of being called morbidly obese. Doctor could be like, listen, you're dangerously skinny right now. You're actually my skinniest patient. And then I think we could just call thin people something else that made sense, you know? Like hungry. Or annoying. Or, oh, you think you're fucking better than me? I am getting older, you guys. I'm getting older. Something happened to me last week that made me feel really old.

Went on a date with a girl that didn't know what MySpace was. Can you guys believe that? 16 years old, didn't know what MySpace was. Thank you. All right, Owen Gallivan. Welcome to the show, Owen. How are you?

I'm good. How are you doing? Fantastic. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Four years. Four years. Where at? I started in Worcester, Massachusetts. Oh, shit. There you go. That's all you need to know about Worcester right there. Yeah. I'm from Worcester, too. And I've been here like a year and a half. Been here for one year and a half.

What do you do for work? I'm an engineer. Ooh, okay. What kind of engineer? Mechanical by degree, but right now I'm working as an industrial engineer. Okay. Which is like process improvement on a manufacturing floor. Right. Okay. I love that. That is incredible. And what do you like to do for fun, Owen, when you're not doing stand-up? I skateboard and play disc golf a lot. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Daniel Day Dinklage? No. That's a new one. I know. Yeah.

I know.

Who that is? That's not a real person. That's a combination of Daniel Day-Lewis, which is what I think his face and hair kind of reminds me of, and Peter Dinklage. I combined them to make a 3D joke, Daniel Day-Dinklage, because Dinklage is a midget, and he kind of has midget features. He has like... You do got midget features. He does, yes. You do got midget features. He is. It's like a, yeah, Daniel Really Bad Day-Lewis or something like that. All right.

I'm just, I'm a short guy. I don't know what you like. Perhaps your mom ate mushrooms in her second trimester. Yeah.

happened earlier don't worry about it so owen uh what else about you tell us something interesting about your entire life how old are you 30 30 okay yeah you don't look a day over 52 i love it that's what you said last time but uh you were on the show before yeah the first the first one here actually the first one ever at the mother yeah and how did that go well well nice yeah what else did i say in the interview did i make fun of you any other ways that you remember

Yeah, you said I looked like a pedophile and the victim, maybe something like that. Oh, okay. And then you went and grew facial hair after that. No, I had just the mustache, actually, on that one. Just the mustache. That makes sense. So, yes, you did win, and you grew more facial hair because I affected you.

Because everybody laughed and you're like, fuck, it must be true. I was like, damn it, dude, fuck. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I love it. Owen, what's your love life like? Trying my best. Not that great. This weekend, I met a British flight attendant. Thought it was going real well. She saw a show that I hosted. And then when the bar closed, she was like, no. In what way? How did she say no exactly? I was like, do you want to go back to my place? And then she said, no. No.

That's all she said? She didn't give you like an excuse? No, she was like, I'm flying out tomorrow early, da-da-da. But we all know what that means just now. Yeah, absolutely, 100%. She did not want to do anything with you. It's pretty upsetting. It's crazy because there's guys out there with no use of their legs getting sucked off. Yeah.

But meanwhile, you can't close with a British lady that has one night in America. I know. How long were you drinking with her before she completely rejected you? A long time. Show ended at 11, so 11 to 2. Wow. Yeah, tough. Three hours of hard work. I'll never get it back. Was there a part where it was going really well where you're like, man, I think I got her? Can you describe that moment to us? There wasn't a real moment. At one point, she was with her friends, and her friend was dancing with my friend, and

And she was like, ugh, I hate dancing. And I was like, same, let's go talk outside. And then I was like, this will be something. And then it was, we talked for like an hour. You talked outside? Yeah, like in the patio or whatever, like brought our drinks outside. We were at White Horse. And yeah, then we just talked for like an hour. And I was like, all right, this is going well. Wasn't going as well as I thought, obviously. Right, right. Hans, what do you think? I see a big smile on Hans' face. Well, I've been in this situation many times.

Did you ever try leaning in at any time and going for a quick peck? Did not lean in. Pussy. You just got to go for it, dude. So watch how Hans has evolved over the last two and a half years. It's amazing. A true Frankenstein of confidence. Just calling people pussies right to their face now.

Hans used to literally get no action whatsoever. He became a regular on Kill Tony. He was banging chicks in janitor's closets that night.

How do you think your life would change if you were a regular on Kill Tony? Do you think you would be able to close with women then? If I couldn't, I'd be pretty upset. But yeah, hopefully. I don't know. Being a regular would, I'd assume, change. I'm going to have the regulars give you each a piece of advice on how to close with women better. Hans, you go first, and we're going to work our way down.

If you want to close with women, I would say maybe strike up an accent. Your name is Eoghan. It's pronounced Owens. So use that. Maybe go with it in Irish. Hey. Dude, I'm so bad at accents. Can you try one? Can you just try a... Be Spanish. You're a Spanish supermodel. You're a Spanish supermodel. I'm a girl. Here we go. Hi. What's your name?

Ricardo. Ricardo, what do you do for work? I'm a fucking soccer player, dude. That's what Spanish people do, right? I don't fucking know. I'm at a door. Yeah, you're right. No accent for you. Cam, what's your advice to close for Owen Gallivan? You got to look at the bitch of her soul. You know what I'm saying? How you doing, white lady? You good? You want to rock?

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, God. Oh, she's squirting. Oh, my God. This is incredible. Whoa. Amazing. That really works. Yeah. We gonna fuck later. I'm a goddamn... Give me my rock back, though. I like that one. Thank you. That's right. That's right. So there you go.

Got it. Try an accent. Look at a bitch in her soul. Give her a rock, baby. Here is your third piece of closing advice from the great William Montgomery, the only one in a truly stable, healthy relationship. And here he goes. So I would first off start going to grocery stores around the same time of evening. Every evening, you're going to start seeing some of the same people. You're going to start being able to notice what they get, what kind of cereals, what kind of meats, whatever.

A couple months in, you end up being at the meat department at the same time as the chick, and then you just start talking, and then when you are kind of in line with her, you end up in line. You get, I found these pills online that you kind of, you crush up the pill, you blow the powder, so you're going to have to act like you're sneezing at the moment, and then she's going to get this powder in her, and then once she gets the powder in her, you can pretty much, she's like a fucking robot, dude. You can...

Fucking get her ass in the trunk. Whatever you're feeling. I mean, if you're feeling kind of angry or whatever, get their fucking stupid ass in the trunk. If you're feeling nice, maybe get them up in a seatbelt. Go to the grocery store more is all. That sounds like it would work every time. What is it, Black History Month back here? What the hell is going on? John D's eating an actual chicken wing, ladies and gentlemen.

I mean, what in the world is going on? This is absolutely incredible. Is there a tostada for Michael Gonzalez as well? I love it. You know what I'm going to do here? I feel like there's one more person that could give good, simple closing advice. I'm going to check in with D Madness. D, what would you recommend for this guy to learn how to close with a woman? Damn. Let me see.

I have to be honest with you, I don't know exactly what to tell this guy. Even D doesn't think you have a fucking chance. Absolutely incredible. There's nothing we can do for you, Owen. What'd you get last time you were on this show? A little joke book? No, I got no joke books. I did get Secret Show, but I got no... You got nothing at all? No mementos, no.

Here's a little joke book. Congratulations. There he goes. Owen Gallivan, everybody. All right, we're having fun here. We're moving along. We're at a really good pace. A lot of bucketfuls. Make some noise for your next one, Zachary Miller, everybody. Here we go. Right down the barrel. Who knows? Any one of these nights like this is where we found a lot of different people. Here's Zachary Miller, everybody. Without a doubt, the Kill Tony debut. It's Zachary Miller. Clap for Zachary Miller, everybody.

My name's Zach and I had sex for the first time recently, people. Yeah, man. It was with a girl who identified as a he/they. Don't know if that makes me gay or not, I just know that his pussy was amazing. Hands down. It was one of those situations that was too good to be true, you know? I woke up, my ass was hurting and I was like, "Oh my God, that was not a he/..." It was not a he/they. It was one of those my/uncles. Again, this trickster.

Bad luck with, yeah, man, bad luck with ladies, man. The one girl I was seeing for a little bit told me she couldn't go on dates with me because she wasn't over her ex-boyfriend who died. Don't know if you guys have ever been cop-locked by a zombie before, but that stinks. You know, we got in this huge fight over it and out of nowhere she was like, fuck you, Zach, you're selfish and short. And I was like, well, that's insane because no matter where I go in life, I'll always be at least six and a half feet above your ex. And that's my jokes, guys. Thank you.

I love it. Exactly a minute. I love that set. Favorite set of the night so far for me. Zachary Miller, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five months. Five months. Wow. Very good. All of it here in Austin? No, I'm actually from Fort Lauderdale and I'm visiting for the weekend. It's fucking awesome here, dude. It is awesome here. No doubt about it. This is so much fun. We just spent the entire weekend in Florida. We couldn't wait to get back here. Ha ha ha.

It's true. This is fucking the best place. And what else have you done for fun since you've been here? Honestly, just open mics, going to bars, not talking to women, but, you know, looking at them. So it's been going well. You're looking at them. Hell yeah, dude. You're looking at them. Is that your natural? You have that natural jerry curl like that? Cherry? Jerry curl? What's a cherry curl? It's a jerry curl. Oh, okay.

I guess I'd have to explain that if you don't know what a cherry curl is, then you definitely won't know what a jerry curl is. Your hair naturally just fluffs like that? Do you do something to that? I forgot all my hair products on the plane. What type of products do you use? Okay, so... How old are you? I'm 22. Right, okay, perfect, good.

Hair products? Yep. Curl Talk. Very good. My sister uses it. It's actually really good. Curl Talk? Curl Talk. It's a woman's product, but it's so good. Does it curl it more? It curls it more, and it makes it really good. It's so good, dude. It's unbelievable what's going on here. I cannot imagine. It looks like you've used all the Curl Talk in the world tonight. I cannot imagine what your hair would look like with even more Curl Talk. That is incredible. No, don't play Curl Talk.

I knew you were going to do that as soon as he said girl talk. I'm like, I bet Red Band's hands are flying around that iPad right now. Have you heard of Girl Talk? I have not. It's a band from, it's a musician from Cleveland, Ohio that famously used to mash up music. Oh. He doesn't do it anymore because I think a lot of people complain. Copyright. Yeah. It's the ultimate copyright infringement. But we've always been a big fan. Yeah.

So 22, you have one of the most beautiful bird's nests that we've ever seen in our entire lives. So what is your life with the ladies like? I mean, you talked about hooking up with the he-day. What's really going on there? That's true. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't find out until like a while ago because I followed on Instagram after.

And it was literally in her bio, it was like he slash they. I was like, what the fuck? Nothing against it either. I was just like, whoa. What was different about her other than her calling herself a he-they? She was a comic. She was a comic? Yeah, yeah. Down in Fort Lauderdale. In Fort Lauderdale. Yeah, and she was also... And these people are like your age. So you're kind of dealing with this like woke era of...

of people that want a virtue signal, especially since you're in Fort Lauderdale, a place that has a little bit of an average higher income. So it's a bunch of rich kids that have never really seen any absolute fucking, any fucking trouble or drama or real life struggles on the streets. So they're a little bit more virtue signally than even other places. And there you are dealing with it. So when she says he, they, you're literally, you say, oh, that's cool. But in real life, you're literally like,

I don't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck. Yeah, no, dude. But you have to play along because you're 22. Yeah, exactly. I do what I gotta do. But... See, there's still a bit of man in these boys. Yeah, man. I don't give a fuck. It's interesting, this younger generation. It's like when Luke thinks that Darth Vader, there's still a little bit of good left in him. You know what I mean? I keep...

That's what your testosterone is like. All right. So what is the manliest thing about you, Zachary Miller? The manliest thing about me?

Yeah. Shit, man. What do you do that's like a tough guy thing? I scuba dive. Whoa. I swim with sharks, dude. Oh, hell yeah. I go in their habitat. That's pretty manly if you ask me. You also swim with tiny little fishies. Yeah. Okay. Only nurse sharks, though. Scuba dive. What do you do for a living, 22-year-old? I just graduated, and so I was, I work at a law office, but because I was going to go to law school, I was like, fuck that shit. So, yeah. No cap? Yeah. No cap.

Do I sound that retarded up here? I'm sorry, dude. That's okay. You don't sound... You look retarded, but you don't sound retarded. What did you graduate with a degree in? Criminology and anthropology. Criminology...

An anthropology. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. So criminals and fucking rocks. No, that's geology. Oh, yeah. Come on, man. Oh, shit. Who's the retard now, everybody? System of a down. Oh, shit. So, Zachary, what does a 22-year-old like you in Fort Lauderdale do for fun?

Open mics and that's it. It's not fun around there. Other than that, there's got to be something else. A little guilty pleasure. You do some laser tag with the homies or something like that.

I don't know. I've been trying to look because I just moved back home, so I'm still trying to figure all that out. I hear a little bit of like there's a little bit of a twang in your accent that I don't recognize. A twang? It's Fort Lauderdale-ian. Do you have like African-American friends or something like that? Yeah. Yeah, you do? Broward. Broward. Yeah. Right. Right.

That's... But that's not where Fort Lauderdale is, is it? No, it is. It is? Yeah. Okay. But I'm also from like the whitest neighborhood in Broward. We know. That's why I'm asking you why you sound like that. Because I'm cool. Can you... Right off the top of your head, as fast as you can, name your top five black friends' names. Go. Uh, Springer. Kevin. Kevin sounds white. Let's try again. Fuck.

We've only got Springer so far. Five. We're looking for five black friends. Cam. No, no, you're not allowed to use Cam. No, you just met him. You've been up here for seven minutes. You cannot count Cam. Hold on. You're at one. We have Stranger. Take note that he sounds black but cannot name five black friends, everybody. We're at one. Big Pedro.

Big Pedro is my boy. Big Pedro? I don't know his first name. He's not black. Puerto Rican, nigga. Pedro is Puerto Rican. Oh, he might be. No shit. You're still at one. Take note that I fucking nailed this, everybody. Take note. I fucking knew it.

One. You're at one. You have Springer so far. He's not even my friend anymore, to be honest. We're at zero. We are at zero. Keep playing the fucking music. Keep going. I'm not giving up on you. Give me a minute. I know. Shit, dude. You're going for your black friends, everybody. You know, anthropology, criminology.

Zero. We are holding strong at zero. No, I just can't think right now. Hold on, hold on. Springer is gone. Cam is my friend. Yeah, bro, I got no black friends, dude. I guess, dude. I fuck. I just can't think right now. I got black friends. Trust me. I fucking knew it. Oh, I knew it.

Because that's a thing. When white people sound black and they're not really, like, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really from black culture, it's one of the most annoying things for people that were born and raised in all black neighborhoods. Do I sound black? I talk like this. Anyway. Why aren't you and Springer friends anymore? That nigga was made up. Springer? Springer? He's not a real fucking person. Well, they're good at sprinting. Springer? Springer?

He just put Sprint and Nigga together. He was like, "That's a name. That's a name." Yeah. Sprint and Nigga. Yeah. Hell yeah. That's a name. I got that. I love that Big Pedro entered the chat on this one. Literally, we're all like, "What the fuck?" Immediately, it took three guesses to go all the way to Puerto Rico. Hey, yo, I be sounding black up here with my geology. Shit.

Don't you hate it when white people sound black? Yeah, I wouldn't even imagine being a comedian and talking in a black voice ever. No, Tony, I swear to God, I was on fucking YouTube the other day, and I just typed in my name, and I see some fucking video that says, William Montgomery doing black voice number six. And I have a fucking weird, so whoever's doing that, you better stop!

Holy shit! Can you give us an example of like what one of the things said? I looked at it for a second and I clicked off. I was horrified. I was like, hold on, is this a bad, what's going on here? I couldn't even. Oh yeah, there is a compilation. A bunch of them. Oh my God, and they put them in blackface. Yes, and I'm in blackface. Oh my God. So I was very excited to hear about that. Oh my God, and these compilations are so long.

Holy shit. Eleven and a half minutes. Number two is... Lights out. Montgomery. Oh, shit. Oh, it's not edited very tight at all. Wow. Okay. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. We're going to get flagged by YouTube for playing our whole YouTube video on our YouTube show. He's going to flag us. Disguise. Okay. Have you thought of any black friends since the last time we checked in with you? Yeah.

I'm just so nervous. What's the most bonding moment you've ever had with a black person? I made a really good, like, play in basketball. Hey, it's a finish! You don't ever see any black people when you're down there scuba diving? You don't see them at the bottom of the ocean floor? The bottom? Oh my god. Oh my god, is that Springer?

Zach, you had a great set. You are very promising at 22 years old. My recommendation would be to get the fuck out of Fort Lauderdale. Here's a big joke book. You don't need to shake hands. Cam, stop shaking everybody's hand. Zachary Miller, everybody. These people's mediocrity is going to rub off on you, and we don't need that. We still having fun out there, huh? Yeah!

Here's another bucket full. It's a one word name. Those are usually the most fun or insane. Let's see what happens. Make some noise for Milky, everybody. Milky. Here comes Milky. Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely. Do you have a moment to talk about the Lord? Good, because I don't either.

I have been called Milky over 20 years, longer than my government name. People use my government name and kind of throws me off. I used to be called things like Fat Boy, Chubbs, Pillsbury Door Boy. That's all behind me now because of diabetes.

Used to be fat, ridiculously fat for my age. So I would always pray and ask whoever. I don't care how, just make me skinny, just make me skinny. And then diabetes, just like needful things. I got what I wanted for the price of a tiny major organ. The world's pretty crazy right now, if you haven't noticed.

Just be respectful to each other, love one another, but don't be afraid to quote Ezekiel 2517 if somebody's giving you a hard time. I'm Milky. Thank you. Alright, Milky. Fuck yeah. How's it going, my friend? Alright.

- How are ya? - I'm doing all right. - You've been on this show before, correct? - Yes sir, yes sir, I look a little different now. - Absolutely, what happened? - Becoming a cowboy, more or less, step by step. - Yeah, I guess so, step by step. - Yeah, the shirt fits a little better this time, no tie, got the hat, got the poncho. - Got a poncho, right. - Next is boots. - Well, there you go. Your setups were good, your punchlines were bad, and your look is ugly, so it all makes sense.

You have a... You have a... All right. Milky, what do you do for a living? I run the BYOB bar. You run a BYOB bar. Yeah, so let's leave with that this time. We don't have a liquor license. It's a game room. It's up in Wells Branch. Okay, how far away is Wells Branch? How long do you have to ride your horse up there? It'll take about 18 minutes and a two second. What the fuck?

Shit's wild. All right, let's play a little game. Name all of your black friends. Here we go. One, two, three, four. Here we go. Play the fucking music. Kevin, Jamal, James. Shit. Shit. Stuck at four here, folks. Damn, there's another James, but that doesn't count. I'm going to go with Zeus. Nope, we're sorry. That doesn't count. Hit the...

There it goes. All right, guys, that's it. When you hear Jesus, you know it's over, everyone. This is becoming quickly one of my favorite games to play with extremely white people. It's funny how they can't make it to five black names without being like, Big Pedro, Jesus, Pablo. Kevin. The last thing they just look at me and say, I see Cam, fuck it. Yeah, they keep trying Cam. They're like, uh. All right.

So, Milky, you've been on this show before. Remind us of some of the highlights of your interviews real quick, as fast as you can. What have we found out about you that was interesting? Same talent. I have a baby mama in North Carolina. Don't get to see my kid like the chameleon I had. When's the last time you saw your kid? Last year, February when I left. And how did that go? It was kind of weird. Why?

She didn't expect me to show up at her house. Oh, okay. So you broke a restraining order violation. Because I can't get no contact, so I just showed up to tell her that I'm leaving to go pursue this. Oh, boy. Gave her all my information, and then the next day I left. Was the mom cool with you showing up at the house? Oh, she wasn't even there. Yeah, her mother was watching the kids. So you pulled the old Michael Myers thing or something like that. You just kind of appeared down a hallway. Yeah.

Hello, daughter. She does kind of look like me, though. All right, Milky. How old are you? I'm 40. How long have you been attempting... Wait, you're 40? Yeah. Wow. You're six months older than me. I know, right? Holy shit. I think we'd be good friends, but... Jesus Christ, man. Baby steps, baby steps. I'm going to fucking blow my goddamn brains out. Jesus Christ almighty. No, no. Put it away. Put it away. Um...

Okay, what do you guys think about Milky? We're going to get him out of here quickly here. Milky, your diabetes line, even though it got zero laughter, I think was my line of the night thus far because the first part had nothing really to do with it. It was so confusing to me. It made me laugh really hard. So congratulations, Milky. It was so fucking confusing. I did stutter over it. You might want to rewrite that. We want to see type two of that type of joke. I messed it up.

Cam Patterson, what'd you think about Milky? You left your kid to do comedy? Well, yeah. Well, no. I was getting in contact anyway, so it's no different. Okay, your kid's fucked, dog. It's over, bro. Nah, she's alright. She'll be alright without me. You don't need to be mean. Yeah, good job. Hans Kim. I feel like you like snakes.

Oh, I did originally, yeah. When you say originally, what happened to where you stopped liking snakes? My mother wouldn't let me get one, so... Who wouldn't let you get one? My mother. Your mother? Yeah, she said no snakes, so... Was this last week? Yeah. All right, Milky, you have a small joke book? I got one last time, yeah. Okay, there he goes, Milky, everybody. We're flying through it, I promise. We're getting there. This is indeed...

We are on pace for the most bucket pools of the year that we've had on this show. Make some noise for your next comedian, Chase Tucker, everyone. Chase Tucker. Okay, here we go. Chase Tucker. What the fuck is up, Austin? How y'all doing? Thank you. Fuck, this is a crazy experience. How are y'all doing over here? Cons? Shit. Last time I was in Austin, Texas, I fucking met Shaquille O'Neal.

That shit was crazy. He shook my hand about putting my fucking arm off. Earlier today, somebody tried to suck my fucking wiener in the bathroom of a bar. It was kind of a surreal experience. Cam, I got a rock special for you. Nothing gay, though. Nothing gay, no. But, uh...

Shit, I can't see. But the only reason why I'm wearing this hat is because a fucking lady told me I was wearing... A lady told me my fucking chicken was little, so this is a chicken little hat, so that's just how it is. I don't even...

Fuck yeah, dude. Absolutely. I'm going to cut you off right there. I'm going to step in. That's all I'm up here for. I'm going to stop the bear from jumping in. I'm going to stop this slow, slow verbal suicide that you're doing.

This is absolutely incredible. Welcome to the show, Chase. Have you ever tried stand-up comedy before? This is my first time. This is your first time. Where are you from, Chase? I'm from Kansas. Kansas. You kind of sound a little urban. Let's play a little game. Name your top five black friends. Right into the tip of that microphone, and here we go. I got Trayvon. I got Deontre. I got, like, Twin. I got... One more time. Uh...

- That's about it. - No, you gotta keep going. Keep trying. - Isaiah and Isaiah. - Isaiah and Isaiah? Okay, yeah, we lost you there at the end for sure. - They mixed, they mixed. - Trayvon and Twin, ay, those some niggas. - Those really are. - Trayvon and Twin, ay, those some niggas. - That's exactly what I was thinking. You and I are on the exact same page. Twin is a real one for sure.

That is incredible. Twin kill people, dog. No doubt. That was actually the next thing I was going to go for. How do you know Twin exactly, and what does he do for a living? I met him at the bar, and I'm just going to keep it at him. Goddamn right. See that? Yeah, yeah. We are on the same page here. Absolutely. So, Chase, what do you do for work? I'm a bartender. Bartender in Kansas City? No, just Kansas. Or, I guess, Oklahoma. Okay.

All right. A few quick state changes there. Someone's definitely on parole right now. Okay, so you're a bartender. Very, very interesting. How long you been doing that for? Six months. Okay. You seem like you wouldn't be good at it. Can you give me the ingredients of an old-fashioned? Like sugar, some bourbon or something like that.

Nope. Oh, what the fuck? Nope, no sugar. No, it's a salt. No sugar. Sugar would be another one of your black friends, though. Okay. So, how about a vodka soda? Can you tell us how to make a vodka soda? Like vodka and club soda? There you go. All right, there. It was a trick question, but you handled it very well. You looked at me like I was stupid.

Meanwhile, you were telling us that you met Shaq and you almost got sucked off in a bathroom earlier and that was the extent of your 60 seconds. Can you describe the suck off in the bathroom thing better? Who tried to suck your dick? Shit. I couldn't give you all the details on that one. You just made it up? No, it happened. Who were you protecting? Was it Twin? Yeah.

- Nah, nah, twin would never do shit like that. - Twin would never do that. - Some 40 year old dude did it. - Some 40 year old dude? - Yeah, at a bar. I don't know where the bar was, but I don't remember what the name of it was. - You don't know where the bar was. You don't know where you were when this happened. What do you do for drugs? - Weed, pretty much it. - You ever suffer any brain trauma when you were younger? - Probably a lot, yeah. - Yeah, probably a lot. You had brothers growing up. - One, yeah. - Yeah, and he's an older brother? - Younger. - Younger, but you guys would wrestle around a lot?

You guys had a trampoline growing up? No, no trampoline. Swimming pool? Above ground swimming pool? Yeah, you got me on that one. Above ground swimming pool. No doubt about it. Okay. What's your love life like, Chase? Pretty sad, to be honest. Yeah. How often do you wear that stupid fucking hat? I only wear it for this occasion. Right. What did you think? That that was going to work or something? I was fried out of my mind. I said, fuck it. Fried out of your mind on marijuana? Yeah.

Yes, sir. Right. Okay. All right. You have mesh shorts. We can clearly see your penis. It's incredible. Absolutely amazing. You can see your chicken little and your eggs. You know what I mean? For sure. For sure.

All right, Chase. Well, we're going to keep flying through it here tonight. It was nice to meet you, buddy. Thank you. There you go. Congratulations. Here's a little joke book. Chase Tucker. Appreciate it. There he goes, everybody. Chase Tucker, stop shaking people's hands. Stop shaking their hands, guys. Ignore them. For the love of God.

Cam? Cam? You'll have to stop, you're getting us in trouble. You'll have to fucking stop. Oh my god! Please, please! Alright, let's see if this is a real human being. Joe Smith, everybody, Joe Smith. Okay, here he is, Joe Smith. Watching pregnant porn isn't illegal.

but it sure starts to feel like it's illegal when all you watch is pregnant porn. I think I identify as asexual when I'm not horny. I've been waiting ever since Gwyneth Paltrow dropped her cunt candle. I've been waiting for Taylor Swift to drop a candle that smells like the space between her pussy and asshole. It seems like something the uppity bitch would do.

Thank you. Ever since I got off my bipolar medication... That's not the joke. Ever since I got off my bipolar medication, I have a really strong opinion about what's happening in Gaza. If you're Jewish, you won't like that opinion. There we go. Okay, what's the opinion? Okay.

Uh, I don't know. Similar to Kanye West. His opinion. -Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-Karn-

Can you tell us what you don't like about the Jews? No, I love Jews. I love Jews. I feel like it's a side effect of the medication that I'm on. What is the side effect? What do you feel about them? I mean, I love bagels. That is pro-Semitism right there. Yeah. It adds up. But I feel like they need more than the bagels. Right now. Right now, I feel like they need more. You think they need to have more... More locks. More locks.

More locks on the bagel. I think it would help them out. They're being Jewish with the locks is what you're saying. Yeah. Right. Very good. Very good. Look at this. Right now, I feel like I can get traded to Hamas. Okay. Yeah. All right. What would you do for them? Dance. Can you give us an example of the dance you would do? One, two, three, four. Here we go.

All right. Okay, I'm going to stop you there. I feel like it was too Jewy of a dance for Hamas. Right, yeah, for sure. They would shoot you immediately. Yeah, that would get me killed. They would shoot you with one of their little rock guns or whatever they have. Yes. They don't have much. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay, so you were just on the show recently. I was just on here, yeah. Unforgettable charisma. Thank you.

Some people call it autism. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Uh,

How has your life changed since you were on Kill Tony? Haven't had to use the Narcan yet, so that's good. That's good. When's the last time they had to use Narcan on you? No, not yet, but it's coming. How do you know it's coming? You've been doing a lot of street blow? No, I feel like last time I overselled the amount I do cocaine. It's just like special occasions, like funerals, Little League games. Just like stuff like that. Just like stuff I need it. How long have you been doing stand-up?

I've been doing it three years. And what do you do for a living? I'm a bartender. That's right. Another bartender. Yeah. In Kansas or Oklahoma? Texas. Hell yeah. Austin, Texas. That's where you live. Yeah, I live in Waco. That's right. I remember this. Yeah, where the church burned down at. Yeah. Was there anything else that you feel like you should have or could have shared in that last interview that we would have found interesting? Don't vaccinate your kids because they'll turn out like me.

That's my message. You got vaccinated as a kid? My mom did it to me. I didn't choose. Right. Exactly. Yeah, I feel like that's... You were a baby at the time. Yeah, and this is the result of that. Did you get the COVID vaccine as well? I did. I think it just made it worse. Yeah. It did, yeah. I'm also aware of the situation. Yeah, absolutely. 100%. Guys, what do you think about Joe Smith? Is that your...

Oh, no, I wasn't asking you guys. No, I was asking the esteemed panel of regulars that we have here that have to write and perform a new minute every week. I believe this was Joe's second time on the show. Second time, yes. You guys have done hundreds of sets on this show. What do you think about Joe Smith? I like this nigga, man. I like him. I like, yeah. He's just honest. He's fucking weird, but he honest. Yeah, I really enjoy the honesty. That's all I need is a black guy.

That's it. You like black guys, do you? I just seek their approval. All right. You have a lot of black friends? None. That's why I seek their approval. Can I dab them up? None? Yeah. Come on, nigga. Yeah! There it is! There it is! Fuck yeah! Oh, shit. One of the weirdest handshakes I've ever seen in my life. Joe got so excited, his hand hit the table on the Letco there. That's better than Disneyland. They should get that out of the Super Bowl.

Just shake Cam's hand. That'd be cool. I like this nigga, man. Hans, what do you think about Joe Smith, fellow autistic comedian? I feel like he's the kind of white guy my parents warned me about. He got so close. Fair. He's a very honest guy. I love him. He's like a comedy machine. He just can't stop and won't stop. Unless you have Narcan.

William lights out Montgomery. Thoughts on Joe Smith? I loved it, Joe, but only one fucking person can use a note card on stage, you piece of shit. Only I can fucking do that. It appears to be a trademark of William Montgomery. The last time you were on the show, did you get a small joke book? I got a big one. Very good. Well, then there you go. Keep using it. We'll see you again soon. All right, you got it. Thank you. There you go. It's Joe Smith, everybody. All right. We're getting to it now.

It's been a long episode. This has to be the last bucket pool of the night, so let's see what happens here. Make some noise for your final 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Joseph Filey, everybody. Joseph Filey. Oh, shit. All right. Austin, how we doing? I was recently talking about losing my virginity, and now that I'm 28, it doesn't sound as cool when I tell my friends she was 5'5 and 225. They're finally sober enough to do the math on it that I was banging fat bitches in high school.

And then the other problem was that she had a Bible verse tattoos, and I don't have any tattoos, so I don't really want to judge them. But the last thing I want to read on your back when I stick it in your ass is do to others as they do to you, Jeremiah 29, 12. Like, it could be way better. Like, how about seeds shall be planted in soil and not sand? Joseph 26, 1. You know what I mean? Like, picture getting a hand job and you read on a wrist. It's like, share the fruits of your labor which your hands have created. No, I'm good on that one. How about swallow your pride when in doubt, honey? I don't know who said that one, but that's the one I'm saying tonight.

Like, I think back and I look at it and I saw the tattoo and I had a lot of bad ideas for tattoos. Like, I almost got a rose on my hand. I don't know if we have anyone here with that. Like, that was real big when I was in high school. And I was like, looking back, that was probably the worst one I ever seen because I'd never gone soft. Like, the first time I ever tried anal, I went soft because I read, do the others as they do to you. And I thought about me sticking my dick in my ass. All right, that's my time. Thank y'all.

Do unto others as they would do to you. Why would you stick your own dick in your ass if it was do unto others what they do to you? Well, I was thinking in a Tony Hinchcliffe mindset and I was about to stick something in someone's ass and I was like, if Tony was here thinking about this, he'd want a dick in his ass too. Well, that, I can see why you would say that.

Here's your obligatory Tony Hinchcliffe gay joke applause. Very good. That was the first one. Yeah. The whole episode. Amazing. Absolutely. From one Ohioan to another, I love you. Ohioan? Yes, sir. What part of Ohio? Youngstown. You're from Youngstown? Yeah. Old Hillbillies and Hale and Opioids, Ohio. We're proud. Sure. What part of Youngstown are you from? The east side. Florida Ave.

Yes, sir. Okay. And you're just visiting? No, I moved down here. How long ago? Two months ago. Two months ago. Two months living in the Budget Inn, signing up every Monday, hanging out with a whole bunch of okay comedians, and I made it. I'm here. I love it. Budget Inn. So how much are you paying? Oh, I finally got an apartment. I'm no longer homeless, I guess you would say. Okay. Yep. How many roommates do you have? Just me. Okay.

You got your own apartment. Yeah, I have a girlfriend, but I mean, she's pretty, she, she, I, the rent's included with my hand, you know what I mean? The rent is included with your hand, and I don't know what you mean. Yes, if I had a roommate, this is my girlfriend right here. Oh, very good, yes. Do unto others, very good. Okay, so, um,

How long did you spend living in the budget inn? About a month and a half before I found the apartment. And how much? All my money. Every last dollar I had. How much was that? It was probably like $900 a week because the F1 shit started. So they were charging like crazy money for every hotel around here. But I wanted to be right in Austin so I could be by the mothership in here.

Right, okay. That seems to be working out for you, slowly but surely. I think you talk a little fast. Has anyone told you that? Well, yeah, that's the Sixth Street cocaine. I'm sorry. Did you do Sixth Street cocaine? Half of it was. The other half burned a little funny, so I don't think that was cocaine, but... Listen, D.A.R.E. said the drug tests were important, all right? I'm fucking testing drugs down here. Are you? Yeah.

Off and on. I still have a job. Like, I work 50 hours a week. What do you do for work? Amazon. You're a delivery driver? No, fuck no. Bro, I got a limp and I'm fat. I work on a computer. Okay. All right. I didn't know that that was one of the Amazon jobs. Well, someone has to guide all them retards to get you your fleshlights and whatever else is sponsoring us. You're in charge of guiding the retards? Yes. Yes.

I'm part of them. What do you mean? Who else is going to guide them? I speak their language. You know how to speak the language. Now, you're from Youngstown. We've been doing a thing tonight. Youngstown, including the east side, has a very high black population. Can you name, by their first names only, five black friends of yours? Go. Go.

Let's see. Jamal. This is where you play the song that we've been playing all night, but okay. Jamisha. Ooh. Shaniqua. Oh, I think he's making up names now. I'm not making this shit up. There's one more. Travion. Ooh. Travion. Travion's a real one. That's a real one. That's right. Shout out to Travion. He's my nephew. That's the only real name I have. How do you have a black nephew? Well, yeah, that's why I can make that joke and I feel comfortable standing here.

What? It's like, you know when people are like, oh, I have a black friend. I can make that joke. Well, I'm related. Like, I have a black nephew. I can bring him to the mall with me. And I feel cool about buying Jordans when they don't fit me. But how do you have a black nephew? You have a sister that mated with a black man? I'm pretty sure that's how it happened. I didn't ask her. I can't get any straight answers out of this guy. I didn't ask her. I didn't ask her for the details. Like, I never went on... I was never on Pornhub and it was like, your stepsys got plowed by a black guy. Like, I never saw it.

I like your style.

Joseph, finally. Okay, what else do you like to do? What else are you into, Joseph? I just want to do comedy, man. I do Amazon. I do mics. That's it. Right. How many mics a week do you think you do? Here, none, honestly. Because Christmas is coming, so I've been working 60 hours a week, so the only two days I take off is Sundays and Mondays, so I can hit the open mic here or hit you. Right. Well, you hit me today, and it happened. This is your first time on the show. Yes, sir. How do you think it went? How do you feel? I'll fucking take it, to be honest.

For a couple lines in and a couple tequila shots, I think I did all right. I'll take it. Yeah. So you really did cocaine today? I mean, I'll go take a drug test tomorrow. I don't think it was all cocaine. There's definitely some cut in there. How long have you been doing hard drugs for? You don't appear to be the guy that would be doing a lot of drugs. You're wearing a shirt that says, science, it works, bitches. How do you think we make meth and LSD with science?

You think LSD came from a cave? That shit didn't come from a cave. It came from scientists and the CIA. But you look like a scientist that came from a cave. All right. I don't know. You know what, though? Since you're from Youngstown and I think you're very, very promising, I think you need to slow down how fast you talk no matter what hard drugs you do so that people can understand you better. But there's a big joke book. Joe Smith. There he goes. Thank you.

All right. Now, I know I said it was a bucket bonanza, and I know I said no golden ticket winners, no regulars, and I'm going to hold true to that, but we do have one special treat for you all. To end tonight's episode, this man is neither a regular nor a golden ticket holder. He, in fact, is something entirely different. He is a phenomenon, perhaps one of the most polarizing figures in the world.

not only in the history of Kill Tony, but definitely in the Austin comedy scene. I mean, an absolute fucking wrecking ball

absolutely loved by so many. He really grows on you after a while. You have to kind of see him and know him, but I think you guys are going to absolutely love him. He's been on this show before. I'm allowing him to do whatever he really wants tonight. We're just going to let him rock it up here because this is indeed the one and only Austin's own Casey Rockett. ... ...

I really can't stay. Hell yeah. Get lost. Real trap shit. Come on now. Get out of here. I gotta get out of here. At midnight, I turn back into Kirsten Dunst, so I just gotta keep moving. Peter, please! Get real. Big Uncle Ben crowd. Get out of here. Come on now. I'm just popping it. I got nothing to lose. I got a lot.

Hell yeah. No, I gotta get out of here. My buddy found some original Oxycontin in his attic last night, so we're gonna get faded and watch Yao Ming highlights later. Should be badass. He moved good for a big man, don't he? Folks, a lot of people talk about being California sober. Me? I'm Biloxi, Mississippi sober. Uh...

That's where I do a bunch of whippets and lose my son on a riverboat gambling trip. How much will you credit me for the boy? It's okay, go with the nice man. Get real. I gotta get out of here. I promised my buddy I would do jihad later, so I gotta get going. Get out of here. We're having fun. Youngest guy around. Nothing to lose from this.

Just being brave. Oh, sorry about that. Red peppers, all right, we're doing good. Hell yeah. Never meet your heroes, folks. We all know the Lorax speaks for the trees. But in 2007, I saw him say the N-word. Okay. I just got to keep moving. Biden's trying to drone strike me right now. I can feel it. Good luck. Yeah, for real.

Yeah, I hate Ambien. I'm glad you brought that up. Last time I took Ambien, I accidentally donated my car to 1877 Cars for Kids. Fucked up part is, I live in my car. Now I gotta live with all these little kids. Breathe in. We're having fun. Folks, there's no easy way to tell a child their parents are dead.

There's no easy way to tell a child their parents are dead. There is a really, really fucking scary way to do it. Get over here, goofball. Your dad fell on the grill at Benihana's last night.

Thought he was gonna pull through, then they brought out the onion volcano. He's fucking dead. Hell yeah. I lost my hat. Get real. Let me show you something. I'll get out of here. This is a picture of me if I was really, really strong. So it's kind of cool. All right. Thank you. I'm Casey Rockett. Thank you so much. Boom. This is Casey Rockett. A whole different thing.

A whole different anomaly, if you will. A phenomenon. An absolute rocket ship flying through space. Thank you. There are so many things we could call him, and here he is. The one and only Casey Rocket, a man who I famously have always just let him do whatever he wants. The only one to have that real...

limitless time length or whatever bestowed upon you. And how about one more time for Casey Rockett? Thank you. So Casey, seems like you're doing a lot of work here in Austin, Texas. You're getting a lot of... Oh, there he goes, everybody. Where'd my hat go? Oh, you found my hat.

Sorry, I'm not trying to do a bet. I get really scared. All right. Hello. It's okay. You can do whatever you want. What happened? Nothing. Hey. How's it going? So good today. Hi. It's going great. Hanging out, being bad. Mommy's a little stinker. Being a brat and yeah, just keeping it cool. Spazzing out on some old school shit and just keeping it nasty with my boys tonight.

Absolutely hysterical. He is a fucking... He leaves an imprint on every show that he does here at the Comedy Mothership. I go up usually, obviously, kind of obviously towards the back end of these lineups on some workout nights in the little room here. And...

I'll always know if Casey Rockett has hit the stage that night. There'll be little pictures of Grimace or him or random people doing random things. There'll be Parmesan cheese packets or red pepper packets. Sometimes there's a harmonica sitting on a ledge. There's a lot of trademarks of the great... Oh, there we go. See what I mean?

There are many trademarks of the man, the myth, and the legend. And this guy fucking shakes rooms. We all have different sense of humors. It's such an interesting thing. And you seem to turn the people that love silly shit and the people that like smart shit both...

as fans, you're able to win them both over. - Thank you so much, Tony. That's a big honor. It's so good to be here tonight. To riff for all my friends and keep it nasty and bust it wide open for all my crew. I think Santa's gonna be pretty happy with that one. That was really badass.

No doubt about it. Guys, William, you actually take Casey Rockett on the road with you and he features for you. I believe you guys just did seven shows in Chicago. We did. Yeah, no, Casey's wonderful. Casey honestly is, in my opinion, he's without a doubt the funniest person I've met while in Austin. I absolutely love Casey. There were...

There's always a couple of times, but I remember in San Diego, I was back in the fucking green room, probably way too high, about to go on, and I'm hearing Casey just destroy out there, and I'm thinking, how the fuck am I going to follow this guy? Yeah.

And I wasn't able to. It turned into a disaster. I left the stage really early. Everybody's like, hold on, we paid money for this shit. I was on stage like five minutes. But wonderful job, Casey. It's wonderful to always see you. Yeah, we were in Chicago. Did you talk about it on the podcast? What happened? I just said the thing about how we had to pay the $1,500 for the freezer experience. That was one of the darker moments of my life. There's two you can...

You can pay, there's two different tiers. So $1,500 to be in the freezer and then $500 to be outside the freezer just listening. And that was kind of cooler. I was on the outside of it. I was going, are you okay? And he said, I am so cold. Yeah, I was freezing. I'm so cold, get me out. And I said, it's not like you've got to wait the whole time or we don't get a refund. And you were cool about that, which was nice. Yeah. Yeah.

Cam Patterson, you know Casey Rockett very, very well. You just retired from being a door guy here, but you guys worked together as door guys here at the Mothership. Them my niggas, man, we locked in, man. You know what I'm saying? I love Casey. We're locked in for sure. Yeah.

Of all the people who are locked in, probably it's us. Yeah, definitely. You know about that package, right? That one package? The one package. Oh, that. Yeah. We got this one package and we keep it pretty cool. We keep it pretty tight. It's a gun? No, we just got a package around the mother's seat. We got a package. We got a package around here. A unit. A unit. Are you close with a lot of black people? Yeah.

A lot, yeah, hundreds. We've been doing a thing tonight. Your hundreds is a perfect answer. We've been doing a thing tonight where we asked some comedians to name five black friends using, I guess, only their first names if you want, or you can do it any way you want. Five of my black friends? Five of your black friends. Ready, set, go. That should be pretty easy. James, Big John, James.

James Jr. It was a father and a son, James and James Jr. Big J. That's Big J. Oakerson. That's not a black guy. Take it down. Me and Big J, as you know, are notoriously really tight. Audrey Hepburn? Nope, missed again. God. Ra's al Ghul? That's a Batman guy. Okay.

I'm always one riff away from Ra's al Ghul. I find that a lot. Ocho Cinco. Yeah. And Donovan McNabb. Donovan McNabb. Very good.

Absolutely. Those are indeed a checks out. We just got word in. Those are your black friends. Thank you. Kim, you know, Casey rocket very, very well. Yes. Any, any take on anything you want to say about the great and powerful Austin zone, Casey rocket. I mean, this is one of these guys. I don't think you guys even understand like other than like the old, old, oldest guard in New York and LA, I would put this guy out there to bury about anybody.

on the coast right now. I mean, really, I don't think it gets much funnier. And that's all a different set than what he did the four or five minutes you performed last time. I mean, you're doing it all the time. I watch you. There are things that you do. Like, what's the... Sometimes you keep a key in your mouth and pull it out. The Dutchman's Key? Yeah. Yeah, I've been known to do the Dutchman's Key from time to time. He'll hide a key deep into his cheek and do, like, you know, five or ten minutes of an act, and then all of a sudden just...

And he pulls out a fucking key. And that makes me run around like a black person laughing. I don't laugh like a white person when I see that at all. Run around like Donovan McNabb. Yes. One of my close friends. Scrambling quarterback. It's funny. When Mothership opened, maybe the first couple weeks, I did one of your David Lucas and Friends. And I went up pretty late in the show, and I did the Dutchman's Key. And it was completely...

almost completely silent and I heard you. It's not a good bit, but the Dutchman's Key, it's kind of like, so you give them a riff and then you keep a riff for yourself. And that was a tasty little riff just for me. And it was totally silent. I barf out the key. I'm comfortable saying this because I don't do the Dutchman's Key too often. It's sort of a special occasion thing. I hit him with the Dutchman's Key. Crowd goes, holy shit, we don't like that. Um...

Holy shit, actually, I kind of hate that. And Tony's like, like way off in the distance. I love it. There's something about somebody secretly keeping a key in their mouth for an inordinate amount of time and then pretending like they're choking it up from the inside that really cracks me up. Hans Kim, ready to say something. You think that's impressive? You should see what Tony hides in his booty hole. Whoa.

There you go. Hans, why'd you fucking do that, dude? You gotta get us a job, Paul! Little fucking hacky Chan over here. I love it. Casey, you're an absolute fucking sensation and an unbelievable representative of silly fucking comedy. I really think, I mean, it's like if Robin Williams smoked crack with a fucking...

I don't even know what. You're just something entirely different than everything, and I love it. Casey Rockett, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, guys. So fun. The drawing is in from Ryan J. Ebelt. It's unbelievable. Check it out at ryanjebelt.com. William, promote something. Plug something for the love of God. William Montgomery, everybody.

The William Montgomery Show on YouTube. I do it with Casey. Also, my cameo as always, please. Check him out on Cameo. The new spokesman for Dude Wipes, William Montgomery. How about a hand for Cam Patterson? Cam, plug something.

We got Cam and the Whites coming out real soon. That's it. Cam and the Whites, the new show from Cam Patterson. How about Hans and Kim, everybody? Thank you, guys. I got the Kill Tony regular show on Tuesdays, Hans, Kim, and Friends on Wednesday, and I'm in Springfield, Missouri, Arlington, Virginia, Batavia, Illinois, coming up. Thank you. Hans, Kim.

These are the great regulars of Kill Tony. How about one more time for them, everybody? Look at the drawing from Chris Rogers, everyone. The three regulars. Oh, man. Oh, I'm going to buy that one. That one's mine. I'm taking that one. That's not for sale. That's going to me. Oh, I'm taking that one. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, Michael Gonzalez? Woo!

Paul Deamer on the horns. Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. The great John Dees on the keys. And that's the great D Madness on bass guitar, everybody. Thank you to Jail Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, NinjaBuses.com, Hall Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service, and Connect Mobile. Help get an IV drip. Use the promo code KILL15 for 15% off. Check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, SunsetStripATX.com. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

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