#640 - STAVROS HALKIAS
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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. All our merch can be found for Kill Tony at KillMerch.com. Tony's on a brand new tour. He's going all over the place. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony.

And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called The Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Kill Tony Band. And the secret show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at sunsetstripatx.com. And now a brand new episode of Kill Tony. The world is in peril. It's chaos everywhere. We're not covering any of it.

Because we're too stupid. You're black, right? Right. Allegedly. Robert Paul Champagne. All it takes for rappers to join Pickleball is for Michael Jordan to make some Jordans for Pickleball. Merry Christmas, you guys. You sound like every gay in Manhattan. I feel gay. Try it out. Are washcloths for the poors? How much is it going to hurt again? What is going on? Ever heard of the Pulitzer Prize? We sure haven't. Go to YMHstudios.com to get your tickets right now.

Hey, y'all. It is a super duper digital event like nothing we've ever done before. A two-night experience unlike anything in Kill Tony history. Go to killtonylive.com and get your live streaming tickets for the two arena shows. So much insanity is going to happen.

And as always, I always keep the guests and anything that I have up my sleeve a complete surprise for you. But if I told you what was going to happen on these two nights, you would be pumped. And plus, you already know all your favorite regulars. And, of course, Rick Diaz versus Hans Kim for eternal regularship on the show. A battle of two absolute autistic devils.

titans. Who knows what can happen? A lot of special treats, a lot of special guests. It's going to be like the 10-year anniversary show, but on absolute steroids. Super pumped. Get tickets now and support your favorite show in the world. The number one live podcast started with 14 people in a tiny little room. Now we're going global. That's killtonylive.com for the amazing two-night event, December 30th and 31st.

You're going to be sick of your family. Have some laughs. Enjoy two nights of Kill Tony live. Anything can happen. Killtonylive.com. Hey, this is Redbeak coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Tony Hitchcliffe!

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? How about a hand for Red Band, everybody? We've been doing this ten and a half years. You can't tell from the band to the intro transition, but ten and a half years of practice. He has it hitting that fucking go button. Amazing.

This is Kill Tony, believe it or not, the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Gel Blaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose Hall Law Firm, Connect, mobilehealth.com, where you can get an IV drip, ninjapartybus.com, where you can get a fun ride anywhere you want in the city, and Austin Security Guard Service, the best security guards in the world are here in Austin, Texas. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band? That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Paul Diemer on the horns. Thank you.

Beautiful. Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys. And this is the great Dee Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. We have a lot of fun stuff happening tonight, but before we get started, here's a little bit from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. ♪

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An exciting one, ladies and gentlemen. You know, I book every single episode. I book this guest myself. And this is without a doubt one of the most requested guests in the history of the show. And it is indeed his first time ever being a guest on this fucking show.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest live comedians working today has the newest special out on Netflix right now called Fat Rascal. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Stavros Alkias, everybody. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, baby. Here we go. Finally, Stavros has joined the fray of Kill Tony. How we doing?

All right. We've been waiting a long time for this, Stavros Halkias. Let's do it. Fat Rascal out now on Netflix. Absolutely killing it. Life is good. Stavros, welcome to Kill Tony. How you doing? Good, man. I can't wait to say retard and call you gay for two hours. Yeah! He gets it. He already knows. Sometimes I book a guest. They don't know about the show. They don't know what to do. He already has it figured out.

Let's get it. Which means you also know, this is a special night. 201, exactly, 201 human beings signed up for their opportunity, perhaps, to get pulled out of this bucket. If that happens, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And then I interview them. We find out more about them, usually funnier stuff than they had a chance to talk about. We find out more about them and their lives and what makes them interesting. We have a few regulars mixed in that do a new minute every single week. Very tough job. Amazing stuff. You guys ready to start? Austin, Texas, are you ready to start tonight's episode of Kill Tony? All right.

I'm going to pre-pull a name. We're going to get them from the bar next door. And while that happens, we have one of our greatest regulars in the history of the show here to start tonight's episode. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week, headlining all around the fucking world, sold out shows, adding shows. I have his location on my phone. I watch him. I see him. He's coming in hot from Seattle today. He was at the SeaTac airport at fucking 2 p.m. today. I'm excited to see what happens tonight.

You guys know the words to this song? Let's see if you do. Hans Kim, everybody! Hey! It's good to be here. I'd like to thank Matt Reif for getting cancelled on the first joke of his special. So I don't have to watch the rest of that shit. Guess I'll never find out what that guy does for a living. Like Matt Reif, I am the Matt Reif of ugly people.

I actually have a lot of sex. It's pretty cool. I used to date a beauty pageant winner from El Salvador. Yeah. She had Miss 13 tattooed on her forehead. Thank you! What's up, man? I hate poor people. They're always trying to make me feel bad for growing up rich. Sorry my parents had their shit together. They didn't have a panic baby. I can't take care of myself. Maybe this baby can.

All right, thank you. All right, Hans Kim.

Shooting his shot against Matt Rife this week for some reason. What do you have against Matt Rife? I have a lot of minutes to write and everyone is fair game. I love Matt Rife. I think he's great. I just, I don't watch a lot of specials, but I watched Stavros' special. He got me tickets. It's one of the best specials I've ever seen. Go check it out. Hell yeah. I was about to call him a coward for backtracking on the Matt Rife thing, but now I love the guy. Yeah.

Fuck Matt. No, I... That was a good recovery. That was a good honest answer to your question. I like that. What are you going to say when Matt Reif is a guest on the show in a couple weeks? Hey, Matt.

What's going on in life, Hans Kim? I just got back from Vancouver, BC. Had a little layover in SeaTac, which is where... That's what you were doing in Seattle. Yeah. Okay. You got me. I saw you earlier. I look at Hans' location all the time. I keep...

I keep an eye on him. It's true. I keep him from doing shitty open mics. He's addicted to shitty open mics. And when you're addicted to shitty, here's a little insight in the comedian world. When you do that, it fucks up your timing. It makes you not like, if you're doing a shitty room filled with idiots and there's like 12 morons there and you're trying a new joke that might be fucking amazing, but you're doing it in front of 12 idiots and they don't laugh or they go, dude.

then you don't like the joke that could have been great. So by doing shitty shows, it's not a good barometer for how things work. So I always keep an eye on Han. So I'll yell at him sometimes. I'll be like, what the fuck are you doing at that fucking club right now? Like, it's literally like a... Tony, do you do this with women also? Like that you date and stuff? Do you make them... No, I don't have their locations. No, it's only men that Tony tracks on his phone. Exactly. I have the... We're on the board. One time calling Tony gay. It is true. That's one.

That is one. One down and to huge applause, by the way. Literally never gets old. I love it. Whatever the people want, that's what you get.

Who knows? There could be dildos at the arena flying around. We're just a few weeks away. Anything can happen. Speaking of the arena, I mean, the whole world is talking, the whole Kill Tony universe, at least, is talking about this upcoming battle. It's the first thing like this we've ever done. And your regular ship is on the line. How's things going with that? How do you feel leading into it? It's going great. You know, I love negativity and hatred in my life.

And somehow you're the good guy in this. D Madness, your guitar is literally, I mean, you have to go like side, it's more this way. I don't know if you feel that, but it's got to be like that way a little bit. This is a sardine stage, okay? It ain't my fault. I know, I know, but the... I got put up. She wasn't by me.

All right. That's right. I'm gay and I'm an asshole, everybody. I love it. Welcome to my show, everyone. Welcome to the gay asshole show, everybody. Here I am. The old gay asshole. Put a dick in me because I'm a gay asshole. You know what I'm saying? All right. Hans, what else is going on in your world? Let's talk about it. Uh,

I recently installed a bag of water above my bed and I'm sucking on that. That's pretty cool. What the fuck are you talking about? This man lives like a hamster. Do you put wood pellets in your fucking bathroom too? You just shit directly on the floor, Hans? Is that Korean efficiency? Yeah.

He has little tunnels in his whole place that he just crawls through. You are what you eat. You eat hamsters. I mean, yeah, I'd give it a shot. I love it. So let's get into this more. What the fuck do you mean a bag of water over your bed? I got the biggest camel back I could find, found the stud, put a nail, hung it up, and now I'm just sucking on water all day.

So you fill the camel back up with water. You nailed it to your wall. Is this something you saw on the internet or somebody else do? This is your own idea. This is 100% original Hans Kim idea.

This is absolutely incredible. I love this. You gave me money and now I'm just using it. That's right. I love that. That's one of my favorite things is to make sure that the people that I make sure get rich spend that fucking money. There's nothing worse than someone that holds on to it a lot. There's a lot of thrifty people that, uh, you know, and you were once one of them. I, yeah, I still am. Uh,

But no, yeah, you're helping me a lot. You really shame me about... Being cheap. Being cheap. He wears a lot of free T-shirts that people give him. Like, you'll see it. Like, you can just tell. Like, it's like, what's that one? That's a real... This one is the Lehman Brothers. It's a... You bought that? Yeah, on Amazon. It's a... It's kind of a protest. Yeah. I don't get it. Yeah, what does it mean? Can you explain it? They were responsible for the 2008 financial crisis. Yeah.

And you bought that? Yeah. With the money? Yeah. Recently? You bought this recently? Yeah, about two weeks ago. Nice, man. Hell yeah. My man's trying to get some communist pussy. Yeah. Respect. I also am trying to do that, so...

How are things with the girlfriend? She's great. You know, she's very American. I'm Asian. You know, she ignores some of the nice things I do for her. She's like, oh, you're here? Oh, can you get me some water? And you're like, here, here's my tube. Just take it out of your mouth. Yeah, I put a water bag above her bed. Are you fucking serious? Yeah, I'm starting a franchise. You guys sleep in different beds? Well, yeah. I mean, she has her own house. I live in my house.

It causes a lot of stress because she likes to spend a lot of time with me. She does. Yeah. That's an ongoing theme. Yeah, it's crazy. It's like I'm a podcaster by nature and she's just taking away all my podcasting time. But no, she's... A podcaster by nature. Yeah.

So let's talk more about this water bag. Do you drink it all in like one night? Do you refill it? Do you let the water sit there for a few days? How long does it take you to get through this bag of water? It's like five days of water just hanging above my head. Gross. Wow, that is incredible. What the fuck? You don't want fresh water, motherfucker? Well, if you have a cup, you have to like turn over and like make sure you sit up and drink it. If you have a thing, you just like lay there and just suck on it.

Oh my god. But that's cold. That's cold. It's room temperature water, but... Gross. It's just like you're just... Like, when you're laying in bed, the thing that gets you out of bed is, like, dry mouth. So now I solved that. The thing that gets you out of bed is dry mouth.

Do you have a tube you piss into as well? Yeah. Is this a perfect cycle? Yeah, dude, that's the next thing. You need fucking filtration to piss into, and then you just drink the water. Then it's infinity days, not five days. You're just your own human centipede at that point. You don't ever need to do anything.

And then if you add a podcast mic into the mix, you can literally just do everything from there. Zoom screen across from you. Have everybody zoom in. Your annoying girlfriend can stay in the room with you and feel like you're with her.

Right? She can keep an eye on you. Right. Thank you for this advice. I know you're joking, but I might actually do it. I want updates on it. I'm excited to find out how it goes. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Hans Kim with a brand new minute. A brand new interview. We found out a lot. Motherfucker's got a bag of water on the wall. You can't make this shit up. I swear, I don't talk to these people throughout the week. Like, hey, what are we going to talk about in the interview? I find out with you. Like,

Like, you can't even write that shit. He's got a bag of water. Like, no sitcom would do that because they'd be like, oh, that's unbelievable. Who's going to believe that he's sucking out of a bag of water? One more time for Hans Kim. Hans Kim. All right. I pulled a name out of the bucket. This is where shit gets crazy. Anything can happen. It might be the fucking future of comedy. It could be a completely mentally ill person. You guys down to have some fun?

Your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Spencer Ward, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go, 60 seconds uninterrupted to Spencer Ward. We're going to meet him all together. The war between Israel and Hamas is very sad. It's actually affected me personally as well. I enjoy amateur Israeli porn. Lately there's been a lot more background noise. Some people aren't willing to challenge their own beliefs. Women who are pro-life never want to go on late night walks.

They make it awfully difficult for God to bless them with a precious little miracle. I've never seen an attractive woman with a rape whistle. That's why I think they should call it a, hey everybody, look, someone's actually fucking me, whistle. Anyone who's finished middle school has basic history knowledge and knows about atrocities like slavery and the Holocaust. Keep that in mind the next time your aunt says everything happens for a reason. You probably haven't seen it, but she definitely has a swastika tattoo on her inner thigh or lower back.

And your uncle stares at it when they're having sex. All right, Spencer Ward. Welcome to the show, Spencer. How are you? Good.

How long have you been doing stand-up? About seven months. Seven months. Where at? Around Austin. Here in Austin. Is this where you're from? I'm not. So I did two months in Milwaukee and then five months here. Milwaukee is where you're originally from? From Madison, then moved to Milwaukee. Okay. Yeah. All right. Born and raised in Madison. Yeah. Okay. I could see that. You have the personality of someone from Wisconsin. Very soft, polite delivery. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Those are the most timid rape jokes I've ever heard in my life. You really sold them. If maybe a lady might at night, something bad could happen to her. And my aunt's a Nazi, by the way. That's fair. Yeah. Has anyone ever blown a rape whistle near you, Spencer?

No, not that I'm aware of, no. Okay, what do you do for a living? Work in IT. Right, there you go. The rape whistle right on cue. That famous red band timing. Exactly. Just how he likes it. A good ten second delay on a rape whistle so he can come and run and get away with it all. There he goes. No, you don't have to do that. You don't have to hit buttons when you're uncomfortable. Okay, so there you go. Snuck one in there.

You have any special skills or talents? Have you been on stage before presenting anything? On stage presenting? No, no, not... I've done open mics, you know, but with like 20 or 30 people maybe. So the biggest show you did before this was 23 people? No, I've done the open mic, the ship open mic once, but otherwise it's like Creek in the Cave and different spots where there's like 10 to 20 people. Okay. All right, Spencer. What do you do for fun? What's interesting about you?

Yeah, I'll... Well, yeah. Yeah. I'm glad you asked. I was prepared for this part. I had a feeling. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Here we go. In three, two, one. So I... What do you do for fun? And here we go.

So I wood burn. You wood burn. You burn wood. You wood burn. How much burn would a wood burn burn? It's like drawing. You burn an image into wood. You just go slowly and draw with a wood burner. So it's like drawing, but you do it slowly and burn the image. Etching. Yeah. It's kind of like that, but it's not that.

I didn't know you were into wood burning. Oh yeah, they have it with the lasers now. That's what Bonsai does a lot. You know that if you moved a little more, you would burn calories. Yeah, welcome to Kill Tony, where Tony is gay and Red Band is fat. So you wood burn. Yeah, I do other stuff too. Like what? It's interesting that you start at wood burning.

I was trying to lead with something different that you haven't heard before. Yeah, it was good. I got that wood burn calorie joke. Never done that in ten and a half years. Okay, go ahead.

Long runs around Lady Bird Lake. I've met interesting people. Yeah? I've met Lex on the Lady Bird Lake trail. You met Lex Friedman? Yeah. Right. Okay. I can't imagine what you two glasses of water talked about. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. I'm on a run. I'm on a run. You two fucking robots.

Just fucking full malfunction. They're just stuck there. Well, I guess I should be going now. What direction are you running? That way or that way? I'm going to run with you now. It's pretty close, yeah. Yeah, exactly. I love it. So you guys started running together? No, we just talked that time and then when we see each other, we wave. That's about it. Damn, fucking awesome brag, dude. Wow.

So I saw him on Sunday. I went past him, but I was running and he was walking, so I didn't want to stop to talk to him, so I just waved. Oh, my goodness. I like your style. You are just a fucking old bag of water. You know what I mean? You keep this kind of personality up, you're going to be nailed to Hans' wall in no time. This is absolutely incredible. No spice to you whatsoever. But you have decent jokes for a guy seven months in, I'll tell you that.

I mean, you're kind of like, I don't know which one of the Culkin brothers you are exactly, but this must be a special time of the year for you. What are you doing for Christmas? Do you have any special plans? Are you going to put up a plain pine tree or something like that? No decorations? I'll fly back to Wisconsin and see family. Oh, yeah. There you go. The old Wisconsin winter wonderland. What about it? Yeah.

Nothing more fun than that. I did almost die once, so that's maybe a little bit interesting. Let's talk about that for a second. That's a good save there. This might be interesting. Yeah. So when I was 11, I crashed an ATV.

hit a tree and then it rolled down on top of me like into a ditch and I saw a bright light and everything and I had that whole experience and then I woke up in a hospital and had to learn to walk again. Took like a week to get out of the bed. Now I know why your personality is how it is. This is good. It's brain damage everybody. Very exciting. I have a master's. I went to grad school so maybe if I didn't have that accent I would be like an astronaut. Are you a badger? Yeah, I went to Madison. There you go. That's a yes. Yeah.

And in what? What was it in? I have a master's in IT management, BS in international business. There you go. I would say don't pursue that. Keep telling bad rape jokes. Don't start a family and save up some money for retirement. Spend the tail end of your youth in shitty bars bombing. Sorry, man. What's your love life like? You seem like you could be good looking in the right lighting.

I got like three hours of sleep, so that's my excuse. Okay. But yeah, I'm just not pursuing anybody. Is anybody pursuing you? No.

When I go out, yeah, like to open mics and stuff, people will approach, yeah. Yeah. And you never partake? You just let them flirt with you? I'm not wired as someone who like wants hookups. I want like a relationship, but I don't have the time for it. Of course you want a relationship. This fucking guy is something else. What fucking time machine did you crawl into? Yeah.

Looking for something serious. This computer thing's really taken off. I'm an IT guy. It's going to blow up any day now. Just looking for someone to settle down with. Go to Wisconsin. Introduced to my mother and father who are still happily together. Am I correct? No, they divorced when I was five. Was it during the ATV accident? Oh, when you were five. God damn it, Henry. I told you not to buy him that ATV. That's what his mom sounds like? Yeah. God damn it. That's a Wisconsin...

That's what moms in Wisconsin sound like. Who's going to shovel the driveway? Is your mom a smoker? She's not. Oh, well. Whatever. Are you going to burn some wood tonight, dude? Are you going to get fucking wild, bro? Are you going to think about love and wood burn some wood? I might. Yeah, I might do just that. There he goes. The Kill Tony debut of Spencer Ward, everybody. You know what? Welcome to the show. Seven months in. Oh, Jesus Christ. Did you get it?

Did you get it? You got scared? Here, take one. Take one of these. Do not grab D-band. This is anything. Get out of here. There he goes. All right. On and on we go. This is a very special bucket pool, everybody. I love the fact that this show is so crazy. There's so many characters that have been on before that I can reach into a bucket with 201 fucking names and pull out a fucking pretty much a legend of the show's history.

This next comedian had a very, very famous moment here where she won opening spots with me and with Roseanne Barr. She's an absolute killer. I truly believe, I mean this, one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Make some noise for Celia Contreras, everybody. ♪

Okay, so I had a very open-minded stepdad, especially when that .45 caliber tore through the back of his head. It was a hollow occasion, but we know he had a blast, right? Suicide. Let's talk about something worse. White women. It's not that I hate you bitches, I've just worked a lot of customer service jobs. That being said, I don't think my own people, Mexican women, are shit either. I want to know why we shave off our eyebrows and draw them back on. Like, just the audacity of it. It's like, I can do better than God.

So I'm at my brother's funeral, right? And my sister's next to me and she makes this disgusting sound. She's like, ugh. It's like, what? Look at this bitch. She couldn't have drawn her shit on straight for this. I turn around. There's my other sister looking concerned and surprised. This is very inappropriate. Nobody was surprised my brother killed himself. Celia Contreras, everybody. Unbelievable. Again and again and again. Very exciting to have...

Two Stavroses on stage at the same time. I know, dude. I need that shirt. Give me the link. I'd give it to you now, but I'm not wearing a bra. Me neither. My God, this is incredible. This is like a fucking eclipse of the...

We should just like, which one is it? All right, everybody, put on your special glasses that are underneath your seats. This is unbelievable. This is incredible. Really good jokes though. Very funny. Yeah. The surprise, the eyebrow joke. Very, very funny.

Thank you. That's not a joke, assholes. I'm saying something nice. The fuck. No, that's great. Absolutely. And I'll say something serious as well. You know, I invited you. If you remember the story, I don't know if you guys remember, but Celia was on. She fucking destroyed. She said she's from Phoenix and a bunch of old friends used to bust her balls. I said, I'm going to put you in this massive theater that I'm doing. Invite anybody you want. Invite the haters. Invite your family. And...

Little Heath went out, started the show, killed, brought up Celia, who absolutely fucking destroyed. I mean, that was your first big theater, right? Yes. And it was in the round, so you're surrounded by audience the entire time. She also obviously is in the round eternally. Um,

But you absolutely fucking murdered. You took your time. You executed the jokes. The place went fucking nuts for Phoenix's own Celia Contreras. Can I disagree slightly? I feel like I was still talking too fast. I thought about it afterwards and my brother said the same thing, but he's an idiot. Look what happened to him. No, I love him. You know what I'm saying?

That's good that you have notes for yourself after having a great set. That's awesome. It shows the true comedian that's inside of you that looks back and thinks of what they could do better. Well, yes, but I get in the car because my brother and sister drove me to another show. Remember I told you I was doing another show afterwards? Yes, the classic, classic mistake that many openers make after doing a massive theater. They're like, oh, I'm going to go do this other show across the city and destroy my morale for the night.

I'm gonna disagree. I ended up headlining that night. 120 people came to see me. Whoa, look at that. That's amazing.

That's amazing. And my family went to both shows, my brother and my sister. My brother even bribed his wife. It's like, I'll take you to the casino if you let me go watch the second show. Amazing. Amazing. Add another 120 to the mix for that night. So fun. And what else is going on in your life, Celia? You're a fucking real comedian. I've always said that about you. You're hilarious. You roll with jokes. You fucking make them. You take them.

I try, but I'm very insecure. I know I present myself as well, but imposter syndrome, low self-esteem, it's a whole thing. That's all of us. They call me gay. No, no, you don't have imposter syndrome when it comes to that. You are the real deal, brother. That's two. My goodness. For what it's worth, Tony, I don't think you're gay. I am not.

When I go to bed tonight, I'm going to have trouble sleeping when I put in my dick-shaped pacifier into my mouth. In your mouth or in your ass? Pacifier and the ass-ifier. You know what I'm saying? For what it's worth, I don't think you're gay. Gay guys are fit.

Wait. Wait a second. What the fuck? Celia. I'm sorry. Are you pulling a joke about how I'm not fit right now? Yeah, so if anybody would know, it's me. Tony, it's a trap. A gay guy would react exactly like this. Three. There it is. West side?

Celia, you doing a joke about me being unfit is like me doing a joke about you being healthy. Okay. That's like not a thing. I'm an expert at being unfit. So I would fucking know.

Okay, Celia, I'm fucking ripped, by the way. I don't know what you're talking about. No, Michael, shut the fuck up. Who started that? Gross. No. I didn't mean to start that. I'm sorry. Celia, what else about you?

People keep offering me spots. I guess I'm really popular in West Texas. I've had line there twice and I actually did my first 40 minute set two weeks ago. And it wasn't shit. Like it was decent. Right? Yeah. It could be so much better though. Yeah. And get my shit together. Yeah. Okay. What type of shit together would you have to get for that to happen? Do you think? I need to be more focused and like I have a bet with my friends starting January 1st. First one to drinks has to do something stupid.

And I'm not going to lose to this faggot, so... There you go. There you go. He's a faggot? What's his number? This is what you guys do to me. You put me in a corner...

He was the first time I did the show in Phoenix. He went up right before me. He ended up being my roommate. We've been roommates twice, but his name was Josh Jones. He tried to jungle oranges for you and asked you to sign an orange. Yeah, I have no fucking idea. It was very forgettable. I don't let him forget, though. It's all like, hey, your friends are here. Let's show them our Kill Tony episode.

Okay. What else is going on in life? Anything else crazy happening? What's your love life like? You still closing bars and waiting for the last guy there and all that? We talked about this before.

Dude, I have so many people in my DMs now and I'm fucking tired. I don't want to have sex anymore. I like that. I like that. Stavros, what do you think about that? Can you relate? Also, I need to get in shape because I like dudes shaped like you and it's hard for two balls to balance on top of each other. No, it would be a horrible geometry problem if we tried to have sex. It would not work. Not at all. It really would. I don't have enough penis for two bellies, that's for sure.

We got like seven other fat guys. We can make it a planetarium kind of like porn thing. You guys would be the hottest couple of all time. I can just picture it. Just two bags of ice cream above the bed. Celia, you're a fucking monster. We absolutely love you. You did it again. You're a cold-blooded killer. Keep doing the goddamn thing.

Celia Contreras. Make sure you follow her at Celia underscore A underscore Graham. All right. This is our, I do believe this is our second Spencer of the night, everybody. It's a night filled with Spencers so far. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. Spencer Boone, everybody. 60 seconds from Spencer Boone. The 100% male Spencer ratio. Spencer Boone.

I don't think everyone should wear a mustache. If you wear just a mustache, you can look cool like a biker or a cowboy. If I wear just a mustache, I look like I use a lot of hard R's. With just a mustache, I like the type of guy who would wear aviators and then randomly get out of his car and pick fights with people because their skin's brown. If I wear just a mustache, I like the type of guy who would corner you in an alleyway, force you to the ground, have sex with you against your will, pull out a gun, threaten to kill you and everyone you love if you tell anybody about this. laughter

But at the end of the day, no matter what side you're on, no matter how you feel about it, there's still a lot of people who would say I used to be a pretty good cop. Paid leave. Okay, Spencer Boone, everybody. One more time for Spencer. Very exciting. This is cool to have two Stavroses on stage at the same time. He's a piece of ass, you're right.

I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. Four years. All of it here in Austin? I've been here for about five months now. Where were you before that? Charlottesville, Virginia. Ooh, that's like a racist epicenter. It's really not, though. Those people weren't from there.

Right. Yeah. Sure. That's what I would say too if that happened, right? Yeah. It's actually a very liberal city. Yeah? Yeah. Okay. Are there more black people in Charlottesville or on this stage right now? There's more in Charlottesville. Okay. I had to look around. I had to check. All right. Okay. What do you do for work?

I've been working at the rock and roll shop here on 6th Street. Rock and roll shop? Yeah, they sell band shirts and horror movie stuff, sci-fi things. Cool. You seem like you're built for that. I like it. It's fun. It doesn't pay very much. I'd rather do something I like than spend all my time doing something I hate. What do you do for fun? I'm an artist. I love to paint. You do wood burning? No. No.

I have before, yes. Very incredible. This is an interesting episode. Two Spencers that have burned wood. Alright, sure. I don't know what that means, but yeah. There was a Spencer on earlier that burned wood. Okay. Neat.

What else? I paint. I do resin stuff. I've made my own gauges before. Oh, your ear gauges. Yes. Right. Okay. You're stretching out your ear lobes. Not anymore. They're kind of where they're at. Right. Yeah. Okay. I like how the jokes are about how ridiculous he'd look with a mustache and that's what his ears look like. Could you imagine if I looked stupid? And then he puts a fucking Steve Harvey suit button in his fucking ears. Yeah.

That was good. That was good. So what made you start that? Where does that, how does that start? I've always wondered where gauges start. Did you see, did you have a friend doing that? Did your mom start that for you? No, no. My mom hates them. Your mom hates them? I can't imagine that. Yes. Where's she at? My mom's in Virginia. Virginia, right. Yeah. Absolutely. So go ahead. How does it start?

I didn't start doing it until I was like 14. I already had them pierced. But, you know, a girl in your earth science class just kind of shoves a tongue ring through your ear and you start gauging your ears. You start gauging your ears? Yes. Initially, though, I know where I first saw gauges and thought they were cool. Where? The band Incubus? Can you give your answer again and we'll edit out Red Band's horrendous non-landing with one human joke? Okay.

The band Incubus. Oh. Seriously. See, it's a great answer. Even the second time, it's amazing. But also, I like art, right? So they had a music video for the song Drive, and he's literally drawing himself in the video, and he gets to his face, and he just draws a big circle. Yeah. And I didn't know what the fuck it was, and I found out that was where gauges were from that. It's a thing. You know you don't have to just keep the same interest from when you were 14, right? You can grow and evolve as a person. Yeah.

I've taken them out different periods of time and they shrink back up though. So, I mean, it's a choice to have. I got you. I got you. But, you know, he makes an interesting point. He makes an interesting point. You know, people that hold on to that time in their lives usually suffer some type of trauma that happened right after that or around that time. Is that in your case true? Because you're trying to go, did something happen when you were 15, 16 or 17 to where you're holding on to things from when you were 14? Oh, God. Uh...

It's probably one of the divorces. One of the divorces. What are the odds of that? Very interesting. I never would have guessed. Yeah, but, you know, I went through like three divorces by the time I was like 16. Yeah. My parents can't pick well. That's right. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. Very interesting how psychology works like that. Are there other things that you hold on to from your childhood when things were going good? Oh, God. Oh.

I don't know, man. I mean, I've always been sick most of my life. Sick? Yeah. When I was on here last time, I had the celiacs, the allergy. Oh, celiac was on stage right before you. Boo. No, no.

It's celiac C. That's a good one. That's amazing. Yeah, that's a great joke. Okay, so tell us about your celiac. You would poop your pants sometimes, right? That disease? I didn't realize most people just didn't walk around trying to hold in shits all the time. Right. I grew up eating bread not knowing I had celiacs. I didn't find out I had celiacs until I was like 30. Yeah, spent a lot of time just trying not to shit yourself. Yeah.

How successful have you been? When was the last time you shit your pants? Oh, God. I was probably like 25. Nice. Yeah. I'll be honest. I just didn't make it in my house in time. It was a key fumble. Everything fell apart. P-fumble? Huh? Did you say P-fumble? I fumbled my keys at the door. Couldn't get in. I'm with you, brother. I know exactly what you're talking about.

You run out of time, you run out of time. Like, holy shit. Let me and my friend over here discuss this, Tony. This doesn't concern you. My goodness, that is such an interesting thing that you guys almost poop your pants a lot. Yeah, yeah. I'm a real person. I almost shit my pants. Yeah.

I've never done it like that. I've never like, oh, I just dropped my keys and now I shit myself. Well, with the celiacs, you get like a countdown. It's like, hey, you got to go now. Wow. So, you know, a lot more Walmart bathroom shits that you ever want to take. Just keep it like a plastic bag or a Ziploc around in your pocket for emergencies. For emergencies. Listen to the uproarious response from the audience. It's incredible. Sunset Strip Comedy Club, folks.

Second highest ceilings in the business. That's right. So yeah, that was a thing. Okay, tell us something interesting about your life before I let you go that we never found out and something else that since your last appearance here, we'd be surprised to know about. You've had some time to think about this. What sets you apart from everybody else?

It's cool that you draw. It's cool that you had a traumatized childhood. Yeah, yeah. Give us something new here. Something new? Oh, man. You haven't thought about it, huh? No, I can give you a story about something I've done. Okay. Yeah. So I love drugs, as far as like hallucinogenics. One time I took acid, rode on a picnic table affixed to a trailer being driven by a four-wheeler by a drunk redneck. And then you pooped your pants. Yeah.

No, they were port-a-potties. It was a private camp thing. There you go. You got a little joke book last time you were on? No, I had a big joke book. Whoa, look at that. Okay, well there you go. You're good. There you go. Spencer Boone, everybody. There goes Spencer. He's done three. Okay.

All right, let's get one of our regulars up here. Ladies and gentlemen, the guy's an absolute phenom. You know him, you love him. He's featuring for me in theaters all around the fucking globe. He's a freak of nature. Absolutely, truly, truly one of the best rising talents on planet Earth. Make some noise for the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody. Thank you.

Hell yeah. When I... When I... Hell yeah. When I be talking to women, I be kind of making my upbringing sound worse than what it was sometimes. Like, I be calling a guy, be like, you know, it was kind of hard for me out there. I just sleep on the floor and shit. I slept on the couch most of my life. Like, it was kind of tough. I kind of raised myself a little bit. You feel what I'm saying? And most women be like, oh my gosh, that's so sad. Let me suck your dick. And...

But I met this one girl and she was from Mexico and I told her that whole thing. Like I slept on the floor growing up and shit. I did all the other stuff. And she was like, oh, that's sad as hell. When I was growing up, I ain't had no roof. Bitch, you won. You got me. You got me beat for real. You feel what I'm saying? Like that's what showed me like people in other countries got it way worse. Because I was crying about sleeping on the couch and shit. And this bitch ain't had no top to her house. You feel what I'm saying? Nigga, that's crazy. It is. That is crazy. Welcome, Cam. Another new minute.

What it do? Hell yeah. Everything is good. Everything is good. How much was that? That was 52 seconds. Fuck yeah. That's close. Hell yeah. Absolutely yeah. Hell yeah. That's it nigga. I wrote that shit in the shower. That was dope. Hell yeah. That Mexican shit real though. That bitch ain't really had no roof on her house. That was crazy. What did you just say? Hell yeah.

Shit was real bitch had a oof out of her. You understand me Stavi? I got you bro, I got you. She didn't have a roof on her house. That Mexican shit is crazy. She didn't have a roof on her house. That's what it said. There you go. Stavi a nigga at heart. Thank you.

So you're with a Mexican woman who didn't have a roof on her house. Well, nah, she talking about when she was a kid. She ain't had one. Right. Yeah. Right. So the rain just gets in. Yeah, they had like a tin roof or some shit. It was crazy. She was telling me that. I was like, can you just suck my dick? Well, that's cool. Yeah. So did you suck her dick then? You got me beat, bitch. I guess. I guess you won this one. You know what I call a Mexican family soaked in rain? Wet tops.

Okie dokie. We are back. Cam Patterson coming off of...

working with me this weekend. Two sold out theaters in New York City, absolute smashing performances and then we were back again, In and Out in 24 hours. Is that fun for you? It was a good time, man. Shit was great, you feel me? That white bitch hit me up. Yeah, that shit was crazy. Tell us about it. She hit me up. So I'm in the hotel and shit and she like, you should come to New York and I said, well, funny thing is, I'm here right now, right?

Nice. And she was like, oh, for real? And she was like, what can I get it? And I didn't answer because I didn't know what that meant. So I just didn't answer. And she was like, hurry up. I'm trying to plan my night. Like, when can I get it? And I was like, get what? And she was like, yo, dick in my mouth. And I was like, this is dope, nigga. I'm sorry. You didn't know what she meant? What are you, Tony Trump talk to a black person? That's fucking...

It was clear as day. I wanted her to say it for consent reasons. That's what I needed. I needed a text. You feel what I'm saying? You needed it in writing. Yeah. I had her to say it. See, that bitch said she wanted to suck my dick. See? See? That's what she said, officer. Yeah.

I got you. So how did that go for you? Oh, yeah, it was good. She sucked the soul out of my dick. It was fun. I had a good time. I really enjoyed that shit. The funniest thing was, I didn't realize she had DM'd me like a long time ago when I did the office joke. Right. And she said, I quote, and I quote, she said, I can suck your dick to full house, which was crazy. You know what I'm saying? It was just like a whiter show, which is dope. You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, that was fun. I had a good time. New York was dope as shit.

Yeah, yeah. The shows were cool, too. Yeah. Yeah, that's how I feel, too. You go in, you fucking get out. I was most excited about the 3.30 a.m. pickup. We went in and fucking destroyed New York and got the fuck out. It was like a hit shot. Like we killed somebody. Yeah. Yeah, like real assassins. It really was. It's like what, remember, what the fuck was that guy's name? The...

Guy in Northern California that fucking murdered people came from the millionaire New York family. What the fuck? Fucking HBO. Jeffrey Dumb. No. Steve Jobs. Robert Durst. Oh, yes. Don't know who that is. There's one part where he goes and he kills a lady in LA that was about to talk about him murdering the other people. And they track him. And they have his phone going all the way. He flew into San Francisco, drove...

to L.A., blatantly murders somebody, and then drives all the way back to make his flight a few hours later. Are you tracking him also? Him and Hans? Yes. There you go. That's your biggest joke of the night right there. You should keep track of that. It's a big one for you. Look, the crowd is proud of you. It's a big one for you on a comedy show. To be fair, it was more just reminding people of something someone said. I don't know if it was quite a joke. Remember that one time you said that? Yeah.

I love you, Redman. You my nigga, dog. We like this. I am. Yeah, yeah. Cam, what else is going on? Anything else crazy happening? I did, thanks to y'all, thanks to the Sean's, I sold out two shows at the Hollywood Empire. That was dope as fuck. Yeah, thank y'all so much. That was cool as fuck. That's right.

I heard about these. Yeah, it was a good time, bro. I really had a good time, bro. It's kind of crazy to see. I see the improv and the comedy store posting about you just being around. Yeah, that's crazy. And it's like you're a celebrity in L.A. now.

Rob Markman: It's weird how shit's kind of changed. It used to be like, "Oh, you know who's coming to Austin? The guy that's famous from LA." And now it's kind of flipped. Yeah. Yeah, and I was cool as fuck. They had my name on the Marquine shit, and my dad walked by. I ain't say I don't want to win, and he walked by. He said, "Oh shit, that's my boy." And he just started crying and said, "That was cool." Rob Markman: Is that the first time you've seen him in 20 years?

He started running. He was like, fuck. I have so much back-o child support. Sorry, just trying to get into the Kill Tony racist spirit, folks. Absolutely. 100%. That was fire, dude. Alive and well here. That was hot. Went in Rome. Now, my dad come everywhere. You ask Tom, my dad come everywhere, nigga. Oh, hell yeah. He does. He does. That's how babies are made. Come everywhere.

But yeah, alright. Cam, you're a fucking star. Anything else? Oh, can I tell them about my dates in Orlando? When we go back to Florida, I got a date on December 14th at my home club. So yeah, we added a second show. The first one sold out. So y'all pull up on the nigga, make sure I don't get shot. Love y'all. There you go. And we're doing theaters the next night. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm fucking up. We're gonna have fun. We're bringing David Jolly to those. That shit gonna be crazy. He gonna smoke crack on the plane. Have a good night. Yeah.

There he goes. The great Cam Patterson, everybody. All right, pull another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Jack Horner, everybody. Here's Jack Horner, everyone. Here we go. Make some noise for Jack, everybody. Come on.

Make some noise for me guys. Let's fucking party, mothership. Oh my god. Yeah, guys. Who here's on a date? Anybody on a date? Yeah, nobody? Fuck you. All right. Yeah. No, guys. Dating relationships are hard for me. I get too invested in short-term relationships. Gave my last girlfriend 150 bucks. Her relationship only lasted an hour. Turns out we're both hiding things from each other. I'm an underachiever. She was an undercover.

Yeah, when she got the handcuffs out, I thought it was just getting freaky. No, guys, for real, I'm in a long-term relationship. It's great. We just celebrated our one-year anniversary. It's awesome. Yeah, for real, guys. It's really special because she's 85 and every day counts. You know, the weird thing about dating an 85-year-old is meeting the parents. LOL, JK. She hates that joke, but it's hard to carry a grudge if you got early-onset Alzheimer's.

Oh, man. Guys, I'm a slightly handicapped straight white male. That means it's not too long before the R word comes out. Racist. Did I say racist? There goes my speech impediment. All right. Hi. Hey, what's up, stuff? Fuck yeah. Jack Horner. Oh, fuck.

Absolutely fantastic. Welcome back to the show, my friend. Thank you. It's good to be back, Tony. You have such a great fucking energy. Yeah, it's the cocaine. It's crashing really hard. It's amazing. This is intense.

Definitely not from Wisconsin at all. Yeah, no. Well, I'm from Missouri, but yeah, whatever. There you go. Good enough. Yeah, whatever. Hell yeah. You got a fucking personality on you. I guess. You're a little wibbly wobbly. What is that again? It's cerebral palsy. Hell yeah. Yeah. I know very little about it. It's kind of like one of the symptoms, you know? Not too sharp up to here in the noggin. I would do a little research if I were you, man. I would...

I don't know how to read, man, so that's a roadblock. Hell yeah. Is that true? No, it's actually the vaccine that got it. Yeah! Hashtag Doug Sundley. Let's do it. This guy knows how to crush in Texas. Absolutely jacked. I am vaccinated, though, so let's do it. I encourage that. Okay.

Yeah. Hell yeah. Hi, Stav. I'm a big fan. It's nice to meet you. Good job, buddy. Good to meet you. That was funny. This is your fan base right here. It's fine. It's incredible. I love you, Stavros. Uh-huh.

I don't have a very strong base, that's for sure. Anybody? Okay. It's tough to sell tickets when your fan base can't read. I gotta give Sabro a lot of credit. A lot of pictures. Just posters of me and an arrow pointing to a fucking theater. A link. Click the fucking link.

I prefer pop-ups, personally, if you can do that. Pop-up books, anybody? Okay. Okay. Fucking working beats over there. Hell yeah. You're like Bill Durr. Oh, hey. That's funny. Yeah.

I think my dick's way bigger than that guy's, though. 13 inches, yeah. Hell yeah. You're nonstop. You're like Louis C.P. Hey. Cerebral palsy. For those of you that can't read, cerebral palsy is C.P. Me and that guy have a lot in common, that's for sure. Yeah. You are killing it.

You are doing it. This is what this show is all about. I love it when people, you know, it's something that always happens. Like I hear a lot of people go, yeah, you know, Tony, you know, he loves like retarded people.

They're funnier than normal people. Literally funnier. Like in the room, off stage, in real life. Like fucking Heath is funnier. Aaron Belisle is funnier. Michael Lair was funnier. This is a perfect fucking example. I'm sorry. Could you say that a little bit slower? I didn't quite get it. Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.

So let's talk about it. Do you really get prostitutes? I mean, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. There's nothing better than a real honest answer, dude. You can write, you can perform, but you can't beat that. Well, okay. Listen, what's worse, a prostitute or pretending to be nice to some fat girl you're never going to see again? You know, let's be real, guys. Let's be real. Okay.

Either way, I'm spending money that I shouldn't spend. Jack fucking Horner. Thank you. Thank you. You're too kind. Yeah.

They're just doing this because I'm going to kill myself later, right? Have you thought about that before? Is that a real thing? I mean, I'm on some medications that cause some side effects, so I don't know where that... Like the medication line and like the... Okay, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I have to wait until after I'm famous. So after this airs in like two weeks, I might do it, right? Jesus Christ. Who's going to help you on the stool? Who's going to kick the stool out from under you? Hang himself? All right, I'll take it. No, it's a building, I think, like a skyscraper. I don't know. Skyscraper? Yeah. That'd be cool, right? Just like surprise some people. Elevator? Yeah, for sure. Okay. So Jack...

How do you make a living? What goes on here? Tell us about a day in the life of Jack Horner. I literally just got fired today. Isn't that crazy? You got fired today? Today, yeah. This is crazy. Tell us about it, please. Yeah, I was a police officer. My knees weren't strong enough. Anybody? Yeah, yeah.

No, it's because I was in blackface, Tony. Trying to relate to the community a little bit more, you know? Heal the divide. You are hilarious.

So tell us, what's your living situation like? Tell us more. I want to know more about you. So I live in a studio, a really small studio that's fairly nice because it's a part of some government program that has nothing to do with my disability, okay? It's cheaper rent because they want young professionals to move to Austin. So yeah, it's not bad. There's a pool that I don't go to, but there's lots of hot chicks there.

Why don't you go to the pool? I can't swim, Tony. You can't? No. Wait, come on. I mean...

I should try though, you know, because like gravity is like less of a thing in water, right? Yeah. You could be one of the best female swimmers that there are. Yeah, right? It's a thing now. You can do that. Unfortunately, I'm on hormone replacement therapy right now, so that's going to kill a lot of my edge. And also, I go in blackface too, so I don't know if that... Oh, blackface for that too. You don't want to do blackface at the swimming pool. You might forget how to swim if you do that. Yeah. Yeah.

But I'm not drowning up here, right guys? Killing it, yeah. What? Okay. Jack, what do you do through your normal day? I want to know more. So I like to fancy myself an intellectual. I like to... No, I can't read very good, but I go on Audible a lot. And Libby, the library app where you listen to audiobooks. I watch a lot of political videos.

Pollutant? Political. Okay, goddammit, that was so sad, wasn't it? Political. Yeah. Anyway, I like movies, too. That's another big thing of mine. Yeah, big movie bluff. Okay. What's your favorite movie of all time? So, I would say it's probably Boyhood by Richard Linklater. And Pulp Fiction's another good one. Pulp Fiction, yeah! Absolutely. 100%. No doubt about it. Yeah. All right. And, what?

What about stand-up? How long have you been doing it? So I think four years. Yeah, like my first two years were in Missouri where you get to do it like once a week and

And a couple of years ago, I moved to Austin. I couldn't sign up for this as much because of my job, but that's not a problem anymore, right, guys? Yeah. Unemployed, yeah. What was your actual job? I sold phones. You sold phones. Yeah. Wait, those are the young professionals they want to move to Austin? Yeah. Fucking T-Mobile employees? All right. All right.

I won't say which one it was, but it was better than T-Mobile, God damn it. Wow. You still have pride for the company that just shit-canned you? Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. They said they'd use me as like, or I could use them as a reference. So, you know, I shouldn't say like what their name is. Wait, no, no, I'm going to be a famous comedian, right? Fuck that company. I'm guessing it wasn't Sprint. Yeah. Yeah. I probably said that last time you were on, right? Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. No, it's funny this time too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

I'm crying. Interesting. Jack, what are some goals? What are some short-term goals in your life? I want to get laid, get that fucking pussy, yeah. Oh, shit. Come on. Top shelf. Top shelf? Yeah, top shelf. I don't think you can reach that. Yeah.

Maybe. I mean, the women I like are usually under five feet tall, if you know what I'm saying, Tony. Okay. I don't even know what I'm saying right there. Wait, why is everybody groaning? What did you say? I...

Do I have to fucking beat the shit out of you right now? I don't think you could. I bet I could take you. Oh, you son of a bitch. I don't know. You're not fit at all, man. Yeah, I'm not fit. I'm not fit and I'm gay. You might have a chance. Just take your penis out. It'll distract him. My penis would be distracting because it's very large, right? 13 inches, yeah. Hell yeah.

It doesn't matter if it's 13 inches, right? That's true. Who cares? It's just the angle that the chick has to be in. If she's this way, then it works. Okay. It's true. So fucking true, dude. That's so true. What is your favorite sexual position? Is it what? Yeah, that's actually...

one of the cool things about being handicapped is that you don't have to do anything, you know? I can just kind of lay there, you know? Right. And then she kind of just takes the lead. You're normal if you're laying down. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, is that what you do when the prostitute comes in? You're just already laying there like, come in! Yeah, well... Totally normal guy here. Do what you shall do. Okay. What...

I do make them undress me, right? Like, is that bad? You make them undress you? Well, it's not like fucking undress me right now. I'm not assertive about it, but they do. You kind of just lay there while they undress you like they're changing a baby or something? Are you wearing a diaper as well? Do you have a bag of water over your bed? Yeah.

It's called a golden shower, Tony. You can pretend like you don't know about it. Oh, I live by that. Do you really have a giant penis? Is that true? I mean, comparatively to my body. It's not 16 inches. Yeah, it's very, very small. But I think it's bigger than people think it is. Yeah, okay, that's nice, dude. I think it's like a 6.1 from the base, you know? Of course. I know about the base measuring method. I know all about the base measuring method. Yeah.

Oh, man. But no, I do have really hairy pubes, though. Nice. I'm scared to shave my pubes, you know? Why are you scared to shave them? Because people, you could nick your fucking dick, dude. I bet, I bet. But with Manscaped...

That is not a problem. And if you use the code KILLTONY, you save 20% off the new hedge trimmer. It's a 4.0, man. 4.0. It's a new update. And get the nose and ears trimmer. You can use it on your butt. I honestly didn't know that you guys sold that. That's crazy. That's cool. We don't really sell it. They're like a sponsor. Yeah, it sells itself. It's an unbelievable product.

It's not like we're salespeople. Ray-Ban is so much better at ads than comedy.

I should hire some writers from ZipRecruiter. There you go. No doubt about it. And get them energized with some B12 plus caffeine toothpicks by Zippix, everyone. It's absolutely incredible. No doubt about it. You can use them anywhere. You don't have to go outside to smoke. You can use them inside the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose while firing off a gel blaster while getting an IV drip and ordering your car...

Well, fully secure from us. Take all your photos and send it to your... Whatever. Frame. Picture frame.

Everything you just said about that product is also true for cocaine. Am I right, guys? Yeah. You do cocaine? You can smoke it anywhere. What? You do cocaine? Am I on cocaine? No, I'm not. I'm broke. I just lost my job, you know? Right. If I was employed, I'd definitely be on cocaine. But you do blow away when there's a strong wind? No. I see what you did there. Yeah. Honestly, yeah. I have been knocked down by strong wind before. Okay. Okay.

I'm from like the Midwest. There's like lots of tornadoes, so, you know, that's not 100% my fault, right?

You're amazing. You're a very funny guy, and I'm noticing you're an extremely strong improviser, so I'm going to do something really, really fun for you. I'm going to book you here at the mothership for tomorrow night's Bottom of the Barrel show. Hell yeah. Thank you, Tony. I'm a little boy. Thank you, man. That's really cool. And guess what else? You get to do a mediocre show, too. Watch this. And I'd love to have you back on The Secret Show Thursday. Yeah, I'd love that.

Oh, look at that. Thank you so much, guys. You thought the ceilings were high for you. Wait until you're 4'10". And at an angle like that. There he goes, the hunch crack of Notre Dame, everybody. Hell yeah. You already got joked, but look at him fucking crip walking out of here. What a stud.

Unbelievable. You guys having fun tonight, huh? Jack Horner comedy on social media. There he goes. And another name out of the bucket. We're getting through a lot of bucket pulls tonight. A lot of new faces. Make some noise for Jackson Leon, everybody. Jackson Leon, live here on Kill Tony. What's up, y'all?

I've never gotten a tattoo in my life, so I've been thinking about getting a tattoo. My favorite quote. It's, comparison is the thief of joy. I'm going to put it right above my penis just so these women know. When I was younger, me and my mom were watching The Karate Kid. And it's that scene where the old man's teaching the kid slave labor, you know? It was the first movie. I'm not talking about Jaden Smith like that. But...

You know, it's wax on, wax off. My mom, moment of brilliance, she goes, oh, it's like jacks on, jacks off. I thought it was funny, so I went and told all my friends. I'm in ninth grade. In the next four years, everyone's talking about my masturbation addiction. It's really fucked up. Teachers are like, people are saying you're jacking off in school. No, I jacked off in school. Tried it once. It's not really fun to do that institutionalized. How many of y'all fuck with blue chew? We got boner gum now. It's pretty sick. I like to use it.

But I like to use it for pranks. I prank my friends because I gave it to them a few times and now I just give them normal blue gum and suck their hard dick. Thank you. Jackson Leon. Welcome to the show, Jackson. It's so exciting to have two Stavroses on stage at the same time. I don't know what the fuck is going on. I don't know what you did, Stavros, but you have all these people thinking they can do stand-up. Welcome to the Stavrosverse.

Holy shit. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. Look at this. It's just one after the other. This is incredible. 20 more years. It is incredible. Stoppers, you are better looking than all of them, though. I will let you know. You look like you're filled with vitamins. He has that red band gray tint to him. He does, yeah.

You don't get a lot of sunlight, do you? Not a lot of vitamin D, huh? You stay indoors? I deliver pizza, so I'm inside the car all day. Deliver pizza, and then what do you do when you're at home?

eat some of that leftover pizza. Hell yeah. Can I ask one question? Who do you think you're fooling with a tucked in shirt is what I'd like to ask. As a fellow fat guy, there we go. It's an issue. Look at that body. It's an issue. We're trying to hide it with the t-shirt. A man who delivers pizza and when at home eats pizza. A true life of pie you're living. It's incredible. Oh yeah.

How long have you been doing this pizza on pizza on pizza lifestyle? I've worked at a few different pizza places. Oh, wow. So this is incredible. This is actually, can you name some of the past pizza places? Shout out, Due North Pizza, Two Harbors, second place out of two pizza places in town. Wow. Okay, name some more. Domino's Pizza. Oh, okay. And then the other Domino's Pizza that I work on now. Wow. Okay.

So a true Domino's guy, through and through. Absolutely. How long have you been doing stand-up? A year now. A year. All of it here in Austin, Texas? Six months here. Six months here. Where were you at before that? First set I did was in D.C. I moved down here from Minnesota, so I did a handful of sets up there. Now I'm here. Absolutely. What do you love about Austin? Well, way more comedy opportunities than pretty much anywhere else.

Right now the weather's fucking nice, although all summer that was unbearable. Yeah, people like you have a rough summer here. Oh, fucking yeah, dude. What did you do to survive it? For a month I lived right across the street from Parton Creek and got brain eating amoeba and cooled down. So you would go into the creek?

I didn't have a shower for that month either, so yeah. Wow. How did you not have a shower? I could go to Anytime Fitness and shower. I paid them. Anytime Fitness? Yeah. Is this a thing? Yeah. Homeless people actually get gym memberships just to use their shower and stink up the fucking place. Okay. Thank you, Red Band. That's why I don't go to the gym, man. There you go. Absolutely. Whatever it takes.

Anytime fitness. God, what a dump. It's incredible. Did you ever do anything else there? Did fitness sometimes, but... Like what kind of fitness did you do? Can you give us a breakdown of your type of full pizza? Tony likes to do fitness penis in his mouth. A lot. It is true. Hell yeah. It is true. Not actually, but hell yeah. I go to the gym just to do push-backs.

That's when I grind. All right. All right. There you go. You know what that sound means, everybody. Okay. What's your love life like? Is there any goth obese woman that is crawling into your car with you? No, it's pre-pandemic. It's been a while. Pre-pandemic? Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness. Wow. My goodness. Pre-pan. Yeah, we're just rolling, dude.

What do you mean? I mean, this is just life. Okay, what do you mean? Like, I ain't even trying to get a relationship. I'm just trying to, you know, deliver pies, make a little money. Hell yeah. Makes the people laugh. Stacking bread, brother. Yeah, stacking bread. I'm going to... Sorry, I just... I see this man, it's in his... Just step one, get bigger shirts. That's what's going to happen, right? Yeah.

You're not a large anymore, brother. That is fair. You need a couple X's in there, all right? That's number one. Just fit. Clothes that fit. You'll be surprised how much more you'll believe in yourself, you know? When you're not scared, your fucking little belly's going to pop out. You know what I mean?

All right. Yeah. That's step one. And then also maybe a place with a shower, maybe step two. Yeah. No doubt about it. I have one now. Huh? I have one now. I mean, that vest you're wearing as well seems ridiculously small. Do those buttons button? Is that possible? Let's hear the drum roll. Let's see these fucking buttons. Let's go. All right. This is the moment. Oh, look at that sucking. Oh, shit. Whoa.

Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. I want you to button all those buttons, and then we're going to try to make you laugh and see if we can't bust these fucking things. Oh, my God, ladies and gentlemen. It's like a corset. It's like a corset for a fucking white trash guy. Oh, my God.

Get over here. Face me. Face me. Let me see that shit. Oh, my God. Can you do the top one? Can we get the top one? Uh-oh. Welcome to another episode of No Fucking Chance. No chance. Oh, my God. Come on. Come on. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Oh, there goes the mic. He needs two hands for this. Oh, my God. Stavros is going to help him. Woo! Woo!

Oh my god. He might die, ladies and gentlemen. He's getting rear naked choked by a fucking shirt right now. Oh, it's impossible. Okay. Now let me ask you this. Stick with me over here, Jackson. Do you think now... Those are like... That looks like a teddy bear's clothes, dude. Looks like you stole that off a mannequin. Of a fucking ventriloquist's dummy. Yeah.

Do you think it's possible for you to like get fat right now and blow those buttons? Cover your eyes. Flex. We're good, baby. It's a little bit stretchy. A little bit stretchy. Absolutely incredible. I can pull it off, bro. Hell yeah, dude. I'm sticking single XL. Yeah, okay. Is that what that is? One X? Yes, sir. Gotta be two. Gotta be two, bro.

Yep. You got bumped up to another axe. And you will be leaving here with an extra large joke book tonight. Just because I liked your interview. I like your style. There he goes. Jackson Leon, everybody. All right. Another bucket pool. We're flying through them tonight. Make some noise for Ali Musa, everybody. He's been on this show before. It's the return of Ali Musa. Here's Ali Musa, everyone. Free me up.

All right, so I've been going to the gym a lot lately. This weird shit happened at the gym where I walked in the bathroom and I noticed that somebody carved on the wall. They didn't write it. They carved it like it was a tree, so I knew they meant it. It said, I love cock. I don't think it's funny either. I thought it was inappropriate though, so I did the gym a solid and I changed it to something more appropriate. So I changed it from I love cock to I love to cook.

It's easier than you think. You change the second C to an O. You squeeze in a two after love. I love to cook. Went back the next day, you guys. I walked in the bathroom and it said, I love to cook cock. I was like, what the fuck? I couldn't let him win, so I changed it to I love to cook cookies. I was like, game, set, match, motherfucker. Went back the next day and there was just a big swastika with the N word. They win, I guess. Shit. All right.

There it is, Ali Musa. Yes.

You get up on this show a lot. This is like my fifth time. Yeah, that's incredible. Are you this lucky in real life as well? No, not at all. Right, I could tell by your face. Yes, of course. It is incredible. My face went viral from a clip on here. Yeah? Someone sent me this video of when I did this Ben Shapiro joke, and it had 400,000 views in like three days, and I was like, hell yeah, I've made it. I read the comments. The top comment said, he looks like if Lord Farquaad fucked Danny Trejo. Yeah.

That is true. That is true. Yeah. It is unbelievable. It is incredible. Your look is incredible. We've covered this before when you've been on this show. I think I've described you. You called me a melting magician last time or something. A melting magician. A melting magician, yes. I agree with that as well. No doubt about it. This is why Zorro wore a mask. Right. Yes. Yes.

It's a frightening, frightening face. You have to deal with it all the time. Right. You might recognize Ali famous for being under your bed when you were a child. Right.

It's weird because I didn't always look like this. I've aged oddly. I don't know what it is. It is absolutely incredible. It's a good face to have when it's Halloween and you don't have to do shit. You just go out dressed like that. I just go out as Inigo Montoya and then it just works. My costume is Antonio Banderas with jaundice. Yeah.

What's your love life like with a face like that? Is that a fetish or women into fucking fright? Right. I don't know. I hooked up with a lot of big girls, like I said last time. Okay. Hooked up with a girl in San Antonio who looked like a soap opera with legs. So that's where I'm at right now. Okay. I don't know what that reference is, but Michael Gonzalez is dying, so it checks out. It's going to hit hard with the Mexicans. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yep.

All right. And that was in San Antonio? Yes. Okay. A while back. All right. Well, how about currently? Like the last chick you hooked up with, what was that like? Last chick I hooked up with was in Arizona and it was just boring and it was my face. So like, I mean, do you really want that visual, guys? I mean. It was your face? I mean, just, you want to picture me hooking up with someone with this face? Is what I'm saying.

Okay. All right, I'm bombing now. Great. Do you have any more voices? Like, do you have a new voice that you can do us? Oh, I do voices on here all the time. I've done all the best ones I feel like. Oh, I can kind of do the professor from The Simpsons. All right. We've really run out of your voices. Let's hear it real quick. Here we are on the Kill Tony podcast, the most popular podcast ever.

in a live setting, live and lay. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Here's some Zip-X toothpicks. You've been on this show a bunch of times. Love to be on the secret show. Allie Musa, everybody. There he goes. Give me that name over there. Got another bucket full. We're flying through them tonight. Make some noise for your next comedian. One minute uninterrupted going to Tyler Gilbert, everybody. Tyler Gilbert, here we go.

You guys still having fun? You want me to end the show? What's going on out there? Tyler Gilbert, everybody. Hey, guys. I'm from a small town in Idaho, but for the last couple years, I was living in the big city, Boise. We have 11 homeless people there, and even they sleep in a bed every night, so I don't even know how homeless they are. Here, I get off work on 6th Street, and I'm literally like, oh, fuck. Sorry, man. They're just everywhere out here.

The other thing is homeless people here, oof. Homeless means you don't have a home. These people don't have six months left. And no one gives a shit, which is fine. Homeless dude the other night, he's like wrapped up in a beach towel. He's just like... He didn't actually have any teeth, but I could hear his gum slapping together. And then five feet away, some homeless... Sorry, some girl's like, this Uber's taking forever. This night fucking sucks.

Like, have a heart, you know? I gave that guy 20 bucks, and let me tell you, those gums felt fucking nice. All right, guys, that's going to be my minute. Thank you so much. All right. There he is, Tyler Gilbert. How's it going, Tyler? Good, good. Nervous. Yeah, you're nervous. How long have you been doing stand-up? About three weeks now. About three weeks. That is incredible. Oh, some lady loves you. Is that your mom? No, no, it's not. No, I know.

Oh, there's one. We found one. We're looking for a female comedian. This is how many names I had to go through because we haven't had a female up tonight. I literally was paying no attention to your stupid set the entire time. Deeply affects the outcome of your entire career this moment. It was decided by us trying to balance the scales of justice.

That's fate. I don't know. A white man being held back by a diverse lineup. You have no idea what I'm up against being so white. Yeah, it's tough out here. You have a rag attached to your leg right now. Are you? I work at Shakespeare's. Okay. Yeah, yeah. How old are you? 24. 24. And you're over there, what, bussing, bartending? What's going on? Door guy. Yep. A little bit of everything, but yeah, door guy.

How long have you lived in Austin? Three weeks. Three weeks. You moved here three weeks ago, got a job at Shakespeare's, and here you are on Kill Tony. Yep, that's right, yeah. So you came to Austin to start stand-up comedy. I actually had a lifelong dream of being a door guy at Shakespeare's. That's very funny. Where'd you move from? Boise, Idaho. Right, that's right. Just not listening at all. And there you were. No, I was. What'd you do there? I was a wildland firefighter up there.

Yeah. What kind of firefighter? Wildland. Wildland. What does that mean exactly? So when the wildland lights on fire, we go out there with... Can you describe to us what exactly wildland is? I mean, Idaho's a little bit different. Is wildland where, what, a black person lives or something like that? No, it's fucking wild out there.

We don't go to that part. We make sure we don't have any of those out there. I know, that's true. That's true. But yeah, forest fires, forest land, BLM land. Not that BLM. Bureau of Land Management. Oh, there you go. It comes full circle. Absolutely. Absolutely. The BLM that really matters. You know what I mean? The Bureau of Land and Measurements or whatever the fuck you say.

So 24, tell us what it's like being a 24-year-old in today's society. You on TikTok? No. You out here chasing Pokemon? I'm actually okay with all of that because if those pussies are my competition, then it's going pretty good. Fuck yeah, dude. There was a guy up here. Hell yeah, brother. You're a real fucking tough guy. All right.

Really, though, it is hard to hang out with people my age. It is. It's tough. Yeah. Why? Because they're pussies. Yeah. Fucking tough guy. What the fuck are you talking about? Describe to us some ways that you're not a pussy. Give us some of the toughest things about you, Tyler.

I fucking work out. I drink Jameson. I don't complain about bullshit. I don't really know. Give us some real ones. Keep going. Come on. Keep going? Keep it real, Tyler. Keep it honest. You don't have to be silly here. I want to know real tough guy things about you. There was a guy up here earlier that had cerebral palsy whose dick is three times bigger than yours. So you have a lot of catching up to do. Yeah.

Well, I can't promise everyone that I have a big dick. I guess you'll have to take my word for it. But I don't know. I guess I just don't complain about little things. I don't know. I don't know what makes me... Don't complain about little things. Participation trophies, dude. Fuck. You ever do anything gay before? This was a question that came up a couple weeks ago. We had a lot of fun with it.

I have not done anything remotely gay. That's kind of not believable. I've never done anything remotely gay. I don't believe you. I fuck women, dude. Sure you do. Barback Mountain over here. Tony has a button he presses. He just falls to the floor. Get him out of here! Six.

Give me something gay or give me nothing at all. No joke book for you. I love it. Okay, what's the straightest thing you've ever done? Probably having sex with a woman. Not a couple times. Yeah.

That's about it. Yeah, you have any special moves in the bedroom or anything like that? 24-year-old? I'd imagine you're a massive premature ejaculator. Yeah, it's pretty quick. It's like, have you ever seen like a bull, like, mate? It's just like one big, like, and then, yeah, that's about it. Fuck, yeah, I'm hard as a rock right now.

So interesting. So it's true, you do come really fast. Is there something you try to do to prevent that? Do you think of anything or anyone? I definitely don't open my eyes or kiss them or touch them in any way. Sounds really straight to me. Take it back, man. You sound straight as hell.

Hell yeah. That's what I do when I'm with women, too. The Hinchcliffe method. It's Peyton Manning.

Unbelievable, Tyler. Absolutely incredible. Okay, three weeks here in Austin. You came from Idaho, which is fucking nothing burger land of fucking nothing. So three weeks, what's the craziest thing you've seen working on 6th Street in three weeks? A lot of whorish activity out there. Oh, yes. A lot of that. Tell us more. Describe it. I actually met a girl last night.

She was like, "You should come over and stay the night." And I was like, "Cool, where do you live?" She told me she lives in Dallas. I don't have a car.

She told me I could take the train there, which I think would be the most down, bad way to get pussy. Just take a train. But those are the kind of women that are out here, though, is take a train and fuck me kind of people. From Barback to Amtrak. I love it. The night changes very quickly. I'm sorry. You met her here. Yep. And she was like, come to Dallas. Yeah.

But she was here. Yeah. How did she get to doubt? She was going to drive back and ask you to take a train? Well, she was staying with her friend, but she was like, you should come over in the next couple days. Gotcha, gotcha. She couldn't have sucked you off then and there? That's what I suggested, but no. I thought that would have been a lot easier for everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree. But the train ticket has been bought, so yeah. Yeah.

There you go. All right, Tyler, congratulations. Welcome to the show. Welcome to Austin, Texas. You're three weeks in. There's a little joke book. Whoa. That's not a good sign, folks. Not a good sign for his future. Bad omen. There he goes. Tyler Gilbert, everybody. Okay. And I had to go through about 50 or 60 names to be able to find our first and only female comedian of the night. Oh, Celia was up.

You son of a bitch. You are worthless at your job. I asked you. Shut up, dude. I asked you, dude. Well, we're going to knock it out anyway. Make some noise for Carly Anderson, everybody. Here we go. I'm bisexual, but you already knew that. I look like the kind of girl that would go, hey, smell my finger.

I just recently figured out that there are different types of vaginas. What I mean by this is some are a little more organized than others, and some are like the kid in school that would just shove a bunch of papers in his backpack. It's cool, she still does her homework. I went on a date with a Zodiac girl recently who asked to guess my Zodiac sign. I was like, "Yeah, sure, go ahead." She's like, "You're a Taurus, right?" I'm like, "Yeah, how'd you know, you fucking witch?"

She's like, oh, I can tell because you have broad shoulders. I'm like, oh, interesting. Are you a Libra by chance? Because you're a huge cunt. Oh, that's my time. Thanks. All right. 50 seconds from Carly Anderson. Welcome. You've been on this show before, right, Carly? Yeah, I have. You flirted with Theo Vaughn. I did flirt with Theo Vaughn, yeah. Same haircut. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, he did not respond. I bet. He was not buying what you were selling. No, he was not. It was humbling. So in this world of buy, what's the, you bought 50-50 guys to girls? How does that work for you? I would say 80-20 guys to girls, 80% guys. That sounds about right, the thing that nature intended for you. Right. Right.

So the 20% when it's a girl, is that just when a guy's mean to you? And you're like, I just need someone to emotionally connect with and maybe we'll finger each other too. Right, right, when I'm down bad. Like a lesbian, it almost seems like it's just having a vibrator that's a human. Kind of like hanging out with a toy.

No, I think I just have such a specific type in women that I don't come across often. And that's where that 20% is. Describe that 20% of women to us. This guy's going to jerk off right now. Nice, dude. I don't know. A little bit tattoo covered, little Austin, gothy, but like hip. Gothy, but hip, but not liberal. And that's hard to find. Wow.

Why does that matter? You're just going to eat her pussy. Who cares how she votes? I don't know. All of them are red at least one week out of the month. The rare conservative period joke, everybody. Hell yeah. Yeah, definitely the tattoos and the alternative looking women, but not like in your face about politics and...

Right, that's so interesting that you're a right-leaning bisexual. I know, it's really such a treat, honestly.

Okay. So what's your favorite experience with a woman that you've ever had? Were you in a relationship at one point perhaps? Maybe something that lasted more than four or five days until the arguing absolutely took over everything because it's impossible for those things to sustain and they don't really exist in normal society. People try to make it look like they do so they can make themselves seem more interesting than they actually are.

Keep going. Go ahead. Female relationships move a little too fast. Like, a month in lesbian is like a year in straight. Like, it's too fast. So I don't typically...

find another girl that's willing to move at a healthy pace. That's why you need liberal bitches. They're not trying to fight. You want a Republican with tattoos that's trying to get married? No, dude. No, not even that. Some godless tattooed whore. That's what you need. You're right. Anyone out there? Hello? No one's slower than a liberal lady.

It's true. Okay. So Carly, 80% guys, 20% girls. We covered that. What do you do for a living? I am a stripper. Really? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I know. Like a, what a, like a, okay. Okay.

He's like, I'm sorry. Like a paint stripper? What are we talking about here? I can't imagine. No, I get on the pole, dude. Really? So you're a full-time stripper. I am, yeah. That is incredible. How long have you been doing that for? Six months. Six months. You love it?

I love the money of it, obviously, but I don't know. I find it really entertaining, to say the least. Right. Okay. What's the most money you've made in one night? $5,000. Nice. Wow. And so what did you have to do for that to happen? So if you've ever been to a strip club, you know they have the back room cabanas. And they're pretty pricey. It's about $1,200 an hour.

So I just got a few hours with this dude and he was heavily autistic. He wanted to know every little detail about the job and my life and we just talked music and food and travel. And he actually paid me to go put my regular people clothes on. That sounds about right. Yeah. That's what I would pay you to do. Yeah.

Put some regular people clothes on and put this dildo on the inside of your pants. My kind of strip club. And say your name is Uncle Laser. Can we see some moves? Can we see some stripper moves? I literally stopped you from doing that a minute ago. You are retarded. Red band,

you don't view my Instagram story. There's not a fucking button on that board that's going to save you right now. I don't know what you're planning on hitting. Do not hit that. There's a comedy show going on.

Oh my God. A rough episode for Red Band tonight. Oh my goodness. I'm never not wearing a hat again. That's what happens. That's what it is? Yeah. That's what you think it is? That's what I think it is. Oh man. I love it.

I love it. Well, Carly, fun times, great stuff. Yeah, you know what? It doesn't seem like, maybe we should, can you show us what you move like on stage? Can we actually see that? Just hit music, hit it. Turn it up, Red Band. I'm not a winner.

Yeah, it's as bad as life. Stop there. Stop there. I'm going to give you... Do you have a big joke book already? I don't. No, yeah. Here you go. You got one now. Boom. There she goes. Carly Anderson, everybody. By the way... Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. No, no. I just love that we're like, we got to get a woman on. We have to get some women up, do comedy. And then Red Band's like, maybe shake your tits at us real fast. Yeah. Yeah.

I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Whoa, look at that. I'll be there. Look at that. Hell yeah. Absolutely. All right. Hello. How's it going over there? Okay, well, we've come to that point of the show, ladies and gentlemen, where there's nothing else we could possibly do. I mean, we've been through it all tonight. Did you guys have fun tonight? Yeah!

We've come to that hour where there's only one person in the world that could possibly put a ribbon on this thing. He's the record holder for all-time appearances in the history of the show, an absolute legend of the game, the only living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Some people call him the Tijuana Tarantula, the Memphis Strangler, the Harlem Globetrotter, the Brooklyn Brawler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. Ladies and gentlemen, this is him, the man himself, William Montgomery, everybody. Whoo!

I'm also bisexual, but y'all already knew that. Melania Trump was critiqued for being the only first lady not wearing black at former first lady Rosalyn Carter's funeral. But to be fair, Melania thought that no longer being married to a president was something to celebrate.

New York Congressman George Santos just got kicked out of Congress for lying and stealing, which honestly surprised the hell out of me because I thought lying and stealing were job requirements for being a U.S. Congressman. His mom died in the Holocaust and his dad was the Pope. Show the guys some respect, America. Yeah.

Recently, a skydiver got decapitated when he jumped out of the plane. Rip cord more like RIP spinal cord. Several months ago, a woman was arrested for using a vibrator on a Georgia beach, and last week she was found dead in her apartment from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. Red band, I just want to express my deepest condolences about your mom, dude. You bitch.

Okay, that's my time. William Montgomery with one minute and 25 seconds of absolute thunder and lightning, as always, an imposing force. He's done it more than anybody. He continues to do it at such a high pace. The crowd... God, shut up! What the fuck is going on?

Seriously, don't fuck this up! Whoever's doing that. Whatever dumbass is doing that, stop. William is fired up right from the get. A lot of extra energy tonight. Cancer fully gone. Full cancer survivor. Two-time cancer survivor. I am the best pound-for-pound fucking cancer fighter the doctor had ever seen. That's true. That is true. That was actually a lie, you dumbasses. Holy shit.

William, absolutely murdering. Everything you set up here was true tonight. An amazing performance. Stavros, you've seen William before, correct? Yeah, cute guy.

You got a twinkle in your eye. I love it, dude. Stavros, that honestly is probably one of the best things I could have heard because I swear to God, I've been watching this whole thing up in the green room and I was thinking to myself, you're kind of a cute guy as well. Thank you, man. That's awesome. I'm serious. That really just brightened up my night. I'm in the stairwell back there before the thing. I got a little too high. I'm getting real nervous. I'm thinking I'm going to bomb. I like that.

But you saying that right now, seriously, thank you so much. Of course, man. You're welcome. And thank you for saying that about me, too. Yeah, for sure. Oh, my gosh. And Stavros, I promise that first thing I said on my thing tonight, I am bisexual. So maybe after the show. Yeah, I could watch Tony blow you. Was that seven, eight? Six or seven. That's good. You couldn't handle that, dude. It's hot.

William, if you were to do something with Stavros tonight, if you were to take him back to your place and romance him, let's say that your girlfriend was out of town, what would you do with Stavros? Stavros, I would bend your ass over the couch! Wow, okay. Straight into it. No foreplay whatsoever. No kissing.

Just jam it on in there. Just spit on my hand, put my hand up in your butthole, just fuck you. I don't like that, man. That doesn't sound good to me. Gotta romance him a little bit. Just fucking throw your fucking ass around right when we get up in there. Start spitting on my fucking hands. Just fucking take your pants off, dude, and fuck you. I don't want you to fuck my ass, William. Fuck.

Well, maybe we could get to that point at some point later on. I don't know. You're right. Such an interesting order of events. Spit on your hands and then have him take his pants off. Yeah. Very interesting. Isn't that how you do it, Tony? I mean, I... Yes, it is. Why aren't you laughing, bitch? That's the funniest thing I've said in my life, bitch! Do something with your man, bitch. He's fucking something...

It is. There's a beta version of Andrew Tate in the front row here. A very low testosterone Andrew Tate with his arms crossed. Real good look. Real cool guy you are. Yeah, let me see your fingers, dude. Cool.

William, you are on fire tonight. What is going on with you tonight? You have a bundle of energy to you. You're fired up. It's that cereal. I swear to God, I have been taking so many shits just the past week. The All Brand Buds. I, again, highly recommend the All Brand Buds. Christmas spirit. Man, you sound dumb as fuck tonight, dude. Fucking idiot. Yeah.

Wear that purple, you bitch. What the fuck? William Montgomery, one of the most...

unbelievable forces of nature in the show's history. Hold on, what did you just say, bitch? What are you fucking talking about? Oh, shit. I was staring at your fucking dude right there, and then you start talking. I was thinking, y'all look fucking weird. Yeah. Don't they a little bit? It is an adorable couple. You guys live about 40, 50 minutes away from here, am I correct? Somewhere like that? St. Louis, yep, okay, perfect. The real burbs.

Fake and shake. Okay. So, William, what else is going on this week? Anything else other than the all fiber brand buds? That's pretty much it, Tony. No, I'm just getting prepared for next week doing the shows in Rosemont, Chicago. We're going to see how it goes, Tony. Yes.

I'm a little worried. Things have been kind of not looking good for me recently. I got this job working for this. It's a place where you can play putt-putt. It's a place where you can play laser tag. It's a place where they have these go-karts, and I was in line to becoming the top guy, Tony, at the go-kart track. And then I get this fucking phone call from this fucking private number the other night, and they're like, we're not...

You're not getting hired. What are you looking for, Red Band? Yeah, I know. He's so retarded. It's unbelievable. It's an incredibly incredible episode for Red Band. He will literally do anything to crush any momentum or setup of anything that anyone else is doing tonight. Literally did not do anything. I know, but what could you possibly be looking up while he's doing a setup like that? That was about to be the funniest thing I said all night. What were you about to do? Nothing. I was not. I was just looking for something. Flying through a soundboard?

That's what I do here. Yeah, I know. And then you hit... Okay. You suck, Redman. Fucking period app. So keep going. Keep going. No, you suck tonight. It's not a period. By the way, I have a period app and every time he acts like a dick, I put it on the period app and it adds up. You're bombing again. I have a period app, everybody. A period app. You suck at your job. And when you do suck... It's called PC. Look at it. Dude, nobody gives a shit. All you do is bomb. I'm confused. What are you?

Are you even talking about? Are you going to edit in laughter after these things you do tonight? Why don't you just stop talking? Take the beating that you deserve.

And then we move on. Put your phone down, dumbass! Sometimes you're great. Tonight was just not one of your nights. It happens sometimes. I have to say the last word again. It's unbelievable. You know, you've always been right about him, William. I've never said that, but I've always agreed with you. I've enjoyed it. That's why I've never stopped it. Stopped the momentum of the entire thing. I'm just curious. You're a putt-putt?

Yeah, keep going about the putt-putt thing. It has laser tag, it has putt-putt, it has golf carts. What else? Laser tag, putt-putt, a lot of arcade games, all different kinds of stuff you could do inside in there. And I get this call from this private number and they're like, William, we're sorry, we were looking at all the resumes. There's somebody who has just a better record than you right now and...

So they chose the other guys. So Tony, I don't know. I might have to cancel the sets in Chicago. I might have to move back to Memphis. I think I might be done with all this shit. That's kind of the writing on the wall. Things have been going real bad with us. I don't get the fucking job. I might have to move back in with Larry and Francis in Memphis, Tony. So I didn't even want to bring this up. Wow. And that's because you're in second place at the laser tag and putt-putt. Yeah, I didn't get the job, Tony. Wow.

That sucks, dude. You know what else sucks? Me, because I'm gay. Amen. Amen, brother. William, anything else before we put a ribbon on this entire thing? Whoa, look at that. The crowd goes wild. They absolutely love it. One of your many branding tricks that you have up your sleeve. Hooty-hoo! Hooty-hoo! Hooty-hoo!

Shut up! What the fuck? Ah, somebody get those Mexicans out of here. Holy shit, how'd they get so close to the stage? They really are. You would think they would stop interrupting, but odds are that they ain't never gonna stop interrupting! We did it again. There goes the great and powerful William Montgomery, everybody.

Stavros Halkeis, everybody. Fat Rascals out right now. Make some noise for Stavros.

Thanks, guys. Go watch it right fucking now on Netflix. Jailblaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Off from ConnectMobileHealth.com, Ninja Party Buses, Austin Security Guard Service. Make some noise for the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Paul Deamer on the horns, Matt Muehling on the electric, John Dees on the keys, and D Madness on the bass guitar. The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in. He draws every episode while it is happening. Super fucking cool. RyanJEbelt.com for that.

or killmerch.com for all your Kill Tony merch. Check out The Secret Show at the Sunset Strip, ATX.com every Thursday. Love you. There he goes. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much, everyone. Thank you.

How about one more time for Red Band, everybody? Come on. Now that we're off the air. One more time for Red Band, everyone. ♪

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