Chapters
Shownotes Transcript
This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. All our merch can be found for Kill Tony at KillMerch.com. Tony's on a brand new tour. He's going all over the place. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony.
And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called The Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Kill Tony Band, and the secret show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at sunsetstripatx.com. And now a brand new episode of Kill Tony. ♪♪
Hey, this is Red Babe coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Henscliff! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?
Yeah, make some noise for Red Band, everybody. You did it. You made it. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony, brought to you by Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Connect Mobile Health,
where you can use the promo code KILL10 and get 10% off your IV drip. Full recovery here in Austin, Texas. NinjaPartyBuses.com where you can reserve your ride to the arena on the 30th and 31st sold out shows in Austin, Texas for this show. How about that? Do an arena. It's pretty cool, right? And you're here in a fucking, basically a tiny box with us. Hull Law Firm and Austin Security Guard Service. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, everybody? Thank you.
That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deamer on the horns. Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. The great John Dees on the keys. And the undeniable Dee Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. Live in the flesh. A lot of fun stuff happening tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. ♪♪
Hey, y'all. The weather is cooling down, but the action on the field is staying hot. And we have teamed up with DraftKings, an official sports betting partner of the NFL, to get you in on the action. New customers can bet just five bucks to score $150 instantly in bonus bets. I love DraftKings. I use DraftKings. We were out all weekend using DraftKings, the Buckeyes games, the UFC, everything. We love DraftKings.
If you're already signed up with DraftKings like we have, you can now get a no-sweat bet. That means you get your bonus bet back if your same game parlay doesn't hit. If you're a fan of a couple teams and want to bet on all of them, combine multiple bets together for a shot at an even bigger payout. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now. New customers who use our promo code KILLTONY
and bet $5 will get $150 in bonus bets instantly. That's promo code KILLTONY only at DraftKings Sportsbook.
Hey y'all, have you been naughty or nice this year? Santa may not see all your late night searches this year, red band, but if your internet service provider can, gift yourself the gift of privacy with ExpressVPN. There are hundreds of VPNs out there, but the reason we use ExpressVPN is because it's ridiculously fast, there's never any buffering,
It's great. When you travel, when you're on the road, even when you're at a coffee shop, you've got to protect yourself. And private mode doesn't keep your activity private. Your internet provider can see all the websites you've clicked on. Because we use ExpressVPN, all our traffic gets routed through an encrypted server. It gets rerouted. Oh, man.
Because we use ExpressVPN, all of our traffic gets rerouted through an encrypted server, so all of our browsing activity stays between me and God. ExpressVPN's apps work on all of our devices, phones, tablets, laptops, whatever. All we do is tap one button to turn it on, and we're protected. So take yourself off the naughty list with the number one rated VPN.
Visit ExpressVPN.com slash Kill Tony and get three extra months of ExpressVPN for free. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N.com slash Kill Tony. ExpressVPN.com slash Kill Tony to learn more.
Hey, everybody. When you're busy shopping for presents and hosting your family for dinner and recovering from the annual Christmas party, you'll need to stay hydrated. Stock up on Liquid IV so you're ready for the holiday rush. Now available in sugar-free, Liquid IV has three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink plus 8%.
vitamins, and nutrients to keep you going. With just one stick mixed with water, you'll be hydrated two times faster than just water alone. Red band. Oh, man. I always keep a couple on me. You just have that little packet. You put it in a little water bottle, shake it, and mmm.
Yum, yum. It has no artificial sweeteners, zero sugar, no gluten, dairy, soy, or GMOs. You're making a great choice for your health as well as your hydration. Grab your Liquid IV Hydration Multiplier Sugar-Free in bulk nationwide at Costco or you can get 20% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use code TONY at checkout. That's 20% off anything you order when you shop better hydration today using promo code TONY at liquidiv.com.
Hey, y'all. Keep yourself out of the kitchen this holiday season with Factor, America's number one ready-to-eat meal kit. Factor delivers chef-prepared, dietician-approved meals straight to your door. They're always fresh, never frozen. Just heat them up for two minutes and dinner is served. Choose from over 35 weekly meal options. Enjoy premium ingredients like broccolini, leeks, truffle butter, and asparagus. Arrgh!
Red band. I just had the shredded chicken taco bowl today. It was amazing. Did you? Yes. I did. Can't you tell? Burp. Yummy. You can choose a lot of different meals, though. They have vegan, vegetarian, keto, calorie smart, and protein plus meal options. No matter what your goals are, factor in.
Factor can help you get there. Head to factormeals.com slash killtony50 and use code killtony50 to get 50% off. That's code killtony50 at factormeals.com slash killtony50 to get 50% off.
Man, oh man, I don't know what you're looking forward to on the holiday season, but smooth balls are the gift that just keeps on giving. Manscaped makes sure your grooming is in check with a fresh launch just in time for the holidays. Their new performance package 5.0 Ultra includes the Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra Body Trimmer, the Weed Whacker 2.0 Ear and Nose Trimmer, their Crop Soother Aftershave Lotion, and Crop Preserver Blender.
Ball deodorant. Red Bat. I love it. And what a perfect gift for the holidays. I'm going to get my dad and maybe my mom one of these things. Wow. I use it all the time, especially the ear and nose trimmer. That thing grows so fast. Anyways, the Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra does all the heavy lifting with two next-gen blade heads. It's even waterproof, so you can knock out your shaving routine while you're in the shower. That's right.
scrub up on your donner and your blitzen this holiday season that's right get 20 off and free shipping with the code kill tony all one word at manscape.com that's code kill tony and manscape.com 20 off with free shipping at manscape.com and use the code kill tony
Hey, y'all. This episode of Kill Tony is brought to you by Zippix Toothpicks. Zippix brings you a totally satisfying, convenient, and flavorful way to curb cravings, get a boost of energy, or simply relax at the end of your day. I absolutely love these things. Use them on the airplane all the time and anywhere else where...
I can't smoke cigarettes. I mean, you guys know what it is. Remember when massive vape clouds, ashtrays, and dip spit were awesome? Now there's an easier, cheaper, less messy, and more subtle way to curb your cravings with Zippix toothpicks. The best part about Zippix is that you really can use them anywhere. With 2 milligrams per pick and some 3 milligram options, Zippix toothpicks are long-lasting, extremely affordable, and available in 6...
Delicious flavor choices, Red Band. You know, I've been subscribed to Zippix for over a year, like two years. Before they became a sponsor, I've been using Zippix. They are amazing because I love, you know, I suck my thumb still. I love boobs. And it's a part of the oral gratification that my mom somehow transferred to my brain. And it's amazing sucking on these toothpicks with flavors that keep me coming back alive.
to Zippix. Also, if you need a boost of energy, try their Zip Energy B12 and Caffeine Toothpicks. No doubt about it. You guys have seen us use Zippix on the podcast. Now it's time to find out for yourself. Go to ZippixToothpicks.com today and use code KILLTONY10 to get 10% off your order. That's ZippixToothpicks.com. Promo code KILLTONY10. Must be 21 or older to purchase. Zip more. Smoke less with Zippix Toothpicks. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?
Every single week, sometimes it's one, sometimes it's two, sometimes it's three. There's been upwards of six guests on here at a time. This week is a special one.
My goodness. One guest needed. One guest only. Literally, without a doubt, one of the most legendary guests in the history of the show. One of the greatest comedians on planet Earth. Our guest tonight is Austin's own Tim Dillon. Fuck yes. Make some fucking noise for Tim Dillon. Yeah.
On a Monday night in beautiful Austin, Texas. Tim Dillon, fresh off of Carnegie Hall. Oh yeah, thank you. Touring the world. Thank you, I just got back. I was a hostage in the Middle East.
You're just kind of doing my part. I love it. You're absolutely everywhere. And now you are here. We couldn't be happier. I'm excited. You know the show. You know it well. You've done it in the belly room, the main room, fucking everywhere that we've done it in Austin, Texas, Vulcan Gas Company. Maybe there was another place. I don't remember. I don't know.
And here at the Mothership, very, very exciting. We're gonna have a lot of fun. Luckily, you know how it works. I don't have to explain it, but just in case somebody brought a wonky girlfriend or something that doesn't know how it works, a ton of people signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage.
If I pull their name out, you know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which interrupts them and leads us into the interview portion of the show where we find out more about them and what makes them special. You guys ready to start the show? Well, you know, I could go to the bucket and I will in order to pre-pick and we're going to grab the person from next door. That looks like a good one.
And they're going to be waiting. But in the meanwhile, we're going to start the show with one of our esteemed regulars, everybody. You know him. You love him. I present to you the man defending his regularship on New Year's Eve. This is the great Hans Kim, everybody. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. Here I am.
Thank you guys. Good to be here. I love it when there's a conflict in the Middle East because I get to find out which of my friends I thought were Mexican. I shouldn't be flying with. I've been getting a lot of hate online for my jokes about the Israel-Palestine conflict. A lot of people online have been calling me a Jew hater, which I hate because for a second there, I think they're calling me a Jew.
Jew. No. Hater. Okay. My girlfriend has recently been getting on my ass. She's like, you gotta shave, because when I kiss you, it hurts when you have a five o'clock shadow. I'm like, you think that hurts? Try rubbing the tip of your dick on your September o'clock shadow. Thank you. There he is. Exactly 60 seconds. Hans Kim with another new minute. Very exciting. Thank you. It's very new.
What'd you say? It's very new. Yeah. How'd you feel like that went? I felt like that went better inside my head where I was just inside my own head. The Mexican joke is killer because that is true. Right? You know? You can never tell these days. It's crazy. It's unsettling. Yeah. Those brownies.
Those brownies, that's what I call them. If you don't know which ones they are. Yeah, it's crazy. I recently went to a Thai restaurant and I thought they were Thai. Turns out they're Mexican. Ah, interesting. How was the food? The Pad Thai tasted a little bit Mexican. It's like a little sweet. But the curry was great. So I don't know what it is with Mexicans and curry, but they really got away with curry, these Mexicans.
Okay, well, this is all very interesting. It makes sense. Mexicans and Thai people both have a love for rice. This is like a Nazi cooking show. Like a white supremacist cooking. Rice, Mexicans, Thai.
So, Hans, you're all over the news this week. I can't believe you didn't really cover that. Oh, yes. You didn't talk about that in your brand new minute. You forgot that for the first time ever in your life, you were in the world news. Yes. Thank you. Um,
Might be worth acknowledging. I got on the news for telling a joke that the New York Post thought was off color, so that's a good sign. I take that as a compliment. They called you an idiot. What? They called him an idiot. Idiot comic. Oh, wow. There was no one in the article calling me an idiot. They just wanted to call me an idiot, so they put it in quotes. Yeah, New York Post...
quickly becoming TMZ. While TMZ is becoming more of a legitimate news source, it's kind of weird. But TMZ covered you this week, too. Oh, shit. I don't know. You didn't know that? I had no idea. Okay. And the Rolling Stone covered you today. Did you know that? Yes, in Brazil, yes. Oh, it was the Brazilian Rolling Stone. My team, my council did not tell me it was the Brazilian Rolling Stone. Thank you, McVader, for...
Did you see Hans in the Rolling Stone today? No, I didn't get a chance to read the Brazilian Rolling Stone! You fucking goofballs. Who's on the cover of the Brazilian Rolling Stone? Just anybody? The Brazilian Rolling Stone, funny enough, written by Thai people. You never know what you're gonna get. There's always role reversal happening here.
But it was a Matthew Perry joke, correct? Would you like to do the joke that got you in trouble? Yes. Let's see if we can get you in trouble again.
Double trouble. Yeah, Matthew Perry. Matthew Perry, fat, bloated corpse. Matthew Perry recently passed away. Very sad. You know, for a guy on a show called Friends, he could have used a couple. No, that's not it. You didn't even do your own joke. I didn't set it up right. I'm sorry. You did not set it up right. You are really an idiot comic, huh? Incredible. It's Matthew Perry drowned in a hot tub. For a guy that was on Friends, you'd think he would have a couple of them. All right.
Really not worth canceling anyone over. Definitely not. The only person that ended up canceled in the whole thing was Matthew Perry. You survived with your head above water. Yes, I mean, the New York Post. Yeah.
The New York Post made Matthew Perry's life miserable when he was alive. I'm just talking about him when he's dead. That's a really good point. Yeah. Wow. Who cares if you're dead? You can say anything. Like, fuck Bob Barker. Whoa. Whoa. Wait a minute. Beloved Bob Barker Triple B has been brought into the field.
This play is under review. How dare you talk about the unbelievably cool, the band that was there with us on all of our sick days as a child. You went straight for Bob Barker?
Normally when a Korean's roasting a barker, they're about to eat a dog. Thank you, thank you. Oh, that wasn't D's, okay. Oh, that was the Price is Right theme on piano, everybody. Red band over here. Yeah, you got it. Oh, 8-bit, that's always good. No, don't, don't, don't. Hans, anything else exciting happen this week? My girlfriend and I got into a huge argument. Let's talk about that. She...
She wants me to come over all the time. She very rarely makes the drive over to see me. And I got really mad at her. I was like, you're taking away my time. I really want a podcast. You're not letting me podcast. And it really is hurting my comedy career. I'm being mentioned in Brazilian Rolling Stone.
So what did she say to that? She was like, okay, I'll do more of what you want. And today I jerked off on her. Wow, you love jerking off on her. This is incredible. So when you're jerking off on her, is she fully clothed? She... Is this a thing? Is she awake? It seems like she's not contributing at all to this. Is she awake when it's happening? It's better when she's not. Yeah.
Hans? No, she's fully awake and consenting. Is she clothed? I can't picture this. She starts out clothed and then she does one of these where she lifts it above her tits. And that's where you... That's where I ejaculate on to. Oh my God. Wow. You're basically just a one-man band. She does the Bert Kreischer move. She rips it in. She's like, I'm the machine! And you're just... Hot! I gotta...
And that's how it goes. So then what? Do you get her like a towel or something like that? What do you have? Like one of those fucking little wet naps or something? Yeah, I have a little towelette I got and then I wipe it off. But at her house, I just use toilet paper. Oh, God. Amazing. You ladies are really missing out letting Hans Kim be out there taken on the market. I'm sure this is what everybody wants is little bits of toilet paper in their belly button.
I mean, what an opportunity of a lifetime. Absolutely incredible. Double ply? Yes, the finest. Okay, very good. Absolutely. The quilted picker-upper. All right. Well, Hans, way to get the show started. You did it again. We love you. That's Hans Kim, everybody. We're going to get through tonight's episode. We're pre-picking. Thank you.
Another name, the bucket of destiny, anything can happen. This is 60 seconds straight out of the bucket ladies and gentlemen. This is the part where we find perhaps the new talent of the world, perhaps a completely insane person. Truly anyone can sign up and anything can happen.
Your first bucketful, 60 seconds uninterrupted and then an interview going to Olivia Carter everybody. Olivia Carter. Here we go. I hate my brother's fiance. She hasn't worked in a year because she's writing a children's book. And I was like that can't take more than an hour. What?
And I know she doesn't like me either, 'cause she's always like, "God, you're so thin." And I'm like, "So are children's books." And I'm trying to figure out how I'm gonna ruin their wedding. And I think I've decided I'm gonna lose, like, a concerning amount of weight. Like, a conversation's worth. And I'm gonna show up like, "I'm on a hunger strike until the children of America get a new book." That's it.
Fuck yeah, Olivia Carter. Absolutely. That's a real comedy set right there. Thank you. Hell yeah. Welcome. This is your first time here, right? Yes, it is. Amazing. I love that children's book stuff. We actually have a friend that wrote a successful children's book, the great Jesus Trejo, one of our former co-workers and co-paid regulars at the comedy store. And he's very successful with it. And I was thinking all those things that you said when I was talking about it.
Yeah, they're for children. He's like showing it to me. I'm like, wow, dude. He must have really fucking like really worked on this. It's like Goo Goo Gaga. And then we saw a dog and then there's a dog. I'm like, what the fuck? Like, how much are you making? Is she successful from that? No, she's done nothing. Yeah. Right. No children even want to read that shit. No, she's still working on it. What's it about? She doesn't know yet. Oh, shit.
has to strike when it strikes. It's going to be after she's married.
That's amazing. What do you do for a living? I'm trying to do comedy. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years. Where at? I was in Chicago. I just moved to New York. Okay. What made you go to New York? I want to do the scene in New York. Right. You want to stay cold through the winter. Yeah, I want to freeze. Absolutely. Is that where you're from originally, Chicago? I'm from Kansas. Okay. So you're making progress. Yeah. How long were you in Chicago for? Woo!
Three years? About, yeah. Right. And now you've been in New York City for how long? Like four or five months. Four or five months. And how long are you in Austin, Texas for? I'm here all week, baby. You're all week. Look at that. Absolutely. The joke was fucking awesome. Thank you. Yeah, awesome show. Thanks. It's amazing. So how do you survive? Okay. Okay.
How do I survive? I have a day job. I'm a sales assistant. Okay. Yeah, make dinner reservations and schedule massages for people. I was just about to say, you don't have a sales, you know. Yeah, I'm not very charming. Right. Yeah. I just feel like you'd be like, so you want it? You want it? No, you're like, good. I get it. I don't want this shit either. It doesn't work. Yeah.
You make dinner reservations and schedule massages. Looks like you really found your own Giz Lane for yourself. Yeah, right.
Thank you. Yeah, it's not too bad in terms of J jobs. It's pretty chill. I get to work from home sometimes. Right. So it's not too bad. That's cool. It's sick. What's your living situation in New York City? Very expensive, you have to say. It is really expensive. We just had a couple move out, so we were splitting it four ways, and they moved out because they thought we lived in a dangerous area. It's not. What area is it? I live in Bushwick. It is. Yeah.
Exactly. When you come from Chicago, nowhere is a dangerous area, it turns out.
I'm like, it's fine. He just wants to see where you live. You'd sit in anywhere. You'd be in Gaza right now being like, whatever, man. It's really outdoorsy. It's cool. It's not humid. No humidity here. It's fantastic. Yeah. So now our rent's a bit expensive, but it is what it is. I've accepted it. Yeah. I'm just eating it. Absolutely. What do you do for fun? What are you into? I've recently discovered the power of mushrooms.
Wow. I've been microdosing mushrooms and it's changed my goddamn life. I didn't know I could be so happy all the time. To be fair, I'm not sober all the time. But it's really like, I feel like it's like a cure for anxiety. It seems to be. It's definitely not. Yeah.
It's certainly not a cure for it. There's no doctor saying that. But it's not a bad thing to do. Dr. Joe Rogan thinks that it is. He's been right about everything. You think it's a bad thing to do? No. Yeah.
But you don't think it should cure your... You should use it as a micro-dose daily thing? Well, eventually you'll have to start macro-dosing. Yeah, and then you're just on mushrooms. That's the problem. Then you're just eating an eighth of shrooms in the morning. It's not a problem. You know? Merry Christmas! It's a lot. It's a lot. You don't want to get too energetic and outgoing. I'm already off the walls. Right, yeah.
I love it. So micro, what do you like to do after you eat the mushrooms? What's something? I'm a runner. I like to run on mushrooms because you kind of don't feel your body. Right. Yeah, and you can just go. Is there something?
Sorry, I farted. I don't know. Is there something chasing you when you're running? I do have an app that it tells you that zombies are chasing you so you run faster. Really? Yeah. You're like an episode of Black Mirror. I have an app. Yeah, that is incredible. You haven't heard? It's called Zombie Run. Okay. You put it on when you're running. It's like...
Wow. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Big runner Red Band over here. Yeah. I do know it. Yeah. He puts it on to fall asleep at night. Me and Red Band have an app where it says the zombies are outside so we don't leave the house. We're like, ooh, I should stay in. It's the app that we have. It's called Stay In. Yeah.
amazing and you just look out in New York running listening to zombie noises pretending like the migrants are the zombies I'm guessing am I correct no what do I pretend no I pretend they're real zombies yeah right okay what's your love life like
Ask all the boys this. It feels weird when I... Yeah, it's cool. It's fine. New York dating is weird. It's too oversaturated. There's too many boys. I feel like it's because there's such beautiful women in New York and sometimes you fuck up and you fuck a weird guy and then that weird guy thinks that he deserves hot women. Yeah.
And they don't. And they don't. Right. And so when you're dating out there, they're like, I could do better. And you're like, no, you're not. Right. This is the best it's going to get. And that's just Pete Davidson. It's incredible. It's absolutely amazing. That's all it takes is one hoe to throw off the whole economy. Yeah.
Incredible. Redman? Do you offer two-handed massages when you... She doesn't give the massages, you fucking creep. I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Whoa! You just got booked on a real show. Yeah! And here's the big joke book. Can you catch? Oh, thank you. Nice. All right.
Here, and here's some Zippix toothpicks as well. They're nicotine toothpicks. You're going to love those. Thank you so much. You can throw them at the zombies or whatever. There she goes, Olivia Carter, everybody. She's on Instagram at OG Carter. Hell yeah, there she goes. And we're back to the bucket. You guys get it? We just met one. Now we're going to the next one. All right, make some noise for your next 60 seconds. Going to Matt Robertson, everybody. Matt Robertson. We're going to meet him all together.
Thank you. Thank you. It takes me forever to come, you know, during sex. I'm sure people have that problem. Waiting for me to come is like waiting for Jimmy Carter to die. Like, it seems like it should have happened a while ago, but I'm still just like lying there. Yeah, I'm divorced, obviously. Yeah, the worst part is my ex got custody of the kid. That really hurt, you know.
To be fair, it was her daughter from a previous marriage, but I thought she got something, you know, something out of this. But I'm dating single moms now. That's just the lane I'm in. Dating single moms is kind of like dating a prisoner, you know? You see them like once a month for 30 minutes. You got to talk in like hushed tones, like, shh, it'll be okay, I love you. Just a couple more years, you know? The kids like the warden, like, hurry it up. Let's watch SpongeBob. I need Peppa Pig. Let's go. Chicken nuggets. No touching.
Get off my mom. Learn to come quicker, you know? Thank you. There it is. Matt Robertson with exactly a minute.
This is your first time on the show, right Matt? No, I was on with Grapefruit, Greg Fitzsimmons at Vulcan. I wore the Superman shirt. Okay. He said the only thing I had in common with Superman is that we both looked like we got changed in a telephone booth. That's right. That's right. Yeah. I said it funnier. I enunciated into the microphone when I did that and it went boom. The whole crowd went wild. Yeah.
So, Matt Robertson, how long have you been doing stand-up? Probably like six, seven years. Wow. How often do you perform? Not as often lately. I've just been busy with work. What kind of work are we talking about? I was doing set decoration for films and stuff, set dressing, but then the strike happened, so I went back to waiting tables. I wait tables at a Japanese restaurant. Gotcha. Gotcha. All right. The single mom joke is good.
Thank you. Thanks, Tim Dillon. It could be better, but it's good. It could all be better. It's not the greatest, but it is good. Oh, thank you. That'll keep me going. That'll keep suicide off for a while. Jesus. I feel like you are standing on the Golden Gate Bridge as we have this conversation. I'm like, it's good. You're like, yeah, all right. Just...
You do have those vibes. Why a Japanese restaurant? Why do you... It was the only place that hired me. I applied everywhere. What do you think you did to get the job there? I showed up. I applied to a lot of places. Why did they hire you? I don't know. I'm not very good at it. I do my best. I'm not a very good waiter, but I'm personable. I try to have fun. Because that culture, let's be honest...
It's, you know what I mean? It's not the most warm... No. They're very... Have you not been anywhere? They're not the most... But they're efficient. Yeah, even a lot of Japanese people show up and right before you say the name, they're like, three waters, two gears. No, they know what they're doing. But there's no hugs. No. They're very put together. And you're admitting to being a bad server. Yeah.
I don't think I'm the best. Those people are at the table like, God, is this waiter ever going to come? Yeah. Set them up, you knock them down. Yeah, no, I'm good at it. I do my best. And I haven't been fired or disciplined, so, you know. You've never been disciplined? No, no. I mean, that's a good thing. I've never been. Oh, I was written up once, but. Do they know you're working there? Yes. Okay. Yeah. They're aware. What did you get written up for?
A lady said I was high out of my mind, which is impossible. It was like three hours after that. And then... Wait, a customer said that? Yeah, but it was 110 degrees and I was on a patio. I was having heat stroke and shit. And I was like, can I get you more? Dude, that's the best.
That a customer went to, probably a Japanese person, right? No, a white lady. And she gasped at me because the whole time she was like, it was so great. And then she left and was like, fuck that. I didn't have a good time. I hated it, actually. And wrote my manager. She was laughing the whole time. And then retroactively had a shit time that she didn't let me know about. I would have changed something. Maybe you thought she was having a good time, but you were high. Yeah.
I think that a lot about women. So, yeah, it happens. Is everything that you talked about true? You really take a long time to come? Not so much anymore because I'm off antidepressants. It's like the opposite. It's like 30 seconds or a minute. I would get back on them. Yeah.
Well, no, I... Can I... Just from the interaction. No, because the last girl I was dating, I think because I never came, she kind of left. She would like jerk me off for a long time and blow me and then try to fuck me and I'd have to go sneak a blue shoe. When you say jerk you off a long time, was this at the Japanese restaurant? No, I probably would have come, but... Jerk you off long time? Oh, yeah. That's the verbiage that you used? I see what you did there. Yeah. You did it. I just noticed it. I know. I didn't even do it. I just repeated back what you said.
You're like, she took me off long time. I'm like, whoa, whoa. All right. The Japanese, they're very good people. My dad, granddad actually fought the Japanese in World War II. You might not want to tell your employers about that. Oh, they know. I bring it up all the time. These guys hate me. Yeah, he killed a lot of them. He was like 19. 100 pounds soaking wet. Yeah, Guadalcanal. They were high too because he was in the Air Force. Yeah. All right. Oh, yeah, Army. So...
All right. So when's the last time you hooked up with a woman? Let's hear the... When did you get off the antidepressants? About 15 years ago. Oh. Well, I went to rehab and... Wow. I went to rehab and they took them away and they lied to me. You went to rehab for what? Just...
alcohol and weed. Sounded like heroin there. There was a real pause. Really stumbled over your... Alcohol. I kind of did everything. I was kind of a dirtbag. I would do coke from a guy at the bar named GD. He's in jail now. Prison. Thanks for telling us that it was prison, not jail. Yeah. He's a heavy hitter. He's not a pussy. He's in prison, dude. He's not a bitch. Ah.
He's not in fucking jail like a bitch. He's in prison. He's still in federal holding. He's a bad man. He liked young girls. How long are you sober? I'm not sober. I drink now. I can do it good now. Oh, you can do it good. Yeah. I figured it out. Yeah. It is a game. You can hack it. Oh, yeah, yeah. I did shrooms before I came on here, so I think that might have...
Made it less shitty. So I'm microdosing a little right now. There's a theme tonight, everybody. What is going on? Heroin. Special microdose episode of Kill Tony. Yeah. I'm out of my mind tonight. You know what that sound means, everybody. A lot of mushrooms here tonight. Yeah, I'm losing it a little bit. Losing what? Yeah, a lot. No, it's fun. Oh, did you hear that?
Yeah. Yeah. The Nintendo sound, yeah. Yeah, Nintendo stuff. Yeah. What are you talking about?
Do I, do I, do I, do I, do I, do I, do I? You guys hear it, right? It's not just me. Matt, I like your style, dude. You've been doing it a long time. You probably should have had a slightly better set. Well, you know. But it was good enough for a big joke book. Did you get a joke book last time you were on? I got nothing. You got nothing? I got the boot. Well, here you go. You ready? You ready? There you go. Thank you.
There he goes, Matt Robertson, everybody. Thank you so much. Yeah. Let's get another bucket full. I like the momentum that we have right now. We're going to keep our next regular warmed up back there. Let's see what happens here with the comedy stylings of Heath Underhill. Heath Underhill, it's a good name. Good comedy name. Make some noise for Heath Underhill, everybody. How convenient would it be
to be addicted to sucking dick and crack. Like you run out of crack, you're like, "Yay, I'm out of crack! Let's go get some crack!" I got broken up with about a year ago. Ever since then, I've been working on my revenge body. I said I'm working on it, you fucking assholes!
If you don't know what a revenge body is, that's when if somebody breaks up with you, you work out really hard, eat real healthy, try and get in real good shape so you can kill your ex. I've been working hard too, man. I feel like I could almost take her. Like...
I love it. Deep Underhill. That was amazing. Appreciate it. Very good set. You took your time. Really well paced out. Great execution. You've been on this show before, correct? Yes, sir. About a year ago. Yeah, and that went pretty good too, huh? Yes. Not this good. Not this good. This was like flawless. Yeah, it was absolutely perfect. You seem like a real fucking pro. Remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. Four years. All of it here in Austin? Started in Chattanooga, Tennessee.
Okay. Where are you at now? I'm in Austin. For how long now? A little over a year. Beautiful. You're exactly where you should be. Yes, sir. Everything is all happening for you. What do you do for a living? I actually just got a new job. I'm selling HVAC parts, working in the warehouse. Okay. All right. What were you doing before? He was my personal trainer. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
We've been making some progress. Starting slow, building. Slow revenge. Getting there. Revenge is a dish best served cold. And hot. Ice cream and spaghetti air. We take it hot or cold, man. I love it. What do you like to eat? Everything. You know that. I do? You can tell. I know that. You say that like you ate my ass this morning. You know that, Tony. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. We actually have a recording of it. That's my ass-eating face. Oh, that was the... Hey, gerbil, get back in there. Wait. Gerbil. Gerbil? Get over here. Hey, get back in there. All right, red band, relax. Okay. Oh, here's D-Madness' first pee break of the night. Here we go. All right. Gay stuff.
I like to call him P Madness sometimes. This guy fucking, this guy urinates like someone with four eyes. All right. Okay. Keith, since you were last on the show a year ago, what's happened in Austin? Give us a good something, a night or a day. What's a good something that happened to you here? Well, for a few months, I was like, I was working like scooping dog shit out of people's yards. So it was fun. Hell yeah. Yeah.
That's a job? Not if you're smart. If you know what you're doing, you don't do that as a job. Hell yeah. Okay, so then what happened? I got bit by a pit bull. Oh. What ethnicity was the owner of that pit bull? He's all right. He's a good guy. Bacon sauce! He's one of the good ones? Yeah.
You're holding back laughter right now. Which leads me to believe... You're not gonna say? It's okay. It's a question. Let's just say it was a couple and they were... mixed. Mixed with what? Each other? I don't know. Oh, you son of a bitch. There you go. That's the official sound effect of mixed people. That is amigos and the theme to friends, everybody.
Amazing. Wow. I liked your joke about the weight loss revenge. I actually did that once. I was engaged to a girl for like nine years and I lost 65 pounds in like three months because I was so pissed off. And cocaine and Adderall. Yeah.
No, it was Weight Watchers. You were alive. You were alive back then. I just cheated the point system. You were so alive. I remember. That's when I met you. You were like a little skinny boy. You still use those pictures of your avatars online. You know me. Hell yeah. You ever catfish anybody?
I tried. You look like you... Can you explain to us how you tried? Um...
You go on dates? I don't know. I'm really good at gaining weight, so I'll take like a thin picture and then just gain all the weight. And they're like, what the? It's been a month. How does a thin picture work? Well, it's thin for me, not like for normal people. And then is it fun for you to take the thin pic and then you just eat? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And so you plan on meeting them like a month later? Yeah, yeah. They're like, let's meet. I'm like, no. Yeah. I got a few more barbecue spots to hit. Yeah.
So like the last date that you went on, when was that? What was that like? I'm in a relationship right now. Oh, you are? Yeah, so. What does she do? She works at like a lavender store. They have like a lavender field and they make like homemade. A lavender? They have a field of. Oh my God. This is a Latina girl. Lavender. No, she's white. She's white. How come you didn't answer that when I asked the pit bull question?
Very quick to call her white, but when I say what color was the pit bull owner, it's a... It was a good person, Tony. It was a good person. One of the good ones, Tony. She doesn't own a pit bull. Right. Right. Okay. All right. What's your favorite move in the bedroom to do with her? It's very interesting. You don't seem very agile. I'm interested in...
Finger in's pretty fun. Whoa, you do have some fucking thickies right there. I'm looking at those fucking fingers. Yeah, she does too. Well, she does too? Oh, shit. Oh my goodness gracious. I am just hard as a rock right now.
Unbelievable. All right, my friend. Well, you were on a year ago. Did you get a big joke book back then? I did. Well, there you go. You're doing everything absolutely correctly. Here's some Zippix toothpicks. Take those. Enjoy those. Zip more. Smoke less. Zippix toothpicks.
All right. I mean, we just got to get it going. Even though everything's business is booming, we're going to bring up one of our regulars right now, everybody. This guy's an absolute fucking star. It's crazy to watch. Perhaps the fastest growing fucking talent in the history of the show. Make some noise for him. This is a brand new minute from the great regular Cam Patterson, everybody. Thank you.
I don't want to be an actor real bad, bro, but you got to pick your roles very precisely for your first one. If you do your first role too good, that's your role forever now. Like, I used to like a show called Snowfall, and there was a guy that robbed the main character, and then the main character hired somebody to rob him back to get the money back, and the guy he hired fucked him in the booty. He raped him, dog. And they zoomed into his face getting raped.
That guy can't be Batman. I didn't like that. There's more to that, but I like that. That's a good answer. Absolutely. There's more to that for sure. Get out while the getting is good. Tag it later this week. That's amazing. There's a lot more to that, but I mean shit. Yeah, that was 50 seconds. That was? Yeah, that was great. Yeah. Yeah. We wrote that shit in Phoenix. We did? Well, me and Kyle did. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah. You and Kyle.
Kyle, absolutely. It happens that easily. Yeah, it's just fun. It's cool. Hell yeah. We had a lot of fun that trip. It was dope. Writing, laughing. It's all the same shit when you're doing what we're doing.
So, yeah, who was it? They played that scene for me. Yeah, I played it for you. I showed you that scene where he got fucked in the booty. I played it for you. That was crazy. Yeah. What show was that? Snowfall. Netflix? No, no, no, Hulu. Hulu. Yeah. And they zoomed into his face and he played it real well, bro. Like, that nigga played that shit. You thought he got raped for real. You know what I'm saying? That nigga, it was crazy, bro. Yep. Shit was insane.
It was really good acting. Yeah, man. Oh, he probably got raped before, maybe. Who knows? Yeah. He could've got fucked in the booty before in prison or something. Mm-hmm. He was like, I found my calling in the middle of that. You know what I'm saying? You never know. You've been to jail before, right? I've never been to jail. Never? I've always invaded them niggas, dog. I've always been really good at it. Absolutely. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Your pit bull ever bite anybody? They bit that nigga, the last guy. It was you. It was you all along.
He ain't want to tell you, but my pit bull is his name Rocky. Why did you name him Rocket? No, Rocky. Oh, Rocky. Yeah. Because it fucks people up. Oh, you're goddamn right he do. Okay, yeah. Yeah. I love it. How y'all doing? Y'all okay? Hell yeah. His girlfriend beautiful. Oh, shit. You want to rock, bitch?
Oh, shit. Oh, she just blushing. Oh, my God. Wow. Look at the joy on her face.
She's out here hanging out with a full-size Peter Dinklage over here. Just fucking, she's about to run for the hills. Look at this doofus she's with. Look at this fucking Yugoslavian basketball player here that she's stuck with. Who is Peter Dinklage, nigga? Who the fuck is that, bro? The midget from Game of Thrones. The midget? He doesn't know Game of Thrones.
He knows the game. He knows Watch the Throne. He doesn't know Game of Thrones. That's a rapper and an album. Why you put those two things together? That's crazy. That's hard. Game of Thrones would be a great album. It would be a great album. Yeah, that would be the game. Jay-Z and Kanye West on a unified front. See, I speak both languages. Tony a real nigga. Y'all don't know that. Tony a real nigga, man. You know what I'm saying? Did you hear that, everybody? Yeah.
You hear that? It's one of my favorite compliments that I get, and I get it all the time. From, specifically, cool black people. So, it's not the same when white people call you that at all. You're a real... Real nimble! Whoa, whoa, what the fuck did that mean? Hey, that seems disrespectful. What the fuck? What the fuck? Wait a second. Wait a second, did we just crack a code?
We can't say it, but the soundboard can. It took us ten and a half years to realize this. That is amazing. What the fuck? That is unbelievable. We need different versions of that. Don't press it again, Redman. Don't you press that shit no more, nigga. You got an itchy trigger finger over here. Whoa, D-Madness. D-Madness threatening to urinate twice in seven minutes.
Absolutely incredible. Cam, what else is going on in life? Anything else interesting? I went back home for Thanksgiving. Okay. That was cool. Back to Orlando, Florida. Yeah, I went back to Orlando, but I like to go to my grandma's house when I'm home. She lives in Gainesville, so I went back home to see my grandma. I love my grandma. She the best. But the only thing about going home for Thanksgiving is, like, the food was terrible.
Really? I thought black people used a lot of seasoning. No, we the best at it, but they old now. All the elderly people in my family are old as shit. You feel what I'm saying? The cook is old, so they don't know how to cook no more. Right. So all I ate was greens and rice. That's all I ate for Thanksgiving, and that hurt my soul. Damn.
Damn. Greens and rice. Damn. All right. You have to find when the N word is on that. You can't just play NWA at random times. Jesus, Redman. Great stuff. No. No. There you go. There you go.
There you go. There's gonna be, this might get taken down off YouTube. Oh, geez, you're booing the N-word? He said it, man. Come on. What's going on right now, man? We're having a conference on whether or not a soundboard is allowed to say the N-word on this show. It's very exciting. I got Tim Cook on the phone.
- What? - Yep, that's right. It's Red Band Finger. - You know what, to be honest, you guys were saying they are real N-word and I was like, I know a song that's called that and that song's called Real N-word Don't Die and I just hit play at the beginning. I didn't know that was at the beginning. I didn't know that was at the beginning. - In his defense, I think his finger can do it because it is thick and white and you know who loves thick white things.
Hit the fucking button, right, Ben? All right, okay. Right now, Tim's like, am I going to get to do Carnegie Hall again? What am I doing right now? This is AI. This is the problem. It's true. This is why people worry about AI. AI can say it. TI can say it. Very few things can say it.
Okay. Cam, I fucking love you. It's amazing the work we're doing. You're absolutely killing everywhere, everything. You are a fucking beacon of what is possible on this show, from the bucket to fucking selling out and crushing all the time. Thank you, bro. Full, unbelievable shit. Cam Patterson, everybody. We found him out of the bucket.
And now, back to the fucking week of. He's like amazing. He's unbelievable. It's insane. Every single week, with the new minute, and also on the road, constant. It's insane how good he is. He goes right before me on the theater shows now because it's just ridiculous the laughs that he gets. They're continuous. He's a fucking star. It's unreal. How about one more time for Cam Patterson? Thank you.
This looks like a fake name. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. Joe Smith, everyone. Joe Smith. What's up, Texas? I just moved here, and I gotta say, I don't give a fuck what Governor Hot Wheels says. You give me six to eight Michelob Ultras, I'll punch that fucking baby out your stomach. Because I'm progressive. Y'all, cocaine is different around here, too. I forgot about geography.
Mexico's like right there. I didn't know we were in bump territory. I did one one line thought I was on Yellowstone I was like I will fucking die for my ranch PSA to sluts You don't have to pierce your nipples just develop a personality My girlfriend's mom showed me pictures of her on Facebook of her in high school And I don't know how to say that she was hotter in high school. She fell off a little bit.
All right, there you go. Joe Smith. Welcome, Joe. Thank you. Is that your real name? Yes, sir. You don't have warrants or anything? No, I do not. Joe Smith? No, I do not. Yeah, my real name. Wow. Okay, where are you from? Minersville, Pennsylvania. Minersville? Yes, sir. Wow. That's a land of pedophiles. Yeah, yeah. A guy's been on here. The McRib guy?
Who? McRib guy? Mike Quinn? It's been a lot of episodes. I know, I know, I know. What happened? What happened? Yeah, what happened? Remind us what you're talking about. There's a dude from my hometown. He went up on here and you like this McRib joke. Okay. Hey, wait a minute. Oh, he's from your hometown? Yes, sir. He's not a pedophile? No, I don't think so. All right. That got real confusing. Tony's against the land of pedophiles. You're like, Mike Quinn! Whoa! Hold on.
I was like, wait a minute. Yeah. Clear that up. That was a confusing exchange, Joe. So how long have you been here in Austin? Three weeks. You live here now? I live in Waco. Okay. What made you move to Waco? I got dumped.
So the girlfriend's mom, blah, blah, blah, blah, that's over now. Yeah, that's made up. Right. Did she break up with you? She broke up with, yeah, same girl broke up with me twice. Why did she break up with you the first time and why did she break up with you the second time? You seem like a completely stable human being. What the fuck, Jenny? No, both times I just didn't have shit going on.
Okay, like what? Yeah. Can you give us an example of what you mean by that? Like no job, no like... What did you have going on when she first got together? Great question. I worked at a comedy club up in PA. In PA? Souljoles. Okay. I know Souljoles. Yeah, yeah. Good guy. Uh-huh. Okay. And then...
You got fired from that? No, I didn't even get fired. He just, like, ghosted me. Okay, that's getting fired. Fuck Soul Joel. Fuck Soul Joel. Okay. I didn't get fired. The owner ghosted me. Yeah. That's... And then she dumped you because she's like, if you're not going to have the stability of Soul Joel's comedy tent...
If you won't work at Souljolt's comedy tent, you're not going to fuck me anymore. It literally is a tent, by the way. That's not a joke. It's famously a tent. And he fucks old ladies. I wanted to say that since he goes to me. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't have to throw fucking... Sorry, sorry. Damn, maybe he got ghosted. True ghosted. That's when a lady that you're banging dies from old age.
Okay, well, okay, so you got ghosted by the owner and then you moved to Waco? Yeah, after she broke up with me the second time. Why Waco? Oh, that's where my cousin lives. Okay, so you live with your cousin? Yeah, and his two-year-old son. Okay, so you're crashing on the couch? Air mattress. In the living room? I have my own room, just air mattress. Okay. So you're an uncle? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
That's cool. Yeah, yeah, it's looking up. Family shit, you know. Yeah. It's looking up. Yeah, it is looking up. It is indeed looking up. An air mattress in Waco, it's looking up. That's right. That is absolutely right. There are people that would rather go back into the Hamas tunnel than live in Waco on an air mattress. It is true. It is true. It is true.
It is, uh... Are you trying to get another job? I have a... I got a job as a bartender. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. What kind of bar? Just a bar? It's a burger joint. Yeah. It's a burger joint. Okay. Yeah. That serves alcohol. Uh-huh. Is that in Waco? Yeah. Okay. Jake's. You smoke a lot of weed? No, no weed. I just look like this. Yeah. Yeah.
You wear that shirt? Yeah. With no weed? No weed. At all? No. No Waco and Bayco? No, no, just Waco and cocaine. Any drunks?
Cocaine, yeah. Cocaine. Just cocaine. Just cocaine. Yeah, for the most part. Okay. For the most part. By the way, makes total sense. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, there's no... We believe you, you know? We get it. We get it. Yeah. No doubt about it. Where do you get this cocaine? You get it at the bar? The burger bar? It's not good cocaine. Right. That's what I'm wondering. It's something white. Yeah. Yeah.
This seems like the kind of guy that would have to keep Narcan under the air mattress. You know what I mean? No, just dudes. Just dudes. Just dudes under your air mattress. No, no, the cocaine. Right. No female cocaine saleswomen. Not yet, no. Right. What's the craziest thing you've done on a bender? Jerk off a long time. Whoa.
What a wild night. We normally hear these cocaine people. Oh, I did a line off a tit. Snorted out of a girl's asshole. Not you. When you say a long time, how long is that? I estimate like two hours, 45 minutes. Whoa. Two hours and 45 minutes. Oh my God. You fucking Schindler's fisted it? That is incredible. Did you not get bored 45 minutes in? No, I had to come down.
Oh my god. You know, the release. Coming down from cocaine, you jerk off for two hours. Usually, always, yeah. For two hours? Around there, yeah. Around two hours. It's off for about one of those hours. Right, right. That makes sense.
And do you get on the air mattress and you're just sweaty on the air mattress? And yeah. You're sticking to it like a Haitian on his way to America. Like. Jerking off. It is. Just a Cuban refugee like a migrant. And a three-year-old nephew peeking through the door. And.
And it's deflating, so it's like I'm floating. Yeah. Like a refugee. It's amazing. This is a beautiful country. It really is. It is amazing. It really is. This is where someone barely, barely surviving can find a little bit of cocaine and jerk off for two hours and 45 minutes. If I had to estimate two hours and 45 minutes for your exact words, which makes it look like you had a clock that you were timing yourself with. No, Oppenheimer was on. Oh.
Okay. Oppenheimer is on. That makes complete sense. That makes complete sense. And meanwhile, you're just dropping bombs. What an intense movie to jerk off to. Mm-hmm.
What a special on an air mattress in Waco. Yeah. Staring at nuclear explosions. Yeah. Working on your own Manhattan project over there. Absolutely incredible. That's wild. Did you time it so that you came when the bomb went off? I was hoping, yeah. Yeah. You dirty bastard. I love history. Yeah.
Bro, I can't wait to see what you do when you find the Pearl Harbor movie, dude. You're going to fucking lose your shit. Oh, my God. Well, I mean, I don't even know what to do with you. But, you know, I'm going to give you a big joke book. We're running out of them here tonight, but it's okay. Oh, bro. Big joke. Thank you.
That is the least responsive catch I've ever seen in my entire life. I just assaulted that man with a joke hook. I feel nervous about letting him back out into the world. It's wild, dude. Yeah. It's wild, dude. It's good that he's in Waco. Yeah. Give us a little space. All right. You guys are in for a special treat. This next comedian is one of the Top Young Rising comedians.
Door people here at the Comedy Mothership, an absolute sensation. You're going to love the comedy stylings of Ryer Cameraman, everybody. Ryer Cameraman. Here, live on Kill Tony. Here we go.
A true sensation. Make some noise. This is a minute from Ryer Cameraman, everybody. Hello. Is anybody home? The door wasn't locked. Right, relatable. Talk about the hole in the pen cap. That's what they want. I've been going to the gas station to mingle. It's been fun. I tell myself, all right, Rye, don't tell anybody you're scared of them, and we'll get a vitamin water on the way home.
Orange, always orange. Well, if they don't have orange, I can get yellow. But if they don't have yellow, maybe red. Because winners compromise. Storm. And I'm going to get a Reese's Sticks king size for everyone deserves to be royal. Oh.
Finkel, the woman at the store is really kind. She asked me what my pronouns were so that she didn't offend me. And I got really scared and I said he, which is not true. So now for the past two and a half months, I've been pretending to be a man only at the gas station. Hey, hey, friends.
Fucking amazing. Ryer Cameraman. I'm telling you, the staff here at the Mothership is fucking powerful. Powerful. Powerful. I say it all the time. I think some of the door people here at the Mothership are funnier than a lot of the people on a lot of the lineups all around the country right now. They're really the great Adam Eget, Carrie Mitchell. Not at the Hollywood Improv. It's inside. It's inside.
They fucking, they pick them here. They pick them. Adam has tons of people to go through, and Ryer is an instant legend. Have you been on this show before? You have, right? About a year ago. Like a little over a year ago. Yeah. And we had a fantastic time. It was fun. I thought you were Jim Carrey the entire time. I'm not? Absolutely. So Ryer, tell us about your life. What are your actual pronouns? I'm a woman. Yeah, you just go straight up woman. Yeah.
well, I mean, I would love to be a man, but I'm not, so I just, you know, I'll just be a woman. Right. You just take what you can. It's just, it's not, yeah, I'm not going to pretend to be something else, but I... I love it. Right. Only with your barber do you say, I'm a man. Yes. Every, yes. Uh,
So, I mean, okay. I have a whole slew of questions here. This will just be about another 95 minutes. Tell us more about yourself, Ryer. Tell us what we don't know about you. Well, I'm 22. I live in Austin now. It's been fun. I used to be a preschool teacher. That was crazy. That seems like a weird job for you. Yeah, it was really odd. The kids didn't know what to think of me. I think I was just, I'm better.
with kids because they have no perspective. Right. You know what I mean? Right. So I'm not weird to kids. Right. You're cool to kids. Oh yeah, kids think I'm great. They think I'm so normal. Which is probably indicative of an issue. What's not normal about you? What would you say? You know you better than anybody. I mean, we can only see what's on the surface, which seems fucking wild. Yeah.
But tell us what you know about you that we don't know. I have severe social anxiety. I worry that everybody thinks I'm retarded. I thought you thought I was retarded. I love you. Thank you. I've always loved you. And I've always thought, like, I feel like she thinks that I think she's retarded. Yeah. But I've always loved you. I always make a real point. I'm like, hi, Ryer. Like, if I'm, like, walking by and stuff, and you're always like... I know, but... Well, because...
I see it. It happens all the time in these hallways. You'd be shocked. I'm like, hi, Ryder. I'm like overly nice because I don't want those types of people mad at me. I go out of my way with the special ones. You're so sweet. Social anxiety people, that is. One time you said hi to me and it was like...
How are you? Yeah. And after that, I just was convinced that you thought I was retarded, and I got really scared, and I didn't want to talk to you because I was worried that you really were going to, like... That's kind of retarded. It's kind of retarded. I have a lot of anxiety. No, we all do. We all handle it different ways. You're the first person on tonight's show not blasted on mushrooms, so, I mean...
Might be a surprise now. You take medicine for that? Yeah, I take a lot of antidepressants. I'm on two SSRIs, which my pharmacist says is not safe. Right, right. Almost anybody in the room would say that's not safe. People that barely know it. Why two? Well, so I recently started having these really bad panic attacks. So I got on Zoloft to help with the panic attacks. I'm also on Welbutrin. I get it.
That's our late great friend Brody Stevens who they also doused with medicine and led him to hanging himself. He was on Wellbutrin. That was one of his very famous lines. Do you have a Wellbutrin one? It is somewhere, right? We have an entire Brody soundboard because he's dead now, everybody. He was also hilarious and had a... Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's kind of depressing. Really leaving us hanging like Brody Stevens did, Red Band.
Anyway, let's talk about it. These panic attacks, I'm a huge fan of the Sopranos and panic attacks run in my very Italian family. I'm interested to know, can you describe what happens during your panic attacks to these people? I forget how to breathe. It's really scary. I'll forget how to breathe and then I'll
I'll just start like everything kind of shuts off and I can't sleep and I can't walk and I called the ambulance like for one like a month ago yeah that's what happens you're positive that you're dying oh you think you're dying yeah I used to do it I used to get panic attacks I would go to the ER they actually get mad at you no you're not dying they get pissed off yeah they're like oh no they do yeah they don't want you there I'm having a heart attack they're like you should be but you're not right they do
They do hate that. Have you had this happen to you? You've shown up to the hospital and they're like, nothing is wrong with you. Well, I thought I was having a stroke. I was like, I think I'm having a stroke. My limbs went numb. And she's like, it's not even close to a stroke, which is crazy to say. How do you even measure it like that? She said, it's not even close. Yeah, because they're looking at blood work and your heartbeat and everything. I was like, that's so mean. I don't know. Yeah.
And you, it's so real when you have one, you think, you're convinced you're having a real stroke and then these cunts at the ER. No, yeah, it's true. And also the people close to you are denying you as well because they know, right, that you have panic attacks. They're like, Ryer, nothing's happening. And you're like, you don't fucking, I'm going to die in your arms. And then you start worrying because one day it will be a stroke. Right. Right.
Right? Right. I mean, don't forget it, but you know what I mean? Like, statistically, absolutely. One day, I was like, oh, it's a panic attack. And then, yeah, you know? Yeah. Right. So, but. I didn't think about that until now. No, sorry. Yeah. Well. I love it. Amazing. So, when's the last time you had one of these panic attacks? Oh.
like last week. I'm on Xanax. I get them really, I get them really bad. You just keep naming medicines. I know. It is incredible. Because I went to the ER and I like, I take Lamex.
That's Brody talking about another medicine that he used to take. Xanax, Zoloft, and Welbutrin. And, uh, what's the rest? I have one more for antidepressants. I get really, really sad sometimes in a really funny way. And I just want to die so bad. So I take these antidepressants and I've been to a lot of therapy. You seem like one of the riskier people here. A lot of stand-up comedians kill themselves and never the ones we want. And that would
be terrible if you were one of the ones. That would be terrible. Your shit is so funny. It reminds me of Maria Bamford, which is the best comp. I love Maria so much. She's the best. She's so funny. She's a genius and like...
Please do whatever you have to do to feel good because you're like truly amazing and we want you to perform for us for many, many years. Yes, absolutely. And you're a huge part of the comedy mothership family that we have here and everybody loves you here. No one thinks you're retarded. We all think you're really funny and charismatic. So you have to remember that all the time even when you think you're having a stroke. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Whoa, look at that.
Walk it in. Booked for a gig. Hell yeah. Xanax. Wellbutrin. Secret show. Yes. It just keeps getting worse and worse. Instant depression activated after your spot on Thursday. I'm really excited about it. I didn't mean to make it seem like that. It's amazing. The ceilings are so high there, you can't hang yourself at the sunset. Right.
You bought a club with high ceilings. This is higher ceilings here, dude. I don't know what you're talking about. But it's built for... But it's higher ceilings. Okay. Ryer, we fucking love you. Everybody loves you. Ryer Cameraman, everybody. Thank you.
What a magical little show this is, huh? All different shapes and sizes and she's and they's and fucking everything. And that's just Ryer. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. We know this young man. He's a very, very solid local comedian. It's been a while since he's been on. Here's a new minute from Philip Garcia, everybody. I like the music tonight. You guys are fucking jamming. How about a hand for the band? Thank you.
And one more time for Philip Garcia. How are y'all doing, huh? Yeah? Good? Good. I just turned 27 years old, so that means I've been listening to Fox News Radio now. I don't know what's happening to me. I got into my car on my birthday and it was just on...
I just keep turning it up a little bit more every single day. The other day on Fox News they said in the light of school shootings, mass shootings, they said, "Well, I'll have you know the only reason we're not speaking with the British accent right now is because of our Second Amendment rights." I was like, "Yeah, okay." But now Fox has painted this alternate timeline, you understand this, where my kid comes home from school and he's like, "Hello, father! Didn't get shot at school today though, did I? None of me classmates died in a bloody school shooting. No, we did not." But thank God our kids don't sound like that. That would be a nightmare.
if school kids sounded like that. I don't care how many school kids we have to sacrifice. We're not putting beans on our fucking toast in the morning. Am I right? Am I right? I don't care how many school kids we have to sacrifice. We're going to brush our teeth every goddamn day in this country. That's what we're going to do here. I don't care how many school kids we have to sacrifice. We're not putting the letter U in the words color or favorite. It don't make no fucking sense to me. Thank y'all. There you go. Philip Garcia. Fuck the British. Okay.
And their teeth, yeah. I love it. Absolutely. How's it going, Phillip? It's going pretty good. Remind us all. How long have you been on stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for five years now. Five years. All of it here in Texas, right? All of it in Texas, yeah. Dallas and then here? Houston, Dallas, then down here for the last three years. Absolutely. Tell us about how Austin's been treating you. The last three years here have been... It turned comedy into a career, essentially, for me. Moving down here and then like...
being around like-minded individuals and also this production and everything else in town just catapults people.
Any comic who has half a mind and knows how to accurately market themselves, they can make a career in comedy. 100%. And you got in while the getting was good. Austin, Texas, three years ago. Yeah. 500 was one of my second episodes, I think. Right. There you go. Absolutely. And so what do you do for a living? Right now, I'm doing comedy, and I'm serving over at Brian's Club at Sunset Strip. Oh, look at that. Second highest ceilings in Austin. That's true. That's true. That's true.
Hell yeah. Every time I ask someone what they want to drink, I hear myself say it two more times. Right, it echoes. Ginger ale, ginger ale. Absolutely. Oops. I love it. And you look like a thick, weird Al Yankovic. So what's your love life like? It's going great. I'm two years into a relationship now. So it's pretty good. Smashing something other than watermelons, I see. It's a fat Gallagher joke. Hell yeah.
Old fat Gallagher here. Yeah, she's from Laredo. She pronounces it Laredo, which is fun. She's Latina? Yeah, she is. Whoa. Yeah. How often does she start arguments with you? I'm at the point where I put AstroTurf in the living room just so she'd sweep more. Does that make any sense? No. No, it doesn't. I'm trying to figure that. The AstroTurf would say. No lawnmowers inside is typically what I have to say to her.
No, this is bad. I'm sorry. I'm pulling out of it. Okay. Pull out of it? Yep. Do you do that with your Latina girlfriend? I have to, yeah. You're right. I'd have eight kids by now if I didn't pull out of her. Absolutely. And what does she do? She's a server and a singer and songwriter. Oh, so she's a server. Yeah. Okay. Dude,
Full time, yeah. Does she sing in English or Spanish? English, yeah. Okay, good. She's betraying her people. I like that. That is the correct language to speak in. Phillip, what's something crazy that we would be surprised to know about you or your life? Any special skills or talents or anything at all? Let me see. I mean...
any special skills or talents. I have a club foot. I don't know if we've ever talked about this before. - What exactly does that mean? How many you think you should pull out his weird foot? - Club foot? - It's been a long time since we've had a weird foot on this show. Whoa, oh my God, what is that? Oh, disgusting. - Oh wow.
It's like the penguin. Wait, is that the weird one? Look at the size of the legs. They're like completely different colors. Oh, yeah, you have a weird tiny foot. Now, what happened? Why is that like that? My mom smoked palm oils when she was pregnant.
She smoked Virginia Slims and now I have a Virginia Slim leg is basically what I ended up with. Do you ever say, is she still alive? Yeah, she's still alive. Do you ever say, mom, what the fuck? Yes. She told me recently that she quit smoking two weeks after she found out she was pregnant.
Which means she missed like a period and then had a whole other period and then was like, I should probably wrap this up pretty soon. Yeah. She's like, well, he's probably only going to end up with a club foot. Two weeks is not horrible though. No, I mean, clearly it's pretty fucking bad. Why do you think they call it a club foot? Why do that? Because it looks like something you'd bludgeon somebody with. Interesting. So do you have the right amount of toes? Yes. Yeah.
That's from alcohol, not cigarettes, man. That's why it's called a club foot. That's where you get all the alcohol. It's a club. It's a night club foot. Yeah, a night club foot. Yep. Look it up. That's why your eyes are farther apart than normal people. You're like Chance the Rapper over here. I'm a goddamn...
You're saying his eyes are fine? Yeah, look at his eyes, man. It's alcohol. At least you know when your mom was pregnant, she had a good time. Right, yeah. That's cool. I'm trying to keep it going. Philip, congratulations. Very fun stuff. You've been on the show before. Here's some Zippix toothpicks. Zip more, smoke less. Thank you. There goes Philip Garcia. We're going to keep moving on. Let's see what we can do here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool announcement.
Nick James, everybody. Nick James is next on Kilt. So you guys having fun out there? All right. Here's Nick James, everyone. What's up? So this seems like a good crowd. You guys ever been to the titty bar before? All right. Red Rose crowd. Love it.
I used to live down the street from a strip club. It's about as awesome as it sounds. Something messed up happened. The place got shut down and then bought out by a Popeye's chicken. They went from stripping chicks to chicken strips. What the fuck is that shit? I used to go there all the time though with my dad. Ladies used to love him because he had the big D. Diabetes.
I actually shouldn't even joke about that. He's in trouble right now. He just lost his insulin. Yeah, that shit's expensive. As a matter of fact, last time he lost it, it cost him an arm and a leg. That's the dumbest joke I have right there. Fuck. You guys like homeless people? Yeah, fuck them, right? Homeless people are like cats. Every time I see a black one, it just ruins my day. All right, that's my time. Thank you.
Yes, that is your time and you are welcome. Let's talk about it, Nick. Why would seeing a black homeless person make you ruin your day more than seeing a white homeless person? Can you explain that to the people out there? Look right down the barrel where you see a red light down there. Look at the camera. Look at the people, the millions of people that will watch this.
It really isn't a red light. I don't really know where that main camera is. Do we cover up the red light? - Yeah, I'm looking for it. - Look right over here at Yoni. You see Yoni right there? - Hey, Yoni. - Look right at him. No, no, no, right in the camera, not down. Straight into the lens and explain to the people why seeing a black homeless person saddens you more than a white homeless person. Do not look away from that camera. - By the way, there's a way to do it the right way.
It's just very... It makes me sad, you know? Yes, the question is why does it make you sadder than a white homeless person? I just... I expect more from you, I guess. I...
Keep going. You know what? No, fuck it. I'm going to double down. Keep going. Fuck it. I'm going to double down. You should have known better. You could have made something of your life, but you didn't. And skin color has nothing to do with it. It's just the way I was raised, really. It has nothing. Tony, forget comedy. Now he can't get any job.
You've ruined his entire... He's going to get fired from Ikea tomorrow morning. You have like a fun American psycho energy if Patrick Bateman were like poor. Yeah. That sweater is really something else. It's my favorite sweater. Yeah. Do you wear that a lot? When it gets cold. Uh-huh.
Yeah, where'd you get that from? Where do you get something like that from? I got it for Christmas from my mother. Right. I asked for, get me a Cosby sweater, and she gave me this. Yeah, and then you put everybody to sleep. You got half and half. It's amazing. Very Cosby-esque. Absolutely. Where are you from? Connecticut. That's right. You have a sense of humor of somebody from Connecticut. This is incredible. Did you grow up with rich parents? Middle class, you know.
What does your dad do for a living? He builds jet engine parts. Yeah, middle class. How about mom? What does she do? She's a CNA. She takes care of fat old people with dementia. Ah, okay. If you could ask her what she would do with Red Band, I would appreciate that. Um...
Do you work? I do, yeah. What do you do? Probably the easiest job in America. I'm a parking tenant at a parking garage for a major company. Fuck it, I'll say it indeed. I basically do nothing except make sure the automatic gate stays turned on.
Oh, that is the job of a serial killer. There's no doubt about it. This is fucking... This is the plot of a film right now. Oh, yeah. Actually, you guys are going to love this. The way I got this job... Oh, we're going to? You have your finger on the pulse of what we love. I got this job because the last guy saw another guy set himself on fire and throw him off the top of the roof.
Hold on a second. Yeah. Hold on a second. The last guy that had your job set himself on fire. He watched another guy set himself on fire and then jump off the roof. So he watched the guy jump off the roof or he jumped off the roof? He watched the guy jump off the roof. And why? So then he quit? Yeah, he had severe PTSD from that. What a pussy. Yeah. That's...
He's a parking lot attendant. Life's going to get worse than that. You can't handle seeing someone set themselves on fire. Get out of the game. And that is such an interesting way to avoid the parking charge.
There's the word I was looking for. When they interviewed you, they were like, you don't have a problem watching people burn to death? We found a guy that's perfect for this job. Michael Myers energies over here. Hey, for $18 an hour, I'll do more than that, man. $18 an hour? That is incredible. And you do basically nothing. Oh, yeah. Full benefits. I get two or three meals free out of the day. Do you have a business card? What's up? Do you have a business card? I wish.
Okay, let me ask you this, though, because, you know, it's an interesting job, an interesting position. Sometimes people come to you for you to let them out. Maybe they lost their ticket, maybe this and that. Have you ever been bribed or anything like that? No, I've just had, like, people yell at me sometimes. What's the meanest thing somebody said to you? Why won't this fucking thing work? Wow. Wow. Uh...
And this is the time when the detective goes, and you don't know anything about the three bodies in your house. You don't know anything about that? Not one thing? Yeah. Does, uh, does blue ever help you solve any, uh... Uh,
Do you live in Texas? Currently, yeah. Currently, as in you're thinking about moving soon? Potentially. I still got another seven, eight months in my lease. We'll see. If I run out of money by then, I might have to move. So where are you thinking about moving? Where would you go where you don't need money? And why do I feel like that haunting music follows you everywhere, not just here?
I don't know, man. I'm just white like that, I guess. What was my question two questions ago? Where would I go? See, I could probably go back home for a little bit, get back on my feet. I was thinking like Boston, maybe. That's another comedy scene. Do the parents want you to come back home?
They wouldn't mind it, but, you know. How old are you? I'm 29. Gonna be 30 next month. Yeah. Merry Christmas, Mom. Guess who's back? Guess who's back? You could be a parking attendant in the driveway. Yeah. Well...
Nick James, you've been on this show before. You got a little joke book? I did. Okay. There you go. There he goes. Nick James, everybody. I got another one, right? We're flying through them tonight. We're going to get another one up here. Another chance. The bucket of destiny has spoken. Make some noise for Stephanie Robertson, everybody. Stephanie Robertson. We make our smooth descent. Thank you. Yeah.
How's everybody? This is Thanksgiving. Oh, you guys are honest. Good. That's nice. Yeah, mine suck too. My parents pulled out the baby photos. You know how they do against your will. And I was looking through my nursery album of my twin brother and I, and I realized my mom themed our nursery after Noah's Ark. I like this part because I can tell who's read the Bible. You godless sons of bitches. What the fuck? Yeah, well, apparently my mom didn't know either. I don't know.
i don't know if you guys know this but in the story god floods the earth because of sinners like you and he tells noah to put these animals on a ship i don't know if you guys know this but those animals aren't a ship because they're family yeah they're there to each other yeah and so i was like mom what were you thinking putting my twin brother and i in a crib under these pretenses did i run out of time it's a zero i don't know what am i looking am i still sorry oh me you guys okay
Just go ahead. Yeah, go ahead, talk. There was nothing good that was going to happen anyway. Okay.
Nothing happened during the 60 seconds. That said zero the whole time, which is how many punchlines you had. Fogus. Yeah, I know. I fucked that up. I've never practiced a one minute. Okay. Yeah. How long you been doing stand-up? Two years. Two years. Where at? In Chicago. In Chicago. Yeah. You just visiting Austin? Yes, I am. This is my first day here. First day here? Or second day, yeah. Second day. Day and a half. Okay. How's it been going so far? Pretty good up until this. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay. So a minute and nothing in a minute. How many minutes does it take for you to get to something?
That's a great, yeah, that's a fair question. Couple maybe? Sure. Well, I don't know. How long was that out for? Goddamn. That was a minute. When you said, is that a minute? It was about 57 seconds. Okay. And then the cat came in. Yeah. The clock was rolling. Yeah. You want to keep going with the Noah's Ark thing? Yeah. Does it, does it, like what's, how does it wrap? Does it just, was the joke just 40 more days and nights exactly or? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, so I tell my mom, I was like, Mom, what were you thinking? Is this ridiculous to do? No, no, no, no, no. This feels a little fucked up. Better than bombing for a minute. Save yourself. You're right. All right. Um...
I'm giving you a chance. You are, Tony. God bless. Okay, I... All right. So I was like, Mom, what were you thinking putting my twin brother and I in a crib under those pretenses, you know? And she was like, no, no. Those animals come in two. One boy and one girl. Like you and your brother. And I was like, Mom, those animals come into each other. Like, I don't know...
How you missed that part in the Bible. It's one of the easier reads, you know? I think your mother's right because no one thinks about the animals fucking. But that's exactly, that's why they were on the ship. They were on the ship to make more babies once they got off the ship. Yeah, but the stories kind of pretend. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Not real. Catholics believe it. It's kind of like a cute thing to do. The Catholics believe it.
Perhaps it's just a little too soon for your Noah's Ark jokes. You know what I mean? I do have a 9-11 joke, too. Can we hear your 9-11 jokes? I don't know if you know where you showed up tonight, but this is probably more of a 9-11 crowd. How did you not choose the 9-11 joke? This one's longer. I'll warn you, this one's longer, but it is better. It's longer? It's better.
It's better. How can it possibly be longer? Okay, I'm going to tell you what. Let's do it. Let's have a fun little experiment because this comes up. Hold on. This comes up a lot in Kill Tony, which is make everything shorter. Shorter is better. Nothing needs to be long. I'm going to take note of your joke and then I'm going to tell you what parts you can edit out afterwards. This is a new fun segment called Fix This Unbearable Shit. Okay.
Thank you. Here we go. With her 9-11 joke that she chose not to do, but instead a Noah's Ark joke deep into an episode of Kill Tony. Here is the 9-11 joke that she should have done that is somehow longer than the Noah's Ark joke, which is longer than a minute. Let's see how it goes. Here she is, Stephanie Robertson. Thank you. I do mess growing up with my brother, though. I'm 26 now, so that means we grew up in the Osama Bin Laden's hiding era. You guys remember that? Yeah, yeah.
Kind of miss it, right? I don't know. I do. I kind of miss it. I don't know. I miss the mystery, you know? I miss the chase. I miss making my brother cry after telling him, Osama's hiding in our basement! Run! You know, because you didn't know where he was, you know? He could have been anywhere, right? And then my brother would cry in school because he was scared to go home to Osama, you know? No!
And then, you know what happens when you cry in school, right? Kids call you gay. But my brother came out as gay in high school. That's a callback to the first joke. And it is. I didn't get to tell that part. I know. I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, okay. This joke isn't about 9-11. It is. Hold on. You're, you're, okay. All right. Okay. Okay.
So we were crying in school, and then luckily my brother came out as gay in high school, you know? So that was cool for him, except for it made my mom cry a lot. And I was like, wow, Steven. I was like, you were in hiding? You were gay? Fuck me, you guys. All right, all right, all right. I was like, oh my God. What a humiliation, you know? No, this is good. Oh my God. No, it's fine.
Finish it. You want me to keep going? Okay. God damn it. All right. Okay. So he cried. He was gay in school. It made my mom cry a lot. I'm trying to... He made my mom cry a lot. Or it made my mom cry a lot. She was crying like it was 9-11. I was... Oh, my God. I didn't like that she was crying. I didn't like that she was crying. I didn't like she was so upset that my brother was gay. And so...
I was like, maybe I should fuck with her and tell her I'm gay too, you know? Because my brother and I are twins. Like the towers. And I just love the idea of being like, being like, mom, I'm gay too. And then she'd be like, they got the second one, you know? Hold on. I'm not done. I'm going to let you go forever. Oh, I know. And I was like,
Yeah, sorry. Call my dad watching gay porn. We call him the Pentagon because no one saw that coming. You know what I mean? All right.
Some people just genuinely surprised out there at that part. Not a laugh at all, but... Some of the words you could edit out in that are all of them. Yep, yep, that's exactly... Every single one. That's exactly what I have here. Brought to you by Stay With Me. I mean, that was absolutely incredible. My notes on editing are everything. Uh...
It's a 9-11 joke because we will never forget this moment. Absolutely incredible. When you leave, we're going to read all of the names in the audience. This...
This is his risky business up here on Kill Tony. Anything can happen. Some people are made stars. Some people have a rough first outing. What's great about this show, and I say it all the time, is that sometimes people, their first time on this show, come out and have, you know, what you consider... Yeah, I showed up to Chicago and put my name in the bucket, and then I was like, I don't... Yeah, well, you saw. Wait, what? You showed up to Chicago? I don't have a minute. Yeah, and just threw my name in the bucket. I haven't...
practice for a minute you know what I mean right well you know again this is another big thing I don't think it's the minute right another big thing that we're right about like if you go see Tim or me or whatever in our big shows you
our first joke it does not take a minute to get there you know what I mean it's on bop bop bop bop bop bop boom and then it starts and then you ride the wave of momentum of laughter there's not like a you can't there is no just gonna take two minutes just stick with me everybody stay with me doesn't really work in the big weeks we'll be we'll also feel angry at the audience huh you also feel like like tonally you're angry at the crowd you're like stay with me you know right yeah
Yeah, I'm something, all right. Do you love stand-up? Do you love doing this? Does it make you feel good? I do. I do. What do you do for a living? I worked at a venue, an entertainment venue up north in Illinois. Okay, is it a comedy venue? No, it's like all arts. Okay, all right. What do you do there? I book shows. Okay, what do you do for fun?
I go outside. I like nature. I like swimming. I like the lake. Uh-huh. Yeah. Who cares at this point, right? No one. Oh, my goodness. No, I'm the host. You're right. I get to decide when this ends for you. Yeah.
It's unbelievable. I know, for real. It's a real power play. You know what I mean? It's something that I really built for myself. I'm just trying to find a redeeming quality about you. Something that'll make the people, you know, something we find a special... Maybe you have a special skill or a talent you could show us. A special skill. Have you ever seen the show before? I absolutely have. Okay, so you kind of know what... I just didn't expect...
this to even be on it. Right. Yeah. Why would you not expect to be on it if you signed up for it? We hear this all the time. No.
You're right. I guess so. Just, you know, luck of the draw. You hear it every time. Luck of the draw indeed. You can't win if you don't play. You also can't lose if you don't play. You played. Am I playing? You're playing. This is it. This is your chance. So like of all the kill Tonys, I'm making you what? You're making me sweat. Right. Uh-huh. Thanks, Tony.
This is what people sign up for. There's a chance. Of course, you see it all the time. Like, whoa, this person signed up and their life changed. Oh my God, they're making, they're selling out on the road. And then there's the risk, the risk reward. The show could be called Risk Reward.
Let's change it. It could be called that. But it's not. It's not. It's called Kill. And then the guy who decides how much longer you're up here for. Oh, I think she's going to play a song. It's just a little bit longer, like your setups.
That's enough. Red band, that's enough. It's Lisa Loeb. Is that then the advice that you wrote down on the paper among all the other things? There was a lot. You don't need the when you were alive. You don't need the Osama hiding. You don't need the brother in the basement. You could do a brother in the closet joke there though. You could punch that up. And then he came out as gay in high school. Went down like the two towers. I already had that
about 30 seconds before you said it, that your brother went down like the two towers. That's where I thought you were going, but then you made it about you as well. You made you and your brother the two towers, but it was more of a what if I came out as gay, but no one thinks you're gay. You seem like a straight woman that doesn't get dicked down. Oh no, did that come out? Sometimes my thoughts come out.
Do you have a love life? Is there someone in Chicago? Is it a snowman? Just a cold little carrot. Okay, stop right there. Somehow the Lisa Loeb is the most insulting thing about all of this. What does your boyfriend do? No, I don't have a boyfriend, but I do get digged down. You do? Oh, yeah. You do? So you have a hook up there. Yeah.
Okay, so what is that? When that happens, how does that go down? You should go to his place, he comes to your place, he kicks the cats out of the way, and... Two cats or one? Just one. Okay. I actually, dude, I was in a three-way for the first time. Blackout Wednesday, baby. Let's find out about that. Tell us about that. That's compelling. That is the Noah's Ark of storylines. Yeah.
We've come full circle. Yeah, Blackout Wednesday. My best friend was in town. And then there was... She or he? She. Okay. And then my old hookup was in town. And we got bored at a bar. Bored at a bar? What were you doing? Telling jokes? Yeah.
You're funny. That's funny. Oh, shit. Stephanie, Stephanie. I don't know what to do with you. I know. I know, Tony. It's upsetting, isn't it? I don't know how to say this. Everyone back at home is going to see this. That's like, you know, that's the, that's the, that's the,
Hi, Tim. Jesus Christ. You do this a lot. You do a lot of spots throughout the week. You work hard at this. Yeah, I do a lot of spots throughout the week. It just didn't go good, but that doesn't mean anything. I appreciate that. Yeah, I mean, I'm... It's just in this one instance. The most important... I watch this show. This is the most important instance as far as I'm concerned. Well, let's hope not. Well, no, not for me. God, no. You might want to skip next week's episode. Not for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh.
Oh, I fucking know, dude. But whatever. I mean, it was a learning experience. Thanks so much, Tony.
Well, it really should be, you know? I mean, I mean what I said, you know, I mean, there's guys that write a brand new minute every single week on this show. It's an incredibly hard job. And in those minutes, they have to have things that connect. And when we go on the road and they do 15 minutes or 20 minutes, or they're on their own for an hour, they're lining those things all up together. And those minutes become longer sets of,
So you should have more opportunities for laughter in those minutes. Thanks, Tony. And when you're doing all those spots that you do, you have to apply what you learned here to those. You're devastated, but meanwhile, you don't really have the funny part. I know. I know.
You can't have both. It's not like it went over 400 people's heads in here or anything like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could put your location on ExpressVPN as North Korea next Monday around 8 o'clock and you won't be able to see it. ExpressVPN, official sponsor of Kill Tony. What an amazing drop.
So you're just visiting Austin, then you go back to Chicago. Do you have any plans to come back to Austin? Yeah, maybe. Okay. How about this? Because this was an incredible, incredible learning lesson for everybody, I do believe. Why don't you come back in six months and we'll give you a minute. We'll give you an automatic minute. We'll say she had a tough set, a tough interview. You have six months to prepare. Sound cool? You'll get an automatic spot. Deal? Deal.
Yes, of course. There you go. We'll see you in six months. Stephanie Robertson, everybody. There's a little redemption there at the end. A shot of opportunity. Six months guaranteed. No suicide. Can you have me back? I want to see that again. Well, you know what? I'm going to book you as the guest six months from now. Tim Dillon, Stephanie Robertson, back in six months.
Damn, the band is on fire tonight. Well, you know what that sound means. There's only one way to end an episode like this, and I guarantee you this guy's got some punches in a minute. This is the only living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame, the record holder for all-time appearances. If anybody should have trouble making you laugh in a minute, it scientifically should be this man who's done it more than anybody else. I present to you...
The Memphis Strangler. The Tijuana Tarantula. The Corpus Christi Christmas Krispy Kreme. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody. I was born in motherfucking Corpus Christi, y'all!
Amish people in Pennsylvania are starting to grow and sell marijuana. Apparently you can tell an Amish family sells weed if their wagon is rolling on dubs. But seriously, I bought some and the only problem seems to be the delivery time to Austin is eight months.
To all of the Amish people watching at home, I'm very disappointed. What's next? Making softcore? Instead of it being on OnlyFans, you can watch it on Mostly Cousins. Comedian Tiffany Haddish was just arrested for being asleep in her car. Luckily, she's got an airtight defense because it has come out she was listening to Red Band stand-up. Hey. Hey. Hey.
I'm starting to think we should let the police go back to abusing our civil rights. For a while there, I was pretty upset about the neck stompings, but with all the random violence and crime, it's probably worth a few Rodney King whack-a-mole exhibitions to get society back in line. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.
Boom. Again and again and again. Somehow, never disappointing. Always coming in over the top. The great William. How about one more time for William? A thankless job closing these fucking shows with authority. Start clapping, bitch! Yeah. Do something with your woman, dude.
Tony, I swear to God, I am a changed man. This past weekend, I swear to God, I discovered a cereal called Kellogg's O'Bran Buds. Tony, I took four shits earlier. I feel so much better. I had so much fecal matter in my tummy area, I guess. Tony, I swear to God, I took four good shits earlier.
Wow. How much of this cereal have you been eating? I ate a big-ass bowl last night. I ate a big-ass bowl in the morning, so I'm eating two big bowls. It has 60-something percent of your daily fiber, so I'm eating probably several servings, but it has gotten me. I don't know. It's just scary all that shit was... It's Kellogg's what?
All brand buds. I don't know why it says buds. I don't know. They're just these little pellet looking things. You're basically eating deer food. Oh, that's gross. Dude, all you eat is fucking pellets, you sick motherfucker. Yeah, at the hospital. That's what he asked for.
Y'all still have the buzz. Y'all still have the little pellets. He's always fucking... He pretty much lives at the hospital these days. People don't even know that. At least I wipe my ass after eating some grape nuts. He lives in a fucking hospital right now. Redman is dying. William wipes his ass. He has a new...
mega deal with dude wipes. This is all happening. And I was thinking earlier, I was actually using the dude wipes earlier to wipe my butthole. And Tony, I actually, I promise, I had this realization last night. I think I had said in the past, I stopped wiping my butthole because sometimes I would be wiping and there would still be doo-doo on the fucking toilet paper.
I don't know, 20 minutes into it, and I made a discovery last night, Tony. It was starting to happen with the dude wipes, and I get up, and I look at my asshole in the mirror. I do it all open. There is some piece of shit in my asshole, Tony. So it must have been I wasn't getting all the doo-doo out my butthole, and I was just, that's why I could never finish wiping my butt. Like a three-year-old. I'm opening up my fucking, hold up here right now! Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Trying to get deep with your love, man. Fucking idiot. On fire. Ever since you got that little bit of skin cancer removed, you're just batting 100%. Everything you do is absolute gold. It is incredible. I thought I was about to fucking die, dude. I really did. I thought I was going to die. You had a 50-50 chance. Yep.
No. That's what he said. That was a thing that sometimes we just go along with whatever William said. You didn't believe that? Why is that so surprising, motherfucker? What do you mean? Maybe I did have a 50-50 shot. I didn't want you to have 50% chance of dying. Well, thank you. That's sweet, but I'm just... You're saying what? You didn't believe that that could have been a possibility? Well, I mean, it seems extreme, you know? Where was the skin cancer? Where? Yeah. Yeah.
Point to it. No, William. That's not where it was. No, it was not. Oh, on the face? Yes. Oh, perfect timing, Dubuz. What the fuck was that? Totally makes sense. Jewish music on the skin cancer on... Oh, near the nose. Yeah, it's weird. I know you give money to Hamas, so it's weird you're doing fucking a Jewish song right now.
William, what else is going on this week? Finished a thousand piece puzzle over Thanksgiving. What did it turn out to be? It was a fun scene. It was in the mountains. It was a junk truck, I would call it. It was a pickup truck with all kinds of junk. There was a bicycle I was dealing with. There were
There were playing cards on the ground. There were all kinds of luggage on top of the junk truck. There were strings attached to everything. And I don't know if y'all are used to dealing with strings in a thousand-piece puzzle, but that was really messing me up.
I was hitting that fucking thousand piece in record timing and I get to all these fucking just ropes all on this junk truck and I'm thinking, what the fuck am I supposed to do with all these ropes? I mean, all the luggage is looking the same. Wow. I love that. You should do more puzzles. You describing the puzzles thing, I mean, that's an instant hit if you ask me.
You just have all these trademark things that happen organically all the time. I mean, people are out there wearing Kirkland Signature shirts. They're out there fucking. Where are they? Can you raise your hand if you were one of those people? No, not here tonight, exactly. But, I mean, a lot on the road. He's just going to say, get the fuck out of here, Toby! He turns against his own fans. My goodness.
So you're eating a lot of fiber. Everything's good. You're killing. I counted literally nine more punchlines than the girl that was on in front of you. Um,
An incredible statistic. She had a rough go of it. Yes. Yes. She's six months away from a shot at redemption. That's right. That's what I like to call a storyline. You know what I mean? A real shot at something. Now, if it goes bad again, I mean, let's just face it. It's gonna. Someone's gonna...
I don't know exactly how to tie one of those ropes properly with the fucking thing, you know what I mean? Like, the perfect... That seems like a tough knot. And I'm gonna be honest with y'all. It was a couple of Wednesdays ago. It was my cousin and I. We double teamed that bitch. I mean, it was... It was a blackout Wednesday. Holy shit. She was blacked out. Yeah, I wouldn't... No, I get it!
William, I mean, I don't even know what else to possibly say. Before we go, is there anything else you're passionate about this week? I'm getting rid of the escalator at the apartment. Whoa, you just got that escalator.
A lot of people don't know this, he signed the Dude Wipes deal. That is real, by the way. The Dude Wipes deal is real. And he took the money and decided to build an escalator in his apartment. Now, this is not a joke. I know it seems like, whoa, does he really? It's $200,000 fucking dollars. Yeah.
That's how good I'm doing right now, okay? He spent 200K on an escalator. His apartment, it's not in his apartment. He lives on the second floor. He put it outside to go up to his apartment so he wouldn't have to take it. That's good. That's awesome. Pretty smart. Pretty baller. But we're getting rid of it. It's still in boxes. Nobody's going to come and help take it out of the boxes. So we're getting the pod people to come take it back.
It's in pods. We hired pods. I swear, if anybody ever gets an escalator, don't hire pods to move it because they're fucking, it's a bunch of dumbasses working at the fucking customer service up at pods. I don't even know who runs that company anymore. Well, looks like we might have another sponsor next week.
This is what happens. All it takes is one fan, one family member to tell the owner of Pods that William talked shit. And then nowadays, deals just come around the corner. I think I see what you're doing. You're making a lot of side cash here. Naming brands, calling them shit, and then you go, then a couple weeks later, you go, Tony, you know, I talked shit about Pods. I fucking love Pods. I mean, I fucking love them. I mean, I fucking love them.
I would love to honestly be sponsored by the Kellogg's All Brand. Kellogg's ain't happening, dude. I'm on my second box. I know Kellogg's and it ain't happening. I love you, William, but I don't know if you saw. It's almost Christmas, Tony. You don't think they'd be up for it? I mean, it's almost Christmas. You know what? I think Santa Claus might be listening to what you just said.
If anybody works at Kellogg's, maybe a few boxes. Tony, can William sing a song to the Kellogg's Corporation? Why don't you sing a song to Kellogg's? I actually like this idea. Why don't you guys improvise a Christmas song and this will take us out tonight. We had an unbelievably compelling episode. I mean, who could forget? I want to fucking shoot you right now, Red Band. I'm just thinking. We started with Olivia Carter. We started with Hans, who
who's in the news, Philip Garcia, Matt Robertson. Remember Ryer Cameraman, the door girl, Nick James, Joe Smith, Stephanie Robertson. We've had so much fun here tonight. I think a little Christmas song to Kellogg's improvised on the spot by William Montgomery. Can we get a spotlight keynote who started drinking before tonight's show? So there you go.
He's drinking Jameson. I caught him in the service bar just drinking a giant glass of Jameson. How about a hand for Keno on Sound and Lights back there? He has to get liquored up to do this job. He's so miserable. Here's William. I drank half a bowl of Jameson. No, no, that was Keno. You're getting confused. You're singing about Kellogg's and Christmas.
Oh. That was a different person that did that. That would be... Fuck! I ate two bowls of Kellogg's on Christmas Eve last year. It was two with blueberries and milk. Okay.
My mom was missing as always on Christmas, but we had Kellogg's all brand butts.
I love Kellogg's on Christmas. It's wonderful. Kellogg's on Christmas is one of my favorite Christmas things to do when my mom isn't home. But I love Kellogg's on a snowy, snowy Christmas.
Sometimes you eat Kellogg's on Christmas Sometimes you don't get Kellogg's on Christmas But next year if you really pray to Santa Claus He will bring you Kellogg's next Christmas
Wow! I mean, Hooty Hoo has been called on the field. How loud can this place get for William "The Lights Out" Montgomery? Hell yeah!
And how loud can this place get for one of the greatest of all time, Tim Dillon, everybody. TimDillonComedy.com, The Tim Dillon Show, available everywhere. Truly one of the funniest fucking shows.
human beings on planet Earth. Such an honor that we're still able to get fucking a guy like you to go from Carnegie Hall to fucking dealing with goddamn people pulled out of a bucket. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in, it's unbelievable. Let's look at the drawing from the great Chris Rogers. Ooh, William Montgomery. How exciting, that's up for auction. There's exclusive Kill Tony merch for sale in the lobby on your way out.
There's still a very, very few tickets available for December 30th. I'm on tour in New York City, Clearwater, Florida, and all of January through June. How exciting. Check out the Sunset Strip, ATX.com. See The Secret Show every Thursday. We have shows all week.
Shout out to Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Connect, MobileHealth.com, NinjaBuses.com, Hall Law Firm, and Austin Security Guard Service. We love you guys so much.
How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? That's Matt Muehling on the electric. John Deese on the keys. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deemer on the horns. And one more time for Dee Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. We love you guys. God bless Texas. And God bless the United States of America. Good night, everybody.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
so
so
Oh
