#635 - DUNCAN TRUSSELL + LIL' HOBO
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Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. All our merch can be found for Kill Tony at KillMerch.com. Tony's on a brand new tour. He's going all over the place. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony.

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Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah!

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An extra spooky episode as we celebrate Halloween here in Austin, Texas. And who better to be our guest than one of my favorite comedians on planet Earth and his trusty sidekick. I mean, these two have been cracking me up for literally 16 years.

almost 17 years. Comedy store legend, comedy store icon, and one of my favorite comedians on planet Earth, Austin's own. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great, the powerful, Duncan Trussell and Lil' Hobo. Come on, people. It's fucking Duncan Trussell. Yeah. It's on, baby. It's on, baby.

Yes, indeed. This is a historical, historical moment in the history of the show. Duncan has been on before. Duncan, welcome back. Thank you so much. Why'd you freeze up? Holy shit, I'm on Kill Tony. Tony Inchcliffe, this is the honor of my life to be sitting next to the

himself. This is my favorite podcast and I just can't believe I'm here. Thank you, Lil Hobo. I'm a huge, huge fan of yours. I can't believe we were able to get you. I've always wanted you on this show. Really? Yep. Oh my God, I'm fanboying

This is wild, y'all. Holy shit, this is great. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. You know how the show works, right, Lil Hobo? No, I mean, yeah, of course. Yeah, are you kidding? I know how it works. You get comedians up here, you let them do stand-up, you humiliate the shit out of them, and you make hot dogs! That's right. That's right, Lil Hobo. Absolutely. Absolutely.

And that is exactly what we do. There is a bucket... Wait, wait, Tony, before you start, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't mean to hog the spotlight. But, you know, I am a fan of the show, and I've been working on a Tony Hinchcliffe impression. Would you like to hear it? I would love to hear your Tony Hinchcliffe impression. Okay, here we go. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about some of the things I've said, and I now realize words can hurt, even kill.

I want to apologize to all of the people I have offended over the course of Kill Tony, but an apology isn't enough. Going forward, I intend to donate 50% of everything I make to Black Lives Matter. Oh, you are pure evil, Lil Hobo. Wow, you are an amazing impressionist. That was spot on. It was okay. Fuck you! Fuck you!

He was the best! You can't do impressions! I'm sorry, uh... Seems like you two don't get along at all. He's been... Right now he's withdrawing from ketamine. He has a drug problem. I'm glad he's making you guys laugh, but you are kind of enabling a drug addict right now. Really? Well, we're going on the road! Yeah, heck!

Speaking of hacks, over 175 human beings signed up for the possibility, for the chance of being on the show tonight. What the fuck is this? Oh, it's attached to The Undertaker. And if I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them. We find out more about them and they talk with the great Duncan Trussell and Lil Hobo. Duncan is on a tour right now. Salt Lake City, November 17th. The Comedy Zone in Charlotte, December 14th through the 17th. The Comedy Works in Denver, January 11th. I'm positive you can catch him. And of course the great Lil Hobo. I won't be there. You won't be?

Actually, you know, I was kind of hoping that maybe I could become a Kill Tony regular and see what it's like to perform with an actual comedian. Yeah, these shows are always sold out, little hobo. Have you ever done a sold out show before? No, never have. I've never. I wonder what it's like. That'd be so cool. This is incredible to actually have an audience. It's amazing. Great. All right.

Let's bring the comic out. So I have this bucket filled with names. I'm going to pre-select a name. We're going to grab that person from the bar next door, and they hustle off to the backstage because to start tonight's show, everybody, we have one of our esteemed regulars. You guys definitely know this guy. You guys are fans of the show, right? Well...

This guy's been kicking off every show for years now with a brand new 60 Seconds, fresh off of his first week on my theater tour. Absolutely crushing in these theaters, stronger than ever. This is a brand new minute. Sing it if you know the words. Hans Tim, everybody! Thank you. In support of Israel, I've been going to restaurants and not tipping.

It also doubles as support for Black Lives Matter. Horrible to hear what's happening over there in Israel. Palestinians are being murdered, they're being bombed. It's a real holocaust over there. A lot of Israelis were killed at a music festival, which is horrible, but why are you having a music festival right next to Gaza?

Who are these people like, man, the vibes next to this open-air prison are bumpin', man. Call me a pussy, but I refuse to party a paraglide away from a bunch of hungry, thirsty Arabs. All right, thank you. Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen.

Using his Asian race to be able to offend many other races. You're very racist. Thank you, Tony. You can get away with it. You got the Jews, the blacks, and the Arabs all in 55 seconds there. How do you feel, Hans? I feel great. I have offended some of the most dangerous people in the world. Yeah.

I just have to rely on my skills from the L.A. riots that I learned. You did offend some of the most dangerous people in the world. Also the Arabs and the Jews you also offended during that 60 seconds.

I love it, Hans. What else is going on? I had an amazing time in Ohio in Youngstown, the birthplace of Kill Tony in some ways. Absolutely. I met your brother. He tried to put his balls in my drink. Really? I didn't even know about this. Yeah, it was a hilarious moment. Everyone got to laugh at me.

Did he pull his balls out? This was Donnie. Yeah, Donnie. Jeff was in California. He was pretending to do it. He was pretending to do it. I was freaking out a little bit. He didn't pull his actual balls out. No, no. He wouldn't do that. He's a gentleman. He is. And you got to meet my elusive father. We went to his house and he cooked us a gigantic Italian meal. Oh, it was so good.

Anything stand out to you from that? It was like an episode of The Sopranos. He did have books on Italian cooking and only organized crime. Those were the two things I was surprised to see.

What else, Hans? Liz Splatt. She's a good friend of mine. And we just were up to no good just fucking ribbing each other. And she's calling me Asian. I'm calling her fad. Yep. You, Liz Splatt, and Cam Patterson were young rabble-rousers of the comedy scene. And we had a lot of fun together. Three sold-out theaters packed to the gills.

Cincinnati, Philadelphia, and Youngstown. What stood out to you? Anything else? Cincinnati was great. I took a shower in Cincinnati and my hair has never been the same since. What happened? It is voluminous. I don't know, man. It looks great. Thank you, Lil' Hobo. Yeah. Yeah, Lil' Hobo, what did you think of Hans' set? I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention. What were you thinking about? The apocalypse. Hey. Lil' Hobo. Well, it is the end of the world.

I mean, we all kind of know that inside our hearts, right, Tony? I do agree. Yeah, it's true.

I love it. Hans, not even getting little hobo's attention all the way. Little hobo, what are your thoughts on the Jews and the Arabs and the blacks? On the Jews and the Arabs and the blacks? Well, I mean, I think we're all just the same thing, essentially. You know, I don't see color or race or religion. I just see souls. I see souls that will all be consumed by my father, Lucifer, at the end of days. Yeah, I understand. Wow.

Jesus Christ. Little hobo, really flexing, really flexing. D Madness also, if you guys missed it, said he also doesn't see color, everybody. Or rays, or anything at all for that matter.

uh, Hans, I love it. You're a fucking stud. You came out again, topical material, covered it being extra racist because you can be, but you got the show started. You do it every week. It's fucking unbelievable. Great, great, great shows on the, uh, theater tour this week. Fucking amazing. You're so consistent. Uh,

If anybody hasn't before and you see Hans Kim on the road near you, trust me. Go watch him headline. He's a fucking rock solid comedian. I know these guys watch you do a minute every week and they've watched you do it for years. And it is so hard to do that. If anybody doesn't think it's hard, I challenge you to fucking try it once a week and run it by a friend and watch yourself bomb in front of one person.

But we love you, Hans. Thank you, Tony. I'm in Tacoma, Spokane. Tacoma, Spokane. HansKim.com. Thank you. Regular show. HansKim.com, everybody, for tickets. That was Hans Kim. That

That was Hans Kim. I pull another name out of the bucket. We get that comedian. And the comedian that I pulled first is now behind the curtain and ready. This is our first bucket pool of the night. You guys probably know this is a little off the wall. Anything can happen. We're all going to meet them together all at one time. Could be an insane person. Could be the absolute future of comedy. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Van Dad.

Kay, everybody. The Kill Tony debut of Van Dad Kay. Here he is. So, uh, you guys like anal? Love it? Giving it or receiving it? Oh, baby! This man's an honest man. What about you, sir? You good? All the way good. Hell yeah, brother. Me too, man. That's fucking disgusting. Fuck you! You guys like anal or what?

It's disgusting, man. It's where poo comes from. Yuck. I don't care if you're gay, straight, whatever. Love is love, but poo is poo, okay? I tried anal once. This lady I was with really, really wanted to do it. We tried it. Don't bother. It's a pain in the ass. Not worth it. Not worth it. Not worth the stretch marks. Not worth the smell. Oh, God. Tony doesn't like it. Tony doesn't like it. I'm from Canada, that liberal cuck city.

It's basically a city. It's basically an outpost of the British Empire. Fuck the British Empire. You know what I'm saying? At least you guys did it right. You guys said, fuck that shit. You're America. What do we got? We say God save the king. Wow. Van Dad K. Oh, buddy. Oh, my goodness gracious. Oh, buddy. Wow. Van Dad K.

Vandad, Vandad, Vandad. Wow. Thanks for having me. This is your first time on the show, correct? Correct. Absolutely. Okay. And how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Oh, God, 12 years. 12 years. Are you fucking serious? Yeah, I'm serious, man. 12 years of stand-up, and this is... Doing one minute is hard. No.

No. It's harder than fun. No. Hans has done it hundreds of times and he just had a much better set than you. For me. For me. Right. For you. And I bet ten minutes is hard for you too. No. No. Really? You have ten better minutes than that? I have stories. You got to let me cook. I can't do it like a one minute. I had to come up with a one minute joke. It's different. I'm a storyteller. Okay. I got crazy life fucking, you know. You're doing longer than a minute answering questions that nobody asked right now. Yeah.

I give that set two thumbs system of a down. Thanks for having me. It's just a pleasure to be here. You do. You look like fat Serge Tankian. You look like if Serge was built like a Tankian. There's system of a down jokes that Texans don't understand. Armenia is right next door to Iran. I'm Iranian. You're Iranian? You look like you never rainian a day in your life. Go to them!

My goodness, that was bad. I didn't realize Iranians could bomb it that hard. That is incredible. We blend in. We blend in. Oh, Hobo, that was terrible. Yeah, I think a set like that can only be summed up in a song. You guys want to hear me sing a song? Yeah. Okay, okay. Don't interrupt this with your unfunny shit. Okay, let's go.

Here we go! Alright, Lil Hobo with us. You know, it's not easy to admit it, but I'm a recovering sex addict. I used to have a horrible porn addiction. I would do rail after rail of cocaine and jerk off until my cock was raw. And that wouldn't stop me. I'd just use antibiotic cream as lubricant. I hurt myself. I watch a warm...

Wow, that is absolutely incredible.

Thank you. A little hobo calling it as he sees it. Can I say one thing? Duncan, yes, absolutely. I get it, man. One minute is very hard. It is scary to get up here in front of people you don't know and work on stuff. Stop with your spiritual bullshit. He's so full of shit. He doesn't like that at all. At all. He likes to get pissed on. Hey. Hey.

Not true. That's a fucking lie. Okay, it's a lie. Just like the fucking God you pray to. Another lie. Can I do a joke real quick? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, this is one you'll like, Duncan. What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? What? It doesn't cost $500 to have a garbanzo bean in your mouth. Okay.

It's a stock joke. It's a stupid stock joke. Thanks. I feel like I've heard that one before, Lil. Oh, that was a completely original joke. I just thought up spontaneously. Can I be a regular now? Amazing. Lil Hobo, much, much closer to being a regular than Van Dad K. Ha ha!

you talked about anal for about 45 seconds, which makes sense because your set was as shitty as it could possibly be. And then Canada. Canada.

Yeah. What part of Canada do you live in? I'm from Toronto. Toronto. And there's a lot of comedians in Toronto. You do good there? Yeah, I put on shows mostly and I host. I host open mics. Right, that's how you get booked. No, no. By doing your own shows. No, I got such a talent pool better than me. I'm not pretentious like that. I try to give the audience the best show possible. What do you do for an actual living? Yeah, comedy. No. How do you make your money? Because they have universal basic income in Canada. Yeah.

Not yet, not yet. I wish we should. Horrible. I sell tickets to shows and I book comics, yeah. Wow. Good ones, like headliners, yeah. It's absolutely incredible. I cannot believe it. You don't make money any other way other than comedy. Oh, I'm also in the reserves. The Iranian reserves? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

That's not hack. Oh, but no. Yeah. Canadian. Yeah. The Canadian reserves. Isn't every military of Canada the reserves? Like, what do you guys ever fucking do? Is there a bunch of fucking pussies up there? Guys don't fight for anything.

Yeah, I'm actually military intelligence, which is weird, but yeah. Yeah, well, I don't see the much military in Canada or much intelligence up there. How many times did they make you get vaccinated, military and Canadian? This is going to be crazy right now, right? Two doses and a booster. Hell yeah! Holy shit. By the way, that gives me a chance to talk about my sponsor, if you don't mind, Tony. I'm sponsored by Pfizer.

wonderful pharmaceutical company. Use offer code hobo. You'll get 10% off your booster. Oh my God. Amazing. Bandad K, that was something else, but that's what the show's all about. You signed up. You had your chance. Yeah, thanks for having me. 12 years in the game, and that was your minute, and you're going to have to live with that forever.

Thank you, Austin. Good night. You're leaving here with a little joke book. Here you go, Van Dad. Oh, and he drops it. There he goes, everybody. Van Dad, this way. That's not how you came. There you go. Right back where you came from. Right back to obscurity he goes. The sweet land of obscurity.

Got another bucket pool here. As you can see, anything can happen with these bucket pools. Make some noise for your next comedian, the Kill Tony debut of Cameron Illig, everybody. Or Illig, perhaps. I-L-L-I-G. Oh, we know Cameron. Here he is. How's it going?

Thinking a lot about dirty talk. You guys do that? In bed? I'm very awkward in bed. I can't do it. I think it's easier for girls. I think girls have certain things they can say to get any guy going. And I fold every single time. A girl's like, oh, you feel so good inside me. I'm like, yeah. Yeah, I think so, right? Right back at ya. Girl be like, ever call you daddy? Girl ever call you daddy? Girl called me daddy. I said, yeah, I'm your dad. I'm so proud of you. You know?

This girl recently said, I want you to come inside me. And it was like I did two minutes ago. This is all willpower, baby, you know? I'm trying to get better. I watched that show, Love on the Spectrum. You guys watch that? Never mind. Cameron Ille.

A fucking great performance. We've had you on before. You famously are the white Cam to Cam Patterson's black Cam. You guys are friends from Orlando. Both of you moved out here together, right? I moved out here before and then he came. And you brought him out and you helped him get a job and you kind of put him up a little bit, right? Yeah, yeah. He worked at the golf course for like two months. Yeah. Then he said no. Absolutely. And then he blew up and

And that's amazing. Way, way, way on the fast track. How does it feel? First of all, great set. That was amazing. Very good stuff. I love it. One note, a good note that I have for you that we've covered on the show a thousand times, but I'll give it to you again anyway because it's such a good one, is you don't have to ask them those questions. Those are holding you up. You know what I mean? Have you guys seen this show? You don't need to say that. You're already connected. You already have momentum. You can just go on with your stuff.

But, uh, other than that, fucking fantastic. So what's it like having cam come out here and watching him blow up like that? I mean, he truly is absolutely ridiculously successful and famous just after a few months. His sound clip of the rocks thing has hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of millions of views on both Tik TOK and Instagram. Uh,

We visited my high school for the first time in 20 years this past weekend in Youngstown because I wanted to say hi to the principal. And as we were leaving, that I knew from forever ago, I don't know why you guys are laughing at that. That's weird. There's nothing weird about that. What? Shut the fuck up, sir. Don't talk for the rest of the show.

Anyway, the bell rang as we were leaving and these two like 14 year olds ran up to cam and they're like, Hey, you have any rocks? Ha ha. And they ran away. And it was like, amazing. I'm like, holy shit.

I'm from Youngstown and this fucking kid, like he's absolutely famous. TikTok man. Mind you, this is the same kid that had an 80 year old apparently like homeless man come up to him on the streets of Chicago like, hey, you got any rocks on you, man? Like that. So his range is incredible. Anyway, you started it. How does it feel?

It's pretty wild. I mean, when he came out here first... I mean, my mom was pretty upset about it. She's like, "Why wasn't that you?" You know, but it's fine. I still drive him around in my Toyota Camry, so if I can... Hell yeah.

Absolutely. And you're still working at the golf course? No, not anymore. What are you doing now? Now I work at a gym. You work at a gym? Oh, boy. Wow. What? The eternal spotter? What are you doing at the gym exactly? I say, hey, scan your thing, and then they go inside. Wow. Wow. That is incredible. Okay.

Duncan Little Hobo? What'd you think about Cameron's set? Well, I just love incest anything. And so that joke really cracked me up. I just love that idea of Daddy banging down his little girl. What?

It's the apocalypse. You have to surrender to it, y'all. And I just thought it was, Tony's right. If you just get right into the incest stuff, people are going to love it. Don't tiptoe around. I thought it was great. I thought, don't listen to him. I liked your jokes. Thank you. You know, the whole incest. He's just like, he's going through a lot right now. Oh yeah, I'm creepy, huh? No, sorry.

I'm the creepy one up here, huh? You calling me fucking creepy? That's where you're at? What, because I'm a puppet? Is that what it is? Puppet, man. You're a fucking puppet. Look at you up here dancing around. Little Marianne. Looks like you fly the starship. Suck dick on the starship Enterprise.

I'm so sorry. Please don't. I don't know what that means. Actually, what the fuck are you talking about? Like a gay Captain Kirk or something. Goddamn. That little hobo is wild. I love it. Thanks, Tony. Just let me be regular. I can't wait to dump this piece of shit. I absolutely love this. You might be a new full-time panelist. Who knows what could happen here? I pray to Satan that this comes true.

Cameron, a very, very fun set. You already have a big joke book, right? I do, yes. You've done it. You have a gel blaster. I have a gel blaster. I have many gel blasters, yes. You have fun with your gel blasters, don't you? We have a lot of fun with the gel blasters. They work at nighttime, too. Have you used the new glow-in-the-dark pellets? I've been shot with the glow-in-the-dark pellets at nighttime. Absolutely. Cam Patterson doing drive-bys. I love it.

You can hold the gun sideways and it still fires. All right, Cameron. Very fun stuff. Congratulations. Great job. Follow him on social media.

underscore Cameron Illig, I-L-L-I-G. Now, I'm warning you guys that are, you know, all about bucket pools. This is an obnoxiously action-packed episode. A lot of special treats are in town tonight. This first, well, I'm going to pre-pool a bucket pool here, but this first special treat that you guys are in for won a golden ticket to

way back in Los Angeles, has not been on this show in years. In fact, moved back to his homeland during the pandemic to be with his family, and we have not seen him since. An absolute favorite of Red Band and I's, this is the return of golden ticket winner, first time in Austin, make it loud for the great Steve Lee, everybody. The return of Steve Lee, Kill Tony legend. ♪

Give me ten more minutes. One more time for Steve, everybody. Come on, make some noise for Steve. Alright, good night. That's my axe. Thank you very much. Some of you are like, who the fuck is this guy, right? I'm Hans Kim dressed in a different costume. You know?

I was an exchange student in Kansas many years ago, and my host father introduced me to the concept of Halloween. He was like, "Hey Steve, we gotta go to the store and buy costumes that represent our own culture." So we went to the store. My host father from Kansas bought a Godzilla costume. And I look around the store. I'm Chinese, so I look around. There's nothing Chinese!

I mean technically I could wear anything because everything is made in China. And then my host father was like, "Hey Steve, I found something for you! A ninja costume!" So my first Halloween party I show up as a goddamn disabled ninja! Alright.

Steve Lee. The return of Steve Lee with a fucking fantastic minute. I miss the show, man. We miss you, Steve. It's been a long fucking time. Legend of the game back when we were in Los Angeles and you moved back to China during the pandemic, correct? Yeah, what happened was the whole LA shut down and

I was kind of broke. So I went back home. My dad passed away a year before. So I went home, take care of the tomb. And I was like, oh, I'm going to take a break, a few months break. And a few months turned into three years. And what happened was during the time I find out my mom has dementia. And you know how I found out? She called me up. She's like she...

asked me like, hey Steve, did you steal my money? And she asked me every day. Ah, your mom's Jewish? Hey, Chinese and Jewish, you know, we're pretty similar. I could see how you could be. You do look like if somebody put Woody Allen in a microwave.

That is fucked up. Thank you, sir. Indeed. That's what I do. Fucked up jokes. I wrote that down when you were performing. I looked at you and I'm like, he reminds me of something. What is it exactly? Oh, Woody Allen in a microwave. And what the turning point was, I woke up and my mom was talking for like two hours. I was like, it's not her friends. You wrote down like three pages of notes about like vaccine and things like that. I'm like, mom, who are you talking to?

"Give me the phone!" And I answered and it was like, "Who is this?" And it's like, you know, she's speaking Mandarin, but in Hong Kong we speak Cantonese. And she said, "Oh, we're calling from the government, you speak Mandarin." It's like if an American government agent called you and then they say, "Oh, I only speak Spanish."

It doesn't make sense, right? It's totally a scam call. Yeah. So my mom almost got scammed, and I told her, Mom, hang up the phone. It's a scam call. And her face just turned, and she was like ashamed. And then two days later, I told her, I don't know, my mom told me, Yo, Steve, you know, like, a lot of people get scammed by calls, you know? Like, be careful. Red band. Come on. Be careful.

He came all the way from China for this. He's probably just getting to something. Jesus fucking Christ, stupid hot dog, son of a bitch.

I was gonna get into it. So, clearly, I told my mom, hey, my mom, you almost got scammed two days ago. And she completely forgot about that thing. Right. So, I realized, oh, it's Alzheimer's. So, my mom has Alzheimer's. Ah. And it was like... What the fuck? Yeah, dude. Hey, what's your mom's phone number? What the fuck, little hobo? Oh, God.

What? What? Oh my god, little hobo. You are an evil little shit. I'm a little shit. I like it. Can I do another impression on you? Yeah. An impression of me? Yeah. Okay. I got a few. Okay. Okay. Here we go. I will never be as funny as Red Band, and that's just the obvious truth. Thank you.

Sit the fuck down. I love you, Tony.

Sit the fuck down. Lil' Hobo, I gotta tell you, you were so close to becoming a regular on this show. I take it back, shit. I take it back, man. I thought comedians roasted each other when they loved each other, and I love you. I know. I love you too, Lil' Hobo. Great, thanks. So, Steve Lee, remind everybody of your condition. For those of you that can't see, his hands are turned down for what? Yeah.

By the way, I have feminine hands, so my jerking off is really good. You know what I mean? Oh. That's why I don't need a girlfriend. Hell yeah. Okay. So what was it like being in China during the pandemic? A lot of lockdown. I almost went crazy. No, actually, I bought a VR and...

He has like a VR show. Yeah, Red Band. I would try to go talk to him on VR, and on the way, I got dizzy. So I was like, fuck this. Right. Yeah, that happens. So let me ask you this. You were in China when the famous incident happened with me. And if I remember correctly, when...

you know, hundreds of thousands of Chinese people. Oh, is that when you call me fat? Wait, what? Never mind. What? What do you mean? Go ahead. Okay. You call a Chinese guy fat or something? What? No, never mind. You don't remember what happened with me? Cancellation? Oh, that one. Okay. The fuck are you talking about?

You called him fat. Hundreds of thousands of people were tweeting at me because I called you fat? Anyway, I remember you messaging me, correct? Yeah, yeah. And you said...

What I did was nothing bad, something like that. Because if you see the whole thing, you're roasting the guy. Maybe the word you were using was a little edgy. You don't like that word. Sure, I agree that it was edgy. But if you watch the whole thing, you're just roasting people. Exactly. Now, I noticed that you messaged me that, but you didn't publicly post anything like that at all.

And you, I've helped you many, many times. I've given you a giant spotlight where millions of people see you do what you love to do. But you were in China at the time. Yeah, I left the game. I'm like, oh, you guys go fuck that shit. Yeah, I don't know. I don't care. You left the game? Yeah. Doesn't appear as though you've left the game at all, Steve Lee. But is there a reason why you didn't post anything publicly while you were in China to defend me?

Who's helped you? I guess I'll be arrested by the Communist Party or something. That is exactly the answer I was looking for, just so that you understand how lucky we are to be Americans. Can I just say something real quick? Yes, a little ho-ho. Real quick. By the way, I love China. Me too. I need to go home, so I just want to put this on the record, too. Put that on the record.

Little Hobo is a big fan of the Chinese Communist Party. I have nothing against the CCP, and in fact, I would love to bring some of my products to China. So if anyone from the CCP... Are you made in China, too? What? Oh, man! America, bitch! Texas Pride! Texas Pride!

A true Texan, little hobo. Absolutely. Look at that beautiful... That takes time to carve something like that. That's right. No way that's made in China unless... Well, yeah. What? Well, I was going to say it especially couldn't be made by anybody with hands like Steve Lee. Jesus Christ! Hey, it's tough work. Lay off our fucking... Oh, shit. Oh, my God. You have the exact same hands.

Oh, God, there's not even anything there. That is frightening. There's like hay or something in there. You have hay for... Did you see that? That is scarier than anything. There's hay stuffed in your hand. You are scarier than shit, little hobo. Thanks, man. I guess that's a good comment.

So Steve Lee, what else has been going on? So you flew here for this. You messaged me. You told me that you wanted to come out. You warned me about this. We got you in. So tell us, what's going on? So since my mom's still in stage one, so I'm like, I got someone to take care of her for a month. So I'm like, yeah, let's go party. Hell yeah. Did you really get someone or did you just leave a mannequin there and tell her that? I mean, his brother maybe. Oh, yeah. Oh.

I'll take care of your mom if you need me to, bud. What? That's not a joke. I mean it. It's not easy taking care of an elderly parent, you know? It's hard. You guys really shouldn't laugh at that. You know? These elderly women out there, they're lonely and they forget to lock the door. Oh, little hobo. Red Band perceives that as a sexual advance. I have nothing to do with this fucking puppet. Just so you guys know. That did not come from me. What?

He's wild. I love it. So Steve Lee, what else is going on over in China? Or whatever you want. Talk about anything. I bought some Bitcoin. You bought Bitcoin? God damn, right when everything else is hitting the...

I was telling you, like, oh, I don't have money for the show, like, two weeks ago. And I was like, my Bitcoin went up a little bit. Yeah, I can't afford this trip. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. There you go. Did your Bitcoin really go up, or did the person that your mom was talking to on the phone just tell you that? I love it. Steve Lee, what's your love life like? Zero. Zero? Really? I told you my hands. Really? Yeah.

So what's the last thing that you had happen? Anything? You get any Chinese hookers out there or anything? Oh, yeah, that, of course. Yeah, I love it. I love it, absolutely. Now, have you ever kissed an American girl? Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay, well, in that case, you just fucked that up. Really, really, I mean, jeez, Steve Lee, really? I've never kissed a girl.

It's so sad. I want nothing more than to kiss a girl just to feel what it's like to have loving lips touch me.

To put my lips. Would you really like that little hobo? I would love it so much. Is there a girl out there in the audience? You know, we have a really great fan base here. And is there a female out there that'd be willing to come up here real quick and give little hobo a big kiss on the lips? Anybody? Come on up. Oh.

Oh, look at this. We got one. You can just come this way if you want. You can make it. Look at this. This is amazing. Thank you so much, Tony. Wow. Thank you. The American dream, Lil Hobo. Wow. That's incredible. Amazing. Wow. I've only done rim jobs. Wow.

Oh, fuck. Oh my goodness. Fuck. Wow.

Little hobo, instant legend here in the Kill Tony universe. Steve Lee, so you flew all the way from China for this. How much longer are you in town for? I'm leaving tomorrow. Because I have a gig on Thursday at the comedy store. In China? In L.A. And then two more gigs in the Bay Area. Okay, that's fucking awesome. So you're in the Bay Area this weekend? Yeah.

- Next weekend. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, no, this Friday. I'm flying back to San Francisco. - San Francisco this Friday? Yoni, aren't we in San Francisco this Friday? - Yeah. - We are, right? You wanna do a five minute guest spot at a theater? - I would love to, of course! - Sure, why not? What are the fucking odds? We're at the Warfield, right? - Hell yeah! - What are the odds of that? You guys got this, that really just happened.

Right place, right time. Thank you. Destiny taking over for you yet again, Steve Lee. It's great seeing you, man. I think it's so wonderful that you're taking care of your mom and you're making time for your art. You're a badass. Yep, 100%. Out here hustling. Anything you want to plug, Steve Lee? Just follow my IG, Steve Lee Comedy.

Steve Lee comedy. Follow Steve Lee. Kill Tony Legend. Watch his past appearances. Always funny. He came all the way from China for this. How about one more time for Steve Lee, everybody? Fuck yeah. Yeah. There he goes. Steve Lee. We'll just have the next person grab it. Okay. Yeah. All right. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Tim Warner, everybody. We've seen him before. This is the return of Tim Warner.

Thank you. All right. I've been working on being a better person, and I realize there's a thin line between optimism and delusional. You know, like every time a relationship ends, people usually say, oh, I'm going through a breakup. Well, that's bullshit, because the breakup already happened. What they're going through is a competition to see who's going to fuck somebody first. And the women always win. Always. You know? Yeah.

Do you know when a contestant shows up to the Special Olympics late, they call them tardy? It's kind of fucked up, you know what I mean? They're just slow. You know, if they do it two times in a row, they call them retardy. That's just nuts. It's nuts. Where are you now, cancel culture?

You know what I mean? Everyone worried about the pot calling the kettle black. Well, that's nothing compared to what the pot says when the kettle leaves the room. You know what I mean? That's really when the bad shit comes out. I don't know. Mixed moves for Tim Warner, everybody, before the bear comes out. Minute 15 is over.

Tim, another perfect example of what I love about this show. You know, your first few times on this show, I remember you were all like, you were in a dark, dark place in your life. And your last couple times on this show, you seem to be getting progressively better. You're like sober now and stuff. We've talked about this before. Believe it or not, I know he's dressed like

a big hobo right now. Someone said I look like Joe Pesci from Home Alone. Yeah, it is true. That really hurt my feelings. He's like, dude, you planned this? I was like, no, it's how I dress. You know what I mean? Like if it was Thanksgiving, I would have worn this. It's like homeless alone.

Very good. Writing his jokes under the light of a barrel fire, obviously. Tim, that was a fantastic fucking set all the way through. Thank you. Tell us what else we need to know about your life since the last time we caught up with you. I just, last Tuesday, I celebrated a year clean. Nice. Congratulations. For me, it's a miracle.

Hell yeah. Especially in comedy. But, you know.

Yeah, what a miracle. It really is. If you guys don't believe me, go back, watch his old appearances on this show. I mean, it is crazy. You are like a totally different person with totally, total different sense of humor. Real jokes, fucking totally present on stage. You were kind of like a negative Nancy. You had like toxins flowing through your brain and body before that, you know, you were like a, how would you describe it? The old you. A mess. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it was a fucking disaster. But you were having fun. Cheers to that. Not fun. Oh, God, little hobo. I love you so much. Max, I love you so much, Tony. Please, please let me be a regular on YouTube. You keep this up, you're going to be getting your second kiss tonight. Wait! Yeah. I'll eat your ass.

Wouldn't be the first time I've had some wood near that butthole, you know what I'm saying? Hello! Because I'm gay! I'm really not, but everybody wants me to be. But I must say that wiener looks amazing on you, Redman. He's been rubbing my leg the whole time. That's right.

put a little mayo on that dog. You know what I'm saying? I would relish the opportunity. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to fucking come first. You're going to have to catch up to me. You know what I'm saying? I want to stick it between your bones. You know what I mean? I want to kill that boss. I want to fucking... Can I do a joke? Yes. Lil Hobo. Hot dog is ditching. I sure wish I'd worn a...

Because now I'm on PrEP. You have HIV, little hobo? Yeah, well it is undetectable right now. It's not fucking funny, you assholes! Ugh. It's a serious fucking disease, Jesus fucking Christ. You know what I mean? You just want to have some, go down to the glory hole, just get your dick sucked and suck dick and bang down some sweet ass? Not fucking funny.

Oh my god. So funny about all that. Jesus Christ. Get sick. And wear a condom, y'all. Seriously.

So Tim Warner, you've lived in Austin now for a few years. I always see you at our favorite local coffee shop, writing, kicking things around in your head. How do you like Austin, Texas? Tell the world about it. I love the city. I love the city. It's been great to me, and I hope I can...

give something of value back, you know, more than anything. I just, it's a fantastic city. As corny as it sounds, I really think you are. You know, Austin is a fucked up fucking. Y'all drive like maniacs, though. Yeah, they do. Yeah. Like, there's a little thing on the steering wheel. I don't know if you know. It's like a rod. You hit it up, it turns on the right blinker. You hit it down, it turns on the left blinker, you dumb fucks. Yep.

Especially that right blinker. You sit around, you do 90 to go to Bastrop. What the fuck's going on at Bastrop? Nothing. You don't need to do 90. Well, no, no, that's me. And I'm going golfing. It's not the people going fast that's the problem. It's the people going slow that's the problem in the left lane. They need to get over. Yeah!

I was coming back from my buddy's ranch last week and twice in the left lane on these two lane highways, twice I flash people and they hit the brakes. Everybody. Not getting over, but the brakes in the left lane of a highway. Bullshit. Yeah, even you know. Even you know, Lil Hobo. Fucking road rage. Yeah, it's insane. Completely fucking insane.

Other than that. I'm shocked that you have a car, by the way, Tim Warner. This is absolutely incredible. Well, you just wrecked your car. The drivers out here suck, let me tell you, because I'm a pedestrian.

No, actually I have a car dominium now. Oh, yeah, you live in your car. Yeah. What kind of car is it? Now it's, I can't even, I don't even know if I can say it right. It's a Volkswagen Tijon. Ooh, a Tijon. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, it's like I went from a house car to a car dominium. It's really nice. Tijon. Is that how you say it? Come on, Tony. It's like a Dijon joke. I did a Dijon Tijon joke.

Okie dokie. Not all of them are hits, people. That means a lot coming from you. It was great, man. You are so unique. I didn't know what to expect. You've got this really unique voice, unique look. I thought you were really, really funny. I can't wait to see you do more stand-up. I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday if you can. And you already have a big joke book. I'll take more. I will never say no. Would you like some nicotine toothpicks?

Yeah. From Zippix. Yeah. Zip more, smoke less. By the way, those things are fucking unbelievable. Highly recommend you order some. All right, let's go. Airplanes, really everything they're good for. Dope. They are amazing. And if you decide to un-sober up, Bubba, I got some heavy-duty fucking Fentanyl, baby. There he goes, makes a noise for Tim Warner, everybody. Thank you. Another very fun performance by Tim Warner. Thank you.

Now let's do this inside one that I pulled. I pulled someone from the inside, everybody. If there's an I and a circle next to their name, that means that they are inside the room. Clap your hands if you signed up tonight.

Okay, so there's quite a few spread around. Make some noise for the inside zone. This is one of your own. Usually a first timer or somebody that traveled from a far away land to be here. Make some noise for Sam Armfield, everybody. Sam Armfield. Here he comes. He's going that way. Here he comes. Ooh, Home Alone song. How about a hand for the band? These guys are fucking unbelievable.

If you blink, you miss it. The references that these guys are able to pick up on very quickly. I love the Home Alone soundtrack. It's a very good one. Highly recommend listening to it this holiday season. Use the promo code KILLTONY and get 10% off the Home Alone soundtrack. Here he is, the inside zone, Sam Armfield, everybody. How's it going? So we all feel down sometimes. Sometimes I feel down, but...

I feel unaccomplished in my life, but then I just remember that I could destroy Michael Jordan in a swim race. I mean, I don't know if you guys know this, but he can't swim. And I think, you know, if I was president, first thing I would do is end this mess in the Middle East and Ukraine. And then the second thing I would do is start a program to teach black people to swim, because Jesus Christ, man, we've got to figure this out. I mean, we could combine it into a bill with...

With climate change, you know? I think, uh... Because the sea's rising, you know? Holy shit. Uh... I have a theory, actually. I think pools of water maybe are causing retardation because you don't see many black people that are retarded anymore. Like, you know, I feel like it's all white people. Uh, I don't know. It's either the water or the watermelon. I'm not sure. Okay.

Thank you. Sam Armfield. A lot of black people cannot swim material there. That is incredible. You started with it. You ended with it. Where are you from, Sam? I'm from Maine. Maine. That makes sense. Checks out.

where there are no black people, correct? So you can, that's exciting stuff there, because you're like, hey, look at them on the TV. Those black people, always on my commercials and whatnot. Well, plot twist, I'm actually 30% black, you know, so. No, you're not. I know, I know, I know. That's an insane thing to say. You're 100% racist! Yeah.

If you were 30% black, I would hope that the 30% would be your arms so that you would drown. Because they can't swim. I started swimming since I was three, by the way. You started swimming when you were three? Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Well, Michael Jordan can't swim, though. I mean, that was the whole premise of the joke. There you go.

How do you know Michael Jordan can't swim? I heard about it recently. What do you mean you heard about it recently? I read it. There's some story. Have you heard about this? You guys hear about this? I hear about this. Michael Jordan can't swim.

You didn't hear about that. No, I did. I read it. I think... You did not read that anywhere. Nobody has ever written that Michael Jordan... This is literal bull's shit that I'm calling right now. Extra smart Michael Jordan joke. He was a Chicago bull. That's bull's shit. You have to rewind it. Listen to the joke again. I promise it's funny. Anyway...

You did not read that anywhere. I did. I heard he saw his friend die drowning when he was younger and he doesn't swim. No, that was Eric Clapton. You got Michael Jordan and Eric Clapton confused. Very hard to do. His son fell out of a window, I believe. Oh, Phil Collins. Thank you, sir. Eric Clapton's kid could swim. He just couldn't fly. Oh, my God.

Lil Hobo quickly climbing the charts for guest of the year, everybody. Who saw this coming? Dr. Phil versus Lil Hobo in a battle of the titans. This is absolutely incredible. We're seeing it live.

No doubt about it, little hobo. You are un-fucking-believable. I love you so much. I love you so much. I do. I love you. Oh, my God. If you didn't have HIV, I'd fuck the shit out of you. Oh, really?

Undescriptable. So, Sam Armfield. Yes, sir. Have you ever done, what are we talking about here? You do stand-up? I have never done stand-up in my life. First time, everybody. The goat of the first time. I listen to this show every day on my way to work, and I'm a big fan, and I just, it's like the ultimate, like, hell yeah. What do you do for work?

Swim coach. I audit air systems, HVAC systems. My company has a contract with Costco. I manage the Northeast and...

I used to sell weed and now I just work and I know my check is mine and you know. Okay. Okay. All right. And what do you do for fun out there in Maine? I like picking mushrooms, edible mushrooms, like sauteing them. I walk my border collie. I like listening to music and eating LSD. I don't, you know. You...

So how long has it been that you've wanted to do stand-up comedy? See, I went to the Comedy Cellar in New York City a while back. Honestly, since I started listening to this show, I listen to it all the time. I think it's beautiful. It's a beautiful art. I mean, I obviously probably should have practiced a little bit first, but I just went for it. I planned this trip. How long ago did you plan the trip? In June. Oh, is it worth me?

In June. So June you planned the trip and you bought a ticket for the show in June? Yeah, I saw your promo code and I just went for it. Promo code? Promo code. There's no promo code. These are full price tickets. No, no. It was promo code to get them when they were pre-released and everything.

Anyway, I... Did we do that? We did. Okay, thank you. I wrote a set and I've been like, I was going to do the set, I was going to do the set and then before I took my flight, I just wrote a completely new set. That's a smart move. A lot of people fucking stick with that old set. I can't imagine how bad the old set was for you to replace it. You know what? I think I had some bangers in it. I think I had some... Okay, can you give us an example of the old set? Do you remember any of them? I'm going to talk shit. You left some hangers in there, huh? Bangers, bangers. Oh, bangers. All right, uh...

yeah so uh you know what the kids are saying since I'm getting older I've been uh revisiting some old movies that I used to love I was watching Scarface the other day and like it wasn't the same anymore didn't hit the same like

since I've traveled a bit and I've met some Cubans and Tony Montana didn't really sound Cuban to me. He sounds like deaf, you know? He's like, say hello to my little friend, you know? Like, I just couldn't get past it. It didn't sound authentic and I thought maybe that's why he couldn't hear the DEA coming up his marble staircases. Like, what the fuck, you know? Yeah, that's a good cut. You made a good cut there, believe it or not. I would replace that with a third black people can't swim joke in a heartbeat. Yeah!

Oh my goodness.

Well, Sam, congratulations. Anything else we should know about you? Any fun facts about you? Any special skills or talents? You're in it right now. The show that you supposedly listen to every day. You probably listen to those interviews and you go, I could do better than that. And here you are. You're in it right now. The lights. Look at the lights. Look at the lights. Look at that. Sold out crowd. Those balconies. You see those balconies are filled up there. So you're in it right now. So tell us, what is interesting about you? Um...

If I can do the worm and I play a little guitar. I noticed that when people come up and play music, if they don't sing well, you're like, eh. I think I might have the chops. You really think so? Maybe. Maybe? Yeah. Guitar player, would you be willing to let this guy borrow your guitar? He doesn't trust him. Carter Arrington.

Carter Arrington is vetoing your shot, your trip all the way from Maine. Michael Gonzalez nodding in agreeance, the nicest guy on the crew. Ah!

is nodding in agreeance. Carter Arrington has vetoed your opportunity. You're probably going to die alone in Maine with your border collie whining and whimpering next to you. I'll still be listening. It's all good. Okay, how about we do this? Since Carter is not going to play guitar, how about you tell him what you would have played and you sing and I'll tell you whether or not I would have liked it or not. What do you want to do? I don't know.

Nobody knows you when you're down and out? I don't know that one. How does it go? Can you hum it a little bit? They'll play. These are professional musicians. Once upon a time I was a millionaire. Yeah, no, I wouldn't have liked it. But I'll tell you what, you came a long way and anybody who listens to the show every day, I automatically kind of like them. So even though it was your first time

I'm going to give you a big joke book, my friend. - Thank you Tony, happy-- - All right, congratulations! - Thank you all, appreciate it. - Just 'cause I like you. Yeah, weird, I know. Sometimes I'm a little bit nicer than other days. I'm well rested, my serotonin levels feel good. So there, oh he's already gone, I like that. Very good, very good. I was also going to give him a check for a million dollars, but he's gone, so.

All right, there you go. That's how it happens. I pull a name out of a bucket. Anything can happen. And as you know, a lot of the greatest comics in the show's history we have found out of that bucket. All of the historical figures of the show, including your next comedian. This regular came on the scene in June.

of this year and when he did on his first scheduled appearance, his second appearance ever on the show, blew up and he has been doing this theater tour with me and he brings me on stage and I ride a wave of momentum that I cannot even begin to explain how odd it is for somebody that's only been doing it two years. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

regular and great fucking comedian, the one and only Cam Patterson everybody! I had broke up with my girlfriend before I moved out here and not because of her, it was because of her family. Her family was terrifying. When I met her brother he had just got out of prison so he wasn't even a human being yet, right?

And he was in that bitch for like 20 years. And when I met him, he was like, "What's up, nigga? I'm gonna tell you something, bitch. I love my sister. And if you ever put your hands on her any type of way, I will cut your toes off and mail them to your mama." Now listen, I have sisters too. I don't give a fuck that much. You know what I'm saying? First you gotta find her address and shit. That's crazy. You feel what I'm saying?

So a couple days later, his sister, my ex-girlfriend, she was sucking my dick, right? And she tried to put her finger in my booty. And I don't know how y'all feel about that. I don't like it. She caught me off guard, so I just smacked her real quick off a reflex, right? And she cried a little bit. And she was like, I'm finna tell my brother. I'm like, hold up, bitch, wait a minute. Go get some lube or something first. You can't just raw dog my booty, bitch. That's gay. You feel what I'm saying?

And there's another one. Another brand new minute from Pam motherfucking Patterson. What's up? What's up, little hobo? Thank you, little hobo. You scared the fuck out of me, dog. This is terrifying right now. I love getting my ass fingered. Okay. Your prostate, you know, that's the...

It's called getting milked. I'm living a... This has to be like a nightmare. Red being a glizzy right now, that's crazy as hell. Horrible. This man is super white face. You my biggest fear in life. I want you to know that. In life, dog. Yeah. With a long white beard, a shaved head. I mean, this is fucking... We are polar opposites. Look at that. Whitest face meet blackest face. This is incredible.

Wow. Wait a minute, bitch, wait. What the fuck? Cam Patterson. Gang violence. Gang violence indeed. Come on, now.

You have done it again, my friend. Another new minute. Very hard to do. You're in it now. You're a few months in. This is where it starts getting a little bit treacherous to provide a new minute every week with such high expectations. My old shit gone. Yep. Old shit's gone. You blasted through it. And now here you are. You can't even tell that the old shit's gone and that this is new new. And you're just doing it. A lot of pressure on you. A lot of people watching. That was great.

A lot of people, a lot of haters hoping that you fail. A lot of people backing you, rooting for you, giving you good advice. You're absolutely murdering these theaters. Your appetite for laughter, your demand and editing of your jokes in the big leagues on the weekends that I take you on the road is absolutely incredible. How did you enjoy Youngstown, Cincinnati, and Philadelphia this weekend? My mama now, me and Tony are officially brothers. We locked there for life.

His dad really was in the mob. That was terrifying as hell. He had two gold pinky rings on, nigga. He's killed people before, bro. You know what I'm saying? He is going to hate that you said that. Never mind! He didn't dad at all. I don't know who he is. Me neither till I was four. Anyway...

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He was around a lot when I was a kid. It was after that where the traumatizing stuff started. Anyway, no, I'm kidding.

So, Cam, you were in "Deed" and you met my mom. Cam Nye: Yeah, your mom's the best. That's what the tits said. She's my mom now. We locked in. She funny as shit. Rob Markman: That's right. And I met your mom in Philly. Cam Nye: Yeah. Rob Markman: Hell yeah. We had a lot of fun. I didn't realize. Yeah, it did. Started with your mom, ended with my mom. It was a blast. Cam Nye: Great time, bro. Rob Markman: Yeah. It was kind of like the Wizard of Oz. It started just

black and white, and then it ended... In color. In color. Full color. Talk to me, nigga. Not you. You scared me. Don't do that. You scared the fuck out of me, sir. Cam, what else is going on in life? What else is happening? I'm still collecting them goddamn key cards. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the new one we had got. We got some really nice hotel key cards. Bro, this shit was made out of bamboo, nigga. For real.

Look at that shit. So what that is wood Anna? That's real wood. What? Look at that little bobo put in your mouth Not the strongest John him I got a strong job you'll find out about it later Cam you are incredible

I don't even know. What do you want to plug? Anything you want to get out there? Oh, shit. We do the regular show every Tuesday at Vulcan. Come fuck with us. And then I got my show at Red Band Club every second and fourth Wednesday. So come do... I'm not always there, so don't be mad at me about that. But we bring great people. You know what I'm saying? So come pull up and see that. Other than that, I want to say thank you to my mama. I love you, ma. And... Yeah! Yeah!

How fucked up is that? You tell your mom that you love her and you call my dad a murderer on the same episode. And I love you, Tony, Dad. I love you so much. Please don't kill me. No, if he was going to, he would have on Thursday night when we were there. It was fun bringing you into his house. I had to tell him. I'm like, he's with us. Yeah.

They made it work. I walked in like this. I like this ski mask a lot. Absolutely incredible. I mean, you are so much fun on the road, on stage, off stage. Your fucking spirit is incredible. I mean, what you see is what you get with this fucking guy. For 24 years old, it's fucking ridiculous. Amazing. Great set. Unbelievable. We love you.

How loud can this place get? One more time for Cam Patterson, everybody. Oh, there he stole something. He stole something. He's on his way to not swim. All right. Yeah, I got it.

All right, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, this looks special. This looks fancy. I mean, what are the odds of this? Make some noise for Cam Fatterson, everybody. Cam Fatterson? Is this real? What's up, white bitch?

I ain't fat, but I like rocks. It's a Halloween episode, in case y'all didn't know. I came out as Cam Fatterson. A few years ago, I came out as William Montgomery, so we was having fun on Kill Tony, man. I miss y'all so much. How y'all doing?

The great, the powerful David Lucas. What's up, Tony? Here to pop in and say hello to us on a very fun episode. Yeah, you seem red band dressed as a hot dog and your booty got wet. It is. It is soaking wet right now. My booty self-moisturizes when I get excited. If Tony was in a hot dog eating contest, he would never eat the hot dog, just deep throat it. You're supposed to eat it, sir.

If you were in a hot dog eating contest, you would eat only the bread. Even the arrow in your head ain't straight. Hell yeah, hell yeah. Gang violence, bitch. I got these slippers on. Gang violence. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. You are wearing the gang violence slides. Look at that. My goodness. Stand up so they can see you ain't got no bottoms on, nigga.

Tony gonna take that little thing home and fuck it after the end. Be careful, little hobo. That nigga gonna motherfuck it. I'm such a fan. I'm a fan of Kill Tony. I just gotta tell you, I love you so much. I love it when you come on the show. And, you know, actually, I've been working on an impression of you. Do it. Would you mind if I did it? Say the N-word with it.

I won't do that. All right. I want to hear this impression. You have an impression of David Lucas? You know, I've been working on it, but yeah, I'd like to give it a shot. Okay, here he is doing his impression of David Lucas. Here's Lil' Hobo. Yo, the only thing I love more than having babies are vegetables. Vegetables are my favorite food. It's like when I'm not eating pussy, I'm eating vegetables. What'd you think? What the fuck is that? What'd you think? That's A.I.?

That's scary, nigga. That's scary? Because it sounds like me, nigga. Nigga, I'll eat pussy over vegetables any day, nigga. Well, you know what? Actually, that's impressive. Can I do an impression? Absolutely. Watching the fear in David Lucas' face of seeing AI work is literally... I don't like that shit, nigga. I'm on child support. They can make that thing say anything, bro. I'm out here with two kids, bitch. I don't like that shit. I want to see another impression. It is...

intelligence the fallen angel Lucifer gives me the power to take anyone I want okay here we go the only time I really feel what the fuck weights the gym is like a temple for me it's my church and when I'm there I'm pushing myself harder so like if you see me at the gym I would appreciate it if you would avoid asking me for workout tips I'm not a trainer just a lover of exercise

Yo, this really that Terminator shit We got a kill red man What I don't like that shit red man you fucking 45 year old nerd Turn this you know, you're sorry, but you can make you can make me say anything. What the fuck? That's scary. Tony say that he likes women. I have never Let's hear my Tony impression. Yeah, let's hear it. Okay. Here we go

I don't like this shit, bro. Oh my goodness.

Tony, I don't like that shit, though. I have never seen you this scared before in any way, shape, or form. You know black people scared of technology, man. That's how they got us on that boat to America. They said, nigga, it's BET over there. We got on that motherfucker with some music. They said, you know, we was locked up. Amazing. Is that Journey? Don't stop believing. Is that what that was?

All right, all right, all right. I didn't know what it was. Tony, who shot you with an arrow? Some homosexual? God, this bitch ass. I love you, nigga. God damn, I miss you, boy. What the fuck? I love it. I miss you, too, bro. You look fantastic. Not much to make fun of. You look fantastic. I lost 23 pounds, dog. 23 pounds.

What I did, no joke, nigga, for real. What I did is cut out sugar. I still drink liquor, but I cut out sugar. You cut out sugar? Set the fuck up, bitch. Yeah. I'll beat your ass, nigga. Somebody point, turn the, I wouldn't say turn the lights on, but I bet you can't beat me up, nigga. I bet that.

Amazing. Rocking the Air Jordan. Incredible for a guy that can't jump. I can. You can? I got a nice bird. Oh, shit. This is about to be groundbreaking. Oh, never mind. It's going to be too many jokes. Come on, jump. How high y'all want me to jump? Yes! Yes!

Here he is. Tony, how high do you think I can jump? I don't know. I can't even imagine. You think I can at least get 12 inches? I would love... No one loves getting 12 inches more than me. Let's do it. Do it! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Whoa! Wow!

That was amazing. I was an athlete, bitch. Don't forget that. Wow. My God. I actually heard your knees go out. And I heard your ass go hurl. Tony only gay on four moons, nigga. That motherfucker. If it ain't a four moon, he can't be gay. Tomorrow, I can't wait to see. Halloween is actually tomorrow. I can't wait to see what you jacked up. You gonna dress in sexy red.

What's that? My coochie pink, my booty hole bra. Oh shit. I'm in Miami, if I can whip my riles. Oh my god. That nigga think he ice spice. What are you going to be for Halloween? Not so Lil Wayne? Yeah! I don't even know a gay one. Let me see. What the fuck Tony going to be? What could Tony be for Halloween?

Shit, I don't need no, bro. You got me right there. Yeah. Okay. Damn, that's crazy. Tony ain't never stumped me, you fucking fag. No, you're good. Jesus Christ. Yeah, you're good. You're good. How many kids' candy bags are you going to steal tomorrow? I'm not doing sugar, dog. Oh, that's right. Yeah, no sugar, big dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I leave all the sugar in your tank. Okay. That's an old gay nigga reference.

You remember back in the early 2000s, gay people would be like, he got sugar in his tank. That's how you describe it. Tony, you actually make Tootsie Rolls, nigga, your ass. That is true. D.A.O. shitting them into a wrapper. That shit crazy as mother fucker. That is true. And I know how many licks it takes to get to the center of it. Yeah. Because I'm gay. You know what's crazy, bro? I swear to God.

Lately on the road, the number one question is, who do you have, Rick Diaz or Hans Kim? And I'm like, Hans Kim all the way, motherfucker. Fuck Rick Diaz. And the number two question is, is Tony straight? I swear to God. I'm like, dog, I've called him gay so much, people actually think he's gay. Tony is a heterosexual man. No, he's not. What's the big deal? He swings both ways. We 69.

What's the big deal? Little hobo, why are your feet black? Those are my shoes. Those are my shoes. They were given to me by Typhon, Lord of the Sea. Little hobo, what are your pronouns? What do you mean? Because you look like you could be a they-them. Oh, my pronouns? Yeah, my pronoun is soul eater. Are you afraid of that conversation?

A little bit, man. It shouldn't be. There's a lot of power there. And you know what? I know people who really like you, David Lucas. Thank you, baby. Powerful people. Oh, that Illuminati? I do like that Illuminati, but I'm scared of gay people, little hobo. I don't know how it works. I don't know if they bite me and I turn gay. Like, I don't know how that shit works. If it's like a vampire. You would love it. Being gay in the Illuminati. I'm too big to be gay. There should be a weight limit on gay, man. You're not too big to be gay. I am. Ain't no nigga. Trust me.

I ain't no nigga my size got no business being sassy. You shouldn't be afraid. I'm too big. That's a lot of pressure on the nigga hemorrhoids if I'm gay, little hobo. It is true. I'm sorry if it away, Tony. Shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I gave it away, David. What the fuck? I can't believe I'm up here talking to a dummy. Nigga, I'm losing my mind. Don't feel weird about it at all. But yeah, you guys should know. These two fuckers.

seen it happen they have parties and mansions around here they get high and do weird fucking rituals and everything just what you'd expect actually we left all that shit in la bro we kind of flashed it is true uh being gay and in the illuminati is a great time yes it is

David Lucas, what else? You want to plug anything? Yeah, man. 11-24, the day after Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. I'm in Albany, New York. Ah, you beat me to it there. Look at that. 11-25, I'm in Syracuse, New York at the Funny Bone. December 6, Tulsa, Oklahoma. December 7, OKC. December 8 through the 9th, I'm in Vegas. And December 13, I'm in Louisville, Kentucky, baby. Thank y'all for supporting me. Yeah, great job.

Love Kill Tony always. - Returning to Kentucky, home of his favorite fried chicken. There he is, the great, the powerful, future Kill Tony Hall of Famer, David Lucas right there, everybody. - Yeah! - I was kidding when I said Cam Patterson, everyone. So I'm going to now say who I actually pulled out of the bucket. Make some noise for Luke Newman, everyone. Luke Newman. Show keeps moving along.

You guys smoke weed? I don't smoke weed anymore. Smoked too much. Got tired of taking five minutes to put pants on. You know? It's like, how many fucking holes are in this fucking... You know? I had a moment of clarity when I was trying to hold the automatic door open for somebody at Walmart. Fucking way too fucking high, dude. They were like, are you alright? I was like, you're welcome.

But I drink now, or still, again, more. Also. I love drinking and driving. You guys like drinking and driving? I'm a great drunk driver. I do have two DUIs, but two out of, like, thousands at times is pretty good. Those are pretty good stats, you know? That's a pretty good set.

Luke Newman, this is your first time on the show, correct? Second time. Second time. Okay. Are you working right now? Yeah, I'm currently on the clock. At Shakespeare's, the bar next door where we contain the comedians. That is incredible. I love it, Luke. How's the night going for you? It was good. I was just taking out the trash and then they started yelling at me and now I'm here. There you are. That's how it works. Welcome to show business. I fucking love it.

So the last time you were on the show, how long ago was that? It was two years ago. I came out here to visit and did some recon and then saved some money and then drove out here. So it was at Vulcan. It was at Vulcan, yeah. Yeah. And how did that go?

It went well. I got a big joke book. Okay. Very cool. And so you've been doing stand-up for the two years since then, obviously. Yes. I've been doing it for like six, seven years now. Where did you move from to be here two years ago? Oakland, California. Oakland, California. Yeah. Okay. Very good. And your family and everybody's still out there? Yeah. And you work at Shakespeare's? Correct. And what else? What else do you do for fun here in Austin, Texas? What do I do?

Not much. Go swimming. I love the two DUIs out of thousands of times jokes. That was fantastic. You have a long drive home from 6th Street? No, it's not too bad, like 15 minutes. Okay. All right. Tell us something interesting about you. This interview is... What's interesting about me? Yeah. I don't know, man. Okie dokie. Hell yeah. I think you're going to make it. Thanks. I don't know.

As a bartender here on 6th Street. Seems like that's what you're built for. I'm not even a bartender. I'm just a door guy. You're a door guy? Yeah. Oh, the rag on the pocket. I mean, that's just... Slash bar back. Okay. Yeah. All right. Lil Hobo, what'd you think about his site? I loved his drunk driving joke. Yeah. I thought it was incredible. Thanks. And it's a good point. Those are some really great... It's a great outcome if you think about it, but...

but I wonder, after two DUIs, do you have that tube in your car you gotta blow into to drive? No, I don't. I got lucky. That's really scary. Yeah. Because they should have put that fucking tube in your car, man. They should have. You're out there on the fucking streets just driving around hammered with your bullshit statistics. Kids are wiping shit down.

But I thought you were really... Don't listen to him. He's getting drunk. No, it's good advice. Thank you. That was a great... I thought you didn't... Oh, thank you. So you've been out on 6th Street for a while working as a door guy? Yeah. Craziest thing you've seen in the couple years that you've been a door guy here on 6th Street? Craziest thing I've seen? Places, for those of you that don't know about 6th Street in Austin, Texas, it's literally a festival...

Every single night. Bigger than any festival in your hometown. It's like that on Sundays and Wednesdays and especially fucking weekends. It's absolute chaos. It's so much fun. The best people watching. The most exciting shit on planet Earth. And a serial killer lurking among us. Yeah, wait a second. Little hobo, you ever go by that bridge on Rainy Street down by the river? It's a beautiful bridge. Oh my God. I look at night and just watching the stars.

I heard that they found a tiny little left wooden hand there at one point. Do you know where it is? Do you know where it is?

Well, Luke Newman, you had a pretty decent minute, and you already have a big joke book. You smoke? You a nicotine fan? I'm trying to quit. Well, you know what's great for trying to quit? Zippix toothpicks. Zip more, smoke less. You're going to leave here with a big pack of that, and we're going to keep moving along. There goes Luke Newman, everybody. All righty. Thank you very much. Thank you, guys.

Way to go. All right. We're flying through it here tonight. There goes Luke Newman back to work. He's on the clock and is one of the most boring interviews of the night, so we're keeping it moving here. Pulled another name out of the bucket. We still having fun out there? It's a long episode. Long episode. All right. This looks like a first time on Kill Tony name. I usually remember the Anthonys and the Tonys on the show. Make some noise for Anthony Papaly, everybody. Anthony Papaly. Woo!

Hey! I was watching a porno today and they censored all the curse words in it. Like bleeped out the curse words. I was like, who's this for, really? Like who's watching a porno like, man, this chick is hot but she's got such a potty mouth on her, you know? Have you noticed like porn titles are so negative these days? It's always like, guy fucks his stepmom, stuck under a dryer after Hurricane Katrina, you know?

It's never like a guy fucks his wife of 25 years after a nice dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. It's never sweet or positive. I don't know, porn scares me, right? Every porn was like a guy with a trade coming to your house to fix something, and he fucks your wife. It scares me, man, so I've been learning all these trades now. I'm on fucking YouTube looking up electrical work for some reason. My wife the other day was like, hey, let's order a pizza. I was like, let's just fucking make one, right? Let's fucking...

I don't need a guy coming over today. Anyways, my name's Anthony. Thank you so much. Anthony Papali. Okay. You don't look like an Anthony. Oh, I am. You are? Italian, 100%. What? You look like, if you're Italian, you're 500% Italian. Holy shit. I love the sun. Oh my goodness gracious.

What are you really? What kind of brown are you? What can brown do for you? What are you? I'm Indian. You're Indian. Okay. Absolutely. My goodness gracious. Wow. Wow. Very Indian, huh? Pretty Indian, yeah. I mean, except for the name thing. Like Indian, African Indian? No, just like Indian, Indian. Indian, Indian, Indian? Like Indian, Indian, yeah. Wow.

You look like you rode on the top of the train for a long time. Oh, yeah. No sunscreen. Just up there hanging out. You look like a Slumdog 100 error. Thank you. I'll take it. Wow. That is absolutely incredible. What do your parents look like? Are they darker than you? They're just darker, yeah. Wow. How do you think that happens? Why are some Indians darker than other Indians? What do you think happened along the way on your bloodline?

I think it's just the, we like the sun. We like to be outside. We work outside. You don't think someone along the line? Maybe. All right. Okay. What do your parents do for work?

My mom doesn't do anything and my dad runs his own business. What's the business? He does like education consulting. Okay. Yeah. All right. That's kind of Indian. What do you do for work? Well, technically on Wednesday I'll be out of the military after six years. Whoa. Hell yeah. Congratulations. Thank you. Get on one, baby. What? What? What? What? What?

That's true. World War III.

I know. Yeah, you're getting out right while the getting is good. It feels good. So what branch of the military were you in? The elite branch, Coast Guard, U.S. Coast Guard. Fucking let's go, dude. The Coast Guard? That's interesting since you come from a race of people that can't swim. Like Michael Jordan. I'll take it.

What did you do in the Coast Guard exactly? I worked on ships for a bit, public affairs, kind of a little bit of everything. On a scale from 711 to 911, how much did you like it? How much did I what? Nothing, forget it. What's your love life like, Anthony? I'm married. Married? Married man, yeah. Oh my goodness. You have kids? No kids, no. No kids. Are you trying? No, I don't want to right now. Okay. Why do I have a feeling that your cum is dark brown?

It's uh... Depends what I eat. Yeah. Um... What's on auto there? What's happening? I very rarely get Redman to laugh like that. I think he was choking on his tongue at one point there.

So how long have you been married for? Three years. Now, normally Indians strictly marry other Indians. Is this another case of that? Fuck no, dude. Whoa. I stepped out, dude. Let's go. What do you got? What kind of? I date Barini, another Arab brown, just another kind of brown. So you told your dad that she was Indian. I was like, she's fucking Indian, dude. Yeah, exactly.

Don't even look into it. Exactly. She's brown. I've done that before with my parents. If it's ever a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's just say if it's ever been a half black, half white girl, I've always said super Italian. Works every time. They're like, oh, she's gorgeous. Look at her curly Italian hair. Oh, I like that, yeah. Yeah, it's genius. They love that shit. Oh, yeah.

So, that's that. What do you do for fun, Anthony? I like to just hang out. What kind of hanging out? What are we talking about here? All I do is mics and stuff. I don't do anything. I'm boring. Really? Yeah. Do you have any special skills or talents other than stand-up? Well, not really, no. I play guitar, I guess. No, you don't. I do photography. Really? Yeah. I'm pretty boring. I don't know. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? No.

What do you do? Do you do it slum doggy style? I don't know. I mean, I like to eat ass. You like to eat ass? Oh my goodness. That's how you ended up. That's how you ended up extra brown. I love it. I like the slum. Yeah. Yeah. Brown chicken. What?

Okay, that's fun. You like to eat ass. Sure, yeah. So you have a Bahrainian wife and you eat her ass. I eat her, yeah. Is there something different tasting about a Bahrainian ass that's different than the other asses that you've eaten? I've only had white and Bahraini. White and Bahraini. So for those of you that don't know, that is like... I'll be honest, Bahraini is a cleaner. Whoa. Yeah.

You guys use bidets? She uses a bidet all the time. So I'm like, let's go, dude. Fucking, yeah. Okay. So the white ass that you ate, explain to us what the taste was like. She didn't use a bidet, so it's kind of like the soup of the day. Whatever's going on, you know? It's like a... Oh, shut up. You know. You know what I'm saying? Ah!

Oh my goodness. The soup of the day. The soup du du jour, if you will. Oh my goodness. Anthony Papali. I like your style. How long have you been doing stand-up? About eight years. Eight years? Where at? I started in San Francisco and then when I joined the military I moved around a lot. And you really are out on Wednesday. I'm out on Wednesday, yeah. This must be a very exciting week for you. You're on the number one

comedy show on planet Earth right now. You're out of the military on Wednesday, literally as World War III appears. I'm so excited. I've got to watch it now. Yeah. Get to be a viewer. That's sick. Get to be a real civilian. We're all going to participate, dude.

baby. Read the book of revelations. It's all written down. Yeah. Normally when a draft hits an Indian, everybody plugs their nose, but... Ah, yeah. That happens. Yeah.

I like your style, Anthony. I'd like to hear other jokes that aren't completely porn-related. Oh, yeah, for sure. I got others. It's been covered a lot, so, you know, fun times, though. Congratulations. Hey, thanks, man. You seem like you're very comfortable on stage. Your eight years really shows. I don't know if you know this, but there was somebody, I believe, up here earlier that has been doing it 12 years in Canada. You guys remember Van Dad? I met him.

Yeah. It was really bad. Real bad. It was really terrible. You want to sing a song perhaps about Vandad? Do you have anything? Lil Hobo, do you have anything else? A song about Vandad? Yeah. Well, is he here? Yeah, Vandad's out there somewhere, right? All right, sure. I guess I could dedicate one song.

One more song to that piece of shit. Yeah, it's been a while. He started the episode. He was the first bucket pool. But Van Dad, I've gotten word that Van Dad is watching from the back of the room right now. Great! So we would like to dedicate... Lil Hobo has one more song for Van Dad. Okay. All right. Let's do it, Red Band. Cheer up, kid. At least you got up here to try. That's what's important, right? The sun will come out tomorrow.

At your bottom dollar that tomorrow There'll be sun Just thinking about tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow 'Til there's none When I'm stuck with a day that's gray and lonely I just stick up my chin and grin and say

You suck! You suck! That was fucking horrible and I wish I'd never seen it. You fucking suck! You're awful! You're awful! You make me feel awful! You hurt this audience today. I can't stand you. I'm gonna go take a leak.

Thank you. Little hobo. Little hobo is something else. What a special treat you are, little hobo. Thank you so much. I love you, Austin. I love it.

What is it again? Anthony Papali. Again, I'd love to see more than just porn jokes, but here's a big joke book anyway. Sign up again for the show. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Thank you. There he goes. Anthony Papali. All right. Believe it or not, we have a couple more special treats for you. This is an extra long episode. Is that okay with you guys that you're at an extra long episode? Thank you.

We got as many bucket pulls in as we could in this wild, chaotic episode. So here's something crazy. About a month ago, I pulled some chick out of the bucket. She bombed. She said that her boyfriend also signed up. He came up. He did really, really good. You guys might remember him from about a month and a half ago or so. So here he is. I asked him to come back just to see if he had one more good minute in him. This is the return, first time ever, of Justin Hedrick, everybody. Let's just see how this goes. Here we go.

The quick and painless Justin Hedrick. How's it going? So I grew up in a mostly black neighborhood and dominated at Little League Baseball. Probably helped I had a dad to play catch with. But the rest of the team, the rest of the team were great at stealing bases. We'd show up on Saturday and there just wouldn't be any fucking bases. LAUGHTER

I went to an orgy a few weeks ago and we all got COVID. They attempted to find the source with no luck, so I think I'm in the clear when they find out about the herpes. I did a 23andMe a while back. Not the DNA test. I got jumped by a car full of Mexicans. On my way here tonight, a homeless guy came up and he told me for $20 he'd let me spit on him and call him the N-word. I was shocked.

Even with inflation, you can start a good time with $100. My name is Justin. This is incredible, Justin. This is exactly what I suspected when I asked you back a month later.

I remember your performance showing such great promise. It was your very first time on stage. It was your first minute. I asked you to come back to do a second minute, and here you go, working beats the whole way through. Yes, sir. So you prepared for this month, right? Yes. And did you have fun doing it? I did. I was able to get to two open mics. Yeah. I've got about eight minutes of material now. And that's in where, Phoenix again? Phoenix? Fort Worth. Fort Worth, Texas. Yeah. Right. Right.

And so what else has been going on? Tell us more. It's going to be a quick interview because we're running late into the show. I don't know. Guide me in a direction. I'm nervous as hell. Anything at all. Even though the guy earlier made me feel much better. The 12-year guy, I was clear today. Yeah, of course. You're talking about Van Dad K. Fucking sucked. Yeah. I mean, so bad that Lil Hobo has done two songs in dedication of him. I've got 15 more. Wow.

Justin, is there anything that we talked about last time you were on the show or didn't talk about that I should have covered about your life or your history? All we talked about was that I look old, which I do. I don't really think that. I think you look great. Yeah, I think you look fantastic. You, like little hobos, seems like you worship Lucifer. No, not really. Well, you will. Well, no, you will. I mean, the times that are coming, it's either that or you're fucked. You'll take the mark.

We all will take the mark. Jesus, little help. What are you doing? Relax! You're double vaccinated. He took the mark twice. The mark.

I love it. Justin, I mean, congratulations, dude. You really, there's something, I mean, you have a natural knack at this. That's two minutes where you've gotten laughs and applause throughout. It is incredible. We're going to keep it moving here, but I don't know. Why don't you come back again in another couple months, and we'll just do it again. We'll do it again. We'll run it back again. Let's see if you can do it three times in a row. There he goes, Justin Hedrick. I don't know what it is about this guy, but I like him.

He's good. He fucking does it. So there you go. That was a quick one. You guys want one more special treat, huh? There's another guy who's just like Justin, isn't a golden ticket winner, isn't a regular on this show, but I love giving him a shot. I gave him many shots in the beginning and, uh,

You know, the crowds were against him. He wasn't doing that great. And then his last time on the show, he did absolutely fantastic. Took all the notes that he's ever been given and put it together. He's back once again. You guys know him. He's Kill Tony famous. Make some noise for the one and only Uncle Lazer, everybody. Yeah!

My sister called me earlier today. Said she caught her stepson jerking off and that I needed to talk to him because his daddy's in jail. And I'm just like, well, what do you want me to do? Like, this kid is strangely weird. Like, retardedly weird. Like, not in a funny way either. He's weird like...

He's weird like he's not boobies and fucking bologna sandwich strange. He's like school shooter strange. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, weird fucking guy. Says she caught him jerking off with two sticks of butter out in a lawn chair out back, flurling his pecker around to the neighbor's dog, trying to get the neighbor's dog to lick the butter off.

I said, why am I the first one you're calling about this? She goes, I didn't have anybody else to call. I said, call the fucking cops, Claire. That's not normal. I jerked off regular growing up, okay, to fucking Girls Gone Wild infomercials, okay? You ever jerked off in 30-second intervals of fucking side boob? Magical, okay? I jerked off to real sex HBO. I keep that goddamn Previous Button channel on goddamn Nickelodeon. You know how many times I've actually come to Hey Arnold?

So many times that when I have sex with a woman, I have to, she has to whisper in my ear, go deeper, football head. Boom, Uncle Lazer still showing improvement. The stock continues to rise.

I love it. Closing with a bang. Still a little bit of a long setup there. I don't think you need all that. Yeah, I fucked some shit up. I got nervous. But the back end is fucking good and relatable. I mean, I, too, also real sex, taxi cab confessions. I was a real sometimes jerking off through the scattered pay-per-view porn screen. I did that. Or BET late at night.

Oh. I used to fucking jerk my dick to that Missy Elliott song, put that thing down, flip it, and reverse it. I'd beat the fucking brakes, the foreskin off my dick, dude. Yeah, I definitely, I'm with you on that. I smirced my smiff in a flying flack and everything. I was totally with you. I mean, Tony, I once put my dick in an industrial-grade vacuum shack, like vacuum shop vac. Yeah. It fucking pulled off all my foreskin. I still can't even wear a bathing suit with mesh lining in them anymore. Damn. Wow, look at that. I jerked off with a Ouija board once.

Hey, I'm going to be honest real quick. My grandma had these dolls in her house as a child when I was still in summer and I'm terrified of these motherfuckers. I always felt like I was getting touched at night by these fucking dolls. It turned out to be just the babysitter. You know what I'm saying? But these things take me back to a trauma period in my life. Yeah. Don't be afraid of us. Like a gang rape. We would never hurt you.

We just watch you. Little hobo, every time you say something kind of frightening, I notice that when you look at the audience afterwards, like you say something and then you kind of turn slowly towards them and it makes everything a little bit scarier. Well, it shouldn't make it scarier. I just look to them because I love them so much. I don't see people out there. I just see meat. Little hobo.

What's wrong with you? This guy is out of control. Good night. Uncle Lazer, I love this set. Again, we are running deep in the red here. Long episode. Beautiful fucking boots. I mean, holy shit. You know the only thing better than four fucking aces? Four ladies, dude. Whoa. I was going to say four kings, but...

That's because you're gay, dude. That's right. Still gay. The running joke is that I'm gay. So gay that you can let your girlfriend stay with me. There he goes. Uncle Laser, everybody. That's a good idea. Yeah. I would never fuck your girlfriend because I'm gay. That's right.

Alright, what an episode, perhaps one of the longest in a very, very long time. We got through a lot of bucket pools, we got through a lot of special guests, a lot of special treats, and there is only one way to end an episode like this. The record holder for all-time appearances, all-time interviews, the only living member of the Kilhtoney Hall of Fame.

the Tijuana Tarantula, the Memphis Strangler, the Denver Dracula, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed, lights out, William Montgomery, everybody! Riddle me this, Tony.

What's black and white and red all over? A bloody race war. Riddle me this, Tony. Who can count to seven unless he's talking about how many grandchildren he has? Joe Biden. Riddle me this, Tony. Why is Red Band's mom's pussy so big? She's a whore.

Okay, next riddle. Who's the least scary villain in all of Gotham City? Catwoman. Great Scott, Batman. How will you ever manage? Catwoman. That's not a villain. That's a hoarder. What's next? Plan Mom? Too late. There's already poison ivy and don't get me started on, oh shit, that's not a rash. That can be cleared up in 48 to 72 hours.

Tune in next week when Batman faces a pansexual makeup influencer. Meanwhile, you got Penguin's stumpy ass. He makes Red Band look like Bruce Wayne. And then Two-Face, God, you know what would be even more frightening? Matthew Perry in a hot tub. Get the fuck out of here. No wonder Batman always wins. Okay, that's my time. Yeah!

Wow. A minute, 40 seconds of thunder and lightning from the man who has done it the most all time, the great, the powerful William Montgomery, fresh off of five sold-out shows in San Diego, fresh off of a huge, huge month, another month of successful cameos, and

Tony. You're one of the top earners on Cameo. Yes, William. Tony, the penguin is hurt. The penguin is hurt? The penguin is hurt. The penguin is hurt? The penguin is very injured right now, Tony. It's almost Halloween. I'm worried about the penguin. What happened with the penguin? We don't really know what happened. He and Catwoman got in a fight. Uh...

No, he's really hurt though, so. What? The penguin fell, I think he fell down some stairs or he got thrown down some stairs, something with Catwoman. Penguin's super hurt. We're all worried about him, so send up a prayer for Mr. Penguin when you get a chance. He's super hurt. I mean, he was a very old friend of mine and yeah, he got like thrown down the stairs or something with stairs a couple days ago with Catwoman, so. Oh my goodness gracious. Is that some CIA activation shit or something?

Yes. I love it. So, William, what else is going on? Oh, my gosh. I mean, after the penguin got so hurt, I mean, we pretty much grew up together, Tony, so it's been really hard. Something about he and the cat woman, something about stairs. He's been super fucking hurt. Why did you just shake your head and disgust at that, sir? LAUGHTER

Okay, so the penguin is hurt. I got that part. Penguins hurt. So what else is going on, William? Penguins hurt. We're all looking for Catwoman. I got that. No, but nothing else really, Tony. Yeah, I've learned on the longer shows I can't yell as much, which is a nightmare because I've gotten so used to yelling I can't yell as much. So I've started actually whispering more.

some of the punchlines. Oh, wow. It seems like the crowd is in a ruckus about this. This is like Mike Tyson doing karate or something like that. Ew! Ew! Okay, I'll prove my point. It's actually much better, I think. Okay, here he is trying something new. Give him a chance. This is like Francis Ngannou boxing. You might be surprised. Here we go. I like it when my mom goes out of town because I get to sleep on her side of the bed.

See, it's actually much better. Wow. Wow.

Paul Walker, more like Paul Crasher. Whoa, look at that. I like it. I heard the reason Paul Walker died was because the director forgot to say cut. Oh my goodness gracious. See, it's actually much better. Yeah, luckily it's been working out. Wow, that's really, really interesting. So no more yelling. No more yelling, I'm done. How's your grandfather?

My dead grandfather that we covered last week. Why would you fucking bring that up, dumbass? It's fucking almost Halloween, you piece of fucking shit. Why would you? The penguins hurt. Okay, I got a little laugh. Yeah, I was worried about the penguin talk. Yeah, big time. Fuck you, dude.

But yeah, yeah, no, been whispering stuff. And this actually, Tony, is a very exciting episode. I literally have a...

A brand new actual sponsorship. I'm super excited to tell y'all. I think I'd mentioned on the show before that I don't wipe my butthole anymore. I started doing this method where I take a big shit, I get in the shower, doo-doo gets all clogged up in the fucking drains. There's hair down in the drains. Now, a little fun fact is that while so much of the fun stuff that he talks about is silly and wild, this is actually true.

He famously does not wipe his ass. This is a thing that his parents have talked about to me. His girlfriend has talked with everyone about how she finds little clumps of shit in the shower drain. It was ripping apart my relationship. Every time that he shits, instead of wiping like a fucking human being...

He literally has to get into the entire shower and wipe his hand back and forth along his asshole and let the little shit pieces go down the drain. I know it is absolutely shocking to find out that one of your favorite comedians is... I kind of like sticking my fingers in my asshole. I think that is what everybody would assume. That's a part of that. That is absolutely true. Baby, you're an alpha male. None of us wipe. Well...

little hobo. I mean, your asshole is made of hay. Yeah.

So tell us more. What is this sponsorship? Is this real? So basically, yes. I'm dead fucking serious right now. The penguin stuff, I was lying about. I was thinking that was going to be much funnier, but it was a giant fucking Halloween disaster. But no, my new sponsorship is Dude Wipes, okay? Whoa! We love Dude Wipes. I can now wipe my butthole in the shower. I'm wiping...

I use the dude wipes in the shower. I should be using them. Wait, that would not be how you use the dude wipes. You wouldn't have to get in the shower to use a wet wipe. I can wash my hair at the same time I'm cleaning out my asshole, Tony. You know I'm a big time saver. I literally have been doing that. Really? I TT and brush my teeth at the same time. I shed. They dissolve in the shower, though. They're safe for your drains. Oh,

I can't even fucking understand your stupid answer. We got it. We got it. So I see that there's... What are all these boxes? So basically, I'm very too excited to announce I'm the newest fucking spokesperson for Dude Wipes. Wow! Who the fuck wants some Dude Wipes? Oh my goodness.

The place is in chaos. Who wants to fucking do it? Get your hands in the air! He is asking that everybody... Whoa! Really? Maybe put a little arc into it, will you? There you go. Dude wipes! Dude wipes! There you go. There's dude wipes coming. Put your hands in front of your face. The penguin is injured! Hey, you...

Wow, he has literally got boxes of dude wipes. You get a dude wipe. You get a dude wipe. Wow, this is unbelievable. - You get some dude wipes! - Dude wipes! - Oh my god, William, put a little, put a little, William, put a little on. William, William, a little more on. There you go.

There you go, a little arc under it. I'm working on it! Wow, there are dude wipes flying through the air. Remember that any injuries from the dude wipes are not responsibility.

Joe Rogan, Kill Tony, Death Squad, Golden Pony Productions. Wow. Talking to happy people. Yoni, are you getting this?

Oh my God. William! Oh my goodness. Whoa. This guy... This is absolutely incredible. What a moment in Kill Tony history as the crowd is excited about getting dude wipes. Dude wipes! Tony, those are the best dude wipes too. I hope it's never it. These really are...

an unbelievable product. William, you got some over there. Up there on that. Those guys want some dude wipes. There are dude wipes absolutely everywhere. Dude wipes! They're paying me a thousand dollar for each one of these I throw out. William, somebody up in the balcony wants some dude wipes. Dude wipes!

Balcony. This is a disaster. There's so many people with bloody faces. That corner over there, look at that. I'm getting good, Tony! You're welcome! Whoa, whoa, maybe keep the lights on, Keno. Yeah.

there you go imagine how much money he must be making right now indeed all right all right all right

This is absolutely incredible. A historical moment in the show. Incredible!

So many people just got Dude Wipes. There are so many boxes still behind you. I guess I'm getting word that anybody that didn't get a package of Dude Wipes is going to get some on the way out. How interesting is that? My little earpiece. Brought to you by Dude Wipes, which is an absolutely unbelievable product. Everybody uses them. Use offer code Duncan!

And congratulations. You know, of all the sponsorships that you've said that you've had before, this one actually seems real. It's a very real win. Get your dude wipes. I'm wiping my asshole now. I'm proud of it. I used to be embarrassed about wiping my fucking asshole, but now I'm not embarrassed anymore because it's not wipes for like a pussy or something. It's for dude's buttholes.

I swear to God, I'm not putting some fucking woman pussy fucking thing near my butthole. It's only dude wipes. In honor of Catwoman, I'm going to let the cat out of the bag and just say it. I mean, the people over at Dude Wipes, I do believe the owner or something important very high up, literally heard about you not wiping your ass.

And literally, it is a true, real partnership with William Montgomery. So support Dude Wipes, an unbelievably great product that loves William and loves Kill Tony. And congratulations. That's a really big deal to have an actual sponsor when your job is yelling and whispering for a living. Coming up with penguin stuff. That was a disaster. Yeah. Usually when somebody tries something that doesn't work, they don't repeat it 15 more times. But it's...

Part of your brilliance. And look at you. I mean, you're sponsored by Dude Wipes. So who am I to judge you? I know. No fucking women pussy shits going near my asshole. Absolutely. Ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time for the legend, William Montgomery, everybody. Thank you.

And that's another episode of Kill Tony. Extra, extra long. Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, ConnectMobileHealth.com, Hall Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service, NinjaBuses.com, CM Smokehouse, Bonsai, and Zippix. How loud can this place get for Duncan Trussell and Lil' Hobo? Salt Lake City, November 17th.

Comedy Zone in Charlotte, North Carolina, December 14th to the 17th in the great Comedy Works in Denver, January 11th, 12th, and I do believe the 13th. Unbelievable. DuncanTrussell.com for tickets. The Duncan Trussell Family Hour. Lil Hobo, thank you so much. I love you, dude. You're the fucking man. I love you so much. You're fucking fantastic. I love you. Thank you, Austin.

Unbelievable, Dungan Trestle. One more time for the best damn band in the land.

Carter Arrington, D Madness, Paul Deamer, Michael Gonzalez. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight over there. Whoa! Hans Kim versus Rick Diaz with a little Mortal Kombat twist. He's going to be auctioning that off in the lobby after the show. The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in, and it is absolutely incredible. Check this out.

Look at that. That's from the artist that draws it during the actual filming of the episode back in Los Angeles. He's drawn every episode. RyanJEbelt.com to check it out. And yes, exclusive Kill Tony merch available for sale in the lobby on your way out, Red Band. And check out my comedy club, The Sunset Strip, right next door. SunsetStripATX.com. I love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody.

See you next time.

Love everybody. See you next Monday.