#630 - DR. PHIL (ADAM RAY) + SAM TALLENT
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Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. All our merch can be found for Kill Tony at KillMerch.com. Tony's on a brand new tour. He's going all over the place. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony.

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Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe. You guys ready for the best fucking night of your lives tonight or what, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Brian Red Band, everybody. Hi!

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Tony spelled K-A-C-H-A-V-A and get 10% off your first order. That's K-A-C-H-A-V-A.com slash Tony. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Every single week, I always have two of the funniest human beings on the show. This is very, very exciting. How many of you have been fans of the show for a long time? How many of you have just started listening in the past couple years?

All right, well, there you go. - Bunch of liars. - Very, very exciting. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special night. Both of these guys are up for guest of the year, guest of all time, two of my favorites. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dr. Phil and Sam Talent. Sam Talent, one of the great brilliant minds of comedy right now. Dr. Phil.

People, you gotta make more noise than that. It's Dr. Phil and Chantel. There you go. Holy shit.

Sam Talent with his podcast Chubby Bohemoth, his book Running the Lights, SamTalent.com with two L's. A lot of fun stuff happening. Comedy Works Denver, Thanksgiving Day weekend. Welcome back, Sam. It's an honor to be here. Thank you, Tony and Red Band. And of course, what an honor it is to sit here next to the legend, Dr. Phil, everyone. Oh, please stop. It's very nice of you. I'm excited to be here. I see a lot of bad attitudes and

Guys with cock rings and secrets. This guy's got Down syndrome, but you know. Look, we're all trying to work through stuff tonight, and I'm excited to be here. I think it's adult onset Down syndrome, too. Adult onset Down syndrome. Yeah, that's new. That's one of those. It's like a new variant of COVID. Well, it's because of the vaccine, I think. Because of the vaccine probably did it to him. Yeah, we'll be right back. You have a funny face.

We're going to have fun tonight. I can't wait. It's my favorite show in the entire fucking world, so I'm very honored to be here. Yeah. You should clap. Dr. Phil filling in for one of our favorite guests, Adam Ray. Couldn't make it here tonight. Fuck that Jew. Yeah. Whoa. I was relieved, honestly. Yeah. Yeah. Let me sing another song and buy a hotel for a homeless guy. Fuck off.

Who fucking cares? Be funny, you fucking poser. What a fucking loser. Suck my dick and my pussy and my crack. We'll be right back. Holy shit. I don't know. I'm on six different types of pills right now.

Dr. Phil is here. Adam couldn't make it, but he did want me to plug his special, Adam Ray, live from Portland. It's on YouTube and tickets. He's doing massive theaters all around the world, adamraycomedy.com. Who fucking cares? It's crazy that guy has a career. Oh, shit. Single mom. I get why his dad left. Yeah, I know. I heard it was because his mom was very loose. Oh, yeah. Big, big... They called her Loose...

Pussy girl? I'm bad with improv, but they called her a loose pussy girl or something in middle school, and it stuck. It stuck. Sort of the cum to her tits. We'll be right back. But all right, I'll clean it up. It's just minute five. I'm getting going. But you guys are fun. One more time for Sam Talent. I'm a big fan of this guy. Here we go. Living legend.

We are going to have fucking fun tonight. Sam, you've been on this show. Dr. Phil, we're excited to have you. A lot of these people that get pulled out of this bucket need help. 155 souls signed up for tonight's show for the opportunity to have a chance to get up on the show. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds of stand-up comedy time uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. God. Which interrupts them and then I interview them and they talk to our esteemed panel. All together we find out more about them and what makes them special and different.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Let's do it, baby. Let's fucking go. We're starting it off with a bang tonight, ladies and gentlemen. I pulled the first name out of the bucket. We go and we get them from the bar next door where they're all wrangled together. But tonight we start with something very special. For those of you that have been following this show closely, you know that one of our great regulars, Hans Kim...

has had a lot of highs and lows in life. He started on the show two and a half years ago from living in his van to making it. I mean, the guy works every fucking weekend selling out clubs all around the country. The catch is that sometimes here on the show...

Sometimes he's a little bit lazy with his minute. So what we started doing months ago is if he has a bad minute one week, the next week he's challenged by a random challenger, someone from the history of the show, for his regularship. So literally he performs every single week, but sometimes he's going up against somebody minute against minute, and the audience decides, and if he loses...

That other person is the new regular. You are here on a magical night because this is one of his challenge nights. Wow. Wow. Yep. Yep. And I thought the prostitute I was going to buy later was going to be the best part of my night. I was sorely mistaken.

Well, Red Band was gonna buy it. I was gonna get sloppy seconds. You know how he does it. No, please, tell us how he does it. All right, so every Tuesday... Stop! I get a text. You know, I'll email you. Tony? So, this is one of those weeks. Now, Hans Kim is 5-0 all time while being challenged. I mean, he literally is 20 times funnier usually when he's challenged. Let's see how he does this week.

You guys know the words to this song? How do they, how does it go? Ladies and gentlemen, Hans Kim! Thank you guys. My name is Hans Kim. I am gender fluid. I am biologically male, but my dad identified me as a pussy. I think this Lizzo story has gotten way bigger than it should have gotten. I think it's just bursting at the seams at this point. It's just...

Very unhealthy how big this story has gotten. Just a classic case of fat on fat violence. Okay. These people, they can't hurt each other. They're too padded up. They just have to insult each other. Out of breath in two steps. I like to fly with drugs. That's kind of my thing. A lot of people get mad at me, but it's like, hey, this is my emotional support animal. Okay. It does way more for me than your fucking dog does. Try snorting your dog. It doesn't do shit.

Once I'm in the air, you can't arrest me. I'm out of your jurisdiction. I mean, how high does America go? Yeah, that's enough. Dr. Phil coming in. You heard the cat. You heard the cat, motherfucker.

Funny stuff though, funny stuff. Thank you, Dr. Phil. No, Lizzo's fucking, she's too fat, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's like how fat, you know, save some cookies for the rest of us, am I right? Yes, Dr. Phil. Sorry, you were saying? I hate Lizzo. All right. I think she's obese. Yeah. Yeah. You and Lizzo, doctor, you both are, you're both always Phil. Yeah.

Yeah, you know, I respect what Lizzo was trying to do, but, you know, I just couldn't. She was a little too preachy. You know, she'd post on Instagram like, hey, watch me get in this hot tub. I was like, well, I do got a couple hours to kill, but... All right, we'll edit this out, I guess. But, no, I get why she's a topical... Do you always do topical material, Hans? This is my first time seeing you live. I usually do a lot of race stuff. Oh, hell yeah. Like, uh...

And what's the best race to put down? Right now, the Mexicans are really hot. It didn't seem like you were in a race to get to any punchlines. It was. That's at Sam Talent on threads.

It was a shocking amount of light jabs, I would say. There was a lot of them. I counted 11, but it was very light, like bink, bink, bink, bink. Yeah, I did the Lizzo stuff. We know. We were here. We were paying attention. Yeah, no, we heard it. You opened up with the words, my name is Hans Kim, after you came out to a crowd singing, this is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim.

This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. That was a strong indication of who was coming out. I followed the breadcrumbs back to it being Hans Kim. Frankly, I'm shocked it's you. Get the fuck out of here. We'll be right back. I mean, come on.

Hans, how do you feel about that set? How do you feel? I mean, I feel like the audience was sort of like, let's see what you got. Yeah. And then they were like, we got it. Now that we know what you have. Yeah. Moving on.

You're always, I'll tell you this though, Hans, and I've seen a lot of Asian comedy. You love Asian comedy. You were telling me that. You're always, you're always a delight. You come out with a, with a pep in your step. Okay. And some sort of STD brewing. Uh,

And I know that your fame and popularity as of late has created a culture of gals that are privy to the Hans Kim experience. Can you share with the audience, my new friends here, what's a recent experience sexually that might be some material down the line for you on stage? I took my girlfriend to Las Vegas. We had a lot of hotel sex. Yeah, does this story get better? I just started, Dr. Phil. All right, I'm sorry. Take your time.

What kind of sex? What's your go-to position? Missionary. I've been focusing a lot on her ass. I've been touching her butt a lot. Yep, the black guy likes that response. James Atkins showing a little favoritism. That's what it sounds like, yeah. Who would have guessed that a guy like that likes a white butt? What, a man wearing a hat? Yeah.

Don't make me laugh, Sam. My mustache is gonna fall off.

So there it is. Another new minute from Hans Kim. Now let me remind everybody that Hans has done hundreds of minutes on this show. Yeah, it's really impressive. Hundreds of new minutes. Not easy to do. And we're about to see a new minute from your opponent, Hans. If you want to put that mic in the mic stand, we're going to bring Hans back out in a second as the audience will decide who had the better minute. One more time for Hans Kim. He's going to be right back. He's going to be right back.

Hans' challenger tonight has been on the show a few times. We love her. She has always done a good job. This is going to be very, very interesting. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Hans' one-minute challenge tonight. Jamesha Albo, everybody. A new minute from Jamesha Albo. Here we go. I guess it's Kung Pao versus Chicken tonight. Yeah!

I'm Jamisha, I'm 28 years old. It's the oldest I've ever been and getting to that age where my pussy doesn't stay as fresh as it used to. Like I can't shower in the morning and have 24 hours of freshness. If I don't wash my pussy like I brush my teeth then my vagina wakes up with morning breath and there's no mint for that.

They've got all types of shit now to keep your pussy fresh. They've got sprays, they've got creams, they've got washes and wipes. I saw some shit the other day that was like a Glade plug-in. You just fucking shove it up there. At the top of every hour, it spritzes out this Japanese cherry blossom. Some of you women don't think this is all that funny. Man, my pussy doesn't stink. Shut the fuck up. Your pussy stinks. I can see it in your fucking eyes right now. Thank you. That's my time.

There you go, Jamesha Alba with a brand new minute, the old stinky pussy minute. Yeah, if I had a dollar, Tony, for every time I smelled a stinky pussy, I'd have like four, at least four bucks.

I love it. Jamisha, welcome. Hi. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Excellent work. Oh, thank you, Sam. The great Sam Talent. Great Sam Talent. Yeah. What's going on? This is so great. Thank you for having me. It is. I've been doing good. It's been a while since I've been on. Thank you. I love it. I don't even have to host. Go ahead. Oh, no. I know. What's your Wikipedia page looking like? Oh, my God.

It was great. Very funny. Have you considered bigger earrings? Yes. I have bigger, but I didn't want to go too big tonight. You should have gone straight hubcap with it. Oh, my God. Yeah, player. Yeah. Those are... Black people love hoops. Okay. There we go. Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody. That was very fucking funny. You're not laughing the way that joke should be received. That's a black basketball guy joke, and it's very funny. Thank you.

Yeah, there's Red Band a little bit too late with a whistle. Okay. Yeah. Okay, okay. Was that John Samos on the electric guitar? Oh, no, that was my theme song. Yeah. That's actually the sound of my rape whistle, so... That's going to entice some cool rapists to show up. Oh, yeah. You know, I like to treat my rapes the same way I get out of quicksand, just...

lay there and don't struggle. I don't know. Oh shit, too soon. How often are you combating quicksand? Not often. Funny Sam. Yeah, is quicksand still even a thing? And I know it sounds like a Seinfeld bit, but is it? It's not. What's the deal with quicksand? Yeah. It's not that fast. It takes a long time. You're drowning for hours. And is it even sand?

Sam, what did I tell you about making me laugh? I have some spirit gum in my pocket. Oh, no, it's real. So, I...

Hans had a rough set last week. I said that he was going to get challenged. I didn't have a challenger in mind specifically. I was drinking after the show at the bar here. Jamisha approaches me and she says, I want my shot. I want to go up against Hans next week. Let's fucking go. You asked for it. Let's fucking go. How do you feel like it went? You heard his set.

We heard yours. How do you feel like you did? I felt like it went okay. My only goal was to do better than Uncle Lazer, so I feel like I accomplished that. You did that. Wow. You did that. Make some noise for that, everybody. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Thank you. You definitely did that. How many times did Uncle Lazer ask to touch your hair? You know, this could have been Uncle Lazer versus Aunt Jemima. I don't know. I don't know.

Okay, Jamisha, we got the minute out. And now let's bring them back. Here's Hans Kim, everybody. This is the moment that we've been waiting for. 5-0 against Challengers. I leave it to the audience. Ladies and gentlemen, how many of you have Jamisha Albo? Jamisha, how many times have you been on this show? Three. Three times total. That was her third new minute on the show. How many of you have Jamisha Albo winning this?

Whoa, that's very loud. Two and a half years as a regular on this show, hundreds of minutes. How many of you have Hans Kim retaining his throne? There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. He did it again. Six and O against challengers, proving that he does better when there's pressure on the line. How about one more time for Jamisha Albo, everybody? There she goes. Good job, Jamisha. Very funny.

Hans Kim, you lazy fuck. You put it together, only when under pressure. I won the most efficient way possible, just with a barely beater. So that's... Whoa, whoa, whoa. All right.

Somebody wants to fill out some paperwork. Hans, I think that was pretty close, though. At the start of her set, I think me and Tony both looked over and was like, oh, fuck. When she opened with that Kung Pao versus chicken, if she would have held that momentum, dude, you'd be fucked right now. You and your rickshaw be heading down 6th Street, fucking... Yeah, you'd be drowning in some rape quicksand. Yeah. Remember from earlier? Yeah. Some quick rice. Yeah.

I thought it was smart of her to open with a funny joke. I thought that was... I think that kind of swayed me a little bit, you know? Yeah. And I think the overwhelming underlying racism of the crowd helped you, Hans. Thank you for your racism. Wow, he even did a Hitler thing there. Yeah, I saw that shit. Fucking piece of shit. He went with a left hand, too. Oh, my goodness. Like he was making a call to Hitler's bullpen. Yeah. Wow.

Thanks, Sam. I thought that was pretty good. It is incredible. They're all slam dunks, Doc. Did you do the Hitler thing on purpose just then? No, I was just harking the audience. Oh, okay. Hey, hey, hey. Once is funny. Twice is real, baby. With his eyes that closed, he cannot see what he's doing. There he goes. Hans Kim, everybody. Still a regular on the show. He's got his own theme song and everything. This

This is it. Your first name out of the bucket. The show, really, the meat and potatoes of it starts now. A lot of these people are fucked up. I'm excited that Dr. Phil is here. He's going to help. He's going to really give some people some fucking life advice. I think we've got a real opportunity tonight, Tony, to help some people get better. And I'm fired up. Hey, hey, hey, let's do this.

Your first bucket full of the night. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Brian Sullivan, everybody. Here we go. Dreams are coming true. These people wait all day and night for this. Brian Sullivan. I hate how inclusion's a thing. Not everybody needs to be fucking included in everything, okay? I got a best friend. His name's Tyrese, a double amputee. I love him to death. I treat him like a normal person. So when I get drunk, I kick him in the chest too. You know what I'm saying?

And me and Tyree, we tight like that. That's my brother. I take him out to the club. We smoke. We drink. We get high. I treat him like a normal dude. That's my dog. And one day, he got all sentimental on me. He was like, hey, man, don't think I don't see everything you do for me, bro. When I get my check next week, I'm going to take you out for a night on the town. I was like, you know what? It'll be a Friday. You ain't got no legs. I ain't got shit to do. Let's do it. And I thought everything was all shits and giggles until he took me to a quadriplegic strip club. The place was crawling with pussy. It was crazy. That shit.

Bitches was like, "Tip me, daddy." No, tip me over. She said, "That'll be $30." I said, "To hustle the same? Goddamn, okay." Coulda at least gave me half off for something, it's crazy. Y'all, my name is Brian Sullivan. Thank y'all so much. - Brian Sullivan making his Kill Tony debut. Sam Tallent giving him a hug. This is incredible.

Absolutely amazing. I've known Brian since he started. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Thank God, because if you didn't know him, that would have been weird as fuck. I know. I was like, am I going to have to suck his dick now? You're funny as fuck, though, man. Great job. Great work, Brian. What if you bombed? That would have been a nightmare. Yeah, I wouldn't have heard the end of it at cookouts with you. Oh, my God. I'm always at the cookout. Yeah. There I am, just at the cookouts looking out for the ops, you know? You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

We had to check a box, bro. You always get the invite. Yeah, I know. Yes. Golly, what an exciting night. What are you doing at these barbecues that he's at? I'm his P.O. It's true. I have to make sure he is where he says he's supposed to be. And you know how they are. They're rather tricky folk, you know? Yeah, yeah.

No, Brian's like family. This is so exciting. I didn't know you were in town, dummy. Yeah, man. What the hell? I'm sorry. What the heck? I didn't know you were in town, bro. Yes, you did. Oh, yeah, I did. By the way, I'd watch six seasons of you guys just talking back and forth. Yeah. This is amazing. You guys both live in Colorado? Yes, sir. Or Colorado, I guess, for you. My God. Whoa. Come on. Come on. Um...

I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my fourth year. Fourth year. Do you really have a friend that's a double amputee? Yes, I do. Out of you and the double amputee, Tyree, who's the better swimmer? Surprisingly, Tyree. He floats. But it's not very stiff competition. So wait, so you're saying right here and right now that amputees are better swimmers than black people?

I mean, Tyree's black, dude. - Yeah. - I raised my hands. - He's... - Double trouble. Double trouble. - But he's kind of shaped like a turtle, you know?

I've seen him in the water. This is a great thing to have someone who knows the paraplegic you're referring to. It's like a comedy checkpoint here. Yeah. He's a real half man. I've seen him. You've seen him? You've seen Tyree? Oh, yeah. I know Tyree very well. What does he do? David Lucas actually roasted the shit out of him on Roast Me that day. Okay. I'm looking for him. Tell him I'm looking for him. What does Tyree do? That's a good question, Dr. Phil. He does comedy. He does comedy? Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

He has a hilarious little motorized device. And at Comedy Works, they have to help him get on stage, and it's always a hoot. Yeah. They do. They have a lot of ledges there. It is funny. Sam's sister gets all drunk and rides and kicks him off, and this shit is crazy. Is that true? Yes. I have video of it. These are all true things. My sister's married to a black man. What? I know. Now I've seen everything. Yeah, bro.

What's next, a dog wearing sunglasses? Now, where are you from? I'm originally from Gaffney, South Carolina. Hell yeah. Oh, you're claiming South Carolina when you're from Colorado Springs? I live in Colorado Springs. Thank you for calling me that. Yeah, by the way, I've only seen two black guys call white guys the N-word, and it's always very exciting.

Because I'm always like, what did you... Sam's trying to pretend it didn't make his day. Yeah, it always does. I literally thanked you. He's going to text me later. You got good energy. Your act outs were fun. Thanks, man. I like when you turn sideways. What'd I look like? You looked like Tyree if you had legs. I love that. Brian Sullivan. How do you make a living, Brian? Yeah, tell him the truth.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Now, this is... By the way, this feels like an episode of one of my shows. Yeah. Where you come up here pretending to be a comedian when you're really a woman. No, no. Who are you? What do you do? Who tells you? If he was trans, he'd have a Netflix special. What are you talking about? Yeah.

I'm not touching that, all right? No, I'm a contract renewal specialist for a software company. Oh, wow, okay. What do you really do? Huh? What do you really do? I work from home as a contract renewal specialist. I don't think I like your fucking attitude, Brian. Come on, man. Black people can't be in software.

wearing it over the phone. No, they can't. They can't. You're right. Now, let me ask you. Is that the dream? I'm always curious about the original game plan because we all come out of the gate, right? Like, I'm excited. I can do whatever I want. And the universe goes, no, you can't, you fucking pussy. Yeah, that's true. But you strangled the universe and you said, I'm going to make something of myself. I'm going to be in software. Yeah. But what was the original kid dream, Brian? I wanted to be a rapper. That's what I'm saying. Whoa. Have you ever rapped? Do you know how to do it? No.

Yeah, you do. You're black. You're black. You know what to do. Come on. Give me a little beat here. Give us a beat, baby. Come on. There you go. Just do it. Hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on, white people. Where you at now? Come on, white people. Where you at now? That's all I know. That's all I got. That's a little diddly called Come On, White People. Yeah. You can find it on iTunes, number one. Wait, that's all you got? Really? No clever rhymes or schemes or... No dancing? Yeah. At least you're the running man. Look, man. Ha, ha, ha.

Dr. Phil is out of control and I love it. Holy shit.

My boy. He said, my dog. Not as good as the N-word, but I'll take it. Yeah. I don't know you like that. You know what I'm saying? Okay. I'll hit you up on Facebook, baby. You're the reason for bad baby. Very funny. Very funny. It's funny because Tyree can only do the worm. Also funny. Shout out to my boy, Tyree. I hope he's watching. He would kill through the running man. If he could have done the running man, his legs wouldn't have been taken by that thresher. Oh.

We'll be right back. I feel like a good time to take a little ad break, Tony. Tony, say something about HelloFresh and their avocado spread. That's right. Zippix, nicotine toothpicks, Zipmore, smoke glass. Who wants it? There you go. Let's go. Absolutely. I just killed a woman.

Brian, how long are you in town for? I'm here tomorrow. We're doing Cap City with David Borey. Let's go. David's hilarious. Great, great. You're leaving here with a brand new handcrafted by Bones Eye killer fucking Texas leather joke book. Yeah, fuck yeah. Amazing. And you're leaving with a gel blaster, a state of the art, nothing more fun than that gel blaster. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time, an amazing appearance by Brian Sullivan, everybody. Thank you.

That's a way to fucking do it. God damn. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go. We're just going to keep it fucking moving. Make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds for Chaddo, everybody. Chaddo. Here we go. Here's Chaddo, everyone. What's up, everybody? A little bit about me. I've been happily married for six months. Yeah, thank you. In total, it's been 24 long fucking years, though.

Yeah. She's alright. She adopts a lot of animals, though. We have five dogs, two cats, and a couple of those, um... Fuck. Those kids running around. But this last dog she adopted, I think, is racist. He's racist because he's always barking, growling, and snapping at me. But he's really cool with my black friends. They're always hanging out, smoking weed together. Won't pass me the blunt. Yeah.

But people ask me, "What's the hardest thing about being married so long?" And I'll tell them, "Saving money." Saving money is gonna be the hardest thing because when you go out to dinner, these two-for-one specials really aren't that special. You still have to buy drinks, appetizers, dessert. And that shit I'm not gonna buy if I'm going single or Dutch, right? And these dating apps, 30 bucks for Tinder if you click single, divorced, or separated. But as soon as you click married, Ashley Madison pops up. I'm not trying to spend 300 bucks to fuck some married chick. I was trying to spend 30 so I could fuck that cashier down at CVS. All right, I'm Shadow. That's my time.

Alright, Chaddo. I fucking love CBS. Me too. My man. Immediately connected. I think people would assume that Chaddo and I are actually friends. We could be. I don't think so. Sorry, buddy.

No, there's plenty of room for you and the crew. I'll buy a drink. I mean, I got a car. We can drive to gigs. I don't know. Wow. I have a car. That seems to be a popular thing about comedians. Most of them don't have cars. Most of the ones you hang out with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boy, maybe we should call Adam Ray and see if he'll buy you a car, you fucking loser. What a fucking piece of shit. All right.

Chato, welcome to the show. This is your first time? First time. 63 sign-ups, I believe, in a row. Holy shit. Wow, look at that. That deserves a round of applause. Amazing. Wow. You gotta stay patient. That's what I always say. Stay patient, stay the course, right? And look like you, you know, run a chain of Applebees, you know? Yeah. Exactly, yeah. It is true. You look like if the lead singer of Creed didn't believe in God. Yeah. Can you take me lower? You know? I'm good at that.

You know who else has his arms wide open? Tyree. All right. Because that's the only limb that he has. You remember Tyree? Okie dokie. No, we got it. We got it. Chaddo, how long have you been doing stand-up? So my plan was... Oh, here we go. Oh, right.

I wanted to meet my first time on Kill Tony with that first set 63 times ago. Wow. I didn't do stand-up before then. I signed up three weeks in a row and said, fuck it, I'm going to start doing comedy up the creek in the cave. I went down there and been doing 15 mics a week since then. Wow. 15 mics. Hustling, baby. A week. Cash me inside doing stand-up comedy. I'm surprised...

You made it that long. Thank you, thank you. I gotta be honest, I was having many multiple panic attacks trying not to reference that twat in some fashion. So, Chaddo... For a child, she had enormous breasts. Yeah, she was... I don't know if... Well, I'm not gonna say anything about that, actually. But other than you're right... Yeah. Um...

Speaking of... What is the age where you can... Like, if you were at a daughter, Tony, and she was like, I want... Let's say she's, I don't know, like, what's... I guess, ladies, what's the youngest age that it'd be appropriate to get something, you know, 19?

Who was that? I like this one. Whoa, that's a bad mom over there. Bad mom. Welcome back to shitty parent. Yeah, Jesus Christ. I don't know what the question was going to be. Yeah, I don't know. I just... You got nervous, didn't you, Don? Yeah, sometimes. I don't know. This guy... Haven't we... Didn't I buy like drugs from you at some point? I think so. You like mushrooms? I do like mushrooms. Yeah. Okay, so let's talk about it, Chaddo. What do you do for work?

I own a cannabis college. You own a cannabis college? Explain to everybody what the fuck that is. So I teach people how to work in the cannabis industry, like how to recommend what to certain patients, like indica, sativa, hybrids for what patients, like edibles, how to dab. I teach you how to do everything to work in a cannabis dispensary. What do you do after the first hour? Yeah, we smoke a lot of weed that first hour. Yeah, yeah.

A cannabis college to differentiate indica and sativa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to make sure you understand the differences. But also, there's so many things to recommend to people, like chowder, diamonds. There's a lot of sauces and all sorts of things. And this is a college. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should not be accredited, sir. Not many university presidents wear a Duff t-shirt. I had a feeling it was...

You look like a guy that likes to fuck chicks with implant scars. I like that. He does. How old are your kids? Not everything's going to be a home run. They are 23 and 21. 23 and 21. Wait, you're a dad? I am a dad. He tell. Well, yeah, you did that. He did that joke about five dogs, two cats, and what are they called again? Kids? Somebody's paying attention. Oh, that's right.

You forgot the name after 23 years of having them? No, they just went into the furniture after so much time. None of this adds up. Do they still live with you? I feel like you live with them. They pay rent. You're 100% correct about that. Are they phony? No. That's why they pay rent. Rent's in the family.

Did you award them scholarships to go to your cannabis college? They actually teach a couple of classes. They grew up in it. How to not answer your dad's phone calls? You still

You still with the baby mama? Oh, yeah. 24 years now. 24 years. How do you keep things interesting in the bedroom, Chad? Give us an example of how you... 24 years with the same woman. One day, my wife came to me and she goes, hey, I think we should open up our relationship. You'll get a lot more girls and I'll meet a lot more guys and we'll keep things spicy. And so far, I've met no girls, but there's been a lot of guys coming over. Yeah.

See, now that's a funny joke. Thank you. I've been doing it. That was a year old material. Well, you should have done that tonight because I saw the joke about the kids coming. But it was funny. But let me just tell you, when you get real and you break things down, that's when we start to figure out who you are and why you are. Coming from a man dressed as Dr. Phil. What do you mean? That's Dr. Phil, you faggot. The fuck do you mean guy dressed as Dr. Phil? Shut the fuck up, dude. And I usually don't condone that word, but that was an appropriate usage of it.

Now, I do want to ask you this wholeheartedly, because I was trying to give you a compliment, but you got real defensive. So let's address that for a second. Okay.

Yeah, why can't you accept love, Shadow? Maybe that's your problem. I've been married 24 years. It's very hard to accept love. So you made a joke that you said, let's open things up, but nothing's come your way, but a lot's coming to your wife. Inside of her, yes. Inside of her. Now, is this true or is this for fictional comedic purposes? This could be both. Because you strike me as a guy who, when a guy walks in, he's like, I'm going to buttfuck your wife. You go, please don't, and then he does it anyway in front of you. We'll be right back. But I do want to thank...

Yeah. Don't fuck with me, motherfucker. But... But I... No. But what I was trying to say was you're funny and when you got real and you weren't trying, that... I got very invested. So I want you to... to... to go down that path. What's your wife's Instagram handle? Yeah, I knew that was coming. She's got a secret show this Thursday. Okay. Chaddo...

Did this go how you thought it would go? 63 times you said that you've signed up? Actually, yeah. It's about what I figured. Okay. What's different? For those of you, there's a lot of people that sign up. There's a lot of people that want to sign up. Your anticipation, I'd imagine, has stretched. Does that mean 63? I don't think we've done 63 here. So you were signing up back at Vulcan as well. Correct. Yeah. I started out at Vulcan. I used to wear suits. I used to wear

We don't know. We're not asking about that. So how did this feel? What's different? What did you not expect? Well, tonight I was playing poker next door. No one asked you that either. Okay. Chato, here's a little joke book. There you go. There he goes. Chato, everybody. There he goes. I have so much to talk about. Chato. There he goes, everybody. All right. We're having fun here. Ladies and gentlemen, you guys having a good time? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

This is a very, very exciting moment. I'm going to bring up one of the regulars of Kill Tony. He has been on the road with me absolutely killing. The boy is absolutely famous. It's incredible. He gets recognized everywhere. He's a star. He's been on the show only a few months. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you another brand new minute from the rock star himself, the future, Cam Patterson, everybody. Thank you.

I be fucking Chad, old wife. I fucking love you. I fucking love you, dog. I fucking love you, dog. I be fucking his wife. Yeah, you are. When I was younger, I never understood hood slaying. Shit never made sense to me. When I'm from, they call out girl that a hoe, we call them fast.

But I never got that. He from where I'm from. He get it. Listen, but I never understood that. You know what I'm saying? And there was a girl in my elementary school, or my middle school, and she was sucking dick at 11. Now, do not be alarmed. She one of the top OnlyFans models in the world right now. This bitch caught and chased her dreams. You know what I'm saying? She did her shit. Now, when I was 11 years old, she came up to me. She was like, Cam, I want you to meet me by the baseball field. I want to show you something.

And all my friends was like, "Oh boy, you finna have a good time. You know she fast, right?" I'm like, "She ain't faster than me. Nigga, I'm fast as shit. She dance so ain't faster than me, nigga." And touchdown. - Fuck yes. - That's hot. - Bing, bing, boom. Pam motherfucking Patterson. - We outside, you know what I'm saying? - You're a force, dog. - The field! - You're a force, baby. You're a force.

The only black guy that can touch me like that. I fucking love you, dude. You're a rising star. I love you too, man. I was just in St. Petersburg, Tampa. Yeah. They fucking love you, man. Yeah, they're my people out there. Yeah, they love you, dude. Shout out to them boys at The Gimmick and shit. Shout out. The Gimmick, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shout out. Yeah. They're my niggas. Yeah, they're my friends too. Oh, man. Hey, Doc.

What's up? You wanna see my rock collection? Oh, shit. Can I be honest? That's the only reason I came to this show tonight. I got some rock for you. Analyze those for me. See what you got in there. God bless you, man. Now, riddle me this. Is there a purpose behind each collectible? Oh, well, I like this one. It look like somebody bone. Yeah.

I'll put that inside of Chad's wife later. Shout out. My homeboy Miles gave me this one. This one's dope, you know what I'm saying? A white bitch that sucked my dick two days ago gave me this. I really like this one. So that's like a good luck charm. I'll put that one in my back pocket. And, oh. Yeah, and then you left a, okay, I don't know if this was on purpose, but Cam left a bullet in his, okay, well.

We'll be right back. I feel like... What the fuck? Oh, shit! Yeah, it's okay. Everybody stay calm. We're good. We're good. We're good. Remember the Chad dick joke thing? Okay. Holy fucking shit. All right. Quit touching it! Yeah, I'm sorry. No, keep touching it. Keep touching it. Touch it again. Yes, rub it. Rub it together. Yes. It's like a dildo for Brad Williams. Okay, that's funny. Fuck you. Brad is a great comic. Go see him on tour.

- Oh my God. - Cam Patterson, it's all happening. Sam Tallon admiring the bullet. - It's a good bullet, right? - Okay. - Can you imagine if your dick was this big? That would rule. You know, Tony, I found something last week. He gave his rock to somebody in the audience to touch and she took it and he was really upset about it because that was one he really liked to touch. - I went outside and I found that bitch. - Yeah.

I was gonna say. - Oh, yeah. I found him. She ain't get far. - No way. - I found him. - This place is filled with facial recognition cameras and shit. There's no way anybody's getting out of here with them. - Trust me, I got my rock back. - Oh, yeah. I bet you did. And then she had to give you another one after she sucked your dick.

Talk to me. I have a question. Is there a location you'll go to find rocks? Or is it-- do you just kind of-- is it-- 'cause rocks are everywhere, right? - Yeah. - Or do you have-- is there, like, a park that's more conducive? Nah, just, like, regular street rocks. - Hell yeah. - Hell yeah. Yeah, because they've been through something, right? Yeah, they've been through shit, you know what I'm saying? They've been through life, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, 'cause we all have things that we're trying to overcome. Yeah, talk to 'em. Talk to 'em, Dr. Phil! Well, let me fucking finish, Cam, and I will. All right, yeah, it's all right.

I love you, dog. No, I will say this, though. Rocks, what you're doing, you're carrying around a little symbol of yourself, okay? Mm-hmm. I'm being fucking serious. Stop laughing. No, it's, you know, but you get what I'm trying to say. I think that there's a deeper meaning behind you collecting these little treats, you know? Yep. Have you ever seen a rock, though, and been like, fuck, you deserve to stay in this puddle? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And what was her name? Keisha. Keisha, yeah. Sounds about right.

Well, you're getting... I don't know how you do it, Cam, but you get funnier. I saw you, I think the last time was like a month and a half ago. You weren't here last time, Dr. Phil? I watched it, I'm saying. Oh, you was here. When I watch the show on YouTube, I feel like I'm here. Oh, yeah, 100%. You guys ever watch a show on YouTube? It's a fucking delight. It is true. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I mean, when Hans... Kim walks off stage is when I really get invested. But, um...

No, but for real, it's, yeah, you just, I don't know, you're grinding. You can tell. You got to, hell yeah. You got to. You have to, right? Sam, what's that thing you always say about grinding? Talk to him, Sam. Get the mortar out, get the pestle out, put your hopes in there, grind it all the way down. Next thing you know, you got a reality. Uh-huh. Hey, look, I want to tell you some real shit. I got your book, nigga. Thank you. I don't read it, but I got it on audiobook, you know what I'm saying? I listen to it.

That's a good step towards literacy. Yeah, yeah. Well, look, I didn't have much to say, because I don't know if you've ever been up here watching Cam talk to Dr. Phil. It's very difficult to maintain any sense of reality while this is all going on. All right? So, yes, I was just giggling quietly for the last four minutes. It's Dr. Phil, nigga. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

- He's so bald, nigga. It's like a basketball, you know what I'm saying? - Yep.

Cam, what else is going on? You've been on the road with me. I mean, again, I think I mentioned this last week, how much fun it is to have Cam on the road because he reminds you of how special things are. Sometimes you have so much fun, you forget how exciting it is when you start out. The thing that stood out to me this week, I took him to, we did a massive theater in Columbus, Ohio, and

And we went to the best steakhouse in the city before. And he was amazed at how great the service was. I think we'll quit. These motherfuckers don't even... We weren't even out of Coca-Cola. And there was another one. All these things throughout the meal. But they were fast as fuck, dog. They were.

Hey, Cam, how fast were they? Not as fast as him. Oh, I'm fast as shit. Right. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm trying to help you get merch off the ground, Cam. I missed the lob. I'm sorry. That's all right. That's all right. We'll do it again. I'm Arvita Sabonis, all right? You're Clyde Drexler. Who is that? Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Well, I forgot you're 15. I should have... Yeah, you're so young. I'll help you out. He's Miley Cyrus, and you're...

You're that so Raven. There you go. Yeah. That's still a very old show. Yeah, that was in the 90s. So anyway, we're having this steak dinner. The waiter takes the Caesar salads away and there's a pile of black pepper in front of me on this bright white tablecloth. And this waiter grabs the crummer out of his pocket, does one swipe and it's gone. And what did you say? She had a teleportation device. It's gone.

Really, it's one of those you had to be this. I ain't never seen no shit like that before, dog. I almost choked on a crouton to death the way he said it in the moment. This motherfucker have a teleportation device because it was. The black pepper was there and then it was gone. I thought he threw it on Tony. I was going to fight his ass. I was ready to beat that nigga ass, dog. Don't throw it on my goddamn best friend. Bitch, I'll kill you.

Gang violence. Gang violence, nigga. We outside. Gang violence. Talk to him. Talk to me, white nigga. Hell yeah. And the hostess, the hostess at Hyde Park, the best steakhouse in Columbus, Ohio, recognized Cam and gave him fucking pyrite, fool's gold. She had a rock in her office. She brought it out and gave it to Cam. Yeah, that shit was dope. I left it in Columbus, but I liked it at the moment. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Oh, shit. I mean, that's a great beginning to a rap song. I left it in Columbus, but I liked it. DJ, hit me. - Yo. - Here we go. Dr. Phil, ladies and gentlemen. I'll start it off, and you pick it up where I leave off, okay? - Talk to me. - Yo. - Talk to me. - Feel it. Feel it. Yo, he touched the top of my head. Yo. I didn't even get out of bed. Yo. 'Cause I was trying to figure out where I've been. - Yo. - And where I'm going. Where I'm going.

I lived it in Columbus, but I like it at the moment. Maybe take a picture and check your fucking boner. Do you have the time or do you have a rhyme? Fuck Chad's wife and fuck her ride. Oh my God. Put your hand there and wave them like you don't care. Hey!

Cam Patterson is here to stay. He's got rocks. He fucks bitches. Not in that order. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. He'll be right back. But he also ain't going anywhere. Cam motherfucking Patterson. The future has arrived. You saw it here again. There he is, Cam Patterson, everybody. Make some fucking noise. Oh my God.

Oh my god. I don't even know. Dr. Phil and I are gonna get fucking trashed tonight. Yeah, I don't have to be in Phoenix until Thursday. Shout out to the Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport. What? I don't know, man. Oh god, I am having too much fun. This is unbelievable.

Sometimes I get to be a fan and the host at the same time. This is ridiculous. I pulled a name out of the bucket. It has an I circled next to it, which means that the person is inside of this room. It is an audience member that had the courage to sign up. They almost always

tend to be more interesting than the nervous comedians that are funneled together. It's usually almost always a first timer. Something special is about to happen here. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Tony Robinson, everybody. Here we go. Let's see if we can get some... We have eyes on Tony. Here she is right here.

Price is Right style. All right, Tony! Oh, shit. I think she has one of those bachelorette fucking headbands on. This is going to be a mess. Guys, make some noise one more time for Dr. Phil, everybody. Am I right? Holy shit. This motherfucker just rapped. He just improvised a rap. Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil.

This is amazing. One more time for Tony Robbins. Here we go. Here we fucking go. Come on, straight from the crowd. Make some fucking noise. I'm from East Texas, so I am so nervous. I don't want to offend anyone. I don't have the wokeness you guys have here. I have a lot of questions. Okay. Do black people's lives still matter the most? Can I skip ahead to Asians or have I waited too long?

Is there such thing as a Mexican with no siblings? Because I've been told that like, yes, that's a thing, but that's how Jesus makes the chupacabra. And do I hurt my gay friends feelings when I don't like something and I'm like, man, that sucks so hard. Or do I hurt my black friends feelings when I smoke a blunt and I'm like, I've just got caught in mouth so bad.

I'm not really sure. If I can say retarded, what can I say? Because I've heard touched before and I kind of get it. Maybe like there's like this retarded tooth fairy that flies in your room while you're sleeping. Like, but not straight. She's like kind of leaning to the right. Oh, I mean left. I'm sorry. I forgot where I was. But when you wake up with a fidget spinner under your pillow, you're either retarded or you're Chad's wife. Goddamn.

Goddamn, goddamn, goddamn. I liked it. Compelling premises. Holy shit. This is incredible. You're like a funny Amy Schumer or something like that. Welcome to the show, Tony Robinson. Thank you. I've thought about this for so long. I'm so excited. I love this. I love all of y'all. We're all here together. Wow, look at that. So much positivity. So excited. You better keep that headband away from Cam. Thank you for being

He's going to get the wrong idea. Yeah, you're not going to give me a bullet, are you? No. Oh, shit. It's hard to get it out of those pockets. So I did. I brought him a rock. It's black like him, but it has a C made out of pink like me. Yeah. Yeah. And then it's right there. Yeah, right. That is not a street rock. He's going to hate that. No, I got it today at Uncommon Objects. It's not a street rock. It's at a white people's store, but whatever. Yeah, that's some juice.

This is some Joanne Fabric shit right here. Yeah. That is incredible. Feels nice, though. It's nice, right? $10? I don't know. It didn't say what kind it was, which devastated me. I would like some information. Feel that. It's as smooth as Han Kim's brain. It is incredible.

Cam's going to love this. I can tell. I really, really can. This is incredible. So let's talk about it, Tony. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? This is my first time. Wow, there it is. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Great job. Thank you. Great fucking job. Good job. How long have you been planning and preparing for this moment? Since I saw Adam open for Adam Devine. That was the first day literally I ever wanted to do this. So when was that about? It was years ago at this place in Dallas. It was so long ago. But literally, that was the first time. So you mean to tell me that you saw Adam Ray. You didn't know who the guests were tonight. You saw Adam Ray open up for Adam Devine.

Yeah, a long time ago. And when you saw Adam Ray, you're like, holy shit, this is something that I want to do. Yeah, I was, oh, yes, because when we got in the car later, I was like, he probably makes up these jokes every night he goes out, right? And they're like, no, he makes a set and he gets to prepare and it's not as random as you think. Adam Ray, he's a known hack. Oh, well, I want to try. Yeah. He makes it look real natural, but we all know what he's doing. Yeah.

It was funny at first, Sam. You watch your fucking mouth, all right? I don't get it. No, you're right. You're right. Now, let me ask you this. So you saw him and you go, he looks easy. I just know, no, I'd buy. So you were, you, I don't know if I should say this, but he was the opener. Let me have this, please. I'm divine to everyone new from Workaholics. Adam Ray, not so much. But then I knew that Adam Ray had a joke skit that he did about going to,

I love his skits so much. He was trying to apply for American Idol or whatever, and he sang the theme song to Full House. But then Adam Devine said that's how he applied for the Pitch Perfect show, and I was like, this brain's wrote the joke for that guy. And I kind of realized that the talent may not always be like...

the Adam Devine but the Adam Ray opener just because they're brains. So then I, yeah, that's a big moment. You heard that, Adam Devine. You ain't shit, bitch. I might have officiated your wedding and I love you but also fuck you, motherfucker. That's right.

Is that real, though? Is that real? I thought that my whole, like, for a while. I don't know. I don't even know what you're talking about. But to be honest with you, I just want to talk. I want to put the attention back on you and say that for a first time, the nerves were apparent, but you worked through it. Because any first time we do anything, and you can all feel me on this, you come in half glass full of...

but ready to climb the mountain without a backpack. Does that make sense? Yeah, whatever he wants. Yeah, sure, yes. Right. Yes. Now, your backpack, you know, might be filled with crustables and gummy bears, but I just want to tell you. Maybe edibles at least. Maybe edibles for sure. Let me finish. Normal gummy bears. But your jokes, you came with jokes, and I'll say this, a lot of people sometimes will get an opportunity to hit the Kill Tony stage, and they flub up, and you fucking came in ready to just fucking squirt everywhere. Yeah.

So I'm impressed by that. You also were real racist real fast, and that was a little... That's always enjoyable. Sam? You loved it. I was watching you over there. That was your favorite act of the evening, right? Yeah. I saw you. No, no.

Don't rimshot it away. No, no. Yeah, uh-huh. Thank you. To be fair, she's never been this close to so many black people, so this has to be... She's got a backpack and junk in her trunk. Let's talk about it, Tony. You're from East Texas. I liked the racism. I liked how you said... Okay, thank you.

I liked how you set it up. She set it up clean. She didn't just go straight into, you know, if you would have just said to Black Lives still matter as much or whatever, that would have been crazy. But instead you said, I'm from East Texas. I'm not woke like you guys. You gave yourself a little, you did it very professionally, especially for a first timer. Yeah.

I watch this shit all the time and plan. So here you are. You're in the mix right now. What do you do for work, Tony? I'm a bartender. Okay. Yes. And where in East Texas do you live? Corpus Christi? No. Well, I don't know if it's laughable compared to that. No. I live in Tyler, Texas, which is much smaller than Corpus Christi, but...

What's the population of Tyler, Texas? Oh, like 100,000, I think. Is that where Friday Night Lights took place? Patrick Mahomes came from pretty much, yes.

White House is Tyler and yes. So there we got that. We made that. So Patrick Mahomes. You're welcome. Yes. All right, relax, Tony. Yeah. You could tell by the silence nobody gave a fuck. That's the only thing. I thought people everywhere were really into him. I'm so sorry. It's all right. He didn't matter. Yeah. Tony, what's your love life like? Great question. Ambitious. Whatever.

What did you say? I'm so sorry. No, no. What's your love life like? Just nothing right now. You're like on dating apps? What do you do? No, that's always been exhausting. No, nothing. I guess I just honestly, I think about doing this all the time and care about it more than men at the moment. I know. I'm sorry, but that's for real. So like the last time you were, the last time you were, wow, listen to all those fucking prude women out there rooting for you. I love it.

I know a guy who'd love to hate fuck you right now. Yeah. Come on! He's wearing a Mickey Mouse t-shirt, a hat, and he just did a rim shot. A second one, actually.

I love it. Well, how about this? What are you looking for in a guy? And quick follow-up, what are you not looking for in a professional life partner? What? That's a good question. Go ahead, Tony. A professional husband? Yeah. Oh, yeah, right. Tony, what kind of guy are you into? Right into the tip of that mic, Tony. Okay. Like that, yeah. All right, cool. Man, I don't know right now. Nice. More money than me. That's about it. So white. Nice. Nice.

Sorry, James. You're out, buddy. Coming here is so much more exciting. We only have White and Tyler. So coming here, it's like, no, I want to like, could I meet like a Brazilian guy and maybe like hook up with him and my grandma wouldn't find out and I could like still go to heaven. You know, like, I think there's like... Wow, she's crushing right now. Very fucking funny. Thank you.

Very funny. There's more opportunity here. No, this is where I come to be diverse and different. I know this is a very white room, but this is very different for me. This is exciting. How old are you? Thank you. Tony, how old are you? I'm fucking being here. 32. 32. And here you are. And this is something you've wanted to do for years, you said, huh? Yeah. I didn't really talk about it much. I met Steve Byrne once. I told him.

Hey, stop name dropping. I just try to be around this world as much as possible. So those are probably the highlights of my life, yes. But yeah, I told him I wanted to do this. He was like, well, the only difference is I do it every day and you don't. So now I guess I'm going to attempt to do that. The highlight of your life was meeting Steve Burt? Yeah.

This is, I've just been trying. Well, you know, your name is Tony Robinson. Yeah, I know. And I get it. Well, a good friend of mine is Tony Robbins, and I don't want to misquote him, but he told me once when I first got into show business, and this pertains to what you're experiencing. Could you give me a little spotlight and some house music, Red Band? Yeah, give him a little something here. Perfect. There it is. Red Band, hit me with a little soft tunes if you don't mind.

Okay, I'm not trying to fuck Tony. I just wanted some piano background. There we go. Just the piano. Just the piano. I'm good. So look, Tony Robbins once told me, good friend, I don't mean to name drop Steve Byrne, but Tony once told me that life is like a big, it's like a big pussy. You want to make it come sometimes. Sometimes you want to make it squirt. But you don't want to leave it dry and empty of opportunity and value.

You want to show it respect, but you also want to murder that shit. Like Cam Patterson with a pocket full of bullets and rocks. But I think, Tony, what you're lacking is what you're gaining. And that's, you know, I just think that with every step you take and every breath you make, you know, and again, this goes back to Tony Robbins, who I think eats children. He's a giant man with a lack of tan, but a game plan. And...

I think, Tony, you've got jokes and you've got a long way to go. But I think with the help of a positive attitude and a gym membership, you'll get there. We'll be right back. Wow. Holy shit.

You're very fucking funny. Tony Robinson, not only was your minute fun, you have an unbelievably natural knack at this interview thing. A real, true stage presence. Congratulations. You got a big joke book, a gel blaster. Very fun times. Thank you.

The Kill Tony debut of Tony Robinson. Perhaps the most defensive Tony on this stage right now. Yeah, we're gonna do another bucket pool.

Make some noise for your next comedian, Brenda Sparks, everybody. Brenda Sparks. Here we go. Brenda. Here's Brenda. Make some noise for Brenda, everybody. These people wait all night for this. Hey, everybody! So, I used to date a guy with no legs. Crazy. How tall he was. I'm over here like 5'1". I'm like, what you got? He used to beat me and point guns at me. And I'd be like... I look into myself.

Run between trees, bitch. Treat him like a bear. Zigzags. You know? Got that nigga. You know what I mean? So, yeah, that was a bad one. I feel bad for that one. My bad, guys. I'm a little nervous, and I'm scared about Tony over there looking like scary shit. Yeah, that's all I got. That's it? Yeah. 35 seconds, one N-word in 35 seconds? Yeah. Yeah.

No jokes, one N-word? Yeah, yeah. Holy shit. You scare me. You scare the shit out of me, bro. Likewise. Yes. Thank you. Jesus fucking Christ. You're terrifying. Oh, my God. You scare me, dude. What Waffle House did you just crawl out of? Holy shit. Detroit, Detroit. I don't even know where the fuck to begin with this thing. I am so scared right now. What do you live under, a professional wrestling ring? What are you? Yo.

By the way, the only person I've ever heard say the N-word and then go, my bad. Facts. I mean, as if that negated it. Yeah. I don't even like to say the word negate, but I said it to prove a point. Yeah. But I said it to prove a point. Facts. I messed up. I got too comfortable. I messed up. You were comfortable? It was. I got too comfortable. It looked like you were fucking prolapsing up here.

It was. Look, we've all been there. Oh, God. We get nervous. We let the N-word slip. Who are we to judge? Yeah. No, you're right. If we're judging others, we're judging ourselves first. Yeah. Steve Burns said that. Yeah. Yep. I might come on tour. Fuck it. I'm going to leave my wife and move to Austin, Texas. I do want to ask you, so you came up here with a couple things to get off your chest. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Did you feel like you accomplished what you set out to do? No, I did not. What would you do in hindsight going back? I would do my jokes better. Yeah. And have confidence about it. Well, confidence will come with timing and preparation. I love you, Phil. Thank you. I love you, too. Yeah. Thank you. I'm not going to buy you a hotel, but I do think that you're not unlikable. What? What?

Damn. Damn. How many times have you done stand-up? It's my fifth time. Yeah. Did he say the N-word all the other times, too? No, I didn't. It's a valid question. I did not. Why do you think that came out tonight? I do not know. How often do you say it when you're not in front of a sold-out crowd? I really don't say that.

That's not true. I'm from Baltimore. My Baltimore came out. I'm sorry. You're from what? My Baltimore came out. I thought Baltimore was known for crab cakes, not the N word from white people. That's fair. It is fair. You're right.

I'm sorry, guys. I really apologize. You gotta fuck up to fuck in. I don't know. You're right. There's a cliche there somewhere, but you gotta learn from your mistakes. I learned it. Let me ask you a question, Brenda. How many black guys have to fuck you so that you think you're allowed to say that word like that? 37. Okay, there you go. And also, how do you look both 14 and 72 at the same time?

I don't know. Why do you look like you smoked all of Cam's rocks? I did. I did. Okay. I just saw him, so, yeah. All right. Have you ever eaten anything other than fast food before? No. No. All right. Taco Bell for life all day. I love it. Can I say this? Yes. And this is why I love this show. Tony's throwing it. She's taking it and throwing it right back. The yes and ability, you got to acknowledge that. I'm sorry. Thank you. Your jokes might have been fucking atrocious. Yes.

But you're at least, you're not getting defensive. Tony's fucking throwing it your way, you know, which is well-deserved. Oh, he's a scary bro. Yeah, but you're taking it and you're going, yeah, he fast food. I'm used to it. I've seen the show. Yeah, but now why, do you really do drugs? You said yes to the crack rock. I used to. How many drugs, what drugs did you do? Uh,

Can I take some guesses on this? Yeah, this will be a fun game. Give it to me, Tony. Red Band, can I get some theme music real quick? I'll host this. So I'm thinking maybe you started with a little, maybe a touch of Adderall as a kid, right? A little bit of Ritalin, right? No. And then as you got older, you tried cocaine for the first time. Yeah, okay. And am I right so far? No.

- Not the Adderall, but the cocaine, yes. - Ritalin? - No. - Nothing? - Nothing. - So you started with cocaine? - I started with drugs when I was 22.

Oh, wow. You caught up fast, huh? Zero. You started at 22 yuan all the way in. Yeah, I went ham, bro. So you started with cocaine and then you went to crack. No, never done crack. No? No. Straight to crystal meth after cocaine. There it is. Two years. Two years. Two years of crystal meth. Absolutely. Two years of crystal meth. I was 101 pounds.

one pound, you would never think, she likes fast food when I was on that myth, bro. Wow. Tell us, what are some of the things you would do when you were on Crystal Meth? I would clean the house with a toothbrush. Wow. I would play some... Seems like that's the only time you used a toothbrush. You're not wrong. You're right.

And then I would also play some random slot game on my phone for 12 hours. Wow. Yeah. Because we all have secrets, right? This is my dude right now. What is something that we don't know about you that we might want to know and that you might want to know about yourself? Wow, that's a question. We'll fucking answer it.

I'm getting there. Alright, sorry. Calm down, Phil. I'm a little impatient. Something that I want to tell everybody that I want to say about myself. It doesn't have to be like, you know. I like getting fucked in the ass. There we go. Whoa. And this is why you ask the hard-hitting questions. Yep. Now, with what? I mean, I mean, I usually like a penis, but like if I don't got one, I got a friend.

You got a friend? What does that mean? Uh, I got a dildo. I name him Bob. - You name him Bob? - Yeah. After, uh, Bob's Burgers or what? - Bob Saget. - Hey! - Bob Barker! - Bob Barker! - Huh? - Funny. One in the Plinko, two in the Stinko. You know what I'm saying?

Thank you, Dr. Phil. I'm a sucker for a good anal Plinko joke. Always have been, always will be. One in the showdown, two in the hoedown. You know what I'm saying? Hello. So stupid.

That's personal. Brenda, how many abortions have you had? I have this question written down. One. Only one. Not just today. We mean... No, just one. Okay. In life, one. That's good. It's been a year now, so one. Okay. There you go. Thanks. Oh, my God. I don't know how I feel about that last sound effect.

You imagine a doctor playing that after he does your abortion? I think we got it. Oh, there's a phone call coming in. Dr. Phil Taken. Hi, it's me, Hans Kim. Making sure you got my abortion payment through PayPal. I told you I did impressions. Suck my dick, Steve Byrne.

You're stealing his essence. Oh, my God. Good callback. Brenda, you say you like getting fucked in the ass. I sure do. Anything crazy ever happen when you're getting fucked in the ass? You ever have any accidents or anything like that? So I like getting fucked in the ass, but the thing I hate the most is when a guy's fucking you in the pussy and then he goes, oops, my bad.

Warn me first, you know what I mean? Let me know. Wait, warn you what? He puts it in the wrong hole. Oh. He put it in... He was in my vagina, and then he comes out, and then he puts it in the wrong hole, and he's like... They have to be very similar, though. I gotta be ready for it. I gotta be ready for it. This is... Red Band, come on, get out of here. Red Band. You get one-ish show, get it out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Red Band, are you telling us that your email alert is a queef sound effect? I don't know.

Wait, Red Band, I'm gonna do you. Play that sound again. I'm Red Band. Okay. Oh, I just got a text from my mom. Get the fuck out of here with this bullshit. Holy shit. Fucking Captain Computers over here. Wait, so the sensation's different, though, from the butt from the pussy, right? And that's the third time I've asked that today. Yes, it is. Now, if we were to poll the audience, what do you think they would say is the fave?

Vagina. Vagina, yeah. We always go vagina over butt, right? Always. Yeah. Why do you think we started fucking in the butt, Tony? Well... Oh! I actually... I actually... I didn't mean it like that. I just looked at you first. I actually wrote the book on this. Uh...

Brenda, let me ask you another question. Oh, I love questions. Go ahead, Tony. You seem like you've lived a wild life. I have, yes. How old are you again? I'm about to put 32 in December. Good God.

Wow. Wow. Calm down over there, bro. Hold on. Don't do the old car start sound. Okay. Okay. Wait, wait. Okay. 32, not 82. Calm down, everybody. Right. Okay. So 32 years old. Yeah. Um...

We've learned so much about you. I mean, for someone that did 30, you might have the longest interview to short set ratio here. We're at 11 minutes on the interview. 35 seconds of stand-up comedy, but your interview is so, so intriguing.

Before we let you go, we found out so much about you. Crystal meth. Fucked in the ass. So much. Before you go, what's one more thing about your entire life that you think we would be entertained by or surprised by? Because you seem like you are truly just... I'm a female butcher. I'm the only female butcher. Fuck yeah. Yeah.

You're the only female butcher? At H-E-B. At H-E-B? What H-E-B are you the female butcher at? Lakeline. What? Lakeline. Lakeline? Yeah. Oh, shit. James Atkins realizing that now you know why all the meat tasted like shit. Yeah.

Wow, the only female butcher. Yes. Absolutely incredible. Yeah. What's your living situation? What type of... Barely. I mean, kind of. Are you a sleeping bag or a waterbed girl? Yeah.

I think it's beanbag chair. Beanbag chair. Don't knock a beanbag chair. I never would. Great place to get butt fucked on. Papa's on all day, bro. Papa's on. What's that? Papa's on. Papa's on? Yeah, Papa's on. Papa John's? Yeah, you must love them. I do. Yeah. I do. Because of the N-word thing. Yeah, the N-word thing. Wait, now, let me ask you this before we let you go. What...

And be honest with me. Okay. Because, again, we all come from somewhere. I already talked about my ass place. I appreciate you being so open and honest. I don't care. Well, we do a little bit. That's fine.

You'll get over it. You'll move on. What do you love about comedy? What brings you to come to the stage and go, I want to talk about this? Because it's tough to be an open book. It's tough to be a closed book with an open heart. If you want me to be honest? Yeah. That's what I just fucking said. And it's going to be stupid. No, it's not. Really think about it. Look N-word and think about it. It's Tony. It's Tony. It's Tony. Did you hear that?

She said it's Tony. I've seen you live twice and you blew my mind. So it's Tony. Jesus fucking Christ. That's fucking cool. I'm sorry. That's fucking cool. Tony, fuck her in the butt. There you go. Thank you. Here's a little joke book for you. There she goes. One more time for Brenda Sparks, everybody. All right. We're having fun here tonight. Hell yeah. Thank you. There you go.

Okay, well, we have a golden ticket winner, our newest golden ticket winner. He is a force of nature. I'm very excited. This is only his third time ever on this show. This is your guys' first time, Dr. Phil and Sam Talent, your first time seeing the newest golden ticket winner. He's only in town for a little bit. He's got to get back to Brussels in a couple weeks. This is Rick Diaz, everybody. Make some noise for Rick.

You're already laughing, I haven't said anything yet. That hurts my soul. I've recently started seeing someone she hasn't noticed yet. Every time I hear a child cry, I run as far away as possible. I learned that from my father.

I met this girl and she told me she was open-minded and I changed her mind. I never take dick pics unless I see a really nice one. Fuck yeah, Dr. Phil.

I called the suicide hotline and a very nice guy called Mark picked up the phone and he really listened to me. He really listened to me. I felt so listened to for the first time in my life. And at the end of our conversation, I had to convince him not to kill himself. Amazing. Rick Diaz, on brand, on point, self-deprecating.

Completely owning the awkward character that he is. That is the real deal. That is who Rick Diaz is. Very funny. Very funny. What sort of a condition do you have? So I asked my therapist and he insists I'm not autistic. So I was like, then what? I don't know. That's very funny. So what did he say after that? No, he says I'm not even depressed. So I'm like very confused.

But I still paid him. I think that's all he gives a shit about. Do you have like a weird bone disease or something? No, I have bones. I can't see yours, so you know. Oh, shit. God. I've been brusseled. Exactly.

In honor of 9/11, I brought Rick on this show because you can knock him down with a paper airplane.

I would set it on fire. It would be nice. Rick, you're incredible. You've been here for a couple weeks. This is your third time on the show. Your third Monday in Austin, Texas. I was blown away by your first appearance. You said you were here for a month. I said you can perform every Monday this month that you're here. How has Austin, Texas been treating a guy like you? I imagine you get knocked over a lot on 6th Street.

Yeah, and it was incredible. Sixth Street, this lady came up to me, because people recognize me now, the people that have seen me here, and this very hot woman came up to me, you know, and she was like, oh my god, you're the guy from Kill Tony. And the long story short, we didn't fuck. Goodbye. Okay. What's the farthest you got? Did you get close to fucking? No. I got, I got, I got, I walked her to her car.

And then... Trying to make me cry? Sorry? That's very sweet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, she didn't ask me to walk her to her car. Yeah, you shoved yourself onto her. Pretty much. Yeah. You chased her to her car, I'm pretty sure. You ran her to her car. How nice of you. I have long legs. I can walk.

You're like Michael Myers, you're just walking and you stay right with the person who's sprinting away. I can hide behind the bush pretty good. For Halloween I'm gonna dress as a serial killer. I'm gonna dress like this. Amazing. You sound like Dracula's agent. I would be so rich if I was. Born in Spain, how long have you lived in Brussels?

I moved to Brussels when I was seven, so many, many years, yeah. Right. And have you ever drank the blood of an innocent human? I have tried and failed. Yeah, innocent humans can beat me up. Have you been in a fight ever? Sorry, have I been in a fight ever? No, a 12-year-old kid punched me in the subway once. Why? He wanted my money. What'd you do? I was in shock, but I kept my money, I guess. Yeah.

Did you walk him to his car or something like that afterwards? I kind of half wrestled a guy that I was semi-fighting in high school and I lost, predictably so. Yeah. But if I ever have to fight someone, I'm ready to die. I've been ready to die for a while, so, you know, let's go. Wow. Yeah, and this is what I love. People that got nothing to lose but everything to gain, you know? And you could gain a couple pounds while we're at it.

But also, I think that your slender figure is what gives you the hunger, no pun intended, for life. Because your jokes per minute are more I've heard than anybody that we've had up here tonight. And I think that Brussels is letting the rest of the country know, Austin in particular, that you guys got something special happening over there. Well, if I judge it by my laughs per minute, I think Hans Kim would have gotten a run for his money tonight.

But you have a full-time, very, very, very important job in Brussels, isn't that correct? So you technically can't be a regular on this show anyway. I could take a leave of absence if I negotiated it.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, but you need like a green card. You can't just be here every week. My dad has an American passport. I could apply for that shit. I mean... And I would kick Hans Kim's ass. Wow, Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Rick Diaz. Wow. Wow.

I mean, he... I love him. He beat me at Catan, so, you know, fuck you, Hans Kim. Wow. Hell yeah, that sounds like some nerd shit. What was that? Nerd shit. What's Catan? Is it like Dungeons & Dragons meets Narnia? It was a Chris Catan impression contest. A Chris Catan impression contest. Funny, Sam. Thank you. Wait, what is it? What is it, for real? It's like a board game where you build houses based on resources you acquire, such as wood, bricks...

Yeah, weed. There's sheep plays. Yeah, yeah. This is worse than the butt-fucking addict. I agree. Yes. But, you know, to each his own. And to own is each. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I like it. You're opening up. I love that. Thank you. Amazing. Well, Rick, Hans isn't up for a challenge this week because he had one this week. Not tonight anyway, but soon. I had no idea you were interested in such a thing, but I mean, you're a golden ticket winner. You have a spot on the show no matter what, but it seems like you... I feel like you're protecting him. Oh, my God.

I don't care. How much longer are you in town for? How many more Mondays do you have here? Two. Two Mondays. So this is an interesting storyline to follow because technically this means if that's really what you want, technically it means that if Hans has a rough set next week, which we almost know for a fact that without him being challenged, he's going to,

then that would mean that on that last Monday that you're here, you have a chance to technically become the newest regular on Kill Tony. Winner gets citizenship. Yeah, that's true. Hans Kim is an illegal immigrant. Yeah. Not a lot of people know that. I feel like I was abducted by an illegal immigrant.

Anyway. What? That made sense to me. Doesn't matter. Yeah. I got back to Hans Kim's level right now. So that's what happened. Oh, shit. Man, you hate Hans. I actually love the dude. He's funny as fuck. No, he is. It's great. Well, Hans has one advantage. He can be out when the sun's out, you know? But you must be at home until the moon shows up.

One, two, three tiny fingers with bones next to them. I don't know. I'll panic. Thanks for the sound effects, Shoutout Red Band. It's a nice change of pace from that fucking Diabetic Queef you played earlier. Diabetic Queef, by the way, great name for a band. That is true. I'm a big fan. There it is. Fuck yeah.

Rick Diaz, another great showing, another great minute, another great interview. Golden ticket winner. Not easy to do. Rick Diaz, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Back to the bucket. And very exciting news. This is a

with the odds of this happening, but it is another inside house bucket pool. One of you has been pulled out of the bucket, and I do believe the name of this person is Jet Nomen, everybody. Jet. Jet. Oh, boy. There's Jet. Here we go. Coming from the audience. His friends seem concerned.

His buddy is wearing a shirt that says psilocybin on it. This should be interesting. The Kill Tony debut of Jet Nauman, everybody. Oh, shit. You're gonna have to give me a second here. All right, so, uh, I'm usually, uh... I just became a dog person. Um, it's because I, uh... I don't know. I don't know. All right, so... You got this. Yeah. Thanks, Dr. Phil. Yeah.

So I just became a dog person. No, it's just because I was dog sitting for one of my friends. And he was out of town for about a week and a half. And he had... He's got one of these... It's a mutt. I know you got it. But he got back. He was upset with me. We'll be right back. No. He was upset...

He was upset with me because he... Oh my God. Wow. Jet Nomen, everybody. And I'm going to say right now, everybody, I have to say that is the most disappointing jet in 9-11 history. Am I correct? I'm supposed to have wires that lift me up in the air. Don't fucking touch me. Get back over there.

Where's the Austin security guard service when you need them? There's a fucking Geico caveman touching me up here. Look at this fucking melting stoner. What are you? Jesus Christ. You are frightening. You look like Brendan Fraser's corpse. Holy shit. You fucking suck, dude.

You did nothing. You signed up and you did nothing. I definitely... This might be the worst bomb on 9-11 for sure. There you go. That's horrible. I made that joke 45 seconds ago. Except I did it much better. There were no bombs on 9-11. But I bet you think there were because you seem like a conspiracy theorist. Sam Tallent, go ahead. It was tragic. Yes.

It was horrible in every single way. I bet you have nothing for an interview. It's just horrible. Why did you do that to yourself? Were you in the video game Paperboy? I was, yes. All right. No further questions. You did nothing. You have nothing. You get nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, Jet Nauman, everybody. There he goes. Should we ask...

Boo this man. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo. boo.

You have a question for Jet now? Yeah, man, we should at least get something, right? He couldn't speak. No, he couldn't speak and he had bad timing on his retorts. Were you fucked up? Were you too high? No, he has no excuse. We've all been there. I once drove to a 7-Eleven, forgot I drove and walked home. And then I freaked out. I was like, someone stole my Dodge Dart.

True story, you can Google it. Oh my God. I hope Chris painted that joke.

Chris, you're killing it. Wow. Oh, my God. A little sneak peek, huh? Well, it's funny that we mention that because, ladies and gentlemen, it is that time. We have come to the end of the episode, and what an episode it has been. How fucking fun was this tonight? Let me remind all of you. Let me remind all of you. Adam Ray, live from Portland on YouTube.

Sam Talent, the Chubby Behemoth podcast. Running the light is the book. Get it at samtalent.com. Adam Ray is on tour at adamraycomedy.com. Yeah, I know. We're going to wipe the memory of Jet away right now. As I bring up the man who holds the record for most appearances all time on this show.

The most interviews in the history of the show. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. The St. Louis Assassin. The Big Red Machine. William Montgomery, everybody. Thank you.

9/11 update: it still happened. So in the past month, I've discovered that Barack Obama is bisexual and the Russian opposition leader may still be alive, and I only got one question: You mean to tell me Captain D's and Long John Silver's still ain't settled in shimmy?

Fish fry nuggets raise up! Who you with? Popeyes Army 504, you heard me? Who do you? I saw a headline earlier today that said earthquake rocks Morocco back to the Stone Age and I couldn't help but wonder, so the earthquake caused no damage in Morocco? That place be staying in the Stone Age! Who do you? Who do you? Who do you?

Why does Donald Trump even want to run for president again? He's already achieved more than most of the people in this room. That would be like if Michael Jordan stopped playing basketball at the height of his career and joined a minor league baseball team. Quick 9-11 update. They just found a missing plane. Okay. All right. William Montgomery, everybody. I do believe he's added a new Hootie Hoot trademark to the... Hootie Hoot! Hootie Hoot!

I've been listening to that song a bunch this past weekend. It's by True, an artist named True. Yeah, no, it's a group. True is a super group that was within the No Limit Soldiers in the early 2000s. I know all about this because I listened to them a lot. I found it unbelievable that you are debuting a new Who Do You Who reference today.

23 years after the song was a hit, and it was only a hit specifically to people very deep in the hip-hop listening community. But here you are in Austin, Texas, 96% white audience, dropping a brand new Hootie Hoo joke, and they're going along with it. They don't know what it means or represents, but Hootie Hoo is the call for the killers, for those of you that don't know.

Thank you, John Dees. Absolutely. Red Band quits doing sound effects during the William part for some reason because he can be lazier than he already is.

in a stunning turn of events when the easiest job in the world can't be any easier. I have learned you don't interrupt William unless he's going to start making fun of me. It's unbelievable. I wasn't even going to say shit to your stupid ass tonight, you fucking idiot. You woke the beast, baby. Yeah, don't fucking get me pissed off tonight. Oh, no!

Hooty Hoo! Hooty Hoo! Hooty Hoo! Hooty Hoo! By the way, do you think Horton heard a Hooty Hoo? Yes, I think he did. I'm just trying to make small talk. So, William, what made you, how did you find Hooty Hoo from True? Spelled T-R-U, by the way. For those of you that don't know, am I correct, John? Yes. Thank you. Yeah.

Yes, go ahead. I've been in a really big New Orleans rap sort of era in my life recently ever since I found out that the little dog that I got is in fact not a long-haired chihuahua, but in fact a Rottweiler. I had sort of joked around Tony that she was a Rottweiler just fucking around, obviously. But we got the DNA results back. We got a 23andMe on her, and she is 100% a Rottweiler. So I had been...

Living pretty much, at least in my mind, on the streets of New Orleans, yeah, circa early 2000s. It's just how I fucking live. I literally, I've always joked about having a couple pistols in my car. I literally have two Smith & Wessons in my car right now. Wow. Very, very interesting. I try to say meth in Swiss. I fucked it up when I try to say Smith & Wessons. It's all right. We'll edit this out. But I think that there's something about...

You know, I've got some grandma's cookies and a Sega Game Gear in my car, so point William, you know? But why do you need a gun? Who's coming after you? I have these people. I've literally, when I talk about being in my kind of early 2000s, uh,

kind of Louisiana, New Orleans rap era. I literally was living that life about 10 years ago outside of Kansas City, and it's kind of... There are people after me right now, so that's why I was hoping Red Band wouldn't fuck up before I kind of laid this out on y'all. Yeah, I mean, there are these people after me, so I do have two... Oh, that was a funny one. What was that? What was that? That was a really funny one. I was thinking you were going to do some fun on that one, you fucking idiot. Yeah.

That was Sci-Fi Alarm 1. Yeah, it was. And there's seven different Sci-Fi Alarms over there. Why don't we try Sci-Fi Alarm 2? That's a Sci-Fi Alarm. I've never heard one. Hooty Hoo. Hooty Hoo. Now, is there a wrong time to Hooty Hoo, or is it always... It's always the right time to Hooty Hoo. Well, moment of silence, maybe. Yeah, moment of silence. I mean, moment of silence is you don't want to Hooty Hoo, for sure. Yeah.

Not a moment of silence for sure. You don't want a hooty-hoo if everybody's trying to be quiet like a funeral or... 9-11 memorial. 9-11 memorial. Right. Yeah, anything like that. But if they had a hooty-hoo alarm in the towers that day, a lot of people would have survived. They would have. Yeah. Would take a sip of my drink. Now, William, you were telling me you owe someone $3,500? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I don't want to talk about... I'm not talking about that right now. Tail that tail. Tail that tail. Tail that tail. Tail... We got it? Yeah, Sam wasn't lying, but it's just a weird situation. It's...

Tell the people. It's not like I've done nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. No, you're just a gullible oaf. I'm just a gullible oaf. Yeah. Glad you're doing my dirty laundry tonight. I actually know the story. I know what you're talking about. It's that story, yes. Yeah. Can I say? It's kind of crazy. It's actually hilarious, I think. I don't know. All right, maybe we shouldn't. Should we do a movie trailer for it? Yes. Yeah, yeah.

But I don't know what happened. In a world where a podcast advertiser... Hang tight, Sam. We'll get some music going. Okay.

Can we get some live... Can I play drums for you? You want me to give you the lowdown and then you could... Yeah, let Tony... I'll play drums. I'll give you the lowdown. Hell yeah. Sam on drums. Okay, perfect. What happened, Tony? Okay, so William has a podcast, but he mostly focuses on his cameos. He makes vast sums of money through cameo, but he also has a podcast, but he has too many people on it and they're all talking over each other at the same time. So it doesn't have that many listeners, even though it should. It should be mostly him, the star being featured in it, but...

He has fears that he can't get over, so he clusters it up with too many people. Anyway, his viewership is so low that his ads that he's supposed to do, he actually owes money. Yeah, not only am I not owed any money, I owe the person $3,500 fucking dollars. How is that possible? It's literally unheard of in the podcast world. It's the opposite of Joe Rogan's Spotify deal.

He owes somebody $3,500. I owe somebody money. Okay, here is the movie trailer. This is Dr. Phil. In a world where one man had a podcast. The William Montgomery Show. The enthusiasm was low, but the ad sales were lower. I owe money. I owe money.

They owed a fuck ton of cash. $3,500. $3,500 to be exact. HelloFresh has a gun pointed at their cock. I'm not allowed to go anywhere near the HelloFresh corporate offices. He's the only man in Austin, Texas to not realize his full potential with the people on his podcast willingly holding him back.

I mean, I can explain that one. We're good. We'll figure it out in the movie. One man, one summer, one beard. $3,500 later. He had to do anything for cash and was willing to do whatever it takes. Just take your penis out of your shorts, man. His app...

He was kicked out of most grocery stores for asking people to take their penises out. But he needed to support his family. I've got like five kids right now. He's got five kids. And it's really hard to raise five little boys on $3,500 missing from your bank account. Every day he woke up looking in the mirror saying the same thing.

Is my hemorrhoid ever going to get out from my fucking asshole? He'd already forgotten about his real kids and focused on his butthole kids, his hemorrhoids. Five hemorrhoids, five kids. He knew that this was a summer of change, the summer everything had to turn in his favor. William Montgomery had one hooty who left. He stars in this summer's feature film, Gullible Oath.

With Cam Patterson as the guy with rocks and bullets. Brian Redman as the guy who does his penis out at the HEB. And comedian Jed with the longest story ever with no ending. This summer, Gullible Old in select theaters only. Only at the Mothership. Fuck yes. Oh my God. Wow. Oh my God. Wow. Wow.

You know what? Let's do something fun. William, put that mic back in the mic stand. Sam, you stay right there for a second. William, you sit right here. Come sit here. You guys want to do one more special thing to end the night, huh? Sam, play this guy up who I'm about to announce. Ladies and gentlemen, closing the night, doing a minute of stand-up comedy for the first time on Kill Tony. New stand-up comedian,

Old legend of the game. Make some noise for the one and the only Dr. Phil, everybody. Here he is. Stand-up comedian, Dr. Phil. Thanks so much, everybody. One more time for Jet, my son. And one more time for the Kill Tony band, the best band in fucking Austin, Texas. I'll tell you that much right now. Yeah, you fucking know it.

All right, I didn't think I was gonna come up, do a real comedy, but I wrote a couple things down. So bear with me. If you play that fucking cat, Red Band, I'll put you in a fucking sleeper hold. Just stick to the queef. All right. Let's see. Hans is actually a nickname. It's short for keep your fucking Hans off me. All right. There's something there. Hans is an AA if AA stood for autistic Asian. All right. Not bad.

David Lucas wishes he could be here, but he's washing his hair with syrup. There's something there. We'll workshop it. Maybe I'll get on The Secret Show. David Lucas looks like he has ho-hos in different area codes. I mean, that's not bad. It's not great, but it's not bad. Fuck, what else? I don't know. Do a couple impressions for you real quick.

This is my impression of Ray Romano finding out that the Peloton he ordered has been backlogged and won't arrive in time for his Peloton party. Here we go. You gotta be kidding me. What else we got?

All right, that's it. Thank you so much. I appreciate you guys. Thanks for letting me come by tonight. Oh, get the fuck out of here. Make some fucking noise for Dr. Phil. I love you. I love Tony. I love you, man. I love the mothership. AdamRayComedy.com. How about one more time for the great Sam Tellen, everybody? Yeah!

Chubby Bohemian Podcast, running the light. One more time for the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Catch him on Cameo. Thank you to Jail Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Lopper, Connect Mobile Health, CM Smokehouse, Zippix.

Austin Security Guard Service and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in and it's unbelievable. Here comes the drawing from Chris Rogers. Indeed, it is William Montgomery. I don't think I've ever laughed more in the history of this show. Ten years and fucking three months. My mind is completely blown. Two of my favorite guests in the history of the show. How about one more time for Adam Ray and Sam Talent, everybody. Thank you.

Holy shit. Adam, that was the hardest I've laughed at anything in a long time, man. That was the fucking best, dude. Unbelievable. You were here for maybe what was perhaps the funniest episode in the show's history. Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com secret show every Thursday. Love you. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody.

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