#628 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. All our merch can be found for Kill Tony at KillMerch.com. Tony's on a brand new tour. He's going all over the place. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony.

And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called The Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Kill Tony Band, and the secret show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at sunsetstripatx.com. And now a brand new episode of Kill Tony. ♪♪♪

Hey, this is Redmayne coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

But a hand for Red Band, everybody. Hi! 69 degrees Fahrenheit in the room. Another beautiful day. 69.1 degrees as summer starts to chill here in Texas.

You're here at the number one live podcast in the world, everybody. You're at Kill Tony. Welcome, everyone. This is brought to you by Gel Blaster, the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, the two best strip clubs in the world, austinpools.com, where you can get a brand new pool in your backyard. A lot of pool companies take a year. They guarantee it start to finish in three months. The Hull Law Firm gets you out of a DUI here in Austin, Texas. The Austin Security Guard Service makes sure that you didn't drink too much.

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Paul Deemer on the horns. John Dees is with the great Gary Clark Jr. doing massive stadiums right now. Luckily, the backbone is here. That's Dee Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. We have people yawning in the audience already. Very good. Very good. What an exciting person to have at the show. Just a lit up blonde yawning chick in the corner. You all right? All right.

Jesus Christ. You know, you can get an IV drip at connectmobilehealth.com. Use the promo code KILL10. You'll be in better shape. It's only 8.20 p.m. at night. Thank you, Michael. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. Before we start the show, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all available for you here right now.

Hey, this is Red Band and my comedy club, The Sunset Strip in Austin, Texas, is now open. The Kill Tony Band has two shows a month now, so come check out their music. And every Thursday, we have The Secret Show. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Shows every night.

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Every single week we have some of the funniest comedians in the world on. This one is special. These guys have been on multiple times. The last time they were on, there was too many people on this show. There was a whole extra band on top of the usual band. I'm excited to give these guys their exclusive time here on Kill Tony. They literally are the hosts of my other favorite podcast.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the RU Garbage guys, H Foley and Kevin Ryan, everybody. Here we go. Oh, yeah. Kevin Ryan. Motherfucking H Foley. If you guys don't know, you're about to fucking know. RU Garbage, Kill Tony, mashup.

Magical chemistry always. Two of the funniest, two of the nicest, two of the coolest, two of my favorites in all of the industry.

Welcome back, gentlemen. Thank you, buddy. This is great. Fuck yeah. I love the guy in the cut-off jet shirt that was screaming, you are definitely one of our fans. Absolutely. That's Aaron Rodgers. He's in town to get some stem cells injected into him this week. I love it. Shout out to Waze2Well, where they can heal any wound that you have or anything like that. Welcome back, guys. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. How many of you are die-hard Kill Tony fans? Woo!

How many of you have been listening for more than three years? Okay, well, that's good enough. We have a special treat for you. Literally a future Kill Tony Hall of Famer, one of the biggest legends in the history of the show, the funniest female cast member that's ever been on the show, former full-time band member, now the co-host of the Bad Friends podcast back in L.A., full-time stand-up comedian.

Ladies and gentlemen, horn player, former legendary band member, make some noise, joining us just for tonight, the great Jetski Jesse Johnson, everybody. Here we go. Yeah. Kill Tony royalty. Some people compare her to a young Roseanne Barr. Some people say a young...

What do they say, Tony? That's all I can think of right now is a young Roseanne Bar. Jetski, welcome back to the show. How are you? I'm so good. I love the whole Kill Tony universe. Thanks for having me. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. We knocked out our hellos. You guys all know how it works, so we're going to jump right into it. Literally 100, I was 12,

told before the show 188 people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds of stand-up comedy time uninterrupted on tonight's show. 188 people. A few of them may be in the room right now, but my guess is about 170 plus are at a bar next door waiting, hoping that someone's going to come over to that bar and yell their name.

And they run over here, and then they do 60 seconds of stand-up comedy. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And then after that 60 seconds, I interview them and we all talk to them together. Me, my esteemed panel of Are You Garbage, Jetski Johnson, and Brian Redband. And we find out more about them. What makes them tick and what they could be talking about. What's real, what's not, about their lives. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Yeah! Well, I go to the bottom of the bucket.

and pull out the first name that we're going to go wrangle from the bar next door. And while we do that, we are going to start the show with one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. This young man we discovered over two and a half years ago here in Austin, Texas, living in a van, an eternal open-miker, and we changed his life. He sells out all around the world.

including this weekend in New York City, a sold-out Sony Hall. Ladies and gentlemen, sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kim. Hey! Hey!

What's up guys? Good to be here. I have a beautiful girlfriend, as a lot of you know. My girlfriend is great. She makes me have sex with her after I've already cum. Which is fine, but she keeps expecting first dick activities on the third dick. Like I've already cummed twice. She's shoving it in sideways. Bouncing on it.

I feel like a pool noodle on a slip and slide. I'm not going anywhere. I think in women's sports, all the refs should be women because men aren't going to be able to catch the fouls that women do. Oh, foul, you're being petty. You only did that to her because she did that to you earlier. I'm sad to hear that Trump is getting indicted again. I think Biden indicts Trump every time he falls over.

All right, thank you. All right, Hans Kim. Beautiful minute. A lot of punches. Not exactly hard punches, but a lot of taps the whole way through. A lot like Nate Diaz versus Jake Paul. You landed a lot of punches. Didn't do a ton of damage, but rock solid set. You did it again. I don't know how you do it. You're a real surgeon. My parents wish I was a surgeon. Uh...

Yes, they do. I love that description on my set. It's a lot like the description on my love life. A lot of soft taps. So let's talk about it. You say that you're having a lot of sex after you cum. That's her choice or your choice? It's her choice. Explain to us what does she say to you? Like what goes on? She's like, you want to vibrate me?

What does that mean? The vibrator, the Hitachi comes out. Oh, the real Asian workhorse in the household. Oh, yeah.

And then she's like, wouldn't it be better if your dick was inside me? And then I'm like, oh yeah, I guess so. Is there something she can do that magically gets you hard? Are there any tricks to getting Hans Kim hard? Is there any way to turn your lo mein noodle into a fucking... into a... A girl? Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for helping me be racist there. A little teamwork goes a long way.

Her go-to move is just squeezing my dick with her butt. Squeezing your dick with her butt. Man, I've been doing it wrong this whole time. I've never even heard of that. She just backs it right up into it. She doesn't give me any breathing room down there. Look at that. The old South Korea. You gotta love it.

Unbelievable. So she just pushes her butt back and then squeezes her butt cheeks and you're just like, and you get hard. Yeah. Wow. How many, what do you think the most times that you've had sex in a 24 hour period with your girlfriend is? Probably four. Oh, okay. That's good. All right. Oh, 24 hour, probably six. Oh, okay. All right. In honor of Bob Barker, we're changing numbers here.

The late, great Bob Barker, which is also the name of a dog that Hans' parents ate. Okay. All right. You said that your parents wish you were a surgeon. Have you talked to your parents lately? What are they saying about your current life? They're like, oh, you have a Rolex. Oh, that's like a doctor.

I got all the good parts of being a doctor, the private jets and none of the blood and anuses. Well, it sounds like you do get some anuses. It sounds like the only thing that can make you hard. Consensually. No one questioned whether it was consensual or not. It's a real weird disclaimer to throw out. Now we're thinking it wasn't. Now it's kind of rapey.

We did find out last week that you do play a game with your girlfriend called Rape. Yes. Have you guys played this week? Yes. Did you win or did she win? I won this time. I'm 1-0. 1-1. 1-1. Yes. Absolutely. This video will be used in a court of law at some point.

Amazing. All right, Hans, what else is going on this week? Fresh off of Sony Hall, sold out New York City. It was an amazing time. I lived in New York for three years. You know, a lot of my most toxic personality traits are from that city.

I headlined Sony Hall. It was a dream come true. Must be amazing to go back to New York and headline. We know for a fact that you slept in your van there in New York City before moving here to Austin, Texas. And when you were in New York, the big fucking apple, you could not sell a single ticket. No one knew what a Hans Kim was, right? Yeah, nobody liked me. Well, no one knew you.

I knew him and I didn't like him, I have to say. What do you remember about Hans in the New York scene? I only think I saw him at an open mic once, I think. We didn't really cross a whole lot of paths. That's where I lived. Yeah.

Outside of the creek in the cave in New York, correct? Yes. I was a hobo. I stayed in an Airbnb this week that cost more than my van did. It was pretty great. I played Sony Hall, which was a dream of mine ever since I found out it existed four months ago. Right. Absolutely.

One day. You start at Sony Hall, you'll work your way up to Hitachi Hall and really shake the fucking crowd. You know what I mean? Okay, Hans. Well, fun times. You did it again. You got the show started. I don't think you should be challenged next week, so you get another week off. Thank you, Tony. Way to do it. Hans Kim, everybody. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. All right. Pulling another name out of this bucket.

And we're going to go to our first bucket pool. Now, people, we know Hans Kemp. He is a trained assassin built in the world of Kill Tony. These names that I pull out of this bucket, it could be anybody at all. It could be an insane first-timer. It could be somebody that brandishes a weapon of some kind. Anything can happen. You get it? Yeah!

Make some noise for your first bucket poll of the night. Rabin Shetty, everybody. Rabin Shetty. Here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Rabin Shetty here live on Kill Tony. Y'all know when things go really well, you hear the phrase, it doesn't get better than this. You know, you take your partner out for dinner, make love after, it doesn't get better than this. Or if you're single, you get high and watch your show, it doesn't get better than this.

We're doing an open mic in Austin, Texas. It does get better than this. Started showering with a citrus-flavored soap and it's helped me smell like a cutie. Actually started seeing a girl and she was sweet but could be sour. But she was pretty, had that vitamin C. She was bilingual, spoke Mandarin. No joke, her name?

What's Clementine? Y'all like those? Find them appealing? Just trying to squeeze out every bit? Thank you, I'm Robin. Well, there you go. Robin Shetty, everybody. Doesn't get any better than that. Holy shit, dude. Wow. Oh my god.

Wow. I love it. We found the Vivek Ramama sway of the open mic scene. This is exciting. Step up to that microphone there. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy, my friend? Two years. Oh, shit. Okay. That's about two years longer than I was hoping for. My goodness. You're like a really smart guy. You got great grades in school, didn't you? Okay. They're all right. Okay for an Indian guy or...

Right, so A's. A minuses across the board. Okay. What do you do for a living? You seem like you work in the tech industry, something super stable, am I correct? Yeah, I'm a CPA. Right, exactly. You do comedy like a CPA. Yeah.

Do you juice the books? No. I do not. Orange, you glad that your minute's over? Chesky Jesse Dunst!

Let me teach you guys something you might not know, but when jet ski lands a big joke like that, a historical thing in the show is everybody pretends like they're revving up a jet ski. So next time you can all go like that. There you go. You get it? All right, maybe. This is like a bunch of tourists or something. This is like a bunch of people that heard that this is a big show that was able to get tickets. I don't know where the fuck we found this crowd, but...

All right. You guys having fun out there? Yeah, I guess so. All right, let's talk more with you. Is it Robin? It's pronounced Rubbin. Rubbin? But it's spelled R-A-B-I-N? Yeah. So it's spelled Rabin. No, the A makes the same sound as the first syllable in Amazing, so uh. Oh boy. Oh boy. I feel like we're on a first date or something. I feel like he's telling jokes again. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

Everything's a lecture with this guy. Somebody ask him a math question or something like that. Let the kid get a win. Are you good at math? Is that what you excel at? Or are you just a mediocre CPA too? I'm okay at math. Just okay at math. So you just stink all around. What are you good at? I enjoy playing ping pong, tennis, try to stay active, soccer. Man.

Wow. Incredible. So ping pong and tennis. Anything else? Give us something about the wild side of Rob... Robin. Robin. What's something wild about Robin? Are you intentionally saying it wrong? Wait, what is it? It's Robin. Like rubbing your dick on an ass. Oh, shit. God damn it. To quote the late great Hans Kempf.

It's like rubbing a genie lamp. He's definitely rubbing me the wrong way. There you go. Now we're playing. That's the crowd. It's okay. Too late. Let me just tell you that it's too late. Okay, so give us the wild side of rubbing. Go ahead. I mean, you know, occasionally go out. Like what? What do you do when you go out?

You know, just have a few drinks. What kind of drinks do you have? Moscow mules. Moscow mules. Real outlaw. Okay. Where do you have these Moscow mules, and who do you have them with? You know, just my friends at a bar, or sometimes they'll make it at their place. It sounds like you're saying what you think people do. You think people should say. Yeah, exactly. This is what an alien would say if they came down. They're like, hey, play it cool. Yeah.

I go to a bar with my friends. We do human things. He's like AI, dude. Rubbing GPT. It is. It is. It's chat CPA. This is incredible.

Somewhere between alien and illegal alien this fucking guy is. What ethnicity are you? Robin. My parents are from India. Right. Absolutely. Incredible. Doesn't get any better than that. What else about you? What's your love life like? I'm single right now. Single right now. When's the last time you were in a relationship? I was seeing someone. Shh.

You were seeing someone and then what happened? It just fizzled out. Right. How long did that last? About a month. Was she Indian? No. Was there a real girl that you based the orange joke on? No. The Clementine was just made up. Jesus. Wow. They say right what you know. All right. It doesn't make sense. The back liked it.

You make good money as a CPA? Okay. What do you, everything you, every answer, you're on a live podcast. This is an interview and you just keep saying okay to everything. He acts like we knocked on his door and just started asking questions. Yeah, exactly. It's like, can I fucking help you with something? Okay. We didn't mean to interrupt you and your friends and your Moscow mules. Jesus Christ. I'm kind of busy right now. Yeah.

Me and the fellas are really raging inside. I'm sorry, Ron. So you work like nine to five Monday through Friday? Basically, yeah, or fucking yeah, yeah? No, it's just... Yeah. It...

Answer a single question during this interview. It's usually 9 to 5, but if it's busy times, it'll be a little bit longer than that. 5.30. What do you spend your money on? You make more than $75,000 a year? I like to travel. Okay, you didn't answer that question. This guy's a cop, man. I'm telling you right now.

Yeah, something's up, dude. Sometimes I go to a bar with my friends and we get wild. Sometimes we smoke the dope. Do you have roommates? Yeah, I have a few. A few roommates and you're a CPA. There's no straight answers with this guy. How many roommates?

A couple. Three roommates. Three roommates. You live in a four bedroom? Yeah. Yes. A four bedroom. How many bathrooms? There's a few. Four. Four bathrooms. Four bathrooms, four bedrooms. That's good. So you have your own shower drain. That's good. Yeah. Okay. My goodness gracious. Okay.

You have anything weird in your refrigerator that you contribute? Is it all Indian guys in the... No. So you're the only one that curries up the refrigerator and whatnot? There's one other Indian dude, a white guy, and a Singaporean. A white guy, a Singaporean, and a what? Another Indian guy. Wow, this sounds like a karaoke. Okay. Robin, what would be... Robin, what would be the...

What would we be, before I let you go, give us one thing. What would we be

we be shocked to know about you. You seem very straight on the straight and narrow. It doesn't seem like standups really your thing. You're not like damaged or hurt. It doesn't seem, it seems like you had a pretty normal childhood and this is just something that seems like it's cool to you. Uh, give us something that we would be shocked to know about you. You ever been arrested? You ever do anything crazy, anything out of the ordinary and you're the history of your life. How old are you?

I'm 27. 27. So 27 years to reference here. Here you go. What would we be shocked to know about you? I like to gamble. Ooh, what do you gamble on? You know, poker, sports bets. Okay. Very, very interesting. The crowd is shocked. Yeah. Make something up, dude. I know. Kill a hooker, do something. Yeah. Yeah.

That is incredible. This guy's going to murder us all. He is not having fun. No, this is great. This is fun. One last question. If you were going to murder us, how would you do it? Do a one minute of stand-up comedy. There he goes, everybody. Robin Shetty with a joke book. It definitely gets better than that.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. So as you see, anything can happen. We don't know any of these people. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket. Jamal Burel, everybody. Jamal or Jamar Burel. Really bad handwriting so far tonight. Here he is. How's it going, everybody?

I had a bird that was bothering my sleep near my bedroom window the other night, and I was trying to get rid of it. My neighbor jumped out. She said, hey, stop. Don't do that. That's federally protected. You'll break the law. Yeah, apparently a 1917 Bird Act. Non-migratory birds. You can't remove them. I'm like, fuck yeah, that's awesome. The only thing I thought was, that's like 50-something years before they gave safe places to black people. You know? Like...

I'm just saying, what the fuck are white people doing to birds? You know what I'm saying? I'm a 90s kid. We didn't have all these screens and fucking crazy toys. When I was growing up, we had this one oral sex aid they sold to kids. That's right. You guys remember this thing? It's called the Bop-It. You remember the keys it would give you? Spin it. Flick it. Twist it. Bop it.

spit on it, choke me, and call me a nigger bitch. I guess we had different Bop-Its. I don't know. Maybe that's just me. There it is. Jamal Burrell. A good 60 seconds. There you go. Especially following Rubbin'.

Hell yeah. Jamal. What's up, dude? Welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you for having me. How long have you been doing stand-up? Too fucking long, but on and off. But I've been back at it for maybe a solid six months, but not really. Okay, how about an answer? Let's try an answer of some kind. I asked you a question. From the time I started, pandemic, a couple years off. How about just a fucking ballpark? Eight years. Eight years, there we go. He did not want that number out there. Yeah.

There you go. How long have you been the mayor of Chicago again? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, a standing O. Hell yeah. Thank you, sir.

Okay. Jamal, what do you do for a living? I do freelance film production. So I'm... Broke. I'm unemployed. Yeah, exactly. Hell yeah. Yeah, freelance film production. I still got to buy deodorant when I leave here. What?

Don't worry about it, man. It's fine. Don't worry about it. Okay. All right, Jamal. I love it. So the jokes were good. Were you... Yeah, I appreciate that. Always been in Austin? I live in San Marcos. I actually just got out of a relationship with my baby mama today. Oh, today? Yeah. What happened today? We were doing polyamory, you dig? And I thought we were doing it right for the right reasons.

You guys were both sleeping with other people. No, no, no. She just kissed a dude. No, it was cool, though. I even went fishing with him. We went fishing and everything. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Take it one step at a time. You're moving really fast. Let's just... It was cool. Hold on. Wait, wait. Hold on. Let me slowly get this... It was healthy, Tony. Oh, Togoki, you go ahead. Let me... Let me...

Okay, so let's talk about it. How long were you guys hooking up with other people? Let's take it nice and slow. Let me kind of lead you. Go ahead. It was like a week, but I was staying at home with the kids. Wait, hold on. Stop, stop, stop, fucking stop. It was like a week that you were trying polyamory? Well, I think it was a week that I had known about it. I'm pretty sure it was... Man, you are a sweet boy. And he was a nice guy, but it was like she was... What?!

I was at home. Stop. Stop. Let's start over again. Okay, so how old's your kid? He's gonna be four on the 25th of September. His name is Zan. No one asked you that. You know what I'm saying? Okay. But with a Z. Okay, so it's like... It's one of those simple black names that people are just like, what? Like, he just started school? Yeah. Okay.

There you go. And it's like Z-A-Y-E-N. It's so fucking simple, but he came back from school and on his fucking folder, it was like Zanyay, like Kanye, but with a Z. You are...

an atrocious guest. You're just talking. You have no idea what's going on around you. What are you? Did you drink before this? Are you a little bit? Not much. I haven't done a lot of mics. This is my first mic I've done in this city in like three and a half years before the pandemic. I don't do it a lot. So I was just like back there like, man, this shit's fucking stop talking. Stop talking. Have you ever seen this show before?

No. Right, I can tell. You're a horrible guest right now. It's unbelievable. It's just a long form talking with no real... Exactly. I'm trying to help you. Stop talking. Really, I mean, it's unbearable. This is the part where I lead an interview. It's kind of important that you know the show that you signed up for. This is called autism. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You're saying that you're autistic? It's a spectrum. There's no autism, not autism. There he goes, everybody. Jamal with a little joke book because of a shitty interview. Ruined everything. Could have gotten famous here today. Instead, just an unbearable appearance. There you go. You walk that way now. There he goes. I thought bitches had periods. Okay. Pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun yet? And

Anything can happen. It's a real show. Pulled another name out. Here we go. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Andreas Bach. Andreas Bach is next. Until Tony. Here we go. Here he is. Andreas Bach, everybody. I think kids today are too weak. Okay. I have two twin boys, okay? I want my kids to grow up to be as tough as me.

So I'm trying to raise them right. Like I make them school lunch, I do. But I make it two days in advance. So the cheese gets extra sweaty. And I don't even want to, but I've started smoking. It's not often, it's only when we're driving. And I don't have a lot of money to travel and shit. But sometimes I just run away and I sleep in the garage for two days and I don't tell them.

But I'll leave a note in the kitchen and it says, "Here boys, here's $50 to buy some groceries. Daddy will be right back." And it's not $50 there. And each of them thinks the other one took it. Wow. What an appearance. Unbelievable. A true 60 seconds of comedy. Thank you.

Great fucking job, dude. Great job. Great set, especially going after Jamal. It's just like getting better. That was incredible. I like your style. Welcome to the show, Andreas Bach. This is your first time on the show? Yeah. Very good set. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up in Norway for five years. Norway? Great. Wow. I love it.

I just arrived like two hours ago in Austin. Incredible. Look at that. Amazing. Dreams coming true. Fucking awesome. So you flew from Norway straight into Austin? I've been awake for 48 hours. Incredible. And so far you've had the set of the night. Absolutely incredible. This dude's fucking awesome. Yeah.

But I have a problem. I'm staying for two months trying to get on Kill Tony and I nailed it on the first night. Dreams come true. It doesn't get any better than that. Damn, that's fate, dude. Hell yeah.

says he's from Norway. Meanwhile, he looks like every Ukrainian soldier I've ever seen. I mean, that is what a Ukrainian soldier that escaped war right now would be saying. I'm just visiting from Norway. Don't mind me. Totally not dodging a war.

incredible so how long you been doing stand-up in norway uh five years five years seems like it funny as hell great timing great execution a masterful uh masterful 60 seconds um what's comedy like in norway how's it different than america explain to us uh i know a little bit i performed in stockholm sweden a couple times yeah they don't quite laugh as loud a little bit more uh a

It's almost like a theater-like performance, but you give us the information. You're a true Norway guy. The only thing I can compare to is I did this same minute at this Shakespeare bar next where we were hanging out. And this was the worst one minute of my life. LAUGHTER

Yo, I love this fucking guy. Yeah, this guy's all right. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. This is much better. Like, fuck yeah. I love you guys. Definitely. So you talked about having kids. How many kids do you have? Two. Two kids. Two and boys. Two boys. Oh, you're very proud of the fact that you made boys with your testicles. Absolutely.

You made a real point to say that they were boys. I have to be proud. Absolutely. I had them when I was 19, so... Okay. How old are you now? 31. Okay. Wow. Look at you. So a real dad. How do you make money? Yeah, traveling to Austin without them. Yeah. He left them 50 bucks. Yeah. For two months. That goes a long way.

I am Norway! I love it. So what do you do for work out there? I'm a professional comedian in Norway. Oh, incredible. I quit my job a year ago. Amazing. What was that job? I was a sailor. You were a sailor? A Norwegian sailor. A Norwegian sailor? Yeah, ladies. Wow.

Oh my god. You're about to have two more kids if you keep that up. Holy shit. Also, I didn't know that was a flex. He's like, ladies, Norwegian sailor? What the, what do you want, a cruise ship? Unbelievable. They gotta be wooden boats. It was a ferry. Absolutely incredible. Oh, it was a ferry. You weren't in the Norwegian Navy. No, no, no. I had cars. I don't know if I'd call you a sailor. You drove a boat. Yeah.

You were a parking attendant on the water. Yeah. Hell yeah. Have you always looked like if Eminem was a lesbian? Feminine.

Feminem? If you only had one pussy to eat. If you only had one Stroopwafel. And you had two twin boys. And you wanted to come to America to do Kill Tony. What would you do?

A red sky at night is a sailor's delight. Okay. The clogs are ready. Did you say the clogs? Unbelievable. Andreas, you're so likable and cool. Fucking awesome. What else are you into? Tell us more about your life. Do you have any hobbies or cool things about you? Uh,

I had a lot of hobbies, but when I started stand-up, that's it. That's all I do. Ice swimming, climbing. Ice swimming? Oh, shit. Man. Oh, shit. You've got to talk to Rubbin after this. Yeah.

Ice swimming. What kind of music do you like? I feel like you gotta be into some hardcore shit. Yeah, you look like you wear those all black like a gimp suit or something like that, right? You have that energy to wear like it takes a lot for you to come. It takes a lot of crazy shit. You have to beat on people and shit. I eat ass just to get in the mood. There you go. Absolutely. Absolutely.

A little bit of that sweet, sweet vitamin B, you know what I mean? You got real cock ring vibes. I like it. Yeah, that is true. You do have cock ring vibes. Do you have a cock ring? No, not yet.

He's just got here. He's got two months left. I tried a cock ring once, but my dick turned purple. Oh my goodness. And I'm a hypochondriac, so I was really scared. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I love this guy. He's amazing. It is absolutely incredible. And how long are you in Austin for? One month at least. I have a ticket home in...

I can't remember. I'm so fucking tired, but it was in the middle of October. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Yeah! Yeah! Fuck yeah! You've been here for two hours. 40 hours of traveling. You got a big joke book. You like nicotine? These are some Zippix nicotine toothpicks. I highly recommend them on long flights. They are absolutely incredible. This is what I live for! Yeah. Yeah.

And you're also leaving with a brand new gel blaster on your way out. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise one more time for the Kill Tony debut of Andreas Bach, everybody. There we go.

Yes. This is it, Kill Tony, where we meet some of the most talented people from around the world live. Anything can happen straight out of a bucket. Your next comedian we discovered out of a bucket two and a half months ago. Now over 100 million people have heard him talk about how he carries rocks in his pocket.

An absolute force of nature made his first theater debut opening for me on my crazy tour two weeks ago. Did so good that I continued to bring him out after that and he's absolutely murdering in theaters now. Having the time of his life riding the wave, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the newest regular on Kill Tony, the one and only Cam Patterson, everybody. Thank you.

I hate my niece, she a bitch. 'Cause she be bragging about shit she know I can't do. Like I was back home a couple weeks ago, she's like, "Uncle Cameron, Uncle Cameron, guess what? I passed the third grade." And I'm like, "I don't care, bitch. If you so goddamn smart, you did it twice like I did." I only did it twice though because I couldn't read.

That ain't funny bitch. I wonder I wonder guy couldn't read for so I could read up Let me ask all the questions. You know how hard it is to learn how to read when you can't read That shit is damn near impossible Yes Another minute from Cam Patterson Unbelievable you've done it again. That is incredible gang violence indeed. We outside

Absolutely, I agree with gang violence. Is that true? Did you really get held back in third grade? Yeah, my dad called it, uh, reclassing. Yeah. But you don't do that shit in third grade. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You'll be fine, nigga. You just reclassing right now. You're gonna get bigger and stronger for football season. Ah, hell yeah. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be all right.

I got help back in the third grade also, and it's great because you actually were the oldest person in your class. It kind of helped you. I hate that shit. I like that shit. You old bitch. I was like, nigga, I'm 18. Really? I was 18 as a senior. Wait. Oh, okay. I thought you were going to say he's a third grader. That's a lot of reclassification. We all pictured him the same size that he is now in third grade there for a second. Like, what's up, little fuck nigga? Two plus two is four. You feel me?

- You got held back in third grade? - Yeah, but I'm so old, it was like the first time there was a divorce in my area and they didn't know how I would react to divorce 'cause they never had divorces where I lived and so they held me back because of it. - Your parents got divorced? - In third grade. - Really? - Yeah, yeah. - Wow. - They got divorced? - What? - Yeah. - That's fucked up. - Because there was, like back then, I'm old, I'm almost 50, but back then-- - That's what they told you, dude. - Dude, Redman, you believed that your whole life?

That's fucking crazy. You should still be in the third grade if you think that. Oh my God. Oh, that's funny as fuck. This is incredible. Just three flunkies. I as well got held back in fourth grade. I was able to pass third grade. Yeah, they fucking held me back. What about y'all niggas? Was y'all smart?

Look at these smarties over here. I graduated early, dorks. Wow. Incredible. Hey, kill this nigga. Gang violence. Hell yeah. Incredible. Just three flunkies. Tony, Red Band, and Cam Patterson. Absolutely incredible. Look at us. Look at us now, man. Those fucking teachers. I swear to God, they deserve to die. Yeah.

Seems like you guys have let it go.

Unbelievable. So Cam Patterson, fresh off of another weekend of theaters, this time in Charlotte, North Carolina and Atlanta, Georgia. You, William Montgomery, David Lucas, you and David Lucas bringing your entourages to both of my theater shows. Yeah, my green rooms literally look like a fucking Tyler Perry production. It was absolutely incredible. Hey, Tony got the blackest green rooms in the game, baby. It's true. I swear to God, you would not believe it.

That shit was beautiful. We had Magic City stripper wings. Yeah, we did. We had strip club wings in Atlanta delivered to the green room. We did not go to the strip club. We did the real Atlanta experience, filmed a special, and then had strip club wings, which were delicious. I was kind of upset when David insisted. I go, David, what's the best food in Atlanta? Let's get it for the green room. He goes, Magic City strip club wings. I go, David.

And then we had these fucking wings, man. I don't know what it is. It's the fucking parents' disappointment mixed in the fucking sauce or something like that. They put a little bit of pussy juice on every wing. Hey, whatever it was. Just drinking a little drop of pussy juice on every wing. Yep. Yep. The breasts and the thighs. Yeah. Yeah.

But yeah, good wings. What else? Tell us more about you in theaters. Nigga, that shit, the craziest thing, theater was dope. Theater was fun as fuck, but dog, but you had me in some of the nicest hotels I've ever seen in my life, nigga. Oh my God. Yeah, I gotta tell you guys, this just, like, let me tell you, one of the coolest things about going on the road and taking someone who, you know, isn't used to that level of

the game is that you get to kind of relive how cool everything that you're doing is. And there was a part where we checked in. We checked into this nice hotel in Atlanta and we're all getting our own room keys. They're being handed out and he opens his little thing and he pulls out the room key and he goes, God damn, this is the thickest hotel room key I've ever seen in my life. Hey, Tony! Oh!

Gang violence. Gang violence. Oh, my God. The Omni Hotel in Atlanta, Georgia. It was the Omni, and then the other one was like, I don't know which one. This one's the 50th. It's the new rock. That's a Motel 6. Tony, they're giving us credit cards. Ha ha ha!

What was the other one? Oh, it was the Continental. That's right. Which strangely did not have coffee in the lobby. Yeah, fuck them for that. Yeah, it was crazy. He's all bougie now. Stays in one night's hotel. Where are my slippers at, bitch? Hey, they put a robe in that bitch. There was a robe in there. Someone come hand me my remote.

I think they had a robe in there. No, it wasn't a robe. It was a robe. I took that shit. Yeah, yeah. That's it. Go. You came home with a king-size bed for sure. Tony, shut the fuck up and drive.

Oh, man, I fucking love this kid. He's unbelievable. Superstar. Absolutely crushing his sets. Going out to standing ovations in theaters. Ending his sets with standing ovations in theaters. That's great, dude. Congratulations. That's fucking awesome. Only months after moving to Austin, Texas...

For, what is it, two and a half years you've been doing this? Yeah, two and a half. For two and a half years, Cam, I swear to God, I don't think anybody's ever seen anything like it. You are incredible every single week to be able to kick out a new minute like that. I mean, you have to realize, William Montgomery, I think 11 years. David Lucas, eight and a half, nine years. Hans Kim, seven or eight years. So the fact that you're even on this level goes to show what a natural freak you are, and we couldn't be happier to have you here. Thank you.

Cam Patterson, the white t-shirt available at killmerch.com. Make some noise for the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody. Come on.

superstar. His shirt comes with a free rock. That is true. The plain white Cam Patterson t-shirt comes with a free rock. You can't make it up. Get it. Killmerch.com. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Cam Patterson is a tough act to follow, but we're going to get through it together. 60 seconds uninterrupted by Isabella Sosa, everybody. Isabella Sosa. Thank you.

I needed this. I really did. I recently had to break up with my Mexican boyfriend. But it's okay, I'm seeing the silver lining. Now that we have separated, I have been identifying as a Latinx. Gracias. I'm not Latina, but my last name is Sosa, so some people assume that I am. And if you do need proof that I'm not Latina, just look no further. It's easy to look further. You can just...

I'm Asian and that seems obvious to me but if you do need proof that I'm Asian here it is. Just imagine me like on a stoop with a cigarette. A sewing machine behind me just... If you were racist in this room right now you would be so mad. And I know what you're thinking but Tony don't say it. Okay. What was it that you thought I would say? Chink. Oh okay.

Are you Chinese? I'm Filipino. Okay. Aw. All right, that's a whole different thing. There's a whole other slur for that. Kind of. What? I said kind of. Kind of indeed. You know, there's roots in the Chinese. Anyway, it's, yeah. I love it. Okay, so welcome to the show, Isabella. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I started doing open mics about five years ago, took a break in pandemic. Okay. Yep, everybody did. Yeah. Okay.

Where was that at? San Antonio and here as well. Okay, so San Antonio. Is that where you're from? Yes, sir. Born and raised? Yes, sir. Okay, very good. What do you do for a living? Without taking my clothes off, I make content on social media. What kind of content do you make? TikToks, comedy, fashion, sewing. Wow. Okay. Is that real? I do reels. You make a living...

You make a living doing sewing videos? Yeah, brand deals sponsored by Crocs, Adidas. You are? Yeah. Holy shit. Look her up, Red Band. Let's see what the fuck we're missing. Oh, he already has looked her up. He already is DMing her. He's ordered a bottle of lotion off Amazon. It's an hour away.

You are Red Band's type. He very rarely sits up straight during anybody's 60 seconds and you had him leaning over the fucking table for a second. What type of guys are you into, Isabella? White guys. Whoa, Red Band, look at this. Are you into like slightly tinted green white guys? Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Are you more of a red guy? Together we're like a Christmas decoration. I like that. I'm a Christian. Very good. So when you say white guys, how'd you end up with a Mexican boyfriend or was that just for the joke? Oh, I was doing drugs at the time. Oh, wow. What kind of drugs were you doing? Oh, gabapentin, Adderall, weed. Okay. Alcohol. Is that when you decided to cut your own hair? Yeah.

That is incredible. Whatever's going on there is incredible. Thank you. Absolutely. How did that happen? Is that by design? Did you ask for that? It's by principle. Just been cutting my own hair since I was a kid. You really do? Yeah, I really do. Wow. Okay. You know, I'm a seamstress, so I just kind of...

Apply it elsewhere. I hope your sewing is better than your haircut. Unbelievable. It's okay. Okay, Isabella, tell us more about your life. What else do you do?

Well, I am a seamstress by trade. There's a comedy club. I made all the curtains there. I've fixed people's clothes. Wait, wait, wait. You can do curtains? Yes, I made all the curtains. I would love to hire you to do curtains. Please do, yes. Wow, there you go. Look at that. Dreams coming true. Red Band waited only seven months for his comedy club to be open before finally getting the curtains that he needed seven months ago. I checked out the curtains there. I thought they were a little... We just need more curtains. We got curtains. Yeah.

Are you shaved? Don't lean on me. You're disgusting. I fucking hate you. And I can't believe I'm stuck working with you. The loyalty that I show by continuing to let you sit next to me is unbelievable. Are you shaved? Yeah.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. We know your shave. I thought you were talking to me. So, Isabella, tell us more. More hobbies? You seem like a very active person. Oh, yeah. You have pets? Yes. I have five dogs and a cat. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Okay. Maybe just relax a little bit. You're getting really amped up here. Okay.

Five dogs and a cat. My goodness. What kind of dogs do you have? Oh, the biggest one is a Great Dane. The smallest is like a Pickapoo. Tiny little thing. Indeed. All kinds in between. Pickapoo. Something like that. One of my favorite games to play with kids. Okay. Do you have a big house that they live in? Yes. Okay. Yeah, in San Antonio, it's cheaper there. You live by yourself? I live with my parents. Oh.

Five dogs, a cat, a mother and a father, it turns out. It's because I left the Mexican boyfriend and it was a situation. But I'm moving to Austin in October. How long were you with the Mexican boyfriend? We were high school sweethearts and then I got back on drugs and we dated again for a year.

So he didn't like you when you were on drugs? Oh, he only liked me when... I only liked him when I was on drugs. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. What does he do for a living? Oh, he's in law school. Oh. But that's irrelevant. Mexican in law school? Yeah. That's incredible. Never heard of such a thing. Affirmative action wasn't overturned yet. Yeah, it's very, very rare. The old Mexican law student. All right.

Hold on. Amy Schumer has to get back to her seat real quick. Hustle on over there. Don't make a big deal about it. Isabella Sosa. Yes, sir. Okay, before we let you go, give us one more crazy fun fact about your life or something that we would find interesting about you. Oh.

I'm learning ventriloquism. I'm trying to work on that. Okay. Can you show us a little bit of ventriloquism? Here it is, everybody. Ventriloquism by Isabella Sosa here on Kill Tony. It's challenging. I try to do it consistently, and it takes knowing the articulation and understanding how to use your throat and your tongue, you know? And...

Who said that? Get away. Literally move over. Fucking on my lap tonight. Jesus Christ. Fucking disgusting. What a coincidence. Red Band has his hand up his own ass right now. Keep her out here just a little bit longer.

Amazing. These are the RU Garbage guys, everybody. RUgarbage.com for tickets. They're on tour. Literally the best. Okay, what's the longest set you've ever done on stage? 20 minutes. 20 minutes? I'd love to have you on The Secret Show. Thank you! We like you, Isabella. Here's a joke book. There's a big joke book. Very good. Good catch.

There she goes. Isabella Sosa, everybody. Her Kill Tony debut, leaving with a gel blaster. Pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there tonight, huh? Here we go. We're going to meet them all together. Your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Sean Clark, everyone. Here we go. Sean Clark. Sean Clark.

One more time for Sean Clark, everybody. There's only actually like 10 people here. That's crazy. It looks bigger on the computer. I'm sick of pop quizzes. Sick of pop quizzes. They give too many of them. They don't tell you in school that there's going to be a lot of them when you're done with school. They don't tell you that they're going to be administered by a police officer at 3 a.m. on the side of a highway. They don't tell you any of that. They don't tell you you're going to fail a lot of them.

They don't tell you any of that. GameStop. They won't buy my games. They won't buy my games. They refuse to buy them. They say there's a no Asian porn game policy there. They say that it's not actually a GameStop, but an inner city preschool, and I need to leave immediately. So that could be on me. But to be fair, they called it GangStop, which I think is a little misleading and a little confusing. Thanks. That's it.

Whoa. Sean Clark. Yikes. Holy shit. All right. More like please stop. Sorry. Yeah, we're not taking your games here either, my friend. Holy shit. Nothing you said was real. It was like all just fantasy stuff. You started out by saying there's 10 people blatantly in a room with hundreds and hundreds of people packed into it tight. What did you mean by that?

There's 10 people here, you said. It looks bigger on the internet is what you said. What did you mean by that? Are you talking about what you can see? Yeah, it was more of a violent panic reaction than anything else. Just kind of regurgitation. All right. Straight up. Just...

10 people. Okay. So you wish you wouldn't have said that. I'm regretting that. Okay. And then you did a joke about a pop quiz, but it's really a DUI test. Then you did a joke about a GameStop, but you're returning videos. So nothing was real. Nothing was real. I mean, yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? This is my first time. There you go. That makes sense.

I remember when I thought that that would work when I started stand-up comedy. I think it's a very common trait of people that are very, very, very, very, very just beginning is you kind of think like, ah, they'll never see this coming because it's a this and it's a that. So let's try to figure out what's actually funny about you, Sean Clark. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's dig right in. What do you do for a living?

I'm between jobs, so I'm unemployed. So what was the job before? What's the job you're going for? I worked for a tech company in New York City, and they laid me off in March, so just...

Now I'm going to Phoenix soon to work for another company. Another tech company. No. Now I'm going to do property management for vacation rentals. Ooh, okay. Yeah. That does not sound like a lateral move. No. No, it does not. And why Phoenix, Arizona? What made you pick there? You were in New York City. Yeah. Well, one, they gave me a job, so that helped. Okay.

The other option was to not have another job. So I went with Phoenix. Did you try to get a job in a city other than the middle of the desert? Yeah, no, I did. I did. I tried New York, and there was a lot of people getting laid off at the same time. Why did you get laid off? Why do you think they decided to trim you out of the budget? Oh, boy. He ran his minute. I can't.

I can't imagine that I was worth what they were paying me before, so at some point they fucking got smart. I don't know. How much were they paying you? Only like $80,000. This kid failed the third grade for sure. What are you saying? Hold on. How long are you in Austin for? What are you doing here? I'm here until Wednesday. I'm here visiting my girlfriend who had a surgery. She had surgery on what?

She said I'm not allowed to tell you. An ovarian cyst? No. Was it elective surgery? Twas. It was a what? Somebody got some titties. Hold on, what? It was an elective surgery. Boob job. Was it a boob job? It was an elective procedure. Okay. But I'm still here. Is she a stripper? No. She could be after this surgery. Rev them up.

She could be. Incredible. Okay. So tell us more about you, Sean. What else are you into? What do you really like? What's going on? My buddy said to say that I'm allergic to latex. Apparently that's an interesting thing. No, it's not. Your buddy's an idiot. What are your parents like? Do your parents like you? I think for the most part, yeah. They've distanced themselves a little bit, but other than that...

Upstate New York. Rochester? Hell yeah, baby. Wow, I can fucking tell. You know how I know? The worst people are from Rochester, New York. It is incredible. Just a bunch of people that literally, their parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, they all just stayed where they landed. They arrived to America. They found some area in Rochester. They settled down. And it's generations of people that never,

never moved, never chased a dream, never took a chance, and that's what you have in upstate New York. It's just filled with fucking people that are like the flavor of water. They just have no character whatsoever, and when they do come into a real city to chase their dreams, they end up like this guy right here. So Sean...

Your parents are in Rochester. Unfortunately. Yeah. And you're from Rochester. That's what runs through your veins. Yeah. Garbage plates just threw my blood. That's true. You are garbage. No need for you to be on their podcast. We already know. That was never going to happen. I love it. So Sean, this girlfriend of yours getting elective surgeries, she lives here in Austin? Yeah. Why does she live in Austin?

Because her friend from college moved here. I don't know. She doesn't have a good reason. What does she do for work? She's a consultant for a consulting company. Is the consulting company the red or the yellow rose?

Yeah, I feel like you're just paying for a stripper's implants, to be honest with you. It's funny because she lives right near the Red Rose and listening all these years, I was like, I didn't even know what the Red Rose was. And then she lives near, I was like, that's what the Red Rose is. That makes a lot of sense. Does she sometimes miss your calls between 10 p.m. and 3 a.m.? Yeah, it's tough getting a text back even. So the calls are definitely a no-go. I bet. I bet. Tough out there for a Phoenix property manager. It is.

Wow. So, Sean, what made you want to start stand-up comedy? What made you come here tonight and try this for the first time here?

I got laid off and my life got significantly shittier. So I was like, well, give comedy a try. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Now, do you think that there's anything that... Now, like I said, you used a lot of fake premises and things. Have you ever even gone through a DUI test? No, not even close. Never. And you've never tried to return a video to a GameStop? No, that I have tried to do. Really? Not Asian porn, but...

I have tried to return videos, or not return, but sell videos to GameStop. Didn't you allude to being a sex offender? That's true, right? Is that true? They have to do it. We can't initiate it. It depends how good your internet search is. All right. Has somebody ever told you that you're funny? People have. People have. His stripper girlfriend. I don't know.

You're so funny. Oh, you're so funny, Daddy.

I feel like I'm better in improvisational things, but I've been trying to run away from people thinking that I'm gay since I did middle school theater. You did middle school theater? I did, yeah. That's interesting. Can you give us a little scene? Can you show us some of your acting chops here? Doing a little bit of acting, some upstate New York acting for you. This is Sean Clark, everybody. Here we go. I'll be reading for the part of Sailor Ensemble in The King and I. Okay. Okay.

Oh yeah, you're gay, dude. That was it. Wow, incredible. All right, little joke book activated. Sean Clark, congratulations. Your first time ever doing stand-up, kind of. Almost kind of. Here, take some Zip-X nicotine toothpicks. Thank you. It'll take the edge off of whatever the fuck you just did up here tonight. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. We still having fun out there? Okay.

60 seconds uninterrupted for your next comedian out of the bucket, Rick Diaz. Rick Deez, perhaps, or Diaz. Rick Diaz. Oh, my goodness gracious. Here he is, everybody. Things just picked up. One more time for Rick, everybody. All right. Okay. I'm here to bring the energy up.

Oh wow, a statue of me. I look like Spiderman got bit by a normal spider. I went to the cinema last weekend and I forgot to put my phone in silent mode and nothing happened.

Did you guys know that when cats know they're gonna die, they look for a very quiet and isolated place to die, away from the other cats? Yeah, they come to my place. One more? Alright. Yeah, I was in bed with this lady one time, and out of the blue she pulls out a pair of cuffs, and she's like, cuff me! I wanna feel punished! So I was like, so I cuffed her to me. LAUGHTER

Thank you very much. Wow. Oh my goodness. Fucking rollercoaster of a show. Holy shit. I am in love. Yeah, dude. This is incredible. What a diabolical character slash monster slash whatever the fuck

Oh my goodness. Wow. I feel like this is what I would have been like if I had parents growing up. This is amazing. I didn't have parents. You didn't have parents? And I had one. And then a lot of stepdads. Oh, fuck. I love this guy. Oh man, this guy's dangerous, dude. I'm telling you, I know it when I see it.

Oh, what a defined character you are. He got a laugh before he got to the mic. Oh, it's amazing. He knows how to play this instrument that he is. Yeah. I played it a lot when I was a teenager. It's good. Oh, my God. It is so funny how sometimes we can have a rough night of bucket pools. This is almost like the night that we found Aaron Belisle and we just kept going through names.

And holy shit. Roller coaster. Yeah, it really is. And here we are. Top of the battle. Rick, D's or Dia's? Dia's. Dia's, okay. And are you, you're Mexican? I'm Spanish. Spanish, okay. I'm Spain. Yeah, okay. You're...

I know I need to specify this here. Absolutely. Very, very cool. And how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Four years. Four years. Absolutely hysterical. That's fucking amazing, dude. You're making fun of yourself. You're owning the character that you are. It is, you know, just straight up as good as it gets. A lot of people...

They try to look cool or be cool. Not you. You come up here and this is what we're here for. This isn't the cool club. People didn't come for a cool show. They came for a fucking comedy show. They came to a comedy club and that's what you're doing. You exist. Every face that you make, every single thing that you're doing right now, everything is hilarious. You are completely present. He seems so not happy to be here.

And he just murdered. He's like, "Yeah, whatever. I don't care. You fucking idiots." Normally I don't murder in public. He hasn't not set a punchline. It's crazy.

Everything he does is funny. This is a star. This is one of those moments that we're going to remember forever. So what is going on? Where do you live now? I live in Brussels, Belgium. Why? Why Brussels? For my job. What's your job? Like government stuff. You work in the government of Brussels? The European Union, yeah. The EU? Yep, the EU, yeah. What do you do for the EU? Yeah, that's how it feels.

It's crazy. Oh my god, you're a freak. How do you work for the fucking EU when you're this funny? This is crazy. I mean, I have a very depressive job, so...

This is the end result. That's what you get doing contracts all day. And are you doing stand-up in Belgium? Yeah, I do stand-up in Belgium. Did you ever do it in Spain? I did it in Spain as well, yeah. And obviously you do it in Spanish in Spain? Yeah, in Spanish in Spain and French in Belgium. Even though we don't know Spanish, can you just say a joke in Spanish and then explain to us afterwards what the joke was? I mean, I can say the same jokes I said in Spanish.

Okay, if you want to do that. I mean, I was thinking maybe we'd get one extra joke. Oh, you want to get an extra joke? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just looking at the drummer. Here he is doing one extra joke in Spanish. For those of you, luckily there's a lot of illegal immigrants here, Rick. So some of these people are going to know what you're saying in Spanish. I'm barely legal myself. Okay.

I ordered an Uber to come here and when I asked for the Uber, the driver wrote me on the way. So I answered: "I hope so, man." And he wrote me again: "White car, Honda Civic." And I said: "White human, very nervous." And he cancelled me.

Wow, you can really tell where the Mexicans are sitting here. It's incredible. Huge pops from the Mexican section. Crazy. A lot of white people just... I heard Honda Civic. And now, everybody, you're going to tell us the joke in English. Here it is, the same joke, but in English. Are they going to understand it better? Well, now everyone else that didn't get to laugh. Okay, let's see. I ordered an Uber to come here, and when I ordered the Uber, the driver texted me.

on my way so I texted him back "I fucking hope so" and then he texted me again "White car, Honda Civic" so I texted him again "White human" "Extremely anxious" and he cancelled the ride I mean

This is what this show is all about. It's why you play the game. Flying through a bucket, hoping and trying, and it's obviously, you saw all the other bucket pools. You know that a show like this cannot possibly be produced. We don't know any of these people before. Anything can happen, and every once in a while, we get lucky. You don't win the lottery...

unless you play the lottery. And you are one of these people that we are looking for. When my hand goes in this stupid pieces of paper,

I'm hoping to find someone. So how long are you in Austin, Texas for? How hard is it for you to get here? It's incredibly hard. I took all of my yearly holidays. I'm staying a month. I'm staying until September 30th. September 30th. Yep. September 30th. That is an entire month. You're here until September 30th? Yep. How would you like to perform on Kill Tony every week that you're here until then? Yeah.

By the way, his answer is about to be hilarious. He hasn't answered yet. I'm overwhelmed with emotions right now. The answer is yes. Our...

New European super guest. Ladies and gentlemen, let's just call it what it is. Let's just call it what it is. My friend, you just won a Kill Tony golden ticket here right now live. It is what it is. Yeah. The most awkward high five of all time. That's for you. Yes.

And Rick, I would love to have you on every single secret show while you're in town. Every secret show in September. Every Kill Tony in September. Every Monday. Every Thursday.

And you know what else? When things don't get any better, because I truly believe this, I've never even done this before, but I'm going to, as soon as this show is over, I'm going to immediately go up to the mothership booker at Amiga, and I'm going to tell him, I'm going to insist that he needs to see you, so I'm going to...

get you a show on Sunday, three minutes in front of him no matter what. He has to see you. He's going to absolutely love you. So you might end up doing a lot of spots, or maybe. I can't guarantee what he'll give you, but I know that he's going to love to see you. You're so different. You're so yourself. You're so aware. You're in the pocket. You don't even smile. You are just you. It's crazy. I

I tried. Ladies and gentlemen, your newest golden ticket winner, a star is born. This is the Kill Tony debut of Rick Diaz. Man. Right. Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick Diaz.

Rick Diaz, I also am headlining a show Friday night, 10pm at Vulcan Gas Company. Can you do that? I can do anything. I just need somebody to remind me of all of this shit. Monday, Thursday, Friday, Sunday. You just got four spots.

plus the other Mondays. So eight spots from 60 seconds here live on Kill Tony. One more time for Rick Diaz, everybody. Oh, yeah. Shit. Fucking crazy. Man. That's what it's all about, man.

Sometimes the comedy gods are looking out for us. That guy is hysterical. He did it once. Self-deprecation is the fucking name of the game, man. Great jokes, too. That guy is an absolute fucking wow. The Europeans are killing tonight. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I was ready to give him something. Well, I got to say it. You know what I'm about to say? There's only one person in the world that can even go up after that. He is the record holder for all-time appearances on this show, interviews on this show, minutes on this show, interview minutes on this show, on the road with me, every single theater, every single comedy club. The Freak.

The Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Big Red Machine. The one, the only, William motherfucking Montgomery, everybody. It is now official. Yevgeny Prigzogin was in the plane that crashed in Russia a few days ago. As a reminder, always turn off your cell phone before you take off.

There are rumors Steve Harvey's wife had an affair with their personal chef and bodyguard. Let's just hope this doesn't turn into a family feud. The good news is that if the personal chef did have an affair with Steve Harvey's wife, Steve promises not to fire him. The bad news, he's gonna go paddle boarding with Barack Obama.

Bob Barker died this week. He chose to be cremated, which is nice considering they'll only have to turn the tanning bed up 10 degrees. Okay, that's my time. Let's go. Let's go in need. That is a fucking great joke. Bob Barker's tanning bed. That's an amazing joke, dude. Wait, what did you just say? Hey!

No, seriously, I didn't hear you. What did you just say? It was a wonderful joke. Thank you, thank you. William lights out Montgomery, has done it again, coming in over the top. The man with more minutes than anyone ever in the history of the show comes out, does it again. Super topical stuff that literally all happened this week. Cell phone on an airplane, Steve Harvey paddle boarding, Bob Barker. I mean, you went through the whole thing. Stuff you only could have written this week. You really are the big red machine. How does it feel?

it feels really good and Tony I have to be honest I think one of the sponsors of the show is Liquid IV that has I've been taking it a bunch recently and it really hurts they actually it's literally an IV in your arm no because I've been doing it I went over to Red Band's guy he said he was a Red Band's guy and yeah the guy I go into his apartment and he sets me up with this IV is that really what Liquid IV is?

I thought it was a drink supplement. It is. It's a powdered drink. Well, what's this guy fucking injecting into my ass, Tony? That's a different thing. That's an IV. If it's Red Band's guy, it's probably like Hershey's syrup or something. Probably. Oh!

Yeah, you're looking as bad as ever, Red Band. Red Band is snorting like a pig right now. Christmas story. Wow, look at you. Can you do that? That's the first time I've ever tried to do that. Do it again. Aw. Aw, your first snorts. Who said that's cute? You?

Get the fuck out of here, dumbass! I just had this set of my life up here! Don't fuck me up right now, bitch. Kicking people out. William Montgomery, one of his trademark maneuvers. Get him out of here, he famously says. In every comedy club, every theater that we've been doing, he attempts to kick somebody out. Literally, we've been doing venues with 4,000 people. He will target someone in the first two minutes and say, get him out of here!

It's about a 90% success rate. They immediately, security comes in, they fucking drag him out. I meet him in the back about 10 minutes after I get off stage. I start prodding him. I got this really cool, Tony actually got it for me. It's this little rod that has an electrical thing on the end of it and I will just stand in the fucking alleyway and just fucking shock these pieces of shit. It is a cattle prod.

A cattle prod, yes. That's the name. A lot of people don't know this, but I secretly keep one under the table and I zap Red Band when he's misbehaving sometimes. Woo! Wasn't there somebody that sat in the front row that you went after and you shouldn't have recently that was some big president or something? It was a Native American Indian man who was the owner of a casino somewhere in California. Yeah.

When I was opening up for Segura. Yeah. Why would you bring that up? Oh, yeah. That is correct. I do remember now. A little fun fact. It was the only time Segura ever took you on the road. All the tour dates that he does. Yeah. It's almost like you already knew that, Red Band. You fucking piece of shit. He owned the casino you guys played at. Literally the owner of the venue of...

multi, multi, multi, multi, hundred, hundred millionaire, and you targeted him and told him to get out of his own venue. And it's just crazy. You know, Segura, the only person that works more than him is Bert, and it's crazy because Segura literally does like five or six nights a week on the road. You would think he would have invited you back. Yeah, you would have, but it was after I kicked the chief out. I mean, you should have seen his pussy-ass fucking headdress he had on. He had the fucking most pussy-ass...

I was like, what are you, an Arapaho? What are you, a Chaco? What's another Indian? Hold on. Hold on. Pocahontas, thanks, bitch. Fuck, I wasn't looking for specific Indians, bitch. I was looking for groups. Rubbin' from earlier.

Man, I had forgot all about rubbing. My brain scrubbed that memory until I just had a horrible flashback. Oh, God. Remember the guy that just wouldn't stop talking? Talking about William? What? Nothing, sir. Okay, thank you.

Incredible. So William, what else is going on? You've been doing these theaters with me. Biggest venues you've ever performed in in your life. How does it feel? It feels wonderful. It's a big rush. I've had to kind of be able to blow off steam recently and I've discovered a game that I used to play but I didn't. I forgot how exciting it was. I've been playing a bunch of Battleship recently.

the board game, it really kind of helps blow off steam after, I mean, you say like A6 and they say hit and then you basically go in kind of a grid pattern around A6 and then when you start hitting them, you can keep on going in the order. I mean, it's a rush once you get one of the, once you start hitting battleships, I'm not stopping. Yeah.

I mean, it's literally such a fucking rush once you start hitting. You're like, Q7, and they're like, hit. Then you're like, Q6, and they say no, and then you say, okay, Q8. I got you, ass bitch! Perhaps I wasn't expecting a master class on Battleship, but here we are learning from a true master who literally looks like he would be the captain of a battleship. I'd say great pride in that. Who do you play with?

Hopefully not a Norwegian sailor, because they are very good. Who do you play with? I've posted a thing on Craigslist. They don't have the personal, the missed connections anymore. I used to post on that a lot. But no, it's just under the gardening section. I'm like, hey, I got a shed in the backyard. It's filled with stuff. If you want to come by and grab some of this dirt and shit. Then they come by and I'm like, actually, I have a bigger surprise for you in the house.

And then I take them into the place in one of the upper bedrooms and just get out the fucking Battleship game. Sometimes they don't want to play and I have to handcuff them to the fucking chair. And then sometimes Red Band comes out. Red Band comes out with just a mask on and his penis shaking. Wow. You guys play Battleship? Yes, yes. All right. William, you're a monster. Anything else we should talk about before we get out of here?

How's the puppy? That's a great question. Yeah, we got it. We got it. Thank you, sir. We got it.

It's doing good. Okay, thank you, sir. That's enough of the questions. We did a follow-up question. Is it getting big? She's getting bigger. She's now four pounds. She was less than two pounds. Yeah, she's doing so good. Wow. If you had to pay tribute to the sweet little dog that you have, how would you do it? Sing it!

I love you, Gator. You know I love you, Gator. Red Band's coming over later tonight. And he's wearing his pants that come off easily.

We're gonna see his penis tonight. Hey. William Montgomery, the goat of the regulars. All time. The biggest red machine we've ever seen.

Make some noise for Jetski Jessie Johnson rejoining the show tonight, a legend of the game. JetskiJohnson.com for tickets. She's going to Yuma, Spokane, Washington, Phoenix, San Diego, a bunch of other places. The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in, and it's popping up on your screen right now. How loud can this place get for two of my favorite guests, two of my favorite comedians, H. Foley and Kevin Ryan, the Are You Garbage podcast here tonight.

Live on Kill Tony. Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, AustinPools.com, The Hall Firm, Austin Security Guard Service, ConnectMobileHealth.com, CM Smokehouse, and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. One more time for Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. Paul Diemer on the horns.

Jetski Johnson on the horns and the great D Madness on the bass guitar everybody

Thank you to ZipX, Toothpicks, and all of our other great sponsors, Red Band. Check out the secret show at the Sunset Strip. We're going to have new curtains soon. SunsetStripATX.com. New curtains coming soon. And a huge announcement right around the corner for the Kill Tony universe. The arena on New Year's Eve has officially sold out. We have sold out an arena in our hometown for a podcast. So...

A big, big announcement is coming, perhaps as soon as next week or the week after. Stay tuned. We love you guys. Thank you so much for coming out. Exclusive Kill Tony merch on your way out. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

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*Squish* *Screams* *Squish*