#626 - JOE DEROSA + DAVID LUCAS
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Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. All our merch can be found for Kill Tony at KillMerch.com. Tony's on a brand new tour. He's going all over the place. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony.

And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called The Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Kill Tony Band, and the secret show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at sunsetstripatx.com. And now a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

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Hello, Columbus, Ohio. This is it. I'm coming to you this weekend. I'm at the Speaker Joanne Davidson Theater. And then Kansas City, Indianapolis, Philadelphia, Tysons, Virginia, Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Youngstown, and Cincinnati. That's all coming soon. TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets. ♪♪♪

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchclick! Who's ready to have the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?

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God damn it. Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on to join the chaos of this show this week. No different. Two legends of Kill Tony. One, one of the most famous regulars to ever be on the show. Two, one of the best guests. Two of the best comedians in the world. Make some noise for the great David Lucas and Joe DeRosa. Wow. Oh, shit. Legends of the game.

Kill Tony Royalty. Guest of the Year 2021, Joe DeRosa.

Gross God, David Lucas. We are in it tonight. I know when I booked this show properly. I like mixing the chemistry of people, and I happen to know for a fact that this is a perfectly booked episode of Kill Tony. No matter what I pull out of this bucket tonight, it's going to be fun and fucking chaos. I could be wrong now that I've said that. It's a lot of pressure.

I love it. David, welcome. David Lucas, everybody. Kill Tony legend. Retired at the 10-year anniversary. He's out there headlining. Lots of dates coming up. David Lucas. What is it? DavidLucasFunny.com? I think so. I hope so. You don't know your website? Oh, I think it's DavidLucasComedy.com. Y'all niggas can finally just type my name. Shit. Google me. David's already drunk.

Thank y'all, man. I'm next to this big-headed-ass nigga right here. Wow. You're headed like a turtleneck, bitch. Are you excited that the country version of your song Fast Car is doing so well right now? Taking up Spacey Chapman. I gotta deal with both of you bitches tonight? D-Madness liked that one.

This motherfucker got a... If you would've been in front of John F. Kennedy, he'd still be alive. Nigga, yo... You got a head on you, baby. That goes for you, too. Let's be honest.

This is just a glimpse of the type of fun we're going to have tonight. This bucket is filled with hopefuls' names. Some of them elderly, some young, some new, some old. Some have been on, some have never done stand-up before. Some are brilliant, some are homeless and handicapped. Anything can happen. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted to do stand-up comedy. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Woo!

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear, which just cuts them off. And that's it. Other than that, everything goes. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Well, I'm going to pre-pull a name so we can get them from the bar next door, because in the meanwhile, we have some very, very important business. I don't know. How many of you guys are fans of the show?

So sometimes legend Hans Kim, who became a regular two years ago, has somewhat of a rough set. So we challenge him sometimes, week after week after week, to defend his spot.

as a regular. So he does a minute and then someone else good that we've learned about recently does a minute and the other person could become the new regular. Literally, they could take Hans' spot at any given point. Tonight, you're very lucky. This is one of those nights, ladies and gentlemen. So...

Your first set of the night, Legend of Kill Tony, one of the greatest regulars of all time. International touring act, selling out everywhere. Literally, I think he has a night at Sony Hall coming up in New York City. Make some noise for Hans Kim, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Hans Kim. Thank you. As you can tell by my confidence, I'm dating a white woman.

It's pretty impressive for me. It's like one of you guys getting into Harvard. I love being in a relationship because now when I have sex, I feel like I deserve it. No one's entitled to sex, but if you yell at me on the phone for two hours, I'm going to stick my dick in something.

I love how Gen Z are so fucked up nowadays that they won't even watch porn unless you call it an unboxing video. I had to convince them my dick was a vape. Yeah, it's oriental passion fruit. I don't know why they call it racial slurs, because I enunciate. Thank you.

Hans Kim yet again proving that he does a lot better when his job is on the line. I've been really stressed out, Tony. I grew a stress pimple on my chin. Ah, oh, okay.

So I might start a union for the regulars so that we don't have to get challenged. Well, none of the other regulars are getting challenged. I don't think they'll join the union. A couple are mentally challenged, but not challenged. So how did you prepare for this this week? What's your process to have a better minute every time your job is on the line compared to last week when you struggled in front of Post Malone and Joe Rogan?

Probably like stressing out and just hating myself and reading internet comments and then writing based on hate. There you go. The life of a comedian. People wonder why we all kill ourselves. There's a little insight. What else has happened this week with you? How's the white girlfriend doing? The white is doing great. The white...

The old great white. I accidentally got her sunburned in L.A. Had to spread aloe vera on her. She's great. I'm kind of worried about her because she turns on the dome light to look at her phone. I think she might be stupid. Oh, my.

Goodness. You think she might be stupid. That is so funny. All right, Hans. You feel good about it? Yes. Okay, put the mic in the mic stand. Thank you, Tony. You guys have anything for Hans? Man, yeah. One thing I love about Hans is when the pressure is on, bitch, you show up, nigga. Thank you, David. Use a Chinese diamond. You are made. Thank you.

I'm Korean. You ain't even Chinese, are you? I'm South Korean. My bad, dog. I don't know, man. I grew up in the South. Nigga, I only know white and black, bitch. Anything other than that is Asian, nigga. You fall under that category. You've called him every slur except the correct one. So how Chinese people eyes be? It's like that right there. Ha ha ha ha ha.

You ain't got no fortune cookies at your restaurant? No, we have kimchi. Oh, fuck that. Kimchi cookies. Kimchi fortunes. I don't know. Sorry. Hans gets scared when he looks in my eyes. Sorry.

I love it. Hans, great minute. Let's see what happens. Thank you. Go back there. We're going to have you come back out in just a minute. Oh, yeah, because I didn't mention the audience actually decides who wins. So his opponent tonight doing a new 60 seconds. We met him only once. He just moved here. He performed last week. And we said we want to see you challenge Hans Kim. Ladies and gentlemen,

Make some noise for Scott Fillmore, everybody. Here he is, his second time on "Pil Tony," his second minute, his second week in Austin, Texas. Come on, make some noise for Scott Fillmore, everybody. Let's go. - Oh, man. This is nuts. It's crazy, man. I'm gay. You're welcome. It's my gift. But I've decided it's time for me to start dating chicks again. It's mostly 'cause I'm tired of women feeling safe around me. Don't like it.

Yeah, man, I don't know. It's weird. There's so much focus on what divides us as a country. You know, like we put our labels on gay, straight, whatever. I don't like that. You know, I just read that 80% of Americans have depression. Something in common. That's good, you know? Like my gay depression, your straight depression. The only difference is my bite marks go farther down on the shotgun barrel than yours do. I don't know, man. Yeah, it's all I got. Thanks, guys.

All right, Scott Fillmore, 53 seconds in and out. Very fun. How do you feel, Scott?

Good, yeah. Step up to that microphone that picks up the... This is great, yeah. You guys are fun. Absolutely. So how's your... You've been here for two weeks, is that right? One week yesterday. Right, one week yesterday. So how's Austin, Texas been treating you so far? Amazing, dude. It's great shows, good people. Everybody's been really cool. And I want to kill myself every time I walk outside.

I hate it. Wait, why do you want to kill yourself? Because I'm fat, Tony. Oh, and it's hot. It's so hot here. Right. It is hot. It's so hot. It is extra hot for you. David Lucas? If you kill it... If you kill yourself, you're going to need an industrial strength rope, nigga, your ass. You can't kill yourself with no regular rope. That's Siliphant coming down, bitch.

I'm an Eagle Scout. I'm good with knots, man. I'll be all right. I'll be fine. You look like an unpaid Chris Farley. I don't know how you were scared of the microphone. You be sucking dick, don't you? That nigga act like he's scared of shit that look like that. Bitch, get your ass out of here. I know you're new to gay culture, but I'm what's called a top, Lucas. How you a top with that belly, nigga? You gonna bounce off, bitch. All right.

Teach me your secrets. Teach me your secrets. However you do it, I'll do it. You try to hit another gay nigga from the back, you gonna bounce her to the ceiling, bitch. That shit gonna be like a pogo stick, nigga. You're just telling me you don't fuck at all, then, is what you're saying. I go missionary. That's what fat niggas do. And you're the bad nigga. Come on. That's a sight to see. Holy shit. But you can't...

Are you serious? That'll be crazy. That'll be nuts. I'll try it out. Let's go. Let's do it. Wow. I'm not fucking you, boy. All talk, dude. All talk. What's your ass on there? I don't know. You're out here giving me advice, tips. You're not going to follow through, dude? Come on, man. What the hell? I'm talking about women. I don't know. I think David's about two tequilas away from doing it. I agree. I agree.

Bartender. We're going to have a whole new episode of Two Bears, Two Caves. All right.

All right. All right, Hans Kim, get back out here. Make some noise for Hans Kim, everybody. Make some noise for Scott Fillmore. What a way to start tonight's show. And now things get a little bit crazier. Oh, we have a little absentee vote. Look at this. This guy really taking advantage of the moment right now. What a great time to go pee. How exciting. He looks like if Blink-182 and 9-11 had a baby. I love it. Get in there. Yes. Very cool. You have little tiny middle fingers. Go pee, dude.

All right, here we go. How many of you have Scott Fillmore winning tonight and becoming the new regular on Kill Tony? It's up to you guys. How many of you think Hans Kim retains and remains the regular? I mean, that's just, it's not even close, folks. The motherfucker knows when to turn it on. He had more punchlines in the minute, no doubt about it. Hans Kim, everybody. Make some noise for Scott Fillmore.

Having the best week of his life. Probably one of the last weeks of his life as well. Because he's fat. He's morbidly obese. Just a reminder. He really tried me, Tony, with that gay... Can I say gay on here? You can say gay. You think gay is the worst thing you've said so far? Are you insane? He really tried me, bro. What the hell?

I like women, not boys. Did he really just say, did you really just say, can you say gay on this show? Do you know you've probably said gay more than anybody else ever? You've called me a gay everything. I don't know, bro, but when it's an actual gay person up here, you know, they take that shit different. Yeah. Them niggas be united like 300, bitch. They be out here. I don't know if you can call them N-words.

Oh, yeah. They might like that shit, man. They don't like to identify as what they is, so they might like being called an N-word. Joe DeRosa. This is... I just want to see how far he can dig with this. This is wild. Anything can happen. Joe DeRosa, your forehead identifies as a woman. Shut up, David. Your forehead got a BBL, bitch. Your forehead took a trip to Brazil for a BBL, nigga. Hold this for a second. What is that, bitch? Hold this. That's a regular-sized book, you fat fuck.

If you had butter, nigga, you'd go into prison for life, bitch. Oh, shit. All right, you guys save it. We got all night. We got all night. Hans, how do you feel? You did it again. How many wins is this? You defended your throne how many times? I'm 5-0. I defeated a gay, a Mexican, a woman, two retards.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I'm one trans person from an infinity stone. Hans Kim, you're a fucking legend. No better way to get the show started than with you. He's all over the world now. He's a global act.

That was Hans Kim. All right, now I pulled a name out of the bucket. Now, for those of you that don't know, this could be anybody, anything. We know those two people. We knew that was going to be good. This is where shit gets crazy. They only get 60 seconds, and then we talk to them afterwards. Make some noise for your first bucket poll of the night. Nathan McCauley, everybody. Nathan McCauley. Hello, hello. How's everybody doing tonight?

That's great. I was born February 29th, 1988. That means I'm like 35, but I'm turning nine next year, so I'm always acting my age. And the whole thing is, it actually goes into my adult life, you know? And I'm not trying to brag. It's more of a disclaimer to you ladies. But when you, especially when you, I'm not doing well with them, but when you go down and all of a sudden you hear, my brushes, oh my brushes, oh my brushes.

And she usually has the same response, so I have to put in more work and everything. But, you know, I can't help but thinking, dude, stand-up comedy is the same as a one-night stand, right? I don't want to be the only one putting in all this work and you just laying there like a dead fish, right? And so you got to think, what else can you do, right, to help improve? And I get stuck right there, and I really don't know.

And that's why they probably don't get a call back in the morning and probably I'm not going to be back here in the morning. But at least it was fun tonight, right? Fun for you, maybe. Nathan, did you sign up for the show or are you here like fixing the air conditioner or something right now? I feel like the way that act went and the way you're dressed, I feel like you're literally like, wait, I think if I just go out there, I could fucking make it right now.

- Okay. - There's something I need to vent, if you know what I mean. Enough with these air conditioners. I've got 60 seconds in me.

In my defense, okay, I got here and I was freaking out because I thought I was going to be late. So I came, like, I literally have power tools in my work truck. So I had, I was just moved here like two weeks ago. And so I was overheard by Austin, like Gainesville or whatever. And I had to drive all the way up to Troy to come all the way back down here. Yeah. Yeah.

He didn't... I got it. Joe DeRosa. He didn't even have the time to wash the cum off his shirt after he whacked off. Jesus Christ. It is a bunch of cock. We do have power tools. Were you crying? What? Were you crying? No, I'm high as hell, man. And I have ADHD, so I try to smoke a lot of weed to calm myself down because...

Your ass look like a newborn Frenchie boy, dog. Bitch, your ass. Get your black licorice braids out of here. Oh, shit. Actual racism, ladies and gentlemen. Things just got very exciting. Holy shit. Oh, shit. Your favorite sentence is, get the other end of that sofa, nigga. Wait, what?

'Cause he be lifting sofas. He working at a moving company. Actually, I did pest control. I had to move apartments and all sorts of stuff to do bed bug jobs and shit. -Oh. -Me and this big Samoan dude. -I can tell. -Yeah. Big boy jobs.

So I'm so confused, Nathan. Do you live here? What's going on? I just moved from Seattle, Washington. I was actually here May 6th when you saw me in the corner. You're like, where are you from? And I was like, Seattle, Washington. Dude, I do this all the time. What the fuck are you talking about? You're like, do you remember me? Didn't I leave an impression on you from the audience? All right, Nathan, let's talk about it. What do you do for fun? Like what makes you you when you're not out there controlling the pests?

No, I do construction right now. That's why I just moved here two weeks ago. And so a friend got me a job. I'm like, oh, well, you know what you're doing. I'm like, yeah, I can function as an adult, but I can't really act like an adult. So it's kind of... Jesus Christ, man. What do you do when you're not working?

What are you into? Nothing. I just watch TV. What type of posters do you have on your walls in your studio apartment? Nothing. Nothing? Nothing. Okay. I literally just chill in my room, watch TV, and just, yeah, go to work. I don't mean this to be rude. I didn't understand a word you were saying. I literally didn't understand one joke. What was the first joke? It was something about how you're actually nine years old.

Yeah, born February 29th, 1988. Oh, it was a leap year joke. Yeah. Okay. I was trying to do, okay, so I was trying to do a clean joke and then like. You know, leap year material always kills. And how you gonna do a clean joke with dirty clothes? Yo ass. Okay, so Nathan, what's your love life like?

Well, it was great up in Seattle and everything. Tell us about it. Why was it great up in Seattle? What was going on in Seattle? Just... I mean, I had plenty of girls talking.

talk to and hanging out and having fun. Where do you meet these girls? Where exactly do you meet and rape these women? Is it a train station? A parking lot? Where do you meet your victims? Or as you call them, love interest? You know, an Alice in Chains show. Seattle type shit. Okay, so let's talk about it, Nathan. What's your opening line when you go up to flirt with a girl? What do you say?

You're there. You're at a Nirvana concert in Seattle because that's totally still a thing. So Nirvana's playing. Okay, go up. You hear the muffled sound? That's because you're on the other side of the bar right now. Go ahead. Look David right in the eyes and say to him what you would say to a beautiful girl. Pretend like we're not here. Whoa, Jesus. Straight for the raping. Shut the fuck up. What would you say to the girl? Go ahead.

Hey, my name's Nathan McCauley. What's your name? Felicia. Felicia? Where'd you get that name from? My mama. Oh, she's already getting mad. That voice got deep, Felicia. Yeah, but you don't know where the roots came from, your name from? Not really. Why'd you have to bring up roots like that? What the fuck is going on? All right, I'm putting an end to this date. It's all right.

Okay. He can't fuck a bitch unless he put paint over her nose. That's the only time you've ever used the word thinner, David. Nathan, in your entire life, everything that you've ever done, non-comedy, just in life, what do you think the most interesting thing is about you? You've listened to the show before, right?

I actually had a whole... So you know how the interviews work? Yeah. So, like, what about you? This is your time. You're in it right now. That show that you watch, you're in it. Yeah, I know. I'm freaking the fuck out. I love it. For those of you just listening to the show, his eyes are so red, and he looks like he's literally working right now. And, like, he just got caught being high on the job.

I used to smoke 28 grams a day just to function. Yeah, dude, it's bad. You have no fucking clue. No, we have a pretty good fucking clue. Yeah, we actually do. We have somewhat of an idea, believe it or not. All right, Nathan. Well, here's a little joke book. Congratulations. You tried your best. There he goes. Nathan McCauley, everybody. I didn't really ask him anything about his stand-up, but he gives a shit.

Okay, you guys having fun out here, huh? Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian. Out of the bucket, it's Matt Rivas, everybody. What the fuck is up? How's everybody doing, man? How's everybody's year going? Good? Mine's going all right, man. I was gay for a few weeks. Hey, bro, I swear to God. It's not my fault, though, I swear. I was baited, you know? My girlfriend got me a bidet for Christmas.

That's what I'm saying, bro. Fuck my whole life up, dog. You know what I'm saying? I'd be lying to her and be like, hey, I'm going to go take a shower real quick. Next thing you know, I'm smoking a blunt on a bidet. 45 minutes later. Just going through Facebook and shit. I used to be just like y'all, though. You know what I mean? Real old school. Just like y'all, I swear. Real regular. Used to be face down, ass up in the shower when I got my dingleberries out. Real old school, you know?

Closest thing you used to know until today was taking that little shower head off the mount. Y'all know that shower head, ladies. Don't act like you don't. Take that bitch off the mount, put the... Yeah, lady. Put that bitch on a jet boat, go crazy. It was bad, though, man. I got carried away. Next thing you know, I got a shampoo bottle up my ass and shit. I'm like, what am I doing? Thank God for posting that clarity. You know what I'm saying? Nope. That's his time. There he is.

He was hitting the cat right then, if you're wondering why I interrupted a step for the first time ever. That works. Or hitting the, not the cat, the bear. Hello. How you doing? How's it going? Pretty good, man. How long you been doing stand-up? About a year and a half. All of it here in Austin? Yes, sir. Born and raised here. Ah, lovely. Yes, sir. Lovely. Absolutely. Is this true? Everything that you talked about, do you have a bidet now? A bidet? No. Actually, I found one. It was weird. It was like a fucking QT thing.

Yeah. What's that? It was an Indian QT. A quick trip? You found a bidet in a gas station? Yes. Yes, it was weird. But it was a West Texas gas station. You know how West Texas be. You go to West Texas, who knows what you might find. Of course, we all know how West Texas be. What part of Austin are you from to where you talk like that? You have that vernacular. Uh...

I was born here. I was raised in Pflugerville. Raised in Round Rock. Oh, okay. Yeah, exactly. Here's the dark prince of Pflugerville, Brian Redband. You can catch him late at night in drive-thrus all over the city. Oh, my God. In and out. No lines. No lines at the In-N-Out in Pflugerville. It's amazing what a 35-minute drive will do to your wait times. Yeah.

You're in and it takes a while and then you're out. Okay, let's talk about it, Matt Rivas. You've been doing comedy for a year and a half, all of it here in Austin. What do you do for work? You know, typical Uber driver. You might do Uber here and there, might sell you some weed. Who knows? Who knows? No questions asked. I'm like the military in the 90s and 80s and 70s and 80s and forever. What the fuck?

Don't ask, don't tell. God damn it. Okay. That was like a leap year joke. Did you see that? A don't ask, don't tell joke. We've had a don't ask, don't tell and a leap year joke for those of you with bad joke bingo cards out there. Bad premise bingo cards. Hey, we have a winner. I'll make some money. We all make some money. We've never heard that sound before. That's a good one. I don't think this is healthy.

for comedians to do this show. The nerves of the last two guys, they're trembling. Dude, are you alright? I'm good, bro. I just took a little mushroom. It's my bad. I microdosed. Oh, okay. That's how I started. How dare you insult the Mexican version of you. Right? Plant the roses. We all start with Ray-Bans like this. You're stepping on great jokes. Do you know that? While you ramble over there? Okay. Okay.

Go ahead. Take a breath. You're going to pick on your Mexican brother, plant the roses. I didn't get that till right now. I know, because he was fucking yippity yapping about driving a fucking Uber. That was very good. And also, I want to compliment you on the drive-thru line about Red Band. That was very good, too. Thank you so much.

You shouldn't take mushrooms before you go on stage. I know you young kids. Don't fucking back talk me. I'm trying to tell you something. I'm trying to give you advice. You fucking kids think because there's a dispenser every five feet that it's normal to live like that. It's not, dude. You're fucking weird, bro. Progressive. No, it's not progressive. It's called being fucked up all the time.

Yeah. This is the first time I've taken mushrooms in six months. Oh, wow. And right before your big break on stage. Yeah. You're like, when should I take it? I'm going to wait right before a million people see me. A lot of people like to go somewhere like in the wilderness or something. Not you. You're like, I'm going to go to YouTube.

I'm going to trip balls. How old are you? 23. 23 years old. You have any plans other than driving Uber? You're just waiting for the stand-up thing to take off or what? I mean, honestly, I tried school. I was in school for a long time. What were you studying? I was a business administration major. What did you learn there? What's like one cool thing that you learned in college? One cool thing I learned? I learned not to trust people.

That's what I learned. Yeah, dude. Yeah, that's what I learned. Because you go to college, they tell you to do all these things. And it gets you nowhere unless you know the right people. And the people I'm meeting in college are fucking hippies and drunks. You're on mushrooms. What do you think is the most interesting thing about you, Matt Rivas? Snuck into ACL three days in a row. That's my favorite thing about me. Yeah! Wow. Music festival. Yeah, no, we know. Who did you see when you snuck in?

First person I saw, I saw Miley Cyrus. Dude, you do not know how to do mushrooms the right way, man. It's amazing. Fucking sticking into Miley Cyrus. First person. I saw Red Hot Chili Peppers later. It was a great time. Okay. It was a great time. Made it up for it. Really? Even with them playing, it was still a great time? No, no, the lights. The lights made up for it. The lights. Yeah. Love it.

I was at that show. Tremendously disappointing. Before I let you go, I'm going to ask you again. What is this bidet like that you got from a gas station? I kind of went off topic faster than I should have. It's third world. Is it real? Are you making a joke or is it real? No, it's real. I've done a bidet. It's one of those ones you snap onto your toilet. It's like 40 bucks. It's a cheap one. They used to be a sponsor. You wish list it on Amazon. You get it in a day. You know?

David, do you have a bidet or do you use a fire extinguisher? Tony, you use a super soaker, bitch. Mr. Lucas, this is our top bidet. Or can we show you to this whale? Y'all niggas on tonight. Y'all let motherfucking Tiger Woods come on stage and change y'all look.

What are you, black and Mexican? Close, man. Hell no. Mexican and Japanese, just a little bit. Pinky's worse than Japanese. Wow. So why are you talking like a black person? Because that's where, they put all the black people and Mexican people in Pflugerville. That's why. Everybody that went to school is my color. That's why. It's true, actually. Mexican dad, Japanese mom? No, actually the Japanese, they're both Mexican, but the Japanese was like fucking four generations down. It's one guy. He fucking broke the seal. I don't know.

Jesus Christ. All right, Matt. Here you go. Here's a little joke book. Can you catch? Boom. Matt Rivas, everybody. There he goes. On to the next one. Yeah.

You know what? I think we need a little fucking, a little shot of adrenaline in this show. It's time to go to one of our regulars, everybody. One of our favorite new regulars, perhaps of all time. I mean, just an absolute fucking legend. Make some noise for him. Only two months as a Kill Tony regular, and he's already blowing up, selling out shows everywhere. Make some noise for the great Cam Patterson, everybody. A new minute. Wow.

Yeah, shut up bitch, I gotta talk now. My favorite social media app is Twitter. I know they changed that shit to X, but go with me, I wrote this shit when it was Twitter. Now, I like Twitter because that's the only place you can see people debate over their political beliefs and scroll down a little bit and see a girl with a butt plug in her ass. That's how I find out about all my news and shit, you know what I'm saying?

And that's how I found out about the rest of the Ukraine situation. Like, I didn't know what was going on. I was like, "Oh, this shit is crazy." And I scrolled, I was like, I see the girl getting nutted on two scrolls later. You know I like porn, but you can make up any type of name you want for a porno. I seen a porno up there. It was a porno called, it was, uh, "White Girl Gets Gang-Banged by Well-Hung Niggas Part 3." And I had to watch it because "White Girl Gets Gang-Banged by Well-Hung Niggas Part 1" was so good, they made two more.

That's my time. Cam motherfucking Patterson, doing it again. Talk to me. Another new minute, working beats. How's it going, my friend? Good, man. This shit fire, man. What? This shit fire. I'll translate everything he says. Tony, he said the show is good. He loves the audience. His experience on Kill Tony is very amazing. Here you go. You ready? I got you, Tony. Whatever.

- It makes sense. - Let me be camp translated, I got you. - Real talk, this shit really changed a real nigga life for real, you feel what I'm talking about? - So what he's saying is since he's became a regular on Kill Tony, more opportunities have opened up for him. He's been able to only go places he dreamed of. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - And white girls be sucking my dick, shit crazy. - What was that? - White girls tend to give him fellatio.

Now I know. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. He's very excited. Every hell yeah means he's very excited. Hell yeah. It's not a hell yeah, it's a hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. So hell yeah means they're very excited. You got to say it fast. Hell yeah. There you go. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Say it, white man, say it. That was wrong. That's it.

He look sad as shit, he finna kill me. That nigga, what?

Cam Patterson going this weekend to two of the biggest, I do believe, venues you've ever performed in in your life. You're doing an opening for me in a theater in San Antonio and then the world-famous Chicago Theater in Chicago. This is where your life is now. Only a few months after moving to Austin from Orlando, Florida. How does it feel knowing that you're going into a weekend like this? Man, that shit crazy. I'd be like, I'd just be thinking about it like, man, this shit like,

It's insane, bro. So every time he thinks about it, he can't really believe that what's happening is actually going on. It's actually unbelievable. It's unfathomable. I like that word. That's a good word, boy. Unfathomable. That's hard, nigga. Unfathomable. What was that? Unfathomable.

Yeah, yeah. I love it. Cam, what else is going on? What else is new? Actually, me and Cam, a lot of people don't know, and on the internet, they try to put niggas against each other, you know what I'm saying? But me and Cam are actually brothers. In the comedy industry, we're actually brothers. I mentor him, you know what I'm saying? Which one's the big one? What the fuck was that? I hate you.

I don't know why you had to make it. That doesn't make any sense. Me and Cam spent a lot of time together, man. And, you know, I just try to give him advice on where I think I went wrong when I was his age in comedy. And we went to go see Post Malone. Low carb diet. Hey, Cam, no men diet. Don't start twerking around men if you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, listen, he know how to twerk real good, like Megan Thee Stallion.

Joe DeRosa. I was going to do some of David's advice. Oh. It's probably not going to be funny now. Now it's definitely not going to be funny. No, I was going to say his advice was the McRib. They're going to say it's not coming back. It is. Take your time. You don't have to eat them all at once. Joe DeRosa, get your $5 foot long head ass up out here, boy. Hell yeah.

Talk to him, Tony. Talk to him. I know, he's drunk as shit. I knew this was going to happen. You want it toasted, head ass? Alright, David. Be careful, he was once young and promising on the Kill Tony show. So Cam, what else is going on? Tell us more. Can I tell you about the shirt?

Yeah, say it. What? Oh, yeah, we finna drive. White T, nigga, if you wanna look like me, like you be selling, like, drugs and shit like a real nigga like myself. You know what I'm saying? Cop a chill-toning white T, fuck nigga. Talk to him. It is happening. I don't know if you guys saw the post today, but the new Cam Patterson white T is out with the small red Kill Tony tag at the very, very bottom. And each shirt comes with a free rock. And I got some of these. So what's in these rocks?

- I love it when David gets this drunk. This is incredible. - Tony, you can shoot that rock out of your ass like a sniper bullet, bitch. - I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

That bitch will be in San Antonio in 30 seconds, nigga. Oh, shit. Tony merch is seat covers for the toilet, nigga. If you want to feel like me, guys, get this seat cover. Motherfucker got icy hot in there, nigga. Okay. All right.

Alright, David. Cam, what else? I got these gang violence slides I made. Talk to him. You don't talk about white niggas. Talk to me. Hell yeah, he get it. Gang violence slides are for sale if you want to purchase them.

Cam, another amazing performance. Thank you so much. As always. There he is. The shooting star, Cam Patterson. An absolute fucking wild, likable meteor of success. Thank you. The man. One more time for Cam Patterson, everybody. Come on.

He's so funny. He's so funny. Oh yeah, yeah. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Seth Chavez, everybody. We're going to meet him all together. Seth Chavez. Come on, make some noise for Seth, everybody. These people wait all night for this opportunity. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. I would first like to say that it is my birthday today.

It really is, everybody. 17 years old. Thank you very much. Okay, 29, but I know I look young. Anyways, I celebrated accordingly. I'm broke as fuck right now, so in the morning, I opened a can of Chef Boyardee. You know, some people...

They want the finer things in life, you know. I'm good with a can of Chef Bardi and some NyQuil, you know, to wake up in the morning. Really gets me going. I want to see the hat man before noon, you know. That's just how it goes. Flip on the Google. Look up an episode of iCarly fully clothed. Got to remember that part.

That 70s show... That 70s show fully clothed. Okay. Okay. Seth Chavez. Chavez? Chavez? How do you say it? It's up to artistic imperson... Whatever. How do you say it? Seth Chavez. Okay. How old are you in real life? I am 29 today. Okay.

Thank you. I don't believe you. I am, man. I know, I know. Are you on mushrooms also? I'm on an undisclosed amount of something. Seth, why did you change your name from Nathan for you? Okay, okay. All right, Seth, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

I've been doing it now, obviously, like 10 years. I'm asking you a real question. How long have you been doing it? I've been off and on. You haven't answered a single question yet. That's one of the most annoying things people can do on this show. Is it 10 years? When did you start? Where'd you start? El Paso. What year? I don't know. 10 years ago. Okay.

All right, Seth. Sorry. I'm going to try a little bit longer with you here, Seth. You with me? You're on a podcast right now, Seth. Yeah. Hell yeah. It's a real show, Seth. We got to fucking do some stuff here. Joe DeRosa. Seth, when your son Marty McFly traveled back in time...

Okay. Seth, what do you do for a living? I'm a barista. Where are you a barista? Hideout coffee shop downtown. 29-year-old barista. What is your exit strategy? I kind of just plan on doing my thing, and then I plan on being on Kill Tony, and then... What did you think was going to happen here? I thought somebody would love me. Okay. Okay.

All right. What's your love life like, Seth, when you're not looking through the binoculars of women's bedrooms? I have what I call a disability check pussy. Comes about once a month, you know, like, and it, what? What? Is that so wrong?

You know what's interesting about this show? A guy will come on stage and you'll start to feel bad for him because he's got a challenging life. And then he will say something so horrific. Yeah. Like disability check pussy. Yeah. And all your sympathy goes out the window. Right. It's incredible. He's so cocky. Can we cut that out? All right.

Okay. Seth, before I let you go, because you are one of the worst interviews in the history of the show, can you give us anything interesting about you? Something that we would find charming. If I may give a recommendation, I would use something from your real life that's real and not some lame thing that failed at an open mic in the past 10 years. Go ahead.

Your shot. Anything that you think the world would find interesting about you. Oh, I run an open mic in town? There he goes, everybody. Seth Chavez. There he goes. No joke, but not even a little joke, but for Seth Chavez. I will give you a pack of Zippix Energy B12 and caffeine toothpicks.

Because he needs them. Zippix, nicotine toothpicks. Zip more, smoke less. Tony. Yes, David Lucas. Did you see his face? I know. He said he was 29 and he had the skin of Dracula. Right. He moisturized with a cheese grater. It was bad. Bad.

Really bad. I forgot that we had something incredible in the chamber. Some of you may remember Cam Patterson's appearance from just a few weeks ago. We met his uncle for the first time from Florida. He has not been on the show since. Ladies and gentlemen, this is going to be a brand new minute from him. Instant, instant Kill Tony legend. This is just his second time on the show. This is a new minute from the great David Jolly, everybody. David motherfucking Jolly. Here he is.

Good night white people in Puerto Rico! Hell yeah, us as Americans, we got soft, man. Remember you can say some things like, this the meaning for it, but you're using it like this over here, you know what I mean? Like everybody in here got a cousin that's a little special. But you ain't gonna call my cousin an R word. I kick your ass you call my cousin an R word. You call him like Santa's little helper. Or like my grandmama used to say, the one with the face.

But now I got a homeboy. I got a homeboy been with the same girl 20 years. They got 10 kids together. He just found out five of them kids ain't his and they still together. Now that nigga retarded. What's going on? Hell yeah. What up, J.D.?

TAC, what happened? My man. Make some noise for David Jolly again, everybody. Gang violence. Gang violence, bitch. I'm going to have to translate again, Tony. I got you. Yeah, yeah. You talk to, look at me and talk to me, then I'll tell him. Okay, all right. You talk to me and he'll translate it. Go ahead. Shit, boy, I'm happy than a bitch to be here with y'all good white folks out here on this Monday night, ain't I?

Wait, can I take a guess? He's appreciative that white people enjoy his comedy, and he's happy to be at Kill Tony on this Monday. Hell yeah. It's a good day. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

I believe that was a yes. Yeah, yeah. David Jolly, I love your fucking style, man. You have such good material. Your jokes hit so hard. I love how you did 51 seconds and ended with a strong punchline and just grabbed the mic stand. You have so much fucking swagger. How long have you been doing stand-up? Seven years. Seven years. And just a reminder, the last guy supposedly has been doing it ten years, everybody. It's...

Amazing the different work ethics that you see and natural ability. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, this is all I do. I do this shit every day. You know what I'm saying? I work my fucking muscle. You know what I mean? David? I'm out there big grinding. I'm a regular at this shit, so you might catch me on a Friday, Saturday night. You know what I'm talking about? We did a gear together the other day. You feel me? David Lucas. So what he said is...

Shit! All he do is go to work and come and do comedy when he get off from work. He now gets a lot of spots at the Mothership and that you and him did a show the other night but you probably don't remember it. That's true.

Because you was late on, you know what I'm talking about? You had a good-ass 15-minute little razzle-dazzle, you know what I mean? I had a little 10-sweet and scat, you know what I'm talking about? Holy shit. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. I don't even want that. I want the mystery of that to exist in my head. I don't want to know what that meant. Yeah, yeah. I did the razzle-dazzle, you did the skeet and scat. Well, see...

See, I had another little spot I had to be at. I had one up early. I was going to scoot back through, but I had one up late over there. I think you was like a 12, 20 or something. You probably did 45 on their head though anyway. No doubt about it. I know what that means. When it's about stand-up, I know exactly what it is. I think he's just naming Burt Kreischer specials at this point. Yeah.

Hell yeah, hell yeah, hell yeah. David Jolly, an absolute fucking force to be reckoned with. I'm sober now, too. You see that? That was the next question coming out of my mouth. I had to take this shit serious. I wasn't finna move down here getting drunk, you feel me? This is a really, and it is...

Unbelievable to see. Hey, I can't lie. I'm fucking good at this shit, man. Yep. I'm fucking good at it. You know what I mean? For real. I love it. David, this is your future. Look at it. That's your future. White people. White women. I'm going to fuck me a white girl before I leave this week. Oh, shit. I mean, I'm here, though. But before the end of the week, I'm going to stick this whole goddamn wood in a white woman.

It's going to be the best 30 seconds of our life. So what he's saying is... Hold on, hold on. Let's check in with Joe DeRosa. I was just saying, do you see what I mean? How somebody says an endearing thing and then they follow it with the worst thing that's ever been said. He's like, I'm good at this. I'm sober. I'm going to fuck a white woman. Hey, that's what you made. Fucking cock. That's what you made. Right, buddy. That's what you made. We were happy for you. Any of y'all white women trying to make $40 a night?

Oh shit. Raise your hand. Oh my goodness. Alright, fuck it. Don't worry about it. It's cool with me. And you pay him. I got them hot ass 40's. Oh shit, JD. I got them hot ass 40's. 60? Because a fucking eighth was like $35. Alright, never mind. It's cool.

This shit is high as hell in Austin. Yeah. You're talking about pussy or weed? Yeah, buying pussy. We were talking about both of them right there. Do you buy pussy? Sometimes. There's $40 pussy? Hell yeah. This is like finding out there's a fucking bidet in a gas station. I'm like, what? They sell $40 pussy? What kind of pussy is this for $40? And do you need a coupon to get it done? You have to cut it out? It's an amazing dating site called List Crawler.

David, can you translate that? Kind of like Backpage a little bit. That bitch fine too now. Can't compute. Too black for me.

Nigga, I was lost the last 25 seconds. List crawler? I don't want no bitch on list crawler. That's a tricking site. I love this. I love this. Nah, I don't go on there. I'm just fucking with you. Because I got a girlfriend. This shit national television. This bitch might watch this shit one time. Bitch, how you know I killed Tony? National television. Tony, you know what that translates to? I killed Tony, bitch. You know what that translates to? What?

He doesn't want to make himself seem like he's fucking other hoes because the girl he's staying with pays majority of the rent. You got it. God damn it, boy. You good at this shit, boy. You good at this shit, boy. What David's doing is like if T.I. did A.I. Yeah, basically. Basically. Basically the same shit. You know what I'm talking about? I love it. Yeah, yeah. I love it. So, David, that girl...

That girlfriend of yours, is that the one that we learned the last time you were on Sucks Your Dick From Behind? She has did that. She has did that? That's only on birthdays and Christmas and Thanksgiving and all Jewish holidays. I would not want to be there on Thanksgiving. That's crazy. She ain't Jewish, but she get nasty as hell on Jewish holidays. I don't know what that's about.

- I don't know why, I'd be like, "Bitch, do your thing. "I wear a little yarmulke and everything." - Damn. - We get nasty in that motherfucker, you hear me? - You Rosh Hashanah during Rosh Hashanah? - I don't know what that means, but I know she got the little hat. - Nobody knows what it means. - She put the little hat on me and sucked me from the back. I'd be like, "Jesus Christ. "Ain't God good, you bitch, you?" - Oh my God. - I'm just saying, bro.

Is there something that you, what do you look at if the girl is sucking it from behind? Like, do you find a point to look at? Is it like a ceiling fan? Is it low? Is it mid? Is it TV? It's not an all the time thing. Yeah, but which way do you face? What do you find yourself looking at when you're getting your dick sucked from behind? I do just like that. And I toot it in her face a little bit. Tell her to come to them nuts, bitch. Bitch, get them nuts.

Don't leave them nuts out there like that. Bitch, get them nuts. You selfish bitch. Them nuts cold out there by their goddamn self. Grab them nuts, baby girl.

Holy shit. Game violence, bitch. Holy shit. This is fun. If I was vomiting, I was just going to get butt naked after this, bitch. Boy, y'all going to see both of them inches today, bitch. Like, this nigga got nuts on nuts. I don't know nuts on... All right, all right.

Is that true? Is that what you're saying? You're mostly nuts down there? Yeah, I got old nigga nuts. I'm over 40. Them nuts sit down low, baby. I can't wait till I get 60 so I can sit down like this and I have that little round thing. I'm going to sit them nuts right to the side when them little young hoes look.

They gonna know it's game time, bitch. - Oh my goodness. - Where you wear them Easter suits, Sunday pants all the time. That shit be tight as hell right there. I'm gonna have one nut over here, one right here, bitch. - Yeah. - And I'm gonna have that little dick sitting right on my stomach so they know that, they see that whole setup right there.

What the fuck is happening right now? It's beautiful. It's just a one-man show. I love it. It's all about David's nuts. It's called I Can't Breathe. Yeah, hey. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Hell yeah, hell yeah. Hell yeah. Appreciate that, Red Bear. Appreciate that, Red Bear. David, you're a fucking legend. Anything else for the great David Jolly, David Lucas? Mm-hmm.

Yo, bro. When I started comedy, this is the type of comedy I was around when I was in Georgia and Florida. So you know what I'm saying? This shit be hilarious to me. And I'm glad that it's finally transferring over to the other side and people get to see it. We hit that, bitch. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? David Lucas, have you ever had a girl suck it from behind?

Is that possible with your type of cheek situation? Oh, God. Did she just have her go-go gadget lips? I can't imagine what's going on back there. Tony, when you got a bitch from behind, you want her to do something else.

butt fuck me. Exactly. I know where you're going with this. Where's that strap on? All right. David Jolly, you're the man. Appreciate it, man. How loud can this place get for David Jolly? People like this moving here. Real natural talents. Getting sober. For those of you that don't know, he's just as funny as he was last time, just blatantly less drunk. It's always fun watching people make sacrifices to be able to

Do their art. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian. Straight out of the bucket. Anything can happen. His name is Luke Smith, everyone. Luke Smith. Here we go. Make some noise for Luke, everybody. What's up, guys? Do I just take off? All right. I'd like everyone to applaud for this because it means a whole lot to me. I recently got over my gambling addiction. Thank you very much. It means a lot. Yeah.

Stopped gambling and I finally started using condoms. That one takes some people a while. It has to linger for a little bit, bit of a slow burn. I would know about burns that linger. That's why I use condoms now. Big fan of No Hands by Waka. I don't know if y'all know that, but it starts off like, listen to this track, bitch. It's a perfect intro to a song. So much so, should go before every song. For instance...

Listen to this track, bitch! Hello, it's me. Listen to this track, bitch! She's out of my life. Listen to this track, bitch! Baby, lock the door and turn the lights down low. Do I still have time? So I was hitting a dude from behind the other day, and then I remembered, wait, I'm not fucking gay. Okay, that's my time. Okay, all right.

Luke Smith with 60 seconds. Good 60 seconds. And then At The Cat decided to do one weird half-not joke. How you doing, buddy? I don't know. I'll tell you when I'm sober. What's going on with you? What's happening? What'd you do? No, I'm just really nervous. What do you mean sober? I had like two shots earlier, but... What'd you have shots of? I had Vegas bombs. Okay. All right. All right.

And why'd you do that if you knew that you had a chance of going up and being on a big-time show? I mean...

It's mostly the nerves that are getting me right now. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About a year. Where at? In Dallas. I'm from the Dallas area. I work at the Addison Improv as a box and door guy. Okay. That's what I do. All right. Were you there when I was there a few months ago? I was. I was. It was William Montgomery, Hans, and then you. Uh-huh. Yeah. It was great. Anything you want to say? I enjoyed it. You're goddamn motherfucking right you enjoyed it. Yeah.

All right. So let's talk about it, Luke. What else do you do when you're not doing stand-up comedy? What else are you into? My first love is music. I play guitar. I play bass. Nice one, by the way. Aside from that, I guess... How long have you played music for? I mean, I've been singing my whole life. Really? Yeah. You sing and play guitar at the same time? Sometimes. Sometimes.

You think you could do it right now with all the nerves running through you and two Vegas bombs running through your cold, icy veins? Maybe. You think so? Matt Muehling, what do you think? I'm so curious. Matt's curious. Let's fucking do it, everybody. Luke Smith, nervous. Two Vegas bombs in. How do we get that?

I usually play acoustic. Here it comes. Luke, come get the guitar, you faggot. Come here. Hey, I just want to say I'm used to a 12 string, but I'll settle for six. Shut the fuck up, dude. You better play your goddamn fucking heart out. Or else I'm going to make you vomit up Vegas bombs after this. We having fun out here?

Here's Luke Smith making his Kill Tony music debut live without any warning and with an electric guitar. Let me know if y'all know this one. What happened? Okay, good enough for me. Did it turn off? What? Oh. Okay. Unmute it. Okay.

All right, sing and play. This is it. You're doing it, dude. No one wants to hear you fucking do your little fucking bedroom riffs. Baby, lock the door and turn the lights down low. Whatever. I'm not that impressed. D-Madness, are you impressed? No! Fuck. Fuck.

Tony, I feel something. We should give him another. I was looking at him. His hands were shaking. I think he needs to take a deep breath and give us your best. Do your real voice. Don't do that fucking fake. Everybody can sound like this. Everybody can do that. Come on.

Let it fucking rip. I don't care if he's nervous. He sounds like RFK Jr. at a karaoke bar. I don't give a fuck. I'm not going to make believe and pretend like it's good. We're in the live music capital in the world. You're not in Dallas anymore, bitch. Let's go. Joe DeRosa. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Can we please... This guy is following the hardest thing ever that he would ever have to follow. The hardest thing ever

What just happened before you, it destroyed. You're talking about David Jolly talking about getting his dick sucked from behind? From behind. And how he was going to fuck a white bitch this week. Right. Yes, that's what I'm talking about. You should do a song about that. No, but I'm saying. I'm getting my dick sucked from behind. But no, but I'm saying, this is an incredibly, I agree with David is what I'm saying. He's in an incredibly hard position right now. He's shaking his,

I love it. They could sign up. He could come back again. I know. Luke, do you think you have something better in you right now? Do you think you can fucking play a better song than what you just tried? You think you can let it rip real quick? Here he is. Come on, one more time. Luke Smith with a fucking song. You're in Austin. Live at Kill Tony. Play the song. Play the fucking song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play the song. Play

Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Luke. That's what I'm talking about. That was fucking fantastic. It was real. That was fucking terrible. God damn it. I put my neck out for you just now. Same here. I don't have a neck and I put it out. Blackbird singing in the dead of night.

Take these broken away. I'm kidding. It was fantastic. And it felt authentic. It felt real that time. I love it. But Tony, we gave this nigga a second chance and he sang a suicide song. Yeah. Who slit they wrists when this nigga started playing that guitar? I love it. Do you get a lot of pussy playing music like that, Luke? Zero. I got an open schedule, man. Oh, okay.

Have you ever kissed a girl in Austin, Texas? In Austin? No. Really? No? Is there a girl out there that wants to come up and give Luke Smith a kiss? I don't know. It's a weird request, but it's something that we do on this show. Maybe there's a good... Really? You right there? Come on up here. Oh, hell yeah. This way. She's leaving. She's going to the restaurant. That way. And then that way. Towards where the show is.

Oh shit, Luke Smith playing songs and now, playing live music in Austin, Texas. His first Austin kiss, is it possible? Oh my god, whoa! That was a real one. Wow. - That was awesome. - That was incredible.

Oh my goodness. Sweetheart, jump up there. What's your name? Hi, my name is Melina. Melina? It's Melina. Melina. Okay. Wow. What made you come up and do that? Are you a fan of the show? This ain't my first time. Whoa. You've kissed a boy on the show before? Is that true? It is. Early Hans Kim? No. It was another guy? Yes.

I was Monkeypox Girl. Monkeypox Girl. It was a British guy. It was the British guy. God, I can never remember anything. I have a recycling system and I don't remember the episodes so that I could stay present in the new one. But it sounds hilarious. You made out with Monkeypox Guy? I was Monkeypox Girl. Okay. Okay.

Wow. Was it fun? Was everybody laughing? Who knows? Okie dokie. Worst answer possible. People are retarded tonight, for those of you wondering. It's kind of amazing. Are you vaccinated? Just out of curiosity. Yeah. Two? Three? Two. I fucking knew it. I can tell. I can like smell it on people now. I couldn't tell you whether or not they laughed that night. That's a fucking booster right there.

I'm telling you, I've been doing these roadshows. I was just in Toronto where everybody's like three or four times back. There's people like three, five seconds behind jokes and shit. It's hilarious. I am. It's like, oh, I'll get it. Okay, it's amazing. So what's your name again? Melina. What do you do for work? I'm a chemist and also an EMT and firefighter. A chemist, an EMT, and a firefighter. Holy shit. Thank you.

Look at you. That's incredible. That's three jobs where you have to save people, which means people are dying on her watch because she's at the other job. They're like, what happened to the heart attack guy? He died. She's like, I was fighting a fire. I'm sorry. The children burned alive. Where were you? I had a fucking cardiac arrest on the south side. That's where I was.

There's a way to work chemists into it? Can't think of it at the moment. I was about to do that for you, but okay. All right. Wow. So it's so interesting that you're willing to jump on stage, Melina, and kiss boys on this show. This is your second time doing it? Second time. So tell us more about your sex life. It seems like you would be very adventurous. I think? Yeah, yeah. I can't share my secrets.

I can't share my secrets. Sure you can. Come on, have some fun. Give us something crazy. What's a wild night in the life of Melina? You ever do the funky old Melina? Oh no. Come on, tell us something, Melina. Like the suck it from behind thing? Wait, have you sucked it from behind?

Should I let people guess? No. That's a resounding yes. Oh, God. She had, bro. It was the Moderna. It was the Moderna. She looks strong. She'll pick the band up and put it where she want to suck the dick at. There it is. She does.

I don't like the way it's in this corner. She has that fucking Ronda Rousey energy. Oh. UFC, HPV, all of it, dude. I fucking see it in you. Absolutely. Okay, so give us something crazy. You're willing to come up and make out with guys. That means you probably have a very loose sex life. Am I correct? That's kind of rude. Answer questions.

Okay, there you go. There she goes. Melina, everybody. Very fun. Very good. Only here for the kisses, I guess. Not really willing to be part of the show. Fun. Sometimes it works. Sometimes a girl like that will tell you that they stormed the Capitol on January 6th. You never know what you're going to get asking questions. I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid. Oh, there he goes, everybody. I forgot he was up here. There he is. Luke Smith, everyone. Luke, Luke, come here. Luke. Luke.

Here's a big joke book. Take a gel blaster. And here, here's some Zippix toothpicks so that you can relax a little bit. Amazing. Nicotine toothpicks. Am I right, Red Bam? I love them. We love them. We really do. They're unbelievable on the fucking airplanes and shit. Hotels. Can't smoke in the hotel. Zippix. Go to Zippix.com. Um...

Pulled one last name out of the bucket. We got lucky because I needed to find a female and I pulled one out on the first pick. So our first female comedian of the night. Sound good, huh? 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Kelly McKierney, everybody. Kelly McKierney, here we go. What up? What's up, Austin?

I'm visiting. I've been doing a lot of touristy shit. I went to the Cathedral of Junk today, which is really funny, because that's what I call my pussy. What's up? Hey! You guys think if I rename my vagina Xbox, more guys will play with it? Here's your call of duty, okay? Put your first-person shooter into my first-person cooter. We'll see how many kills you get.

I don't play games. I had to Google that. I call it the Googs. It's fun. I don't know. I'm so single. How single are you? Oh my God, thank you so much. I'm so single. I miss the feeling of warm jizz on my naked chest. Too much? Too much? So now I just pour soup onto it. Is that better? Bonus point. Soup tastes better? Okay.

Okay. How about this? I know I look like a basic white bitch. There you go. All the time you could possibly have. Kelly McKierney. McInerney like Bert and Ernie. Sorry to... What? It's McInerney like Bert and Ernie. McInerney. McInerney. That's it. Okay. Hey. There you go. Hi. How long you been doing stand-up? Like 10 years. 10 years? Wow, we've heard this before. Um...

Sorry, Los Angeles. It's incredible how the 10 years people are... Visiting, though. That's why. I don't know. Visiting from where? Los Angeles. Los Angeles. That's right. You're Britney Spears' crazier stunt woman. Watch out. Okay. I'll do whatever. I'm a yes man, baby.

Yeah, I'm with you, Dee. I wish I could plug my ears and my eyes right now. It is wild. Is it too gross? I was like, man, people like gross stuff. I was going to do dead dad jokes instead. That's my thing. Jizz or dead dad. Okay, Kelly, let's talk about it. Ten years. Where at?

Los Angeles. All in L.A. for 10 years? Well, I bounce around. You know, I... Those are the only things bouncing around connected to you. I know. That is a... Got a face of a Nazi, but a chest of a Holocaust victim. Okay. That's... Trying. That's a good one. I like that one. Good? Cool. I like that one.

I like that. Okay. Sorry if I was too much. We're not even talking about your set anymore. Okay, cool. What do you do for a living in Los Angeles? How do you make money? I'm a copywriter for an ad agency. That's a thing? Yeah. You also work on the railroad or anything like that? Or sell newspapers? Not yet. Copywriter. If you need something copyrighted, here we go.

Did you ever think of copying some good jokes? Yeah. God damn it. Would that not hit? Sure. What'd you do? Would you do a leap year joke? No, I said, did you ever think of copying some good jokes? I think that was funny. I think she did. Oh, all right. I liked it. I liked the joke. It was good. I was just kidding. It was good. Kelly, how's it going out there? L.A. is a tough place to be doing comedy, even though a lot of unfunny people are absolutely thriving there right now. How's it going for you?

Well, not good because I'm kind of funny sometimes. Spoiler alert. I know. I don't know. So that's why I'm here. That's why I'm here. You talk like you're pushing out a poop. Do you know that? I don't know. I'm kind of funny sometimes. I haven't pooped at all today, actually. There you go. So that's probably why. Maybe you're full of shit. Close the thing to where I said poop.

The closest thing I've actually seen to a dick was the shit I took yesterday. You look like if Naomi Watts fell down. Yeah. Okay. Like, Naomi Watts happened to me. Just give me her money and I'll be cool with that shit. And her husband. I'll be cool with that shit. Shit. Yeah, I made that one myself. It's an organic fart noise.

Kelly, what do you do for fun? What are you into? What do I do for fun? Yeah, some hobbies or something like that, other than stand-up comedy. I like to travel a lot. That's why I've been doing it for 10 years. I have a fucking life kind of deal. You know, I travel when I get money, so that's why. Tell us more. Where have you been traveling? Did you just start a fire in Hawaii and then come here? Yeah, actually, I just left Hawaii. Yeah, you seem like you would start fires. Yeah, but...

Right? No? Nope. Was that sound it freezing? Was that your one licked finger freezing on your cold ass? Yeah, I got a cold puss too. Wow, is that true? I don't know. Nobody knows. Can somebody tell me?

Oh my goodness. David Lucas, what do you think about this? Kelly McInerney. This bitch got dumpster diver pussy. That bitch. I'm from New Jersey originally, so it makes sense. You just look dirty, bitch. I don't know what the fuck. I don't trust you. Okay. To be fair, I don't trust you either. Whoa. Racist.

I'm not a Karen, I'm a Kelly. It's too close, but you know. You got the titties of an R. Kelly victim. Yeah, he likes it when the piss runs straight down.

to the shoes. I don't trust this bitch with that motherfucking handkerchief ass tank top you got on. That is a very, very chintzy, almost childlike tank top. Why are you wearing that? It looks like a Fruit Stripes gum wrapper. I was trying to fit in to the Austin ladies. I was trying to look like a lady.

You're dressed like you stole clothing off of somebody else's clothing line. I do steal a lot from Target, so that tracks. Oh, then you and David have more in common than we thought. That's incredible. You need some bath bombs or tampons? That tank top look like a handkerchief that a white man wipe his forehead before he buy a slave. Ooh, this nigga cost $1,300. Ooh, shit.

Jesus, that's not... Incredible. Kelly, what else? Tell us more about you. I don't know. Yeah, I'm visiting. Here's a fun fact. I used to be a clown on the weekend, so I know how to twist balloons. Is that dumb? Do you have any balloons on you? I don't, so it's a dumb thing. Anybody have a condom, perhaps, or something we can... Could make it a giraffe. Yeah, well... I can't blow it up, though. That's my problem. Kill Tony fans don't use condoms, unfortunately, so...

Everybody knows that. We don't allow them. Two things we lock up are phones and condoms. Kelly, what's your wildest thing that's ever happened to you being in sexual relations with a man? We didn't get an answer out of the random girl that comes up and kisses guys but won't talk about things. How about you? You seem like you've been in the entertainment business for 10 years. I don't know if you can tell. I'm very much like a dead fish during having sex. Like that, I don't move.

Closest thing is like I fucked on my period once at a hotel, left it like a murder scene.

Wow. Oh, boy. Ten years in the game, everybody. Kelly, Mac, and Ernie. My goodness gracious. I'm not fu- It's not me. It's the people. Okay, yes. It's the crowd. You're right. It's the crowd. No, the people. The men I'm fucking, I'm saying. They don't want to do anything fun. The last guy I dated didn't want to fuck in a jacuzzi. He didn't like the water. I'm like, isn't that the whole point of fucking? It's like a water sport? It's all about the juices. Anyways. Like,

Are you Eileen Wuornos? I can't. That's a great reference. The people on YouTube are going to love that. I'm not gay. Maybe you're right. Maybe it is the crowd. I'm not gay. Here's a little joke bug.

Here you go. It's coming at you. You ready? Here we go. Thank you. Oh, Jesus Christ. Sorry that I went too hard with the pussy things. It wasn't. It wasn't that. It wasn't that at all. It wasn't that. It was the premises, the writing, the delivery, and then the interview. That's all it was. That's all. It's okay. Maybe next time. Kelly McInerney, everybody.

Some people do it. Some people don't. For some people, it's easy. For some people, it's not. Some people are naturally talented. Some people work at it. Your final comedian of the night is all of those things at once. An absolute fucking force. The record holder for most appearances on this show. Most interviews on this show. The...

Hall of Famer of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, the Big Red Machine, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. Lights out, William Montgomery, everybody. How's it going? Weirdly enough, I also call my pussy the Cathedral of Junk, so that's...

You want the good news or the bad news? The bad news. The bad news is that I don't have a credit score. The good news is that I don't have a credit score. So if I apply for a loan and they can't find me in the system, I say just hit control alt delete several times until they get flustered and approve financing for a hot tub. I'm getting a hot tub.

They say Tommy was a pinball wizard despite being deaf, dumb, and blind. Yeah, well, he had two arms. Come on. If you think you know a one-armed pinball wizard, you don't know pinball. What is going on with America right now? The Super Bowl dropped Lizzo. It measured 7.8 on the Richter scale. laughter laughter

Yeah, it looks like Lizzo is in trouble. I guess we can all quit pretending that morbid obesity is a good thing. Okay, that's my turn. Unbelievable. A new minute. More new minutes than anybody ever in the history of the show. Time after time after time, an established delivery system that he keeps sharp.

How you doing, William Montgomery? I am doing really good. It was so much fun in Toronto. What is already going on with this fucking idiot? He's laughing. Go ahead. But yeah, no, it was really fun being in Toronto with you and also Detroit. It was so much fun. I realized in Toronto, it's all in Celsius, the temperature. So I put my...

on 70 degrees Celsius in the hotel room, and it's not the same as Fahrenheit. It got like to 160 or something. It was so, so hot. It was indeed William's first time outside of the United States.

What else in Toronto that is incredible that you thought Celsius and Fahrenheit were the same? What does that translate to? What is 70 degrees? That's like 100 and almost 200, I think. Yeah, it was probably about almost 200. I couldn't stop sweating when I walked back in after the show. I mean, it was hot as shit. David was in there briefly. Yeah. David is a sweaty room Beetlejuice. He just pops up everywhere. There's a...

All right. Anyway, so what else about Toronto and Detroit? William is out there doing these theaters with me. They are indeed the largest venues you've ever done in your entire life. How does it feel up there? What's different? Explain to the people. It feels good. I mean, I'll be honest with you all. I've gotten very used to a crowd around this size when it's literally...

five thousand ten thousand people. I freeze up up there. Tony has been so sweet to let me continue to do this, but it's turning into a disaster for me whenever it's about

5,000 to 10,000 fucking people. I just can't help but freeze up up there. I mean, I'm trying to have the set of my life up there every fucking time, but I can't do it. I mean, 5,000 to 10,000 people is... Well, I lock up phones at all these shows, so maybe you could show the people, like, you could do one of your normal jokes, and you could show the people, like, what it's like for them up there. So picture William. He's in the middle of his set. He's in front of 5,000 or 10,000 people, and here he is.

William Montgomery, this is what it's like. Picture the 5 or 10,000 people so that you naturally freeze up. This is what he does in theaters. So he's got a big joke, there's a big laugh. Everybody laugh! That's what I do. I literally just freeze up. Tony's been so sweet. Let me do it. Yeah, I can. Improv guru, William Montgomery. Just did nothing. I guess that counts as freezing up. I love it. Yeah, I was freezing up. I'm so sorry. It won't happen again, Tony. I like it.

Okay. All right. You were right about this guy right here. Yeah, I'm getting really weird vibes from him already. How many beers? What, have you had eight beers down there? What is going on? Yeah, that is a lot of Modellos for a little tiny fellow like you. This little soft taco we got right here. Look at this guy. Okay.

All right, William, what else is going on in the world? Tell us more. I actually, I bought off of eBay. I've still been buying shit off eBay. I bought a collector's edition 1972 Ouija board and I got it out literally last night trying to contact some of the spirit entities in my apartment. And Tony, I'm horrified to tell you I've opened up a portal, I think, in my fucking apartment.

Describe it more. What happened exactly? I mean, I'm a lot of the time still opening up my butthole in the mirror, looking at my hemorrhoids, and there will be another hand that gets on one side of my butt cheek so I can loosen up this one hand in my asshole. Somebody's holding open my asshole in the bathroom. I don't know who it is. I've opened up a fucking portal to hell. They're fucking with my butthole. I mean, I don't even know what's going on.

Do they suck it from the back? Yes. They wear a yarmulke. They suck it from the back. You know, I bought one of those Ouija boards, too, and the one thing I couldn't resurrect was my career. Don't say that. You're in the second Herbie the Love Bug movie, man. Things are looking up. Stop, Jodorowska. You know, folks, showbiz is tough. He was in Herbie the Love Bug fully loaded, y'all.

I was in Bert Kreischer Fully Loaded, the sequel. He was in Bert. He had sex with Lindsay Lohan. Didn't you? With Bert Kreischer. With Bert Kreischer. The three of us. The four of us. The four of us. David was there.

Okey-dokey. William, I want to find out more about this portal that you opened up. You look in the mirror, and what happens exactly? So I'm looking. The man wipes, Tony, you're going to be happy to know I have been wiping my butthole a little bit. I'm still not doing it every time, but I'm wiping my butthole a little bit now. But yeah, I just literally lean over, and I just hold open my butthole, just looking at this thing. It's the size of a small grape, finally. It's a little better than it was. But yeah, I just open it up, and then a hand...

comes in the picture, comes in the mirror, and it just holds open my butthole, and then I can move around with my other hand, and things are... When you're looking at yourself in the mirror, what are you hearing at the time? What does it sound like? Red Band, turn it off, you fucking idiot! I'm having a really hard time up here tonight for some reason. Red Band, turn it off! Red Band! Red Band!

Turn it off, dude. Who even fucking is that? That guy doesn't even look like me. I don't know why... Literally every Kill Tony fan has sent us and tagged us in these things saying, look, we found hillbilly William Montgomery. Yeah, I don't get it. I looked...

I look so much better than that piece of shit! This guy went super, super viral this week. He looks just like you, and somehow he got more famous than you in one week. How does that make you feel? It makes me feel like shit!

Especially after a nightmare set tonight. Because I'm literally living a nightmare in my apartment right now. How do you think I got these curls in my hair tonight? It's from the portable. They're curling my hair too. How does it make you feel when Red Band plays that music? It makes me feel like I literally want to fucking find you in the fucking alleyway tonight, Red Band, and kiss you.

What a twist. I've been being really mean recently. Red Band, we need to make the guy and the girl kiss. Can we kiss? Wow. Wow. Come on, you pussy! Red Band, what are you doing? Nobody sent you this guy? You don't know who that guy is? I'm off the internet, Tony!

I'm literally off the internet now. Your Wi-Fi went out when the portal opened? My Wi-Fi went out when the portal went open, but whatever. You live and you learn.

William, we and I'm just going to say it for everybody. Everybody fucking loves you. You are a monster. It is unbelievable. It's been fun, Cody. A lot of people, they fucking run out of minutes. They think that it's a thing where you have to fucking. Yeah, this isn't a game. Yes. You think you can do this? You couldn't, bitch. You're goddamn right. No.

No fucking way, you bitch. I completely agree with him. Nobody else has done it and nobody can do it the way that you fucking do it. One more time for the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. And that is an episode of Kill Tony brought to you by Gel Blaster, The Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Firm, connectmobilehealth.com.

Kill Tony, 10% for your IV drip. Save 10%. CM Smokehouse, Bones Eye, and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, which presents the Kill Tony Band, ladies and gentlemen. That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

D Madness on the bass. Make some noise. John Dees on the keys. Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. How loud can this place get for my guests? Joe DeRosa and David Lucas. Did you guys have fucking fun tonight? Thank you for coming out. Exclusive Kill Tony merch available on your way out. An unbelievable painting of Joe DeRosa and David Lucas. Oh, and

Oh, and here's art from the great Chris Rogers, everybody. Local artist drew this. Wow. That is beautiful. Hit him up on Instagram if you want to try to purchase it. Guys, check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. Sunsetstripatx.com. I love you. Woo!

Check me out on tour. It's a big one. Theaters all around the world. Anything else you guys want to plug? Joe DeRosa. Joey Roses. Yeah, I have a huge tour in the fall starting in Avanon, New Jersey in September. I'm doing tons of dates all the way through the winter. Toronto, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Denver, Salt Lake City. Tons of places. Go to JoeDeRosa.com for tickets and show information. Please come out. I want to see you out there. David Lucas.

Hey, what's up, y'all? September the 9th. I'm in Pottstown, Pennsylvania at Soul Joe's, October the 12th through the 14th. I'm in Tacoma, Washington at Tacoma Comedy Club. Get tickets at davidlucascomedy.com. I love all of y'all. Thank y'all so much, man. We did it again, everybody. Thank you guys so much. Thank you locals here in Austin for coming out. Incredible. What a turnout. A little dog yesterday.

Yesterday I got a sweet little dog Yesterday I got a sweet little dog Yesterday

One more time for the top. I got a sweet little doll yesterday, yesterday. I got, yesterday, tonight. I got a sweet little doll yesterday, yesterday.

*music*