You Can't Coach Stupid
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I've had it is sponsored by Peloton. So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. I mean, that was really one of my best, I think. For sure. Yeah. You're honing your craft. I am. I'm just getting better. Yes. Aging like a fine wine. There's no question about it. Pumps, what have you had it with?

What I've had it with is funerals, not funerals themselves, but I've gone to a lot lately where the officiant does not know the person and tries to act like they know the person, which makes it all the more obvious they don't know the person. So that's one, funeral officiants that don't know the person. Number two is reading the obituary at the funeral.

We've all read the obituary. Hence, we're at the funeral because that's the last thing in any obituary. And then the third one is the people that get up there and grandstand about the person, which I appreciate that they want to have a thoughtful, you know, a little memory or something like that. I'm all for that. But to have to go on and on and on. And when you like when one person reads for like five people in their family, you're

And they haven't read it before. So they're stumbling and bumbling over the words. I would just say, leave it out. Just he was a great guy. She was a great gal.

They were wonderful. Move on down the road. But my number one out of all those things is the fucking officiant that didn't know the person. It's ridiculous. What about, I have another one to add. Okay. What about when the person dies and you know them to be a particular way and then their family of origin takes the reins on the funeral and it ends up being like a,

some sort of religious agenda by the family of origin to kind of Monday morning quarterback this person into getting them into heaven. Like the last push. So...

I went to a funeral once for this guy and it was really sad. Like he died young. He was like a hip, into music, skateboarder, just a super cool kid. Worked for Josh. I never knew this guy to be religious.

He was super open-minded, super progressive. His death was devastating. Like it was, you know, anytime somebody dies super young. Right. It's always a heartbreak. And they go from being like, you know, you see them totally pulled together one second and then the next thing you hear they're dead. Right. So we go to this funeral and it was...

Hell, fire, damnation. Do not leave this church until you have accepted Jesus Christ to be your Lord and personal Savior. And if you don't do that, you never loved the guy that died. I was it was bananas. It's like the family thing.

sabotaged what his life was like. And it was so crazy religious, and it was very threatening, a lot of emotional blackmail.

I wanted to leave, but I was just like, I can't, I'm not going to sit here and listen to this. I think this is abusive. And Josh was like, no, we're going to stay. And he was like grabbing my hand because I was just like, I want to get out of here. Like, this is crazy. And it was nothing like what this kid would have wanted. Completely opposite of who he was as an adult. Completely opposite. It was so crazy. You're like looking under the pews like a rattlesnake's about to come out. I mean, it was crazy.

Nuts. It was absolutely nuts. And so I think...

But funerals, obviously people try to do the best they can. Right. And it is a very emotional time. I've had to play in one recently. But the officiants, you're correct. Sometimes they're up there just free balling it. They're free balling. Making shit up. Well, or they're like take part of a story that the family told them and then it's all fucked up because you know the story because you know the person. The one that I went to, they're talking about how this kid wanted everybody to

to be close to God. And little did anybody know he was agnostic. Yeah.

All of the planners of the funeral didn't know this. And I thought, how sad that people burden their kids, that you have to believe exactly the way I believe. So then you have this person that lives this life and all these people that love them know who they are. Not that the family doesn't, but they know their authentic self. But when they go home, they have to feign a new character. Right.

And I think you knew this kid that... I was trying to think, and I don't think I did. No, you kind of subbed up there for Josh during that time. But it was just, I thought, number one, it's so sad that he died. And number two, this funeral is...

Nothing like what you what I knew this guy to be and you know, he was in his early 20s and right So the parents still had complete control There was no like spouse or child to kind of say this is who take it a step further before Gay marriage was legal in the United States. You had gay couples that had been in a relationship for decades and

And then one of the partners would die. And the partner, the other partner had no legal rights. So then the family of origin comes in and puts on a hellfire damnation routine. I've been to one of those. Doesn't invite the partner. Right. Tries to...

you know, posthumously pray the gay away at the funeral. And it's like, oh, that ship sailed. Right. And it's so disrespectful to your child that died to not include their love interest. Yeah. The person that they were in love with their entire life. Yep. I think it's so disrespectful. Another thing I've noticed about funeral is the rewriting of history. Oh, that's the worst. Rewriting of history. Yeah.

Joe Blow was a wonderful family man. He loved his kids. And you're sitting there going, Joe Blow ran off with his mistress 14 years ago, and he's seen his kids exactly 12 times in the interim. So Joe Blow didn't give a flying fuck. He was much more worried about Joe Blow.

But the rewriting of history at a funeral is the most classic. The rewriting is the worst. I've been to funerals before where the guy was a total dick. Oh, so have I. No question about it. And then you've got somebody up there grandstanding that this person, you know, is so decent. They're almost worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize. And you're sitting there going, look, everybody knew him. Everybody tolerated him. He was a total dick. Treated his wife like shit. Treated his kids...

Okay. And treated as friends probably better than he treated his family. And I think he's kind of a piece of shit, but I've known him for a couple of decades. So I'm here. Right. But then they're just grandstanding. Yes. Had it with that. Yeah. She died in the arms of her lover, but she wanted to be a wife since she was 16. And that was the most important role she ever had. And everybody's sitting there going, okay.

Horse shit. Yeah. So it's just funerals are just an odd thing. My number, I mean, I can't walk by and see the body. Thank goodness that's kind of fading out, the walking up to the altar and seeing the body in the casket. I can't do that. Yeah, it's kind of creepy. It's so, so creepy. My grandmother, when I was in sixth grade, my grandfather died. And the night before, it was an open casket at like the visitation. And she said,

lean over and kiss him on the cheek. No prep. I had no idea that, I mean, I was like 11 or 12. The temperature of the body. It was,

freaked me out so bad that like I kind of have PTSD over it. And like ever since I was young, I cannot even walk up. Like when everybody lines out of the pews to walk up to view the casket, I just line up and then I go the other way. I'm like, no, thank you. No, ma'am. When my grandmother died, I was 16 and I had seen like in movies how people touch the corpse and

So I wanted, and I just loved her so much. And I wanted to touch her hand.

So I reached up and I touched her hand and it was so cold. It's so cold. Because if you think about our body temperatures are 98 degrees. Right, that's almost 100 degrees. Exactly. If you go outside and it's 98, it's hot. That's how, we're hot boxes. We're hot boxes. And so then you touch this corpse and then it's like, I wish I'd never done it. I wish I had never done it. And I did it with my lips. So let me tell you, this lady that was an interior design client of mine for a

probably a decade. I loved her so much. She lived to be like 89 and she was healthy right up to the bitter end. And she knew she was going to die. And she told her loved ones, I don't want a funeral. I don't want people to remember me dead. I want them to just have their memories that they already have.

And she wrote her own obituary. And it just said her name. Let's say it's Jane. Jane Doe died in her sleep. Love you all.

Love that. And that was the end of it. And she just didn't want people to all be together because she was dead. She wanted her memory to live. And so I have my last memory of her, you know, in my head of the last time that I saw her and how she was. And that's the way I remember her alive, picking out fabric for a chair, which she loved to kind of tweak her house. And she was a super cool lady. Yeah.

So, I mean, everybody has to grieve and do it their own way. But, man, there's a lot of fuckery going on at funerals. Yeah. It's like the fuckery capital of the universe, I think. It really is. It really is. Lots of bad ideas at a funeral. Lots. Lots. All right. Let me tell you what I've had it with. Okay. This goes back to the issues that I have with my husband, Josh, pertaining to food. Okay. So, as you know, Josh has two...

default settings. It's either foot on the accelerator smashed to the floorboard or the foot on the brakes with an abrupt halt. Slammed on the brakes. Slammed. I mean, barely preventing a collision. Yeah.

He has this with food. He's either, yeah, I'm just, I don't put a lot of focus on meals. You know, I'm just going to eat at this time. I'm not going to think about it. I'm going to eat a high protein, low calorie food meal. I'm not going to eat, overeat. And I'm just not putting focus on meals. And I'm like, okay, great. There's always a lot of talk and announcing about it. He's got to give you his plan. Right. We're talking about constantly. We're talking about how...

he's approaching eating and what his mindset is. He's not just doing it. There's a lot of defining it. There's a lot of discussions about it, right? So I just kind of go along with it. So then he'll shift to...

I'm starving. I need protein. I'm not eating enough protein. We need to be eating protein. I mean, I don't know why we're not eating more protein. I mean, we have got to get protein. I'm like, okay, whatever. I was like, do you want me to call that restaurant and order us some of those steaks that we like? Yes. But listen, I don't want that petite filet that you get, Jennifer. Yeah.

I want the large filet. I'm like, okay. Because last week it was no focus on meals, small portion size. I ordered the steaks and he's always like hovering over me when I'm placing a to-go order. I've noticed that he's done that to me many times. And he's a psychopath. Right. Okay. We have lots of modifications. Lots of modifications. Lots of questions. Lots of just, it's not a simple process, but he always wants me to do it. So I'm calling in, he's hovering over me like a heat seeking missile. Right.

And he's like, what kind of desserts do they have? I'm just sitting there thinking it'd just be so much better if he had placed this phone call himself. Right. Or pull up a menu. But nonetheless, I'm just trying to get through this. Right. You're already committed. So they say what the desserts are and he decides on a banana cream pie with an Oreo crust. And I thought, okay, that sounds like a good choice, right? Yeah.

So we ride together for some bonding time to go pick up the to-go order. We're talking about our days because he's practicing law again. I've got this shit going on, you know, podcast, design business, blah, blah. We get home and, you know, it's protein time. Oh, it's protein city. So we're both eating our...

Mine, the petite filet. His, the grand filet. The grande. Right. And I'm biting, you know, making some cuts and I give the dogs a little bit of mine. And then the dogs go over to him and they want some of his. And he's like, no, I'm not sharing with you. You're going to have to get some from your mom. So I'm like, all right, I'll give the dogs more because I feel bad for the dogs. We're eating steak and they don't get any. So basically they eat half of my petite filet.

And we get to the I get to the end of my meal and I noticed probably about two bites into my steak that I saw that banana cream pie with Oreo crust on the island because we eat dinner at the kitchen island. And by the time I finished my meal, it was not there. So I said, hey, where's that banana cream pie with Oreo crust? I want to bite. And he's like, oh, I put it somewhere. And I'm like, you're hiding it. Where did you put it?

And he was like, well, I put it in the refrigerator and I go, well, I want a bite of it. And he goes, no, I told you I'm starving. And I was like, well, this isn't the protein thing. So he goes over, opens the refrigerator. He has hidden this pie behind multiple items in the back of the refrigerator for me. He whips it out and says, you're only allowed to have one bite of this.

He cuts this teeny tiny little bite for me, puts it on a plate with zero shame, gives it over to me. I take a bite of the pie and I'm just like, what is your problem? So to recap for the listener, I have somebody that steals the superior bite from my own plate who stole the center of the cinnamon roll.

With zero guilt or remorse, I followed up multiple times with him on that, and he still has zero remorse.

guilt, zero remorse, and he has shown no contrition over that. Huge violation. And then he limits my ability. Right. But you know why he's all over it? He's all over protecting that pie? Because it's projection. Because he knows if that was my piece of pie, he would have had five or six bites of it. So it's the classic projection. And this is the shit I'm going through.

I was just going to say selfish narcissism. But I'll tell you this, listener and pumps. There was a time in my marriage where he was so strung out on drugs and we were so unstable that I would tell my therapist, I just want to have normal people problems. So as psychotic as all of this food fuckery is with Josh Welch,

I'm telling myself and telling you I welcome it. Absolutely. These are normal people problems. Absolutely. My heart rates up a little bit right now. I don't think I could pass a polygraph when I say I welcome these problems, but I'm faking it till I make it. No, but he's a piece of work about this food. You know what would have happened if that would have been me? I would have had to take the pie.

And take like the, even if I didn't want it, cause like Oreo cookie and banana cream pie doesn't sound that great. It was kind of good. But I would have taken a spoon and I would have gotten the biggest bite that I possibly could and crammed it in my mouth. Right. You're forgetting one major detail here. Then you would have gotten in your very own car and started it up and gone to your very own house. Yeah.

That is the difference. I live with him. That is the difference. Right. Absolutely right. I agree. If I were pumps in that situation, I would have taken the pie. I would have had all of it except for one teeny tiny bite and got in my car, gone home to my gay husky and spooned and maybe shaved him extra that night. But you know what? I have to live with that motherfucker. That's a very fair point right there. Welcome to Girl, Please. Yes.

I'd stand by. I think that's a cute name. AKA I've had it. It is sticking a little bit. Yeah. I mean, it's catchy. Girl, please. Girl, please. That's what I can say to Josh about the pie. Girl, please.

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I absolutely agree. The Lume Wipes are life-changing. And the All Over Body Deodorant is pretty fantastic. You know what I've been doing? What? I've been using the All Over Body Deodorant on my feet before I play pickleball or tennis. Smart.

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Use code HADIT for 15% off your first purchase at LumeDeodorant.com and be sure to use the code HADIT at L-U-M-E-D-E-O-D-O-R-A-N-T.com. Kylie. Good morning. Good morning. How are you? I'm good. Do you want to hear what's going on on the internet? I do. I like to know what's going on in the World Wide Web. Okay, I'm going to start it off with a five-star review from Steph. Okay.

titled New Person No More. And she writes, I was going to try and be a better person this year. Not anymore. Thanks, ladies. God, I love that. I love that so much. I mean, I'm like beaming with pride over that. And just immediately recognizing early in the year. Yeah.

Not even going to take it all the way through the spring. Right. Early in the year, you're going to go ahead and just identify. I'm not, I'm not changing. Suck it. Yeah. I like it. Okay. Okay. There's something on Twitter that we have to talk about on the podcast. Okay. So Midas Touch posted a video of us, of Jennifer calling you out for loving MSNBC and loving Ben My Salus. Okay. Love Ben My Salus.

So Barbara commented underneath the video and said, so she's ratting her mom out for having intelligence. I saw this. I saw this listener. I haven't told folks yet. That is so great. I put sirens. Siren emoji. And I put, uh,

This lady thinks pumps is my mom. And then switch to cap locks, retweet. This is very important.

And it got some retweets. I mean, it got some traction. That's like handing you the winning lottery ticket of all time. That's right up there with my pickleball gold medal, honestly. Is it? I mean, it was a great day. I'm touched. I sometimes forget to get on Twitter. Yeah. And so I'll go like two or three days. I'm like, oh, shoot. I forgot about you've got to get on Twitter too and see what's going on there. Right.

And so Kylie had sent it to me. And then I, you know, then I was on it for about, you know, three or four hours that day, just watching the victory retweets, not to be confused with a victory lap. I'm surprised you didn't screenshot it, like posted on social media, like Instagram.

Well, yeah, but the retweet is basically screenshotting and posting. It's a great idea. It is. I'm going to screenshot that and put that on my story. I mean, that was a failure on your part. Thank you for the great idea. You're welcome. Mom. You're welcome. Okay. The last one I'll read is five stars and they write, they have everything from dumb, petty complaints, catty banter to semi-intellectual conversation. Okay.

As a gay black man, these two embody the white woman I aspire to be when I get older. Oh, I love that. That's like the highest compliment. I love that. And he's right. You know, the semi-intellectual. Semi-intellectual. Because we start to go there and then our immaturity takes hold. Right. Our 12-year-old boy sense of humor, it just, there it is. It does. We try to be intellectual. And then the next thing you know, we're talking about, what's the other name of our show? Rock Hard. Rock Hard Cock Had It. Yeah.

I think that was some kind of girl, please. Girl, please. Girl, please. Rock hard cock. Girl, please. OK, while I was on the Internet, I saw an alarming story that I have to share with you. OK, let's that it's from the mirror. And the headline is I took a DNA test for fun. My granddad has 15 kids and faked his own death. So a woman had been told by her grandma that her granddad died when her father was just four years old. So she never met him.

Turns out my grandfather did not die when my dad was age four. Instead, he faked his death, went to the other end of the country, married a 16-year-old girl, and had seven more children. Ew. To make matters worse, she went on to reveal how her granddad gave his youngest children the exact same names as the oldest. Ew.

No way. No. The same names? Same names. That's a twisted fuck right there. Shut up. Yep. See, this is what this always goes back to. We've talked about this consistently on this podcast.

Men are always trying to skirt the system. And this is the skirt to end all skirts. Right. Faking your own death is the biggest skirt there is. But sets up a family. Yeah. Has a family. Fakes his death and then starts a new family. You don't really see women that have secret families, but you hear about this with men. All the time. Yeah. Yeah.

Men are out there just having two families. How fucking gross is that? I hate him. That 23andMe has drummed up a lot of secrets. That's why I don't get one.

I mean, I'm just like, I don't want to know. Like if I'm related to a serial killer, I would just rather not know. If I have like a twin sister out there, I would just rather not know. Immediately, I want to buy you a 23andMe. Immediately. No. Oh, immediately we have to do it. Let's do it on Patreon. Yeah, we need to do it on Patreon. I got my mom a 23andMe for Christmas and we found out that her grandpa had an affair and she has reached out and now is in contact with the love child or something. Oh, so she has a half sister out there. I think so. Yeah.

Which is really juicy for my family. That is juicy. It is. See, this is the kind of 23andMe results I want. Yeah. Something took the burden off of me being the black sheep. Right. Your star is on the rise. It is. It's on the rise. Yeah. Yeah. No, I've always been, ever since DNA, 23andMe started like linking people to cold cases and serial killers. I'm just like, I don't want to know if there's a serial killer in my family. I don't want to take one. I would kind of want to know.

Then you think I would start worrying about like, is that a pathology that I could have passed down to my kids? You know, I would worry about stuff like that.

Because, I mean, like a psychopath serial killer. What about all the other stuff you've passed on to your kids? That's what I'm saying. I don't have room for a serial killer. I fucked them up so much, both genetically. No, you have not. And emotionally. I can't take on a serial killer. I give you shit all the time, but you're a fabulous mother and your kids are fabulous people. Thank you. Okay. Okay.

All right, Seth, listener and pops, Seth has prepared the next part of this episode. And it is a subject that he researched on Reddit. And it is what's your secret that could ruin your life? Ouch. Yeah. So obviously that is.

article that Kylie just read. Would be one of those. Yeah. That you have a whole second family. 23andMe, it sounds like it's blowing these things wide open. A hundred percent. For sure. Secrets are coming to light. So I'm going to read one and then we'll let Kylie read one. Okay. Throwaway is the user's name and they write, two and a half years ago, I was in dire financial straits. So I sold my home to keep my struggling business afloat.

I neglected to tell the owners that they have an 800 square foot bunker on the property that I built about seven years ago. The bunker that I've called home since I sold it. No. The entrance to it is well hidden, but I can still come and go very early and very late in the day.

I'm a single man who keeps to himself. I'm now in a situation where I could move somewhere else, but I love this hidden paradise so much. No way. Yeah. No. Yeah. There's so many things wrong with that. Yeah. I mean, I would say he is like a criminal. There's like criminal liability there. Well, you're one of the country's greatest legal minds. What would you charge him with? Well, I'm trespassing. Trespassing for sure, but...

lying on a financial disclosure. There you go. And you're an expert on all of this because you've been studying the Trump stuff. I've been totally up to date on all that. But here's the deal. You don't ever feel any guilt that you lied and now you're living on their property. I have to assume that his electricity and water comes from the owners of the house. You would think so. So he's not only stealing about having that bunker...

but he's stealing their utilities and their water. I mean, there's a lot of criminal activity going on here. I think I would feel pretty violated. I would feel, is he spying on me? Is he a peeping Tom? What's going on here? Just the fact that you bought a piece of property with your hard-earned money or however you, you know, whatever. You buy it, you enter this contract, then you own it. And to know that somebody skirted

and had built some bunker and was living on your property that you thought was completely yours, I mean, I think that you would feel kind of violated. Very violated. Very betrayed. And this guy, he doesn't seem to have any... No remorse. Uh-uh. And here's the deal also. Like, I would be fucking claustrophobic in an 800 square foot bunker. I assume it's underground. That would make... I think that's the least of this guy's problem. Well, I know, but I'm just saying the claustrophobia would get me too. Yeah, that's fucked up.

Yeah. All right, Kylie, what secret have you unearthed? This one says, when I was 11, I was told to take out the trash and I did. And for context, my family had a grill with a box of matches next to it and it was fall.

So after I took out the trash, I then burned some dead leaves for like two minutes, stomped them out, and then put out the fire. But all I did was push it right next to our house when the house then went up in flames and my parents had very well-paying jobs.

They could afford the damages, but when the authorities came and firefighters put out the fire, they were wondering how it started, and the authorities suspected someone jumped the fence and lit up the leaves to burn our house down. Our parents, scared for my life, moved somewhere else, lost their jobs, lost a lot of money moving to our new house, and for the next solid seven years, we lived like shit. And my parents still do not know that I'm the reason they have to live like that.

Oh, my gosh. How old was the kid when that happened? Eleven. That's pretty sinister almost, wouldn't you say? No. Okay. Not the fire part. I get that shit happens. Yeah. But the fact that all these years later, he still hasn't told his parents. He's never fessed up. They thought they were in fear for his life. They were, I'm sure, in fear for their lives. I think that an 11-year-old starts to keep that secret. Yeah.

Because obviously he, you know, and I understand why he would lie about it initially. But then the lie starts. It just became a part of him or her. Became an entity of its own. I don't know that it's that. I don't know that that one's as sinister as.

Because it's an 11-year-old. And then I think you just have the lie. And then it's like, I really don't ever want to come clean about this, even though I think it would be therapeutic to do so. Don't you know that just eats him up? The guilt of the parents losing their jobs. The house situation. Yeah, he's writing about it on the internet. Yeah. To strangers. I kind of feel like you got to tell.

Purge. You got to purge. Yeah. You got to purge. And at this point, it's probably water under the bridge. His parents would be like pissed for a little bit, but they'd get over it. Yeah. And, you know, it's kind of goes back to the kid thing. Like a kid thinks everything's their fault. People are going to be mad. Their parents aren't going to love him. It's like you'd be pissed at your kid, but you would get over it. You know, wouldn't be like a forever mad thing. But I feel bad for him that he thought that for all his life. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, and I mean, there could be extenuating circumstances with like it could have been super dry. There could have been some sort of accelerant close to the house that, you know, to go from a leaf to I mean, I don't know. But poor baby. I know. I feel bad. I don't think it's sinister, though. You don't. I kind of think keeping it this long is sinister.

I kind of don't. You don't? Mm-mm. Okay. All right. Thrown Away says, I once helped out a female friend's family by taking care of their cat for a week. Every day for a week, I would go over there and snoop around their house. I found my friend's diary and proceeded to read the entire thing. I used this information to get her to like me, and she is currently my wife. No.

That's sinister. That is fucking creepy. I mean, if that were me and I was married to somebody that I knew read my diary and hadn't told me this whole time, I mean, that would feel like a huge betrayal. Yeah. Huge. Yeah. I'm a snooper though. So if I had, I probably wouldn't have snooped into the diary, but I probably would have snooped a little bit if I was young, helped myself to some booze, you know, that kind of thing. Yeah. What do you think? I mean, I think that...

There probably was some information in the diary that helped this person score. But if chemistry is chemistry. Right. And there are so many things that are unspoken. If you could read somebody's diary and get them to fall in love with you, everybody would be doing that all the time. Right. There's so many other components to it. Yeah.

I mean, a kid, I would assume at this age, help my friend's family. They were school aged. Right. I don't think, you know, you see some hot girl's diary. I don't think I mean, I can totally see the guy reading it. Totally. Totally.

But I don't know if it's super sinister. I don't know. It depends on what the information was. Like if it was I'm struggling with an eating disorder and then he reaches out to her and he's like, hey. When both of our husbands got back from rehab, we immediately snooped and read all the shit that they worked on in rehab. That we were told explicitly never, ever, ever read under penalty of death. And we couldn't wait to read it. We snooped immediately. Yeah. I don't know. But then you marry her and she still doesn't know.

I just, I just, I'm a purger though. I would have to tell that. I would feel my own guilt would be the driving force and it would make me feel better, which probably you have to worry about how it would affect the other person. Yeah. But since it would make me feel better, I would assume I had to do it.

Here's what I think. I don't think it's that sinister because it's not that much different than what people do now. If I had a crush on a girl and I wanted to try to ask her out, I could go through every inch of her social media. That's right. I could creep at anything she likes, all of her interests, and I could use all of that. I could go find her Spotify playlists.

and use it all to make her like me. That's exactly right. That's, yeah, see, I'm with you. I don't think it's super sinister. Okay, that's true. It's kind of the old school. It is. Creeping around. I don't think it's super sinister because I think there are so many unspoken things that lead you to marry somebody that this is just a very small little piece. They had to have chemistry. They had to have, you know, things in common beyond what was in the diary. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. I just would have to purge. You're the biggest secret keeper. I know. No, I'm not. Not about big stuff. I don't know. The diary thing. I never had a diary, so I'm not super attached to it, but it seems like it's uber private. Pumps, you know what I've been doing in 2024? What? Algae body butter.

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That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash had it to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince dot com slash had it. All right. Tim writes, I skipped my brother's wedding. I told him I had strep throat. I just hated his now wife. Cunt. Cunt.

Someone responded and said, he probably knows. Another person responded and said, he knows for sure. Yeah. For sure. And strep throat is the worst excuse. Yeah. That is a total F you. That's not even trying. Yeah. I like that though. Yeah. Cunt. He still doesn't like her. Here's the deal. His brother knows and his sister-in-law knows. There are no secrets in that. You can't hide if you hate.

The wife. Right. If you don't even come to the fucking wedding and strep throat's your excuse, not even a creative excuse. Yeah. All right, Kylie. All right. This person wrote, got busted with a lot of computers from my work, about $25,000 worth, and pled guilty to grand theft. They spelled my name wrong, wrong birthday, and I never gave them my DL or social security number. I kept saying, I don't remember it.

It's what I said over and over during my 90-day incarceration. Oh, wow. That was 34 years ago. And I background check my name every few years with a racy heart each time. And it's never there. No.

I kind of dig that. I totally dig it. Yeah. 100%. That's the negligence of the charging body, the DOC, or whoever it is. That's their problem. He dodged a bullet. Totally. Good for you. And no lawyer's going to advise that person to go and be a good Samaritan and say, hey, you don't have these felony charges on my record. Right. No. Nobody's going to say that. It was the prosecutor's fault for not getting the social security number in the DL.

in the beginning. So I'm all for that. Okay. Yach says, I nearly shit my pants in a Walmart, but didn't quite make it. It landed in front of the toilet as I squatted mid air. I ended up getting some on my pants and shoes.

An employee walked in mid-shit and commented that the smell was the worst they had ever smelled and swore when he saw the shit droplets on the ground. I cleaned up as best I could, but instead of leaving immediately, I just kept on shopping. See, here's my thing. I would have had to... This is probably even worse. But I think I would have just gone out, bought some clothes, thrown mine away, and...

Got some wipes. I mean, I've just done a cleanup in my, I mean, I just, I don't want to go twice to the grocery store and do all that. So I think what I would have done, cleaned it up, gone and got me some Clorox wipes, pants, shoes, throwing everything away. How would you have explained this to the cashier or to the people in the fitting room that think maybe you're shoplifting? What would you say? Well, I would buy it before I put it on. So you'd have the shit droplets on your existing clothes. Yeah.

Go pick out a new one. Well, I mean, I try to scrub it off, but yeah. I mean, Jennifer, you have to understand this very thing has happened to me very closely. Oh, I'm well aware. So, I mean, I've given this some thought. This is not just, you know, free ball in here. Right. I've been in a situation where I thought, oh God, what's going to happen? I'm not going to make it. And then I made it. But I thought, you know what I would do is I would go clean up the best I could, grab me some clothes.

Costume change it. Costume change it. Get some wipes. Okay. Let me ask this part. So you buy the clothes. Right. Okay. And then you go into the restroom and maybe somebody doesn't realize because you haven't walked out. They haven't checked the receipt. Like those, you know, those old people at Walmart that kind of check your receipt as you leave and stuff. Right, right, right. What if somebody comes up to you and says, okay,

and you've thrown the receipt away with your old clothes, ma'am, we know that you took those clothes and went into the restroom and changed. What would you say? And we need to see your receipt. And I 100% threw it away.

Okay. You didn't know where it was. Okay. I probably would have put it in my bra, but that's not what this story is. That's right. I would have, I would just say straight up, here's the deal. I shit my pants. I had to buy these clothes. I threw my other clothes away. Right. Check the trash. And I think they probably, even if they didn't believe me, they wouldn't want to check for shitty drawers in the trash. Yeah. So I think it'd be good. Honesty is the best policy. Honesty is the best policy. And here's what I'm going to say to you.

I am kind of with you. If this happens to you, you've already schlepped there. You're already there. The clothes are trash anyway. Right. Are you saving? Like, who are you going to be embarrassed in front of? Right. You know, at this point, go pick out a little outfit. Right. Do a quick costume change. Yeah.

Get some new socks, even get some new shoes. Continue your shopping and you just have to proceed as normal. So this, although it's a fantastic story, I don't think this would ruin their life. And just...

Kept on shopping. Our only advice to this Reddit user is you should have just bought a new outfit and done a quick costume change. Got a few Clorox wipes, wiped down the floor before the toilet. Owned your shit. Owned your shit. Pun intended. Yeah.

All right, Squeamish writes,

My dog was a very friendly golden retriever who didn't even really come near her and certainly didn't do anything threatening. But she sprayed the fuck out of him with some kind of insecticide or other chemical she was using on her roses. I ran back home with the dog and hosed him off. He coughed a bunch but seemed otherwise fine. I didn't tell my parents because somehow I thought I was going to get in trouble for letting the dog walk in her yard.

I'm glad I didn't tell them, though, because I decided that night to sneak downstairs, out the half-bath window, and down the street to her yard, where I cut down every goddamn rose bush I could get my hands on. I love that. See, I say...

Good for you. It's a good pet owner. That is a great pet owner. Well, and that just rude ass people like that for no reason that get their panties in a wad. I just don't have a lot of patience for that. And I don't like people getting their panties in.

in a wad over a dog doing normal dog things. Right. A dog walks in the yard. It's just not that big of a deal. It was a friendly, attractive golden retriever. Right. There's no reason. This is not some, you know, unhinged Rottweiler that, you know, is frothing at the mouth. Attacking her. It's a golden retriever. Right. And for her to spray that dog with an insecticide, the person who should be posting in this Reddit thread is that woman. Right. She should be embarrassed. Yes. Yes.

I tell you what, I love that Rosebushes cutoff. I mean, that kid went down there and Joan Crawford, Mommy Dearest, those Rosebushes, Christina, bring me the axe. Fucking chop that shit down. I loved it. Yeah. I mean, I dig it. That was a great scene in that movie, Mommy Dearest. That's a great movie. That's a great movie. She chops down all the roses. And lived. No wire hangers.

It's great. It's a great movie. It's a fantastic movie. Okay.

In his final months, she did the same. After he passed, we found out that he kept a whole other family on the side in secret too. Another side family. Looking back at my dad's military deployment history, it would also be dicey if she could have gotten pregnant by him around the appropriate time.

Based on a collection of various hunches, I'm fairly convinced I'm the product of an affair between my mother and supposed grandfather. More disturbingly, this would probably be one of the most lighthearted revelations about my family. And that's the happy story. So his hunch is that his mother and his paternal grandfather...

Did the naughty while- They loved the whole time, visiting each other at the hospital. So grandfather's just going out. He's just laying his seed all over the place. Had an affair with the mom. Had an affair. With his son's wife, which is shitty. I mean, that's so shitty. That is the worst. I mean, that is some piss poor parenting. Yeah.

That is probably some of the worst parenting you could do. Yeah. This person writes, a man broke into my home about 10 years ago. Well, kind of.

He knocked, I answered the door, and he pushed his way in. He spoke about the four horsemen of the apocalypse and tried to extort me for protection or he and his brothers of doom would come and kill me. He was huge. Ex-Navy if he was to be believed. Drunk as hell, hand covered in blood. I was terrified. I told him to leave. He wouldn't. He was getting aggressive. Anyway, he didn't leave. So I went into my kitchen and grabbed a knife and sliced at him a few times.

He staggered away, seemingly okay. I assumed he was all right, just wounded a bit. I never saw him again. A neighbor told me days later a man was found dead, some wounds on his arms. I can only guess he bled out, but I never got questioned somehow. There was a lot of blood in and around my house, but I lived in a pretty seedy area, so I guess the cops just didn't care. The guy was apparently a repeat criminal. I killed a man, at least indirectly, and have never told anybody."

Whoa. Whoa, that's heavy shit, man. I don't think she should tell anybody. No, not even Reddit, if it were me. I wouldn't even put that shit on Reddit because here's the deal. IP addresses, cold cases. I mean... Yeah. She's completely...

She had gotten away with, I don't think that's murder. What would it be? Second degree homicide or something. You'd have the self-defense argument. I don't know why they didn't just call the police immediately. I don't know. If they had called immediately, they could have gotten self-defense. But since they didn't, I would be scared too that then I fucked it up and would get charged. Right. I mean, now the time has passed. Right. Yeah. I say you just bury that. Right.

Right. You just have to. No, you immediately, she needs to get off Reddit and quit confessing to slicing and dicing somebody. I guess I'll make the public service announcement.

These phones are what get everybody arrested nowadays. They take their phones with them to murder people. Then all they have to do is triangulate their cellular coverage. They know exactly where they are. This woman is posting this on the World Wide Web. Somebody, all they have to do is just like, okay, yeah, it's a burner phone, blah, blah, blah, blah. You go to the IP address. What was the Wi-Fi? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I mean, that was risky. And now we're putting it on a podcast. Right. Now I kind of almost feel guilty. We're outing her because I don't feel like he or she did anything wrong. Yeah. But the last thing she should do. The last. Is self-report. She needs to get her ass off Reddit.

Like you defended yourself. You called it a wash, cleaned the blood out of your house. And you thought, OK, whatever. I live in it. She lived in a dodgy neighborhood. The police don't give a fuck about neighborhoods like that other than going in and over policing them. And so she was just like, you know, it's a different mindset when you live in a dodgy neighborhood. It's a completely different life. The idea of calling the police for.

For people like us, privileged white women, it's the very first thing you do. If you are at the bottom of the poverty cycle, they don't snitch. They don't call the police. That's just not a part of that culture. So she needs to get off the internet immediately. She needs to shut the fuck up. That's my best legal advice to her. Okay, here's one. I love my wife dearly.

But she's one of the least intelligent people I know. She struggles with very, very basic things. Her whole family does. She's from a small town and wasn't exposed to a lot by her parents and their simple lifestyle. She said a few things that maybe some people would find cute for how ignorant they are. But I just get a little more depressed every time.

The fatal flaw theory. He's too bothered. I think he should have dipped out. That's what I was just going to say. Here's the deal. You read that and he says, I love my wife. Here's

He wants to divorce his wife. He needs to get out. That can't bug you so much writing about it on the internet and everything's roses and lollipops. He needs to cut bait. Immediately. Immediately. I mean, he's already done it in his mind. He's trying to convince himself how much he loves her. I love my wife dearly, but she's one of the least intelligent people I know. That marriage is over. Completely. I mean, it's over.

Call it. And we all know you can't coach stupid. You know, I mean, it's FUBAR. I mean, it is fucked up beyond all repair. She's dumb.

He is not, you know, I would say of average or higher intelligence and he needs to get out. Right. Okay. Just a quick aside. I had no idea what FUBAR was. Thank you for, I mean, I had never heard that. And then you just told me what it was. Very impressed. I know a pop culture word today. What is FUBAR? What is it? You just said fucked up beyond repair.

You had no idea? I've known that for like 20 years. I've never even heard that. Really? Never once. Really? I've never heard that. You've never heard FUBAR? Uh-uh. No.

I like that, though. I like it, too. Look at how hip and cool I am. Well, I mean, that's a stretch. But you did learn a new pop culture term. You're teaching your mom new things. I've known it. I know, but I mean, you knew it before we did. Right. Okay. I have one final one. This person says, I worked in a crematorium in the late 80s.

We had a shelf in the back that we stored cheap plastic urns on. One night, as I was sitting and waiting for one cremation to finish, there was a loud crash and it scared the shit out of me. When I went back to look, I saw that the shelf had collapsed. I ended up just scooping ashes back into the containers but never told anyone about it.

I would have done the exact same thing. I was just going to say, if it were me, 100%, I would have done the exact same thing. I'm mixing Jane and John Doe up. I don't give a fuck. I'm going to kind of make sure they're all about the same. About the same weight. Because here's the deal. Nobody's going to know. The dead people aren't going to know. There's no reason to whistleblow. It's lawsuit city. You're going to have all these nuts that host these crazy funerals going bananas.

Trying to do DNA testing on the ashes to figure out who's who. I would 100% have done the exact same thing. Exact same thing. Like I kind of am like good for you problem solver. That shows us your problem solving skills. You're on the job. You're taking care of business.

I would hire you as an employee. 100%. You're the take charge kind of person. I know. Nobody needs to know that. Nobody needs to. If your ashes are mixed with somebody else's ashes, nobody cares. Really, the ashes are arbitrary. Right. You know what I mean? At this point, the corpse is gone. It's an ash. Who cares if you have somebody else's ash? Because here's the truth is, we're all made of stardust. Right.

Right. And here's the deal. All of us. It all looks like ash from a barbecue pit anyway. It does. It does. I just commend somebody that works at night in a crematorium. That's a brave person because I couldn't do it. Would you get spooked out? The crematorium part I'd be fine with. It's the dead body going in that I wouldn't be able to do. So good for him. And at night it would spook me into the shit out of me. It would me too. Yeah, it would be spooky. I don't think I could work at a crematorium funeral home.

Yeah, I don't either. Any sort of autopsy situation? See, I think I'd love to do the autopsy. Really? But I watch all those shows. So I think I would, I'd probably vomit and pass out within five minutes. I can see more than anything. When I'm looking at something on the internet, I'm reading an article or looking at something that you find juicy.

You come right up behind me and you put, we're basically cheek to cheek. You're hovering over to see the screen. So I could totally see that there would be somebody conducting this autopsy and you would be just right over their shoulder, cheek to cheek. Oh my God, what's that? What's going on here? What's that? Yeah. No, I would be all in on it. Yeah, you would be all in. I mean, I think that would be interesting. All right. Listeners, give us five stars.

Send us a voice memo. Come to the Hot Shit Tour. Most importantly, we started our own cult on Patreon. It's thanks of getting heating up over there for sure. For sure. Shout out to the cult members and pumps tell them. We will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. I'll tell you what I've had it with.