We Manifested This Episode
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So are we supposed to start the podcast? Can you clap? Oh, one, two, three. There you go. That was pretty, I mean, fierce. You're getting so good. I think I should probably go on tour with my clapping. Yeah, you could do a little shimmy afterwards. Yes, a big shimmy. And a big shimmy with the Sagin' Dragons. Yep. Well, today we are going to roll out

From our listener, what you guys have had it with. Don't you love these pumps? This is like becoming my favorite pastime. They're so good. I love it so much because I think everybody has had it with something out there. And if they say they haven't had it with something, then I don't even want to be their friend. No, we don't want them as listeners. I don't trust people that don't have some kind of complaint. I agree. I agree. I agree.

Kylie, would you please play our first contestant? The first one is going to be from Lauren Z. Okay. Lauren. I've had it with fucking minivan drivers. They always pull out right in front of you in those goddamn little baby buses, and then they don't ever go the speed limit. They damn sure don't go above the speed limit, and they usually get in the fast lane and slow everybody else down. Fucking had it. So true. So true.

100% true. And do you remember my policy? I had a policy that I would not drive behind a minivan. I remember. I mean, they're the worst.

worst. It's awful. I have always hated minivans. Hate it. Lauren, I hate minivans with everything in me. Yes. Even if I get in an Uber and it's a minivan Uber, I immediately feel like the biggest fucking dweeb on the planet. Hate minivans. And I have a really very super cute girlfriend.

that when her kids were little, she had a minivan. And I would tell her all the time, you are way too cute to drive a minivan. Do you remember in the 80s, like the vans that were kind of cool? Cargo van, kind of bigger. Well, they had like the shag carpet in the back. And I remember this girl I grew up with, her name was Julie, and her mom had this swanky van. And then something happened in the 90s.

where these minivans got rolled out. Right. And it is dork. It's dork city. Nation. But I have to say, when we've gone on vacation and had to rent cars when the kids were little, they are convenient for little kids. I mean, I would never have one, obviously, but I kind of get it on a vacation. You rented a minivan? Yeah, on several different vacations when the kids were little. Yeah. So you both hate minivans, but are also a minivan renter? Yeah. Yeah.

Because you have the car seats and all that when they're little. What about an SUV? I think we accidentally got a minivan one time because they were out of SUVs. And then we kind of liked it. It's pretty easy by comparison. Am I going crazy here? Or did she just do a complete 180? No, I hate minivans. You're like a complete schizo. I don't drive so. I know. Complete schizophrenic. You sort of, I hate minivans. I hate minivans. Dork city. And then you just said, I kind of love minivans.

On a vacation when you have to drive where you're not, you don't know where you're going. It's easy for the kids. That's the only point I'm making. I find them detestable. Okay, listener, just so in case you're just now tuning in, because there's a lot of whiplash on I've had it.

bonus content episode. Pumps hates minivans, despises them. Dweeb city, dork city, dork nation. Loves a minivan on a vacation. When the kids were little, I did. When the kids were little. She did it for the kids. Yeah. For the kids. Everybody, you can do anything nice for kids. She did it for the kids. No, I guess that makes me a big huge hypocrite, but that's not the first time. Kylie, what do you think about Pumps' about face?

You know what? I grew up, my grandfather had one of those vans that you were talking about, the cool ones. The cool ones. It had like a VHS player, which was super cool. Yes. It had the carpet. It had the blinds. It's like the Scooby van. Right. It was so cool. It's like the Scooby Dooby Doo. Now they look like pedophile vans to me, though. Like if I saw someone driving it, I'm like, uh-oh. Yeah. But I think that...

My mom had a minivan when I was growing up. Luckily, I was too young to remember. Right. God, thank God, because that's trauma. Lord only knows where you would have ended up, Kylie, had you been toted around in that minivan consciously. That's probably why I'm gay. 100%. The minivan did it, kids. Okay. Who's next, Kylie? Up next, we've got Devin V. I've had it with any kind of fucking journey.

I don't care about your fucking wellness journey, your divorce journey, your journey journey. I want that term to go away. I've had it. A fucking men. This is the top, the creme de la creme of the haddits. This has got to stop now.

The journeys are ridiculous. My weight loss journey, my exercising journey, my divorce journey, my spiritual journey. Put a fucking sock in it and go on a real vacation and quit talking about your manufactured journey. I've had it, had it.

had it. I mean, Devin got you right where you live. She fucking just spoke my love language, which is something else that I've had it with or love languages. And Devin, you just spoke my love language. Following people you know on Instagram or on social media has become insufferable because they're inviting you along on something that should be private.

On all of their different journeys. And they make it a public journey that they assume we all give a shit about. I've had it. We just want the salacious details. We don't want the whole journey. Exactly. Let's get the cliff notes. My husband fucked around. It was his secretary. I caught him in the closet. Right.

We don't need a whole journey. We don't need to go through the journey of it. And it's just, it's enough, enough, enough with self-help books, with the journeys, with, oh, here's one thing that bugs the shit out of me. I'm manifesting. The vision board. Yeah.

I'm manifesting. So I went down a deep, horrible Instagram dive this weekend. So there's this girl. She probably has a gajillion Instagram followers. But what piqued my interest, it was on my For You page, is she pulls up in a Rolls Royce in front of this massive fucking private plane, right?

And her husband opens up the car and they like kiss. And then she like waltzes up the stairs. And I was like, well, who's this fucking little twat rolling up in her rolls and then climbing up on her PJ. So naturally I go back 747 weeks and her Instagram profile is one would do if they're disgusted with somebody's behavior. And yeah.

One of her posts, it's like her and her husband and her Birkin bag and her Rolls Royce, her husband's matching Rolls Royce and the biggest fucking private plane you've ever seen in your life. And she literally writes in the comment section, I manifested this life. I thought about it and I made it come true.

And so for the listener, I just want you to know if you want a Rolls Royce and a big fucking private plane and multiple Birkin bags, just think about it. Right. Just manifest it. Just think and pray and think. Thoughts and prayers and manifesting. And you too will be the asshole on Instagram and the Rolls Royce and the fucking PJ. I bet if you got to the deep, dark bottom of it, she just had rich parents. Yeah.

I bet if you got to the deep, dark bottom of it, she could fucking suck the chrome off of a tailpipe and gives an A-plus blowjob and delivers them to her rich husband 24-7, 365. But I mean, one could argue that's manifesting.

That is true. I'll tell you what, if we can manifest a PJ, let's start now. Pumps can't get back. You can't. I'm going to show you this gal's Instagram. I mean, I just can't even wrap my head around it. She manifested the PJ and she wrote that down on the internet for everyone to see. It was her PJ journey manifested. Well, we need to start manifesting. If all it takes is thinking about a PJ, let's get down on our knees and start thinking.

I think you got to get down on your knees and start sucking. I think that's what you got to do, sis. Sounds like commercial for me. Okay. The next one is going to be Kate H. Okay. I've had it with older moms, like who feel like they should punish us for the conveniences that our society has now created because

That we're taking advantage of. Like, I understand you had to duct tape your child to the back of your car to get them over to the closest Kroger. But, like, now we have car seats that swivel, and that's awesome. So, like, why are you giving me shit for utilizing that? You know, like, just because they didn't have...

cars in the 1600. Does that mean that we shouldn't use cars now that they're invented? I don't know. I've just had it. Okay. Kate, here's my deal. All the shit that you guys have, and I think that we would be considered older moms pumps in particular, but I, here's the deal. I don't give a shit about the seeing the kid on the video screen, the swiveling car seats and

swing for the fences i'm glad you have better technology i'm so glad it's more queued up for you to be more vigilant of a parent than we but what really ticks me off from top to bottom are those goddamn young mom parking spots oh my god that's what i was just getting ready to say i had it at it you know i always park in those because i'm like let someone come out here and say

I'm not pregnant. I would say I'm pregnant, even though they'd say you're a little old. No, I park in those spots. That's bullshit. It's a spot reserved for families with small children. And it's like, okay, here's the deal. Let's stop with the exception of the handicapped parking space.

Everything else needs to be eliminated. Employee of the month, hit the bricks, fuck it, done with it. I think that parking is Darwinian. Right. Survival of the fittest. You want a good parking spot, you get there early. I, if I don't see a good parking spot, I give up on it and I just go to the back and figure I'm getting that many more steps in.

Or do you manifest? Oh, I could manifest. You could manifest a new parking place. Before I park my Dodge Journey. Right. My journey. I could manifest my journey of my minivan and get the young kid parking spot. Right. Kate, here's the deal. I can see how...

You know, older moms, back in our day, we didn't have jack shit. I don't give a shit. Being a young mom, your throne was so much shit. I don't remember what we had. All the shit. There's so much shit. And I don't give a shit. It's like a bouncy thing and you got a vibrating chair and you got a car seat and you got all this shit you got to schlep around. There's nothing fun about it. I don't think your part of being a mom is easier than ours was. No. At all. But...

I've had it with those parking spots. Those parking places, they just grind my gears. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's total bullshit. Get rid of all privileged parking spots. You know hospitals, you go to hospitals and reserve for Dr. Such and Such? Fuck Dr. Such and Such. Yeah, I always park in those spots. I have zero issue. Look at me.

impersonating. You're just like a parking lot tyrant. I am. Survival of the fittest. I'm on the top of that heap. Look at you. Yeah. I think that Kate, these women that are bitter, that your car seat swivels. I mean, that's just, are they like wanting to be young moms again? Because it's not fun to have an infant. No, it sucks. Those newborn babies are Chinese water torture. The worst. What have I always said? If you were to put all those prisoners at Guantanamo Bay,

And with infants, and they had to take care of them, they would sing like birds. Immediately, I give it four or five days, torture them with a brand new baby. That'll do it. Yep. That's the truest torture. I've had a podcast where we embrace little babies with their mommies on the teat. All right, Kylie, who's next? Okay, to end our journey today, we've got Jessica S. with her own PI story. Ooh, yes.

I just listened to the episode of the private investigators and the cheating husbands. And I have a cheating husband story as well. And me and my best friend were basically PIs. I've combed through the phone records. And my best friend drove from Houston to Austin in the middle of the night to catch my ex to see where he was. And he tried to say he was sleeping in his van.

And she followed him to a neighborhood that I later found out where the other woman lived. And I just have so many stories. I was laughing at the stupid excuses, like the IHOP story. My husband told me one time that his phone died because the Airbnb he was staying at had old electricity. Yeah.

unbelievable this stupid shit it is unbelievable and I think that episode was so relatable because if you you know if you have been so fortunate to date just you know fucking upstanding upstanding fine young men good for you and I mean that because we're not great for you

But most people have had, you know, found themselves in troublesome relationships or have a very good friend. Right. And so I would have totally done that. And you, for me, driven from Houston to Austin and busted the case wide open. I love it that she drove from Houston to Austin. She was...

on it. And I mean, I did a full blown, you know, AT&T con. Yeah. I mean, I have had a friend call me and say, I think my husband is with his girlfriend at a spot in Oklahoma City. I remember this. It was

Christmas Eve. You drove up there to the restaurant. I drove up there to the restaurant, fucking fronted them both out right then and acted like I was buying gift cards on Christmas Eve at a restaurant. Yeah. I just marched right in there and I was like, what's going on here? Oh yeah. Yeah. No, a best friend is the best thing to have in the world, period, the end, but especially when you've got a cheater on your hands.

Yeah. No, you absolutely. Because it's so painful and so hurtful. And only your girlfriends can help get you through that and that camaraderie. Yeah. I love, love to your girlfriend that drove from Houston to Austin in the middle of the night. He was sleeping in his car. He had old electricity. Shut the fuck up.

Go suck a bag of dicks. Yes. Go get you some. Yeah. What an asshole. You're better off without him. Yes. Way better off without him. And good for you and your girlfriend because that is some bullshit. That's right. That is some bullshit. Well, Pumps, is there anything you'd like to add on this bonus episode? Any bonus content? Any bonus content that I can think of right now?

You got nothing? I got nothing. She's got nothing. Got nothing. Maybe we should start a podcast and call it Got Nothing. Please send us more voice memos via Instagram. You can DM those to us. Follow us. Subscribe. Like. Pumps. Tell everybody when we're going to see them. See you next Tuesday.