Trad Wife Bad Life
01:00:41 Share

So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. That's my best ever, I think. It is a great day. Pops looks so beautiful in her pink. She's grinning from ear to ear about her clap. I'm so proud of it. I mean, nothing makes you happier than a great clap. How's that espresso machine going?

working out for you that I recommended. I love it. I absolutely love it. I'm doing the four shots like you told me. Yeah. It's just been a huge difference maker in my mornings. You know, that's the deal. You got to go pharmaceutical strength in the morning. You can't do this Americano watered down crap coffee. You have to go full throttled Italian pharmaceutical strength espresso.

Espresso. Look at you. Okay, before we get into what we've had it with, I was in the shower this morning before we came and a Fuck, Marry, Kill came to my mind. Okay, good. That is a really good one. Okay. Okay. Fuck, Marry, Kill. Hasan Piker. Okay. Jerry O'Connell. Okay. Ben Mycelis. Oh my gosh. Oh, these are all good. Well, they're all your boyfriends. They're all my boyfriends in one place. Mm-hmm.

Okay, here's what it is. Okay. And I don't feel good about it. Okay. But I'm going to kill Hassan because he's too young for me. Okay.

I'm going to fuck Jerry 100%. I knew you were going to fuck Jerry. I'm going to fuck Jerry. I knew you were going to ride that pony. I knew you were fucking Jerry. I'm fucking Jerry and I'm marrying Ben. Yep. It's exactly. I played the tape through in the shower. That's why we are soulmates. I immediately knew it was homicide with Hassan. Yeah. I immediately knew that he is a candidate for any of the three. He's a candidate for any of the three. And he'd be. I'd love to fuck him.

If he wasn't so much younger than me. Right. I think it'd be weird. But I knew that Jerry O'Connell was going to get the ride of my life. I knew that was coming. And then I knew that you would marry Ben Mycelis because y'all could just be fluffed up in bed watching all the algorithm shit. And you could be like, you're on my algorithm. You're next to me.

All right. Well, he's so smart. I love to hear him talk like it would be perfect. That would be my ideal situation for pumps and Ben sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. I knew it. What have you had it with? Okay, what I've had it with and this has happened to us a lot lately. Let's hear it. It's when queso is not hot when they give it to you. Queso is supposed to be steaming piping hot. And I would say four out of the last five times we've gone somewhere and ordered queso.

I've had to send it back not once, but twice. You have Karen'd the shit out of that queso. I've never seen anything like it. And I would have gone back for a third time, but she wouldn't let me. No. I mean, I had just had it. I was like, this is not rocket science. Throw it in the fucking microwave. Worst case scenario. Listener.

So Pumps and I like to go to lunch together. And we go to lunch about four out of five days of the week. Yeah. And we both like to get there around 11 a.m. We have an early lunch before the crowd hits. Yep. And sometimes that queso has not been sitting in its pan long enough. So we order it and it comes out. And it's lukewarm and I could push through. Yeah. You always are like, we could push through. And I'm like, no. Pumps can't. So she grabs the queso, walks it back up.

They bring it out again. She takes one bite. No can do. Not going to happen. She Karens that shit right back up.

And this guy brings it out like the third time. And he's like, okay, I checked the temperature. It was 130 degrees. And he kind of basically was like, this is as hot as it's going to be. Yeah. And I could tell she took a bite and I could tell like she wants that shit to be 200 degrees hot. Right. And it was like they were profusely apologizing. And I thought after the second time, wouldn't you just as a precaution or a

preemptive challenge wouldn't you like put a spoon in it to see what the temperature is and test it so let me tell you what they did your back was to them my face was to them right had one of those you know like when your kids are little and you could do those little like laser thermometers yes yes yes yes like on the temple he had like one of those oh nice he was checking the temperature so when he brought it back and said it was 130 he'd check the temperature with one of those

I think that thermometer might have been off a little bit or maybe queso is supposed to be served at 170 degrees. Whatever it was, I just, it is striking to me how many times we've ordered queso in recent days and we've had to send it back. I just, I find that odd.

And not just at the same restaurant. Different. You know, when I dine with you and Josh, there's just a lot more interaction with the kitchen and the restaurant staff than with anybody else that I dine with. It's a higher dining standard. It is a higher dining standard. And you two are borderline unhinged about getting your needs met.

at the restaurants. That's true. Josh, for example, yesterday we were going through a drive-thru to get like an ice cream. And Josh said, I'm just so tired of fighting with these restaurants. And I go, what's been going on with the restaurants? And he said, well, I go to this sandwich shop all the time and I like to order an Italian sub and I get extra pastrami. Right. And I'm always battling with them because I don't have a button on the register for extra pastrami.

So they have to charge me for extra turkey. And then they explained to me, hey, you're going to see extra turkey, but it's really for the pastrami. He said that was about 25 orders ago. Finally, yesterday, the day that he's telling me this, he says to the sandwich shop, listen, I know the deal.

I invented this thing. I'm the guy who decided I wanted extra pastrami and that you have to do the turkey. You don't have to even explain it to me anymore. And he looks at me and he's just exasperated and he goes...

It's gotten to the point where I just don't even think I want that double pastrami anymore. I think I'm just going to be a normal person. Right. Yeah. I experienced this with you and with Josh every meal that I eat. There's really only two people on the planet besides my children that I eat with consistently. One is you, my wife, and the other is Josh, my husband. And I just have to sit there and just accept they're going to –

I really push this restaurant staff to the limits. And I just have to sit and watch because I can't really partake in it because you guys have an agenda. You guys have needs that want to be met. You're assertive about those needs. And I just sometimes like the hot case. So I am going to say when he brought it back the third time, it was more enjoyable. Well, I'm just that's what I was going to say. It's like high standards, I feel like are the bare minimum. Let me tell you what I've had it with.

And I think you're going to chime in on this with me. I've kind of had it with Kylie editing our video episodes to where we must look like hammered dog shit. Yeah. Because, listener, we meet people in person at our hot shit tour. And when we met Pumps' fuck buddy, Jerry O'Connell. Wannabe. Everybody's like, wow. Yeah.

Y'all look really good in person. And it's such a shock. They're shocked. Taken aback. And it's not one person. We've been to 22 cities now. Yeah.

And it is every city. And then when we do in-person guests, it is this surprise. Stent. That we don't look so bad. That we don't look like hammer dog shit. Yeah. So I think what's been going on since the beginning of this podcast is Kylie's cutting us up on the Instagram and on TikTok and on all this shit on YouTube. And we look like haggard dogs.

fucking lunatics. Now, of course, we lean into that with our behavior. I'm not saying that we're not aiding and abetting the situation. Right. But there's this relief. And I know you've experienced it because we kind of look at each other and we're like, what the fuck is going on? What the fuck is Kylie up to? Defend yourself, Kyles. I'm adding a hammered dog shit filter. I don't know if it's the lights back.

There is something going on because this is a regular thing. And I'm not saying we look good by any stretch of the imagination. But whatever we look like on these videos. They're pleasantly surprised to see us in person. Pleasantly. I think maybe they're bracing for impact. Right. Like, oh, God, we're going to have to see the Hammered Dog Ship podcast girls. And they see us and they're like, not as bad as I thought. Not near as bad. And then they're kind of like, God, you look great in person. Yeah.

Remember, Jerry O'Connell was like, in person, you guys look really great. Yeah. Hassan even said so. Yeah. I think it's Kylie. I think it's all Kylie. I think. You're welcome. Sounds like I'm doing you a favor. I have a whole theory. And we've talked about the dating app theory, right? Yes. Would you want to look better on camera? And then they meet you and they're like, ooh.

I thought you were going to be prettier. No, I agree with that. I do think if you're going to have a dating profile, you don't over, what do you call it when you doctor up a photo? Photoshop. Photoshop it. You don't Photoshop it to such a degree when you sit down at the table, they're like, oh my God, she's a hammer. I thought she was pretty. Like, you're not recognizable. So I do think it's better to have a less attractive picture and then knock their socks off on purpose. You know what it's called? What? This is the reverse catfish. Yeah.

It is the reverse catfish that we're doing here. You're putting us out on the internet. We look like hammered dog shit. Our behavior, sadly, probably matches that. So we're aiding and abetting this fraud that you're perpetrating. And then people meet us in public and in person, and they're like, God, y'all actually look somewhat normal. You don't look 150 years old. Yeah. Yeah.

So, Kylie, I guess this is not going to change. I guess we're not going to take any proactive measures to help this situation. No, no, no. I think it's working. Here's what I think. I think we see people online and they're always Photoshopped. They look incredible on Instagram, on TV, on film. You meet them. You expect them not to look as good because a lot of times they don't. Mm hmm.

People just expect you to be uglier than the beauty that you look like on the screen. And when you don't, you exceed their expectations, they let you know. Jennifer, I don't know about you, but I think that sounds like an excuse. It's the reverse catfish and also a jet stream of bullshit from our executive producer, Kylie. I would fire her on the spot, but we don't know how to do jack shit without her. We can't do anything. So we'd be lost. That's right.

So we'll just look like shit on the internet and keep moving. And just roll along. All right. Welcome to I've Had It podcast, aka Girl Please. Pumps say it. Say welcome to Girl Please. Welcome to Girl Please. Welcome to Rock Hard Cock Chats. I still don't know where that came from. Well, I think we all know where it came from. Yeah, I think that's been established. Yeah. Yeah.

You got to get laid. Got to get laid. That's it. Full stop. Yeah. Then maybe you'll quit trying to rename our podcast Rock Hard Cock. All right. All right. I want to talk before we kick it to Kylie.

I want to talk about this trend that I saw on TikTok that is so bizarre. And I probably spent about an hour on this feed, this algorithm. So bizarre you couldn't turn away. I couldn't stop. It's called the Trad Wife TikTok trend. And trad is short for traditional. Have you seen this? Is that a rhetorical question? No, I haven't seen it. Okay. Okay.

So there's these gals on Instagram and they're like baking bread and their kids are kind of, you know, around them as they're doing it. And then they have like a voiceover and it's like, I'm a traditional wife who

Women these days are all about trying to make their place in the workforce when I'm trying to make my place in the home. I bake homemade bread for my children, and I believe in being a submissive wife for the Lord and teaching biblical principles, yak, yak, blah, blah. I go in, I've got about 15 of these girls clocked, right? Because I've spent an hour of my life and I'm never getting back, right? You're in. So here's what I thought about the whole thing.

Number one, it's such bullshit and it's a total scam because they're acting like they're traditional wives, yet they're producing these highly edited and like clipped TikTok videos. Right. That are going viral. This one gal has, I would say, a set of breasts that probably yours look like when you were probably in your early 20s, late teens. Yes.

A dynamic duo. Yes. A dynamic duo. She's all dolled up and she wears kind of 1950s style dresses with kind of a low scoop neck, a real tight cinched waist. She's kind of a blonde bombshell, right? And she's always on there grandstanding in full makeup, tits out.

Making all this homemade shit, talking about the Bible. And to me, I'm watching it and I'm like, this has got to be some sort of fetish thing that people are watching. Got to be. You know? And I'm like, there's nothing traditional about all this grandstanding and putting it on social media. It's traditional wife fraud. Yeah. For starters. And number two, like...

The fact that like this is kind of trying to make some comeback when we all know you and I listener, we have a lot of young listeners. When you get to be our age, I'll tell you what happens to women that go all chip it all chips in on their husband's income. Actually, I'm going to let the divorce attorney tell you what happens when a woman goes

is college educated, has a job, quits her job, and then stays at home for 15, 20 years. And then the husband fucks around. What does this broad find out? That she's fucked to death. That it will take her 10 years to make an equivalent of the income that she and her husband made together.

that she will never recover financially from that. And I can speak not only as a divorce lawyer, but personal experience, because that's what I did. And it was an abject disaster. And not only that, then a lot of times women accept unacceptable situations. Absolutely. So that they can survive. Right. And so this is, number one, it's total fraud grandstanding that they're doing. But number two, it is a very difficult

dangerous message for women. And when you get to be our age, not everybody's marriage is great. And typically the ones that are grandstanding on the internet about how great their marriage is, those are the most fucked up out of all of them. No, I agree. And it always, anytime someone says I submit to my husband, I'm always alarmed. Anytime anyone says they're submitting to anything that they take away their own

Intellectual autonomy. I mean, financial autonomy. Dangerous is a good word. It's really dangerous. Because you become dependent on that. And then you're in a situation where you're financially trapped. You're emotionally trapped because you think, okay, well, I need to submit. Somebody else makes better decisions than I do. Oh, they're bragging on their business.

My husband makes 100% of all financial decisions. Right, which is a huge problem. And I stay at home and it's got these kids. And these girls, some of them are like young. Some of them look kind of granola and they're cute. But then they always slip in all this Bible stuff with it too. And it's just like...

Women are progressing to a state now where we are able to have autonomy and have an exit strategy if you find yourself in a situation that is unacceptable, abusive, controlling, toxic, not productive. And when you submit to your husband, you submit to everything.

All of it. All of it. All of their crazy and it's unhealthy and all of this shit's going completely viral. So my take on it is, number one, the one gal with the dynamic duo breasts. Right. I think there's some sort of sexual fetish thing going on that she's getting all these guys because it has all of these kind of like sexual undertones. Well, then there's kind of like the granola hippie with a tinge of Amish kind of granola. Yeah.

That's baking these breads and talking about the Bible and how her husband makes all of these decisions and how empowering that is for her. What? That's fraud. That's not even... What? Yeah. Yeah.

And then if you're doing this, you can't both be a traditional wife and then have this side hustle producing these TikTok things. I don't know if you've ever tried to make one of these TikTok reels. I haven't. Kids, listener, those of you that know how to do this blindfolded, good for you. We didn't grow up with computers in our house. We had encyclopedias, okay? Right.

And it's very complicated to make these TikTok videos. That's why we can't fire Kylie for making this look like shit on the internet. Because we need her. We need her. It's very complicated. And so they're doing all this shit. It's the same with these performative moms who are like, look at what a great mom I am. I'm like, well, we know you're spending at least eight hours a day editing all these TikToks. Right. So shut the fuck up. I'll tell you what, that is worrisome. I mean, in the back of my mind, when you first started talking about it, I was like,

are they serious about it? And I guess the answer is yes. But it's just, it's so far outside my realm of comprehension why that would be a good idea that I just am like, are they serious? Oh, they're serious. I mean, it's just, it's mind blowing. They're serious. And there was this one gal that made like a contrarian point of view.

She was a black woman. And she said, oh, isn't it so nice, these trad wives talking about taking being a wife back 50 years ago? Right. Let me tell you something. Black women have had to work in this country since they were brought over on the slave ships.

These black women worked in the homes of these traditional wives. Right. And we've had to work this whole time. So this traditional wife, this trad wife trend is nothing short of just flexing what white women are able to do because black women have had to work from the jump for the last 400 years. It's not an option to, you know, be at home and manage your staff and bake all this bread and blah, blah, blah.

So I loved her. Like I liked and favored it and I did all the stuff on TikTok with her video. Loved it. Yeah, I love that. She did a good job. And I'll tell you what else, you know who else is the traditional wife?

Serena Waterford on The Handmaid's Tale. Yeah. She's also a sociopath. Also a sociopath. And I'm going to tell you, you do kind of get these sociopathic vibes from these videos. They're like, it's like a Stepford slash sociopath vibe. I'll show them to you when we quit filming. It's nuts. It is psychotic. It's dangerous. And then here's the thing. You have so many people who

that are so maybe insecure and impressionable in their early 20s that see that. And they make it look so ideal, like they're at home baking. You don't see the kids, you know, going crazy with green snot coming out of their nose. Shitting their pants all over the house. Yeah. You know, and then the husband, you know, God making them do God knows what. And I just think it's just this really...

dangerous thing to glorify. Look, it's a free country. You can post whatever the hell you want to on the internet. But the trad wife shit, I've had it up to my eyeballs. I think it's a total fraud. And if you're a trad wife spending all of these hours curating all of these videos, getting super dolled up for your Instagram, you're just a grifter on the internet like the rest of us. Right? Yeah.

You're no different than pumps in me. Right. We're all out here grifting on the internet. So get the fuck over yourself. Own it. You know, like I'm a grifter grifting out like I'm a traditional wife, but really I'm a TikTok influencer or an internet influencer. That's what they're doing. It's no different than the get ready with me's. You know, it's just everybody's out grifting on the internet trying to make a buck. No, I totally agree. I mean, top of the list us. All right, Kylie.

Have you seen that trad wife stuff? I have. It's really scary. Do you think there's any lesbian trad wives? There's got to be, but not as many. Lesbians are better. Lesbians should rule the world. They should. Lesbians are better. I don't know that there would be like a lesbian trad wife that's about all this submissive and the Bible stuff. Because, you know, you get when you get with the gay stuff and then you get the Bible stuff, they're

Those things don't mix well. They're trying to make loopholes and whatnot for it. But typically, if you're that kind of a Bible follower, your only option if you're gay is to pray it away. Right. And we all know how well that works. Oh, 100% failure. All right. Poms, it's no secret that I take...

Being a pet owner, incredibly serious. There is absolutely no doubt about that. It is a journey that I'm on with my dogs and I want their lives to be as carefree and wonderful as they deserve to be. But oftentimes in their short lives, they can get ill and things can happen and you can start to panic over how expensive the veterinarian bills could be.

The ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Program offers customizable accident and illness plans, making it easier for pet parents like you to help your pet get the care that they need. Because vet bills can really add up, especially when you're least expecting it. And let's face it, your dogs deserve the top pay.

That's

That's ASPCAPetInsurance.com slash had it. Again, that's ASPCAPetInsurance.com slash had it. This is a paid advertisement. Insurance is underwritten by either Independence American Insurance Company or United States Fire Insurance Company and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency Limited. The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Pumps, I have to tell you, you never stop needing therapy. And just when I think,

Nailing it. I've got everything on lockdown. I end up thinking something crazy or doing something crazy or have some sort of internal conflict. That's why I love BetterHelp so much. I love BetterHelp because it's so convenient and I can do it in my own home, which causes me more, causes me to be more comfortable and open with my therapist.

Absolutely. And I think that as we keep aging in life, there's a desire to just get better and make your life easier. And that's why I love BetterHelp. The therapists are so incredibly talented. And the idea that we can do this in our own homes, on our own schedule makes me so much less inhibited to be brutally honest to get to my core issues.

Listener, become your own soulmate whether you're looking for one or not. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it. I want to talk about liars on the internet today. Oh, God, that's a great segue because that's what the trad wives are. Liars on the internet. I planned that really good segue. Okay.

This is a good lie, I guess, but we posted a promotional reel for an episode that had not come out yet. Okay. So you put a reel up to promote that it's coming out like what, tomorrow? Yeah, the next day. Okay. No one had seen it except the three of us in this room. Okay. Someone named Maureen, and I'm not scared to call her out because I know she's not listening to the pod, commented and said, this was such a funny episode. And it hadn't aired yet. It hadn't aired yet. So she's just flat up.

Straight out lying in the comments section. She's lied. Well, maybe she just thinks that our episodes are just reels online. I just don't think so, Pumps. I think that she's lying on the internet. You think? I think she wanted praise. And what did the comments say? What did you write in the comment when you did the promotional? The caption said, episode drops tomorrow. Okay, that's worse. So she's not reading it. She's not watching it. She's not paying attention. And she's lying.

But at least she's lying in a positive light. I'll give her that. Okay, I also have a DM that we received that I want to read to you. Okay. This is from Erin. And Erin writes, An ode to Jennifer, Princess Di, Kylie, plus new bitch. On behalf of my wife...

and your self-proclaimed number one fan, we want to thank you for saving our marriage. How did you do that, you may ask? Well, it's quite simple. You stopped being lazy twats and started taking your real job seriously by delivering more content on YouTube, Patreon, and by adding iHipNews to YouTube. My wife and I have gone back to our nightly ritual of not speaking to each other unless we paused the video to agree with something funny you said.

However, before you get too high on your own supply, this is absolutely not the time to rest on your laurels and revert back to old patterns. Divorce will still happen without pumps, and boucle furniture will still thrive without Jennifer. And now that I've expressed my feelings, I need to go have my daily minty bee. How cute was that? Saving marriages. Saving marriages. With the addition of girl pleas. Yes.

Welcome to our news channel. Girl, please. No, listener, we start on Mondays and Fridays, Pumps and I, because we're both very political. Right. We both consume a lot of news and read the news. Nobody on the planet consumes as much news as Pumps. Right. So on Mondays and Fridays, on YouTube only, we do our take on the news. For those of you, for some bizarre reason that might still be hanging around, that are

MAGA followers you would not like at all the Monday, Friday news segments. No, not at all. But you know what? They could write hateful comments and that would make him feel better. Yeah. And it would help, number one, give us comment, do dramatic readings. Number two, help the algorithm. Right. And number three, you know, I can't imagine when you just start going off in the comment section that you feel good. Obviously people do because they like to just go ape shit crazy, let their freak flags fly.

Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I don't know. Speaking of freak flags flying, I saw a Washington Post article that I have to tell you about. People are now having something called the buddy moon instead of a honeymoon. And it's where they invite their friends along with them. On the honeymoon? On the honeymoon. So this girl, for example, she wrote, we literally went from welcome party to rehearsal dinner, then wedding day, then...

The buddy moon where everyone came along. And some people are even doing family moons. Oh, God. Oh, shit the fuck. Where all of their family is coming on their honeymoon with them. Now, that is just a recipe for disaster. That's psychotic. Here would be my take on it from personal experience. I one time took an anniversary trip with my ex-husband. And I took it to a place that I had a really close girlfriend.

And so she stayed with us the whole time. But that was by design. So there was no alone time with the ex-husband on an anniversary trip. So that to me screams, I don't want to be with my spouse alone. And maybe that's just my projection because that's what I did.

But I just don't think it's normal. Aren't you just supposed to like breed like rabbits the whole time on your honeymoon and just be in la la land, goo goo, gah gah love? Well, I mean, I would just think that it's a time after you have done all of these group activities. Right. You've gone through the showers, the rehearsal dinners, the welcome parties, the receptions. Everybody's around you all the time. It's a time to just go and kind of decompress, right?

Like you said, have sex, have a nice time together. Bringing the friends is problematic. Right. Bringing the family is an extra layer of, uh,

concern. No, that's alarming. I mean, I can kind of see if you're going on a great trip and another couple wants to come. I mean, kind of, sort of, maybe you could sell that to me. Why not do a couple's trip at a later date? Right. This is the honeymoon. This is the honeymoon. But bringing your family, that just tells me your mother and father-in-law are going to be in your bedroom your entire marriage. That is a terrible idea. Buddymoon. Buddymoon.

I don't know. I just think that's not a good way to start. And listener, in case you're new here, will you please remind the listener how your marriage ended after the buddyversary trip? I went down in a ball of flames, sunk like the Titanic.

Yeah, it did sink. It was a train wreck. I mean, it was just every bad metaphor you can come up with is applicable. Disaster city. I think that that is all a symptom of this anxiety of the same thing when you don't want to be alone. And if you don't want to be alone as a couple, it's this anxiety that something's off. Right. I mean, I just think it's a huge red flag. Huge. So-

How do we charge people for that diagnosis that we just gave them? What's a therapist? Like $250, $300 an hour? Yeah. Venmo pumps. Pumps, pumps, pumps. Because that is just, if you find yourself in a situation where you planned all this stuff and then you're leaving town and your friends are going with you on your honeymoon, and if your family's going with you on your honeymoon, that is just an extra layer of stress.

disaster in the making. It's just weird. It's weird. Who wants their family to go on their honeymoon? Ew. Creepy, creepy, creepy. Yeah. Well, I mean, God, I'm just, you know, you know, one thing that I enjoy about bringing up all this stuff, it just highlights how healthy we are. Which is not easy to do. We're not trad wife TikTok influencers. No, we are not. We're not going on buddy moons. We're not going on family moons.

I just can't imagine anything worse. The only thing we have going for us is we look like hammered dog shit on camera. Right. The upside is we look less like hammered dog shit in person. The reverse catfish is going on here, and I've had it. Up next, we have one of our favorite features that Kylie and Seth and I prepared. We have not shared these with Pumps because as the listener has grown accustomed, Pumps' laugh is best.

when it's natural, and just letting us all in on the giggle. So we're going to read from the Nextdoor app. Okay. These are one of my favorites. Okay. Pam posts, and this is the entire thing is cap lock. Okay. So she's screaming it. Donald Trump, truth social, cap lock, 2.45 a.m. bender. Okay. Okay. Important information contained below.

If you own a locking mailbox and if your box was pried open with a tool, it is absolutely legal to rig your mailbox to detonate a small non-lethal explosive device to scare the would-be theft from stealing your mail. There are tutorials on YouTube and don't worry, the mailman will be safe.

If that doesn't solve your problem, send me your address. And when you most frequently experience mail theft, and I'll hide in the bushes and stake out your mailbox until you are satisfied. If you absolutely can't figure out how to do this yourself, first, and I assure you it is legal, second, I can help and can be contacted on this website if you need help setting up the contraption. Stay safe and screw the mail thieves.

I think we found who's breaking into the mailboxes. Right. She's doing it herself. So she can make all these bombs and stop people's mailbox. I mean, that is some A plus crazy right there. What about just let me know when this happens and I'll stake it out and hide in the bushes. I mean, that's kind of a profile in courage. I mean, just selfless neighborly actions right there. Like if you can't blow the criminal up.

making this bomb on YouTube. Right. That you got the directions. Don't worry. I got you. Even though we don't know each other, we're neighbors. We're both on the neighborhood app. I'll stake it out and hide in the bushes. And here's the deal. She's telling people, oh, putting a mail bomb in your mailbox. No worries. It's legal. Who the fuck are you, Karen? Have you heard of the Unabomber? Dumbass. Right. Like people don't go around bombing people over fucking snail mail. Oh,

I mean, that just doesn't happen. What a freak. You know what? She needs something to do.

To get laid? To get laid. Right. If like three or four months from now, if I'm staking out mailboxes, we'll just hire a gigolo. I think we're going to have to. Because this is the downside of not having sex. That's what we've jumped right into. We're bombing people's mailbox. Hiding in bushes. We're giving legal advice when we're not lawyers. Yep. We're spending 24-7 staking out other people's mailbox. And might I remind you, over snail mail. Yeah. Yeah.

Kylie, do you have anything good for us? I do. I've got Tina, who lives in Austin, Texas. Okay. She writes on Nextdoor and says, I would love to have a Trump and Cruz sign in my yard. Where do we get them? Ryan responds, Jim Crow's campaign office has some. Tina says, where's that? Ryan says, 1950 Segregation Street. Okay.

Tina says, it's not coming up on navigation. Is it Austin? Tina, see, Tina is exactly who I think of when I think of both a Donald Trump and Ted Cruz supporter. Uneducated, unconscious, and incompetent. Here's what just blows my mind.

If you were kind of a, if you were a nut and you're like totally in on Trump and Cruz. Right. Whatever the psychology is that gets you there. Let's just say that I'm going to accept it. The part that I can't accept is that you advertise about it. Right. Why aren't you embarrassed? You know what I mean? If you're like one of these, I'm a fiscal Republican and I'm just voting for my tax bracket and blah, blah, blah. Shut the fuck up. Don't tell anybody you're doing it. Right. Don't put a Trump sign and a Cruz sign in your yard. But this level of crazy.

is so unhinged. I mean, they're like ripping their clothes off, paint and cruise MAGA, Photoshop and pictures of both of them. And it's just like this weird homoerotic worship that they have for these politicians. It's just this, that watching, observing that level of crazy is really fascinating to me. Now I'm totally fascinated by the whole thing. I love the fact that the guy stuck with it and

And answering the questions. Though, if you watch on TikTok or on Instagram, those reels where like the good liars and Jordan, what's his name? Jordan something, Klepper, Clapper. Yeah. They go to these Trump rallies and within the second question, they have these people in an intellectual headlock and the people don't realize it. No, they do not. They've just contradicted themselves 17 times and they got them in like this intellectual headlock. It's the easiest thing on the planet for them to do.

Normally, I think bras are so uncomfortable and I dread that time in the morning where I'm getting ready that I have to put on a bra. But ever since I've discovered Skims, I absolutely enjoy it. I love their bras and panties so much because they're so incredibly comfortable. I don't feel like I have to rip my bra off every time I get in the car nowadays. Absolutely not. Let me tell you what I love. I love the fits everybody t-shirt bra.

I can wear these bras to work under my clothes, and I can also wear them as sports bras when I play tennis or pickleball because they're all the support I need, and you absolutely feel like you're not wearing one. It really just skims the body, and I would say that these products absolutely live up to the hype. Listener, shop Skims bras at Skims.com.

These items are now available in 62 sizes, 38 to 46H. Plus, get free shipping on orders over $75. If you haven't yet, be sure to let them know we sent you. After you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select our show in the drop down menu that follows. Poms, I have to tell you, I've been preparing food at home.

Really? Yes. I have discovered this new service called Factor. Factor is delicious, ready to eat meals, and they make eating better very easy every single day. Two minute meals, fuel up fast with Factor's restaurant quality meals that are ready to heat,

Thank you.

Factor is less expensive than takeout and every meal is dietitian approved to be nutritious and delicious. There's no prep, no mess. Factor's meals are 100% ready to heat and eat. So there's no prepping, no cooking or cleanup needed. Which is a great thing.

which is why I'm totally all chips in on this deal. Now I understand why you're kicking. Yes. Head to factormeals.com slash hadit50 and use code HADIT50 to get 50% off. That's code HADIT50 at factormeals.com slash HADIT50 to get 50% off. All right. This one's titled Naked Neighbors.

Yeah.

It seems super liberating and fun as there aren't many people out at that time. Thanks. What on earth is going on in that neighborhood? Two 65-year-olds naked walking down the street at 645 and this guy's not horrified he's wanting to jump in? I mean, I just am kind of like, you know, whatever. That does not sound good at all. I mean, I like the liberation factor, like run around in the backyards together, have a swinging singles naked party all day long. But

But I just, for me personally, I don't want to see it. All right. I want to play would you rather real quick. Okay. Would you rather go on a cruise, the world's largest cruise ship, 8,000 passengers, lots of children, okay, and you have to dine with people, you have to interact, you have to do activities for 10 days, or go to an exclusive cruise

All nude resort for 48 hours. Easily the nude resort for 48 hours. I don't have a problem with the nudity, but just on the street. All right. Let me sweeten the deal here. At the nude resort, there are group activities such as nude volleyball, oil wrestling, mud wrestling. Okay.

you know bubble time where everybody's in the hot tub with bubbles all of those freak show things that they do at these nude resorts and you have to do a full light nude yoga uh you know fluffing massages where you you know you're like a fluffer to get people ready for sex and whatnot 48 hours and i mean you have to do a full itinerary of all the naked shit or 10 days on the carnival

I'm going to the spa. I mean, because when you said that, I thought I could probably, if I really tried, I will oil up the dragons and then I could do like a volleyball. You know how you serve a volleyball? I bet by the end of 48 hours, I could serve a volleyball with a dragon. I bet I could.

I mean, I really do. I mean, that's immediately what I thought. I could work on mine. Would you just kind of just be like, okay, I'm here for 48 hours and I'm naked. So I'm just going to oil up and I'm just going to be loud. I'm going to shimmy it around. What would you do with your pubes?

With my pubes? Yeah. Prior to your 48-hour debut at the nude resort. I would be a high and tight, complete trim job. Would you have any or would you go full Brazilian? No, I'd have some. Not full Brazilian. Little landing strip? Just a little tiny patch. Yeah. For maybe Jerry O'Connell if he were there to land the plane. Land the plane. Yes. Just a few directions, guiding directions. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Oh, man. But there's just very few things that I would not do to avoid a cruise ship of 8,000 people for 10 days. I mean, I just can't even imagine. What do you think we can do, Kylie, to make this 48-hour at the nude vacation hotel happen? I think we could post it on Patreon. It sounds like the hangar trick's going to be whipped out if we're doing volleyball service. Oh, for sure. I'm doing the hangar trick. I might even be the star...

of the nudist colony, if I could go around and teach the group how to hang a hanger on their nipples, maybe I could do enough hanging on the nipples with wire hangers. My goal could be to get back to a wooden hanger or even a big coat hanger. Okay, let me ask you this. Let's say that like you go to nude morning yoga, all right, then you have nude breakfast. Okay.

Okay. Right. They're serving like sausages and all this phallic shit, right? Hot dogs. You got to eat all that. You got to eat all that shit. And then they have, you have a choice for your mid morning activity. You can either go to booty twerking class. Okay. Or hot tub circle jerk massage where everybody sits in a circle in the hot tub and massages each other in oils. Are you twerking your booty? Are you doing the circle jerk massage? Okay.

Circle jerk massage. I thought you were going to say I had to stick a hot dog or a sausage in my vagine. That's what I was preparing myself for. I was like, oh, God. I mean, here's the deal. I'd still go to the resort. I'd just take a sausage link and just fucking own that shit. You've got to get over there cramming sausages down.

And hot dogs up your twat because you're so desperate. But no one asked you to do that. That's what I was preparing for. We have a microphone and you just went ahead and volunteered that you're cramming hot dogs and wiener schnitzels up your twat. Well, in the interest of full transparency, if it's a would you rather, I just can't be on a cruise ship. That wasn't my would you rather. That's all your idea. What?

That came from the depths of your psyche. I'm just picturing you twerking, you know, to Baby Got Back and stuff. And I'm thinking how fun that would be and how much I'd like to watch it. But you know how I can't dance. That's why it would be so fantastic. I had no idea where your mind was going.

You have no idea how sick I was. Where you're eating stuff through your vagina instead of your mouth at the breakfast at the all-inclusive nude camp that Kylie and I are clearly going to sign you up for with the help of our Patreon members. Those filthy animals over at Patreon would love it. Yeah. Yeah, that's where I thought I was going. Oh, my God.

I just love pops. Kylie, what about you? You simply mentioned breakfast. No, she said, phallical reference, and I thought... She said sausages and hot dogs. I just never heard stuff it up your twat, though. Did your mind go there? Not at all. Mine didn't either. I was using a narrative, a descriptive narrative for our listener to explain that like...

This is a naughty, you know, there's a lot of sexual innuendo at the nudist vacation hotel. And so I'm just painting the picture in a descriptive way. Pumps is grabbing those sausages and hot dogs and cramming them up her vagine and then telling everybody that's what she was thinking about to all 10 of our listeners. Admitted it.

Yeah. That's where her head went. And I mean, she didn't even bat an eye about the nude thing. And then the next thing you know, she's cramming stuff up her vagina. You know what? I think you would probably, I think you'd probably get laid a ton. I think you'd probably think. I actually do. Yeah. It would be great. I probably fucking love it. Want to go back the next weekend.

You could just get laid left and right. I could just, I mean, I could do like three or four in a weekend. Yeah. Maybe a day. Yeah. The dragons are out. They're playing volleyball. They're oiled up and ready anyway. Yeah. And lubed up from head to toe. Wiener point in and out. Not just human. Lubed up from breakfast. Yeah.

I'll just take the weenie like at the sausage and just be like, who all's coming? I am so sorry. It always, this is what always happens with us. Yeah. We're just not. This is what always happens with us. So the two are young, younger listeners. You never really grow out a fun potty humor. No, you don't. And if you do, then I don't want to be their friend. No.

The crass parts are the fun part. Yeah. If you don't have a friend that would go to a nudist hotel and during breakfast cram hot dogs and wiener schnitzels and sausages up their vagina just for kicks, and it would you rather bet, then get new friends. You've got the wrong friends. You've got the wrong friends. Pumps is already taken. She's mine. And I'm not trading her in today. Not today.

Okay. Jean posted, people, when you are sitting in the comfort of your own home watching porn, apparently on a sound bar from what info I can get, you may not realize that you are broadcasting it through my Samsung smart hub refrigerator. Please disconnect from my device. Okay.

That's fantastic. So this is a neighbor that's got their porn going and it's coming out on this woman's refrigerator? Yeah. So it probably has a Samsung soundbar, right? So it's Bluetooth connected. So we just click Samsung for a soundbar. The neighbor's got a Samsung Bluetooth refrigerator.

Which I could only imagine if something like this happened at the Pumps residence. If porn started coming out of the refrigerator, I don't know. I mean, with all of this, you know, the Sahara Desert drought you're going through. No sausage would be safe. No sausage would be safe. No sausage in the neighborhood would be safe. I mean, we just have to appreciate like her refrigerator is playing porn for. That's pretty amazing.

I mean, we have come a long way with technology. The marvels of modern science. How about that? That's funny. I really like that. All right. Joel writes, can one of you guys that drive 50 miles per hour down my street run over that lady that walks her dogs at 430 in the morning? Thank you. I'm with him. I think that's a great comment.

Okay, here's one. To the little girl that threw a fully grown adult potato at my head this evening, I hope you are happy with yourself. I hope you had a good laugh when that potato bounced off my car and hit me again. I am a proud family man and Lexus owner and don't deserve vegetables flying at my head. This town has taken a turn for the worse. Thank you.

That's just a big fat titty baby right there. I didn't realize that Lexus owners had a preferred treatment over other car owners. Did you? No, I didn't either. And I fucking love the fact that the potato bounced off the car and hit him again. Yeah, he deserved it. He deserved it. What a...

gets mad at a kid that does something stupid like that. I mean, that just happens. Shit happens. Yeah. Titty baby deluxe. Titty baby city baby. Titty baby city baby. All right. This one says, hello, I might be in need of a summer nanny. I have an eight-year-old daughter and an 11-year-old son. Pam responds, do not have Joe Biden watch kids. No.

Thank you for that update. Do not have Joe. Yeah, because that's what Joe Biden's going to do as a side hustle. He's going to be an au pair. He was about to respond to this and take the job. You know what, President? I've got some downtime in the summer. I'll be a nanny. As a side hustle. As a side hustle. And how about somebody that may need a nanny? Like you either need a nanny or you don't. This is so unhelpful. This is so unhelpful on so many levels. Here's one. Very angry. Very angry.

I'm very upset at some of my neighbors. In fact, I am completely disgusted and disturbed. I cannot believe the disrespect that I have encountered in this neighborhood. When I am walking my pet iguana, I expect to be greeted with joy.

Thank you so much, Brad, my lovely teenage neighbor, for calling me a weird lizard lady and telling me to go home and proceeded to then call me a waffle stomper. What does that even mean? I will walk my iguana with confidence. Never again will me and John McCain, my iguana, be disrespected. Next time, I will be calling the proper authorities.

Brad was mean to John McCain, the iguana, and she hit. She's had it with that. She has had it. Nobody is going to disrespect John McCain except for Donald Trump. That's right. Everybody knows that. I mean, he's the only one allowed. Here's what my thought is. If you're a weird lizard lady and you walk your lizard, why don't you just own being the weird lizard lady? It's highly unusual to walk a lizard.

It's highly unusual. I think it's a weird name for the lizard, John McCain. Maybe she had a crush on him. Maybe she admired him because he was a war hero. Here we are back with the crushes on men. Now it's a lizard. I think this woman's a nut. For sure a nut. And then if a kid, a teenage kid, Brad, is calling you a weird lizard lady, I mean, that's just...

Grow up. Aren't you a weird lizard lady? I mean, the facts indicate you are a weird lizard lady. Yeah. So, I mean, I think he probably has called the situation. Let me ask you this. Are you a weird nudist colony lady? Is that what you are at breakfast? Is that what you are at pumps?

In that scenario, absolutely I would. And you know what? Here's the deal. Fucking own that. What about the volleyball? You, the weird volleyball serving off your titty? Here's the deal. If I could serve a volleyball of my oiled up sagging dragon, I would be so proud of that. I might post it on Instagram if I knew how. You'd be the star. Of the colony. Of the internet, honestly. I'm here for it. Wouldn't my kids be delighted?

You know what? There are so many ways that we as mothers can make our children proud of us. Absolutely. You know, and I think that's one thing we haven't. I don't think anybody's ever discussed that. Right. I've never heard that on a podcast or in the news. Kylie, have you? I have not. Yeah.

We could maybe even turn it into like a trial Olympic sport. Yeah. Get one of the trad moms out there or what are they called? Trad mom. Yeah. Trad mom. See if she can, we could compare her serve. If her husband lets her. After she has permission from her husband, of course. And after the bread's rising. Right. Right. Right. Well, I mean, we could go on and on, but we need to save some of these for the next time we whip out a, uh,

neighborhood app episode, but I think that was great. We learned a lot of great stuff about pumps today. We have some goals for you. We have some goals. We have some new outdoor activities I could be trying. I just, you know what I can't believe? I can't believe how hot you are that we haven't received just a deluge of applications of suitors

chomping at the bit. Oh, yeah. It's ready to take you out and razzle dazzle you. I'm dead serious. I mean, I see it in the comment section. Right? Well, maybe one has a friend they can set me up with. Well, all right. Let's continue this conversation about your dating arc on our Patreon in our after show. If you have not joined our Patreon yet, we do after shows after each podcast for more content. And

When we get 1 million subscribers, Pumps is going to strip down naked and balance a wire hanger on her nipple. I'm also going to add to that, I'll serve a volleyball off one of the dragons. Or at least attempt to. Oiled up? Oiled up. Butt naked? Butt naked. Oh, God, that's great. We're so short of this goal, but I mean... That's why, I mean, I might even say I'd put a sausage in my vagine.

If we got a million followers, why not? Why not throw that in? I mean, sky's the limit for us on Patreon. Yeah. All right. So join us on Patreon. Come see us on the Hot Shit Tour. I'm still pretty butthurt that the number of downloads we have do not correlate with the number of five-star reviews. It's just a little side grievance of mine that I guess I'm going to continue to have as long as we have these lackluster, unengaged listeners. Yeah.

What else do we tell them, Pumps? Subscribe to all of our stuff. Subscribe and send a voice memo about what you've had it with to I've Had It podcast on Instagram. And if you're in Patreon, in the top tier of our Patreon cult, you have a direct line to Kylie for your grievances to be featured on an episode of this hammered shit podcast of ours. Pumps, tell them. We will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. I'll tell you what I've had it with.