Toddlers are Assholes
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As if the McCrispy couldn't get any better, Bacon and Ranch just entered the chat. The Bacon Ranch McCrispy. Available at participating McDonald's for a limited time. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. I've had it. I've had it with the long camera set up. Oh. Right out of the gates. Okay. Clap one, one, two, three. Yeah. Yeah.

So are we supposed to start the podcast? You want to start? Let's start. Okay. So I think the people kind of wanted us to do a podcast. It's kind of weird, but yeah, I'm excited about it. Especially our children were the biggest pushers of this. Yes, that's true because they all wanted to be on it.

They're kind of narcissists. Did we raise narcissists? Oh, 100%. Welcome to our podcast. This is I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie, aka Pumps. And we have a couple of producers in here. Jen.

And they're probably going to jump in because they're bossy and have strong opinions. And then we have a really, really sweet sound producer, Richard, with us. Glutton for punishment working with all of us. So what have you had it with this week? Oh, yes. Yes.

My number one thing I've had it with as the last 24 hours is I bought a watermelon. I did all the little tests like knocking, flipping, clicking. It was a winner. I was like, this is what all the YouTube videos say to do. So I get it home and not only is it shitty watermelon, it had seeds. Why do they even make watermelons with seeds anymore?

So that's going to wrap our adventure of being a podcast. We're competing on Instagram with like fucking kittens and dogs and you've got watermelon with seeds. That's what you've had it with.

All right, let me take over. Take over. So a strangest thing happened to me this week. Okay. So I go to Walgreens to get like some dental floss and some lipstick. Okay. The beauty of shopping at a Walgreens is there's no salespeople. Right. And if you want a salesperson, you really have to hunt them down. Yeah.

Get one that might be a little bit of a go-getter. So I'm looking at the lipstick color. And then all of a sudden, this woman who is not wearing a Walgreens uniform, she's like, well, can I help you pick out the right color? I was so alarmed and thrown off guard. Are we sure she was a sales associate? Yes. And then she had the little Walgreens tag. She was kind of manning the perfume counter. I do like a good Walgreens perfume. What? Yeah, I do. I get my perfume there.

Used to be at Dillard's, but it's cheaper. Was this like Eric McCain, Susan Lucci? No, it's called Alien. You wear perfume called Alien? Yes, I have for 100 years. Is that why you stink all the time? Fuck you, no. I started wearing it when I smoked all the time and so it would like bathe me in the fragrance. I think I'm nose blind to Alien because I've never smelled perfume on you ever.

That can't be right. My laundry soap and we're together all the time. So you don't smell it. Nose blind. Your nose blind. Yeah. So anyway, by virtue of shopping at Walgreens, I think that as a consumer, you have already said, I don't want to help her because I'm going to Walgreens. Right. Right. And so then I get ambushed. And I mean, I had had it. I don't buy any, I buy no lipstick. Okay. Let me tell you a story that I haven't told you.

So I'm driving in my car, minding my own business. I'm at an intersection stop, stoplight. I look around as you do at an intersection just to see what the other cars are, whatever. So in a car, there's this guy and he smiles real big. And you know, I smile real big. I mean, not like thinking one. So you're flirting with a man? No, I'm not flirting with him. I'm just like, he smiled and I smiled. That was it. Okay. So then he starts honking at me.

Okay. And I look over, he had his dick out. Wait, do you see the dick? Yes. But I didn't like look, look, because I was so terrified. I just went, I just saw kind of the turtle head. And then that was like, knew what it was. So I was like, I'm out. And then he kept honking at me. And then I'm just like, of course, just like looking away and like,

floored it when the light changed. Did you call like 911 and say, hey, there's a flasher? No, it never even occurred to me to call 911. You didn't think like maybe we need to get this person pulled over and off the street since he's

No, I never thought about that. So the Me Too movement just kind of passed right by you. I'll tell you what I really thought about doing, and it was after Two Lights Later. I wanted to, if I had it to do over again, I'd stop my car, I'd roll down my window and go, let's go bend me over that fucking car right now. Because I think he was just a flasher, not really. He was just interested in the...

shock value. So your biggest takeaway from is that I should have sexually harassed him. Yes. That was my takeaway. Just kind of like to like call him out, like to shock him back. Cause I think he was doing it for shock. So to shock him back and act like, let me ask you this. What if he would have been like, okay, let's go.

Well, I would have run away. I would have never actually done it. I just wanted to be a big talk. Right. In my mind. You know how those conversations happen after. See, I think it would have been more helpful to society at large had you called the police and said, there's a guy. I would just want to apologize to the listeners for all the gurgling. It's just super loud. Yes. I think that more appropriate thing would have been to get the tag out.

Call the police because what if this guy's like a rapist? What if he would be, would he be advertising? Not big on fighting crime. I'm not really, I mean, he was in his car. It's not like he hurt me or touched me or whatever. Just plus it would have made me late to my exercise class. So it's not me too. It's me one. Me one. Me first.

Well, today I want to talk about a subject that I think you and I have felt for a very long time. And I think a lot of people might feel this, but they are scared to say it.

Now I'm nervous. What are you going to say? Do you think toddlers are assholes? Of course toddlers are assholes. I think the parents that say their toddlers aren't assholes are the assholes. Okay. Funny you should say that. I hate people like that. Funny you should say that. I remember it was probably around 2007. Okay. You phoned me. I say, hello. You immediately say, Emily is such a fucking bitch. I cannot take it anymore. Which was true.

Who's Emily? Emily is my daughter, who's now almost 20. How old was Emily at the time of this phone call? She would have been five. It started way before that, though. She had a mean streak from the jump. No, she totally did. The biggest asshole toddler out of all five of our kids. Emily, for sure. For sure. I mean, it's not even close.

I remember a few things about Emily. So we're, remember we'd drive around, you had that white Suburban, which I affectionately referred to as the Petri dish. And it had all of our kids' car seats in it.

And we irritated the shit out of all of our fellow mom friends. They go to Target together. They take their kids to gymnastics together. They eat lunch together. Why do you give a shit? Why do you give a shit? You don't have to be around us. Right. That's a win-win for them. Yeah, really. They're the only people who can tolerate each other.

Everyone hates us so much. We all have each other. But we've got Dylan and Emily in the second row, and then the babies are in the back back. Sam was like in kindergarten or something at the time. And we pull up. I go in to get some stamps at the post office. You went into I Want Cards? Yeah. I come out. Dylan is bawling, crying. Stare. Yeah, so upset. You are dying laughing. Cannot breathe your laughing so hard. Dylan had said, where's my mommy? Where'd my mommy go? And Emily said...

Dylan, your mommy gone and she never coming back again. Anytime anything didn't go her way. I remember we're at a Mexican restaurant named Chica's. I think you had told her straighten it up. So then she would start crying. She cried.

And vomited. In that order. Always. Like she knew she was doing it. Always happened. So we're in this restaurant. It's a very small restaurant. We are the table that everybody fucking hates. Yes. Chips flying. Chips. Me and our five kids, which we always refer to her kids and my kids when we're together as our kids because we kind of raise them together. There were some respectable, civilized, dressed cute people in there. On a date. Yes. Yes. Yes.

And Emily starts in and it builds up to a projectile vomit. She starts the gagging and I go, don't you vomit. I will spank your bottom if you vomit. You're like, you are threatening her in front of a total restaurant full of people. And of course she did vomit right in the chip bowl. No, she vomited right in the chip bowl. And I'm just sitting there going, oh, mother fucker.

Fucker. I mean, and I remember the people looking around at us because I wanted to be them. I identify as them. I did not identify as them.

The out of control female with toddlers that you couldn't control that projectile vomit over a dining table. I didn't identify as a person that that could happen. I just want to say for the record, and I'm not trying to be a bitch or maybe I am. When I took my kids out, just the two of us, they didn't vomit on the table. Nobody ever vomited on the table. No, it was always Emily. She would go from zero to meltdown in about 20 seconds.

Glad those days are over. That's why I like teenagers better than toddlers. But this is why I think that people need to face it. Toddlers are assholes. Every time you're on a plane and somebody's kicking the back of your seat, who is it?

Who's doing it? I've had it with that. I've had it. Fucking had it. Had it overall with toddlers in general. I found this blogger. Okay. And she puts this blog post under the hashtag mothering with heart and joy. She has five nanny. Let me just do a slight dramatic reading here to let you know what we're up against.

So the main topic I have to talk about again is how we speak to our small children online. This is all caps. Cap lock, Donald Trump 2 a.m. style cap lock. She's mad about it. Stop calling your small children assholes. If you are a parent and call your small child any cruel name, off or online, trust me, they are not the asshole. You are.

Yes, you read that right. Caps lock. You are. She's just getting her toes wet. She says, last night before I went to bed, a friend showed me the latest funny viral photo that is making its rounds in the mummy community.

Okay, mummy as in British mother? Right, not zombies. Okay, got it. This photo is of a small child, I think is under two. This little child was asleep with a baby bottle of milk laying beside him. Over the top of him, one of his parents or caretakers had written, I'm an asshole today in wooden little play blocks.

I think that's hilarious. Right? I mean, high five to the parents that did it. The baby, first and foremost, can't read or get on the internet. So how all of a sudden it's a victim of its parents that just had to do all the shit you have to do with a baby all day. And none of this means you don't love your baby. I think they're venting online. Right. I think what this person needs is a part-time job. Richard, you've got a couple of kids, right? Yeah, I got two. Have you ever thought like, God, they're an asshole?

Yeah. Yeah. They're just into everything. It's a constant deal. You never get a break. I mean, for anybody to say that their kid's never an asshole just proves to me how blind they are. Here's what I think is a larger point of all of this.

When did this come about that we are supposed to get like bicycle pumps and just pump rainbows and green clovers and fucking unicorns up their ass 24-7, 365? I know it wasn't like that when we were young. Right. It was nothing like that. The...

culture that every child winners and losers don't matter every child that participates is recognized and afforded a trophy what did we get we got honorable mention honorable mention and that was only if you were it was like fourth or fifth place sometimes you do a science project and you'd get you wouldn't get anything am i not loud enough

Yeah. You didn't get shit. Right. If you lost something, you just lost. But I recall also like the time that you called me, I called you and I go, she's such a fucking bitch. And you go, who? And I said, Emily. And I think you busted out laughing. I did bust out laughing. Cause that's hilarious.

But I do remember, and I'm not trying to point fingers here. No. I would never. But I remember a time distinctly when your marriage was falling apart. And I mean, I mean, Titanic style fucking sink with an airplane. It was like a nuclear power plant meltdown. I mean, epic meltdown. But I remember you crying profusely.

On my front porch and audience, this has been like 15 years. I'm not trying to be that heartless because we're way past it. Right. But you were bawling, crying, and you said, my kids' lives are supposed to be perfect. You love jabbing that in. I just didn't understand where you thought that somebody's life was supposed to be perfect.

I remember the conversation. I can't deny it. But you at some point had this, I was the ringleader of the my kids' lives have to be perfect movement. Yes. Right, right. To the point of codependent enabler, all the letters. Right. How about at that same time, I remember crying to you, oh my gosh, blah, blah, blah, it's so terrible, but at least I have my kids. And if I remember correctly, you said, oh God, you would have had kids with somebody else. You'd love them just as much. Yeah.

I was like, it's kind of true. It's true. So it's like, you know, that's not really the silver lining you think it is. Empathy is not my strong suit at times. I'm not advocating to tell your kid that to the face it's an asshole unless they're over the age of 18. Right. I think that at 18, you can say quit being an asshole. Some parents are probably cringing right now, but I just think there's a normal...

that you can do that. Like I've heard you tell your kids. I've called both my boys a dick before. Listener, for this episode of I've Had It, we've partnered with eHarmony, the dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. Pops, what's going on out there on the dating apps? It's unbelievable how many people try to be something they're not on dating apps.

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I remember Dylan, my oldest son, had a kid over. You'll remember this story because I called you. He has a friend over. It's probably second or third grade. They want pizza. I order Domino's. The kid comes to me, the friend, not my kid, but the friend who's spending the night. They're probably like eight. Mrs. Welch, where did you order the pizza from? I said, Domino's.

He has a stage five meltdown that it's not Mazio's. I see. Starts banging my walls, freaking out. Like that child could have benefited from being told you're annoying. You cannot behave that way because nobody's ever said you're so annoying.

Stop it. Oh, my God. Is that bad? Yes. Okay, okay, okay. This podcast is going to tank. Will you take it away? Take it away. Watermelon seeds and pump down an iced tea. You guys shouldn't have come all the way from Los Angeles to do this. Kiss my fat ass.

We were like latchkey kids. Totally. And if I would have had my kids complain about what was being served to them at somebody else's house, I would be livid. Right. I mean, they would be in so much trouble. Right. I think that there is this movement in parenting where I think it started with you on my porch when your divorce was going south. I'm going to blame this whole movement on you when you said your kids' lives were supposed to be perfect. Right.

I infiltrated the rest of the world. You recant that right now? Well, yeah, obviously. I should have recanted it immediately. I think it starts with this generation with these fucking gender reveals. Oh my God.

The fetus, the feet. You're having a boy or a girl. Not a kangaroo. Not a giraffe. Nothing. It's one of two choices. Nobody's popping out a hippo. You're not the first one that's ever had one. You know, there's this praising of normal activity. Being good is praise. And so that's just what you're supposed to do. Okay. I have been hanging on to this for dear life. Okay. So while you were in Italy.

I go to a basketball game. One of my girlfriends is sitting there. She's got this real pretty pink top on. I'm like, oh my gosh, she looks so cute for a basketball game. She goes, well, I'm going to a baby shower after this. And I said, oh, okay. She goes, I had to go buy this shirt. And I said, why? She said,

Because the invitation said to wear pink because it's a girl. So now not only do we have to all praise you for having a boy or a girl, everybody has to go out and buy something new to go with the color. I mean, I think she should have called that person and said, listen to me, you little motherfucker. Nobody gives a flying fuck if it's a boy or a girl.

So why don't we just have cake and give you some presents? Why do we have to make this big of a deal? But I mean, just the entitlement to think that anybody else gives a shit what your kid's going to be outside of the grandparents and the parents. Again, it's not a giraffe. It's not, which would be a scientific miracle that should be celebrated. Yes. If there was interspecie birth giving, I mean, I'd be the first, I would have a whole episode on that. I would have a scientist in here that we'd interview. Yeah.

We get our guy, Neil.

Inside joke audience. I made Pops listen to a podcast the other day in preparation for this. And I said, which one did you listen to? And she said, oh, with that guest, Neil deGrasse Tyson. And she mispronounces everything. She's a goddamn redneck from Oklahoma. I am a small town girl. You are. You're an Oklahoma City girl. Yeah. Which is a city. Right. But it's like a small town. Right. A million people. Yeah. But I mean, I've

You're a redneck. I'm a redneck. Yeah. Loud and proud. But I... Okay, so back... The mother that had the shower where you had to dress cap it? That one. That one. Here's the deal with the baby showers. Number one, they're insufferable. The thank you notes, everything about it. Nobody really wants to go. No one wants to go. And then the circle jerk where everybody's sitting around in a circle and you pull out a onesie and everybody goes...

I mean, put a sock in it. Stop it. Nobody gives a shit. People have been breeding literally since the beginning of our species and other species have done it prior to us. And it's exciting. It is exciting. I think baby showers, they need to be...

I think sometimes you need to take into account the feelings of the guest. It's a very exciting time and people are like 15 minutes worth of excited, but they don't want to spend two hours on a Saturday being excited about somebody else's wedding or birthday. So a hundred percent, you're not taking into the account of your guest. Particularly a baby shower. Cause I mean, I remember a friend had a baby shower for Josh and me when I was pregnant with Dylan. It was a couple's baby shower, which is better. A hundred percent better. I'm eight months pregnant.

fatter than a goddamn pig. I have to socialize and everybody is completely hammered. And the only way that drunk people are tolerable is if you're drunk. You have to be drunk with the drunk people. Otherwise, you don't want to be around drunk people. So at every turn, I see that probably the biggest problem

gift that a person that's pregnant could give to those that love them is just to say in lieu of torturing you with a circle jerk of opening up one seat diapers booties car seats we all know what the gifts are going to be right nobody's popping out a hooker and some cocaine that's

That's not happening at the baby shower, which would be really interesting. Be different. That doesn't happen. Right. And so I think you just say in lieu of, you know, having hosting the baby shower circle jerk, I'm registered here. Send a gift. Send a gift. And I would probably.

And appoint that person for a Nobel Peace Prize. I mean, truly, I think it could really solve a lot of problems. Well, what you've got is people who, like, we're in the age now where we're going to graduations. Right. But there's a time in your life where all you're doing every weekend is going to a wedding.

Because that's where you are in your life. And then all you're doing is going to baby showers. So it's like, if they gave you a wedding shower, you have to give them a wedding shower, baby shower. It just, the list goes on and on and on. It is. It is a tit for tat. Fortress events. But the number one most obnoxious thing about the whole thing is the gender reveal party. We are going to elaborate on this in another episode.

If anybody even listens to this one, because I know everybody's glued to their seeds about how pubs had it with watermelons. Seeds. Seeds in a watermelon. Do you guys, I mean, would that be something that you would have it with if you bought a watermelon with seeds in it? I think it's kind of expected. I mean, yes. Watermelons have seeds. Apples have seeds. I know, but they now, like that's the first watermelon I bought in like two years that had seeds. Yeah.

So once you discovered the watermelon had seeds, what'd you do? I threw it away. And you ate a? Pineapple. Tell the listener about what your theory is about pineapples. Okay. I've always heard that pineapples are the universal sign that you want to be a swinger. What did you think when you first found out about the swingers?

I mean, I was shocked. Yeah, it's shocking. It's pretty shocking. Yeah. And then, of course, I immediately think, what if the wife's beautiful so your husband's all in and the husband's a complete fucking dog that you get stuck with? Yeah.

I mean, that would be kind of my one and two. Okay. So let me, cause I, this is the first time I ever heard this, that the pineapple. I think everybody except you knows that. Nellie, Nellie, pineapple, international sign of swingers. Yes or no. First heard it. Are you known it your whole life? First time hearing it. Okay. Jen Morton. Zip it. Richard.

I hate to say it, but I have to go with pumps. You knew? Yes. Yes. Are you a swinger? I'm not. Okay, bye. But you have to be leery. Like, if they got pineapples in their house and pitchers and all that stuff, you got to be like, okay, let's not drink too much. Right. Because they may be wanting to kick it. Yeah. So, okay. All right. So if you came over to my house, if Josh and I were having a little shindig,

And let's say we were serving pineapple drinks, a little pineapple appetizer, and had maybe some pineapple accessories. You'd immediately go, these two are swingers. Is this an aggressive way of asking? Are you trying to hit on me with your serving pineapple, pineapple drinks, and pineapple paraphernalia? I don't like to jump in. We have a couple. Let's say our names.

They have pineapples all over the house. All right. Stop. Several questions. Several questions. I am shocked. And they are. Heterosexual. And they are swingers. And they are. Nailed it. It is true. Look at you. Help culture. That's my drive down the street. Beat off to you. You absolutely are not victimized by it. Goddamn slut. I am so shocked right now.

Okay, so wait. So these people, are they boy, girl? Husband, wife. Husband, wife. Legally married. Legally married. Pineapples out the wazoo. Pineapples everywhere. The swinging is new. The swinging is new. Did the pineapples in the house predate the announcement to you all of the swinging? Yes, correct. So it was going on behind your back. It was just new to you all. Yeah. If the pineapples were there... No, she would have told me. According to pumps...

Maybe they were just, they had already outed themselves to the world. It's like a secret group. Yeah. You think swingers were assholes when they were toddlers? I don't know. No, I don't think so. I think they were probably good sharers. What adults, like a famous adult right now, are you like 100% was an asshole as a toddler? Oh God, Larry David, of course.

I mean, don't you think he was just an obstinate child? No, I think he was probably perfect. You do? Yeah. I love, I'm not going to tolerate any sort of child abuse. No, I know. Towards Larry David, first and foremost. All our kids were assholes and we love them and think they're great. They're awesome. I think it would have made him a better toddler if he had that smart ass. Probably not a great teenager though.

Yeah. I do remember though, if you don't have kids and somebody wants to talk about their kids all the time or they bring their kid, that's a huge violation is when you're having an adult night and they bring their kid and the whole complexion of the night changes. It's a huge violation. When somebody waltzes in, we had a pool party not long ago. Some friends that we invited texted and said,

Can we bring such and such and such and such, which were their kids, because it was like a divorce situation. I just said, no, do not come. Do not bring your kids. I am at the stage in my life where if I'm going to be around kids, they're going to be my kids, your kids or kids that I shared DNA with.

Josh and I recently went over to some friend's house. We did not want to stay. And I flat out told them, like, I don't think we're going to stay for dinner. We're already starving. You guys eat late. We played tennis for two hours. I do not think that I can stay at this party. And Josh looked at them and he goes, and we've got to get home to our dogs. Yeah.

I think it's better to say we just don't want to stay. I've decided just to be honest. I was invited by these people to go to a dinner. I was going to be in Italy and there are some people I do business with, they're Brazilians. They make these beautiful cabinets and they said,

we're going to send a car to pick you and Josh up to come to our dinner in Milan. And I was at Lake Como. It's only like 30 minutes away. So I was like, oh, that sounds great. I told Josh, yeah, we're going to go to this bougie, like, you know, dinner in Milan. So this gal sends the invitation over and it says that the dinner starts at nine. Oh no, we're asleep by nine. I didn't even try to come up with any excuse. I said, reply all.

Dear such and such, thank you so, so much for the invitation. However, that is past my bedtime.

And I have to get to bed early that night because I have tennis lessons the very next morning. I hope your event is a great success. I'm just, I'm done. I'm not even going to make up shit anymore. I think we're to the point in our life. I think we can just say, thank you so much for the invite. I simply don't want to come to your party. Right. But I will say, as we both hate group texters and people that abuse it, the reply all was kind of a little bit of an abuse because nobody else on the invitation list gives a fuck if you're coming or not.

That could have gone straight to the hostess. No, they were all, they were a business of people that hosted the event. Oh, okay. So it wasn't just the hostess. Okay. I thought you were making everybody on the invite list suffer whether or not you were coming or not, which they don't care if you're coming or not. So let me ask you this. Do you think our kids are humiliated by this episode where we say that for sure when our kids were little,

They were assholes. I don't know, because my kids already know. I've told them. Because they've asked me, if we went back in time, would you want to do that over again? I'm like, absolutely not. I wouldn't. But I don't ever want to go back to that little bitty baby stage, the toddler where you have to do everything for them, cut up their food. And, you know, I was that stupid mother that said, everything I said I wouldn't do as a mother, I did. So I was the number one. They're going to eat what I fix. Like, if I make it, they're going to eat it by God.

And I remember one night I had macaroni and cheese going, mashed potatoes going, and rice going because everybody wanted something else. And I thought, who's the fucking problem here? Me. Yeah. I think mostly kids are normal if they're assholes. I think the problem is the parents are really the assholes. Right. I think being a toddler and being an asshole are synonymous. Totally. Yes. Totally. I think parents pointing it out.

to other parents or putting the blocks online is just totally normal because your life has been hijacked. Totally. And the part of it is beautiful and awesome and amazing. And you feel this love that you've never felt before. But this other part is like,

Oh, my God. It's a total grind. And I think that we have to be able to tell our friends, my kid was being an asshole today. Because there's some camaraderie. Right. Misery loves company. Absolutely. Misery loves company. There's this expectation that's put on parents that you're supposed to say 24-7, 365, 24

Being a parent is awesome. It's the best thing that ever happened to me. I think people have forgotten that you can have compound feelings. Right. You can have two feelings at the same time. This is the very best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. But the day that Emily vomited in Chica's Mexican restaurant, Project Dial, and everybody looked at us.

That was one of the worst days. Right. It was awful. Right. We could not get them to bed quick enough. That's why I've always like, I'm pretty lax about all the rules, except eight o'clock bedtime. I mean, eight o'clock bedtime at my house when the kids were little was like militant. It was like military time. And everyone's like, oh my gosh, you do so good with bedtime. And I'm like,

That's because I'd go crazy if they were up for two more hours. I mean, their bedtime is for me. I have a question. So if Jen and I have a child, we can't come over for a pool party with our child? If somebody says we're having some other couples over for an adult pool party and you show up with a baby, I not only don't think you should come to my party, but I don't want you producing the podcast. I don't want you to be my friend. Nobody that.

I'll tell you what I've had it with. Let's hear it. Had it with that. I've had it. Had it. Had it. Had it. All I can say about that is I've had it.