Soaked in the Devil with Zachariah Porter
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So are we supposed to start the podcast? All right. One, two, three.

Unbelievable. I think it helps when I don't look at my hand. It's like you were born to podcast. It's like I was born to clap. I'm serious. It's unbelievable how you just consistently deliver that sound. Not always. I mean, you're really fighting like a lot of boobs to make that happen. You're at war with the sagging dragons. I have some geographical issues. Every Tuesday and Thursday, you fucking deliver. Yes. Well, I do my best.

Listener, today is a fantastic day. We have a guest that has traveled a very long distance to Oklahoma City to be with us. So I want to welcome you to I've Had It, a podcast about positivity and being a better person. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She's the star of our show. And today, Zachariah Porter is joining us all the way from New York City.

He is the star of Camp Counselor podcast. He is a comedian. His Instagram and TikTok are LOL, fall down. You cannot wrap your head around how funny this man is. And he has traveled this far because he wants to sit in the same room as royalty. Isn't that right? It's so true to see the clap live that I've heard so many times. It took my breath away.

I'm still collecting myself. So if I'm a little, you know why. Yeah. I mean, it's unbelievable. And then when you see the Sagan dragons in real time. Right. Listen, the Princess Diana of podcasting, it really is true. I'm honored to be here in royalty. We're so glad you came. Well, thank you. I love Oklahoma City. I was just telling you guys off camera, it is just so incredibly hot here for anyone that

I don't know. He adverse like I am a little difficult. Yeah. But the HVAC in the city is top tier. So congratulations to all the HVAC people here. I think the HVAC is so successful. Otherwise, the homicide rate would be astronomical. Understandable. You know, and there would be rioting and things so that, you know, it's like also here. Nobody's very environmentally friendly. So like fucking let that CO2 go. Right. You know what I mean? This is oil and gas country. So everybody's just like fucking let it rid it.

Let it rip. And nobody get butt hurt. I think we need to save the planet. Don't. And that's a trigger warning. We can laugh about that. Exactly. Everybody lighten up already. This is the podcast world. I've had it. I've had it. Everybody is takes. There are so many people that take what we say seriously. Of course. And this entire podcast is basically satire. And it's just bitching at this point. All right. Totally. And I think bitching is healthy. Bitching is necessary. And the people who don't bitch, I don't trust. I agree.

Exactly. Because then you're not bitching in front of me and then you're bitching about me. And now we're not on the same bitch page. I'm not doing it. Everybody who acts like, oh, my life is so great. Everything's so perfect. I'm like, I don't trust you as far as I can pick you up and throw you. Exactly. And then you're not even a fun person either. What do we have to talk about at this point? Yeah. No. And then those people, if you notice like Stepford wife, like people, you meet them and they have this veneer and then you can, you've known them for 10 years and

And you never know them better from the first 10 minutes than 10 years later. There's nothing behind it. Yeah. Nothing. That's such a weird kind of way to live your life too. It's like so inauthentic or unauthentic. And I just think like, that's not the kind of person I want to surround myself with. I want to be at a local dive bar with a woman who has a cigarette in her mouth and she's got a lot to tell.

Totally. Those are my people, you know? Same. I want somebody who has experienced suffering and owned it and become a better person because of it. Because everybody experiences suffering. It's what do you do with it once you experience it? Do you deny it and act like a robot and then judge everybody who bitches from time to time? Or do you dig deeper and become a better person and a more fun person who's completely content with bitching? Yeah.

I love how we've started this so motivational. Totally. To the listeners out there, like, congrats. You guys are really strapped in for a great episode. This is going to be good. One million percent. So in staying on brand, Zachariah, please tell us what you've had it with. I've had it with everything. But what I'm really having with it right now is it's wedding culture in general. Yeah.

So I'm 28 years old. So I'm at this point in my life where everyone's either pushing out a baby or popping a ring on their finger. And I love it. And I love these celebrations. I don't love the commitments that come with people's choices that don't affect me. I'm being asked to show up to party after party, event after event with an expensive gift. That's the rub. These registries are getting really insane.

Oh, yeah. And I love it. It's chic to go through. But then I'm looking at it. I'm like, okay, well, you got engaged to the engagement party. And then we have the bridal party. And then we have the bachelorette trip and then the wedding because you have to get a gift for everything. Plus with the babies, there's just so many gifts that come with people's decisions that don't have anything to do with me. Right. I love to celebrate. But you know, does that make sense? It totally makes sense. And I feel like

I feel like the wedding thing is blowing up even more. And at some point, somebody needs to start waving a red flag and saying, here's the deal. It's not as good as you think it is. I mean, these girls and guys need to be warned. I think it was comedian Chris Rock that said one time, I don't know why everybody's upset about gay marriage. Let them have a crack at it. It's not that great. Maybe they'll be better at it. And it's like, okay, fine.

let's calm down a little bit about this and let's realize like you're going to get in this marriage and whatever broken pieces you have from your childhood and everybody's fucking got them. And then whatever broken pieces your spouse has, that's all going to play out in that marriage. It's all going to play out. And you're going to look at your spouse sometimes and love them, want to jump their bones, have a blast, hold their hand, feel romantic, feel camaraderie. And other days you're going to look at them and think, okay,

If I Google how to slowly kill somebody, will the FBI find out? Right. And they will. And they will find out. They will. They will. Because I watched Dateline. Yeah. And they found out on Dateline. They found out on Dateline. Keith Morrison, the guy that hosts Dateline, he gets the bottom of everything, Zachariah. I love that. No, I just feel like weddings, that whole story, that whole life story for people, it just used to feel a little bit more intimate and a little bit more between the two people. And now it's such a public display of- Yeah.

What did I do better than my friend on Instagram? And it doesn't seem as authentic anymore. And it's just so over the top public that I'm like, why am I so wrapped up in this? I'm just a guest here. Right. I'm a friend. Right. You know, when I get married one day, God willing, I'm not inviting anybody. All right. My aunts and uncles, I only see on Christmas. You're not getting an invite to this wedding. Okay. Right. There's going to be 10 people there. Yeah. Half of them are going to be animals. Okay. Yeah. Justice of the peace. Yeah.

And nobody else. Okay. I just, I, I've bitched about this so publicly to my friends too lately. I'm like, you know what? I'm keeping it real small, real tight, you know? Right. Let's talk about this component of wedding culture. And it is the circle jerk that are reception toasts about like,

I hope that you have had as much joy and love that your father and I have had. And we have been so happy. And they paint this rosy picture before this couple just immediately walks into this, you know, there's trappings to marriage. You know, and everybody feels it to some extent. And those of you out there that want to type in the comment section, I've been happily married for 21 years and I've never disliked my husband. Fuck off.

Yeah. I've been in a relationship for three years and we just like each other every other week, but that's what life is. That is right. Totally. It flows. Totally. And in like, in knowing that, like if you have an awareness, like my husband's bothering me this week, but I could be the problem. Right. And once you realize that, that maybe you're projecting that it's not him, maybe it's you and you start growing more as a person, but we have to talk, let's talk about the circle jerk

Yeah, it really is. And I love when the maid of honor gives a really emotional speech and it seems really prepared. And I'm like, OK, that was giving. I like that. And then we have then we have like the best man come up and, you know, he didn't write it. He didn't write a damn thing. And he's just embarrassing himself up there.

Drunk. Drunk. Completely shit face. And then you're watching and you're like, this is just so incredibly, it's so uncomfortable for us all to watch. And then we have the parents and then the side parents and the families. It's just, it's so, it doesn't seem genuine to me. It doesn't. And what about the people who start humble bragging in their toast and making a speech passive aggressively about them?

Oh, that's a really bad way to live your entire life. Yes. Turn it back on yourself. Y'all have experienced this, right? Yes. And I hate people like that. Wedding, baby shower, whatever on earth. I don't want to be around a humblebragger. Yeah. It's rampant insecurity. They don't even know it either. You can tell. No. Right over their head. Breathtaking lack of self-awareness as they're doing. It's like, I knew when I first met John that Jane would be the perfect spouse. So I set them up.

And much to my surprise, they fell madly in love. Who knew I was such a great matchmaker? Right.

And they're sitting there and they're like, you know what? For all the breakfasts that you made us on the couch, I didn't like you initially. But now coming to know, it's just, it's so self-soaked and like, I don't know, their own selves where it's like, this isn't even about, who is this wedding about now? It feels like everybody's taking a turn, taking a moment in the spotlight here. It just doesn't seem like it's supposed to be that way. Sometimes I feel this, and I'm sure everybody's going to fucking explode in the comment section, but I have to say it.

Say it. Sometimes I feel like weddings are selfish. Yeah. No, it is. It's completely selfish. And then everybody gets drug in and it's like in the bride and groomer, this is our day. This is our day. God damn it. And then we're all like, you know, at some destination, you got to go to some rat trap welcome party. You're on their itinerary and you traveled that far. And sometimes I just feel like they're selfish and that could probably

be about me everybody because I'm agoraphobic and I don't like to leave my house okay right so it's about you then right there probably yeah but I've still had it and I think they're selfish for the permanent record Kylie this is your show exactly well and I agree with the same concept is like you have to have a photographer when you're get when you get engaged everybody has to make a production for Instagram yeah and then you go to all the showers same thing

And then you go, you know, get the dress. So you have all the bridesmaids getting the dress together. We have to post that on Instagram. It's become more of a social media. A lot of forced gatherings. And I don't like to be forced to gather. I don't either that much. What about the bride? Who's going to use those like wedding photos for the next 12 years on Instagram? Yes. I just want to post it one more time for my bestie throwing it back to the best day of my life.

Girl, get real here. I can't do it. What about happy Father's Day to my dad and it's on the wedding day. Right. And they just recalculate those over and over and over. Because, I mean, it's like, is that peak? Like if you're still, if you're married 10 years and you're still posting your wedding photos, to me, and I am a non-licensed psychiatrist and psychologist. Yep. But you play one on a podcast. Yes. Yes.

For me, that makes me think they're thinking about happier times in the marriage versus the current state. That's just a little Freudian analysis I'm throwing in for free for the listener. I think it's because they had their hair and makeup done and they were thinner.

I think it's strict vanity. Yeah, that's just kind of goes hand in hand with the people who are like obsessed with their high school years. It's like the glory days should always be kind of like, I don't know. I'm always like pushing for more of like what I want, you know, and I don't I don't love to look back like that. And some people are going to continue to look back on their wedding day. Is there like ultimate moment? Step into a world of nonstop action on DraftKings Casino. Play the classics like blackjack, roulette and slots. Plus enjoy exclusive games you can't find anywhere else.

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Okay, you do on your Instagram some impersonations of an East Coast overbearing mother. Yes. And Pumps hasn't seen this. Would you please impersonate a mom getting her daughter ready to, you know, back in the bridal suite before she's going to walk down the aisle before the wedding? Yeah. Can you just free ball it and do it? Usually I have a wig on to really soak me into the character here. Right. But she'd walk in and she'd say, you know what, honey?

Our relationship wasn't the best, me and your father. And that's why he's not here today. But you, you could be so much better than we ever were. Okay? So I'm going to go get some dunks for us. Ice coffee for you. And this is going to be a good day. Just look pretty. Suck it in. Suck it in. And honestly, good life advice. Always suck it in in a photo. Always suck it in in a photo. Last time I sucked it in for a photo with a couple girls. And I'm thinking about it right now. I'm like, God. Okay.

Oh, the shirt was tight. It was snug. I didn't suck it in. I'll pay for that on that tag photo later. My husband gets tortured by stuff like this. Yeah. Like if there's a photo taken and he feels like there's a slight look of a man boob or he just, I mean, he'll let me see that again. And he'll be like,

Oh, God, please don't post it. And naturally, I immediately pop it up on my story. Yeah. Humble him, you know? Totally. I love your accent. Your New York mother accent. It's fantastic. So it's everyone thinks it's New York. I'm from Massachusetts. And that's the accent there. In Massachusetts. And I was just raised by women always around women my entire life. And that's why I play so many like women characters. Yeah. Because I just I enjoy that presence. I love the female presence.

Oh, totally. And I mean, when you, listener, if you go to his Instagram and TikTok, I mean, you just, you will not stop laughing. It's that type of content. And it's so relatable because even though our moms would speak in a Southern accent, a mom is a mom, that kind of interpersonal relationship and you just nail it. Thank you.

Thank you. What other dead horses do you want to drag out and beat? I mean, I think we have murdered weddings. Yeah, we hit it. So this is another one for me. It's customers that go in and they treat restaurant workers with disrespect. And it's like, and it's so, so I was actually at a breakfast place this morning and the sign said, I was in Oklahoma, the sign said it was like, oh, like basically like be patient because the world is short staff. So just like be kind.

Do you know what I mean? I'm like, the fact that we have to remind grown adults with a preschool sign is unbelievable to me. It's crazy. What do you think in particular about people that order an item and maybe the restaurant slammed and the item comes out and it's not exactly correct and they immediately move

motion for the waiter to come over and send it back to the kitchen. What do you think about those kinds of people, Zachariah? If it's an allergy, I understand. If it's not an allergy, just suck it up and eat it, okay? Because this public display of just insanity is a little embarrassing. Exactly.

I worked in the restaurants for eight years. I did too. There's a way to do it. And there's a way to get what you ordered. Right. I understand that. But it's just when people like, I don't know, lead with disrespect. It's embarrassing. Okay. First of all, she's talking about me. What did you do? Just tell us. I'm really bad about like if my order's not right. But I also was a server forever and ever. So you said it right. I never blame the staff. I'm like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

This is not right. I know it wasn't you. I know it was something that's no big deal. I'm so nice. We can call 10 of my friends right now. Let's call your kids. Let's call your kids. I want to phone a friend. I want to phone a kid. I want to phone a kid. And I guarantee you these kids would say, how many times have you left a restaurant or a waiter walked away from the table and your kids have said to you, mom, quit being rude. Tell the truth. Well, they don't say rude. They're just stop acting that way. How many times you're not answering?

A lot. Yeah. A lot. But I'm really nice about it. Yeah. If you're nice, I understand. I'm nice about it. And if it's just a little like I got sausage instead of bacon with my breakfast order, that's fine. But when it's like I said no A, B, C, and D, and I got A, B, C, and D, I'll be like, hey, this is wrong if I can't like peel it off or whatever. But I'm nice about it. That's okay. Well, what about this, right? So I worked at an Olive Garden. Yeah.

Okay. For five years. And that's an absolute hell of a job. I was a hostess at an Olive Garden when I was 16 years old. So you're already aware. From the pasta we make to lasagna we bake. We're wishing you a happy birthday. How did the song go? That wasn't our song. That was not our song. That was ours. But this was like 19...

90 oh you got the classic hits back then oh it was just happy birthday that's it yeah it was just the class you didn't do the olive garden like no and I think that really would have set me over the edge that would have been like I was I was into it yeah I was 16 years old it's one of my first jobs I was a hostess I didn't ever complicate it I was a

efficient yeah i was good at seating people i worked on not double seating i took a lot of pride in you smell like garlic all the fucking time yeah the shirts are so okay so go on no i would just i would have like parents bringing their kids in and the kids would throw mountains of food on the floor and then they'd look at you and they'd be like oh my god how crazy so so sorry and they'd walk out and they didn't pick it up no and like if it's if it's crumbs this is whatever but this was

pounds of spaghetti. And I think it just has this trend where people are going to restaurants and like completely clocking out of being a human being. Right. And just abusing staff. And I've had it. It's so embarrassing. And now I'm at the other side of it where I don't work in a restaurant, but I go out with people when I see like other people, I don't know, snappy like this, that and they're or they're a mess. It just these are people, you know what I mean? Right. Tip well, be polite and just relax. OK, you're not cooking. I always tip.

Good. I do too. Especially if I send back. All can be forgiven with a tip. Yes. And we need to inject into here that these waiters make like $2 an hour. Right. Yep. And our governments have done nothing about paying people a livable wage. And it's corporate exploitation on us, the consumer, but it is what it is for right now. And people are just hustling. I waited tables. You waited tables. You waited tables. Kylie, did you wait tables? Never.

Oh my gosh. I think it's a great job. It's a great job. It's great money too. Yeah, it is great money, but you have to tip people. Even if I have a total bitch of a waitress or a complete asshole, I still tip well because I think, I don't know what's going on in their life. Right.

They're broken. They're having a bad day. I still minimum 20%. And that's good. That's the way to live for sure. You know, when you waited tables and I guess you probably waited tables on the East coast, but I always like to ask this question because I know what the answer is. You know what the answer is. The worst tippers, any shift, uh,

what day of the week, a.m. or p.m. shift? I don't know. What were you going to say? Tell me. Church crowd. It's Sunday morning. Oh, my God. Sunday morning church. Not you worshiping to the Lord and then coming to berate me on the lunch shift. They were the rudest. Unbelievable. The worst. The worst tippers. Oh, I know. The biggest dicks on the planet. Dressed in pastel. Totally. Soaked in the devil, honestly. Just kidding.

Terrible people, for sure. Terrible. I know. And then I got this a couple of times. I'm not joking. I would get a tip, too. I'm not going to lie about it. But I get a fake dollar that was like a Jesus dollar. And I'm looking at it. I'm like, what is it? A $1? I'm like, oh, no. They wrote on the credit card, but this is a pamphlet for me to go to their church. Yeah.

It tips 15%. You know what I mean? Oh my God. I couldn't believe it. The proselytizing is out of control. Now that you're saying it, you're right. The after church crowd is crazy. They were the worst. And they mob at the same time. I remember I would work a shift and I would get like, I worked three or four hours and they would tip like $2 here, a dollar there. And they'd write like, you know, sign their credit card and put Psalms and put some Bible verse with it.

With a $1.50 tip and I'd go home and I'm like, I didn't even make minimum wage. Like I literally, after I tipped out the best boy, tipped out the bartender, I'm walking home with like $25. And I'm just like, I hate these people. I know. Terrible.

Are you too young to remember the smoking section inside restaurants? When I was a little kid, my Nana would take me out and she always wanted to sit in the smoking section. But at that point, they were already moving that out. Yeah. So I don't, that's, I love to go to like a casino now because I have a drink at a bar and smoke a cigarette. And I'm like, this is how the way life was supposed to be lived.

For sure. We used to fight over who got the smoking section because the smokers and the drinkers, they always were in the smoking section. Yeah. They always tipped great. Always tipped better. I bet. Yeah. Because those people, they're out and about. This is a little treat for them. They're always there. You want to hear something that's a total trip? What? We used to take flights. Imagine being on an airplane and there was a smoking and non-smoking section in first class. Yes.

How are you separating that? There's not the first three seats row one, two, and three were non-smoking. Okay. Four, five, and six were smoking. Ripping them. Right. Total. I mean, double shot, triple shot, fucking go ripping through them. And then you'd go to coach and it would be the first, let's say there's, you know, 50 rows. The first 25 were smoking, um,

The last were none. And everybody just, I remember I went to Japan when I was like 19 years old, smoked cigarettes, went with my friend Kazue. She's this Japanese girl that I went to college with. She was an exchange student.

And so this is long flight. We get hammered on the flight and chain smoke. I managed to smoke two packs of cigarettes and the ashtray was in the arm rest. So you'd flip this thing open. You're just smoking on the airplane. It's the best. It's the best. Well, you were so bored too. You're on a flight. That's exactly. What else do you have to do but drink and smoke? Drink and smoke. Bring it back. Hey, can we bring it back, Delta? Come on. Yeah.

Stay playful, Delta. It's so funny, though, because when you think about it, it always smelled like cigarette smoke. There was no ventilation difference. Oh, those poor people who didn't smoke. Oh, don't you know they hated us? That Sunday brunch crowd, they were madder than hornets on planes, too, I bet. That's funny, though. I wish it was still like that a little bit. Did you smoke? I did, because it was restaurants. I smoked for like 10 years. I started smoking because I had a crush on a boy that smoked. Oh, that's so cute.

It is cute until you're like, wait, I'm ruining my lungs now for a band that I'm not even with anymore. Let me ask you this. What was your favorite Sig of the day?

My favorite cigarette of the day was a night cigarette. Maybe after I ate or after I drank. A drunk cigarette still to this day. You could catch me in one. A drunk cigarette. I quit drinking because I can't smoke anymore. Right. It's also because my husband's a recovering alcoholic and that's a way for me to support him. But also, I can't have a drink without a cigarette. Were you guys morning smokers? Yes. Fuck yes. You were? That first cup of coffee smoke was my favorite. Set the tone. Yeah.

Okay, Zachariah, what else? What other whores do we have to drag out and beat? So how do I phrase this? There is an epidemic going on in this country right now, and it is the destruction of public restrooms. And there are people here that I think are domestic terrorists. I completely agree.

completely agree with you. Have you ever gone to the bathroom in a Marshalls or a Target and walked in there and said, what the hell is happening here? Yes, I have. It is so vulgar. It is so disgusting. And I think we should be prosecuting these people to the fullest extent of the law. So I have a plan.

I think we should hire some sort of state officials here. Okay. We all pay enough taxes here. Get somebody on the ground here and have them checking bathrooms and identifying who these people are to make sure that the rest of us can live our lives in peace. Boots on the ground. Boots on the ground. Yes. Figure out these menaces and just, we need to fix this. I have an idea. What is it? Okay. We have this bathroom marshal. Marshal. Marshal. We have the bathroom marshal at the door. Okay. Okay.

you have to show him your bathroom app you know how uber gives you five stars and you rate the driver driver five stars yes so he looks at your app okay if you have below four stars no soup for you go to this 7-eleven you cannot use this potty yeah the

The marshal then will, if you have four or above, he'll escort you to your toilet and say, once you flush, please open the door and I will come get you to do an inspection. And there also needs to be a sink inspection because let me tell you what else fucking really checks. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. You wash your hands. The water goes everywhere. You go ahead and you go over and you get a towel, right? Sometimes it's the air blower, but some places still have the like towels. Right.

When you get the towel, go ahead and do a wipe down on the sink. Get that extra water off of there. Yeah. Even go ahead and get the faucet head. I mean, just go and shine that shit up. Just takes two extra seconds. It's a team effort, everybody. Do your part. Yeah. So true. It's a team effort. Let me tell you what you haven't had to deal with in the women's restrooms. Let's hear it.

tampons and maxi pads. Oh, what's happening? Just let me know what's happening over here. I mean, sometimes you walk in and there's blood on a toilet seat. Yeah. A tampon that's not flushed. It looks like a murder scene. So how did that person get up and just say, you know what? I'm good with this. I know. That's what I don't get. Like people that like,

like poop in public and don't flush it. I'm like, what the fuck is going on that you think anybody wants to see that? And then maybe they want you to see it. You just never know. That's what it is. This is an epidemic. Shit exhibitionists? Yes. We have pooping exhibitionists? I think we do. Yeah, and they're at the Marshalls. They're at the Target.

They're everywhere. I'm going to tell you something, listener. If you were a shit exhibitionist, you're banned from I've Had It podcast and Camp Counselor podcast. We are both uniting on this cause. Statistically, there's one of you out there, and this is your come to Jesus moment. Fix the behavior.

flush the fucking toilet. It's not hard. Let's talk about some steps that people can take. Okay. So you walk into a restroom. Here's what I do. Yeah. I go ahead cause I have to sit. So I go ahead and take toilet paper down and I do a wipe down of the seat and I still don't sit on the seat, but usually there's pee spots on it and I wipe it down before I pee. I hover and I bounce out an eight count as I pee and I say five, six, seven, eight, and I'm peeing one,

to Tom done. I get more tissue wipe. Then I get another fresh tissue, wipe the seat down, reach up, flush the toilet with my foot out, wash my hands. If paper towels are available, do a wipe down of the sink and exit the bathroom. That's a perfect plan. That was the perfect plan. And I also love the, like the core workout and glute and hamstring and quad. That's it. That's amazing. And I, you, if you ate counted out,

Now, Pops bareback toilets. I bareback toilets. I just don't – I'm not a germaphobe at all. No. I mean, if there's like tinkle or something, then I'll have her. But normally, I just flop down. Yeah, and that's okay. You know what? Listen, we've made it this far. If that's what's going to take you out –

So be it. Well, in the men's room, we have the urinal. And that's what's so shocking to me because it's just a big old hole in the wall. Yeah. How are we missing this thing? But I have noticed that some bars put these little stickers in the urinals. It'll be like a little fly or a little blue dot. And it will prevent people from pissing on the floor because now we've created a game for the men. Yeah.

Right. Oh, I got to hit that thing. That's kind of brilliant. It's a little sticker and we've solved it because that's how simple men can be sometimes. A little blue dot on a urinal and we have an activity. I have a lot of questions about the urinals. Yeah, let's hear it. Okay, because I've never obviously peed in a urinal. So as a man...

You go into the urinal and let's say like a super hot guys next to you. Yeah. Do you side eye the dick? No, I don't because I'm a five foot nine gay man. If I do anything inappropriate, someone could swing at me and I'd be on the floor. You know what I mean? But I don't do it. No, I don't know. I guess some people do. Well, that's how some people hook up in this culture here. Right. I mean, OK, my question is, well, if you don't side eye the dick. But OK, so you're walking through and you see somebody and you notice they have a huge penis.

Can you look? Well, yeah, your eyes are going to wander. So this happens to it at old at old baseball games. I don't know if you guys know this, but I'm a huge sports fan. I'm joking. I'm literally not. Some of these old baseball fields, they have these like troughs. Yes. So people are just whipping them out. Yes. And then, hey, you're going to see what you're going to see. And I'll tell you this nine out of 10 times. It's not what you want. No, it's not.

Horrifying. It's not. The off-scale ratio with men and dick size is really more epidemic than anything we've talked about. Yep. Big men with small penises. Small men with big penises. Well, the man that's going to show you what he's got is not the man that you want to see. That's right. You might be too young to remember this, but this is one of my favorite political scandals of all time. It was a senator named Senator Larry Craig.

And he was a senator of some mountain state. I think it's like Wyoming or Utah. Anyway, he is in like the Detroit and I might get the details of the airport wrong. It's been many years. He is a United States senator and he's traveling like either through Minneapolis or Detroit, somewhere around where all the lakes are. Right.

And I guess there had been all this talk on some online thing that this one stall at this one men's restroom, you can do some gay stuff at the airport. Okay. Yeah. So this U.S. Senator, sitting U.S. Senator said,

And the sign was you sit down at the stall and then you tap your foot over to the next one. And then the guy there knows that you're there because you've seen the site and y'all can do gay stuff. Okay. So he's doing the tap stuff and then the guy taps back and then he starts tapping more. Well, then the guy comes over and it's like busted federal agent. Okay.

It was a sting operation. And of course, this guy had been voting against... This was before the Supreme Court voted to make gay marriage legal. So he had voted for all this anti-gay stuff. He was a huge Bible thumper. You know, the whole pedigree that you have for...

you know, closet gay sex with white men. Right. He was constantly on TV, constantly in the paper, you know, the evils of homosexuality, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Super homophobic. Total homophobe. Yeah. Isn't that so weird how it always ends up being those people? And it's like not, I haven't heard that story like specifically, but I've heard this story with government officials being on Grindr or hooking up on the low. And then their like political agenda is just so homophobic, but I just don't understand it.

It's like, what are we compensating for here? So now I meet people or I find out who's super homophobic. Now that's my instant thought process because like history shows that, okay, well, you're repressing something here. And it's embarrassing. At an airport as a senator, hire somebody. There's people, there's...

I'm like, if you want to have sex. I mean, Lindsey Graham seems to have kept it pretty private to date. There was that whole ladybug thing on the Internet there for a while, but that thing got squashed out. I mean, I don't listen. I mean, it's no secret to our listeners that I don't particularly care for Republicans or Republican policies. But I mean, an airport. Of course, I'm like tap in the vein reading every article I can. My mother is absurdly.

with gay Republican scandals. I mean, she just like, you know, is frothing at the mouth. She can't get enough of it. She loves it so much. Airports are a spot though, for sure. Are they? Yeah. It's funny. I think there's just historically been these like spots for gay people to hook up because you couldn't. And now, now with apps and stuff, like you can do what you got to do. But yeah, I believe it completely. Wow.

Really? I would have never guessed. Not the sting operation, though, on December. Geez. Isn't that the best thing ever, though? Yeah. And then they bust him. Then, of course, he has to resign. Karma. It was a misunderstanding. I wasn't tapping for that. Oh, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Karma is a bitch. Can you imagine being in a stall and tapping someone by accident multiple times? Like, what are you, fighting for your life in there? Right. Yeah. When we first started this podcast, people were like, y'all have got to have merch. And I'm like, okay.

We can't do merch. We don't know how. How on earth are we going to do that and mail it to people and charge them for it and keep track of all of it? Like I couldn't even wrap my head around what we were supposed to do. It's unbelievable how easy Shopify made that for us.

Shopify is the commerce platform revolutionizing millions of businesses worldwide. And if two morons like Pumps and I can get on there and set up an account to help get you all merch, you guys can do it too. For your businesses, no matter how large or small your business is, Shopify is the perfect fit.

Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash had it all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash had it to take your business to the next level today. shopify.com slash had it. Listener, I cannot tell you how worried I was about the safety and well-being of the star of our show. She was living in a home with zero security system.

Thankfully, I got her a SimpliSafe system and had it installed. They've got eyes on an intruder. Agents can confirm to 911 dispatchers that it is real and request a police dispatch. They have advanced motion detection and vision AI and all sorts of bells and whistles. Pumps, do you feel safer? I feel safer when I'm there and when I'm not there. It's

so comforting and it's very easy to use very easy very easy to install we even figured it out right right now i've had it listeners get a special 20 off any simply safe system when you sign up for fast protect monitoring this huge offer is for a limited time only so visit simply safe.com slash had it that's simply safe.com slash had it there's no safe like simply safe

So pumps, I'm always signing up for all these subscriptions. Maybe it's a newspaper article that was behind a paywall. And so I'm like, Oh, well, I have to read it. So I sign up for it. Or it's a podcast that I want to be able to binge sooner. So I sign up for that. Well, it keeps charging you monthly.

And I think, well, I don't even remember what it is. So how do I even know what I'm paying for? I do it all the time. The worst. Thankfully, I found Rocket Money. And Rocket Money can cancel a subscription for you that was otherwise tricky and or time consuming. And it's been incredibly helpful. I've eliminated like 10 to 15 subscriptions that I wasn't even using. And it's money right back in my account.

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. Pumps, have you used it? I have, and I had subscriptions I didn't even know I had. Subscriptions out the wazoo that nobody's using. Listeners, stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash hadit.

That's rocketmoney.com slash had it. rocketmoney.com slash had it. Okay, Zachariah, it's time to play a game. And it is the hottest game on the World Wide Web. I don't know if you've heard of it. I'm sure you probably have because everybody's talking about it. It's called Had It or Hit It. Everybody's talking about it. Everybody's talking about it because Princess Diana is involved in it. Please. Oh, my God. Welcome to Had It or Hit It. I would hit it. Had It. Had It.

I hit it every day, sometimes twice a day. Okay, Zachariah, had it or hit it, canned cocktail culture. I've had it. There can't be another. There's no more room for more canned cocktails. I was just at a party the other day and there was the Sunny D spiked seltzers. Really? I draw the line because now we're just putting fake orange juice in a can with vodka and saying, sell it, sell it, put it on the shelves. We don't need any more canned beverages. We have the White Claws. We have High Noon. We're done.

I just, I need for the permanent record. I need, since you've come all the way to Oklahoma city, I just need to go ahead and know your position on the large water bottle community that carries like Stanley cups and oversized water balls with them every single place they go. I, so I, I'm not a part of it. Okay. But I do kind of think it's a little chic. I like a girl that looks hydrated. Yeah.

I love that. It looks a little chic. Why do you hate it? I love it. I always have one. I hate it. Oh, wait. I don't have one, but I can appreciate the aesthetic. Does it fit in your cup holder? I've always wanted that. Yes, it does. Wow. What color is yours? I have several. I have a gold, a silver, a blue. Do you match them with your outfit? Because you're better. Oh, no.

no, I don't. I don't even match my purses with my outfit. I just do the one that's clean in the rotation from the dishwasher and all that. Is it like a Stanley cup or is it like, have you seen those ones the workout girls are using where it's like the two gallons and then check marks and they're like, almost got it. Keep drinking. I do have one of those, but I never use it because I think

Those are crazy. I ordered it off Amazon while I was backordered my Stanley. This was way back when. I didn't have my glasses on when I ordered it off Amazon, so I didn't realize it was like, you go, girl. You've almost got it. And I was just like, this is embarrassing. Stop. Stop. Stop. It's so weird. There is a giant oversized cup with motivational messages as you drink it down. Yes. It's not a cup. Yeah. It's not like a cup where it has a handle. It's just like a...

Why didn't I know about this? Probably because I was just like, I'm never going to use this because of the inspirational quotes on the side. They're bigger than your Stanley though. They're definitely, those are like almost, I think it's a gallon. Yeah. There's definitely different sizes. That's alarming and troubling. And I asked myself, who is looking at this saying, I can do this because my cup says I can. Somebody, because they're putting it on there in mass production. Yeah. I've seen a lot of them. I think if you're looking for motivation from a cup, I,

That bar is so goddamn low. Yeah. And maybe they need it then. Yeah, maybe they do. We've hit this level. I need the cup. Maybe they need that cup. Maybe they need that cup. Okay. This is something we've talked about a lot. And this is an issue plaguing the globe. What is it? Fake food allergies. Oh my God. I was at a restaurant the other day and this guy said he was allergic to arugula. So immediately...

I can't stay in my own lane here. And like my boyfriend's talking to you and I'm like, I don't think it's real. He's like, and then the girls are calling him out. He's an older gentleman too. So his wife calls him out or whatever. He's like, no, it's a real allergy. So I get on my phone because I've never heard this before. I'm like, can you be allergic to arugula? It is so rare. And maybe he was, but he's a fucking liar. And now the kitchen staff has to reset the knives and reset like everything. It's such a hassle. And it's so, I don't know. You could just say you don't like it. You know what I mean? It's not going to kill you.

Okay, had it or hid it, places that don't have good HVAC.

Well, I've had it completely. I will say the studio here, you guys are hitting it. You guys are doing a great job here. No, but I've had it. If you're going to invite me to somewhere, an outdoor barbecue, if there's no place for me to reprieve some cold, I'm not going. You know what I mean? We're too advanced in 2023 to not have AC working in certain places. I totally agree. Yeah. When you sleep at night, what do you turn your –

thermostat too. Whatever the lowest option is at all times. So you'd go down to 60 or 58? Yeah, because then I'll just bundle up. I'll keep bundling up. Me too. I'm like a little squirrel that burrows. You can't sleep in the heat. Oh my God. What's your sleep temp? My sleep temp is 68 and I have two blankets. Wow, you're a little, yeah, you're not that, that's a little, that's not too cold though. I go 66. Yeah. I'm a 66. Yeah. I'm surprised you're not 69. Oh, yeah.

I'm 69 during the day. How do you feel about, had it or hid it, all the iPad tipping for non-tippable actions? I've had it. I've had it. I was at Beyonce a couple weeks ago. I bought a $55 t-shirt. The girl spins the iPad. I said, you better spin that back around. You pulled the t-shirt out of a box. You're not getting a tip for this. It's a $55.

$75 t-shirt. But tipping it because you put a t-shirt in a bag for me? That is not a tip of the ball. That's not tip of the ball. I agree. And you know what the deal is? Again, I want to say as we talk about this stuff, this is consumer exploitation by large corporations because our government will not act to raise money

the minimum wage to livable wages. It's also taking away from the people whose like jobs are tippable. Right. They're getting like now they're not getting it. I'll tip by like barista. You know what I mean? Like I'll always get that kind of stuff. I was at the mechanic the other day. I'm like, is there going to be a tip thing here for the oil change?

Are we tipping here now too? We're tipping everywhere now and that's what it is. And it kind of makes me sad because it's like I feel bad like now if you pick up a to-go order that they put in a box, you have to tip 15%. I mean, I guess because it's gone up from 10. I always thought 10 was fine.

When I used to work takeout and I was like, okay. I expected 10 when I got out of takeout. I do 15 now though. Because you kind of have to. We get forced into all this. Yeah, because then they're putting the 30% there and I'm like, well, well. And I don't want to dick over the worker. Right. So it's like, because I did work in a restaurant and I have had low paying jobs before when I was trying to establish my career and I know what that's like. So I'm just like, oh. But it is exploitation of

you know, the consumer. But what about people who try to turn their hobby into a side hustle?

I feel like I'm being fresh on this because that's what I did with my life. I would this like making videos was a hobby. But I've had it because this girl I went to high school with, she makes the most disgusting looking chocolate covered strawberries I've ever seen. And she posts, well, guess it's her to turn this into an LLC. You guys, I'm opening a business. And it's like her chocolate strawberry. Come on, girl.

And you should see what she's charging. How much would you pay for one heinous-looking...

Like chocolate covered strawberry. Maybe like 75 cents. She's charging $5 a pop. Shut up. I'm not joking. I bet it's like Hershey's syrup out of a bottle. There's like, there's this like shredded paper and they're in a box. And you know what? Everyone deserves to have a side hustle, but you did it. You did it one throw. You know, this isn't your passion and it doesn't need to be a business. Yeah. Right. She's getting the, she, she was asking people about LLCs who, which one of my friends has LLCs the day after she posts this new business venture. Yeah.

Girl, I had four likes. Okay. I don't think we need to go down this road yet, but oh my God, I've had it. I've had it. Yeah. Yeah. The internet is exposing us to a lot of bad ideas that people have that they try to take to fruition and it's all done on a public scale. It's so fun though. It is. Oh my gosh. And then it's kind of like, you know, cause truth be told back when we were young, there wasn't, you know, uh, internet. Um,

So we probably did a, but we did so much fucked up shit. We're so lucky. None of it is, but now it's like you're, you know, you're out there and then everybody sees it. It's awful. I've kind of had it with a lot of that too. Okay. Had it or hit it.

People that are sanctimonious and say that they're above shit talking. Yeah. We've already said this. I've had it. I've had it. I don't trust you. You're a liar. You're clearly very boring and you have something to hide about yourself because certain people won't shit talk to you because they want it back on them. Right. And I can respect that a little bit because you're trying to protect your peace and you know that like if I say this, they could come out. But I don't know. If you're in my immediate group –

you can best believe we're really running it down there. Yeah, for sure. You got to have a good sense of humor. You got to be able to shit talk and you can't get butt hurt. Those are great requirements. Yeah. We recently like some people take so much of what we say so seriously. And they're just like, they have explosive diarrhea, similar to what you see at the Marshalls or the target bathrooms in the comment section. And they're just like, these girls are so negative and didn't. And I'm just like, okay, number one, why do you care?

Number two, so what if we are negative? And number three, fuck off. Number four, suck Pumps' dick. Suck my dick. Let's get that on a t-shirt. I know a girl. She has an LLC. She's got one. Seriously. I'm sure you do too. Okay, had it or hid it.

Public Venmo transactions. Isn't this just weird? Have you seen this before? It's weird, yes. Why don't you just put it on private? I don't know why people don't do that. I just got on Venmo, but I have a Venmo story from my divorce law. Oh, let's hear it. So I had a client that she got blocked on. I mean, her ex-husband blocked her on every forum, every social media, telephone, email. Like she was 100% blocked, but she can still access them on Venmo.

Stop. She would send him like 50 cents every day and like motherfucking. To write the message? Yeah. The message was just like, you're a cocksucker, little dick, motherfucker. I mean, just one after the other, after the other. So then we get emotion about it, obviously, with the court, like make her stop doing this.

And so I talked to her and I'm like, hey, you know, there is no way that I can go in front of a judge and try to sell this, that this was not malicious when you intended to do it. She goes, I did it and I was malicious. Right.

50 cents is a small price to pay to really get your message across. But like several times a day, every day. But you know what? That's a really good tip. That's a really good tip for the listener. If you're going through a total manic spiral meltdown and you've just gone fucking crazy and you're there and you're blocked from everything, go look into Venmo. Yeah. That's your last resort. It really is. You know, I mean, that's, that's your last defense right there to get your crazy out there.

It is. The whole thing is crazy. I just, I'm seeing like people I know that are like splitting the weirdest bills. And I don't know why I'm eating it with popcorn. I'm just like eating it all up. I'm like, oh, this is weird. What are they buying? How do they know each other? Yeah.

It's like sushi emoji, a kiss. I'm like, wait, that doesn't, I'm confused here. Listen, everybody get on Venmo and start searching. You know, it's interesting. I get on there and I see it and I see pumps paying all these like random female names and it's just the scissor emoji. Shut up. I'm trying to figure out what's going on and it's like. You're connecting the dots here. From pumps to Sharon, scissor emoji.

And then it's like the lesbian emoji of the two girls with the heart. The girls dancing with their legs kicked out. Yeah, those. The ballerinas. We know those girls. Yeah. There's just a lot of fuckery going on on pumps as Venmo. Just put it on private. It's nobody's business. Yeah, you keep your scissoring in private pumps for God's sake. I think I've Venmoed three times in my entire life. I've seen them. It's that scissor shit.

It's always that scissor shit. Maybe it was for a haircut. Zachariah, like you flew to Oklahoma City to see us. And I would do it again and again. And more people should come here. Oklahoma City is a beautiful place. It really is nice. It is. It is nice. And I love that. Like you will always be so close to our heart for doing that. We're going to see you. We're going to be in New York. Yes. On the Hot Shit Tour. We want you to come to Brooklyn. I can't wait. Yes. I'm just a stone's throw away from there now. So now you're in my neck of the woods.

Yes. Everybody go follow Zachariah. Go listen to his podcast and leave us a five-star review about Princess Diana's clap. Go to our bio. It's not the STD clap. It's her physical clap. I was like, what? Yeah.

Did you think it was the STD? No, I was like, why should I? What? Okay, it took me a second. And then go to our bio. Look at all this stuff. Follow us on all this shit. And tell them when we'll see them. Oh, Patreon. Patreon. Documentary Club every Wednesday. And we will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. Thank you, Zachariah. Thank you. Bye.

I'm Caitlin Bristow, host of Off The Vine Podcast, where I get real, maybe a little too real sometimes, with my friends and celeb guests from Bachelor franchise and beyond. I'm talking guests like Jonathan Van Ness, Nikki Glaser, Wells Adams, Elise Myers, and

like in this like business jacket like I would love some tacos. Heidi D'Amelio, Big Brothers, Taylor Hale. I have to bring it up because it happened and we're going to get through it. What I do. And so many more. So come hang out with us, hear ridiculous confessions and get a little vulnerable because you know what? We're all just floating on this weird little planet together. Follow, rate and review Off The Vine Podcast wherever you listen to your podcasts.