Plumbers and Swingers
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So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. That was an outstanding clap if I do say so myself. You are an outstanding podcaster. So that is totally on brand for you. Yep. Totally on brand. Pumps, what have you had it with?

What I've had it with is people that smack their gum. It's gross enough when a child does it. But when you're at a sporting event and the person next to you is smacking their gum and you can hear it three people down, I find that just fucking gross. And you're a huge gum chewer. You constantly have it. You have your little packs. You're such an efficient user. Like I never have heard you smack one time. And I'm with you 24-7, 365.

You always put your trash right back in the little package, just perfectly done. It's not anybody else's problem, your gum. This woman, I'm three rows down, I mean, three seats down from her, and her gum is my problem. Not only that, the gum that she took out of her mouth, she put it in a napkin and just left it in the napkin on the ground. First and foremost, let's get back to me. Okay.

Your favorite subject. Yeah, that was great. I do. So, listener, I am a nicotine gum chewer. Yeah. And have been since around 2014. And I try to keep... You keep it tight. The piece of gum that comes out of the container, I get the hit of nicotine. And then once it's chewed, it goes back in and I seal it back up. And it's nobody else's problem. I collect all of my little used... Throw them right away. Throw them away. Yeah. Which...

That is probably what my problem is with gunsmackers, is that you have set the bar so high that others cannot compete. I couldn't agree more. This is an amazing episode and we're only two minutes in. I mean, killing it. Let me tell you what I've had it with. Okay. And it's not so much I had it. I just want to give a shout out to all the referees that have to ref...

school games. Right now, you and I are in the throes of our son's high school basketball seasons. And I'm going to these games.

And the refs, it's unbelievable what they go through. It's unbelievable how the parents behave. That's it. The parents are so out of control, screaming at the refs. And it's always like if you win, if you win the game, nobody's bitching about the refs. It's a sore loser parade. Correct. And if your kid travels and everybody fucking saw the kid travel and the ref saw it,

and blows his whistle. And then you're screaming at the ref throwing your arms up in the air like a nut. The ref doesn't give a shit. The ref doesn't give a shit. He's enforcing the rules. And guess what? Your kid is not perfect. I know that's a tough one to swallow sometimes. And it's just amazing sitting in these basketball gyms, how many people think that their child

is the next LeBron James. And I'm always struck by, he's not because we would already know. You wouldn't have to tell us. Right. You wouldn't have to be loud about it because we already know. That's right. And it's just, it's unbelievable. I mean, I kind of feel sorry for the refs

And what I really, really, really hate, did you hear about those two refs that got in a fistfight with each other at a fourth graders game? No. It was like last week. No. Yes, the refs started fighting. All the pressure from the parents, I guess. I don't know. But it just, it's an embarrassment. The parents are so out of control, listener, at these games. They are complete lunatics. And again, like Pump said-

If your child is going to be the next basketball sensation, everybody's going to know about it. You don't have to create a tension for yourself in the stands or your child because you don't have to. You know, Josh almost got in a fistfight with a ref. Not recently. Yeah.

He's reformed. This was a few years ago. I think Roman was probably in fifth or sixth grade. And he's playing on this really good AAU basketball team, right? Well, as you know, if your child's played AAU basketball, they play all the time. All the time. So we're at this gym.

And Josh is, I mean, a tomahawk chopper helicopter dad deluxe going bananas. The ref had had it with him. He'd warned him multiple times. Like it starts escalating. Of course, I filmed the entire thing. Of course. So at one point, the ref finally walks over to Josh because Josh is standing up under the basket just right outside. I mean, just calling, making calls like he's a ref. Yeah.

He's coaching the kids. Mind you, they already have a coach. There's already two or three refs out on the court. But Josh is just doing, he's, I don't know, helping. Helping, he thinks. So the ref finally looks at him and says, I'm going to kick your ass after this. This ref is a lot bigger than Josh.

And there's no question. Josh is 6'3". But there's no question in my mind that Josh Welch would have had his ass whooped. There's no question the ref was tougher, period, full stop. So the game ends. And I, you know, of course, have my video camera going. Right. And I'm videoing the whole thing. And so Josh goes to one of the other dads and he's like, look, bro, like I kind of got out of control. You're going to have to have my back here. I think I'm going to get my ass kicked in the parking lot. And so...

The ref finishes the game and they do the slapping. The ref just goes ahead and takes off his black and white striped shirt. And he's screaming at Josh. And so one of the other dads is like, you know, hey, he was out of control. And at the end of the day, Josh really is a lover, not a fighter. Right. He isn't a fighter. So at the end of the day, they ended up not fist fighting him.

But I just, you know what? In a way, as much as I love my husband, he's the father of my children, I was kind of team ref. Oh, for sure. If he was being obnoxious on the sidelines, he deserved to get his ass kicked. Yeah. Anyway, welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She is Judge Judy Diana, one of the country's great legal minds, and as everybody knows, the top podcaster.

podcaster in the United States of America, possibly the globe. Kylie. Hello. Do you have anything for us on the World Wide Web? I just have one little TikTok comment I want to read you. Excellent. The username is thatbitch101. Okay. And they write, I wish these old hoes would stop voicing their unwanted opinions. Okay.

I've got such a great solution for her. Don't watch them. I mean, it's that easy. Yes. Why is the burden on us? She needs to stop listening to us. Don't put the burden on us.

take accountability for your own listening. Don't listen. Yeah. I do kind of like she thought I might be a hoe though. An old hoe. An old hoe. We already have a lot of forced listeners. Right. Right. A lot of them. Yeah. She doesn't have to listen. She doesn't have to be one. Everybody who has their ear pods in right now, y'all are forced to listen. Right. Bitch 101. What's her name? Little bitch. That bitch 101. That bitch 101. Okay. Okay.

Well, today we are going to dive into some hard-hitting news stories. One of my favorites. I have been perusing the World Wide Web in search of stories that I think might pique your interest, Pumps. Okay, good. And you, listener. So, of course, I was over at the Mirror. Of course. And I found a headline and it says, Entitled Bride Story.

blasted after asking friend to make her wedding cake for free. This bride-to-be has come under fire after asking her friend to make her wedding cake, but then getting offended when she asked for contributions to cover the cost of the ingredients. The bride shared her story on Facebook and says, I've asked my friend to make the wedding cake for me,

for 75 plus people. And she's coming back asking me if I'm contributing to the cost of the cake, as it's going to cost her $300 plus to make it. Am I wrong to be offended that she's not gifting me the cake as a wedding present? One person responds, this is why when you have professional skills like baking or seamstress or hair and makeup, you don't use friends or family. So true.

And another user states, no one owes you anything. Stop taking advantage of your friends. Completely agree. And then another user says,

$300 in materials plus time, storage, delivery, and setup. Does that include cutting after the ceremonial part? That's a lot of work in addition to materials. Its value is probably closer to $1,000. My niece's cake from her wedding two weeks ago was $1,300 for 150 people. So basically schooled the girl in saying, it's a discount. Pay for the cake. Right. What I cannot believe is the entitlement that she would think is

that her friend should go $300 out of pocket expenses, plus all the time and energy to make a cake and that there was zero compensation involved. Like, I think brides and pregnant people,

They think that they're the only person that's ever gotten married and that their day is so special. It's so special. It's my special day. It's just any other day on the calendar. You just happen to be having a wedding ceremony that day. You're not the most special person on the planet. Like that, I would tell that girl, you know what? Not only am I not going to make your cake, I'm not coming to your wedding and I'm going to block you from my phone because you are a miserable human being.

So we're done. Solve that problem immediately. That's how she would handle it, listener. She would tell her to fuck herself, take the cake and cram it up her fucking wedding dress.

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Believe the hype listener, Skims has over 100,000 five-star reviews for a reason. Skims bras are now available at Skims.com. Plus, get free shipping on all orders over $75. If you haven't yet, be sure to let them know that we sent you. After you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select our show. I've had it in the drop-down menu that follows. Okay, I've got a story titled, My Boyfriend Says I Embarrassed Him While I Was Giving Birth. Okay.

Taking to Reddit, a 20-year-old said, "I had a natural birth and my boyfriend was there throughout the whole process. I screamed a lot and each time I did he whispered something like, 'Can you stop screaming? You're really embarrassing me.'" She shared how she threw up a few times during labor and her boyfriend covered his face in shame. She said, "When I held the midwife's hand for comfort, he whispered, 'Let go of her. Stop being so embarrassing.'"

The new mom added that her boyfriend even criticized her birthing position and called her vulgar names. When she tried to discuss this behavior after their son's birth, he denied everything and dismissed her concerns as silly. I hate him. Hate. Hate. So he's gaslighting her after the fact. He's gaslighting her because she was loud and squeezed a hand and maybe threw up during childbirth?

Like, grow some thick skin, motherfucker. Let's shove a baby out your penis and see how you feel. I mean, what a dick. Huge dick. A total dick. That's a go fuck yourself. And here's the thing, too. Like, we would be remiss if we didn't mention this.

that she's putting this information out on the World Wide Web. So is that a cry for help? Is she still with the guy? Obviously, she's still with him. Yeah. I've got some answers to that. Okay, good. She asked to go to couples counseling and he hasn't. So she's asking for advice from people, which everyone is saying, leave his ass. Leave his ass. He's going to be a horrible father. Well, I don't know how he'll be as a father, but he will not be a co-parent. He'll be, yeah, just a piece of trash. He'll want you to control the child. He'll be one of those that's like,

He's getting into something. Stop him. It's embarrassing me in public. And it's like, it's your fucking kid. Get him yourself. You don't like it. He's going to be one of those people that...

thinks he's babysitting. Oh, for sure. He's taking care of his own child. He's a babysitter dad. He's a baby, a Disney dad and a babysitter dad. Yeah, 100%. You know, listener, what Disney dads are is when you're separated or going through a divorce or getting divorced. You have one parent that has to do all the real time stuff.

you know, art projects that are due the next morning, sick kid, karate lessons, drop off, pick up.

And then you have the parent that strolls in once every two weeks and you go to Disneyland. Right. And it's high times. High times. And then the kid says, well, God, dad's so much fun. And it's like, well, no shit, you little snot-nosed brat. Right. He sees you 24 hours. I could be a fucking blast in 24 hours. Well, yeah. If I didn't watch what you're eating, make sure you did your homework. I'd be fun too. Right. Exactly. Okay. The next one is.

Mom is raising daughter to be a quote traditional wife. And she says it's acceptable to serve a man. So this mom takes to TikTok and she's got a daughter that's about five. Okay. She posts and she's causing a stir because she's raising her daughter to be traditional wife who will serve and depend on her future husband.

She says, I'm teaching my daughter that it's perfectly acceptable to depend on a man. That being a homemaker is the number one career she should strive for. This is what she shared in her TikTok video. And then she says, and that serving her husband and bearing children will be her greatest joy.

It has 1.6 million likes. Likes? Uh-huh. And a bunch of comments in agreement. Are you kidding me? Then she says, in a world full of women teaching their children that their only goal is to go to university, get a good job, and make money.

I'm teaching my little girl to live a slow life, to be a biblical woman that wants a husband and a beautiful family that she can serve daily. That joy comes from God and family, not a career. I don't even know what to say. I thought it was satire. I thought you were going to tell me this was all satire. Yeah. So then, of course, some people chime in, you know, and they're saying, let her decide on her own. And then one...

commenter says, I'm so glad my mom taught me to be the exact opposite. A hundred percent. Number one, it's so misogynist. Like this woman has clearly she's a religious nut. Obviously that came out loud and clear. And the fact that like so many women are trapped in situations with men who abuse them emotionally, physically, financially, emotionally,

And if you're being raised to do this, then you're being raised to just completely put up with abuse. Accept abuse because that's part of your job because you are not the superior being. She could have just thrown in priest holder and we'd have a full blown Mormon situation going on. In the TikTok video, they're standing at a mixer. She's teaching her how to mix stuff to bake it.

Okay, first of all, this kid's fucking five years old. Yeah, but she's raising her pump. She's raising her to be a traditional wife. And it starts young, I guess. I guess. Oh, that just breaks my heart for that kid. I mean, that's just a sad life.

It's so, you know, listener, we bring this up a lot, but we live in the Bible Belt. And it's shocking that there are still people that are raising their daughters like this. It's amazing. And I've been to in the last two years, both years, I've been at an away football game where they were introducing like their homecoming court or whatever. It was like the future aspirations. And once last year and once this year, one of the gals said,

aspiration was to find a husband, get married and raise children. And I remember the first time I was like, where's her fucking mother? Where's the fucking principal of the school? Where's the teacher? Where is somebody not guiding her that this is a bad idea, that they actually let her put this out loud to be read at a halftime of a football game? And

But then you realize that's what they think. Like that's her mother. And I'm like, here's what my question is. What do you do when you find out you can't be married to that person anymore? So you now have a loser husband, a ton of kids, no financial independence. Then what fucking happens?

They just sit there and take it. And then she tells her kids the exact same thing because it's normal to all of them. They've normalized sexism and misogyny because pumps, it's biblical and it's what God wants and it's delusion and it's not helpful for women or girls. I mean,

I mean, that worries me. That could just get me fired the fuck up. It's bad. It's bad. Kylie, do you have any good news? I have zero good news. Oh, shit. All right. All right. Zero. The title of this one is man dubbed worst person on the internet. Okay. So posting to Twitter, one man wrote, wife is desperate to have kids, but it's just not happening for us. She recently suggested I go to a doctor to check it all works down there.

I struggled to bite my tongue and not tell her it must be her, as I recently had to take my mistress to have a termination a few months ago.

Many readers rushed to tell the man that his mistress was probably sleeping with someone else, urging him to not only get tested for STDs, but also fertility. However, the vast majority of people begged the cheating husband to give his wife the Christmas present of leaving her and giving her a chance to find real love. Agree with the Christmas present idea. Shit. That took a turn I was not expecting. I thought he was just a dick because he didn't want to whack off in a cafe at the doctor's office.

But he's got a mistress. Okay, I guess the basic question, and granted, I would not have thought this in my early life, like 20s and 30s. We know I was stupid. We know I made all the mistakes. I mean, that's not even up for discussion. That's assumed. That's master of the obvious.

But I look at that and think, why are you trying to get pregnant with your wife? Why don't you just leave to be with your mistress? Why are you even going through the motions of all this? Why are you posting it on the internet? Why are you posting it on the internet? Why do we even know about this? Right. Oh, that's it.

He's a little skunk is what he is. All right, here's one. A neighbor orders his other neighbor to change their dog's name because it's confusing to his daughter. What? A man has been left outraged after his entitled neighbor ordered him to change his dog's name because it's, quote, confusing to his daughter. He explained that he has a six-year-old dog named Charlotte.

And he was living peacefully in his lower middle class suburb until a young family moved next door. So he takes to Reddit, the dog owner. He says, I let Charlotte go out and potty roughly six or so times a day. It's always the same routine. Opens the back door. Charlotte runs out and doesn't typically come back immediately until he pokes his head out and says, Charlotte. And then Charlotte runs up.

One day he opens up the door and he was met by a very large, angry man screaming and shouting at him. He's twice his size, glaring him down. And he says something like, why the fuck are you calling my daughter into your house? And I responded, your daughter's name is Charlotte? And he just kind of kept glaring at him. In the absence of a response, he followed up with, Charlotte's my dog's name, dude.

And then he rolled his eyes at me and said, I better change my dog's name because he doesn't want his two-year-old daughter getting confused and running into my house. What? He called me stupid and said that a human child obviously has priority over a dog for a name. The dog owner puts all this stuff on Reddit and there's a lot of advice.

Like what he should do. Some people are like, change the name or some people are like double down. And this guy says, I'll tell you what I would do. I would get another dog and name it his wife's name. That is a fantastic idea.

He better not change his dog's name. Tell the kid, a human, his dog's name is Charlotte too. When he calls for her, since you don't know him, don't go into his house. Now we're done talking about it. It's just such ridiculous entitlement. It's entitlement. To tell somebody to change their dog's name. Okay, first and foremost, the dog is six. The child is two. Right. Probably because...

of life expectancy, Charlotte the human's going to outlive Charlotte the dog. Let's hope. Because Charlotte the dog is around 40-something in dog years. So this guy is only living in this real short game. And he can't say, oh, sweet Charlotte, our neighbor's dog has the same dog name as yours. Instead, he has to be a dick and knock on the door. And you know what he is? He's a male Karen. Because Karens are, it can go either way.

Yeah, it can be a boy or a girl. That's true. I just think the neighbor should have walked over if he was concerned about it and said, hi, I'm John so-and-so.

My daughter's name is Charlotte. She hears you calling. Oh, your dog's name is Charlotte. Oh, okay. I'll let her know. And then that's the end of it. Why is his daughter's name have any effect on the neighbor's dog's name? It's obviously a psychopath. You can't just change a dog's name halfway through their life. No, you can't. And he's like, he's a species supremacist that he thought that his daughter, because it's a human, should have priority over the dog. And I mean, you know, Kylie and I, listener, feel that

Dogs are often overlooked. Kylie and I worry immensely about what happens to dogs in divorce. And I doubt. Pumps doesn't care, but we care. And you can't just...

rename Charlotte who's six years old. I think he could rename his daughter. She's only two. Right. So that the dog doesn't get confused and run into their home. Right. Rename Charlotte the kid. She won't even know. Yeah, she would never fucking know. But you know what, Charlotte? The dog would. All right. I've got a man who is being praised for his petty revenge online.

A man is being praised for his petty revenge after a stranger parked in his driveway to attend a party. He came home from work on Friday to find another person's car parked up his driveway, leaving him with no other option to park elsewhere. He said, I came home from work. Someone is in my driveway. And keep in mind, my driveway is a single car width lined with a retaining wall on both sides and a garage at the end. So it's essentially impossible for a tow truck to come pull them out.

So he had to park in the street, and he decided to park right behind the car blocking it in. So a few hours later, the entitled parker knocked on his door, demanding he move his car so she could drive away. But he wasn't having it. Seeing as they were demanding, I informed them that I had been drinking, and I legally could not move my car. The entitled parker decided to call the police to get them to force me to move. When the police knocked on the door, I made sure to go to the fridge, grab a beer, and go answer it.

I informed them that when I got home, I started drinking and I was in no shape to drive. They couldn't move it. And then he told the woman that he wasn't due back to work until Tuesday so she could come get it after then. Oh, that's a boss bitch move. I love that. It's totally savage. I love it. You know how Karen would have handled that situation? I would have gone door to door to door to door until I found out whose car that was and insisted they move it immediately.

I really like his approach. His approach was way better. I love it. He was like, you know what? Fuck this. I'm going to get hammered. Yeah. And I'm going to have a good time. And this is going to be a fantastic evening. And I'm going to make what she made my problem. It's going to now be her problem. Yeah. No, I did get it. She calls the cops. The cops come. They couldn't argue with him. They can't argue with him. Because he's like, I am intoxicated. I'm not moving my car. I'm not letting anybody else drive my car. That was brilliant. It's my driveway. Yeah.

I'm blocking my own driveway in essence. Right. She parked her car here. I bet the cops loved it. Loved it. I'm sure that fucking bitch in their ear though was ob-na-cious. Okay. Here's a guy and he says, I got drunk and invited plumber to Thanksgiving dinner. I can't back out now. This man took to social media to share how he accidentally invited his plumber over for Thanksgiving dinner when he was drunk.

And now his wife is ordering him to uninvite the plumber. With Thanksgiving just hours away, people are preparing their vegetables and table settings ready for the big day. But one man is having to make a painful phone call to his plumber after inviting him to join his family for Thanksgiving dinner when he was drunk.

He says, my plumber has a heart of 24 karat gold. And he takes to Reddit and he says, I've actually started smiling when I clogged the toilet because it means he's coming over with his Italian accent and his arcane sense of humor. I honestly couldn't say what it is about him that excites me so much. I guess we all have people in our lives that we, for some reason, just enjoy being around.

After calling him out to fix his sink, the duo struck up their, quote, most intimate conversation ever. The plumber opened up about how his ex-wife was supposed to join him in the States a few years back, but instead fell in love with another man. He lives alone here in the U.S. while all of his family is still in Italy, and he just had a major falling out with three of his best friends.

After he was done working, I opened up a bottle of tequila and we kept taking shots and talking until we were beyond fucked up. At one point, I guess I felt really bad about his situation. So I invited him to Thanksgiving dinner and he began to weep. We hugged and he told me he appreciated it so much. Then we took three more shots and he drove home. My wife was so annoyed because she was, they're newly married and she wanted to make a good impression. Um,

When I told her that our plumber was coming over for Thanksgiving dinner, she went off. We've only been married a few months and this is going to be our first Thanksgiving as a family. Her parents and siblings are coming over and it's a huge deal for her. She really wants to prove herself as a hostess and as an adult. So now I've got to call him and let him know that he can't come, but it will shatter my heart.

And it's going to be a very awkward phone call. He says, I might polish off the tequila tonight and send him a text or something. So one user responds after he posts this, you know, that he's invited his plumber over. One user responds and says, you know, you might have really helped this guy because he was in a really low place. So good for you. Maybe you can get your wife to come around. And another person, which I thought was probably the best question, says, why did he, the plumber,

drive home after taking so many shots. Great point. You know what my thought was when you were reading that? Sounds like love to me. Totally. I mean, I think it's love. I think we've got a budding romance here. It's a bromance for sure. It's definitely a bromance, but it almost sounds more like a romance. He said, I don't know what it is about him. I don't know what it is about him. I just want to be with him. But I'll tell you this too.

I think there's a convincing argument to be made to your wife. Like if you want to prove yourself as an adult and a hostess, entertain the plumber on Thanksgiving with your other guests and make it all seem completely comfortable. That's your true test as a hostess. Yeah. Back to this. This is what he wrote. He said,

I honestly couldn't say what it is about him that excites me so much. Excites me so much. I guess we all have people in our lives that we, for some reason, just enjoy being around. You think it's a slap and tickle? I think it's love. He says he gets excited when a drain gets clogged. I think it's a crush. I think it's a major romantic crush. I mean, like, I love you to pieces.

But I wouldn't say, what was the quote again? Just being exciting to be around him. Maybe the wife in Italy of the plumber thought, you know what? I think he's gay. Right. So I'm not moving over to the United States. And then they're getting hammered. They're having all this tequila. Yeah.

But why did he let the plumber drive home? It says here they did three more shots. After. And then he drove home. Yeah, that's a bad call. That's a bad decision. I think the wife should let him come to Thanksgiving. I kind of think they should, too. I think the wife should have let him come. But this reminds me, there's a great Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Larry invites Jeff's exterminator. Yeah.

to go to those kids that Larry adopted to their musical. He invites the exterminator to go with him and they go. And so this is kind of like this, you know, like, and I can see like, you know, the plumber's over, they hit it off. They're having a great time. You know, whoever this guy is hired the plumber clearly, you know, his wife kind of bugs him or something, which, you know, that's not a newsflash. You get married. Then all of a sudden it's like, uh, but, uh,

He really got excited about this plumber. He says he has a heart of 24 karat gold. Yeah. I mean, he's crazy about the plumber. I mean, I kind of get, even though I'm team plumber, because I think the husband likes him, likes him. I do think that if your spouse rolls in and says, hey, I got drunk with the plumber and invited him to Thanksgiving, that you're like, what the fuck? Like, why are you inviting people to our Thanksgiving? I will say, like, I...

I work on job sites all the time and I love all of the subcontractors that I work with. But if I, if Josh said, hey, you know, such and such was over here unclogging the toilet and I went ahead and bought him the Thanksgiving, I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck? Why? Why? Why? Why?

So I think the only reason I'm soft on this one is that I feel like the husband really likes him. I think so, too. And I kind of like the plumber. I kind of like the plumber, too. He made the case that the plumber was rejected. He's here all alone. He invited the plumber for Thanksgiving. The plumber starts bawling. Baby crying. This guy feels like, fuck, yeah, I'm a great guy. I befriended the Italian plumber. And then...

You know what happens? The translation from high times on tequila didn't translate to reality. It did not. The tequila hangover was massive.

It sounds like it was several days of tequila hangover. Here's what I want to know. Why did the plumber's three friends just dump him? I don't know. These are great questions. I mean, that's what I'm like. The wife dumped him. The three friends dumped him. So it's kind of like, what's going on with him? And his best friend's wife just dumped him for Thanksgiving. Yeah.

He's getting a lot of rejection. That's five people just in that one little article that have rejected this Italian plumber. I love plumbers and I love Italians. I do. But something is a little bit fishy that you get excited when your toilet gets clogged. I'm calling it love. Do you remember when my plumber on Whippoorwill had a crush on me and invited me to kept inviting me to Red Lobster? Yeah. Yeah.

So I kind of have a little experience in this area. Did you fuck him? No, I didn't.

No. Nor did I go to Red Lobster. The listener wanted to know. I wanted to make sure that we are a thorough podcast. You were invited to go to Red Lobster, which I'm sure was super exciting and tempting. Just wanted to find out when your toilet was getting unclogged and your sink was getting unclogged, if you weren't excited about your plumber. No, I was not. I was not.

He sure was excited about you. He was. He was awfully sweet. Did he have a heart of 24 karat gold?

He was nice. I didn't get to his heart. So let me just have a follow-up question. So he does the plumbing services. Well, remember, I had to have my whole hardwood floor pulled up. So it was like a week job. So he was at my house every day for a week. And he called me. He had my number. I don't know why, but he did. And he just called me and said, hey, really enjoy talking to you.

She went to go to lunch at Red Lobster. I was like, you know, that is so nice. Thank you for thinking of me, but I'm going to have to pass. And what did he say? He was nice. I mean, it wasn't like awkward or anything. Was this after you'd already paid the bill and it was the project was complete or is this mid-project?

I'm trying to think. I know for a fact I saw him at least one day after because I was like, oh, God, I don't want to. I remember that. OK, let me ask you this. A couple of follow up questions. OK. You like prancing around without a bra on. No. I think you were prancing around. No, I wouldn't have been. Were you shaking your titties at the plumber? No, I was not. All right. I'm just checking. I mean, I had a baby, a three year old and a five year old. There's no telling what I was shaking. But I I don't think I would have been running around without a bra.

With him in my house. If I remember correctly, at this specific house, I remember one time I came to your front door, rang the doorbell, you didn't answer. So I ran around at the back sliding glass door and knocked on it. And you walked out buzzing.

Buck naked with a toothbrush in your hand, brushing your teeth and came and unlocked the door like it was perfectly normal. Opened it right on up and we just walked right on in. Well, I knew that you guys were coming. So I wasn't it wasn't like. No, it was an ambush. It was me and Betsy. It was an ambush. Yeah. And you did not know we were coming. And I knocked on the front door. Crickets. So then I came around to the back door. I would never met Betsy before.

I don't know. Yes. I want to introduce you to my friend Betsy. So we walked around to the back and I'm banging on the door and you come out with your toothbrush. And this would have been in the Red Lobster Plumber era. Yeah, it would have been. And you come prancing out with the dragons who were much perkier then than they are now. They were really kind of stunning at the time. Real stunners. They were stunners. They were just dragons. It was full-blown Khaleesi shit. It was great. It was full-blown Khaleesi shit. Those were the days.

So you walk out and you're brushing your teeth and we both start dying laughing. And you go, oh, hey, girls, come on in. Unlock the sliding glass door, open it up. You turn around and the butt cheeks and the dragons paraded back, got on some clothes and came out like it was no big deal. So there's no telling. I'm not, listen, I am not a Red Lobster victim shamer. I want that noted for the permanent record. Okay. Okay.

But I do know you. And I do know that there could have been some titty shaking going on around this plumber. If he was at your house for a week. Yeah. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. And they were impressive back in the day. Oh, I mean, absolutely. Talk about a dynamic duo. They were. A total dynamic duo. It's a crash and burn. Apples and tube socks. Apples and tube socks. All right. Here we have.

A man baffled after finding pineapple with welcome sign on his doorstep. So a man has been left scratching his head after finding a pineapple with a welcome sign on his doorstep. He feared it might be a marker for thieves saying, it made me think someone has left it to mark our house for a potential robbery when we're gone.

At work, I told my friend about what happened and immediately he said, you were invited to a swinger party. That's exactly what I thought. I was stumped. What? He proceeded to explain the story of swingers and pineapples. Basically, if you place a pineapple at your door, you're stating you're having a swinger party.

If it's upside down, you're looking for swingers. If someone places a pineapple on your doorstep, they're inviting you to swing. If you leave it there upside down, you're responding to their invite, accepting it. He says, this freaked me out. Straight away, I texted my girlfriend to tell her what I found out. She was both flattered and disgusted a little. She's a jealous type. Yeah.

The couple spent weeks trying to figure out which one of their neighbors was inviting them to party, but began ruling out those with kids. My girlfriend said to put it back out and maybe they'd take it back. But I didn't want anyone thinking that I was having a swinger party. We went back and forth in this and even had the discussion of the possibility of going for it. That didn't go over too well with my girlfriend.

But after spending weeks keeping a check on his neighbors, his friends text him out of the blue about a completely unrelated matter. He added, I had this weird gut feeling out of nowhere that he knew something about it. So he asked him. His friend denies it completely. So I bluffed and said my security camera for the bikes caught him on video. And it turns out it was in fact him.

He was in town in a pub, got drunk, went past a small gift shop with the pineapple in the window and thought it would be great decor for us.

So

So then, of course, people start commenting. Somebody in the comment section says, bro, your friend wants to swing. For sure. That's an elaborate ruse. He should have just said, yeah, we're kind of into swinging. See what you think. What about he and his girlfriend? They're just racking their brains. And at one point he even pitches, well, maybe we should go for it. Maybe we should try it. Yeah.

I mean, would you ever be that upset if somebody left your pineapple that you would like spend weeks investigating and interrogating your friends? I really wouldn't. Here's what I think. I think he wants to swing. I think the friend and the guy that received the pineapple colluded. It's collusion. 100%. He does this whole thing on Reddit performatively for his girlfriend as a cover story.

So here you got one buffoon who's like, oh, my God, I got a pineapple. And his girlfriend's like, that's so weird. Who did that? And then he goes, I have brought it up at work. And they say it's for the swinger thing. She's like, oh, that's weird. I'm such a jealous type. Then all of a sudden he gets a gut feeling that it's some random friend who says, hey,

Yeah, I bought a pineapple for you as a gift and I didn't have time to bring it in. So I just left it on your porch and we're dying laughing about it. Ha ha. Floated the idea to my girlfriend. She's like, no, no. I mean, those two fuckers wanted to fuck each other's girlfriends. That makes complete sense. Crack the case because you know what? I don't care what's going on with the general public. We here at I've had it can deduce everything.

these things. Well, to be fair, I really can't. I mean, I knew it was a swinger thing.

But I would have not guessed the two. I knew the guy wanted to swing with them, the friend, because that was too elaborate and too stupid. But the collusion's a great one. They colluded. Makes a lot of sense. Because he's not that stupid to buy the whole story that, oh, we bought you a pineapple, but we didn't have time to bring it in. She was too tired to bring it in. It's just like, first of all, who goes in and buys another person a pineapple, male to male? A swinger.

Well, right. It's a swing thing for sure.

I like the collusion though. I like the way you think. They're colluding. Because see, back when I was a swinger, that's how you did it. That's what we did. I like how he says, we ruled out all the swingers with kids. I think all the swingers we know, at least 90% all have kids. Yes. So swingers have kids. Yeah, swingers have. It's not a childless endeavor. I think it's more so. I do too. I think people get bored. Yeah. Yeah. All of the swingers that are rumored

swingers, all of them had kids. Yeah. I can only think of one. All of your clients that are swingers, kids, right? All have kids. Kylie, do lesbians swing? I'm sure they do. Probably. Yeah. I think my generation, it's just there's a shit ton of open relationships. Yeah. You don't have to swing. Instead of calling it swinging. Yeah. They're just all open. You just hook up with other people. They have boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands all at the same time. Polyamory. Exactly. Look at you. Yep.

Yeah, you know why? Because your generation wasn't raised like that one woman. That poor little girl. Yeah, who is raising her daughter to serve her husband. Serve her husband. Yeah. Because that's the only thing that can bring her joy. Right, the only thing. I've had it. Had it with that. I have had it with all of these news stories. I kind of dig the swingers and the... It's good. And the plumber. The plumber. I like the plumber. Yeah. Because we got love. Love.

I'm just going to call it love. He loves the plumber. Yeah, I agree. We're going to read in two or three years. They've run off together.

To Italy. To Italy. Listener, please subscribe to our YouTube channel. We are dropping new episodes there. And this year we are dropping extra Patreon content each week. Unseen episodes that are exclusive to Patreon only. Please send us a voice memo to our Instagram page and check us out on the Hot Shit Tour. And that link is in the bio pumps. Tell them we will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both.

I'll tell you what I've had it with.