Nobody Likes a Soft Serve
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Press play on comparing auto rates. Quote at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Comparison rates not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy. Ready? One, two, three. It's all right. I was weak. Yeah. Fucking weak. Uh, Pumps, what have you had it with? Okay, what I've had it with is connections. I'm having the hardest time, like, the last two weeks. I have been...

Crash and burn on Connections. And I usually get it all the time. Listener, Connections is a game on the New York Times app where you have to match words that all go together. Right. There's 16 words and you have to make four groups of four. And I usually kill it.

But I feel like here lately, it's just been face plant city. I've just been, I'm like, am I getting dumber? It's a cognitive decline. You hear about a lot in the news. Cognitive decline is all the rage with US politicians. And now me. Now you. Now America's greatest legal mind is falling prey to cognitive decline. Yeah. And it really upsets me. Yeah. I mean, you can imagine how your followers feel. All of your fans. Yeah.

All right, let me tell you what I've had it with. So when you're a passenger in a car and you're riding shotgun and the person that's driving is a terrible driver. Yeah. And it just is so unsettling.

to ride in a car with somebody that doesn't drive super well or drives really erratically. Most recently, Josh was driving and he's always like jacking with his car, trying to get a certain song on. And he tends to be a person that when you're driving on the road, he kind of hovers over the center a little bit. Oh, like he rides the center line? He rides the center line, which all I can think of is head-on collision. Right.

And so then I start to like clench and he's like, why are you being so dramatic? And it's kind of one of those typical, you know, husband wife moments.

And then he always takes like curves really fast. He drives really quickly. He's got songs going. You are texting while driving. I've been doing better on that. I really have because my kids have been on me about it. But I'll tell you what makes me crazy. And my two oldest kids are the worst.

they see a stop sign or a stoplight. People are stopped and they're just flying up to the end and then they slam on their brakes. And then I'm like gripping the side of the car, slow down, slow down. And then I get the, why are you so dramatic? I'm like, because we almost went up that car's ass unnecessarily because you could see for three miles they were stopped. I don't think there's anything worse than

Than having a teenager drive you. I think all of the parents of teens can relate. When your child starts driving a car and you're the passenger in that car. It is one of the worst experiences of your life. But it is one of the best experiences of the teen's life. And it's just a miserable thing. My mother is just a horrible person.

I mean, horrible driver. I mean, she listens to the pod. She's going to be madder than a hornet after she hears this. But my nephews, my siblings, everybody will concur. I mean, she is just a terrible driver. She does this. She's constantly like pointing and flexing her toe even when she drives. It's kind of like a pump in the brake kind of as she drives. Yeah.

And then she just kind of lacks awareness about other cars around her. And then my entire life growing up,

She can never remember where she parks her car. Yeah. So we would go to the mall and then would start looking for the car. And I was a kid. I didn't know where it was. So we'd start walking around and then she would come up with this conspiracy theory that it had been stolen. So we'd flag down the mall cop, right, that's driving the parking lot.

And she'd be like, my car's been stolen. And so the guy, I remember one time we got in his truck and it had like the fake siren on it and all that stuff. We get in his truck and we start driving around the mall. And it was on the other side of the mall. It was there the entire time. I had that same thing happen to me with my oldest. He was at the gym here in Oklahoma City that's in a mall parking lot. There's like 10 entrances. So he calls me and he's like,

mom, my car's been stolen. You need to call the police. And I was like, I'm not calling the police. Are you sure you went out the right exit? So he gets madder and madder and madder that he can't find his car, yelling at me that the car's stolen. Why won't I call the police? Why am I laughing at him? Because I kept saying, your car's there. You just went out the wrong exit. He's like, no, I didn't. You're not taking this seriously. So he comes out and he goes,

I found it, click. And I'm just like, this is not a me problem. This is a you problem. Know where you parked your car. I just don't understand how you don't know where you parked your car. And my thing is, I've done that before where I didn't know I parked my car, but I'll be damned if I was going to call the police. I mean, I would have walked every foot of that parking lot before I would call the police because I know myself enough to know if the car's lost, it's because I can't find it.

Yeah. With my mother, it's been a decades-long problem that I remember vividly from my own childhood. And then my kids, who are now almost 18 and 21, they'll say, yeah, I remember when Mimi used to take us to the zoo. And then we would spend like an hour looking for the car. And then my siblings' kids, same thing. Everybody has this experience with my mother. There's just a mental block right

with finding the vehicle after having parked it a few hours prior, maybe even sometimes 30 minutes prior. But oftentimes during my childhood, we would go to the grocery store and she would leave and she left me at the grocery store. She forgot she had me. That's my favorite I've ever heard. And here's the situation. Like, I just, I didn't freak out. I just went to the front desk and I'm like, I think my mom left me here. And I'm like five, right? Yeah.

There's no cell phones. This was way back. I'm at the grocery store. And, you know, finally, somebody would realize, oh, my God, we forgot Jennifer. And then somebody would come back and get me. And, you know, that was it. Did I ever tell you about when I got myself locked in the trunk of my mom's car? What? Okay. So when I was little, I'm probably 7, 8, 9.

I would always beg my mom to let me ride in the trunk from our house to the grocery store. And it wasn't very far. And of course she was... What? What? You wanted to ride in the trunk? I wanted to ride in the trunk. I thought it was cool. So when... I have a lot of questions. Was this like a station wagon that had like a glass window? No, no, no, no. This was like a sedan. Like kidnapped? Kidnapped in the trunk of the car. Yes. Okay.

This explains. Well, it explains why I'm claustrophobic because here's what happened. It also explains your choices in a lot of things, primarily men, but go on. So I was like, we were getting ready to go to the grocery store. And I was like, mom, let me ride in the trunk. Let me ride in the trunk. And she was like, no, I'm not letting you ride in the trunk. And so we're walking out to the car and she's like, oh, I forgot my purse. I'm going to run in. And I was like, okay. So I run in.

I mean, I ran out to the car, I pile in the trunk, shut the trunk, and I'm just waiting there for her because I'm like, oh my gosh, I get to ride in the trunk. She's not, you know, here I go. Well, when she went in there, she thought, oh, I'll just make something that I have in the house. I don't need to go to the store. So she starts cooking dinner and I'm locked in the trunk of the car. And it's like a sedan, like it's a trunk trunk.

And I wait and I wait and I wait. She doesn't come. She doesn't come. I start panicking, like having a panic attack. Start screaming. No mom. Scream, scream, scream. Finally, I become absolutely hysterical. Kick the speakers out from the back of the car. So I could just barely reach my head out of the speakers, but I made a hole in it and I was screaming and she comes running out and

And I am in a flop sweat, panic attack, like so upset. It was unbelievable. And then she was mad at me because A, I'd screwed up the car. And B, she's like, why are you in the trunk anyway? That's weird. But anyway, after that, I never wanted to be in the trunk again. Now I'm claustrophobic. Well, I would imagine I'd be furious with my kid if they locked themselves in the trunk and then destroyed my car. Yeah.

I mean, yeah. I mean, I think that's. That was fair. Totally fair. Welcome to I've Had It, where we just had a big reveal as to the psyche of the star of our show, America's greatest penile shamer, America's greatest legal mind, and apparent, I don't know what that means, wanting to lock yourself in the trunk, but it's. Hostage wannabe. Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe it was a cry for attention, but I didn't get it. I got negative attention. Yeah. All right. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. Kylie, what's going on on the internet? I've got some reviews for you. Okay. We've got five stars titled Miserable Hags, and they write, these hags are insufferable. If I wanted to listen to two miserable lesbians, I'd go volunteer to build a Habitat for Humanity house in Phoenix in the middle of the summer. Okay.

And then I've got a positive one, five stars, and it's titled "Adopt a Lesbian" and they write, "These two ladies are everything I've ever wanted from a mother. I was adopted from Russia by a helicopter mom who thinks she is holier than thou. If I knew the woman that I didn't consent to raise me wasn't going to be anything like Jennifer or Pumps,

I would have chosen to be a runaway orphan. Now that I'm a 25-year-old homosexual with raging mommy issues, I've taken it upon myself to pick a new mother. If either of y'all is interested in a young, mature, blonde, attractive, intelligent, wildly patriotic lesbian female, I'll pack my bags and be at your door effective immediately.

I love that. Yeah, I do too. I love that she didn't pick her mother, but I guess she was adopted from Russia, she said, right? Yeah, the mom picked her. She didn't choose the mom. She didn't choose the mom. The mom picked her. And I just want to tell her, I too have mommy issues. It's a thing. Yeah. So I feel for you there. Despite my mother leaving me in grocery stores and at home growing up, I really...

I don't have mommy issues. No, uh-uh. That's one area. I mean, I have a lot of other issues, listener. Don't get it twisted. I mean, a plethora of issues, but that's not one. Pumps for when I think of summer smells, I think of the smell of sunscreen, salty beach air, maybe some barbecue, somebody's barbecuing in a yard next. And unfortunately, I also kind of think of body odor because some people just kind of stink.

It really can be bad in the summer. And I like to work out at lunch. So I have to have my Lume all over body deodorant and wipes because it keeps me from having to worry about smell.

I absolutely love my Lume products. They have transformed my entire personal hygiene regimen. You know, I play a lot of pickleball and tennis, and I use the Lume all over body deodorant. I put it on my feet before I put on my socks and tennis shoes. Game changer. I smell as fresh as a daisy. As a special offer for our listeners, new customers get 15% off Lume.

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Bye.

All right, listeners, today we are going to hear from you. Kylie and Seth have stockpiled voice memos. It's been a while since we've heard your voices. I'm excited. So Kylie, let's have at it. All right. Up first, we've got Tammy, who's a part of our Patreon cult. Love Tammy. I know exactly who Tammy is. She's been to four live shows. We love Tammy. Pacific Northwest. Pacific Northwest.

So I was at Target, which is like California's version of Walmart, Jennifer, in case you don't know. Anyways, I was at Target and this lady had a stroller with like a toddler in it. And on the stroller, she had cranked on and connected a cup holder.

In said cup holder was one of those big-ass 44-ounce Stanley cups, bright white, straw sticking out, you know. Anyways, she goes to go around the corner, and as she turned the stroller, the Stanley cup tumbled out of the cup holder and landed on the toddler's head, bounced off the baby's head, and onto the ground.

The funniest part of the story is not the toddler getting injured by the Stanley Cup, but the lady literally dove on the ground to pick up her Stanley Cup as it was bouncing prior to checking on the toddler's head that the Stanley Cup had just impaled. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it.

These Stanley cups, they're dangerous even for toddlers. I mean, this is just, this is the kind of whistleblowing that I've been doing. This is the type of public service I've been trying to provide. Now the Stanley cups are taking out children and the mothers don't care about the children. They care about the cups. Stanley cups are a fetish. It is just so wildly uninteresting to,

I don't understand why everybody's so thirsty all of a sudden. Where did this come from? Why is everybody so dehydrated? You know what I think it is? What? I think you see a lot of like...

Dehydration as far as people wanting tension. They seem really thirsty on the internet. I think that's manifested itself into literal dehydration and because they live in the same space people have Stanley cups always are taking videos and images and all this shit of their Stanley cups like that's something to brag about. Hey, look everybody. I have a cup. It's kind of like if we were to make a big thing about breathing and

We're going to start... I'm breathing. We're breathing. We have these breathing devices. We're breathing. We're breathing. We're breathing. It's not even that interesting. You drink water. Shut the fuck up about it. Get over your cup. It's like... Also, I think it's like this really weird extension of like, you know, babies have their bottles. Now you have these adults that have to carry around their cups with them all the time. And it's just...

I've had it. It makes me want to never drink water. Just makes you want to go complete dehydration all the time. Exactly. So I wonder if you should add to your field study and your field research, Stanley Kipp, Maga Rowley.

dehydration or Stanley Koepp dehydration. Kind of put that all in your study. Well, I'll tell you, in my case study, I'll share with you and the listener exactly the evidence that I have. So I have this friend. She's America's greatest legal mind. She talks about small penises all the time.

I never really knew what a Stanley Cup was. I just know that this friend used to order, before Stanley Cups came out, a box of Styrofoam cups. And this box would arrive in her garage. She'd have it shipped to herself or she'd go to like Costco or somewhere and get it. The box was the size of a box that you could put a full-blown washer and dryer in. It was the biggest box I'd ever seen. Right.

And inside the box were all these sleeves of all these styrofoam cups. And this friend, the one that talks about small penises, really smart lawyer, sharp as a tack, she always had these big, large cups with all this iced tea, with all this Splenda in it every day, everywhere we went, all these beverages toting around nonstop. Then all of a sudden she gets the Stanley. Then all these people on the internet have these Stanleys.

Well, my friend had this problem where her Ozempic wasn't working. So she's over at the doctor and they're doing all this blood work. They're doing all this testing. We all know about the pellet she had to have crammed up her ass. Well, during all of this testing, they discovered that she was dehydrated, which was fascinating to me because I had never in my life seen somebody consume so many liquids.

With this particular friend, there was a liquid going in her body at all times. And when she wasn't consuming that, she was peeing at all times. What is going on that she's that thirsty all the time? I don't know. I mean, I'm just happy that you haven't found your way to a Trump rally. And I think if not for the listeners and Kylie and me holding you accountable, January 6th could have been, it could have gone either way. Yeah.

I'll tell you what, you know what my takeaway from that whole story is? I've come a long way in my environmental development. No more styrofoam. So kudos to me. You have and I will say.

I've noticed the more you're in on this anti-Trump algorithm, the less I see the Stanley Cup around. Because I keep it in my car because it's a treat when I get to my car. Right. But what you're not getting is I don't see the toting. I didn't have enough cup holders to accommodate all the shit that you had to schlep around. It reminded me of not only did I have my iced tea styrofoam cup, I used to carry around ice water in a styrofoam cup.

And tea. So everywhere I went with me, I had two 44 ounce cups. It was a goddamn nightmare. It was. It was a cup holder, real cup holder issue. I'll tell you what, the toddlers are getting hit by these cups. Half of America is getting hit by these cups. Just can we not quit drinking so much water or advertising about it? Just drink water and shut the fuck up.

Right? Well, I think I'm just afraid I'm going to get thirsty somewhere. I hydrate. I just don't talk about it, nor do I post about it on social media. Maybe we should start doing a whole Instagram thing about peeing. Why don't we do that? We could do it about my stage fright. The underbelly of Stanley Cups. Here's the piss. Here's how you get it in, and here's what happens when it comes out. The circle of life, as it were. All right, Kylie, who's next? All right, up next, we've got Logan.

Hi, Pumps and Jen. I've had it with people on social media that make a post about some bullshit tiny update in their life, but they post it like...

Hi, everyone. I'm thrilled to announce blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, I'm thrilled to announce I'm moving to a new apartment. I'm thrilled to announce I have this tiny update in my life. I'm thrilled to announce I got a free coffee today.

And it's something I don't care about. And it's something nobody cares about. But they say this like I'm thrilled to announce as if they're standing in front of a microphone in front of a huge crowd and everybody's listening. I'm like, baby girl, you have 125 followers and half of them are probably your family. I couldn't care less.

I'm thrilled to announce I bought a new Stanley cup. I'm thrilled to announce to my family and friends that I got a water bottle this morning. I'm thrilled to announce that I peed four times today. I'm thrilled to announce that Pumps hasn't been laid in 2,974 days. I'm thrilled to announce that Pumps has not come out of the closet yet. I think...

that what that is called is grandstanding at its purest form. First of all, I love that he said, baby girl, you have 125 followers. I mean, that was great. That was just chef's kiss right there. Because that's true. People don't care if you got a free coffee. They don't care if you're moving. The only people that care you're moving are the people that you might know that are going to come to your house, which is less than 125 people. You know, I just think there's like this

This every there's this brokenness about society where we have replaced real human connection, right? With digital connections and so then you have this thirst trap thing on the internet Where people want to announce that they're thrilled to announce that? You know, they got laid or they bought a new Stanley Cup or whatever and then they're seeking this superficial feedback in the form of likes or comments and it's just

The situation about the Internet is this.

If you put your phone down and you left your house for 10 hours that day, nothing that happens on your fucking phone matters. None of those interactions really matter. I think people, when we first started doing this, we would read hate comments and die laughing. And people would be like, God, you know, I like the way y'all do that. And I'm like, it really, what somebody says about you on the internet doesn't matter. We've given it all this power that it matters good or bad. I mean, yes, there's a great way to like,

see a friend and they had a baby or they went on some cool trip. But at the end of the day, sometimes I wish I didn't know all this information about other people. Right. I,

I used to value getting one Christmas card a year. I got one update a year about people that I like, but I don't see very often that aren't in my inner circle. And so it was nice to get a yearly update. Oh, look how much their kids have grown. Now it's just all day, every day updates on their life. And it's like, I don't give a shit unless you're doing something crazy on the internet. Like,

Like having a nervous breakdown, really not that interested. Right. I just, I think we know too much about everybody. I think we're, and then we're making announcements that aren't important. I'm thrilled to announce I'm getting Botox later today. Are you? No, I just got it. All right, Kylie, who's next? Okay. We have a song from Nick G for you, Jenny. Okay. Okay.

Hey, don't be fooled by the pumps that I got. I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block. Step on my court and you're bound to flop. And wherever I go, know I came from OKC. Got blue cow hide on my wall. I'll still whip your ass and pickleball. Flipping the bird to power moms.

And wherever I go, now I came from OKC. Hey, you buggin', if you ever thought that you could top this. Gucci blouse, but pumps topless. Got a family weekend, Jenny got this. Five rehab stints, J-Dub, don't flinch. It's J to the E-double-S. I-C-A, hashtag blessed.

Bitch. Woo!

Step your furniture up, bitch. Jay Welch is in the motherfucking house. I love you. Oh, my God. I love you. That was fantastic. That is an ode. It was to me. Musically set. Oh, my God. I don't know that I'm worthy of that. That was so fun. That is fantastic.

Blue cowhide rug from OKC. Hit on everything. The pie. Nick G. From Patreon. That's what's the good stuff's going on in Patreon. Nick G. Gets me. Yeah. Nick G. Totally gets me. Like I've never felt so seen in my life. Not by you. Not by Josh. Not by anybody. Nick G. Is is inside of my heart. I'm unzipping my body.

Putting him inside and then zipping him back up because that's where Nick G is going to live. Just right by your heart. Yeah. That was great. That was fantastic. You know what that is? Love. It's a great listener. That's a great listener and that's love. I like particularly at the end, woo. Oh, OKC. OKC.

Nick G, I love you. I feel so seen. I mean, it's only taken 49 years of my life for somebody to finally see me much younger than you. It's only taken 49 years, but somebody finally sees me because I've had to deal with all of this jealousy from my older friend who's never going to be as young as me. That's true. And so...

Nick G, I love you. All right, Kylie, who's next? All right, up next we've got Josh. Hey, Jen and Pumps. This is Josh from Milwaukee. And I just wanted to elaborate on this top knot headband business that you discussed the other day. Can we please add the wide brim hat to this atrocity? Because as a hairstylist, my fellow Midwestern girly hairstylists,

Why the hell are you wearing some pastel colored wide brim hat inside? You look ridiculous and stupid. Get that goddamn thing off of your head.

Please, can we campaign against this? The gays are upset by it. The straights are upset by it. Ladies, get the wide brim hat off of your head. Love you both. Love you both. Love Josh. I mean, here's the thing.

I'm glad that our bringing attention to the top knot headband is now we're identifying other things that look ridiculous. We're putting it all under the same umbrella. Yeah, we have an umbrella of ridiculous shit you can put on your head. Yeah, and here's the deal. I agree with Josh. I think if you're wearing a hat, particularly pastel color, wide brim, indoors,

you're hiding something. I mean, you're hiding. You're hiding a big forehead. You're hiding bad hair, thinning hair. Something is going on. You're hiding. What do they call it? Hat fishing. Hat fishing? Yeah, like cat fishing. Oh, hat fishing. Hat fishing. Yeah. I just, I think there's a big forehead underneath those hats a lot of times. You know, I, I, uh,

I just have problems sometimes when I'm out and about. And I love to people watch. I genuinely do. I do too. But oftentimes I think, like, what prompted all this? Is this inner child shit? How did we get here? Is it genetic bad taste? Does that person look in the mirror and says, fucking nailed it today?

I think they did. Top of your game. I'll tell you what. I think they look in the mirror and they think they nailed it. And here's why I think that. Let's review all of the looks that Josh Welch has had. And each and every look that he has had, I promise you, he looked in the mirror and said, you nailed it today. Yeah, no, that's 100% true. We went through the kind of like indie Josh where he kind of grew his hair out. And then we went through the- It was kind of layered.

And then we went to the era where he did these unfortunate top knots. Yeah. Man buns. Man buns. And they were awful. And I screamed from the rooftops, don't do that. That doesn't look good on you. I think that looks terrible. I refused to pull his hair up in a ponytail. So he went to the most codependent person's house that he knows. Me. Yours. You did his hair for a year or two there. Yeah.

Then he went through an Amish phase where he had his hair kind of grown out like an Amish person with the beard. And then he went kind of through this rock and roller phase where he wore all this street stuff. Now he's into like what I would call his Euro phase, which is probably his best. But each and every look that he had, he thought he nailed it. But what's so hilarious about Josh now is if I say...

held up a picture. I'm like, look at this. When you were kind of in your Amish phase, he goes, awful. Yeah. Awful. I looked ridiculous. Yeah. Josh will own it. Yeah. On the top knot sitch, I was talking to this lady. We were in line and she had a top knot on it, on a headband, but it was so bad. It had like pearls attached to it, like bedazzled with pearls. And

And I couldn't even take my eyes off of it to make eye contact. She had to know I was staring at it because I was just like, what the fuck is going on here? Like, and she was older. I mean, she wasn't as old as me, but she was definitely in her 40s. And I'm just like, you're too fucking old to be wearing a five-year-old's headpiece. I don't mind a headband. I don't mind a scarf.

The top knot headband is where I draw the line. It just looks ridiculous. I don't understand anything about it. And I've never seen one on somebody that I thought it made them look better. Pumps, doing the podcast, our other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships, it

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Just search for health hacks empowering you to live well. All right, Kylie, who's next? All right, next we've got Emma. I have had it with birthday cards.

I go to Walgreens, CVS. I find the shittiest birthday cards. First of all, no one asked you to make a birthday card religious, okay? Jesus doesn't give a fuck at your birthday. Two, all of these have like these sappy, inspirational messages. Cut the shit. Cut the jokes. I just want a birthday card that says happy birthday and looks nice and that isn't $9. I've had it.

So you know what a lot of people do to me? What? My kids, friends, they intentionally buy me the sappy Jesus birthday cards. Really? Like the religious birthday cards? As a joke. Oh my God, I love that. And they're hilarious. Like Mother's Day, Dylan will get me like...

You know, it's real Jesus-y, real church-y. God-created mothers. Yes. And he does the same for Josh. And then we're like, you know, just a blasphemous family dying, evil cackling, how hilarious we think it is. But when you give the religious birthday card to a non-religious family,

cold hearted person like myself that's super cynical. It's great humor. Right. It's really it's funny. I want to say lean into it. Like just buy somebody like who's, you know, a total liberal, like a Trump birthday card or buy a Trump or like a total liberal birthday card. Remember when I wanted to start my own business? No, I don't. With greeting cards? Like breakup cards? Like after you broke up with somebody? Yes.

So like, yes, I do remember your card business, my card business. And I would sit around and say what I was going to have in my card business, like what my card would say. So it would say on the front, you know, now that we're broken up, I need to tell you and you open it up and it says, your dick is too little. That was one. Then since the breakup, I've realized something and you open it up.

your mother's a fucking cat. You know, just like mean, mean, mean, mean cards. I used to want to do that. I remember it now. I'd forgotten. Yeah. Because I really think it would make a gazillion dollars. We've had so many rock solid ideas that we've never followed through on. And that was one of your best. I mean, it's a miracle we didn't follow through on it. It's such a bad idea. It actually is a good idea though, isn't it? It's actually a really good idea. It's a really good idea. Like different...

hateful things you could say to somebody after you broke up. Like... What were you going to name it? Hate cards? No, it was more clever than that. But I can't... God, it's been a long time. I have to think about it because it was a pretty clever name. Yeah, it was. I forgot about your little hustle that you never took over the finish line. I never took over the finish line. Here's one. Now that we're getting divorced, I need to tell... Oh, I know what it was. Not the name. But my favorite card was Happy Valentine's Day. You open it up and it says...

We have two kids, a mortgage together. Happy fucking Valentine's Day. Just like that's why we're together. That was your best. But that was like the one I wanted the most. I think it's the one that hit. Happy Valentine's Day. And then you open it. We have two kids and a mortgage together. Happy Valentine's Day. Yeah. Just.

Just like happy Valentine's Day on the front of the card and then also closing the card. Right. But then you make in the middle, you make the note. The only fucking reason we're together is we have kids and a mortgage. Period. Full stop. Right. Zero love. Zero gushy. How about this? Happy Valentine's Day. And then you open it up. I really don't like it from behind. How about this? Happy Valentine's Day. You're a terrible lay. Happy Valentine's Day. You open it up.

Nobody likes a soft serve. How about that? That's a great one. Yeah. That is a great one. Kylie, can you think of any? Yeah. For a husband, happy birthday and you open it up and it says, I'm not looking forward to tonight because you know you have to fuck him tonight. Yeah. Something about that, about how bad the night's going to be. Yeah. That's what I was brainstorming on. Happy birthday. Open it up. I'm dreading having sex with you tonight all day. Perfect. Happy birthday. Yeah.

You have a small penis. That would be something in your wheelhouse. I think your dick is too little is far more aggressive and better said. Your dick is too little? Your dick is too little. There's a lot of good ones you could do.

I think that's a great business idea. I think I would buy those. I think people would buy them. We talked about it for, I think, a solid year in between investigations that we were conducting. We had a lot of great ideas. We just had these kids that kept us from doing a lot of stuff that we wanted to do because we had to take care of them. But she could be a billionaire right now. How about this? Happy Valentine's Day.

My vibrators are better laid than you. That's a good one. That's a good one. I could do this all day. I could do it all day. Happy birthday. I hate your parents because they made you. How about that? Happy birthday. I hate your parents and your parents' parents because all of it ended up with me being with you.

If you could redo the condolence card, what would it say that Jenny had to sign for your mother-in-law? Ding dong, the witch is dead. Short, sweet, to the point. It's interesting, you know, Kylie brings up a good point. You made me sign the card secretly. You were machinating on your own evil card business. Yeah. That might have been before the card business, but it was subconscious. Yeah. It was just all rolling around in there. Yeah. Yeah, we got lots of good ideas for these cards.

We should take it over the finish line. What was the name of the business? I don't know. I've had it. Greeting cards is what it's called now. I've had it. Greeting cards. Trademark. Trademark. Don't copy our stuff. We'll see you. Pumps is a lawyer. All right, Kylie. Last one. All right. The last one is from Katie. I've had it with people who set their own contact photo and

like in your phone, like that feature that Apple has where it'll be like, this is the suggested contact photo for Bob Smith.

And it's like a selfie of them. Like, no, I fucking hate when people set their own contact photo. I don't want to use whatever selfie you thought was cute that day. I want to use a picture of SpongeBob as your contact photo. Like you don't get it. This is my phone. This is my phone. And this is America. And I'm a patriot. You cannot pick what your contact photo is in my phone. I've had it.

I think I have picked my own photo. I know you've picked your own photo. And I completely agree with her because that happens to me all the time. It wants me to update the photo. Sometimes it's like a caricature, like cartoon of somebody. And I'm just like, what's that called? A bitmoji? Yeah. I'm like, I don't want this stupid shit in my phone, but it just keeps reminding you and reminding you. So you just fucking do it because it's the path of least resistance. But I always find it so interesting when somebody sends me a contact and

And it's like the most glamorous picture they've ever taken of themselves. Like they've had a professional photo shoot done. Glamour shot. A glamour shot. And I just think you're a fucking tool. What I like about her is that I totally followed her train of thought where you just, you've had it with something and then you just want to go, this is America and I'm a patriot. I mean, you just want to be, I'm a human being.

You just want to defend basic principles. That's right. Just, just, this is America for God's sake. I loved. It's my phone. It is her phone. It's my phone. It's America.

I'm a patriot. You know what I think we got to get rid of? What? Business cards. Yeah, but the other day I feel like I wanted a business card and I can't remember why. But I remember I was like, I wish I had a business card to give that person. And you go, nobody gives business cards anymore. Just put the contact in your phone.

I just, I don't want a business card. Somebody gave me one recently and then I just immediately took a picture of it and then handed the card right back because I don't want the, I don't want the debris. I don't want this debris. Josh Welch has business cards that he hands out like fucking Pez candy to anybody and everybody. And I'm just thinking nobody wants your business card. Right. You could play cards with all of the business cards. Yeah. We just need to like, you know, tap the phones and exchange information. Just a little phone kiss. Yeah.

That's probably more efficient. I wonder if... For you, because I know that's probably not hardcore enough for you. So you can do that. Yeah, that's me for sure. Yeah. 2000 days later. Happy Valentine's Day. I never want to French kiss you ever again.

Great one. French kissing, you know, that's the first thing to go. For sure. It's the first thing to come and it's the first thing to go. Because you get to a place in a relationship where sex is less intimate than French kissing. There's something about French kissing that is so intimate. And at the beginning days of a relationship, it is just massive.

Smackdown, Smackface, City, you can't get enough. You can't get enough. All the French kissing. No. And then you get to the tail end. Like how many years do you think you went while actively married to your husband that you never French kissed? It's interesting you say that. Good. Because I had a girlfriend and I were talking about, and I remember being super pregnant with Luke. So that's going to be almost 19 years ago.

And we're sitting there and she was like telling me how she just, the thought of French kissing her husband, like made her physically ill. Like I can't do it. It just makes me gross out. And I said, I don't think I've French kissed the last two birth conceptions that I had. Like there was no French kissing. So I am going to go out on a limb and say probably five years into the marriage, there was zero French kissing after that. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you a follow-up question.

The married man that you had the affair with, did you French kiss him? Yeah. Did you enjoy it? Yeah. All right. You know, it's always easier to French kiss someone that you're not in a relationship with, I feel like. Don't you think? Yeah. Like once you get comfortable and stuff, you're just like, eh. There's something really, when you know somebody, that makes French kissing really intimate. Yeah. It's really weird. It's a weird dynamic. Like you said, it's the first thing to come. First thing to go. Yeah. Yeah.

Just one more follow-up question and then we'll let everybody go. The married man, penis size? Nice size. Okay. All right. Good. All right. Well, join us on Patreon for our post show. We'll dive into that immediately. Pumps, tell them. We will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. I'll tell you what I've had it with. Pumps, doing the podcast, our other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships, just

Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it. Pumps doing the podcast or other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships.

Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it.