Lip to Lip Action
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One, two, three. I almost said ready. Oh, like my cheerleading days. That was a catastrophe. I kind of liked it. Ready. I mean, all right. Our head cheerleader, Pumps, is here today. Pumps, what have you had it with? You'll love what I've had it with today because I have had it with you. Oh, excellent. Let's hear it. So this is what happens when we're traveling. Okay. Jennifer and I share a room. Yep.

We get up in the morning. Because you're obsessed with me, but go on. Yes. I was just kidding. Wait to share a room with you. So we get up in the morning. We get coffee, a double shot of espresso. Yep. Within five minutes, Jennifer is taking 25 victory laps about her poop.

She's rubbing it in my face. Yeah. I'm going. It's time. I'm doing it. She knows that's all I want to do. And it's so hard for me to do it on trips. Yeah. And you just get in there and you rub it, rub it, rub it right in my face. And then she even came out last time and said, you know, I enjoy a morning poop, but I just enjoy it so much more knowing that you can't have one. Yeah.

That's all. All of that is true. Everything that she just said is true. And I have zero regrets. And I'm so glad she brought it to our listeners' attention. Because we do. We have this routine in the mornings. We have double shot of espresso.

backed up by a cup of coffee to get everything going. Right, get moving. Within five minutes, I've got to go and I just can't help but break out into a smile and look over to my dearest friend on the planet and say, I'm about to go take a shit. And she goes, you are the biggest cunt ever.

in America. And I go, I know, I love you. So then I go and I come back out. I'm kind of dancing around the room, victory lapping, victory lapping. And she's flipping me off, calling me terrible names. And this is just a way that we show our love for each other. It's a love thing. It is. But the last time you did it and you were just like,

Like, I mean, you seriously were beaming for about 10 minutes. Yeah. You're like, I'm just it makes me so happy knowing how bad you want it. And I already have it. I enjoy the bowel movement so much more knowing how angry it makes you and how jealous it makes you. It just adds an extra layer of enjoyment. But you brought up the perfect had it because it's about me taking victory laps. Right. And I just want to say there's nothing on the planet today that I've had it with because I'm a beacon of hope.

positivity, and resolving conflicts. And so for the listener that's not a member of Patreon, let me share with everybody what's been going on in our Patreon. All right. So we have this Patreon cult. All right. It's grown to a really wonderful group of people. Right. That we love. We have a lot of camaraderie. There has been an uprising within the cult.

From the LGBTQ plus community, particularly the gay men whom I will affectionately refer to from this story moving forward as the gays. And so the gay Patreon sect, they're on me like a tick on a dog. And I think everybody that's joined Patreon, our love language is to talk shit with each other. Yeah. And everybody's got thick skin. So these gays have been on me like you wouldn't believe. It's ridiculous.

They started, it all started with a fellow named Alex Christopher. And he starts just berating the shit out of me. Because for those of you that have seen our reels and stuff on TikTok or Instagram or YouTube, you know we have a blue cowhide wallpaper wall behind us. And when it was papered in, we kind of made this makeshift cover for the outlets that

And the Patreon gaze headed up by a colossal shitster named Alex Christopher, just they started in on me. I can't look at anything when I watch the YouTube episodes except for that outlet. I can't believe a designer of your stature would allow the outlet to be like that. And they just went on and on and on. And I got defensive, flapped around, and I got riled up. And they played me like a goddamn faggot.

fiddle. Got under your skin so bad. And here's the thing. It's because I knew that the gays were right. I knew that they were 100% right. I knew that Alex Christopher was right, but he riled them all up. And they just like to get out their salt shaker and their lemon juice and expose my wound, rip the bandaid off and just pepper the salt in, squeeze some lemon juice in and then spit on it because they're just petty queens, right? Yeah.

Well, I'd had it. I'd had it up to my eyeballs with this shit. It was post after post. Anytime I was in the Patreon chats, any post anywhere, they're all in there chiming in about the makeshift kind of camouflage of the outlet cover.

So I had had it earlier today when we were doing our documentary club and I called my wallpaper installers. They were here within the hour. We removed all the electrical plates. We were able to cut in the cow hide and now you can't see any of it because all

I had had it so much with the Patreon gays. I wanted to bring over these grievances from the Patreon to the regular episode to take this victory lap to tell every single one of them, fuck you. I fixed the wall. What's next?

What else do you guys have for me? Well, you know they really wanted you to drive your car through the wall. Well, they knew it was escalating to such a place. They figured that at some point I was probably going to drive my SUV through.

through the wall. And here's the thing, they weren't wrong. No, they were close. I was considering buying entirely new wallpaper and just redoing the whole wall because they were just sitting up in my craw, the gays were, so badly. But here's the thing, they were correct. And this is why I'm such an ally.

They make life better. Look at all the turmoil that I just went through. But look at how fucking great this wall looks now. Yeah, you would never even know that there was a problem ever. Yeah. So I haven't really had it with anything. I'd had it with them. They were right. I got it fixed. I'm taking a little victory lap because now I'm like, what are you going to gripe about in Patreon now? What's next? You'll find something. Oh, it's coming because he's already left breadcrumbs. There's something else on the set that bothers somebody. Oh, that's right. Yeah.

Yeah, anyway, welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She's the star of the show. She's America's greatest penile shamer. Kylie, you are. I don't know that anybody's better at shaming penises than you are. Name another person that's better at it than you. Well, I mean, everybody has to be really good at something. That's what I'm good at. You are a great penile shamer. You're welcome.

Which I have to say, is that kind of gay? Yeah, very. Is it? A lot of straight women, I think they like penises somewhat. I like a big penis. I don't love a small penis. Here's the deal, listeners. She is a size queen, all right? Which that's pretty straight. That's pretty straight. Being a size queen. Yeah. Oh, I have another thing I have to say. Hang on. Let me get up my calculator. Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. Say it. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. I'm Angie.

It's been 730 days since Pumps has been laid. Kylie, what's going on on the internet? I've got some reviews for you. This one is five stars titled, I Love It. And they write, these two women are the most bitter, pessimistic, and crotchety old broads I have ever seen or listened to. And I'm here for it. I'm in my late 20s and I can confidently say I want to be just like these two when I grow up.

Since I started listening, I've never felt more patriotic than I do now. No more feeling shame about my own bitterness. No longer will I feel bad about my pessimistic outlook on our country and its leaders. I now proudly embrace my negativity towards other so-called patriots. And I will blissfully continue to be disappointed in my country. American flag emoji. I have found my people. And yeah, I wrote this in all lowercase on purpose. Ha ha ha!

I'll tell you what, patriots, that's just a prime example of what we're doing to promote patriotism and make this country better. I'm going to point out that you said it wasn't a flag of Liberia. It was the flag of the USA. You know why that is?

Our listeners are smart. And just for the record, I love being called the broad. It's one of my favorites. I liked all the crotchety. I like it all. Yeah, I liked all that. And I like that she threw shade at us for writing it in all lowercase. Love it. Here's the thing people don't get about us. We give people shit. We really love it when people give us shit. We do. We kind of are into it. Something's wrong with us. We're both sadists and masochists. No question. Yeah. Okay, I've got...

some stuff from the internet for you. Okay. I'm going to start with a tweet really quick that I read today. And it says, breaking. A MAGA fan in Iowa accidentally burned down his house today trying to burn a gay pride flag. That checks out. That totally checks out. Nothing could be more MAGA than that. Yeah. I mean, right there. Nailed it. And that's karma. I mean, fucking asshole. And just abject incompetence and stupidity.

Abject incompetence. You can call it karma. I'll call it abject incompetence. My favorite response, someone replied and said, hope he had trailer insurance. Okay. A bar in Idaho has been going viral for their most recent Instagram post. So I'm going to read this to you. It's called the Old State Saloon. And they post a picture of a black and white flag with heterosexual gender symbols on it. Okay. Okay.

And the caption is, June will be our first annual heterosexual awesomeness month. Come join us all month to celebrate heterosexuals, for without them, none of us would be here.

Each Monday will be hetero male Monday and any heterosexual male dressed like a heterosexual male will receive a free beer. Each Wednesday is heterosexual couples day and each heterosexual couple will receive 15% off their bill. All right. I fucking hate them and their that's just they think this is how stupid this movement is.

They don't understand that being heteronormative doesn't, you've never really been bullied for that. You haven't had governments and laws and people take away your rights. They see it as gay people getting extra. Right. And what LGBTQ plus people want is same.

But they have to go out and make a heterosexual... Awesomeness. I remember in high school, in the probably early 90s, there was like Black History Month and...

I went to a predominantly white high school, but I remember just a lot of pricks at my high school. You know, Republican, Christian, Fellowship of Krishna, the whole nine, Oklahoma, right? Suburbs, you get it. Stanley Cups weren't invented yet, but they would have been rampant. Anyway, I remember some of the boys at school talking about wanting to have a European Heritage Week or European Heritage Month.

And I remember thinking, like, isn't that kind of like Nazi shit? But, you know, I was so young. I was maybe 15 or 16. But that's in that same vein. That's just fucking so gross. Listen to some of the responses people had.

This person commented and said, nothing says I'm totally not gay like having a special night to tell everyone how straight you are. That's true. And Jake responds and said, heterosexual males night sounds like a great place to meet dudes. Yeah.

And also, no surprise, but I looked into the saloon a little bit. They host things like Bible Verse Trivia Night. Of course. Open Carry Coffee Day, Christian Singles Mingle, and Conspiracy Theory Trivia Night, where the winner wins a fully semi-automatic assault rifle. I knew immediately when you read about the bar. I knew two things were true.

I knew they were Christians and loud and proud about it. And then I immediately knew they were gun nuts. All of these things live together. If you're a big outspoken Christian and you're then for sure you're a big gun nut and then for sure you're a big anti-gay bigot. And then it just goes on and on. I mean, it's just it's a type and they think they're so universally unique. And it's just like we all know exactly what you're into. Right. Right.

Here's the deal on that. I saw that before. And I've seen other people repost like against Pride Month. And so I've really been thinking like when I'm driving my car, like, what does it say about you as a person that somebody else that you don't know?

That it makes you feel good to be cruel and mean and other and less than somebody else for something that has nothing to do with you. Like being kind, saying be kind is like now it's a trigger. And I'm just like, when did being kind and inclusion and diversity, when did all that become dirty words? I just...

What kind of person are you when you're triggered by equality? The thing is, it's always been. All of this is an extension from starting from like the KKK shit. And it's just been going on and on and on. And

We keep trying to progress past it, but a lot of these people that believe this, that host the Christian Bible verse night and then put out that kind of shit, they feel justified in doing it because they think their anti-gay message is divinely inspired.

That's what's so problematic about this magical thinking. And I know a lot of people from time to time in the comment section jump on me about it. But the thing is, I'm going to continue to say this magical thinking that a lot of you cling on to hurts people. And we need to seek out...

in the modern world absolute truths and provable science. And the fact of the matter is, whether you like gay people or not, they exist and they're going to continue to exist. You can either be a dick about it, like...

like that and put that up in your bar. Or you can say, gosh, what do I give a shit who they sleep with? Why not be nice? But they can't because they believe they're divinely justified in doing that. And that's why it's so insidious and dangerous. They think it's a part of their religion. Well, they think guns are a part of their religion too. I mean, all of it goes together. But I just, I'm like, who wants to look at their child and say, I don't want you to be kind to someone.

I want someone to be less than you. That person's less than you. Millions of people. No, I know. But it just, I've been thinking about just how dangerous and sad and cruel that is. Ever since Pride Month started and all these backlash of people, it just, I'm just like, who wants to look in the mirror and say, I'm not kind?

I don't want other people to be equal. Millions of people have problems with interracial dating, have problems with... I know, but it's wrong. It's 100% wrong, but it's millions of people. Millions. It just seems more bold. And they are loud and proud about it. Yeah, they're proud of it. Yeah. Pumps, doing the podcast, our other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships, everything

Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

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Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it. Pumps, it is summer season. It is time to whip out those dynamite legs of yours. You've just got to make sure that they are...

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a nonprofit organization that saves the lives of millions of children and moms-to-be around the world by ensuring they get the vitamins and minerals they need to stay healthy and strong. Again, visit JustThriveHealth.com and use the promo code HATIT. All right. Today, Seth and Kylie have been reading in our email inbox and have found some very interesting

Fantastic. I've had it. Submissions of which I will do a dramatic reading. Love. All right. So the first one is from Sean and Colleen or Colleen's in it. Colleen, Colleen, Colleen, whatever. Colleen, Colleen, Colleen. 720 days. Here's what she sends.

I've had it with proud parent moment posts. When you make a proud parent moment post every week, it's just plain bragging. You're not proud. You're fucking dumb. I have no tolerance for your picture and post on Snap, Instagram, and Facebook. Posting on Snapchat,

Posting on one of those was too much. And now you put the same goddamn thing on all three. That's nauseating. My proud parent moment is when my 16-year-old gets off his computer for more than five minutes at a time. But do I go and brag to everyone about it? No. My act of rebellion is to never like a proud parent moment post.

Your kid could have flown to the moon and I will not like it because all these fuckers ruined it for you. Your kid is average. Accept it and move the fuck on. That's fantastic. It's fucking A plus on this assignment. A plus. I mean, it's so ridiculously true. Yeah. I mean, we've gone over and over and over. Your kid's only special to you. The whole internet doesn't have to know. She takes it one step further.

I mean, she shines it up all the way. I mean, it's just, it is so nauseating, the constant performative parenting online. You and I were at lunch earlier and we were talking about how sometimes parents make a

being a parent their entire identity. And it's a burden to their kids. We were specifically talking about Pumps is going to be an empty nester. And we're talking about these moms that sit and cry to their kids. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to miss you so much. You're going to college. I'm going to be all alone. And I think that's so toxic and fucked up. Although you may be personally sad that that chapter's over in their childhood, but

It's time as a parent to say, you need to go out. You need to do this. This is fun. This is the next chapter. This is the next step. When parents make their kids leaving the nest about them, I think it's really toxic and fucked up and puts this really weird burden on the kid. A lot of unnecessary pressure. No, it is. All right. Here is a review that Kylie and Seth found on, I believe it's Apple.

And the title is Lip to Lip. It's a five-star review. And they write, to the old hags running this liberal podcast, can we please talk about the women out here selling their used Lululemon? Listen up, ladies. No one wants your used vaginal juice at a price.

We all know you went commando on those little white Lulu shorts. Even the lesbians are asking you to stop this. They don't want this type of lip to lip action either. I've had it with the Lulu lemon used Facebook sale. I had no idea this lip to lip sale was going on. I didn't either. And I, but lip to lip is fantastic. There's all this lip to lip sale going on on Facebook. We had no idea.

This is troubleshooting right there. It's clearly not a part of the gay agenda because the lesbians have had it with it. They don't even want it. No. Yeah, I didn't know this was going on, but it doesn't surprise me it's going on on Facebook. Right. You know. Kylie, as a lesbian, do you oppose this? Oh, absolutely. I've seen people sell like used swimsuits. And that's the first thing I think. I'm like, I know your vag was right on this. And it's not in a hot way. Nobody wants it. There's just certain things I wouldn't.

It's like reselling your underwear. It's exactly what it's like. It's reselling your panties. Enough. Pumps isn't on Facebook reselling her panties. No, I don't wear panties. Primarily because she doesn't wear panties. She goes commando everywhere because she hasn't been laid in 720 days. Don't buy her stuff on Facebook. I would never sell my stuff because it's lip to lip. I would never assume you don't have to wear panties because nobody's taken them off in 720 days. That's right. It's not even something I have to worry about. Yeah.

All right. Next up, I've got Danielle. And Danielle says, I thought you guys would find this amusing because you cannot make this shit up. My wife is from England and there are some words that have different meanings there. Fanny is one. Here, we think of a fanny pack or someone's ass. Well, in England, it's a fucking vagina. Yeah.

I was going to meet my mother-in-law for the very first time, and I wanted to be more PC. My wife has always said she gets her ass from her mom. I'm sure you see where this is going. The very first conversation with her mother was me saying, Michelle says she gets her fanny from you, so I guess I should be thanking you.

My wife and her dad were set back having a beer and losing their shit. They both knew what I was trying to say, but her mom did not. For fuck's sake, I was talking to my mother-in-law about her and her daughter's vagina. Needless to say, it's a story that just won't fucking die. That will never die. So basically, to combine the last two grievances...

In the UK, it would be Fanny to Fanny. Fanny to Fanny. Fanny to Fanny used Lululemon on Facebook. What the fuck's going on on Facebook? I mean, a lot of crazy shit. Dried vaginal juice Lululemon items for sale. Well, people are buying like time with a Stanley Cup. Pictures of a Stanley Cup. Remember one that on Facebook? You know what? You know what? You bring up a great point. You bring up a great point.

We need to make some connections here. Okay. Starts with the suburbs. Goes to the Stanley Cup.

You get all liquored up because you didn't put water in your Stanley Cup. You put some white wine in, maybe even some boxed wine from the suburbs. You moseyed on over to Lululemon, got your ass in some stuff, all drunk and liquored up. You bought this shit. The next day you wake up, put it for sale on Facebook, replace the wine in your Stanley Cup with water. Next thing you know, you've sold your lip-to-lip brand.

or Fannie to Fannie, use Lululemon on Facebook, you've used that money to fund your trip to a Trump rally.

It's just a straight line. It's a straight line. It's just a straight line. Don't you think, Kylie? A hundred percent. I'm going to make you a Carrie Matheson board. Yeah. Because the connections you have made to a Stanley Cup. Yeah. We've yet to be proven wrong. Nobody's proven us wrong. Not one. I've been talking about these connections. I haven't seen any evidence to the contrary. I haven't seen any evidence in support of, but that's here and there. I actually have seen evidence in support of.

So you've seen someone with a Stanley Cup go to a Trump rally? No, because I don't go to Trump rallies. That's what I was going to say. No, but I've seen images of people at Trump rallies with Stanley Cups.

I'm sure there are. I have. Probably with like box one for sure. I've seen it. I've seen these Trumpers with their Stanley Cups because they have to go and stake out at the Trump rallies for hours. Hours and hours. Because he doesn't show up until super late. These people are heat stroking out in the desert now, getting hospitalized, all sorts of shit's happening, right? And I don't think there's a Stanley Cup big enough that can save these people from the dehydration this man causes, leaving them out in like 300 degree weather in the desert. Right. Right.

But anyway, all right. Next up, Mary sent us an email and she says, I've had it with people dripping with sincerity after they cancel plans, carrying on about how bummed they are, how much they were looking forward to this all week, proceeding to force me into an alternate time slash date. Bitch, please spare me.

You see, while you were profusely apologizing via text, I was putting my nightgown on whilst doing the type of dance that would qualify me for exercise celebration if only I were on a football field. Oh, happy day, I sing, shaking my wrist in the sky. Thank you, Lord Jesus. God is good.

I relate to that. I totally relate to that. I mean, totally. Please cancel your plans with me. Anytime you have plans with me, please cancel. Totally. I prefer to cancel. Totally. Yeah. I love a cancel. Yeah. And here's the deal. Don't you think, though, the older you get, you don't even try to fake it. You're just like, I don't want to go. I just don't want to go. You know, this is the one thing that's been kind of a bummer about our kids getting older. They were great. You don't have that built in excuse. I mean, listen up.

Kids are a major life change. But for those of you that are in the market or considering breeding or doing IVF, let me tell you one perk to breeding. After you've bred and you have these kids and you get invited to do shit, you can always say, my kid's sick. My kid has a game. My kid...

has a homework assignment I have to help him with. I can't find a babysitter. It is like a 20-year get-out-of-jail-free card. That and that alone is worth the price of admission. No, I agree. I mean, they are the perfect excuse. I think that probably is one of the

best when you make a list, pros, cons of breeding. Number one, that's probably top of the list. 100% excuse all the time. Yep. Absolutely. Completely agree. It works. Nobody questions it. Well, nobody's going to say, your kid's not sick. Right. Or don't stay with your sick kid. Don't go to your kid's game. I mean, it's a get out of jail free card every time. Yeah, it's fantastic. All right. Next up is Jude. Jude sent us an email. And Jude says...

I just listened to your ding-dong ditch episode. I had to share something. A kid in my neighborhood loved to piss off my 120-pound dog by tapping in my front window and running away. I caught him, told him to stop. He still did it. I spoke to his parents and no change. So it might be a bit crazy when my family is involved and my 120-pound baby was getting messed with. My daughter has a friend whose husband is a pro wrestler and his character is harsh, spooky, crazy, and to be feared. I'm going to share something.

I asked for him to visit in costume, and when the kid gets off the bus down the street, he did and told the little bastard to cut the shit with my dog. Some may say I went overboard, but all I say is it takes a village. Fucking love that guy. Yeah. I mean, I'm all for it. I mean, you keep messing with the bull, you're going to get the horns. Here's the thing. If somebody fucks with my dogs like that, I don't care if it's a kid or...

I don't care. I can't tolerate that. You don't fuck with somebody's dog. Well, you don't fuck with somebody else's property, whether there's a dog on it or not. Particularly the dog. Particularly the dog. People fuck with property all the time. That's a part. You know, people are going to jack with your shit. Fucking with your dog is an extra layer that I mean, hell hath no fury. If somebody fucked with my dog like that, I would just be completely unhinged.

We know. Yeah. What if somebody fucked with your new Frenchie, Liz? I would have no qualms. Like when he said...

You know, he went to the parents. The parents did nothing. I thought he was going to say something like really bad. Like he grabbed him by the shirt and was like, listen to me, you little motherfucker. You come on my property again, I'm sending you to jail. I mean, I'd go full head rotating around. I want a role play. You now have this new dog, Oliver Glitzer. Baby. That you're in love with. And he's in love with you. And you're his mother. He's your biological child. It's a bond relationship.

I think probably that surpasses the bond you had with your own human children. Definitely when they were babies. But that's neither here nor there. So you've got this dog at home. You and Oliver Glizzard are at home. You're tending to your things, sucking out of your Stanley cup, vaping your lungs out, right? Nobody's business but yours. Your dog likes it all. And then somebody comes, taps on the window.

And Gliz gets all riled up. And then they told him, you're ugly. I don't think you're a cute dog. And then Gliz ran away sad. And they did it over and over again. How would you respond? And let's say it's a six-year-old kid. Well, I'd start with the parents. I might even, I don't know. That's a great question. Let me think about what I would do.

I mean, I would like vandalize his school books, go by him at the bus stop. That's what I'm talking about right there. And I'd like honk at him and mother fucker. I mean, I'd be crazy. Yeah. That's why, I mean, the wrestling guy, I think that was the least of the things he could do. Judy's the one that did that. Good kudos to her. Yeah. All right. Then we have Kelsey. Kelsey says, I've had it with parents wishing their literal two-year-olds happy birthday on social media. Yeah.

Happy birthday, sweet girl. We're so proud of you and love being your parents. Kelsey says, Cap locks. They don't have social media and can't read.

That's a great point. I never thought about it, but it's a fantastic point. Who are they sending that to? I guess for themselves, prosperity? I don't know. Okay, here's the thing. It irritates the shit out of me that it's a toddler, but if you posted about Oliver Glizzard, happy one-year birthday to my baby boy, Oliver Glizzard, I think it's the sweetest thing ever. I'd double tap it. I'd comment. I'd probably even do some sharing. Yeah.

Share it to people's DMs and share it to my story. But if it was a kid, I'd be like, your kid can't read. Why are you being such a dumbass? Right. No, it's a double standard. I just think that dogs are with us a finite amount of time. And so, yeah, she brings up a very good point. Quit wishing illiterate toddlers happy birthday on the Internet. They can't fucking read their illiterate toddlers. Right.

I like it. I think it's a great grievance. Next up, Teresa sent us an email and she says, Hello, Patriot Queens of the Bible Belt. I thank you for your service and I curtsy to all three of you. If you already covered this and I missed it, please cover it again. It bears repeating until it stops.

I fucking had it up to my eyeballs with the voting for kids on Facebook. I've never seen your little Aiden spelled A-Y-D-I-N-N play baseball, Karen. So no, I won't be voting for it for Athlete of the Week of your local news station where I don't live. Athlete of the Week goes to the player who has the best game, not the kid whose codependent mother bullies all of her contacts into clickbait voting for it. I fucking had it.

Take that voting energy to the polls, Karen, and leave your friend list the fuck alone. Thanks for listening and for the selfless sacrificing of your time and energy and bringing truth to lies, intelligence to stupidity, and your overall sexiness to the world. I'm in love with you, Teresa in Vermont. Love Teresa in Vermont. She's so right. This is so fucking right. I get these texts, please vote for my kid for this shit. And

Like if they're really the athlete of the week, why didn't they just fucking give them the award? Why are we doing all of this? I'll tell you what I've noticed with the athlete of the week. So you get the text, you do it, whatever. It's been open maybe two hours and you go and somebody has bought bots because they're kids athlete of the week. Like I think my kids was like 150 after like two days. I was like, that's great. Somebody's was like 8,000. What?

How do you buy a bot? What? I don't know. But like just it just it's unfathomable that everybody's kids between like 100 and 200 and then somebody's kids at like 8000. And it happens within hours. So not only are they sending the text, they're spending money to make their kid the athlete of the week. I've seen it at least 10 times.

That is, she's so spot on. I can't take it with that. I get those things like, did you vote? And I always tell the person, yeah, I never fucking clicked on it. I'm not fucking doing it because it is a bullshit award. If your student is so athletic and so great, why didn't the school just name him into such and just call it a day? Why are we all going through this circle jerk of voting? We've already been to school. Happens every week. Why the fuck are they taking that? Why is that democratic? Why?

Isn't that a skill set? My whole thing is, why do you care? But Jennifer, as you know, my dad had diabetes. So I worried that as I age that I will get diabetes. So I have signed myself up for...

for the best gift I can give myself, which is a Cygnus glucose monitor. Perhaps I think that's a great idea because I recently read the CDC estimates that there are approximately 96 million American adults, more than one in three that have prediabetes. And of those with prediabetes, more than 80% don't know they have it. So starting to monitor your glucose now is ways to tack on knowledge and awareness to your life and your overall health. Plus,

I think you can monitor what's working for you, what isn't. And my understanding is the more you monitor this and the more you keep your levels balanced, you're going to sleep better. You're going to live better. Listener, Cygnos removed the guesswork of weight loss and provided pumps with the tools and knowledge she needed to develop healthier habits. It combines glucose data from the CGM or continuous glucose monitor with an AI driven app to deliver real time glucose insights for optimal

optimal health and weight loss management. Right now, Cygnus has an offer exclusively for our listeners. Go to Cygnus.com, that's S-I-G-N-O-S.com and get up to 20% off select plans by using the code HADIT. That's Cygnus.com and use the code HADIT to get up to 20% off select plans for you today.

For this episode of I've Had It, we have proudly partnered with eHarmony. Pumps, out on those dating apps, you get people who are like, hey, what's up? It's so boring and it's so impersonal. That's why I like eHarmony. They have a compatibility quiz so you can avoid bad first date. Here's what I think is pretty cool about eHarmony, and I didn't even think about this, but a lot of people just have like a copy and paste tagline that they send out, like casting a big wide net.

Well, eHarmony has disabled the copy and paste post for first messages. So you get better messages that lead to better conversations.

First messages that say more than, hey, I mean, I just think that's way more appealing. eHarmony makes it easier to have better conversations. So you're already one step ahead when it comes to meeting someone who gets you. Listener, check out eHarmony. Take their compatibility quiz to get started today. Get who gets you on eHarmony. Okay, next up, we have Cody McKenzie who emailed us.

And they say,

Why the fuck does Jesus have to be involved in my bread baking? Yeah, okay. He allegedly did that whole fishes and loaves thing, creating the first ever homeless food shelf. And yeah, he basically guilted his followers into practicing pretend cannibalism by making his bread the body at the Last Supper. Gross. But unshockingly, as I'm a huge fan of your podcast, I'm not a Christian. I'm not a Christian.

I don't want Jesus weaseling his way into my kitchen hobbies. Also, and this is just the biggest crap I've had about this product. Jesus wasn't alive 900 years ago. 900 years ago, he had already been more than 900 years in the grave.

Oh, sorry, I forgot. He had already been 900 years zombified. So why the fuck is this sourdough starter being associated with him? Not only are these people shoving their religion into my yeast breads, but they're being historically inaccurate.

Do you want to know who was alive 900 years ago? Genghis Khan. Why can't we call it the Genghis Khan 900-year-old starter bread? At least with that name, hundreds of people who can claim him as their ancestor can make their sourdough bread and maybe say, thanks for the yeasty goo. Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great granddad. Okay, here's the deal. I want to point out, Cody, I want to point out, I agree with you on this, and I'm just going to tell you something.

You know, a lot of people put that little fish on their business cards. I use that as an opportunity to be a red flag. Right. Like, no, I immediately know, do not do business with the person who's advertising their religion in their business because they're hiding something. They're either a crook.

They're either, you know, for sure they're a Trumper. I mean, you know that right out of the gates. Anybody who feels so insecure about their religion that they have to advertise it on their business card or on the side of their cart, you know they're a fucking problem.

Well, and you know, here's the thing. The reason they continue to do that, the reason they're calling it What Would Jesus Do? Loaf is because people fucking buy it. It's the biggest, most effective grift of all time. It really is. I mean, it's just, it's unmatched. Really? It's on the Mount Olympus of grifts. I remember probably about 15 years ago, maybe 20, these WWJD bracelets everywhere. They were ubiquitous, right? Yeah.

And I thought those were a great indicator, a great cue that you could meet people and you could look down at their wrists and they'd have that WWJD. And I'd think to myself, nope, no thank you. Like I immediately knew we were not compatible as close friends. I would be socially kind and then I could just screw.

Right on out of there. And so I think the same thing is true for that, you know, that fish thing on the business cards. You immediately know those people are probably crooks. I mean, it's just it's or that when they have the Bible verses on that, there's to me, it just reeks of some profound insecurity that you have in your life that you're using this religion to mask and the insecurity meaning some sort of fuckery, some sort of sin. Tell me I'm wrong.

I can't. That's right. All right. Next up, we got Lou. And Lou says, I've had it with, and this is in quotes, choose which ad experience you prefer. I don't prefer any ads. And how would I even know which one I prefer when I haven't seen them yet? And again, who gives a fuck?

I agree. The interactive ad is just, it's obnoxious. It's so obnoxious. I used to get them a lot more than I do now. And I always put none of the above just to make it go away. I guess I don't experience this. I had it on. Oh, I think it was before I got the no ad YouTube. That's where I used to find it a lot. Oh, but you're a big YouTube watcher. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not a big YouTube watcher. Now I have like where I don't get ads anymore. I get these all the time.

And I fucking hate them because it pauses until you pick one. So you're watching a show and ads coming on. You have to go get your remote and do something. On your TV? Yes. Is it a YouTube app on the TV? No, it's like Hulu or whatever I use. You know what that is? That's a group of people.

around a conference table scrambling jets. That's what that is. They thought, here's what we're going to do. Let's workshop this. I know. Let's get our viewers more interested in the ads and we're going to make them interactive. Yeah, let's go take that out of the parking lot and scramble the jets. Fuck you PR teams that do the shit. Nobody likes you and your PR shit is stupid and scramble the jets is stupid. Although I now say it all the time. Yeah.

It's really one of my favorites. All right. Okay, wait, y'all. Before we end, I thought of what I'd do to that six-year-old that kept fucking with my dog. Oh, let's hear it. Okay, so I'd go at night. I'd get like a costume. I'd tap, tap, tap, tap on the window. I'd scare the living shit out of him and said, I'm going to come back unless you leave that dog alone.

Okay. Post-traumatic stress disorder type thing. Right. I totally support it. Okay. Then let's play the tape through the next morning. There's a woman, she's in a robe. She has a Stanley cap. She's got a headband with a top knot on it. And she's banging on your door, madder than a fucking Hornet. And you open the door and you're like, hello. And she's like,

Listen up, you fucking bitch. If you ever do that shit to my kid again, I swear to God, I'll take this fucking Stanley Cup and beat your fucking ass with it. What do you say? Go fuck yourself and shut the door? I like it. You said that so sociopathically. I just feel super calm. Okay. Bye. But see, here's the deal. You're in a costume. They can't prove it's you. That's part of the beauty of the plan. I mean, I probably do a lot of planning like...

I'd park my car around the block. So if they saw me walking, it'd be the opposite direction of my house. I mean, there'd be a lot of thought. Here's the thing. All this sounds great. And I love the way you're pitching this out to the listener. I love that you're acting like you're a competent person that could pull this thing off. Here's the deal. You would fuck this thing up.

From top to bottom. You know it and I know it. But I don't know. You'd have to take me in as an accomplice. Oh, we'd have to do it together for sure. I mean, there would be planning, scrupulous planning. Oh, I think we would have flow charts, binders. Yes. Workshop costumes. Yeah.

How would you find out which window is the kid's window? I would make it my business to walk around that house. I mean, we walk in that dog. I mean, I would be doing a full stakeout. Full stakeout. Here's the deal, listener. Pumps and I, we've been involved in more stakeouts than you could ever fucking imagine. We have been in...

We have gone incognito. Right. We've borrowed babysitters' cars. We've done stakeouts. We've cracked the case on many things with barely any technology. Oh, my God. Now. Now? If I get on Zillow, I'd look at the house plan. Exactly. Immediately find the kid's bedroom. Yeah. Be a snap. Be a snap. Or maybe I'd let a snake loose. Here's the only thing. I mean, I would fuck that kid up. Yeah.

Do you see that? At first you were mimicking me. You were ridiculing me because I was saying nobody, if somebody fucked with my, I was like, oh yeah, we all know that. And then I planted the seed that somebody did it to your little piglet. And then look at this. Crazy. Yeah. You've got this kid basically in a padded cell and a straight jacket before he starts third grade. But here's the deal. I want the mother in there too.

Yeah. I mean, fuck her for making him. Fuck her for not being a better parent. And the dad. No, both of them. But I'd almost get more satisfaction out of fucking with the parents than the kid because I feel like the parents are the ones at fault.

Yeah. Yeah. But I've fucked them up. I don't doubt it. Here's the only thing. I start playing this all through. I'm in. I want to do the surveillance. I want to fuck the kid up. I want to release snakes. I'd even talk in tongues just for fun and to act crazy. Because why did the evangelicals, why did they get to be crazy and talk in tongues? I want to do it too. Right. So then only thing, the only thing here that's missing, and you and I haven't done this in many, many years, the only thing that would make that satisfying is a big cig at the end of it.

The minute you said that, my mouth started watering. It's almost criminal to pull off something like that and not be able to smoke. Celebratory sick. Golly. I mean, literally, body tingles when you say that. Pavlov's dog. Yes. Those were the days. Packing that pack of Marlboro Lights. You have a big stakeout.

I was the best. I don't think we could have been nearly as good investigators if we were non-smokers. I don't think there's any question. I think it just heightened the awareness. Now smoking kind of grosses me out, but I think if we fucked that kid up, I'd probably have to smoke a cig and the parents. I think I'd have to smoke a celebratory cig. They just go together like peanut butter and jellies. Yeah. Kylie, have you ever smoked a cig? Yeah. Never sober. Never sober.

Do people smoke cigs still? Yeah, they do. It seems like it's making a comeback with kind of like the cool hip. Yeah, that's what Angie and I were. We were the cool hip younger generation. But here's the deal. I just got a text from our friend that's in Europe. And she's like, you know, the Europeans, they just kill tobacco. They just make it look so cool. And I'm like, I bet you a European would not be caught dead with a babe.

No, they are. Do they? Yeah. So I just got back from Paris. There were people vaping. Lots of vapors. There's just a lot more smoking in Paris than there is. They do it so well. But there were people vaping. But I hadn't craved a cigarette in forever. I mean, forever. And they actually kind of grossed me out. Now I've crossed over to that kind of non-smoker. Right. But there were these women and they were sitting at this cafe and

Outside, the weather was glorious. They were speaking French. People were doing French shit. It was just fucking orgasm city. Coffee, wine, the whole fucking thing.

So I look over and they both pulled out of Marlboro Lights and they lit it up. They were dressed great. They were fucking, they looked like total fucking bitches. I loved them instantly. And they were just pulling on those skirts and then exhaling and they didn't look trashy. They looked so chic. And I thought, God, I kind of want to sit down with them and have a cig. It was the first time in years that I thought, God, I'd like to smoke a cig. Europeans just, they look great doing it. They just look better. They're so natural with it. I mean, yeah, I envy them.

Yeah.

Just fucking crazy ass posture, great jawline, and just, I mean, a total fucking bitch. I couldn't understand a word she said, but she was such a bitch to the helper. She was such a bitch to everybody in the store.

fucking loved her i fucking was like oh my god i worship this woman i was josh was like trying on something i was sitting there jacking with my phone or something admiring i looked up and i watched her walk in and just i was she was so hateful and evil i fucking loved her she's great i think that's how people feel about you guys i tend to all right listen

Listen up, listener. We're going to continue this on to Patreon because I want to fuck with the Patreon gays for about 10 to 15 minutes. Victory lap. I want to get them all riled up. You wouldn't believe how easy it is to rile them up. And they'll say, you wouldn't believe how easy it is to rile Jennifer up. And they would be right. And we would just go back and forth, back and forth. So we're going to continue our post show over on Patreon. If you haven't joined yet, please join us.

And pumps, tell them. We will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. Pumps, doing the podcast or other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships. Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it. Pumps doing the podcast, our other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships.

Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it.