Homeschool Energy with Jared Freid
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So are we supposed to start the podcast? One, two, three. I just knew before I did that it was going to be good. I could just feel it. Listener, today is a great day. Yep. Started out with a great clap. Pumps is firing on all cylinders. I mean, she is ready to go. Pumps, what have you had it with?

I have had it with service people giving you a time slot of like five hours when they're going to come fix your appliance or internet and

or whatever. It's like, I don't have a client that I say, okay, well, I'll meet you at the office between one and five. The window. The service window. The window. And you know, it wouldn't be that hard because they all end up texting you, the servicemen, like I'm 20 minutes away, which I appreciate. They used to not do that. That's new. That is new. But I appreciate it because then you have their number.

And you can like get down to the bottom of it. So I understand if they're running late, they want to give you a window. So you're not like, oh my God, it's three o'clock. They were supposed to be here at three o'clock. It's 315. All they would have to do is shoot you a text.

that says, hey, I'm running late. It's going to be closer to 3.30. But I think what you're getting at is these companies with whom we pay a lot of money to. Yes. And like I live in one of these homes the kids call a smart home. Right. Everything is done on my phone. Light switches, television remotes, everything is on the phone.

So if our Wi-Fi goes down. Oh, my God. It's the worst. It is stage five meltdown from Josh. Yes. To me, to the kids because they stream video games. We are like Black Hawk down like nobody's business. I bet Josh is worse than the kids. A million times worse. But then you finally, you know, you call the 800 number. You talk to a circle jerk of robots. Right. And then finally you get somebody. They try to troubleshoot it. They can't troubleshoot it.

And then they give you, oh, we're going to give you a window that we can come to your house of 8 a.m. to 1 p.m. Right. That's not that's my whole second day. They put you under house arrest because you need this service. And what if what if I said to my kids, I'm going to feed you guys sometime between 8 a.m.

And 1 p.m. Right. That's what time we're going to roll out food. No, I mean, it's ridiculous. Oh, I've had it. I've had it. Had it. They need to get it more streamlined. You know who else kind of does this? But it's just implied. Doctors offices. Oh, right. Like you're supposed to just sit there for half an hour and not even think a thing about it. Rarely do you go to a physician and you have an 8 a.m. appointment and

rarely are you back there, receive whatever medical assessment you need and out the door on time. It is always a disaster. Right. I do feel like I always try to get the appointment first thing in the morning. And our doctor does a 7.30 in the morning appointment. And I always like that 7.30 in the morning. It's the same with flights. The first flights are always on time. Yes, the first flights.

Well, let me, before I tell you what I've had it with, I need to tell the listener that I'm going to take you on a journey. Oh, gosh. On a journey of what it's like to go to my best friend Pumps' house. So when I go up there, which is rarely because I usually make her come to me. Right. Five miles. It's not that far. Because it's in my bubble. But anyway, I'll have to go up there and she'll say, oh, just come in through the garage. Right. So.

I walk in and let's say it's 7 p.m. Okay. And I walk in the house and the first thing that strikes me is how dark it is. Oh, I'm a vampire. It's so dark that you cannot see anything. So then you assume, my assumption is, oh, she must have ran an errand. Right. She probably went to the store. But then I look in the garage and there's your car. Right.

So I'm waiting for my eyes to adjust and I start walking through your laundry room and then get to the kitchen. And then I see one of your children walk by like everything's fucking normal. And you cannot see a goddamn thing. It is pitch black like you're living in a third world country with zero power, zero light pollution, zero starlight. I mean, it's like an overcast night.

And the child was like, oh, hey, Jenny. Like they can see me perfectly. Right. And then it gets worse because then you make your way back to Pumps' bedroom. And just when you think it can't get darker. Right. You open up her bedroom door and it is incredibly dark. Like you blindingly dark. You cannot see a thing. But then in the bed, you see this woman fluffed up.

Like nobody's business. And I love a good fluff. So I'm not knocking the fluff. And then her face is subtly illuminated with an iPad and there's 95 beverages next to her. And then you see a poof of vape smoke.

and everybody in the house is acting like this is totally normal. They're like, Oh, hey, Jenny, come on in. I can't see a fucking thing. The dog's walking around. Everybody's adjusted to living in this darkness. And then pumps will say to me, God, my kids just you know, they always say they have anxiety. I just think they could be the biggest pussies on the planet. I'm like, they have anxiety because they can't fucking see. They've been raised in total darkness. No, I don't

I don't think so at all. I don't think that's, I mean, the anxiety part, I don't think it's attributable to the Dracula. I do. It is unbelievable. It's like you live in like the post-World War II where everybody conserved everything all the time, like turn off the light. There is not one light switch on anywhere. No, I know. I like it dark. And it's funny that you say that because I've had three neighbors in my life, like my adult life.

And every single one of them have been like, oh my God, your house is so dark. And I just love it. I just think I've had it. With the darkness? I've had it with the darkness. I think that just a little bit of ambient light, a nice lamp, soft in the corner would be good for you, good for your children, and good for guests. Just to have a little bit of an ambient light. I'll agree with the guests.

But no. Fuck the kids. They're living in darkness. No, they're used to it by now. They like it dark too. Well, I would like to welcome everybody to I've Had It podcast. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. And she is the Princess Diana of podcasting. I mean, people are going to hear that and get offended because everybody loves Princess Diana. Everybody loves you. You're the star of our show. It's not a big jump. It's not a big jump.

I know you're right. You're such a humanitarian. Right, running around in my tiara. I've Had It is sponsored by BetterHelp. Jenny, as you know, I have been struggling my whole life with raging codependency, but it wasn't until therapy that I was able to identify this about myself. I've had the same struggles, Pumps. Being in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic, I felt helpless and alone at so many points in my life.

I personally have benefited so much from therapy. I had to really dig deep about myself in order to grow. Yes, growing emotionally is such an important part of adulthood. If you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try.

Discover your potential with BetterHelp. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Again, discover your potential with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it.

I want to introduce our guest today. His name is Jared Freed. He is a comedian and he is the host of You Up. He's going on tour in Europe soon. So jealous. And I did a deep dive of his Instagram and he totally hate watches The Bachelor.

And The Bachelorette. And I cannot stand The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, but I live for the hate watching narrative that this guy pops out on Instagram. It is some high quality hate. I can't get enough of it. Let's get Jared on here.

Jared, how are you? I'm good. How are you? Excellent. Excellent. I'm Jennifer and this is Pump. She's the star of our show. Shut up. She's obnoxious. Totally obnoxious. I am. I can already tell the dynamic going on here and I love it. Well, Jared, what we like to do here, there's a lot of podcasts out there that are about how to become a better person.

and how to find serenity. - I don't listen to those. - Well, you're in the right place 'cause what we do is some world-class shit talking here and I just wanna jump right to it. Tell us what you've had it with. - Okay, so I'm wearing a hat. It's a lion's hat. I don't care about the team, but it brings you into the worst conversation. You can't wear a hat.

Unless it represents you and where you're from and who you're a diehard of and where, you know, and if you're wearing a hat, someone will look at you and there are people with the, and it's the lowest form of personality.

is they see the hat and they go, ew, ew, I like another team because I was born in a vagina in another state that I had no control over. And it's like, get out of here. You're bad at conversation. You're bad at talking to people. We can have a thorough in-depth talk. And why the Lions hat? I'm from Michigan. I don't care where you're from. I wore a hat.

Because it looked good on me. If the hat could literally say, go China. And I would, and if it looked good on me, I'm with it. I'm wearing the go China hat. I relate to that level of vanity. I do too. Far more than I do relating to like a team. Like now there are some tennis players that I really like.

insanely love. But if I like a team and the color doesn't look good with my skin, I'm not wearing their merch. I'm out. It's over. I'll silently give a fist pump when they score. And that's about it. Like I don't need, you know, it's just like, it's this weird, we have to connect. I don't need to connect with everyone. I walk down the street and see, I just need to connect with the mirror that I look good at. I think I look good at.

Also, I just went to the doctor. Someone, I'm in the doctor, I'm in the waiting room. And all of a sudden, I smell soup. I smell soup. And I'm going, and I'm sniffing around and I look to my left. It's 9.30 in the morning. 9.30 in the morning, I'm in a doctor's waiting room. I'm sniffing around. I'm like, who is cooking a chicken stock? And I look over.

And there's a guy eating out of a plastic bag, chicken and rice from a halal cart. Okay. We're in the doctor's office. There are two allowable smells at a doctor's office, mint or Clorox. Anything else...

I don't want to smell your lunch, your dinner. The waiting room at the doctor's office is not where I want to smell you having a 9 a.m. chicken and rice dish. I couldn't agree more. I mean, defensive.

It's completely offensive and it's over the top. And I think that this is something that needs attention and a light shine onto it. When you go, like I'm an interior designer, I have an interior designer studio, super chic, great furniture. You don't want to walk in here and smell salmon. Right? No, that's the thing. It is mind, body, and soul to speak to the assholes who have podcasts that we hate that talk about positivity. Yeah.

I'm just saying when I walk into somewhere, the smell has to match the atmosphere. Right. It's got to match the brand. And what we really need are social referees. I totally agree. People, right, walking around in the striped referee suits. They're not police officers. They're social referees. So they can't give you a ticket, but they're going to give you, like in soccer, there's yellow card, red card, yellow card. Right, right.

Is a minor offense. You've been warned. Right. Red card. You don't get to vote anymore. Or breed. Right. I think some of these people, you're not allowed to breed anymore. This violation. Two red cards. Right. It's so socially egregious that you should be removed from the gene pool. Like you should not be able to breed anymore because we don't need more of you.

Right. Having a turkey dinner in the waiting room of a doctor's office, that's more than a warning. That's what we're going to we're going to take you out of the voting thing. You know, if you like I was in a I was in an Uber and the and the and the driver, they were drinking a bottle of water. Like I'm not the biggest conservationist. I'm not the biggest.

like recycler. I'm not a, I'm not a, we are the world guy. Happy earth month to you both. I will say this. I will do what socially, you know, I will fall in line with the,

you know, being a human being. This person chugged the plastic water bottle, opened the window, threw it out the window. No. And listen, I don't care enough about the earth to like be like, stop the car right now. Like I gotta get where I'm going. I am offended enough where I literally put my seatbelt on. I was like, if this person's capable of throwing a bottle out the window...

I don't know what's coming next, but I'm going to wear my seatbelt. Because then I think of like my mom, like I always have this like Jewish mom voice in my head. Like, like you just like go like commenting on what I did. So like,

I just imagine like the person getting an accident, me, you know, having horrific injury. And then my mom going, you just don't wear your seatbelt in a car where someone throws the bottle out the window. You're just going to sit there like a yucks. You're going to sit there. You're not going to, you don't even wear a seatbelt. You see someone put throw trash out the window. You don't think that's going to get worse. What are you doing? And I put on the seatbelt. That's right. Some people have a conscience. I have Kim Freed, my mom yelling at me.

I listened to you on a podcast, your J train podcast. And I think you said your mother was the Navy seal of body shaming. Is that right? I say a lot of things. I like that line. No, I think you said it. You were like, sure. The Navy seal of body shaming. I thought she'll slip it in there. I mean, listen,

Yeah, she'll be, you know, it's like one of those things. It's like, you know how like a Navy SEAL knows how to kill you with their right thumb? My mom can make you think about how much you weigh just with like a little tiny, you know, comment. Like, I don't know. I think it's like, you know, body issues are familial. They are passed down from generation to generation. Totally.

You know, growing up, I remember going and trying on clothing and I was, you know, young kid dealing with weight issues and I, and she would go try on these pants. And I remember she would like the pants and then I would try them on and I'd be like, you know, I'd get like a calf into them and it'd be like over.

And I'd be like, no, this pants aren't working. I come out, I'll be like, they don't fit. And she'd go, why? And I'm like, I don't know. They don't fit. I don't know why an explanation is needed. She goes, well, try them on. I like them. I go, they don't fit. And it's like, why? And I go, I don't know. Have you heard of calories? Have you heard about eating pizza? That's why. What do I need to tell you? I'm a fat fuck. I'm 10 years old. I'm growing. I'm growing.

What do you need? What other explanation? They don't fit. Let's move on. We'll move on to the next pants you like. This doesn't have to be me turning down grandma's jewels. This isn't what I'm turning down. I'm turning down a pair of pants that don't fit me. I'm a 34, okay? We're not a 30 anymore.

So I take my, I have two sons, 20 and 16, and I take them shopping and I have an idea of how I want them to dress and they have their idea of how they want to dress. And so we're like in Paris or London or New York. And I'm like, Oh, let's go, you know, to some bougie ass, you know, place like Gucci or somewhere. And he's like,

no, I just want to go to this vintage store. So we're in Paris and we go over to this vintage store. We live in Oklahoma City. And there's like a famous pizza place called Hideaway Pizza in Oklahoma. And Josh and I refuse to go into the vintage store. And my son comes out. He's like, oh, my God, they had a Hideaway Pizza T-shirt. And I'm like, that's fucking awesome. We came all the way to Paris to get a shirt that we could get in Oklahoma City. That's great, boys. But it is...

I feel your mother's pain to an extent, but I also see now how much I torture my sons through you when I take them shopping because I have this vision of just how chic they can look and they just roll their eyes and they're so irritated with me.

I understand it. They are a reflection of you. You know, you're sending out your tenders, you know, the little boats from the mama ship and they are a reflection of you. I understand. And your son's like, no, I want to spend 80 euro on a shirt that I could have gotten from, you know, Oklahoma City, but it was worn by a guy named Pierre. Yeah.

Tell us what you thought about Oklahoma City. And listen, we're thick-skinned, so tell us honestly. Okay. The people of Oklahoma City had homeschooled energy. Oh, my gosh. No. They were very nice, but there was like, what is wrong with you people? I...

I think I just like, I come on strong as I did on this show. Like I'm loud. I'm very Northeast. I didn't even realize how Northeast I was until I traveled the country. And you know, I, I, I, there is a little bit of like, you know, just like looking at me, like, what is this animal? Yeah.

I would say, though, Oklahoma City, of all the places I've been to, it's like, it is the... Like, I'm going to Europe this Sunday, and Oklahoma City was, like, the most foreign American place to me. Like, it wasn't...

Like I went to that like line dancing, they were line dancing. You know, the DJ just looked like a cowboy guy. And like, you know, like I was like, this is it was actually like sweet. You know, you're like it was nice. Like the people that would make fun of.

someone for dancing, we're the ones dancing. Right, right, right. You know, it was the guy that I would expect to be like, I don't go on no dance floor, was like, you know, twirling their gal. Right. You know, I was like, I don't know if there already is, but like, this is National Geographic as much as going and seeing...

You know, the natives of another country do what they do. You know, like I was watching in a way where I was like, oh, this is so honest. Listen to this. When I was younger in my 20s, I always went to the gay bars with my gay friends.

And there is like the, you know, quintessential gay bar that's like a discotheque. And then like a few doors down, there is a gay boot scooting bar where it's full blown gay cowboys. They're two stepping, they're twirling each other. And the name of the bar was called Saddle Tramps. Yeah.

And it was one of my favorite places to go because they had the full blown, the tight jeans, the Wranglers with the crease down the center, the big belt buckle, the hats. But as gay as all get out twirling around boot scooting at saddle tramps. And I would get so hammered there. Just people watching. I absolutely loved it.

Right. It's like, you know, your culture is kind of unescapable, you know, no matter what you are in that culture, like what your affiliations are, what you're, you know, and it's kind of the problem with like the world today is like you see, you know, men dancing at a cowboy two step and you go, they are all this great.

Right. Side of the aisle, this type of person. Right. Where it's like, no, but there's, you turn to that person who's like, well, they're all, you know, this political affiliation, this opinion, and you go, this is a gay bar, sir. And you're like, what?

So before Tiger King was like before COVID, before he was the Tiger King reality show, my husband's a photographer and GQ hired him to go out to what's his name? Joe exotic to go out to his ranch in Oklahoma to photograph him because he was kind of this eccentric character that lived with these lions and tigers. So he comes back and I'm like, what was it like? He goes,

Man, that shit was fucking weird. So you got this overtly gay guy and he's totally like holstered up. He's got like three or four guns on him. He's got a couple of boyfriends running around and he's a fucking Trumper. It was the biggest trip I've ever seen in my life. Before you could even describe someone as a Joe Exotic type.

that's what it, you know, like right now, because of the popularity of the, you know, the Netflix show, you go, that guy's just like a Joe Exotic. You go, okay, now I have that in my brain as a form of a reference. Then before like the timing you're talking about, it's like, wait, what? Like there's no reference to that. He was like, that was some weird shit. Okay. So I want to talk about, you're going to Europe and,

Yes.

Number one, they think that we have barbaric eating habits. The free refills are disgusting. We're binge drinkers. The portion sizes, the all you can eat buffets absolutely gives them the ick, disgust the shit out of them. I agree with them. I do too. You know, like, it's not like, you know, these things, you know, I, and listen, I am a active

active participant in these things. Right. Like my family's motto is more, more, more and extra. Right. You want more, more, more and extra. I don't care what it is.

I just want to get all of it. And then I'll decide what I don't want. It is a capitalistic approach to life. Totally. It is us saying, let me grab everything and then I'll parse out what I don't want. I'll give away my leftovers. I'll take the doggy bag just in case. And listen, I aspire to the lifestyle they have. Like I want to be able to go out happy.

have a glass of wine, eat a little half a piece of bread, but that's never going to happen.

I'm going to drink the whole bottle. I'm a winner. I'm an American. I don't leave things to be eaten by others. I want, I get. Exactly. And then like, I've been to Europe a couple times. I did show, and again, like just like I never realized I was like a Northeastern American until I traveled more.

you don't realize how American you are as American. Like even, you know, we all think, you know, I'm not like those Americans. Yeah, I don't, you know, Golden Corral ain't for me. You know, whatever.

And then you go there and you hear yourself through there, you know, you put yourself in front of this different mirror. And I remember I was there, I was opening for my friend. She, Michelle Wolf, who's like one of the best comedians alive. She's fantastic. And I remember I got on set, the first stop was London and sold out shows. And in Europe, the standups don't have openers normally. So it's like this very like,

It's a very proper way to do a show where you come out, they go, this is my show. And it's a little bit slower. I think American standup is more, you know, every 10 seconds, there's more story, a little bit more storytelling, a little bit more drawn out, you know, more again, you know, ours is buffet and theirs is, you know, a course meal as far as, you know,

performance is concerned. So I go on stage and they're like, what's going on? And then I'm like, and I'm like, so, and also Michelle's audience is a little bit more politically inclined. They're a little bit more, you know, you know, Oxford than, you know, me. I'm a little more chimney sweep. I go on stage and I'm like, do you guys have mosquitoes here? And they're like,

They're like the whole crowd at once was like, yeah, you fucking idiot. Like mosquitoes. And suddenly you're giving off homeschool vibe. Right. You're the homeschooler. You're the homeschooler. Yeah. Care of is a sponsor of today's episode. You know, pumps at our age, we have got to take better care of ourselves. My care of subscription has made this quest so much easier for me.

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Okay, the next one is it blows their mind that we have commercials for prescription medications. And these commercials are disturbing enough. We did a whole episode about it. Like if you, you know, the side effects, it's going to make you shit. It's going to make you vomit. It's going to make you want to kill yourself. But that just blows their mind that the capitalism is so big and so immense that you would be

find out about a medication from the television and then go to your doctor who went to fucking medical school for like 20 years and say, Hey, I heard about this drug called Oxycontin. They say it's not addictive at all. Can you hook me up with some of that?

You know, it's funny. It's like those commercials have been around since I've been alive. So I can't. So to me, when someone when I do think about it, I go, yeah, that is weird that they would have a commercial. It is weird. Right. Right. I mean, you know, Ozempic is in the news. I knew Ozempic before I even knew what Ozempic was. I was like, I've heard that name.

And then they go, yeah, it's a diabetes medication that people are using to lose weight. And you go, I didn't even know it was for diabetes. I just thought it was weight loss. I just thought it was a commercial I'd see. I didn't know it was anything. But it's weird. It's like, I can't remember my friend's wife's name. And I can remember, I'm like, yeah, I was Zempik. I know that name. Yeah.

Maybe we should start, maybe people need to start naming, you know, their kids Ozempic so I can remember. Okay, this is my favorite. So the Europeans have a hard time reconciling how Americans are like, there is violence everywhere in our culture, in our television shows, in our movies, in our gun culture.

But then if they see a titty or an ass or a penis, I mean, the wheels come off. Right. And it is like cover little Billy's eyes. That is a tit and he cannot see it. We are so overtly offended by nudity, but yet violence and like slitting people's throats and blowing people's brains out. No big deal. Right. I, man, I wish it was different. I do too. I wish there was titties everywhere. Yeah.

My one, I'm going to run for office and I'm going to, my whole campaign is going to be titties as far as the eye can see. You will see titties on billboards. You'll see titties in children's books. You're going to see titties on Euro's epic commercials. I'm going to make sure.

and i think you could then you could then say as your platform you don't like my platform tough titties that's right tough titties tough titties you can shove it in your

shove your gun when the sun doesn't shine okay something we've totally had it with which we obviously are or what we call yak mouths which are people that just fucking talk non-stop tmi like prime example would be you have somebody come to service something in your home and they tell tell you the minutiae of a dishwasher and water in and water out you don't give a shit

So Europeans think that all Americans engage in way too much TMI. And where we live in Oklahoma, I know for sure people, it's way too much TMI. People are like, where are you from? What part of town do you live in? What church do you go to? And it just goes on and on. I find all of these things like very invasive, but I'm used to it. And so I can kind of coldly but politely guide it in other directions. But for Europeans, they're like, shh.

Shut the fuck up. You guys talk too much. You overshare. Right. I'm with the again. These are all things that like they're not wrong about. Like I were like I was in Oklahoma City. I walked in the elevator.

And this person, it was two women. I think it was like a Kenny Chesney concert. There was some concert going on. So they're like in cowboy boots. They're in the whole deal. And I'm like, good for them. Like I, but I just come from the gym. So I have headphones in, I go in the elevator. I like nod at them in a polite way. And they're like, you look so serious. And I'm like, what?

I don't know. I go, I go, maybe it's my eyebrows. I was like, I don't know what else to fucking tell you. And it's like, what did they want from me? I don't know what they needed from me. Like, do they want me to walk in the elevator? Like, Hey, everybody walked in to an elevator smiling. I would think they're about to blow up the elevator. It would be total serial killer vibe. Right. I think the biggest gift you can give somebody in an elevator is to walk on

a slight eye contact nod and then shut the fuck up. That is not a place where we're going to get to know each other. Okay. Here's something I think is really interesting. And I have noticed this difference. So when you go to Europe next week, I want you to take a gander at this, use the restroom, not just the urinal, but the actual restroom at the airport, your last American port. And you're going to notice that there is a couple of inches that you can kind of get a little glimmer through the door.

In Europe, that shit is sealed off. It is completely sealed off. There's no peekaboo. And so here we are. We are the Puritans that are so breathtakingly offended by nudity. Yet there's this creepy peekaboo design in our public restrooms where you can get a little eye if somebody's sitting there taking a huge greaser, which nobody wants to see except for the architects that designed this for some bizarre reason.

But in Europe, you can't even slip a piece of paper through that thing. I mean, it is fucking Ziploc sealed up. And the Europeans have noticed this. This is where I'm on Team America. I have to say, maybe back in the day, this made some sense to give you a whole hut to like seclude yourself in. But now with people sitting on the toilet and using their cell phone, we need a little...

all in the crease to get you moving. We need people to be reminded that time is of essence. We need, because I understand you're playing candy crush. You're on, you know, you're on Twitter. You're tweeting out your, you know, these genius lines you have. You're on Instagram. Three hours go by. I've already shit my pants. I don't think, I think we're okay.

having a little peekaboo still to keep it going. Keep the shit going. Yeah. I need you to be on your toes a little bit. I want you to see my eyeball looking through.

Because the alternative is I need new panties. Okay, here's another thing that kind of freaks Europeans out. And this is going to, for a lot of our listeners that have probably never been out of the country, we do have a lot of international listeners. But you have to think about this from a different perspective. I mean, we're all raised with...

The United States is the center of the fucking universe. It is the best country in the world. Fuck everybody. I mean, that's kind of the gist that we have, that we're raised in. So a European comes over here and I've started noticing it more and more. For me, it was just always normal. But if you drive up to a car dealership

There are literally like 20 American flags. I mean, you would think you were going to a fucking military post. I've never even thought of that. You're right. It is. I mean, it is not just America. It's like we are goddamn motherfucking America. Come by your Ford F-150. You fucking patriots. Let's fucking go. This is this is a very much an Oklahoma City thing, too. Yeah.

There are flags that are literally the size of football fields above your, it is not, they're big. They're not just like a flag. They're huge. And this is more suburban than city, but you know, you see American flags around the city, but suburbs and Oklahoma city. I actually remember because I was in Toronto and Vancouver before I was in Oklahoma city and they'll have like a little itty bitty Canadian flag on top of a building and

And you go to Oklahoma City, it's like, these colors do not fucking bleed. And you...

You see it and you're like, it's so big that you're like, I don't even know, like how many, you know, how many people did it take in a third world country to build this flag? Jared, now we're going to play a game with you that we have. It's called Had It or Hit It. Tell us if you've had it with something or if you'd hit it. Oh my God. Welcome to Had It or Hit It. I would hit it. Had it. Had it.

I hit it every day, sometimes twice a day. Had it or hit it? Vajazzling. Hit it. I haven't had it because I haven't had it. Like, I haven't seen it. I know it exists. I know it's like putting diamond studs around your vagina. Right? Yeah. I have some around the perimeter of my balls right now. Very uncomfortable. Okay.

Let me ask you this. Sitting is a nightmare. You start getting naked with a woman. So, vajazzling pumps are women put like they decorate their vagines. They like with the bedazzler, but it's a vagabond. Like bedazzling them, but you bedazzle your vagina. Do they glue it on there? I don't know the ins and outs of vaginal decor. I think it's like...

You ever see Euphoria, you know, that style of makeup? Right. The Euphoria look where it's very intense and there's glitter and sparkles around your eye? That, but a vagina, I would think. Here's my only concern with it is...

If this thing is obviously you'd use some sort of skin glue or something. Right. Okay. So you start getting frisky, right? And there's a lot of friction. What if one of these jewels gets lodged up in the vagine? Right. Or like you break out. You know, I think it could be a minefield. But if you're making out with a woman, you take off her panties and you see a bedazzled vagine. Hit it. Right. See, what you just brought up is what I would call a you problem. Right.

I'm hitting it because I just like, you know, I think most men, most men like the idea that women are thinking of sex, you know, that are thinking of it. So like the idea that a woman who like, you know, freak in the sheets, classy in the streets type of deal. Right. The fact that you like, like this woman and she's beautiful and smart and you're like, let's go home. And then all of a sudden,

You get her pants off and her panties off and there's a disco ball down there. What the fuck is going on? You're almost like... It's flattering. I didn't see it coming. You know, I'm pumped. Right. What's next? You know, I'm going to get that finger in the butt that I want. You know, if she's willing to fucking turn...

turn her vagina into a nightclub. This is an open communicative woman who's modern and classy and looking to like, and creative, inventive and creative, right? The creativity. Okay. Had it or hit it couples that have to do everything together. Had it. If you, if anytime a couple has a joint Facebook account or Instagram account,

I'm like, oh, they are either swingers or they're cheating. We just did an episode on this. We just did an episode. That's exactly what we said. That was what we came up with. Yeah, they're swingers or they're cheaters. And I just think it would be so much more helpful for the follower. If you follow these people, if you're friends with them to put, you know, like...

Jared and pumps, Jared fucked around on pumps in 2015. So now, you know, and then we know, let's just tell us why. Let's cut to the chase, save everybody's time or Jared and pumps.

Jared likes to watch Bert and other big guys fuck pumps. And then we'll just know. And then for the people that are looking for swinging too, they'd be like, what's their kink within the swinging? Like, let's just cut to the chase. Right. Cause what is pumps a nickname? That's her. Yeah. Yeah.

So I'm watching Poms fuck. Right. I just because y'all are the two here. So I'm like, OK, let's say that y'all are a couple. It would just be so much more helpful because we know they're fucked up. And this is my internal biases. I like believe it for the woman for some reason. The man I'm always like.

what's going on? And I, the other day, cause I, I, I said on the UOP podcast, there's only three reasons for a straight man to be on social media and it's to fuck. It's to be funny.

or it's to make money. Okay? - Okay. - If your guy's posting and none of those three things are happening, you have to wonder which of those three things is happening. - Right, right. - So if they're not making money from it, then they're trying to, and if they're not making a joke,

then they're out there trying to be available to other people who might think that they look good in their picture. That is my opinion. I mean, if we look at this honestly, women follow women for style tips, for makeup tips, for hair tips. My ex-girlfriend, she used to be like, "I follow her 'cause I just love her style." I have never followed a man because I'm like, "Oh, I love this guy's style. Oh my God."

Anytime he links some skincare products, I am totally in. It just doesn't exist for me. Okay. Had it or hid it. Stanley cups. The big water bottle community is awful. Totally agree with you. I've had it. She, I'm a horrible offender. She wants Stanley cups in every color. It disgusts me. It disgusts me that she's my best friend. She schleps this thing around with her and I feel just miserable.

mortal embarrassment. I just think, why do you have to consume a beverage all the goddamn time? It drives me fucking crazy, Jared. I mean, crazy. You know when like a question is really just judgment? Yes, I do that often. That's how I feel. Yeah, that's how I feel about the Stanley water bottles, the big water bottles, because they're saying to you, I am a water drinker. I am

I am good because everyone knows you should be getting more water. Well, you know, all of us know we don't drink enough water. Oh, look at me.

I'm holding the championship of I get enough water. You pigs. And it's like, what they don't want to tell you is that when they bought the bottle, they were at their lowest point in life. They were looking for a solution for a problem that they should probably get a therapist for. The water bottle to me signifies I had a horrific meltdown.

Every time I see the water bottle, I know that that was someone who was crying on the floor saying, I don't fit into my prom dress anymore. I need to do something. And instead of like doing an actual like regiment, they were like, a water bottle will make that happen.

Okay, Jared, a couple more things I want to do with you. Fuck, marry, kill. Okay. Elizabeth Holmes, and she's that woman that did the, what's it? Theranos. Theranos. The blonde with the black turtlenecks. Just had a couple kids. Yes, her. Elizabeth Holmes. Did she go to jail or not? She was supposed to go today, but they gave her a reprieve until her appeal, which I think is bullshit, by the way. She had a couple of kids. Okay. Elizabeth Holmes.

Melania Trump, Marjorie Taylor Greene. Those are good. Marrying Elizabeth Holmes.

Because we'll never have to worry about money. Like someone like that is always like she'll go to jail and she'll have the most cigarettes in the jail within a month. Right. You know, like she. She's going to scam always. Right. And when you don't worry about money, life is a little bit easier. Right. So and, you know, I also I feel like she'd be an efficient person.

you know you know sexual partner she would be like and you know i i i'm gonna marry elizabeth holmes i'm fucking melania um just because i i don't think it would be a fun sexual activity i think she you know i don't think she's really going for it but i you know i do want to like

see what that's all about. Right. I kill Marjorie Taylor Greene. I just can't, I can't deal with no, with like a lack of awareness. Like I need you to go. I need, even if someone is a, like a WWE wrestling person, I need one wink that like, yeah, I'm fucking wrong. Right. Right.

I need like, like I need that. The fist to come down for two seconds to show your face to go. We're just joshing. Right. Like I need that. So that would be mine. Okay. One more. Elon Musk, Tom Cruise, Chris Harrison. Marrying Chris Harrison. I think I got to, I think he'd be reasonable. I think he'd be a good like partner. I think he, um,

Are you going to be the top or bottom? We would trade off. Absolutely. I think that's where reasonability comes in. I think we would trade back and forth and cook each other dinner and listen to one another and really be a team approach. Who was the other one? Tom Cruise, Elon Musk. I'm fucking Tom Cruise. There's no question. He's like a jackrabbit. The energy. Okay.

Can you imagine the energy he would have in the bedroom? Can you imagine? No, he does all of his own stuff. I mean, you're right. He's on the corner of the bed. And he's kind of crazy. You know, there's kind of like, you know, a crazy fuck that you can get out of it too. You know, he's kind of unhinged. And he's like you said, a jackrabbit. I'm in on that. Right. He'd be all over the room. He's little. Yeah.

Elon, I'm killing Elon. I think he's, yeah, Elon would pay a robot to fuck me. So I'm not, you know, I'm not going to hug C-3PO after I'm done. I want a human connection. Right.

Well, I mean, Jared, you do not disappoint. Absolutely. This was such a pleasure and such a blast. I really appreciate you having me. It was awesome. I have so much fun in Europe. Yeah, good luck on your tour. To our listeners, you can find Jared on Instagram at Jared Freed. And I'm sure you're on TikTok and all the other shit. And then you have You Up podcast. And what's your other podcast?

J Train. The U.S. podcast, the J Train podcast. We got the Bachelor podcast. I never shut the fuck up. So I... Just fucking Google him. Right. Instagram is like the hub of my...

My wheels. Okay. So at Jared Frieden, tech talk, I'm wizard of heart. Jared, thank you so much. You are. Thank you. See you later. Absolutely. Bye. Oh my gosh. He is hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. I love.

That he thinks the Stanley Cup community, it's just an identifier that this person has had a breakdown. So Josh used to say all the time, like before he ever got sober, he would call Sundays the Sunday crunch. And he would have like, you know, low dopamine serotonin after a weekend of just raging. Right. And so Sundays it would be like, I'm going to Barnes and Noble. I'm going to buy books.

Self-help. I'm going to read books. I'm going to be at a bookstore. Right. And then I'm going to go to Whole Foods and I'm going to buy lettuce and I'm going to eat salads and I'm going to do these things. And it would, you know, he'd do it like Monday and then Tuesday and then Wednesday. He'd be like, well, I wonder what's going on. I'm on a happy hour. What I loved is his well-reasoned fuck, marry, kill. I mean, they were very well thought out.

I agreed with all of his choices. The fuck, marry, kill. I mean, he could be like the king of fuck, marry, kill. I kind of want to be the king of fuck, marry, kill. I'm really good at that. His were so good. We're going to have to Kylie. We'll on one of our Thursday episodes pumps. We will placate you and Kylie and I will come up with some fuck, marry, kill. Right. Because you've got some stiff competition with Jared. I think of myself as really, really good, like top of the line in that game. But Jared might be the winner. The enthusiasm about it too. He was,

He wasn't butthurt. He was like, I'm going to fuck Tom Cruise. He's going to be like a jackrabbit. He'll probably be great in the sack. And then talking about what a great partner Chris Harrison would be. That kind of was so cute. They would take turns. They would prepare meals for each other. I mean, he jumped right on the gay train without hesitation. No, he's a cool guy. Well, I would like to thank everybody for joining us.

on I've Had It Today. Such a super fun day. We especially want to thank all of our international listeners. Yes. It's so exciting to see that. We love seeing all of the countries that you come from and hearing your voice memos and your feedback on social media makes us so happy. But please subscribe to Patreon and you will see all sorts of extra content there. Please go give us a review on Apple. I've asked you people a ton.

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Pick up that glass of Pinot Grigio, your drink of choice, and come have some fun with us on Turtle Time. We're going to do more than just drink and party on this podcast, Mom. I know, I know. Okay, if you don't know who I am, well, I'm Ramona Singer, and that's my daughter, Avery. And you probably know us best from The Real Housewives of New York. And now you'll get to know us even better on our podcast, Turtle Time. Let's make more iconic moments together every Wednesday. It's Turtle Time. Follow

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