Don't Make Me a Better Person
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I've had it is sponsored by Peloton. So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. Well, that was pretty lackluster. That was very... That was shy. Piss. Poor. Showing. Face. Plant. City, baby. If that's any indication of how this podcast is going to go, it's just straight downhill from here. Thankfully for you and the listener, I'm here today.

Thankfully, as is Kylie. Pumps, what have you had it with? What I've had it with is Zoom. I look like a 700-year-old woman on Zoom. I mean, we have AI for everything. Why can't we do like on Zoom, like a 20-year reverse Zoom? I think there's a filter on Zoom that you can use. I don't know how to apply it, but I've noticed some of the people- Is there a filter? I've noticed that some of the people that I Zoom have it on and I can totally- And they look so much better? Yeah.

They look filtered. It looks kind of like that housewife affect. I probably kind of look like that anyway. But I mean, if there's a filter on Zoom that you can get where... I mean, I look... The whole time I'm on a Zoom, I'm thinking, God, you look old. You look fucking old as fuck. You know what the problem is with aging is in your mind...

Like, I feel like, oh, my God, I don't really feel any different from when I was 25 or 30. 100%. That's exactly the problem. And then I get on FaceTime or on Zoom or social media because Kylie has us on social media all the time torturing people. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, we are older women. No, that's exactly what it is. Like in your head, you have this idea of how you look.

It's kind of like as an adult, you have imposter syndrome of being a full-blown adult. Right. I'm like, are we really adults? Are we really adults? And it's like, I've accepted the fact that I'm an adult, but what I haven't accepted is the reality of how old I look. Well, for the permanent record, I will tell the viewer this. Despite...

Kylie putting us through the hammer dog shit filter. Obviously. I'm seeing you right now in real time. I think you look attractive. Thank you. I think you look beautiful. I think that you look not old, not young, but for sure older than me.

Okay. I should have seen that coming, but I didn't. It was just laid up right there. It was. But I didn't. I was shocked. Shocked, yeah. Let me tell you what I've had it with. What? I have had it with my devices trying to make me a better person. It's so bad. Why do they care? Let me tell you some examples. Okay. Number one is Netflix. Are you still watching this? Yes.

It's like they shame you for binge watching. I'm like, excuse me? Excuse me? Is this your business? I pay my bill on time? Right.

I am not in therapy session right now. I am tapping the vein episode after episode, and I don't need this smart assery from the Netflix app. You don't need to try to make me a better person. That ship has sailed. Right. We're way past better person. Number two, offender number two in this, TikTok. I rarely get on TikTok, but when I do-

Sometimes I find myself down this rabbit hole and then all of a sudden this video comes up because you're swiping through and it's like, you sure have been on this app a long time. Are you okay? And I'm just like, fuck you. Fuck. Okay. I don't need this. But the creme de la creme of this sanctimonious bullshit from big tech is Apple.

With the weekly screen report. I don't want to know.

I don't need it sent to me via a notification. You can hide it somewhere in my phone to where if I cared, I could go find it. But this is not something that I'm interested in receiving a report on. I want to opt out of all of this big tech trying to act like they give a shit about my mental health. We all know that you have created this algorithm and it hits our brain much like crack cocaine does.

I know that. I willingly do it. I don't need for you to try to make me be a better person so you can feel better about this huge grift and

and the decline of civilization that you're perpetrating on the globe right now. I don't need it. It's theater. It's mental health theater. Put a fucking sock in it. We're all fucking slaves to this shit and I just own it. I'd rather own it than the patronizing sanctimonious. Are you still watching this? Yeah, bitch, I am watching it. I

Just because of that, I'm going to go ahead and watch the second season too. Do you catch yourself like when I just got that alert this weekend? Are you still watching? Did you do you kind of catch yourself thinking like...

I've been sitting here watching this too long. Do you kind of feel a little bit of shame immediately like the first couple seconds and then you're like, fuck you. The first time a few years ago when this happened, I was like, oh shit. I've been watching it a long time. Now I've just accepted because I don't sit around and watch TV all the time. But when I do watch TV, I don't like this slow drip civilized. No, you got to wait. You get one episode a week.

I like just full blown line up 10 lines of cocaine right in a row. Right. I'm rolling up my hundred dollar bill and I'm just a fucking Hoover vacuum cleaners. That's what I want. So when I've accepted in my mind, that's what I'm doing. And then I get that result. I'm like, go fuck yourself, Netflix.

Don't shame me, Netflix. Yeah. You're the one that made all this shit. You're the one that got me on this. You recommended this video. I'm not the asshole here. You're the asshole. You created this junkie. You know, it'd be like your drug dealer like trying to care about you. Right. It'd be like big pharma trying to care about you. It's bullshit. It's total bullshit. I've had it. No, I totally agree. What I hate is on the days...

that I meet my calorie list and my workout minimum. I'm so excited when they send me a notification on my watch. Like, you did it. You met your goal. But on the days I don't make it, I'm like, shut the fuck up. Mind your own damn business. Yeah. So it's like, it's just a little bit of shaming involved in the Apple notification. Here's the hypocrisy in my situation with this. My watch, my beloved watch, when it tells me to get up, when it tells me to exercise, I'm like, you know, my watch really cares about me. Right?

My watch wants me to be healthier. My watch wants me to be a better person. And I love my watch. And all the assholes that are like, I've had it with people wearing their Apple watches with their dress clothes. I'm like, oh, fuck off. My watch makes me a better person. All you do is criticize me. But then when the same company sends me my horrific capital F minus report of my screen time,

I mean, I don't want any part of viewing that. Right. I don't want any part of that. I don't want to see what a depraved, horrible human being I am. Yeah. Okay. That's just a part of my brain that I want to stay in denial. But when it's activity and it's reporting, you know, to remind me to get up, remind me to do stuff, I'm all about that. Yeah. No. But see, that's the difference. I feel like my watch cares about me. I feel like my phone doesn't. The

The phone's just trying to detract from your happiness. Your watch is trying to build you up. I'm pro-watch, anti-phone. I think that's a pretty good mix. Vote for me. Vote for you. Anti-phone. I'm pro-watch most days unless I don't meet my quotas and then I'm

Really sad about it. I'll just tell you. I'm just going to say it one more time. It really chaps my hide. Are you still watching this? Because that's how I picture them saying it. Right. I don't think it's like, hey, are you still watching this? We don't want you to lose your spot. We're just trying to be helpful. I figure it's like...

Are you still watching this? Do you have a life? Here's the deal. Go fuck yourself. You made me like this. This is your fault. Yeah. I grew up in the 80s. Our televisions, they tried to make them look like a piece of furniture. They had this horrific brown wood around them. Yeah, I remember that. We had to get up physically and go turn the channel. This whole thing of me being able to be fluffed up in my bed and just tap the vein after vein after vein...

Y'all made this. Don't try to unmake it. Right. Don't shame me for what you created. Yeah. I agree. Completely agree. Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She's Pumps. She's Meemaw. She's Diana. She's the star of the show. I'm Jennifer.

A little bit of a lackluster clapper today, but that's neither here nor there. You can't be- More than a little bit lackluster. Can't be a 10 all the time. Can't be a 10 all the time. Although I do try. But I am going to take offense to your hat because I think you look very pretty. Well, if you would have seen me on this Zoom this morning, you would have thrown up. But thank you. I appreciate it. And I feel like Kylie should put that filter on my computer.

I feel like part of this is your fault. Let's go ahead and jump in and start browbeating Kylie. Kylie, I mean, I feel like if there's a filter out there and you knew about it, you could have done this for me a while back. I'll put it on for you right after this. Okay. You know what I want you to do since she's an attorney? Would you please just go ahead and put the cat filter on?

You know that meme where the guy's like, I'm not a cat, but Your Honor, I'd like to go ahead and proceed. Please, Kylie, put the cat filter on and then let's FaceTime her. She'd never be able to get it off. I would never be able to get it off. Exactly. So, yes, put the filter on, but do the cat. I would be at your mercy forever. But see, you know what? At least you just say, look, I'm a cat. I'm a cat today. Fucking meow. Absolutely.

Kylie, what's going on on the World Wide Web? Well, I've been noticing a trend on our reviews. Oh, okay. So I'm going to read you a few of them. Okay. Five stars from Dylan. And it's titled, The Only Podcast for True Patriots. And Dylan writes, if you're a doomsday prepping, gun-toting, Trump-guzzling Christian, then this is the podcast for us. With five American flag emojis.

Okay, we got another one. Five stars from Shelby. She writes, Okay.

We know who that is. It makes me so happy. The Sag and Dragons were referred to as a rack. And I'll tell you what I love about that review more than anything in the world. I love being called a broad. I just think that is cool. Like, I think like she's a broad. Like, I like that.

That's kind of like the most boomer thing I've heard you say on the podcast. I like being referred to as a broad. Is that boomer? I just think that's cool. No, I like it. I like it a lot. She's a heavy chested broad. I'm a heavy chested broad. She's a heavy chested broad. So here's what the situation is with that is the Patriots, the smart ones are tongue in cheek in the Apple reviews. Yep.

If we have some hate listeners left, all of the irony and the phrase tongue in cheek is just flies right over them. So many people are going to click on our podcast now that should not be here because they will not get it. Oh, but then we'll get some terrible reviews. And those are my favorite. Exactly. It's a perfect cycle. It's the perfect cycle. I love that. Yeah. I just want to leave on one. Five stars. Hot liberal moms of my dreams.

I know y'all only read the reviews, not your DMs. So, Pumps, let me be your stay-at-home mask trad wife. I'll fill your Stanley Cup with the sweetest of sweet teas. Oh, that's good. That's really good. That's an offer I can't refuse. Hey, here's something. We could be super edgy.

Here at I've had it and we could this is really like totally gaming the system. We could say if you want to date pumps, we only communicate with people via five star reviews.

We make it a dating app. Exactly. Turn Apple reviews to a dating app. We make Apple reviews a dating app. That's what we do. That assumes that someone would want to be on the app. Which is going to increase our screen time, which then I'm going to be mad at Apple after that for sending me the report. But I love the Apple Watch. And it all circles back. Do you suffer from having a parasocial relationship with two barely competent middle-aged women? No.

If so, please go to I've had it podcast.com or to any social media site. I'm talking X formerly Twitter, Instagram, Tik TOK, et cetera, and click the link in bio and come see us at the hot shit tour. Make your parasocial relationship real at the hot shit tour, right? Pumps. Tell them it's so fun. We hope to see you there.

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Okay, pumps. I want to read to you a tweet that somebody sent me on Instagram. People are always sending us all this stuff. Okay, so Woodrow Peel at Woody Loves Coffee posts. My neighbor asked to borrow ketchup. Yes, I know a neighbor. Very impressive. And the neighbor gave me attitude because it was Hunt's and not Heinz. So I pulled it back and

and refused to give it to her. And now our altercation is on a neighborhood app. What I'm saying is we're living in the stupidest timeline in history.

I can't disagree. What do you do if a neighbor has to borrow ketchup, then browbeat you because you bought Hunt's and not Heinz? Do you take the ketchup back and say, go fuck yourself? I absolutely take the ketchup back and say, go fuck yourself. Yeah, I agree. I'm on team at Woody Loves Coffee here. Yeah, like you need it. You asked to borrow it. If you don't like it, go fuck yourself. And then this person is on the neighborhood app, which Seth, bonus for you if you can find this post.

Right. What do you say on the neighborhood app? Like, oh, my God, this asshole eats the wrong kind of ketchup. I mean, who would even take the time to do that? I mean, that's really shitty to put it on a post. But here's the deal. It's shitty to go to ask to borrow ketchup and criticize the brand. This is a shitty person. Right. So, I mean, the bar was set so low. You know what I would do if they posted that on the neighborhood app and I saw it after they tried to borrow my ketchup? I think my response would be...

If you have enough time to come to my house and then post about it on the neighborhood app, get your fucking fat ass in the car and go get your own fucking ketchup. Because the whole reason you borrow is to make it quick. I think you could go more gangster than that. You do? Yeah. I think what you do at this point is, I mean, that's so pedestrian pumps, what you just said. Oh, I think it's strong. I think you say, this person...

engages in purchasing all sorts of crazy porn and it often gets delivered to my house by accident.

This is not about the ketchup. You just go nuclear. You just go fucking crazy. Gaslight the shit out of it. Just crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Yeah, because that's how you combat crazy. Why does she get to be crazy and you can't be crazy? I mean, that would blow it up. There is no doubt about that. You take the neighborhood app and you go, look, you guys buckle, fasten your seatbelts. We're fucking going to go right here. You could even go so far as to say...

You know that your neighbor, I've seen them, you're one of the spouses in the neighborhood and the ketchup borrower are having a hot affair. That's what you do.

I'm not going to say who the other neighbor is. That's what you do. But you need to be aware of this neighbor. That's exactly what you do. You say, and then you say like, say the neighbor's name is Jane. And then you're like, Jane's a hoarder. Just a one sentence thing. Jane has cockroaches in her house. Jane eats cockroaches. You just keep going. It's like psychological warfare. You just go. Like, you know, like all that person did was

Yes, you can borrow some ketchup. All I tried to do was be nice. And you just had to blow it up. So now you wanted to be psycho. You out crazy. I'm going to out psycho you all day long. Yeah, that's what you do. Stick to I've Had It podcast for more life tips. Just one life tip after the other here. All right. Let me tell everybody what we're going to do today. Kylie and I have decided we're going to have a little community episode. We're digging in.

to members of our community here at I've Had It Podcast, which we still do not have a name. We're open for names for our community. And it just like some people are like the Hadites. And I'm just like, that sounds weird, like a religious cult. Nonetheless, if somebody could come up with something just that nails it, go leave a five star review. All right. So we're going to do a mixture of people that have DM'd us and...

Direct from our Patreon members. Okay, so we're going to go back and forth. Kylie and I are going to read these to you. And these are people's habits. Okay. Okay. Alina on Instagram DM to Kylie, which if you DM I've had it podcast, that's Kylie's account. But you can also follow her at K-I-L-E-Y Josie. Not K-Y-L-I-E. K-I-L-E-Y. All right. Here we go.

Alina says, Hey, Jen and Pumps. First off, I fucking love your podcast and how you guys cut through the bullshit of it all. I needed to tell you guys about a national emergency happening, a real epidemic in this country. I fucking had it with people who have a miserableness kink.

These are the people who secretly love living a miserable life. The ones who constantly talk about their same problems, ask you for advice, and then do nothing with it. They tell everyone about their miserable lives every chance they get because they secretly fucking love it and kill the vibe everywhere they go.

They don't make an effort to change, make themselves happy or be better because their kink is they love being miserable and I've had it. Go be miserable at home if you're not going to take some advice because no one likes hanging out with you. Read the room, assholes. Thanks. Love you guys. LMAO.

which pumps. That's what the kids call laughing my ass off. All right. I'm just making sure. Meemaw, I was just making sure because that's what daughters do for their moms. That's right. Okay. Let me just tell you, Alina, I was married to that asshole.

Oh, you sure as fuck were. I mean, it was just like, I can't talk about this anymore. I can't. We've gone over it and over it and over it. And if you're not going to get the solution, I'm done fucking talking about it. That went on for years. Set in therapy for years talking about the same problem. Never did anything. It's

It's like an emotional vacuum cleaner just sucking life out of you. She's right, though. She calls it a miserableness kink. I've never heard it termed like that, but I think that is a nailed it. I think that that is so spot on because I think so many people romanticize with having problems and staying in problems and not finding a solution. Yes.

And I am a huge advocate for mental health therapy. But sometimes I think...

If you ruminate in your problems too long and don't get to a solution quickly, then you're just ruminating in misery all of the time. Well, it gets comfortable to be miserable. That's like your comfort zone is being miserable. But, you know, I mean, like I've had friends and it's like year after year, decade after decade. It's the same level of misery in the exact same set of ways.

of problems, just different players, different venues, but it's the same theme that runs through all of it. You don't have to tell me. I fucking loved it. Oh, you sure as hell did. It's just like, you just want to claw your own eyes out and drink your own blood to get away from it. It's so ridiculous. Yeah. And on top of that, he was a world-class hypochondriac. Healthy as a horse.

World-class hypochondriac. Like I've never seen anything like it ever. But now I can imagine like just, it's really sad, the hypochondria, because it's like, I dread going to the doctor's office because it's such a circle jerk. Right. It's such a, I just dread it. I have to be very sick to go to the doctor's office. I cannot imagine wanting to go all the time.

No. What do you get? I mean, I just, it's such a time-consuming thing, too. I mean, it's a lot of paperwork. And a first-world thing.

very much first world problem but I knew you were sick the other day when I said I'm going to take you to the doc in the box and you said okay I was like she's fucking dying yeah I don't go to the doctor very often yeah so now I get it I feel her I think she's 100% right yeah it's true Kylie do you have friends like this I do I think it's a they like being the victim yep right so they don't want to solve their problems because then what do they have

They're not the victim. Well, and you get attention when you're the victim and you get attention when you're in the problem. Well, I think at first, when you are first friends with a person like this, you're empathetic. Absolutely. And willing to give and you want to help. You want to be a helper. You want to help rescue. All of these things come into play. Then the second time it happens, you've lost a little bit of ambition about it, but then you keep going. But by the time you're

My age, much less your age, you know, you've been around the bend so many times with people that it's like this is the exact same script, different players, different venue. You're the common denominator. You're the problem. That's one of my favorite things is you are the common denominator. Yes. In all of your problems. Yes. Your problems look the same always because of you. I can think of one person that's the common denominator in all of his problems. Yes.

Can you name this person? Mike's husband? No. Josh Welch? No. Donald Trump? Nailed it, Kylie. Oh, I wasn't thinking that far. God, I wish we could do that again because that's my number one. Let me do it again. Okay. I can think of one person who is the common denominator in all of his problems.

Yes, pumps. Donald Trump nailed it. You're so good. Look at how cute pumps is today. Okay. All right, Kylie, do you have anyone that you'd like to read from his Patreon Instagram? Who are we reading from? I've got Aaron from Patreon. She's in our cult. Okay. And she writes, I've had it with businesses going cashless and then charging you a fee for using your card.

Do you all have that problem in America because it's happening here in Australia? Plus, we get the forced philanthropy and tipping option on top of that, too. The answer to that question is a resounding yes. Second A, yes. Because anytime America has the opportunity to be capitalism on steroids, we deliver and score an A++++. Never going to fail the capitalism test. No.

Never. Never going to fail the fuck the consumer test. Never. No, that is just like so fucking annoying when they won't take cash, but then you get the 3% or 1.5%.

And it's like, you're the one that's making me use my card. It is racket culture. Yes. It's out of control. Everybody is nickel and diming the shit out of everyone. Yeah. Constantly. You've got the cashless and then, oh, we're going to charge you a fee to use your card. Right. Which is a total racket and a scam. You left me no choice. And a grift. Right. And then you have like, I was ordering something online. It's like, do you want to tip the packager?

It's like you fucking pay the packager. This is out of control. It is grifting on top of grifting on top of grifting. And it's just total bullshit. But I will say, I saw that Biden is trying to start

attacking these fees, like banking fees and all of this. So the government needs to step in and regulate this stuff. It's out of control. Totally agree. That's a great hat. And you know how much I love an Australian. We do. All right. Let's hear from Kim Adams from Patreon. She says, I fucking had it with ASMR.

I remember when someone breathing heavy into the phone was creepy and scratching a fort on a plate was intolerable. Now people are paying for that shit. I've had it. Okay, I'll be the skank at the garden party. What is that? Is that like the therapy in your ears? Okay, I'm going to tell you what it is because I was on Patreon the other day and Ethan, who's in our Patreon club, was like,

Jen, do you like ASMR? And I thought I knew what it was, but I wasn't sure. So I was like, what is that? And he responds, it's like sounds of like, you know, wrestling papers. And he describes what it is.

And he and I said, I don't think I like that. And he goes, oh, I go to sleep to ASMR every night. And he was like, how do you go to sleep? And so then I responded. I have my fan on for ambient noise. I have a noisemaker on my phone for ambient noise. I have my two French bulldogs next to me and they snort and like lick their smacks. And then I was like, wait a second. Is this ASMR? So I think I like it.

When it's curated to me. Right. But now it's like this huge thing. But I also want to say Kim Adams is.

Everything that you just say here, I completely agree with. Yeah. Like scraping a fork on a plate. I've had it. I remember the prank phone calls back in the day. Totally. I made the prank phone calls many times. You ever there heavy breathing in the phone? I don't know if I would heavy breathe. I bet I would. I think I did. You over there making naughty sex calls in the 80s? Is that what you were doing, Mom? I was. And like...

What about me? Is your refrigerator running? You better go catch it. Ha ha ha. Is Meemaw over there prank calling in the 80s, being a little sex kitten? That's right. I was like, mew. But I agree with her. Kylie, weigh in because you're younger than Pumps and weigh in on this ASMR thing. I don't like it personally, but people fucking love it. It's huge. So they'll put their headphones in and then people will. I'm going to do some for you. Okay. So they'll talk.

Is it like an app to go to sleep to or is that a calming app? There's an app. You can find it on YouTube, on TikTok, and it gives people like tingles down their spine. It's a big thing. I don't like it. Here's the thing. I don't think I would like that, but I will say on the permanent record, I agree with Kim Adams, everything that she just wrote.

But when I was messaging with Ethan in our Patreon club and he was like asking me if I like it and then I described how I go to sleep, like I could probably listen to my dogs snort and lick their smacks.

infinitely. And it brings me immeasurable joy and relaxation first and foremost, because I love my children. Right. Right. Warms your heart. Then you're like putty snuggling in. I'm a great mom. You're a great mom. There's no question about that. Mother of the year over here. Absolutely. So I don't know that I would get on the app. I don't know that I want to hear like

People making whispering noises, although I believe that myself and Kylie and Seth and our listener would very much like to hear you do a prank call. Let's role play right now. Okay, I'm going to answer the phone. You be the prank caller.

Hello. What am I prank calling about, though? We have to set the scene. I got to get some contacts. All right. All right. All right. You're doing the naughty, sexy, pumps, prank call, a la 1980s version. Hello. Hey, baby. I think we can infer it wasn't very sexy even in the 80s. How about, why don't you bring out your big, hard rock, wait, your rock hard cock chat? Yeah.

No wonder she doesn't get laid, Kylie. Yeah, that dried me up real quick. You know, Pumps, when you start podcasting, the last thing you're thinking about is setting up an online store. And there we found ourselves with listeners wanting merch. And you and I had no idea.

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All right, Kylie, who do you have? All right, I've got Kat from Patreon. Okay. And she writes, I've had it with the medical merry-go-round of doctors sending in assistants and nurses into the room before they show up. It makes me feel as if my medical history is some sort of mystery that will unravel the reason for a simple eye infection. Completely agree. That's a great had it.

I've had it with that. Let's go through the fuckery of what happens when you go to a doctor office. Let's just completely unpackage step by step the fuckery of going to the doctor. Okay. If you have insurance, if you're lucky enough in one of the richest countries in the world to have insurance. Okay. So you call the doctor's office to get an appointment and they tell you they can't see you for four to six months. Right. You're like, what if I'm dying? Too fucking bad. Right. Right.

So then you finally get in to see them and you go on time for your appointment. The person behind the desk doesn't seem excited to see you. No. There's no, the customer is always right. It's kind of like, I need your insurance card and your ID. Yeah.

And it's just like, they're just miserable. And then all of a sudden you're miserable. Right. Then you go sit down and you fill out all of these forms that you filled out 7,500,000 times. Why? I don't get it. In the modern age, is there not something where I can tap and they can tap and I send all of the stuff?

All of the health history. Why do we have to do it over and over? And these are like 100 questions. Right. And they're questions that you've answered every time you visit. So it's not changed that much. It's not new information. It's not new information. And then you have to answer, when was the last time you got your shots? Well, it's in my shot record. I got the shots here. Like, it's no mystery. Look in the computer. Yeah.

And then after you give them all that paperwork, everything they do in the office is on an iPad. Well, here's what then once you get through all of that, the front desk and you fill out the form and then you turn it in, then you go back and you wait. And you're about 30, 45 minutes past your scheduled doctor appointment time.

Like they're running late and you're just sitting there and you've waited four to six months to get this appointment. And you can't leave. So you can't leave. So then you finally go back and the nurse says, what's going on? You tell the nurse everything.

She seems to comprehend it. She seems to take notes. It seems like everybody's on the same page at this point. Right. And then the doctor comes in, the most confused person in the entire office. It's always the doctor. They have no idea what's going on. He walks in and he goes, hmm. And he has the chart. Right. But he hasn't looked at it. It's clear. And he goes, what am I seeing you for today? And I'm like,

Okay, I just filled out a 100 question questionnaire about my health, my mother's health, my father's health, my siblings health, my children's health, date of my last period, the whole nine. We've gone over every medication. And then I just had a 20 minute visit with your nurse wherein she took my temperature. She looked in my ears, stuck a wood thing down my throat, check my blood pressure. Something in your nose. We've done all this stuff.

And you don't know why I'm here. How does that happen? No, I know. Because every time I go in there and that happens when the doctor is so confused about why I'm there, I think I'm so glad that I'm very good about because, you know, I might have 30 divorces at the same time and all the issues kind of run together. But always before I go in, I review the file. Here's what we're going to do. We're just going to walk in and start sitting down for the podcast and go,

Why are we here? Why are we here? What are we doing today? Why are we here? Kylie, can you tell us why we're here today? I'm not sure why I'm here. Right. Do you know why I'm here? I know you're not putting filters on my Zoom. I know you clap. I clap. That's what I mean. It's like, why is the most degreed and educated person...

the most clueless guy or gal when they walk into the room. It's like, why are we doing all of this pre stuff? If y'all aren't passing the information on to the boss. And I always feel like take 15 to 30 seconds just to read while I'm here before you go in there, because then it makes me lose confidence in why I'm here. Like,

obviously this person doesn't give a fuck why I'm here or they would have read the chart. Do you ever feel like that? Yeah. And then here's the thing too. I just think it would be better time management while the nurse is

If the nurse and doctor came in and tag teamed you at the same time, she's doing your blood pressure. She's taking checking your temperature, you know, with the thing in the air. And then you're like, here's the deal. My throat's on fire. I'm miserable. And so instead of the nurse looking at it, then the doctor looking at it. Got a great idea. How about just the doctor look at it? Skip the first step.

How about everybody be on the same page at the same time? No, I agree. They could see more patients that way. Right. Be more efficient. We don't have to answer the same series of questions.

over and over because then at the time by the time i've answered it when i called right so the phone call you've told us your symptoms are here them typing inputting then you fill it out in the paperwork then the nurse asks you sometimes the reception asks you even though you've also put it on the paperwork by the time the doctor asks i'm like do they not believe me right do they think i'm a hypo what's happening is my throat sore i'm

Am I making this up? Is this psychosomatic illness? Is that what we have here? Is that what they're doing? Is a series of questions to make me doubt my reality of why I came to the doctor's office today? It's just, it's so obnoxious. That's a great one. I hadn't thought of. Yeah, it's really good. Okay. Let's hear from Sandy from Patreon.

I've had it with polite drivers. If we get to a four-way stop situation and you get there first, you'd better go. Do not be polite and wave me on because then I will absolutely wave right back at you. And then we'll inevitably lurch forward and break and sink together multiple times because someone was trying to be polite.

The rules are there to make things simpler. It is not polite to break the rules. Just go and stop looking for a pat on the back and wasting everyone's time. I agree with Sandy. I agree with Sandy on this completely. And I used to be the biggest offender of this. And now here's what I do. I pull up to that intersection. And if I'm on the right,

I do not. There's no monkeying around. I go. If I'm on the left and that person, I give it about a four count, just a five, six, seven, eight jazz hand. By the time I hit jazz hands, if they're not going, I'm going. And if they honk and flip me off or whatever. But for years of my life, I did exactly what Sandy was talking about. But you know what I've done?

Grown. Taking control of that situation. I've grown. See, there's a four-way stop on the way to my mother's house, and I am an offender. I mean, spot it, got it. I am what Sandy's had it with. And I need to be better. What was it that drove you crazy about your husband? Not getting in the solution. Yeah. Yeah. I need to do that. Yeah. All right, listen, here's the deal, you guys. I don't know how many times I have to say it. We wanted 10,000 Apple reviews.

We have not met our goal. We got 100,000 YouTube subscribers before we reached the initial goal of 10,000 Apple reviews. We're lagging. Please submit via Apple reviews, petty grievances, pumps dating applications.

Tips, restaurant recommendations. Basically, anything that you want to tell us, that's the only thing we're going to check from now on until we hit 10,000. Right, Kylie? I'm closing the DMs. Exactly. Close the DMs. Exactly. Straight Apple review. Grievances. I mean, I want it to be so psychotic. I want it to be exactly as psychotic as what our imaginary neighborhood app response would be with the ketchup person. I'm really getting fired up about that neighborhood app, that fantasy neighborhood app. It'd be fine, right? I've got it.

Like all in now. Wouldn't that be fun? Yeah. I love it. All right. And then join Patreon where every Monday we drop an episode of our Patreon cast called Girl Please. Yeah.

We flip the scripts and in an alarming turn of events, I clap us in. It's very disorienting. I'm just going to say for the permanent record, I'm pretty good at it. You are good at it. I will give you credit where credit's due. You are good at it. Thanks, me mom. And then check us out at the Hot Shit Tour. We're going to Florida. We're going to Charlotte. We're going to Boston. That's right. Snatch up those tickets because Pumps is going to be snatched out on stage. Oh.

Like nobody's business. Me snatched. I mean, it just goes together. Yep. Yep. Snatchmaw. Snatchmaw. And click our link in bio. We have merch. We have new really cool merch. Really cool merch. Meemaw is not modeling any of the merch today, but you can look at some previous episodes to see Meemaw modeling it. Kylie, do you think that we could do a Meemaw photo shoot? A mother-daughter photo shoot? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, the generations in our age. You know what we need to have those merch people do? You know how she has the rainbow shirt that says mother? I need one that says daughter. And then you need one that says granddaughter. All right. That's all we have for today. Go to our link in bio and it pretty much tells you everything. But if you want to communicate with us directly, five stars, Apple review and or Spotify reviews. But I don't know why I'm fixated on Apple. I just am.

Jennifer, there's a lot of questions out there about what we're fixated on. I think part of the fun is not knowing. All right. Tell them, Pum. We will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. I'll tell you what I've had it with. Let's hear it.