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Welcome to another episode of Handsome. I'm Mae Martin. I'm joined, of course, by my most handsome co-host. Fortune Feimster. Tig Notaro. And we're handsome! We are. Tig, you're looking particularly handsome because you got a fresh computer camera. Yeah. Well, not a computer camera, but there is just the regular computer camera that's on my laptop, but I don't have an additional camera on it, but...
Here I am. Fresh laptop. Fresh laptop in the house because your last one got stolen. Yeah, yeah. And now you're all set. Yeah, you can't hold me back. I'm not encouraging people to take my computer. Yeah, don't do that. Well, you were sharing your wife's computer. Well, she was sharing it. True. True.
And I think she was like, okay, now when's this laptop coming? Exactly. I would be nervous sharing my laptop with anyone because of my internet search history. I'd be scared about that. What's in there? Yeah, what you looking up, me? I mean, mainly facts, but also like...
mainly small pieces of trivia, but I don't know. I don't know. Who knows? Like late night kind of trying to, I don't know, being like, is it normal to be me Googling? And what did it say?
It's normal for you. It's yeah, it's my norm. It's my norm. I often Google bloopers and I watch the same bloopers. I find them soothing. Like there's one Seinfeld blooper of Elaine and Mr. Costanza. And I just love it. I watch it all the time. It makes me laugh every single time. Watching people laugh makes me. And you should consider filming yourself watching a blooper on different dates. Yeah.
Just my little sad giggle as I'm alone in my apartment. And then as you finish, then you also get the moment that you say, ah, that feels so much better after you've soothed yourself. Look at those joyful actors in the 90s. And then can you upload it to TikTok? Yeah.
I always really liked America's Funniest Home Videos. And I know there's like, like, not a terribly cool vibe to say that. No, that's cool. I mean, even if it's not, it's just true. I can't help it. I enjoy it.
You like seeing the dads that they're like, and now it's time for the dad saving their kid videos. And it's all these kids where the dad gets them at the last minute. Those are nail biting. Those are intense. A lot of pet ones, animals doing wacky things. I love when an animal does a wacky thing.
I even like when an animal is just lying there not doing anything. And babies, yeah. Or a kid that's like, I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah.
Yeah, kids saying inappropriate things is always good. Oh, come to our house. There's a video that I really like that I'm embarrassed. I don't like what it's called. And so I'm embarrassed when I have to type what it's called to find the video. Okay, it's called... Pantsies. It's in the vein of America's funniest home videos. Where are the panties? It's called... Where are your panties? No, it's called Women Falling Down.
And I feel awful typing it in, but the video is just a compilation of women... Falling down? Falling down. And, you know, none of them are seriously injured, but what's so funny is every time... That is so soothing. It's so soothing. Night-night. Every time...
a new video starts, you know, this woman's going to fall down. Wow. That is so specific. I know. Like someone giving a toast at a wedding and you're like, she's going to go. I would prefer, I don't like watching people fall down. I, I, I don't like it. And not because I connect and I'm like, Oh, it's so embarrassing. I'm always, if I fall down and somebody sees it, I'm like, there is my gift to you, my friend. Um,
Do you fall down a lot? I mean, of course. But I would enjoy a compilation of wedding speeches.
Because those can get pretty terrible. Yeah. And also when like a drunk best man trying to be funny and all of that stuff, I would be, I gave one, I thought it was pretty good. Well, everyone thinks there's as good. I'm not, that reminds me of, do you know the comedian Taylor Williamson? Uh huh. No. Yeah. He was talking to me once about this date he went on and he was like, I don't get it. She didn't call me back. And we had such a great date.
And I said, you had such a great day. She did not feel the same. And he laughed so hard. And he was like, oh, my God, you're right. It never crosses my mind.
She must have lost her phone. I know. What happened? Let's send to the police. She's clearly writing about me in her diary every night. The one that got away. You guys, do you want to know something cute about diaries? Please. Yeah. Both of my sons journal every day. And, and,
They can't spell. Oh, my God. It is when I walk in and like Max journals on the go. He walks while he journals. Really? That's a lot of thoughts. Yeah. He'll be walking down the sidewalk. We're at the farmer's market. He's journaling. Finn sits down at his little chair next to his bed.
Before he goes to sleep and he sits and he journals about what he did that day. Aww. What kind of stuff did they feel is important to record? Like, is it surprising what they are like, this is important for me to remember? It's like today I went to the Christmas tree lot.
And, you know, our Christmas tree was delivered and we put ornaments on like it's that kind of thing. The big highlight of the day. And it's yeah, it's maybe half a page to two pages, depending on how big they're writing. But it's just a real fun mystery to crack the case of what these words are.
That's great. And you're allowed to read the journal? It's not no big secrets? No. Search history? Yeah, we're not allowed to read it, but I'll walk in and somebody's clearly journaling and I'll say, oh, are you journaling? And I'll kind of look over and I can take a bit of a snapshot. Because again, it's like maybe 10 words on a page. You're like, G-R-A-T-E, come on. Yeah.
G-R-A-T-E. What is that? Oh, great. Wow. You're quite the speller. I get it now. Thank you. My comedy digs deep. In my like grade three class, we had a worry jar at the front of the class and a wish jar. And so we would write down our worries and wishes. But they said that no one would read them. And it was like, you know,
you know, to put them out in the world and the energy and stuff. But clearly the teacher was reading them. So we just thought the teacher was so in our heads and like psychic. Cause she'd be like, smart. I know. Cause she'd be like, and just so everyone knows, uh, everyone's going to get a part in the play this year. And it's three kids would be like, phew. I was really thinking about that. It,
It's like she knows my thoughts. Yeah. That is so great. Worries and wishes. Yeah. That's a pretty good suggestion for teachers. How old are you? Grade three. So like eight. Yeah. Yeah. No one ever asked me what I, what my wishes or my worries were. And I really use that outlet.
Fortune, what are your worries and wishes? Oh, gosh, guys. Thank you for asking. My worry is my dog, Biggie, is about to have surgery to get his teeth cleaned. Yeah. They got to put them under and it...
It just makes me really nervous because he's just little and precious, and I don't like the thought of that. Yeah. I didn't know that they put them under to clean their teeth. Well, sometimes you can do a light thing, but to really clean them, and he's older, so he needs some extractions. It's better to put them under just so he's not in pain, but anything like that weighs on me. So every day for the last five days, we were just like,
staring at him and cuddling oh man so my worry is that my wish is that it goes well and he's okay you know um those videos when people come out of being sedated and then their parents are filming them after they get their wisdom teeth out or whatever and they're like where is my hat and they're like you didn't have a hat i heard you like maybe you have my hat yeah
Yeah. I love those. Wasn't there that one that went viral with the kid that he bit his finger or something? Oh, no. Oh, Charlie bit my finger? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good thing. Oh, no. It's very specific. No, there wasn't. Unless you're talking about Charlie bit my finger. Then of course. Unless you're talking about that viral video where the kid bit his finger. Wasn't that after it did its thing?
or no? No, no. Oh, that was just a random thing. Oh, I remember that one. He has an English accent, right? It probably sounds like Deb. Yeah, Debbie. Yeah, his brother bites his finger and he goes, ah!
Charlie, that really hurt. As I'm telling it, I'm like, why did that go viral? Because there weren't any other videos online yet. Yeah, there were only four. So that was the best. That one and the grape lady. Oh, yeah. That has a sad twist. The grape stomp lady. Turns out she punctured her lung. She's all right now. She did? She did. And we're all laughing at the sounds she's making. Oh, my God. I was crying laughing. She's in the background going, oh, oh, oh.
And people are all like sending it to all their friends. Like this is the greatest I've ever heard. She's like in the hospital waiting for a lung transplant. One time before I went in for surgery, the doctor told us that it was going to be, I think 30 or 45 minutes.
And they had given me the gas. Yeah. And Stephanie said that when they were rolling me in to the operating room...
I was so out of my mind. And she said, of course, wanted everything to go well for obvious reasons. But she said, especially because the last, if something happened, the last thing she would have seen was me with this crazy face going, bye. I was completely out of my mind and did not look like myself. And they rolled me in. She was like, oh, God, why?
oh god fingers crossed maybe we need to do a we need to all do laughing gas and try to make a viral video we try and record the pod and we're all like hi well wouldn't that just be weed we could all get high oh like a weed dinner i did that once no me smoking weed and trying to do the pod would be like guys am i being too loud am i would be paranoia how does my propeller look
Yeah. Do you smoke weed? Uh, uh, no, uh, fortune. What? No, uh, everyone thinks I'm high all the time. We've even had some handsome listeners comment on some of our videos to say, wow, I want whatever fortunes on. Um,
I do not smoke much weed, nor do I do much edibles. I can probably count on my two hands how many times I've done it my whole life. Really? Yeah. I just have a personality that seems high a lot. And my eyes are squinty and I slur my words because I'm Southern and I like snacks.
That's pretty good if you're feeling peer pressure at a party and you can go, nah, I'm already baked. Well, yeah, I mean, but my humor and personality is such of a high person. Like, I giggle at weird random things. However, I did film this thing with Chelsea Handler, who was on the pod a couple episodes ago, and she filmed it for Netflix. Yeah.
where we ate a five course weed dinner. I talked about it in one of my standup specials. - A five course weed dinner. - Five courses. - What does that even mean? - Like the weed is cooked into the butter and stuff. - Everything. - I mean, when you eat weed, that is so unpredictable. People go nuts. - Yeah. My problem is I love food.
So I can't not eat the food. And so everybody else is like having nibbles of every course. But the food was made by a legit chef. So I'm eating every drop of this food, getting higher than I will ever be my entire life total.
And I've never been funnier for like an hour. Like the funniest I've ever been. So says your high self. Yeah, this brings us back to the date story. And I was hilarious.
Chelsea and I were crying. They left a lot of it. Because you were high. I know. But they left a lot of it on the cutting room floor. But people kept asking for years, like, can we please get these bloopers? What is that on? It's on Netflix. She had like a four series documentary thing that Chelsea does. I remember this. It was amazing. So we were, again, yes, we were both high. So we were crying, laughing. But then after an hour, I hit a wall.
And could barely walk. I could barely function. I could barely process what was going on. Luckily, a car drove me home. And I just kind of hazily remember going through my front door, passing. I knew enough in my head to be like, I can't do anything anymore.
So I have to just go to bed. Yeah. So I passed out and the next, I was still high the next morning and Chelsea wrote like, are you guys still high? And we were like, yeah, everyone's like, yes, it was, that was too much weed for sure. Sounds like it.
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I had a friend who was like a he was a regular weed smoker and so but then he'd never eaten weed and didn't know I guess the amounts and so he'd cooked this pasta with like tons of like too much weed in it and we were at his house and I'm not smoking weed and we hung out and I was sleeping over I was visiting him so he eats this pasta and then I go to bed and in the morning he
he's in the bathroom, in the bathtub in all his clothes. And I went, what are you doing in the bathtub? And there's this long silence and he goes, didn't you put me in the bathtub?
I love that visual of you putting someone in a bathtub. And the way he said, didn't you, didn't you put me in the bathtub? And I'm, and you did not. I did not put him in the bathtub. No, it was an empty bathtub. No water. Just to clarify. On my old podcast, there was a, like a gummy sample that was sent for an advertising campaign.
for a company and and I tried it because I had trouble going to sleep and I thought oh maybe this would be helpful and Everything was fine, and then I felt really nice And I thought oh this is the feeling that people like when they're high okay. I get that then
It hit another level. And I had to go lie down on the couch. Yeah. And it was bedtime and Stephanie was getting Max and Finn in the bath. And, you know, she's... I'm lying on the couch in our bedroom. And, like, you hear in the hallway, like, people getting ready for bed and bath time and, you know, doors shutting and people walking around. Very busy in the hallway. And Stephanie's like, Tig, can you please help me? And I said...
I can't get up. And she leans her head in the door and she said, what are you talking about? And I said, Stephanie, you have to believe me when I tell you literally cannot get up.
And I'm not trying to get out of helping. I cannot get up. And then when I talked to people after that, they said there's this thing called couch lock or something like that. It reminds me of that sleep paralysis thing. Yeah. I love that your face and voice sounds totally lucid. You're like, I literally cannot get up. I'd love to help you, but I cannot. Yeah. Because your body's like, you're aware, but your body, like you can't control it. Right? I could not. Yeah. I could not move.
It was the craziest feeling. But I've definitely tried gummies for sleep and they can help. Do you guys? I'm not opposed to it. What, Mae? Oh, I was just, there's no segue, but I was going to say, do you have any New Year's resolutions? Was that smooth? That was so smooth. Yeah. I mean. It's like, I got to get to this part for sure.
I'm like, oh. I'm not going to let this weed sidetrack us. New Year's resolutions. I can't remember if I told... I did tell you guys that Jax and I make, you know, a vision board. So we're going to be doing that. That's where I'm going to really dig into my hopes and desires for 2024. Your wishes and worries of 2024. For me, health is always up there. I got a... I had lost a bunch of...
weight and got a lot healthier when I filmed season one of this FUBAR show. I was doing this big action series and then we, we stopped filming and then I went off the rails again. And so the goal now is to get it back going and try to just make better choices and be a little more diligent about being, you know, going on walks and being active, stuff like that. That's a big one for me. And do you swim?
I have a pool, but I don't swim regularly, I guess. Should I? Yeah. Well, Tig, you tread water, right? I do. Haven't I told you that, Fortune? I don't know if we've talked about it. Sarah Silverman told me that you can tread water for a long time. For an hour, I do it at a time. So does that burn a lot of calories? Like if I just go in the deep end and just tread, that will be good? Well, I don't know how...
how many calories I did it for my back after I had back surgery and after I broke my femur. So it was easier for me to be weightless when I was exercising. And so I started doing this back in 2019. And when I'm on tour, I bring my bathing suit everywhere I go. If I know there's a pool,
I started off at 15 minutes and I was like, oh, that felt good. It was just an instinct I had of like no doctor said to go do it, but it strengthened my body like crazy and my back. Oh, man. So I did 15 minutes. And then after that, the next time I thought, well, I'll just do 30. Yeah. And then I did that.
And then I was like, I'll do 45. I did 45. And then the next time I did an hour. And then after that, I was like, I don't need to go beyond an hour. That feels like a real exercise. What do you think about for all that time? Yeah. Well, it becomes through your mind. It becomes a little meditative. You know, I try not to always like when I take walks or I'm, I'm, I'm treading water. I don't listen to music. I don't watch anything. I just try and,
Get my thoughts going. That's smart. Yeah. But you should try it because just try 15 minutes and it feels so good. Okay. And it's really good for you. Can I do it in my hot tub? Yes. No, that's a good idea. I should put that into the rotation. Yeah. I like the sound of that. Mae, are you like an active...
like gym person? Yeah, I do weights. I do weights. Yeah. No cardio? No, I used to, but I don't know. I just can't. I don't know. I need to do more, I guess. Like do them the like free weights kind of thing? We should all meet at Fortunes and tread water. Put that on the list, Thomas. I need to, if I was listening to a podcast about like shark attacks, that's what would get me going treading water for, I could, because...
That would put the fear in me. Have I talked about my face-to-face with sharks on the show? What? No. No? This is where the treading water first started.
I was on tour and my old assistant really wanted, he said on his bucket list, he wanted to swim with sharks. Oh my God. And we were going to Florida and my old producing partner from this festival I worked on was in Florida. And I said, oh, well, he does everything. My old producing partner, he does everything. He knows everyone, all of that. I said, oh, well, Jeff will be able to lead us in the right direction.
Sure enough, Jeff's like, oh, yeah, I have friends that take people out on boats and it's like free open swimming with bull sharks. No, no. What do you mean? Bull sharks, you're not in a cage. Bull sharks are the most aggressive shark. And you can't control them. You can't make them not bite you. No, you can't. Okay, so. Okay, what do you mean free open with the most aggressive shark? And you agreed to this?
Um, I didn't for a while. We're out on the boat. And yeah, we were out in the middle of the ocean in Florida and
And the guys that we were with, they were like, all right, well, this is kind of the area. And so we get Jeff and those guys, they went in the water and there was like a rope tied to the boat with like a little bobber. I don't trust any of the guys are like, all right, this is kind of the area. Like these guys sound like. They were awesome. These guys are awesome. Loved them. But yeah, I just thought they,
they don't know like the past 10 years, nobody's been eaten by a shark or bitten by a shark. So they say, and so I thought, well, I guess I'll do it. And I just jumped into the water. You guys, if you pull up my Instagram account, there is a picture that will blow your mind.
I'm right next to... Everyone thinks it's a great white just because bull sharks are as big and they look very similarly. And if you're not familiar with sharks. And I didn't know at the time that they were more aggressive than great white sharks. What? So we're swimming. When I say swimming, what they taught us was you float...
And you keep eye contact with sharks. You don't ever turn your back. I won't jump into the water if there's one jellyfish. Well, there's more than that. Yeah, I was in the water floating, making eye contact with these huge bull sharks. It was very unsettling. But I do feel like now, if I'm ever in a situation and there is a shark...
And quite possibly, I don't know myself, and I will still freak out and try and run on water. But what he was saying is the shark really does not want...
anything to do with you, doesn't like the taste of you. But if you keep eye contact with a shark and you just float and you don't make a lot of splashes and don't turn your back, they're going to go around you. I mean, that is helpful information. There have been a lot more shark attacks lately. Really? Mm-hmm.
If you're face to face with a shark, at least try to do that rather than swim away, turn your back and then they're going to get you. Yeah, good luck staying calm. I would just cross my arms over my chest and float to the bottom and give up like the fear would be too much. But well, I'm glad I did it. And I do feel like I learned a lot. And after 30 minutes, I did think,
no need to, you know, push this any further. And I got out at that point. That's a lot of time of in the water. I'm, I'd be like, it's time to go in and get a snack. Yeah.
And not be a snack. For real. That must have been pre-kids. Nope, it was a year and a half ago. Oh, Tig. Although, if you're gonna lose a parent, like, to bull sharks is not bad as a way to... Yeah, they'd be like, yeah, that's how a mom went. She jumped in with sharks willingly. Well, Stephanie was not... I told her, like, I was telling her some exciting good news, and she was like...
Why would you do that? Yeah. What were you thinking? And I was like, I don't know. I...
I was like, oh, you know, when you think you're telling somebody something. Yeah. I was like, well, you could be so excited because you survived. Yeah. Yeah. And did we talk about bear attacks? Oh, we sure did not. Well, here's a little catchy, catchy phrase to learn how to deal with bears. Hey, bear. Exactly. Let's go to commercial. Okay.
No, it's if they're brown, stand down. If they're black, fight back. If they're white, good night. Oh, gosh. If you are face to face with a polar bear, you're dead. You have no chance. If it's white, good night. That means you're dead.
I just got nervous like I'm somehow going to be in the presence of a polar bear. And then a brown one is a grizzly. And so you just need to stand still. Try and make yourself big. Don't turn your back on them. Keep eye contact. And then a black bear is like those doofus-y ones that are just like trying to get some honey. Don't say, you're tempting fate by calling them doofuses. You know what?
You know when you see those videos of a bear in someone's house and the woman's like, get out! And the bear's like, oh, sorry, I didn't know. Yeah, that's a black bear. And you can be like, get out! Get out of here! I mean, they could attack, but it's very unlikely. They really don't want anything to do with you. Tig survival facts! Oh yeah, tig facts! Tig facts, tig survival facts!
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Get 80% off your impression kit when you use code WONDERY at Byte.com. That's B-Y-T-E dot com. Start your confidence journey today with Byte. I don't want to hang out with bears when they're awake, but if I knew where they were hibernating and I could sneak into the cave and snuggle up with them and just... No. Like, no? No? No. That is very dangerous.
just you're saying if there's a world in which they're hibernating and they don't wake up sure yeah even if it's a white bear good night white good night i don't know if i can remember that that saying brown stand down uh-huh black black white good night wait but that's so casual black fight back like what what do i do ball up my little spindly fists and like yeah okay
I mean, again, nature is really fighting back because there's been people dying from bear attacks lately. Well, yeah, the orcas are organizing. They keep attacking boats. Unbelievable. Yeah, I'm sort of team orca. If they're listening, I want them to know I'm on your side. If you encounter me out in the ocean, I'm on your side. That's our target demographic, I think, is orcas. I went fly fishing in the middle of like,
bumfuck Alaska where there's no cell phone tower person for many, many miles. Alone? No, we went with a guide. You and Jax? No, this was pre-Jax.
it was me, my friend, and her dad and our guide. So just four of us. And when you go through... We're going through the woods. We're going through the home of every nature...
situation in alaska that there is and uh every animal's like just like right beside us everywhere we don't know they're there yeah i'm picturing you going through like homes like there's a bunch of moose and they're eating dinner they're like top hat hello hello good morning but you do uh yell hey bear the whole time hey bear hey where are you gonna be loud and make your presence known
And our guide did have a, you know, cause you can't be in the Alaskan wilderness without a gun. You just can't. By the way, you could say, Hey there. I mean, bears aren't going to be that particular. You'd be like, the bears like, no, they're not. They're not talking to me. I didn't want a gun to be used in any kind of situation, but you have to either. They're just the guy that's have guns in, in these wilderness places. Cause there's, you know,
these ginormous bears everywhere. So we go fly fishing in the middle of the stream and there's salmon, they call them chum, everywhere, everywhere, everywhere. And so bears come to this stream like all day, every day, because this is a feast. And we're in the middle of their feast, their place where they feast. And we were fly fishing for about three hours and never saw a bear. I don't know how, never saw a bear. Did you see any salmon? Tons of salmon.
And we walk back through the wilderness. Hey, bear. Hey, bear. Yelling, yelling, yelling. We get back to the van and the guide's face turns white. No. We're like, what? Good night. And he goes...
I didn't have any ammo in my gun. And he goes, if anything had happened, we would have been done for, basically. And I was like, goodbye, Alaska. Goodbye.
The only tool in your... No tip. Nothing. We would have had nothing. We were literally sitting ducks. Yes. You might as well have been salmon. Yeah, for sure. Is that a fortune? Luckily, in hindsight, it was the most...
gorgeous, most beautiful, most incredible experience I've ever had in a type of wilderness I've never been in before. Like the remoteness of it was like something I've never experienced. But yeah, we were all sitting in silence on the way back. There weren't even cell phone towers.
to ping and your ponties and bumfuck. We would have been the people in the news that you were like, these four dumbasses went to the Alaskan woods and now they're no longer with us. That would have been the story. With a rifle, with a cork that pops out at the end. That would have been that. Fortune Feimster found in bumfuck Alaska. Well, the sad part was pre-comedy. No one would have given a shit. Except my mom.
Four local men found... In their ponties. In their ponties. Mauled in their ponties. They caught lots of salmon, though. Yeah.
But the bear ate that too. So we're all staying indoors. Yeah, that kind of was the end of my adventure. That was as far as I went adventure-wise. Part of my New Year's resolution not to bring it back again. Oh, yeah. Let's not forget about that. Yeah. Well, I'm having second thoughts because it was to go to, I really want to go to like the mountains of Japan. The mountains of Japan? Yeah.
Like rural Japan. It's been so long since I had a trip to somewhere with a really different culture. In England, I went to Europe a lot because it's so close. I always go to Canada to visit my family, but I'm like, I want to go to Japan and I want to go to the rural mountains, but there's a lot of bears there, so now I'm really not sure. Just yell, hey bear. Hey there. Hey bear. What if they don't speak English? Oh, that's true. You should learn hey bear in Japanese. Yeah.
So that's your resolution. That's a good one. Anything else? I want to learn all the capital cities of the world because I know all the countries of the world and I'd like to know their capital cities. Did I tell you to talk to Finn about this? No. Is Finn into capitals? Finn is so obsessed with capitals. No way. He is...
so obsessed with capitals. What a badass. That's my guy. Oh my gosh. He has all of the U.S. memorized and he knows some countries' capitals. If you had a...
And I hope you never do, but a gun to your head or a shark to your face. Could you name all the states? A bear to your gut. Can we name all the capitals? No, absolutely not. I can name all the states in the U.S. Oh, yeah, you could? No problem. You could probably do that. Yeah, you don't have to put any sort of...
wild animal or weapon near me but but it's just more fun that way so can we yeah sure yeah all right well that's some good task may and then you know it's in general like i gotta cook you know i never cook i want to do that and like
I want to have a nop. A nop? A nop. I want to have a nop. In your panties. And that's for your New Year's resolution? You want to have nops? Yeah, I guess. I want to... I feel tired. Yeah, I want to have a... Do you really call them nops? Nops.
No, I don't. No. No. I'm just leaning into my apparent persona that I didn't know that I talked weird. Well, no, you just have a Canadian accent because Canadians also say pasta. I was going to say, I saw me and Fortune kind of stuck on the pasta part. But that's so Canadian because when I was in Toronto, they would always say, it's pasta day. When did I say pasta? Yeah.
You said pasta this whole episode. No, I didn't say... I swear to God, you said pasta. Yes, you did. I could not... See, if you had a shark to my face and you said, when did you say pasta in this episode? I can't remember us ever talking about pasta. You said it twice and I was pretty...
proud of myself and Tig for letting me finish this story I was sitting there looking at Fortune thinking is she going to say something because I want to but I'm just going to let it go and then I couldn't control myself I'm such a turd oh my god
So do you say aunt instead of aunt? I say aunt. But that is in the U.S. people have both. They do do both. I say aunt. I mean, I say aunt, but a lot of people say aunt as well. That's one of those things that I say that I do think other people are saying correctly when they say aunt. Yeah. But pasta is a Canadian thing for sure.
I truly, since you guys said that, I'm still racking my brains for what context I could have said pasta in. And I cannot remember. Well, you should subscribe to Handsome and listen. I'm going to. I'm going to scroll through and I'm going to listen out for. What were you talking about when you said pasta? I don't want to know, actually. Okay. Well, you'll have to go back and listen.
But I clocked it just because when I hear it when I'm in Toronto, it makes me laugh because it's just such a funny sounding way of saying pasta. Really? And what do you say? Herbs or herbs? Herbs. Herbs. Yeah, I say herbs. You say herbs or herbs? I say herbs.
That is stupid. I say herbs. Herbs, okay. Herbs with an H, yeah. Herbs in your pasta. Yeah, I put a lot of herbs in my pasta. I would think you were kidding. If you were at my house saying I need to put herbs in my pasta. So when you talk about Herbie Hancock, you're saying Herbie Hancock? No, that is Herbie. Exactly. Our language is very complicated. Okay.
And the moral is our language is so complex and beautiful. Before we get to our question, we do have to find out what Tig's resolutions are. Thank you, Fortune. I'm going to keep us on track too. Yes. Well, I have bad news. Oh, no. Uh-oh. I don't do resolutions. Oh. Let me tell you what I do. Yeah. After we had Max and Finn, I started using their birthday resolutions.
as a date that was so important to me that I wanted to better myself every year on their birthday that would help me be a healthier parent that would hopefully be in their lives longer. Wow. I'm picturing you bringing this up at their birthday party and really bumming them out. It's like their birthday and you're like, I just want to be here a little longer. Yes, I'm an old parent. Yeah.
I am an old parent. No. And so I'm like, no, I am. Really? Yeah, I'm almost 53. That's wild to me. And you're so young at heart. And you're gorgeous. Yes.
Thank you. But yeah, their birthday to me is more significant than the first of the year. And so I have like my little goals of what I want to get to each year. And when it comes up around their birthday, I start, you know, throwing around ideas of
What am I going to do to because it's that thing of like, this is the phrase that I always repeat all the time of like the best gift you can give anybody is a well lived life of your own. And one of the greatest things you can do is take care of yourself so that nobody has to take care of you.
And because I'm an older parent, I don't want my kids or Stephanie having to put their life aside to sit by my hospital bed if I don't need that. You know, of course things happen. But if I can control it, I want to. And so for their birthday every year, I'm like, I got to change this about myself. I got to better myself with this. I got to make myself more healthy in this way.
That's very beautiful. That's really cool. I like that. And I've been reading some books about like how to talk to kids and be around kids and care for kids. And one of the things they say is to ask the kid, like, how could I be doing better? Like what as a, you know? Yeah. Cause I don't remember being, I don't remember being asked that, but just not in a creepy formal way, but just like, is there anything I do that's annoying or. Yeah. You should ask them. What are your worries? What are your wishes? Exactly. Yeah. That's good. Yeah.
I did buy two jars. I did buy a worry jar and a wish jar. Well, you should do it at your house, though, for real. Yeah. Then you could kind of know. No, that's what I bought them for. I didn't just buy them for me. I just assumed you bought them for pasta. I bought two jars for pasta. I was sitting watching Pokemon with Max the other night, and I was looking at him, and I said...
Max, I love you so much. And he said, I love you too, Mare. And I said, I told you they call me Mare. And I said, do you, do you know that I love you? And he said, yeah. And meanwhile, I'm ruining his favorite TV show talking over. And I said, how do you know that I love you? And he said, uh,
because you've told me a million times. And I said, I know, but aside from that, how do you know I love you? And he said...
because you show me that you love me. And I said, how do I show you? And he said, um, just by taking care of me. And I was like, oh my gosh, somebody help me. Somebody help me. You had a deep family over there. I love it.
We don't know how the world was made. Oh, yeah. How's his hit song coming? It's coming. It's coming. It's going to be dropping soon. I love it. Yeah. I'm still working on this cover of Max's existential anthem. Yeah. Well, I think we should get to our question. Yes.
Our question today, you know Ty Burrell for playing Phil Dunphy on Modern Family. He got two Emmy Awards for Best Supporting Actor. That's good. That's good. And he also did voices in Finding Dory, Penguins of Madagascar, and many more. I'm pumped about this. Let's hear what he has to say. Hey all, it's Ty. I'm curious what your take is on Leftovers. Do you...
Number one, do you hang on to leftovers? Number two, if you do, how long do you hang on to them and still eat them? And at what point do you throw them out or compost them or whatever else one might do with garbage food? What a deep voice, Ty. I know. I wonder if he does a lot of voiceovers. By the way, Modern Family is like...
On every television I go to when I'm traveling all over the country, it is like that show is in syndication everywhere. Oh, my God. So when you get into your hotel room, you turn on your TV and you watch. There's time. It's always it's Law & Order, SVU and Modern Family. That's all that's on TV. Yeah, Friends. Friends.
I'm worried that my answer to this question is not as unbecoming because I am not good at a lot. There's a lot of many things that I should be doing in terms of like being more eco friendly. And I just I finish eating. I don't want to eat it the next day. You're done with it. That's it. Yeah. Yeah.
I'm not judging. Listen, I'm not judging. Tig might be judging. Shame, shame, shame. I love leftovers. Really? Love them. Anyone in particular? All of them. Really? It doesn't matter. You're like, this will be great the next day. I love leftovers. I also love... I'm not a cook, but one of the things I do best is...
anything and everything that's in our house, that there's only a few of those things and this is about to go bad and this is a leftover and I can whoop it into shape.
I like that. I like to think if I was in the woods in a survival situation and I've never hunted in my life nor would I. Hey bear. Hey bear. Hey bear. Hello. I would I like to think if I caught like a grouse or something. I don't even know what kind of animal a grouse is. What? A grouse
Two against one here. It's like guinea fowl or something. Really? Yeah, it's a bird. But I like to think if I got it, I would use... I'd be one of those people that's like...
I will use every part of the beast. I will like, I'll use the bones as a, to make a pair of glasses. Tool. Yeah. I'll make a candle to make a pair of glass. Do you wear glasses? No, but I would, if I was trying to be, if I was lost in the wilderness, I would definitely need glasses.
And so there'd be no lens in there. It would just be bones glasses. Just little bird bones stuck together with twine and I'd wear them in my hollowed out tree. So yeah, I'd like to think I would do that. I'm good at making a chicken soup after I roast a chicken. That's good. That's a good use. So you have bones and ligaments. I'm right in the middle of you two. Yeah.
I really love like a leftover situation when it's like Thai food. I think like Pad Thai is even better the next day because it's like soaked in all the stuff in the pasta. In the noodles. So I don't mind that at all. But there are other times where like,
We'll make something. And I'm like, please don't make me eat this again tomorrow. Send it over to my house if there's no meat or dairy in there. But Jax is pretty good about it. Like she had, she made chicken and potatoes that she ate for like three days. Really? I was like, do I have to also eat this? She's like, yes. I was like, hmm. Sometimes my parents will go, when I go visit, they go,
help yourself to anything in the fridge the fridge is literally bursting at the seams help yourself and then i open it and it's it's like it's all um leftovers but yeah which is great oh i sound like i sound so i definitely don't want other people's leftovers right i'll eat those too really no problem no i don't want anybody else's leftovers no problemo but we should be super grateful for the miracle of
of a refrigerator like that. I mean, in ancient times, miracle. Let's do a moment of silence. Bow your heads. Give thanks. Thank you, Lord. Because in the old days, they used to like ancient Romans and stuff used to, they would have to travel up mountains and get things.
ice and snow from up the mountain yeah and then they would transport it down they'd put it in like underground caves and stuff to save you know to save think about when they wanted daiquiris oh my god oh my god imagine the waiter and the rest being like please don't order the daiquiri please i want another one no ice blended drinks today can we do them straight up
Yeah, I don't... There are some leftovers that I really look forward to where I'm like, oh, I'm saving...
I really love this chicken sandwich at this place called The Counter in L.A. And I always get it and I cut half of it and I eat the half and I get so excited because I save the other half for the next day. And the next day I'm like, oh my God, I have that part of that sandwich left. You're waking up bounding out of bed. Yeah, so pumped. So like, yes, I get... But then other times, Jack's made like a...
kimchi fried rice last night and I was like, I can't do this again. Please. So she's a full-blown cook. We're both trying to get better at it. We're like Mae. We gotta work at...
things at home more. One really good leftover thing is birthday cake. If there's some cake leftover from a party, I like that. What if cake is leftover and there was no party? That's okay. You know what I discovered? I wish I didn't know that this was okay. You can freeze cake when it's fresh and it...
This is like the real fatty fat fat in me. You can freeze anything. True. When it's fresh. But sometimes it's not great later. But I've frozen cake and like a month later unfrozen it and it's so good still. And when you're taking it out of the freezer, are you like, happy birthday? Every time you're defrosting it. It feels like my birthday.
Yeah, I wish I didn't know that, but you can freeze cake. I didn't know that. And do you defrost it by microwaving it or just putting it out? Yeah, you do have to. It's kind of warm cake. Well, if you plan ahead, you can just sit it out on the counter. Yeah, that too. But you might need a little bit of the microwave in it. And, you know, people have different feelings about microwaves. The boy.
the point is you probably shouldn't freeze cake. Do you really need cake a month from now?
Probably not. But this is where my health journey starts now and it hasn't started before now. I wonder what the oldest leftovers are, like if there's any historical leftover from the Last Supper. If someone's like, we have the grape from the Last Supper. Probably somewhere. Yeah, some church will be saying that, right? Like, oh, this is Napoleon's grave.
one thing we did pick up a nice lesson from our uh living in toronto for five months is that i did find that the trash bins in toronto were tiny they're so small in comparison to the trash bins in the state
And their compost bin, they have a large compost bin and a very large recycling bin, which is bigger than the trash bin. Because they're encouraging people to recycle more, to compost so that you have less trash, which we don't do that here. So Jack's just bought a little compost thing so that we can start getting back in the habit of,
how we did in Toronto of composting the food. Are you going to start a worm farm? No, but I met a guy that has a worm farm in Australia and it was fascinating. Worms are fascinating. Millions. He has like millions of worms.
And they're actually pretty, they're worth a lot. What? These worms. Yeah, well, at least in Australia, he can sell them for a lot. I don't know. Are they worth a lot or are they worm a lot? Oh, boy. But I had to interrupt to do that. Well, he lost a bunch of the worms because they had a big rain storm.
mudslide thing and all the worms. They all slid away? They all slid away. They were like, ah! And he said he had like a, I don't know, freight thing full of worms that he had built over time. So he had to start from...
from scratch get it i feel like if you wrote this character if you wrote the worm guy and as a character in a script people would be like this is too like too ridiculous no he lives out in the he was my tour my tour person in australia very cool all my worms slid away my whims i lost my whims down they were worth a lot those worms
That's a good accent. Yeah. Hey, this is a big advertisement for voiceover work. Yes, please. Ty, can you hook us up? Ty. Please, Ty. He lived out in the middle of nowhere, Australia, which, you know, talk about wilderness. They have a lot of stuff. And he sent a picture of, is it the Huntsman spider? Is that? Yep.
It was big as your hand. Like that big. For those of you listening, my hands are very far apart. Are they poisonous? No, he wasn't even sweating it. He goes, yeah, it just stays there in our doorway. I go, ah!
Australia is wild, though, because like you're walking around Sydney or whatever and it feels like a familiar culture to you. But then there's these huge like fruit bats everywhere and there's possums and like the wildlife is so tropical. It's crazy. So Tega, this last Thanksgiving, you were pretty pumped about those leftovers, too? Yeah.
Well, yeah, but we had the most hilarious Thanksgiving. It was so quick. We normally sit at the table forever. Yeah. But this was just the four of us this time. And we made the food, set the table, ate the food, finished, cleared the table. And I mentioned to Stephanie, I said that...
We, that was so fast. We were laughing so hard. There was no like, because there were no other adults there. It was just us with Max and Finn. And we were going around the table saying what we were thankful for. And that was kind of the only thing.
little extra beat that was there otherwise we all just ate our food cleared the table did the dishes and then played chess or yeah 14 minutes in and out i think so cook for like four hours but i do if i open a fridge and there's and i see leftovers i'm like oh yeah this is my thing this is my thing i love grazing on leftovers that's great i
I just want to circle back really quickly that you said playing chess. Are you implying that Max and Finn play chess? Cause Lord help me. Oh my God. They, they, these,
They're so cute. Thomas is at my house right now. And what did they just ask you? If you would play... They were wanting to play chess. That was like their first question. They're like, Thomas, you look like a guy that plays chess. Well, Thomas used to teach chess to kids. You did? What? Yeah. I did, yeah. And he's never... You've never played them. No, I would love to play them. Thomas is a mystery. There are a lot of things about him we don't know that we're going to...
learn as we go through this handsome journey together. We're gonna learn them in tiny little droplets. In like 10 second clips. May? I have played chess. I'm not good though, but I do enjoy it. Yeah, I play poker. I love poker. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't know how to play chess. I don't know how to play poker. Tsk, tsk.
I played chess as a kid. I don't know how to play poker, but I'm interested. I like the social aspect of people that get together and play poker. Those poker games last for like six hours, don't they? That might be a bit much. Yeah, I play with my family and it gets really brutal. It's like going to play golf. You've got to really commit some time to this. I know, and after you've made the poker, I barely knew her. After you made that joke. Definitely have to make that joke.
then you got nothing left to give and you still got five hours to go yeah what if your day was you're gonna golf and then play poker at night it's like jeez that's a long day of accomplishing honestly nothing absolutely nothing should we listen to ty's answer let's do it so my answer is that i hang on to leftovers for far too long my um
My family is truly disturbed by what I'm willing to eat. There's nothing really altruistic in it, for me anyway. I think I just have some sort of like a waste OCD maybe. Same. But I've learned retroactively that I guess it's good for the environment, but that sadly is not my motivation. I think my motivation is that I'm just, I'm broken. Not broken. You just like to eat, to
I think it's a nice impulse but it does strike me as a very dad energy to be like no it's still good those dinosaur chicken fingers aren't gonna just go to waste now are they I used to work at a grocery store and I really I think at that point is when I really learned about the sell by and use by dates and like when there's mold on certain things it's just really where the mold is that's what
is rotten. Really? The rest of it's not? Yeah. Like when there's mold on cheese, you just cut the mold off. The rest is completely fine. Oh. But maybe that's where it started for me. Yeah. Where I'm all about the leftovers and utilizing everything. And if people are like, well, all we have is this thing and that thing and then some of this. I'm like, get out of my way. Yeah. You're very resourceful. I will say this, though.
With leftovers, what does freak me out is occasionally you'll hear one of these crazy stories
about someone left food out like on a counter for like eight hours or overnight or something and there's like a bacteria that can grow on it and they've got some kind of then i don't care i know but i'll eat it too no but it can like it can like eat like a eat your flesh eating bacteria yeah so you do have to make sure you store them properly if you're gonna eat them also if you don't store them properly hey bear
Yeah, it goes. Yeah, it goes. Yeah, babe. And what is the deal with like, I mean, obviously I don't eat dairy, but people that order pizza, they'll just put that on the counter and not refrigerate it. Have you seen that? Oh, that's sad. That's crazy. One time I had a party at my friend's grandma's house. Of course you did. At your friend's grandma's house?
Grandma's problem area. At grandma's problem area, we were 14 and the grandma, I don't know where she was. She was out of town, but we partied at her house and we were drinking and getting stoned and then we left and we forgot to clean up like the pizza boxes. And when this grandma came back to her house, this grandma found maggots. Oh,
All over. Actually, let's not talk about it. It's so gross. Mold and maggots fill me with horror. Like there's like a primal horror. Yeah. If it sits for a couple days, that will happen. But I don't know. Any pizza box, we definitely put in the fridge.
to Betsy. Oh, no, Grandma. Grandma. Where are these maggots from? I don't remember. You forgot. No, I didn't order pizza with maggots. Wait, what did you call me? Oh, maggot. Did I hear maggots? Because I lost my worms. Give them to me. I'll put them in my worm farm. Did I slip my mind that I ordered maggot pizza?
Grandma, if you call me a maggot one more time, I swear to God. I'm sorry, dear heart. Dear heart. My grandma never talked like that. No, mine neither. And mine didn't either. At all. You know, Mae's grandma didn't talk like that because she was like smoking a cig and getting people work and the biz. Oh, dear heart, do you want to be in a movie? Yeah.
Oh, you've got what it takes. I would say in this podcast, I've probably learned more like tips than I have in most of our podcasts. Tips and... Tick tips. Mayfax tick tips. That's right.
Tick tips. Tick tips. We all got so excited about that. Tick tips or... Would you like tick tips or tidge tips? Well, one of my... Not one of my... My very first story I ever told in stand-up was called pig tit. It was called pig tit? Yes, because years ago...
I had to call this guy that I didn't know. He managed a band. My friend was in a band this guy managed. And my friend was like, yeah, call our manager to get on the guest list for the show. So I called the guy and I'm like, hey, my name's Tig, blah, blah, blah, getting in the show. My friend, and he goes, all right, well, I don't feel real comfortable calling you this, but I guess I'll see you tonight, pig. And...
And I said, well, I don't feel real comfortable with you calling me Tig either. I said, my name is actually Tig. And he said, Tit?
No, no. He said, yeah, that's what I said. Pig. And I said, no, it's Tig with a T. And he said, tit? And then I, and that's where I go, yeah, it's pig tit. I'll see you tonight. That was my, that was my first, it's not a joke. It's actually, that really happened. That's a good one. That's a good one. Pig tit. Pig tit. Yeah.
You're like, yeah, I'll see you tonight. Yeah, you know, never mind. Here's pig tit. Well, listen, thank you for listening. Thanks for the question, Ty. We've got merch at handsomepod.com. We also want to get feedback from you guys. What merch would you like to see? What phrases are fun for you? What would you like to see on a shirt or a hat or whatever? I have to confess something. I've never gone to handsomepod.com.
I'm there all the, I'm there all the time. Yeah. No, just hanging out. Stop it. Listen, big tit, it's the place to go.
I just went and looked at it. It looks nice. Yeah. It's great. Yeah. And yeah, if you like the show, like and subscribe and tell your pals. Do you have anything coming up, Fortune? You know what, Mae? I sure do. I am going to be in Eugene, Oregon on Friday. And then coming up after that, Burlington, Vermont, D.C., Red Bank, New Jersey, going out to the U.K., to London, going to Amsterdam. Then I got Denver, Colorado, and Philly, Florida.
People can go to fortunefuture.com for tickets. So many great cities. Yeah. If anyone cares, I'm going to be in College Park, Maryland on January 26th.
And then just across the board, look for me in Los Angeles at Largo or Dynasty Typewriter. I am going to be zigzagging between those two places a ton these next few months, working out brand new material. I love that. I'm at Largo January 16th with some very special guests. So come check that out. Sweet. And as always, keep it handsome. Terrible.
Terrible. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast!
