Stephanie Allynne asks about secret disguises
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Welcome to the Handsome Pod. This is Tig Notaro and my co-hosts... Fortune Feimster. And Mae Martin. Yeah, we're coming right at you. I mean, a little delayed because we found out Mae was having a Canada Day... Well, you had a Canada Day party last night and that put your Wi-Fi out until exactly 10.30. Yeah.

Okay. Well, I'm running late. My wife is out. I'll be ready. It'll be ready and back up at 1030. I mean, it takes an hour. Like May's probably smooching someone or some fun.

Right now I'm like weighing up whether to double down on the tech thing or whether to just say, yeah, I had a Canada Day party. Well, look, we already had a feeling the Wi-Fi might not have been down until 1030. The house is in disarray, you know. Are there people passed out currently in your home?

No, I like that image, though. It's people draped over all my furniture. Did you leave a bedroom full of people and say, I'll be right back? I'll be right back in 90 minutes. We pictured you kissing everyone like, I'll be back. I'll see you. Thank you for coming. What was your name?

And fortune suggested that possibly the internet technician was in the room too. Yeah, Bruce, the technician. Yeah, he came around early in the morning and then didn't leave. So tell us. Yeah, tell us what happened at your Canada Day party. Don't spare any details. But also, is Canada Day...

This is one of those things where, as a kid, I struggled with, how is it that Christmas and Hanukkah fall around the same time? Oh, and so you're thinking about July 4th. It's very convenient, yeah. Fourth of July and Canada Day. Yeah, it is weird. And it's one of those ones where you... I think if I was in Canada, I probably wouldn't celebrate it because I think you're probably just celebrating, like, genocide or something. Well, and you probably wouldn't want to celebrate it, too, because...

If we know anything about Canada Day, it knocks out your Wi-Fi. It's really dangerous when it does to your Wi-Fi. But when you're in the States, you're like, we got to, oh, we're not in Canada. Yeah. And I think, so I got all the Canadians I know together and we listened to like the most nostalgic playlist. And there's songs that are, I assumed were huge all over the world and just people have not,

heard of here like oh love song by sky they're a french canadian uh pop duo don't know them oh man i know every word of that song and yeah we did some arts and crafts okay this is how that song goes okay and also my voice is kind of deep and raspy from being hung over well you're handsome thank you so much that's that's what causes a deep voice that's true yeah yeah

Okay, this is Love Song by Scott. Your brothers, they all think I'm crazy. I think it's nothing at all. Today I'm feeling kind of lazy. So I'll be sleeping it off once again. Once again.

Once again. It's kind of like a love song. Hey. Crazy old fashioned. I think they learned to say the words phonetically because they didn't really speak English. Yeah. They were French, Canadian. And in interviews, they're like, we are Sky. Like they can't, they don't speak English. And then the song. Yeah, we are Sky. Parlez-vous français?

Happy Canada Day. I have never heard that song, but it sounds like a jam. Isn't that a good first line? Your brothers, they all think I'm crazy. Yeah, and why do you care about your brother's opinion? You don't look impressed. You're like, no.

Well, I was imagining, I don't know, I was trying to think what's the origin of this. Yeah, your brothers all think I'm crazy. Yeah. We're all on a farm. There's a lot of brothers around. I was picturing a hoedown. Yeah. On a farm, yeah. In a French Canadian farm. And maybe he's dating like a family friend, so like the whole family knows each other. Yeah, and they're like... Oh, so it's a man singing? It's a man singing, yeah. Yeah.

it's two men in this pop duo and he's got a little goatee and the other one completely bald and hairless. Hmm.

Okay. Yeah. Did you listen to like Sarah McLachlan? Katie Lang. We did all that. Yeah. Alanis. Rufus. Tegan and Sarah. Rufus. Yeah. You're doing Rufus's birthday party, right? Is Rufus Wayne right? I am. He's having a 50th birthday party in Montauk, New York. In my mind, you're going to do a beautiful piano ballad. Well, yes, of course.

I think I'm the only comedian. It's, you know, Laurie Anderson. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of musicians, a lot of his family members, and then Laurie Anderson. It's hard to follow a musician sometimes. Good luck.

I imagine I would go on first. Yeah, I would hope. Yeah. Tell us about the party though. Yeah. When did it start? When did it end? It started at seven. I was really anxious. I thought not enough people were going to come.

And then it really got going. And then my neighbor texted me and said, I'm sorry to bother you, but I... And she said, I really need to sleep with like 7-11. 7-11? 7 L's? Oh, that's a lot of needing to sleep. Yeah, I really need to sleep. Really?

So wait, are you in an apartment? You're in a house, right? It looks like a house, but would you believe there's someone below me? I would believe it. So it's a house divided, I guess, into... But I'm on the ground floor, it appears. But then actually, why am I speaking like a riddle? Well, because it's on a hill, right? So you're the top part and then there's an apartment underneath you. It's not that complicated. Would you believe it appears? Would you believe this?

It appears I'm on the ground. So you were being pretty loud with your Katie Lang songs. Yeah. And then I said, okay, sorry, I'll try and wrap it up. So I wrapped it up pretty early, actually. How early? What is earlier? Some people stayed. A small group stayed. But all the cute ones? You can stay and you can stay.

You get a rose. You get a rose. I need everyone else to get the F out. Get the F out. But what time did it wrap up, truly? Ten minutes ago. No, it wasn't that crazy. I was probably asleep by three. That's the best.

I have to say, Stephanie and I put Max and Finn to bed and they're asleep by 8.30 and then we go do our nightly routine and go to bed. Really? Yes. So 3 a.m. Oh, were you awake for the earthquake?

oh that woke jackson up i didn't feel an earthquake it was a giant it couldn't compete with your party that's right yeah it was your neighbor as they all think i'm crazy it was a 4.2 magnitude out in malibu yeah whoa and it like fortune if you could please refer to it as the boo the boo okay yeah there was an earthquake in the

boo. Okay. And it was one of those, you know, sometimes they're like rolling where it's like it lasts for a couple seconds and then sometimes there's the jolt. This was the kush jolt. Were you asleep, Fortune? Yeah. We were both asleep and it

We both were like, whoa. See, Stephanie is the only person in our house that feels any earthquake. And she said it's the most isolating time because she'll be asleep and then the earthquake will hit. And then she'll be just, you know, wide awake. Oh, God. Oh, God. And then she looks over and I'm like,

And then checks on Max and Finn. They're all asleep. But she and the three cats are in a panic. Oh, my God. In a panic. I'm glad she has the cats. Yeah. You never know if there's going to be... Sometimes there's a follow-up. Right.

Right. That's always like, can I go back to sleep or am I going to get jolted again? And that's the only time Twitter is pleasant when you can go on there for everyone to be like, earthquake? Question mark? You know. Did you go on Twitter? Yeah, because I'm always like, did I feel what I think I felt? And then there's a bunch of people going, earthquake. Yeah, that's a very...

Yeah, therapy thing. Trust your feelings. That's right, guys. So, Mae, you had so much jolting going on at your place, it was hard to even know that that was an earthquake. Yeah, I didn't feel it. Yeah. Oh, one cool thing happened. Oh.

So I had got marshmallows sort of as a Canadian, like I thought we could roast them over my gas stove. And so we had all these marshmallows. This is so Canadian of you. I mean, you're known as being, you know, nice people and the fact that you're having a full on throw down and then you're like, I'm going to go get marshmallows for the party. Yeah. Wholesome, wholesome fun. But like for a s'mores situation.

Yeah. Or just marshmallows. Well, I couldn't find the graham crackers. I ended up just with marshmallows. So they're all on sticks. It's just a burnt marshmallow for everybody. Wait, no, that's... What is it, Canada Day? If you're Canadian, that's more than enough. We don't ask for much. Well, us fatty Americans are like, we need a bunch of more stuff on that. You're like, get it? We need s'more stuff. Fortune. Fortune.

You are on fire. Continue. How could we possibly continue? I know. That was too good. I liked it. So you got the marshmallows on a stick over the gas stove. Yeah. And then I had bought also arts and crafts supplies and I bought Play-Doh. Wow. And there was one of these marshmallows was...

And it looks like it had been rolled in like hot Cheeto dust or something. It was really, I was like, why is one of the marshmallows bright red? Yeah. Good question. Prankster had just made a Play-Doh marshmallow and put it in with the other ones. And I almost roasted it. And then I started finding other little pranks around my house. Like someone had taken newspaper and wrapped up. I want to say leave in conditioner that was not from my house. Wait a minute. Was George Clooney at your party? Yeah.

Notorious prankster, George Clooney. Is he Canadian? Because I think Mr. Clooney...

This sounds like an anecdote from Jimmy Fallon. Yeah. Isn't that weird? And it was hidden underneath my TV. Oh, that's weird. And it was like wrapped in newspaper and it was leave-in conditioner and also an empty bottle of cologne. Oh, you had a psychopath at your party. I had a true psychopath. That's wild. I know. And they were making Play-Doh marshmallows and...

I mean, I'm assuming that was the same person. Same energy. What would you do if you looked at your security camera and found that it was you? You did it. I had done that and had no memory of it. Yeah. You're the psychopath. I love that. I'm the psychopath. That'd be a true Canada day.

I would absolutely not be that shocked. No, that was wild. I love that idea. Did you know that my birthday is also on Canada Day? Oh my God, it was your birthday yesterday? Yeah, I've been celebrating it alongside Canada for as long as I've been alive. Happy birthday. What'd you do? It was pretty low-key.

I flew back from Tulsa. I had a show. Fun. So half my day was spent on airplanes. Did you treat yourself to a private jet from Tulsa because it was your birthday? No, I didn't. I've never ridden in the private jet. And Jax and I got brunch. And then we stopped by my friend...

my friend Allison's house for a drink later. And then we went to dinner to this like tasting course, crazy, like too many courses. Just you and Jax or Allison as well. Just me and Jax. The three of you. Allison, you want to go on a triple date? No,

-It was very low key. Some birthdays you want to like-- -Yes. -Others you're just chilling. I was just chilling. -Yes. -Yes. -That's nice. -That's nice. -I didn't want to steal Canada's thunder. -Do you keep track of who reaches out to you and who doesn't? Am I on a bad list now? -No. -Am I on a good list?

Yes. I reached out. I reached out. That's true. Listen, I don't hold anyone against that because I'm really bad at remembering those kind of things. Yeah, me too. I do not sweat it. Yeah, all right. Yeah, okay, good. Yeah, all right. Yeah, meanwhile, if you moved the camera slightly to the right, there'd be a dartboard of my face. There's a whole board of... Yes, it does. Yes.

The naughty and nice list. I'm going to email Jax and see if you were irate about May. You mean this board?

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And did you get any presents? I'm not a big presents person because my mom, for lack of a better way to describe it, loves stuff. A lot of stuff. And that was my case my whole life. So I'm sort of anti-stuff as a result. So people are always like, I don't know what to get you. I'm like, you don't need to give me anything. I'm fine. But if they insist, I'm like, I don't know, like a... Trash bag? Trash bag.

Like a gift card to a coffee shop. I love coffee. Okay. Like that. Or like a bot, like bourbon. You know, I'm like. Yeah. Noted. Or I just prefer experiences. I tell my friends, like, just take me to dinner or something sometime. Like, I would rather just like us hang out. May, looks like we're going to have to take fortune to dinner sometime. See, I would love that. I would love that too, actually. I could organize an escape room for us.

Does that appeal to anyone? Like a sort of horror escape room? Um, no. I can't imagine you in a horror escape room. You can't imagine it? No. Well, I can and I love imagining it. I just see you doing bits the whole time. Picking up all the clues. Or just stopping and being like, just let me out. Just let me out.

Yeah. You're like, I give up. I gave up before I came in. Yeah, I'm definitely an experiences person. I would like to just have quality time. All right, we'll get you a bottle of bourbon and take you to dinner. Come on now. That sounds perfect. Speaking of experiences, should we have the experience of listening to our question for the day? Yeah. Yes. May and I have not heard this question. Have you? No.

I haven't heard the audio, but I do know the theme of it because it comes from my wife, Stephanie Allen. Stephanie Allen. Well, we just did.

Thanks for including that. Stephanie and May have been doing a lot of shows together. We've been doing a lot of improv, me and Stephanie. Yeah, our family is very entangled with you, May, somehow. Well, yeah, because you think your son looks a lot like me. Well, one of them looks a bit like you, and then you do improv with my wife, and then we do this podcast. So we just got to get you and Max together.

somehow connected yeah i know i need to get into like the dodgers or something so i have something to talk to well no finn is more the dodgers who you look like and then max is you know pokemon and uh i can do martial arts and stuff like that i happen to know quite a bit about pokemon oh well then you're in we're all set which one which one is good with stats finn that's

that's finn the dodgers yeah finn gets up at 5 a.m gets on stephanie's phone checks all the stats for everything and then that was hilarious goes out and shoots hoops plays hockey street hockey in the uh driveway it was the nfl i happen to know it was the nfl draft yesterday see i wouldn't know finn was probably on top of it yeah check in with finn about it yeah it's not running the whole thing yeah all

All right, well, let's see what my lovely wife Stephanie has to ask us. All right. And aside from being my lovely wife, you also might know her from The L Word or In a World, which is the movie that we met on.

And she's also a very talented writer, director. Heck yeah. And improv. Genius. And improvisation. Yes. Improv. How do I say it? Improvisational genius, I would say. And improvisational genius. With a very distinct style of improv. Yeah.

A dry wet. I met Stephanie years ago when we both did the Groundlings. And I knew Tig and Stephanie at the same time, but they weren't together yet. You didn't know we were headed towards each other in life. I did not. That's crazy. And I was very excited once you did. Me too. So here we are. And here's the question.

Hi, Handsome Podcast. This is your handsome friend slash wife, Stephanie Allen. And my question for you all is, if you were running from the law and you had to hide out somewhere in the world, where would you go and how would you do it? And what would be your disguise? Ooh. Thanks, sister wife.

That's really good. Yeah, I'm always so interested in this because whenever... Well, first of all, in a comedic way, what always amuses me when there's like a criminal and then they'll show pictures of them from before and they're like...

look, they're changing their look, you know? And then they show you they had long hair. And then five years later, they had a mustache. And then the next year, they have a perm. And I used to fall for that when I was watching the news. And then I realized...

Everyone looks differently as time moves on. You're not always disguising yourself just because your hair is dyed or you got a perm or you grew a mustache, you know? That would be a really funny assumption to make every time your friend comes over and has a new haircut. What are you running from? Yeah, what did you do? But when I hear about people that are actually in trouble and that are changing their look and running from the law,

Living on the lam, as they say. I always think, what a fun opportunity to just really change your look. And start fresh. I don't know if you saw that documentary, The Jinx. And he goes on the lam and he hides Robert Durst. And he went in disguise as a mute woman. It was so unnecessarily drastic, that change. He could have just dyed his hair and been like a...

But he went in full drag and he was writing down, I'm mute. And he rented an apartment. He accidentally writes, I'm a murderer. I mean, I'm mute. I'm mute. I'm mute. Isn't he the one that got caught on camera saying like,

I did it. Yeah. Was that him? Yeah. They got the recording of him saying, I killed them all, of course. So it's like, why go to the trouble of going in drag as a mute woman if you're just going to confess to the drug? They see that and they're like, she's not mute. And she's not a she. Yeah. I killed them all, of course. I killed them all, of course. How is that the end of your story of like,

doing that running from the law being a mute woman and then saying it even though you thought you were saying it by your to yourself

I know. Why are you talking out loud? It killed them all, of course. I know. If anyone hasn't seen that documentary, he leaves his microphone on. He doesn't know he's mic'd and he goes to the bathroom. Well, don't give it away. Oh, yeah. I know. Huge spoiler. It's been out for a while. He killed them all, of course. Of killers? He also left shampoo in May's apartment last night. Okay.

Oh, yeah, he left in my apartment. Wait, you were partying with his corpse? Oh, is he dead? Yeah, he died. God dang it. No, but his ghost still comes to Canada Day parties and leaves leave-in conditioner and Play-Doh marshmallows around just to fuck with people. That's right.

Classic him, man. Yeah. Classic him. Classic him. But how would either of you disguise yourselves? And where would you go? Like, where would we go? Have you thought about it, Tate? Well...

Stephanie and I were on a walk the other day and this conversation came up because there is this really small area between a fence and a garage in our neighborhood where you would have to turn sideways and hold your breath and shimmy down this area to get back there. And I was telling Stephanie, I said, oh, if you're ever trying to hide somewhere,

Just head on down in this area. And then she was like, but yeah, but somebody could walk by and just look down and see you. And I said, yeah, but here's what you got to do. You take some cardboard and you shimmy down there with the cardboard sideways, just as your body is. And then you turn the cardboard, you know, you turn the cardboard to block anyone looking down. So it marks you in. Yeah, it marks you in. And then you just live in that little nook. Well, you got to bring a lot of snacks. Yeah.

You got to bring a little bucket to sit on when you-- -Yes, that's if you're like, I feel like in the middle of a chase. That's the kind of hideout for that. If you're going to go long term, you're going to have to find a place to-- -You're going to have to bring out a lot of snacks.

Oh, yeah. I have a recurring nightmare that is, it's my only, at the moment, current recurring nightmare. And it's that there's a kind of government sanctioned Hunger Games scenario where there's like an island in Northern Ontario, where we know... Canada. Yeah, Canada. We know that the government has said,

we're going to release the Texas Chainsaw Massacre killer onto the island, but you have like a five-hour head start and you can hide anywhere. And if he finds you, he kills you and the government sanctions this. And so everyone's like trying to find the best hiding spot. And I always know in the dream that the best place to hide is like the most obvious or something. It's like literally standing behind the door. And so maybe I would just stay...

Wait, you're saying that's a fact that that is the best place to hide? No, that's just what my subconscious thinks. Oh, I was like, that's so interesting. This clearly means something, right? Yeah. Well, I feel like it's probably inspired by all the those things you do, the escape rooms, right? Maybe. May, what are you trying to escape?

What am I hiding from? Yeah. Yeah. What are you hiding from? Also, I always want to go into the water right up to my eyes like it's because it's an island in a lake. So I'm always saying to the government organizers, well, can I go in the water like right up to my eyeballs? And then then they're like, no, that's off limits.

Wow, I don't remember a single dream of mine ever. And yours seem very specific. It happened. It's just only because it's recurring. Yeah, I think I would try to get to Northern Ontario. If I was on the run, I would probably my friend has a cottage and it has no cell service. And it's like, really rough. And it's up in the woods. And she named it. I don't know why. But she named the cottage Nanny Garbage.

So it sort of has the vibe of an old woman and it's a pile of garbage. So it's called Nanny Garbage. Nanny Garbage. So I'd go to Nanny Garbage and I'd hide out. Wow. All right. It'd be really hard to like go into town and buy supplies and stuff. I guess that's where the disguise part of the question. Would you change your look? Yeah. Would you grow your hair out or something like that? It's kind of an iconic look. I don't know.

I don't know if I could. Yeah, we were on the run, so you can no longer be doing stand-up and being an icon. I might shave it off, actually. Rather than grow it long, I'd shave it off and I'd go Jason Statham. Who is Jason Statham? Oh, I forgot, Tig, that you don't know any actors. Oh, wow.

he's like a action hero oh okay i know how much you love action i'm an action star yeah i know we saw that picture of you with a cigar in your mouth don't ever forget it it broke the internet now is jason statham is that an actor or a character it's an actor he's an actor yeah who looks kind of like you know the way bruce willis had like a shaved head and die hard so he's got like a bald shaved head and he's he's

British and he talks a bit like Brett Goldstein in it he's like yeah okay so you'd shit I'm gonna kill you yeah yeah and then he does make no mistake

You're dead. Yeah. He's like the silent but deadly type. Yeah. So you'd shave your head and then run up to Northern Ontario and stay at Nanny Garbage? I'd go to Nanny Garbage. Northern Ontario is beautiful, right? A lot of lakes and stuff. Stunning, yeah. And I'd probably start working out like crazy and like sort of jailhouse workout style on my own. Oh.

Just like push-ups. Get some muscles. Yeah, shave my head. I'd get really into it. Cartwheels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd probably do a ton of cartwheels. Yeah, cartwheels and somersaults every day. Oh, my God. May, you brutus.

Marshmallows roasting. Just eating marshmallows and doing cartwheels all through Northern Ontario. No one's going to find you. Yeah, I'd hunt squirrels. I'm like, where can I go that has good food? Yeah, so where would you go? Well, you just did an amazing British accent, Fortune, so you could maybe go to England and be like, I'm going to kill you.

I'm going to kill you. Well, then you're going to get in trouble right away because they're going to call cops and be like, Fortune Feimster is using a weird accent and threatening to kill everyone. Well, I was thinking I would go to Thailand. Ooh, that sounds fun. I love Thailand. It's one of my favorite countries I've ever been to.

I could eat Pad Thai every day. I think. Yeah, me too. And the good thing is, so fortunate, is you would not stick out at all in Thailand ordering Pad Thai.

They're like, oh my god, the American is back ordering fat. Fortune Feimster's back ordering fat. Hi again. They're like, they won't recognize me because of this wig. I'm taller and bigger than everyone. The disguise would be difficult for me. I have a very distinct look.

And I went to Disneyland a couple months ago and everyone was like saying hi to me the whole day. And my friend was like, would you put on a hat? I go, it won't make a difference. And I put on a hat. It did not make a difference. I just have a very specific look. If you're listening now and you don't know what fortune looks like, spend a moment Googling and then put a hat on her. Put a hat on her.

a hat on me yeah put a hat on her in your in your imagination and see if if she blends in to the thai population i've had hats sunglasses masks we were like what's up fortune i'm like what i know same i always feel like i'm the most generic looking lesbian alive and i'll have again sunglasses mask maybe even a hat on and people are like oh my god

Tig, hi. I'm like, what is happening? What is happening? I'm not even in Thailand. We'd have a hard time blending in. Yeah. Especially in Thailand. I love the idea of you placing your order at the Thai restaurant and when you call, they're just like, hey, hey, Fortune, what can we get you? And I'm like, you guys will never turn me in, right? Yeah.

Right? Right. I would become friends with everyone and they would protect me. You guys like me, right? Yes, we're good, right? We're good, right? And I've been to the jungles in Thailand where it's like...

very remote and that I've helped for the day take care of elephants just for one afternoon. And I'm sorry, jungles? More than one jungle you've been to? There's multiple jungles. And you've been to more than one jungle. Been to two.

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-You help take care of elephants by petting them or giving them peanuts or what were you doing? -You wash them, feed them. In Thailand, some people have-- There's an elephant in the family. The grandfather or something owns an elephant. -Of course. -He dies, he leaves it to his family and they're like, "What do we do with this elephant?" -I guess we got to call fortune.

What are we going to do? So there's this elephant reserve in Thailand who helps teach locals how to care for their elephant. Whoa. In a way that's like they're safe and protected. They're being well taken care of. They're also expensive to take care of. So they have a thing where a group, a small group of people can go into that village or that jungle and pay to help for the day. Like,

take care of the elephant, walk with the elephant, wash them, feed them. And it helps them. The money goes towards that family caring for their elephant. You know, they're trying to get people not to ride elephants. They're just trying to like get people to care for their elephants better. And they're providing a way for them to be able to financially do that as well. I love the image of you. You're on the run, but you keep doing like

sort of really public touristy activities. I'm a humanitarian. Yeah, you're washing this elephant and you're just whispering in the elephant's ear, we're good, right? We're good, right? We're good, right? You're not going to rat on me, right? You're like, I don't know what Fortune did that was against the law, but she's really kind with these elephants. Yeah, she's really a gentle elephant washer. Yeah.

Yeah. So that would be my plan until clearly I'm going to get discovered pretty soon. So I don't think I would be in Thailand very long. You'd have a hat on and you would be scrubbing elephants. Eating pad thai. Where did fortune go?

But you'd get caught because I think you'd reach out to Jax. Like you couldn't. I think you guys both would reach out to your. And that's where you go wrong. As soon as her phone was tapped. Yeah. Yeah. Because you got to cut off all contact. By us. We are tapping it because we still need audio from you to keep doing the podcast. That's true. Yeah. We're tapping Jax's phone and we're just editing those conversations. Elephant.

Hi. Yeah. And Thailand, you know, got beaches as well. So I could really enjoy myself there when I'm not taking care of elves. I feel like you're just thinking about your perfect holiday and you're not thinking much about the actual hiding from the law department. The danger that I'm in. What are you going to wear when you're hanging out on the beach? My...

lesbian swimsuit what is that triple XL t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and a pair of sweatpants I love that soaked like a rat

I don't know. It's pretty great. I'm either going to go there for vacation or in hiding. We'll find out how my life unfolds. Okay. And Tig, what's your plan? Yeah, Tig, did you decide something besides behind the garage? Behind a cardboard box behind the garage? Yeah.

Your pup is so tired. He's handsome, y'all. Very handsome. He got jealous about me talking about elephants. I just had a vision of if you're sleeping with someone and their dirty talk was, your pup is so tired. That is my usual dirty talk. Leave it to me.

uh, May's internet went out because, because my pup was so tired. All the dirty talk May was doing. It blew the internet. Uh,

Yeah, I guess, you know, if I had to run and hide from somebody in my neighborhood, I'd shimmy down that little area between the... It was so fun to find that little area too because we walked past it all the time when we go to get coffee. And I had never seen it for seven years. And then I glanced and saw this little area and I just thought...

Well, that's a fun little place to... That's fun. And I thought I'd point it out to Stephanie in case she needed to hide in the neighborhood. But I think if I were to be hiding, I would grow my hair long. Yeah. I would get a permanent wave. Okay. I would wear pigtails.

Oh, my God. I've never needed to see something so badly. I really want to see you in pigtails, too. Okay, pigtails. I would dye my hair. What would I dye my hair? Probably a natural blonde, you know? Yeah. And then I would also just gorge. And I would try and...

triple or quadruple in size wow yeah wow and would you just stay in la i'd just stay home yeah so you'd be answering you're that confident and yeah i wouldn't even leave the house i'd just be like uh no uh hiding under the bed in that disguise they're like this can't be tig this person's

Fatty fat fat. Hey, don't talk about me like that. You said you were going to pack on the pounds. Yeah, but you don't have to call me fatty fat fat. I'm sensitive.

Let's see. I would go to... I'd probably go out in the desert or something. Like Joshua Tree? It's kind of exposed. Like I'm picturing you just standing in an empty desert and you can see you for miles. Yeah, but I'd be behind a cactus or something. Okay, yeah, yeah. You would have a house there. Yeah, I'd buy a house. In someone else's name. In my name. In a trust. Yeah.

I'm no fool. Maybe I shouldn't go to the desert. I'd be in the city. More people. Yeah. But I'd have to be in a city like Louisville or something so my pigtails made sense. Because in LA they'd be like, you are not a... You are so out of style.

You're not in with the times. Did you not get the memo about pigtails? So I'd have pigtails on, I'd quadruple in size, and then I'd wear like a real homely type dress that maybe a Mormon person would wear or something. Okay. Or I'd dress like Little House on the Prairie times, you know, little lace-up boots, long sleeve. So far, I feel like Fortune's having the best time in hiding. I'm having so much fun in Thailand. I'm having so much fun in Thailand.

I'm having a blast in your big tail. You're having fun? In my bonnet in Louisville. I'm having a great time. I'm in isolation eating squirrels and bare knuckle boxing the wall. You're like doing prison workouts. Yeah. I'm eating pad thai, chilling with my friends. On the beach, watching elephants get massaged.

And I'm like at bars trying to meet a man. Yeah. You know? Do you remember Pippi Longstocking? Of course. I never forgot about her. Me neither. When I was growing up, I loved her and my mom had red hair and so she...

would claim she was like, I am Pippi Longstocking. And they wrote that about me when I was a kid. And then I changed my name and I kind of went into hiding. And I would get irate because I loved Pippi Longstocking. I was like, you're not her. And she was like, I am her. Like I, when I was a kid, that was me. The stories are of my adventures. And now I grew up and I'm not Pippi Longstocking anymore, but it would make me so mad. Yeah.

Wow. I know. And so at what age did you move beyond your Pippi Longstocking's love? Phase? Yeah. When did you and your mother work this out? It's still an ongoing dispute. No, I think probably around eight or nine, I just got over Pippi. But I do remember that I was playing with Karen Trakus in grade one, and we were hiding under a table playing some make-believe game. And

And I kissed her hand. I was like pretending to be classic me. Classic. Yeah, yeah. It was pretty smooth. And she was pretending to be Pippi Longstocking and I was someone else. And and then someone saw us saw me kiss her hand. And it was my first experience with like they ran to the teacher and were like, may kiss Karen. And it became this like mob thing.

And then my teacher was awesome about it and was like, you guys are lame for telling me that. Like, who cares? Leave them alone. And that was Mrs. Reiki and she was great and we're still in touch. Oh, wow. Okay. I love when anytime May goes down memory lane, you use people's first and last names. Full names, yeah, yeah. Calling people out. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And is your friend that you smooched the hand of cool with being called out on the handsome pod for an under the table make out? I just kissed her hand. And it was all driven by me. I consider that a make out. I don't know if you heard me, but I live in Louisville and wear a bonnet and have pigtails. Apparently you've turned straight. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, and really conservative. Yes. Suddenly you're fighting against gay rights. Absolutely. You think babies come from storks? We're like, wait a second, dude.

We're like, we know you're in hiding, but you don't have to actively campaign against gay people. Take your bonnet off. I'm not in touch with Karen, actually, but I should look her up. Yeah. We'll look her up, too. Yeah. Let's call her. Yeah. Karen. That should be a segment on this show is that Mae has to call all the people from their past that you've smooched.

Or just that you mention and then we just try and dig them up. Thomas can be Googling them simultaneously, seeing if there's a number. Like that one guy from your special. Yes, we're like, we can't find Karen Trakus, but we found this mute woman that looks like her. Ian somebody? Ian Peach, yes. Yes, we're going to look up Ian Peach. Susie Cassaba. Get ready, everybody. Yes.

Well, should we hear what Stephanie's... What Stephanie would do? Yeah. I'm really curious. Yeah. Hopefully Stephanie's not also straight now in Louisville. What if Stephanie was in Louisville straight? That feels like one of those names that you call yourself when you write into Dear Abby, straight in Louisville. Yeah.

If I were running from the law, I would be in the Caribbean on a beach in all linen in a hat. And I would be walking on the beach with a fruity drink.

Yeah. Stephanie's doing what I'm doing. We're just vacationing. So she just has like a big floppy straw hat on, sun hat on, enjoying herself. And linens. I think in this scenario also you guys are loaded. I guess you robbed a bank or something. Yeah, you got a bunch of loot. I guess so. But Tig's not getting to enjoy it. No. I'm in a bonnet in Louisville.

I don't know if you remember that. Trying to find a man. I don't know. Do you remember the end of Silence of the Lambs where he's on the beach? Oh, yeah. In white. And he's like, hello, Clarice. I feel like that's Stephanie in her fantasy. She's on the beach. Like, I got away with it.

All in white linens. Now, would this surprise you? No. I never saw Silence of the Lambs. Oh, my word. Oh, my word. Tig. Listen, when I say I'm under a rock, I mean it with all my heart. So when people go, hello, Clarice, did you know what they were referring to? Nobody said that to me. And if they did, I probably didn't catch it because I probably just thought, well, that's weird. My name's not Clarice. Yeah.

You would be funny in improv because you wouldn't get the references to anything anyone was making. Anything. That's me just out in the world. I'm like, who?

What? It's kind of cool because you just think everybody's super creative. Like someone's like, let's toss the ring into Mordor. You're like, cool. You're making up this whole. Yeah. Happy to do it. Happy to do it. Are there a lot of classic movies you've never seen? Fortune.

it's astounding. And, and then also the conversations I get into with people where they're like, Oh no, no, no. You know who it was. If you saw a picture of her, you know who it was. And I'm sitting there going,

You don't know who you're talking to. And then they'll show me and I'm like, yeah, I have no idea who this is. That is so funny. But I, of course, you know, I work in this business. I meet people. I work with people. I have, you know, I socialize with people, but it doesn't necessarily mean I've seen their number one worldwide sitcom or movie. That's why everyone's friends with you because you're just like, I don't know who you are. We're just...

Yeah, we can hang out. Sure. Tell me your name again. You're no better than me. I'm no better than you. We're just two equals. Your house is five times bigger, but, you know. Tom Hanks is like, okay. I do know Tom Hanks. Look, I'm not going to start name dropping now, but I do. I am astounded by, you're like, oh, yeah, I'm hung up. I'll, like, name someone every now and then for whatever reason. And Tig's like, yeah, we had dinner with them a couple weeks ago. Yeah.

That's wild. Yeah. Can you ask George Clooney why he was pranking me on Canada Day? George, I have not met. I have seen him at a party and I did see him walking down the street. Okay. Yeah. Pretty great. Okay. Are you sure it was him and not someone in disguise? I knew for sure because he was carrying a whoopee cushion.

Well, that's him right there. But he did those like crazy pranks where you're like someone's uncomfortable. Pranks that mess with your life? Yeah, that mess with you. I don't like, I'm not a big prank gal. I feel like Mae's a little bit more into pranks.

I like a prank. I like a prank. You like a prank too? I love a prank. Because you were the one that was saying something about going to dinner and someone tying shoelaces. Yeah, it was in my childhood art class. I went under the table and tied everyone. That's right. We were doing some craft with yarn and I went under the round table that I was sitting at.

took a long piece of yarn and tied everyone's shoelaces. I looped it through everyone's shoelaces. Yes, right. And then tied it. It's so good. See, I'm not into that. Well, I would be like, Tig! But that would make me so happy. That's all I'm looking for is a Tig! Tig!

Like when I would go to camp or something, people would play pranks and I was like, really, guys? Guys. I just want to have a nice chat. You didn't say, y'all. Y'all. I don't care for this. Because I'm a little puss. I didn't like getting like, you know, the pranks where like water's dumped on your head. Yeah. You're like getting your sleeping bag and there's like sand. I'd be like, guys. Guys.

Now I have to clean this up. I'm wet. I'm sticky. I would try not to do hacky pranks. I'd try to do creative ones. I'm not going to put toothpaste on the toilet seat. Okay. That's good. I can appreciate a clever prank, but not as much the one that involves getting...

dirty wet or sticky i i also like a prank that it takes a while to play out and then you see the the end result yeah yeah yeah i like that a lot like my friend in university started a rumor that another guy at university made his own bombay mix at home do you know what bombay mixes it's like a

spiced Indian baked salty snack. It's like, it's like, like, um, checks or what, or what? Something maybe you'd eat behind a garage. Yeah, exactly. But it was just like such a specific and, and weird lie to make up. Oh, he makes it. Yeah. He actually makes his own Bombay mix at home. He like, he bakes it and does the spice blend. And he just wanted to see how long it would take for that to get back to the guy. Like, Oh, I heard you make your own Bombay mix.

Anyway, but it just took months and everyone just believed it was true. And then when it finally got back to the guy and he was like, what? And it was great. Nope, wasn't me. Yeah. Got him! How fulfilling. Yeah.

Well, thank you to Stephanie Allen for sending in her audio clip question for the week. Yeah, thanks, Stephanie. It was real good. Yeah, you know, if you see a woman in linen and a big hat on the beach, immediately, citizen's arrest. Murderer. Or if you see a woman in Louisville with a bonnet on. And if you see me in Thailand, pull up a chair and have some pad thai with me.

And you just won't see me because I'll be deep in the woods in solitude atoning. At Gross Nanny? At Nanny Garbage. Nanny Garbage. Oh, okay. Gross Nanny's the neighbor's house. Gross Nanny. That's a chain. It's a company that you can call to watch your children. Should we get a Gross Nanny for the kids? Well, you know that company called Molly Maid? Yes. That cleans houses? Now there's Gross Nanny. Gross Nanny.

Is this an old woman cleaning your house? No, she doesn't clean. She's disgusting. She makes a big mess. The one thing she guarantees, though, is that your child will be there and alive when you get home, but the place is a disaster. Oh, that's good.

The kid's fingernails are filthy, but you called her gross nanny. Gross nanny. All righty. Well, that was another fun episode of The Handsome Pod. I feel like I get to know you guys more and more every week. Ditto. And I like it.

Same. I like it too. Before we go, does anyone have anything handsome they'd like to promote? Yeah, I'm actually on tour starting in mid-September. I'm coming to San Antonio, Texas, New Orleans, Portland, Oregon, Spokane, Boise, Minneapolis, Sioux Falls, South Dakota, Oakland, California, Evansville, Indiana, Dayton, Ohio, and Charleston, West Virginia with lots more dates. Also on my website at fortunefeimster.com.

My big thing this week is I'm a Dynasty typewriter. I'm doing four shows in a row on August 30th, 31st, September 1st, and September 2nd. It's called May Martin Summer of Improv, and it's special guests, it's surprise celebrity guests, and we're all doing improv, and it's going to be really insanely fun.

What about you, Tig? Well, I will be in Torrington, Connecticut, September 15th. Rochester, New York, September 16th. Wilmington, Delaware, September 17th. Colorado Springs, September 25th. Breckenridge, September 28th.

Boulder, Colorado, September 29th. And then I am off to Europe in October. And you can get all of my tour information at tignotaro.com. And then I'll be back in the States in La Crosse, Wisconsin, October 28th. And then Brooklyn, New York, November 4th for my next tour.

comedy special taping at King's Theater. Also, if you're enjoying Handsome, tell a friend, tell two friends, tell three friends, tell your family. Send them a link to this episode right now and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. It really helps us make the show even better. And lastly, but not leastly,

I have a Don't Ask Tig live streaming show coming up with Fortune in May on September 12th. Tickets can be purchased at Don'tAskTig.org. So get a group of your most handsome friends together and don't miss out. And until next time, keep it handsome. Hey.

Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsomepod.