Shownotes Transcript
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Welcome to the very first episode of The Handsome Pod, aka Handsome. That's right. It's Fortune Feimster, and I am joined by my amazing co-host... Tig Notaro. Tig Notaro.
I'm May. Oh, man. And we're feeling very confident today. Yeah, yeah. You really, I felt at ease there, Fortune. Your radio hosting skills were, that was smooth. You know, I was trying to give us a little, welcome to the show, everybody. It's gonna be a great time.
Let's get your panties on and have a good show. Get your panties on. Get your panties on. Yeah, get your panties on. Everyone's listening naked. They might be. I have to say, I'm going to go ahead and get right into a really tricky topic, but I'm not a fan of the word panties. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I just say underwear. Okay. What about you, Mae? I'm with you. I'm with you. Panties, I wouldn't... I mean...
Okay, maybe if I was in... Panties, when Ray says it, panties. Is that how I say it? Pantaloons. I kind of like it when you say it like that, panties. Did I say panties? It kind of... We'll have to rewind and go back. Now it feels a little put on. You guys say panties.
panties and may says panties panties like the phantom of the opera or something i've managed to get you to say the word a lot more than you're comfortable with put your panties on take your panties off whatever you want may count dracula i i think uh i don't like it but if i was in some really kind of filthy scenario and someone said it to me in a really seedy way i might get into the grossness of it like i might be like i'll lean into the kind of
horribleness. Into their gross panties. The dirty maid comes out. The gross panties. Yeah, yeah. So you say underwear. The panties. Yeah, I say underwear. Hey, put on your underwear. And so, Fortune, you're saying that at your house, you're like, Jax, grab me a pair of my panties. Jax, can you hand me some panties?
I just need to know. I need to know if you, when you are in the privacy of your own home, if you ask Jax, please grab me a pair of my panties. Jax, you might grab me a pair of them panties. I would probably say it like that, dim panties, if I was... Because I don't think I could say it seriously. Okay, so you'd add like a southern drawl. I'd have to say, hey, give me dim panties. What?
So you're not comfortable with the word panties. I think when I'm referring to my own, I probably say undies. Okay. That's adorable. I like that. I go, oh, I need some clean undies. Okay. And then Jax wears panties. She got the panties. She got the panties. And I have panties. And I have panties. We have underwear, panties, and... Undies.
Undies. So what do you say? Take underwear, yeah. Underwear. I'm pretty straightforward. Like, I don't shorten anyone's name unless they tell me to. Right. Now let me ask, you just don't like the way the word sounds? You don't like... It sounds disgusting to me, to be honest. Like, if somebody's like, I'm trying to find my panties. Like,
It does feel weird when you say it. Yeah. Excuse me, but I can't find my panties. In all of these scenarios we're creating, these people are not in control of their own underwear. They're always having to get someone to pass it to them or they're looking for them. Give me them panties. Where are my panties? Pass me my panties. You're like, why isn't someone else always involved? Why is everyone walking around with no panties on? Panties. Yeah. Yeah.
Do you have that feeling towards other words or that's the big... The cliche one is moist, right? Everyone says they hate that word, which I kind of agree. I don't really have a problem with that word either. Moist. I love a moist cake. Oh, I got one. In England, instead of vacation or holiday, they go, I'm on me holly bobs.
Me holly bobs? Yeah, they go, I'm taking my holly bobs. And it's like a sort of cutesy, like this is grown adults saying that. Do you say, well, you better pack your panties? Did you pack your panties? Can someone pass me my panties? I'm going on me holly bobs.
Oh my god. Well, that's for sure always going to be in my life. Holly bobs. It's very like infantilizing, right? Like, yeah. And so wait, it's plural. It's not it's not holly bob. It's holly bobs. Holly bobs. It's like, like they call math maths, right? It's like, you know, we'd say I'm doing some math. So they instead of saying I'm going on holiday, they go I'm on my holly bobs.
Huh. So wait, what are you saying about math? Yeah, I don't know either. Yeah, you've lost me when we started crunching numbers. Okay. So we're counting ponties. If someone said, like I would say, because I'm bad at math, I'd say I hate doing math. They would say, I'm bad at maths. I hate doing maths. Oh,
Oh, they put an S at the end of it. Yeah, they pluralize it. You're saying the people across the pond make math, maths? Maths, yeah. They're like, I'm finishing my maths and I'm going on my holly bobs. Yes, exactly. Better pack me panties.
Well, even like I would say my least favorite class was math class. They would say math's class. Math's class. Isn't that weird? Okay. That is weird. But we don't want to harp on it because we don't want to lose listeners over there. For international fans, we love...
everything you say. We love maths. And when you go on Hollybobs, listen to our podcast. Yeah. If you go on Hollybobs, come to one of our live shows. You know what we should have done with this podcast is have people send in math equations and see if we could solve them. Oh, Lord. Oh, God. That would be in big trouble with me. Just sitting for hours, all of us silent. Are you not good at maths? No, it gives me almost like a lump in my throat of panic. You? Yeah.
No, I don't know if you know, but I failed three grades and dropped out and I have a seventh grade education. So struggling a little bit with math. How old were you when you dropped out? Basically 47, but I had failed so many times that I was looking around my classroom and realizing, oh, I used to babysit these kids in the neighborhood. Oh, because you finally went, you went and got a GED later? Yeah.
I did and my cat ate it. Okay. Wait, for real? Truly. Here, I'll show you. Your cat ate your GED? I have it framed in my office. Oh. Can you see it? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Do you think it was because you, because clearly you're very smart. Do you think you just hate school? There's a mannequin in my office. I know there is a mannequin. There's a mannequin behind you that looks like Cara Delevingne.
Actually, one of my sons came in and was like, that kind of looks like mommy. You know, people have tried to make it about that I was, I must have been so smart or I must have been so bored because I was so smart and I really just didn't understand. Yeah. Right. Are you dyslexic or anything? I don't know. Don't know. Don't care. Yeah. I am. I am.
leaps and bounds beyond school but I don't know what my problem was I probably had a lot going on at home let's not ruin the vibe here let's get back to Ponti Ponti
How was every... Should we say how everyone's week was? Yeah. Go for it, Mae. Go for it? Go for it. I don't know. I've never spoken like that before, but why not start? My week was pretty good. I went to Disney. I went to Disney.
with a four-year-old. I've never, I've only been as an adult with other adults to Disney and it was a whole other experience. Seeing like the magic and the wonder on the face of a kid was, it was amazing. But then I felt sort of like I got overwhelmed and sunburned like a toddler myself. I like sort of needed sugar and yeah, but it was, it was good. I don't know. Do Max and Finn like theme parks? Are they too? They did. We, we,
We took them to Disneyland and then we brought them on Space Mountain when they were four. Oh, my God. Wow. That's a hardcore one for a four-year-old. Yes. Yeah. And it was one of those things where when we sat in and the bar locked in front of us, Stephanie and I looked at each other and we're like...
What in the hell did we just do as we were clicking up the thing? And Max and Finn had no idea what was coming. You know, they're just sitting there. And then we just started zipping around the mountains. In the pitch black. In the pitch black at 5,000 miles an hour. And then we come out of the space mountain. And Finn was...
He was speechless. He didn't know what had just happened to him. And I think Max was too, but he's such a guy that we always joke that we need to start looking into frat houses to go drop him off. Right. Because he's the kid that like shows up anywhere. And if there's a pool, he's like belly flop and he just runs and jumps in where Finn's a little scared.
skeptical of things and need to make sure everything's, you know. This was, yeah, my experience was like, because I was the only one who'd ever been before. So they were saying, is this ride too scary for a five-year-old? And I kept misjudging and being like, no, this one's not scary. And we did the Star Wars one where you're in. Oh, yeah. I thought it's fine. You're sitting down, you're in 3D glasses. It's called Star Tours. Yeah.
It's not that crazy. But then as soon as the lights went off and I just looked at this tiny child and it was like stormtroopers are shooting at us and we're in a battle and she just like really quietly is just like, I'm scared. And then she started deep breathing because I guess her mama taught her if you're ever scared, just deep breathe. So I just hear this tiny body next to me going...
She's over there doing yoga poses. I know, I felt terrible, yeah. But it was really fun. They're scared in the moment and then they'll talk about it for weeks after, right? Yeah. Like it was no big deal. Yeah, and just like, I remember when this happened. I just went to Disneyland a couple months ago. You did? Yeah, I was terrified of every roller coaster I was forced to go on. You were the one that was going deep breathing on the rides? Uh-huh, I'm like...
I gotta change my panties. Jacks, can you hand me my panties? Can you hand me them clean panties? I done changed my pants. My panties. Yeah.
Yeah, I get so scared. I got a weird fact about Space Mountain because one time I was on and it stopped halfway through the ride and the lights came on and it just paused for like two minutes and they were like, just a technical problem and then it kept going. So afterwards I went to the guy and I was like, what is that happen by the way? And I thought it was like someone puked or there was an electrical thing. And he said a lot of people bring their relatives ashes to throw them on Space Mountain. No way.
what yeah apparently this is like pretty so you're potentially inhaling people's kidneys and toenails you're starting to Chris oh my god like people are passionate about Space Mountain people are passionate about Disney it's wild people are passionate about panties yeah they sure are
Yeah, I mean that place is like packed. Everywhere we went, there was like a thousand people. Wearing all the merch and yeah. We made the mistake of walking through Toontown, which is where all the little kids are. And if you go there starting at like 2 p.m., every child is screaming and crying because it's like nap time. Yeah. Yeah.
Just red face, traumatized. Yeah. Or they just got put on Space Mountain by accident. Nap time in Toontown. No one's sleeping. I'm walking around going, these kids need naps. Thanks, Uncle Fortune.
I'm just doing what I can, you know? Well, how was your week, Fortune? My week was good. I've been on tour, so I'm traveling all over. Are you on tour now? Mm-hmm. I'm going to Tulsa here shortly, and I just got back from Michigan. Jackson and I did some...
i had some shows up there and then we went early to visit jax's mom and stepdad so oh we went on a boat ride whoa when you're on tour do you try to like spend some time in the city too or are you just in and out like if i was there i'd be looking for the escape rooms yeah when i was doing clubs i was you know there for two to three days so i would go all over the city and try all the places but right now i'm doing
a theater a night. So it's usually like three cities and a different theater each night. So there's no time. I'm lucky to get like a coffee and a meal. Right. And then I'm in the car or the plane the next day to the next city. What a life. Yeah, it's wild. That's a lot of traveling. I bet you're getting a lot of points. I just learned what that is because I got my first credit card. I'm 36 years old. I just got my...
Your first ever credit card? Yeah, I've only had debit cards because I've been nervous about spending too much, I guess, but I just realized. But you're only almost 40. Of course you just got a credit card. I know. It's insane when you think about it. So I have no credit. But did you get one that has points
that you can get because that's the whole name of the game with credit cards yeah my friend do you know sabrina jalees she's like a point a points psychopath like obsessed with points and so she's instructing me and it's one that automatically is pays itself off every month from your there you go so i don't i'm not too stressed and i'm getting my driver's license finally but that's a whole other story we should baby's growing up i know i know yes yeah because she's
Yeah, you got your big girl panties on. I got my big girl panties on. No, you know they'd be little, little tiny whitey boy boxers. Yeah, yeah.
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What about you, Tig? Did you have a good week? No. Tig, don't bum us out. No, I got sick. Stephanie's been sick and then I got sick and our son's
Max and Finn turned seven on Monday and I was in bed sick. Oh, no. Yeah. But we had some really fun lead up times and we went sailing this weekend before their birthday. And then we also had their birthday at one of those big bouncy house places. I feel like that's prime location for you to break an ankle or...
You're an injury-prone person. I didn't. I wasn't bouncy housing. Okay, good. It was a bunch of, you know, anywhere from...
three to nine year olds. So that was really fun. And then, I don't know, maybe you guys know our wonderful producer, Thomas. He got engaged and we had his engagement party at our office. Oh my God. And it was just a really special, fun night. That's so fun. I had no idea Thomas got engaged. He did. To a very wonderful person and,
It just... His mother came out and all his friends were there. And it was just so... It was just a really, really, really wonderful night. I hope Thomas feels that way too. He's shaking his head. Yeah. Yeah. It was so fun. That's really nice. That's amazing. Yeah. So that was kind of the build up to...
Getting Sick was Thomas's engagement party and then sailing and bouncy houses and all sorts of things. Well, we did our photo shoot for the thumbnail. Yes. It was really funny to me imagining if this podcast never comes out and we just have these professional photos of us. Of the three of us hanging out. Hugging in suits. Yeah, cheersing and laughing and posing. With whiskey. Just...
We're all three in suits, holding whiskey, and at some different points, hugging each other. Laughing, and then also pulling some sexy faces. Yeah, like sultry. You two nailed the sexy faces. Jax was like, you have to work on your sexy face. I'm like, I don't think I can do sexy face. I think you can. I think you did. I think we were all looking very, very sexy. I think you can too, and I also think
it's not true that that's like the quintessential sexy face I don't find very sexy I try to do it anyway where you look kind of bored and horny and like serious but I find bored and horny and serious but I find my cash isn't that what you're supposed to do?
I have no idea. They even did the hand in the shirt at one point. Yeah, I did. And I was like, I didn't even know that was an option. I know. But I find it the sexiest. If I could turn back time. I like when people are smiling. God, if I could just stick my hand in my shirt. I'd be like, Mae, he's coming up with other poses that I didn't even realize existed.
I think May knows more than we do about sexy pose. Yeah. You know, we've got our big girl panties on and May's over there with like some cool underwear. No doubt. Boy shorts. A little boy shorts. Yeah. Being sexy. I do feel like you have sexy on lock. This is crazy. This podcast is the only place where my confidence gets boosted like that. I don't feel that about myself, but thank you. I was trying to do like a...
Napoleon style hand in the you know he's always got his hand in the right meanwhile we're doing Napoleon Dynamite over on the other side I love tater tots
That's unrelated, right? It's also so funny that we poured those whiskeys to be, we thought it'd be cool if we were photographed with the whiskeys and then. Didn't drink them. Tig, you don't drink. And then we like poured them back into the bottle after. It's so geeky. I drink whiskey, but more of an old fashioned. I do. A little bit of sugar in there and then I can drink it. Well, we need to have a, we need to have a little handsome whiskey night where the three of us get together and. No one else is invited. Yeah.
Just bros. Just handsome bros having whiskey. Who's asking? What of it? Get out. Get out of my room. I'm just in here with some handsome bros in our big girl panties. Sharing some war stories.
Trying to swallow whiskey. Yeah, get out. We're all coughing. This is strong. Cigar smoke. Choking on our little suits. Yeah. Trying to smoke a cigar. Didn't light them. We're just so handsome and sexy. We did a show together, Fortune, that leads into our... Yeah, Mae and I did a show at Largo. And our love...
lovely friend who is one of TIG's best friends, Sarah Silverman.
happened to be there. We all know Sarah, love Sarah. Sarah has a new special out on Max called Someone You Love and it was so funny. Great new special. So good. Yeah. It's like all our voices just got really serious but that's because it was so good. It's like, yeah, loved it. It's great. Yeah. We're being honest about it. Yeah.
I love that Sarah did the thing in the beginning because, you know, I've had like my mom introduced me at specials and like some people have their kids introduced. Everyone's trying to find a different way to like put their touch on specials. And so Sarah just had two rando kids at the beginning of her specials. Like, can you pretend to be my kids? Yeah.
That's just, I love how her brain works. Yeah, she's so silly. So I asked Sarah, do you have a question for us? And it turns out Sarah did. Also, she didn't even hesitate with what the question, she knew right away. She was like, oh yeah, I do. I want to know this. And this is, yeah. Because I was like, you can be serious. You can be silly. She's like, I got it. I was like, oh, okay. Yeah.
So here we go. Hi, handsome. It's your old pal, Sarah Silverman. I have a question and I'd like to hear you guys discuss it. How do you each wash your asshole and vagina? Just under the whole undercarriage area. Thanks. I've been dying for someone to ask this question so that I can finally find out how you guys wash your assholes.
I, truth be told, have never had anyone ask me this. It's something I haven't really thought about it much in my life. I guess when you have kids, you have to get desensitized to washing someone else's asshole. Or like cleaning up someone's butt, right? Well, even on your own, you've had decades to get used to cleaning it. It's not like I waited until I had kids and then was like, oh, finally. Oh, this is how you do it. Yeah. Like,
For 45 years, just a terrible buildup back there. And then I had kids and then was like, oh, okay. All right. It's just not something that I, I obviously have been washing it, I guess. I mean, I know I have. It sounds like you haven't. You don't seem, it sounds like you haven't.
I have to say, I don't always think about that hole. Yeah, like I'm externally grazing the area. I'm sorry, the dirtiest hole, it doesn't cross your mind while you're in a shower or tub to clean yourself. I don't think that I'm like thinking like it's asshole time. Yes. Same. Nor are you like time to get those toes sparkly clean. Yes.
I'm more focused on armpits. Do you have a routine as you go through cleaning your body? That you go, it's armpit time. Well, I shower every morning. I have to. What do you mean you have to? Because it wakes me up. If I have a day where I don't shower in the morning, I feel lethargic all day. Same. Same.
So my routine is... I thought you were saying it like you have to, like you don't, you wouldn't imagine what happens with my body. You just don't want to know what happens to my panties when I don't shower. Which, that is hilarious that this randomly ties into the panties. Right.
Who knew that would be a tie-in? But yeah, so I shower every morning. I usually wet my hair using conditioner. You're not supposed to shampoo every day. Are you supposed to condition every day? Honestly, I don't know. Do y'all know? I don't know. You were jumping in there like you knew. I only wash my hair about once a week. Wow.
And I don't ever condition it because in my head I'm thinking, oh, well, my natural oils are conditioning my hair. Everyone talks about these natural oils. I shower and bathe way too much. I used to wash my face like 10 times a day, almost borderline problem time. I wouldn't say borderline. Yeah, you're right. Full problem. 10 times a day with whatever soap was around. Sometimes that pink soap in airport bathrooms just scrubbing my face.
Yeah, I just hated feeling oily in any way. Wait, the pink soap in a public bathroom? Yeah, you know what I mean, right?
I do, but that is not good. Can't be good on your face. No. And so it was making my skin oilier, I guess, because I was just constantly. And also everyone thought I was bulimic because I would eat a meal and then I'd be like, got to go to the bathroom and they'd hear the tap running. I'd be in there 15 minutes. I'd come out all red face. But it was you washing your face. Yes. Yeah. You just were like feeling it's like my face feels dirty to me. Yeah. I don't know where that came from.
I sort of do because my mom used to call me a greasy girl. Well, it's probably rooted there. Yeah, I think we got to the bottom of it pretty quick. Really, like directly found the answer. Yeah, but now... I don't know where that came from, except my mom did used to refer to me as a greasy girl. It might lead back to this one traumatic moment for me.
About my face. But everyone used to tell me you're stripping the natural oils and I'd be like, shut up. But then as soon as I stopped washing my face that much, it's better. Yeah. Yeah. I think the less you actually wash, the less oily you get. I guess that's true. Yeah. I mean, not to bring it back to Napoleon again, but Napoleon had a fetish for like dynamite. Yeah. Yeah.
No, Napoleon Napoleon Bonaparte Bonaparte Bonaparte He had a fetish for He would write to Josephine, his wife If he was on the battlefield And he'd say I'm coming back in six weeks Dear Josephine Dear Josephine And he'd say Dear Josephine He'd say don't shower I'm coming back in six weeks I want you like disgusting No, that's so gross I know, he was obsessed
That's wild. Well, you know, in the old times, I was taking a tour of Portugal and they were like, you know, back in the day, people only had two baths in their lifetime. What? I don't know what part of history this was, but there was a part of history. They're like, you get a bath when you're born and you get a bath when you're dead. That's wild.
That's wild to me. That is crazy. And you don't know what point in history, like was it the 70s? The 70s kind of look like people had greasy hair and mustaches no matter what the gender. It was when castles were around. I don't know because we were passing by castles and that's the story that they said. It's when castles were around. Is this a history podcast?
Yeah, I think so. I did. Speaking of, I did Google like weird bathing techniques. And look, we should get back to our personal assholes. But I read that in 19th century Germany, they used to bathe in horse broth. They'd boil down a horse and then bathe in the broth.
I'm vegan. I'm vegan. Let's not all forget this. Yeah, you would have been in big trouble. And in ancient Greece, crocodile dung bath apparently is very toning for the skin. And Mae, did you Google this because of this question that Sarah submitted or because you were just looking for a freaky new way to get your undercarriage cleaned? No.
Well, I do like to amass facts for if I'm on a date to have a lot of facts. But this specifically, I think I was hoping to distract away from having to talk about my own asshole. So I did Google some historical bathing. Wait a minute. When you go on a date, you Google things? Thank you for going back to that. Walk us through this before we even get to your undercarriage. Okay.
I have hundreds of facts in my notebook and in my phone. And it's in case conversation dries up. I got facts and I've got like, would you rather question? And you bring up alligator dung. Yeah, I would. When you're trying to get someone's ponties off or on. No ponties intended. So, yeah.
Alligator dung is an excellent. You rub that around on your body to clean? Probably like a sort of full clay mask. And is this from olden times or? Yeah, this is around Cleopatra times. And she used to, she would also bathe in milk and honey. And it was like. That sounds nice. Well, it sounds nice. And then you find out it's sour donkey milk.
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Everybody always puts such importance into what people did years ago. You know, they'll say, this is the caveman diet. This is how they ate before civilization, you know, and I'm like,
They knew nothing. Of course they were bathing in alligator dung. They don't know anything. That's what they had. That was the resources available. They have no information. They're so newly into... Anything. Anything. They don't have CBD, cupping. They don't have retinol. They don't have...
They don't have panties. Exactly. They don't have anything. So it's like when people say to me, no, you should do this. They've done this for thousands of years. That immediately makes me think,
I should not do this because this was a decision made by somebody with absolutely no information. Yeah, someone who thought that the world was on top of a turtle's back in a cosmic ocean. Right, so people that would walk up and bite a tree trunk and then jump off a cliff because they didn't know they were anything about heights.
That's what I imagine cave people doing was like, yeah, a tree and then jumping off a cliff and being like, they don't have a map. Yeah. Well, you don't need a map to know that this is far down to not, to not, I would at least think they would have grabbed a rock and be like, let's see what happens. This is a rock. And even still, they don't have the information to know that they will die. Okay. Okay. Agree to disagree. Okay.
Okay. All right. You see it your way. I'll see it. And this portion of agree to disagree. What if we immediately went to a video clip where Fortune and I are just wrestling each other? It is, it isn't, it is, it isn't. That would be pretty great content. I'm just trying to imagine someone who's just gone on a date with May and they're like talking to their friends about it at brunch the next day. And they're like, well, you'll never guess what I learned. Yeah.
And then they're like, did you go out with May? Napoleon didn't want his wife to bathe for six weeks. Love that stink. The embarrassing thing about it is sometimes I don't want to admit that I've just been Googling and amassing facts. So if I got a new fact that I think is good, I'll try and steer the conversation. I'll be like... Towards it? Yeah. Yeah.
I don't know about alligators. I don't know. I'll start and then I'll try and get there. Wait, that's your segue? I don't know about alligators. You ever think about alligators? Y'all were like talking about your hobbies. Yeah. I got to steer this alligator somehow. Yeah. Yeah.
I know that reminds me of alligators. How about those alligators? What about their dung? Yeah. Like I'm not listening to anything my data is saying. They're like really talking about their life and family. Alligator dung can really get an undercarriage clean. I mean squeaky clean. The thing shines. Check please.
Well, that's a first. I've not ever heard that before. And normally you hear it again. I can promise you that. You probably won't even hear it if you listen to this podcast. We'll cut it all out. Yeah, Thomas for sure is making a note. Edit out alligator dung talk. Have you guys ever used a, is it pronounced a bidet? I have not. Well, it's very European, right? So you probably had, did you have one in London? Yeah.
My grandma had one actually, yeah, in her old house, but I never really got... Good. She should have. Oh, trust me. Yeah, yeah. I heard about her. Of course she had one. What a smelly butthole.
All that tea and scones. Oh, boy. Well, they have... So I think in America, the more popular version, if you have a couple of dollars to put down on a toilet, are those Japanese toilets, the Toto toilets. And they spray up into your butt. Yeah, it's like a more modern-day bidet. And is this... Have we gone to commercial? Is this our advertisement? I would love to have them as...
sponsor so we can all get a bidet the handsome pod is pushing bidets like so hard just get your undercarriage clean people for the love of god we're like thanks for this question sarah this episode happens to be brought to you by well i listened to sarah's podcast and now i'm like is this a conspiracy where she's just trying to get it back to because on her podcast she's like it's brought to you by hello tushy
That was a pretty good Sarah impersonation. That was pretty good. That is. I have a good Maria Bamford impression. Let's hear it. Hey, guys. Yeah. Ask me a question. Okay. First of all, I realized I couldn't just... Maria, what'd you have for lunch?
I'm not doing it well. I'm loving it. That's great. You're there. I keep going into Kate Micucci. I want to say, oh, geez, guys. You know? Right. And Maria's more, I don't know. Yeah. She's a little Marge Simpson-y. Yeah.
Or is that Marge? Yeah, Marge, yeah. Okay. Call me. Oh, God. What has this podcast become? Our listeners are like, you lost me there. It's you doing an impression going, wait, is that it? Am I right? I was into the panty discussion, but when we went Marge Simpson, I'm going to go get a snack.
Okay, so back to the buttholes. Yeah. First off, do you guys call them, you know, Sarah refers to it as an asshole. Is that how you guys describe it? I say butthole. Well, it's interesting Sarah said that because she, if you're really familiar with Sarah's material, she for a long time claimed she didn't have one, that it was just a gunshot. Okay.
So busted. It was an old gunshot wound, I believe. And that she absolutely does not have one. So do you guys go just to get to the real heart of the matter? I hate to ask, but like,
Am I meant to be going in my butt when I clean it or just the exterior? You, yes. Because you're related to your grandmother. Old Smelly Butt. Yeah, this runs in the family. So I would highly recommend you get in there. Old Smelly Butt Martin. What's her God-given name? Oh, it really was.
No disrespect. R.I.P. It's just a medical issue. We're not disrespecting anybody here. I would probably spend more time cleaning the front, the vagine more than the B. The V more than the B. Right.
Really? Mm-hmm. Oh, me too. But maybe it's a new era. Oh, you're talking about because the young folks are eating. Yes. Eating butt. They're eating. I guess the proper thing is eating ass. I keep seeing this on. That is the proper way. That's how Mae's grandmother would have said it.
I tried to say eating butt, but it doesn't have the same effect. It sounds trashy when you say it like that. Then, yeah. So I think maybe more, or you're saying, Maggie, you think more infamous...
What's the word? Emphasis. Thank you. Is being put on that. I'm the one without an education. I can't just be pulling up words for everyone. So, Mae, you're saying, yes, more emphasis on the B than the V. Well, these days... On the V than the B. Yeah, yeah. That's what I have been doing my whole life. And same with you. More emphasis on the V than the B. Yeah. Okay. Here's my question. Why must you...
not give an even clean to both. Why do you refuse both of you? Time. Time constraints for fortune. I'm busy. Fortune is a hard out.
I'm a hard out. She's got a hard out on her undercarriage. I'm going to get out of that shower in 10 minutes. I think I just, I want to feel super confident in the V, like if I'm inviting anyone to that area. So I just, I get really focused on it. Well, if you've invited someone onto that area, guess what's not too far away from that area? The B. The B. Is grandma's problem area. Yeah. Is what? The B.
the medical term for that area is. I've never invited anyone to my bee, even though it's near the bee. It was my understanding that's how you hook jacks. Was it through the bee? Yeah. You're like, I got a filthy bee. And she was like, Napoleon. No, I've never wanted anyone near my bee. Well, I'm only just
sort of being confident and brave enough to be like, well, it's got to be something in it. Like, people love it. So I'm interested. I'm like... Oh, you're into it now. I haven't gone there, but I'm really open to it. Okay. So I'm going to have to focus on the beat. You're going to have to watch it. You said you've never...
invited anyone to your to the bee and i have to say now that you've announced publicly worldwide that you don't spend time on it i don't know that you're gonna have many visitors well my wife is a germaphobe so i know she ain't going nowhere near it because it's you know the bee is the grandma's problem area full of germs
Grandpa's problem area. The bee probably has more germs than the V. Well, I don't know what's going on. It depends, you know, what direction you're wiping, if you're wiping. I know there's a whole thing about which direction to wipe. One's more difficult than the other. Unless you have a bidet, right? Yeah. Then you just... This could solve everything. Yeah. That's why this episode is brought to you by... Hello Toshi. Toto and Hello Toshi. Yeah.
What about colonics? Have you had one of those? I've had one. I haven't had. Why am I having deja vu like we've talked about colonics before? We for sure have not. No, we definitely haven't. One million percent. You know, this podcast goes back many years. It's hard to remember. It's hard to remember. Wait, so you've had one colonic? I've had one. I didn't mind it. Apparently you're really energized after it.
Well, so, so yeah, you like lay down and then you got to roll on your side. Oh, you have to drink a bunch of stuff and water. You invite not whiskey, not whiskey, whiskey. When you say stuff, you have to drink a lot, like a ton of water and until, um, or no, is that a different test? Yeah.
Are you thinking of a bladder ultrasound? Maybe that's an ultrasound. I definitely did have a colonic, but I maybe didn't drink water.
But when you invite them to the bee, you gotta. So you stick a tube in your bee. And then they're like, did you drink a lot of water? You're like, is that the wrong test? I'm so sorry. I thought I was getting an ultrasound. Is this not an ultrasound? No.
So you lay there while this tube is taking all the stuff out of your body. Out of your grandma's problem area. And you would be shocked. I'm telling you. Not just me, because I have a lot in my system. You'd be shocked by the amount of stuff that comes through that tube. I don't doubt that there would be... Like what's the amount? Pieces of Lego. Like a lot. Give me numbers. Like what? Like a lot. I don't know. Buckets? No.
Wait, buckets? And just a bucket? Were they really hauling off like two buckets on a pole on their shoulders? Well, as you know, I can't remember if I drank a lot of water for this. So I'm not sure. But there was someone with a bonnet on that had buckets on a pole. And then they make butter. And then they went and churned your... And they made bee butter.
No, it's just butter. That's where it came from. But then it feels great. You do feel like cleansed.
Yeah. After I'm actually shocked. I haven't gotten more. We should get one for the pod. We should. I think the three of us need to line up a colonic. Yeah. Yeah. Are we going to have three separate doctors performing them simultaneously or one person running? Thomas will be. Thomas will do it. Yeah. Here's the thing. So we know that May's open to the bee. Hasn't done it yet. Tig. Yeah. What is your relationship with your bee?
Closed. It's closed for business. Closed for business. Closed. Are you washing it? Haven't washed once. Oh, no way. I don't believe it.
No, I'm a bit of a germaphobe myself. And I really get into every nook and cranny and scrub-a-dub-dub. Okay. Not to overshare, because I'll be invited to other people's bees, and I'm totally comfortable with it. And I get psychologically why it's hot, because it's so vulnerable. And it's like...
And so that's now where I'm wrapping my head around, like, maybe I need to invite people to my B because I think there's something hot about like, it's so, it's so, yeah, it's vulnerable. It's like a process you're doing together. Like you gotta be, you know what I mean? I like any process I find hot. Can we rewind for a second? Yeah.
I'm scared. So you're being intimate with someone. Yeah. And they're just like, hey, you can get back there in that bee if you want. Is that how it works? Yeah. I mean, to be honest, a lot of men that I've been with, they want a finger up the butt. They want other things up their butt. And it got me more into it. Okay.
And then some people, it's just part of their wheelhouse. It's just never been in the menu for me. But now that I sort of see the appeal, I'm like, okay, so maybe I got to get Hello Tushy or Toto. Well, you know what? You're going to have to report back to us.
Why isn't it called Goodbye Tushy? Well, hello. Like, well, here we are. Is hello Tushy? Is that a bidet situation? Well, it could be hello or goodbye because the tissue goes down and the tissue goes up. What if it's because it's shooting water? You're going, hello. Yeah. That's what I kind of thought. Because it goes up your butt. You're like, hello. I'm sure we'll hear from the company and they'll let us know.
But it's a bidet, right? It's not like a... I think it's one of those electric toilets, I think. Okay, gotcha. Where it has different settings and... Yeah. I think one of the settings is like a cool wind, like that drives you. But I don't know that I would like that. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, I don't know if you guys are interested, but our pal Sarah Silverman actually answered this question as well, if you'd like to hear what Sarah said. Of course. I also kind of feel like I already know. Oh, really? Because Hello Tushy? Just being too close to her for too long. Okay. True. You guys know each other very well. So what I do is I like a liquid soap, maybe a Dr. Bronner's. Is that you? Yeah.
And I lather up my pubes. Then I use that lather to, I scoop up that lather and put it amongst my, within and betwixt and between my undercarriage, vagina and asshole. Lather it up in there. Rinse. Thanks.
Just a thanks. Thank you guys for letting me share that. Can I tell you what is so incredible is that my stepfather who passed away was so buttoned up, you know, just tried to do things the right way that was in his mind. This is, you know, the right way. And this is whatever. His favorite comedian of all time.
sarah silverman no way the most buttoned up man that walked this earth i love that always call and be like tig did you watch sarah's new special or did you see sarah on whatever show he it was like she was his other child he loved her so much i bet it was like
almost cathartic for him to see someone being so open. Yeah. Well, and my mother was so wild and open and free. And I guess he's just, I mean, my mother, there was nothing similar between my mother and Sarah. But I think probably that's right. It's just he was drawn to anything that was nothing like him. Yeah. Anyway, that's what makes me laugh to think of if my stepfather could hear that. He would probably be laughing.
very hard and amused, but you would never hear anything like that out of him. - Can we talk about using your pubes as a lathering device? I just lather in my hand. I don't know that-- - You don't start the lather there? - It's so funny to be like-- - I just love how earnest Sarah is about it. - Here's what I do. Liquid soap.
Well, none of us are using bar soap, right? I don't use bar soap, but you know what I do use? The hippie side of me. I use this bar shampoo. I've heard of it. Because then you don't have to use extra plastic with
Shampoo. You just have this bar and it lathers up so nice on your hair. You just rub it around. I just with bars. It reminds me of my dad or my grandpa, maybe who they'd use it until it was just like as thin as a credit card. Like just use it right down. And then you got all these little slivers of soap everywhere. Yeah. Like the weird sort of rituals that you do in your bathroom that you kind of assume everyone does. And they you're just like, well, then I lather it in my pubes and I scoop it back. Yeah.
Today's podcast is very educational. We know. That's funny. Thank you so much for the question, Sarah. I feel like... Yes, thank you. It was a good one. We learned a lot. I still want to dip my bee into some sour donkey milk. That's what I'm... That's your takeaway? Yeah.
Or some crocodile dung. I learned to just stay away from fortunes bee. Grandma's problem area. No matter how much fortune tries to lure me into her grandma's problem area.
So my grandma has a problem area too now? No, I'm saying this is just as a general, like just grandma's problem area is just the name of a bee at this point. But that's traceable back to my specific grandma. Your specific grandma has the worst problem.
She has got the... When did she pass? 2012. Yeah. Okay. And still stinking to high heaven. They couldn't even bury her in a regular graveyard. They just had to put her out in the field. Oh, Grandma. Well, Grandma's problem area. Well, so that's what I learned is no matter how much fortune tries to lure me to her Grandma's problem area...
come on hard pass a formal written invitation not gonna work I learned and I'm not a hundred percent on this the Clonix don't require you to drink maybe that is for an ultrasound we all gotta go get one an ultrasound uh yeah we all gotta go get an ultrasound
Definitely going to get a colonic. Post the results. Super stoked about that. And possibly a toilet that has the spray on it. Hello, toilet. Hello. Hello. If that's not part of their ad campaign, it should be. Hello. Hello, toilet.
I do know this. It's always lovely talking with you guys. I laugh more here than anywhere. And we hope everybody else enjoyed today's episode as well. And we hope everybody goes and puts on their ponties. Ponties. Or take off your ponties and say, hello, toilet. But
Before we go, does anyone have anything handsome they'd like to promote? Oh, thank you for asking. I have a very handsome tour going on right now. I will be coming to Norfolk, Virginia, Baltimore, Maryland, San Antonio, Texas, New Orleans,
Portland, Oregon, Spokane, Washington, and Boise in the next couple months. Go to fortunefeimster.com for tickets. Very handsome. I'm on tour too. September 15th, I'll be in Torrington, Connecticut. September 16th, Rochester, New York. September 17th, Wilmington, Delaware. September 25th, Colorado Springs. September 28th,
Breckenridge, Colorado. Then I'm going on a European tour in October. Go to tignotaro.com to check out all the show and ticket information. Then I'm back in the States, October 28th, La Crosse, Wisconsin. And then I'm taping my next special November 4th live in Brooklyn, New York at King's Theater.
I also want to mention that if you want to see our three handsome faces all in one place, I'll be hosting a live streaming version of my podcast, Don't Ask Tig, the evening of September 12th, and Fortune and May are my very special guests. So go to don'tasktig.org to get your tickets now. Oh, and if you enjoyed the podcast, it really helps us if you subscribe to and review Handsome wherever you get your podcasts.
And also tell three friends about the podcast to tell them to tell their friends. May, do you have any handsome things going on? I am at Largo on August 24. And I think there's still some tickets for that. I'm doing improv actually with TIG's wonderful wife, Stephanie Allen and Elena Johnston. We're doing improv based on audience questions. And we might have a special guest or two.
And then similarly, end of August, I'm at Dynasty Typewriter doing improv. These are both in LA, by the way. And at Dynasty, I'm doing four or five nights in a row. I should know the exact number, but it's like August 30th, 31st, September 1st, September 2nd. I guess that adds up to four nights. I'm doing a different improv show every night. You never know who's going to stop by. There's going to be surprise celebrity guests.
and people like, well, Stephanie Allen, Lisa Gilroy, Alana, people from the UK, and then surprise directors. And we're doing ridiculous improv. Tickets are on sale at the Dynasty Typewriter website. And don't forget, keep it handsome.
Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsomepod.
