Pretty Little Episode #8
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Pretty Little Episode.

Hey, never, never used to pretty little episode. Always a thrill. Yeah, always a thrill, but never expecting it. Yeah, probably like the episodes. I know. They're probably a thrill for people and they're not expecting them yet. I'm never expecting to do them. I always forget they exist.

Yeah, yeah. I'm never expecting you to do them. Well, this is our first one, the two of us, right? I know, I know. It feels special out of the gate. It really does. It really, we both had tech problems. I sometimes feel like you and I are one generation and Fortune is like Gen Z. Like Fortune's just on it with tech and we're both kind of like,

I just plug it in again. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Fortune seems to have more of a clue. Yeah. About tech stuff. When you were in middle school, did anyone ever go get a clue? They still do. Oh, they still say that to you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like that's something my kids would say to me. Get a clue, Mare. Yeah. My son, Max, called me last night and I had just stepped off stage at Comedy Bar here in Toronto. Yeah.

And he's very into, they have our cell phone numbers and their grandparents' cell phone numbers. And he is so into calling people. And I always get little, like as soon as I got off stage, there was a voice message from Max saying,

Hi, Mayor. It's Maxwell. If you get this message, call me back. Thanks. Bye. And I love getting messages from him and I call him back and there's really nothing going on. But what I was going to say is while we were talking, when I was in the green room, I heard some

clunking and crashing and he just went smooth dishwashing mom

Oh my God, he burned Stephanie? Yeah. I laughed so hard. I couldn't even believe the attitude. Real smooth, Mom. Yeah, smooth dishwashing, Mom. I love that. Well, he's inherited your dry wit. Yeah, I guess he has. He has. I'm excited and terrified to hear how that develops as the years go by.

go on. But it made me laugh really hard. But it felt very much like what you just said. Maybe that'll be my new catchphrase. Get a clue? Get a clue, you guys. Get a clue about this. You ever notice how... You ever notice how people don't get clues? Here are some examples of somebody not getting a clue. And then the whole audience shouts, get a clue! Get a clue!

I'd buy that shirt. Yeah. May Martins get a clue tour. Yeah. Yeah. Did you do anything special for, I was about to say for the full moon. And then I thought it's also bisexual awareness week. Did you celebrate? I don't think I did anything. I didn't know it existed, to be honest. I know bisexual people exist, but, um, I didn't know that there was, um,

An awareness week? No, I didn't know. I only knew because I saw on Instagram and then I did a little post about it. And then everyone that likes the post, I'm like, I guess that person's bi. And I'm really trying to read into everyone that likes it. I'm like, are you bi? Wow, they're bi-curious. Yeah, yeah. And then yesterday was the full moon, like a major full moon. And I went kayaking at night on the lake in these light up canoes. They have like

Kind of like Christmas lights almost in them. And you go out on the lake and the moon was like enormous. And it was great. And did you do this by yourself? Can you imagine? Please say you did. I wish I could say I did. No. Kayaking at night in a light up kayak. Just thinking deep thoughts under that big skylight.

Yeah. Or just on your phone, just scrolling through Instagram. Just on Instagram, take a couple selfies and then head back in. No, I did it with actually the great and powerful Toni Collette and my co-star Sarah Gaddon. And it was very magical. Oh, nice. But I felt like I had to I was trying to show off my.

paddling skills. Oh, look at May's paddling skills. That's what they said. My God. They suddenly were doing that voice. Oh, my God. And then you turn and you're like, get a clue. Get a clue, you guys. Wait, you've never seen this before? You've never seen somebody paddle under a full moon? Come on. Please, come on. Get a clue.

And I see your nice new digs in the background. Yeah, this is when I moved to a different Airbnb for the next month. And I like it. Yeah, there's a Pee Wee Herman doll inside that I, it was exactly the one I had as a kid, like from the 80s. And I thought that was auspicious. It came with the house? Yeah, like I walked in and there he was, old Pee Wee welcoming me. You remember the theme song to Pee Wee's Playhouse, the Cyndi Lauper theme song? Mae, I'm older than you.

I didn't watch Pee Wee's Playhouse. I'm sure there are people my age that watched it, but I didn't watch it. I know you love Cyndi Lauper. And yeah, she did the theme song for Pee Wee's Playhouse. How does it go? Well, I'm glad you asked. It goes, come on in, pull yourself up a chair. That's the only part I remember. Come on in, pull yourself up a chair. That's cherry.

Everybody is so excited and your friends have been invited for being wacky at Pee Wee's Playhouse. Okay, if you would have just sang that to me or sung that to me, whatever the word is, I wouldn't have a clue, but it would have reminded me of Those Were the Days. Do you know what that is? Those Were the Days. The Animaniacs theme song?

No, it's not, Mae. What is it? That's from All in the Family. Oh, okay. Yeah, Edith Bunker. And Steve Urkel? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. See, this is, this is, this is, this is, no, no. Archie Bunker, Archie and Edith Bunker. Okay. They were in the 70s. It was a Norman Lear sitcom. They touched on real and...

Intense topic. Yeah. Okay. No Steve Urkel. See, we've got to find some common ground. This is our first solo date. We've got to find our... I cannot find it in Pee Wee's Playhouse or Alf or Cabbage Patch Dolls. I missed all of that. I was smoking, you know? I was smoking and wet my pants in a treehouse, you know? Sorry. You wet your pants in a treehouse? I wet my pants everywhere. Yeah. What?

Yeah. He couldn't hold it? No, I was like wet in my pants. Like the world was my toilet. Are you serious? And yeah, just still smoking and being cool and coming up with excuses why I'm wet. Like, oh yeah, fell in a puddle. Anyway, let's keep going guys.

You know, okay, this at some point, we got to dissect this on the main pod, because this is too much. I didn't realize that you were wetting your pants all over. Oh, way too long, too. I mean, I wet the bed, but I wasn't up in the tree. I wet that too. Of course, you got it. Yeah, yeah. You got it. Got to. I'm asleep. Of course, I'm going to wet this thing. Exactly. What do you what am I going to do? Get up? Also, I'm awake and I'm going to wet my pants too. Exactly.

See, that's where we diverge. That's where I'm like, you're having a cigarette and just pissing your pants.

Absolutely, Mae. And I'm happy to go into more detail on the main podcast called Handsome that also stars Fortune Feimster. Now, on Pretty Little Episodes, we take questions from our listeners. Do you want to do that now, Mae? I'd love to. Yeah. Yeah. That's why we're here. Yeah. Mr. Thomas, hit it. Hey there, handsome little cowboys. My name is Cheryl. I live in Chattanooga, Tennessee. I'm a

My question for you is, if you could solve any great mystery, what would you choose to solve? This could be why the Stonehenge was built or who built it, what happened to Roanoke County, Bermuda Triangle, things like that. If you could be the one to find the true answer to one of life's great mysteries, what would you choose?

Okay, man, right on the heels of talking about wet my pants and smoking cigarettes. I was obsessed with the Bermuda Triangle. And what's her name that was flying? Amelia Earhart. Amelia Earhart. Oh, man, that was like, as soon as I'm old enough, I am going to go to the even though it scared the hell out of me. I was like, I'm going to the Bermuda Triangle and I'm going to find her. I

Yeah, I really relate. That lights you on fire when you're a kid. You're like, sorry, what? Yeah. And I thought for sure she was still on an island, like that she crashed and she was eating coconuts, which sadly you wouldn't live. I wouldn't be able to. Yeah. That's so sad.

somewhere just off the grid. Oh, I thought she had like jeans that were all ratty at the bottom, you know, like a pirate. We've never solved the Bermuda Triangle. And that is, it is a thing, right? It's like... We meaning me and you. Yeah, we have not solved that. And it's long overdue.

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Why have we not gotten around to that yet? I don't know, Mae. You're out kayaking in the middle of the night and I'm wetting my pants in Toronto. At least I'm near the water. I'm kind of edging closer. But it's confirmed that that is a real thing, right? Like that people's navigational devices get all messed up there. Or it's not a myth. It's like there's some truth to it, right? I mean, I think it's true that there have been crashes a good amount. Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know. Honestly, once I got a little older, I never thought about it again. Quicksand is like that. When you're a kid, you're thinking about it every day and then you never think about it again. Oh my God, and leprosy. I was convinced I was going to get leprosy, get stuck in quicksand. But that's not even a mystery. None of those are mysteries that I would want to...

to solve. Mine is a true crime mystery that I desperately need the answer to. And I would like to solve it and I can't and nor can anybody else. Is it JonBenet Ramsey? It is May. Is it really? It is. I lived in Colorado when that happened. Yeah. And I remember waking up and hearing about the murder and

Oh, my God. Yeah. And my first girlfriend and I actually drove out to Boulder. She lived in – well, no, she was living in Denver at the time. But we drove out to Boulder and drove past the house just like – You're kidding. No. This was like right when it was all going on. I think I would have done that too. Yeah. At the time – because now I feel like the –

prevailing theory is the brother did it that's like and the parents covered it up for in order to protect him or but that's just one of many theories right at the time was everyone like it was the parents or it was a random intruder yeah i kind of don't remember now that it's like 30 years ago yeah which is so crazy that jean bonnet would have been like 36 at this point or something yeah but

Yeah, I don't know what the initial thought was, whether it was an intruder, the dad or whatever. But what blows my mind is that there was DNA on her that didn't match anybody in the house. And there were no footprints in the snow outside of the house. Yeah, that's fucked up.

Yeah, those two things contradict each other. They sure do. Oh, man. Okay, I'm going to go on a deep dive after this. Yeah. I mean, I hope she's with Amelia Earhart on an island somewhere. I hope so. Trying to make phone calls with coconuts and what have you. My mystery is...

one called the Dyatlov Pass incident, which is there were nine... Classic May. This is in Russia. There were these hikers and they went and they were all experienced hikers and they went missing and they were found. And the details are so bizarre. And to this day, no one really knows what happened. They were found. So, okay.

A few of them were in their tent, dead. They had swapped clothes. So they were wearing each other's clothes. The tent had been ripped open from the inside. They had suffered major internal organ damage as if they'd been hit by a car, but there were no external injuries. Then they follow the tracks and they find these, the rest of them basically. One of them is kneeling facing a stone wall. His tongue has been removed.

Then there's one of them, I think his eyes are gone or something, and their clothes are radioactive. So it's like aliens or... That's a busy day. It's a busy day. There was some theory that they were testing Russian atomic weapons or something nearby, but it's all really spooky. Yeah, it makes me feel like, why am I even...

interested at all in JonBenet. Right, right. I mean, some people were like it was an avalanche, so that was the impact of the snow that gave them those injuries. But things like swapping clothes and...

wandering away in a blizzard from your tent. Like, I guess hypothermia might make you crazy and you might decide you got to swap clothes. But why would you have your tongue missing? Yeah. Did anyone ask why would you have your tongue missing? Yeah. Oh, actually, maybe they forgot to ask. And they, yeah, you got to go on Wikipedia and do a deep dive because I'm probably...

sensationalizing it. It probably has been solved, but I kind of, I've spent a good year getting pretty into it. Yeah. You don't have time to Google that and I don't have time to research the Bermuda Triangle or really anything. We want to keep them mysteries in our mind. Yeah. It's like Jean Benet happened nearly 30 years ago.

or it was 30 years ago. And I was like, whoa, this is mind blowing. And then I never looked into it again. So I guess I'm not really that passionate about it, but I do wish in a very serious sense, I wish they would figure it out because then in a very curious sense, it's just a real mystery. Yeah.

I would like a list of every Hollywood actor who's secretly gay as well. That would be nice. Like before I die, I just want to see the list. You don't want to know who's secretly bisexual. I mean, that would tie into bisexual day. That seems like more of a mystery. Yeah, you're right. Okay. I know. I want that too, but in a separate category. I

found out recently that Alison Brie is bisexual I didn't know that I didn't know that I didn't know that and I know Alison I would think that she would be dropping that left and right

She's the best. I know her a little bit too. No, that's a win for us. Yeah. For us bisexuals. Yeah, good for you. Yeah. And good for Allison. And great question about mysteries. And let's hear Cheryl's answer. I think I would choose to solve who is or was the Zodiac Killer. I feel like that would just be a huge...

Revelation, we could figure out so many details about

give peace to so many families that were affected and it would just be so interesting. But yeah, that would be mine. That's a good one. What if you don't like the answer? What if it turns out it's your grandpa or Dick Van Dyke or some other beloved? What if you find out Dick Van Dyke is your grandpa? Yeah. After all the research. Yeah, you find out he's the Zodiac Killer. Then you find out he's your grandpa. And then you find out you're John Benet Ramsey.

Oh, what a twist. Wouldn't see any of that coming. At the Emmys, Thomas and I sat right behind Dick Van Dyke. I saw the photo of just Thomas leaning in, trying to secretly get a photo with Dick Van Dyke. God, he's amazing. I was secretly doing it. Also, a big moment was I heard something fall on the floor.

And I looked down and it's a pack of gum. And I was like, now's my chance. And it fell out of Dick Van Dyke's pocket. And so... Oh, my God. Yeah. I leaned forward and he was sitting there with his wife. And I said, oh, this fell on the ground. And she said, oh, that's his Nicorette. He's famous for that. And I said...

He's famous for other things, too. Wow, Nick Corrette. Yeah, yeah. And he was chewing it the whole night. Wow. He's 98. I can't believe, like...

when you're that old that you would sit through an award show. I know, I know, I know you'd, I'd want out of there. Yeah. I'd want to be canoeing in the middle of the night, but yeah. Anyway, um, should we take one more question? Yeah, let's take one more. Okay. Hi, handsome. My name is Laura. I'm 38 from Oceanside, California. And my question is if you could have a celebrity that is no longer with us, ask a question on the pod, who would it be and why?

That's a good one. That's really good boy. I love that phrase no longer with us. Like, because when you say us, it makes the world seem so much smaller. I know. Yeah. Us the living. Yeah. Us the hangers on. Us the living. No longer part of the team.

he's no longer with us. Yet when they were alive, it wasn't a feeling of us. No, when they were alive, you ostracized them, if anything. They ostracized us. Yeah. Oh, fuck, that's good. I mean, I feel like one we could agree on would be like,

a Beatle, you know, I was gonna say John Lennon. Yeah, like, I think, wait, I thought you weren't much of a John Beatles fan. You're joking, right? No, that's fortune. My whole identity is being a Beatles fan. Oh, me too. Yeah, we have a deep and their solo albums. And yeah, terrible memory fortunes, the one that's into like, Jimmy Buffett.

Jimmy Buffett and Beanie Babies. Yeah, John Lennon, what do you think he'd ask? Hello, hansoms. It's John. Oh, that's fun. Let's see. What would he ask? I want to know.

Can you imagine all the people? I don't know. He'd ask something about world peace, maybe. Or he'd do, sometimes he's kind of whimsical, nonsensical. He'd be like, how's your turtle? I can't do that. That's good. How's your turtle is very, yeah. How's your turtle? Yeah.

I like to, I guess I imagine he might ask, have we heard any updates on Yoko or Sean or Julian? You know, maybe he'd be interested in his family. That's what I, if I came back and my one thing was,

Was to ask a question on a stupid podcast. Yeah, that's his only form of communication with us, the living. I think he might. Yeah. Or maybe he'd be like, who's the Zodiac killer? Yeah. Who's JonBenet? Or he might wonder if the Beatles ever got back together. Because you know that there's been talk forever that Julian...

would um sit in for john and then paul has a son james mccartney yeah and then and then would sean do it or sean's i i don't know i mean yeah i don't know why i'm asking you yeah i don't have a direct connection to any of them i thought i did as a kid my my goal in life as a child

As a small child smoking and wetting my pants, I wanted to be the fifth Beatle. And they had already broken up. But I still thought it was possible. Do you remember when the Beatles anthology came out? It was the first time the four of them were together in a room and played at some instruments. Yeah. Okay, John Lennon is our answer, maybe. I would be so curious. I'm always curious about...

rock stars um that i was obsessed with that died people like kurt cobain and john lennon and stuff i'm always so curious for them to come back to life and and i want to hear their take on the state of music now yeah and politics and i want them i want to know what they think about their wife and how you know like what would kurt cobain think about courtney love i

Because she wasn't terribly grungy after a while in ways. She was an actor for a while. Yeah. Yeah. She got a little glamorous. And then her daughter is so – their daughter is so cool. Frances Bean? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Paul has, I think, aged –

Pretty gracefully and musically. I mean, not that I love his recent albums, but there's always a couple on there that are great. And he's like, I like how he how respectful he is of his legacy and the Beatles. And yeah, yeah. But I wonder if John would have started trying to do like rap or something because he was very experimental. He might have tried to evolve with like a Billie Eilish style rap.

Can I hear a John Lennon rap out of you? Oh, sure. Okay. Humpty Dumpty. Oh, this is good. That's kind of what he would be like. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. My wife, Yoko, gave me a call. She told me, John, I've got to have an apple. I said, well, have you heard of my- That's the name of your label. There you go. Well done, Maeve.

Okay, well, I hate to cut you off, but should we hear Laura's answer? Yeah, let's. I really like that rap. And my answer would be Janis Joplin. I think she would have had a really cool question and it would have been a total vibe. Anyway, thanks for the comic relief. We all appreciate it. And I'll hear you later. Bye.

Wait, I didn't understand what she said. It would be Janis Joplin and then what? And it would be a vibe, she said. Oh, it would be a vibe. Yeah, sure. I also love that we're comic relief and it's like that kind of implies that just the world is tough and that we all need comic relief from just life. I like that. And do you not find the world tough? Oh, no, I'm with you. I'm with you, Laura. It's tough. Yeah, it's tough. Janis Joplin, I feel like, would be like

It's all the same fucking day, man. Right? Can I hear her rap? Her rap? Okay, it would be like this. Wait, please tell me it starts with Humpty Dumpty also. Oh, of course it does, yeah. It's Humpty Dumpty, I'm not a fan. Humpty Dumpty, stick it to the man. Playing my guitar, trying to be free, dude. All these nursery rhymes, got so much attitude. Yeah.

That is not as good as the other one. No, it wasn't. It was really good. It's better than I could do. But man, I'll never forget Humpty Dumpty. My wife Yoko gave me a call.

That was really good. Oh, God. Yeah. This was a joy. This was a real pleasure. It was a real pleasure or pledge. Lovely to see you. And I you. And us, the living. And us, we. And yeah, let's. And Thomas, lest we forget. Lovely to see you as always, Thomas. Yeah. Great seeing you, May.

Thomas and his mustache. All right. Well, until next time, keep it pretty handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!

When you're a homeowner, you can be subject to some unpleasant surprises. Unexpected repairs and maintenance issues you never saw coming. Well, here's at least one pleasant surprise. Allstate can save you money on your home insurance. Check Allstate first and you could save $574 on your home insurance. No hassle, just savings.

you're in good hands with Allstate. Not available in every state. Based on the national average annual savings for new home insurance customers surveyed in 2023 who switched to Allstate and reported savings. Savings vary.