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We have just unboxed our new merch. I am holding up a very cool black Pretty Little Lady shirt with colorful writing. Let's be clear. You don't have to be a lady to wear a Pretty Little Lady shirt. I want to see...
dudes, I want to see non-binary people. If you are feeling like a pretty little lady that day, rock the tea. Yeah. I have the exact same shirt on. Yeah. And I'm a pretty little lady with a mustache. Yeah, you are. Now I'm unveiling...
What I am so pumped about, it's a sleeveless t-shirt right here that says, keep it handsome. Yes. Now, I love these kind of tees going swimming. Of course. You're a lesbian. I don't like to show all my bits, you know. But check out handsomepod.com. We got more new stuff. Socks. Socks. Enamel pins. A new hat. And a new hat. And it's my birthday. Hat.
Happy birthday to me. So for a limited time, when you order anything from the website, you're going to get a free little cowboy sticker. Oh, I've seen it. It's a sultry little cowboy May. Yeah. On a hay bale. This is a sticker not to miss. And it's free with your purchase. Free. You're going to love this new merch. We are super stoked about it. So yeah, go to handsomepod.com and get yours. Hey.
Welcome to the handsome pod. It's your boy Mae Martin on this lovely afternoon joined of course by my very handsome co-host Tig Notaro and Fortune Feimster. Hi guys.
Hello, friends. Hello. You guys, I've missed chatting with my friends on the handsome pod. Every minute that I'm not chatting with you guys.
It's a minute wasted. But here's the good news. What's that? Today, I had a photo shoot and I've got some makeup on. So I'm a little bit of a pretty little lady. Oh my, I can see. You're very much a pretty little lady. And I know it's probably not noticeable to you, but it is to me. Your eyes for sure. Yeah, your eyes are popping. Can you come closer? Come closer. Hmm.
Oh, look at that mascara. See, I knew fortune was attracted to me. I get the vibe. I can appreciate my friend's beauty. Gosh, always trying to make it sexual. That's me. That's you in a nutshell. Relentlessly.
I'm like, Tig, stop talking about sex, you perv. I know. Speaking of, how's the relationship going, Mae? Oh. You know, it's good. It's pervy as usual. And yeah, I was thinking the other day. And parvy. It's pervy parvy. Oh, that's horrible. Let's not make that kick off.
I was thinking because, you know, I love to date. I love going on dates and I have my like questions that I like to ask on my dates. And I was thinking that's kind of a shame. I don't know. I can't pepper a stranger with questions anymore. Oh, yeah. You can pepper parv with it, right? I could pepper perv with it.
Hey, don't call her that. We don't want it to take off, remember? Yeah, you're right. Do not call her. Don't call her pervy parv. Oh, God. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. When we first started dating, there were a lot of questions flying at her. I don't know. Do you guys want some now? Can I get some off my chest? Yeah, give us your questions you asked. Okay. If you were alone in the cockpit of a Boeing 737. Okay.
And you had the radio controllers on the radio telling you exactly how to land the plane. Do you think you could do it? No, absolutely not.
Really? Two against one. You think you could, Mae? Yeah, which is weird because I can't drive a car, but I feel like I could land a plane. If they were really talking me through it, yeah. I don't know. I would be so nervous. Yeah, well, that goes without saying. And what would that sound like? You nervous trying to land a plane. Come in, Fortune. We want you to just reach out with your right hand. You should see a button there. Okay. Okay, I want you to... Hold on.
Just take a deep breath. Come on, Fortune! There's a lot of people on this flight. My baby! See, there's a woman that has a child, and I don't... Their lives are in your hands. Push the buttons! I was just trying to go to the bathroom, and I just... In the cockpit? Well, it was beside the cockpit, and then they had me come in here because the pilots passed out, and I don't even understand why I'm...
Because you're the co-pilot. Oh, wait, I'm the co-pilot. Down here, we're all big fans of your comedy, and we know you can do it. Just press the button. I appreciate that. I mean, it was a weird choice to leave comedy to go into piloting. Some call it flying. And the plane's crashing. You left it too long. See? And everyone's...
everyone's mad at me now yeah no everyone's dead yeah well there were no survivors all right so that one that's a good question what's the next one okay you have a year to prepare and you know like the a mall like yeah picture a mall and uh
you've got a year to prepare and you know at the end of the year they're gonna block off all the windows and turn off all the lights so it's pitch black in there they're gonna give you a two hour head start and then they're gonna release hannibal lecter in there to get you so you have a you've had a year to prepare you can learn the layout of the mall fortune's pissed what
I was just trying to go to the bathroom. Let's just remind everyone, we're on a date right now. I like to know how people respond under pressure. Also, I didn't see Silence of the Lambs. I know, or Lamb. You never saw it? Can we just skip that part when I say I haven't seen something? Jodie Foster is asking for your lesbian card back. Okay, well, listen. Hello, Tig.
So he's a psychiatrist and he's a cannibal and he's super smart and he will have had a file on you for a year as well. And all you've got to do is survive 12 hours in there. And you have a two-hour head start to hide somewhere, barricade yourself in. You can use whatever you... But if he catches you, he's eating you. Okay, the cannibal is let loose. Are cannibals eating you because...
They are hungry and they think it, they desire humans. I think it's a power thing. I think it's like a,
a fetish almost. Like I think he's got a taste for it and it's almost a challenge to his intellect. Like he knows you've had a two hour headstart and he's like, can I, knowing what I know of you find where you would hide in this mall? So I guess the question is, do you think you could elude him? And then you would go by the bath and body works in the mall and you would be tempted to say, put the lotion in the basket. Yeah.
Yeah, you could cover yourself in lotion also so he wouldn't smell you. Is that a line from the movie? Yes. Okay. And Fortune would not... You've never even heard that quote. You've never heard anyone say, put the lotion in the basket. I heard it like 30 seconds ago when you said it. Have you ever heard, hello Clarice? Yes, I've heard that. I know Fortune would not live through this because...
Fortune, I'm sorry, but you would be somewhere crying like you did in the cockpit. I'd be in the Panda Express.
he'd be waiting in line at panda express where nobody was in line i'm eating some crab rangoons right now and some uh orange chicken and then i would have wasted all that time fortune that might actually get in his head because he'd be like no one's ever not been scared of me before he might respect it yeah okay where would i be i'd go i think you would i think
you I'd be at fashion photo where you go get your picture taken in the mall there or testing out a mattress trying to find your sleep number mm-hmm I don't think you guys have got the point of this challenge urgency urgency
urgency is not there yeah i just assume we had two hours to hang out at a mall i would barricade myself in somewhere for two hours and but then he's got 12 hours to try to get through the barricade so maybe i'd build a fake barricade and then i'd hide like in plain sight almost did you ask this question on a date or this is a question that you were not able to ask on a date
I hate to admit I've asked it many times on a date. Okay, give us some answers. And also, did you hear from these people ever again? Yeah, yeah.
I think so. The answer that is a big turnoff for me is when people go, oh, yeah, for sure. I could take him. Yeah, no problem. I've had a year to prepare. I'm going to find somewhere to hide. I'm like, you don't. This is Hannibal Lecter. They haven't thought about it enough, have they? And you literally get turned off. Yes. Yeah. Because I'm like, he's had a file on you and he will get on the...
the PA system and go, hello. This is the kind of thing that you and Parvati would get into an argument about, like how you're saying the other night that when we were recording, whatever it was that you two got into an argument about, and it was a hypothetical. And it turned into a real argument. Yeah. This feels. Yes. Teed up. I agree. What an unattractive quality of mine. Why would you do that? Yeah. It's so stupid. A cannibal's coming after you. He has a file.
You literally said, he has a file on you. Yeah, you can't escape him. There's a Manila file. The much-anticipated sequel to the Hannibal movies is just me in a mall in the dark. Yelling at Parvati. Yelling at Parvati, he's going to get us, babe. Babe, he is. He's going to get us. I do like that you have questions because then there's no...
Like silence. I hate silence. Oh, you wouldn't like me. And then, oh, you leave a lot of space in there, Tig? I feel like I'm probably more talkative in the earlier days of a relationship, whereas now Stephanie has her issues with me where she thinks I don't talk enough. Oh, really? Yeah.
It's very powerful not to fill every silence. Like I can imagine on a date me being very taken with you if you were just kind of waiting for me to fill. Well, it's not that. That's what I'm saying is if we were on a date, I'd probably be talking more. But in my marriage, which Stephanie and I have talked about many times publicly, she'll call me. She'll want to talk about something. Mm.
and i'm listening but stephanie is very very chatty yeah she talks a lot she was born to chat she's born to chat tattoo btc i knew someone yeah and so i'll listen i'm on the phone listening yeah and then she'll say out of nowhere hello and i say hello and she's like are you there
And I say, yeah, I'm listening. And she's like, okay, well, I haven't heard a single word or noise. It's just silent. And I'm like, well, I'm just listening to you. And she's like, well, it would be nice if there was some noise. And so I now, I'm like, oh, that is a really good point. Yeah.
It's a really good point. Couldn't have said it better myself. Are there any more details you'd like to give? You just sneeze once every couple minutes. Yeah. Yeah.
But see, I feel like a lot of women have that problem with men thinking men aren't listening, but you're actually listening. I was listening. You're just not responding. You're like, was a response required? Those are the questions I have. And then she's like, oh my God, I'm just telling you something and you should just be...
Like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And then what did he say? And I'm like, it sounds like you should have married a gay man. Girl, do not leave out a detail. No.
I'll spend an entire evening with somebody and they're telling me some huge juicy story and I come home and I'm like, oh my God, you're not going to believe it. So-and-so is cheating on this person and Stephanie's like, where did they meet that? And I'm like, oh, I don't know. She's like, what do you mean you don't know? What?
How do you not ask? And I'm like, I don't know. I was just listening to them. I didn't feel like it was appropriate to pry. If you're a homeowner who doesn't want to deal with switching your home insurance, we understand. Switching can feel like a lot of work. That's why Allstate is dedicated to making finding a lower home insurance rate as easy and simple as possible. Check Allstate first and you could save $574 on your home insurance.
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I love pistachios, my friends. They're the perfect snack, whether you're having a busy day or relaxing with friends. Wonderful pistachios, no-shells flavors, come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted, honey roasted, sea salt and vinegar, smoky barbecue, and
sea salt and pepper, and the new addition, jalapeno lime, with the same great taste and health benefits as traditional pistachios. No shells flavors make snacking a breeze. I, too, Tig, am a big fan of pistachios. They're such a perfect snack. As soon as I got to Toronto, the first thing I bought was wonderful pistachios. And I love that you don't have to deal with those shells because pistachios
listen i'll dig into a shell for pistachio but this is just so easy you pop them in your mouth i take them on trips they are so good so visit wonderfulpistachios.com to learn more that's wonderfulpistachios.com you take what you're given then you yeah and then i'm like okay well i'll go home i'll tell stephanie what happened and she i call her my name for her is question head yeah and
And she calls me idea head. You're coming up with ideas, though. I mean, that's something. I come up with a lot of ideas. She comes up with a lot of questions. I know you do because you came into this recording being like, we got to learn three songs. Your idea. Yeah. Well, because I was presenting that maybe we should start a handsome band.
I really am on board. I feel like you're like the Paul McCartney of this group because you're sort of the way Paul would be like, guys, let's make another album. Like you're the engine. I could play drums. Yeah. May, guitar. Yeah. Thomas on keys. Mr. Thomas. And then lead singer, Fortune.
I mean, all we need to do is learn three stupid songs and then we open for ourselves at our live shows. Everyone call in right now. Let us know how you feel about that. And if we should or shouldn't start the handsome. Yeah. Call in. We don't have a number, but nope. But you know where to find us.
Give us a ring-a-ding. We're waiting here for your call. I feel like I know what the songs should be. The first two should be like a Jimmy Buffett song, maybe a Sherry Berry, and then I feel like we have to do a Hanson song. Hanson. Oh, like, ooh.
Well, we should probably cover songs that we've mentioned like Come to My Window. Yeah. Some gay songs. Yeah. Every song is gay. Let's be honest. Some are gayer than others. We've had the Indigo Girls on here. They wouldn't mind if we sang one of their songs. I'm trying to tell you something about my life. I just went, in my mind, I went cut to us involved in a huge lawsuit with the Indigo Girls. Yeah.
-They wouldn't mind. -We're tearing the community apart. -Did you see the Brady Bunch where they were in court and somebody had a neck brace on? -No. -The attorney threw his briefcase
So it would make a huge noise. And then the person with the neck brace turned their head. That's a good one. Yeah. That stuff happens in real life. I was reading a news article that a woman was got in a car accident. She was suing for damages. And they found a picture online a couple of days after this car accident that
She was competing in a Christmas tree throwing contest. No. Where you take old Christmas trees and see how far you can throw. But she was claiming that she'd been injured by them. Saying that she had hurt her neck and her back. Oh, my God. And they go, well, then how did you do this? I don't know how they presented it in court. I'm just imagining it was something like, well, what about this tree?
Look how far it went. Can you do that with a hurt back? I feel like Tig and I have just fallen in love with a new character, which is your prosecution attorney. Yeah, you the lawyer. Well, what about this? What about that? I'm going to have a PowerPoint presentation, a clicker that I'm furiously clicking. I'm more interested in the slide. Slide. Slide. Slide.
I'm more interested in the Christmas tree throwing contest. I don't know where this happened. It might not have even been in this country. It might have been another country. Doesn't matter where it was. I just love that it was happening. And it reminds me of when I was a teenager, I would get up to stuff. Let's just say.
And one of my favorite pastimes after the Christmas holiday season was when people put their Christmas trees out on their curb. Well, guess who snuck out of their house and went around dragging Christmas trees out into the street, creating obstacle courses. No. Yes, it did. And then would hide and watch carnival.
cars come around the corner and you could tell by the way the car was moving that they were like what in the hell oh my and then they would drive nobody would move the trees they would just drive around the trees just zigzag down the street and it was darn kids yes yes i mean we've talked about your how you like pranks before that is a real new one
And also just the amount of time of you dragging these trees. It's no big deal. You have a friend or two and you drag a tree out and it has this like wooden cross already at the bottom of the tree. And then you just set it up in the street and the cars just zigzag around them. And as a teenager...
So you're saying them are standing up? Yes. Oh, my God. Okay, that is way funnier. Oh, I was picturing them laid down. No, no. They're on the little crisscross that they're hammered the nails to. That is funnier for some reason. Yeah, for obvious reasons. Because a car is zigzagging around Christmas trees. Until that one car just blows.
burst right through one nobody did that's good me and my friends were like laughing till we wet our pants in the bushes waiting for cars to come by oh my god and it was also i would create situations i wanted to be in or i wanted to see you know like i would i'd give anything to turn a corner and have to zigzag through christmas trees in the middle of the night
Because reality is boring. That's why I do escape rooms. Because I want there to be weird stuff happening that I'm not expecting, you know? My brothers and I would throw snowballs at cars back when we were teenagers, thinking that was hilarious. And then one guy in a truck, like a giant truck, stopped in the middle of the road and
and he had on... Did he throw it in reverse? He threw it in reverse and had those big headlights that you can like move. We were like pissed our pants of not laughing but being terrified and this guy was like, who did that? And we were like, oh my God. Did you get caught by him? No, we ran like crazy but that was the last time we ever did that. Here's my other thing I did and this is
so bad i would go and take people's like table chairs the umbrella that goes in the middle of the table and set that up in the street you would get that out of their backyard yes ma'am and put tell the members of the court why you were and then dick did that slide slide slide we
So you would go to like, you're setting up outdoor furniture just in the street. That is so funny. I would be like, this neighbor is the worst. Okay. But I would, I wouldn't do it on my street. I would go, you know, yeah, go somewhere else. And, uh, oh my God, there was this other thing. I, I,
This is the last one. There was, like, it wasn't a farm. It was kind of like a junky house with, like, piled up old rusty cars. But they also had horses and cows roaming around. Yeah.
They had signs down their property where, you know how you read one sign, then you drive a little further, you see another sign. And it said... Yeah, in a cartoon. No, this happened where I was living. It said, come get your scoop from the king of poop. Okay? Okay.
Wait, that was an increments. That was in one word at a time. Yeah. And they have poop. Well, they had cow manure for farmers to come get for people to, you know, yeah, put in their gardens or whatever to grow. Oh, and so I took the sign that said the king of poop.
That was the final one. And I put it in this guy's front yard at my school that was not nice. That's really good. I just see you roaming around your town up to pranks. Always. Always. Take strikes again. Yeah, I would watch this TV show. That's... I mean, I'm...
Is it just like having enough time and sort of boredom to like, would we still do that if we had more time? Oh, they have ring cameras now. I would. I would. Because you know why? Because we could do as we spoke about earlier on a previous episode. We wear a horse costume and nobody knows it's us. We could.
clip-clop down the street and be like, well, there's that horse again. I don't know who's doing all these pranks, but... There's that horse pulling all the table and chairs and umbrellas out into the street. I think you two would be up to this. I'm too much of a rule follower. I would be too nervous. Yeah, you'd be stressed. It'd be two against one. You'd do it, Mae, right? Like, you guys, I don't think that this is right. Someone could get seriously hurt. And I'd be like, I know it's not. I know you think it's fun and games, but someone could get hurt and I'm going home. Yeah.
At my camp, my summer camp, someone did the best prank I'd heard of, which was that they had already loosened all the screws on the cabin. It was like a cheap plywood cabin that some of the staff slept in. And so while someone was asleep in there, they then unscrewed all the took away the walls of the cabin. So when she woke up, she was just exposed to the woods. They did it so quietly and carefully. Yeah.
And they also, it was the year that the Blair Witch Project came out and this group of staff, yeah, and we're in the woods and they went out to watch it on their day off. Put your lotion in the basket. Yeah.
I like that version of Silence of the Lambs where it's just a nice little old lady. An old lady. I put the lotion in my basket. Do you want me to put lotion on your hands? Okay, go ahead. So they go on their day off to see the Blair Witch Project and other staff members knowing that these...
staff members would be coming back, they parked blocking the road that led into the camp so that the staff would have to get out of their car and walk alone down the road through the woods at night. And then like hiding at different places in the woods. No, girlfriend. Jumping out at them. Nope. It was great. Hard pass. No. The most I ever did was toilet paper scrimmage.
Some people's houses. That was our big, like rebellious thing we did was some toilet paper. Does it still haunt you? Like the guilt of it? You're like tossing and turning. Oh, I feel so bad. I think about that because they probably had to go out there with their parents to clean it up.
You know, that toilet paper gets all the way up in the trees and... I can one-up you something even worse. I had been acting up in my science class in seventh grade and was sent out to sit in the hall. And me and two, maybe one or two people were sitting in the hall. Did that happen in your school? Like if you got in trouble, you had to go sit in the hall? Yeah. Well, that is not the place you put kids that are acting up. Yeah.
Because then you're just sitting in the hall. Yeah. And our class was at the end of the hall near the bathroom. So I suggested, why don't we toilet paper the school during school hours? Oh, no. So the doors to exit the school were at the end of the hall by the bathrooms. And so we went and we were like,
pulling all of the toilet paper out going out and just toilet papering the bushes and everything and then the teacher from across the hall from my science class came out and we were like
like mid toilet papering with just toilet paper all in our hands. Just like, what are you doing? Toilet papering the school. Is this when you look like Dave Grohl? Long hair. Yeah, that was soon after. No, it was seventh grade. The picture you saw when I was smoking and changing the tire. That was 19. I was 19. Gotcha. But same vibe. Same dig. Right. Yeah.
Would the teachers call your parents and stuff? Like, did your parents know you were a little troublemaker? Oh, my God, yes. Yeah. You know, I failed three grades and dropped out of high school. I have a seventh grade education. Everyone's well aware. Yeah. Yeah. I used to smoke in my bedroom. What an overachiever. Yeah.
We should probably put a warning at the beginning of this episode in case people's kids are listening. Don't do what Tidge did. Yeah, in case Hannibal Lecter's listening.
Put your lotion in the basket. Well, look at you now. Yeah. Should we get into our question? Yeah, let's do our question. Yeah, let's do it. I'm excited. Today's questioner is an Emmy-nominated comedian, actor, and TV host who hosts the Netflix baking competition show Nailed It.
She's so funny. You can watch her special Nicole Byer, Big Beautiful Weirdo on Netflix. And she's also the host of the podcast, Why Won't You Date Me, which I have been on and it was so fun and funny. And best friends with Nicole Byer and Sashira Zamata. Nicole Byer is our questioner today. Let's hear what she has to say. Handsome Nicole. Hey, Take Fortune and May. It's Nicole Byer and I have a question for you all.
Okay, what kind of animal would you like to have as a pet that's like not a normal pet? So like, it can't be like a dog, cat, I guess a fish. Like it can't be any of the normal things that you can get at like a pet co or something.
-May, are you an animal person? -I'm not sure quite what you mean, but do I like animals? -Yes. -Oh, yes, big time. I don't know if I thought you meant was I like a furry or like had some fetish. I don't know what you think of that. -I assume you have fetishes because you're May Martin. -May, are you a furry? -No, I'm a big animal. I'm desperate for a dog, but I think I travel too much. -Do you like cats?
I don't, but I, as a kid, like, so my mom promised us a goat. I was in grade three and she was like, I think we were on vacation. She said, when we get back, I'm going to get us a goat and we'll keep it in the garage. Yeah, that didn't happen, but we were so disappointed. We got a, but we did get guinea pigs and hamsters. Yeah, very different. A goat would be great, I think. Then you could have goat milk. What was that accent? That's what goats talk like, no? No.
Then you have goat milk. Hey, come over here. Let me talk to you. But truly, what was the connection there? I've got goat milk.
What is the connection there? Is that a Russian mafia goat? I'm a goat. Hey, you want some of this milk? Come here. She's the goat for goat milk. Come here. Hey, you like goat? You like goat milk? I give you goat milk. As long as you don't eat goat, I give you goat milk. Then you live...
You be happy. I live. I was just actually on my way into the grocery store. I was just going to buy some regular milk, but thank you. Yeah. You don't kill me. You just take my milk and we good. Okay. I don't know where this goat's from. He sounds Russian. That is my goat impression. I like it. Thank you.
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You guys are animal people. We know Fortune's an animal person. Y'all know I'm obsessed with my dog. He is my world and I love him. I've never been obsessed with an animal like I am my dog though.
But I am an animal person. I like animals for sure. So if there were no rules and you could have any, I will tell you, Kirstie Alley? Mm-hmm. Pet lemurs. She got pet lemurs. Those are the little monkeys. They got the long tails. I don't actually know if they are monkeys. They're lemurs. I thought a lemur was of the monkey family, though. Maybe. Hey, Uncle Lemur. I'm going to have to Google it. Welcome to the family. Oh.
Wait, is that your lemur impression?
Yes, you drink my lemur milk. I live, you... You don't kill me. You don't kill me. You just drink my milk. Just drink my lemur milk, okay? And then put your lotion in the basket. Sorry to scare everyone. Oh, lemurs are not monkeys. I sit corrected. What are they, marsupial or something? They fall into the primate family of...
prosimian what is this a fortune fact this is a google fact i see like celebrities often we've talked before about uh justin timberlake and his pet monkey i thought that was justin bieber oh sorry that's what i yes sorry i don't want to spread rumors about justin timberlake yeah justin bieber yeah he listens to this oh every day he relists
I will say real quick before we get into pets more. I did Nicole's show, Nailed It. Oh, the baking one? Congrats, Morchan. Thank you, guys. That was all I wanted to say. Okay, moving on. Those cooking shows on Netflix, I don't know if you guys knew this, are ginormously popular with kids.
Yeah, I have kids. And didn't I send you the video of Max and Finn watching you on Is This Cake? Yeah. I happened to walk into the room and they said, Mary, is that Fortune?
And is that your friend Fortune? It's like, yes. It was so funny. And for a while, that's how they knew you. It was like, Fortune from Is It Cake? I've done Is It Cake? I've done Nailed It? And I've done Sugar Rush. Those are all three baking shows.
On Netflix. And kids are always like, I can't believe a, that they even remember anybody from those shows aside from the host. Yeah. I never knew kids were so into baking and food and all that stuff. And every episode I've just done one and kids are always like, Oh my God. Is it cake? Yeah. It's crazy. Well, that's like the office. I was on one episode so many years ago for like,
one little scene and people will come up to me to this day and be like, were you in the office? Really? Yeah. Yeah. And I always feel like I look like the most generic lesbian. Like if I ever went missing, I would never be found again. You know, I just, I'm five, five brown hair, brown eyes, just lesbian as the day is long. And it's like, how,
do you know who I am? Lesbian is the day as long as you. Lesbian is the day as long. Your memoir title. Yeah. I know there's just certain shows that just kind of stick with people that they're fanatical about them so they watch them a lot. I think kids watch those baking shows over and over again because they're fun and big and bright. Yeah. So it makes me laugh because Nicole's
show nailed it so hugely popular and Nicole's stand-up is not for kids no no they don't know what she's well that's like what's his name Bob Saget that's true Uncle Jesse yeah sorry true dad yeah Thomas can you go back in and edit true dad into everything please yeah periodically just to make Tig look like an active listener
For Stephanie. True dat. True dat. True dat. Oh, yes. True dat, my love. True dat, my love. Or just say word. Word, word. And then sneeze. I don't trust anyone who has like ferrets and lizards, but I think that falls under the category of normal pets because they're just in the pet store. How would you guys feel if you started dating, say we were all single. Uh-huh.
And you started dating someone that has a pet snake.
I don't love it, you know? Yeah. Because you know that story. I can't do it. The woman and so her husband dies and she's so sad and then her pet snake starts sleeping in the bed with her and stretching out. Is this a true story? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like crawling. True that. So it's crawling out of its aquarium or whatever and it's lying next to her in the bed each night. She thinks, oh man, it knows I'm lonely. It's
Guess what? It's sizing her up, huh? It was measuring her by lying next to her in the bed long. And that's what they do before they swallow you whole. And she got swallowed?
It might be an urban legend, but yeah, the idea is... May! May! The anaconda swallowed her. Fortune! I know this has happened to some people. I just don't know if this particular lady had it happen to her. No, it definitely has happened. I also need you to go back and apologize for what you said about lizards because my makeup artist... Mm-hmm.
Stephanie Daniel listens to this podcast and is obsessed with it. And she has a lizard. Did I say something about lizards? May just said that you can't trust people that have lizards. And Stephanie is going to be so broken hearted. Stephanie, listen. Because she loves this show so much. She's ripping up her handsome postcard.
poster as we speak an album her final i spent when feeding it to her lizard i spent so much time buying drugs and parks from people and so many like coke dealers had had like iguanas and lizards like they would walk around with them so i just associate them with kind of greasy long-haired skinny dudes with their lizards on a leash you know so there's
Well, she has long hair, but, you know. She's an exception to the rule. Yes. Or maybe they were exceptions to the rule and there's a great lizard community. There's a big lizard community. Lovely people. Yeah.
I can't. Snakes for me, if there are any handsome fans, please don't hate me. But snakes freak me out. If there's any snakes who are handsome fans. I had to film a scene with the legendary Diane Weiss, one of the greatest actresses there is. Don't know who she is. I don't either. Two against one. The mom at Edward Scissorhands. Oh. Never saw it. Okay. Oh my God.
Y'all are making my heart hurt. She's freaking amazing. I don't doubt it. So I did the show Life in Pieces, and my character, they decided, had a pet python that was like 13 feet yellow python with like beady red eyes. Oh, my God.
And Diane's a big animal person. She has a pet bird. She has all these pets. She's really into animals. And so she was not. Wait, is she a little cuckoo?
Be honest. Be honest. I feel like people that have birds and snakes and a turtle and seven cats. I don't doubt she's amazing, but is she a little cuckoo? Let's be honest. I don't think so. She's not cuckoo at all. Maybe she's eccentric. I don't know. But she was always lovely. Anyway, I'm obsessed with her. She's so cool.
I'm sure the best, but was she supportive of you? Stop. I'm going to start talking about lizards. How dare you? Don't talk about Stephanie's lizards. So they threw this 13 foot python on the bed and I had to have this like
with Diane. She's like an Oscar winner. And I'm like trying to be in the scene with her and make eye contact. We're having a serious moment. And this python starts coming towards us slowly. And they're filming this. And she's not breaking a sweat. She's not breaking eye contact. I'm dying inside. Oh my God. It would like get to right here and then I'd be like, help.
Oh my God. It would come right up to you? They came in and grabbed it and like threw it across the bed. I was losing my mind. Wait, why did they throw it across the bed? That's how they wrangle these snakes. They just grab them and toss them. That was...
The scariest moment of my acting career. Put the lotion in the basket. Scarier than that moment when Tig just... This old lady with her lotion. I don't know. That old lady with the lotion probably has a pet snake. Yes. Well, famously, Buffalo Bill has a little white dog not unlike Biggie. Buffalo Bill, the serial killer from Sons of Lambs. He's like size 14 woman. Yeah, and then Biggie falls...
Sorry, not Biggie, but the little dog falls into the pit where he's keeping the women. And so that's how she's able to trick Buffalo Bill because he loves that dog. He just hates women. Anyway, I think that... Did you know that koalas, their fingerprints are indistinguishable from human fingerprints? So you could get a pet koala and then you could... I don't know how you'd use that to do crimes or something, but...
Yeah, all you people out there looking to do crimes. Maybe you want a koala. I'd like to have something cuddly, like a koala or a wombat is going to be my answer. Something a little marsupial, like a little stuffed animal. Is a wombat cuddly? Yes, you got to follow the wombat accounts on Instagram. If you're not already busy enough. Oh, I do follow a TikTok where they bathe. Is it a beaver? Yeah.
Fortune. Fortune. Fortune. Fortune. Why don't you take a time out? Why don't you mute yourself? No, it's not. Fortune. Fortune. Mute yourself. It's a real beaver. I wasn't talking about a popular lesbian TikTok account.
I was following a beaver count. I don't know if it's a beaver. It's one of those little tiny guys.
And they bathe it, and it's just having the best time of its life. And are you too? Oh, I'm loving every second of it. I bet you are. Okay, we're going to commercial. I'm trying to find it. Hold on, guys. Hold on to your ponties. I love that type of animal, though, like a little waddling little guy. Oh, found it. Of course. I'm sure it was on favorites. Is this a beaver?
Oh, that's a gopher. A gopher? Yeah. Oh, then I'm watching a gopher getting bathed. Well, you're peeping on a gopher? Look at this. Does this gopher... Does this gopher know that their bath is being...
Oh, they are scrubbing it with a brush. Okay, but that's not appropriate if the gopher has not approved. Yeah, and the way it's standing there is kind of sinister. I don't know. But that's kind of, that's what I would, that's what I would pick. Like, I don't. This guy's
bathed. And it's got 1.5 million followers watching this. What are we doing making this podcast? We could just be bathed in a gopher. His name is Marmot in case anyone wants to see a gopher. Okay. It's got almost 40 million views, this guy. I'm posting stand-up clips. I can't get that. What am I doing wasting my time trying to be funny? You have to take a bath.
You got to scrub your hairy belly. I got to just get my hairy belly bathed. Oh, my gosh. Put this on the list, Thomas. This has 284 million views. May and I will come over and give you a bath. Put it on the list, Thomas. This is straying into the lawyer character. This has...
40 million views this is 280 million views watching a gopher getting bathed what are we doing wasting our time it was probably all you watching it over and over again during the thick of the quarantine i used to watch um the bears in alaska yeah they had those cams yeah they have a bear cam i bet
they still do. I don't know why we only got into it. They're hibernating right now. Oh yeah. You don't want to have a pet that hibernates. That's going to be a real bummer. Just farting up, farting in your basement.
Oh, and you know, Natalie Maines, who's been on the pod, has a tortoise. Yes, so does Leonardo DiCaprio, who has not been on the pod, noticeably. But I'm getting a question from him soon. Shut up. Don't toy with me. Because I forgot, the tortoises are land. Is that right? Yeah, and they can live to be 200 years old. And Leo has a really old one. And there was one recently that
That was around when Isaac Newton... May fact. Yeah, I'm hazy on the details, but he was Isaac Newton's buddy. And he died recently. This old tortoise used to hang out with old Isaac Newton. Isn't it crazy? You have to leave your tortoise to someone in your will because they live for so long. They'll leave you. I know. And then you got some relative like, oh, God, what a...
I don't want to. I mean, it's cool. I wouldn't want that. Yeah, but not everybody would want a tortoise handed down to them. I'd want it if like once a year, like on Christmas Eve, once a year, the tortoise can talk and it tells you all the things it's seen. But it can't talk. Yeah, good point. Only the goat can talk.
Only the goat. And the lemur and also lemur. Someone's like, oh, your cousin just died. They've left you a hundred-year-old tortoise.
You're good with that? Yeah, they don't take much maintenance. I don't want it. Well, I will say that my family has an intergenerational rhubarb that my father has got in the garden and it's like hundreds of years old, this plant. And it's like the pressure to not kill this rhubarb because it's...
Is it called perennial or whatever? You know what I mean? It comes at different seasons. Yes. I believe so. You just hope in the spring that it's still alive. It pops back up. That is a lot of pressure. I didn't know anyone could leave someone a plant. Who left you the plant behind your head? This is from HomeGoods.
Is it a real plant or is it a fake plant? It's a fake plant. I thought so. You think I got a green thumb? No. No, I don't. No, I don't. And I'm going to say my animal would be a monkey. Okay. Oh, okay. And if kangaroos weren't deadly killers, I'd have a kangaroo hopping around the house because that would seem so out of control and ridiculous trying to...
Have people over, have a dinner party, and you have a kangaroo. Kangaroo. Kangaroo. Kangaroo. Kangaroo five. And if it behaves badly, you can go, go to your kangaroo room. Oh, May is on fire. I think kangaroos are cute, but Australians get annoyed by them.
Yeah, they're deadly. And there's so many of them. I'm just trying to get to work and there's all these Christmas trees in the road and there's a kangaroo behind each one. No. I think May is winning on this. Yeah, May's doing better. They're so mean. They've got razor blades. How would you say that, May? They'll cut you with a razor blade. I don't know. They'll cut you with a razor blade. I went really nasal. They'll cut you with a razor blade. Oh.
Honestly, I think we're both doing good. I think we're both nailing it. We're from different regions of Australia, sure. That's what it is. But Tig, I'm surprised you'd have a monkey because I feel like it's such a high energy, chaotic element. I mean, comedically, you interacting with that energy would be great. I know. Can you imagine a kangaroo sitting right beside Tig right now and the camera pans over and it's just like, chatting with friends on the handsome pod. Yeah.
Well, that's why I would want it. It would be for that outrageous energy of like, oh my God, here comes a kangaroo. But see, my preference is a cat. That's more my speed. Right. Like I never feel like I can make a dog happy enough. You know, the like...
Yeah. You know, like, what are we going to do? What are we going to do? Where are we going? I'm hungry. You know, whereas a cat's like just staring at you until you get up and feed them. I was just going to say that a monkey has a
As a dog energy, like, but also it would throw its shit at you if you're not, you know, they could throw their poo. Okay, then how about this? Well, no, I love birds so much. Oh, you don't want to put it in a cage though? Right. That's why I have bird feeders around my house so that like I can see them out of my windows. Yeah, my grandma used to have a...
She put a bird bath right by her window, and she had a book of bird species. So when different birds would come to the bird bath, she would look up the bird. Oh, that's really nice. I really like that image. Yeah, my dad feeds the birds every morning and has a relationship with each one, and they come and see him. Yeah, I like that a lot. Feed the birds. So what would your animals be? Toppings. Toppings.
Oh, a penguin would be fun. Waddling around the house. A wombat I want. You want a wombat? Yeah. Well, now that we know how much I love seeing gophers get bathed. Yeah. I think I'm going to have to have one of those little guys and I'm going to have to bathe it. And guess what? Who's about to be a TikTok star, baby? This girl. I think you specifically want... This girl and her hairy belly. Okay.
It'll be me and the gopher together. Well, should we hear Nicole's answer? Yeah. To her own question on Handsome Pod. My answer is I would like to have a kawaka. It is... A kawaka is... It's like a... I don't know what it is. It is a Australian...
Big rat. It's like it's a rat that's the size of like a common cat. And they're always smiling. And there's six there's six and a half pounds. And they're really, really cute. And they just they like will take pictures with you and they'll smile. And I think they're really, really cute. And I don't know if they're deadly or anything. So that's something I'd probably have to figure out before I got my kawaka.
And then I'd have to figure out how to import my kawaka to the United States. But yeah, that's what I want. I want a kawaka. Hmm.
I'm obsessed with her. How do you think you spell that? I don't. I don't know, but there's like a place where they all live and then you could, tourists go and you can take, you feed them and so they come right up and they take selfies with you where they're actually smiling. What? They look a lot like Marmont, like your gopher buddy. Well, see, Nicole was into the Australian thing too. Yeah, like a little cuddly marsupial. That's the vibe. Okay, Thomas just...
sent a link with pictures of quokkas and you got to click it. Oh, those are cute. That looks like the thing that's bathing in my TikTok. They're smiling in selfies. They do smile.
That is ridiculous. Yeah. Okay, I'm sold. I'm sold. Yeah, I'm sold. That person's pretty. Is that Chris Hemsworth? No, it's a quokka. No, that's a quokka. Go down here, buy the quokka. Quokka mole. Quokka mole. Yes. Yes. Great. Great. Quokka mole. And it has an Australian accent. It talks like this.
-Well, you can do the voice, Fortune. -Or with an actual Australian accent. -Yes, let me do the voice. -You guys are both doing several voices on this animated series. -It's like a southerner. -Quack-a-mole. -Quack-a-mole. -Did you say what you wanted, Fortune? -I wanted the gopher, but we're not certain that Marmot's a gopher. -I think we also mainly don't care. -Oh, that is a species. Then I want a marmot. What is it?
Because gophers do seem annoying because they burrow through. You don't want to come outside and your whole yard's torn up. Marmots are large ground squirrels. Takes out. They're living in Asia, Europe, and North America. They're herbivores. Herbivores? I'd say herbivores. Herbivores. They're active during the summer. A summer insect.
loves a good tiki drink. They can often be found in groups. Oh, they hibernate underground during the winter. But that's alright. I'll probably need a break during the winter. Tig, can you wake up? We're just wrapping up the pod. Fortune's done reading. How dare you? Guess who's not going to be invited to my Marmont bath party? Yeah.
You just got uninvited. So I think we need to wrap this up before it becomes even better. Me too. And thank you, Nicole Byer for your wonderful question. Yes. And thank you both for all of, all of the raw vulnerability. And yeah, thanks for all that you do. Both of you know what I'd like to say to you too. What?
Thank you for being a friend. Travel down the road and back again. Your heart is true. You're a pal and a confidant. Okay, I wonder if we can go back and do that again. Wait, where May and I are just staring at you. Invited everyone you knew. You would see the biggest gift would be from me. And the card attached would say, and then all together,
Okay. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for being my friend. Okay. Well, that is... We have to cut that into just a little video. And do you have anything coming up, guys? I do not. I'm about to head to... Oh, it's going to be my birthday in a couple days. Ooh, fun. May's getting older.
Are you excited for the birthday? Do you mind getting older? No, I'm upset about it. Yeah. But yeah, so and then I'm going to Canada, I'm going to be filming. So no live shows for a while. But check out feel good on Netflix or my stand up special sap. If you see me on the street, give me a little hug.
No hugs for me, but go to TigNotaro.com and see where I'll be trying out new material. I've also been doing shows with my lovely wife, Stephanie Allen. And we're doing this segment called She Said, She Said, where we just chat about our life and the audience chimes in whether they have similar experiences in their relationships. Yeah, my special is out.
It's on Amazon called Hello Again. That's right. Thank you, Mae. And if you really want to do a deep dive, I got a show called One Mississippi on Amazon. I got a book called I'm Just a Person. There's a documentary called Tig. Whatever. Check it out. Check it out.
Well, there are only a handful of stand-up dates left after this crazy, fun, 100-city tour. May 11th at the Netflix Is It Joke Festival. I'll be at the YouTube Theater with Matteo Lane, Chelsea Handler, Sam Jay, a bunch of funny comics. May 18th, Toronto, Ontario. Yeah, Canada. Coming to Massey Hall. Might have a special guest.
And then this summer I'm doing some fun casino dates, June 15th, new Buffalo, Michigan, uh, Atlantic city, New Jersey on July 6th, Niagara falls, New York on July 27th and Charlestown, West Virginia, August 10th. Uh, my website, fortunefeamster.com has all those tickets, uh, and information for that. And check out our YouTube page. You can watch us having these stupid conversations, uh,
They are on YouTube. Go there and watch them. Subscribe to our YouTube page. Subscribe to our whatever podcast. And tell a friend. Share an episode. If you like this episode, send it to a friend. And maybe say to them, thank you for being a friend. And then send this. And until then, keep it handsome.
Nailed it. Handsome is hosted by me, Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. Follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!