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Cheers.
Oh yeah, welcome to the handsome pod. It's fortune feimster and it's also may martin and it's also tignotaro And we're handsome Yes, indeed. We are if you like checkered pink shirts hoodies and flannels. We are the three for you I dressed like I was going to church. Yeah, that's a beautiful shirt. Thank you, or i'm going to a like a boating event
Maybe you're taking a boat to church. Neither thing I've done in a long time. Do you boat at all? I'm not a boater. I like boats. But Jax gets seasick.
classic jazz it keeps me from boats I love a pontoon oh I love a pontoon a pontoon a pontoon wait do you know what a pontoon is Mae is that where you stand you got like a big stick and you're pushing it like in Venice oh definitely not oh what's a pontoon pontoon is like a big party boat to
Two against one. We need to have a handsome party on a pontoon. Yeah, we'd love that. It's a big, like, slow boat. Yeah. Okay, a big, slow boat. It sounds electric. Well, it's just like a bunch of seats. You just sit around. You float around in the water. You blare your music. You have your drinks, your food. It's not a speedboat. You're just like...
Floating around, enjoying the day. It is nice to be like in the hot sun, on the water, in and out of the water, on a boat with a beer. That's a really nice feeling. Well, yeah. And a pontoon is also covered, you know? So you're just, it's real nice. The Canadians not have pontoon boats. Yeah.
They do. In fact, Thomas, did we rent? No, we didn't rent a pontoon. But Thomas and I rented a speedboat in Toronto once. Yeah. It was out there filming Star Trek, I think. I guess you've never heard the song, On the pontoon.
Is that real? I swear to God. Yeah. Little Big Town. It's a country song, yeah. Okay. Out here on the ocean. Boat or boat. Oh, that rings a bell. Or not ocean, open. Okay.
All right, well, we got to wear our ponties on the pontoon. We got to put that on the list. It's a good time. It's when you want to just chill. You're not in a hurry. Yeah, it is snack time. Yeah, it is snack time on the pontoon. So my version of that is like, yeah, in Canada, you got a little speedboat you're tubing. Maybe you have like a Caesar, they call it, or a Bloody Mary. A salad. Yeah.
no no trying to eat a salad salads we're going boating the lettuce flying in that just that healthy canadians i'm gonna need everybody to grab a caesar
And let's get on that boat. You got your Caesar? Make sure it's got croutons. Thomas knows. Everyone hydrate. Grab a water. It's good to have a water and a salad. What's a Caesar? And a little handful of berries and nuts. And on we go. A Caesar is Bloody Mary, but it includes, you're not going to believe this, clam juice in it. That's what makes it a Caesar. And it's tasty. Ew. Wow.
Yeah. Fortune's not a big fan of clams. How ironic. Fortune! Guys! Fortune! I have been, I do watch sometimes that reality show Below Deck.
And I kind of I have like a fantasy of because that's like a group of hot young people and they're working as the staff on a luxury yacht and they all are just like fighting and fucking. And I it's kind of like dirty dancing, but on a boat. And I could I'd like to spend a summer that way. Dirty sailing. Yeah. Like I can picture myself on a boat. Sign me up. Shirtless. I'm like climbing the rigging, the scaffolding. I'm up at the top of the thing.
and I'm all oiled up. You would have been good. In your younger days, you should have done one of those yacht situations. What do you mean younger days? I'm 12. Is Mae really going to leave their life to go for a summer on a yacht? Mae?
Okay, well, there's a couple of considerations I got to take. So, yeah, if I, yeah, you know, I'm not saying never. Okay. I would pause my life. Something would have to go pretty seriously wrong in my career and relationship. But I think I'd have a good time out in the sun. Yeah. I'd have some like torrid affair with like the kitchen staff, you know. Whoa. Oh, the staff. Not even one person. The entire staff is getting it. Yeah.
I'd be like, before you get to May and y'all's tour affair, can I get some of that pasta you served a couple nights ago? Do you mind remaking that for me? Because it looked delicious. No, but we have leftovers and you can nuke them in the microwave. I'll take it. We're busy in May's cabin.
Then at some point someone has to say, nobody puts baby in the corner. Well, yeah. Guys, it's the dirty dancing of... I know that line. Don't make me explain this. Now, here is my question. Did I tell you about when I was coming out of surgery fully drugged and hallucinating? Mm-mm. Okay, this is back in 2019. Okay.
And I was so out of my mind on drugs and I was like really struggling there. And Stephanie was next to my bed and I told her that I...
Just want to leave here and go on a boat with you and listen to rock and roll. Oh, my God. That's what I kept telling her over and over. I just want to be on a boat listening to rock and roll with you. That's so romantic. She teases me about that to this day.
Rock and roll. Yeah. I also, I thought John Fogerty was in my hospital room with me. Who's John Fogerty?
CCR. CCR. Credence. Credence Clearwater Revival. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a little swamp rock for you, okay? Credence Clearwater Revival, that's the perfect music when you're on a pontoon, okay? Okay, yeah. On the pontoon. Yeah, or the song Pontoon. Out here on the open, motorboating.
Fortune. Shout out, little big town. I have a question, but it's a little un-PG, but motorboating. Give it to me. So motorboating is like that thing you could do. But does anyone do that with boobs? You mean put your head in someone's breast and go...
Fortune Marie. Fortune Marie. I'm going to say I'm a fan. No way. Oh, my God. That's the best. Fortune's like, that's why I got into the sport. I have a gold medal in motorboating. Oh, my God.
That's your main move. And does Jax mind that everyone now knows that you motorboat Jax? I didn't say she liked it. But it goes on. That does go on behind closed doors at this point.
lesbian hut a lot of things happen in this lesbian hut you've never done that in may you've never experienced motorboating no no i haven't nobody could motorboat me or may well you have to it's not it does have to involve someone with tig old bitties tig old bitties which is where tig's name comes from that is my god-given name
Tickle Bitties. It was my grandmother's name, my mother's name, and now mine. Middle name, Old Bitties. How do we get on to pontoons and boats? Because I'm dressed like I'm going on a nice boat. And summer is coming. It's around the corner. Yeah, yeah. I'm looking forward to it.
Spring is in the air. I'm not a big fan of mosquitoes. I'm not happy about that. Does anyone like them? Yeah, that's a good... I bet someone's got a mosquito fetish. Like, oh yeah, let them suck my blood. My friend and she brought her boyfriend who we'd never met. I don't think they'd mind me telling this story. We were all like in a park and I guess there were mosquitoes around, but we didn't really...
I don't know, they weren't really bothering anyone except they seemed to be really eating him. And it was the first time I'd met him and I just overhear him whisper to my friend, help me. What's going on? He's like, help me. She's like, how do you want me to help you? He's like, they're eating me alive. It's just so funny, a boyfriend whispering to his girlfriend, help me. Do you know what is my favorite thing so far of this episode, May, is if you slightly move your head
Down a little. There. Up a little. Up. Stop.
Cat ear. Oh, in the corner there. Right. The frame of my... Yeah. Looks like you have one little kitty ear. Go to our YouTube page to see Mae's kitty ear. I feel like every episode you're going to really crowbar in some visual thing that people have to go to YouTube. Yeah. My favorite thing is... You're going to want to see the shirt I'm wearing. I look like a pretty little yacht lady. Pretty little motorboater. Yeah. Pretty little motorboater. I do. So Jax gets...
She gets really car sick, though. Or sorry, boat sick. When you motorboat her? Again, we're going to preface this with, she's not into it. Does it make her laugh? It's a very silly feeling, I imagine. She thinks I'm insane most of the time with most things. Now, fortune. Fortune.
Does your mother listen to this podcast and does she know that her precious daughter motorboats her wife? I think my mom does, in fact, listen to the Handsome Pod. Actually, I know for a fact she does. Okay. She's going to submit a question for us, by the way. Right, but what does she think about her precious daughter motorboating her wife? She probably, like Jax, thinks I'm ridiculous.
If I was a parent listening, I'd think, you know what? Good for them. They're all having fun out there. I think some of our listeners should try it. I'm obviously going to try it tonight. Yeah, just try it. And here's the thing. You will both laugh. It's not sexy. Wait a minute. Thomas, can you put this on the list? May motorboating fortune. What?
It's not going to be fun for me. You have boobs. I have moves. We truly don't have them. Well, if you're up for it, I'm up for it.
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Just even talking about being on a boat on the water is putting me in a very summery vibe. I can smell the diesel fuel. You guys know at some point this summer, later in the summer, we're all going to be in Toronto at the same time. That's crazy. I want to take you to the Toronto Islands and you take a ferry over across Lake Ontario. Sounds like a boat. It's definitely a big boat. I know that I'm immature and I lack a lot of life skills, but I think of the three of us,
I feel confident saying that in a canoe, I'm going to be the most proficient. Oh, 1,000%. Confident. I could canoe you guys around. I'm a good canoer, but I think you're much stronger than I am. You could be in... I'll take the stern, you take the bow. I'm going to lay down while you two paddle. How about that? You're getting motorboated, so that's what you're doing. Let's do a poll. Who wants to see May motorboat fortune? I just...
I can already feel Jax going, what did you talk about today? Oh my God. What is wrong with you? We do need to get our band. We've already talked about this. Get our handsome band together. Yes. Me, Fortune May, Thomas, learn three songs and we could play together.
On the boat in Toronto. Oh, that sounds nice. I'm imagining it like when the Beatles did that concert on the roof, like people start to gather, like they hear the sound coming over the water and then like thousands of people gather. Yeah. They're like, something sounds very handsome. Yeah. And we're like, you guys, it's us. It's us. Yeah. It's us and Thomas. We're eating those clam juices. What the fuck are we eating? Fortune! Sorry. What's this clam juice we're drinking? Yeah.
We're drinking a Caesar, which is a Bloody Mary with clam juice. How about you drink a Caesar? I'll eat a Caesar salad. Tig, what are you going to eat on the boat? Some seaweed? Some kelp? Yeah, maybe I'll scoop up some seaweed. You're right. Dry in the sun. No, I like chips and salsa and guacamole and a beer or a hoppy water.
Yeah. Something refreshing. You know, I've never acquired a taste for beer. I didn't know that. I don't really
I don't really love the taste of it, but I've drank a lot of it in my teens and stuff. Like Canadian beer, some of it's like water. There's one called a 50 that's so rancid and cheap. Well, I do like pairing alcohol with food. I'm not a sit around and just drink for the sake of drinking. My dad was a food and wine writer through my childhood, so he would review wines and pair them.
pair of food and wine and stuff. That was his jam. Oh, that's a neat job. I like going out to eat with Stephanie and she'll have a glass of red wine or something and I'll just take little baby sips of it through the night, you know, or dinner. I'll kind of share her wine with her, but I don't even drink a fourth of it. Just like...
a taste of it on my on my lips and she doesn't care yeah she doesn't mind that some people hate it they're like just order your own god no because i'm really not drinking anything i'm it's like just on my lips barely you're just getting the flavor profile yeah yeah i like an old fashion that's my drink of choice we know girl or red wine
If it's a hot summer day, I don't mind a margarita. I love a skinny margarita. I'll probably drink a margarita. I can't wait for this boat trip. We're going to get so sunburned. Oh, I'm going to have to wear a tankini. Well, the pontoon is going to have the cover. Oh, of course. I forgot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If they have pontoons in Canada, we're not sure. I think they do. We'll find a pontoon. Thomas, will you Google if there's pontoons in Canada?
Canada. When Thomas was my assistant, I Thomas is the best and he is like you can have him in any situation. He's game for whatever's going on. I think we were in Austin when he was my assistant. He had come with me on tour. And after the night was done and my show was over and I was back in my hotel, I
He just went out and went, I think, line dancing or two-stepping with people. He was just by himself out having drinks and country western dancing alone. That's hilarious. That's so funny to imagine. I would love to see Thomas line dancing. Have you ever hung out with...
people that you meet at show, like I did it my first show in San Francisco last year. And afterwards, someone was like, do you want to do come to our lesbian dodgeball game? And I was like, yeah. And so then I went and played dodgeball with them.
the next day. Oh, that's fun. It was crazy. It was so aggressive. You had a good time though? I had a great time, although I felt like a lot of people wanted to hit me with those balls. I felt like it was like, oh, you think you're just going to play dodgeball, do you? It's really, they whip those balls. Yeah. They get hardcore about it. The sporty ones in our community really get intense. The sporty ones? The sporty ones.
When I was in Chicago a while ago, I went to a bar and there was a whole lesbian dodgeball team having a drink. They were, you know, talking about the game.
dissecting everything deconstructing well Sandra you really blocked a couple good ones and even in the even in talking to a gay dodgeball team the intensity is still there they're like hey we noticed you from across the room we're a lesbian dodgeball team and just wanted to say hi
My name is Terry. I'm the captain. I also am in charge of accounting for the group. They're super organized. Yeah. They got a spreadsheet and they all have like pun names for their lesbian dodgeballs. It's always like. Oh, what was theirs? For their pun tune? Yeah. Hers was like had sassy in the name. I forgot it though. I think and they all start dating each other. I think.
It all gets a little bit. Yeah. Why play dodgeball in a gay league if you're not going to try to slide in the home base, if you know what I mean? Are there straight leagues? Dodgeball? Yeah. It's straight women. It's a mixed group. I would say the mix is gay women and women that don't know they're gay yet. Yeah.
It's funny how you can have a gay dodgeball league, but if you say we're the straight dodgeball league, then you're very bigoted. It's scary. There's a lot of drinking involved in these leagues too. Before the game? Yeah, some of the straight leagues, they're all drinking before and after the game, yeah. Oh my gosh. And next time you see my lovely wife, Stephanie, ask her if you can see her impression of a softball player.
from a women's softball pitcher. Well, she's... Because Stephanie played basketball a lot. In the league. Yeah, sometimes a side of her comes out, right? Like she came to do a show. It was like right before the show. And she'd been at basketball or something. She was like, yeah, I almost got in a fistfight at the basketball. We were like, what? What?
Yeah, she's aggressive. Super competitive. Really? That's so funny. Yeah. Because she seems pretty chill, but then the competitiveness comes out of her. Yeah, I remember when we were first together and I would go to her basketball games and she was like, riled up. And I was like, whoa, I had not seen. And that's why it's good to date somebody for a chunk of time before you actually...
Get married. Yeah. Because these different situations bring out parts of somebody where you couldn't have even imagined. I did not...
At all. Imagine that. I thought Stephanie would be like, oh, well, that was fun. Come on, let's go have an ice cream cone. But she's like up in someone's grill being like, bitch, get out of my way. She is a basketball player. Oh, man. That's awesome. I used to be in a soccer league. Is this in your Craigslist days when you first...
Good memory, Mae. Oh my gosh, really? You joined a team on Craigslist? Yeah, back when I first came out and I was trying to find friends, I joined a soccer league, a softball league, and a tennis league. Oh my god, that's a lot of leagues. I need to find lesbians. Where are the sports?
Oh, and I joined an African drumming league. Oh, yeah. You told us about that. Yeah. This is like an exhausting schedule. How did you have time for all these things? Well, my career was non-existent at the time. So that wasn't keeping me busy. I had a lot of time on my hands. Those were fun. Those were my 20s. I was just like playing in tournaments all the time. Are you a good soccer player?
I'm a good soccer player and the best sport of mine is tennis. I played in college. And what's your feeling on pickleball? Pickleball, I've only done once. I thought it was okay. I didn't fall in love with it like everybody is. I'm going to my first Lakers game soon. Oh, that'll be fun. Yeah. I've never been to like a professional basketball game like where you sit by the
Like somebody gave parv tickets and you get to sit right by the court and everything. In my mind, I'm going to be sitting next to De Niro and Jay-Z. I played soccer as a kid and, you know, I do tread water. That is your thing. That is true. And I do take a walk.
Yeah. So yeah, nice long walk. Yeah. But I used to cycle 100 miles a day, 50 to 100 miles a day. Whoa, really? Whoa. Yeah. Where? Well, I would cycle. I remember I performed in Portland, Oregon, and I flew out there with my bike and then cycled to Seattle. Or I started in Seattle and went to Portland. I can't remember what direction. Why does that matter? That's crazy.
And then I did a show in Seattle. And then I also cycled from Montreal to Portland, Maine. Oh, my God. And then I also cycled through France. But those days are over. I can't do that anymore. Because your butt hurts?
My back. I'm a real Frankenstein body. Plus, you got busted for the steroid, the performance of handsome. I just think cycling seems so dangerous now. Well, are you cycling along highways? How are you doing those big distances? Yeah, it was on highways and through small towns. In France, me and my friend cycled from small town to small town, and we would...
uh, stop and have like a really fun, you know, rest. Yeah. Like a little meal at a cute little cafe. And then we would treat ourselves at the end of the night at like, uh,
Like, and the bed would, or the bath would be clawfoot and just so, so beautiful. That's cool. Yeah. It was, um, it was a real passion of mine in my twenties and early thirties. I did not know that about you. If you get back into it, can you get two little sidecars for me and fortune? And, uh, you're going to say for Max and Finn. Oh, Max and Finn. Yeah, I guess. I guess. Yeah.
Yeah, I couldn't do it. My butt would hurt too bad. Well, I enjoyed it, but I wasn't competitive. I did a long-distance cycling ride that was raising money for AIDS, and I came in dead last. Oh. Dead last. That's all right. You finished. Yeah, and the other people were like,
Even though it's not a race, they were still racing. And I'm like, I don't, I don't, you can have the, the win. I just enjoy in this. People are doing these marathons and stuff. And they're like, their nipples are bleeding. And they're like,
No motorboating. No peeing their pants and stuff like that. Unrelated. Yeah, I don't get the appeal. Yeah, nothing better than a marathoner who just has to poop their pants because they don't want to mess up their time. It's so crazy to me.
Keep going, Janice. Then you'll hear about someone who was like, didn't train at all and like completed it and came in fourth. And you're like, you know what I mean? People's bodies. Yeah, I remember years ago, my friend didn't have time to train and she signed up for a marathon. I mean, she was a runner. She, I think, ran pretty much daily.
But she said she just watched that Demi Moore movie, G.I. Jane, and drank a beer and then just ran. That's sick. Some people are just built different. Yeah. That's cool. Good segue, but our questioner is somebody who is unbelievably fit and chiseled and whose physique I covet.
So today's questioner is a standup comedian, actor, and singer. Who's been named one of Variety's top 10 comics to watch. He hosts the podcast. I never liked you. And you can watch his latest special on his YouTube channel at Mateo Lane comedy. Our questioner is Mateo Lane. And I have to just say about him real quick. He is blowing up right now in the comedy world. Such a funny guy.
stand-up. So talented. A crazy good artist. He sings opera. He speaks fluent Italian, fluent Spanish. He's gorgeous. He does cartoon animation. He's just multi-talented. And he's a super nice guy. Like a real renaissance man that you just don't see in modern day times. Um,
And I know that this, like he's finally getting his due. He's selling out shows everywhere, but this is truly just the beginning. He is going to be a big, big star. Thanks to the handsome pod. That's right. Yeah. And you owe us. Just a beautiful soul. So let's hear what Mateo Lane is asking us. Hello, handsome pod. I have a question for y'all. I want to know.
Who is your favorite pop diva?
Ooh, pop diva. This is hard for me. I don't know if it's hard for y'all, but I love a pop diva. I know this about you, Fortune. I know you love a pop diva. I know you love your Celine. Maybe because I was uncomfortable about my femininity, I actively rebelled against... I would listen to dudes and bros. I don't know. It's only recently I'm getting into...
Well, I loved Bette Midler always, but is that a pop diva? Yeah, she was pop. She would have been a pop diva. Really? Popular. The divine Miss M. Definitely a diva. A popular diva. She's a popular diva. Okay. Yeah. Who were you torn between, Fortune? God, how long do we have? Well, about... Well, we typically do an hour episode. Yeah.
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Boobs. You see it before you. Inside of this handsome body is a pretty little lady. Of course, I see her. I see her every time. And this pretty little lady loves a singer. And you have a beautiful voice, so you probably appreciate the craft. And you have a little pink shirt on. It's all adding up. In modern day times...
My favorite pop singer would be Kelly Clarkson. Really? Sorry, I shouldn't have acted so shocked there. The running joke right now, we all know Kelly has a very popular daytime show called The Kelly Clarkson Show, right? Yes. So one of the things Kelly does is she sings what is called Kellyoke, which is...
Kelly's version of karaoke. All right. You figured it out. Thank you. We were one step ahead of you there. Yeah. So Kelly takes all these songs that are popular right now. She sings them and everybody, the running joke online is like,
sorry to whoever was the original singer of that song. She just like freaking destroyed. Oh, like she's so great at it. She sings everybody's song like five times better than they sing it. Oh, cool. I like that. Even Bob Dylan? Um, probably. I mean, Trevor Noah made a funny joke on the Grammys that says if whoever loses is going to be forced to have Kelly Clarkson cover your song. So,
She's so good. She just has a voice that's insane. She can hit these notes. She's like perfect pitch a lot of times. And her voice is full of soul. I mean, just freaking good. Any song you love, just be like, can you cover that song you
You want her to sing it. I wasn't expecting, I don't think Kelly Clarkson, I think like pop diva. I guess like I imagine like kind of crazy attitude and because she's so, no, but which is great about her in a way. She's like, so down home. Yeah. I think I,
I think I think of pop divas. She's that. We'll see. It's hard in modern day times for anyone to be a true diva because then everyone's like, you're a turd. Stop acting like that. You know what I mean? But we accept it from our older pop divas. Like Mariah Carey. If she's three hours late, you're like...
Have you heard her sing that high note? These days we got... So yeah, who are that we're working with? I just have to interject here. I don't know if I've told you this, but Kelly Clarkson's bassist...
Oh, yeah. We had years ago in our Texas days as teens, a little romantic connection. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. And so are we talking hand jobs? What are we talking here? Motor boating. Yeah.
Wait, is Aynar... What gender is Aynar? Aynar is a man. I'll pull him up. He's a friend. Great guy. He's... This is great gossip. Kelly Clarkson's bassist. Get TMZ on the line. You motorboated him. This is Aynar...
rocking out oh we are looking at what i can only describe as a strong and sinewy ball completely bald man uh rocking a bass nice tight muscles tight shirt yeah he's mouth agape
Thinking about Tig right now. Oh, yeah. Yeah. When we see each other these days, we are, there's no stopping the. The hand jobs. Here he is again. There's no stopping the motorboating. Cute.
He's got a great mustache. Oh, he's got a very handsome face. Yeah. Cool. Yeah, he's a cute, great guy. And he's in her band. The touring band. The touring band. Nice. Yeah, not on the television show, but I went and saw them live.
And he saw me on TV, like 20 years ago was and wrote me on like MySpace or something. It was like, it's like, Hey, and I was like, Oh, my God, total blast from the past. And then we've stayed in touch. And he and his son came over a few months ago and hung out and
Just a nice guy. So talented. I went and saw... But the point is, I went and saw him playing with Kelly. Yeah. Mind blown. This guy is such a... Look, Kelly's incredible. We all know that. But you were watching your old friend. No, Aynar...
Like he is such an incredible performer. And I think he just was recently touring with Duran Duran as well. And, you know, he makes his rounds with the rock and rollers, but he is so fun to watch on stage. He's such a talent. That's cool. So Tig, you've seen Katy Perry. Did you just whisper Wiener's fortune? You've seen Wiener's?
Fortune Marie. Fortune, you've seen them all. So...
I've seen Kelly Clarkson. I've seen Katy Perry. I've seen a lot of these gals. Okay, how about I'll say, I'll give you two and then you pick one and then the winner, I'll present to Tig with another option. Like we'll narrow it down. Winner of what? There's so many pop divas I'm going to list at some point. Like would you rather... Oh, with dudes? Would you... No. No, it was a bad idea to begin with. Okay, would you rather see in concert Whitney Houston or...
barbara streisand um i love them both but whitney houston i've seen babs live oh me too memories like the corner of my mind did that remind you of that concert yeah it took me right back that was did you close your eyes at any point
I was sort of watching Tig's face. This is Barbara. Not Barbara, but Barbara. Can I tell you that when I was 18 and I was living in this basement apartment with this girl, Laura Spanner, she was supposed to go with her mom to see Barbra Streisand with a bunch of her mom's friends. That's the way to do it. Yeah, and she said, well, do you want to take my ticket? And I didn't know her mom. I didn't know any of these women. And I was like the sketchiest girl
druggiest weirdo and I got so stoned and I showed up at the theater and the mom knew I was coming and my eyes were like bright red and I was like hey I'm uh I came to see Barbara Streisand with you guys and because I love Barbara Streisand and uh funny I sat with all these older Jewish women who were all super nice to me and really freaked out by me as well I have my like short hair and kind of reeked of pot and
And you had a lot of acne and braces and all that? I was past acne and braces, but no one had told me yet that I should be wearing a bra. So I had these really pointy boobs that just were constantly sticking, like the nipples sticking out. And I wore a cross body bag, like with a strap and my two pointy boobs sticking out. And no one said to me, just wear a fucking bra. Yes.
But so I'm sitting there and and then the lights go off and people are cheering and the big band starts playing kind of a medley. And I sort of just had forgotten like how important to me she is. And then all of a sudden spotlight in the middle of the stage and.
standing at the top of a big staircase in a black dress, turtleneck, and one sexy leg emerges from the long dress. And she goes, don't tell me not to. And I start bawling. I'm just like, don't tell me not to live. I just lost my fucking mind. Oh, and she's saying, oh, my man.
Yeah. When we saw her, she ended a song with, you bet your ass. What do you mean? She yelled. She just yelled, you bet your ass after. And Stephanie has it on her Instagram somewhere. And it's so funny because she, she just finishes her song and yells, you bet your ass. And we were dying. And I was just at the,
SAG Awards and she was presented the SAG Awards where I lost but she was Jen and Bradley Cooper were presenting an award to her no way and she was there yeah she was there
And did you talk to her? Well, no, I have nothing to say to her. But she was after the award, she was sitting like on a couch behind a velvet rope, you know, kind of like this is my area and you come to me vibe. And I just, you know, I'm like coming out of the place alongside Oprah and Jen Aniston. And, you know, it's like, oh, where do what do I do here? It's an embarrassment of riches. Oh.
She's famously, for as amazing of a singer as she is, she famously is ridden with stage fright. Yeah. You bet your ass! That's not very scared on stage. But then when she's in the zone, when she's in the zone, you would like, she, you know, supersedes that, obviously. I want to, if I really land a punchline, that's what I'm going to do. You bet your ass I nailed that choker.
You have to go to Stephanie's Instagram and look back and see this clip. It's so great. That's amazing. So I would say that your favorite pop diva, Mae, is Barbara.
I would say it's Bette Midler or Barbara, but is that what Matteo means? Does that count? Or is he talking like J-Lo and Ariana Grande? Knowing Matteo, it's all of the powerful singers. Translating for us here. Yes. Now, could I go even to...
Like somebody who's maybe not as like Babs or Whitney, even though I love them both. You can do whatever you want. Like a Linda Ronstadt? A Lindsay Lohan? Look, love them too. Is Linda Ronstadt the, you're no good, you're no good, you're no good, baby, you're no good.
That's a song we're going to sing in our handsome band. Yeah, I can sing that one. I mean, obviously, I love Taylor Day and we all know that. Yes. But you know who I love? Who? Is Gladys Knight.
Yeah. Gladys Knight is where it's at for me. I mean, there is no better voice than Gladys Knight. I mean, Tina Turner. Oh, Tina Turner. See, this is an unfair question. How dare you, Mateo? It's hard to pick one. There's...
Tina Turner's unbelievable too. What's your favorite Gladys Knight song? You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You know, when she was born, she was born in Iceland and it had been summer for months. Who, Gladys? Yeah, summer for months the whole time. And then the doctor, on the day she was born, finally that endless summer ended and the sun started going down. He said, Gladys Knight. And then the mom said, wait a minute, let's call her Gladys Knight. Yeah.
Do you know what else? Anyway. L.A. proved too much for the man. I can't be treated this way. Nor can Gladys. He's come to know. He said he's going, going back to find. Where?
We gotta do karaoke, the three of us. I'd rather live in his world. Okay, the only karaoke I do is... You've heard it. Donnie D's on the back up. Drug free. So put the crack up. No need for speed. Or I'll do like... That was the Marky Mark song that we didn't know. Burning down the house. My house. You know, the...
Talking heads, you know, 365 degrees burning down the house. My house. I'll do that. You can play drums on that. Yeah. When I was on Stephen Colbert, the talking heads were the other guest and, uh, they were just to stand in the same room was pretty cool. Yeah. It'd be fun if we did karaoke where we choose what songs the other people have to sing. Mm.
And we have to do it. We have to give it our best shot. We really like I would give Tig. What's the one that's like, I'm a fire starter, twisted fire starter. I'm only cracking myself up. I don't know this one. I don't either. You know, Thomas. Thomas, do you know this one? Fire starter. I think it's three against one. Thomas, fire starter. Wait, why are we doing karaoke? Why aren't we doing handsome band? Yeah, no, you're right. We can do that.
Thomas, that's a real song, right? The Firestarter one? The Prodigy. Is it a Canadian thing? No. Sometimes you Canadians are against us. You heard it here. You heard it here. You heard it right here. Us Canadians are drawing a line.
I have a couple of other divas I have to mention real quick. Well, I could mention so many divas too. I mean, but these are all my favorites. Okay. Let's hear them. But he said choose one. Well, I chose one modern day. I'm going to choose one older pop diva. Celine Dion, talking about Canadians. This is where we come together. Yeah. And we meet in a beautiful, glorious place.
Are you about to go into prayer? You love Celine. Have you ever met her? I love Celine. No, I've never met her. I have seen her perform in person twice. I remember you were disappointed when she started chatting. And I was, ooh, I have a song from Ryan Reynolds. We're like, okay. Uh-huh.
Get back to the songs. Her voice is magical. I think she truly has perfect pitch. I've never heard her sing out of key. What, does Babs go off the rails? She just has a different sound, a different pitch. How dare you? She listens. And Celine can go so high. And she exemplifies that true diva that she's buttoned up and she's like...
you feel like she's unapproachable but she's but then she's lovely and wonderful there's a meme out there somewhere or a video of a girl oh yeah singing to celine dion's car yes in in real life celine just listens to her but is making a very stern looking face but someone edited it to make it look like the window gets rolled up in the girl's face
Is that on the Beaver TikTok channel? It's so good. She's the greatest pop diva of all time. Okay, so that's your answer. Olden days Celine, modern days Kelly Clarkson. I love that Celine is olden days. I know. I feel like I'm about her age, but I guess I might be olden days comedian. Of our time. That's fine.
I don't know who would be the one from the 20s. We all have different times. That's the thing about us. Yeah. Celine is like, you know, we went to high school together. Are you picking Gladys Knight, Tig? Yeah, I'm going to go Gladys.
I think I'm going to go Babs. Yeah, I'm going to go Babs. I mean, I loved going to see Taylor Swift. That was great. Oh, right. Taylor Swift. That was good. The pop diva of our time now. But then there's also Pink. Yeah, there's Lady Gaga. There's Ariana Grande. All these people. They're so good. It's frustrating. But I think we... Look, we're not pretending that we're like...
Oh, I love like we're being honest here, the three of us about like where our hearts lie. And we're we're slightly in the past. I'm Babs, you're Celine and you're Gladys. Like that's our truth. You know, we can't pretend that we'd pick Beyonce, even though Beyonce might be the greatest pop diva of all time. It's unbelievable. Beyonce. Yes.
Have you heard her country song? Yeah. Oh, fuck, it's good. We love a strong, powerful female singer. We do. I'm sure, you know, I bet Beyonce was like, oh, okay, so Taylor Swift is just going to pop over here into pop music and take over. Then I'm going to put a cowboy hat and jump right over into the spot that she left empty. Yes. Yes. Yes.
I say that was a smart move. That's what we should do with the pod. We should try different genres. We should do like a true crime episode. We should do like a sort of date line. Sports talk. Sports talk with us. Sports talk. And that's what the show is called. Sports talk with us. And then one of our hand jobs. Right, Chen. Right, you guys. Yes.
no that's not an existing genre it's not the hand job genre the hand job there's gotta be some gals out there talking about hand jobs somewhere no nobody is because they all have mothers and grandmothers who would not approve now let's hear the answer yeah let's hear what i had to say hey mom
So my pick, even though everyone thinks it's Mariah and I love Mariah Carey, but it actually would be Barbra Streisand. So my favorite movie growing up was Funny Girl.
Me too. And I remember I saw Barbra Streisand in concert. So I grew up next to my Aunt Cindy, and she loves Barbra Streisand. We love Barbra Streisand together. And, I mean, how obvious that there was a gay kid just sitting with my Aunt Cindy like, more Streisand. But a couple years ago, she did a few concerts, one in New York, one in L.A., and one in Chicago. So I got us tickets. I flew to Chicago, and there's me and my aunt. The second she walked out on stage, we were dead.
losing it. I mean, we were crying so hard. The only time I cried harder is when I was watching Coco on a plane and I was flying to London and a British flight attendant came up to me and was like, I've actually got a bit of the sniffles. Do you want me to get you something from the back? No.
Oh my God. I mean, I can't imagine that it's not the majority of people at Barbra Streisand concerts that as soon as she walks out, they're losing their, like their brains are coming out of their ears.
You know, it's like there's nothing chill or subtle. Even if you're not a huge fan. Here comes Barbra Streisand. That was the deal when I went like because I wasn't expecting to have that reaction. But there's something about like, yeah, her presence and everyone else around you freaking out. You just lose it.
It's kind of like at the handsome live shows. It's very similar to the live handsome shows. You're right about that, little cowboy. When the lights go down and the big brass band plays a medley just to build anticipation and then a single spotlight appears and all three of us are in it in one black dress. All three of us in one black dress? We're all squeezed into one black dress and then it has a long...
It has a long slit up the side. Oh, God. Can someone make this for us? I would love to be in a gown. We'll be your dream gays. Oh, please. I would love to be in a gown with the two of you. Would Thomas be in there, too? Definitely. Thomas kind of looks like Mateo, if I'm being honest. He also, Thomas looks a little bit like your old flame, Kelly's bassist, you know, with the mustache. Yeah, yeah. That one you used to get real handsy with.
I think it maybe was just like kissing zone. Okay. Kept it above the waist. I can't remember. And maybe I should sit him down and ask him if we went beyond first date. How far did we go, mister? Yeah.
Well, thanks for the question, Mateo Lane. I look forward to our future friendship because I've heard all these wonderful things about you and your talents. Yes. And you seem gay. He is very gay. Super gay.
In the best ways. You'd love Mateo. I have to introduce you guys soon. He does great crowd work too. Very funny with the crowd. And then also, yeah, he makes like pasta from scratch and cooks like carbonara. Like he's, he's an amazing cook. Yeah. What a guy. I think we were in love with him. I wonder if I've met him briefly. Um,
At the Netflix is a joke thing, maybe you did? Yeah, maybe. That's right. I'm doing a show with Mateo May 11th in Los Angeles at the YouTube Theater. That's perfect. As part of the Netflix is a joke fest. Nice. If you liked what you heard today, get your tickets. What else should people come and see, Fortune? May 18th, Massey Hall in Toronto. Yeah, man. I'm doing my last show of my Live, Laugh, Love tour.
and i have some other dates coming soon um go to my website can i come to the toronto show please yes i'd love to you can do a spot if you want stop can i for real yeah if you want i truly it has always been like a dream of mine to perform at massey hall so that would be kind of crazy to have you it's up to you it's totally up to you if you want to do a spot or if you want to watch whatever you want
oh my god imagine closer to time if i planned this really elaborate thing like i took it and ran with it so i got the band i got the black gown we have to get our our our six-legged cow we have to i think our handsome our handsome listeners would love to see if you want to pop on if we were ever uh asked to host like a
an award show or if we were presenting we would show up in a six-legged uh gown and and i picture us all facing out like we can't see each other yeah you know we have slits for our legs and we have to do well you should host an award show thomas put on the list yeah yeah
Tig, what do you got coming up? Well, it's just the regular old run-of-the-mill Tig stuff where I'm working out new material locally in Los Angeles. And if you want to see me, you better come out to those Los Angeles shows because as it stands now, there is no plans for a future tour in my life. So that's all I'm saying. Oh, my God.
You're like Barbra Streisand. Yeah. You're going to do it when you feel like it. That's right. If I feel like it. You're a stand-up diva. This old bag of bones has been on tour for 28 years about. So I'm working out material locally and enjoying that. Oh, and my special on Amazon called Hello Again. Check that out. My wife Stephanie directed it.
She did a wonderful job. Nice. What about you, Mae? I'm just... I think nothing. I mean, maybe...
Maybe I'm going to be at Massey Hall with you. I don't know. But no, I think I'm going to be doing some new material around Toronto. And so just check out my Instagram because I'm going to be filming all summer. And then, yeah, just do, you know. Doing your May thing. May thing. May thing. You better be spending your time gathering facts. Oh, I'm always doing that. Yeah. What else is there to do? Except...
For subscribed. Oh, oops. There's nothing else to do but subscribe to the podcast and subscribe to our YouTube channel. Yeah, why not? Why not? Get over there. Also, rate us and give us a comment. We do welcome five-star reviews. Let us know. Maybe on social media, let us know the funniest clip of a pop diva. Like your favorite...
Tag me in your favorite clip of like a pop diva funny moment. You bet your ass. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to go and watch that one. All right. Well, until next time. Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. And please follow us on social media at handsomepod.
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