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Cheers! Welcome to the Handsome Pod! It's your friend, Fortune Feimster. I'm Mae Martin. I'm Tig Notaro. And we are...
We are handsome. And happy. Everybody looks lovely today. Oh, thank you. We are all glowing, actually, with a sprightly energy. I've got on my headset. Can I take your order? I'll have a Big Mac and make it bigger. That's fine.
-That's right. -I'll actually take the Old Navy jeans. -You got it. Can I get a pair of Old Navy jeans to the front? Thank you, because we only have one pair. You got to fly them in. -No, I know. -I feel like we're all still basking in the glow of-- This might come out later, but--
We recently did our live show at Dynasty Typewriter. That was so fun. Here's my question for you, Mae. I love a question. Yeah, and I need the absolute truth. Okay. Did you go to the bar after? You did? No, I didn't. But now it looks like I'm lying. It looks like I went and tried to pick up a bunch of...
Listeners. No, everybody did. Like some of the singles went out. Like I saw people posting pictures. They went out to the bar near Dynasty Typewriter. And it was really tempting to swing by. Not in a creepy way, but just to say hi. You wanted other people to have love connections. You wanted to check on that. Exactly. Now, what is the bar? We might as well mention it. It could be the Handsome Singles Bar. It's so great there. It's called The Prince. And it's like Korean food and...
a kind of red decor. Am I making it sound sexy? Oh, wait, I think I know this place. Yeah. What made you realize it? Red decor? Red decor, Korean food, cool bar. Yeah. I just knew it. Stephanie knew it too. She was like, oh, that's a really cute bar. I don't know Greg, but I'm pretty sure that was the bar I went to with. It's weird to say this, but I guess...
My mom. Charlize Theron. Okay. Seriously? Yeah. Wait, what? You didn't know fortune dated?
Charlize Theron. Oh my God. They were together. They were together and they had a bit of a nasty fallout, but you guys have come back together as friends and it's been nice to see them. This was years ago. I went to the HRC dinner with Chelsea and Charlize. Wow. I'm trying to picture her in that environment because it's kind of a grungy place and she's so glam, but maybe she's... Have you not seen Monster? No.
Maybe it wasn't that place. I've not seen Monster. She showed up looking monster that night, right? She was gorgeous. She was in all the prosthetics. It was early on in my... I had just gotten on Chelsea and I...
got into the car and she was there and I was like, what's going on? Were you starstruck? Yeah. Do you have the hots for her? Who doesn't? She's gorgeous. Even Jax has the hots for her. Wow. We were at a hotel in Ojai. Ojai Inn.
Love it. Shout out. And Charlize and her kids were in the room next to us. Wow. Fun. I'm picturing you with a little glass up to the wall just listening with your ear pressed. Listening to her be hot. Yeah. Well, I also saw her at a sushi restaurant once. I don't know if we want to keep...
Oh my gosh. Sure. Yeah. This is a new segment. Oh, one time. Comment where you've seen Charlie. One time I went to breakfast in Los Angeles and this, this was probably like 25 or more years ago, but it was a little tiny breakfast place. And, um, what's her name? Came in. She was, this is where the story falls apart.
What is that person's name? Someone came in. She was married to Kenny Chesney.
Oh, Renee Zellweger. Renee Zellweger. Okay, so Renee Zellweger comes in. I like to refer to her as Cold Mountain. Why? Great movie. I don't know. No, she seems lovely. So she's in this little tiny breakfast place and everyone in the breakfast place is so aware that she's there and everyone's staring at her. And then leave it to Hollywood.
Julia Roberts walks in and has breakfast there. And so you see everybody not sure who to look at. It's such a tiny little restaurant. That would trip me up. I think if I was in that breakfast spot, I think I was in The Truman Show or Candid Camera. They're too famous, those two, to be in the same place coincidentally at the same time. Everyone's head was exploding because it was maybe...
10 tables and then you see them I don't know if they knew each other or if it was just the hey famous hey I'm famous too nod what a famous hey famous hey famous she's like hey cold mountain she's like hey runaway bride
Hey, runaway bride. Hey, pretty woman. Hey, pretty woman. Hey, Chicago. Hey, pretty little lady. I'm a big rom-com gal. So that would have been, you know, Bridget Jones diary. Yeah. That would have been a big deal for you. So who would you have stared at more? I,
I would have given them equal attention. If Meg Ryan had then also walked in, my head would have exploded. Yeah. Love a rom-com. I'm trying to get them to bring them back. Okay, but... Wait, they never went away, Fortune. Who's them? They went away, kind of. I'm trying to get them to bring them back. Tig was just in one with Ashton Kutcher and Reese Witherspoon. They're back. They're back. Full force.
I brought them. Me, Reese, and Ashton brought them back. Oh, yeah. They're back. We totally forgot. They're really popular again. They're popular again. Thanks, Reese.
well than me i was like the other like i was doing some heavy lifting you held that coffee cup so good outside that school yeah i guess i mean they don't make them as often they used to be like all the time all the big stars did them all the time yeah well they are now since me and reese and ashton brought them back
The triangle of rom-coms brought them back. But really, who would... I don't care if you love all of those people equally. Who would you... If somebody was like, you have to choose one celebrity to stare at the whole breakfast, who are you going to choose? Out of Julia and Renée? Just the two of them? Uh-huh. Probably Julia. Just because, like, I just grew up watching her in, like, every movie known to man. She's...
I mean, Renee's amazing too, but it's a real Sophie's Choice. But Julia's just been in so many iconic movies from my childhood, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I used to do an impersonation on... You're not going to believe this. This seems so incongruous to... I bet I will. My...
my style of comedy but I used to part of my set used to be a Julia Roberts impersonation oh let's hear it come on babe I regret it bringing up but it's just like a moment of I feel like she's always getting startled by something and then exploding into hysterical laughter as a result and I used to really go for it well it's very unme because it's very loud and hysterical and high pitched
Well, that's why we want to see it. Do you want me to start with one and then you do one? Or do you want to start with one? Oh, yeah. Oh, I want to see yours. You got a Julia Roberts impersonation? I'm going to try. Okay, so it's being startled by something, screaming, and then exploding into hysterical laughter. Well, okay, this is the scene where she's
Grabbing the necklace and Richard Geer slams the box. That's exactly right. Okay, I have a great idea. And then after Fortune does this, then you be surprised by Fortune's impersonation. Yes, yes. Burst into laughter and whatever she does. Wait, but then Tig, you've got to do the final one. Okay, I'll do it. I'm going to do the giggle. I'm going to do the kind of startled giggle. You go to the next level with it. How about that? Okay, are you ready? All right, but...
And then I go to the next level? Yes. I'm scared. I'm nervous. Everybody just pretend I'm Julia Roberts. Our lives depend on this. I'm reaching for a necklace as we speak. Guys, I'm still doing mine. I'm still peering out. I'm sorry.
I think that there's a future for Mae and I in rom-coms, not just you, Tig. I think so, too. I don't know. I have it cornered. I have it cornered.
That gave me gender dysphoria, screaming like that, like a damsel in distress. It was pretty funny, though. I feel like it was really unleashing a secret aspect of myself that I try to suppress. Even when I'm on a roller coaster, I notice I'm like...
Yes. And if I probably if I let myself really go for it, I would be screaming like a school girl, you know, but. But that's the actor in you. You were acting. Yes, I suppose. Yeah. It kind of brings us back to that conversation about heartthrob hot men in Hollywood crushes. Yeah. Where it's a little confusing. Mm hmm.
Why? Because you're like, do I want to be... Well, it's not confusing for you, Mae, because you're like, whatever, I'll take it. You know? If you're a human. Bye. Yeah. It says it's... I think it's called bye. No.
I thought you were even more than bi. Yeah, I guess if you could be more than bi, I guess I'm not. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. But imagine if it was LGBT and then W for whatever, I'll take it. It should be a thing. Whatever, I'll take it. Yeah, but it's confusing, I think, for me and Fortune when we're giddy about
dudes being about dudes yeah where you're like oh this isn't why am i smiling so much what do i what do i need from this man that i actually don't want what do i need from this man that i actually don't want that sounds like um something you say in therapy and then the therapist repeats it back to you and you're like what do you need what do you need
My therapist has a headset on from Old Navy. Yeah. My therapist has two jobs. I will be your therapist today. Take a seat, Tig. No, you're the therapist, but you're also fielding Old Navy merch for
from like the, from storage or whatever it's called. So it's like this is like, Oh, I get it. That is hard. That must have been very traumatic for you. I'm sorry. Um, yes. Can we please fly in those jeans? Thank you. Nope. I'm going to need the, um, 32 by 28. Yes. Thank you. Anyway, how did that make you feel? Um,
Okay, we're going to need the tank tops and flip flops up to checkout line number three. Go ahead. So when did he pass away when you were three? Okay. If you're a homeowner who doesn't want to deal with switching your home insurance, we understand. Switching can feel like a lot of work. That's why Allstate is dedicated to making finding a lower home insurance rate as easy and simple as possible. Check Allstate first and you could save $574 on your home insurance.
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I really like the idea of drive-through therapy, though. Like, I really like, welcome to therapy. How can I help you? Yeah. You're driving through. Real quick, I got a bad relationship with my uncle. Okay. My ex used to make a joke about a drive-through confession booth. Oh, that would be amazing. Yeah.
Just a priest in there and you pull up, you're like, hey, rough night. God would not approve. Wait, were you raised Catholic, Tig? I was. Did you go to confession or no? I did. No way. I did. Okay. I've always wondered, like, does it actually feel like a relief? Like you say the thing and then you're like, great, let it go. Oh.
Uh, no. I mean, I was pretty young. And so my confession was, I wasn't really...
confessing much. Right. You know, I was I was like, Oh, I talk in class. Oh, so that's like almost reinforcing a shame that you don't need to have. Right, right. But I also I think I never went again, because something came over me. And I was like, Oh, I don't believe in God. So why would I go to confession and talk to this weird person in a little hut?
Did I tell you that? Not a weird person. I don't know if it was a weird person. Nice guy. You know, my parents were real atheists. And so I think I tried to rebel when I was like seven by suddenly being like, I'm extremely Christian. Oh, really? Yeah. Can you imagine if Max and Finn did that? I'm Christian.
I believe in the glory of God. And so I had a little calculator and you know how you can write like boobless on a calculator? Yeah, of course. You write boobs, boobies. Exactly. The highest level of math I ever made it to was boobless. Yeah.
So I would like – in my head, I would pretend that this calculator was my tool of communicating with Jesus. And I would – but all I could say to him was like boobies and boobless. But I would just pretend that – and I'd be like – and my parents would be like, what are you doing? I'd be like, I'm talking to Jesus. He died for our sins. And they'd be like, oh, you'll grow out of this. I don't know. It was really weird because it was not coming from them or really my school. I think I just –
I must have had some friends who were super religious. You're like, I'm down with G.O.D. Yeah, you know me. At our kids' school, they do this thing called passion projects. And what it is is each kid shares what their passion is, something they know so much about and are obsessed with.
And then the whole class learns about their obsession and passion for the whole week. That's what the whole week is about. Whoa. Is like rocks. Like if one kid is really into rocks. And everybody learns everything about Max's passion. And so it's a really great thing. And when that was coming up, Finn was like...
oh yeah, I know what I'm going to do. I am going to do sports. And so he was doing his whole passion project on sports. And we were like, Max, what are you going to do? And he was like, uh, I'm not sure yet. And we were like, okay. And then every morning we'd be driving to school and we'd be like, Max, have you thought about your passion project? What do you want to do? And he
He was like, yeah, I don't know. And so one day we're going and we just hear from the backseat. Max says, I think I figured out what my passion project is going to be. And we were like, okay, what is it? And he goes, Jesus. And Stephanie almost drove off the road. She was...
She was like, what? We didn't even know he knew who Jesus was. Stephanie was the opposite reaction than most parents. She was like driving off the road, looking into the backseat going, what did you just say?
How did you know about that? Who told you about Jesus? Passion of the Christ. Well, that's what she said. She was like, oh my gosh, this is Passion of the Christ. And she was like, Max, you don't know. Why would you want to talk about Jesus? Do you even know? And he was like,
No, but I'm just curious about Jesus. And so she was like, but this is for you to share something you're so passionate about. And we found out later that there was some, because of the connection with Santa and Christmas, that's where his interest was. This guy had something to do with presents and he wasn't...
And so once we got to the... Because he was born. Yeah. Christmas. Yeah, Christmas Day. Yes, yes. And so when we explained...
and that, you know, the whole point of it, again, is for something you're passionate about and you know so much about. So he did end up talking about rocks, but... He went with rocks, man. From Jesus to rocks. Yeah. Stephanie was like, can you imagine like what people would think our life was? Yeah. And what our, if Max was talking about Jesus for an entire week. Yeah.
I am passionate about charcuterie boards, in case you guys were wondering. And ice cream and coffee. Yeah. I do love a charcuterie board, though. I'm really into them. So are you into combining all the different flavors and arranging it like a flower bouquet almost? I love it all. All the cheeses, put it in my mouth. And also, I don't know, do you guys ever have a hard time pronouncing the word charcuterie?
charcuterie charcuterie well no we're doing pretty charcuterie you guys are doing pretty good but you want me to give you a little trick in case you ever forget no that's okay because we don't have trouble i would tell our listeners yeah well you can't have charcuterie without cooter fortune oh my god fortune oh my god get it char
Everyone got it, but everyone is stunned and so disappointed in you once again. May is mortified. Thomas is embarrassed. But you'll never forget how to say charcuterie. Nobody had a problem with it. Everyone said it just fine.
Oh my God. Some people have a really hard time with that word, but if you just remember, you can't have charcuterie without cooter. She said it again. Don't ever forget it.
I'm going to disconnect right now. No, don't leave me, my friends. What would your passion project be, Tig? My passion project. And you've got a week to teach me and Fortune and Thomas about it. You know, I'm sorry to be boring, but plant-based food. Oh, God, yep. Yeah, yeah, I love... And you can't have plant-based food without... Without cooters. Oh, God.
Well, that one episode you revealed about, you know, you were going to be a plant-based coach. A lot of people were really into that and said they would want that from you. Oh, really? Where was that? On Instagram? On our handsome Instagram page. Okay. Well, I have to go look. They said, Tig, I can't believe you're not doing the coaching. They were like, I would love to be coached by you. And...
plant-based nutrition. Well, it's because my rom-com co-star Reese Witherspoon shamed me and made me realize...
that I would make hundreds of dollars. Oh, God. That really made me laugh. That's why it would be a passion project. That's true. I love talking about plant-based food. I'm planning to do mine on Napoleon. Napoleon Dynamite or Napoleon the guy? Conquistador.
that's what you would do is napoleon i think so like anytime i've learned about him it's so juicy and the details are so weird and interesting and i'd have to brush up on it and learn about it in order to present stuff about him for the week so that would be and i do feel pretty passionate about him because he's such a like conundrum and the whole like
Napoleon complex coming from him. Yeah, totally. And I think because he did... I mean, he was like a terrible dictator and like millions of people died as he tried to invade all of Europe. Yeah. But he was also, you know, he had this other side to him where he... He had a heart of gold.
I don't know about that. But he implemented the Napoleonic Code, which was like a very progressive... He was anti-slavery. He was into separation of church and state. He was very progressive in some ways, but then also a total megalomaniac. He kidnapped the Pope. Whoa. What a day. I know. And he crowned himself emperor. And when he made the Pope in Notre Dame...
you know, put the crown on his head and right before the Pope put it on, he took it out of the Pope's hand and put it on himself. He was like, only I can. Wow. Yeah, there's just juicy details like that. I don't know much about him except for when he was in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. He was great in that. That would be a whole day of the week I'd be talking about. Yeah.
That's a perfect way to do a passion project is go back in time and have them come. Oh my God. What's your passion project, Fortune? Charcuterie. I'm pretty passionate about those. You don't think that could fill a whole week? Day one. Pickles. Well, you'd have to like branch off into subs. Yeah. Growing some kind of veggies. Or cooters.
I would have to talk about cooters at some point. That wouldn't be uncomfortable. Yeah, there'd be a day on cooters. I don't know that I want to get out my Venn diagram. Six days on cooters and one day on charcuterie bars.
That makes me think about sixth grade sex education. They made us go, the boys in one room and the girls in another room. And they tried to explain all that stuff to us. Why'd they separate everyone? Because, you know, they were showing boys how to put condoms on a banana. Yeah.
Girls can't see that. Girls need to learn that too. They're talking about their cooters. I think that their thought was that the girls and boys would be embarrassed talking about that stuff in front of each other. Yeah, I guess that's probably true. And the days were like, we haven't been invented yet. We weren't separated back in the 80s. We were all in the same room. I had a health teacher. We called it health in Canada. But she...
She did this thing where she brought in a cigarette and she like in the classroom opened the windows. We were all like scandalized and freaking out. And she took a long drag on it and then she blew it through like a Kleenex and you could see like the some of the tar on the Kleenex. And but it really felt like she just wanted like she wanted a cigarette. She smoked almost the whole cigarette. She's trying to turn every weird thing. Yeah.
She's chopping up drugs. Yeah. I just want to show you what somebody on cocaine is like. So we had like sex ed in in rehab as well. And we were all super old. But the teacher was like, can anyone draw an anatomically correct picture?
Cooter. I've never said cooter before. It's fun. Let it fly, Mae. It is kind of fun. It's a liberating. We're taking that word back. Let it fly. The flying cooters. The flying cooters. But I was such a like... A cooter's a turtle? Yeah. Or a vagina can also be called a turtle. I think both, but there is a... Turtles are cooters. Fortune! Fortune!
Who's telling you? Let me Google. I don't know if it's a title. Do you think turtles know that they are cooters? Yeah. Turtles are cooters. This was about the level of knowledge in the room. This is really good podcasting is when somebody is Googling are cooters turtles. The common cooter is a large olive-colored turtle with yellow stripes running down the back of its head and neck. Fortune fact. Fortune fact.
I've seen those little guys. Yeah, that's a cooter. Yeah, you're looking at cooters. And they call this the common cooter. The common cooter. The common cooter. Well, we had to draw a diagram of the common cooter. And I was so arrogant. And I was like, guys, I got this. Trust me. Trying to show all the boys. I was like, yeah, I've seen a few, let me tell you. And I got it all completely wrong. Right.
Really? Yeah, and I was like 17, 18 and I just was like Truth be told, I don't know that I would do a good drawing Yeah So should we go to hear our guest's question? You know what? This is your No, I just thought that would be a really funny transition into our guest's question That fortune can't draw a cooter I can't I can't draw no cooter
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All right, today's question. It's from Lena Waithe, who is an actor, producer, and screenwriter who created the Showtime series The Shy, as well as the BET comedy series Boomerang and Twenties. She wrote and produced Queen and Slim and won an Emmy for her work on the hit Netflix series Master of None. Lena's so cool. Actually, Lena...
Lena listens to our podcast. No way. Yeah. She should. Why wouldn't she? Lena's the best and is killing it out there and just creating some really cool stuff and just a real tastemaker. So we're honored to have Lena ask us a question. And here it is. What's up, handsome? It's your girl, Lena Wave. And I'm so excited to be asking y'all a question because
Huh. If you could change one thing about our world, what would it be? Oh, my gosh. Of course, it's a cool question from a cool person. I know. But it's hard to pick one thing. There's a lot of things that need some changing. I think it's perfect. I think our world is absolutely perfect. And I wouldn't change a thing.
That's like my parents said that they have no New Year's resolutions because everything's perfect. They've never made any? Maybe it was just this year, but yeah, I like that. I treat New Year's resolutions like a wish list. I like this and this and this and this. And you act like you have no control over it? Yeah. And who are you asking for the things from? The universe.
Yes. Isn't that who, I make a vision board every, every new year. I should give you my, I'll give you my little calculator and you can ask Jesus. Jesus. On your vision board, is there a sprawling mansion and a convertible Corvette? And, um, yeah, definitely a Corvette. A hot pink like Barbie. Yeah.
It's me and Jackson Biggie. Would you want to live in a sprawling mansion that's kind of like on its own? No, right? You want to be amongst it. You want knaves? You want knaves? Yeah, I don't want to be out in the middle of nowhere in a giant house that I'm scared in all the time.
Yeah, I don't want a sprawling house. That's not for me. Yeah, you don't want like a wing, a dusty wing that you never think you're afraid to go in. And like our kids, we've talked about moving. We moved into the house that we're in for safety reasons, for like stairs and the size of our backyard. And so we moved in here when Max and Finn were babies. And we've talked about moving to another house or maybe...
one with a bigger yard or whatever. And Max and Finn are, they love their house so much. And I don't know if I've talked about this on the podcast, but they, they, they want, they picture themselves growing old together in this house. And, and they talk about how they want kids together.
No. Yeah, because they don't know how kids happen. So they're like, yeah, they just want to be together and live in their childhood home with their kids. And it's so cute. They haven't talked about marriage yet, luckily. But yeah, they just picture themselves here forever with children. They love it. Well, they clearly feel safe there. Yeah, they're happy here. I love when kids don't really understand, like,
we had this ceremony to, to like a sort of sweet, um, ceremony to, to recognize the godmothers of this child who I live with. And, uh, it was so cute. And it was just basically saying like, we're your godmothers. And they all got like a necklace and, but it was kind of, there was like a ceremony aspect to it. It was, there was a solemnity to it. And we were like, what do you want? Um, in the ceremony, what do you want to have? And she was like, I want them to kiss on the lips. And we were like, well, I don't,
No, they're just friends. Kiss now. She was like, no, I really want that. And to her, maybe she's seen weddings and things and she was like, that will seal the deal. That'll make it all. Probably saw one of those Julia Roberts movies. No, she probably saw Your Place or Mine with me, Reese, and Ashton. True.
Yeah. But we were like, well, you can ask them, but I don't think they're going to want, like, just the two godmothers are not going to want to kiss on the lips. That's great. Ha ha ha ha ha!
I know the one thing I would change about our world. Like we've, we've talked about like the big heavy ones, like global warming and stuff, but just from like a, my own personal experience of the world, like I feel a real time scarcity in my life. Like I just always want time to do more things and, or to do nothing. And so I don't know what, how would I change the world to give myself more time? It's like,
Like a big red button that I could press to freeze time or like... Yes. Yeah. Definitely a big red button. In fact, I have one here. Oh, great. Great. Yeah.
- There's more time now. - What would you do if the time was frozen? What would you use that time for? - It's just like every relationship I have in my life, every friendship, I just don't feel like I get enough time to... It's like every friend, I could have a full week just hanging out, playing the guitar, swimming in the lake. - But you're not missing out
on anything yeah but I'm not missing out you know yeah so you'd never have FOMO you'd always be hanging out with whoever you want and do you have FOMO
All the time. All the time. Wow. I have FOMO for things that aren't happening, though. Like just FOMO for like this vision that I have of like all of my friends living on a commune and reading books. But I saw this. Reading books. Some. Shh. Yeah. Just constantly. Sitting in silence. Janice? I would never have a friend called Janice.
Sorry to all the Januses. There's some Janus listening right now that's so sad. So sad. I'm joking. I would never have a friend not called Janus. There we are. Welcome back, Janus. Welcome back to the fold. Janus, you're back, baby. But I did see some quantum scientists have just figured out how to move. They were able to go a few steps backward and forward in time for an atom. That is wild. I
Okay, basically I'm saying I wish time was more malleable. Right, you could shift it and everything? Yeah, shift it, slow it down, speed it up, bounce around on it. Do you feel that way? Interesting. Who has the time to even do that? When I see those pictures and videos that pop up like, here's a memory, and Max and Finn are toddling around and trying to say words, you know? Yeah.
I never understood when I wasn't a parent when you'd hear people say, oh, my little boy is growing up or my little baby is gone. And I'm like, who cares? Like, yeah, everybody gets older. And I didn't understand why that mattered. And now I am neck deep in those feelings. Stephanie and I send memories that pop up on our phones and we're like, oh.
Good God. Like, it's so insane. So that's where I wish time would stop. But they're also incredible, you know, inching up on eight years old. But when you see those painfully adorable...
Yeah. And you really see it with kids because they grow so fast and there's so much change. But it's weird to think that actually we're all going through that as well. Like you just notice it more with kids. Because they grow significantly. Yeah. I have it with my, listen, I know it's not the same as kids, but I have it with my dog, Mickey. Of course.
of course he's on there any pet is on borrowed time and it kills me yeah we all are on borrowed time well yes but you know unfortunately their life cycle is a lot smaller god i just like take those moments like when he's when we're with him just be like
Just soak this in. Soak every minute. Same with Kitty City over here. Yeah. What else would you try to fix about our world? I've touched on it before, but for me, empathy would be the biggest thing. I wish you could pump it out there to everybody all over the world to just have it.
be at the root of everything. I feel like if there was more empathy instilled in people from a young age that we wouldn't be having such violence and angriness and all that. I have such an easier time empathizing with
with kids. Like I have so much more like grace and patience with kids and adults. So I wish we could like, if I, like if I looked at you guys and I could see your baby, so like if your faces were still babies, but you still had adult brains and adult bodies, but you had the faces of your baby selves. I kind of still do. Almost 53. I'm like, I look brand new. You look too. Yeah.
That would be my serious answer, but I would have a more ridiculous one would be, I wish that you could eat whatever you want and not gain weight. Like the fattening food, I wish it weren't bad for you. Yeah. Because it tastes so good. Yeah.
Why don't the scientists get on that though? Because I bet you could like mimic the flavor profile and texture, but make it up. You know what I mean? Yeah, but like you're eating all of it's like full of nutrients. It's like so good for you. Yeah. I wish that. And I know very healthy eaters like Tig, to you vegetables and all that stuff tastes so yummy, wonderful.
I wish my palate were a little bit more like yours. Well, you know, when you come off of processed foods and you give yourself time to retrain your taste buds, then they do. But all of that food is engineered to...
make you addicted to it. I was at an event last night and I looked like the biggest nerd in the green room where I was like shoveling. There were two different salads there and I was like turning to everyone going, this salad is so good. Have you had this? I mean, you know, I certainly...
I also have my share of processed food. It's not like I never have. Right. I have, I love chips. I love cookies. I love all that stuff. Oreos. They're vegan. Oreos are vegan. They are? Yeah. Yes. I would not guess that. So are Swedish fish and, uh,
other nerds, things like that. Gotcha. Yeah. Can I say Parvati's daughter just revealed the other day that she every night has, no, in the morning has been, before she wakes us up, has been sneaking to the kitchen and getting one Oreo. But she like confessed it. She was like, I ate an Oreo this morning and I climbed on a stool and I went into the cupboard and I got the Oreo. Picturing her doing that by herself is so cute. And then I was like, how often do you do that? And she was like, every day.
Every day. Well, she's a blossoming vegan. That's right. Yeah, yeah. When I do reel it in and being healthier and especially cutting down on my sugar, and then I eat a banana smoothie, I'm like, this is so sweet.
I can't believe how sweet this is. Yeah, my taste buds definitely shift, but I do wish that some of that junk food I ate was a little bit better for me. If you went fully off of it for three weeks, it would shift everything. Yeah, for sure. I've done that. I mean, I've done the whole 30 a couple times where I have felt that shift. I want to do that with just...
dopamine in general you can do like dopamine detoxes where you go in you don't go on your phone and you don't but some of them like you don't even make eye contact with anyone or go in daylight for like you stay in the sort of dark for days and days because we're so overstimulated and then when you
When you leave, apparently you're able to access joy a lot more easily because you're not so desensitized to these dopamine spikes. I did one of those, I don't know what it's called. Is it deprivation tanks? Yes, sensory deprivation tank. The flotation. Yes, the flotation one where you go float in it and it's complete darkness. Yes.
And I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna feel about this. This is weird. And they just give you like a little thing to put your head on. And I'm like, how am I gonna float? And I started to do it and I'm like kind of flailing about like, ah, I can't do this. And then I finally just was like kind of gave into it and started floating and
And at first I was like, this is stupid. And then like within like 10 minutes, I'm like, I'm in the womb. This is the safest place I've ever been. I never want to leave here. It's so peaceful. It was like really cool after a while.
I was gonna do one of those and then the place I was gonna go to my friend went there and got pink eye wait what I didn't know that was possible yeah I guess like from the water like they didn't change it enough oh no now I'm grossed out so you had strangers poop in your eye oh no this was in Toronto and well I went in Toronto you did are you are you kidding I swear
I swear to God. You went in Toronto? I went to one in Toronto. Someone gave it to me as a present. Here's some poop in your eyes. I'm going to try it. I think you should. It's kind of cool. I was like, I'd go back to this. Tig, what would you change about the world? Again, I've gone into it. I just feel like climate change. I'm not a perfect person in that arena, but...
calling on all corporations because nothing, truly nothing matters.
If the planet is not here or functioning, so politics and junk food, all the important stuff doesn't matter. Could you go back to candlelight times? You know what I mean? Because that would probably, if the whole world had to go to candlelight times at night. What do you mean go back to it? Welcome to my life.
Are you in Candlelight? You're doing work by Candlelight? No, but like there's days where I turn to Stephanie and I'm like, God, I just, it comes over me where I just fantasize about just leaving this entire life and just gardening and hanging out with people in dirt piles. And she was like, when did you ever do that? Yeah.
like it's not like you're getting back to turn into your roots yeah your roots dirt piles just rolling around with people in dirt piles as long as you still do the handsome pod i'll do the handsome pod but i do have fantasies of like i feel like i could you know garden and cook and be by candlelight i definitely could not
I have moments of craving. I love being on my phone. I think me and Fortune are similar. Like I like to be in literally a Dave and Buster's arcade with like ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ring.
I'm like right between the two of you. I'm out gardening and cooking beans and broccoli. I don't want to be alone in the dark, but I definitely need some stimulation for sure. To go back to your
point about compassion, you know, violence and all of that. I would love if that was gone. But that that's, that's very much a part of compassion. But also, around compassion, I wanted to follow up and ask you, what is your compassion towards people that are
Not compassionate. That's like the best type of Christians, I think, are really good at that. Like the people who really embody like the message of Christ. Like I know we were talking about Christians before, but that like turn the other cheek, like really forgiving people without any expectation of forgiveness.
clemency from them kind of you know like when you see a parent that's whose child's been murdered be like i forgive you they went to court like yeah i wish you the best i'm like oh my god that's are you that person though fortune are you capable of that i don't know yeah it's so scary we're taught that like if you if you show weakness they could like get you again you know like so it's like can you show empathy with
showing weakness or without opening yourself up to harm again. Right. I don't know. We did that forgiveness episode. That's true. The Sarah Paulson. Yeah, I'll go back and listen to that. Do you have a frivolous one, Tig? One that's not as... No. Yeah.
That's apocalyptic one. No. Only that. No, absolutely not. I'm not here for frivolous stuff on Handsome Pod. I'm here to say if the planet's gone, it's all gone. But side note, remove all violence, please. I thought that it was going to be the frivolous one and it was going to be remove all violins. And I was like, oh, oh, oh, no. Get those violins out of here. Remove all violins. All.
All violins must go. Well, I'll be eating my Doritos full of nutrition. Nutrient dense Doritos.
finally on the market i'll be silently reading books with my friends on the compound i'll be gardening uh and cooking you know broccoli and whatever in piles of dirt just around the corner yeah it feels like this world's a lot better since we made these decisions what a time to be alive should we hear what should we hear what lena has to say yeah
All right, I guess my answer would be No More War. I know that's like a very generic answer, but it's really what comes to mind. Yeah, classic. World peace, please.
I can't wait to hear what y'all say. Peace. World peace is big. World peace. I feel like I was selfish in my answer, but maybe I was consciously trying to keep it light. But world peace, yes. Yeah. Lena and I were on the same page. No violence, okay? And Fortune's over there like, where are my Doritos? I just made hot dogs. But it's awesome.
But I also don't think... I had a serious answer first. But I'd also like to throw in, can a girl eat a hot dog and be vegan? I don't think we gave enough credit to the babies for faces idea in terms of world peace. I think if everybody had the heads of babies, then we might have world peace. Well, and you're saying with large human bodies and just baby face? Yeah. I don't know.
That might make people angry. Why do you look like a baby? But they'd look like one too. So it would be like you have your adult body and your adult brain, but your face, because you're not going to slap a baby face. May makes a good point. We're not going to slap a baby face. Anyways. Should we ask the baby face? Has anyone ever slapped them? Well, I bet baby face listens to this show. He probably does. He'll just let us know.
Oh, is, okay. That's a rapper? I was going to say May has a face right now that is. Singer, baby face. And a producer. And a producer. I thought you were referring to Thomas. Like, oh, we could ask the baby face. Oh, baby face Thomas.
Thomas has a mustache that throws a wrench in the little bit of the baby face. Not really. I think somebody just got a new nickname. Sorry, Thomas. Are you referring to the singer or Thomas? Have you ever seen Thomas without a mustache? I have. Yeah. Which one do you like better?
I like the mustache. I'm a mustache fan. I really like mustaches. It's a sophisticated stache. On our group text thread, could you send a non-mustache picture of Thomas? Yes. In fact, I have a picture that I love of Thomas in the olden days of working for us where he's got a baby bottle going into a newborn's mouth. And I think he might be on the phone too. And he's got no mustache.
Oh, I want that so badly, that picture. Do you know what that sounds like? It sounds like the start of a rom-com. Oh, does it ever. I'll probably be in it. Like a Michael Keaton rom-com. Remember, he used to do a bunch of rom-coms back before he was Batman. Really? Yeah, he was a stand-up comedian first. No. Yes, he started the comic...
It's a comedy store. I love knowing that and I also don't want to see his stand-up. I've actually never seen his stand-up so I don't know anything about it. Just in case, because it would have been late 70s, early 80s or something. I just don't want to ruin how much I love him.
And just in case it was like really offensive. What if he starts like an arena tour, his comeback tour? Everybody would be like, as what? What is he coming back? What is happening? They have remade Beetlejuice. It's coming. Did you know that? Yeah, I'm excited about that. We have a joke, me and Parvati, that if we had a threesome, it would be with Beetlejuice. I don't know where the joke came from or...
That's kind of a disgusting image, but... Him or just the Beetlejuice? The character. Or him as Beetlejuice. Does it matter? It matters to me. I'm trying to picture this, too. Yeah, you guys sort that out. Is it the real Beetlejuice or... Mine is Charlize, but Charlize from Monster. Charlize from Monster. Yeah.
oh what a podcast what a podcast what a podcast
Always a pleasure, guys. Always a pleasure. I just love talking to my handsome, my handsomes. My handsome little ladies. Mm-hmm. We've all got some shows coming up. You can come and see us. I'm tonight, actually, at the Elysian with Stephanie Allen and Alana Johnston doing improv, and that's live streamed as well, so you can come to that. Or May 17th, I'm at Largo. Yeah.
with a bunch of great guests and doing new material. Tig, what do you got going on? - Well, I'm just bopping around town in Los Angeles working on new material at Largo and Dynasty Typewriter. And please check out my new standup special.
On Prime Video called Hello Again. What about you, Fortune? I have an L.A. show as part of the Netflix's A Joke Festival May 11th. Mateo Lane, Chelsea Handler, myself, Sam Jay at the YouTube Theater. Toronto, I'll be at Massey Hall May 18th. And then casino shows this summer. New Buffalo, Michigan, Atlantic City, New Jersey, Niagara Falls, New York, and Charlestown, West Virginia.
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Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!