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Hey handsome listeners, we're very excited to announce a handsome live show on Monday, February 12th that you can stream from anywhere in the world. Our first show was so much fun that we're doing it again and we'll be taking your guys' questions.
Plus, we're going to have a bunch of surprises and maybe a special guest or two. So get tickets at DynastyTypeWriter.com now and join us. Again, it's February 12th. Your link will last all week and you can get tickets at DynastyTypeWriter.com. Handsome Pod. Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pod. Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pod. Cheers!
- Welcome to another episode of Handsome. It's me, your friend Tig Notaro with my co-hosts. - I'm Mae Martin. - And I'm Fortune Feimster. - And we are... - We're here. - So handsome. - And here. - And we're queer.
And some people haven't gotten used to it. Some people are so not used to it. And I feel bad you guys were just recording ads without me because I'm sick. What happened, little cowboy? You got a cold? Well, thanks for asking, unfortunately. Yeah, I don't know. Everybody's got that like chest thing. And it's not so boring. But I just had an IV this morning. They came to my house and did one of those like... Oh, yeah. I like those. Yeah. It's crazy. Like...
I guess when Rihanna's hungover or whatever, I don't know why I went with her, but... Who's Rihanna? Oh, the singer. Rihanna? Wait. Did you think I was... Yeah. Wait, you say Rihanna. I truly, I was like... Say Rihanna. Is this like a pasta pasta thing? It might be. I think it is. I thought it was Rihanna, but I could be wrong. But also, why her? Does she get... I don't know why my brain went there. I look... Oh. I'm hoping...
I don't know that I'll be extra funny today because I'm like closer to the void. Like the veil between worlds is thin, you know? You know when you do a show and you're sick and you're like, I'm never going to get through this. And then it's weirdly good because you're like trying hard and you're kind of out of it. I always am surprised before I go on stage when I'm not feeling well, how it is never an issue when I'm on stage. Like the adrenaline rush.
overrides all completely it's really i mean that's my experience but it's pretty crazy and how are you feeling fortune i'm feeling pretty good i went on a hike uh well i was in the pool this morning doing the treading treading water oh my god i know i'm a pillar of health
And you're up to an hour now, right? I have done an hour, but I'm averaging 45. That's impressive, man. So I got up early, got in the pool, started doing some of that.
And then realized I had a little extra time. So then Jax and I went on a hike because I've just been really busy. But I've been trying to get some fitness stuff in in the mornings before all the crazy work stuff. That's always so good. You feel just great.
-Punch and yeah, ready to go for the day. It's always good to just have your plan or your goal and then you just don't let anything get in the way of it. You're just like, "I'm doing this." -If I don't get to it, then I don't always get to it. If I don't get to it first, I don't always get to it. I'm trying to be better about that. Although I have been heating the pool when I go to bed,
- Like a warm bath, you're slipping into a warm bath. - Yeah, so Jax got in it the other day and she's like, "It's like a hot tub in here." She's like, "Our gas bill's gonna be astronomical." - Was she treading with you or was she just floating around talking about finances?
She loves floating around talking about finances. She got in right after me because I had to start my radio show. And she was going to, she's like, let me try this treading water thing. But we don't have a deep end. And we're both really tall. You don't have a deep end? No, it's like five feet. Oh, whoa. I've had to do a kind of a sort of breaststroke thing.
treading thing. I'm kind of scooting around in a circle. That's the thing. It doesn't matter as long as you are staying afloat. I've been in pools like that where I just swim or just do other strokes that I think maybe I made up. You should patent some strokes, Tig. I have many to show you. They're little. They are the treading thing.
that I have or strokes that I've come up with. And I challenge you, Fortune, though, to tread water in an unheated pool. Oh, my gosh. You do that? It gets harder and harder. I have done it. And I'm telling you, when I've gotten out of the pool that was not heated after treading water for one hour, I felt like...
I like King Kong. I was just like, I had so much energy. I was so I my whole day I was on cloud nine. That's like an insane cold plunge. Yeah. Well, did you know that when you do cocaine, your dopamine increases 2.5 times, but it but it maxes out at nine minutes and then it starts going
plummeting again but when you do a cold plunge it goes two point in a cold plunge it's 2.5 times as well same as cocaine but it lasts for two and a half hours and it's climbing the whole time like the two and a half hours after your dopamine is still going up so yeah all these coke addicts need to just jump in a cold river yeah they probably are they're probably doing that too but
But I'm telling you, when I tread water in a cold pool, my whole day I'm amped. Yeah. Okay. Maybe I'll heat it a little, but not as much.
No. Tig wants you to go. I can't imagine getting in there for an hour in a cold ass pool. Let me be honest. Let me be totally honest. I mean a pool that is not heated in the summertime. Yeah. I mean, LA is not crazy cold, but it dips to like 40 at night. Yeah. Yeah. So in the early morning, you're talking about a pretty chilly pool. Yeah. Well, in the summertime, in the morning, that version of a chilly pool, once it warms up,
I challenge you to that. In the summer, for sure, I'm going to be scooting around that cold pool. In fact, I'm going to come over and we'll scoot around together. Please. Yeah. Let's do it. Put it on the list, Thomas. Do you think it'd be good for immunity? I feel like swimming and cold water, that's good for everything. When you guys were kids, did your parents have any weird home remedies when you were sick? My mom used to grate an apple with a grater.
So it was just a bowl of like grated apple. My grandmother had a lot of homemade remedies because that's, you know, how older folks of that generation, they would be like, I've got a book and it tells me all the things that I need to do. Like she would have an aloe plant. So if there was a sunburn, she'd break off a piece of the aloe stem. Well, sure, sure, sure. But her favorite remedy was putting in...
a suppository no stop what do you mean your favorite when you have a sunburn i mean hey when you have a sunburn you put in a suppository just any ailment she'd be like i think you need a suppository oh my god i don't know but i was young i didn't know how many suppositories did you get i think i had a lot
Oh my God. And did you insert it yourself or did, I didn't have my grandma put anything up my butt. Thank you. God, but how she'd be like, Oh, your tummy hurts. I know what you need. I was like, Oh boy, here we go. Oh my gosh. Did you start to just keep your ailments to yourself? Cause you're like, Oh, I know what I'm getting. If my head hurt, here's the suppository. So I didn't tell her I was gay. Oh,
Oh, no, you did not. But for real, a lot of suppositories. I think that was an old school, like, they just felt like that was the thing. You had to clear it out. Hmm.
Just get it out of your butt. Yeah. Get it out of your butt. Or drink a Coca-Cola. So to get it out of your butt, you have to put that in there? Yeah. So you're putting yet another thing in there? Mm-hmm. Yet another thing. It was not pleasant. It was not pleasant. I haven't had one since she's...
I wonder where she got that, if it was like intergenerational suppositories or if she just kind of was into it. Well, we have a long line of people in our family. Her mother did it for her and her mother did it for her. Was she ever at an age where she was confused and was like, I have to put an aloe...
plant in your bottom once I hit 16 I think I stopped the suppositories so that was when she started 16? maybe 15 fortune once I could drive out of there and go buy your own suppositories
I never hear that word anymore. Maybe because it was very old school. That's the word, right? Suppository. The thing that is in your bed. Yeah. How do you think it's crazy that when you're a kid, you just are like, all right, I guess like whatever anyone tells you is going to make you feel better. You're just like, you've got to do it until you turn 16. I also had, uh, when I was born really blonde hair like this, like right now my hair is pretty blonde. And,
as I got older it started getting a little darker and she was like oh no suppository time we gotta get those blonde curls back in there so when I would go to t-ball she would we gotta get those blonde curls back in there
Like, oh, we couldn't. What were they turning, brown? They were just getting a little darker. They're probably turning into normal adult hair from being toddler hair. When I was only five, I would go to T-Ball and she was like, well, you're already going to be out in the sun. She goes, you know, um...
she would squeeze lemon juice all over my hair yeah yeah my mom this woman sounds like a mess yeah i would go play t-ball with lemon juice on my hair but she didn't take it suppository in your she didn't take into consideration that at some point i would sweat and the sweat would bring the lemon juice into my eyeball oh my god
I'm like trying to hit a tea bowl and like swinging all over the place because I can't see anything. Well, whenever I would go out to eat with my family, my mother would, you know, I mean, I guess I could have gone into the bathroom to wash my hands like a civilized person with soap and water. But my mother would always take the lemon off the table and squeeze the lemon juice in my hands and have me rub my hands together. Yeah, it's sticky, you know?
No, it's a natural remedy. Unless you have a cut on your hand and then you're screaming. Then you're screaming. Yeah, well, if that happens, just grab a suppository. Or an aloe, a strip of aloe. I have at the moment, I put like...
I was putting on moisturizer, I guess. And then my girlfriend had these like, oh, you're on board. It puts the lotion on it. We were talking about that. The lotion and the basket. Yeah. And so my girlfriend has these self tanning drops. And so I added them to the moisturizer, added a couple, put it on my face. And then I wake up in the morning. I don't know if you can see. I'm not giving you the finger, but
It's brown. It looks like I have poo on my finger. It does look like you have a poo finger. Looks like somebody was doing a suppository. I know. It looks like this fake tan has pooled around my middle finger and I have just a poo finger now and I don't know what to do. What an interesting poo finger thing if somebody was only tanning
A portion of one finger. Yeah. Do you self-tan, Fortune? Would your grandmother want that? I went to a tanning bed once in high school.
Because that was all the rage in the late 90s was the tanning. Also in the 80s. Let's not forget my elderly crew. Shout out. You know who has a tanning salon attached to their salon is our friend Debbie. Really? Yeah, yeah. You can go get your hair cut and then you can, in the same building, you could go get a little tan. Oh, a drop of sun never did anyone any harm.
Debbie's still rocking the tanning bed. I didn't know people still sold minutes. Well, you have to, right? In England, because isn't it overcast most of the time? Totally. I've never done tanning or sunburning. However, this last summer, we had such an outdoor circus festival of a summer that I got the tannest I've ever been. And people were constantly...
mentioning how tan I was. I mean, you could not get our family indoors. We were at every beach in the world and climbing every mountain and biking and surfing and surfing lessons. It was quite a summer. Seems like it. Yeah, so I just did a natural tanning. Well, you look gorgeous. I guess I was just waiting to hear that. Laughter
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Should we get into our question? Let's do it. Yeah, well, today's questioner is best known for the late night shows he hosted for nearly 30 years, including Late Night and The Tonight Show.
His hit podcast is called Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, and he's one of the funniest people on the planet. That's right. We got our handsome friend, Conan O'Brien, to ask us a question. Oh, man. Hey, handsome pod. Conan O'Brien here. And my question is, if you could go back in time and stop any one thing from happening, what would it be?
Whoa, one thing that you could stop. I was going to say I'm starstruck from hearing his voice. I've met him like two or three times. I'm like a deep fan. I think he's probably one of the reasons I started doing comedy. Yeah, he's so funny. I used to watch him when I was growing up in the...
a masturbating bear and everything. Like how silly he was and, and not, and how self deprecating. And yeah. Yeah. And then he, that's someone who like, you know, meet your heroes. He was so funny when I met him and I was like, thank God he's exactly like you think he's going to be, you know, I grew up watching him like high school into college, uh,
But Tig, you had some pretty epic Conan appearances. I think I watched the one of you scooting the stool across the stage many a times. Yeah, that was fun. I ruined their floor when I was dragging the stool around.
Seriously? Yeah. There's the state. One part of the stage is, I guess, plexiglass where they have lights underneath the plexiglass. And I popped up onto that area with the stool and started dragging it. And they had to replace that whole portion of the stage. And then Conan told me that after I left that day, the sound engineer would replace
play that through the speakers through, uh, when they were doing run throughs, uh, just to drive everybody insane. Just the, the, the sound of the stool dragging on the stage. Oh my gosh. That's amazing. Yeah. My personal, well, I have two other personal favorites of times that I went on Conan. One was when Stephanie and I, before we were an item, I, uh,
wanted to act like yeah i called her and i wanted to act like i was just that i didn't even care that i was on tv and just uh talking to someone that was in your documentary it was great you said um oh you said oh wait i gotta take this real quick he's like all right you guys played so well with each other and then stephanie answers what are you doing you go oh nothing yeah i'm just talking to this guy
Yeah, that was great. And then my last one that I thank you that I really loved was John Doerr, another Canadian. One of the funniest people I think alive. He and I went on there and we did a whole bit about Goldilocks. Yes, I remember this. That was one of my... I don't think I saw that one. I love John Doerr.
I got a good one. Yeah, he's so funny. God, he's so funny. So you would come up with these bits before you would go on to, you're like, I think this could be funny and you would just run it by Conan or you would surprise them.
Well, I just, yeah, I had like this ongoing list of ideas that I had, like that I, that didn't feel like it quite worked for my standup. And I would think, oh, what can I do with this? And then when I would be asked to go on the show, then I would talk to the, you know, segment producer and.
And just run it by them. But it got to a point where they would tell me, oh, Conan trusts you. You can do whatever you want. And so I didn't even really have to run anything by them. In fact, the Stephanie part, he didn't really know what was happening. Oh, wow. That's funny. Yeah. Yeah. He's so funny. So in his question, he's saying in history what we would stop. Yeah, I guess you could interpret it as...
stop an event from your own life or yeah, more broadly from historical history. Yeah. If you could go back in history and stop one thing, what would it be? I mean, a bunch of things coming to mind. I know you probably know, you probably have some facts coming our way. Well, I don't think so. It's more like I,
I'm wondering if you, you know, whatever extinction event happened that killed the dinosaurs, if you stopped that from happening, would humans have still evolved and then it would have been us and the dinos at the same time on the planet? Because that would be pretty cool. It might have humbled us, you know, to have like not be the apex predator. So you would want dinosaurs wandering around with us? Yeah, stop the extinction event. I think we would have gotten eaten, right? Would we have even made it out of that tunnel?
It would be really hard to let Max and Finn go out and play and just be like, "Keep an eye out for the dinosaurs." Yes, I'm scared of coyotes.
Yeah, that's true. So you want to stick with that? No, I'll rethink that now that I'm thinking about Max and Finn. And I don't want them to have to be like scurrying around little holes underground trying to hide from dinos. So no, you're right. Well, it's not just about Max and Finn, but I would be very concerned about them, you know, because they love playing outside and be really stressful if there was a T-Rex that was...
In the neighborhood. And the whole premise of Jurassic Park is basically like you think you want this, but you don't. Yeah. You're right. You see the dinosaurs. Oh my God, this is amazing. They're majestic and gorgeous. And then roar.
Do you know what happened? I talked about this in my animated special on HBO, but it is a real story. I used to work in childcare and this woman that I worked with
drove me batty okay drove me batty and i was cleaning up the room sweeping one day and she came in and she was talking and i was like uh-huh okay yeah yeah yeah was not paying attention and then i heard her say yeah and then the dinosaurs started eating everybody and i said wait what are you talking about and she said have you not heard about it
And I said, no. And she said, oh, yeah. She explained the science behind it and how dinosaurs came back and they were eating people. And I was like, right now? Yeah.
And there was such a miscommunication. I couldn't believe how casually she was telling me that they had brought dinosaurs back and that they're running around eating everybody. I was like, what the hell are we doing here talking about this? We got to go.
I mean, it was terrifying. And I missed that one little chunk of information that it was a movie called Jurassic Park that was out now. That's so funny. I was not familiar. Yeah. But yeah, I just was so used to tuning this woman out. And man, was it terrifying. What was it about her that drove you so batty? Just one of those people. Yeah.
Yeah, just one of those jobs where such a different mix of people end up working together. And I think about it all the time, actually, when I'm on tour, like,
Well, when I was on tour in the early days and staying at kind of low-rent motels, and I'd drive up, show up to this place. It was so seedy. And then behind the desk is like an 80-year-old woman with a gray-haired bun on her head and then like a 19-year-old goth kid. And they're both...
employees working behind the counter on the night shift. And I'm always like, how are they getting through? What are they talking about? What is happening here? And so it was kind of a similar thing in that job where there was somebody maybe my age, I think I was like, I don't know, 25,
two or something and then just yeah she wasn't like a gray-haired bun on the head lady which if you are that's fine I'm I'm two steps behind you with the gray-haired bun on my head I'm just saying like people from
It's crazily different worlds working in these types of jobs. It used to be like that in England when I started touring. You'd go with a bunch of comedians that you didn't know and you'd just see if anyone was driving. Because England's so small, you're just driving up to Glasgow or something. You'd end up on these six-hour drives with these random comics and you'd be like, we would never cross paths in life. This weird assortment of
I remember this one guy was going to drive me up to like Newcastle or something. We were going to do a show and then we'd been texting and he'd been texting like, oh yeah, I'll pick you up XX because in England everyone does X. And then I get there and I got my little guitar to do my musical comedy. And then I get in the car and he goes, oh my God, I'm so sorry. This is so embarrassing. I thought you were a girl. So I was ending all the texts on XX and I was like, oh yeah, this is back when I...
Yeah. Anyway, he thought you were a girl. So he thought he thought he was texting a girl. So he was ending on a text with XX and like being really sweet. And I guess talking differently than he would to like a blokey male comic. So then I got in the car and he thought I was a blokey male comic. So he was like, oh, shit. Sorry. I thought because your name that you were a girl. So I was texting with all these X's.
It was so uncomfortable because then we had a six hour drive together after that. He's like, I take back my exes. You didn't identify as non-binary then? No. So I was like, I am a girl. And he was like, oh, yeah. Oh, sorry. Oh, anyway. So what's the show we're doing? Like this.
So embarrassing. Oh my gosh. That's wild. In those situations, I just go way overboard trying to make the person feel comfortable and not embarrass myself. I was just like, anyway, I think you're such a good comedian. I am a boy. Yeah. Whatever you want me to be, I can be. Or like in Serbia, I went on tour in Serbia and I ended up in this car with all these like weird...
Serbian comedians drinking this plum liqueur that they were passing around and they're smoking in the car with the windows up. And I was just like, what is this job? Like, yeah. Is there a big comedy scene in Serbia? No, it's really in its infancy. And so you got these- I would imagine. Totally. And you have these Serbian guys who are basically-
imitating American comics that they're just discovering. So you've got like the guy who's doing Mitch Hedberg and you got the guys doing like, it's crazy. Yeah. There's like a small scene of Budapest too. That's trying to start. Had you gone to do any comedy there? No. Have you?
Mm-mm. I have not either. You just heard on the grapevine. I just heard I had a friend that randomly went to the show there. Let's go, guys. And they were trying a little scene going. Get the handsome crew out there. Out to Budapest. Serbia first. Chat with friends on the handsome pod.
Internationally. Now, not to, you know, come out of Fortune solo. Thank you. That she's taken there. Yeah, apologies. I was thinking...
I'm forgetting what that time period is. I guess it was around World War II, just when everything became... Oh, like the Industrial Revolution. Was that around World War II? Pre... Before World War I, so around 1900-ish. Okay, I have a seventh grade education, so my apologies. But that is the time that concerns me the most because I feel like that's when...
the planet started to go to hell. That's so true. So if you could like isolate, like the one guy who invented like petrol, like combustion engines or something, fuck yeah. That man, because that's when Dickens was writing and the way he describes just like the thick smog in London. And he said that the Thames river was like a,
poisonous snake from all the like chemicals and he described like these piston heads of the big machines and he said that they they moved like like a he said like a crazed elephant that was stuck in its cage at the zoo and just going nuts. Mm.
And moving its head, that always haunted me. It said it started in 1760 and it ended in 1840. The Industrial Revolution? Wow, was I way off. That's what this says. There were two. There was one that was the time that May sang, too.
And what time does it say what time frame that was? 1870 to 1914. It's called the second industrial revolution. Okay. Well, whatever, all of the pollution and everything that happened to this planet during that time period, I would, I mean, obviously it's so great to have advancements in, in,
certain areas, but it's just such a bummer. Yes. And for like a hundred years, it's like we're driving towards a cliff and there's all these turning points that we could take. We're just like, whatever. We're about to get eaten by a pterodactyl. What about you, Fortune? I was trying to think in my head, like, would I go way back in time or like a more recent thing? Like, like, would I go to where the pandemic started? Yeah.
However that broke out. And then have that not happen? Have that not happen, maybe? So you're good with like a polluted planet? I mean... You're interpreting. Anything else we say now, you're going to be like, so you don't give a shit?
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Well, I thought I had to pick something different. We couldn't all go in on the second industrial revolution. If you cared. I mean, I do care for sure. I don't want to get eaten by pollution dinosaurs for sure. What about in your personal life? Is there any moment in your...
either of your personal lives that you would go back and stop? I always go back to, I wish I never smoked a cigarette in my life. I just, I think about it every day and I can see the impact that it's had in different areas of my health. And it's just, it's like once you lose your health in certain ways, you can't turn back. And it's just such a bummer that like,
I just wish I didn't do that. How long did you smoke? Oh my God. I smoked from the time, I mean, not consistently, but I started smoking around eight or nine. And then I- Yeah. Yeah. I was like a real huckleberry tig. How did you get a cigarette at eight or nine? They were laying around? Everybody in my family smoked and I could just smoke in my bedroom because the whole house smelled like smoke.
So it wasn't like I had to go hide somewhere and do it. The whole place reeked of smoke. And so that's what my friends used to call me. I'm picturing you in your, you're in like a kid's bedroom. You're like your eight year old bedroom. You're reading like Charlotte's web, but you got a cigarette. No, I'm listening to the Beatles. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I, I started, uh,
very casually smoking at that age and then I would say when I was 11 is when I started smoking and then by the time I was probably 13 14 maybe it was a little old it might have been around 15 16 I was I was fully I had dropped out of school I was two packs a day smoking yeah we're very similar yeah yeah same time frame I was a big old dork I had like
puff and I was like that's gonna hurt my singing voice yeah you're like how am I gonna hit that big note I'm a delicate flower I can't be smoking on these six
I do wish like the first time I was about to do coke that someone said you could do a cold plunge just get in this ice bath instead. So is that what you would go back on May is you wouldn't want to do coke or is there something else? I think like we've maybe touched on this before that I'm because I like my life so much right now I'm always wary to fuck with the past when a wizard presents me with the opportunity to go back in time and like change something like I'm a wizard.
I'm like, I don't trust this guy. Like, would you trust that voice? Maeve, would you like to go back in time and change one thing? I can do it because I am a wizard. What is your name? Why did you choose me and what's your name? My name is Willie the Wizard. And I have come to just change one thing. And I promise...
If you change that one thing, nothing else bad will happen. Link, link. I do not trust this guy, Tig. I do. I do. Hey, Willie, what's up? What's up? Yeah, hey, I'm Tig. Hello, Tig. Yes, if you could take cigarettes out of my past, I'd really appreciate it. Well, I...
I had a mission to grant one person one wish, and this feels like a lot to ask for another, but I guess I can also grant you one wish. There are a few things that might happen if I take that one thing away. Some other things might happen that weren't great. Like in a photograph of Tig, people just start fading out. You know what I mean? Like the butterfly effect of that one change. Yeah.
-Can I show you a picture of me long ago smoking a cig? -I'd love that. -I have to go. Goodbye. -Let me show you. This is about as gay, long-haired smoking as one can get. Changing attire. -Oh my God. Holy shit. -You look like such a dyke.
Can you send that to us? Yeah, can we get that on our phones? Okay. Tig looks so dykey butch. And my hair is long. Your hair is so long. It's like the gayest...
Photo. I've got, I mean, I'm changing a tire. I've got grease all over me. Dave Grohl and Nirvana. Seriously, that is like album cover material. Yeah, I should probably post that on social media now that we're talking about it. What am I doing keeping this a secret? Let the world in. Well, that's a good one. Taking back the smoke. And Mae, I think you're not sure about the cocaine because you probably rehab, you know, transformed you in a lot of ways. Yeah.
Well, I've managed to monetize my trauma in a lot of ways. So I'm like, well, I mean, isn't that what our job is as a comedian? Sort of. Yeah. I think I would go, you know, there's this one night where I was, I was dancing in a bar and having so much fun and feeling really confident. This is recently, like six years ago or something. And I was like, oh my God, I'm feeling so like, I
I'm dancing so confidently with all my friends. And I'm not a natural dancer, but I was like a bit drunk. And then this really beautiful Argentinian woman came up to me and was dancing with me. And I was like, oh, my God. Yes. And then she leans over and she goes, don't be Pinocchio. And I went, what?
what? And she goes, don't be Pinocchio. You're so stiff like Pinocchio and awkward. It's okay. You can dance, move, try and loosen up. And I was like, I will never dance again. I hate you and myself. I was, and I went and sat down and I was like, fuck that. Like,
I really thought I'd crested a hill with like dancing. So that's maybe I'd go back and I'd take away the woman saying, don't be Pinocchio. Cause every time I dance, I think don't be Pinocchio. I wouldn't take away any of the big hard things that happened. Cause like you're saying, may I do think that builds a lot of things that you need for other obstacles later in life. I would maybe go back and,
eat more fruit and vegetables and have it be something that is such a part of my life as a kid that I love it and crave it as an adult. I might have messed with the suppositories, though. That's probably why I was taking suppositories. I didn't have enough fruit and vegetables. I probably wouldn't need those. I'm going to save my butt.
From all those suppositories, I've just eaten some Brussels sprouts. If you needed to have somebody help you with a suppository, would you ask Jax? Oh, I thought you were going to volunteer. No, no. I don't care what...
medical situation you were in, I would not do that for you. I would do it. Of course I'd do it. Plugging some butts with the handsome pod. Plugging some butts with the handsome pod. I'm asking about this because one of my favorite stories that Kevin Nealon has told is when he and his wife Susan first met
He was so constipated. - Oh no. - I can't stop telling everybody this story, but he was so constipated, he was in fetal position when she came over for a date. - What? - And he was like, "Can you go get a suppository for me, please?" - What? - Wow.
And he said that the image he used that just kills me is that he said that, and she did this. She inserted the suppository. On a first couple of dates? I don't know if it was first. It was the first couple of dates. He said it was like trying to insert a suppository into a brick wall. Oh, my God. And he said that after she did it, he thought,
oh gosh now she's seen this should i push her down the stairs and kill her or marry her yeah yes and they're still together but um one of my i don't know why i love that story so much i guess it truly just sounds like the worst nightmare possible yeah if i was susan i would think this guy's in he's got a suppository fetish he's pretending he wants me to
Yeah, I'm way too like I as soon as I'm sick or have to like I wish Parvati thought I was like a machine like I don't want to show any vulnerability and I want to always look so fresh. But when I do get sick and I have to like accept care in that way, I'm like I suddenly turned so soft. Like I'm I'm.
I would propose to any of you right now. Like I get very romantic and kind of like insecure. Like I'm scared I'm going to propose in my sleep. You like to be cared for, nurtured. Do you think I do? And that's, I think I hate it. And I get so like,
It seems like you love it. It seems like I love it. Yeah. And so wait, is that like your biggest fear of proposing? Yeah. Yeah. In my sleep. Just because I'm so insecure that I'm being seen as, you know, as vulnerable and human and not like a kind of sex robot that I'm like,
oh god i guess will you marry me like i don't know that i don't know why my mind is a sex robot anymore that's what you want to be seen as for sure sex robot yes completely but i love to care for people and i'm not squeamish at all and like i'm i love when people are like i had a girlfriend who used to every morning we'd wake up people are i love when people are sick oh
I dated this woman who every morning when we would wake up, she had like stomach problems. She at first, like she thought I was still asleep and I would just hear her. I feel her body tense. And then she'd be like, and I go, did you just fart? And she's like, Oh God, sorry. I just, anyway. And then she was like, yeah. Oh, sorry, man. No, but then it turned out that I was,
It didn't turn me on, but I was like, it's so cool that you're confident enough to just fart on me in bed. It started to almost like it wasn't a fart fetish, but I was like, it's so badass because she stopped. She stopped trying to hide it. So we'd wake up and she'd just go and fart. And I'd be like crying, laughing. And I was like, it's really cool because I would never in a million years.
Do you know what I mean? Kind of or no? About the fetish? Just how cool it is if someone's like that unembarrassed about farting. And it's like, it's hot because they're like, I know you're so obsessed with me that you won't even care if I just fart. Of you guys, I think I'd probably feel most comfortable weirdly having Thomas put a suppository. I find him really calm. Thomas!
He's got a very nurturing energy. Do you find that, Tig? Yeah, he's very nurturing. I mean, he's nurtured me for nearly a decade. I like to think I've nurtured him in ways as well. No suppositories so far, though. But I would do it. Tombas would say, all right, I've gotten three brands. I googled and these are the top leading brands.
And I went to the internet and I googled what is the best way to insert said suppository. I found the best suppository for each of you as individuals. This one is better for you, Fortune, because it has, and then you list these things. Fruits and vegetables. Now, Thomas, would you suppository us? Would you suppository us? Yeah, if you needed that. What?
In a crisis, in a crisis. Yeah, and you couldn't do it for some reason.
I don't think so out of laziness. If I was like, Thomas, hey, I'm so tired, but I totally need a suppository. Would you suppository me? Oh, she's tired too. All right, I'll do it. Okay. That was pretty easy. That didn't take, that was impressive. What if you ask Willie the wizard? I'll do it, but I'm going to need some things in return. Okay.
What is that, Willie? Two years of gold. Yes.
two years of gold oh my god two years of gold two years of gold I'm starting to think you know how much that is I'm starting to think that Willie the wizard is just a random guy off the street who wandered in no May I'm starting to think Willie the wizard is just Fortune Feimster yeah yeah two years of gold how so wait is it
Two years consistently paying gold. You know exactly how much that is. Don't act like you don't. That is what my kids would have said when they were like three. They would be like, you owe me two years of gold.
Because I would ask them, they always would guess people's ages, people's weight, all that kind of stuff. I don't want them to play that game with me. And they would probably be like, you probably weigh two weeks and four pounds.
You know, like nothing would make sense. And that's what I'm on to with Willie the wizard. Well, he disappeared. I don't know where he went. He got embarrassed. And,
and also it was a he yeah willie god oh i'm sorry i'm sorry that you guys are so caught in gender norms that willie can't be willamina or non-binary and he left would you suppository us
that's the new like test of love you know you were just saying about your kids being funny and then it made me think of some funny stuff that this five-year-old i live with said i don't want to be that person but i have to i got no outlet for this because i don't really do it in stand-up but we were playing go fish and uh i go do you have a six and she looks and she goes no and i went oh damn and she goes you're in hollywood babe she's fine it was really
You're in Hollywood, babe. You're in Hollywood, babe. We were eating and she has like a stuffed animal pig and she kept saying like the pig was my friend and then out of nowhere she goes, Mae's ancestors are pigs. I was like, where'd you learn the word ancestor? Where'd she learn the word pigs? My thanks.
May's ancestors are pigs. I wrote it down because I thought you should like open an email address and email yourself all the funny shit that Max and Finn say so you don't forget it. Didn't I tell you I have a document for their whole life? It goes on for pages. Oh my God. I date everything. It's an ongoing document that I've written down. And when I'm out of town, I have Stephanie text it to me.
If they say anything funny and I add it to the doc and it's so old that the subject title is baby quotes. Oh, they're going to be eight in June. That's so good. Yeah. And what are you going to give it to them like on their 16th birthday or something? Well, I erased it.
No. Such a twist. Yeah, I decided to fuck it. Yeah, just got rid of it. So should we see what Conan has to say? Yes. Okay, handsome pod, here's my answer. I'd go back to 1987 and I would stop the manufacture and sale of compact discs.
Yeah, turned out it was a waste of time. We all bought compact discs. We were told it was really great. Great way to listen to music is a digital. And then, whatever. Short time afterwards, they said, forget it. And by then, I had spent easily, maybe, I don't know, $15,000 on compact discs, often buying the same album over and over and over again, which is on me. I don't know why I did that. It was a compulsive thing. I don't know. I'm thinking about it now, and I'm thinking...
Really? Compact discs? What about stopping World War II? I didn't think of that. I should probably go back and say I'd stop World War II. Shit. I didn't think about this enough. Okay. All right. Well, it's too late. I'm going with compact discs. Compact discs, 1987. Not World War II.
Damn it. Did you guys buy a lot of CDs? I think that's a, that's really made me think that answer. Well, I guess similar with like Blu-ray and like VHS. I had a lot of CDs. Yeah. You still have them? Um, I think I finally tossed them when we sold our house. I had like the big, what do you call these things? The stacks that were in a thing that you flip. CD stacks? Sure. Yeah. Yeah.
No, but the folder thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love CDs.
You do? I was kind of bummed when everything went digital. I was like, oh, this isn't as fun. Well, because now you don't really own anything, right? Yeah, it's all just out there. I liked having to choose one CD to take out for the day on my Discman and you'd listen to the whole album all the way through, you know, and then, you know, it always skips. So you'd have to hold your Discman kind of flat. I used to be so stoked to get the CD because it had all the lyrics.
in the folder thing and then you could sing along because that's before you could google the lyrics anything so i was like oh that's what they're saying yeah i loved uh reading the lyrics and also looking at any pictures that were on the inside sleeve oh i guess i'm thinking more of vinyl right now but i've loved vinyl record sleeves pull that out we
We should have just skipped CDs and tapes and stuck with vinyl, right? Easy to play in the car. There was nothing better than someone making you a mixtape. That means they were like really...
Digging you. I used to make mixtapes with, and I made one called like comedy mixtape. And so I would rent from Blockbuster. My favorite, it would be like Billy Madison with Adam Sandler. And I'd like fast forward and find the funniest lines. And then I'd record them onto the mixtape. And then, so I had this compilation of just like funny lines from movies and comics. And like, I'd put on my mom's Steve Martin vinyl and then like record the line of him being like, you know,
you know, excuse me. So this was just a psychotic tape of just like, I just miss. Wow. I love it. Well, that was a real treat to have Conan O'Brien visit the
The Handsome Pod. Truly an honor. Is there anything we want to talk about before we head out of here? Well, we have a live streaming show happening February 12th. We're doing a show at the Dynasty Typewriter. It's going to be all about love, but not just for our friends and relationships, for our single friends as well. Mm-hmm.
Whatever your questions are regarding that can be also about coming out. It could be about meeting people. It could be about our experiences, whatever you want. We can also give advice. It's going to be,
so fun and you can watch it from anywhere i think we've sold out the in-person tickets already but you can stream it from anywhere in the world and you go to dynastytypewriter.com and you get the link and you can watch it for like a whole week even if your time zone is um different you can watch it whenever you want i might dress as a pretty little lady please oh my god please i'll be whatever your version of handsome is that's what we want you should dress as you changing the tire on
Yeah, long hair, cigarette, backwards cap. Full of grease. Do you guys have any shows that you want to promote? Well, I have a show that Stephanie and I have been doing called She Said, She Said at Largo. And it's where we talk about our family and each other and issues that have come up. It's like my dream comedy show is watching you and Stephanie talk. That's so great. I will be there.
Well, it is very fun. And that's at Largo. And then I have some shows at Dynasty Typewriter. And then I'm also going to be in Peekskill, New York on March 8th. And then they added another show in Waterville, Maine on March 10th. Come on out.
And we'll see you there. What about you, Fortune? I'm on tour. So if you want to catch a show, February 18th, I'll be in Poughkeepsie, New York, then Houston, Texas, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Wilmington, and Durham, North Carolina in mid-March. Los Angeles, got a big show there on March 23rd at the theater at the Ace Hotel. San Luis Obispo,
Albany, New York Hartford, Connecticut New York City on March 30th at the Beacon Theater Bakersfield, California Rancho Mirage then Seattle and Toronto go to fortunefeimster.com for tickets nice I've got a
actually live streaming two nights at the Elysian on the 15th and 16th of February with Stephanie Allen, Tig's wife, and Alana Johnston. We're doing two nights in a row of improv that we're going to also live stream. So you can get
get tickets to that. And then I'm at Largo on the 24th of February with amazing guests. I got Zooey Deschanel. Um, yeah, it's going to be sick. Last but not least, we have merch. We have great merch, some really cool stuff. So check it out with people have been sending us their pictures with their handsome shirts on and hats and all the stickers. It's so cool. Um,
seeing people out in the world being handsome. Seeing people at our shows too, like our live shows wearing the merch. It's very surreal and very cool. And as always, we're so grateful to everyone for listening and getting into the pod. Yeah. Really. It's so exciting. You can get that merch at handsome pod.com. So go, go,
Go do that. And as we always say, tell your friends about the show. Subscribe, tell friends, share an episode. If you have a favorite episode, share it with who you think would like it. It's really fun to watch the show grow. And I don't know, until next time. Keep it handsome. Handsome.
Handsome is hosted by me, Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. Follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!