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-Welcome to another episode of the Handsome Pod. It's your gal Fortune and I'm joined by-- -Tig Notaro. -Tig Notaro and your guy, Mae Martin. -Yes, guys. What's up, my handsomes? -Not much. Good to see you as always. -It's good to see you guys. -Always.
Mm hmm. I just got back from my sister in law's wedding. Oh, boy. Yeah. How was that? I don't know why I said oh, boy. It sounded like the setup to a joke. Boy, are my arms tired. And boy, are they together. Yeah, it was fun. They have a baby. And so I was on the dance floor last night. Ooh.
with the baby in the baby carriage and I got a big dance train going on the dance floor and I was leading it with a baby. That's so good. This is why you're worn out today. Well, yeah, and possibly the flu, but we'll see. Nothing can hold me back from a handsome pie. I'll tell you, there's nothing more germy than a conga line.
really no no look at the fear on tig's face no way it's just hips and hands conga line fine hips and hands are full of germs i know it depends on where your hips and hands went did you also do the electric slide there's a lot of germs in that is that where you roll around on the floor no you've never done the electric slide look at me and ask me that again tig have
Have you ever done the electric slide? I've heard of it, but I refuse to ever do the electric slide. I will do a baby carriage choo-choo train dance. Yeah. What is the electric slide? It's just this one. You can feel it. It's electric. Boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie. So there's an actual song for it. Oh, I didn't know that. What? Guys! Have we never been to weddings? What's happening? What?
There's two group dances that are always played at weddings. The electric slide, boogie, woogie, woogie, woogie, and then the Cupid shuffle. I have never... Down, down, turn around, turn around, get to the left, to the left, to the left, to the left. Were any of those songs played at this wedding? Absolutely not. No, I've never... Absolutely not. What weddings are y'all going to?
This is crazy. This is what gets all of the people going at the party. I feel like you're going to Adam Sandler's wedding. In the 90s. Yeah. And that you haven't been to a wedding since Adam got married. These days it's just people grooving to Billie Eilish, baby. I wish I had gone to Adam Sandler's wedding. I did not. But it probably did have the electric slide and it was probably awesome. But people still...
do the electric slide a lot. You go to the right and then you go to the left and then you go back, back, back and then back. So every wedding you go to, these terrible songs are playing. You need to watch your mouth. The big reveal is that Fortune is a wedding DJ and playing all these songs at every wedding. Actually, I would probably be a pretty great wedding DJ. Okay, you and Jax got married, just the two of you, right? On a beach. Yeah.
Yes. So I didn't get to. Did you do the electric slide? No, you need a whole room full of people. But you don't. I think it's beautiful. You just did it and it was electric. It depends what you're looking for. Yeah. I mean, I would only do electric, the electric slide if it was just me and Stephanie. You know what I mean? Well, I'm going to teach you how to do it. Mm.
When would we possibly carve out time for me to learn the electric slide from you? After Thanksgiving. Around the time when you guys are teaching me to drive. We'll also... Oh, yeah. We have to teach me to drive. Thomas, put that on the list. Put it on the list. We're going to teach me... I have a lot of things to teach you guys. We got to put a video together of fortune teaching...
Wait, Thomas, do you know how to do the electric slide? Boogie, woogie, woogie, woogie. I just went to my brother's wedding and they did the electric slide. No. Yes. Oh, my God. Vindicated. Yes.
So, okay, they did the electric slide, but did you know how to do it? And did you participate, Thomas? I did. Like, I wouldn't know the song by heart. I would need the cues. But there were people who definitely knew it by heart. Don't they say to slide? And then you... Electric slide. But it's that... You're not moving on that. You can feel it. It's electric. Oh, it's not the one where it's like two steps. Oh, my God. See?
Okay, so Thomas, you're not familiar either. Okay, put it on your list and we will make a video. We will make a video of Fortune teaching the three of us. Is that the Cuban Shuffle? No, that's a different one. Oh my God. Who cares? Is that the Wobble? Who?
Who cares? Not a single person listening cares. Moving on. What is it, little cowboy? What were you going to ask? Yeah, what's up, little cowboy? I was just wondering if that baby was asleep or awake. Oh, coming back to the important questions. That baby was needing to go to sleep. Yeah. And I have to say, I love a baby. I love a sack of one potato in my arm. Me too. And that little baby...
was really trying to stay up to party, but is only nine months old in a little cotton tux that covers up his feet, you know, like snapped into his tux. And his bow tie is like on the back of his head. You know, he's a baby. He doesn't have any information. So he's my nephew and I wanted to spend some time with him.
But I also thought, well, I could probably try and get him to sleep. By bringing him onto the dance floor. Onto the dance floor. And I was dancing him through everybody. And it was so fun because he would turn and, you know, just be completely dazzled by his adorable face. And then I was like, you know what?
Let's just get the train going. And he finally went to sleep. Hey, did you know that when babies are... Uh-oh. When babies are... Mayfax. No. Mayfax. Yeah, but maybe with a twist. Because guess what, guys? When babies are not wanting to nap, and they should, in a way, are they not resisting a rest? No.
Wow. Yeah, you're right. That was not a May fact. Oh my God. That was a May joke. I can't take your face didn't even register a single movement in reaction to that. It was completely still and you were kind of... Well, I guess because I just wondered why you did that.
Why I gathered everyone's attention. You were like, oh, there's a baby story. Let me get this one out of the old treasure chest. I've never had an opportunity to organically slip. Would you call that organic? How I slipped that in? No. That's not very organic and natural to me. It feels like you wedged that in. We're talking about... You wedged... Speaking of a wedge. Speaking of a wedge. You wedged. I don't know. What about wedges? I ate a wedge at the wedding. A wedge salad? No.
That's right, fortune, a wedge salad, not a shoe. But with no blue cheese, right? That's right. Because that's not vegan. No blue cheese, no bacon, no dressing. Just the lettuce. I basically created my own salad. And when I say created, nobody's ever thought of this kind of salad. I said, may I have some tomatoes, may I have some avocado, may I have some lettuce.
Well, whatever else I asked for. Yeah. They brought it. Good. Yeah, it was delicious. I love that. This is a boring story. I should remember this story for Max and Finn at bedtime. Oh, wait. I can see you're getting delivered. Oh, this is exciting. This is so exciting. We have a chamomile tea coming in. Hi, Stephanie. It's flying in for Tig. Stephanie. We got to say hi to Stephanie. May insisted that I. Hi, Stephanie.
You're so sweet to fly in a T. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm new to having T. Tick has a sore throat. Tick's got a sore throat from all of this electric sliding at the wedding. Do you know how to do the electric slide? Yeah, Stephanie. Show us, Stephanie, show us. Stephanie is not the dancer in our family. You can't be led. It's electric. Boogie, woogie, woogie, woogie.
why can't i remember any more words to that song bye thank you love you dearly
Well, I was saying before we were rudely interrupted by my wife bringing me a cup of tea. At bedtime, I tell Max and Finn boring stories. And I don't know if I've told you, they call me Mare, which is French for mother. And they'll be like, Mare, can you tell us one of your boring stories? And I'm like, I would be happy to.
And I sit down in their little chair and tell them about, you know, when I was pulling into the parking lot today and what color cars and what time it was. I get lost in the very unnecessary detail of a story that goes nowhere. And it puts them to bed. Oh, my gosh. Just snoozing their little faces off. That's so cute. Yeah, it's pretty cute.
You can make a lot of money recording those and selling them as like a sleeping aid for kids. Takes boring stories. What is a lot of money? We're talking in the hundreds. At least. What are we talking? $40. Yeah. Okay. Fortune, how was your weekend? Hmm.
My weekend was good. It was pretty low key. It was a rare weekend, not on the road. I've been touring like crazy. But I did something for the first time that I know Tig loves. The electric slide? No, if I had been at a wedding, I would have. I played pickleball for the first time. Now, this is a huge sport among those over 60 and lesbians.
And it's hard. I almost broke my ankle. It's just tennis, right? But smaller court? It's not tennis. Now, you would think it was tennis. I've played tennis my whole life. I played tennis in college. I was like, I'm going to be amazing at pickleball. You find pickleball harder than tennis. Yeah. Because...
I don't need to yell at me. Because I've been playing tennis since I was like five. I know I could hit a ball with my eyes closed. I know how long my racket is. We'll be testing that. Okay. And Thomas had that to the list with the maze. Gonna drive us there.
With the pickleball thing, the handle's so small, I kept shanking it. Okay, so your main problem is just the muscle memory of tennis is preventing you from adapting. That's one of the problems. Okay, next problem. Problem number two. The ball kind of dies. It dies.
It deadens. Excuse me? I'm used to a nice big bounce with a tennis ball. Oh, and this is more like a squash ball or what? It's like you kind of got to lunge for it a lot. And they say that, do you guys know that there's like an insane amount of injuries happening with pickleball? Yes.
Yes. Really? It's like an orthopedics like dream. I know. It's a lot. And I was going to say, I don't lunge for anything. Oh, you just let it stop working? Yeah. I'm like, Thomas and I play pickleball together. Oh, I didn't know this. Well, now you know. Thomas. Word is out. You didn't tell us you were a pickleball fiend. He teaches me every time we play because I'm bad at learning things.
Yeah. You're a rebel. Across the board. A maverick. Yeah. And also, I don't lunge for anything. It's kind of like a motto for life for you, I think. Yeah. It's like the gentle rule of attraction stuff comes to you. That doesn't work for me. That is out of balance. Well, again, look, I was raised by a mother who told me to tell everyone to go to hell. Okay. And that's instilled in me. She's like, sweetie, if they have a problem with you, they can all go to hell. So,
So I'm basically playing pickleball thinking, okay, that's out of my reach. So that ball or my opponent can go to hell. Go to hell. Go to hell. Go right to hell. Straight to hell. Well, the competitor in me was lunging and I almost broke my ankle. I literally stepped on the ball. I was lunging for it. I stepped forward and somehow the ball went under my foot.
foot and i smashed the ball with my foot who were you playing against lesbians just uh just a gaggle of lesbians i don't feel drawn to to play it you've never played it may no i'm not very good at i think i i used to like soccer but i'm not great at team sports i'd like to get more into poker that's something i that feels like a healthy choice definitely not a sport is it not
No. Wait, this is a genuine question. That's a gambling habit. But is it in the Olympics? He's like, I used to do cocaine. Yeah. Is that a sport? Is that a sport? A lot of people have done cocaine and played sports. Is poker in the Olympics? I don't think so. Is that a crazy question? Why would poker be in the Olympics? I don't know. Because it seems to me like you play...
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I think it would be my method would be I'd keep asking them to re-explain the rules. So I'd be hustling them. I'd be like, sorry, what's the highest hand? And then I think I could, I think people would find me unthreatening and then I could slip in there. I could see that. Yeah. So you're not sporty at all. You're not into any sports. I'm into weights these days, lifting weights. I even started getting calluses on my hands from lifting the weights. And I bought little gloves. That's pretty handsome. Yeah.
But no, I used to play soccer. I think I would like sports. Yeah. You seem like you'd be quick. I think I would like sports. I'm just waiting for the right time to get in there and enjoy myself with friends. Maybe in a few years I'll consider it. I don't think you'd like pickleball. No. I'd like to watch you guys play though. I'll cheer you on. I think Tig likes it a lot though, right? I do. I've just had some trouble with my leg. Broke my femur. So I'm a little hobbled.
over the past couple of years. But whatever. I did tape the Celebrity Pickleball Tournament with a broken leg. With a broken leg? Oh my gosh. That's correct. Broken femur. What? How did you break your femur? It is... I've got...
Nothing we need to get into. But basically, I lost my balance. Oh, my God. Yes. Well, I almost broke my ankle within two minutes of playing pickleball. So it happens. Yeah. Well, I have not an injury, but I'm also under the weather. But I don't know when this episode... I'm saying this weirdly because I mentioned to you guys that I was going away to an Airbnb trip.
To plan a surprise party, right? What happened? So that was this weekend. I planned this surprise party. And it's all people I don't really know very well. Like it's... I still struggle to say my girlfriend, even though that's what she is. It's her friends who I want to impress. They're like...
They're all very together people, you know. Like what? Are they attorneys or what? Or three-piece suits? What is this? Yeah. Are they handsome? They're all pretty... You know what? They're all stunningly beautiful. You know, there's like someone who teaches at a business college and there's like... Yeah. And I'm trying to make a good impression and I booked this place. Yeah, but you're like smoldering. I'm a little dweeb in a little...
A hat with a propeller. That's how I feel. So you're at an Airbnb partying with... With a business major. Yeah, business people? It's like her sort of chosen family people, you know? Yeah. But you haven't met them yet. This was the first time. I've met some of them, not others. But business degrees everywhere. Sure. And you were just wanting to impress. Yeah, yeah. I get that.
And so we get there on the Friday and, you know, there's three bedrooms or something. Everybody's piling in and sharing. And I get food poisoning on Friday night. Guys. And remember we were saying like, I have never farted in front of anyone, anything like that. It was, it was, there was something evil inside me and I had to share a bed with my GF and I was puke.
puking shitting i was like toxic evil waste coming out and i'm up all night and all morning you paid for the airbnb yes i organized to just go out and have diarrhea yes you're just like meet me diarrhea diarrhea oh my god and i'm like can everyone hear me and at night in the bathroom i'm like clomping back and forth and like you were saying can anyone hear me back here i
wasn't calling out in the night can anyone hear me can anyone hear me do you hear this folks hello do you hear that i'm all alone and hurting can you hear my cries sounds like you had the electric slides oh did i ever did i ever doody woody woody woody
Oh, man. What do you think it was? What did you eat? I know. Look, I don't want to like... Rotten food. Yeah. One million percent rotten food. One million percent. I don't want to slander where... You don't have to say the place. Okay. Well, it was like a fancy... Chipotle doesn't care. Fancy grocery store where they have the like heated food that's out all day. I had... And I think this is all I can think of that I had fortune. Fortune.
That reaction. Wait. I'm sorry. You're telling a diarrhea in bed with your girlfriend story. Okay. I didn't know. I think it's reasonable that fortune. I don't know how I was eating this food that was out on the counter for seven hours under a lamp. But it looks so fancy at this place. I just had some chicken and mashed potatoes and a salad. And that's it. Chicken. Yeah. It would be the chicken. Chicken. As soon as you eat chicken, you might as well before you eat it. Just look at it and say, see you in an hour.
And then so on the Saturday night was the actual sort of celebration. And I was just a quickie.
quivering hollow shell of a person still really i was like recovering but i was i had like a red plastic cup with um pedialyte and gatorade in it and i'm like god i'm like this is terrible was she so hot for you she was you know she was um very kind but you can just see in someone's eyes when the desire is dead and magic is gone yeah and you're like will we ever get it back i don't like i hope everyone's having a good time
Stephanie's seen me in a diaper. Really? Yes, I've crinkled around wearing a diaper. I know it's a rite of passage. Like it's a...
It's exposure therapy, but I don't like to be vulnerable like that in front of people. I wasn't into it. I'll be honest. I was not like, this is ideal. Right. Yeah. It really takes a lot of trust, but we can laugh about it now. Can we? That is definitely not how I thought your weekend was going to go. Same. I thought I was going to be hoisted on people's shoulders with them going, we're so glad you
this person's in your life. I was hoisted onto the toilet. Cause I told my wife, I was like, uh, May's partying this weekend in Malibu. Aren't you jealous? Oh my God. No. Yeah.
And did the other people, the business, the company, the executives, did they know that you were blowing it out your ass in the other room? Yeah. And they were all kind of, I mean, a lot of them are moms as well. And so they were all very nurturing and sweet and kind, but that almost made it worse. It was like, like I was this child. You felt like a child. I felt like a child. Yeah. Oh, God. Thanks, mommy. Oh, no.
Thank you, Mommy. I had like an ice pack on my head. For no reason? Were you like laid out still giving them facts about random things? Yeah. I was like, did you know? And then in the 1800s, if you were a witch...
They would know by throwing you in the river. You had an ice pack on your head and a patch on your eye and a paper clip on your nose or whatever it's called. Yeah, really unnecessary. For no reason. Yeah, just leaning into it. What a weekend we all had. I know. We're not feeling our most handsome. Still looking good, all three of us. We're pretty good. I'm on the tail end of a cold.
You are? Well, Tig, you have this thing where every time you're swallowing, you're kind of grimacing, but it makes you look like Clint Eastwood because you kind of squint a little bit. It makes you look like... I get that all the time. Do you think we can get Clint Eastwood to do a question? No, he's bad news, right? I had a question for this handsome pod. Fortune, are you okay? Did that sound all right? Do you have...
Guns like these. Is he 100? He must be getting close to 100. Let's Google. Speaking of surprise parties, we should throw a surprise party for, what's his name? Clint Eastwood. Clint Eastwood. That's right. He's 93. Nice.
93 dude is rich. So we've got seven years to plan this party. That would be the funniest party to throw if the three of us hosted Clint Eastwood's 100th birthday party. But we have seven years to make sure. Seven years to plan this? And to find an end to make sure we can get him there. Who cares if you show? Who cares?
All I know is we're going to have all of your business executives. Yeah. And then we're going to do the electric slide. Thank you. And then, and thank you. And then, you know, we'll just hope he shows up. But if not, then it'll be. We hope he shows up. How do we get that out there? We just sort of put it out in the universe. What are those things people invite the online invite? Oh, an Evite. Yeah. An Evite. We could do an Evite with the three of us.
smiling and just very excited to ring in his 100th birthday. Why do I feel like if we sent... I feel like he has a Hotmail address, not a Gmail address. I feel like if we just sent it to... How dare you? I have a Hotmail. You do? Yeah. If we sent one to Clint Eastwood at Hotmail.com, I feel like it would get to him. I really do. You're right. I wasn't expecting this email to...
should appear but here we are i have a terrible clint eastwood impression i think it's one of your best does someone else want to try yeah i'll try okay yeah uh-huh i know what you're thinking
Are these fine young gentlemen inviting me to a party or are they not? I was trying to sort of reference Dirty Harry. It's like a young Clint Eastwood. Yeah. You kind of bailed on it too. I got really nervous. It turned Canadian at some point. Guys, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that we throw Clint Eastwood's 100th birthday party and people will be at our house. Our house. We live together. We'll go to May's party path. Tig, I need you to do the impression.
Of Clint Eastwood? Yes. Getting the invite. I don't even know. Do it. Just try it. Based on what I've heard from you two. Why are people throwing me this party? Why are these LGBTQs throwing me a party? Why?
I'm a hundred. Call me Clinty. You'll have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands. You're going to have to pry this party out of my cold, dead hands. Wow. That was incredible.
Thank you. By far the best of the three. By far the best. But people will be asking us throughout the night, like, when does Clint get here? What is your connection? I didn't know you're so close with Clint. That'll be so fun. And we'll say, we don't even know if he's coming. We don't even know him. He put a maybe on the invite. He actually wrote and said, can I bring a plus one? And we said no. And we said no. Oh.
And so we don't even know if he's going to be here. Cold. He's like, I don't like to drive at night.
I feel like he only eats dry crackers. We'll have some dry crackers laid out. As opposed to wet crackers. As opposed to damp crackers, which are... Yes. Yeah. Should we get into our question? I think that would be wise. Today's question is in honor of Thanksgiving. It's from Chelsea Handler, who everyone knows is a comedian, TV host, producer, and actress. You might know her from a show called Chelsea Lately that I also was on with her.
Chelsea on Netflix. Her latest stand-up special is Chelsea Handler Revolution, which you can watch on Netflix. She also has a very funny HBO special. And here is Chelsea's question. Hi there, handsome pod. This is Chelsea Handler. I want to apologize for the hoarseness in my throat. I was sucking a ton of dick this weekend, as I'm sure you three were also doing.
Thanksgiving is here. So I thought it would be an appropriate time to ask all three of you what each of you are grateful for this holiday season specifically. Well, first of all, what I am thankful for is that I don't get sore throats for the same reason she gets sore throats. I am thankful for that, too. I've never I've actually never had a sore throat from that. Hey, don't knock it till you try it.
Faye says don't knock it till you've tried it. Don't knock it till you've tried it. I have never tried it. I'm going to say it right here. I've touched one wiener in my life and that was it. But nothing in the old trash compartment. And...
Grandma's problem area. I pointed at my mouth, by the way. Now, is it worth sharing the story of the one wiener? Oh, I've talked about it in stand-up before. I joked that I was young. It was like in early high school, I think. And, you know, the opportunity presented itself.
And I was nervous and I didn't want to touch it for too long. Sure. So I, I joked that I grabbed it like a hot clarinet cause I just kept doing grabby grabs, like quick grabs. And did he have questions for you? He wasn't, you know, he didn't love it. He didn't hate it. He didn't ask for seconds. Okay.
I bet he remembers that night to this day. A million percent. Probably. Are you still in touch with him? I see him from time to time. Whoa, you see him? Yeah, I'm from a very small town. Oh, wow. Okay, cool. Yeah. And were you interested in it? Like, how did it get as far as you touching a hot flute? Um, hot clarinet. Whatever. Yeah.
I'm not in with the wind instruments. I don't know. You know, you just like hang out and you're bored and you're of a certain age and you're like, what do you got down there? Did you ask him that? I don't think so. He was just like, hey, look.
Look what I got down. Look at this. Do you want to play my hot clarinet? Next thing you know, you're playing a hot oboe. Yeah. So do you think he's seen you tell this story on TV? Probably. And how do you feel about that? It makes me laugh.
Because it's very innocent. It is very innocent. Because there was nothing more to it. I used to do a story on stage about my first boyfriend, Ian Peach, and he broke up with me. And I tell this whole joke. And then I did it on TV once at Just for Laughs. And it was one of my first ever TV spots. And I'm in Montreal. And I'm like, and then I go, and then Ian Peach goes,
And then someone in the audience goes, I know him. And I was like, ha ha, don't, please don't like heckle me during my first ever TV taping. And then I was like, you don't really, right? And then she was like, no, I, and she said his high school. And it turned out she truly did know him. And after the show, she was like, I can't believe I know that guy. Anyway. That is amazing.
Such a small world. Yeah. But that is such a specific name. I know. And because the punchline is because they, I was doing an interview and they said, why are you gay in the interview, which is such an insane question. And,
And then I said, I think it's fair. Yeah. Well, you were the one interviewing me. So then I said, I don't know, maybe Ian Peach in grade seven. And they they misheard me and quoted me as saying maybe eating a peach in grade seven. And it was. Well, that's what I thought you said. I know. So it was in print. And my my parents read that. I thought eating a peach had had made me get it was brutal. Wow.
Anyway. That does track, though. The peach connection? Mm-hmm. Well, actually, did you know... Oh, never mind. Wait, was this a Mayfax that you're retracting? It was because I suddenly realized that there's no connection to peach. I don't know where it came from. Well, you got a Mayfax. Give it to us. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Of course. That's what people are tuning in on their radios for this. Let me take you to ancient China. Oh, boy. Wow. Where we got an emperor...
And he's he he was like pretty openly in love with this male like courtier or whatever. I'm sure they had a different word for it. And he it was a pretty they were a pretty progressive time in that in that court. And he was he knew that he was in love with this guy because he was napping and the guy was.
uh napping on him and he wanted to move but he didn't want to wake up this guy and so instead of uh maybe he cut his own sleeve off and so they call they would call gayness uh like the passion of the cut sleeve or something like that oh i've never heard that pretty romantic passion of the cut sleeve i don't know how he had like scissors nearby you know and so the guy just kept sleeping on his did you say welcome while they're gay
Yeah, I don't know. I'm picturing them cutting hair or designing clothes. Just have a pair of scissors. Lesbians also have scissors on them because they're just trimming bushes, cutting roses. Cutting roses. Oh, gosh.
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Get 80% off your impression kit when you use code WONDERY at Byte.com. That's B-Y-T-E dot com. Start your confidence journey today with Byte. Wait, okay, sorry, what are we thankful for? This is what we got to... Oh, yes, sorry. We got sidetracked by wieners. Yeah. As we do. I mean, I'm thankful that Chelsea submitted a question. Yes. I'm very thankful for that. Thank you, Chelsea, for submitting it. Even being hoarse. This is like the episode where everyone's like...
has some ailment. Yeah. I know.
I guess I'm thankful. I mean, now I feel like we're switching into being earnest, but truly. Please be sincere. Should I? Yeah, of course. I guess I'm just thankful for so much. It's, uh, I don't even know where to start. We're here. Well, yeah, you guys, I'm thankful for you guys. I try to like these days, because it's so easy to notice when you're stressed or tired or angry or whatever, but I'm trying to like notice when I'm happy. And the more you notice it, the more you
It snowballs. So yeah, I'm also, I'm really grateful that I'm alive in a time where in my lifetime we might find out about aliens. I think we're on the brink. Really? That excites you. Yeah. Why do you think we're on the brink? It just feels like something's brewing. Like there's been a couple, the Navy released these videos and then there's been these congressional hearings. Was it ALF? Yeah, there's like an up close video of ALF.
I'm grateful for that. And I'm kind of trying to will it into being that before I die, I get official confirmation. Confirmation. Good reason to be thankful this year. Yeah. We're getting closer to an elf spotting. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving, Mae? No, no. I mean, I know it's super...
I mean, you got to like American. And so problematic the way it used to be celebrated, right? So now we reframe it as like a kind of just general gratefulness holiday. Yeah. I hope. That's the part of the holiday I appreciate the most is I feel like it has...
morphed into a day to give thanks and to like reflect on what you're thankful for and an opportunity to like be with people you love be it family or people often have friends givings yeah it doesn't have so much to do about buckles on shoes anymore yeah genocide and yeah yeah yeah we just um yeah it's more like turkey and food and giving thanks do you have vegan thanksgiving take
I do. I have vegan everything. What if you were like, no, actually, I just have vegan Thanksgiving. I eat turkey. Yeah, it all goes out the window. And I just go nuts on anything. That's like during the pandemic, people would ask, did you still remain vegan during the pandemic? Really? Yeah.
When I get stressed, I want chicken. I know. It is interesting with veganism that people assume that you're trying to find a meat replacement. Yeah. And that you need a meat replacement in the shape of a turkey. Yeah.
It doesn't even cross my mind. Like I don't eat meat replacement, you know, but it's the same with queer relationships. People assume you're trying to find a man. They're like, who's the man in the relationship? And you're like, exactly. There's not. And who's the pretty little lady? Yeah. The pretty little lady.
But yeah, we just, you know, mashed potatoes, mushroom gravy, salad, soup, loaves of bread and... Roasted carrots. Roasted carrots, that jiggly cranberry, what have you. Jiggly. Jiggly. We have everything. Pumpkin pie, apple pie. I love a pumpkin pie. You love a pumpkin pie? More than anything. Whipped cream, pumpkin pie. Same. Same.
Same. Dude. And then we top it with the cocoa whip. Oh, yeah. Nice. Which you can't have because you are allergic to coconut. To be honest, the whole conversation is taking me back to this weekend and making me feel pretty nauseous. Queasy. The mashed potatoes. Is this your first LA Thanksgiving? No, I think I was here last year and I did do something. Yeah, with a bunch of friends, just like a meal. And this year I'm just going to be hanging out. With your GF. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
But not doing like a Thanksgiving type of meal situation. Well, now you're making me feel I need to rent an Airbnb and organize a big... Definitely don't rent an Airbnb. It's failed you once already. Causes diarrhea. I had one Thanksgiving in Canada with an ex-girlfriend.
and her whole family, and we were all pretty close. And she had a niece who was two maybe, and we're all sitting at the table. And there were grandparents, great grandparents. And the two-year-old just...
looks at my ex and goes uh lindsey's a girl and then she starts going around the table grandpa's a guy and she's going around and i know it's getting to me and i know what this is about and i know she's been on may has diarrhea she's been eyeing me up all through the meal so she's going around a circle and everyone's like oh this is cute but also getting increasingly nervous as she gets to me and then she finally gets to me and goes so she's like you know grandma's a girl and what is may
It was like, and everyone was so quiet at the table and all the great grandma. You just heard the sound of cutlery on plates, you know. And what did you say? I think at the time I was like, I don't know what I am. I was like, good point, kid. Kids are like little, little ones always have that question. Like when Jack used to teach, I walked into...
and this hand immediately shut up. Like I literally just walked in the room and Jax was like, yes. And she goes, is that a boy or a girl? I was like, I'll see myself out. That surprises me so much. I don't, yeah. But you know, they do. They love, they love to ask it. I was reading to my children. I wasn't telling a boring story. I was reading a book to them. They are five years old at the time.
We have lived together for five years. And mid-story, Finn says, Mayor, are you a boy or a girl? No way. And I said, well, what do you think I am? And he said, I think you're a boy. Oh, no.
No, I'm not. And he said, yeah, but you look like one, right? And I said, yeah, I guess I do. Oh, my God. And he's like, good talk. Good talk. Thanks for that. But he's so proud of having two moms. It is the cutest thing. We will hear... He is so chatty. Our sons will talk to anyone and everyone. They are so social. And you hear...
Yeah, I have two moms. It always comes up. I love that. Always comes up. That's really cute. And I'm thankful for that. I am so thankful for my little roommates and Stephanie. I can't even express. It's just, you know, I always feel like whether it's my career or my relationship, my family, it's not that I don't want more for myself ever, but I like...
maintaining what I have. That's so nice. You seem to have so much like calm certainty about it, which is very soothing. And especially, you know, you describe like your sort of tumultuous 20s and stuff and be, you know, always having like doubt about things. And then when you're just like, no, I know this is for me and I would do anything to protect it. That's so nice. Yeah, I just if I never got
More or less in life. I just, I love where life is right now and where it's been. Yeah. I feel so, so thankful. And it's that, that typical thing of, I do not remember life before Stephanie or Max and Finn. I mean, she and I are like 11 years in and Max and Finn are coming up on eight. Wow. And I really don't,
I know I had a previous. I just, it makes no sense to me. Yeah. None. None. That's such a nice feeling. It's gotta be like you like going home.
I always feel bad for people that are like, I don't want to go home. The old ball and chain. So many people. Oh my God. That should be where your peace is. Totally. I would so prefer to be at my house than doing anything and hanging out with our little crew. They're so endlessly funny. And it's that
It's like a comedian that just really surprise curveballs you where you're like, whoa, that is hilarious. Why isn't Stephanie so funny too? I know. You got a really funny wife. Y'all got a double whammy with the two of you. She is so funny. Yeah.
It's ridiculous. I almost got emotional there when you were talking about being so thankful. And then I thought, if you made that as a speech at Clint Eastwood's 100th birthday party, there would not be a dry eye in the house. If I talked about my family at his 100th birthday? Yes, yeah. He'd be raging. The tie-in would be, I hope to live to be 100 so I can keep like you, Clint. Yeah.
Stephanie is 15 years younger than me. And her dream has been to live to be 100. And then when we got together, she said she would like for me, she wants to die together. Oh, my God. And I was explaining. How very Romeo and Juliet. And you're like, well, that could be arranged.
No, I was saying that means I have to live to be 115. And I said, I'm sorry. It's just not, I like that you just crunched those numbers. Uh,
And I was like, it's just going to be so hard because, I mean, come on. Life's already almost taken me out a few times. I'm going to get to 115. You might. You might. You never know. Maybe. I'm working towards it. I'm trying really hard. You're eating clean and.
By then, the aliens will have come and given us some key to immortality. You'll just download your consciousness into anybody. Maybe. Yeah, maybe. But I'm going for it, the 115. I'm going to do my best. I like that. I believe in you. Because I really didn't care before we got together. I was like, maybe this will ride out for 70 years, maybe. That's fine. And now I'm like, oh.
no no no 1 15 there you go and um my mom wants to be cryogenically frozen and uh has been talking to us about that and wow they don't know how to bring people back yet but i don't mind it as a they're like we can freeze you yeah that's as far as we know what a racket right and they're charging you all this money and they're like how much i don't know but a lot i think i mean come on what's a lot of money possible to bring someone's
You would have to tell a lot of boys. It's not like you can put someone in a freezer bag and like seal it.
You could. But were there still breathing? I don't think you're breathing when you're frozen. You're like... You're one million percent not breathing, guys, when you're frozen. How do they think you would come back? Well, they haven't figured it out yet. They don't know. They don't know. I know. That's why it's a racket. It's such a racket. Well, my son, Max, wants to be frozen. Yeah. I think I want to be frozen like Han Solo. I don't like being cold. Right? Yeah.
Well, you're not going to be aware that you're close. I'm going to be alive. I know it. Fortune, what would your speech at Clint Eastwood's birthday party be? What are the things that you're grateful for? I'd be grateful that Tig has lived to be 115. Clint's well past at this point. I want to see that stand-up special of Tig at 115. Oh, my God.
Yeah, I would talk about how I was grateful that he's alive and that Tig is also going to... Our friend Tig here. And I come out in my diaper. I'm back in the old diaper. Hello. Hello.
Oh, man. I'm grateful for my, I would say I'm similar to you. I'm very grateful for Jax, my lovely wife, because she just kind of keeps our lives together. God, we're all so romantic. I got to mix it up. We're all in love. No, I got to be like, I'm grateful for sucking dick or something. I got to mix it up.
Like Chelsea. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's just a solid partner. Like she's such a teammate, you know? I never thought I would have that. I never thought I would find that. And I didn't have it for many years and many... I didn't have a lot of serious relationships. Until that dinner together where I said, it's around the corner. Do not give up. Yeah, Tig said, look at me, trust me. I didn't think I would find this...
it's coming so maybe right it seems like the theme is like if you haven't had something then you are more prone to feel grateful often people who have been given everything and had it handed to them are very unsatisfied people would you think yeah you can continue to feed the beast the people that you know i know a few of them wandering around you probably do too but where it's like
No matter what success or amount of money or anything that they get. Miserable, miserable people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think surrounding yourself with good people. I'm like you with your kids. I'm not comparing a dog to kids, but my feeling towards my dog is like he's getting older and like I just stare at him.
all the time and I think in my head like I wish I could freeze time
with him you know yeah are you crying no I'm not I'm not no I will Thomas is sobbing Jackson and I will Jackson and I will both straight up break into tears when we think about him oh Barbara Streisand cloned her dog you could maybe I know it's not the same I'm also thankful my a lot of people know my dad had open heart surgery this fall and he almost he came very close to dying but
He was in the hospital for eight weeks and it was dicey. And he's turned a corner and he's finally home. And it definitely made me realize my parents are getting older. Yeah. And to like call a little more visit, have a little bit more meaningful time together. Yeah.
Cause you know, you just never know. And that definitely was a wake up call. And so is he still kind of in therapy trying to, he was in physical therapy for two weeks. He he's back home. He said, I've gotten rid of all the nurses, but one. So he's got one. Is he Clint Eastwood? He's close. He,
He is Southern. He doesn't have the Clint smolder. But he has come through it like a champ because it was rough. Has it changed his attitude about things, having that scare? I definitely think he is happy to be alive. And every time he calls now, he makes sure to tell me he loves me. Oh, man. Hi to Jax. He just seems like he's a little bit more thoughtful. Yeah.
Yeah. With his words. Does he bring up Biggie? He hasn't said since. Okay. Well, we need, that's the next thing he needs to say. And, uh, and I love Biggie too. I need, I need Biggie to be a part of that. My regards to Biggie. Yeah. With my parents, I'm a Biggie. You know that things will change at some point. So I'm just trying to be in the moment. Hmm.
and appreciate what I have and not get too caught up with like, I'm obviously a workaholic, but trying to like also be present in my life. Yeah, that's the constant struggle, right? Today was, or the sun was setting and it was moving so fast, this sun. Like I just, you know when it's setting and it right when it gets to the horizon, you can actually see it moving pretty. And I was like, fuck, it's flying across the sky. We got to,
I want to slow time down and then it made me think how fast time moves and then that brings us back to Biggie yeah exactly yeah he's not in here tonight I know we have our kitty city we got the three cats that walk around in a pack that's another thing I am so thankful for is these ridiculous animals I think I've told you when it's bedtime for Max and Finn they all come in there when
When Stephanie and I are getting ready for bed or everyone's in the kitchen, they all come down together. It's the most, I've never seen cats do that. I haven't. Like they prowl around like a teen, like a little. They are a, that's why we call them kitty city. That's so funny. It's just, they are always together. Are they related? It's the cutest thing.
Two of them are fraternal twins. Love it. And then there's Fluff, who Stephanie and I got. It's so funny to think about after we had moved in.
And we were like, oh, should we get a cat? And it was truly like we were trying to figure out if we should have a child. We were like, okay, so we're doing this. We are going to adopt a cat. This is our test. Yeah. Should we hear what Chelsea's thankful for? Yeah. Yeah. I know I am grateful for my freedom. I am able to move around this world in any way I want.
and travel and have a blast doing it. I am grateful that my job is a comedian. I'm grateful that I am on tour and that during this really ugly, dark time in our world, I'm able to provide a reprieve for people and a safe place to laugh with strangers. I'm grateful that that's my job.
And I am also grateful for my dog, Bernice. I have one dog left and she's sitting right here and she's not dead yet. And I'm grateful for that. That's amazing. So...
Each of you needs to pick what you're grateful for and please be serious. Okay. Love you guys. We did. Okay. I really regret saying the thing about aliens though. Like I, I want to say everything Chelsea said basically. Of course. Yeah, totally. Freedom. I mean, that is the best part about our jobs. It is such a treat to get to make people laugh. It truly is. Yeah. And it is so needed right now as far as like, just things are so heavy. Yeah.
And I think that that's what has been so, even though we were very earnest in this episode, I think that,
that's what's been so fun for me is the nonsense that this show cranks out. Yeah, same. And, you know, obviously people can ask whatever they want and serious questions pop in here or there. But to be able to kind of go off the rails and talk about whatever you want to talk about and not just make other people laugh, but make others
ourselves and each other laugh is I'm so thankful for that because me too I'm so ready for it ready for the nonsense me too for true like silliness and I think all three of us also do really enjoy our jobs like that so few people can say that like I love stand we I think all three of us love being on stage and like that's pretty rare and lucky for sure
I've been trying to tell my kids about whenever they take a real interest in something, I always try and stop a moment and say, you know, Max, you could, because he journals a lot and does cartoons and reads. And I was like, you know, you could...
you could be a writer or you could do a comic book and that could be your job. You know, it'd be nice to find a job that makes you and other people happy. And he's just sitting there coloring and he looks at me and he says, um, uh,
Or I could just do it for free. Yeah, he's like, well, you're taking the joy out of it. But I'm just trying to plant those seeds because when I was growing up, nobody was planting seeds about... I mean, actually, that's not true. My mother was very much planting those seeds to do what made me happy. But my stepfather, he was really...
not about doing what makes you happy. And so I just want to make sure that my kids are doing what makes them happy. That's awesome. Totally. Well, what a treat. I'm thankful for you guys. I'm thankful for this podcast. Me too. I love that. I never know what we're getting into, but to me, that's the fun of it. I'm feeling very positive at the end of this. Like I want to go out and like open my front door and...
Hug my Uber Eats delivery guy. Well, I hope everybody listening has a lovely holiday. If you celebrate Thanksgiving, if you don't, no matter what, hopefully it'll take some time this week to think about what you're thankful for and what you're grateful for. It definitely, I think, is a good grounding thing for all of us to do from time to time. So important. Get cozy. Yeah. And we're thankful for you guys for listening to our handsome podcast.
So thankful. Oh my gosh. I just love how much people are loving the pod. Yeah, it's very nice. Very fun. If you love the podcast, you know what to do. Go on there. Give us some
Cool reviews. That always helps. We love bringing new people into the handsome pod. And we have another cool announcement that we've talked about it. Tig, take it away. What do we got coming up? Well, our live handsome show is coming up on December 18th, Fortune. And you can join in the fun from anywhere.
Tickets are sold out in person, but you can join us streaming live on the internet by going to dynastytypewriter.com. That's dynastytypewriter.com to see our live streaming show, December 18th. Now, May, if people wanted a lovely present for someone that they're thankful for, or with the holidays coming, what would they do, May? Well,
I got a couple ideas. I think people should go to handsomepod.com and there's t-shirts, there's stickers for the sticker lovers in your life. Hats. Hats. Totes. Tote bags.
-Bags, baby. -Is it weird to wear it on stage? -No, wear it. -Really? Okay. -We did want this to be cool because we're handsome. We wanted our merch to be handsome and we want you guys to be handsome. I think you're going to really like it. -I also want to mention now that the strike is over that you can check me out on the new season of The Morning Show. -Yes.
Someone in my writer's room was watching it and said, "Tig is bone-chilling in it." -Ooh. -Yes. You're like a fixer. I can't wait to see you be bone-chilling. Bone-chilling. Meanwhile, every time I'm acting, I'm in my head going, "This can't be what they're looking for. This can't possibly be what--" And yet it is.
Yet it is. I'll be at Largo in Los Angeles, December 6th, and then College Park, Maryland at University of Maryland, January 26th, and then Waterville Opera House in Waterville, Maine. And I also just have random shows at Largo and Dynasty Typewriter all coming up in the coming months. So...
come on out and hear some new material. Yeah. Cause I sure haven't heard it yet. Awesome. Yeah. May, do you have anything? Do an improv at UCB on the 21st and dynasty typewriter on the 29th with Stephanie and Alana. And,
And on the 29th, you're also going to be able to stream that anywhere in the world. So that's cool. And then I'm at Largo December 2nd and 11th with very special surprise guests. Big holiday extravaganza. Fortune. I'm in the thick of my live, laugh, love tour.
This weekend, if you live in Michigan, I'm going to be in Grand Rapids and Royal Oak. Tickets are almost gone, so get on that. Coming up, Kansas City, Missouri, and then a bunch of dates after Christmas in Florida, St. Petersburg, Orlando, Jacksonville, and West Palm Beach.
Then in the new year, Eugene, Oregon, Vancouver out there in Canada, Burlington, Vermont, D.C., and Red Bank, New Jersey. Plus coming to Europe, to London, and to Amsterdam. My tickets are at fortunefeenster.com. Dude, you work hard. At the end of this tour, I'll have done over 100 cities. That is wild. That's what I just did. Yeah. You guys. I did over 100. Yeah. I am in awe.
And you find time to play pickleball. And I don't know how. Yeah. Got a radio show. I'm doing some acting. It's fun. You like being that busy? I like it a lot. I prefer that to not being busy. But this has definitely been like the busiest I've ever been. But it's all good stuff. So yeah, I'm at least loving what I'm doing. So you're not busy with bad stuff? Busy with good stuff.
I think if we did an action movie with the three of us, I can picture the cover, but I think it would be called Busy with Bad Stuff. Busy with Bad Stuff. But you know what we're not too busy for? The Handsome Podcast. And that reminds me. What, Tig? Keep it Handsome.
That was pretty good. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsomepod.
