Giggling about scams, code words, and poofs
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Sup, gigglers. Gary, fix your Wi-Fi. Manifest that shit. We can't be managed. I mean, the day just got away from me. What's up, my guzzling gigglers? Why did that sound sexual? I don't know. I went to a restaurant this weekend. That's why it's in my head because the name of it was Sip and Guzzle.

Sip and guzzle? Sip and guzzle. It's a restaurant? It's a bar restaurant. Did you guzzle? I did guzzle. Would you guzzle? And I sipped. I feel like guzzling is more me coded and sipping is you coded. Yes, and that's why it's the perfect place. I have to bring up the elephant in the room. I showed up with a tie and I think I went a little too business formal, like 80s businessman, like coffee's for closers.

But I do have to say. See, I feel like you're giving news reporter, like high school sports news reporter. High school assistant volunteer. Boom goes the dynamite. Like, you know. Three points. Look, Brandon is killing it today. I wish I had a son. But no one loves me. I realize having a tie, I know how it feels like to be a man. It's like assertiveness. Well, it feels like I have a dick. Yes, absolutely.

Like, I feel like I was putting on my coat and I'm like, oh, I've got to tuck my tie in. And, like, I don't want to be flinging around. I have to keep it. Wait, that's so true because I wore a tie in, like, November and I felt different. It was like when you get your nails done. I was like, I'm sorry, I have things to report to. I know how it feels like to wear a dick because suddenly everything I say...

You're like, you're all of a sudden over explaining everything. You're like, Paige, I don't know if you know the word finance, but let me tell you about it. I just feel like an alpha man. And I'm like, are you really going to talk to me while I have my fucking tie on like that? Do you not see my fucking tie? Respect the tie. And then you just want to like flip it around, hit people with it. Dude, thank God I don't have a dick. Oh my God. I'd be unhinged, I believe. I have a neighbor update.

I'd like to give a neighbor update. I love this arc because we, like, hated her and then we loved her. I never hated her. I just was like, where's my sweat set? Mm-hmm. Where's my sweat set? Mm-hmm. We have...

come full circle. We have come full circle. So I'm, it's Thursday night. I will preface this that I pride myself on living alone in terms of, I never need a man to do anything. I can open my own jars. I have the longest arms in America. I can zip up anything in the back. Like I've never, can't take a bracelet off. I can do it. Messy bun. Easy. Easy.

So I'm putting this dress on and I couldn't clip it. And the way the dress was designed, if I didn't clip it, my boobs were out and I couldn't like leave my apartment. And I'm like, what am I going to do? So I'm thinking like, should I go down to my doorman? Like, should I be like, hey? But if you do that with your doorman, then you're dating. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to knock on my neighbor's door because I helped her. She's got to help me now. Scratch my back. So I knock on the door. I can hear her inside her apartment being like...

Like I can hear her like look out to see like, okay, who is this? And it's like, okay. When you know someone's looking through the hole, do you make a face? No, I looked down. I got nervous.

So she opens the door, only pokes her head out. Like I can't see her body at all. Like a classic girl, like open, like what's going on here? Yeah. And she's like, hi. And I'm like, hi, I'm so sorry. But like, will you please do me a huge favor and zip this dress up for me? She starts hysterically laughing. She then opens the door. She's trying on clothes. She's like, I'm literally doing that right now. Her best friend is sitting on the couch. They're dead. I was like, you look stunning. She zips my dress up.

And I left. So you're best friends. Best friends. So you're trying to make me jealous. I don't know what her name is. We've never exchanged names. I love how you're both so scared of being murdered, but also like really need each other's help. You're in a war zone. No, it's literal girlhood at our corner of the hallway. Like, and we don't want anyone else. Speaking of girlhood.

It's officially a month out to me filming my special. I have questions. And it's so funny because I got married and I didn't ask you any of these. Not a single question. Okay. When do I get the facial?

When do I do face gem? So I'm snatched. Do I need a spray tan? And when do you do this stuff? This is a loaded, loaded question. Yeah, I'm like nervous. Give me like a day of the week that you would potentially be filming this. Okay, I'm filming it on a Saturday. You're filming it on a Saturday. But the Friday before that, I have a show in Maryland. So I'm doing like

one final practice show the day before. I know. And that goes off our whole sketch. I don't think they have spray tans in Maryland. Are you coming back to New York at any point? No, going straight from Maryland to Philly.

But before that... That's okay. We can do this. Yeah. So I have the 18th, 19th, and 20th, and 21st in the city. Okay. So Thursday. Okay. Face gym in the morning. What do you get at face gym? I'm going to send you a text of the one you're going to get. You're going to get like the most expensive one because this is an important moment. It's when they literally skin your face and put a different face on your face. They do a whole head transplant. Okay. Okay.

It's pricey, but so worth it. No, it's literally so worth it. Thursday morning, you're going to do that. Thursday night is when you're going to get your spray tan. Okay.

If you want like a deep, clean facial, like I'm going to send you to my dermatologist. We're going to do that on Monday. Is that too close? No. And I won't have – normally I'm just really dehydrated. Yeah. And sad. You don't have breakout – like I'm not worried like, oh, you're going to get this really intense facial. You're going to break out. That's like not your skin. It's going to hydrate you. And then also –

You need to be like pumping the water this month because that's automatically going to make your skin better. Okay. I'm also nervous because I'm on my period right now. So I think I'm going to be like PMSing, like prime PMS the day of my special. This is another, this is like, this is a high level one that I don't know if you're into this, but when there's something like this, I suggest not eating any salt for the three days leading up to it.

And that's a tough one. And that's a big one. This is the thing. I could do this. However, I'm so fucking dumb. I don't know what things are. My friend was like, what if you tried like just eating meat? And I was like, it's popcorn meat. It's yogurt meat. It's pasta meat. One time my friend did do a diet like that in high school. I was like, it's fish meat. And they were like laughing at me. And I'm like, I have questions. Yeah. It's like when I tried not to do dairy, I was like, is butter dairy? Is a milkshake dairy? Yeah. Yeah.

Is butter a carb? Is butter a carb? Okay, so that's good to know. So you do face gym as soon as possible. Yeah. And then you do the, like, hydrating facial a week before. And then you cut down on the salt. Cut down on the salt. I like to do my spray tan two days before my actual thing. And you have to pray it's a good spray tan. But, like, we know good people in New York City. We'll put them in the newsletter. I could also do it for you. I do my own now. Okay. We have a lot of notes today. No, no.

We went note crazy this week. We did. Oh, no. Did I actually delete them? No, I didn't. Okay. Thank God. That would have been so bad. Have you seen the TikToks where like all of Gen Z is being like, how old do I look? And they're just getting slaughtered in the comments. Gen Zs or millennials are asking. Gen Zs are asking. So they're doing it to themselves. No. Literally? Why are you coming for your own people? No. No.

But I did see someone on TikTok talk about how they think in like 30 years, like crow's feet and wrinkles are going to be considered like stunning because so many people are not going to have it that like it's going to be considered cool to not have it. The person that said that has crow's feet and deep wrinkles. I don't know if that will ever happen, but I wonder what it is that Gen Z is looking for.

They're doing too much work on their face because at the end of the day, if a young person does Botox and an old person does Botox, they start just looking like a person with Botox. But I feel like the girls that were doing it, I don't even feel like they had Botox. Like, I just felt like... Lip filler? No, I just felt like they looked...

Like every girl that did it was literally 21, 22 and they looked 28, 29. I mean, I was ugly when I was 21, 22. I was like very bloated. Really? I don't remember that. We didn't know each other then. Oh, that's true. You were like, no, you weren't. I just feel like I had a lot of baby fat in my face.

Yeah, but that would make you look young. You definitely didn't look 30. No, I didn't look older, but I wasn't like... They don't have any baby fat, I feel like. That's what it is. Like, they don't have... Have they been squashing too much? Maybe. If you have a mature way of talking, people think you're older too. They said slay at the end of the video, so... I don't think that was it.

Oh, my God. They didn't give me like a status financial report. I watched a documentary. Shoot. Where was it? Did you watch the Wendy Williams one? I'm watching it after this, but I couldn't get myself to do it because you sent me a very terrifying text. It's a very terrifying documentary. It's extremely sad. It's four parts. And the first two, I think, are the only parts out. Okay. I hate to say it.

But I really think it's her ex-husband's fault. Like, and no one was bringing that up in the documentary. Like, when she went through her divorce was really, like, the start of her just decline. Yeah.

You had texted me and said it really was all over after her mom passed away. Yeah. And I was like, we have no hope. Me and you. No. Me and you. I actually got really upset because I was like, no, her mom died. Obviously, she can't form a sentence. You're like, this is just girl math. This is just survival. Like, I'm getting it. I joke. Everyone's like, you work so hard.

I don't know if people really say that. If you were like, why are you working so hard? Why are you traveling? I'm like, yeah, I'm running from my own thoughts. And they're always like, what thoughts? And I'm like, whenever I'm alone, I'm always like, all the people who I love are going to die one day. And that's five seconds being alone. No, at some point, everyone you know will be dead.

No. No, it's not. My mom actually said, like, says that all the time. Like, why are you obsessed with death and, like, me dying? And I'm like, because I don't, I can't have it. So this one guy, he's a famous magician who died. I think it was, it wasn't Evel Knievel. It was one of them. But he said to his wife. Houdini? I think it might have been Houdini. It might have been. It's literally the only magician I know. What other fucking magician?

magician to people now. So I think Houdini basically told his wife. I don't think E-Book and Evil is a magician. That's what I'm laughing about. He's like a BMX rider.

He's like a frat president. He made BMX cool. No, he's like a... He would do like jumps. Like he would do like crazy jumps. Yeah, he would do jumps on like... It's like get a therapist. What extremes, Evel Knievel. The things he'll do to not go to therapy. He just has like a razor scooter and he's like jumping. Yeah.

It's literally the version of, like, men becoming DJs now. Your razor scooters broke my fucking shins. Anyway, so Evil, no, Mahoudini is dying. Okay. And I couldn't make this up, so, like, whatever. Currently dying? No, like, when he was dying. When he died, he told his wife, like, I want to know if psychics are real. So I'm going to give you a code word. So if you're talking to a psychic and they say the code word, you know it's me. Oh!

I was like, pineapple? A literal genius. So I was like, yeah. And then she's talked to multiple psychics and they never said the code word to her. I based my whole life on my psychic question. No, I know. Actually, it was Zach Senior from Le Podcast with Gabby Bryan who told me this information. It was pretty depressing and then I just pretend I didn't hear it. But maybe she doesn't have the right psychic. Or maybe the psychic knows that you're fucking with the psychic. The psychic's getting ahead of it.

But anyway, before... It's like a crime. Wait, if we die... Yeah. What's our code word? I guess we can't say it out loud. Guys, sorry. We're going to offline about that. We'd love to bring you in on it, but... Can you bleep it out?

They're like, we know what it is. Because I was going to say, like, we can't do giggly because, like, everybody's like giggly and be like, oh, Hannah says hey. Wait, I have something to say about the gigglers. Do you ever feel like the gigglers know us better than, like, most people in our lives? No. Sometimes I'll get comments from people that are, like, clearly not gigglers and the gigglers will see it and then make a joke to me about this person's comment and it's like, no, I know you and I get it, but this random fucking guy doesn't. Like, gigglers are closer to us than some of our extended family. Mm-mm.

100%. Like, you know when you hear someone on a podcast and you're like, oh, I wonder what they're like in real life? Like, this is more like us in real life than any other interview we ever did. No, I'm more myself here than I am when I go home. Like, I'm like, don't talk to me. I have to sit in silence or I'll die.

So anyway, I watched this documentary about Hedy Lamarr. Okay. Do you know who Hedy Lamarr is? I don't. She basically was the most gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous Hollywood actress from Austria. Everyone thought that she was going to be the next big thing, and she really was. If you looked up to her, they say like- Give me a year. What time period is this? That's the thing. I don't do time periods.

It could be the 1600s. I have no fucking clue. That's the thing about me. I don't do time. It was black and white. The documentary? No, the clip. So she apparently was so beautiful. She inspired Catwoman. Like, she's so beautiful. Everyone's obsessed with her. But she had the whole, like, they gave her uppers in the day, downers at night. She got a little loosey-goosey. Yeah. But she also happened to be an inventor at night. Yeah.

So she would be working all day for hours. They have her on upwards. She'd go home and she'd start inventing. But no one would take her seriously because she was so beautiful. Yeah. And I was like, oh my God, maybe this is how Paige feels. Preach to the choir. Because she's so beautiful. And this girl's not just an inventor. She's like, oh, these are oven mitts that dry out. I don't know.

She cranted. You guys, I can't speak. Sorry, I'm really tired. It's okay. I think the tie. It's the tie. The tie makes me summer. It's cutting off your throat. You can't speak. No, I think...

I'm like becoming a man. Literally. I could say nothing right now and you'd be like, that was so smart. Wow, great podcast episode. She created frequency hopping technology, which was the technology that they used in the military for submarines. And now they used it to create Wi-Fi and like basically every technology we know today. But she never got credit for it. What the fuck? She never got credit for it because she didn't, the patent, they like,

She had to sue because they didn't claim it. Like, they didn't say, oh, we got it from this patent. We got it from this patent. Abby. They didn't say they got it from this patent. And then six years later, she's like, they're using it in the war. So she had to sue, but she didn't sue. And anyway, gorgeous women can be really smart, too, but no one wanted to let her. Is she dead now? Yeah. Yeah.

And she also did like a nudie film when she was 16. So people really judged her from that. Oh, wow. Yeah. No, it was harsh back then. No, it was so harsh. You know what's so crazy? Like whenever I hear like about famous actors from that time period, even though you don't know what the time period is, but I feel like I can get surmised. Mm-hmm.

A lot of drugs going on. Dude. They said it was like an elixir of vitamin B and nutrients and they were giving her meth. I'm like, I've been on set not one time has someone been like, hey, why don't you take this? You'll do better. They called the guy Dr. Feelgood and he worked with everyone from like the Kennedys, Marilyn Monroe. Everyone was fucking jacked up on meth. And then if your brain takes it like four times, your brain immediately is like, okay, I need more to survive. I need more meth. It's like not your fault.

No. I don't like it. So, and then it was really sad. People were like, if she died young, like, she probably would have been remembered. But, like, because she died at a normal age, like, people were like, well, she's fine. Oh, my gosh. Any movies that, like, or anything that she did that, like, we would...

No. Hedy Lamarr. She was in, oh my God, she's so, she actually kind of looks like Kacey Musgraves, my girl. Samson and Delilah. It's not ringing a bell. Dishonored Lady. It's all in the 40s. Yeah. 40s and 50s. Yeah.

So anyway, that was really interesting. So sorry, back to the Wendy Williams doc. Yeah. Was it good? It's good. It's very, here's the crazy part. They started filming a documentary about her comeback to like, she was starting a podcast. She wanted to be back on TV and like,

So there was a camera crew and then they just started get it like, okay, there's actually a bigger story here and it's the decline of her. With what she has, she has like no filter. So she's very like abrasive. Like she was looking at her publicist and she was like, I wish you would get liposuction. And the publicist was like, okay. But like they didn't know what was really going on yet. Like...

And a lot of it was like alcohol induced. It's very sad. I'll watch it tonight. It is also interesting when someone is like the voice of all gossip when like they have so much drama going on in their own lives. Where is she now? I think she's in New York still. Opposite of Wendy Williams, I found myself on Amish TikTok.

I love Amish TikTok. It is one of my favorite. First of all, how'd y'all get phones? Second of all, does anyone know that you guys are on TikTok? Third of all, great tips. Amazing tips. So this lady, they take like current trends and they like mix it like... Make it Amish? Yeah, so they'll be like, how'd you get your phone? She does a transition to like they keep it in their little bonnets. They hide phones in their bonnets. And then she's like...

This like sourdough bread I made slays like she all she does is cook cookies and shit. I love when people like Love who and what they are, you know, and they're proud of it Like I love the Amish loving being fucking Amish See at first my intuition is to be like blink twice and like we'll come save you. Yeah, I'll find you I'll save you but she's like Loving her Amish shit. Did you ever watch the show breaking Amish?

when they would like get out. Oh my God. Yeah. And like run away. Yeah. That's crazy. Like I love watching that shit. That is wild stuff. I feel like here's the thing though. I could go either way. I feel like part of me, I feel like I'd be like,

Okay. Like, I'll chill here. I know. Honestly, being Amish with no phone for like three days could be cool. It could be really cool. I'm surprised the Amish don't do more Amish retreats. Like, come see what it's like to be Amish for a couple days. I feel like that'd be a huge moneymaker for them. Well, I think with stuff like this, they don't like to collab. Yeah. Oh, wait. Imagine that's the next brand trip. Giggly times. Amish. Grab your bonnets, ladies. Tard.

An Amish. And it's just like all the big influencers like rolling out dough. Taking photos of their dough. Tagging the dough. Hey, what's the coupon code for this dough? No, but I think they don't. Where'd you get that churn?

I want to add to this, but I know nothing about the Amish. I know. I'm trying to pull things out of my ass. I do want, I want to know how the Amish fuck. Like, are they freaky? Do they do like BDSM with like their bonnets and ropes? There's definitely some weird Amish kinks happening, I think. Yeah, because there's definitely like a group of, this is what I really want. I want the group of Amish kids that are like, yeah, we're going to like chill and be Amish, but we're actually very rebellious where they're like drinking in someone's basement. Like that's the Amish story I need.

You know what we need?

The real... Housewives. Housewives of Amish. I'll go to Pennsylvania right now. Where the fuck is it? Where the fuck is it? And there's something about, like, seeing an Amish carriage that I get jazzed up. I'm like, where are you guys going? What are you doing? Yes. You know? Their workmanship, phenomenal. This could be an Amish table we don't even know. I want to know the gossip, too. Like, did you see her new wheelbagging? What is it called? Wheelbagging.

Wheelbarrow? Wheelbarrow. You're like, did you try Becky's butter? It was so bad. Becky can't churn butter to save her fucking life. No, her churning technique is so embarrassing. It's so chewy. She's been making those same cookies every year. Think of something else. Also, she's been doing braids for so long. Forever. We're done with the braids, Becky.

Why do confessionals just tear each other apart? We should make like a mock, like a fake reality show, but it be Amish. Like a scripted... Yeah, like they look at the camera when someone does something annoying. Yeah, and it's just all niche. But here's what would be so funny. Like if we wrote a show like that, which I think we could, we'd have to method act.

And we'd have to go submerse ourselves so that we could figure out what their day-to-day is so we could figure out what's funny. Because we don't want to, like, stereotype the Amish. Right. We want to find out their true nuances. Oh, they like singing hymns. I love that for them. They're like, oh, my God, did you hear which hymn Becky picked out today? Like, that's so last year. Becky, like, says she believes in God. She likes top 40 hymns. She's so basic. She also, like, tried eyeliner the other day. So, like, I don't know. No, literally. Literally.

Sorry, I'm Googling about the Amish right now. Oh yeah, you have to milk cows too. And you have to clean up animal pens. No, they live like...

They don't want brand trips because like all it takes is one conversation with us and they'll be like, why am I cleaning this fucking pen right now? Yeah. We're like, you could leave your dad. Leave him. Here's what I'm wondering. Like when someone in the Amish community breaks the law, who do they tell? Like are you? God. Amish people end formal education at the eighth grade. I love it. I'm going. So did you. Yeah.

Okay, you're not original for that Amish. They don't hold political office and they restrict involvement with outsiders, us. They use, okay, if you're Amish and you're listening to Giggly Squad, send us a sign. We'll come for you. Because also just to give us info. Oh, some of them can drink alcohol. It's situational. Okay. A lot of carpentry.

A lot of carpentry. And the girls get married between 20 and 22. You know what? It's better than what I thought it was going to be. But I think that's like a recommendation. Yeah. Dating begins around 16. Okay. We're getting too deep. We're getting too deep. We're veering off course. Um...

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Also on TikTok, it came up, what's a scam that's become so normalized that we don't realize it's a scam anymore? And I love scams. Yeah. Like, I love scams being called out. Like, investigated journalism. Like, where's all the Monet hair care girlies? Where'd they go? What's going on with them? This is controversial. I haven't heard a peep from them. Where's FatFitFun? Where is FatFitFun? Because pre-pandemic...

They were all up in our shit. They were everywhere. Yeah. Haven't seen them since. What are some other ones? I feel like the comments were really good. Okay, I took a lot of screenshots of the comments. Check in at 4 p.m., check out at 11 a.m. Wait, I'm so glad you brought this up because I was thinking the other day, when's the last time you checked out of a hotel? Oh, I don't do it. I'm like, figure it out.

But I didn't know that like you were supposed to check out. I don't check out. I don't check out ever. Me neither. I'm not going to awkwardly just and I also not going to hand over my key. You me neither. I'm going to leave it in the room. I'm going to leave it in my bag and then mix that key up with other keys the next time I'm at a hotel.

I just like, you already have my card. I booked it. Maybe it's important because then they know when to send housekeepers to your room. But I'm pretty sure after 11, they start knocking. They're like, you need to get out. But it is true for my life. It sucks because I'll have a show at 7. I'll fly in somewhere at 2 because I'm not going to fly in at 5. And then they'll be like, oh, there's not a room for two hours. And I'm like, so did I have to pay for like last night so I can sleep right now? Yeah.

Girl. It's a Ponzi scheme. But you do have to... I feel fine with hotels. You have to ask for things. Like, try to ask for a late checkout. Then I will try to ask for... I tried to ask for a better room once. They, like, hung up on me. I'm not good at that stuff. See, I...

I'm from the school of thought of like late checkout. Force me out of this room. Like I'm checking out late. Like I don't care what your checkout time is. I'm checking out when I have to go. Like. I have to say sometimes the housekeepers are like they'll walk in. Like they'll just be like hi. And you're like hi. And they're like you need to get the fuck out. And I'm like.

I'm so tired. They're like, same. Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. Go home. Someone wrote, this is a little above our pay grade, but health insurance being separated from dental insurance. And eyes. It's like, is that not all on my fucking head? Yeah. Is it not all interconnected? Yeah. No, that's a scam. Health insurance in general is a scam. Being charged for taking your own money out of an ATM. Wait, wait.

That's so true. Also, I feel like overdraft fees. Fuck you. Like, I hate those. Yeah. I mean, honestly, it's smart. But yeah, I did watch a thing on Netflix about like credit cards and how it really is such a scam and you should just always pay off your credit card. Yeah. Just always put that shit on automatic and hope for the best. You know what I was talking about today? I don't know. Do you know what your credit score is? I actually don't.

Do recently. But this is the thing. This is what's a scam. For you to actually check your credit score, it hurts your credit score.

Think that's why I've never looked so they'll be like we can check it, but it's gonna hurt your score Why because I guess if you have too many credit checks and that's I don't know why that's bad Chris you know why it's bad if you're checking all the time it depends on how you like check it and stuff So there's like free apps and stuff that you could use to get it, but there's also like fake credit scores. It's okay Don't miss when us um That's a great one buying water credit scores

Yeah, buying water. Water bottles. Specifically at the airport.

I've been bringing my Stanley to the airport. But you pour it out. I pour it out and then I go in the lounge and I fill it up with ice. And like this one lady was looking at me weird because my Stanley is obviously big and it wasn't fitting. It's bigger than your entire body. But like, you know, I need it. It wasn't fitting under like the ice thing. So I had to like tip it. So like some ice was falling out and there was a lady behind me who was like livid about it. And I wanted to be like, do you have to pick up the ice? No. So why are you so mad about it? Because it didn't like, I was spilling everywhere, but I was like, ugh.

Buzz off. I was like, I'm going on a six-hour flight and you're like, a woman behind me did slip on ice and tear ACL. And that woman whizzed us.

Wait, was it like the little crushed ice? That's premium. Yeah, it was good ice. The Delta Lounge has good ice. I do have to say, if you guys hear any like loud breathing, it's not me. It's actually Abby. She's a dog we've been fostering for months because Des' brother has been taking care of her. And we've been traveling too much. We can't keep her. And we need her to get adopted in the New York City, Long Island area. She's my favorite dog of all time. She's literally the best baby. She is very cute. If you want a little, adorable, cuddly baby.

Pocket pit. What kind? Yeah, I was just going to say what kind of dog is this? She's a mix. A mix little pit. I think she's a little terrier. She's short. She's snubby. Yeah. She's tiny. I feel like people can't realize how tiny she is. Bless you, babe. God bless. I knew we were talking about her. The thing with dogs is they're slutty.

Yeah, they'll throw them, pop that thing into anyone. She'll leave me in a second. That's why I'm like, someone take her because she doesn't. I think she's like really attached to Des right now. Like I walked in and she got happy and then she was like, where's? Yeah, like waiting for someone else. Where's number one? Yeah. But you have butter and. I have butter. Oh, I'm not done with scams. Selling a bikini top separate from the bottom.

Who's out here like always mix and matching their tops? Like it's insane. Well, it's because some girls have massive boobs. So they need to get like a different size in the top, but then need like a small size in the bottom. Valid, but I feel like it still should be under one cost. Right, because you're not just wearing the bikini bottom somewhere. Yeah, and I feel like they get to amp up the price because it's like two individual things. Buying bathing suits is a scam. It actually, it stresses me out. I just do Amazon. Yeah, I don't.

Do you remember when triangle bathing suits were like the shit? No, the chokehold. The chokehold. Did you have one? Of course. I think I bought one. They weren't flattering either. No, they didn't even look cool. No. It's just all these like cool girls were wearing them. I remember one time I begged my mom for this bikini that was like knit.

And then I got it. And then I realized you can't get it wet. Why are you wearing a sweater at the beach? I was like, wait a minute. I can't even go in the pool in this. But that's so page coded. I loved it. Form not function. I wore it all the time. Sorry. Oh, someone said tipping. Tipping has gotten confusing. It has gotten confusing because when you go to the coffee shop,

Are we tipping? Are we tipping? If there's someone behind me, I'm tipping because I'm nervous. But tipping like on the thing like Starbucks, if I go in and I have to fill out the screen. Yes, you have to. What do you press? The biggest, the middle or the end?

It depends, honestly, my mood that day. It has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with how productive or how quick this was. It's all about me. No, you're so right. I'll be in a good mood one day and I'll be like, I'm leaving a huge fucking tip. Here's my pin. Take whatever you want. But other days I'm like...

I shouldn't have even been spending money on this. No, some days they will fuck up my order and be like, oh my God, can I tip again? Yeah. But that's like my own psyche. That's fucked up. What's with men wearing the Van Cleef bracelet? Are they? Who? Is that how you say it? Yeah, Van Cleef. Who's Van Cleef? It's like a really, really famous jewelry brand. But the thing is, I thought it was a bit at first because I thought it looked like a like Tory Burch knockoff.

I thought it was ugly. It's the opposite way around. Like, everyone has copied the Van Cleef jewelry. That is so funny because I saw Irina Sabalenka, US Open champion, wearing the necklace and I was like, why is she wearing that cheap necklace? That's embarrassing. And I think it's... Wait, I love that so much. The fashion industry is mad at me anyway. I think Van Cleef is ugly. I think it sounds like...

And I think it's ugly. I think it's like literally one of the oldest jewelry brands. Okay, so there's history to it. I respect that. But then I saw guys, influencer guys are wearing it. I don't like that. I don't like it at all. I do like men spending their own money on things that they don't need. But I don't want them wearing a bangle. Okay.

Okay. No, it's a literal bangle with like a color and then it's kind of like a four-leaf clover. No. And it's like stupid expensive. It's stupid expensive. But I do, there is something about if we're going to take down the patriarchy, they need to spend on stupid stuff as well because we can't compete right now. The only stupid thing they're spending money on is Bitcoin. You know what's so funny? My brother came to New York City the other day and he was like,

I was like, I can't really drink that much because I'm on like skin pills. And he was like, okay. And then he saw my like face mask, like my Dr. Dennis Gross, like light up, like Iron Man mask on the counter. And he was like, what the hell is this for? And I was like, it's for my skin. He was like,

But I thought you were on pills for your skin. And I was like, yeah, but I'm also like he couldn't. He was like, you're doing multiple things for your skin. Like he couldn't compute it in his brain. I was like, what are you saying? He couldn't imagine. You're like, I have Comic-Con tomorrow. That there were multiple things that I might do. Your skin looks really good. You are wearing a full face of makeup. I have a ton of makeup on right now. But you look great. Thank you. What light do you get if you do buy one of those products?

So I've tried a lot of them and I don't think a lot of them work. I really only like my Dr. Dennis Gross one. Who's this Dr. Dennis Gross? This is where you're going to go for your big facial. Okay. But like, does he do it? Does he do the facial? Yeah. No. Where is he? He's sometimes there. He'll do our Botox when we're ready. Oh. But he'll do it. Is he like a zaddy? Yeah. Yeah.

I haven't been watching Love is Blind. You're really missing out. I know. I just can't. I can't. I have a lot of thoughts, though. I have seen the Megan Fox drama. What are your thoughts?

I feel like they need to leave this girl alone. Wait, unpopular opinion, Hannah. I was just about to fucking say this. Unpopular opinion. Every TikTok I saw of people like showing their boyfriends like reaction to it. Wait, that's so mean. You're why the Barbie movie was created. Dude. You're why the Barbie movie was fucking creative. First of all, this girl said that- They're asking their boyfriends? That's mean.

What's mean? Yeah, first of all, the guy asked her, which is against the fucking rules. What she looks like. Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity? She was the one to be like, I don't look like this person. Yes, she did. I watched, that's the only clip I saw where she prefaced it saying, I don't think I look like this person. But people have said. Yeah. Now.

The man she got paired with looks like a thumb, okay? So the fact that he was like so, like she lied, I was like, okay, but you, like, your hair matches your skin color. Like, it's too much. You're very monochromatic. Yeah.

And it's milky, milky white. No, that is... I can't... Then, like, she had to, like, say something because people were being so mean. She never said, hey, I just want to let you know that I am the spitting image of Megan Fox. They made it sound like she said that. She didn't say that. Also, as someone who's experienced reality TV, like, they said so much shit in those pods, and that's why it's good because you're just...

throwing stuff around. She'd probably been talking for seven hours at that point. And they were like, who does she look like? And here's the other thing. She does kind of look like her. They have the same, like, eyes. If you said you had to pick a celebrity, I could totally see how someone says, yeah, she looks like a virgin. Here's the other thing. I thought Very Poor Taste...

of Megan Fox to not come out and say something. Like, I feel like if I was Megan Fox, it's all over the internet. Do you know why? There's no way she didn't hear about it. I feel like if I was Megan Fox, I would at least send her a message and be like, you're beautiful. Oh my God. What a compliment to me. I would have fucking went out there and been like, hell yeah, this is my twin, I love you. I had a lot of thoughts about this and they were none of the popular opinions like on the internet. But you know what the problem is? Megan Fox doesn't look like Megan Fox. Right.

Right. Megan Fox looks like an AI version of Megan Fox. I saw a TikTok and it was this guy going around asking other guys, like, who's your celebrity crush? And one of them said Megan Fox, but they did like, but circle like Transformers. I love when guys pinpointed an exact time and location. Yeah. Well, every guy was like, it was like a thing. Her, Jessica Alba.

Yeah. That was like a time. A time period. A time period. But they both are beautiful with and without surgery. But yeah, that was fucking mean. Yeah, I thought it was so mean. Because like, imagine, this is the thing, you have to put yourself in their position. And then people were like, she's so insecure. And I was like, well, yeah, she's a fucking human and she's on a reality show about dating. Obviously, she's insecure. Like, what?

and you're not like do you know how like when people say you look like celebrities it's like obviously you're not a spitting image of the celebrity like for example like it's that you like remind them like yeah something about it like I'm trying to think if someone asked me and I said like Hillary people say I look like Hillary Swank but like I don't see it yeah her saying I don't see it means don't it's not gonna look the same right so yeah everyone fucking stop being an asshole yeah oh my god you should bring her on the pod

Oh, I forgot. Speaking of assholes, I have to make an apology to the Academy. To, for? What?

Speaking of fur, Grace has been like pulling some receipts from my past, trying to expose me. My enemies are working really fucking hard right now. Working overtime. She posted a clip from a year ago of me making fun of a guy wearing fur crocs. We should have kept that same energy. And now fur crocs are my only personality type. What got you into the fur crocs? Let's go back for a minute. They sent it to me. Mm.

And I put it on and my life changed forever. I'm going to email them. I felt like I was being held by my mother when I was two years old. One time I had to do an Amazon Live and Crocs was the sponsor. And I literally said, I can't do this. That's crazy because I would have jumped at the opportunity. I would have thanked. I would have kissed the CEO on the mouth. I said, I can't sell the girlies Crocs. They said, oh, you will.

I know you will. And I was just, I was like, guys, look, I was so honest. I was like, I couldn't do it, but you should. I love my Crocs so much that I wore the non-fur ones in the rain today. So, like, my feet were wet and I was still happy because I don't want to put on a sock. Now, this is the thing. So, put on an Ugg. But then if Uggs get wet, that's like a wet teddy bear. I hate it. Also, Uggs...

I'll tear my ACL and Des and I will both be in the bed together. Oh my God. See, I love my fucking Uggs. I feel like I get overheated in my Uggs. I can't breathe. You were wearing fur crocs. Fur crocs that give a little ankle. I put my foot in that fur croc the other day and it was wet. Okay. Well, that was after a long podcast and you know I'm a sweaty person. I do have to say it is starting to smell a little, so I'm going to message them and ask if I can put it in the washing machine. I'll just buy another pair. Okay.

But this is the thing. Crocs, if you're listening to this, get out of her life. I admit that I said what I said back then. And people change. Yes, they do. People change their perspectives. I'm a different person than I was a year ago. And I want to apologize for that.

for being hypocritical for ever speaking bad to that man because that man knew something I didn't know and that was true love in the form of a crock a crock a crock of shit is what I knew you were gonna say that I knew you were gonna say that okay so I got that I got that off my chest also JLo is putting out an album a movie and a documentary all this month what is she running from what is she

What's going on? I mean, what's going on? How? But this is, and we're not just, look, if like Olivia Rodrigo did it, I'd be like, okay, chase that bag. Yeah. Jennifer Lopez is like the richest person ever, has a full family. She never chills. And I love hardworking people, but like she self-financed it, $20 million for the movie. I could think of so many more things I would self-finance. Apparently it was like a 48 minute movie or something. And I'm, I'll get on board with that.

Yeah, I'm into that. But, like, not... I wouldn't pay $20 million. And it's about, like, her love story with Ben? It's, like, a crazy movie about love, but it's, like, in the future, and there's, like, all this weird shit happening. So it's, like, sci-fi weird. Is this the one that's on Amazon? Yes. But, like, I want to see the documentary. I saw her last documentary about the Super Bowl. But, like...

Who thought this might be a good idea to be like, let's do a fake movie about your life that's not done that well, and then a real one about your life, and then also music about your life? Oh, it's two separate things. A documentary and a movie are both coming out this month. No, I don't know. I can't. I'm tired just thinking about it. No, I'm so tired. Where's the book? Okay.

I really liked... I just recently watched, like, the full version of Ben's Dunkin' commercial. I think he was...

On meth. No, I just for some—whatever reason, I don't expect his voice to be like that every time he talks. Like it's higher? It's boyish. Yeah, he's so much grungier and like, I don't know, than I like expect him to be. I want to be like, you're like an Oscar award winning actor for like the past like 30 fucking years. Yeah. Like, I don't know. He's just a silly boy. Yeah, he's like—

still, I feel like a 20-year-old kid. Like, I don't know. It's just like the way he comes off to me. I wonder if he's going to be in a lot of the documentary because the last documentary... He wasn't. He wasn't? And Alex Rodriguez. I almost said Rodrigo. Alex Rodriguez wasn't in either. Has anyone checked on him? No. He was never heard from again? No. I think he's on ESPN. He looks like a Q-tip.

That's what I think of every time. I see. He actually looks like a really clean cute guy. He looks like a baseball with veneers. Yeah. He looks like a baseball player. I love when people look

like what they are you know like I love when people I'm like yeah you're a fucking hairstylist like no like I like you know like people like have different names and you're like you're just like not a Christina to me yeah like I like when things really I'm like that's so you I do know like you walk into to get your hair cut the salon you see the girl and you're like that's not a hairstylist I don't feel safe yeah some like I'll do a scan of the room and I'm like but

But sometimes the girls with the worst hair on their own are the best. Like if they're putting too much effort into their own hair, I'm like, do you even care about mine? Yeah, because like... It's like stylists. If you think about it too, like when you go get your nails done, their nails are never done. I do have to say some of the best stylists, you'll never see them throw on like a slay fit. Yeah.

Is that weird when I said slave fit like that? Okay, Grace said that was weird. I like them like in all black, the same outfit all the time, and then I know they're fucking good. If they look better than me on the red carpet, I'm like, what's going on here? No, every time I see like my stylist girlfriends, I'm like, you look like a stylist. Yeah. And I appreciate it. Do I look like a podcaster? I was just going to say, do we look like stupid podcasters?

Yeah. I mean, I'm wearing a fucking tie right now. A literal tie. Yeah.

Oh, I also watched the Jenny Slate. Oh, how was that? Did you watch it? No, I started it and then I... She did a show a couple years ago that I loved, though. A special. Yeah, it would go into her home and her life. That was so fucking good. That was so good. This one was good. I think there's... She always has moments of silly brilliance that I love. She's super entertaining. So yeah, that was good. Yeah. Okay, I'm going to watch it then. There's moments where you're just like, you goofy little... She's adorable and she can make her voice...

Do all these funny sounds. I have no shows right now. Oh. I finished Belgravia. I'm like, I'm dying at home. I do nothing. I like, I do it too fast. Like, right when it comes out, I'm like, okay, I'll just light work with these three episodes. You know, like, it's not...

You know what? My TV time is really like... Having a show is like having a crush. Like life is just better with it. Then when you lose it, you're like, I didn't need it, but it was like more fun. Yeah, like I get upset. I'm like, we had something so good. And like it could have still kept going if you put the work in. If you just filmed more episodes, I'd be here.

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So Hannah, obviously the people at Mattress Firm know me. I went in. I tried it all out. Wait, you went to Mattress Firm? Honey...

I'm starting my lease. You won't come to my house for dinner, but you'll go to Mattress Firm. I'm like, what are your leases running for the next year? Because I'd like to move in. How many beds did you try? First of all, it's so serene in there. Oh, I bet. I tried them all. The reason I'm even bringing it up is because I don't know if people are aware of this, but our favorite week is coming up. Sleep Awareness Week. Which needs to be celebrated more.

more. Yes. Nighttime routines. Like we have them, whether we recognize them or not. Like I can't get in the bed. Not that I have to make it every single day and get into like a freshly made bed, but I have to trick myself into that. I am getting in a freshly made bed. I feel like I'm not good at making my bed. So even when I do it, I'm like, well, that looks worse.

It's like food. It always looks better when someone else did it. And then my mom, I'm not doing the throw pillows. Beds and sandwiches, so similar. Do you do throw pillows? Of course. I have like 75. You do. I like taking all my pillows off. What are you overcompensating for with your throw pillows? I don't know.

But I do have to say, this pillow talk is presented to you by Mattress Firm and ACAST Creative. It's a very special segment. We hold close to our hearts. One of my favorite things to do in bed that, like, I feel like not everyone does, but, like, when I'm in therapy, I have to do it in my bed. Like,

Like, I have to have my computer in my bed because I feel like it's my safest space. No one can get to me. When I tried to meditate for, like, three days, I would do it in bed and I'd just fall asleep. That's healthy. I'd be like, I meditated for four hours. That's a healthy habit. I do eat in my bed. Well, I travel a lot. Yeah. So, like, in a hotel room, I think it's weird if you get food delivered. And then...

You like sit at the awkward desk. I've gotten ready for an entire night out in my bed. I've done my hair and my makeup in the bed. I'm that roommate who has all the cups. Yeah. Something people don't know about you as a bedtime habit that you have. You prefer face on the mattress. So I'm a stomach sleeper. And I do have to say people come for stomachs. They're like, whatever you do in this whole world, don't sleep on your stomach. Don't sleep on your stomach.

That's the one thing I enjoy in life, to sleep on my stomach with a little head tilt, a little creak in the neck. Keeps you humble, you know? They said that it could affect your skin sagging, all this stuff. You know what? So can microwaves. Right. So I'm going to choose my battles. You're going to sleep how you want. How do you sleep?

Like a literal mummy. So I try and do all the things. You know me. Sometimes my mouth is taped. Sometimes I have random patches on my face. Like, I need also, like, four pillows. So we're opposite in that. We're actually good at sleeping together because we're so opposite. Because you don't move. No. No. No. No. No. Never moved once. Do you and Craig have the same temperature preference in bed? Yes. Ice cold. See, this is where I'm, like—

almost at divorce level, Des like doesn't like it cold. I run the house, so I'm like, it's cold. So every time I go to bed, he goes, are we in the Arctic? Are you freezing the chicken thigh? What's going on? Every time. Yeah. Same joke. He has to make a pun little joke. He's like, great. I want to have influenza before I go to sleep. If it's better for my skin, I don't care how it affects anyone.

I just can't fall asleep on my back because then I feel like the sleep paralysis demons can get you. Your whole head is off the mattress. They're coming for your face first. They wash your damn face.

My Nana said the way she falls asleep. My Nana still got it. She's gorgeous. She literally, like, she's a mummy. Yeah. Hand across. I try and think of her when I'm falling asleep. I'm like, don't turn your head on the pillow or you'll be ugly in 10 years. We also wrote our favorite things to do in bed. One, absolutely nothing. Right.

Also, our favorite thing, punching pillows, screaming into pillows. We talked about screaming into pillows. It's really therapeutic. Prank phone calling. Any phone calling is really best from the bed. And then we make content about how much we love our bed. But what's your opinion on cuddling in bed? It totally depends for me. Like, once it's time to sleep, I need to...

act like I'm the only person alive on this earth. Yes. And like what is the most serene for me? I 100% agree. The second like we've acknowledged we're cuddling, I'm out. I'm like that was a cuddle. I'm most selfish right before I'm falling asleep. I don't care about anything. You don't have to kick him off you, but yeah. If my eyes are closing. The world could be on fire and I'm like let me get a quick 10. See, I sleep with my cat. So like

I'll be like on Des and I'm like, thank you. And then I pull over and I put my hand in a position. Wherever Butter is, she within like 10 seconds jumps and curls into my arm. Oh my God. And when I can't fall asleep, her just like purring on my arm puts me to sleep. I don't wonder you ever get out of the bed. I don't. Yeah.

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Mental health moment? I realize that all our memories are fake. And I realize that nothing in this life is real. Time is a construct. When you're really upset about something in the past, I think it's like a hypnotism technique, but like you actually are lying to yourself sometimes. Like once I was like remembering this old relationship and I really put it on a pedestal and then I saw a video of it. Yeah. And I was like,

Oh my God, I made that up. Like I literally made that up. Like I hated that man. Like I literally remember that moment now that I see that and I remember he was literally sucked. But somehow like in between my psychoses, you can literally make up your past in a bad way. So you can use that power to then like recover from your past. Okay. So like if you're like really upset about...

How you acted at a party. Literally be like, no, everyone thought it was amazing. Because maybe they did. Okay, this is a perfect example. The other night, I'm out with one of my girlfriends. She's sitting next to a guy she used to talk to. He said to her...

what happened? Why did we stop talking? She said, well, you just stopped talking to me. He said, well, you texted me X, Y, and Z, and that threw me off. And she was like, what are you talking about? That's not even how I meant it. So it's like, oh my God, you guys had two completely different experiences and made up what the other person's experience was. Honestly, every boyfriend I've ever had really, like

Like, I made up all characteristics in my head that they don't have. I try to think, though, that, like, if the person's meant to be, you guys will have, like, similar reactions to things. You won't have to explain everything to him. Yeah. But the best way to explain it is, like...

I'll see comics, do a really good job, get off stage and be like, it wasn't that good. And then see the tape and be like, oh my God, it was good. Wow. So you're living your life thinking something happened in a way that it didn't. Yes. And even like, it's really easy to look at rose colored glasses of your past and be like, oh, I miss this school. Oh, it's so fun when I was in this school. Like, oh, I miss this job. When you really fucking hated it. Right.

I think someone who deals with depression sometimes, depression is all thinking about your past. And I realized recently, like, you're literally making up stories and then your brain is believing them. Yeah. You're gaslighting yourself. You're gaslighting yourself. Yeah. So, like, if something's fucking you up from the past, really be honest with yourself and be, like, try to remember what it was really like. And at the end of the day, like, nothing –

There were no good old days. Nothing matters. Nothing matters. And our moms are going to die at some point. So like we can't, we can't keep going. No. In this life. No. No. The other day I got so upset because something happened and I was like, fuck, I'm going to have to just like call.

And then I was like, wait a minute. I'm so past the point in my life where I'm like, whatever, I'll have my mom call. Like, I feel like all through high school, if something happened to me, I'd be like, you better watch out because I'm going to have my mom call. Like, that's like the only comeback I would have. Like, okay, see you in court. My mom's calling. And I feel really sad that like that part of my life is over. Like, now I have to call? You know, and I don't like that. No, I don't.

I'll be like, Des, can you call? But then he's annoying and he'll be like, you need to grow up and you need to call. I'm like, this isn't like, this is me. I'm grown up already. This is me. I can't talk to people. No, I sometimes dial the number and then I just, and I press like call and then it'll be ringing and I'll just put it the phone in front of Craig and be like, oh.

It's going. You have to do it. My dad loves customer service calls. He gets, like, hyped up for them. I'll hear, like, the background music because he's waiting and I'm like this... He's like, I'll wait all day for these people. I'm going to get to the bottom of it. I feel even worse for Gen Z's because they never had a talk on the phone. You know what else is annoying and I feel, like, so old saying it? You can't even call places anymore. Like, I had to return a bag that I bought and they didn't send me the return label and I...

I didn't have like a copy of the receipt. So I was like, I don't even know if I can go into the store and return this. Like I need to email customer service to get a thing. And I was like, I'll just call. And I couldn't. No one answers. Yeah. It's just like not a real person. So like the amount of times I spend in my life pressing zero, zero, talk to an operator, zero. Like I that makes me infuriated. Also, whenever I have to ask a question, I think that it's the dumbest question they've ever been asked.

I feel like that could be like a TikTok series in itself, like different customer service calls. I'm sure people say wild things. But every now and then you get someone on customer service that you're like,

Are we, like, vibing? Yeah. You're like, are we best friends? Honestly, a lot of the Delta customer service, I'm like, you are chill, bitch. You know this one woman, Suzanne, she was, like, telling me about her whole life, and I was like, girl, me too. Yeah. Like, same. Yeah. And it's just another human trying to make it through the day. Mm-hmm. But then sometimes, like, you could tell they hate you. Yeah.

when you haven't even started yeah and I'm a people pleaser so I'm like I'll win you over oh now I just stay on the call to win you over um but yeah I I also do speaker all the time same I don't know why it makes it I feel because I get nervous like what if I can't hear you know and like what if they can't hear me so I'm like speaker makes it harder

To hear people. Like, it's better when you have it to your ear. I'm a big speakerphone girl. But then, like, you piss everyone else off in the room. Well, I'm not doing it in... Oh. Well, I live alone. No, I know. I was walking in the city the other day, and I realized there are... As much as we hate men and, like, we give all of our icks that are, like, you know, you guys aren't allowed to use umbrellas, tie your shoes, it's, like, a whole thing. Mm-hmm.

I realize there are certain things that guys do do that aren't sexual at all that I am, like, I love. Like, I'm very attracted to. One of them is walking by a barbershop. Yeah.

Not when they come out of it. When they come out, egg. That's an egg. When they're in there and they're, like, sitting in the chair and there's a guy, like, doing their hair and they're – it's just all men. There's something really hot about it to me. And I don't know what it is, but, like, if I'm in an Uber and I'm passing a barbershop, I'm locked in. I'm like, who –

What's going on in there? Who's in there? It's like a woman's bathroom. Like everyone's like, what the fuck are they doing? Then we get to like see into it. Yeah, I'm like, what do you guys talk about when you're in the chair? I think they just like play Joe Rogan. What do you talk about when you get your hair cut? How often are you getting your hair cut? Now, not much. Do you like when the guy touches your head?

Like do you feel relaxed when you're gonna you do how long does it take usually like how long you sitting in the chair? Like 20 minutes nah longer like 45. Yeah, like 45. How long what do you ask for? What numbers?

What numbers? I used to do bald skin fade before I started growing my hair out. Skin fade? Mm-hmm. Do you like how you look after a haircut? Oh, it's the best. Wow. I think I've dated some guys that when they get a haircut, I'm always like, don't talk to me for four weeks. Yeah, they don't feel like themselves. Because their hair doesn't look good short. It's like when you get your dog groomed. Your dog's like, I don't know what's going on. I'm cold. It's how I feel to my boyfriend. I'm like...

I don't know what's happening. I've never seen you like this. I do have extreme haircut anxiety. You do? I don't know why. Because you cut off less than an inch every time. If I cut an inch and a half, my life is over. I'm disgusting. I'm ugly. I have to start wearing it in a bun. If someone suggests layers to you, you're like, fuck it. I freak out. I'm going to be Amish. Just braid it. No, but I'm crazy because I'll see a photo from months ago where I know that my layers were a little shorter and I'm like, I can't look at that photo of me.

Really? I keep my hair, like, very close to, like, my self-esteem. Okay. And I don't particularly think I have very good hair. I mean, I never brush it. But you have good hair. I just can't change it. Got it. Or I feel like, like, even a slick back bun, I'm like... Yeah, it gives you drama. I don't feel like myself. I feel like a hard-boiled egg. I wonder why that is. Because...

I'll wear anything ugly. But I would assume growing up because you played tennis that your hair was probably always in a ponytail. It was always in a ponytail, but it was never about looking pretty. Like, that was just wartime. But you look really good in a ponytail. I don't know. Someone made fun of my ears when I was, like, eight, and I just haven't recovered. You have never stopped thinking about it. Yeah. But, like, I feel like you can pull off a lot of different hairdos, and it could also be a face-shaped thing. Mm.

I also have a cowlick. What else? I have a cowlick. How are you alive? Right here? Yeah. So, like, if I put my hair to the side, it doesn't do the right thing because of my cowlick. And you also have a widow's peak, kind of. No one's ever told me that. Wait, I have a widow's peak. Wait, this-

No. And then this just looks like a weird comb over. Wait, in fourth grade when we learned how to do punnett squares, you didn't everyone look at each other and see who had widow's peaks? What's a punnett square? A punnett square. What's a punnett square? Like recessive and dominant genes.

Like blue eyes and brown eyes? Yeah, like the big R, little r. That's called a Punnett square. Did you get hit in the head just now and become Einstein? Like where is this coming from? I have a lot of knowledge. I just don't pull it out at the right appropriate time often. I just don't want to show it off all the time. Yeah, I'm not trying to mansplain to everyone. I get it. But like you can wear your hair in many different ways. I feel like if I wear my hair in a bun, it's like I'm like half of myself.

Okay, so for 2020 we're gonna work on no why? Do you remember the Express you when they Okay, but Hannah you looked gorgeous with your hair parted on that side. It's because you had volume Here's the thing you also do things now listen to me because I know that about to get a tongue lashing right because you do things and you're like See it doesn't work because you pulled one piece

one piece of hair in the front. Yeah, of course it's not going to work when you just did it. But like when you had your hair done and it was blown out correctly and it was all to one side, you looked like Cindy Crawford. I look like that emo, emo llama. No, you literally look like you're going through something. You look like you're the lead singer of Green Day. No, you guys have to watch the clips. We are going to put- It's like Fall Out Boy is coming back. Stay tuned.

Why did every singer sing like that? Wait. Yeah.

Former love. Late 2000s? Why did they have that accent? Can you help me? Because they were going through something emotionally. Chris, do you remember that time? I think this is why I hate when men cry, and it's specifically this genre of music. I'm like, please, with your drama. Oh, my God.

No, they wore eyeliner non-ironically. I don't like that. What would you do if I came in an eyeliner? I would ask if you were okay. We would support. Yeah, I would support, but I'd be like, what's going on at home? That's nice. Yeah, okay. Should I call CPS? You're perfect. You can try anything. But not if you started a band with it. Right, that's too much. I will say, speaking of hair, I think that I'm single-handedly going to do Snooki Proud and bring back the poof.

Because I realized the other day. You can't pull off the poof either. I was going to Pilates and my bangs were all out of whack and I couldn't fit them in a ponytail. So I just pinned them back with a bobby pin and I was like, this is me doing a poof. Is this how you did the poof? Because this is how I did it. You pull in the front, you do a little twist, and then you push forward. Yeah. And then you put a... That's Cindy Lou Who.

No, that's how I used to do it too. That's how you do it. Here's where people would go wrong. Wait, we actually did this. We did it for real in middle school. Middle school? Honey, I just stopped poofing the other day. Like I have, I poofed all through college, I think. Should we just like do poofs and not tell anyone and see who copies us? And not tell them it's a bit? Yeah. But then it won't become like a not a bit.

I don't like how I look in it. I look... Oh, my God, no. Like... We're having a real crisis with your hair recently. Well, also for the special. Yeah, you're stressing yourself out because you're... You've made this special more intense than your wedding day. Like, I didn't hear a peep your wedding day. I forgot I got married. Like, I have to look the best I've ever looked. You're like, yeah, fuck it. I'll wear that dress. Yeah.

This year, like, I have to look, which I get. Look, if anyone gets it, I fucking get it. You're right. Are you going to get your hair cut and dyed prior? I could. I think you should. And I think you should do it, like, within the next, like, week or two so that it still has time for you to, like, have done it yourself multiple times so you feel like, oh, yeah, this is my hair. Okay.

Okay, so this is me. Because I think your red should be a little bit more vibrant, and I think your layer should be cut a little. Do you think it should be a little lighter? Did you hire hair and makeup yet? Yes. Okay. We'll offline about that. I love how you're more stressed than me. No, I'm very stressed. You're very stressed. But no, this is good. I just want to let the Googlers know. We're thriving. We're here. We're thriving. We're here. I'm going to Saginaw.

This week, if anyone wants to see me in Saginaw and Gary, Indiana. Where the fuck is Saginaw? And Cincinnati, Michigan. I will say that I did probably one of the coolest things I've ever done in New York City, which was go to the SNL after party. Oh my God, we didn't even talk about it. Which I had never done before and I can't believe I hadn't done it. It's so...

Niche New York. So niche New York. I loved every second of it, even though it started at 1.45 in the morning. I like that it's niche New York because people don't even know about it. Yeah, I don't think people know about it unless you literally live in New York City. It's kind of like ordering something off the menu party. Yeah, it's true.

It's just like, honestly, I have a very hard time being impressed by things. And I have a very hard time feeling cool. And in that moment, I was like, this is cool. Like, I think this is a really cool, like, I'll remember going to an SNL after party. But it's so funny because comics in their heart of hearts are not cool. Like, they're the outliers. They're the, like...

awkward people making fun of the popular people. See, I would argue that actors are not cool. I would agree. And that comedians and athletes were the cool people in high school who continued to be cool. Sometimes the actors take themselves too seriously. Yes. Also, these award shows, they don't even give them a day in between. Like, they had another one right after. And it's on Netflix? What's going on? That was an...

They, like, kind of cursed. I was like, this is crazy. Wait, so they had the SAG Awards, and the next day they had, like, independent SAG Awards or something. And then where was the BAFTA? Oh, the BAFTA was right before. What is a BAFTA? I think we should just make up a fake award show and invite people to see who shows up. That's what award shows are. It's a fake thing. Literally. Also, everyone's different who's voting, but, like, you're telling me there's no overlap? Also, who's voting? I've never voted in anything.

Who's voting? Also, I want to see the votes. I want to see the votes. I want to recount. I want to see the numbers. I want to know who's close, who's not close. I don't want to just have one winner. I want to see the polls. People's Choice Award, it's like, oh, that's the majority of the people. I feel like that would be more impressive to win an award at because you're like, oh, these are the people I care about. I've never voted for anyone in a People's Choice Award. I've never even seen where you can vote. I didn't know where you could vote. Also, if it's just like someone doing swipe ups on their Insta stories, that really... It's a scam.

Sounds like a scam. There's enough. Award shows are scams that they have normalized. Well, also with award shows, it's like political where you have to like be doing a ton of press. Yeah. To like, like you, JLo was talking about it, how you have to like basically suck the industry's dick during that time. Unless you're Dakota Johnson. When she did Madam Web Press, she was like, yeah, I haven't seen it and I'm not gonna. I'm going to say something that could get me canceled. Yeah.

Has anyone even ever watched a Dune movie? I personally haven't. This movie I've seen more press about. You haven't watched a Dune movie? No. Have you seen Dune? No.

No one's. I have a conspiracy theory. No one's seen the Dune movie. It's not even a movie. They just keep wanting to dress up Zendaya. Wait, I want Larry David so badly to like do a fake award show or like do a fake movie with like all this press. And it's like, have you seen it? Like, it's so amazing. It's like no one's seen it. And you ask questions like, what was your favorite part of the movie? And everyone's like, oh, the ending was really full circle. I like when they do that on Fashion Week when it's like, are you going to? And they say like some crazy name. Like, it's like, yeah, I am.

No, I'm really over award shows, and I'm worried for these people. Like, do you know how hard it is? You have to come up with outfits, get judged. Yeah. The makeup, the hair. It's stressful. I didn't even know it was happening. And then most people lose. Right. Like, the majority of people. I think in me, emotionally, I have one award show every three years in me. Yeah. I didn't go to the People's Choice. Like, they said, they were like, do you want a ticket? You can go and, like, watch it. And I was like, well, no. What am I going to do in there? Yeah.

But like when you're up for an award, it's very nerve wracking. I would be very nervous. Because basically everyone talks to you beforehand like, so you want to win, right? And then how about like they show the cam, like they have a camera on you when you don't win and they like are being like, oh my God, what was her reaction? I can't help myself. I'm going to like as a joke, just break my plate. Yeah, like Jennifer Lawrence made it funny. Yeah, she was like, if I don't.

If I lose, I'm going home. It's also some people, they'll wear some outfits that it's like if you lose in that outfit. Like Ali Wong. What did she wear? She wore this outfit that was, you can't sit in it. Yeah. It was like a tree. Okay. And I was like, if she lost in that outfit, it's like. Even more heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking. But thank God she won. Yeah. Shout out to Ali Wong, who I'm obsessed with.

I am done now. Hopefully the award shows are done too. No, we still have the Oscars March 10th. Oh yeah, we're excited for the Oscars. We do love it. I just wish they would give some breaks for everyone emotionally and physically. We're deteriorating from inside out. Right, I feel like the stylists must be running rampant in LA. Like they're freaking out. No, for sure. It's too much. Well, thank you guys so much for giggling with us. Check out our newsletter. Also, I'm on Snapchat. Wow.

Hannah. No, I talk so bad about it and now I just like dump. I thought Kylie Jenner said it was over. I think it is. It is over because I'm on it now. Like the fact that I'm on it means it's over. But I just like post not important things. You know Instagram, you still feel pressure to like if I'm posting a story, I want to be like kind of good. If you start posting political things on Facebook, I'll check in. Oh, you have to know about politics to do that. Thank you. Actually, don't. Thank you guys so much for giggling. We love you and we'll talk to you later.