SUPERFLY #6 - Squirt Off, Putin, and an Indian Wedding
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's because they're naked. Well, it's like the 1800 time you say on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there. I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it.

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At Robert Half, we know talent. Visit roberthalf.com today. How would they, so they either face each other and do that until one quits because their eyes are burning or something. Or they go like this way and they shoot out for trajectory, like long jump. What do you think? This is what we start with.

Okay, we're going to start now, Dan. This is starting and it's officially started. Have we started? Yeah. And we're looking at my haircut and there's a lot of, the phones are lighting up already. Like what is going on? Well, in a word, you got height. You got height. You got Conan hair. That's a big swoop. I think it looks good though. I think it's a real Coney Island because look, it's straight up. It's like a dog licked my face.

right and i was trying to differentiate because they go you and dana look the same by the way you're not supposed to say that to two white guys that's racism uh it's a little r word it's questionable so basically i have this coney island thing because why i got a haircut and i said you know i got these wings in the side which i don't mind but it looked a little bit like uh

You know, that little elf that is in those movies, a cartoon elf, which we'll pull later and put up. But then I said, well, Dana, we're just two guys that have blonde hair. Like, it's okay, everybody. And so, but every other comment is like, I don't care. No, get a new comment. Okay. Other than that. Well, I guess it's like a sport. Like, yeah, you want to go look at some...

online podcast and see if the hosts look alike. Yeah, let's do it. And I guess we're number one with a bullet. They look a lot alike. By the way, there's some other ones. We love our fans. Yeah, I like my fans. I like my hair. And it's really getting some height today.

I don't think it's the happy elf. Heather's trying to show me elves, and I'm like, no, it's a famous one. Someone will send it. What kind of products you're using, but we should endorse them. Shellac. We should get a deal. Gorilla glue. So let me tell you about my weekend, Dan, just quickly, and then we'll get to the more boring stuff. I want to hear it, because usually you have very asymmetrical things happen, things that are a little different. Okay, here we go. Yeah, so...

It's a little skewed. A little skewed. I have a cup of coffee and watch a movie of the week. And you're out in the world getting your ass kicked or whatever. Dana's watching a rerun of Macmillan and Wife. That's a good one. Macmillan and Wife is just enough that you...

for kids out there about references, David's great at them. Dennis Miller's the king. He'd be, he'd be McMillan and wife, you know, we throw in a drag net here and there. Jill St. John. Topping off with, uh, oh, I can't think of any. That's why I'm not Dennis. So I did the road. I told you, I guided Santa Rosa, San Diego and Palm Springs last week. And yes, next week is Virginia, Richmond, Charlotte and Tyson's. So, uh,

I go to the Santa Rosa was, was a blast and it was pouring rain. Now the only highlights are,

I take some puddle jumper out there, you know, Delta. I don't know what it was, but you get off and the person in front of me is holding an umbrella. I'm like, why would you bring an umbrella on a plane? And they're like, good douche. Cause we get off and we're on the runway. So it's one of those where you get off and walk on the runway and they, and they have a canopy for about four feet. And then you're just, Hey, the fucking airport's that way guy. And I'm like walking in the pouring, pissing rain. Like, uh, it's really very old school.

And listen, we have a blessed life, Dana. We always have to throw that in, but we have to bitch about something because it was the worst turbulence. The pilot said one of the worst of my career, not me, not me. Um, and so after the flight, when you're getting off for the bye-bye part, you know, the worst he's ever had. Some, some husband asked the guy, that was pretty bad, honey. He goes, one of the worst in my career. And I was like,

So obviously I'm HR tough and stuff didn't bother me. And now I'm more worried about the rain because, and there's a canopy for about four feet and then you're on your own. Then it's like, Hey guy, airports that way. I'm like, Oh, okay. I'm walking, you know, but tough it out. And then, Oh, at the show, beautiful theater there. You did your special there. It's beautiful.

Uh, squatting monkeys tell no lies available now on, uh, Oh, is that the name of it? Yeah. After you finish your story, I'll tell you the disaster of that title. Okay, good. Uh, I just, there's no real story other than it was fun. And then right before the show I'm signing, you know, they put posters backstage to sign and they go, Hey, we had to let two people go. Um, but we're going to give them a refund.

I go, oh, why? What happened? They're drunk? No, they brought their kid. And I go, oh, how old do you have to be to be in here? And they go, well, it was more of a baby. And I'm like, oh, baby. And they go, yeah, one week old fucking baby just popped out of the oven. A one week old, Dana, what are you doing? They're not going to get the intricacies of my act. Do they want me to cut the cord? What are we doing?

I've had toddlers, you know? I know. I've had kids like, oh, my daughter's 15. Do you care? Is there any F-bombs? I'm like, yes. But, you know, it's not like dirty, but I'm like, I get it. I get it. But, man, that's pretty young to be a fan of mine. Is it? That'd be my first thing. Yeah.

Well, I mean, your demographic is huge. It's a very wide. And now we know it goes to one week of being born. It starts at one week. Well, before that, because it's already a fan already getting tickets to a show. Yeah. They're like, oh my God, David Spade's coming. I almost missed it, but I was born and now I get to go. I don't have to wait for the next year or whatever, but I will go back to that place. It was great. And so now I want to hear your story about that theater because it's a great theater.

Well, first of all, about flying, I give you kudos. I've been on a couple of tough flights with you. And yeah, you don't seem to get too rattled. You believe in a higher power will protect you. You did clutch a little figurine or something and you cried gently. But my control issues are so off the charts that if I'm flying across country and I've got a nervous flyer next to me.

They sometimes have a little map. You see where your plane is. Then I get on my iPad and I get air turbulence reports. So I'm Svengali the entire flight. I go in five minutes. It's going to be kind of choppy for about 10 minutes. So the whole flight, I'm predicting it. And then one time I noticed I looked at the flight where we were and we were supposed to go from L.A. to New York.

And we were circling over Montreal. I said, we're way north now. And there's a huge storm coming in. Okay. So I'm just coaching her. She's in tears with all this turbulence. We're going down the Hudson Valley. There's a huge black cloud on the right. And I said, we're just going to miss it. And we swept in. So she gave me a hug and said, who are you? You're almost solely landing on the Hudson Valley. Yeah. I know. I found out afterwards solely.

After that, he was so traumatized, he could only fly in planes that land on the water. So he only flew amphibious planes after that. Oh, really? I didn't know that. I made that up. But my special squatting monkeys tell no lies was just from a bit that I did about Scientology. You know how you come from a planet and your Thathams get in you and stuff like that. What religion...

Would blow them away. What religion would a Scientologist hear about and go, holy shit, that's whacked. So I made up this religion. We are the cuckoo or the voodoo. And they basically put a harness in a monkey and they put them over a vat.

of pudding and they lower him down and chant a mantra and you know so it came from that squatting monkeys tell no lies that's that's their sacred mantra oh okay well that would make sense what's the name of your last netflix special go i was only quizzing no i got a name for a new one ready it's called general soreness because that's what i feel every day

Wow. So you're going to punt on Rackham, which would be the greatest. Yeah. Rackham. Fuck off. That was a good one. You have it. By the way, do you know what's about Sully? I bet you didn't know this trivia. General. So I can know a guy that's in the pilot union. He said after that, he got a lot of puss and he dropped the Y, which made it. I cleaned it up for you. Yeah. Cause I'm so dirty.

I am dirtier than you, Dana. I have to say on this thing, I do say a couple F-bombs and stuff. Well, I don't, you know, I'm not, I'll go as blue as possible. I mean, nothing shocks me. I'm the one who did Kirk Douglas and Burt Lancaster as lovers, you know? I mean, I have a way of being blue. Yeah.

I don't hide it as much. I mean, you do so many corporates and we all, I'm mostly known for being on TV. And when people come see me do standup, they don't really know I started at standup.

And after the show, they don't really know or believe that I still do stand up. They're like, what was that? But I think that when I do, uh, when I do an incredible stand up, yeah, I'll be in Charlotte. I'll be in Richmond. Um, so I, uh, I do it, but I think people know me from just shoot me or rules of engagement or maybe movies and they go, Oh, they're almost always PG 13. So when I come out, right. Yeah.

It's not Martin Lawrence. You know what I mean? They're not like, oh, I don't want to shock them. They go, I dip into it, but it's a goofy way. So who cares? You know, that's what it's about. Well, I'm trying to think what my, if I do a corporate day, where do I stretch it out? I don't know. I mean, the one joke that I do, it's one of those jokes that gets a laugh that I didn't write. I heard a psychologist say it on the radio and I thought, man, that's funny. I'm just going to slow it down and make a bit out of it. So it was,

The bit was, you know, you always tell your kids to be kind to women, you know, because women, if you really think about women, they like a man who's strong, muscular, big shoulders, but they also want a man who's sensitive and kind and can understand their needs. But ladies, you can't have that guy because that guy's got a boyfriend.

You know, Dana, I think we have a connection. We've been friends for a long time. And for this episode of Fly on the Wall, we've partnered with eHarmony, which isn't us. eHarmony is a dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. We are not dating. I want to clarify that. But the connection is what you want in a dating partner. Yeah.

Just someone like, if you found someone that listened to this podcast, that's somewhat of a connection. And then you sort of build on that. You want someone with some common ground. Yeah. It's not, it, look, if you want to connect romantically over, you know, super fly or fly on the wall, uh,

It just makes us happy. You don't want to be watching The Godfather and the person next to you goes, this movie sucks. You want to- So dumb. Yeah. You want to connect on all issues and harmonize in life. Similar sensibility, similar sense of humor, and similar sense of sense. I don't like when they watch The Godfather and they're like, everyone in this movie is so old. I'm like, they're 40.

Watch 2001 Space Odyssey. Too much of this movie is in outer space. I don't like it. When do they land? When do they land? Why is that stupid red light acting so silly? Who's friends with a robot? We know dating isn't easy. That's why we partnered with eHarmony because dating is different on eHarmony. They want you to find someone who gets you, someone you can be comfortable with.

Yeah. I mean, the whole idea is you're going to take a compatibility quiz, helps your personality come out in your profile, which makes all the profiles on eHarmony way more interesting and fun to read. So I think this is the goal of dating sites, and I think eHarmony does it great. It's just finding somebody you're compatible with.

So get started today with a compatibility quiz. So you can find some and you can be yourself with. Get Who Gets You on eHarmony. Sign up today. I'm a nibbler, Dana, and I think you are too, but you always know me that I just have to keep the energy going. And I think because I learned from my dad, pistachios...

are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up. They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Ooh. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Honey roasted.

Sea salt and vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah, look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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Let's try to have a spontaneous conversation where each one of us has a coma and goes silent every three, five seconds. I know, here's David telling me a joke when he gets a punch on him like this. Yeah. Then he goes, David, and I go, are you done? I didn't, you just came back. Here's me frozen responding to your best joke. Okay. Here's me like this frozen. That's what they just, that's what you see for five minutes. Here's me when you do a joke that sounds like mine. Oh, you put me off?

I go like this. Here's me when I freeze right when the wall falls in. Here's me when I can't hear you. Here's a waiter when he's on a podcast, but he's frozen. Here's me when I can't see you. Here's the shark when it freezes.

That's the name of that new haircut. Call it the shark. The shark. I got a dorsal. Yeah. This is a new haircut called the shark. It's like the shimmy with dancing. Bones are lighting up with this haircut. Let's get to some headlines, Dan. I can't wait to hear what's going on in the world. Let's do it and see if the algorithm...

Gets with us on this. Yeah, let's get some algo shit going. Let's get some. Okay, hit us with whatever one and we'll just talk about it. We haven't seen these, just so you know. We don't know what's going on. Oh, okay. This is what I read. Someone says, I bet we'll have flying cars in the future. And then this headline is, Ice Spice reportedly in a squirt off with Lala. So do you know what squirting is, Daniel?

Yeah, I do, but I've never heard of a squirt off. I feel sad that you do. No, squirt off is where it was headed. Oh, that's just, look. By the way, I didn't tell Heather. I saw Ice Spice's goddamn Cheesecake Factory the other night. Isn't that funny? So Whitney talks about squirting. I talk about it in my act. But I guess these two, I don't know if this is pay-per-view or what, but I'm in. So they either face each other,

and do that until one quits because their eyes are burning or something. Or they go like this way and they shoot out for trajectory, like long jump. What do you think? That's what we start with? Well, I love that you... We're just going to be PG-13. Now we're in this. Why are we starting with squirting? I agree. Let's start with... I got the memo. We're going to start with the squirt chunk and then go to... Well, this is a real story.

And then we got a necrophilia story. No. That's right. I don't go there. Okay, we'll go to another story. I like that one, though. Mom loses $800,000 disability case after photos emerge of her winning tree-throwing competition. So she filed for disability because she got hurt on the job, got insurance money.

And then she goes, well, I hope no one's looking. I'm going to go throw trees. Like, don't you know in movies they follow you and they don't want to pay the money? I got a bad back. She's throwing a small redwood tree 300 yards. My back hurts. I don't know if I'll be really good at this one. Full tree throwing gloves, professional tree throwing gloves on.

my lower lumbar so sure could I get a government check every week thank you all right what do you want me to throw a fucking tree over this fucking light pole I'll throw the audience over themselves dude I can't even decorate a tree I get sore

Excuse me, I'm from the government. I just saw you throw a tree. Oh, I don't know. And my last. Government.

The tree, the money, and you saw... My lumbar! We're mixing them up. No, there's Woody Allen. The tree, yeah, didn't know you were following me, dude. And then the steak. What are you doing? That's Woody Allen. Yeah. Sure. No, no, I'm back, my back. No, you're a wonderful government worker. You just, you know, you missed it by just a little bit. I get, I feel, I didract. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was pulling weeds. I found I was very good at it. So I don't mean to be didactic or facetious. It was a flying tree. It's an optical illusion. It was a tree that had a helicopter motif on the top of it. It literally jumped out of my hands and gave it no push.

I used to do a great Woody Allen. I'm so rusty. I think Woody is tough when we do it, when he's really fast. He's really out of breath. It's harder. Okay. So there's that one. No, it's your wonderful. Okay. That was funny. Oh God. Oh my God. Okay. This is, I keep getting sent this over the years. This is Austria lens to be specific.

Linz is a great improv. Okay. And so they have this. Am I supposed to believe this is real and not photoshopped? No, this is real. This is the funniest part. This is real. Oh, wow. In Austria. And I kept getting sent this going, what is this? So some artists, it says at the bottom and it,

So he does a smart thing because he takes an old picture of me. He puts, it's better to burn out than fade away on the side. And then he puts the quote, Kurt Cobain. So everything's wrong. It's I'm not Kurt Cobain. Wow. He got quotes from Neil Young. Right. So absolutely. So yeah, it just generates a lot of attention because people go, well, that's not, no, that's fate. No. And with that quote, isn't, and then it just got a lot, but he painted a whole,

And what country is this in? Austria. Where is it? What country? Austria. So that's where there's people. Everybody talks like Arnold out there. Look, it's a flabby loser, a silly quote by another loser, and the whole thing is a loser fest. This is a sample conversation of someone walking by.

You know, they're Austrian. Look at this baby man. Look at the baby man. And he's holding his fingers up like two because I only weigh two pounds. Yeah. He poops his diaper twice a day for the two fingers. He's like a little baby girl. How many times do you poop?

Yeah, what did you do in your diaper? I would like to tie his pectoral, his flabby pectoral muscles together so he could put them under a tree and it'd be a loser Christmas. Oh, I want to explain this one. Yeah, go ahead. What is this? This is an ex-cruise ship worker. Here's the reason why we throw free ice cream parties. I thought this was kind of funny because the reason is...

If you take a lot of cruises, I don't think you do. But no, an average of six to eight people die on every cruise. And every time they do, they have to throw them in the ice and they have to make room for the body. So they throw a party. So every time someone dies, they throw a party and quietly just freeze it until they land and they can take the body off. Isn't that nuts? Well,

Wait, let me get my head around this. Wait, no, wait a second. Wait, you know what you're saying? No, it's crazy. So six people die per cruise. Yeah, that's the first shocking thing. They throw this free ice cream party. So everyone goes to the ice cream party and then they're moving the cadavers to the dock. No, it's only to make room in ice because they have to throw the body in there. They get ice.

Isn't that nuts? Sign me up for a carnival cruise. I'm going to actually just, just hold on a second. Travel agent. Yeah. Carnival cruise. Yeah. And I want two tickets to the ice cream party at the end. Yeah. If there's another ice cream party, everyone goes, isn't that exciting? They're like, not really. Because you mean someone croaked?

Right. Because the old timers, the people go on all the cruise ships all the time, they go, oh, we got a lot of croakers this time. Never seen this much ice out here. What if you were just hung over and you wake up next to a Dilly Bar and you're like, oh, wait, do they think I'm dead? Am I in the ice cream thing? By the way, I will tell you, Dana, a side story. My brother... I just like Dilly Bar. That was a good reference. Dilly Bar is funny, right? From Dairy Queen? Dilly Bar is funny. My brother...

Oh, here's how he breaks news to me. He goes like this. Do you remember? I have to change the name. He goes, you remember from high school? He goes, hey, remember Jill Harris? I was like, oh, yeah. He goes, remember her from high school? I go, oh, did you see her? She's got really pale blue eyes. She's super pretty. He goes, yeah, she croaked. I go, what? He goes, yeah.

And I go, Brian, we don't. That's how you break it to me. She croaked. You mean she passed away? Sad story about someone I've known for 30, 20 years. Is he from the 1940s? Yeah. He goes, yeah, this broad croaked. And then he goes this week. I don't know if the other friend, you know, is going to be around because there's the funeral and all that bullshit. And I go, yeah, the funeral.

Yeah. Callous much? Yeah. He's very callous. He's an iron worker. You know, he's funny. He doesn't even say funeral. He goes, it's going to be a while. Cause they got to do all the bullshit. I go, the funeral. He's like, yeah. Well, I like his voice. I'd like to have a guy. He's like Kurt Russell, my brother. He's super tough. He's cool. But he's very like, uh, a little rougher on the edges. Has anyone seen my dilly bar? Uh,

All right, go ahead. You learned something new on that one, Danny. You learned something. I saw the Poseidon adventure. I'm not going to sign up a 10,000 stinky alcoholics on a plane with rogue waves coming. You know, I mean, and not my, not my idea of a great time. You've never done a cruise ship though, right? Cause a lot of people, I want to be able to get off. I don't want to be, you know, no, I'd be on a little, I'd be on our manager's Gervitz's little sailboat in the Caribbean.

Yeah. You want to come with me? We're going to stop at the Bahamas. I have a boat just like yours, except mine's expensive. We zigzag through the islands. It's really fun. Eddie Vedder might come. Ha ha ha.

He's fully bettered. Have you been bettered? I said that last trip. It's my one joke. All right. What do we got here? This is a story about, I don't know if we can play this, but just a story is this woman is cute. She's on Instagram. And.

And a lot of guys obviously like her. So post a couple of thirst traps. And then what happens was the, I don't know if this is good or bad is I'm going to get your opinion. She gets mean comments. Okay. Play ultimate revenge on her haters. But the method has people divided. Roxy styles has been getting a lot of mean comments. Many of which are from women. She doesn't know. She got tired of the hate and decided to get back at them in a very unique way.

Is that nuts? Oh, I can't see any posts! Wow.

But you do have your hubby tagged. Many of those men spoke to her in ways their wife probably wouldn't approve of, to say the least, and she then shared screenshots of those conversations with the wife who was making the mean comments originally. Ladies, I don't want you to be a mean man. But if you're mean to me... Isn't that crazy? She's a charmer. I mean, she's a charming...

you know old-fashioned it's on the husband it's just the idea that they would collapse in a second because of a 36d to be hey honey you know what are you gonna do bust my balls for what can i do she came at me with those twins and i like you know i'm like a little kid do it's national nipple week touch grab screen i don't want to but i got i

Honey, look, even you can't stop. The wife gets in on it. I know I'm not even bi, but I gotta get him too. Is this the girl? No, honey, you fell for it. God, how crazy. She shakes her booty and the guy's like, and then she goes, hey, your husband is into me. After one text. Hey, are you married? Not really.

Want to hang out sometime? 100%. I would just say, FYI, I don't know. It's a low IQ individual that's attracted to

A woman who's that obvious, I don't like it. It's like, you know. I like it a little played down. But if she's listening to this, you know, Godspeed, I wish you all the best, you know. Yeah, I wish you the best. Capiche, rubber chicken, you know what I mean? Listen to me. You do what you do, I do what I do. Rubber chicken, capiche? What is rubber chicken? A friend of mine used to say that all the time. It was just his phrase was, you do what you do, I do what I do. Rubber chicken, capiche?

And he would add no when he'd eat pasta and he liked it. He would add no at the end. He'd be eating the pasta. He'd go, this good pasta, no? Oh, yeah, I've heard that. Yeah, this good pasta, no? Okay, this is one we can talk over. I just found it. It's Brad Pitt, Penelope Cruz in a commercial for Chanel. Both perfect-looking humans. It's really well done, but we can talk over it. There they are. Well lit. I like him. Yeah, stay.

Brad Pitt and Penelope Cruz in We're Beautiful. Yes. Even the waitress is cute. My face is so handsome, birds die. Yeah, even when he squints, he's good looking. Yes. Are they at dinner or are they on the beach? Yes.

Doesn't matter where they are. They're just looking at each other thinking, I'm better looking than you are. What is the ad for? The waitress? Chanel. The purse? Let's take a gorgeous hike with our gorgeous faces. I like that big collar he has. I don't hate it. No, I love Brad Pitt, man. Excuse me. Yes, ma'am. Sorry, do you have any... Oh, it's a punchy ending. Oh, very sexy. That

Brad Pitt. Based on a movie. That's a movie. Oh, it's a very French kind of noir. I mean, Brad Pitt, that's a good plan. I like it. But anyway, the ad agency's like, okay, who are the best-looking faces on planet Earth? Okay, the AI set, Brad Pitt and Penelope Cruz. Beep, boop, beep, bop, beep.

We put them in a commercial. We make a black and white. We got music. And then we count the money when we sell more Chanel. So what was it for? The purse that was sitting between them? I think it's Chanel. This is for Heather to chime in. Is it a perfume, Heather? Or is it the purse? Or is it both?

Oh, the perfume. But these people branch out. You know, they branch out to ancillary markets, rubber chicken, copiche. They might have purses. They might have whatever's. Yeah. I'm telling you the Chanel. First of all, every everybody in my life is like, I need a Chanel purse. There's a Chanel the size of the Beverly Center they just made. And it's packed with gills.

They start at five grand every person. It's ridiculous. I would get that perfume if they could promise me I would look a little more like Brad Pitt or a little more like Penelope Cruz. I don't care. Would you look more like Penelope Cruz or Brad Pitt? You could be a female version of Penelope Cruz. The thing is, is that women, we can ask Heather to chime in. Like they don't want a perfect face.

They want the face to be a little off, you know, because there's the right place. So it's a problem for you because you have like a perfect face. But we'll have to ask Heather and or do you want me to show that thing? I would not say no to perfection. What is that? A tribute to a film that that's what the commercial. Oh, a short film, a tribute to the film, a man and a woman by director Claude Laloche.

But OK, but isn't like Harrison Ford, like women love Harrison Ford, but his nose goes a little crooked. There's like these movie star men that have just a little something slightly off. Yeah, they're they all like they can be a little beat up, I think, have to be good looking. But in a beat up way, I think is the way to go. Brad's not really beat up looking, but he getting older, he just looks cooler and squintier and.

uh whatever he's doing if he's doing anything i want in i don't i don't care yeah well he's still fit he's got a great head of hair and um he was incredible and um once upon a time once upon a time oh yeah what that guy say to you says i'm a goddamn has been don't cry in front of the mexicans

That's a little scene for you. Love them. All right. Oh, I, I was just saw this today. This is dumb. You remember this world war two photo? You might've been here that day. Do you remember? Was it crazy? I've been around a long time. I'll tell you that much. I remember Nixon Kennedy. I remember that campaign. Do the, do the math. All right, here we are. An iconic world war two photo show in a non-consensual kiss.

Was almost banned from display. It didn't last long. Oh, it didn't get banned. When I read it, it was banned, but now it's not. So they pull up to the kiss. Can we pull it up a little bit? Because this is a famous photo. And the truth is, all these guys got back from the war and all the women, everyone was drunk, they said. And guys were getting off and the women were going crazy and they all kissed each other. They found this couple because 30 years later and they wound up getting married. And so...

This whole thing is like a little too crazy. Like, oh, we don't believe in...

you know, nobody wants someone to just go up and kiss people. If you can't find a sexual partner in time square when it's V day, the end of a five-year horrible war. I mean, people were just hooking up. It was the craziest thing. Actually 32 million people's birthdays are on V day, 1945. That's how many pregnancies happened that night in New York city alone. I made that up, but it sounded good for a while. Yeah.

They almost called it J-Day, Jizz Day. But you know, also, Dana, almost, they didn't call it that. We have a squirting jizz and let's see if we can get a trifecta for a testicle implant. Look at Dana in the background walking around the ice cream cone. He's like five years old. What's going on? Did you? Yeah, I had bangs. I had bangs until I was 60. I was cute for a good run there and then this happened.

Okay. God, I had one more thing to say about this and I can't remember. Okay, we'll keep going. Oh, the best joke of the world. Forgot it. This was a big wedding. I read about this. Yes. I just think it's funny because some super rich guy, Ivanka Trump, Indian billionaire. Now, what is the point? They're all rich. You have to get paid. There's no way you're flying to India. Yeah.

To go to a wedding of someone you don't know at all. What's going on? But wait a minute. Rihanna is an incredible singer and dancer. I mean, she's a superstar entertainer. I heard she got six or 6.3 million. So, and maybe they paid for the gas on her jet. I don't know. But Zuckerberg, what is he going to light up the party? Oh, I want to meet Mark Zuckerberg. What about Rihanna? She's okay. But Zuckerberg, he's the moon. Hey, Zuck.

How much did they pay Zuck? By the way, Zuck was caught on video. Of course, everyone's caught on video all day. Not caught, but he was just talking to the guy. And of course, they have literally nothing to say. And so Zuck goes, hey, that's a sweet watch. And he goes, oh, $1 million. And he goes, ooh, like $1 million is like a drop of one penny to him. And he's like, whoa. And so they start oohing and aahing over this watch. He's like, oh, it's a Padgett. Well, I don't even know. Whatever. Whatever.

It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a Pajaringa. It's a Pajaringa. And they're like, oh, and they have to be all interested. Oh, you're paying us to be here. So we have to be like, ooh, ah. And then they said, afterwards, someone goes, oh, Rihanna didn't give it everything. She was sort of lazily going through a performance. But you know, in my, in her defense, she's lazy. That's her thing. You see her at the Superbowl. You're not hiring the Rockettes.

You know what I mean? She's not like, I, uh, hi, hi. She's smoking weed all the time. That's what she is. That's as that's her brand. And it's a corporate date. It's a wedding drunk, but I, I wonder what the billionaire was smoking. They go, okay. So she show, what do you want for your birthday party? Who do you want to invite? He's back. Yeah. Yeah.

Mark Zuckerberg. Why not? And, oh, fuck it. Ivanka.

Well, maybe the guy from Mad Men. He's just literally like looking through the Daily Mail going, that guy, that guy. Yeah, who turned down the gig? Me. I want Jon Hamm. He's like, you don't even know me. Dress like Don Draper and jump around my party. He's like, okay, pay me. I'll do it. She's six million for her. We would have done it for a million each. I did a party for a rich guy. He goes, I'll fly out. It's for my daughter. And, you know, it's literally like,

Hey, is it okay if she shoves her ice cream cone in your face? I'm like, yeah, put it in the deal. That's fine. I don't care. I did one for a guy whose birthday he was 98 and his wife was 60. Their house was like a Scarface Mansion in Vegas. It had literally mermaids in the pool and jugglers and a carnival. And he's like this. And then I went in. Whitney Cummings opened for me. It was the toughest environment ever because they'd see us on YouTube shooting a special. And it was like a...

I mean, it was death. It was like and they're like, they don't understand. It's a pavilion. They can't hear me. They can barely see me. And the weird part of that was that Joe Rogan was there, who I love. And I said, can I get up in front so I can hear and see what Whitney's dealing with in the pavilion?

And I think, oh, yeah, but wear them. Wear a mask so they don't see you. They don't know who you are. So I'm walking up and I've got this mask on. This is when the pandemic was kind of ending. And Joe looks at me and goes, get that mask off your face. And I try to say they told me to wear it so people won't see me. But he thought I was paranoid. This was after that.

The pandemic. But anyway, when then they hire you for the party and you're on a stage like the size of three, three by three and you're over in the corner and there's no microphone and they're all drunk. They go, you weren't as good, were you? That's all your best stuff. You're like, well, no one even heard me. I don't have a microphone.

I once played a corporate gig where I was a hundred feet from the first, the nearest person. And they were, had their backs to me at a cocktail party. I'm not kidding. This was like, I was getting paid a lot of money. I was like, so anyway, and they were just backs, backs a hundred feet away talking amongst themselves. Couldn't give a care. Yeah. Is it my fault? All right. Next one. I just thought, cause you're into basketball. Is this Caitlin Clark? It's a big deal. She broke the record.

But should it be compared with a men's record? I don't know. Are all the records compared with men and women? I don't know. Well, the best basketball game I saw last year was the NCAA championship for women. So the way women play basketball now, I don't know when you would compare it to. They're really athletic. They're very strong. And she's just got an amazing talent, kind of like a- She can drain threes all day, right?

Yeah, she's kind of like Steph Curry in drag or something. She has a real gift. So I would count it as the greatest thing ever. She's got tall people checking her, double teaming her. I mean, every team tries to stop her. It's just, again, it's teams. Oh, look who was there. Stupid Theo.

Our buddy Theo went to that game. Look at him. Hey, man. Hey, Caitlin. You know, there was this one time that I had a basketball stuck in my ribs and I had to go to a vet because the only doctor was actually a spaceman.

I knew a woman in the neighborhood, she like accidentally, she like swallowed a basketball. Everyone thought she was pregnant. Her mother took her to the hospital. They just said, she's not having a baby. She's throwing up a basketball. Yeah, I knew a pregnant girl in fifth grade. She went to my school. Everybody knew it though. This year, Dell Technologies' back-to-school event is delivering impressive tech with an inspiring purpose.

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Yeah, because it's such a nice ring. It's an unmarked thing, but then it says Blue Nile somewhere. Yeah. She goes, oh, you couldn't have. You wouldn't have spent that much. Oh, this has got to be a trick. This is too nice. Yeah, no. Right now, get 30% off. Select Lab Grown Diamonds on BlueNile.com. Plus, use code FLY, very important, to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more. What is it?

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All at your fingertips. Holmes.com. We've done your homework. Okay, what's this? Jeff Foxworthy. Oh, here's Jeff Foxworthy cleaning his house. We're on to impressions. Okay, this is Mike James' impression. So far, so good.

If you've ever used a leaf blower to clean the inside of your house, you might be arrested. It's horrible. Now, here, if you... Yeah. No, I like... Okay. I used to do Jeff Foxworthy on SNL, so I really should recuse myself from this. Can we hear a little bit of it for just a second? Yeah.

If you, if people see you and run, you could be the AIDS virus. If you have, no, I think I had a bit about that. We had to change it to Ebola. So it was like, it was like, if you actually, let's skip this whole bit. I was going to go back to the one about the kissing on D-Day. Cause you said something reminded me of an old Dennis Miller joke where he goes,

You know, folks, they're going to cure AIDS one day. And let me tell you something. If you don't get laid that day, guys, you better give it up. It ain't getting any easier. Yeah. All right, go ahead. That was from his act, folks. Don't blame me. That was from Dennis' act. Yeah, that's a funny one. Okay, here's another impression. I'm going to guess the impression. Okay. Okay, this is Jeff Bridges. This is Paul Magby. Paul Magby is doing what, Dana? Guess. Guess.

Jeff Bridges. Here we go. Okay, here we go. Jabba the Hutt? Yeah.

Jar Jar Binks. Jar Jar Binks. No, he's more like... I think he was faster, right? Oh, okay. Sorry. Who is that? Jabba the Hutt. Okay, okay. Who's this? Here we go. It's Steve Kennedy. Okay, here we go. Okay. Doing... Hey guys, Steve here. Today we got a little Clint Eastwood and Droopy Dog. Hypothetical situation, huh? Droopy Dog over there says for $5 he'll put on an exhibition with a Shetland Pony.

Anybody know what law has been broken here? Besides cruelty to animals? You know what? You've got some big balls, Clint. Because of that, bud, I'm going to piss all over your front lawn. Okay. Well, that was good. It was funny. You know, Droopy Dog and Clint Eastwood, a nice mashup. I thought that Clint was, you know, nicely done, recognizable.

And the droopy dog, you could probably go a little harder at it, maybe. How fucking, no offense. How old is droopy dog? It was probably around in the 1940s. That's what I'm saying. It was sort of a Truman Capote, almost. Well, I don't know what you want to do with me, but I'm droopy dog. I haven't seen it in 50 years, so I can't swear, but I could do Felix the Cat for you. Ha ha! Rightio!

Is that him? No, that was just my Tucker Carlson laugh. Okay, should we do another impression? Or Dana, do you have one you worked on or not? I could do one. Oh, let's do a couple of redneckies. All right, let me read this. I'm Red Redneckie, the redneck comedian. I met my future wife next to a gas pump. She said, you look like a premium type dude. I said, this dick is Diesel Baby, come on, get his home.

Start out good. A little too wordy. We'll work on that one. Yeah, yeah.

I'm red, redneck. That was Kenneth Bernhardt. Thank you for putting that in. Caught a few words. He's like, don't say my name after you shit on it. Well, it's just a little too many words. I agree. I'm red, redneck. The redneck comedian. My mama came home wearing only one shoe. And I said, hey, mama, you lost a shoe. And she said, nope, found one. Come and get some. Oh, OK. So she went out barefoot. That's not bad. That's not bad. That's a bit of a thinker.

Yeah, Rob Willoughby from Melbourne. Down under. Down under. Put a shrimp on the. Mabin. Shrimp on the barbie. Barbie. Barbie. Barbie. Here's another one from Natalie. I'm red, rednecky, the redneck comedian. I asked mama why she was vacuuming naked. She said because she had finished the sweeping. Come and gaze home. Okay, it was a little bit of a. She was naked the whole time. Bit of a twist. Pretty good joke. Okay. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay, last one from Warren.

Warren, our business manager. Yeah. I'm Red Rednecky, the redneck comedian. I brought a woman back to my place. She asked if I had protection. I told her I'm covered by Allstate. Come on, get some. Okay. I'm not laughing out loud, but I'm saying they're good. We're used to jokes in comedy, but I say, okay, there's something there.

Thanks for sending them in is the main thing. All right. Do you have any, any ones you want to, do you have any Putin? Do you have anything good for us? This is, um, I like when Biden, when they put him, uh, he's got, he's had a long day and he gets really tired and, uh, and he kind of spaces out and then he itches his nose.

So the weird part about me doing Joe Biden, I'm Irish. My eyes are close together. So I kind of and I'm not that much younger than him. So I like it. So I'll do it with him. Tired Joe itches nose in slow motion. Yeah, because that's the thing about people. And there's some people said, well, they don't like that. So dumb.

What was he looking into the sun after? Well, I just thought in the end he would look like E.T. Where's the mothership? Pick me up. My work is done here. Slow motion Biden. Gotta laugh. Listen, we laugh. Okay. I've seen him do it. I mean, it's not made up. Now, lately, Putin has been really, really rassabling. Rassabling.

rattling his saber at dyslexia for a moment. And he talks so casually about launching nukes, it's kind of funny. I have a lot of nukes. I will launch them. Your nukes are like little girls. They're soft and cuddly. Shangilis would call your nukes gay.

I like you hear a real name in there. Like when you hear Japanese people talking, they go, no, no, no, tater tots. My nukes are big and strong and fast. They will destroy you. They will make you explode. Should I launch? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

I gotta get this more organized. No, it's good. If I launch my nukes, America will sound like this. That's the second one. And then you cut to Biden. Holy shisky.

I can't believe this guy tried to launch nukes. This guy's got nukes? Oh, there's the nukes. Yeah. That's a good closing. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade. Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment. Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey. Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.