SUPERFLY #27 - Drama and Medals!
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah, I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's because they're naked. Well, it's like the 1800 time you say on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there. I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it. Toyota's national sales event is happening now, meaning it's a great time for a great deal on a dependable Toyota truck.

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Not great. She's like, "Oh, it's just a little bacterium and poopo matter." So she goes, "I'll dive in." Oh my God. She goes in, someone else goes in. And? And it was like swamp thing. She comes out. But she's like this. It's so magnifique in there. It burns my face. It burns. Get me out of here. It burns my face. I was going to talk to you about the beginning where you're on TikTok now, which is a big development.

And yes, the thing about it is, you know, it's good for these clips and stuff. And then I and then someone went on my TikTok to people over 30 on TikTok. This is embarrassing. And they were like,

Dana Carvey wants you to join him. And I'm like, okay. And then I look and it's a fake. Oh, thank go. Yep. These sneaky rats, these rat mofos. They go. Cause I have a bunch of fake ones and yours is like Dana Carvey.

You know, they just change it a little bit to make, to throw you off the scent for the real Dana Carvey or it's Dana Carvey, official Dana Carvey. Do you have a check or anything? Do you have anything that says? I think they're looking into that for you so they can say you're the official bland blarney. But what about, wait, okay, so I have fake ones in it, but I've been on it longer than you. And so on Instagram, it's like the official David Spade, but official has three L's. I mean, people should figure that out.

But they don't. And there's no check mark. I just joined it because I wanted to be with the in crowd. All the kids are talking about it. It's like, TikTok, TikTok. That's all they say. Yeah, hey, look at this. Here's my dog. They have TikTok hair where it's puffy on top. It's like straight. Then it's like Jiffy Pop curls, like a...

They got a perm and they all have it. Like every person under 17 has it and they wear pajamas. That's it. That's all I have to say. I'm just trying to aggregate at this point of my career. I want to get the under 10 crowd. I want to get the eight, nines and tens. I mean, they would like Garth. They would like Church Lady. So I go, what the fuck? My audience of my movies is geared toward

four to six-year-olds. So we do a separate writing pass. We go through it, we go, "This feels like it's for an eight-year-old. We gotta go a little simpler." But on my-- My number one comment was from a toddler. Just wanted to fit that in. -What'd he say? -Two and a half. "Me like fun fun."

Oh, that was on YouTube. That's right. Crayon all over his face. A really cute kid. Me like fun, fun. That's kind of like my number one fan right now on TikTok. That got a lot of likes, that comment. Yeah. Mine is Instagram DMs where people are like, listen, is this really you? Because I've been getting, first of all, they know that this one's really me, but they go, I've been getting a David Spade I've been talking to for a few months.

What's wrong with you? And it's like David Spade with five Ds. And they're like, and it's like, and they send me a screenshot. Is this you? Because we've been talking for a long time. And the first one's like, hello, fan. I'm David Spade from movies fan. Would you like to be fan friend? I like you send money fan. And they're like, I sent some money. I feel dumb. Is it not you? I'm like,

Where does it seem like it's me if you know how I talk? - If I get that, I start writing checks right away. I press, bam, you know, 'cause, but David, look, newsflash, all right? - Yeah. - You've been hacked by an AI.

Only an AI would spell spade with three Ds. Come on, man. People fall for it though. Come on, man. And then people send them money. The last one I got was, hey, can you pay off my mortgage? It's probably a hassle, but here's all my banking information. And so it's like 180 grand bubble. Just if it could be by tonight, would be great. Tomorrow's fine too. I don't love it, but it's tomorrow by noon. And then if I don't pay, then the next day they're like,

Actually, that one went away and then a month later, "Hey, we're just gonna build an extra room now. So it's only like seven grand. So here's all the banking information." I mean, why are you giving me all your banking information? - Well, that's the thing. - It's like a done deal. It's like, "Oh, I'm scrambling. Let me get a pen."

- I feel I've got spider sense 'cause email, it's there, email after email. And then there's one, pay now and avoid jail time. And I'm like, if I click on that, then they can deep dive and know where I live and what color underwear I'm wearing. So I skip it, but you're like a clicker. - Underpants, underpants. - You're more, my under panties. - These people are real people 'cause they give me a whole long diatribe of their story and they go, you could help me, you're Joe Dirt, you understand.

- Hey Heather, you crank the AC down to 77. - It's so hot it is. - Yeah, 77 is cold in this scenario. - I've got meat locker temperatures. - What are you, 62? What are you, 62? - 67, 68. - Goddamn. - Oh man. - Psycho. - Ooh. - If you, listen. - Sorry, David. - This breaks up many marriages. I have a friend, he wants it at 60 full time and his wife wants it at 78. And how do you live

How, if you're the other person, how do you live? Because you hate one way. More than half of married couples at,

have a sleep divorce. - - Either a guy-- - Sleep-based? - Yeah, he's got chronic diarrhea. He's sweating, coughing, barking, and snoring. She's in there. She's not sleep-- She's sleeping 30, 40 minutes a night, just as a war zone. And then they go, "Why don't I go in the bedroom 10 feet away and then just have it any temperature I want and sleep?" If my wife hears this sound-- Okay, listen very carefully. If she hears this sound,

bolts up awake. What was the sound? Well, do you have a machine? Do you have a noise machine? Be like, just that tiniest sound. Tiniest sound. So who's there? Who's there? Yeah. Like this. No,

Nobody. I stand up. I don't know. Sleep is an important thing, David. That's my message to you and to all of our fans. This would be a perfect place for a mattress commercial we don't have. Ah! Speaking of pooping, if we're going to talk about the Olympics, we should start. That's the big story. We should start with Poop River that Heather has brought up for months now, but...

Poop River is one. Now more people know about it because first came to shove. The Seine River down the center of Paris. The Seine. I don't like the way they spell it. It's insane right now. Good night. Seine. Just spell it. It is Seine. S-E-I-N. Everyone's fine. All right. But we have to add letters. What's your hot take on this Poopy River? My hot take is... You know what it is? It's a couple things, Dana. First of all, I guess...

It's got-- I don't like when I'm about to do one of my Olympic events and I hear the word "fecal matter." -I don't-- - Yeah. I don't like bacterium. Like, they go, "Okay, everyone, it's perfectly healthy. Most of you will probably live. It's just-- It's a little poop heavy, right?" And the problem was people started pooping it on purpose before the Olympics because they were mad about what? Because they thought they spent too much money

on cleaning the river and not cleaning the city. - I love the French culture. - It's so awesome. - You think of wine and roses, the Eiffel Tower, but yeah, people defecating in a river is also part of the Parisian mix. - Right, and they said, they were getting on chat rooms going, "They're gonna check it a week before the Olympics, "and the mayor's going down there, "so let's all poop in it." And they all coordinated, no joke, peeing and pooping in the river to make sure-- - No joke. - No joke. To make sure that it would not pass.

They're trying to F up their own Olympics. So anyway, the poor mayor's like, oh, the river is fine. And they test it. The guy testing it looks at her and goes, not great. She's like, oh, it's just a little bacterium and poople matter. So she goes, I'll dive in. Oh, my God. She goes in. Someone else goes in. And it was like swamp thing. She comes out. Rawr!

But she's like this. It's so magnifique in there. It burns my face. It burns. Get me out of here. It burns my face. You got turpentine river. Yeah, so she gets out like this. All good. Direct. She's like, yeah, I wouldn't swish it around in your mouth. I did that as a mistake. But just to swim.

They had the triathletes in there. They went in there. I don't know if they swam. I think they just went in because this is the... They got it kind of clean. And then the triathletes said, kind of looked down. They saw, what was the water like? Go, didn't taste so good. That's all I said. Is that what he said? Yeah, it didn't taste so good. He said, I see it. That better be a baby Ruth floating down by my block.

Well, technically, you know, just biologically, if you're going to do freestyle swim in a river, you're going to, you're going to on, on average, swallow a liter of water. And so in that liter of water is all the things that you can possibly imagine. They go, just enough poop that you can still live. Oh yeah. The guy said, I gulped it. Um, that was one of the guys testing it and he goes, it's all good. I gulped a little bit. I wouldn't recommend gulping. Yeah.

It was too much. But also, you know, because they pushed it back a couple of days to give a little more time to clear out.

And then they really did it. And you know, there's someone on the side going, we got a code brown. And I'm like, one of the swimmers going, I think I know what that means. I think I can figure that one out. Code brown, ramjet, ramjet. I know. You got 10 scientists with big beakers on the shore going, eh, not nice. Still not good. Not good, yeah. Look at that bacteria. They're all like on the blocks going, I don't speak French, but when they're like this, I, uh.

You go, that's not good. Also, lastly, you can tell because even though it's French, you can tell it has English roots. How is the river? Is it a typical to say poopy? I see people go figure out. I see people go.

- Yeah, what's that skunk's name? The French skunk? - Pepe Le Pew. - Pepe Le Pew. - He wouldn't get it. - Yeah. He wouldn't go near that. - No, but how about you're a triathlete? They go, "It might be tomorrow." So the next day you carve up on eight plates of spaghetti and they go, "Not today." You're like, "Oh, we're not doing it? Okay, so I'm not running 26 miles. So we'll do it tomorrow." So now you're walking around the leg going, "Ooh, I gotta walk this off." Then they go, "Okay, now we're doing it."

Scramble, scramble. We're going to do the French version where you just get in a cold tub and splash for a few minutes. Then you're on a unicycle for about a quarter of a mile. And then you just walk up these stairs for two minutes. And that's the mini French triathlon. I could do that. Yeah, that was the alternative. I did one where it was a paddle boat. Just go across a lake. And then I think that's it.

That was it? I did one, you hop on your left foot two times, slap yourself in the face once, and then stare at the sun for one second. The new Olympics for kids are you DM three people, try to get three DMs answered,

And then you make a TikTok. I wasn't on TikTok. They told me the Chinese government was going to study me. So that's all. All right. Other things. Keep it moving. Yeah. Other things in the Olympics, though. Any other Olympic stories? Well, it just occurred to me they do the freestyle. They do the backstroke. You got to do the backstroke. Sure.

And then they have the freestyle. They have the butterfly. They have the freestyle. Sounds like freestyle means whatever you want. They all seem to do this, but what if someone came up with something that was better than freestyle? Like, he's got a new stroke. We don't know what it is. I mean, there's no rules that they have to do the Tarzan freestyle. It's just free. So what if someone came up with a better way of swimming? That's my question. I think they would have done it by now, but I'm all for it.

By the way, Simone Biles is doing awesome, which I'm happy about. Yeah, she's killing it. As of the timing of this podcast, she won another gold prize.

in the floor exercise, which she has so much power. The thing that's interesting is that she's standing there in the corner and then she gets a ton of speed up. She goes apparently 20 feet in the air and does 10 somersaults and lands it. But then, because of the rules of the floor exercise, she stands there and does stuff that we could do for about 30 seconds. Just this. It's filler. And then she's somersaulting nine times and then back to it.

You know what? I actually agree with you because I saw the balance beam. They do a flip really hard, then they go...

And then they just flap their arms around. And I go, I can do that middle part. They must love the flapping arms part because I landed that. No, I'm just going to. So that was my hot take on that. What about that guy that walks around with a full boner all the time in his Speedo? I'm like, all right, guy. And he kind of leans back on what? I know. He's got a mini loaf of bread in his Speedo. Yeah. At some point. Baguette. And it's like a drag on the pool. He's got that.

If he wins with that thing in his pants, I mean, there's a drag coefficient to that. That is true. It's a very scientific... By the way, if I look like that in a Speedo, I would join swimming. If I was walking with a space shuttle like this guy, he's standing there leaning back, pushing it out, going, whoa, whoa, what are you looking at? I'm like, I would join swimming, only so I could wear almost nothing so everyone could check out my wang all the whole time. His nickname is...

Space needle. I don't know. I mean... All the live long day. All the gigantic statues. Yes. And no offense. I think he was slapping it around trying to get a partial. You know what I mean? Because...

he's not walking around that chubbed up, you know? He has to look at three pages of porn, maybe one thing on his phone. Yeah, 400 years ago, and like the guys go down with their swords and fight the other villagers with swords. He's the first guy going down with that kind of action up front. Oh, yeah, he's got a lot up front. That's a big target. Too many cc's of plasma down there for my taste. Just give us your regular reader. You know Rosetta Stone, the most trusted language learning program?

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It immerses you in many ways. There's no English translations. You know what I'm saying? I know no English. You need a Rosetta Stone for English. No English translation, so you really learn to speak and listen and think in that language. That's the whole idea of Rosetta Stone is that it sticks to your head. It sticks to your brain. I learned German out of a book. It just doesn't stick as hard, so this is the way to do it. Gesundheit.

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Investing involves risk, including risk of loss. Sell order assessment fee not included. A limited number of ETFs are subject to a transaction-based service fee of $100. See full list at fidelity.com slash commissions. Fidelity Brokerage Services, LLC. Member NYSE SIPC. Let me do a quick thing about the opening ceremonies. Oh, no. Yeah, let's go. Because the opening ceremonies.

When everyone's... And it was raining. And it was kind of long, to be honest. Four hours? Yeah. And they're sitting there in the pouring rain. The problem is a lot of them had events the next day. I'd be like, guys, I've got a huge day tomorrow. I think I might...

I'm like, because I actually row at 4 a.m., so I'm going to punch out of the last six and a half hours tonight, and I'm just going to try to get some... I'm standing on a boat in the freezing rain. Yeah, and they're like, I have to get up and...

Four and a half hours. I actually have all my events tomorrow, guys. I don't want to be a party pooper, but I'm going to fucking bounce. I'm running the marathon in 27 minutes, and I've been standing on a freezing boat for seven hours. Do you think I could maybe do a quick exit? Guys, I have to dive in a poop river in about 22 minutes. All right, that's it. Now we'll go to Biden. Oh, wait, you want to talk about the boxing? Oh, yeah, the boxing. Well...

There's been a controversy that a trans athlete, whether he's a trans athlete, is she or he, I don't know. Here it is. Boxer who had gender test issues wins first Olympic fight. It's very vague.

So when you're watching the fight just as not thinking, you're kind of seeing, seems like a dude, really strong, hit a smaller woman, not near as strong in the face twice, and then she drops to her knees and starts crying. So it's like, I don't know what. Right, I don't know what to do about this. The boxer said enough. Oh my God. Yeah, because her nose is too tweaked.

You know, apparently maybe he has two X chromosomes or he's born with both lady and man. I don't know. I don't want to go into the biology of it, but...

It just doesn't look right. And then it's a little gaslighting when the commissioner of the Olympic swimming just goes, he goes, no, this is not a transgender issue. Right. This has nothing to do with that. Well, everyone's trying to dance around and not get in trouble. And of course, no one wants to get in trouble, but you have to just think of a safety issue at some point. You know, what's... Put that picture back up because I want to do... That's the boxer, right? Yeah, I just want to see what...

- We put it back up for a second? - Just in the next 10 minutes. - This is Steven Tyler watching this.

- You look like a lady! Or lady look like a dude. All right, that was a long way to go for that. - Yeah, that was good, that's all right. - But basically it's not a transgender issue, but she seems to have the strength. She says, "I'll beat them all." That was her quote, "I'll beat them all." And I thought she meant she would take them all on. That would make it fair if it was the 20 women against this,

person it always comes up like this someone from china or somewhere might be doping but it's all sort of it's happening so fast so blurry so they you don't really know remember the figure skater they thought was they got a medal anyway and they thought they were cheating that's our they listen remember when they had um canada was sent the drone over the other team what was that oh yeah and they and they got

deducted. I don't know what happened. Well, Russia, they had all the lab samples. This is a few years back, maybe for one Olympics back lab samples inside this, this room completely guarded and shield. And then they did a mission impossible drew, drew holes in the ceiling. They had people crawling around. They went down with incredible equipment. Yeah. Pick them up, put clean samples in them and put them back.

So that's like, I would give all those, the Russians, all the gold medals just based on doing a Tom Cruise. Right. You know. Just show that. That's more fun to watch. But you could tell that even they were, the Russians were singing the Mission Impossible theme the next day and they couldn't get it away. That's pretty good. Clean samples. Clean samples. Drugs away. Okay, here, Eric, keep going. Okay, this is a...

South Korea sent a fully kitted out player. So we're looking at a shooting event, which I don't really know about. It's like a daisy air rifle or something. I used to have a BB gun or a pellet gun. I had both. Turkey sent a guy with no lenses. Oh, this guy walks like he just came from the Grove. He's in a t-shirt and no eye protection. He's just like gunning it down. He's got his hand in his back pocket. I mean, that's so relaxed. I guess that's what you're supposed to do.

So either it's not that hard or it is really hard and he's really good, but I think he got silver.

which is an incredible achievement. Here's my hot take on that. This whole thing is about nerves. A lot of this sports is just about nerves. So the way he just had a t-shirt on, walked up, what's up? Yeah, I'm cool. And boom. Because then if you're there like, I got to do this or all my family's watching. Yeah, and you're putting on all your microscope things and your stuff and your padding and that's trickier. Oh, wait. Yep.

Oh, that's somebody who's really dialed in. -That looks like Tron. -Wow. What is-- Is that his normal-- What is that? Is that a gun or what? That's his Daisy air rifle and, uh, I think... I think that shoots the target for you. Like, right now, he's-- Right now, this is his Olympic gold medal shot right there. He's not even looking at the target. -He just-- He just said, "Fire." - Bye, bullseyes.

Yeah. That's the Olympic champion in action. You know what that thing is on the top right? Looks like a price tag. That's so you don't have to go through the work of shutting one eye when you lean over like that. That does it for you. You just can't see. I think that's really what that's for.

- All right, enough of these corny Olympics. Let's get to Joe Biden. - Well, it's nothing revolutionary. I just kind of, as a human story, not a political story. It's such a turn of all the stuff that went down. And clearly he was, he's a stubborn, tough Irishman. And I'm gonna stay. - Fighting it all the way. - I'll stay at the convention. And then he has a change of heart, he goes,

So now Kamala, which is great, she's having her moment in politics. So people are losing it over her. And she's, you know, you're being compared to Joe Biden of a month ago. Yeah, that sounds a bit of a lot. So she's having her moment. So I just wonder, and it happens to anybody, if a Kamala super fan

was at an event and just started telling Joe Biden how great she was. You know, it's like Toy Story or something. Oh, my God, Joe, have you seen her? Oh, my God, she's so awesome. Her ratings are bigger than ever. I mean, she's winning every state. And it's just so great, right, Joe? He's like, yeah, this is great. Which one's her again? Can't believe it's not about her. I got in there on that one. I can't believe it.

I couldn't shut up. Oh, no. Take two. It's fun to be this character. Oh, my God, Mr. President. I'm sorry, but Kamala, can you believe it? She's so good. She's so smart. She's so pretty. The ratings are through the roof. She's got every swing state. She's got everything. I just can't believe we have her. Aren't you happy? Yeah. I was happy. I was happy for Scarlet Bugs. Can't believe it's not butter.

There we go. Anyway, but there is some organic human truth in that.

uh whatever their politics are they're saying because they're the the next new shiny object there's a new kid in town and he was just there and now i mean it's honestly like someone getting a new boyfriend they're like going crazy it's like give it a second it's embarrassing to go instagram official like now suddenly biden's sitting there eating his cold gazpacho going is he even president like we're not going to hear hide nor hair of him now

And he's still the president of the United States. You kind of forget, you know, because she's not even the nominee yet. But I think the Democrats are just happy because it looked really bad for them. And now they know they've got more than a fighter's chance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It did change gears very quickly. And I just don't like, they had something called like

white men for Kamala, white-- or black women for Kamala. Like, I don't-- I personally don't love that when the race is involved so much. You know what I mean? White dudes for Harris. - Why-- - Now, why does it have to be-- Just say people that are-- Because when race gets into it, it just feels divisive, like...

I don't even know if they should bring up a race at all. She's a great candidate, and there's Trump. That's a candidate. So let's talk about issues in that. It never fails to go back to race and this, and then everyone steps in it, and everyone says the wrong thing. It's just very... Why would you say white men? It's just... It feels condescending. It feels like the 90s are calling or something. I mean, you know, we had...

a black president named barack obama superstar the most popular ex-president in the world right now

And I don't know. I feel like it's kind of rude because after a while, like they say, oh, when I used to do the sitcom, they go, we have this director that. But at a certain point, everyone drops saying, OK, we have a black director this week, maybe a female director. It's like we have a director. And I think it's condescending to keep bringing up race because it's like, can you believe that?

They got this far. You go, that sounds so rude. You say, hey, they're great. They did a great job. People I admire. I think that might have been slightly tongue in cheek. I'm not sure what the joke was because Jeff Bridges and Mark Hamill and people were doing it. And Jeff Bridges, who I adore, you know, they asked him about it. And he's just like, well, you know, I just figured it'd be kind of a, you know, sort of a joke thing. You know, people took it seriously. But hold on a second. Yeah.

I need a, could I get a hoagie? Yeah. Where, where is he filming this in a saloon? Yeah.

Well, no, the guy is one of the greatest living actors. He's a fucking stud. But he does true grit the makeover, and he does it brilliantly. He's the first time Jeff Bridges became full cowboy, and he sort of always sounded like he just had too much to eat and kind of right down here. And then he does the press junket, and they go, Mr. Bridges, how did you find playing the cowboy? And he kept the persona. Well, I enjoyed making the movie very much.

So I'm happy to do another one. And then from then on, you know, and that's what I said, you're either a cowboy or a pirate. He was a cowboy. Yeah, he's a studly. Yeah, he's a stud, dude. They had Pete Booty Judge on there, too. They had a lot of people. Yeah, and Mark Hamill. But what is the theme? They just talk about Kamala, right? That she's great. But it's not a white thing. I mean, just picture if Trump had a white...

we're going to have a big white zoom call of all white people be like, that doesn't hit the ear. Right. It should never hits the ear. Gotcha. I gotcha. We want America, you know, I'm going on a limb to come together, not be so divisive. That's our dream. That's our dream. We all started singing pretty soon. I don't know.

If I could dream, all right, what's the next dumb thing we're talking about? I'm running out of winners. No, there's something coming up. We'll throw it up here. What do we got? Any funny videos? Okay. The amount of money. Oh, I thought you'd think this is interesting. The amount of money Olympic athletes earn by winning a medal based on their country. Okay.

What's the first one? France, a gold gets you 71. This is for the actual athlete, right? Yeah. And 71, I thought it'd all be the same. I didn't know you get money. Did you, Heather? You don't know.

Well, for years it was amateur athletes and then the rules have been changed, but I didn't know they're getting actual payment. Yeah, that's like an incentive from the country. Okay, that sounds good. Let's say 71 for gold, 16 for bronze. Now let's go to Cameroon. No, let's see what's next. Singapore. 700,000. Wow. For a goalie. 737,000? Yeah.

Is that USD? Good question. Or is that in mock nightclicks?

which is our currency, Muck Lake Picks. - I've got some USD in my pants. Anyway, Spain. Spain is 100 grand, fine, I'll accept it. - Anything in your pants is funny at the end. - USA. - How you doing in your pants? Wow, USA is cheap. - By the way, where's all that Ukraine money going? It's not going to the fucking medals payoffs. - Geez, I'm surprised they're doing as well as we are. - That's 'cause we're out.

37 grand for gold? Get fucked. Oh, Italy. Okay. I won back. 197,000. You're lying. You're lying. Like a golden man. Pepper boy. Germany, once we all pay you tiny little bits of money. Is that worse? That's worse than you? That's the worst one, Heather? Yeah. Okay. 21 grand for gold and a roll of quarters for bronze. Taiwan? Taiwan?

They should be spending that on arms defense against the eventual Chinese invasion. Is this yen? Is this really a good use of your yen? Because you may have an invasion, so you might want to invest in some kind of submarine. Oh, by the way, Norway is getting... Hey, Johnny. Norway is getting rat fucked. Wait a minute. I'm half Norwegian. What the fuck? Half cheapskate. You get no money, you do it for the country. No wonder I always buy it coy.

By the way, the best distance runner in the world is Norwegian, Ingebrigtsen. He's a machine. - Oh, bless you. - Yeah. Ingebrigtsen, in my pants. Doesn't even make sense. - No, I went for the camera. Okay, wait. Okay, next one. I thought I had a running joke. This is, they're checking for injuries, getting medical attention, ready?

Okay, that's your right ball. Am I grabbing your right nut? Yeah, but it's actually my shoulder that hurts. What country is that guy from? I want to know how much he might get paid to have someone groping him. Dude, who's getting a hand job during the timeouts? I mean, she's literally like

Don't grab the nards that hard. You see what she's doing? Well, he looked like he was injured and she had her hand down there. And apparently there is a shot. I don't know if we have it of them having cocktails later at the end of the Olympic. What happened to cocktails before? Well, I don't know what event he was in, but whatever it was, it involves some. There's a rumor that guy is Mormon. So I think it's the next step is soaking. I don't know if she goes, should we go soak in the.

Cold blend and warm it up. - The show just got sexy. - Yeah. She should pull like the swimmer outside and grab his monster ding dong. Go ahead. Okay, here's our, oh, this is too bad. I don't know if this is the Olympics, but basketball joke. This is kind of balls. - Basketball players, here's a friendship was born.

okay we'll watch play out so they're talking should we do it come on bro they're thinking about it going eff it i like is that godfather music pretty close they're gonna take they tell the guy take a picture of us with our jerseys are you sure why is it weird people take pictures with jerseys and they're switching jerseys okay this guy's in it

- Run it up, Blondo. Run it up, Blondo. - Oh, I got it. Okay, okay, okay. - They switched jerseys. - You see what it said, Heather? - Black and white? - Close. - What'd it say? - It said black dick. One guy's last name was Dick. - Oh, I see. - And one guy's last name was Black. So they switched it and you can do the math. Anyway, that was kind of ballsy to do during a game to the cameras and not think you're gonna get in trouble.

Yeah. I don't know if they're from countries that pay very much, but they're not taking the Olympics very seriously. I don't even know if that's the Olympics, to be quite honest. I know our show is a scam, but, you know, I hope they weren't too hard on them. Christ sakes, you got time to swap jerseys for a pithy rejoinder? You don't think you're going to be on the podium anytime soon. You're spending time undressing and dressing when you should be warming up in the pith pit. You know what you're going to be doing?

you're going to be diving in, picking up swim caps. The designated swim cap catcher. That's a clever rejoinder. He's retrieving them. The swimmers are like, why is there so many poops in the actual pool? I think someone made a break for it. We may be setting a record for poop references. We're definitely in the top 10.

Yeah, you look like Troy Donahue. Going back to the 50s. Look at how wavy it is. It looks like I got a solid Flobie commercial going. Yeah, I don't know where you got all that hair, but make sure you put it in the drawer nice and tight. Put it back in the drawer at night? Yeah. Lock it up. Wherever you got it. This side's too high, that corner. I'll fix it.

Not today, not now. Not when I'm going on camera. I'll do it later. - One day the entire show is gonna be about what we do to our hair to look like this. - Okay, what's the next one? - All right, here we go. - Americans be having, I don't like when they talk like this, be having this in their movies

and only eat one grape. That is kind of funny. Like, this is the breakfast table when there is like a sitcom or like a movie and the kid walks out. Honey, we have to talk about the dance. And he's like, bye mom, gotta run, grabs one grape. And she's like, but I made food for 30.

Yeah, it's muffins, it's eggs, it's waffles, it's chicken, it's bacon. It's like 44 croissants, a bowl of fried chicken, 18 orange juice. That's so fun. That is true. That's funny. In movies, they get a little carried away. You know, movie, everybody has their department and the people in charge of dressing up the breakfast table.

always overdo it. And it's up to the director to tamp that down, but the director's too busy. Stuff on his face. By the way, I got caught the other day because I was trying to use my new phrase that I think is funny. And it kind of applied. But I had to meet this dude about a movie and, uh,

and there was no agents or anything. I go, "I'll just meet him by myself." And then I'm like, "God, when am I gonna have--" It's just so hard to meet someone in person by yourself that you don't know and you gotta talk for an hour and have lunch. And I go, "Oh, I raw-dogged it with this dude today." Just nothing. Phone down, no distractions, just no people to help and jump in. And they're like, "You raw-dogged it with a dude today?" And I'm like, "Yeah, let me just-- I'm gonna rephrase. I'm using raw-dog too much."

I just had a meeting by myself. - It's a catch-all. - Yeah, 'cause raw dog means just bare bones. You just go and have a meeting. You don't have the help of anything. But when you say it's with a guy, it sounds dirty. - Even if it's, yeah, two guys meeting in a restaurant. Do you know in the Soviet Union, I was told that people always get a third. If they want to drink vodka, they always, two guys, they always go, "Let's find a third."

Because it looks like a third makes the conversation that much easier, you know? Oh, but the only thing you could do in that situation is ask questions because people like to talk about themselves. I do. I go, what do you think about me? What kind of movie deal have you got for me? And what's about, what am I getting? How much money will you pay me? I said, you talk, I listen. If I get up and leave at any time during this meeting, it's not going well.

it's never a downing downside to get it get up in someone's grill a little bit in that situation and go what you gonna do magic man what you got i do good in meetings that are important i go you got 10 seconds go and they go what and i go nine eight and they're like here's a million dollars do you ever do you ever start with hey you know who i am man do you know who i am they go i hope so i'm

I'm fucking Joe Dirt. That's who you're having lunch with. Joe fucking Dirt. Oh, yeah. Joe Dirtay. Did you ever see The World Wrong Missy? The World Wrong Missy. Danny, you're going to get this right one time. Well, I know it's The Wrong Missy, but I call it The World Missy for about 28 episodes. I call it The World Missy. You know, Bobby Lee brought me up last night at the improv.

And he brought up that he starred in The Wrong Missy with me with one line at the desk. And he did. And we always make fun of it. Because he had one line. And he kept screwing it up, which was even funnier. Anyway, okay, next subject. I don't even know what this is. We have another video. It's called Friend Test. Oh, let's see what this Friend Test is. I don't even know what this is.

It's actually a test to find out if your friends actually like you. Oh, I don't want to do this. So recently, psychologists did a study and they found that on average, 50% of your friends actually hate you and they don't like you at all. But there's a test to find out which of your friends hate you. So what you have to do is text any of your friends three words, friends, friends, friends. And what this will do is when they receive it, it'll leave an impression in their mind. And then you send another text to them and ask them, pick a number between one and 10. I pick a number between one and 10. That's so random.

Okay, so depending on the number they send you, they don't even know this is happening. But psychologically, they're actually rating your friendship on a scale of 1 to 10. It's a psychological technique that psychologists use. So if they text you a number below 7, that means they really don't like you. You probably shouldn't be their friend. But if they give you a number closer to 10, that means they really value your friendship. And hypothetically, this is a feeding. Nice try. That guy's voice is a fucking assault.

Yeah, now Dana, I texted you a one yesterday for some reason and just don't take that wrong. - Yeah, I texted you still besties forever and then I immediately regretted the text. I was like, "God, that's so corny." - No, I liked it. - I shouldn't have pressed send. I cried myself to sleep. - I said BFFFF, that means.

I don't know why, yeah. That's weird. Who would you rescue on a desert island? Me or Adam Sandler? Oh, do not make me do this. I don't need a rescue. I hope they get me and not you.

- You can sing when you do that, Sam. - Give me some coconuts, I can make a not so tasty stew. ♪ I want a crab cakes ♪ - No, you didn't rhyme with stew. - Well, but crab cakes. - Wait, you're gonna be if I didn't have crab cakes again. - A crab cakes. - Oh, crab cakes. I have a picture of us, Dana, from you doing Tony Montana on Lights Out. - Do you? - Heather gave me a present and you were one of the pictures. - Is that trending?

It's trending in my room because in my office, a bunch of pictures. Okay. Here we go. Here we go. They're pushing us along. You know, Dana, I think we have a connection. We've been friends for a long time. And for this episode of fly on the wall, we've partnered with eHarmony, which isn't us. eHarmony is a dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. We are not dating. I want to clarify that, but the connection is what you want in a dating partner. Um,

Just someone like, if you found someone that listened to this podcast, that's somewhat of a connection. And then you sort of build on that. You want someone with some common ground. Yeah. It's not, it, look, if you want to connect romantically over, you know, super fly or fly on the wall, uh,

It just makes us happy. You don't want to be watching The Godfather and the person next to you goes, this movie sucks. You want to- So dumb. Yeah. You want to connect on all issues and harmonize in life. Similar sensibility, similar sense of humor, and similar sense of sense. I don't like when they watch The Godfather and they're like, everyone in this movie is so old. I'm like, they're 40.

Watch 2001 Space Odyssey. Too much of this movie is in outer space. I don't like it. When do they land? When do they land? Why is that stupid red light acting so silly? Who's friends with a robot? We know dating isn't easy. That's why we partnered with eHarmony because dating is different on eHarmony. They want you to find someone who gets you, someone you can be comfortable with.

Yeah. I mean, the whole idea is you're going to take a compatibility quiz, helps your personality come out in your profile, which makes all the profiles on eHarmony way more interesting and fun to read. So I think this is the goal of dating sites, and I think eHarmony does it great. It's just finding somebody you're compatible with.

So get started today with a compatibility quiz. So you can find some and you can be yourself with. Get Who Gets You on eHarmony. Sign up today. This year, Dell Technologies' back-to-school event is delivering impressive tech with an inspiring purpose.

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are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up. They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Ooh. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Honey roasted.

Salt, sea salt, vinegar, smoky barbecue, sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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Oh, this is in the podcast. We have Joe Elliott and we should have put, I'm going to rag on the podcast. We didn't put on fly on the wall, Joe Elliott from Def Leppard. So we just have a picture and saying, listen to Joe Elliott this week. But I don't know if everyone knows he's from Def Leppard. No, Def Leppard. Yeah, for sure. So he told a story, if you go over and listen to that, of how I ran into him somewhere. I had worn a Joe Dirt t-shirt and-

No, a Def Lepp t-shirt and Joe Dirt and then blah, blah. And then we talked about that. And then I was with Chris Rock and Kid Rock and Justin Timberlake. Do you remember what bar he said, Heather? You do not. Okay.

And so he said, and then he just hit us up later and said, I think I have a picture from that night. Look at me with a fedora. Why would I even show this picture? It was shot through a fucking shower curtain or a piece of soap. What? It's a blurry mess. It's the worst picture ever taken. It's a Polaroid camera from the 70s. This was shot through a fucking wall. Well, this is probably before iPhones. Before iPhones. Jesus, of course. It was like one of those...

throwaway cameras that's green, you know? This is clearly a CIA photo. -Somehow you guys got on a list. -This is clearly from Unsolved Mysteries. And then they were last seen at a bar together. Spade was wearing his favorite fedora and no one understood why he wore it. Well, it was kind of embarrassing during the podcast when Joe goes, "Yeah, we did meet." And you're like, "Uh,

I know. Why wouldn't I remember that? But I think I do remember meeting him. I just didn't know it was a whole shenanigans of going to a karaoke bar. You had a couple little pops. I had a few knocks. I'm a little bit of a boozy Susie. By the way, just quick insert. Did you see the Secret Service guy, the new leader of the Secret Service being...

you know, interviewed by grilled by Congress. God, I see that he didn't, whatever I saw, he didn't answer much. That's what was so funny. I mean, they're there. It's been three weeks. It's like, they don't have any information and they've got that John Kennedy guy, Senator John Kennedy. Now,

Now, I'd like to understand something. He goes so slow. Just a basic question. Why did you not have Secret Service people on the roof where the shooter was? The guy's like, well, we're going to look into that and we don't.

Really, we're going to we've got we're comprehensively studying. Do you have any idea how stupid you sound right now? Oh, a normal person might think if I was going to shoot the president, I would climb up on the nearest shed. Now, that's exactly what he did. And we all thought of that, except you.

Well, Senator, we decided to put the Secret Service personnel inside the shed. So let me get this straight. You put the secret. It's a little Ross Pro coming in. Yeah, you put the Secret Service guys inside the shed. Did you also, I understand, set up a buffet? Well, yes. Put it where the shed where there's a wall that they can't shoot through.

So let me. The roof is where you can do lots of shooting. So they were in the shed serving themselves macaroni and cheese and spare ribs while the young man climbed on top of the shed and took aim at the former president. Is that right? Well, we're going to study that. There was macaroni and cheese. We don't know if there were actual soft drinks. We found shrapnels of cheese.

coleslaw all around the ship. Now, this sounds dumber than a three-peckered billy goat.

I have to tell you, you haven't answered one gosh damn question. Yeah. All we found instead of shells was crawdads that had been roasted in honey butter sauce. Sir, do you know what a shrimp bowl is? While your agents were having shrimp bowls and honey roasted crawdads,

Someone was on the roof doing a slow crawl with a loaded weapon. Is that correct? Well, we're going to study it. We don't know. We'll find out something. Guess what? Fuck you. Did you really assign the Secret Service to go out and get more coleslaw and some bunions? Yes.

So they had Pringles. At the exact time of the gunning down of the president. Why he pulled the trigger, they were pulling their finger around two Pringles at a time. And that leaf, that canister of Pringles was gone before the shooting was over. Is that correct? We do believe the Pringles were emptied at the same time the rifle was emptied, sir. Interesting.

I think it's funny how long we've stayed with this bit. This bit feels like it's over and it's still going. It's just, if we could get Jeff Foxworthy on the line. And Ross Perot. And Ross Perot. Have a baby. And have him interrogate the Secret Service. And then evaporate all the jokes out of it. And it would be this bit. Now, let me, I'm just, let me check my notes here. You can't.

You can't put a porcupine in a barn, light it on fire, and expect to make licorice. I don't think you're going to get a job sucking farts out of dead chickens after this. My opinion. You will never be fully employed swallowing licorice.

tadpoles that have been basted in a buttercream barbecue sauce anyway before we go what is the uh

product code on that barbecue place because i want to order something can you hit me with that give me a definition of a assassination attempt do you have that information on your person do you understand that guns are involved in an assassination so if you see some joe dirt looking motherfucker walking out the rifle you might want to put a dog ear put a pin in them and say

Check this guy out. Maybe frisk him. Yeah. You have got to pat down all the carnival goals. Now, I understand you had 40,000 people in that carnival and they all were patted down except one individual. Is that correct? Is that what I'm hearing? When you're on a rooftop 60 feet up and everyone on the ground is saying, that guy's got a gun.

Is that your first clue that you might want to start pulling back the hammer and shooting away? If you see a tank, a military tank come into an event and start firing shells toward the speaker, would that be a good thing or a bad thing? Sir, your time is up. I got one more.

Someone needs to stop us. Okay, what else can we do? Is it almost over? Well, it's 49-44. 49. Okay, one more bit. What do we got? Anything good on there? Then I got some athletic shorts. Okay, here's Big Fart. That was a short and gassy one. Do you want to hear another one? I don't even know how to continue this after that. What the fuck? It's Alexa. Alexa.

What is going on? Alexa, stop. By the way, she's trying to do like a TikTok. Alexa keeps... I think she's playing it very real if it's real. She's playing it very good. Yeah, I wonder if it was pre-recorded. I mean, at first it did sound like Alexis. I'm...

Can you make Alexis make sounds like that? Yeah, because, but also sometimes when I'm talking, it sounds like I say, hey, Siri, and then it answers something when I'm in a conversation. Like it just did. It heard me say Siri. But if you say, if you're just talking and say the wrong thing, Alexa goes, oh, you want to hear some gross farts? Why would Alexa even think of that and go along with it?

Well, you know, they have Alexa and it's been a while. They have FartXA, which is a different one that makes sounds. We found something here. There we go. We found something. Yeah, FartXA is maybe not as comprehensive, but makes party sounds or whatever you want FartXA to say. Alexa, I need a machine gun fart. Thank you, FartXA. Windy Pop, Windy Pop.

Windy Pop for me. Windy Pop. What's that one apart? Yes. That's a polite. I used to be able to do a great one. And what's wrong with it now? That one's not good. Nah, that's too typical. That's too commercial. Okay, is that the last one or should we get off? That's a big wah, wah, wah. Should we end on that clanker?

Or should we do more Southern guy? We just do it during the credits. Credits roll. We're still talking. If a B-2 bomber is coming down 100 feet over the carnival, headed toward the stage, would you consider that a threat? Would you stop and barisque it? Barisque it. After you had your barisque it? Barisque it.

Well, I stayed on the buffet theme. Yeah. Well, I do like the way you hit for risk it. Yeah. For race. Yeah. Add in syllables. Yeah. Let's just end with that. We're killing. This is funny. Okay. Thanks, Dana. I know you're busy. Remember, we're supposed to do this. Thank you for joining Superfly. Smash that subscribe button. Oh, yeah. I guess it's good for us. That's what everybody does. It's all the rage.

Oh yeah, I added a date in my Denver show that we're filming for whatever. And so come out Denver. What is the date of your Denver show? What is it, Heather? It's October 12th, maybe. Is it? I have all my tour dates on davidspade.com. October 11th we added, but we're going back. We're hitting Boise. We're hitting some big cities, Seattle. So I'll be out in the next month. But thanks everybody for listening and we will talk soon.

Okay, bye, Dana. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.