SUPERFLY #25 - Monsters and Shooters
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I'm a nibbler, Dana, and I think you are too, but you always know me that I just have to keep the energy going. And I think because I learned from my dad, pistachios are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up. They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Yeah.

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Sea salt and vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah, look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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All at your fingertips. Holmes.com. We've done your homework. What is the moral of that story? What is the... Give money to everyone. Have a really aggressively successful relative. Be a billionaire is the moral of the story. Then everyone will still like you. And then be a multi-billionaire. Yeah. And then get gacked. He's like this. He looks like one of those kangaroos.

You guys, we're back in the old sweatshop. Here we are. There's a first right now, though. What is that? I think it's the first time on Superfly that I've had a shirt with a collar. Oh, yeah. I know it's important for fans out there that want to make it really important. I keep you updated.

I just wanted to look more like you, David. No, you know what? We look so much the same, apparently. But then I had a green shirt on. I just changed and I come down and me and Dana both have gray on. Is that fucking... What a burn. You don't... I mean, the phones are going to light up. You're like my little brother. You don't look like...

- We don't really look the same. - If I had a little brother, like a kid brother, hey buddy, you know the kind that would get you in a headlock for no reason? - Yeah. - Yeah, that'd be me. - But we, people wouldn't know, I mean whatever, it's just too general. We don't look the same. Is this too low? Okay, here's what I'm gonna tell Dana about before we get started, which we'll be getting started. I went to movies over the weekend. Last night I went to A Quiet Place.

I went to Cheese Dick Factory first and ate. I love Cheesecake Factory. Some people call it the Cheesecake Fucktory, but that's sort of been played out.

- Yeah, a lot of people do. - Yeah, a lot of people do. - I hear that a lot. - Some of the employees do. So then I went there and it's connected at the Grove to the movies. So I, God, how, can I ask you a question? How recognizable, I mean, you're pretty recognizable out there. You got a big hat on or something? - I have a hat and shades and then I burrow under. Even though it's only 20 feet to the movie theaters, I go underground. - That was special. - So I go in there and when you go to the movies,

I've seen the other Quiet Places. And then I thought this one, the poster should have been, let's hear it for the Quiet Place. Wouldn't that be a good review? Let's hear it. Yes. Okay. Would you like me to insert something? No, I'll just keep going. Okay. And then- Because I have a Quiet Place idea. You do? Well, I just thought the sequel should be the Loud Place. Like if you don't scream, you die. Let's get something to eat! You have to keep talking up here. Yeah! Keep yelling or you'll die! The Loud Place.

Or when you're quiet, you die. That should be the monsters decide we like it loud now. Yeah, that's true. Well, the sequel is louder. Yeah, it's so hard. It would be hard to keep up the noise. Sorry, Greg, with the sound collapse. Yeah, the whole fucking place just shut down. Stay loud. One bit in and we're fucking collapsing. Stay loud and stay alive. So here's the thing. So go in. They play AMC.

First of all, it's a good 30 to 40 minutes of horseshit. It's like commercials. Oh my God. And then there's previews, give away every movie you're about to see. I left once and came back. That's why you don't have to go for the first half hour because a lot of my excitement is the first half hour and it's wasted on this shit. So the movie comes, I'm already plummeting. I'm trending down. So then when the whole movie's all you see Nicole Kidman and then they go, hi.

Welcome to the, it's a star of the quiet place. I'm like, I'm already in, you got me. And why are you telling me they're sitting there? Like, this is a great movie about New York. I go, I, I don't want to see the press junket. I made it. You sold me. I'm here. Start this shit. So true. Cause before Top Gun, it got through all that stuff. And then he goes, hi, I'm Tom Cruise.

You came to the movie, we're very excited. Get the fuck out of here. Now believe I'm another guy in 30 seconds. Hi, I'm Tom Cruise, but now watch Sergeant McGilley. I'm not going to make that leap of faith, bitch. So Quiet Place, I forget. We'll be quiet. I forget. It sounds easy. It's a silent movie, right? Pretty much. At the beginning, they don't know what to do with it because I just picture the pitch meetings like, we did this or the other one. This is all New York. Yeah.

And another big part of it is the aliens. They have to be cool. You know, they have to be good look. They have to be like interesting, scary, which they were. Were they the same as the other movies? Yeah. Oh. But they all kind of turn into alien when they get close to you, jowls open.

You know, like a boa eating it. Multiple sets of teeth. Yeah, yeah. But wait, there's more teeth. Then there's another little head and then the head has a little baby head with two tubes going, ma, ma. There's like seven layers of teeth coming at you. And they're all sharper and they breathe.

And they're always dripping with something. Ew. Yeah, it's sickening. You got through this without any vomit? Can I just say this? When I was watching scary movies as a kid, the monsters were dry, except Creature of the Black Lagoon. They were just dry. And then when Alien came out, goo was put on the thing. Wet and goo is bad. And they got wet and gooey and a lot more scary. It is scarier to be gooey. I like a dry monster. It's true. I do like my monsters dry. I agree with you.

With a twist. Yeah. I like a monster I can light a match up on. You said that about E.T. Oh, he's so fucking dry. Yeah, yeah. E.T.'s too dry. Frankenstein was dry. The original Frankenstein. All those old monsters are dry. And then they got gooey and wet. And then I stopped going to the movies. Nice.

So, okay, so we're still in the quiet place. So she has a cat. And the thing about the cat, you know the cat's going to fuck everything up because cats are already troublemakers. And you know, cat, why would you have in the quiet place? They're up there and he's like this pushing fucking cans off. Like, and they're like, and the cat's like, what if I, you know what I mean? They did that in the first alien where the cat's like, meow, meow. Yeah, and they want, you can't do shit. You take a cat and go, and the monster goes.

So you can't do anything in this movie. And the cat, I think, has a bell around his neck, which is another huge fuck up. Isn't it funny, though, the moment you just did when the monsters are like, and then they hear, and then the music comes in. Yeah, because they're like this, walking down the street in Manhattan. It's, of course, Armageddon. And they're like this. And then a bird goes, tweet now. The bird goes.

I don't even know what's going on. Like, I'm just being a bird, and then the alien comes and eats him. The monster. It's not an alien. It's a monster. But they are from space. Am I giving too much away? So the aliens are from... I did not know that. Yes, I did not know that. Ed? Not from this planet.

Extra terrestrial. Great one. Martian-like. So they all go to the noise, obviously, bring on the noise. Bring on the noise. Anything else that happened? Let me see. I wrote a few things down. Jeez, can't you just watch a movie? You're always working. No, the cat is white. Everyone's covered in filth. The cat is clean as a whistle. And also the cat,

Doesn't give a fat fuck walking over dead bodies. La la. Cause you know, cats don't know what's going on. So that's like the fun part is the cat. Cat never gets lost. And then at the end I walked out, but I tiptoed out. Well, they always, people get so attached to cats and dogs. We remember if you had a heart attack in the laundry room and no one was around, which one would eat your face first? The cat or the dog? Let the viewers send us.

Let's go to the phones. Evan? I feel like the cats would because they wouldn't even let your body get cold. First they would sniff a little bit, but within a week or two, First of all, they go through your pockets, get your iPhone. I want to see you mime that out with effects. The cat eating your face. That's the cat getting hit with milk when you go, milk a joke, and you give something to the kitty. And then the people going, aren't you guilty, Frisky, for eating your master's face? No memory. Mmm.

Okay, so now let's get to the other news. What was the other news this weekend? There's nothing really going on. This concludes, this is a short one. They don't have to be any length. We do have to-

We have to acknowledge the assassination attempt because we won't try to do it in the super darkest way. We just have to say this happened this week. We are on Monday. This is on Friday. So if we say anything wrong, it must have happened. Sometimes we do our episodes two months in advance and they're all about current events so they don't wear well. Yeah, that Quiet Place review was about the first one.

I'm not even kidding about the loud place. This was filmed in 80s. I think the loud place would crush. That's a good idea. Because you'd wear jangles and things and pots and pans every second. Like someone says- Hey, hi, hey, hey, hey. You couldn't keep it up. Stay loud and stay alive. Oh, also, I don't want to go back to the quiet place, but- I want to do it more. Everyone's filthy, but now and then the leads-

They look like they took a shower. And you know what? They look too good. And I'm like, you didn't get a shower in because you can't go too loud. Like they think they look too bad. So they clean them up a bit. I couldn't agree more. I couldn't agree more. A Western, like I saw when I did see a Western recently, 310 to Yuma.

- I love that one. Russell Crowe. - And all the cowboys had shitty teeth. Yellow, brown teeth. I hate it when you see a Western, it's all filth everywhere and then fucking white veneers. Hello, everybody. I mean, it's like, come on. Everything is filthy. - Oh, right. - But giant white teeth throws me out of the movie, David. - Do you know how much veneers were back then? - They would cost three veneers. That's an Italian currency. - Okay. - Three veneers to get actual veneers.

Yeah, they were like 10 cents, but that was a lot. But anyway, I'm agree with you. I like dirty teeth in Westerns. So the shooting I saw as it happened on TV and- You were watching it? They always say it sounds like firecrackers, which is true when I heard it back because if it's a mountain range, you think it's going to be- Very good. Get tight on that mic and do that. I like that.

That is my new favorite sound effect. That's a great one. Because the echo. Yeah, that's in the mountains. Damn, girl. I feel like I... Let's get on out of here. So there's a lot of questions about it because luckily the candidate for president didn't get shot. But the scariest thing is that thing where it's...

He looks this way. And if he didn't look that way, he would have gotten, it would have been like a JFK thing. And for America to see that for kids, I was actually very thrown by it all. It scared me. Because when it was real, you thought, oh my God, what if he's shot in the back? I don't know. When he went down, I go, he could have one in the back, couldn't feel. And then they take him away and then he goes, oh wait, you know, because you, I don't know, shock. It's adrenal. I mean, I saw, it was a little, aged me a bit, but I saw Lee Harvey Oswald got,

He got shot by Jack Ruby during a prison transfer. That's not funny, but it makes you think of Dennis Miller. Dennis Miller had a bit. He does. It's so funny. I haven't seen choreography like that since the Lee Harvey Oswald prison transfer. Prison transfer.

Hey boss, I got the guy that owns a local strip club. He's got a handgun. Should we let him through? Who the fuck are they turning away? If they're letting in the strip club owner with a handgun. Yeah, strip club owner with a gun. Should we let him through? Yeah, let him in. Yeah, that's what we were thinking because when you say, I look at all the evidence, TikTok, I mean evidence.

TikTok. I go on Twitter. That's where all the truth is. Twitter, TikTok. I mean, just picture if this was JFK. I mean, the amount of analyzation. All we had was that crummy Zapruder tape. But now, of course, everyone has something going on. And you're going to a place that's getting filmed anyway. So everyone has questions. I don't know. I don't know. It all sounds. You can question everything about this.

Everybody has questions. And this is gonna go on for quite a while. And the questions are from everybody, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, TikTok, Twitter, more traditional sites, CNN, Fox News. And then everybody has questions. How in the fuck did that shooter get on that roof from that distance with that clear shot?

- When we know because of Evie, the Secret Service agent. - Oh yeah, who was on our show. You can go back and watch it. - We interviewed, ironically,

two weeks ago or something for a half hour about how the Secret Service works. And she really breaks down. I think we have a YouTube video of Trump is next president. So the amount of security is massive. So I said, how many are guarding in a big rally? Because I go 50, 60, 100 more. So they couldn't spare one person.

To be on the highest building? The roof that's closest to it. So you're kind of like, well, please explain this. Yeah. I thought that was a little fishy. I don't know. I mean, I don't know. We just need an explanation. Oh, okay. Here's my explanation that I want. Is the sniper, Secret Service, whoever is watching and guarding, looks like he sees the guy and he's got him, looks up, Trump gets shot, goes back down and pulls the trigger.

Don't you think it would be cool if you see a guy with a gun, just shoot him? I don't know the procedure, but if a guy's laying down, prone position with a rifle, in camo or whatever, just shoot him and worry about it later. Well, you assume from people I've talked to, I talked to someone who's in the military, they don't have different frequencies. They are all matched. So this whole thing you see in the movies,

Kill one, section seven, clear, fine. I mean, you know, in a second. Eagle. So it's completely mysterious. You could only say that it was like the Challenger explosion, like 10 coincidental things went wrong. They say locally they give certain jobs to local police. So the local police is like apparently Barney Fife or something because-

They didn't have someone on that rooftop. I can't understand why they didn't have someone on that rooftop. Based on the scenario I'm seeing, I'm not a conspiratorialist. I like to get answers, but I have a lot of questions. And I have to say, just out of sensitivity and respect, the gentleman who did get killed saving his wife and daughter, apparently, my heart goes out to them. And that is tremendously sad.

There's so many aspects to this story and there's so many. Did you send me the video behind the scenes? - I sent you something that I. - So behind the actual podium where Trump was speaking, there was a person hushing people away from the. - Right before it happened. - Yeah. - It looked like Secret Service got up, took people out from behind Trump and then he holds them there. And then when everything happens right then, when he gets there, blam, blam, blam.

He doesn't run on stage. They all run on stage when they're getting jump off. He's still crouched over there Yeah, that was a weird one. But again weird. I don't even know if he works there. I don't know I just don't know it's again. You just have questions. What was that? We have no answers, but why they're making a big deal Who's that Vincent guy the hat that was apparently someone online saying with some guy was actually in Italy Is that the story it's been it it sounds like there's a lot of videos of him behind Trump at every single Oh, there's a guy that was behind Trump. He hasn't they've named him. Oh

Oh, okay. I don't know if that's anything. Everyone behind is like a subject because the woman, she went down and she immediately took her phone up and started filming. You're like, what are you doing? All I know is, oh, sorry, just the Secret Service bun. There was three women involved in it and they were all badass, but the one with the bun, she really took it all in control. I just want to let everybody know. The one that Trump was leaning on. Yes. And then she, even when he got in the car, she still stayed and kept moving. Is that her on the screen right here?

Everybody know she's the one that with a head back to us. Yeah. Yeah, okay What about this one? He's a star, you know that who's playing her in the movie Greg show. I don't want to say okay Okay See we can still smile I'm not doing all my jokes because the first someone said it was Alec Baldwin. I was like, oh no days off for this guy. Oh

We're not putting that in. No, no. That's just, we can cut anything. I mean, no days off. It's funny. Trimity, trim, trim. He just got acquitted. And he's like. What about him leaving for coffee? What did who? Did you see? Alec Baldwin's been on trial for the. Uh-uh. But he's acquitted. And he just, but he got up in the middle of the trial and just walked while they were questioning and he got up. He just went and got a coffee. And all those lawyers were like, literally visibly like, like, like shaken that he just got up. What just went through the trial? I didn't know that. You didn't see this?

I like when they said, did you call him a cocksucker? And the girl goes, me? I don't know. I don't think I got some witness. That one. Some jury member. I don't. You know, you've handled guns in movies, right? I mean, you count on other people. And also protocol was broken because I've done a few. I'm not saying. But every single time the guy says, here's your firearm.

- They usually go like this. - He makes you, he opens all the bullets, he turns it, he turns it, he looks down and he makes you look down the thing, you look in the chamber. I mean, it's all, once that's not happening, then anything can happen and the tragedy happened. - And there's low budgets, you don't know, but you know, when I see Rust, when I run to see it at the little theater of the Grove with four people, I'm going to, every time he points the gun at the screen, everyone's gonna go, "Hey, come on, is that the real one? Come on." It does just make me nervous. - He's not done, he's not done.

Got more? Alec Baldwin might be watching this show. We don't mean any disrespect. I'm glad he's got to quit it. That was just a tragedy and a freaky thing. And we love Alec. Okay, Dana, this, we're going to talk about away luggage for a second. And as you know, I go away a lot because-

international stupid star so i'm still on tour i just did six days and look at this away luggage i have oh yes i have one too oh you went for the kind of green gray i went for it's a little bit what color do we call that heather what would you light it's a dark peacock blue dark okay i have kind of the very light uh sort of whitish gray

Look at how light it is because Heather can lift it up and she's just spinning it around. So this is good to buzz around. This one you can bring on with you. I think that's the right size. Yeah. You can bring it with you on the plane. And then I have one I checked. Thank you, Heather. That was great. She's still up there with my smashing my head with it. So it looks great. It's it's anyway, it's easy. Now, when I'm traveling, I used to have one that was just like

pulling teeth it was like pulling bricks around you know i didn't know there's lighter easier ones because i've it's been a while yeah so i finally get a new one it it kicks around it's uh it looks better than any of these soft side suitcase that's the term soft side right they're not clams they're not like hard clams yes and now that's what they've done with this one

And it's extremely light and maneuverable as, as were the other ones that they gave us. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you away. Yeah. Away. They, they, a soft side comes in for their bestselling sizes and they're good colors. The two carry on sizes to check sizes. There's four colors. This is blue, Heather. It's not as tricky blue. Mine was gray, technically gray. And then there's a pink and a black.

Yeah. It's high strength nylon. You always wondered what these are made of. Yeah. High strength nylon because it doesn't get smashed. It's tear resistant, water resistant. And I've spilled because there's so much stuff here. It doesn't even matter. Oh yeah. You could throw anything on the one I have, the gray one and just take a little cloth.

And it's clean. Like if you miss your flight and you cry and your tears hit it, it's fine. It doesn't matter. Yeah, it's totally fine. It's soft, but not sensitive. It's durable, flexible, and expandable. Everything you want in a carry-on piece of luggage. Maximum. Anti-tipping stabilizer. Yes. The thing about these are they are kind of fun. I'm not saying it's fun to snake through a crowded airport.

But you can get one of these in front of you and it's almost like you're doing a dance. You're going left, you're right, you're dragging. I mean, you can spin it around, get it past people. I mean, it is, it's very, very compact, but holds a lot.

You put another one on top of it. I've got a smaller one just to like walk on with like lunch and just put right on there. Yeah. You got to check out the new soft side luggage from Away if you can. Head over to awaytravel.com slash fly. That's awaytravel.com slash fly to see the new soft side luggage from Away. Already showed you one. Awaytravel.com slash fly. You know Rosetta Stone, the most trusted language learning program?

If you want to learn a new language, which no time like the present, it's always fun to learn when you get older. I know. And it's not learning a language when you're older, you know, over the age of 20 is difficult. You know, I mean, all the high school Spanish I took, grade school Spanish, you know, all I can say is hola.

And hasta luego. So it goes out of your head. So now you have Rosetta Stone, David, tell them about it. Well, Dana, you know, more than anyone trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users in 25 languages. Uh, I mean, my gosh, they have Spanish, French, Italian, German. I don't think you can throw them a curve ball. I think they're going to know what don't they have the language you want. Yeah.

It immerses you in many ways. There's no English translations. You understand? I know no English. You need a Rosetta Stone for English. No English translation, so you really learn to speak and listen and think in that language. That's the whole idea of Rosetta Stone is that it sticks to your head. It sticks to your brain. I learned German out of a book. It just doesn't stick as hard, so this is the way to do it. Just don't type.

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There's a true accent feature. It gives you feedback on your pronunciation. Yes. And of course, there's desktop app options. There's an audio companion and ability to download lessons offline. Mm-hmm. Yeah, so that's great. Lifetime access to all 25 language courses Rosetta Stone offers for 50% off. A steal! Oh, my gosh. And I do think that the off-label thing that... I'm ad-libbing now, going off script.

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You just visit rosettastone.com slash fly. That's 50% off, unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your life. Redeem your 50% off at rosettastone.com slash fly today. All right, should we do some headlines? You want to talk more about? Well, I just have one more thought that's not funny, but I do find it interesting. Yeah. If you took...

All the cell phone activity we can find, all the police walkie talkie find, all the activity when they're setting up before the audience comes in, interview all the people, mix and match with other arenas.

How did the killer get in there? How did he get on the roof? Put it all and put it into an AI. Only when the AI might go, David Spade, David Spade. Me? Could be. I'm just saying you could. I don't think you had anything that you didn't have.

I don't think that's true. I just say the AI. We don't know the answers yet. We don't know yet. I have actually no idea. But I'm not even kidding in the sense that we could get some sense of answers. Right. Everything's left untouched still, I heard. I don't know if that's true, but that they are doing those things. It's a crime scene. Yeah. And all the people with phones and little bits all have to be put together and everything. AI right now is going, just let me know when you want to know what's going on. Just let me know when you know another killer and everything. What about that one? I can't stop you.

It'll take me three seconds. The one interview, the guy saying he saw him bear crawling up the... I don't know. I don't know anything. Oh, there's people going, this dude has got a gun, he's on the roof, and everyone's like, oh my God. They were standing and saw a guy bear crawling on the roof. How about you be a hero then and you go up and grab him?

Yeah. Well, and again, they say now that a cop went up and kind of looked and the guy pointed his gun at him and said, see ya. I'd be like, hmm. That guy does not want his name released. I'm afraid of heights, actually. No, do whatever you want to do because I'm going down. But whenever you do, Woody Allen,

I'm going to do what he tells me. You trigger me. Yeah. You trigger me. Of course. It's funny. So anyway, all we know is what we don't know. And I think in terms of the macro, remember that at Arizona State? Yeah. The temperature of Biden and his apparent mental difficulties and all the stuff about

him stepping down, waiting for that speech to the nation. I'm not, will not, I won't even do it. And then this assassination attempt on Trump, it's rotating in such a way that's so heated up. I'm just going to say it. I've never seen anything this crazy. And I was there for JFK and Martin Luther King. And this is just on all levels with social media. It is crazy.

I'm going out on a limb. Everyone in here, three people in here nodding, two of them nodding. Greg went to state school. Where'd you go to school? Temple. Where'd you go to high school? Temple. So that figures. Where did you drop out of high school? He's not reacting. He went to Temple. No, I have no idea what Temple is. Oh, really? I went to church. Anyway. Yeah. I went to synagogue U. Let's look at the hot headlines before we get... Oh, yeah. This is a feel-good story. I love seeing Princess Kate at Wimbledon.

because she's gone through the ringer and her kid was there. I think that's Charlotte. And she's smiling and Kate looks gorgeous. Out the whole day, rotting in the sun. I couldn't do it that long. She's tougher than me. She's there and she meets the winner and she has a great time and everyone is excited to see her. So really nothing, no jokes here. Just really fun to see Kate from England. Getting the insight through...

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry about how difficult that job is, what they do, the royals have to do. You go, oh, poor baby, they live in a palace. But it's a fishbowl life. It's a lot of just ceremonial stuff. So from afar, you find yourself liking her. She has a likability factor. She's very likable. There's an empathetic vibe to her.

And, you know, as someone who's been married for sure, it feels like to me, because I mostly watch tabloids, that her and Prince William have a very strong marriage.

Yeah, they seem like a good couple and the kids seem all cute. And I like this story. We'll move on because it's not funny, but I like it. I liked it. We wondered where she was for a long time, so it is nice to see her. That's why. We can be sincere and real and then funny. That's how we are in real life. It's hard for me, yeah. No, I've seen you. I've seen you tear up. No, I tear up. I cry at commercials. All right, Holy Matrimony. This is just a story about...

of another super rich guy that invites just famous people. I think he pays them to come to his wedding and it's hilarious. I'm not really hating on it. I probably would have gone. You know what my wedding fee is. It's pretty high actually. But I go and I go, hey, good job. You know, hey. I would go every second. Do we know who went and how much they got? Piranha Chakra went because she's sort of the queen over there. Piranha Chakra? Yeah, she was in Quantico and she's with Joe

No, one of the Jonas. Hello? One of the Jonas. Nick Jonas. Hello. So, no. I would like to talk to Nick Jonas, please. I will hold. Hello, Nick. I wanted to come to my wedding and give you a lot of money. You get one million shroobles. And they go, oh, and that's only $9. You don't know it.

I'm doing Indian accents now. Well, it's India. Well, my best friend is from India. Who else? Who else went? Oh, who else went? I heard Kim K. Yeah, when you can get these people to come to your wedding, it's so fake. You're just buying them, but they walk around, great stuff. Oh, my God, you guys are so cute. Like, what do you say? Because you don't know them at all.

"Thanks for hiring me. What do I gotta do? Shake your hand, get a photo, let's knock one out." - Well, it is kind of interesting that you got all the planes, you got the mansions, you got all this money. And then what else don't we got? We need celebrities. How about Dan and Carvey and David Spade? They'll come in for a cool half million each. - We do the podcast there. - And mingle. - Or we do the podcast and then we mix and mingle 'cause they're gonna want that for what they're gonna pay us. - Then you do a few impressions. I get up there and whatever.

I'll do Biden, Trump, David will crush with a story about... I'll redo Quiet Place. A Pizza Hut chunk that's extraordinary. Yeah, I got good stuff. Oh, this lady says... Another solo I get in the first... Oh, she's freaking out because she said, people over 50 don't use filler words. And that's not true because I do and I'm 48. Okay, I need more information. So she says...

It's very clear that if you're older, you're smarter because you don't go like, um, like, like. Oh, those words. You don't fill your sentence. You just say what you want to say. And also people over 50 don't have vocal fry, which they have on The Bachelor. You know what that is? Where they go, yeah. Where it kind of fades out. Yeah, Scott. Yeah, they just kind of growl it out. Everyone on Bachelor has it. Everyone on Bachelor in Paradise has it.

It was always interesting to me. Did you observe this? That the, where the Valley girl rhythm came from apparently was the San Fernando Valley. That was the apparent in the seventies. Okay. So it's like, but now you can meet,

predominantly young women, I don't know if this is sexist, in different states, Montana, everywhere. They do it all over the country. So like, this guy was so cool, but I was like so scared. And I liked him, but my friend Susan really liked him more than I did. So we were like, you know, and it's everywhere. It's just an observation. I don't have a punchline. No, it's just sometimes you realize that

People are dumb everywhere. It doesn't have to be just here in LA. It's like the dude. Did you ever talk like a surfer dude? Because you were kind of a skateboarder. I was a skater. I would just adapt anything that helped me or made me more appealing. Like in school, they say you should try to stand out and be yourself. I was like, nope, I want to be exactly a carbon copy of everyone else. I just want to not stand out at all. And I just want to be whatever's working for people.

You eat there in the cafeteria, I do this. You act like that, I wear that, I wear that. So I wasn't really a unique individual. Can I ask you a question? Yeah, please. I remember how Jerry Seinfeld got so mad. Don't say whatever. Just ask. Just ask a question. I don't need you to say, can I ask you a question? That counts as the question. Have you ever gone to any of your high school reunions? I did. Which one? I went to the 10th.

And I think I was seeing Julie Bowen. And so I said, do you want to go? No. And I took her. You weren't seeing her at 28. That'd be your 10th. You'd be 28. I'm 100 now. No, but it's SNL. You're 100. Count backwards. But I think it was. You're 80 now. It can't be. Could it be 20? No. It was a long time ago. It was probably 10th. Anyway. My observation is that you, early Saturday Night Live, we have pictures. And then you, by the time you got...

just shoot me an SNL. - Famous enough to date. - Well, you had cool hair, you had a cool goatee, you had cool clothes. I mean, we did a video or audio picture montage of you. But so the time you were there,

If thinking of how you must have been at 17 in high school, hi, everybody, I'm David Spade. And then there you were 20 years later, you would have been a badass. Hello, I'm David Spade. Hi, Julie Vaughn, I'm David Spade. No, I didn't do David Spade from just shoot me. It was a.

- Exactly. - Let's do this shit. - It's fucking rough. - A lot of big kids. - We went to the Punch Drunk Love premieres or whenever that was. So anyway, we go to it crazily enough. She goes, "I'll go for fucking shits and giggles." So we go. And then stupidly, this is like a time where Ben and J-Lo were dating. So when they said sign in, we wrote Ben and J-Lo to be stupid. And this fucking first guy that walks up to me goes, "Think you're Ben Affleck?" I go, "Oh boy."

He like wanted to fight me immediately. I was like, of course they want to kill me. Cause you had all the power. I am. You didn't ask for it. You just, yeah. One guy goes, everyone, my own.

All my friends think you're funny. I go, he's really not. And I go, all right, cool guy at down and out. It's like, we get it. Did he get you in the proverbial headlock and give you a noogie? Did you go like that? I told him I could beat the shit out of you. I go, literally everyone here can, including Julie. So it's not a big victory. Most of the guys who dominated me in high school, by 28, they were completely bald and they were putting gas in a tank at a full serve. And they'd just wave as I went by. You think you're so great. You don't want to peak in high school. Just for any young people watching, just look at us. I'm almost 80.

Still having fun. Don't worry. Just relax. Here's this next story, which is... I thought this was kind of funny. This is interesting. I think this is an Uber driver. He's like, how's my son's drawing? He puts his son's drawing in his window and he goes, good enough for art classes or just send him to trade school? So any driver can vote. You go help the family decide if the kid's a good artist. I think he's pretty good. Well, is that a rock hitting the guy's head? That's the other part. Is he...

Is the moon behind him? That's the only part where I think he should go to trade school because I don't know. I like the right side of the picture. Well, it's a perfectly fine drawing. Does he have a man bun? Is that a stop sign? It looks like a rock is hitting his head. Hitting him in the head. But he's not reacting. No. It's probably right before. It's right when the rock hits his head. Well, okay. Here's where I need more information. How old is the kid?

How old is the bald guy? He says enough for art classes. He's talking about private art classes. Yeah, the kid wants to go to art school. Well, let him be a plumber during the day and go to art school at night. Problem solved. Jesus, I don't know if that's one of the picks you can vote on. What do you have to vote? Dana's like, they go, if you'd like to put an essay, Dana's like,

Well, I was a bus boy, and then I'd say, look, there are shows in San Francisco tonight. This is a holiday, and I was 30 miles from San Francisco, the Holy City Zoo. Could I leave early to go do a show? So then I'd go and do a set there. Robin Williams would come in. Her, her.

Robin's here tonight. Sweet Robin. He would do two hours. He would. I can't believe it. It's a crazy night. I want to toast to all the midgets. Love him. But anyway, do both. Do it all. Here, David. Shirts with printed on sweat stains are being sold for $350. We had the pee stains on the jeans, right? And now you can do a shirt with sweat stains? Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. What's next? Drop on a load and you're Levi's in the bed. What's the final mic drop on human? What's next? Socks with jizz all over them? Because I got a couple up in the fucking room. At least we have a nice byline for today's Superfly. Listen, actually, I would do this shirt if it was a button down. I just don't like these pullovers. Well, let's ask Heather. Heather, look at this picture.

- Why, how did you get, did John know you're using his picture? - We know him and I think he just sweat. - That's real sure. - You didn't see the other one. I made a joke and put the real sweat guy. - A little heavy might sweat a little bit. It's probably a very hot day. Heather, let me ask you a question. Do you find it sexy at all, a man kind of sweating? - Yeah.

From a distance, but I don't know. From a distance. David, do you find it sexy at all with a man or a woman's wet? No, I do think guys are super hot, but I do think...

that I've had I've had requested to be sweaty not like that's 90 day fiance guy right yes yeah I've had to say you better get all hot and sweaty because that's what I like honestly so like what it looks like or the smell smell they want it to be a little randier yeah I can see people liking that not me

Oh, well. I like the looks. Sorry, Heather, because that's me 24 hours a day. Yeah. But what is your choice of Manly deodorant? I mean, what's the brand?

Raw dog. Raw dog? Isn't that just driving and not listening to the radio? You can't apply it to everything in life. It's everything, Dana. That's when you don't know what you're talking about. It was going to the fucking movies and not eating popcorn. Fucking raw dog the whole movie. I know. You should have saw The Loud Place. It is out at the same time. Oh, I thought this is a cute story. And we won't talk about my raw dogging BO. Okay, ready? Okay, this guy's...

Takes his girlfriend out to dinner. Let's play it. Nope. Where's the cake? Come on, Heather My fork fuckface Isn't that sweet

And look at this part. Diamond feels small.

I can still feel. Okay, that's it. That's our producer, Greg Holtzman. That's way better than last week's proposal. Isn't that a good one? Yeah. This isn't the kidnap smash car proposal? No. So, David, what? Is that you blind? Right now, a little bit. Am I making fun of a disability? No. I thought it was very cute. See, what a softie.

I cry at most Instagrams. There's so many bad ones that I was waiting for something to happen. No, it was a nice one. Yeah, if I gave myself into that, I would be a puddle of tears. But that is very, very sweet because it didn't feel staged. You know when you see stuff all the time? I don't think that was staged. That looked real. Yeah. If it wasn't, give that woman an Oscar if she can see. Okay, what are we doing here? Is this Biden? So although I wish I were here with better news, the fact is that you and I are sitting here today because...

This will be your last week of employment. This is not an assessment of your productivity. Try not to take this personally. It's Clooney firing you. Well, I just had a bad night. Wow, that is clever. They put in that movie in the air. Yeah. That's funny. Yeah. That was just funny. Okay, what is this dog doing? I'm sure I'll laugh. Okay, stop it. Freeze. Freeze. Okay, this guy wipes out his chair. All right. Does the dog help him up?

or go get the bottle he threw? - Boy, so we don't get a playback. So I don't know how violent the, I say goes gets the bottle. - Okay, let's see.

- He eats the cake. - He eats the cake? - There's a cake sitting there. - Why did he know the cake was there? - I know, he fucked you over. - Train A leaves the station. - You got it wrong. - To Chicago, going 40 miles an hour. - Dude, take a cognitive test, this guy failed. - Hey, I take a cognitive test every day. - Here he comes, glasses off. - I take a, put these on. Take a cognitive test every day. Just have a dozen eggs. I drop 'em, six break, how many I got? I got six, come on.

What doesn't belong here? Alligator, ice cream, bazooka. None of the above. I take a cognitive test every day. Oh, you do? Every moment I take a cognitive test. David Spade. Have another peanut butter sandwich cookie.

That's a whole other thing. You know what happened this week, which will still be when this is aired, is they're not talking as much about Biden. And now we're like three weeks out. It's gotten wiped out by the Trump assassination attempt. I mean, they better do something or not do something. Oh, with Biden? Yeah. By airtime, maybe. When is the Democratic convention? Could they switch it there? That's August. They could do it there. He said, I'll see you at the convention. I like these people that have private meetings with him and go,

Hey, I would be like, hey, what's this lunch about? And they're like, just lunch. And then they're like, you got to fucking quit, dude. He's like, you tricked me. I thought we were going to talk about Quiet Place or something. Everyone wants to meet with him. And he's like, I know what this is about. I don't want to meet with you, dude. I'm not going to quit because I'm the best at passing the baton to do the job. No one could do the job better than me. He's not going to quit. Everybody wants to be the guy that talked him out of it.

The only one, but he was mad at Obama because Obama pushed Hillary in 2016 and not him. So there's all kinds of subterfuge. Sounds like a real intrigue. Sounds like a real tangled web. Sounds like you take a web, you tangle it up and kind of describe some story. Why did I bore everyone with this? What is this? This year, Dell Technologies' back-to-school event is delivering impressive tech with an inspiring purpose.

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Too far away. About how much cable... Oh, this is to watch... Oh. I think I said this for no reason. This is to watch football this year. It used to be just you have to pay for YouTube or DirecTV or for... Yep. To watch all the games. Then they're going to add a game on Peacock. So you got to join Peacock. Mm-hmm. Then you join Netflix for a game. Amazon Thursday night for a billion dollars. Without Michaels and then our friend and then ESPN and NFL Plus. So it's getting to be...

- A little dicey to watch. - I thought you were gonna say it's getting to be a little like Christmas. - A lot like Christmas, actually. - Well, this is how they get you. That was the old Barry Sobel bit. - That's how they get you. - That's how they get you. Wait, this reminds me of, why isn't, this is a basketball question for you. - Okay, we have Greg Holtzman. - Who is the guy in the Celtics, the MVP? - Jalen Brown. - Jalen Brown. Why isn't he in the Olympics now that- - Too rich. - Didn't they pick another guy from the Celtics?

What? Nike sponsors the Olympic team. This is a conspiracy. That sounds pretty clear cut. Who's Jalen Brown with? Jalen Brown, I don't know who he's with, but he and Kyrie both have beef with Nike. And they think that's why he's not on the Olympic team. Oh, man. That sounds pretty clear cut. I'm glad we're really trying to put our best foot forward with our best guys. I mean, they said they go, we got an alternate. And they pull, is it Derek White who's the guy? His teammate. His teammate. And you're like, Jalen was the MVP of the whole finals, I think.

And they won the whole thing, right? Yes, he was. So it just seems like so dumb. You go, come on. First of all, I have a real thing against the Olympics and do not get me started. Please do. You're against the Olympics? I'm against it, yeah. Really? Even like the swimming and gymnastics? I'm against the beating it puts on people. And then the next day, best case you win. Then the next day you're like, I won. And then nobody cares. And then if you lose, then you're like,

Now, if you win, you go, I can coach. What can I do? I've wasted 20 plus years doing one thing, shot putting every day. And now where does that lend itself in the real world? Can I say something? Yeah.

I barely started. Sometimes I ask a question. Sometimes I want to ask a question. Sometimes I want to make a statement. If you're an Olympic gold medalist and you learn to give an inspirational speech of 20 minutes in length, you go on the corporate circuit and you're getting 50K a night. Wait, why do I want to do an hour? They do 20? You got to get in the Olympic team. I'll buy you a shop. When's your birthday? 16 pounds. I have a Nerf one. But as you know, it is coming up.

- No, it's fucking horrible. Don't go nuts, Dana. Well, you have money, go nuts. - I'll get you a girl's shot put. - Give me a Nerf one to practice. - No, it's still eight pounds for a JV. - It is? - Yeah, I think so. No, it's dense. - Fuck it. - You know, I'm out. But I like to watch the Olympics because of the drama of it, but it is bittersweet sometimes. - I'm saying that's fun for us. It's like fun to watch, but then after all the dust settles, I know someone that was in the Olympics training, tore an Achilles and then she goes,

I'm just going to try to be in the next Olympics because what do you do now? Because it's training every day. Now you're like, I'm going to go work at Nordstrom. What skills do you have? You're not ready for the real world. No, that is. I mean, there's a lot of intrigue going on, too, with special behind-the-scenes medicine of these athletes. And if you do test positive for performance-enhancing drugs, they always say they had a chili dog.

It's a nitrates. That's one of the excuses. Oh, is that what you say? Chili dog. Yeah. Had a chili dog. Yeah. When I go run a mile, I always slamming a chili dog. Blew out my anaerobic. Blew me out. But get this, David. Check this out. So you're going to the Olympics. You're in the 100 meter sprint. Got it. This is your last chance. Your favorite to get the gold medal. 50 million people watching. So you false start.

That's it, end of career. Are you out if you false start? Well, definitely two. I think they changed it to one. Well, by the way, your whole life revolves around eight seconds. It's like, so you do it, you have an off day, and now what?

- Now it's the coach flight home, you go to the Olympic Village and get fucking plowed a few times. - Well this is to quote our friend Jerry Seinfeld, or just, he did a visual joke that was so great about, you know when they show the silhouette black and white photo when it's a photo finish of all the sprinters, and Jerry did a profile and he goes, "Here's the winner."

It's sixth place. Winner, sixth place. That's funny, right? That's funny. Yeah. Thanks, Jerry. Can you give me some other Jerry jokes? Some other Jerry jokes? No. Jerry's best joke was at a funeral, they say the biggest fear in people's lives is public speaking. So if you're at a funeral, most people would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy. Oh, I heard. Remember Al LaBelle said the number one fear is...

Public speaking. Number two is snakes. So someone's walking in the desert going, oh my God, a podium. So I guess it's like jokes. I don't know. I like mangling someone's joke and they go, that wasn't that good. I'm like, Alubel opened for me at Laughs Unlimited where the comedy room and the green room had a common wall.

So you could, you're sitting there waiting to headline and he's the middle act. You're hearing through the wall. And then he would do a song with a tape and he would sing and belt out this five minute song. I'm out. And the whole room I'm in is shaking arms and legs and hair. Don't mean to scare. No, no. I know that song. And now Dana Garfo and I'd come out, look up the Alabelle song.

- If you're listening or watching this, you were hard to follow. - I like when girls on Instagram go, "I was swimming in the ocean and the lifeguard was like, 'You can't go out there. You're so light and skinny, you're gonna get pulled in a riptide or something. You're just so cute and little, you can't.'" - It's just all about them saying that they're skinny. - You can't talk about Olympics and river without talking about poop river.

I don't we don't know enough. We have to. They cleaned up the Seine. She's got the Seine River. Seine. It's had E. coli to dangerous levels for quite a long time. And people are saying they spent billions of dollars in Paris to clean it up for the Olympics. They have guaranteed it's going to be ready. They were supposed to test it today. And the mayor was the mayor.

Whoever's in charge over there. Oh, yeah, that made me sound smart Um that they're gonna they said they will get it clean enough that they will be the first person to swim in there It was scheduled for today They pushed it two days because they're only at 80% today just below the toxic levels of her poop river So she for poop river so she wants two more but why are they calling it the poop river? No, we know this is she knows the answer Okay

All the Parisians are very upset that they spent so much money, all the taxpayers' dollars to try and clean up the Seine, and it's really going nowhere. So they've all decided to

Plan a poop in the river so it goes downstream to where they're going to do the test swim. And they even have apps so you know exactly in your town where to let it off. Where and when to poo. When and where to poo. Diarrhea welcome. So it could float down to where they're going to do the test and say, you fucked up. You spent all our money. This was a dumb idea. Jesus, what a... And here's some poop.

I thought, don't we look at the French as kind of sophisticated in a way? No, they're more redneck than any redneck. I'm red, redneck. I take a big dump in the river, make people be sad. They come swimming up on my stuff. Come on, get some. Come on, get some. That's extraordinary if that's true. Yeah, they take like, okay, a sifter and just go, how many peanuts? Pop quiz. Go ahead. The LA Olympics are in four years against it. No, thank you.

What is the thing they should clean up? Well, we know they're going to go away and then come back afterwards. Did we discuss this? Are you talking about the homeless? Didn't we talk about this? Frogtown could be cleaned up. Santa Monica Pier. I don't like the sound of any of this. It sounds fake and crazy. Well, how about 13 beaches in LA are closed for three months? Because of...

Pico, man. We have poop ocean. Yeah. I think San Diego on down, it's full of dirty poop. All right. Now let's get to this important story, which is nothing. We're almost done. This is Jeff Bezos' first office. The humble beginnings. No Lauren Sanchez. This is before they started dating. He is a, what a ratty little bleak dump. But that's everybody's office at the beginning. Bless his heart.

He spray paints amazon.com. I like the initiative there. And the carpet is, well, I have that in my room actually, so I shouldn't. I ran into him when he was not Jeff Bezos at a conference at maybe the early knots. And Amazon had been started, but a lot of big words were at this. And he was just a little guy and kind of sweet. Here's an interesting story about Jeff Bezos. So he's starting Amazon online, it's books and stuff. He convinces-

his relatives, his siblings to give him maybe invest a thousand or 5,000 and they get all these shares. They're all worth hundreds of millions of dollars. - Sure, yeah.

What is the moral of that story? What is the- Give money to everyone. Have a really aggressively successful relative. Be a billionaire is the moral of the story. Then everyone will still like you. And then be a multi-billionaire. Yeah. And then get gacked. He's like this. He looks like one of those kangaroos. Elon Musk said he's supporting Trump.

borderline political. All right. I was just... Vote for Trump. Oh, that's Elon Musk. A little bit. I don't know why he stutters. He didn't pay enough to the stutter coach. All right. We have to wrap it up because I want a piece of gum. I'll state... Would you like a beverage? What do you have, a slippery nipple? I made a little side deal, David. Wait for the check. Thank you, Petty.

People say that we read ads that we're not telling the truth. We're saying that we use stuff that we... They do? What people? A certain person that knows both of us. No, people... Not Paula. No, not Paula. I'm very careful. People on YouTube love the fucking show.

They do sometimes. All right. Allstate wants to raise California homeowners rates by 34%. This is why no one can afford it here. 34, not three or four. They're doing a lot. People don't know this in the other states. A lot of people just can't get home insurance at all anymore. They just say no. When I did it here at this mansion or whatever, other people's words,

15 windows, four pantries, whatever. It doesn't matter. Who cares? Podcast room. Six. But they said 10 out of the 12 places said, no, we don't even... We're not even going to make a bid. We don't... We won't. And I'm not in some Tinder box. This thing's made of like steel. It looks like a goddamn carport. My house is not great looking, but it's mostly...

Made of steel, glass, solid gold, and platinum. And what are you saying? You can't get insurance? I couldn't. I couldn't. Out of the 12 places, two said yes, and they were skyrocket prices. It was seven times what I paid before I moved here. So just saying, it's scary across the board. California is in a tough spot because who can afford 30% of it? The flip side of that story, and I don't have details on it,

is that a lot of companies left. I'm surprised they all stayed up there. Like they can move with their feet. So what happened was in California, we're a tinderbox because all these old towers are sparking and so forth and so on. So the insurance commissioner-

kind of just said to them, "No, you can't raise the rates." And they said, "Fine, we're not gonna do insurance in your particular state. They can just move to other states." So it is a problem. I would like to see all the metrics

But insurance companies, what a hard job to have. I don't need to see any metrics. I just make snap knee jerk judgments and reactions. David, there's always two sides to a coin. I know we've talked about this at some of our dinners and you fell asleep and ordered another mimosa. I was like, but

But David, the way the world works is a little more complicated. But they can't make a profit, so they leave, and then we don't have insurance. Well, they said mine, they're making up, mine probably won't light on fire, they don't think. But they're making up for all the Malibu fires, all the ones in the Valley. So they're taking it out on everyone else. Anyway, should we leave on that downer? Is that the last one? Can we have one more so we're not leaving on a total fucking bummer? Play that one just because we can cut it later. This one? Okay. Is it the guy about the shooting? Yeah, do this one.

This could be from years ago, months ago. Mm-hmm. Okay.

I saw an attempt on his life. This bullet flew by his ear and it came so close to his head that it busted his eardrum. And I saw he fell to his knees during this time frame and he started worshiping the Lord. He got radically born again during this time frame. I'm talking, people say he's saved now, but he becomes really on fire. So this guy's saying this in the past.

And then about an assassination attempt by the ear. This is the vision he saw. If that's true, it didn't bust his eardrum, I think, but that's pretty interesting. Or he's a shooter. I mean, because that's still too accurate. I think the shooter is no longer with us, but... I didn't like seeing shooter pictures on Twitter without a warning. Well, you did. I saw the shooter...

After they hit him they just show he's right on to you. It's too much. I can't see that shit. Hmm I'm a sensitive my cancer 20 year old male from Pennsylvania Yeah, mm-hmm, but he got his popped, you know, you got a head shot. I know I don't want to see it No, hmm. I don't see any I don't wanna see any presidents getting shot on to you. It's crazy. I

Can people, can human beings- Can we get along? If you're looking at like there's eight dimensions and there's four or five dimensions and all these different molecules are going around and atoms and somehow some of us get into this frequency and can literally foretell the future. Oh yeah, maybe. That's the premise of that. Yeah. What do you think? If that's bullshit, say it in YouTube. By the way, you don't have to remind people to tell you negative comments on YouTube.

Okay. So I guess that's it. We did a great job. I told the future once with you. You remember when I was on SNL and you're like, you think I'll make it? I go, you're going to make it big and you're going to have a giant mansion and pantries everywhere and all this, but save money because you're not going to be able to get insurance. Oh yeah. Remember when I said that too? 1991. I go bigger than Sandler and you go, I got to take this call.

No, Sandler and I are probably exactly even in that respect. Well, what is it? I mean, Mr. Beast or Taylor Swift, is it always in show business to be the biggest? How about just being kind of like David Lynch? I'd rather just be... Cool artist. I'm humbly just the best in the world. At my job. One of the richest. At my job, whatever my job is.

I did see Sandler the other night. It was fun. These cantaloupes aren't going to eat themselves. Okay, bye guys. I just want to thank our sponsor. Thank you. You're thirsty. Sponsored by fruit in general. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade. Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.

Hope you liked it.