SUPERFLY #16 - Tabasco-Gate
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's... Because they're naked? Well, it's like the 1800th time you say, on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there, I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it? This year, Dell Technologies' back-to-school event is delivering impressive tech with an inspiring purpose.

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7-15-24 and 9-11-24. And Dell will donate $1.75 for each eligible product within your purchase to ComputerAid, capped at $1.2 million total. For details and restrictions, go to dell.com slash deals. Aside from this hotel possibly 100% being haunted, I don't want to hear children singing when I go to bed. Is that weird, Dan? In a falsetto with little nightgowns on. La la la.

And they're just in a tricycle going around your bed. La, la, la, la. Would you get scared? I said, I said, I didn't want to say anything, but the kids upstairs were noisy and they go, there's no upstairs.

Hey, man. Hey, man. That really boils my blood. I was going to ask you, when you get mad, what do you say? You say, it steams my beans? Oh, no. It steams beans? No, I really got a bee in my bonnet. Really? My dad used to say, oh, Jesus Christ, it gripes my ass. And it was always about nothing, like a parking garage that charges more or something. No, I like, there's grind my gears.

Farley was burn my onion. Is that one? Just to say that. I want to burn my onion. It really burns my onion. I don't know. I think that was it. I look fucking great. But you know what, Dana? I am on the road, so the hair looks pretty good. Wow. Is Heather there with you? Yeah. Oh, of course. I can't do literally anything. Well, it looks good. Let's break it down for people who try to do this. Have you got a ring light? It's not a ring light, Dana. Well, you're just facing the window.

This is just me. With no light? There's no light. All the lights are off. It's pitch black. It's just your inner lights coming out. It's my glow. I have an aura here. Yeah. An outer aura, which is like a ring light. All aura your head in, in a minute. Did your dad ever use that on you when he was around? Yeah, he wasn't that clever. You know what my dad did do, which is funny is,

Because he was a deadbeat dad. But when he would walk by me in our little crummy apartment, we shared a room when I was 18. And I would be in the bathroom and walk by me like this. And he'd poke his head around the corner and go, see anybody you like? Anytime I'm looking at myself.

I see anybody you like, and I go, get out of here, dude. What are you doing? Well, we had five kids, one bathroom. It was hard to get in the bathroom. We had a piece of a mirror this big. We didn't have a bathroom. We had an outhouse. We had to look at our hair in the back of a spoon. So, yeah, my dad would cut our hair and shave our heads. Oh, that's child abuse. In the mid-60s, you want to look like George Harrison?

there's a ufo in the background yeah they're just close by okay so i'll tell you a quick thing this dana i ordered room circus yesterday this is tobacco tabasco right yeah seems harmless enough i'll fuck is that is that a large is that a big jar this is a large who are the dwarfs that make that shit when when women come over i put this next to my wiener i go this is a full bottle

Why do you say Wayne or something? I don't know. It sounds stupider. But this one, first of all, I still don't have it open. I gave this 18 minutes to open and I could not open it. Yeah. I finally sawed this part off with a knife. You can't tell on the white part. Yes. And that didn't help. Whacked it. I went on Instagram. People are like saying, put it in your teeth and go. No, no. I go to my people.

and no one was right. Someone said soak it in the tub. Someone said get a bigger bottle. I don't have it. I have this. This is all I have. And it's sort of like a hexagon, so I need probably a socket wrench. I love this. Finally got one laugh from her. Now, I'll tell you, Dana, today, because I'm such a colossal pussy, I had them open at first. This one, the green part, I got the green part off the top. That was 12 minutes.

Now this came also ketchup. And guess what? I knew how to open that. That one. I've never gotten a plastic ketchup thing apart, man. That thing is good. You got to really, it's got some grooves. So Tabasco gate is fixed. Also, I am the drama of you on the road, the road. I know these are just stories in the road. It doesn't mean they're particularly hysterical, but that, and then have you ever had this?

Aside from this hotel possibly 100% being haunted, I don't want to hear children singing when I go to bed. Is that weird, Dan? In a falsetto with little nightgowns on. And they're just in a tricycle going around your bed. You get scared. I said, I didn't want to say anything, but the kids upstairs are noisy and they go, there's no upstairs. You're on the top floor. I'm like.

Well, that's when you sit up in bed and just as loud as you can go, I am Satan. Oh, my God. I'm too scared to say anything. Oh, really loud. You just sit up. Oh, I can't. I'm not going to get in the haunted part with him because I'll scare him. No, no, no. I'm haunted every night. I mean, I'm... I will tell you what does grind my gears is...

And this is road problems. These are fake problems. We're doing fine. We understand that David's on the road. Saving the cards and letters. Headlighting an amphitheater. But hotels are just interesting. So I get, this is what I don't realize when I hear the creaks and squeaks, is you have your room near the elevator. And I'm backed up to the elevator shaft. So when I'm running...

I'm like, is that an air conditioner? And I realized, oh my God, next day I walk out, I'm backed up to the goddamn elevator and it's all night. And then I start to go, what are these people doing at 4 a.m.? Where are you going? Room service. It's literally 4 a.m. Well, first of all, we'll get you a new travel agent because the first thing you do is, could I get a room not near the elevator? I don't even think of that. You've only been on the road for 40 years and you're finally discovering-

I'm so my list of demands is I can't add to it. Well, let's add it up. Elevator kept you up all night. Tabasco sauce flummoxed you. You actually have a sprained thumb and you can't feel your right hand trying to open it. My clavicle is out. And also I don't have a three 16th socket wrench. Yeah.

You broke your rib on the Heinz ketchup. Open that thing up. No, this thing I really had a... I was okay with, so I was kind of bragging. But also, okay, when I went to Canada last week, this is a stupid one, but I didn't have my passport. We couldn't find it. What's that about? And what it's about is... And I did say Suri, but they were like, there's not a chance you're getting on this plane. And I thought, not to be...

But there's definitely people coming in the country with nothing and they just waltz in. I'm like, you're not going to stop me. I'm okay. I...

Pay my tax. I do everything right. Just let me in. If no one's doing it anymore and I had a banana, that banana is not going to make it. I could go across a border with a gun and I would be fine. Yeah, I can't walk because you can see my banana. That's what she said. No, nobody did. All right. I'm keeping track. Two references to your ding dong.

I'm holding my banana, not like the guy at the gas pumps. Right. To be continued later in the show. Guy's a friend of mine. You got a lot of friends. Yeah. So anyway, I was very flummoxed, as you would say, because I was frustrated that

it's not fair to crack down on one side of the border and not crack down. They're like, let me either walk in or, and then they go, you're going to need that real ID pretty soon. You got to go to the DMV. I'm like, I'm not doing jack shit. How about that?

God, you're like a little rebel. Yeah, fucking crazy. I had that. They wouldn't let me through. And they had me sign autographs. We're big fans. I took pictures. Now can I go through? No passport. Going to Mexico? No. But we'd like a church lady pick if we could. We love you, but I don't know. And they said, not only can't you get on the plane, we want you to get the fuck

Fuck out of this airport. Yeah. I go, what? I like it. What? They go, what would happen if you got into Mexico or Canada? It would be fucking pandemonium. You would ruin this. You'd ruin it. And you're like, yeah, I guess. I was coming out of Acapulco and I didn't have the ticket stub or something. So they took me to a special room to interrogate me. And I thought-

They can do anything. What am I, in an episode of Narcos all of a sudden, just trying to get back to San Diego, if I could, all right? But they were like, hey. They go, what's this hot water balloon filled with cocaine up in front of you? You're like, oh, that's not mine. Why do you want to go on this flight, man? What the fuck? What the fuck? Why do you want to go on this flight? Well, I just want to get back home. You don't got a certificate, man. You got to pick up that certificate.

Where do I get it? In the certificate hut. Yeah. I'll sell you one right now. Yeah. Also, this Seinfeld situation kind of got blown out of proportion this week. It was shootout at Seinfeld. Corral. Corral. Well, first to preface, just to keep the story going in a full circle back to us. This story will never die. It's just one of those stories. Everyone's got an opinion. It's trending. It's trending.

It's not a big deal. I think the problem was Jerry, me and you are friends. We're all friends with Howard. Howard and Jerry are friends. So we're all in the same biz and you don't want to rub someone wrong. Obviously, Jerry was being fun with us. He was being complimentary to us. There was a little shrapnel just because maybe he worded it not perfectly. But we all know Jerry loves Howard. Howard's got a great show. Howard's doing just fine.

And this made me, it was sort of, it got a little out of control, but it was, I think the whole thing was just a smoldering ember, nothing too horrible. If I had to close the book on it, because- We can't. I understood where Jerry was coming from. Sure. But you go on a podcast for 90 minutes-

We don't have a script, folks. I mean, I've had people send me letters going, how do you and David, do you have a teleprompter? This can't be so perfect. It can't be improvised. So then you're saying stuff for like 90 minutes to not have some regrets, podcast regret. But I think that Jerry, in the end of the day, he's very protective and proprietary about what he considers pure standups.

especially stand-ups and comedy. And I remember I told him on that, and now we're repeating it on other podcasts, but I said, Lorne Michaels, Lorne Michaels, he has these things he says, and I'm moving here. He goes, will there be funny people there? Because there's like only 900 of us on the planet. And Jerry didn't,

uh i don't think so so that's just him being protective of us said the wrong things now they're friends yeah i think he's saying just a pure actual touring stand-up comedian that's all yeah but howard is very funny i've listened to howard forever and always makes me laugh he's hysterical he's the king of the king of whatever even even when i did that netflix uh golf tournament whatever stupid thing it was fun bill burr was there and we joked about bill burr because he was

you know, he just rolled in and what he was wearing. And so I called Bill Burr. I said, now I got, now that got, Jerry got me thinking. So I said, oh, Bill, we did some dumb thing about you. We won't put on, we, whatever you want. He goes, I don't give a fuck. He's like, just don't go after my act, which is true. That's,

That's the sore spot. If you go after some comedian's act, that's very mean. I'm just goofing around because we were all golfing and wearing stupid stuff. Does any comedian ever go after someone's act? Or they say their act is soft or they say it's bullshit. That one stings more.

Well, what happens with comedians is because we're all helpless little child and we were the class clown in fourth grade. And so when there's a new kid in town, like toy story, you know, this reflexive thing is, is like, you want to bring them down. Well, I would do it sometimes with, uh, like if Paul and I are watching TV and Brad Pitt comes on, I'll just say something like, um, he's gross. I don't, I don't get it. What's that all about? I don't get it. You know, he goes, I do. Yeah.

She was I do. And that's all that matters. I've had people say that Rob Williams in his prime, just kind of jealous comedians. I don't get it, man. What's he really doing? Yeah. Destroying the room comedically for an hour and a half. I think raping and pillaging every audience. So to close this subject, I'd say that watch your inner child. And remember in the end of the day, just be kind.

Oh boy. That's heavier than I thought. We're going to have a music cue put in on that. Be kind, rewind. I'm a nibbler, Dana. And I think you are too, but you always know me that I just have to keep the energy going. And I think because I learned from my dad, pistachios are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up.

They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Mm-hmm.

Salt, sea salt, vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah. Look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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Well, I want to hear the title because 99% is the title. I don't need to hear what the rally show's about. Okay, it's called America's Next Protester. I'm in. We go across the world with Simon Cowell and Heidi Klum, and we find the best protesters, and we can give them any subject. Or they can audition with anything they want to say. There's too many glass tiles on this building, and they sit, and they don't do anything. All day, they commit.

Man on the street going to where people are protesting? No, just different people auditioning and they wear what they're going to wear and they give us a picture of what they're going to protest. Right. Well, what would you protest? That's the hard part. I don't have anything great. I mean, forget it. I'm not going to bring this up again, but this is a problem. I just don't know if I want to dedicate 15 hours a day and go on a hunger strike. There's wars and famine and all kinds of stuff around the world, but you not being able to get into that tiny Tabasco job...

Plastic thing is big. Let's not downplay it. It's big in my world. And it's also, it's a bit of a shoulder shrugger to most people, but I have problems and I also have solutions. I heard that you went down and took a steam shower with it and your towel fell off. And I stuck this up my butt like the guy at the gas station.

I'd be on your protester show and I would protest too many protesters. We got too many protesters. That's a good idea. So you're going to be an EP. Next thing is, what is the name, if we can pull up the

Meghan Markle and Prince Hank. Prince Harry Styles. Prince Harry have a new company and it's called something very, not ostentatious. Oh yeah, it is. American Riviera Orchard Jelly. It's just jelly? Wow. I'm getting jelly just talking about this. That's a mouthful and I'm not talking about the jelly. Yeah. American Riviera Orchard Jelly.

Jelly, huh? You know what I think is an easier one? That's my jam. That's not bad, right? That's all right. That's my jam. It's quicker. This has to sound so affluent and heavy and ostentatious. I would have named it They Hate Me Because I Mixed Raised Jelly. Oh, that's true. Yeah.

They hate me because I'm kind of a princess. Jelly. They wouldn't give me a therapist when I needed it. Jelly.

I was on Suits, then I was a princess. I could be on Suits reboot right now, which is my idea. I think she should go on Suits and make a killing. It's already a number one show. Join it. She should go on. And before that or during that, she should go on. Hey, Howie, I'm ready to do Deal or No Deal. If she did a goddamn I'm on Deal or No Deal again, the one on the island jelly. Yeah.

I think that would be a good show. Yeah. I'm on New Deal or No Deal again on the island jelly. It's not Howie Mandel jelly, but it is a good show. You got to trend. If it's outrageous, it's contagious. If it's boring, no one's going. What about mine? I'm going to pitch to Prince Hank and I'm going to walk in like it's Shark Tank and I'm going to go, hey, sharks, Megan and Harry.

What if you're driving down the 405 and you're starving and you've got a bagel? Wouldn't you like to pull out some traffic jam?

And then I just wait. I get 100% of the money. You get zero. Do you want in? Okay, so I'll be Mark Cuban. So what do you... I've never tried to do one. Do Prince Harry. Do Prince Harry. So you actually have real jam in your car? Yeah, he gets it. Megan, are you in? It's in the glove compartment. You take it out and you go, oh, I'm glad I brought my traffic jam. I don't like it. I love it. Makes me clap. That's more like it. Yeah. Let's give him a million.

million pounds and he goes megan we're not we don't talk in pound and you don't either you were never you were only there three weeks hey uh listen megan this is not gonna i like the whisper guy this is not gonna work megan oh man that's prince that's harry because when he whispers he's not even english that's the nurse thing if she saw that she my nurse character she'd go oh

Ah, yeah. He has jam in his car and there's a traffic jam. I got to tell the doctor. You have to tell the doctor? She has to tell the doctor everything. That's right. The doctor's got to know. Can I introduce a new character? A nice guy with a catch in his throat.

I hate it already. Go ahead. Yeah. Yeah. So we went and saw it. We went and saw David Spade. Like he's really kicking it, man. His act is really funny. And we're really laughing all the time. What's your name? That's a catch. Nice guy with a catch in my throat. A nice guy with a catch in my throat. It's a new character. It's not bad. It sounds a little like Shaggy.

It sounds a little like Shaggy. No, Shaggy goes, oink, Scoob. Oh, Scoob. I can't believe it's Scoob. Scoob, I can't believe they neutered you. Little Scooby. All right, and now for the Beatle news. Wait, Scooby, I can't believe they neutered you. Go ahead. I can't believe they neutered you. Hi, I'm Scooby-Doo. That was Casey Kasem's greatest character. And he sounded nothing like him.

He sounded like actual Casey case. What was the dog went? It didn't talk. Basically. That was Scooby, right? And then he could talk as well. It's been a while for me. Yeah. He goes, Scooby. He goes, scoops. Why don't you try helping?

Velma's leg, he's like, have you seen her? What are we going to do about this, Scoob? She's hot. Oh, I see. For our generation, our rated Scooby-Doo cartoon with the exact same animation. Well, come on, Scoob. You got to wear a condom. I wouldn't say that. Of course. We're ruining our childhoods by bringing this up. Velma. Scoob, if you notice, Velma's hot.

I like Daphne. I met Casey Case in one. Oh, he also had. OK, keep going. You do your Beatles news. Beatles news today. Hello. Hello. Here we are with the Beatles news. It's all over everywhere. Donald Trump is in trial, you know. So apparently the whole story is he shagged a bird.

About 16 years ago, you know, and it was all over the telly because she wanted to see if she could get a shakedown on him. You know, she said, hold on. I'd like some money. You know, I'd like some pounds of quid. So he hired. It's very complicated. He hired a guy named Cohen, the fixer, to give us some pounds.

To keep it quiet, you know. And then the election came because Trump was on a bus with Billy Bush.

And he said he could grab ladies, private parts, lovely ladies, whatever he felt like it. So that was like a no-no. People go, hold on. Don't know if we want him for president. Private parts. So then Stormy Daniels, who performs on the telly to get money, anyway, she said, I'd like some more, please. So they paid her some money. They're saying, did Trump do it or did the fixer do it? So I don't really know, but he's...

He's keeping it from his wife for doing it to not get elected. That was way too long. No, it's good because I like how you watered down Stormy Daniels is just on the telly doing some entertainment. Yes. You mean porn?

Yeah, she gets on the telly and they have cameras. She takes off her blouse or whatever. And, you know, she's shagged by a gentleman coming in. And then they cut away. And that's her job. Shagged by a gentleman. Calling. That is a nice way to put everything. I like that. That's all the Beatles or is that Paul?

I just call it the Beatle News. Let's try something just off the cuff. You or Heather, give me a news story and I'll try to Beatle-size it. Anything, doesn't matter. Okay, the portal to Dublin in Times Square.

What? The portal? I don't know what that is. Okay. Well, explain it. Is it like a little ride you go in? They put a huge eight foot circle that you can walk up to and you can see people in Dublin. It's kind of crazy. Oh, that's...

i love that new york all the way to dublin this is the portal a new public art installation that connects the two cities by letting you peek right into the streets of dublin it's happening live so you can even interact with people on the other side the portal is located on the flat iron south plaza directly next to the flat iron building it runs 24 7 and will be here for six months

In New York, be mindful of the five-hour time difference. I would avoid going late at night as it will be in the middle of the night in Ireland, but I guess it could also be interesting. Either way, be sure to stop by and say hi when you're in the area. Already closed, Dana. Already closed. Because it is like a flasher's dream. You know, some guy, oh, look, I had a bunch of Guinnesses. That's exactly what happened.

So they made a portal. You wave. They wave back. Goes right into it. And you go, are they really there? Are they really there? And you try to punch through, but they can't really. Is it a mirror? What is it? Yeah. What they did was they put a monkey and a dog next to it, and they started barking, and they thought they got really disorientated because it wasn't real people. They could smell them.

Oh, the monkey and the dog. Yeah, animals probably wouldn't like that. Oh, the monkey and the dog. Okay. This girl's flash your boobs to it.

because she and she told dr phil she'd rather die hot than live ugly i don't know what that is oh so this i didn't know this story was coming up about someone using it to flash okay yeah that's why you said you said that's what they're gonna ruin i'm like that's what happened some girl did this showed her boobs just to get to boost up her only fans and then some other guy held his phone up right to the camera and it was

Either September 11th, it was trade. I don't even know what his point was, but it was like offensive. And of course. Well, here's what I would do. I'd find a badass AI.

And I'd show the AI the Dublin portal. I'd say, AI, I'll give you five days to make it so that people can walk through the portal and go from Dublin into New York and New York to Dublin. Farewell, United Airlines. Yeah, that's a great one. So long, Qantas Airways.

So long, Southwest. We're stepping through a portal. No tightening in your seatbelt because there's light chop. All you do is step through the portal. Bye-bye, British Airlines. So long, the bar is closed.

Bye-bye, barf bag. Bye-bye, David Spade bit. No, bye-bye you can still say before you go in the portal. Oh, yeah, you can still do that. Yeah, we'll put you on SNL. Thank God. Keep that bit alive, Dana. We'll put David Spade. Oh, David's coming in next week. He's going to do the bye-bye bit, but with a portal. I feel like it's time. This is the week.

Okay, so what about the portal? Oh, yeah, that's good. I like the portal. And yeah, get AI off its ass. I mean, I don't care if they can make little memes. Fix that. Transport. No, if it's going to scare the shit out of us, let it do something crazy great. Let's go big. Tired. It can process the entire information in the history of the world in a billionth of a second. So let's get busy.

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We've done your homework. This is not AI, but you wish it was. This is a video going around this week of a guy. I don't think it's John Goodman, but this is a guy at a gas station, and he's just kind of doing his own thing. Okay. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going to fire you. So the guy sees him. He's putting the gas pump up his butt. Yeah, it's all bad, Dana. But this has infected my feed. Now you have to see it.

So that guy, I can't unsee it. I know. Obviously the most surprising thing is his butt takes diesel. I didn't know that. Can we just, well, let's just in a hard PG 13, describe it to our drivers who are listening. What did we just see, David? There's a gentleman. Really? I'll just say it up front. It seemed like a very nice guy. Yeah. A gentleman in a trucker hat, a little portly, uh,

uh with his pants on his ankles at a gas station and he is uh rubbing his privates with his left hand and with his right hand surprisingly he takes the diesel gas pump out and sticks it up his behind and then someone yells from across the street which we couldn't hear but they yell and he turns around and goes up funds over and then he puts it back on the tank doesn't even give it a

you know, once over with a paper towel. All I can say is if I had a dollar for every time I've seen this scenario... This is filming up by your house. How many people have dropped their drawers, touched their privates, stuck the pump up their ass? It happens all over. No, I don't know. That guy...

I just am really surprised that Bill Burr would do that. I just want to be supportive of this because I'm a perv, but that one doesn't do anything for me. The truth is he did look a little like John Lovitz, right? Could have been. That was Lovitz. No way. Way.

I've got a new way. I just got a text from Loveth. He heard what he just said, and he said, Balderdash. Balder who? Let's see if we have any other videos. What else do I want to say to you? I have a couple of things. Oh, yeah, let's hear it. We got lots. We got lots. Someone wrote me a, I'm going to get my super glasses on, a red, redneck joke from a nice person, Charbel Allen. Okay.

He wrote me a Red Rednecky joke. Let's see what you think. Yeah. I'm Red Rednecky, the redneck comedian. The other day, my cousin Earl was showing off his brand new mobile phone. I said, that's nothing. My whole home is mobile. Come on, get some. Okay. Not bad. It was clean. We got Red Rednecky off the sidelines. He kind of laid low for a couple weeks. Yeah. Red Rednecky. Like, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, Red Red Nekia exists at all times in my mind. He doesn't want too much press. He comes out when he's needed. Let me do a series of earthquakes because I kind of miss my- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to do a series. I'll start out- I like this idea. With a-

It's just different people from around the world, like we are the world, how they would react to earthquakes. I want you to give me one when I think I know what you're doing. Yeah, you think of one. I think of your one you were about to do, but go ahead. You do yours first, and then I'll steal yours. Okay, and then you're going to do another one. All right, good. I'll just go back to my... Well, maybe I should do a new one. Okay, here's an Indian man...

Talking to someone and then an earthquake hits in India. Oh, it's something. It's singing. No, no, no, no.

Oh, he's okay? Wait. I apologize to people. Nobody gets hurt in these, right? No one really gets hurt. They survive. They survive at the end. I'll do Japan. That'll just be mine. Okay.

god damn

God, he calms down quickly. That was like a 9-9. I broke my laptop. I broke my laptop. Okay, here's an Anglo, British guy. Yes, well, I can't wait for it. I really can't. Oh, shit, it's an earthquake.

Oh, mother. In England? Mother. I'm British, but I'm in Japan. Oh, you live in town? Oh, you're in Japan? I want to hear you do one. I'll do the one I'm stealing from you. Please do. This is a press junket. This is... Got to get the whole thing settled. I'm going to see how you do this technically. Okay. Okay.

Mr. Walken, can you tell us a little about your character? Wow. Whoa. Whoa, no. Smart. Is it over? Continue. I thought he would be perfect as a quick one. That's funny. I know. You're doing him longer and I go, he only has one word. Yeah. So I couldn't think of anything. Plus I can't do him.

now now louder's better god now now now there you go it's over yeah mine needs fixing greg can trim it down no i like it it's silly i couldn't think fast enough well yours was great because you did it kind of soft no i like yes because um because oh there's my press junket that was good

It's start out slow and build. I started mine at a 10 and that's why they probably won't make the final cut. I want that Japanese one that long. So we can't cut it. Well, that's I probably will at this point, just for you fans out there, retire the Japanese earthquake guy. I just wanted to blow it out one time.

Well, I don't know why you're talking crazy like that. That's so good. Well, why on account would I talk crazy like that? All right. Give me another one. Give me another thing. Subject. What do you got? Anything? Or do we have just videos to play? You got stuff. What about Trump versus Biden? Oh, we should talk about that because that just came out an hour ago.

That Biden came on. Come on. An hour ago. That was last Wednesday, an hour ago. Oh, yeah. Hey, man, we're getting closer to our release date. It's too bright. But Biden came out. Well, come on. I'll debate you anywhere, anytime. Come on. Make my day. That was his direct quote. I like how he's tougher now. You know, he's got some confidence. He's walking in a helicopter. They're like, hey, you hear what Trump said? He's like, fuck that guy.

You know what I mean? He's like anytime, anywhere. I know he was pretty loud and aggressive. I guess they read the tea leaves. People think he's too old or whatever. So I think if he stayed in the union, Biden, he'd be pretty strong. You know, I'll beat the hell out of you. Take him out of woodshed.

Trump's like, I'll go with you anytime. Let's go many rounds. Let's go many rounds. I can't wait. I'll take you down so hard you'll be crying all the way for your mama. Trump doesn't sleep and Biden sleeps all the time. That's what I picture. Trump's like at 3 a.m. texting, thinking of Twitters. He literally is a three hour a night guy. But I don't know. I mean, I think that's

Biden will probably, I bet they don't debate. I think it's a- Oh, really? Biden's got to get that go-go juice. Whatever. Maybe it's just a good nap because sometimes they forget he's 82. Hey, Mr. President, you have 45 events today. We're going to fly to seven states. And Biden's so stubborn. He's like, I can do it. I'll fly all over. Anybody give a speech all day long. And by the end of the day, you know what happens. Where's everybody going? What's going on?

Yeah. I don't know. I'm going to Vegas this weekend. Even that one hour trip, I'll be like, you know, the time change. I'm tired. Even though they go that same time I go, I know, but I was born in Michigan and it's two hours later and I just haven't adjusted. And you have your magic juice right before you go on stage, right? Yeah. You're a little whatever you do. You get it. I'm going like this now, folks. I'm going, I'm going, this is what you used to do.

I'm holding the mic in my hand, people in your cars. Took me two years to buy this. I took the mic off the stand. I want to lean back in my cool shirt. Fuck, my hair looks cool today because I had a did yesterday for this thing. We shot something yesterday up here in Kansas. Well, what's with the hat then, if it looks cool? The hat's stupid, but I have such a headache because of all the rigmarole I was doing yesterday and I slept like dog shit. I feel like fuck pie. So I'm just...

I just had to rally myself to do this. And I can't believe I'm still a 10 out of 10. I put you at a 12.

Oh, you know what? We should tell people. We're trying to get Dr. Stephen Greer on the show next week or the week after. Whoa. Talk about UFOs. I would love to talk about UFOs. Where's Spade? It's like, where's Waldo? Oh, this is funny. Let me explain this picture because it always comes up on my Instagram. Okay. This caught me off guard, but I did want to talk about this. The shy guy on the right

It's not Guy Fieri. It's Mark McGrath, Sugar Ray. Yes, know him well. There's Spade looking crazy. There's Eminem and there's Kid Rock. Now, this is the...

Joe Dirt premiere. And what happened was there's a little bit of a kerfuffle and confusion because I invited all these people to the premiere. So my PR play said, anybody you want. So the cast have just shoot me and these people and all my friends and family and blah, blah. Those never went out. So for some reason, this screw up, horrible screw up. I get to the premiere. And the only reason these people are here is because we all drove together.

And so in a limo, old school limo, not a Hummer, like a low one, like pick up Kid Rock, pick up Eminem, Eminem's nephew, Nate, I think was his name. And we all went and it was a fucking blast. But I go, where's everybody else? And Sean Penn came with his kid because I told him anyone I didn't see in person and tell didn't know about it. So.

you know, 40 people that were like show busy celeb types didn't come. So it's really just us, which looks bad, but it was definitely fun people. And then I look crazy. I wore like this flannel shirt. Is that, are you wearing sunglasses at night? I'm wearing sunglasses in the day. I think that. Oh, it's inside. We got there when it was sunny. Yeah. I think it looks cool. I just love that. Were there M&Ms in the limo? Did he bring any M&Ms? Yeah.

Kid Rock, normally it's required you have small rocks in the car. M&M's, M&M's. Yes. And you need dirt. I think they're on moon rocks, which is like Molly. Every time people do moon rocks, I'm like, what are those again?

They used to be a candy, Dana. That's how old I am. But now Moonrocks. So we did the movie and then we were going to the after party here. But I wore these old glasses that I thought were like Kurt Cobain-y. I just thought they were cool. I think they're women's, yeah. But anyway, I see this show up and it really just sums up the old days. But it was super fun. What does that make you feel? I'll be your therapist for a second. Regret? Shame? Joy? Scared child. Yeah.

No, I didn't know Joe Dirt, if it would work or whatever. We just saw it, and it works, of course, in a premiere because it's like a paid audience, basically. Wasn't Joe Dirt, I'm just going to call it, isn't it sort of a classic? Because people refer to it, to me all the time.

Yeah, I mean, I think it didn't make $100 million in the theater, but it made it on video. Yeah, that's back when you could do a movie, and then it comes out on video and can make $100 million just because every time someone goes to Walmart. The people that wanted to make the sequel...

The first offer we had was from Walmart, not a studio. They said, we will sell this in two seconds. Give us a sequel. We'll put it up right by everyone. They said the DVD sells the same every month. It doesn't go down. So everyone just grabs it, grabs it. They go, we need another one. They'll grab two. And so we almost made a movie with Walmart, which is crazy, especially back then. A collab.

And now we're working on a Joder cartoon. But I think... Haven't you already done a Joder? I can't believe you haven't done one by now. A cartoon? I know. It feels like a good idea. We started to do it and then everything fell apart. I think it was COVID related. Could I play kind of a red, redneck character that on your adventures you run into him? Yeah, that's a good idea. I would like that. I'm a redneck comedian. You can't go wrong with the Dana Carnaby voice. When your name...

I'm a catchphrase machine. Come on. You could take any ratty little catchphrase that you left in the fucking gutter that you couldn't get on and bring it on. Repeat it. Repeat it. Mix. I'm repeated guy.

All I exist to do is say catchphrase. Come and get some, come and get some, come and get some. How about SNL when people would put a sketch in and it was a repeating character? And if it didn't work on page one, it was 18 pages of blibbity-blobbity. I'm blibbity-blobbity. I'm flippity-floppy. I'm a grumpy old man and I don't like things now compared to the way they used to be.

That was actually funny. But when you hear a guy go, and I got caught in a mousetrap. And then he says it 50 times and was like, we didn't buy it the first time. And now we hate it. I know. At the end, Lauren's like, all hat, no cattle. What is it? All hat, no cattle. That's a Montana phrase of a guy, a showboater guy trying to be bigger than he is. It's all like a guy wears a cowboy hat, but he doesn't have a ranch. Well, there's no there, there.

It's just a showboater. You know about that. I do like those terms, showbiz terms. When you do joke on a joke, people call it a hat on a hat. You pitch a joke and you go, it's kind of a hat on a hat. Like we already have a funny joke. We don't need another one.

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I know. And it's not learning a language when you're older, you know, over the age of 20 is difficult. You know, I mean, all the high school Spanish I took a grade school Spanish, you know, all I can say is Ola and hasta luego. So it goes out of your head. So now you have Rosetta stone, David, tell them about it. Well, Dana, you know, more than anyone trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users in 25 languages. Uh, I mean, my gosh, uh,

They have Spanish, French, Italian, German. I don't think you can throw them a curveball. I think they're going to know. What don't they have? The language you want. Yeah. And immerses you in many ways. There's no English translations. You know what I'm saying?

I know no English. You need a Rosetta Stone for English. No English translation, so you really learn to speak and listen and think in that language. That's the whole idea of Rosetta Stone is that it sticks to your head. It sticks to your brain. I learned German out of a book. It just doesn't stick as hard, so this is the way to do it. Designed for long-term retention.

There's a true accent feature. It gives you feedback on your pronunciation. Yes. And of course, there's desktop app options. There's an audio companion and ability to download lessons offline. Yeah, so that's great. Lifetime access to all 25 language courses Rosetta Stone offers for 50% off. A steal! And I do think that the off-label thing that... I'm ad-libbing now, going off script.

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You just visit rosettastone.com slash fly. That's 50% off, unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your life. Redeem your 50% off at rosettastone.com slash fly today. Oh, the graduation names. Let's play this. Okay. This is a real graduation, and they mess up the names. Victoria Zubeth-Bross. Jessica Bower.

Alessuna Bishop. Allison Campbell. For people in their cars, they are getting it really wrong. That's Thomas Michael Cannavari Jr. Was that real? That's real from New York. Wow. But they said somebody was in the prompter and they gave them wrong pronunciations. So someone's just not looking at the name. They're just reading pronunciations. They should have looked at the name too. Davad Spadai.

I've had worse. That'd be you. I mean, when they bring you up, Dan Garney, that's not really your name. I got a lot of Dana Garney, Dana Garney in the early days of standup. And Dana, are you a girl? Are you a girl? Dana, Dana, Dana Carvey, Dana Garno. And yours is always David Spade, Spada, Spada. They'd really, really mess up and call me Flip Wilson. Who called you Spudly first? Dennis.

Dennis Spudley. Okay. Spudley and Spadoodle. Oh, Kevin Neal, I think calls me Spadoodle. Um,

Spudly. Spudnick. Spudly. What's up, kids? Having fun on that little video clip thing you're putting out? Sounds good. Still called, named after an insect of some time. What's the sequel on Arthropod? Come on now. Do the Caterpillar podcast, okay? Spud. Spud, the Just Shoot Me got canceled. They mowed down your money tree? Ha ha ha!

Somebody cut down a money tree in the backyard. Can we have Dennis on Superfly? We got to have Dennis again. Just for five minutes and have him just talk about stuff. But I did just see on my phone that Biden wants the Can't Believe It's Not Butter company to sponsor the... That's nice. Yeah. This debate between me and Donald Trump is brought to you by Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

There you go. He should have, they should have a collab. I can't believe it's not Biden. Or I can't believe that's Biden. I can't believe that's Biden. He comes out every time he comes out looking different. They're like, is this the guy? I want the degradation of manners and politeness in American society to devolve even further. I want them literally grappling. I want,

I'm going to hit you now, Joe. I'm going to hit you hard. You're going to be crying all the way down. I got strong hands. I used to work on a Mustang in 1942. I'll strangle you. I think it should just be a Dana White should produce the things. Put them in the ring. Put them in. I got to take down. I got moves like you wouldn't believe. I can strike on top and I can take you to the floor. What about sumo diapers? They wear those things. They just wrestle each other.

And Biden already has a diaper on, so he wouldn't even have to. What a burn. Who's going to do better? I apologize for that joke. Is Trump Biden going to out score Mike Tyson, Jake Paul? What's good. Who's going to watch more? Boy, that. Yeah. We have to get Tyson on here. Yeah. You know, the thing about Tyson, I remember this. He always was, uh,

He'd act tough before the fight. Then he'd beat the hell out of the guy. And then he was so sweet afterwards. I like that about Tyson because before the fight, he's like, yeah, I'm going to kill your whole family. I hit you so hard. Your whole family is going to be hurt. I'll kill your whole family with my fist. And then he beats the hell of the guy and goes, yeah, I really like you. I thought you had a great fight. I'd like to knit a sweater for you. Maybe a vest sweater. I'll make a sweater for you.

That's after the fight. Come on, Spade. I'm laughing at it because I'm trying to add to it. Oh, I know what you're doing. I didn't do that, too. Come on, let me come over to the park. Let me push you on the swing. Yeah, before the fight, my fist is going to kill you. I'm going to break your brain. I'm going to break everything. After the fight, it's like, do you want to go to the park and do the seesaw? Let's do the seesaw. Let's do the seesaw. I know Reese Witherspoon. Come with my book club. You always want to be a good loser.

You know? Good loser, gang. Well. For Christ's sakes. All right, what else you got? You got a bee in your bonnet? Is that it? What else we got loaded up? Let's play something if we have anything left. People are like, God dang. Some of this stuff's evergreen. What is this guy? Let me see. Oh, I thought these two guys were funny. These guys committed the ultimate crime and they confessed 30 years later. Okay. All right, how y'all doing?

Well, I can't say our names, but this is me, me and Robert. And if you had your locker stacked in the '80, maybe '79 to '81. - At the Sulphur High School, you're looking at the culprits. - We did it. It was us. And y'all never knew. Y'all, if you see this video and you're from Sulphur, we stacked your lockers. - And it was funny to watch y'all kick all your shopping bags down the hallway.

Yeah, but we did that. We never got caught. Remember when the principal threatened us, we're going to catch you? Yeah. Well, he didn't catch us. The statute of limitations run out, so you can't do nothing now. Yeah, that's funny, wasn't it, though? Yeah. Bye, y'all. They didn't change at all. They're the exact same guys who were at 17. What does it mean, stacked? Is that steel? Oh, that means when you poop diarrhea through the vents of their locker.

Is that right? You're like, oh, this story just got unfunny. No, that's not. I think it, I don't know what it means. What does it mean, Heather? Oh, they shove like papers in the vents. It's so dumb. I don't know. I guess they pack it full. And there ain't a thing you can do about it. And we got us. We got it. Not statue of limitations is all gone. So we can do this all night long. I also put a straw in your hamburger. I.

I know you have a 24-hour fitness locker, and I snuck in there last Wednesday, come two-week Tuesday, and I stacked that up with ball bales. Ain't a thing you can do about it. That's a catchphrase. That's so funny. I took your otter pups out of the freezer and let them melt.

Remember when I got you in a headlock and gave you a noogie for like 45 minutes in the parking lot in Winston, Mississippi? You can't do a thing about it. Statue of limitations. Remember we blew up the principal's car and six people died from the shrapnel? Yeah, that was us.

Oh, that one's actually bad. Remember when I had a toy gun and I held the whole school hostage for four hours and the SWAT team and the narcs were even afraid of me? You remember that? Statue of limitations, none of you do. Go fuck yourself. We're still buddies, too. We're up to all kind of craziness. They're so happy, that many of you. Remember when I dropped a pencil and looked up your skirt? Ain't a thing.

Statue of Libertation. Go on. Hey, man, I unsnapped your browsier. Hey, take that Me Too movement. You got a statue of limitation. This is where we need Chris Farley to just blow it out bigger than God. Remember the time, remember we were at the drive-in movie and I got the second base? Ain't a thing you can do.

All right. That's a good one. That was a lot of energy. No, I like those guys because they were really crafty. They were like, we got up to some shenanigans. Yeah. We got this. It's almost Bill Cosby. We did the better shenanigans at the school. I just love that they're so happy saying it. We got you. I mean, they seem like- Well, they got it off their chest. They're cheerful people. If you can celebrate the shit show that's called high school with that much aplomb, I-

They're living with guilt for how long, and now they're finally free. You know what someone would say to me? Hey, Dana Garno, remember when I jacked you up against the Lanka, and then my friend, we held you upside down and shook you to get you lunch money? Remember that? Ain't a darn thing you can do about it. The guy goes, that was me. And you go, I know it was you, dick. And he's like.

You figured it out? Yeah, you're right in front of me. Yeah. I knew you. Well, I have to say, I knew you were going to shave me down, so I have Monopoly money in my pockets. All right, that's it. That's it? I got a million things to do. That's it. It's been two and a half hours. It's fun. I don't want to. I don't want to. I didn't want it to end. I had no place else to go. I still got to fly back.

Look at his hair, though. I can't get over it. I like it. You want it to look like it just happens on its own organic time. I look a little fucking blanched out. I look like one of the golden gals. Well, now you can do this from the road. Any hotel in America, you can do super fly. Oh, yeah. Super fly still flies. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I realize I do make sounds, but Dana, this is where we're similar. You make sounds that sound like people, and I make sounds that sound like inanimate objects. So it is similar. Whatever's funny, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

Give me an accent. What was that? I was in the middle of that guy, but he had something, he had a tongue, he had a lisp or something. He had a speech impediment. I was British up across. I'm one of the most powerful people in Great Britain, but I do have this speech impediment. There's not a damn thing I can do about it. Is that Prince Charles? No, it's just...

Holy shit, another fucking... Oh, and there's an earthquake? Oh, they happen once in a while. No harm, don't worry. It's nothing... Nothing to worry about. It's fine. Motherfucker. God damn it. Could someone stop this incessant trembling? I don't... Trembling. Who would have thought that shaking the laptop... I love it. I can't almost get enough of it. I like that it came back at the end.

All right. We'll see you next week. And I'll be in Vegas this weekend at the Venetian. And then I go to Atlanta, Savannah and Charleston. All right. Thanks, everybody. And Dana, I will see you soon, buddy. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade. Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.