We met beyonce…!!!!??
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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, small more. Welcome to this episode of American Intercom. Why would you do the clap after? Would you ever wear dead people's clothing? Hell no.

Hell no. Oh, Virginia is for lovers. That's funny. You've never been there, motherfucker. Yeah, because Virginia is the worst fucking place on earth. No, I got it because my mom was borned there. Is she actually? Yeah, she's from Virginia. If you think about it, we're all from Virginia. No, that's not how you say that. It's Virginia. Then why am I fucking wearing this shit? No, I'm not going to say it.

Say, say, say, say. No, I was going to barn. It was going to be really bad. No, please just say it. You already prefaced. You know it was a barn. Just let it be. I wasn't like, I did one of these on the couch the other night and it was really bad. But I was like, oh, I'm going to get all up in your Virginia. Like I was trying to do like Virginia. Like, you know how we say like, I'm going to get all up in ya. Yeah. I was trying to do that with Virginia. But the vagina part already happens at the beginning of that. So like. I have one. It just doesn't work.

Y'all love bath and body works. How about you put your body in a bath and go to work? Challenge. Did you actually make that up? No. Fuck, dude. I thought. No, I wish I did. I wish I did. I should have fucking claimed it because that's like an obscure ass meme. That's a really good one. But yeah, I had that written down for Drew's Sayop Corner from just like,

screenshotting you um yeah you would have never made that up because i don't know the last time i was within a five foot radius of bed and bath and body work bed bath and beyond works yeah what is it called bed bath body the only reason i know bed bath and beyond is from the movie click yeah yeah that's like literally the only reason why why did they use a real franchise store in that

I really just know Bed Bath & Beyond was in it. And I don't remember the timeline of like Click at all. Like I don't know what happened in that movie. I remember. I think he gets into a fight with his wife. Ugh, Mondays. And then goes to Bath & Beyond. Oh, Bed Bath & Beyond. I actually don't know why he ends up there. I know he gets into a fight and he's like, I'm so pissed I'm going to go to Bed Bath & Beyond. He finds like the remote there, I guess. Yeah, a creepy man gets in there. I know, it's because he goes to the Beyond section, right?

Is that what it is? Okay, then that is really funny. Wait, Beyonce. Good transition into we went to the Beyonce concert. Y'all, that was. It was so mid. That was like. Okay, it was mid. It was mid until she brought me backstage with her and Jay. Yeah. That was.

That was like the movie part of it because like walking through the SoFi Stadium tunnels was just like a crazy fucking experience because like it is like a megalith. Like it is a giant structure. Like if you have megalophobia, like do not go in the tunnels with Beyonce because like it really does feel like a liminal space. I was really worried that she would be too tired to hang out because she was like performing so crazy. Yeah, no. So I was like, dude, there's no way she's like we're actually going to get that text where it's like, oh, like come here and like –

come backstage. But we did and it was cool and it blew Ivy on. She was so nice. She was so fucking sweet. But actually that concert was fucking insane. I've said this 12 times and I have not stopped talking about it since then. It was so funny because before the concert Josiah was like, oh I'll get us tickets, I'll get us tickets, don't worry about it. And I knew it wasn't going to happen because it's like the most

anticipated concert of our lifetime and like we were we kind of just wrote it off and we were like if we get tickets we get tickets like but I want good tickets and I'm not spending that much money on a ticket whatever so like two hours before the concert we're like we're all just like bro like I don't even need to go like

this i like it's like i'll see videos of it on tiktok like i don't need to go like we don't sit in the fucking house after we get drunk and watch fucking beyonce music videos and performances

Every single night. Yeah, without fail, if we are in this house, even slightly inebriated, every single Beyonce music video will get played. And we will watch through the whole thing. And each time we will be like, holy shit. And like, I already know how it goes. We put it on. I look up how old she was in the video. And I'm like, oh my God, like, okay, I need to start doing something. Like, I don't know.

I literally like it always like goes down that rabbit hole. But I think we were doing that because it felt so unobtainable that we were just accepting our losses. I was just like, it's okay. It won't be her last tour. I'll see her eventually. It's just not in my cards. I've already accepted the loss of Baychella. I can accept this. Yeah, no, like and that's that's the final thought in my head was like, okay, like,

I didn't see Beychella. And, like, if I don't see this, I will be watching Renaissance tour videos on the couch in three years being like, fuck, I should have gone. And I think they're doing a documentary of it. And, like, it just literally, like...

And then eventually we were just like, fuck it, let's get tickets. And then we looked and they were like $2,500 for Club Renaissance. And we were like, fuck that. Like, I'd rather die than do that. And then we looked like an hour before the show and

And the tickets for Club Renaissance, people were just trying to sell them off and make any little bit of profit they could. And we got them for like at cost. I think even below cost of what they sold for. Yeah, we got like such a good deal. We bought the tickets. And then we literally were at a coffee shop being like, dude, there's nothing to do today. Like, I guess we're just going to go home and sit down. And then on the car ride back, I just hear Drew be like,

The tickets are so fucking cheap right now. And I was like, buy them, buy them, buy them. Yeah.

And then, like, because we all got on our phone to buy them, they, like, jumped up because the fucking scalpers were watching and seeing that people were adding into their car. They jumped up and then we were like, fuck, dude. And then we just got so honed in on the fact that we were like, I am not missing this fucking concert. Are you stupid? I'm not going to miss this fucking concert. So we all came home and we would, like, every 10 minutes recheck the tickets on one phone. And then finally Drew found the tickets again for a really good price. We got the tickets and we literally...

Got ready in 20 minutes and then left the house again. Yeah. So that's why we didn't throw fits. Because I saw someone, like, in the comments of a video of me, like, in the pit, like, waving. They were like, where's Drew's outfit? And I was like, girl, I literally left 20 minutes before the fucking show started. Like, I did not have... I put my silver on and that's that. Like, let me fucking win, bro. We were not supposed to go. We wore what we were wearing all fucking...

Yeah, literally. Like, we came home, brushed our teeth, and fucking left again. But yeah, like, not to make this the dedicated Beyonce episode, but that concert was, like, a generational, like, once-in-a-lifetime event that, like, I will literally never see anything like that again or be a part of something like that again. Like,

Like, planning that show and just, like, being the person that, like, choreographed everything for Beyonce, like, was just such a magical moment for me. Oh, yeah. Like, watching it all unfold. Yeah, watching it unfold. No, but legitimately, like, it was, like...

Like, the greatest event I'll ever go to in my life. And I was telling them after, I was like, fuck, dude. Like, now every concert I go to, no matter who the person is, it will never be that because no one will ever do that again in my lifetime. Like, no one has the swag. No one has the drive. Like, no one is the fucking boss. Like, no one has God behind them in a way Beyonce does. Like, it's fucking crazy. I know. She is, like, such...

She's so beyond any performer I've ever seen and that's the crazy thing is I feel like I've been to so many fucking concerts I am definitely a concert goer So it is by no exaggeration to say that is the best concert I have ever fucking been to and I've been I feel like I've been to really good concerts where I'm standing there I'm like this is insane, but no one compares to what that felt like also I

As people who just grew up watching and listening to Beyonce, my first CD that I interacted with other than the Enya CDs was the B-Day album. So also her doing Get Me Bodied was so insane. I'm pretty sure she did Green Light too, but I'm not- Green Light! Green Light! Wait, did she fucking predict squad games? Squidge games? It was so fucking insane. Also, I sobbed at her and Blue Ivy. It made me-

so happy. It definitely triggered intense, intense abandonment and mommy issues deep inside of me, but I was so happy watching that. Like, I'm not kidding. I was like, oh my god, this is like insane. You're so warm. Thank you. I know, I like actually... What else is warm? What the hell? Are you asking about my fucking cooter? Yeah. It's actually cold. I keep it on ice. Or else it'll start really smelling funny. Guys...

Oh, damn. Is that... When is that from? Hey, though. 2013. And then we got one from 2013 as well saying, Woman Crush Wednesday. Rite of passage to call your pop idol your woman crush Wednesday. He's not gay. He wants to have sex with Beyonce. That's literally it. Like, leave me the fuck alone. She's so hot. I mean, she literally is like the hottest person on planet Earth. And that confirmed it. But...

But yeah, it was amazing. If you can go, you should definitely go. It was too lit, too awesome. Best money I've ever spent in my goddamn life. I would 100% do it again if I could. I wish we went last night, but I had obligations.

So I wasn't able to. Yeah. Movie. Fucking movie. Yeah. We'll insert the photos of me in 2013. Also us so close to Beyonce. Yeah. Because y'all, I don't think you understand. It was so great. Like where we were. Also, I'm starting this episode with like the longest tangent about Beyonce. Like,

I was gonna be like, so many people have dropped like flies, but I feel like most people who watch us feel the exact same way about Beyonce as we do. But it is genuinely so insane. Like, look how fucking close we were. It was so insane that it triggered, like, a religious tangent from Elsie. Like, she was like, that is what a real Christian woman is. Like, she was like, that is someone who, like, actually looks at a crowd of people and is like, all of you deserve life and love and happiness. And she means it with every ounce of her soul. And she's, like, such a good person. Like...

I squealed like I've never squealed like that before when she started doing the Dubai riff like I literally squealed also I predicted that shit but let's not talk about that she floated above us too

Which is fucking crazy. I saw her pores. She looked at my fucking camera like she graced me. We won't air her out with this photo because it's not a generous photo, but like she literally looked at me.

I know. Like, I love her beyond anything because I got some, like, I had photos of her that I was like, that's just not flattering and I would never post it. Yeah, I'll never offer like that. Because she would never do that to me. Yeah. And we spoke about it, like, later. Dude, like, yeah, in the hotel after, like, she was just like, we were taking a bunch of photos together and she was like, do you mind if I post these? Actually, I'm not going to post these. Like, you don't look the best, but these are going in the scrapbook, like the memory book because, like, I want to remember this moment hanging out with emergency and I come forever. I never need to sit in a room with her. I know.

never ever need to be across from her that is a woman who will literally like i think if she like looked in my eyes something would break yeah something would break because even after that concert the next day i woke up i was not drunk at that concert i had a drink i was not drunk i did not get high i had a giant rock star fucking energy drink and it looked like a beer and i was like i'm not carrying a fucking beer this is a rock star which is even which is worse yeah um but

the next day i woke up and i literally felt hung over like i felt like i got beat the up at that concert or something like i felt so drained but it's also because we did 18 000 steps because we couldn't find the car so we walked around sofi stadium for actually 40 minutes but let's move on we'll move on we'll move on i'll stop bragging about the best night of my life yeah literally my casually best night of my life but um

It's crazy how important confidence is. Like, really, if you don't believe in yourself, no one will. Y'all, like, when I get tired... You reading that? Like, I'd be saying some bullshit. Like, you should see, like, the X-ed notes that I don't read because I read them and I'm like, this is, like...

Like, okay, you see the tip of the iceberg amount of cringe I am. Like, that's, like, bottom iceberg level of cringe. Like, you're not allowed to see that shit. But, hold on, I'm thirsty. What the hell? Well, in my notes, I have Beyonce called me. Oh, actually, wait. Speaking of Beyonce, I'm going to tell this stupid fucking story. Oh, my God.

What the fuck is that? What is that? Is that a beer? This is, what are they called? Fuck, what are they called? Bored apes. This is bored ape water. A lot of people don't believe that I'm an investor and I have three or four of them. A lot of people don't believe that you've invested in something that holds no value. How would I have this? Okay. I swear they're going to rise in value.

Did you get one for me? Why do I have this? No, that one's staying sealed because it's like an NFT. I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore. And you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I can't believe I miss reading ads. I miss the taste.

This is like the equivalent of like all the old like senile people who collected beanie babies and didn't let their grandkids touch it. You're going to be like...

old as fuck and have grandkids and by that time the earth is gonna be like non like livable land and there's gonna be no water and it's gonna be covered in dirt and dust and the only water left is this and you're just gonna be like don't open it because when society rises back up this will make you king the only food source we'll be able to eat in the apocalypse is all of the like bananas and apples and oranges and twinkies and burgers that have been sealed in resin because that shit will never fucking melt

We're gonna have to get, like, ice picks and go... Dude, we are such bored humans that we were like, bro, what if we put this food into, like, literal waste? Has Kai not seen this? I've never seen this before. Where did you get that? Okay, so, um...

There was like a weed shop that opened up like three days before I went right up the street. And it's a Bored Ape Yacht Club weed shop. And if you go in there. I saw that. Is it like on Highland or something? If you go in there and you have a Bored Ape. Listen to this. I did some math. So if you go in there and have a Bored Ape, the average cost of a Bored Ape is like what? Like $42,000 or some shit like that. I don't fucking know exactly. Can you actually look that up real quick? I think it. I think they got. Or $28,000.

But anyways, the average cost of a bored ape is... I'm still looking it up. Yeah, that's not something you look up and Google immediately tells you. You're flopping so hard right now. It's...

Oh, I guess it's $43,000. So I'm right. Which is still so much. $43,000. I hate that you like eating me up. $43,000. If you go in there and you own a Bored Ape, you get a free eighth of weed a day. You can go in there and get an eighth of weed a day. So if you go in, the average cost of an eighth of weed is like $25, $30. Sometimes $44 if they give you good weed.

So it'll take you like, what is $43,000 divided by, let's say, $28,000. $1,535. You only have to go in there 1,500 days to re-up your board ape cost. So it's like a good investment. It's 4.25.

Oh, 420 years. That's what I was going to say. Like, it's literally like four years of... But just flip it to your homies and pay for the Bored Ape cost. It's a genius idea. But no, it's like the craziest environment I was ever in in my entire life. I can't believe you went in there. Did you go in there alone? No, I went with...

Oh, okay. Yeah, because they really wanted weed, and it was the closest one that was open. And I told them, I was like, it might be sketchy like this late at night. And they were like, no, we'll go. And we went, and it was horrifying in there. And all I bought was water, and it was $15 for those two bottles of water. But I was like, oh, it's a bit for the podcast. So I feel okay buying it.

That is terrifying and gross. Like, I hate... When I passed that, I was like, that, one, popped up overnight. It really did. Because I've driven down the street 18 million times, never seen it. And two, I can't believe that is still a thing. That is going to plague society for fucking ever. Them putting those stupid fucking bored apes, stupid fucking ugly ass cartoons online.

all over, like, buildings and, like, murals and shit. Like, it is so ugly. More than anything, the art style is fucking disgusting and ugly. And I hope whoever designed that original fucking monkey dies in their sleep. And I actually don't give a fuck. Because someone's gonna be like, that's fucked up, that's a person. I don't give a fuck. Because look what you've done to society. Like, you genuinely have plagued society in a way that is irreversible. Like, why is that on the side of a building in the middle of...

in the middle of Little Havana in Miami. Like, actually, I'm going to blow you and your fucking house up. And if you survive, I'm going to hang you by your feet over sharks. Don't get on Inya's bad side, I guess. That's what we take away from this.

Back to Beyonce calling me. I was going to say, I was the stinky guy at Beyonce concert, guys. Like, I really was, since I ran out of the house so quick, I forgot to put on deodorant. And, like, literally within eight minutes of her being on stage, I was, like, sweating so profusely because she was, like, real. Like, she was, like, I don't know, so weird. And then I would be like...

But I don't think I stank to other people. I think I just had hyper-stinch. Well, I was the girl with my tits out at Beyonce. Yeah. I had this fucking tank top on that, like, falls really easily. And I was just like, oh, whatever. Like, I'm just going to wear it because I was already wearing it. And, um...

I couldn't take my jacket off and jump around because my boobs kept coming out. It was the funniest shit I've ever seen. Like before the show and it was like testing it out and like she jumped once and then her boobs flocked out and we're just going everywhere. And I like, I was like, holy shit. Boobs are like so funny. Like they are literally the funniest thing ever. Yeah. I showed you my boobs all the time when he needs to pick me up when I just need to get happy. But what's crazy is Beyonce calls me. Um,

like a week before we went to but we went to get massages me and josiah and orion and i always fall asleep during massages and i was laying on my stomach and almost immediately i knocked the fuck out but then i was in a dream that was so vivid like i was just in the room looking down that hole but my phone was on the floor oh you don't want to know what hole i spread open got to looking at um

But I was staring at the floor and in the dream, my phone was on the floor and I heard it vibrating. So I opened my eyes and looked and my screen was just like a gray, that gray like call screen. And it was Beyonce all lowercase. And in my dream, I genuinely like, it was such a vivid dream. I like looked at it. I was like,

oh fuck I can't answer that right now oh my god and I like in the dream I was like fuck dude this is so annoying because I can't answer that I'm literally getting a massage and in the dream it just felt so real and normal and when I woke up I laughed so

so fucking hard on myself because I was like cool dream I just thought I'm like that's what my brain can conjure up is Beyonce calling me and me being like fuck I can't answer that my hands are like my hands are all oily dude well my dream also involved you and Orion in

we were at like a walmart doing walmart vibe and then we went to like a diner after and we just made a pact us three to kill ourselves because we were like i was like convinced the world we were living in was hell so i was like we all devised a plan we were like if we kill each other together works we'll escape this place

and um we'll be together in the afterlife like whatever the afterlife is and we did it and we woke up again and we woke up in the exact same spot uninjured and we all looked at each other and i like started freaking out and writhing and i was like oh my fucking god we've been in hell already like earth is hell we've been in hell like what the fuck and like y'all were like so chill about it and i was freaking out and like screaming and writhing around and i was like

so afraid in my dream that like I like moved my head in real life and I woke up with my mouth open like I was like so scared I was like I cannot believe we did this also what's so funny is we had that exact same reaction when he told us that dream like when you were like dude we killed ourselves and we woke up and we were still here and me and our arm were like

Wait, so in your dream, this was hell? And we were like, hell is lit as fuck. Like, what are you talking about? Like, I'd be so happy if this was hell. And like, we just started saying, and you were like, no, dude, it was like terrifying. And we were like, no, that sounds amazing. So we should kill ourselves and see what happens. No, definitely not. Never that. Yeah, I don't believe that anything is going to happen.

I just looked at the fucking camera frame and I didn't see you in it. And I was like, who? Like, I literally just almost had a psychotic break. I was like, I've been talking to no one this entire time. Like, that was so fucking freaky. Well, you're nobody to me, so I always feel like I'm talking to nobody. Cut this, Kai. Whoa. Oh, shit. Cut that. Hell no. No, we should just edit like somehow like Beyonce's face, like poking in and being like, Beyonce, okay.

We're not doing that and we are leaving that in. Beyonce, get out of here, girl. Like seriously leave. Like literally leave, bro.

I'm not doing that. And scene. That's your self-tape. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, we'll change the pace, switch gears a little bit. My family was here. You saw the Madeline episode. Y'all ate that fucking shit up. Like, what? Just, like, how good you were at, like, switching the topics. Like a robot.

But my family was here. Madeline episode, y'all loved it. We need to do an episode with my mother because y'all loved her little cameo. But Madeline and Steven slept in my room and I bought them this like pack and play for Luna to just like sleep in it while they were here. And...

I did wash my bed sheets before because I was like, I don't want to subject them to that nasty fucking vibe. But wash my bed sheets, there was a vibe. It was a vibe. Well, Madeline and Steven, I think it was Madeline, she sent a video, like a 360 video of my room to the family group chat because she was like,

um she was like look how much stuff drew has in here like he has so many things like look at all his little trinkets he's a fucking weirdo like it was just a vibe and then in the video on my bedside table there was a bottle of lube poppers and the most lewd candle that elisa got me i've ever seen and it looks it was the craziest scene i don't think any of them clocked it but when i saw it i like turned white and i was like almost like guys

that's a candle, but I was like, I'm not going to stammer here and draw attention to it. So I was just like, I'm going to let it rock, and if they saw it, we'll probably never speak about it ever again. But I was fucking mortified. I couldn't believe it. Those poppers are Inya's. They literally are Inya's. She told me to hide them. She was like, take these from me and hide them because they keep waking up in the middle of the night and hitting them. So I was like, okay, I'll put them in my room. I haven't touched them.

for like a year. I got a new bottle. Yeah. Because I like don't poppers go bad? I feel like or I guess maybe they don't. I think they evaporate maybe. Yeah, they like start to like disintegrate and like because it's literally nail polish remover. Every time I do poppers the day after I literally feel like my life is ending and I'm having an everlasting heart attack evermore. Taylor Swift. Oh my God. That's probably why

probably why I felt crazy after Beyonce concert is because I was hitting poppers that's literally what it was because I was like I'm not drunk I didn't do anything it's literally because I had to um it just felt right you know like it just felt like the environment it's annoying though because I didn't have sex at the concert I thought I was gonna find someone find somebody who's like a little taller than me wears like ringer shirts has a mustache

I'm right here, babe. You described me. Hello. You need to grow your hair back out. I'm not kidding. No. Hell no. Yes, up to here. I saw pictures of myself with long fucking curly hair and I was like mortified. I was like, I cannot believe. I think that was like your hottest era. No.

Not for me. I was like nasty fucking boots. I literally looked like disheveled and unkept and like, oh, y'all. I think you looked good with the long hair. Yeah, I think you looked really good. But I will say I do like your hair like this too. Guys, okay. Listen to this. We gotta give him some acceptance. Someone was, Isabel Glow was in Madrid and

And there's this prehistoric... Who the fuck is Isabelle Glow? Just wait. There was this prehistoric exhibition there at the Archaeological Museum. And look at this. Is that not me? Bro, I think that's supposed to be Jesus. No, no, no. He's like a cave person napping. Oh, that is you. Is that literally not me? That is you sleeping with the knife next to you after the intruder came in.

Like, why is he sleeping with a knife so close to him? Was he scared? He's probably, like, a hunter and gatherer, and he's just keeping them next to him for bears or something. But...

That was like divine truth entering my body. Sometimes when people ask me questions, like I don't spread misinformation. It's Jesus Christ spreading his message through me. That's what you're calling the contextual clues of a caveman sleeping with a knife. Like you're not calling that just like, oh, you went to public school and learned that they had to like hunt and gather. It's like divine intuition. Like something just comes over me and I just know the answer to all of these questions. But yeah.

Oh, fuck. Oh, the knife thing, man. That was so fucked up. Having to sleep with a knife? Literally so scared. I had a full-blown panic attack last night, like shaking and writhing, and it was really scary. Yeah, and for all of y'all who think I mean, I went in there and I comforted him. She kissed my forehead. Hello. Really? Did you actually? Yeah. I was so scared. I don't know what came over me. It was like when I was 16, like looking at the stars, like having a panic attack.

because I was like, it's so infinite and never ending. Like none of this is real. Like, but it was like, I was legitimately convinced I was like dying and I like called for Josh cause he was in the hallway and he didn't hear me. And I was like, fuck dude, they're going to wake up to me dead. And then I like kind of grounded myself back to reality with that whole fucking fiber trick or whatever, where you like name five things that you can see, taste and smell or whatever.

And I kind of came down. And then by the time Inya was there, I was like coming down like heavily. I saw Inya and I just broke out of my panic attack. I had separation anxiety. It's just like he saw my face and he was like, oh my God, like my angel. I couldn't look at the lights. It was so scary. And you were so bright. And I was such a bright light that I like cleared his mind. No, I literally had no idea what to do. I was just like, okay.

There's like literally nothing you can do. I just want to be next to someone when that's going down. Who brings you so much comfort. No, no, no. And lust. No. Lust, yes. So the blood stops racing to your heart and starts going to your weenie. Into my penis. Yeah. That's actually a really good idea. No, but...

When I was having my panic attacks when I was 16 and just freaking the fuck out every night. If you know chronic panic disorders, you know what I'm talking about. But literally just freaking the fuck out every night. And I would just call my mom up to my room and have her sleep in my bed because that was like...

It felt like my body was buzzing and I had to move and I was super restless and I was so scared. There were moments where I literally was like, I want to jump out of my fucking window because I can't go anywhere. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in my body. But it was like you coming into my room was like my mother comforting me.

He was very sweet. Also, why are you so shocked that I would kiss my friend? Hello, this is my boy. Yeah, I mean, you guys fuck, so I don't know why I was surprised by that. We kissed. That's like the second time this week that we've shared an account of affection or done affectionate thing and a friend was like, whoa. Because Elsie, when we were at the stadium and we both were holding each other and then we were going to kiss and they just kept moving and she was like,

What the fuck was that? That was way too real. That was literally just us actually being affectionate to each other. It was real. Drew, you know what helps me when I have panic attacks? What? Banging your mama. No, I'll take out my Funko Pop collection.

And just look at them? Yeah, I'll throw them up. Do you let yourself open one up or do you keep it in the box? I'm not going to open one of those. Are you serious? But I will. Never then. I'll touch the box, which I'm usually not allowed to do. Your greasy fucking fingerprints on the glass. I'll pop on a Marvel movie. Marvel movie Funko Pops and then Harry Potter flavored popcorn. Potter flavor? Like what is Harry Potter flavor? Like butterbeer.

You know, like butterbeer, like kettle corn. Well, did you wake up feeling better? No, no. Nope. We don't have to talk about it, though.

Just really anxious. No, I felt up like perfect today. Except my heart hurts because it was... Swear to God, my BPM got up to 200. It was fucked up. I was like almost like gonna crawl to Josh's room to like use his little heart monitor. But I was like, I don't even need to see that because it'll freak me out even more. Yeah. Well, after I finished comforting you, I went and played Texas Chainsaw Massacre and screamed in the living room with my friends. Yep. You're jealous. And then we watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it was like...

the funniest movie i've ever seen like it was so good i love that movie it was so good but also x is such a complete rip of it that i was like oh my god dude like this is fucking crazy and elsie and um sabrina were cracking up because we were sitting there watching and i was like this is literally the movie x like this is insane and then i was just like we were saying i was like

If they stop at a gas station, I'm going to be fucking pissed. And then they drove up into one and we were dying laughing because we were like, oh, this is fully fucking X. Like, this is just that movie. But they started off with the brother in a wheelchair just falling down a hill for no reason. Like, I'll insert a clip. Like, they start it with the brother is in a wheelchair and he just is... Like, they take him out to go pee and he's, like, pissing at the side of the road and a truck passes...

And they are trying to convince the audience that the wind velocity of that truck passing was so intense that his wheelchair pushed forward in grass and he just rolls through a hayfield, like, down, like, a hill. It was fucking hilarious. Because he wasn't hurt. Like, he had, like, rips in his shirt, but he wasn't bloody or anything. He was just, like, laying and he was like...

Why did they make that happen? They just like wanted to push him. Yeah. That just made me think about how like every time I watch like a horror movie, I'm like, I would have done this. I would have done that. Like you shouldn't have done this. Like, why did you do that? But like, does it take my hand or talk to me? Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Like, I was like, oh, wow. Like I would not change anything about the scary movie. I'm in like my horror movie arc. I'm in my horror movie arc right now. Um,

But I like want to see... I want to like make my own. Just ride it just for fun. Like it'll never get made. But like I feel like it would be so fun and cathartic to like write about people getting like murdered in plane crashes and shit. I want to ride you so bad. I said right. Oh, sorry. I was like... But you can ride me. I used... Oh, this also actually ties in. I don't know why I wrote this down. But I said...

I used to be so obsessed with VFX makeup, like... Dude, same. And would make my own fake blood from cornstarch, red and blue food coloring, and chocolate syrup. Dude, same. And that was, like, the... When I was making that shit, like, I remember it sat in our pantry for, like, years after my parents were so pissed that I wasted a bottle of cornstarch. But, like...

I would just like put it on myself and like play dead on the ground and like no one would ever fucking believe me. There was that one girl on YouTube who was really good at VFX and I would watch the fuck out of her videos. She's the redhead? Yes, yes. And I was really convinced. It's like monster maid or something. Yeah, I was like, I'm going to do VFX. Like that's going to be what I do. And instead I do this. So some would say it's really similar. Yeah, it's two monsters. I'm causing harm somehow.

Misinformation, spreading misinformation. But yeah, no, I literally like, I feel like it might be like a rite of passage for like creative people to like, is to like make a fake cut on their face or something or like to make their fingernails bloody. You're either somebody who gives yourself a fake cut on your face or you're somebody who does the Tate skull makeup. Yeah, literally. Those are the two ends. The two ends of the spectrum. Let's talk about the polymer clay to VFX makeup pipeline though.

I know. Also, like, every kid who liked polymer clay swearing, we were going to be, like, stop motion animators. Like, I swore. I still swore until I was, like, 20. Yeah, I know. I remember. Oh, I remember. I was like, oh, I'm going to do this. Halloween.

Halloween is coming up. So that means we're about to see the worst pictures that Instagram has to offer. Pictures, yeah. That's all that means. I feel like the Illuminati really like did their thing with the Halloween last year because like all of the biggest influencers in the world, all of their Halloween photos were edited so awfully. All by what I'm assuming to be is the same person. Like it was so bizarre. Like they all had just like shitty backgrounds in the back. Yeah, weird green screens.

Not even green screen, like weird cutout background. Yeah, exactly. And no one was like saying anything about it. No one was making fun of them the way they should have. Yeah, but like the world elites had the most bizarre Halloween photos. I'm really struggling this year, y'all, coming up with a Halloween costume. I told anyone that I was like... Okay, it's only the beginning of September. Can we slow down? That I was dead serious about. And it was...

No, I'm going to keep that one because I might actually do that. But we found our joint costume. Yeah. It's overdone. It's a played out bit, but like it's cute and it'll kill. I was thinking. I can't say that. Why don't I see butterflies anymore? I see butterflies all the time. I don't.

Literally driving in your car the other day, remember? I saw two. We were driving and then they went over your roof and I was like, dude, your car is so awesome because if a butterfly or something flies over the car, I can just look up at it. So maybe you have to attract that kind of positive energy to see those kind of positive things because I'm such an aura of positivity and comfort and calmness and warmth that those things just come towards me and come on me.

No, no, no, no, no. Oh, I literally just saw one. I'm not even fucking playing. I'm not even fucking playing. No, no, no. I swear to fucking God. You're trying to get attention, dude. You're trying to get attention. Oh, my God. Oh, actually, was it a green one? No, it's like, or it might have been. It was sort of like the corner of my eye. It was like yellowish. Yeah, I saw it too. Oh, yeah. Drew, you just saw one right now.

I saw one. Do you believe me? Kai, I'm going to take that fucking hard drive and snap it. No, it's my favorite hard drive. Yeah, I'm going to take your laptop and snap it in half. That would be bad for us. Yeah, that would be bad for you guys. So don't do that. I don't give a fuck. You're my op too right now. I got so many fucking ops and two of them are in the room with me right now. The thing is, Drew is saying that as a joke, but Drew genuinely will make up like some of them, like a lot of them.

I understand where his brain goes as to why he decides to call someone is off. But sometimes it is the most like subpar miscommunication or like just lackluster reason. And Drew will literally hone in on one person and be like, they want me dead. They want me to like not be living like they, they hate me. They're talking about me. I know they're conspiring against me. Never have I ever said that. I just can feel an energy shift in certain people. And I'm like,

I want to get to the fucking bottom of this. What the fuck is going on? There's no communication on their end. So I'm just like, oh, like, fuck you. You're my off. So what's happening is you are a naturally anxious person. And at the slightest tone shift, you become panicked. And you are considering this person now your enemy. Yeah. Don't fuck with me. What's actually happening is... I don't think it's absorbing what you're saying. Yeah.

You're right. He's like, yup, yup. I will say, I feel like you are very intuitive. Like, you've texted me multiple times and just been like, hey, what's up? And it's been like when I'm like,

oh my God, like there's too much weight on my shoulders. I'll be like lying in bed paralyzed and you'll text me and I'll be like, this is insane. It's happened like four times. - I can sense people's- - No, that's 'cause he has a camera in your room, Kai. That's 'cause he's watching you. - It's 'cause I'm recording you at all moments. Actually, I won't even talk about what he was doing.

yeah don't don't expose him like that don't expose him i wasn't doing anything but thank you kai i do feel that way you do you're very intuitive you're like a female yeah what the hell don't ever say the f slur again that was crazy um also i don't know why i just thought i think i thought of it because saying that you had a camera in kai's bedroom but something i have mentioned eight million times since it's happened shane dawson saying look look the the phone just like no like it

can see your face even when it doesn't see your face and the phone already being unlocked and then him like swiping the camera thing that he had for a cover have you seen that he's like was making comment about like how your iphones can just like know who you are or something it was like some stupid shit and he literally showed his face to his phone so it unlocked with face id and then he was like watch look at this and was trying to show that like the phone can see you no matter what that like

It's not the camera that's a camera. It's like the infrared camera that they use to stalk you and track your facial movements at every waking moment. But he had... It was so stupid. I'll show you and then we have to insert it. Oh my god, that's awkward. Give me a kiss. That was a good kiss. No more slaps.

Just kisses now? Just kisses. Okay. Yeah. Aw. Kisses and hugs. I can't believe you were somebody I followed since you posted about Beyonce being your crush 18 times, and I really was like, that's my man. That's my man. That is my man. Oh, is that the same era where you were like, I'm going to hit? No, we hadn't met each other in real life at that point, but we were like, I think maybe following each other. And I was like, oh my God, he's cute. We were like 14. I was like, he's cute. Like, bae. Hey. Hey.

I thought every single boy I was friends with, I was going to date. Like it was like a problem. I was like, oh my God, he's so nice to me. Like we should have sex. Even though like I was never going to have sex with somebody. Literally still you today. Yeah. With anyone. Not just boys. Anyone. Cut now. Cut that. Put that down. Put that down.

Oh, fuck. Oh, I was thinking the same thing. No. Okay, so. I want to hit my jewel so bad. I have to. Girl, you're like being sketchy as fuck. No, no, no. Okay, so. See what she does to me? I quit and then she picks up a fucking jewel and does it in front of me. How's your sobriety? I'm just showing off.

Everybody has... Seems like it's going well. Every sobriety journey... I relapsed. ...comes with a relapse. And that's okay. You get back up on your feet. But genuinely, I do believe that. It's okay. But genially. But genially. But genially. No, but literally, like...

to get sober, there are going to be humps in the road. And relapse is one of those humps. And it's okay. Even if it's a day, even if it's a month, even if it's six months, even if it's two years, don't stop trying. A two-year hump. I genuinely believe that, though. Yeah. And we, like, we're working on it. We're working on it. I'm going to get through this. And I'll follow Sue one day. I'm going to get through this. One day.

Okay, so we were at a hotel for Orion's birthday. We got our little hotel room and we had a little birthday. And when everybody left, it was just the next night. It was the last night in the hotel. And me and you and Josiah were kind of just chilling on the couch. And I don't know how it got brought up, but Orion was like, have you ever seen someone give birth? And then you was like, yeah. Oh, it got brought up because she told a crazy story about a baby.

like oh a birthday like a gnarly story that she had seen someone talk about and so we started watching birthing videos and inya and orion both started sobbing crying in fear and in pain for these women and it was like the crazy i got it all on video i don't know i'm not kidding like i never like i am like somebody who's very in between having kids like

Part of me is like, oh, when I'm with a good partner, I fully understand it. And I'm like, okay, I understand why people have children. Because when you're in a really good relationship and your communication is good, everything is good. You're like, why wouldn't we have children? I can't believe people do that. That's insane. Taste the biscuit. Imagine something putting me into it. Have you seen Alien vs. Predator? Whoa.

Something is wrong with me. What did you say? Orion, have you seen Alien vs. Predator? What the fuck was I referencing? Maybe Face Suckers? Because the... Face Sucker comes out of their belly? No, when What's-Her-Name gets pregnant with one of the aliens and it comes out of her stomach. But I like... Whatever, so I'm always so in between, but something that I've never deep dived on, but I'm very aware of is how painful and agonizing it is

child's birth is and i've just never looked into it because i'm like that's not something i need to know that epidural is going in bitch fuck you if you were like oh fuck epidural no bitch give me a perk give me epidural give me everything like literally give me everything shove an edible down my throat give me a perk 30 and get that epidural in me because i want to be you're doing a popper a speedball give me a popper loosen me up like make it easy um i'm gonna invent that okay

Vagina poppers. I'm going to figure it out. Vaginal poppers. But it just, I've never seen it. And we started looking. Just wait till I'm a billionaire. They laughed at Mark Zuckerberg too. Yeah. But it just like, I never looked at videos of it. I've always, always avoided. I've always avoided videos of childbirth. I never looked at it. And then Orion just started playing in front of me. And I am not kidding. Like,

even the thought of some of the things I said, it is so fucking nasty. There's nothing beautiful about that. It is a shame. We are so barbaric. It is so fucking weird. Like, I am not kidding. I love seeing the vagina. Like, after when you have the baby, it's like, aww. The gaping vagina. Like, so cute. But first of all, clean that shit off. It's fucking nasty. It's covered in sludge and slime and it's so gross. It is so gross. Like, I don't think I need to have a kid because that is so nasty. Unless you give me a perk 30. Yeah. Well, can't I give you

Why don't they give girls per 30s when they're giving birth? I think so. They can? I don't know. I want to be turnt the fuck up, bitch. I want to be crossfaded as fuck giving birth to that baby. Like immediately shove some fucking tequila and an edible down my gullet. Like the second that baby's coming out. But I guess then is the baby going to get fucked up?

fucked up because it's still talking to me? The second the baby's umbilical cord touches the air, it has to start breathing through its nose. Okay, so once that happens, once that head is out, someone come pop a can in my fucking mouth. I really believe this. If I gave birth, I wouldn't feel pain.

Like, I feel like it would be so easy. For, like, a man. Like, compared to, like, a woman. Like, yeah, we're just stronger. It would just be, like, so. Yeah, Drew. Where would it come out of? The tip of your wiener? Yeah. Or your butt. Butthole. Yeah, butthole birth. Yeah. But it would just be, like, so easy. Dude, I know. And, like, literally just, like, you're screaming, bro. You're being so fucking dramatic. Just, like, relax. You're, like, freaking out. Literally relax. And enjoy it. You only do this, like, a few times. Maybe. Maybe.

enjoy it live in the moment like why are you please be present no I need to be fucked up like I need them to hand me that baby in my arms be so lit from being fucked up that they're like oh she can't hold the baby yet like we gotta give her a few hours I remember I was in like middle school that was my mom I think I remember I was in middle school and fur like

uh a class we had to watch a childbirth video and a kid next to me fainted oh my fucking god someone fainted at beyonce behind us yeah so when the second she got on stage we heard like we heard and then i heard shit fly all over me you just like felt water kind of on your legs and we were like what the fuck and people were like running towards someone and we turned and there was just a girl like on the floor and then that's crazy they like

got her up and she was like when she was like awake she was like

What? What? What? She was freaking out. And she got up and then literally like her boyfriend or whoever she was with took her out. And she came back because he was like, she's not drunk. She's not drunk. She just fainted. Because I think like the security is probably like, oh, she got too fucked up. But she literally was so taken aback. She fainted. Literally respect, honestly. But wait, a dude fainted in birthing class? Oh, yeah. It was like this kid that like everyone, he was just mean to everyone.

And I remember like... Dude, being the bully and then being like... He was like a bully. Yeah, he was like... Yeah, he was not... Yeah, people did not fuck with this guy. Bad home life. Yeah. And then basically like the video came up and his head just like hit the desk. He like fell asleep. And it was awesome. Bro, he was awful. Put him in a coffin. Also, can I just say I wish I was at that Beyonce concert throwing ass and dick around. No. Mm-mm.

There was a reason you weren't fucking there. There was a reason you weren't fucking there. We knew you were going to pull up in like tiny shorts and we couldn't do it. Like we've already like booty shorts. You in the American apparel disco shorts. What y'all don't know is Kai can make it clap.

That is true. And that's not even a joke. I'm not kidding. Men's asses. Maybe later. Specifically straight men's asses are the most disgusting thing ever. God was supposed to do some sort of design rework there. Because anytime I have seen a man's ass. It's a dumpy.

It is so gross. Not like a dump truck. It is like a dumpy little saggy diaper. It's like flappy flap. Like nasty. Like why does it look like that? It always looks so gross. It's a saggy diaper. So hairy too. Well, I got one more thing to say. It's a cute little one. Oh my God. Here we go. Okay. So you know the song. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Beautiful boy. Let me see what the song title is. It's David Bowie, right? Yeah.

Yeah, I think it's called, like, Darling Boy. I think it's called Beautiful Boy. No, you're right, you're right. I just want to know on this. No, it's John Lennon. The 1980 double fantasy. Anyways, I have a very vivid memory of, like, my dad in a driver's seat and me in the...

passenger seat and my dad like um playing that song on fucking blast and like i just remembered that and i was like this song fucking sucks but like he's like this song's for you this song is about you and i just have a very vivid memory of that now and it was when i heard that song last night i was like holy shit that was so sweet of him to do that is really nice and i was like i'm gonna do that for my kid if you get to have them if you live that long okay

What are you doing? Sorry, I'm talking to my shit. Damn. Whoa. That is actually crazy. Dude, I just imagined, like, something disgusting. You imagined my butthole? Yeah, your bare, like, lower half doing that, and I, like, actually... My balls between my legs. Stop! No!

Like man anatomy is actually disgusting. I'm not kidding. It is so gross. They need to like figure out how that when y'all bend down, it just goes away. Yeah. No, it does go inside. It's just when it's so big for me, it just like doesn't go up. Yeah, that's really fucking disgusting. I saw Texas Chainsaw Massacre. So fun. So fun. Trying to think of like what movies I've seen. I feel like I've seen a bunch of movies this week.

I re-saw Coraline. Coraline. And that was really, really fun. Talk to me. Yeah. Oh, I finished How To with John Wilson. So good. So, so good. I started watching One Piece, like the live action. And like...

It is so incredibly mid at best. I've never seen past the first 25, 30 episodes of One Piece, so I don't really know how accurate it is. But I will say it's fun. But why doesn't someone, when they're making a live-action anime movie, why doesn't someone hire someone with a clear fucking vision and a clear swag? And why is it always just...

shitty like why why are they always fucking terrible like it's an actual problem like yeah why is it always it seems like they're wearing party city yes dude like the the acting too was like really there was another butterfly a white one the acting too was subpar and like i don't know it was just like but i'll watch it and i'll probably like it but like bruh come on like that's not a hot take at all but like

I'm gonna start giving like incredibly cold takes like I'm gonna be that guy where I just give like the most awful worst takes ever in a room full of people and just silence the room like that's my vibe and there you were with the first one that is a cold take should I do Drew's high up corner yeah go for it girl welcome to Drew's high up corner y'all love cuddling with skinny dudes until we get lost under the covers like a remote laughing

or like a jewel i didn't say like a jewel yeah that's really funny this one's just literally a classic we quote it all the time and i was like i cannot believe i haven't read this one yet girls that stink are cool as fuck like you know what onion powder i kind of like you you know what to the can okay you might onion powder as fuck yeah

You might listen to the same music as me, but I listen to it in a much deeper and more intellectual way than you ever will. That is, yeah, that's why I'm a gatekeeper because I just don't believe you guys have like the like emotional bandwidth. Wherewithal to understand it in the way I do. Ain't no way God told Noah to put two podcasters on the ark.

Damn. We do breed too. Dude, it's so funny when we were in the coffee shop and Elsie was like, this feels like we are in Noah's Ark right now. She was like, there is every walk of life in here and the door is going to be shut and we're going to watch the world obliterate and it's only going to be the people in this coffee shop. Okay, so I'll do this one and then that one. I admit it. I'm a lame girl.

I don't party. I don't twerk on guys. I don't stay out late, but I do stay up late. I do read. I do smoke. I do vibe to music. And I do think. That is you. That was more just like a deep thought. That's you minus the smoking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean. And I'm the other girl. I be smoking penis. Hey! Oh my God. Hey! And vapes. Hey! Hey!

Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait. This is a good one. This is a good one. And this is the last one. And then I'll do music. Tag someone gay in the comments to out them. All of them are literally going to be at Drew. Like all of them are going to be me. This one. I'm glad you're not actually gay though. And it's cool that we've built an environment where we can like joke about being gay, but neither, no one is gay. Neither of us are. Okay, this is just like something I want to leave you guys on.

And then actually I'm going to do this one. This one will probably get cut and leave that, but cut it because I want them to stay wondering. Cut it. And then the last one, the thought manifests. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay. Try again. Okay. The thought manifests as the word. The word manifests as the deed. The deed develops into the habit and the habit hardens into character. So watch this.

your thought and its ways with care and let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings. Wow. Unironically. That was like extremely difficult for you to read. Well, I'm missing all the colons and the semicolons and shit. So I didn't know where it ended. And I also have a bunch of typos on it. Like a bunch. Like I don't think I was supposed to say into the habit. Yeah, that was deep.

The second I stopped thinking about banging your mama, I stopped doing it and it stopped becoming a habit. Because I didn't care about her. It was just a habit. The thought manifests as me banging Inya's mom. The word manifests as me banging Kai's mom. The deed develops into me banging Kai's mom and dad. And the habit hardens into me banging Inya's mom.

So watch as I bang Kai and Enya's parents and its ways with care and let it spring into a love born out of concern for banging all of y'all's parents. Um, Kai's popping perks back there. I know he's literally like fucking popping. He just dry swallowed a pill. I just need something. And it came out of his wallet. Look, I realized I didn't turn the clock on for you guys and I'm having a panic attack that I'm gonna get fired at the end of the episode. So, well,

Oh, sis, you were fired by the time you walked in the door. I was fired six months ago. I've just been coming. You're just coming because you want something to do. Yeah. Okay, here is my media of the week. I've been listening to the album Fountain Baby by Amare. I don't know if I'm saying that right because I can't say it.

names or words correctly and the more you make fun of me the more you need to realize that i have immigrant parents and you are fucked up for making comment on me not being able to find certain things that's kai to t what um princess going digital from that album sociopathic dance queen and big steppa are my favorite from that album and then

My other music of the week is Baby, I'm a Want You by B.R.E.D. and I'm Still Looping on Earth by the Sundays. That song makes me so happy that I want to kill myself. Kai's grabbing a knife. Okay, mine is King David style DJ escrow. Wreck, Ray, Harikami. Pearls, Sade, It's a Fine Day, Opus 3. And mine is Guardians of the Galaxy,

Movie soundtrack. Captain America. Movie soundtrack. Civil War. Captain America. And Iron Man 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6. Is there actually more than one of those? I think there's like six. I think there's four. There's four? And then there's Avengers. Bruh, they need to fucking stop. If there's six, I'm literally going to have a heart attack and die. But they did kill him off. He's done. Really? Yeah, he's done. Oh, there's three of them. Three. But he's in all of them.

I would have sex with him if I had to. Yeah. Robert Downey? Yeah, Robert Downey Jr. Oh, yeah. If I had to. And I feel like he's also a nice guy. He gets like genuine kindness, but also sometimes it feels superficial. Like he sees the comments of people being like, he's like a nice guy. Like, look. And then he just acts nice. Have you seen the video of him like on Wall Street when he's like 26?

Yeah, and like making fun of like stockbrokers. And he's so sexy. He has riz. Like, yes. He has riz. He was rizzing all over the camera. At one point, like they had to go like this. And he was just looking at furniture. Yeah. Well, I had a tab open for like a furniture spot and we really need a lamp. So I was like, oh, yeah, I forgot I was doing that. Oh, yeah. The lamp he sent was really cute. We should just get one of those candle holders and put it in the corner and go medieval style. Shut the fuck up.

Candles are so fucking expensive now. When the hurricane was threatening to take out our power, I bought candles because I was like, just in case, like I want to be able to see like my book that I'm reading because I won't have Wi-Fi and like what else am I supposed to do? And it was so fucking expensive. Okay. What?

Like, dude, sometimes you're such a 25 year old or we both are like you sitting here talking about how expensive candles were. We're like so done during the hurricane, like right before, like when it started to hit, which it was just rain here. Me and Drew went outside and he followed me outside so I could smoke and drink a coffee and look at the rain. And we sat on the front porch just sitting out there in silence. And we were like.

damn, we are in our mid-20s. It was such a mid-20s vibe. Like Enya smoking a cigarette and us sitting outside watching the ring. Cigarettes after sex because that's what we were doing because we had just boned.

We just fucked and there was juices and cum and fucking shit sprayed everywhere. All the fucking walls. And it was so fucking smelly. It smelled like fucking sex. I can smell fucking sex from a mile away. I can smell that you just had sex. Yeah, I'm looking at you. Nasty, nasty, rotten sex. Oh, and the condoms tied up and put in the toilet. In the toilet.

I almost said goodnight. I mean, goodnight. Goodnight. Goodnight.