We Got Covid
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Welcome back to this episode of Emergency Intercom. I'm sure you're very confused. I have bad news.

Me and Drew actually got COVID over the holidays, so we're both stuck at home right now in our birthplaces. Drew's here, but he's taking, like, forever to get on screen. He was here for a second, and then he was like, oh, I need to go use the bathroom and, like, cough, like, myself to peace before we start so he doesn't cough while we're talking. And he's kind of just been, like, gone since. But I just thought I should start. Oh.

i'm here drew hold on no he's he's being such a fucking piece right now he was fine he was fine like 10 seconds ago what is that what do you have hold on does that pee does he have pee guy it looks like piss drew can you hear us hello yeah are you you can hear us right what do you hear me

yeah we can yeah what are you wearing good like what's going on why wait why do you have a mask on also like on top of everything where did all this come from and why do you have a mask on you're literally home alone i have covid i know and so do i actually kai might have it too so it's like yeah what do you up with a sore throat sorry hold on let me fix my my ivy why the fuck do you have an ivy you don't need an ivy it's this news

It's this new like drug that they're giving. It's called Piz. It's with two Zs. No, I think you got scammed. I think you were sold an IV bag full of piss. Whatever it is, it's working. And there's no cure for COVID. Also, you were fine like two seconds ago. You were fully wearing like, you were wearing like your normal. I just think you're mad at me for being safe.

I'm trying to be safe here and not give any of y'all COVID. And now you're pissed at me. Dude, we're on a Zoom call. You're not going to give us COVID. Oh, you're on a Zoom call. You're on a Zoom call. Oh my God. That's literally why we stayed like in our hometowns is to be safe. Like we're being safe. You don't have to do. Your mama. All right, hold on. Let me fix this IV real quick. I'm going to just push it, put it around here. Just so it's like.

good for me um just because i need it connected at all times because if it actually disconnects i could fucking die it's what the doctor was saying so i just have to like make sure it's just like in my wrist disconnect from what it's like around your neck what are you talking about my wrist how does it say oh it doesn't seem like it's it doesn't seem like it's actually like going into you you actually know nothing i guess we'll know if it's real if by the end it's like depleted right

Yep, exactly. And you have that set up that it's going to be going down. Oh no, he's gone. We lost him. He's done. Did he just pass out? Drew, wake up. Drew? Wake up. Drew! Drew! I keep going out of consciousness because this fucking muzzle on my face is actually making me not be able to breathe. You don't have...

If y'all are comfortable with me taking the muzzle off, I'll take it off. Yeah, of course. We're in different parts of the country. Thank you. I didn't know I was in a lobby full of freaking cucks.

I was well I was actually just about to say this whole time I've been positive and I've just carried on with life like I can't let this like something as simple as COVID stop me and like I didn't come to Miami with masks and I haven't had time to go buy any so I've just been like kind of chilling like taking it very easy. Wait so you've just kind of been existing as you were before COVID just? Yeah it's my new normal. Wait so you've been like going out?

Yeah, but not every night because I'm not like an alcoholic or anything. But like, yes, I do go out every other night for a drink. If that's what you were asking. So you've been giving people COVID. You've been a super spreader. I haven't been near anyone. I'm only with my friends. Yeah, but your friends don't have COVID. So you've just been giving them COVID?

I'm not giving them anything also they said yes to going out with me like maybe I wasn't clear I was just like oh like I have a stuffy nose and like a sore throat and like at night I like get a really bad fever but you tested positive yeah but so what I'm telling people that I'm sick I'm just not being like I don't want to scare people be like oh my god I have COVID like

Okay, I'm the weirdo. Look at your setup. You literally have an ID and you're wearing a hazmat suit. Sorry, the bag keeps getting disconnected, yo. It's so hot in this stupid fucking hazmat suit. Okay, let's take the fucking hood of it off. Do you have clothes on under there? No. Oh, take it off. Should I?

also um sorry but on my end it's kind of choppy you're recording right drew yeah i'm recording because my wi-fi sucks balls so it's like not the best on my end sorry i literally had to just take that off because i am actually overheating and dying that's okay i can't i can't i'm so ugly i'm so ugly i need a hat i'm so ugly and hot

Well, on a serious note, also, I just want to be clear. I have not been spreading COVID. I've actually been sitting in an Airbnb solo for the past week. I have been just quarantining with my family. They were kind of just like, if we get it, we get it. And we've just been chilling. I'm okay. I literally feel totally fine. But yeah, we both did get COVID though, which is insane.

Yeah, I know. And also I was so I was one of those annoying people who I was so positive that I would just never get it. I thought you had the God particle in you. I know because I was the only person we knew who hadn't gotten it. And I was just like, I don't know. I'm just built different. I'm different. I kept saying that. I was like, I'm different. I'm different. But I'll explain how I got COVID and then you can try and explain. But you don't know how the fuck you got it. No, I literally think I just got it on the plane right over here.

Oh, dude. Well, I came to Miami and then literally like two, three days before Christmas, my little brother was really sick. And I was like, this motherfucker has COVID. I was like, there's no way he doesn't have COVID. Like he goes to public school and like is around a bunch of other kids who probably get it and don't say shit. And like, if you get it, you get it. And if you don't, you don't.

Is that, are you saying that about COVID? Exactly. If you don't, you don't. If you know, you know. Me to people. Okay. Oh, y'all, I'm just ugly today, but you can't blame me. I'm running fever. I got COVID. No, you look beautiful. I got piss going into my system. Anyways, long story short.

brother got it. My mom and dad got it for my brother. And I was being very cautious. And my family was like, girl, like, we're all going to get it. We're like here in the house. And I was like, no, no, I'm so sure that I will be the one to not get it. So I literally ran away after Christmas. Like the day after Christmas, I fucking ran away. I packed all my things that I went to an Airbnb. And I would say for two days, I don't even know if I told you this, Drew, but

That laxative is literally what fucking kickstarted my symptoms. On top of getting COVID for the first time in my life, I got really constipated. So I called Drew and I was like, I need- The constipation connoisseur. You consume like feces or constipation? No, no, no. I'm the connoisseur of constipation. I just know everything there is to know about it, how to get rid of it, what drugs to take.

Yeah, so I called the poop master himself. I guess you're not the poop master because you don't poop. I prefer connoisseur, constipation connoisseur. So I asked Drew what to get and I was like, oh, what's the thing that's going to work the quickest? And it was that like, what is it? Magnesium? Magnesium citrate. Normally they come in glass bottles, but I bet they were sold. My shit was in plastic. So that should have been a red flag.

but I, I like can't express true. I felt completely fucking fine. Other than the tall tale sign, which everyone is realizing now is like the second you feel a sore throat, you fucking have it. Like you don't just have a sore throat. You fully have COVID. And I had had a sore throat for like lingering and like coming up on me for two days. But other than that, I felt completely fine. And I was testing every day and kept coming up negative. And then

On like Monday night, I tested negative literally that night. Then right after drank,

half of that bottle of magnesium and I'm not kidding true within 15 minutes I went from being like normal to my health depleting to nothing and I was sitting on the couch and I literally was like sweating and I got really nauseous and I got like a really bad headache and it fully was just like all of my friends were around me so they were like watching my health just deteriorate and I was like go home because like I'm about to pass away like I'm about to explode shit out of my butt

Dude, and then I like reluctantly was able to fall asleep, but I woke up to like an insanely high fever, shitting myself, just liquid ass. And then I like when I woke up to shit, I literally felt like I had drank like three quarters of alcohol. Like I felt like I drank like three gallons of alcohol. I was so dehydrated. And then I tested because I was like, I don't know if it's normal for me to like

feel like this after shitting um and then i tested positive so i think the laxative gave me covid personally the magnesium citrate bottles are contaminated with covid you heard it here first y'all yeah we're gonna get our youtube video taken down again because we're sitting here talking about the one thing that got it taken down last time which is bullshit but i won't get into it i digress but you know just know i'm coming for you

The thing is, everyone's like, I wonder what the joke was. And the joke literally wasn't even anything. No, it wasn't even a joke. It was literally me standing for my opinion.

stating my opinion see youtube is censoring us they're coming weren't you weren't you just paraphrasing what somebody else said i paraphrased what someone said and then i after that was like i don't know i don't believe in that literally exactly like condemned it immediately yeah it's so crazy which is i think even before you said it i think i like

It was about something big Nick had said. And I was like, I love that. And then you were like, but he does so-and-so and so-and-so. And I don't fuck with that. But then after that, I was like, but I'll let him, I'll let him do what he wants to do. I'll allow it. What are we going to do? Spread his misinformation. But yeah, literally my, my experience with COVID was kind of like easy. I got lucky, but I think it was just because I was vaxxed. Um,

but yeah everyone who's like backstop is having super mild symptoms yeah I just I don't understand no I can't even make a joke about it I can't even make a joke about it because I'm scared YouTube's gonna fucking take it down

I know now I'm thinking about how I literally started this video off by saying like what I just told my friends I feel a little sick and I like snowed the wow. Dude I can't stress enough to y'all how overheated and hot I am. I'm sure you can fucking tell because my face is like bright red and I'm greasy and oily and disgusting and sweaty. I think you look great honestly I don't I don't see the grease. You're kind of serving Jesus with the like the facial hair and the hair.

Really? Yeah, honestly, when you came on screen, I got pretty horny. Really? Actually? Yeah. Especially because you came in with your stick of piss. It looked like when Moses or whoever the fuck was going to split the sea and they had their big stick. Except yours has piss on it and apparently it's going in your blood. That's what I was going for. Splitting the sea of piss. I love that you caught on to that. No, he didn't split a sea of piss.

It was like just the ocean. The sea of period blood. No, Drew. In my head, it is red. It's the red sea, the period blood sea. Yeah. Because, oh, okay, now I'm remembering. Moses was like, get on the boat. The girls have their period. I don't want to be around them. I'm going to chill with the animals. And he split all the period blood. The squirt blood. Did you know that there's...

Sorry, I got a notification on my screen saying there was like a 40 minute time limit and we reached it. But then it was like, but I gifted you more hours. So I was like, okay, whatever. So I wasn't really paying attention. However. No, same. When I like moved my light because I got the notification that I was like, the host extended the meeting, which is like, okay. But did you know that church doors, like, you know, like the doors that like go like this and they like,

they like meet at the top like that they're like arched a little bit did you know yeah churches stole that from like pagan ideologies like pagan whatever and the pagan idea behind those doors was like you're walking like you're being welcomed home to the vagina every time so now every time you look at a church you're walking through a vagina and there's vaginas all over the churches and they don't even realize it that's the most uber fat shit that's ever come out of your mouth

You're pulling like a Christian of like 2018 right now. No, okay. I actually think it is true, but I know that is the most absurd thing I've ever said. Simply. Drew, if you're too hot, you can take the hazmat suit off. I've committed to the gag and I have to keep going. No, you have to keep it on. You can't be overheating and sweating. I look like I just like worked out 14 hours.

Yeah, you can't take off your fucking hazmat suit because then you'll expose that that piss is not going in your body. It has not moved a single like it. You actually don't know anything you're fucking saying and I will expose you right now if you want me to. Do you want me to expose you? Can we see? Can we see where it goes into your vein? Can you just like prove? No, no, like where it goes, where the piss is going in. It fucking fell out. It fell out.

Okay. So why are you okay if you're not getting your like piss IV? Because I've been fucking drinking it. Have you not been seeing me drink it? I don't think that's how IVs work, but all right. Oh, okay. Dr. fucking Kyan and you. Y'all know so much. Oh no. He's getting angry now. You know, I was, I was, I was going to give you the plug to get a free negative test, but now I'm not going to. And you're stuck home. How about that?

that's that's how i'm getting home i'm just faking a negative no one's talking about how like maybe that's something we exposed this episode it's just how many influencers were actually like faking negative tests negative it was it was a real thing it was like that was a real thing that they would be positive but they would get a negative test um and fake it and fully the amount of times like we wouldn't even have

COVID and an influencer would just be like, well, if you ever need a fake negative, let me know. Yeah. I mean, we're like, y'all are fucking psycho. And this was like early in the pandemic. This wasn't like late stage. Like this was like two months in. Like if you need a negative test to post online to prove that you're negative, just hit us up. We got you. It was pre-vaccine, which is insane. Yeah.

Oh, what did you use the negative for? Like, what would you use it for? To post online that you were negative if you got exposed at a party. Oh, I see. Okay. The whole exposing party, like, like, that shit's so funny. You know what I was thinking? At a party.

so what i was thinking was i have so many positive at-home tests because i'm neurotic and i swear that like i'll test positive in the morning and then test negative at night so i have so many positives i'm gonna start flipping them and like if you guys want to miss like work or miss like school and you don't want to go to school like hit me online like i'll fucking sell you my positive test he's got a bunch of positives

And then I'll just like, I'll like take random different like photos, like angles of like the test kit before and like after it's being used and whatnot. If you guys want that. Drew, are you okay? Drew! Drew! Wake up.

oh fuck sorry like the biggest symptom that i have is i just like fall asleep it's like so fucking weird so fatigued you fell asleep on the microphone like a cartoon it's so weird i can't explain it i just feel like you're faking it you're doing one of those because like i have it like i'm in it but i'm sitting here i'm like pretty like i look good like i look put together like

I look really good. Like someone, some people would say like, and yet, are you sure you have COVID? Cause you look so good. And I'm like, yeah, I do. And like, for some reason, that's one of the symptoms I'm having is I just look really good. No, literally. Actually, I was blown away when I saw you first pop in the camera. I was like, oh, and you looks really cute right now with their little bow ties in her hair.

this is the first time I've put on real clothes and like looked normal for so long that's actually a lie though because since my whole family had COVID I got to spend new years with them um so we had our own little COVID fiesta because we were we just had it so we were like let's blow up fireworks and it was fucking awesome I wish I bought more fireworks um literally a pyromaniac no same that night I was like you get it

Yeah, fully. There's like, dude, they're so expensive. It's actually if you think about it, it's legitimately burning money. Like it's it's setting money on fire, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Like, it's so much fun. Just like watching shit blow up. And also just like, knowing that something could go wrong at any moment and it doesn't just makes me feel so alive.

I will say that was making me so anxious. I got a really funny video on my Handycam of just like a tiny firework, like zooming up and almost hitting my mom in the head. And the first firework that my family had set off that night, I think it was just like my dad and like maybe my uncle. It was like someone in my family like set it off.

And it just fucking exploded incorrectly. And it literally sounded like a nuke went off in our yard. And like everyone was very off by it and like uncomfortable and just like we shouldn't do this. But of course, we kept going because God can't stop fun. I was about to say literally like actually nothing can stop me from blowing up fireworks. Like my literal brother died like three days before. And I went and bought like a thousand dollars worth of fireworks and blew them bitches up.

nothing can stop me it was a celebration exactly a celebration of life yep but like yeah like I said this a couple days ago but like if I wasn't doing what I'm doing right now like I would be a pyromaniac and I would be burning down buildings for fun fully um you might find that you'd be in jail no I'd be the best arson to ever live simply no arson is a poison true are you sure

yes look it up like for real arsenic is a poison who is that you are literally dumb i'm leaving i'm leaving i gotta go so no one's talking about this is my first coffee in like a week because i wasn't having any at the like when i was like symptomatic oh my god he fucking left all right i'm leaving too like i'm not gonna wait what no we could just okay

um now that she's gone okay boys can have a conversation and we can just chat have a good old time a grand old time all right we're about like crypto or sex or something that sounded so fucking crazy on my end

That's the most insane sound I've ever heard. The Zoom tried to like, tried to like mitigate. Level it out. Yeah, tried to like censor it. Can we talk about me and Drew for the first time in our lives made Zoom accounts? Because you made yours today and I also made mine today. Like I- Yeah, no, I went the entire pandemic without using Zoom because I think this is a cursed app and I think it is

like actually evil what it's done to society. And I want to go, I so badly just want to attend in-person meetings, but I know it's just not good. But like, I think this is actually making us like socially dumb. Zoom? Zoom is? Why? Expand on that. I don't have to.

yeah kai like oh no kai gets a camera and a mic on him and all of a sudden he wants to ask this question and explain things oh i'll turn his fucking camera off next time he comes can you guys hear me still can you at least hear me oh i forgot to mute oh my god can you mute him damn okay he's muted see this see this is the way things should be did you feel like a sense of like calm in like

Like, just like a good energy just rush over once that happened. No, like for real, like when he was in here, it felt like this weird, like omnipresent, like evil, like something evil was lurking over us. And at first I was like, oh, it's because we have COVID. Like, so like the universe is out to get us. They see us thriving and they're like, we need to kill off this podcast. It's doing too well. But I just realized it was, it was literally Ty. Oh my God. He's fucking texting me.

oh my gosh put me back okay just um i don't think we should have him back like what is what do we we're a guest having podcast him i'll let him ask the question

I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore and you're probably thinking wow oh my god I feel so bad for them they deserve ads uh but we're doing our job you're not doing your job you need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again I like I can't believe I miss reading ads I like I miss the taste um can you guys hear me oh my god that's your fucking question

I give him one question and he asks, can you hear me? That has to be stupid. He has to be dumb.

Wait, actually I saw, because now there's like all these clip accounts coming up on my For You page on TikTok of the podcast. And someone had a comment where they were like, oh, like, I can't believe like these bits they do are just improv. And someone, some smart ass, I was like, if I could fucking reach the phone and smack the shit out of you, I would.

They were like, isn't every conversation improv? I'm like, are you in fourth grade? You are like the worst person ever. I can't get over how fucking greasy I am. It's the fucking piss. It is the piss. I think it's the piss. I should disconnect now. Should I disconnect? Yes, you should probably stop your piss intake. Also, because we had a vow that you would only take my piss. And I don't know whose piss that is. And I didn't want to bring it up.

It's pharmaceutical grade. Because I didn't want to seem jealous. We made one exception, pharmaceutical grade piss. You know this. Oh, because mine isn't good enough anymore. How am I going to get your piss in America? I mean, in Texas. New year, new piss, I guess. That's a new saying. Yes, actually it is. Because if you're going to be a hate and ass bitch, I'm not going to drink your piss anymore. Sorry. Well, you probably shouldn't have my COVID piss anyways. So are you going to apologize? Why would I apologize to you?

typical i need a cigarette does it look like i need a cigarette right now girl i need you it looks like you need to be put back into the asylum you're serving american horror story asylum i need a cigarette man no i wanted a cigarette so bad one of the first nights i was here i was like

I was itching, but I didn't have one. My mom has a puff bar. So thank you guys. Thank you world. My mom smokes puff bars now, but she's just like me. She just likes the flavor of it. I did not see her inhale a single bit of it. She was just tasting it. New year, new me. I stopped puffing. And then at the very beginning of this year, I started puffing again.

Well, because according to everyone, like, the world is ending, so you might as well do whatever you want. Did you see the, like, not to make this whole episode about disease, but, like, did you see the Florona thing? No, and I refuse. Yeah.

It sounds pretty. It actually sounds beautiful. It sounds like a beautiful flower that if you touched it would like kill you. It plants a seed in your brain and it sprouts and you become a new person. I might be spreading false information, but I like saw on the news in Miami, which is like red flag one. It's on the news in Miami. It's like Florona. It's the flu and COVID together. Yeah.

So we're literally done. We're done. No, the craziest thing is all these. Okay. This is another thing is all of our friends that are like testing negative, negative, negative, but are sick. Aren't testing themselves. Right. Oh, fully because we're,

Um, like, if you're sick, it's like, I'm pretty sure it's COVID. It could be the flu. But like, all of them have been like exposed to COVID. So I'm like, there's no way you're sick right now. And it's not COVID. And it's something else. But like, I was, I watched this video, and it was like telling you how to like properly test if you have like a negative test, you should use the second one immediately. And it's like, okay, so they you do the nose swab. But for Omicron, it really like

congregates in the back of your throat. So like if you test negative in your nose, you should test in the back of your throat with an at-home test. And if it's negative with both those methods, then you probably- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Test the back of my throat? Yeah, you're the throat goat. I mean, it would be really easy. Honestly, I've like gone as far as testing like whatever is down here, but like- Your deep esophagus?

yeah i don't test my throat i actually test my like esophagus oh because like i feel like the the covid is like all down here so i just like you don't have to do that at all you don't have to do that true i've been testing um i've been testing my butt that's not okay

Kai, it just sounds like you wanted to finger your ass, which is like, you can tell us that you just wanted to finger your butt. Man, he's sniffing his fingers. Look. No, I like wash them since I did that. My little vanity light has been covering Kai the whole time. My mic has been covering Kai too.

It felt very weird when he moved up into your section. Like he moved up into the top and like I had to turn his camera off one more time and then move on. Stop turning my camera off. Come on, guys. Why do you want to be seen all of a sudden? I just thought it would be cool. It could be like a cool little, you know, we're doing like a special episode. You should be seen by a therapist. Don't be trying to be seen by us. Okay. All right. Message received.

um kai actually how have you been um i've been good i woke up i think i have coronavirus or omnicron whatever where's your fucking mask dude i'm in a room alone by myself i don't think yeah but we're talking to each other so really fucking safe of you and yeah i don't think drew like understands how the internet works i think we we need to explain to him that

You don't have to explain 5G to me, buddy. You don't have to explain 5G to me.

what kai isn't understanding is i will always pick your side so don't fucking talk to my girl like that kai like put your fucking mask on if if drew says put your mask on put your mask on like you're just one of those people who you have to fight it which i find very i'm not fighting anything we're on a zoom call like it it's not i'm not gonna give you guys of maskless people that's what i'm saying i'm afraid of people we're technically in a room full of

of people right now i don't know whatever that's just me though also if you're watching this and you don't have a fucking mask on what is your problem true yeah you're a freak if you go out unmasked except for me i just like i don't really it fucks with my makeup and i don't like that so i'm not gonna really do it um it fucks with my makeup and gives me like resolutions yes yes

Okay, I guess I'll go first. So one of my New Year's resolutions is in 2022, I'm going to be honking more. Honking like my car horn more or Inya's car horn. That's a good one. I've actually thought about that. I feel like I don't honk enough. No, exactly. I'm going to start being like a more like aggro driver. Okay. What? Is that it? I mean, that was one of them. Yeah.

Let me read this other fucking stupid ass note that I took that I was talking about earlier. Never seen a moldy hot Cheeto. That has got to be some strong ass bacteria to eat hot Cheeto dust. Bacteria? Bacteria. Have you ever seen a moldy hot Cheeto?

Well, no, but I haven't seen moldy chips in general. Oh, I've seen moldy chips, but I've never seen a moldy hot Cheeto. And that's because maybe we need to look at the hot Cheeto coating because it could be antimicrobial. Oh my fucking God. Antimicrobial. Hello? Are we going to focus on the mic or me, baby?

No, no, no. I'm sweaty again. I had to shrink down in this corner. Stop. I had to shrink down to here because the light doesn't reflect off my face properly. Drew, you honestly look fine. I think you look great. I was going to say, you look really good. I think you're in your head. Keep going. You look really good and I get super horny whenever I see your face. Did Enya leave? Okay.

She left. You're not going to leave though, right? Like you're going to stay with me to leave. Don't you? No, I don't want you to leave. I was just making sure. You should leave. You should leave. You should leave. So disrespectful. Please don't leave. I'm going to freak out in here alone. Please don't leave. Fuck. All right. So I guess I could just do the podcast. No, you're not supposed to be talking. You're literally not supposed to be talking. Okay. You're an attention whore. I, you guys literally left. Like, I didn't, I mean, I didn't know what to do.

Oh, so now it's the, when Enya and Drew leave, it's the Kai podcast. That's what the title is? I was just trying to, you know. It's interesting, actually. Dude, the voices without the video is really crazy. Hold on. Oh, my God. Kai, carry the podcast for a second. Okay. Wait, what? No, why does he have to carry it? Hold on, Al. All right, so basically the way that...

cryptocurrency works no oh my god i'm gonna freak the fuck out shut up no he asked me to carry the podcast your 2022 resolution should be to ground yourself in reality with some bitches and get over nfts and crypto that's what that's what 2022 resolutions for all you nft bitches should be is look for bitches in real life oh my god

I thought that was actually Drew first. Oh my god. When you, I forget what episode it was, when you were like, there's no bitches in the metaverse. That was one of the most iconic things he has ever said. It did not get enough love, simply. It was fucking hilarious. Well, you know, jokes are funnier when they come out of the mouths of men.

See, I can be, I can be for men. Like people only listen when men are in the room. Like when men are in the room, they dominate the room by default. Like I can say things that are positive about men. There's no bitches in the metaverse. Yeah. Zero bitches. Oh, let's go. That was actually really, can someone clip that? Can someone clip that?

We're not on Twitch. What the fuck are you talking about, Kai? Who are you talking to? How about you find some bitches in the metaverse? You weren't even in focus. Oh, fuck. No, I wasn't. You were. Look at this silly little camera. What are your other resolutions, Drew? It can't just be honking in my fucking car. It actually can be.

uh no legitimately one of my resolutions is i want to try to gain 15 pounds of muscle by june actually do you want to split um a gym membership uh yes actually i've i want to do that with you and orion so bad where we do that three-way one and then come on can it fucking focus on me damn um you look beautiful thank you

I want to do it because you're not in focus. But I have to sit down here because I'm like, I'm hella greasy. You don't look greasy. Just put the blur up on Zoom and you'll look beautiful. Is there a way to do that? Yeah. How do I do that? Go to preferences. And then I don't know. You're on a PC. You can look pretty like me. But yeah, no, I am so down to...

do a gym membership three ways two ways dude we fully should because i would love to i was thinking about going on more bike rides as one of my solutions and just like working out a little bit because that was like probably the best i felt was like when i was working out just to like get my like endorphins moving and i felt really good

And I want to do that. And then I thought about how I would have to definitely take my bike to a bike shop because there's no way that the tire isn't flat on it. And I immediately was like, I'm never going to do that. I'm just like, never. That's never happened. The dream dies there. But yeah, I know legitimately I do want to like, I want to just get healthier. I know everybody fucking says that, but yeah.

Yeah, I think it's time for me to start like using my fucking body a little bit and not just be like sedentary all the time and rotting. You could use your body in a bedroom setting, preferably at night with me. I could just like binge press you. Is that what you mean? Yeah, sure. Whatever. Okay. So anyway, the way that blockchains work is instead of having like a centralized...

um database you take that you take that centralize my foot right up your fucking ass i explain what an nft is oh okay yeah i can explain that now do you actually not have any more resolutions you've only talked about honking your i guess no you want to get healthy yeah i um i have um that i want to appreciate and rejuvenate is that the saying that girl says

She says innovate and elevate. She actually took out innovate. I don't know why though. What's the tea there? Why'd you take out innovate? I don't know. Yeah, but I want to appreciate a little more and that's my vibe. My vibe is to

be more incoherent. I don't want to have big lengthy conversations about moral dilemmas or like moral ideology and integrity. I don't care about integrity. I care about having fun, looking good, having sex. And that's it. That's literally all I care about for 2022. That's actually like really fucking powerful.

No, actually something that I told Kai is I want to try dating this year. Girl, what the? Oh, is it because you're terrified that you're about to turn 24? Yeah, actually. Actually it is. No, no. I just was like, I've been like alone forever. And I think I've grown up enough where like, I kind of like know myself a lot more now. And I think I'm ready to just like,

figure that whole dating shit out that would be fucking awesome but also simultaneously terrified because I think what I'm looking at for in a partner doesn't exist so you said what you're looking for in a partner doesn't exist yeah what are you looking for in a partner I don't know that's the thing it doesn't exist I have very high expectations in other people and yeah I love dating

I'll put my life on the line today. I want a partner and I want friends. That's literally all I care about. And clothes and looking pretty and having sex. Yeah. And having conversations. Yeah. I think this is like a good year to just like have very surface level conversations with everybody.

No, literally, I'm so fucking tired of getting into like nauseatingly long conversations. Some people are gonna get so annoyed with me because like the more the podcast goes on, the more I show my colors of just being like,

pretty like surface level and like, I don't give a fuck, but trust me at one point I was the most like, no, we need to talk about it. We need like high communication. We need this, that no, no, no, no, no, no, no more. I want, I want nothingness. I want to have fun. I want to shake my ass. I don't want to do anything intense.

no something else actually for 2022 that I want to do is like like I feel like the second half of 2021 like we worked our asses off and I also want to carry that into 2022 and I want to just like drown myself and work not like drown myself and work but just like like do every opportunity that comes my way and like um

just kind of say yes to more like, to like advancing my career. I feel like, I feel like that's like, yeah. Cause I've, I've been like stuck in this mind state where I'm like, no, like I'm very comfortable where I'm at. Like, I like, I love the people that I've liked, like the audience that I've garnered, but no, I'm going, I'm going big.

like I want to I want to expand go big or go home exactly and also that that starts with um everyone who's watching this stop fucking gatekeeping me and then yeah stop gatekeeping us bitch how about that I think tell your family

The problem we'll run into is that the people who do stumble upon this gatekeep it, not because they want to gatekeep it, but because they know their normal friends won't like it. They're embarrassed to share us with the world, which is understandable.

It's like one of those things where like you get in the car and like the song at the top of Apple Music is playing. Like that's just the one that automatically plays and that one can be really embarrassing. That's how people feel about the podcast is like they'll be like, oh, can I get the aux? And they get it. And the last thing playing was this and it starts playing and they're like, oh, my God. Sorry. I was just like I was I was just cleaning my room. I just need like like nothing like I. Sorry. I was just hate listening to them, actually. That's great.

We do, I'm sure, we have to have some hate listeners. And I wonder if we've converted any hate listeners to... Yeah, actually, if you were originally... No, exactly. If you were originally a hate listener, leave a comment. Let us know if you love us now. But if you still hate us, go die. Stinky bitch. Sweaty, stinky bitch. If you are listening to this with hateful ears right now, I'm going to blow up a balloon with my COVID breath and go in your face and fucking pop it.

On New Year's Eve, we had balloons and my mom was blowing them up with her fucking COVID breath. And I literally said to her, I was like, you're across the table from me right now creating like nuclear bombs. You're literally creating bombs. It was like that one joke in the very beginning of the pandemic where she was like, I'm going to breathe into a plastic bag. Her name is like Riley on TikTok. Yeah. Yeah. That's so funny.

That's literally what my mom was doing. I was like, you're lucky everyone here already has COVID because if you didn't know you were symptomatic and you're sitting here blowing these things up, you would fucking kill someone. And yeah, but actually on a serious note, a resolution, a few resolutions of mine is to read more books. I would like to actually read more books and stop buying books, like read the books I have.

work more, work harder. And kind of, I am serious about like being more chill. Like I don't want to have like any of the anxiety I've had for two years about like morally being good and like trying to prove I'm good. Like I'm a good person and I'm like over trying to prove it. Like I'm a good person and I get good head. Like, I don't know why, like I have to like sit here and fight like for like-

like to prove that um and yeah that's kind of it oh and grow my hair if by the end of the year my hair isn't past my fucking tit let's just say drew you will find a new host you will you will i give you permission to move on kai you're probably first in line okay no actually that's the one thing is kai i can't replace me you have to get like orion okay okay yeah actually that's perfect

Yeah, you have to get like my three contestants are like Orion, Elsie or like Elisa. Those are the ones that can. It has to be another girl. You get what y'all are just going to have like the white guys who like like crypto and stuff. Podcast. There's like literally 80 of those. But maybe number four would be me on that list. You didn't mention. What are you talking about? Number four. I think you are like number 18.

Oh, 18. Safely. Maybe 20 because I can think of a lot of people. 20. It's okay. Yeah, no, it's fine. I mean, you can climb the ranks a little bit. I'm not going to tell you how. I think you know how. I do know how. I have to give you head. I understand how to do this. I know what you're talking about. It's the industry. I can't even say what I was going to say.

because if it happens we lost let's just say what no i can't i can't say i can't put that into the world no say it you have to i have wood to knock on okay i have wood too because i do have a bulging penis under my blanket right now that's what my wood was oh drew yeah

um because i was gonna say i was gonna be like no the fourth runner up to replace me would be fran lebowitz duh and then i was like thinking about like eve babbitt and joan didion and betty white like all passing and i was like girl she's a bag of bones i don't think she's that old i feel like she's like 78 now

I don't know. She might be. Yeah, she might be 70 something. Oh, she's 71. Oh, she's got time. Hopefully. Lad's got time. Should I just start reading some of my notes? You guys didn't ask me what my resolution is. Oh, what? Okay. Actually, I'm sorry, Kai. I'm being mean to you. What's your resolution? As long as it has nothing to do with crypto and NFT and it has to do with real life, maybe getting a new sweater or like new shoes or something like that.

All right. So I just like, I was thinking about it and I was like, I want to do like a real one, obviously. And I kind of, no, Enya, come back, come back. I'm serious. This is like serious. For my resolution, I want to like have less sex. I just, I had too much last year. So can you hear me still? You guys can hear me, right? The only number that's less than two, but more than zero is one.

- So he wants to have sex once, 'cause he said he just needs to have sex less times. - Oh yeah. - Than he did this year. So it's like, so you just want to- - Who is he having sex with? Kai, who are you having sex with? - I've been having sex with Drew. I've been having- - I think it's muted off the rest of the, like the video recording. I just wanted to apologize, Enya. It's not that deep. It's not that serious.

you like you know how I feel about like having sex with people and like it is that serious for me so the fact that you would even come to my face and tell me that's not that serious when it is for me like you know you're my little cream pie if you didn't already have COVID I cannot wait why is no one calling somebody their cream pie I want to be someone's I want to be someone's cream pie

oh yeah oh wait I have to invite Kai back to video okay so I'm just gonna start reading my I was just waiting I was like damn they're just not gonna give me the camera back Kai what's your real resolution though if you have my real resolution is to not be so dictated by fear I feel like a lot of my decisions if I'm really honest with myself are kind of rooted in like

fear and just worrying about what the outcome is going to be instead of just doing it because I want to do it or if I think it's best for me. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, that's like, I was talking with Quinn and she was just like kind of explaining like sort of the same thing. She was just saying like the second, like it's not really the same thing, which it's like this quote, it's like the second you start creating for like financial reasons,

purposes like God leaves the room and that really resonated with me in a way because I was like oh like not everything I create is for like financial gain but like I have like found myself like doing less because it's not profiting me as much as possible and I think that's another thing for me this year is to just like create more

just for myself type vibe. That's fucking awesome, Kai. And also you, Drew. Yeah, I feel like I don't really, I don't know if I'm dictated by fear, but I am like, one thing I do want to let go of is like anxieties with like timing and feeling like I have to be doing certain things work-wise. I need to get better with that. So like that maybe kind of,

coincides a little is like I always see people going on these like granted who knows if we're gonna fucking be able to travel because god forbid there's a fucking other lockdown but something I think about a lot is like there's like a lot of like places I want to go and something that always stops me is I get like really anxious about like the timing of it and like

like oh but if I do this then I'm not working and like blah blah and I want to kind of let go of that and like have more experiences that aren't my like normal just like random key experiences I want to go out also key not like k-e-y but like key like k-i like that's something I was thinking about I was like when you said that on the podcast I was like how many people think Inya's like

a coke head that she just does key bumps I need a key right now I like need a key um a key let's have a kiki um yeah like uh

That's another thing is like spending money on experiences is like something I want to like start doing is like, because like all we all know that like I literally hoard my wealth. I'm like the problem in America I hoard my wealth, and I want to start spending it on experiences. And I'm the complete opposite. I don't hoard any money I don't think it's real and I have a problem. And that's why we have emergency intercom.

That's actually something I should have a resolution for in 2022 is be better with spending. Except since I've been sick and just at home, I've been ordering things. You've been trapped in your bedroom. So that's what you've been doing is ordering things. Oh my God, Drew. I got the cutest necklace pendant ever. I'm literally going to show you on here and then maybe we should get into media. Yeah. I have one more note that I want to read. Go for it.

It's kind of really gnarly. So when I first came to Texas, I like felt fine. And then like two days after I got here, oh, you got one. Holy shit. It's so fucking cute. Wow. That's such a cute necklace. But when I first got here, I don't know what the fuck I ate. I think it was like my grandma sent one of those like

like charcuterie board in a box things and like they were like uh like gourmet slim jims in it or whatever and i like was like i'm gonna um eat a bunch of these so i like started eating like a shit ton of these like gourmet slim jims and i ate like

fucking five of them. And like immediately my stomach was like, Oh, what the fuck did you just do to us? And then like for the next two days, I swear to fucking God on my entire life, I was actually shitting oil, like orange oil, like there would be like oil slick on the top of the toilet water. And it was like beads of orange oil.

It was the strangest thing of my life. And my stomach was so upset. It was fucking insane. It was literally beads of oil. And I would flush the toilet and they wouldn't go away. So I had to like flush like three times. Are you sure this wasn't just like a nightmare that you had? No, I swear to God it happened. Like why did this come up? It's just in my notes. I just, I needed to talk about it. But I shit orange oil and I was like, okay, am I tripping or like, like,

like am I dying so I like googled it and it's like something if you eat like really fatty food or this certain type of fish um or like a bunch of these certain type of nuts and I didn't think I ate any of that but I'm assuming it was just like really oily meat sticks that like made me actually shit oil like I was like I should have fucking collected it and put it in my mom's car and drove that around

Yeah. But no, and I thought I was tripping, but when I was telling my dad this story, he was like, I was wondering what that was in the toilet. He was like, there's orange beads in the toilet. Literally me because my shit always leaves skid marks and y'all are like, what is that? I'm like, ooh, a little snack for later. Okay. Well, thank you for sharing. I got you. I'm going to start with my media because I'm about to piss and shit myself.

Let's think. Let's think. What? I feel like I've watched a movie. Oh, My Media is a true story. It's the show with Kevin Hart in it. I'm entering a loving Kevin Hart era. I used to be a Kevin Hart hater, like most people my age. But I think he's an awesome actor. I might have even said this in the last episode, but I finished the show, so I don't think I did. But

True Story is fucking awesome. It's very just like drama for drama. And then for... Oh, I read Slow Days, Fast Company by Eve Babitz. Rest in peace. Ripped.

Um, so good. Duh. Such a fun read. Also made me like on top of being stuck in Miami, that book, I'm like, I need to go back to LA right now. And I haven't felt like the urge or love or want for being in LA in a long time. So that book is really good because she's just like unapologetically, like so into being in LA. Awesome. And I was like, you know what? Maybe I do like it there. Yeah.

For media, A Variant for Root Bread by Hope Sandoval and the Warm Inventions, or is it Intentions? Yeah, and the Warm Inventions. Fallen by Lauren Wood and Not a Lot Just Forever by Adrian Lenker. Yes. Okay. The Eve Babbitt's recommendation was awesome. I want to read that. There's another, there's a book that I've been meaning to read

by another, the late Joan Didion that Orion recommended to me recently. Blue Knights? Yes, yes. I have that one. Oh, we should start reading it together. I'd actually be down. Is it a sad book though? Yeah, because I think that's about her grieving. Yeah, the grieving one. So I don't know if I'm going to do that because that's another thing. Kai inspired this one, but like I'm avoiding like,

everything that i don't even know this is probably something everyone does but like i'm avoiding everything that like makes me sad and existential like in 2022 like if if i if i like if it's not actively making me like happy maybe maybe that's what it is i'm gonna have like a hedonistic 2022 except like not like fully hedonistic but like

I'm just gonna do everything that makes me happy and like avoid all the shit like that like stimulates me intellectually intellectually but like makes me fucking cry myself to sleep at night but yeah uh my songs for this week all over the shop by luke sanger um half-blood prince by baby tron um four horsemen by jacob this one's for you and otis by the dirty column

The Dirty Columns. I love the, like, because most of the Dirty Columns music, if I'm not wrong, is just like modulated guitar, like run through a bunch of pedals. Yeah. But this one has like some nice percussion in it. And it's really, really fun. And then I've just been watching a bunch of like shitty TV and YouTube. So I don't really have any media. I did watch Spider-Man No Way Home.

Oh, that is something I watched too. Yeah, that was fucking really fun. And that's another thing is like, I'm going to start appreciating literally all the media that's put out into the world instead of like having like pretentious brain. I think I've already been doing that though for the last two years, but like, I'm going to just start enjoying everything. And like, that was just like an unforgettable like cinema experience, like for, I think like

And I just really loved it. It was really fun. Dude, wasn't it so fun? Like, I won't spoil everything, even though I feel like everybody in the world has seen that movie. But, like, when everyone would clap when certain, like, characters came up. And it was just like... Dude, I went into watching that having no idea what it was about. And even I was like... No, I was genuinely blown away by all of the, like... All of the crazy shit that happened. Like, I... Same. Like, when all of the... Yeah, I won't get into it. But...

Yeah, that was really a blast. And if you haven't seen it, which I'm pretty sure everyone who has readers watching this has seen it, go watch that. And that's my media.

I will say it also made me realize I was such a Spider-Man kid when I was a kid. Like I watched every single Spider-Man movie. Like it was one of my repeat movies. And we also had all the games on PS2 and like even up to PS3. Those games are so fucking fun. I like need to, we should get Spider-Man for my PS2 and like play it again. It's like so fucking fun. And yeah.

Well, thank you for tuning in to this episode of Emergency Intercom. It was a little weird one, but we had to quarantine. So I hope you enjoyed it regardless. Happy New Year. I hope all of your dreams come true. And I hope you have a triumphant 2022. Also, fuck you, TikTok, for taking my video down.

Everyone probably saw that and was like, oh, he took it down because it didn't have enough likes. No, I took it down because fucking TikTok took it down. Asshole. Why would you even take it down? For harmful activity? I don't fucking know. Maybe it was me holding a gun, but I was like...

literally 30 videos on my feed today where I had people holding guns in them so I don't know fucking stupid all right well thank you guys for listening hopefully next episode we'll be back in our grimy little corner peace love unity and respect bye