we are going to be in squid games
58:14 Share

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, small more. Live from New York City! Yay!

Should I start it off with something really exciting that I've been holding back from you but you kind of know about? Yes. You finally get to see it? Yes. So the other night I was hanging out without Drew, miracle, miracle occurrence. I say miracle occurrence like I'm not always hanging out without you. Whoa. I'd just be hanging out. I got so many friends and like some of them I can't bring Drew around because all of them are going to try and have sex with Drew and I don't want to see it because it makes me jealous.

But the other night I was like hanging around some friends and we ended up talking about Squid Game because we were all watching the Squid Game Challenge. And I was like, oh my God, I could have sworn I saw online that you can sign up for the next Squid Game Challenge, like the next season. And I looked it up and you can. So I signed up. But what I didn't realize when I was signing up is you have to like, which this makes sense. You have to upload pictures of yourself and a video, like a self tape. Like they said anywhere, it has to be like,

10 to 20 seconds of why you should be in squid game. So I did it. And wait, should I do that? I'll show you that after, but I'll just say some of the answers I had. What was funny about it is like, it, it would be like, Oh, what are you going to do with the money? But,

they had a list of things like you couldn't write out exactly what you were going to do with the money it was like a scroll down list of things you would do so it's like donate some to charity like buy a house for my family buy a house for me one of them was relocate which is like how many convicted criminals are signing up for squid game and they're like i must relocate wait have you seen never that's another tangent but there was like this uh

governmental program that sent out free baseball tickets to a bunch of the most wanted felons and criminals to their emails. And they ended up arresting almost 2,000 people showed up to this free game and they all got arrested. That is so fucked up. It's crazy. But also like

Come on now. It was like murderers and killers. And it was in like the early 2000s. But it's also so funny because like, why did you think you were randomly getting a ticket? They like pulled up and they were like, like just chopping it up with everyone. And they're like, oh, I also committed a crime. And like people are getting wise about it. Yeah. But I'm going to do that with everybody I find attractive. And then, um,

I'm not going to finish that sentence, actually. I'm going to practice self-respect and control. It's going to be hard for you. You don't have a lot of respect for yourself. Yeah, I'm lacking. I'm lacking really hard. Can you get that for me for Christmas? You're lacking in a lot of things. What else?

I'm not even going to go there. Boobs. I'm not going to go there. Drew's been trying to convince me to get a boob job, to get bigger boobs, because he says that sometimes they're hidden under my clothes, and he doesn't like that. Yeah, it's just like...

I need to see more of my girl's body. But if another man sees it, like, it's going to fucking be spot on. If you wear that out, you're, like, literally a certified fucking slut. Because that should be for my eyes only, even though the reason I got with you is because I saw you out like that. I'm going to make an album called For My Eyes Only. And what's it going to be about? Just music to people's ears.

It's not going to have like you're just going to have that like. Did Drake make an album called For Your Eyes Only? No, it's For All The Dogs. No, no, no. Like there's an album For Your Eyes Only or something like that. Number four, Your Eyes Only. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could take it still. We got both finishes. Oh, yeah. So like it had that. And I think I just put Keep The Money For Myself.

Which is kind of my vibe recently. Like my money hoarding. I'm entering money hoarding. I literally have a note saying that we need to start hoarding wealth again. We need to make hoarding wealth great again. I believe in hoarding money. I don't believe in equal pay. Yes. I think you should take advantage of people. Like a billion dollars isn't that much money. It's not enough. It's not that much money. I don't think people...

Like, if you work hard for your money off, like, other people's labor and you're just smart enough to just take advantage of other people and, like...

pay them fucking dog scraps while you hoard the wealth sitting in your fucking corner office in a skyscraper. Like, you deserve three, four, five billion dollars. Yeah, because you worked for that. You had to put all your morals aside and become a psychopath and that's not easy. You were evil. I was watching Succession. It wasn't until three seasons in that I watched and I was like, oh, these are supposed to be rich people. To me, I was like, these are poor people.

I'm watching that board. Yeah, like they don't have nearly as much money as they should. Like until you're in the billions, I'm like, what's the point? Yeah, yeah. I actually can't believe that some people genuinely think that. They're like, dude, a billion is nothing to me.

to me. I love the like hardcore bootlickers that are like they worked hard for that money like define hard. No they didn't. Yeah. They did not work hard. The people that are working hard are the fucking cashiers that have to interact with nasty fucking entitled gross people like you. Exactly. Demanding their snack wrap now. Yeah.

I'm so congested it's disgusting. I'm still sick if anybody cares. I probably have white lung. Yeah, oh, don't even get me started. Don't even get me started. White lung COVID 2.0 around March next year. Of course, it's the same time around elections that a new scary disease is taking over the planet. It's kind of ironic. It's kind of ironic. We don't know what the fuck it is. It's affecting our kids and our children. The white lung is...

is coming for you prepare for another one prepare for another shutdown you were literally a hypochondriac because he said something to me yesterday i didn't say anything because i was like i'm gonna let you rock because you're also falling asleep but from my room because he's also been sleeping in my room oh yeah let me let me let me talk about that real quick

So I started a major 3D print project for my blind box toys. We'll insert the photos of the failure that it was. And then we'll tease a nice little figurine that actually looks good that still broke. But...

I like started and embarked on this journey and like the fumes from that 3D printer are so toxic and evil that like literally for the past like two or three days, like I actually have not been myself and I have fully melted the brain cells that I had left in my fucking brain because like I was like interacting with this like liquid uncured resin that's super gaseous and like the fumes just like

latch onto the oxygen molecules and like take over it. I don't fucking know the science behind it, but like long story short, it's carcinogenic and it stops the oxygen from getting to my brain. So I've been sleeping in Enya's room because I've been trying to air my room out for the past four days, but it still smells hella toxic.

um and from the hallway he like yelled at me as he was falling asleep in my bed and he was like i think i have what's the word turn off the light hypoxia he's like i think i'm suffering from hypoxia and i was like what is that and then he like read it he's like so i've been doing some research which like googling your symptoms is not do some research no no i just i didn't do no research i just know what hypoxia is like off the top of my head like

It's a lack of oxygen. You are such a hypochondriac because why do you know that? Well, it's because I was like doing like anatomy and physiology and all those medical classes. Which is like the worst thing you could have ever done because now you think you know what's happening. No, I literally also have a note taken down about like how like it's almost that time where I like start fiending to be sick again where I'm like, like, I love the attention I get when I'm sick. There's something wrong with you.

No, we know. We know. Me and my alters know. Your voices both kind of sound like parallel universe versions of you. Yeah. I know. I feel like I'm just going to be stuck like this forever. Yeah. The audio listeners are like, who the fuck are these people? We replaced ourselves because we were just tired of working. And like we're already starting that money hoarding idea. We're going to get someone to replace us who does all the work and we're going to pay them maybe $2 an hour.

So $2 an episode. You average that out. We're paying them good. They're making eight bucks a month. That's good, yeah. But...

I was laying in bed and I said I had hypoxia. Why did I say I had hypoxia? He was like, because like, I just like haven't been getting enough oxygen to my brain because since I'm congested and I had all those fumes, I'm like trying to breathe through my nose and not breathing through my mouth, which is like breathe through your fucking mouth. I will never be a mouth breather. Absolutely fucking not. Oh yeah. Break my three year mewing streak for what? Some fucking oxygen from my blood. No, no.

Why do you think people have been calling me sexy? It's because my hair is out of my face and they can see my jawline. Look at the comments on Josiah's new video. Every single one is about me being sexy. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. We'll insert them because I actually...

I'm so happy you guys are here to support me. Went through and screenshotted them because they made me feel so good about myself. I'm scared. Drew actually looks good. As a straight woman, I'm so attracted to Drew. I'm going insane. As a straight woman. Drew looks way too sexy in this video. Drew looks so good. I'm tired of y'all denying it. Like...

The way Drew looks like a meal. Drew is really serving Jesus. I can tell the Grindr church app has been doing work. Yes, it has. Drew looks so good. What the fuck? Drew looks so good in this vid. I was low-key...

fan fantasizing oh i was low-key fantasizing drew looks like a victorian prince drew looks good as hell okay we get it you don't understand how much i needed this after you see any comments about me was there no no look and these are all just like straight up screenshots like every single one of these it's just back to back it's just back to back like people want me people love me they desire me we'll have him in your bed saying that he's suffering from hypoxia

I'm throwing this away. And that's why I've been so grumpy. And he was like, and that's why I've been so grumpy the past few days. Well, no, like I've been like hella fucking dizzy, like literally so dizzy all day. And just like yesterday was not my day. I was a little grumpy boy and like I just wasn't having it. But I'm also sick as a dog because I got that dog in me. Oh, you're so cringy, Drew. And you do things like that. Shut up. Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, he was like, well, because I don't breathe through my mouth and I can't breathe through my nose, so I'm suffering from hypoxia. And I was like, what are we... Like, breathe through your fucking mouth. Also, you have been snoring since you were like six. Yeah, it's been bad. Josiah said it was worse than yours the other day when I, like, fell asleep on the couch. When we were both sleeping on the couch, you were fully snoring. Well, let me bring something up that the first night when I slept in your bed, you did. What did I do? What did I do? No, so...

I always, like, wanted... Kyra, are you okay? Yeah. Okay, just making sure. I always, like, was curious about Inya's bedtime rituals just because, like, everyone has the little thing that they do. And, like, I was like, oh, Inya's probably, like, brushing her hair, like, being, like, cute and just getting ready for bed, putting on her lotions and her creams and just, like, doing her little thing, like, whatever that girls do, taking out her tampon, like, period shit. Wait, how long do you think a menstrual cycle lasts? Yeah.

Like apparently years for you because you're a B I T C H all the time PMSing much No, they last for like a week like a few days. Yeah Yeah, I know you're watching that video where it was like the guys try to disguise themselves as girls like and one of the guys was like Doesn't a menstrual cycle last 30 days and I actually could I was like wait a second wait a second like if you were like a

There's no excuse to also be in your 20s and be a sexually active person. Like, that is where I draw the line. If you are a sexually active man and you still think that, it's like, how many times have you interacted with a woman? She's like, yeah, I'm on my period. And if she just like ghosting you for a month and she's like, I'm not on my period anymore. Like, is that what's happening? Like, why do you think that? He just doesn't get play. He just doesn't get play. But anyways, yeah.

We're like laying in bed. I'm kind of doing my thing. Like I have my laptop open playing a video and I'm watching TikTok on my phone. At one point you were like, Drew, turn off your laptop. Like turn the brightness down. Yeah, because it was so bright because I was like kind of falling asleep and I turned my head and it was just like poof.

Yeah, it's like a flashbang. And then so Enya's laying there. She's like slowly dozing off. And then I'm like, what the fuck did Enya just fall asleep to? Like, what is she listening to? So I like listen in. She's literally listening to like the most gruesome, like diabolical, like murder, like podcast show that's like talking about like beheading women and like cutting their limbs off. No, no, no. It's JCS. I have not.

like watch something like that to fall asleep in a long time and I swear on my mother's urn I have not watched something like that to fall asleep for a long time but I was so tired and I didn't have it in me to scroll through TikTok and that was at the top of my timeline and I was like I've already watched all like...

you know evan and caitlin that's what i'll be watching that's my vibe but they haven't fucking uploaded so i was like damn you're gonna push me and i was gonna watch a plane crash video but i was like let me not restart that journey and you're always like why am i so anxious like why am i so scared of everything all the time it's because you fall asleep to murder documentaries like it's crazy it really did i've never seen you fall asleep so fast in my life you know what it is it's like

I think it's less about the content, but it's more about, like, the voice of the people who do that. They have such a specific octave. It's like Joe Pera. Like, it literally just puts me to sleep. That's my ASMR. Yeah, we do have, like, nice voices and shit. Why are you changing your voice? I'm not. I think being congested, like, it...

legitimately the worst thing that can ever happen to me personally. Like, it... Like, I'm not even kidding. I will go on record saying this. I would rather be dead than be congested for a week. Like, I literally cannot exist in this form. Like, this is too much. Yeah, I like... Too much. We've tried to start going back to the gym because we're not, like...

sick anymore we're just left over with some congestion and I'm not kidding the second I start running on that fucking treadmill I start choking on phlegm and it is the nastiest thing ever and it's so embarrassing tell the story tell the story about how competitive you always get on me for being competitive okay I

I have to explain this, though. So me, Josiah, and Drew were at the gym. And, like, before they went off to do their, like, workouts, Drew got on my treadmill behind me. And we were walking together. And the lady behind us, Josie, saw her. And he was like, she just gave us the dirtiest look for doing that. Because it's, like, a bougie gym. And, like, everybody there takes themselves so fucking serious. And I guess I'm one of those people, too, because of what I ended up doing. But, like, Drew was behind me. And we were walking for a second. And I was like, what?

And he left. And now I was, like, stuck in the idea that this woman was watching me because she was right behind me on another treadmill. So, like, I was, like, doing my, like, warm-up. And then I started running. And I was like, oh, my God, I literally can't run because I'm so congested that I, like, can't intake enough air to keep going. And I was, like, overheating really fast since I couldn't intake air. But then...

As I'm running, I'm like, oh my God, this lady behind me is going to see that I only ran for like two minutes and be like, this bitch is just here to play. Like she's not even about it. So then I kept running and choking on my fun because I was like, I will not.

not I will not let her think I am here to fucking play around like I'm about my business bitch but yeah I ran for like three extra minutes and I'm not kidding I almost fainted because I was getting no oxygen to my head I basically embarrassed myself even more because I was so lightheaded from running with no oxygen that I had to like stop the treadmill and like bend down because I almost fainted I will say when I was walking with you to get my heart rate up before my exercising I do like

a little inclined walk for five to ten minutes. When I like got on your treadmill and we started just like goofing off for those like five seconds, I could feel her energy like burst

burning through us. Yeah, burning holes through our backs. She was like, you don't belong here. You do not belong here. I was like, what did we do? We're just like, you're mad because we're young and we're fun. And you're boring. Yeah, and you're here alone and we're here with friends. So you're mad. Period. Loser. Oh wait, I never even finished the Squid Games, the Swish Games thing. Oh yeah. So it was asked

Yeah.

It was like, what do you, why do you want to win the money? And I said, honestly, so I can just like never do anything ever again. I just kind of want to chill with my life. And then it was like, why do you want to be in Squid Game? It's like, so I can prove to everybody that I will win. It was like, why do you think you will win? It was like, because I will. I just know it. And just shit like that. And like, I'll insert the pictures that I like gave for myself because it was asking for like,

Headshot like a full body shot like all this shit. This is one of the pictures I gave If they selected you and would you shave your head for the role? Yeah, what if they were like you actually look like that cuz we'll take you yeah, um

And then this is what I haven't showed Drew, but this is my official Squid Games self-tape. Hey, what's up? My name is EndyUmandor and I want to be on the next Squid Game! Please choose me! I am 5'4", ready to have fun, and I will be winning. So maybe don't choose me because you're going to have to give me 4 points! I fucking hate that voice. Mewing at the end.

Because I had to show them that I could serve cunt, too. Yeah, because you have to. So hopefully, guys, I will be shipped off to Squid Game soon, and you won't see me for six to eight months. Yeah, literally, please. Please, God. Oh, my God. Well, Enya made that, and I heard that they were having a little fun, so I decided to make my own. What would you... Go ahead. My name is Drew Phillips, and I'm casting for the Squid Games.

I'm the villain of the season. Oh, if I know...

I'm the villain of the season. We should just make a song and give it to them. Yo. Oh, but yeah, they're copying my swag because they're like, oh, do you know anybody who signed up for it? And I said no, because obviously they don't want like alliances to be formed all like at first. Also, game shows are so funny like that when they're like, there's alliances. It's like, no, you're literally stuck in a room with random people and you're just making friends. But people like start to get so psychologically torn apart in settings like that, that they see people making connections and they're like,

what are they doing like do we look like an alliance they're forming an alliance it's like no they're y'all are just making friends because you're going to be here for like 15 days in a row should we put this picture up there or should i post this on instagram you should post that on the grinder uh church app hey look at this one kai should i post this on ig the way it would eat down god dude the one of josiah is really naughty

hate Josiah. The way Josiah can take photos really is jarring to me. But yeah, so hopefully I'll be in the next Squidge Games. And I'll be winning. I was telling Enya, I was like, no, like

If you and I went on together and had our little Katniss and Peeta moment where it was between the two of us in the final and you had to stab me in the heart, but we decided to make love instead, they would love. They didn't make love. Drew in the mud. I guess they... Me painting my face in red. Imagine Drew with just his mouth exposed. No, like...

Like the whole thing is like, oh, like we would have to have sex on camera. So like I'm like, why would they not want that for us? Like, why would you know? How is no one fucking in there? Like, oh, they are. They are for sure. When it gets down, like it's two and a half weeks in there, banging, boning, bashing, they're gishing, they're gishing their bash. Like,

let's talk about it yeah i guess maybe they would let us go because they let that mom and son get in exactly so they need another duo for the next season it's gonna be us yeah like imagine the thing is i have such a like big ego and like no you would stab me in the heart so bad complex actually that's like because in my head no in my head i wouldn't compete because i'd be like this is so embarrassing that we're all competing and we want something so bad um because i have like uh no self-respect and i don't believe in fighting for what i want um

that I would in my head in my head I would think I wouldn't do because I'd be like ew like I don't want people to know I really want something that's embarrassing but then I think about how competitive I am in nature and I would be a fucking nightmare I literally am so bad at competitions because I get so like intense for no reason it's never that serious but I need to win like I need to win and if I didn't win bitch let them fucking explode my little chest thing I'm gonna rip it out and like

throw it at someone's head like don't fucking pop that shit on my chest like that's too much and i'm not gonna act like i'm dead because they had all those bitches falling on the floor like they're dead if they pop my shit i'd be like that that was too far like making their squidge explore squib explode and then like them having to fake death after losing 4.5 million dollars like it's od like it's crazy some of them were really giving giving like a fake death before like they were like i'm gonna get this emmy like i'm gonna get this fucking emmy like some of them were literally like

Maybe they'll give me money. Like so dramatic. I'm just so proud of you guys.

Because just then the mic was like pointed away, Enya, like over here. And you like intuitively like professional podcaster vibes like knocked it towards your mouth. Wow. I'm just on one. I was about to have to like go engineer mode and be like, oh, like, can you turn them on? No, I just did a bunch of coke this morning. So I'm really like fine tuned today. Oh, wow. Okay. I've been on like a coke bug. It's a little concerning. Yeah, it's been really scary. She's on like a bender. She wakes up at noon. I just can't stop.

She wakes up at noon, everyone. Like, it's really scary. I literally cannot wake up early. Dude, every time it hits this time of year, waking up before 11 a.m. is the hardest task ever. Which is so surprising because the sun comes out earlier to greet you and say hello. I think because I'm just cold and comfy and I'm like, oh, I just want to sleep. Like, I slept for 10 hours last night. That's so crazy. And I kept sleeping. I'm crazy.

I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore and you're probably thinking, "Wow, oh my god, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads." But we're doing our job, you're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I like, I can't believe I miss reading ads. I like, I miss the taste. Well, I'm thinking about getting veneers again.

Are you going to get your teeth shaved down? I would be so disgusted with you. I want big, nasty fucking gum teeth. Like I want big, nasty, bright, white, like horse teeth.

Like I want them to be like. Veneers were the biggest scam. Like that's when like the beauty industry got men and women at the same time. Like actually veneers are beautiful for that. Because I feel like usually beauty standards just fall on women. And like women are having to go under the knife and shit. But they were like, you know what? Both genders will fuck with big teeth. Yeah. Big, big teeth. No, like I think.

veneers when they're done right are actually like really nice and cool but like if you already have nice teeth and you're getting veneers like it is a stab in the heart like it's crazy it was his smile yeah I can't stop imagining you with like huge cartoon teeth yeah

Dude, the thing about veneers is even when they're good, though, like, that first week is really jarring. That first week of, like, new mouth. Re-acclimating. Yeah, like, I have to re-acclimate my eyes to the fact that, like, I know what your teeth looked like. Like, it's, like, a key component to your face. And now they're just big. Yeah.

And we're strictly talking cosmetic. We're strictly, like, if you need fucking fake teeth, do your thing. Like, respect. Respect. But I mean the bitches who, like, they're like, oh, I wish my teeth were whiter. And it's like, what?

No one has white teeth. Yeah, it looks so weird. Like you look like you threw the Paris filter over your face permanently. But I am getting veneers soon. You're going to go to Turkey, get your hair. I'm going to get a hairline and veneers. Also, the people that reached out to me for hairline surgery very early into the podcast, they were like, Wolf Light, you and a buddy out to get two free hairline surgeries. I was offended then because

But now I want it because it would be so funny. Like if I like literally got like a crazy hairline. You should get your hairline like literally right here and have like no forehead. I just want the picture of my face like really big and swollen so bad. I could just beat you the fuck up.

kai you're giggly today yeah dude because kai hit a dab work before we started so he's fucked up he's about to be catatonic was i not supposed to hit that no dude i was gonna say i i peed before the podcast and i put the seat down and yeah he's he's saying he did a good thing so thank you girls are just so unrespecting like just like waiting on my thank you for that why would i say thank you for that

because it's it was super nice you would have fallen your petite body would have fallen into the toilet sometimes I'm so yeah I know I would have been flushed away because I'm so small I would have just like fell right now slid under the door like a piece of paper dude wait

Orion's exhibit and I like was like oh my god I literally have to shit I'm going back there to shit and I didn't even tell Drew that who told you that Sabrina oh because I was like all right bye I'm gonna go shit and I went and grabbed my phone and went to the back and I was like on the toilet and I just hear like and like someone's wiggling the door handle which I immediately knew it was Drew because like who the fuck has the urgency at this exhibit like it's all respectable adults here other than like Orion's three rowdy ass friends and someone's like jiggling the handle and do the voice you did and

There's a fire! Run! There's a fire! Get out! There's a fucking fire! And then I started blowing smoke under the door. I found Inya's vape and I just started blowing smoke. Because I left it on the seat with my purse. Yeah, so I was blowing smoke under the door. It was such a vibe. You're like, where are you evacuating? Get the fuck out! I just harmonized with myself three different layers. I was like,

There's like three voice nods. Whatever. But what were you saying about whatever his fucking nuts is? What the fuck was Einstein? Is that real? Like him sticking his tongue out? Why was he doing that? He was silly. We can't take her anywhere. Literally bag of chips on his head. Like he's fucking crazy. We need to edit that. It's like my girl's crazy. We can't take her anywhere. Why did he do that? Bag of chips. Is that real? He was just having a fun time. Yeah. Yeah.

That was like three days before he died. Really? No, I'm kidding. Wait, what did he die from? I think old age. No, see, he's goofy, but that one is crazy. That's not real. Is that one real? No. Oh, yeah, it is.

See, he was just with the shits. Like, he was down for the vibe. He was just crazy mathematician. Like, mathematicians can let loose and have fun sometimes. Do you think he, like, banged hard or was he, like, mid? I'm not going there with you. Okay. I just feel like he probably, like, put down. Einstein lays pipe. I feel like Einstein laid it down. Like, crazy boots. Yeah, nerds do. Yeah, he hit the back walls for sure. Ew. Oh, my God. Wait.

I just deleted all my notes. You say that every episode. We're good. Like, you don't know how to navigate your iPhone. Every episode, you're like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Two years of work down the drain. Oh, my God. Literally. The new update is, like, too much. Like, you're literally going too far. Like, I wish I had my old phone with my old ass update. Just, like, it's...

Like also this phone doesn't fit in my fucking hand. So like I'll like be on the TikTok feed and like the pad of my hand will like touch the refresh button and I'll just like lose the video that I was intently watching. And I'm just like, okay, fuck this. Fuck this.

I was researching like Christian mega churches, specifically like Texas Christian mega churches. And I don't know if y'all have ever been to a mega church, but it's kind of like a rite of passage like in the in like South Tech, like in the Bible. Yeah, Bible Belt like is to like experience that as a person and like

Really, it is fucking crazy. Like, it's disgusting. Literally disgusting. Because, like, one, they're, like, arenas. Like, in some of these churches, like, 35,000. No, literally, like, 30,000 people, like, capacity for these, like, church events. And two, like, some of them, like, specifically the Christian, I mean, the Christmas, like,

shows that they put on like literally have stage design comparable to like Beyonce's Renaissance tour. Like it's the craziest, like I'm not exaggerating. I feel like every single night they have like a $200,000, $250,000 budget and they do these Christmas shows for like a month straight. Do churches just get their money from their like people who come? Yeah, like a lot of it is, but it's also like all taxed free. But I found a video of,

Wait, what the fuck?

People flying around. It's like the Drake concert. Yeah, more stage design than Drake's concert. Camels in Texas. Like, okay. It's like the Pink concert with them flipping around and shit. Zebras! Drummer boy. Like, this is crazy. Beyonce flying over us at the Renaissance Tour. But yeah. Wait, what the fuck does any of that have to do with God? It's...

That was all one show. Wait, I thought hardcore Christians didn't believe in Santa because Christmas is for God. Christmas is a pagan holiday. It literally is a pagan holiday, but they just know they can make more money doing that shit. That must have cost like a million dollars.

And they do it all the fucking time. And they do regular shows where the sermon, like, or where the preacher's just flying around. Like, every single show, they, like, fly in. That shit must have been, like, three times the amount of a Beyonce concert. Yeah, like, it's unshown. How are they homophobic?

but they're so theatric. - Every person I went to church with that was a very homophobic person, I have seen on Grindr. I have seen you. I know, I see the type of person you are. - Well, that's the church app, so of course they're on there. - You're saying the guy that's doing cartwheels to mid-airs? - That's what I'm saying is like,

is like they're literally so theatric and it's like so it literally reminds me of that video of the drag queens like circling like at that event recently when they like fell I hope they were okay I never like looked at that up I don't show their show um but like I I like don't understand like it is so theatric it is so Broadway so I'm like and then they do all that

And then they're like, okay, but, like, low-key fuck gay people, fuck poor people, we hate you. No, period. No, in my hometown, there's, like, this non-denominational church that, like, for a very long time was, like, the church to go to. It was... It's, like...

It was like 11 in Miami. Yeah, exactly. It was like the club. No, it actually was super high tech, but like in like a modest way. And it was not denominational. And like their motto was like no perfect people allowed. So like no matter what walk of life you come from, like whatever sexuality you are, like whatever the vibe is, like you're welcome in this church and loved and accepted. And for a very long time, I was like, hell yeah, like swag. But the new...

preacher, whatever the hell, is biggest op of all time. He's definitely a closeted gay man because like randomly in every single sermon, he'll just sneak in like,

anti-gay rhetoric he'll just say like the the one that happened recently that caused like a really big stir in my community and like he actually had to publicly apologize because like this church is a good church like i really like if i like lived in granbury and wanted to attend church regularly i would go to this church like it's it's a great place but

Just like sometimes he'll just like get on his high horse and start talking about like gay shit. And I'm like, bro, like, what are you on about? Like recently he was like, what does this have to do with like me losing faith because my mother is sick? Exactly. Like it's so bizarre. And like, he'll like the, the one that caused the controversy was he was like just giving this sermon and all of a sudden he started doing like a standup bit about like his son, like how his son is like star quarterback. And he was like, yeah, like,

My son would never be gay because they say this. There's research studies about wrestling with your kid. It'll stop him from being gay. So I'll just grab him and start wrestling him because my son will never be gay. And everyone was like, oh. And we were all like, oh no, you will like...

are weird. You're weird. Yeah, that's really odd. It's weird behavior. And he, there's like two sermons every Sunday. There's an early morning and an afternoon. And he did, he set up the bit and did the bit the exact same way both times. So, cause it was like super planned and like, he both got laughs, but then like Facebook destroyed him. It had like,

a thousand comments on our small little hometown's like Facebook page and everyone was like yeah it's weird they lost if he doesn't stop like being homophobic like we're gonna stop going to this church and like whatever but it's almost like you can be gay and have faith in God it doesn't have to be like that oh my god wow but like I feel like just priests and like

Pastors and everybody. They just get so tapped into their ego of it. And then they're like, I can expand. They love it. They start to feel like an entertainer. They're the false idol in question. I can move the crowd. I can make them laugh. I can make them cry. I can do anything. Yeah, they're all false idols. If you don't worship anything but your God, false idol. Except for me because I am God to a lot of people, surprisingly. Have you ever just thought to like...

I don't know take into account that you just might be a compulsive liar. Yeah and I am. I am. I thought you were gonna like deny that like. No I am a compulsive liar. It's fun. But doesn't that like go like if if people believe that you're like their god like I don't think people want to like have a god that's like a compulsive. Well if they believe I'm their god then like what's the problem? No I guess yeah you could do whatever you want. Yeah. But do they get to do whatever they want? No. Okay I'm just like.

Lying is fun and whoever I hurt in my wake deserves to be hurt. What the fuck? Randomly. Like, you deserve. Randomly? Random as fuck, but if you fall for my lie, you deserve it? And scene! Okay. The hum of the refrigerator is, like, classic right now. Like, it sounds so good. Like, I'm not even kidding.

Like being up late, like when you're not supposed to, like in the kitchen, like making a mustard sandwich and like mustard and cheese sandwich. Y'all never did that? No. And then you hear like you're being quiet and like eating your sandwich. Were you like raised in the 1920s? Like why is that your sandwich of choice? I was raised in an ingredients house. We had to like thin food. If you wanted food, you had to cook it.

hell no i couldn't i like there was a time when my family caught up that like but there were times when me and my sister would be like so hungry that we would eat raw pasta and uh chocolate chips like i tried to think of what i would always like eat like i'd fuck on some like cup noodles like we always had cup noodles in the crib so that was like my but you had to cook that shit you

You ever eat them raw? And I put cheese in it. Yeah. Oh, classic. Certified classic. I would do cheese, onions, green peppers, and then cheese. How I would do mine is I would cook the noodles on the stove till they are like literally so squidgy and soft that like they have no bite to the noodles left. I would drain all of the water out, literally all of it. Then I would put a chicken bouillon cube and cheese.

the sauce packet in there. Okay, so you give yourself sodium overload. Yeah, exactly. And then I'd put a slice of cheese or two if I was feeling crazy and I'd mix it up and I would make this like gelatinous like glob of salt and like

nasty chicken flavor and I would just eat that down. But like when I was like really young and I didn't know how to use the microwave yet, like, and I was really scared of the microwave for a long time because I put like a fork in there and I made like plasma and like it literally almost burned the house down. I would...

Just take the ramen uncooked out of the bag and pour the flavor packet, the powder flavor packet on it and just eat it like chips. That shit is so good. That was the move. I've never eaten it raw. Because it was like in between pasta where it wasn't like quite as harsh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could still chew it. It was powderized pasta. Yeah, it was crazy. But the top ramen arc was like...

fucking lit. My little sister would always, always, without fail, if we let her cook her cup noodles alone, she would always almost start a fire. Like, I'm not kidding. I can remember eight different occasions where we'd be sitting in the living room and we'd be like...

Like, what's that smell? What's happening? And we go into the kitchen and she's like opening the microwave and she's like, oh, oh, like trying to go around. And she would always forget her fork in her fucking plate that she made of leftovers and always almost. Exactly.

That sounds... Someone needs to put their iPhone in a microwave, the new iPhone, and see what happens. Literally. Like, there was a whole YouTube channel that would put shit in microwaves. That was, like, mine and my buddy's, like, shit for a while before I started dissecting live animals to see their heart beating. But... What? My favorite genre of video right now is, like... Not my favorite genre. It's top ten genre all time. I'll leave it there. Um...

Um, but it's like people like cooking pizzas in the oven and forgetting about them for 24 hours and then just being like a solid mass of charcoal or like cooking their ramen or heating something up in the microwave and forgetting about it. And it went on for 10 minutes and it's just like this black lump of burnt food.

food like those videos will always always always get me and like it will be like a pepperoni pizza and you can see like the black pepperonis on the black pizza like it's certified classic or like they'll like be cooking a turkey and like they'll pick up the bone and it'll turn to fucking powder like that shit's so lit

I love like really old people who don't really know what's like visually appetizing or visually appealing to young people who are just posting TikToks. And then it's like the most jarring scene ever. Like from a young person's view, it is the most off-putting like ominous video. And from their perspective, they were like, this is cute. This is just what I'm eating today. Like it's just what I'm up to. And it's like,

about it is like the colors, the sounds, like the video itself feels like I gave AI a really ominous text and told it to make a video. But it's just this old person existing. That's like all

All of, like, the kids I grew up with are all, like, simultaneously, like, mid-20s, like, starting to get into, like, cooking their own meals. And they are so proud of themselves. And they, like, love the food they cook. And I'm sure it tastes great. But, like, y'all got to work on your fucking plating for real. Work on the presentation. Yes, literally. Because if you're going to post it online...

I'm going to judge the fuck out of you if it's ugly. Like, make it look good. Like, I know it's just serving a purpose and it probably tastes good, but like, I'm not looking at your nasty fucking plate of brown pasta. Like, it does not look good. Like, I don't... I'm not eating it, so I can't tell...

But you're talking about Mason posting his pasta on his paper plate with his his like balsamic vinegar. But he always says it's chocolate sauce and it always looks like chocolate sauce. That's who we're talking about. Yeah. We're calling Mason out. Speed is on a tour right now of him just live streaming. I don't even know if he addresses like the audience, but he just like sets his computer up on stage in front of like 5000 kids and just live streams. And then that's it.

I think. I could be wrong, but honestly, goaded. That is so crazy. It feels like it would be an art installation. That belongs in the MoMA. That's literally what I'm saying. It's honestly like it says a lot without saying much. Well, Drew didn't realize he left a snail trail in my bed, so I have to wash my sheets. It's really annoying. That's why I woke up is I rolled over into something squidgy. It was from Drew.

Do you have a psyop corner or what? Like, are you going to entertain us? Oh, wow. So all I am is a Drew's psyop corner and a Drew's brain floss. No, we don't need the brain floss. Yeah, that's all I am is Drew's brain floss to you guys. Wow. Yeah, I have a few. Imagine you come out of your teeth transplant surgery saying, Harry, I'm out. I made it out alive. Then Harry hovers over the top of you and says,

Who you think gave you the teeth, love? And it's Harry Styles with no teeth. Who you think gave you the teeth, love? My name's Harry Styles and I gave you the teeth, love. Have you seen the picture? Wait, show Kai. I just sent it to you, Kai. Who you think gave you the teeth?

Oi, my name's Average Dio, and I talk about sex and bugging and shagging women. Oi. Who you think gazed at a T-Flo? Like, who made that? A genius. And the hashtag imagine. Classic. Um...

okay bitches be on their phone 24 7 then act surprised when they see 333 444 111 them angel numbers not talking to you babe go the fuck outside you're just on your phone too much that's literally you yeah literally girls with no car always getting the most drama how the fuck you even get there

Dude, you know what's crazy, Drew? Is I was about to look that one up. Oh, that's so funny. Because that one's so funny. That's me to you. Yeah, literally. From 2018 to 2023. It's hard to... That one is good in its own right, but it's hard to follow who you think gave you the T-flow. This one is a certified Drew classic. I came up with this one all on my own.

Imagine your card declines at therapy and they just start telling you the truth that you are the problem. Don't leave. Come back. I didn't come up with that one. Do another one. That's all I got. What? Yeah, I know. You're slacking. It's slim pickings. People aren't posting funny shit anymore. Y'all need to get with it. Or no, I'm just not getting...

Compilations on TikTok.

Oh. Let me not forget my big hat. Just post that picture right now. Screenshot that and send it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Let me not forget my big hat. It's so hard to go through my meme account that, like, I... It's just difficult. Like, I can't even explain it, bruh. Like, it's just hard. My job is so hard. I heart weed. I heart rough sex. I heart freaks. I heart head. Period. Um...

Okay. Oh, this is a good one. Look at my lawyer dog. I'm going to jail. Yeah, yours, your original was crazy. All right, should we do some media? My media of the week is blue face falling off stage. The fart.

to be edited man it is of course but what's crazy is like they edited a reverb on the fart yeah yeah like they wanted the fart to feel like it's like in the room with us is the fart in the room with us i think that's one of the funniest things i've ever seen yeah we'll insert that so y'all can clock that to you too um you don't have to be a star to be in my show by marilyn mccoo and billy davis jr california the live version by joni mitchell

I've been listening to what's it called what is this song called everybody by Nicki Minaj duh like who isn't listening to that and I've been listening to Strike Holster by Lil Yachty a lot I wanna strike shit strike strike strike shit I wanna strike shit hey hey oh my god

Let's do my Discover Weekly for like a surprise and see like what we get into. My Discover Weekly was trying me. They keep trying to feed me new songs since all those songs I was listening to are from the 70s. Kendo subsided. Okay, really ambient. All right, we got Fall Ozean. Let's check to see when this was made because it sounds good. It's made yesterday.

By me. How do you see when it was made? I'm going to go to their profile. You go to the album and then you can scroll down. Oh, 1993. And it has literally no listeners. I put y'all on to something crazy. Well, Spotify just put you on. They got two songs. I just put y'all the fuck on because they got Porcelain too. This is one of my favorites right now. Shoegate. Yeah, no. Thank me later. O-Z-E-A-N. Thank you, Drew, for putting us on.

Remember when all I would listen to was shoegaze and I was like, why do I want to kill myself? Why? Why? You can't understand literally what the fuck are the cocktail twins saying? Like, what are they saying? They're saying if you listen, they're saying I don't know what y'all not. Y'all really aren't listening. You're not hearing them. All right, then song for New York, New Jersey. We praise the 999 heart takes stabilize. Not feeling it, but respect.

Odo Benson, Apogamy. Are we going through your whole Discover Weekly right now? Oh, this is... I love this. I have to shit so bad. So we need to wrap this up. Yeah, that was made yesterday. If this was in my headphone, it would probably be like circling my head like a 4D audio haircut. They brought a melody in. They lost me. Apogamy, Odo Benson. All right, I'm going to do one more. I'm going to do one more. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. This is insane.

Reading your discovery. We're going to get this whole video demonetized. Oh, I love Spirit of the Beehive. Fell asleep with a vision. You know what song I love but makes me so sad but I'll always, always listen to it? But actually, it makes me sad and happy. We'll live through the long, long days. How does it drive my car? Yeah. And I don't know the whole... And the through... Spotify moves too slow.

And Through the Long Nights. I was just having that. By Aiko Ishibashi. But it has to be the one, the song, because he does like in that album, there's like three renditions of each song. So like it's like the same title, but there's like three different renditions for each one. But you have to listen to one that's three minutes and 55 seconds. That one of that title is like,

so good it makes me so happy but also like so sad but it like literally if the world was ending i would want to hear that one because i would be like wow my life was amazing oh that's pretty um one last album it is a spirit of the beehive album it's entertainment comma death it's scary but i love this shit i love this shit and it was and it's a modern album 2021

Wow. Do we watch any movies? No, we haven't watched anything. We've been too busy. We haven't been watching anything. We've been watching The Cut and fucking Beta Squad. I want to watch Salt Bae so fucking bad. And Poor Things. Maybe we do that tonight. Oh, I think I have a class to go to tonight. I need to watch Salt Bae with Jacob Elordi and Poor Things with Emma Stoner. Bitch, one thing about me is I love Emma Stone. Period. Period.

Yeah, she's awesome. But, okay. Oh. That's the episode. Oh, no, I was just... Oh, I didn't sign up for anything. Yeah, but, okay. Like, what are you talking about? She is. All right, well, I'm gonna go shit. Thank you guys so much for listening. You're awesome.