Honorable discharge
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I'm Michael Che. And I'm Colin Jost. And we've got a little secret. Actually, it's a pretty big secret. Well, now you gotta give the people something. No, I'm not saying a word. Oh, then people won't know to tune in. Come on, tell them a little. Like how we're hosting a comedy event streaming only on Peacock? Exactly. Or how it's called New York After Dark and it's a comedy show that only features drop-in comics? Boom! You nailin' it, dude. And how Michael Che's phone never... Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey! New York After Dark. It's some kind of comedy thing. And it's streaming now. Only on Peacock. You love it.

Hey, hey, how y'all doing? Hey, how y'all doing? Um, I just want to let everybody know that I'm really brave right now because it happened after the last episode, right? My tooth. Yeah. Um,

I woke up last Wednesday with my wisdom teeth area fully inflamed and red and it looked like it was about to pop. So I rushed to the dentist because Drew looked in my mouth and scared me and told me that if I got infection, it's close to my brain and that I would possibly die. And then he told me that I could have a cyst. And he went on this whole tangent. Usually I don't care about the doctors. I'm like, bitch, I'm not going. Okay.

But that scared me so bad that I rushed to the dentist. And then they were a hell of nonchalant. They were like, yeah, you don't have to get your teeth out, but you should definitely go get a scan. And like, you don't have to get it out, but this is going to bother you probably for the rest of your life, which is the worst advice I've ever fucking heard. To be like, no, you don't have to fix this, but it will destroy your life from here on out. And now I'm on antibiotics and...

I got a CT scan and my nerves are wrapped around my teeth, which is going to make it really

Harsh to take my wisdom teeth out. So get your wisdom teeth out and half of your face is gonna go numb forever Yeah, and now i'm terrified and I haven't called the doctor again But I have to because now i'm somebody who grinds my teeth in my sleep and because of that i've been grinding my teeth And now as i'm talking all of my gums on the right side of my face are so swollen that Every word i'm chomping on The tissue in my mouth and it hurts really bad. Um

But we'll see if I do something about it. My only thing is, like, fuck, you guys like to look at me every episode and, like, I don't think I can show a face if I'm all, like, scary from my wisdom teeth. And I will say I am wearing the worst fit ever because I want to start prepping you guys for when I look bad when I get my wisdom teeth out. Are you crying? Yeah. Are you scared for me? No. Grindr got a hack. Wait, are you actually crying?

Why is it a big deal? You said you don't use that anymore. Drew, wait, why are you crying? I thought you told me you deleted that. I did, but it's just such like a... You were actually eating. You were leaving it. That looked really good. It was such a big part of my life. For so long. So now it's just like the memories. Yeah. Wait. I'm okay. I'm okay, but...

I got hacked and it was shut down for like four hours or something like that. Only four hours? I thought it was gone forever. It was the hardest four hours of my life, let me tell you. I really thought it was over for good. Okay, so it's back, but it's still like the thought of it being gone brings you to tears like that? Yeah, no, it's back. It was just like giving...

Like those four hours were like harder than what I'd imagine like the Marines feel like I basically like went to war with my soul. Yeah. Or like being pregnant and giving birth probably similar. Yeah. Oh, easily. Or like going through like a period cramp.

You think the pain you felt when Grindr crashes is the equivalent to one single period cramp? Yeah. Not cramps. One cramp. Yeah. One stinging cramp. Plural. Guys, I'm going to start claiming. What is that thing? PCOS? Yeah, yeah. Do you know they have to go inside of you and do a surgery to see if you have that? I want to get that. Wait, they go inside you? I want to get that PCSO surgery. You could just get on Grindr and find someone to go inside you. That's a church hat, babe. I don't know what you're referencing. Um...

Well, yeah, I had a dream that I can't talk about last night, but it was very eerie. But I think I had that dream because I'm watching Girls. I started Girls like two years ago, never finished it. And I finally got to season two. I never even finished season one when I first watched it. But I got to the part where, spoiler alert, Lena Dunham's character calls the police on Adam Driver's character. And I think that's why I had that dream. Because when she was in the house and she was like, get out, get out.

That was the last thing I watched before I went to bed. I thought I watched like three or four seasons of that show. But like literally from last night's episode, which was like the first episode of season one, I actually like trauma blocked that whole show or something whole. I keep saying whole. Like I'm not thinking about whole. I don't want whole right now. I don't want to give my whole to someone. Like I just – it's not a Freudian slip, so like shut up. But yeah.

I was going to say that. I don't remember any of that fucking show, bruh. I don't remember any of it. Well, that's how I feel. Dude, did you see we got tagged in the girls comparison? No. And so far, I'm a bit offended. Was it on TikTok? I'm a bit offended.

Was it on you being mine? Yeah, I'm a bit on tik-tok. I haven't been on tik-tok Oh, yeah, his app is working So now what I do is I get really high and I go in his bed and I show him my phone but my For you page sucks because it is the for you page of somebody who gets high every night And it is rancid my for you page is like no real humans anymore. It's literally like Government-made accounts of like making food like I just feel like I want to see my comparison of

You're Hannah Horvath. No, I'm fucking not. Yeah, you're Hannah Horvath. Wait, that's Lena Dunham? That's Lena Dunham. Think about it personality-wise, because you're always saying some shit of like, oh, let the love in, and you'll be like, oh, I ate that. And you very much... I guess, yeah, you do. You give that mainly on the podcast, so it does make sense for people to say that, because on the podcast when we're talking, you're like, I actually think women deserve to be happy. Because one of Hannah's archetypal quotes is...

I think I'm the voice of a generation. Oh, yeah. The first episode. Or at least a voice of a generation. And that is some shit that you would fucking say. That's you every episode being like. But it's a bit. I need to make that clear. It's a fucking bit. No, nothing on this podcast has ever been a joke. We don't joke here. We don't joke here. We don't joke around. We don't fucking play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don't play. We don

Also, I think it's like, you know, character wise. I am offended, but I understand why people would think that. But you know what's crazy is when I watch that show, I fear I am Hannah. Because like Hannah is so insecure that she makes everything about her. Even when she fucks up, she's like, oh, what did I do? And I fear. That's the only thing I relate to. Sometimes that's how I am. Like where I'm like, oh my God, that's so annoying. Because I'm the kind of bitch who does something and then I say sorry 18 times and somehow, oh, now we're talking about me. Oh, I should go to fucking jail. Somebody stole me to death.

Wait, Kai, did they make you Adam Driver's leg cast? No. Or his piss bucket? They did not make me the piss bucket. Or what about the Krusties that beat up the babysitter? No, no. I got Shoshanna and Elijah. Let me see. Elijah's the annoying boyfriend, right? Again, it's more about character. And the gay ones.

Yeah, the gay one tracks. The gay ex-boyfriend. Yeah, the gay one is like very... Shana also makes sense because she's so innocent and I'm very innocent and I don't know anything and I'm very delicate. That's true. That tracks. Or you're like weird as fuck. Kai is like actually randomly dainty. He's like a little like fragile like porcelain doll. I mean, when you're four foot three, you might as well be dainty. Yeah. Not four foot three. I actually just hit six three yesterday.

Elijah's very interesting. He thinks at 30 he still grows. Dude, there's a second wave of puberty. I actually believe that. I think there are three puberties. I don't think like growth wise, but like there are three puberties in a man's life.

Do you want me to get into him? I know. I don't think there's anything that dramatic about a man's life. I'm not kidding. You know what I was thinking? We were talking about this other day because Drew was like, when are we just going to see each other naked? And I was like, dude, I literally can't see you naked because I have such a... I'm just so sexy and I have like a perfect body. It would be hard to keep you off of me. I don't want that for myself because you'd just be all over my loins. Because you've seen me naked hella times. But you, I will never see you naked. I don't want to. And you know what it is. And this is like going to sound crazy. But like, actually, I don't even know if I can say this.

But I don't mean this on like a serious general note. But how do I describe this? Everybody knows that I am like a misandrist, but I do have empathy for men. Like for men, I can't have empathy. But there are certain lines that I can't cross. Like, and I know it's a problem. I actually don't take pride in it. It's a very big problem in my life. But like when men around me are sick, I really don't believe it. I'm like, I just...

don't believe it like i'm sorry i i literally don't and like it's not me trying to be funny or mean and i'm not trying to be crass but i genuinely like it doesn't penetrate me like if a woman tells me she's feeling sick i'm like oh my god do you need tylenol like i'm gonna postmate you something whatever like what do you need and when a man tells me he's sick i'm like okay i bet if i'm in your body right now like you're not even sick like you're literally like you have no you have no idea what well have you seen when they put the fucking things on your like

like men's like abdominal muscles and they simulate a period. Oh, and like the childbirth shit. Yeah. And then they do it on a woman. They're like, yeah, this is what it feels like. And they put it on a man and he's like screaming and crying. You know what it is? Now that I think about it, I think I have that mindset because...

so like belittle women's pain. So I'm like, okay, oh, Mr. Big and Strong. Oh, now all of a sudden, oh, your throat hurts. You can't talk. Like, girl, suck my bone. Well, I mean, we're out like building houses and we have like really rough hands. You just started the episode by crying because Grindr was down for four hours.

No, no, no. It's just we're in the heat all day. It's so hot that I have to pour water in my helmet to keep me cold. See, actually, that's my dad. For my dad, I feel empathy for because I'm like, oh, you've been like laboriously working forever. With the men in my life, I'm like, girl, come on.

Come on, literally get kick rocks. But with you, I have surpassed that with like partially I'm like you are a hypochondriac. So I have to like really suss it out. And I'm like, I'm like, I have to ignore him. I have to play this whole psychological game with Drew when he's sick. But with you, I like don't see you as a man. Like you are so much more than like a random man in my life. You were like a person. So that's why I'm like, that's also why I'm always like, no, Drew's one of my girls. Like because I don't like put you in that box because I don't care for men.

kai on the other hand so i can't see you naked kai on the other hand is on the outs what yeah no i think i like as i've grown closer to kai i've empathized with him more there was definitely the first three years i was like girl like literally what yeah just kill yourself just do it i was like you're sad but now i see you as a person thank you so it's kind of like the way men see women as sex objects except i see men as like

like traffic cones where I'm like, that's pointless. I could run that over. And like a traffic cone isn't going to stop me. No, that makes sense. Wow.

It's like how I view men is like the baby on board sticker on the back of some mom's van's car. Bitch, I'm going to text and drive behind you anyways. I'm going to speed around you, bitch. Like, I don't give a fuck. No, it's like, oh, okay. Like, that's not stopping me. I can't even read that. I'm texting. Now that you have empathy for me, you can be happy for my, I got this huge modeling deal with a huge fucking company. Did you actually? Yes. I'm going to show you this photo and you're going to be blown away.

And it finally went out. They emailed that shit to me too, bruh. To all the restaurants. It's all over the place. That is literally how you look like in my dreams. I love saying that about people. When people look that identical to you but so different, that is genuinely how my brain imagines them. Yeah. So I'm fucking rich now because that's on every meal plate. How much? Like three grand. I got three grand. Oh.

that is life before cuts oh we could lower his pay now then oh yeah yeah no no no no no since you're getting paid for modeling now yes we pay you like since you got three thousand dollars also guys we pay kai we give him a good two hundred dollars a month it's enough but that's before cuts before i mean yeah after taxes and everything you're walking away with 50 bucks well i take 50 of guys pay we become

I'm Kai's manager. So we're like, we need 30%. That's what you do. Well, it's cool because you'll be like, oh, here's your check, Kai. And then Drew does this thing where he says, but daddy gets his 90%. And then 90%. You know, it's crazy. I invest it for you. I invest it for him. You winked. You winked at him. When I first started doing YouTube, I actually signed a deal that was that bad. Remember Collab?

oh my god yes there was this fucking company that was so predatory to influencers and they would take like not 90 but it was like they would split it was like 70 30 yeah so you would get 30 and they would take 70 and it was on every end and it wasn't just in you like if you started on the internet and you got like a little ounce of clout yeah on vine like they went after every fucking person on there and

All of us were like fucking 13, 14 years old. And we were like, oh my God, an agency wants to sign us. Like that's crazy. I want to see if I have my emails to them. I was crazy. The motherfucker who ran my account, his name was Patrick. And I was a fucking demon to him. I was literally fucking insane. He was horrible. Because we all started talking about it. And then we were like,

wait that is bad that's a bad like real it's crazy how predacious like entertainment industries are on literal fucking children because like not only was it like collab and all that shit it was like press play like all everything we did that we thought was cool that they like dangled in front of our fucking faces like a carrot like to get a horse to walk or whatever the fuck the horses like carrots

Is that like a trope? I think they like apples. Carrot on a stick, right? Is that a horse thing? I think so. Yeah, I think horses eat carrots. Yeah, okay. Yeah, Kai eats carrots. What? Because you have cubed teeth.

And a long face, too. Oh, but I do have very low body fat and muscles. Yeah, and he's like a racehorse. And you have bunions. No, listen to this. His seed is very strong. Ew, motherfucker. And people pay for it. Bitch, never mind. I'm not even going to get into it. I'm just our breeding horses. Can you make money? Like, good money.

Oh, bitches make millions and millions breeding race horses. Oh, I'm starting a horse farm, bitch. Have you seen like- I'm ordering a horse stable off Timu. Dude, the horses like, you have to like jerk them off and shit though to get their cum. Come on. Like you have to like make up like a homemade pocket pussy. Kai, did you ever do that? Well, that's why we have Kai.

Did you make the homemade P word? No, I never did. I never ever did. I did. With what? Two sponges that I soaked in water and I put them in the microwave and then I got a glove, like a latex glove, and I put the two sponges inside of a cup, put the latex glove around it, and then put a rubber band on the

the like latex glove and i made a pocket p word when i was like no you made a pocket b word yeah and then i also microwaved you ignored that i didn't even hear what you said but i also microwaved a banana peel and use that as well no swear to god ew drew those are swear to god are you leaving that in the episode that's insane i was nine that's crazy bitch i was horny i guess when i was nine i was watching titanic and literally like

I'm not going to say it because there's perverts, but like I was, I was like, Titanic is lit.

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And there was a movie, there was that Disney movie that like weirdly felt sexual to me. The story, the Jungle Book movie. The second one, there's this scene with the snake that feels so like predacious and it made me feel so weird as a kid. But trust and believe that VHS tape was. Turned it up. Turned it up. I was like rewinding the fuck out of it. I was like, I need to go back. I missed something. I missed something. I missed something. I didn't have like a movie like that as a kid. Like, I guess like.

I didn't have a movie that I re-watched over and over again, but my dad did. And I watched Talladega Nights, Joe Dirt, Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Step... No, no, not Step Brothers. The one...

Is it Step Brothers? With John C. Reilly in it. It has John C. Reilly in it. It's not Step Brothers. It's Walk the Line. Which is actually really funny. And the scene of the dude, the brother getting cut in half in the barn is literally seared into my like eight-year-old brain forever. Like that fried me. But those were on the TV at all moments of the day. Wait, you didn't have like a movie you rewatched a lot?

No, because my dad ball hogged the TV. I had so many that I would rewatch all the fucking time. Oh, another movie that made me weirdly horny was... Fuck, it's the one... It's like the Atlantis movie with the two, the blonde guy and the guy with black hair. There's the mermaid siren scene where all the mermaids are jumping on and seducing the pirates. Yes.

That scene, I was like, oh my God, the sexy mermaids are coming up. Like guys, guys, guys. I guess the Sandlot. I liked the Sandlot. Oh, I rewatched that a lot, but that was just like for funsies. Yeah, I swam in a pool all day and then made a pallet with all of my baseball friends and put Sandlot on the TV upstairs and we all fell asleep in our wet bathing suits and woke up the next day with like rashes all over our fucking legs. Again, we were six.

seven so like suck my balls it's just part of life you know just getting fungal infections um a male yeast infection yeah i guys i don't think i was celebrated enough for this there were two things that happened but on friday three things on friday i not only went out and went to a party which was the most fun i've had in la in like three or four years

I not only got blackout drunk for the first time. You got blackout drunk? Not blackout, not blackout. But I got, I drank like a whole red solo cup of tequila to myself. Like I was just sipping on that shit. I was going to say, I feel like I only saw you have like

two drinks no I wild it out we had like three before and then that was so fucking fun yeah in the corner tickling each other and like yeah and then like there was the dark-sided evil version of Josiah there and me and Kai watched

Him make out with someone and like get pictures taken of him and me and Kai were crying laughing at just imagining it Josiah yeah, also two guys kissing is like hilarious like I'm sorry I don't give a fuck when I see two dudes kiss like it makes me laugh

but dude it makes me laugh like the best part of that story is us like it's like these two like very beautiful men like making out and then we walk up and we're like tyrell take a photo of us and tyrell just like looks at us and like looks at us up and down and walks away literally dubbed us crazy i wanted to get in the picture with the josiah clone like i wanted to get a picture you just wanted a picture with a doppelganger yeah literally um but i not only went to a party i

I not only drank, bitch, I smoked weed. I smoked weed. That's the craziest part. I smoked kush. I literally got high, y'all. And I...

I liked it. I loved it. I had fun. I'll never do it again because the Uber ride home alone was really scary. It was really fucking scary. Like I was like, oh, I didn't even get that drunk tonight. Like period. Like I kind of ate like I had fun. I got like enough drink in me that I was like loose and having a good time. Got in that goddamn Uber. Bitch, I was spinning. I was like fighting back vomiting. I was like doing that thing where you're like.

and I was like my eyes were like rolling in the back of my head and I was like bitch am I like OD'ing right now knowing that you were high in this picture bruh I was high as fuck I was turnt I was so mad that because I had makeup on mine just kept looking like me with makeup on with bruh well that's not a filter that's literally what I look like without my wig you shaved your head no that's oh you took your wig off yeah damn I was like you haven't been that fucked up in a long time my stupid fucking wig bruh pull it off my hair um well

Well, at that party, I had so much fun. But by the end of it, I also got like way too high where everyone I was talking to, I was like, you're a person. Yet again, I didn't get the praise I deserved.

for smoking weed guys sound off i wish i wish you would smoke with me like i can't even be i actually want to now i've always wanted to get like a big fat stinky blunt and like smoke it out front like one of those like big ass like round ones because i all or i also want to roll my own blunt i haven't rolled a blunt since like i lived in miami yeah like a stinky big fucking blunt i like that

thing is is we wouldn't even be able to do that because i am like so it's crazy people are always like stop talking about being high but like y'all don't understand y'all got to fry your brain brains when you were teenagers i waited until my frontal lobe developed and then i got really scared of that frontal lobe so now i smoke to avoid it i do think i woke up dormant psychosis

like late i like i think i did a little bit because like the past couple i probably just hung over but the past couple days i've been like fucking like crazy i literally think it's from alcohol like i do not drink anymore like that because of the fact that it makes me so depressed like it does something soda press more like soda stream okay i literally ate like hydraulic press of soda like why don't you just get a soda stream and yeah please come back please spin back

Don't hit me. Dude, I have to shit so bad. So I actually am going to have to dip for like five minutes. I'm not even kidding. I'm about to shit myself. Bruh. My antibiotics have been really fucking up my stomach. And like we have to bleep this because it is actually so gross. I thought I got my period three days ago. I shit pure blood. Why do we have to bleep that? Because it is like so gross. But actually it's not gross. Y'all should be worried for me. I just talked about fucking a banana. Yeah.

But like, no, it was so bad that I was live texting Rain because we were texting while I was on the toilet. I was like, oh my God, by the way, I just got my period because we were going to go to the pool that day. And I was like, fuck, I just got my period. That's so annoying. And then I picked her up and I was like, also, I need to update you. Not that you would care. I don't have my period. I shit pure blood. And then she was like, you need to go to the doctor. I was like, oh my God, everybody always says that to me. Yeah.

Literally go queen. But I think my antibiotics are fucking... What's the point of having insurance? I know, I know. But I don't have dental insurance, so my teeth are going to cost a lot, which is like not chill. I don't either. Like not chill. I paid, I think, $4,000 or $5,000 to get my teeth fixed like two years ago. And that was... But that was like six years between not going to... I'm just not going to pay. I still have a lot of medical bills I haven't paid. Like you're not going to get me. You don't have to pay medical bills. Yeah. And you don't have to pay taxes. I just figured that out. Oh.

oh yeah you do have to pay taxes wait actually i'm gonna call the irs like i'm gonna get that you're gonna get a discount yeah yeah you get it you get a percentage of how much money why would you snitch on me that's not cool because snitches get stitches

Well, you're getting kisses. Period. Later. Okay. Before you go to the restroom, I wanted to say big things are fucking coming like for real this time. Like, I know I was predicting earthquakes for like a while and I was right every single time. But y'all, a big...

a big thing is fucking coming. I don't know what it is like, bitch, it might be fucking monkeypox for all I know, but intuitively like something big is gonna happen. - Didn't that already come? Monkeypox came. - No, I mean like destroy the world 2.0, like covert. - Do you see that girl on TikTok who was saying that she got chickenpox?

And she was like, well, if you get the vaccine for chickenpox, you get it. So you shouldn't get the vaccine. And people were like, girl, you were supposed to get that shit in school. Yeah, like when you were a five-year-old. Yeah, because didn't they not let you go to school if you didn't have the chickenpox vaccine? I'm like, where did she go? Were you homeschooled? Also, homeschooling is so fucking ridiculous. Can we bring back polio, Loki? Polio? What's polio? I want to be inside of an iron lung.

Wait, actually, I think existing inside of a hyperbolic varic chamber would be like so fucking lit. That would feel good on your bones. Being in that chamber? Yeah. Yeah, but like imagine your friends like, oh my God, we're going out tonight. They're not wheeling your fucking cats. You wouldn't, you wouldn't wheel my iron dome out to...

No, I was telling this to someone the other day because they were talking about how like their close friend is super hyperchondriac and they live with them and they were like, dude, sometimes it can be a lot because I'm just like, oh my God, you are tweaking right now. You wouldn't wheel me to Chateau? No, I would not wheel you anywhere. We've had this conversation. Bitch, I would get you a very nice caretaker.

- I just, I-- - I'd get you the Jack Donahue of caretakers. - I would wheel you around and I would let you cheat on me and I wouldn't even be mad. - Kai would probably wheel you around. - No, Kai and Mason would take care of you. - Oh yeah, 'cause Mason is like-- - They love. - Mason is almost too nice. - Yeah, Mason is too sweet. - Mason needs to become bitchy and cunty and say no to people because he is too fucking nice. But that's what people say about me too.

Hey! And you took our dookie break. And we're so back. We're back and I'm better. Me and Drew ran in there to smell it after. Dude, Kai went and used the other bathroom and I thought he went in that bathroom. I was like, girl, he is brave as hell. No, I didn't. I actually went to the other one because I'm very empathetic. A gentleman. And I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. No, I ran straight to the bathroom and like... Took a big breath.

He also went and got Ziploc bags and like tried to like catch it. Yeah, I'm selling them on eBay. They had $700 labels on them already. It was very weird. That's the starting bid. Oh, thank you. Oh my God. The starting bid. That's flattering. I'll give you 5%. 5%? That's like seven bucks. Yeah. Anyways, that's not seven bucks. I know that, guys. I'm not that dumb. Um...

But if you have to take a gummy, if you have to eat a gummy to digest your vitamins, I think you should have your license revoked. Like if you only take your vitamins in gummy form, like, oh, what are you fucking five? You need, oh, you need a little snack. You shouldn't be able to drive. Cause that's crazy to me. All vitamins are snake oil anyways. Yeah. And that's the thing is I'm like, I don't believe in that. Like, I don't believe in the gummy having like all the vitamins it says it has. Like you're taking a,

for vitamin C. I don't believe that. I literally just don't believe it. Also, with that said, I believe in vitamins. I love vitamins and I take vitamins all fucking day. Every goddamn day. But... Kai's choking. Do you need water? Keep coughing, Kai. Do you need water? I'm a human being. Sometimes I cough. You're just interrupting our... I am and I get some more water just to help with my coughing. Oh, now you're pissing. Now he's pissing on the floor. Why is he pissing in the floor?

he's doing tricks with it doesn't that water taste so good it does taste good i will say me and you were talking about it and i was like i think i mean i drink electrolytes every day so i'm fine but like it is lacking minerals because i forgot somebody was talking about how like in europe it's not as commonplace to give people water at restaurants because the water is so dense in minerals that most people are just like hydrated as they should be and our system is so up

But then I think about it, I'm like, Europe is one of the oldest fucking countries on the planet. You think I trust those pipes, bitch? Fuck you. Give me a fucking water pipe. This water does taste really fucking good. Yeah, but it is mineral-less, so it's like dehydrating you further and stripping all the minerals out of your body, but...

I take potassium and magnesium supplements, so I'm shipping. We're debloating. I've said this on my IG before, too, but I still believe it. If you have to put flavor into your water to drink water, I also think you should be put in a very special kind of prison because...

- What is wrong with you? What do you mean? You don't like the taste of water? Oh, water freaks you out? Unless you're fucking allergic to it, I don't wanna hear it. Like you were fucking nasty. Something is wrong with you. - Remember when everybody was like going out and buying like a literal medical necessity for people off the, like selling it out because TikTok was like, look at the thick water. And people were literally like

- Dying. - All of it up so like people literally couldn't drink water 'cause we were like, "Look at it, it's so thick." - Drew, I know you considered purchasing that. - Oh, I was just saying I wanted it so bad because it looks so fun to play with. - There was another thing recently, I guess there's this like,

It's like a wound cleanser that people started buying to use it to wash their face because it gets rid of like all bacteria and it's like apparently really good. And somebody was like, can y'all stop getting this? Because I actually need it because they have like an autoimmune disease that they get like a lot of wounds. So they have to constantly be cleaning. And there's people who have that autoimmune disease and that's usually who buys it. And she was like, I've been to three CVSs and I can't buy this. So I'm going to have eight infections. Can you guys please stop? Oh my God. That happens all the time.

all the time dude i was i literally bought every diaper off of the shelf of every target was that like a trend on tiktok no i just bought them because i wanted to see like a baby suffer so i just like bought all of the diapers all of the formula and i just poured it into like a big pile and set them on fire could you survive off baby formula i think so yeah well

Baby food is disgusting. I saw like tinned meats, like puree baby food. I was like, you were. I bought one. I can't believe you have to give that to babies because babies need that, huh? I don't know what they need it. Literally cat food. Yeah, I tried it and it literally, it basically was like blended up Vienna sausage and like lips and assholes and it smelled worse than fucking Azul's cat food. The thing is, if I went to a nice restaurant and they spread that on like a nice cracker and like displayed it nice, I'd be like, oh my God, it's so good. Like, wow.

This is delicious. I want a potted meat and mayo sandwich. Oh, we need to buy a Kewpie mayo because like I'm tired of not having it in the refrigerator to eat. Oh, I'm going to use this moment to call out rain. Rain got in my car the other day. She's like, can I do you mind if I eat in your car? I was like, no. Like when I picked her up and she had the stinkiest sandwich ever. Granted, I couldn't smell it, but it was so funny because she was so insecure the whole time she was eating it in my passenger seat. And she was like, I feel like you could smell. I was like, no, I can't smell it. And then she was like, oh, do you want to take a bite? And I was like, oh, what's in it?

It was tuna, like a three milk goat cheese sandwich.

um vinegar balsamic vinegar uh something else that was like really oh garlic and pesto or so it was like a stink bomb and she put it in my face and the stench that rose from it i was like you were diabolical for eating this rain like rain is so gorgeous and maybe it's because she eats the stinkiest foods but i thought i ate stinky foods rain makes herself like stink bombs for breakfast like it's fucking insane and that's my call out to rain um

Well, I hear that, I don't know if this is true yet, but if it's fucking true, I'm rioting. I'm like January 6th insurrection vibes all over again because it's going way too fucking far. They're threatening to make being straight illegal. It's basically almost illegal to be straight now. Yeah. The alphabet mafia. Who would that affect though? Straight people. Not you. Straight people. Yeah.

but not you you'd be fine no they're making it fucking illegal bro to be straight oh also at the fucking party um i don't know if i told you this but i went into the bathroom at one point shit the most i've ever shit in my life picked it up and smeared it all over the walls of the bathroom that was me that was you yeah that was fucked up dude i know it was funny

Oh, actually, at that same party, when I went to the bathroom, me and Sabrina were going into the bathroom, and there were these dudes by the bathroom, and I was like...

they were like oh are you going in the bathroom i was like yeah i'm gonna i have to pee and then he was like what and he was like i i was like i think he was basically like are you gonna use the bathroom are you gonna do drugs and i was like oh i'm gonna piss and then he was like oh you guys are gonna kiss why don't you do it out here and i was like no i'm gonna piss and he was like oh okay you can go first and then him and his homies just stood outside waiting for the bathroom for their turn so they could go in there and do drugs and i was cracking up because i was like oh wait that's like actually so nice like thank you so much gentlemen um

Gentlemen and gentle ladies, hello. I just feel like you glazed over the fact that he shit and put it on the wall. That's his party trick. Yeah, that's my thing. It's not a party trick. That's disgusting. I guarantee the viewers and listeners understand and get what I'm getting at. It's a very normal thing to do. Yeah, it's like in school when somebody would always poop on the grates in the bathroom.

Dude, the fucking balls of wet toilet paper smushed all over the walls. Like, that is so funny. Like, who was the first person that did that and was like, bruh? I wonder if people still do that. Oh, 100%. Oh, yeah. Probably worse. Except maybe not because they're smoking fucking stizzies in the bathroom now.

Yeah, now they have things to do in the bathroom. Before you would go in the bathroom, no phone. Because I feel like that's where it came from. You weren't going to the bathroom in middle school and getting on your phone and doing stuff. You were getting in the bathroom and it was like, this is just my recluse. I just wanted to get out of class, but I have nothing to do in here. It's like, okay, I should make a huge mess and destroy someone's day, I think. There are people watching that have kept that to themselves their whole life. And I just want to know, email me

if you were the person that did that shit because I want to be able to put a face to like the type of person but because I feel like it's all walks of life like I don't think it's like yeah it's not you wouldn't be able to guess yeah exactly like because if I was guessing I'd guess Kai did that but I don't think when he was in school they had developed they didn't have yeah or they didn't even have bathrooms yet oh yeah they were still shitting in like buckets oh yeah like latrines and shitting and throwing toilet paper dude they definitely had toilet paper it wasn't that much of a difference

There wasn't. I guess, yeah, in 1943, there was 12. It wasn't in the 40s. It was not in the 40s. Okay, when I went to middle school, I'm just deflecting, but did you ever... Okay, this was like my first week. I was like the new kid at the middle school, but I had one friend that went there from like elementary school. And he was like, oh, we have to go to the bathroom. This is like the first week. He's like, we have to go to the bathroom because some people are spidering in the bathroom and it's really fun to watch.

So we went in and I get in there and like there's like a bunch of boys like cheering and there's one at the top and he like pulls his pants down and he's like holding his arms and legs up and he shits into the toilet from like the top of the stall.

And it like... Is this real? This is real. You saw this happen? Yeah. I've seen like infographics of this, like troll, like how to poop in the bathroom. Dude, this was one of the most intense experiences of my life, seeing someone shit from like the top of the stall. That's really impressive. That's insane. Yeah, it was crazy. Did it make a big splash? He got in trouble. He got...

What do you call it? Suspended. He got suspended for that? Yeah. Well, because he would brag to everyone. He would call it spidering because he looked like a spider. I think that's advanced. I think he should get suspended for that. Calling other children in the bathroom to make you... How old was he? I don't know if you would call them in. I think everyone would just hear that it's happening and they would get excited and go... Boys are so disgusting. They all went in on their own volition. Boys are so disgusting. It was exciting though. Like it was pretty...

Pretty sick. Well in my middle school everybody would slap box So everybody would run into the boys bathroom to watch the boys like fight. So that was what we were doing Oh, also there was a girl who I was friends with who would always look over the stall and watch me pee And like I was like, oh, why are you doing that? Have you kept up with her at all? No, I'm not friends with that person anymore. Oh That's curious

Was it like creepy? Yes, it was really creepy. She did it to all of our friends and we'd be like, that's like, I guess funny, but stop, please. You're going to prison. Well, that was like elementary school. Yeah, exactly. Fucking pervert. So she should go to jail.

I think we should all put all children in jail. Well, me and Drew were talking about it, and I think we would have good-looking kids because we use Gracie Abrams as an example. Her parents are giving us, so I think we would have a Gracie Abrams kind of beautiful child. So that's something to consider. You guys would have attractive kids because they're both beautiful people. No, sometimes I worry that the ugly parts of us would shine through on a baby. Maybe on one of them.

Maybe on one. I have ugly parts. You don't have ugly parts. We only have beautiful parts. You backing away. You destroyed that. Yeah, like, why did you rip that off of the stem?

- Those are also pretty hard, right? - I know. - I feel like you just swallowed it. - Yeah, I got fucking good jaw. - Oh my God, you ate that so fast. No wonder you can't shit. You have rocks of taffy in your stomach. - Yeah, I got fucking good jaw. - Also, Drew came back from Texas with 30 of those lollipops and I hadn't had a single one. And then yesterday or two days ago, I was like, "Oh, can I have one?" And there was three left. - Oh no, no, no, they're all inside my gym bag right now. I only brought eight of them. - They're in your gym bag?

Yeah, have a fucking treat after the gym. I literally eat a piece of candy after the gym. That's cute. That's sweet. I deserved it. I earned it. Well, I have wing stuff after the gym. So I undo any like thing I did for my body. Why are you crying laughing, bruh?

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That's not crazy, is it? I mean, carrying them all in your bag. Putting like 30 lollipops in your gym bag is very Willy Wonka vibes. My dirty, stinky, smelly boxers that I'm selling on OnlyFans for $105. $105 isn't that much.

But I sell like a pair a day. It's like a hundred bucks a day. Damn, that's good. That's lucrative. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. But I have to wear them for a week at a time. So like the lead up to that Dirty Boxer era is like there's seven days of work. But I'm on a 10-day advanced schedule. Okay, that's what I was going to say. As long as you always have one to sell every day. Yeah. Um...

Well, I saw somebody cleaning their kitchen on TikTok and they moved their oven and cleaned behind it. And you could never, never do that. Clean behind the oven? Why would you do that?

Because like what stuff falls down there, whatever falls back there is meant to be back under the refrigerator, under the oven, behind the oven, down the cracks of the oven. Doesn't matter. Yeah, it doesn't exist anymore. Like it literally it doesn't count. And I'm not doing that. And like, who was the first person who thought of doing that? Also, I am convinced that if I moved my oven, it would explode. Yeah, gas would leak. Because there's something else I was doing yesterday that I was like, dude, I always think this is going to explode every time I touch it.

Oh, the water heater. I didn't want to touch it because I thought it was going to explode. The oven, every time I light it, I think it's going to explode. But no, there was something yesterday that every time I do it, I like... I'm terrified of this oven. This oven? I am so scared of this oven, these burners, like all of it. Like I literally... It's dangerous. It's a danger to society.

Oh, at the party, I did turn all the gas stoves on and I left them burning. Oh, not even burning, but I turned all the gas. We were talking to Addison and she bumped into the like she literally almost set herself on fire. She bumped into the oven and it like lit up a little bit. And then Drew was like, should we just turn on all the gas and leave? And we were all cracking. We were like, oh, my God. Yes, we love doing that. We should do that. Let's do that. Oh, yeah. Addison's like our best friend. I love you. Yeah, that's like our best friend now.

- And you're jealous. - It's true, I saw it. You know what was also cool at the party? - Diet Pepsi, listen to it. - Me wearing a hat and everyone being like, "That looks so good." I think that was cool. - You were wearing a hat? - I gave him my hat to put on. I put the headband on and I gave Kai my hat. - Wait, you were wearing that hat? - I was wearing the headband and the hat at different points in the night and everyone was like, "Dude, you look fucking amazing." - I put Kai under the ribs in the sauce. - I was wearing my tiara and everybody kept asking if it was my fucking birthday.

And it was humiliating. - Oh, Enya. - And I was like, it's not my birthday. It's just a vibe. And they were like, no, it's a good vibe. And I was like, yeah. - That's crazy. - I'm so sure it's very Marnie of you. - See, but you take risks. And that's what I love about you is it's not even risks in fashion. It's just risks in life. And like, it's really advanced. - What's the other risk I- - Can we just take a moment to celebrate? - Unprotected sex with strangers. - Can we just take a moment to celebrate Enya? - Yeah, I'm- - Can we have one every episode or for like five minutes we just celebrate our queen?

Go. You made that really weird. I did? Really? Yeah. Oh, shit. Then never mind. Because I thought it was going to be just... And also, what about me? No, dude. Why does it have to be about you? Also, yeah, I was trying to do something nice for India and then you derailed it.

Oh my god, I'm just being cornered. Oh, maybe Enya gets the appreciation segment and we get to yell at Drew and call him gay segment. Nobody said that. You just said that. In fact, I run back the tape. You don't know. I might have after we were done with the Enya celebration segment, which you ruined, by the way. It's never going to happen. I was celebrating. You robbed her of that beautiful experience. Maybe I would have suggested we do it for you, but now we'll never know. Okay, well, the last thing that I want to say before we go is

is Enya, we were literally just sitting, chilling, chatting. Like, I don't know why the fuck she said this but like, it was like robotic. It just like was deep inside of her and she needed to say it in that moment right then and there or like she would have rotted away and turned to fucking dust. She just turns to me and she's like, "Next time we watch Challengers, I want to be masturbating." - Huh? - I didn't. - Wait, you said that? - I did not say it. - She did.

-Next time we watch Challengers. -I was joking. I wrote this note. Inya said, "Next time we watch Challengers, she needs to be masturbating?" It was a question I was asking like, "Oh, am I the only one who gets this vibe?"

No, no, no. I'm not. I'm not. Actually, you're right because I want to be jerking off to Patrick the whole time too. No. Okay. Okay. So I, I did say that, but it's because it is the horniest movie ever. Like it, it is not like it doesn't have the most sex in it or whatever, but it doesn't have any edit of it. And I'm like, this is so horny. Like the sexual tension of it. Like the tension is so high. Um, but I wouldn't do that because those are real people and that's disgusting. And like,

Come on, guys. The kiss scene, y'all. Which one? Art and Patrick making the fuck out. Hello? Oh, right, right, right. I wouldn't do that, to clarify. It would be far too much work. Drew, sigh up. Drew, sigh up. Okay, these are fucking rancid, y'all. These actually are so bad. I'm a blunt because God rolled me that way. No, I hate that.

My grandma always says, keep $3 in your pocket so if you see a cute girl, you can buy her a lemonade. Grandma, these bitches want perks nowadays. Oh, this is a good one. This is me every night. Y'all go out and I don't go. Y'all, I can't go out tonight. I'm off to club bed featuring DJ Pillow and MC Blanket. This one is you for the last six years and me for the last two years.

If you ever, ever, ever need me, I'm always three missed calls and four unread texts away.

I actually don't think anybody would call me in an emergency. No. I'm not going to answer. No. Like I'm not going to answer. You need to text me. And even if you text me, I'll probably open it and be doing something else and be like, oh, I'll get to go. Just get sidetracked. That's what happens to me is I'm like scrolling through TikTok. I see the text come up through the top. I click on it, read it, scroll off. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to finish this video. And then like literally three hours later, I'm like journaling. And I'm like, oh, wait, I should text that person back. It's horrible. Okay. Okay.

Just answer no why. Like, no why. Have you ever been in the military, Inya? No, why? Because your panties are covered in dishonorable discharge.

Weren't you laughing about discharge the other day? Bro, it was making me cry laughing. I mentioned discharge to him and he was cracking up. He was like, ew. And I was like, it's kind of crazy. Like vaginas just go on like a rinse cycle. They literally just clean themselves. It's so fucking funny, bro. It's like goop. It's also funny like how discharge became like, it used to be such a big internet talk of like girls like posting their underwear and being like, my shit looks like this at the end of the day. And people would be like,

Okay, so that actually might be a problem if you never see this shirt. It's like brown. It's covered in blood and green. Yeah. If her foot is bigger than a size 8, that pussy came from her father's side.

Is size 8 a big size for girls? I don't know. I think maybe a men's size 8. I'm a size 8 women's. Yeah, that's like a size 6 though. You got little baby feet. Can I see them? My feet grew. Wait, take your shoes off. I'll tell you if they're big. I can tell you where your vagina came from by looking at your feet. That's mama's side. That's your party. That's your ribs. You're like, wait, take off your shoes. Show me your feet, man. Show me your feet.

Slapping ass deer insects is getting boring. Let me tase you in the back of the head. Would that electrocute your brain? No, right? I think you'd be fine. Yeah. I just got something in my eye that was scary. I don't know. I feel like that might be bad for your brain. Really? Yeah. You learn something every day, y'all. Okay, this one might leave. Because I don't know if it makes sense. Like...

I don't give a fuck about your pronouns bitch you smell like she it. C slash she she slash it. And then I might have already done this one. Bitches would hang out with a squirrel if it had a pack of cigarettes and a digital camera.

bitches would hang out with a squirrel if it had a pack of cigarettes and a digital camera. That's the craziest fucking thing of it all. If the squirrel was good at taking pictures, I would. Yeah. I need something to post on IG soon. Me fucking too. Should I show them the picture I want to post on IG? No, because then someone's going to post it and then you're going to be like, I don't need to post it. Wait, is it the one that you showed me? Yeah. The hat.

i've been i just can't bro every single one why don't you put the bunny filter on it i've been trying so advanced it's so funny but i understand because it is really subtle um it's just subtle irony it's like subtly a joke and i'm like it's so they will i don't know if they would get the joke um also drew moji coming soon y'all drew moji coming soon yeah why are you do you not believe me no i mean you've said it like 18 times

We're gonna get GTA 6 before we get Drewmoji. We got Drewmoji before GTA 6. We got GTA 6 before GTA 6. God, that was like a pretty good joke, actually. We got GTA 6 before Drewmoji. Oh, thanks, dude. Thanks for wording it like that. Like, so passive-aggressive and basically attacking me. Don't raise your voice at him. Yeah, you're fucking yelling at me. Like, seriously, you're getting too carried away. I'm gonna rip those goddamn headphones off your head.

What else are we going to do? Media. My media is also I'm going silent again because I'm about to shit myself again. My media is Where You Are by Rina Sawayama, Diet Pepsi, Addison Rae, Next Level Charlie, Charlie XCX,

And I'm still listening to I Don't Need You by Rupert Holmes, Song for Julie, Jessie, Colin Young, and Magic in the Air by Badly Drawn Boy. Those are my media. Mine is Dangerously in Love, Beyonce. I came home last night from the beach singing that song to Enya through a window. And I was like throwing rocks at her window and shit and just like trying to be funny. And

And our downstairs neighbor was standing in her living room watching me the whole time. And like she's a new neighbor, so she doesn't know that I'm her neighbor. And I looked fucking crazy. And I was like swinging my shit around. I was throwing shit out the window and saying, dangerous. Like I was just singing the fucking song. And she looked absolutely mortified of me. And then like I clocked that she was like scared of me and like kind of keeping an eye on me. And I was like, oh, no, like.

Like, I just waved to her, like, really just like, hey. And then went back to singing. And she, like, was so scared that she, like, darted for her front door to, like, lock it. And then when I walked around the side, she, like, was keeping an eye. Like, she kept an eye on me the whole time. She was, like, so scared of me, bro. What's fucked up is I didn't hear you. I know. I was so sad. I was in the other side of the house, so I didn't hear you. It was so sad. Casanova 70 by Air. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck me. Fuck me. I like Ruby Tuesday. Ruby Tuesday. The Miseducation. This small album. This little album that many of you may not know. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Oh, yeah. That's one of the greatest albums of all time. Yeah, it's a really small album. That was very Hannah Horvath of you, Drew.

Oh, may I say, My Media, it's only one song. What? It's not some bullshit. It's not some bullshit. It's Someone Great by LCD Sound System. Oh, I love LCD Sound System. Wait. Let's give them a little taste of what's in their future. New York, I love you, but you're bringing me down. Okay. Damn. Whoa. That shit is fat. It's the perfect size, too. I hate this, too. I'm like literally shaking.

Help me, Anya. Help me, Anya. I'm stuck. I got you. I'm stuck. Oh, fuck. All right, thanks for watching. Bye.