Halloween Special
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I wanted you to like introduce it to where you were before the camera. Um, welcome back to this episode of Emergency Intercourses Halloween. Dude, I like actually cannot like... Yo.

Can you guess who I am? I've got all the props and everything. I know you kind of killed it last minute. Yeah, this was literally constructed today. I'm the grandpa who ate a quart of paint and didn't realize it wasn't yogurt until his grandson or son came in and was like, wait, you ate a bunch of paint and wiped it all over your body. That's who I am. And I'm

And I'm the fucking devil. Yeehaw. Like for the 80th time in a row in my life. But no, it gives. Yeah, it literally looks good. Like this is your best iteration yet. Like you turned out this look. And also it's crazy that we threw these together in like five minutes. Yeah, I was shocked how easy it was to do this makeup. But some people, I was actually thinking like, never am I like, God, I'm so gay.

talented, but some people can either do it or they can't. They either have it or they don't. You can either put fake paint on your lips or you can't. I want that to stain so bad. No, I was washing my hands to get it off my fingers because I was like, I don't want this to get everywhere. And it started staining and that was only after like five minutes of it being on. And I'm absolutely terrified because if I have to walk around

New York with my lips painted like this, like I'm going to freak the fuck out. I'm actually going to have a connection. I will, push comes to shove. If anything there, it'd be like the lightest stain and it'll last like a day. I'll just put some concealer on. I was going to say, I got you. And some red lips. You also don't leave till Monday. So you're good. I got some red lips. I'll put some red lips on. Yeah. I just put some lipstick on. When it was wet, it looked really good. It looked like paint. When I gave it to the kitchen,

and you were like alone looking at a reference picture and like putting it on and you turned and you actually had it all over your hands it looked like i can just put a little bit more on it just adds to like the whole vibe of the look like it makes sense aren't you scared of like getting it in your mouth um i've already crossed that bridge you know it's like when we were playing with oh that's a good like halloween related story but it's not at all when we were playing with fake leftover blood and

We didn't read that. It started burning my mouth. We didn't read you were supposed to put it in your mouth and chew. I drank like a quart of it and my mouth started tingling and we read the bottle like after we did the whole bit and like my mouth, it was not supposed to be in my mouth at all. Yeah, not at all. But that's okay. Sometimes, sometimes comedy kills.

It's like it tingles when it's first on. Here's a tip. Yeah, you suck on your finger to get through it. I did drag for 10 years. I know that trick. But yeah, this is the Halloween special. Halloweener. I'm loving the vibe so far. We got some lights going on in here. Yeah, we've got a whole different vibe. Actually, also, before we get into the episode...

We would like to announce that we officially have started a Patreon. The Patreon. Please help us fund this. Please help us fund our podcast. Because as you can tell, we have had zero sponsorship so far. We're hoping that changes soon. But we thought...

Why not make you pay for a community? You're sitting there and you're alone and you don't have anyone to talk to. And we thought, you know what? We love you so much. We're going to make you pay money. Exactly. To be a part of a little community with us. It's on your teeth. It's like scaring me. It's on your teeth. Oh, wow. It's really... Go like this. Go like... It's like fully on your teeth. Oh, it's really in there. It'll dry soon though. Oh, fuck. Um...

But yeah, we started a Patreon. We're actually really excited about it. There's some content already on there. There's some extra Halloween content. There's some extra Halloween content. Yeah, we'll just be throwing up extra episodes whenever...

we kind of feel like it like at least once a month twice a month maybe we'll be throwing up extra episodes treating patreon like personal twitter since we don't have twitter so that i that i'm excited yeah just like it's to be heard blowing that shit up yeah um yeah we're gonna throw a discord in there so we can have like a little discord community we'll do live streams and q and a's um for certain tiers um

But yeah, we're really excited about it. It's very foreign for us. Something we've never done before. I have no idea how it really works. We're figuring out as we go. But it's fun and that's what matters. As long as it stays fun. The second it starts to hurt my brain, I'll let you know. We're cutting that shit off. Get the fuck out of my face! But yeah, that'll be linked in the bio if you...

If you want to do it, do it. If you don't, fuck you. I don't care. Fuck you. And if you don't subscribe, you're the sole reason this show gets canceled. I'm sorry. You're the reason you're never going to see it again. I'm literally trying to look at the notes because my brain just went blank. And I was like, I need to look at the notes to keep up to what we have to do right now. And it's literally read Drew's notes, pocket pussy. Those are the notes for the episode. That's what we got going on.

um but okay so while i was back in texas um it was it was the week and a half of realizing things for me like genuinely like i realized a lot of shit and yeah just i i wrote them down because i was like it's not good shit it's it's not it's something it should i should have known or like should not be so excited to talk about but um

The first one, I'll start off like easy. Like I'll start off like, okay, whatever, like whatever. But the first thing I realized was when I'm back in Texas, a lot of Republicans come up to me and they start spouting the Republican bullshit in my face. And just like, like they feel so comfortable, like saying the most gnarly shit and I'm

I never knew why. I genuinely never understood why. I was like, I'm pretty open about, like, my political stance online. Like, if you know me, like, you know where I stand. And then I realized, like, the reason why they come up to me and talk to me all the fucking time is because I'm constantly cosplaying a Republican. Like, I look... I literally look like a Republican all the time. Yeah, the whole white trash look is, like, in LA it gets read a certain way, but literally in...

redneck ass areas like it's yeah it's still seen as like we're together we're together in this yeah no if you hear this you know what i do please save us chomp 2021 please save us no um but when i do when people come up to me and say that shit i just nod my head and say mm-hmm

Yep. And I just let them keep talking and spiraling. And like, I've gotten some crazy fucking like takes and like conspiracies and just heard some really insane shit that like,

have made me grown as a person you should when they start talking to you just start saying nonsense back but like not nonsense like making shit up but if they're like and do you agree you should be like yes and no when she uh when she went to the store and we came back in the horse and like the horse pooped and then we cleaned it and then um so they actually think i'm batshit crazy and like

Girl, what? How did you do that? I don't know. I thought of like a petting zoo and like a circus. And then I thought of Six Flags. Okay, this one is like the kicker. Like this one is actually like... Y'all will look at me. Do you think I'm going to actually be like, oh my God, so true? Potentially. No, no, no, no, no. You're literally going to freak the fuck out. So...

I found out that pads stick to panties and not directly onto the vagina back in Texas. I thought it was like a sticker that you put directly onto the skin. And I always was like, oh, they probably mastered the science of the stick so it didn't stick in cubes. He mastered the science of the stick. Because I always heard it always falls off or it falls out. But now I realize it's because it's...

sticking to the panties and not to the vagina. How would that even work if it was sticking to your coochie then you would bleed onto it and it would detach? Is that why you thought it fell off? That's what I'm saying. No, they mastered the science of the stick because like it doesn't pull out pubes. See, I just, I had to work around, you know. Um, well,

I remember the first time I used a tampon or tried to use a tampon, I didn't understand that you were supposed to like push the like thing in. So I left the plastic, like the, like the like prongy plastic part. Have you ever seen a tampon? Like old school, like plastic ones? I've done that. Like, cause you put it up your butt to like stop diarrhea. And like, I've done that too, where like you leave the plastic in and it like just stays up there.

What the hell? You put it up your butt? You put tampons up your butt? No. Does anybody else like do that? Actually, also, I think I don't know if tampons still come with that plastic. Like you should have put tampons up your butt. I don't even think you should be putting tampons in your fucking coochie because I just I don't fuck with tampons. I never did. I agree. I think we should get rid of periods. Oh, I thought you were going to say like, I think we should free bleed or something.

Yeah. No, I think we should figure out a way to get rid of periods. And that's on period. I'm just like, see, I'm written by a woman. I'm written by a woman. I'm for the girls. Like, I'm here for y'all. Like, I'll fight whoever I have to fight. If I broke both of my wrists and I, like, couldn't put in my diva cup, would you put my diva cup in for me? Absolutely, without a second thought. Like, I'd get in there and, like, I'd fold it up and spread it open and just...

That's not how, wait, what would you fold my vulva? Yeah, I'd like fold it out. You like roll it and you know like when you roll hair and you put the hair clip in it, you do that to my vulva. Yeah, and then I'd really take some time to try to find the clitoris. That's a psyop. The clitoris doesn't exist.

Technical difficulties. That's what happens when you call the clit a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It does exist and it gives me power. Can you show me later? I was going to say something so fucking like

foul and just like it's a Halloween episode no it's it's like sexual like if there is like a freak out there who like wants ever like a audio snippet of me saying something disgusting it was like so sexual it's some shit you would say during sex when you're like really feeling yourself and I almost just said it but I was like oh my god like that would be crazy not allowed not allowed no that's patreon content yeah subscribe to patreon if you want to see in your flicker bean talk about my pearl polish your pearl

Still that. That's not my joke. Yeah, every time I look at you for too long, I like look at the way you look.

So talking about coochies or whatever. Oh, but yeah, I was saying I don't, I only use diva cups. Although this last period, because I was home alone and I was just editing, I just like sat around in my period panties, like a little diaper all day. I support that. Like legitimately, I know it's not my place to speak, but I'm like free bleed. Yeah.

That's not free bleeding though. Free bleeding is like you have no pad, no tampon, no period panties. Like you're just letting it go. You're just letting it. You're letting it soak. We should free the period and free the nipple. I want to soak up the blood. Me when I'm a tampon. What song is that? What is that? I want to soak up the sun. The spot where the sun doesn't shine.

My butthole.

You know what I've always wanted to try? Is you know how people are like, oh, if your butthole saw more sun, you'd be happier. Like, there are those people. Yes, they charge their assholes with the sun. Yeah, I want to be one of those people. That's why I need to move to a rural area so I can go stand outside and like... Just like spread it open and put it into the air. Again, not something I need to verbally explain, but yeah. Yeah, I want to expose my hole to the sun more. But the reason we were going to talk about holes was...

We are literally going to talk about how we used to just hang out in sex shops. Yeah. But I don't even know if there's a story there. We literally just used to hang out. It was absolutely like... It wasn't like erotic. It wasn't funny. We weren't laughing. Yeah, we weren't there to make fun of anyone. We weren't like people watching. We were legitimately just there like...

hanging out and just like seeing what's what yeah what's new like let's see let's see the new technology some of that shit is fucking crazy i know it's literally investment pieces like a good wing bot is like 200 which is crazy but it'll last you a lifetime but it's it's 200 but that's a small price to pay for happiness exactly that's a small price to pay for high standards for the rest of your life um

But yeah, we used to just like hang out. I think I'm comparable to a vibrator. I think I get the job done. You're like 10 minutes after saying that the clip is a psyop and it doesn't exist. But yeah, we used to just hang out there and I don't, I don't know why we stopped. You know what it is? It was like how we would hang out in like CVS and Rite Aid for a while or not Rite Aid, Walgreens. Actually, are you a CVS, Rite Aid or Walgreens girl?

Growing up, I frequented Walgreens. Same. But now, I'm a CVS girl. Yeah, as I got older and it was my choice, I was a CVS girl. I actually think of the three, I think Walgreens would be considered more sophisticated. See, I feel like Walgreens is more like old person. I guess that's why I associate it with sophistication because I'm like, y'all are like bones. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, Walgreens, Olds, Rite Aid is just like... Rite Aid is scary to me. It's like the outlier. Rite Aid, I used to think that there was only Rite Aid in like northeast of America because the first time I ever went to a Rite Aid, it was in like Boston with like

Dana and Jake. Oh, is that the night where you just walked there and it was freezing fucking cold? Yes. And I bought like a funky hat and then my pants ripped. And that's what I remember for that night. But yeah, that was the first time I went there. And then I remember I bought like makeup on the website because it was like $2 for everything. Cause like, I think Rite Aid almost went out of business or something and they were selling things for really cheap. And I was like, damn, this place would be cool if it existed. Yeah.

If it was anywhere else. And then I found out it's like literally. Rite Aid is a literal liminal space. Every time I go in there, I fully, I freak the fuck out. I went in there the other day and I hung out in there for so long and I was, it was like fucked up and I was just walking around. Like I was walking back and forth. Like I was even contained to one area of the store. That's what they do to you. Like, you know, that one.

that one hallway i was like walking across it a bunch and the workers started like kind of hanging around me because rightfully so i was wearing this dress with blue jeans under it and my uggs stuffed in and the jeans were stuffed into my uggs and then my big poche hat and sunglasses and i had like a big thing of cafe bucello hey i'll send the picture to kai yeah because i was literally like hanging out with it like on my head and i had a jacket on top of all that

And it was like... It was one of the hottest days of the week. It was like 87 outside and that's how I was dressed like walking around riding. Hell no. Yeah, literally...

I don't know. I just feel like they like pump like a, like a gas into the air that just makes you lose consciousness. And then you just buy a bunch of shit. Cause every time I'm in Rite Aid, I buy literally everything. I like spend like $300 on candy every time I'm there. It's like ridiculous. To be fair, you're just like a snack person. But I guess, yeah, I do the same thing. I like buy, I buy,

bought like socks. I literally somehow spent like $37 and I went in there for coffee. I was like, I'm going to go in and buy my coffee. And then I walked out with like three different drinks to try. And I even thought about buying a bottle of wine because I was like, maybe I'm at that age where I just have a bottle of wine in my house and I have a cup of wine. And then I was like, yeah, I'm going to start that journey on my right. Like, hell no. Yeah, I feel like that in Sephora. And then there's another store that I was just in recently that I was like, dude, I have to get out of here. Like we have to like get the fuck out of here because...

I'm losing my mind. But we were in there, I think, together. Have we gone anywhere? No. Or was it with Orion? I think I was at Spirit Halloween and I was like, I actually need to get the fuck out of here. Like, I was freaking out because I was like, there's so much happening. There's so many people here. That's also a terrifying place. Went today to get some face paint. Especially the closer it gets to Halloween, the scarier it gets in that bitch. Like, they should just turn it into a maze on Halloween night.

turn off the lights and throw people around. Throw everything in the middle and you have to like dig through the pile to get to it. That sounds fun. I saw a, um, a softie. Oh my fucking God, I'm literally overheating. I have to take a,

Like, I'm over fucking heating. Like, I'm dying. You're having fucking psychosis. That was a crazy reaction. I'm, like, overheating. You, like, did not mention being hot once, and then you threw it off like that. I was trying to, like, just get through it. Just be chill. And also the fucking paint on my lips are, like, making me tweak out. I can say that. I can't believe there are some people who wear... I'm just different from other girls, and I just, like, don't, like, kick makeup onto my face like this anymore, like, ever. But, no, I actually can't believe some people, like...

spend all of Halloween night in a face paint like this because I'm

I just want it off. I want it off now. I want to touch my face. I want to touch my eyes. I want to give myself COVID in my own home. Oh, they should make, you know how they have those little things to make cilantro at home? They should make that for COVID. And they should give you little like test kits to make your own variant of COVID at home. No. I think it gives you the Delta and the regular one. And then you can use it with your own germs and see what happens. Why? Why?

You know what? I thought about it. Like, when we were, like, coughing in those dishes, like, when I was, like, collecting, like, everybody's bacteria, like, if one of us had COVID, like... Oh, that would have... I didn't even think about that. You were fully doing that during COVID. Yeah, no, I was, like, collecting everybody's bacteria during COVID, but I was like, oh, I could easily, like, collect someone's COVID. Actually, that's not how fucking viruses work. I'm dumb as shit. Never mind. I don't even say it.

I was just like, you know how like the cultures grew or whatever, but that's just bacteria being pretty. But I was going to say I was going to commit bio warfare and just like release it. You know what's bio warfare? Put it on your pillow. Azul's fucking hot ass breath. I went to go like touch her today and she was yawning and I literally almost fell. I almost collapsed. I don't know.

I almost collapsed the way I did when I opened that letter for the IRS today. Oh my God. I wish we got that on video. I literally started crying. That was actually traumatizing for me. You know what else was traumatizing for me this morning that I didn't tell you? But when I walked in the room and you were like, Azul! Azul!

No, Azul. I thought Azul was dead because you were like doing it so well. I was like, oh my God, my heart dropped and it started racing really quick. And I was like, that's why I walked away. And then when you were walking back to the, because I thought it was real. And you're like, are you, did you leave the door? I just like played it cool. But I genuinely thought Azul died. And I was like, I was like, oh my God. Oh my God. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. And I started panicking, but.

was so bad yeah i'm just like an actress i know no that's that was my first thought i was like damn like she killed that role like disney needs to sign her he killed a role the rolling question is me like yelling at my cat when i wake up disney sign her that azul has been avoiding the irs and she was underpaying her employees yes so that she could get away with doing less work and

she was being cost efficient but at what cost like her own life she's going to jail yeah zel's going to federal prison i'm just i just want to be real like you know what's actually scary sorry i'm i'm have not had like a good meal and this uh i've had so much caffeine so i am like going off an insane amount like yeah um

I saw this TikTok that this girl was like freaking out because she didn't realize that the payment from the creator fund was categorized as like self-employment and she didn't realize she had to pay taxes back on that. And she was freaking the fuck out because she was like, I just got a letter from the IRS saying that I owe all this money and I don't fucking have it. And she was freaking the fuck out. And I was

like welcome to the real world that dude that is so scary though and i feel like that happens with almost every creator it's like you're making that like money off of it and you're like oh this is fun i'm making money off the internet i'm gonna start reporting every creator to the irs and taking like 20 of their because that they have a clause where if you report someone who's not paying their taxes you you get like 10 you get 10 of like what they owe um i forgot to say that um

My hair is gray, but do you know how I made it gray? How? I sprayed dry shampoo in it. A lot of dry shampoo. You're a genius. We're a genius together. Like, why did you want to mention that? I don't know. I just thought it was, like, creative. That is cool. Thank you. That is cool. Thank you.

I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore. And you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I like, I can't believe I miss reading ads. I like, I miss the taste. Don't ever fucking speak again. I know. He always just thinks he has to just like have a fucking word in what we do. You know what, Kai? Get over here.

here and sit on mommy's lap. Actually, you don't want to. No, do your fucking job and stay behind the computer. Here, I'll record you and we'll just put this clip in. One day, we just, we, when we have the budget, you can have your own little camera. Okay? Okay, Kai? Get your own little camera. In the very, very, very right corner. Very, very small. And you only, and you only get shown when you laugh. How about you shut the hell up and I'm gonna...

Oh wait, we have pumpkins. Oh, no, I'm like save it for the page you have to go to patreon My leg is so numb. Oh my fucking god. Oh my god. It's literally non-existent No, no, it doesn't

Dude, I haven't felt this in so long. I feel that every single time I'm on a plane. It feels kind of good. No, it's at the point where it's pins and needles and if you move it an inch, it just electrocutes me. Don't even fucking play with me right now because I'll kick you. You won't be able to. It'll hurt you. Look at it. Okay. But yeah, that's that. There's another one that I like, a thing that I realized but I didn't bring up.

But I decided, like, I don't like soup. I think soup is lame as hell. I think... We'll fucking stop it. I just think it's not chill. Like, I think, like, everyone's lying when they say they like soup. You haven't had, like, a good-ass fucking soup. And I refuse to. I don't want that. I feel like I've made decent soup. No, you've made really good soup. But, I mean, like...

You mean you wouldn't, you would never go out of your way to like pick soup? Yeah, like if I'm at a restaurant, I'm not fucking getting a bowl of soup. Like, are you out of your goddamn mind? I don't know. You're just a child. It comes with age. One day when you're mature, you'll understand. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I love soup. I'm a soupy girl. Soup girls are the best. What is that audio? I took...

Soup girls, I don't fucking know. But I grew up eating soup literally every Sunday because my mom would make sopa de carne. There's a different name for it, but I don't know it. But it's like beef soup. Pero sopa de carne. Como se dice. Como se dice. Me voy a chupar un pie. Me voy para la calle. Me voy a bailar. Me voy a chupar.

Me voy a fumar marihuana. Hace bailando con mis lice. I need to put on a shirt. Soy un puta. Te encanta bailar, chupar y fumar. So I am a slut. I like to dance, drink and smoke. I think that's what I said. I don't even remember. You don't know Spanish, babes. I do. Say something to me and I bet I know it. Yo tiene ganas de cagar porque me tomaste un montón de café.

I had too much caffeine today and I'm shaking. No, but you were close. I said I need to shit because I've had too much coffee. I heard caca. I did hear caca in there. Yeah. Okay, you can get around. I pick up on some things. I picked up a thing or two being around you.

I'm like, what the fuck does that mean? Literally, it means I speak Spanish. Oh my God, I forgot to call my mommy. No one talks about the epidemic of growing up and not calling your parents anymore and being bad at it. You're really good at talking to your parents on the phone. I'll just hit them up every once in a while. You're just bored as shit. Yeah, it's either that. I have shit to do. You don't have anything else to do. I'm bored as shit and I'm like, I haven't talked to my mom in three days. I'm going to call her and hopefully my dad's around. I feel like...

I feel like I wake up every single day. I'm a good son. What can I say? Kai's laughing at me. Yeah, I'm a mommy's boy. Yeah. I don't know. What's so funny about that, Kai? No, nothing. You just like, you're like a simp for me.

Oh my god I feel like I am too But I just don't talk to them on the phone A sim from my parents Dude I am such a like I'm the worst kind of sibling Like I'm always like but yeah but like Think about like our parents Like I'm always the person you know how there's a sibling That takes the parent's side always That's me I'm always like but yeah you're not thinking about them And my siblings are like you're not thinking about me And I'm like you think for yourself How about that

I'm just a cunt like that. I'm a piece of shit. I'm a cunt. I am a kiss ass to my parents and I don't give a fuck. Like, what? I don't care. Like, I literally don't. Like, what are you going to do? Fight me? Go ahead. I miss being the age where you could like fist fight your siblings though because sometimes my siblings still say shit that annoys me and I want to pop them upside the fucking head. But I love them so much. And they don't listen to this so I can say whatever I want. They smell like shit. They're ugly. That's not true. All my siblings are very ugly. I literally love your siblings.

Getting like it actually like freaks me out how much they've grown up since I've met them. Like it is terrifying. I know. Like Natalie is like a teenager now. It shocks me. It genuinely shocks me. Every time you show me a picture of her and I'm like, what the fuck? Same with Leo. Like Leo's big as shit. Leo's tall. Yeah. All of them. That's the thing. That's what I noticed when we were in Miami. Like Leo is like.

Growing up. He's going to be a tall ass kid. Dante's getting big too. My 25 year old siblings. They're getting so tall. They're growing up. They're growing into themselves. I'm like the mommy sibling also. But we don't have to get into that. I'm not. I'm the black sheep of the family. That's something I realized when I was back in Texas. It was kind of a really sad realization. I was like.

I was like, dude, I'm selfish with my siblings. Like they're so giving to me and I'm

And I fucking suck giving shit back to them. So like I decided I'm going to start being like a good brother to my siblings. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. I was like, I just like Madeline like offered me a place to stay, which like is not that big of a deal. Like obviously like they can come over and stay whenever. But then just like that just spiraled like a thought. Like Steven was even like, yeah, you can borrow my car while I'm here. And I was like, what have I done for like y'all to like be this giving to me?

but like I guess it's just like family shit but I'm like they're your family they should be yeah no but it just generally is like I haven't been a giving sibling and I want to change that it's really funny to think about like family dynamics are so different across the board I always forget that because like I have very traditional and like I think what some would deem toxic ideologies of family that are like really based in Latin culture or like I think just like

POC culture is very like no matter what like your sibling could fucking shoot you in the feet today like you better like be there for them tomorrow like that's kind of like or it's like your like parents can say something really mean to you today but like that's still your parent like yeah like that ideology but I've like I've always felt like that I'm like I don't give a fuck like

Girl, y'all can push me down a well. I'm gonna figure my way back up and be nice. I'm gonna be an ass for one day. Yeah, I'll be mean to you. I'll spit in your pillow. Yeah, I'm like, I'm just so nice to my siblings. I grew up like spitting on their pillows and in their drinks. I just thought about what Dante told us and we can't say it to the public. It literally made me crack up so hard. What Dante told us at the car. I don't remember. Trump mask.

Oh my god. That was the funniest shit I have ever heard in my life. We have to have Dante on to tell that story. Yeah, because that shit was so fucking funny. That was like insane. And I, yeah. I do want to, I don't know if people would be interested in family episodes. I don't know why the fuck

why the fuck this one's turning into like a family like no I genuinely want my family on here so bad like I want an episode with my mom I want an episode with my dad I want an episode with Madeline and Steven I want an episode with Maddox oh we should literally we should do an episode in Miami and then in Texas with my parents my only thing is it sucks that my like mom can't speak English but I guess that's like that's still cool yeah we could like figure it out and we could like figure out a subtitle situation I could also just like sit there translating we could like maybe figure out like specific questions for her and then we could like

Translate them. Or we could have Kai sit there and work his little ass off and put fucking subtitles on. We'll make him learn a new language. We'll teach you something. You don't know Spanish. You don't know Spanish. Why lie? Why lie? You're a little fucking freak. Also, my bracelet is like, I don't know if you see the scratches. Oh, it's scratching the shit out of you. Some of the gold folded up. Yeah, because my bracelet is like real gold. You're on my rob list. I'm robbing you later. Shut up.

Why have we not stolen from each other yet? Because I don't think we want something from each other that bad. Other than clothing. It's like we steal each other's markers and shit, but we give them back. Yeah, we steal each other's food. I steal the fuck out of your food. Drew's food tastes so fucking good. Drew could order...

literally anything right now and like he knows by now I'm coming in and I'm touching yeah it's like a part of my life now like I have to over order just so and it can eat all of my food yeah but it's just part of it it all comes out in the wash because then I buy food and like he eats it too like it just all works out exactly I'm literally being fucking cut the fuck up by my goddamn bracelet that's just one of the many perils of like having swag like I do is sometimes like it hurts to be pretty

You're so fucking annoying. I'm going to look at a topic. Also, I wish this could be like a proper Halloween episode where we like talk about Halloween experiences as a kid. But not only have we said all of our like kind of scary stories in like, oh, actually we can talk about last night.

Because we both, without telling each other, I randomly brought it up and he was like, save this for the podcast. Because I had like a, I don't believe in fucking ghosts. We all know this. Like, I don't believe in that shit. And I still don't think this shit was a fucking ghost. I think I was going through a little bit of psychosis before I went to sleep. Like, nothing big. But I was falling asleep last night and I like, was kind of like drifting off. And then I heard like fully, like very clearly a man say something. Oh, hell no. Standing in the corner of my room. And I like...

This is so whack because I don't fucking believe in ghosts. Like, I'm just fucking crazy, so it's not real. But I fully felt like a presence, and I, like, opened my eyes and turned to look in the corner, and nothing was there. And then I didn't, like, move my whole body, but I just turned my head, and then I turned my head back, and Azul was also looking in the corner. No. See, cats can see shit. Cats see shit. No, Azul's just, like, a little funky in the head. No, all cats do that. All cats see shit. Literally Shane Dawson in his fucking video.

Like recording his cat being a cat and being like, he sees something. Like, he's just always seeing things. Like, girl, he sees dust. Yeah. Like, he's like. He sees a fucking moth flying. Yeah. That shit scares the fuck out of me. Like. I just went back to sleep. I was like, what? I was like, I don't fucking care. What are they going to get me? I was like, what are you going to do? Kill me? Try it. Well, the scary thing that happened to me is it was like, it was less at night and more like when I was waking up in the morning.

And I was like deep into this like dream and I was like, what the fuck? Like I remember consciously thinking like, why am I dreaming this right now? And then I started like,

feeling this like sensation in my lower half of my body and I it was a boner no no no I swear to god I pissed myself a little bit last night I swear to god on my entire life I pissed myself a little bit but I caught it I woke up and I caught it before like I fully pissed myself but I wet the bed last night um one time I was literally sleeping in bed with someone and I fully woke up and I was like I was like I'm like wet and I was like oh I like peed myself a little in my sleep like and this was

year ago no yeah I fully pissed myself last night not like fully but like no I had this you catch it yeah no I like had to wake up get out of bed like take my boxers off

shower put on some new boxers and you did not shower i swear on my entire life i did i wanted so badly for you to be like yeah i didn't no i didn't fucking shower i just like got up took my underwear off and went back to sleep see you call me a stinky bitch but it's different because i have like you know what i didn't do is i didn't wash my bed sheets okay no it wasn't enough for you to go on my bed sheets that's not what i'm talking about mine was yeah mine neither was mine mine was i'm not sleeping in a piss stain right now

I just tinkled a little. Y'all laying in my bed like I don't squirt in it. I lay in my bed like I don't go to town. Like I don't go to funky town with my wingba junior. Yeah, I... No, go for it.

You just sleep in your bed. Dude, when I go to bed, I have to pee like eight times. It's actually the worst part about like existing for me. It's like I have to go like tinkle because I'm just like I'm leaking like my hole is leaking every few minutes. And then sometimes I was going to make this another sex joke. We've ever recorded anything at night like the sex jokes, the amount of sex jokes that I make just like actually goes up because I don't have any brain power left. And I'm just like I'm just horny.

Literally. Then the day. And I'm home. Mia's a tampon again. I can just. What's up with the tampon jokes?

I wouldn't use a tampon if my fucking life depended on it. I don't want plastic in my coochie, but I don't think they make them with the plastic things anymore. That design was crazy. Like, have you seen the head of a tampon? It's literally like spiky prongs. Yeah, why is it like that? It's like a biopsy. Every little time, it's like a biopsy. It takes a little chunk and you can send it off to the lab to see if it's carcinogenic. When I did use a DevoCup for the first time, I was drunk and I put it in and I didn't know you were supposed to let the air out to take it back out. And I just went to go grab it and yank it out.

I was literally pulling my fucking insides out and I was so fucking scared. Did it feel good? Oh, it felt amazing. Does it clap? Is it purple? Is it pink? Are you team cream? Are you on the squirt team or the cream team? Sorry, I thought I heard something. Stop playing. What is that? What is that? No, stop. Stop. What is that?

Oh my god, did you lock the fucking door? Did you forget to lock the fucking door? I forgot to lock the door. You were supposed to... Oh my god. What? What? Literally my worst fucking nightmare. No, no, no. Let me join. You're like not even joining. You're like barely in frame. The funny thing about poetic justice is it's just so...

Poetic. I still don't know if that's a fucking line from the movie. Let me get my coat on. Ewww. You look fucking, you look fucked up. Let's get into this show. Oh, Cruella! Oh, Cruella's here! Happy holidays! Welcome, girl.

I'm just getting started, darling. Okay, okay. Do you actually want to be here to be on the fucking podcast or are you going to do your little fucking joke? What is this? Oh, it's, um, you put it up your butt. You remember how crazy I can be. How did you get here, Cruella? I need to know this. I need to know this.

I'm trying to get him to fucking... Bring back my dogs! Show off the outfit, because I spent a lot of fucking money on this. Bring back my dogs! Is that RuPaul? Sorry. Action! Oh my god.

No, when he was in character, like, I swear to God, I had to hold back punches. Like, when he did the born bad, mad, brilliant thing, I... No, I fully... I'm not kidding at this point. It, like, flashbangs my brain. Don't... Oh! Oh, my God. Yeah. Give it back to her. Don't be mean. Bring back my dog. Hold on. So...

Halloween. Okay, okay, okay. No, no, no, no, no. Stop it. Stop it. Like, no. We brought you on. Well, we didn't bring you on. You broke in. And

I was sitting in your fucking bedroom and Azul took a big shit. Did he actually? No, it stunk so bad. I was like, I can't move. I can't be too loud. And I was literally in there for a fucking hour while y'all were talking about tampons. Ew, I hate looking at you from the back. Why? Because I look good? Don't look at me. So I had to sit on the floor. Oh, yeah. We don't have any setup for guests yet. Yeah, we haven't figured out the guest situation yet. But we're thinking we're just...

We're going to make them sit on the floor for now. Damn, Daniel. Humble every one of our guests. Bring your own chair if you want to be up to our level. Exactly. We'll include that in the message. But yeah, we want to start having guests and this is like our first guest situation maybe. Yeah, maybe. We can bring just like... Oh my God.

Hold on. I never wrote on a podcast. I'm trying to figure out the groove of it. Oh my God, dude. You are one of the most unbearable people I've ever met. You're so chaotic. I swear, if you fucking touch my head again, Drew, I'm going to break your jaw. I can't stop touching it. How much can you curse on here? As much as you want. Can we do the media part already so I can get mine out? Do you need

Greer needs some promo? Is that what it is? Who's touching my head? Greer is going on tour. If you want to get your tickets, go get your tickets. Who are you supposed to be? Second link in the bio. You're on my podcast, bitch. Who are you supposed to be? No, costumes. Costumes. Oh, I'm the devil. I'm horny. That's what I am. I took that joke from my friend, Jester. I am the paint man who ate a quart of paint. What the fuck does that mean? Without thinking you got his yogurt. You're literally going to

break into our fucking house break onto the podcast and judge our outfits okay no just i i think this will be good maybe like we'll do a little test run and if the public doesn't fucking hate you we'll bring you back on as a real guest yeah we'll bring you back do y'all have any questions for me or um yeah uh so where are you from let the people know where you're from

I actually originally moved here from, it's like just on the outskirts of Denver, and I ended up moving to LA in like 2018? 2017. No, we met in 2018, right? Yeah, we met in 2018. And then my life changed. Are you okay? With what? Alright, what do you mean? You were just scratching really hard. Well, the wig, I mean my hair itches. Ha ha ha ha!

Maybe we should talk about when we first met Josiah and how big of a fucking asshole he was. Maybe you should let me tell the story. Should we save that for a full episode when he's a proper guest? Or should we let Kuro... Ow! I'm going to kick you off if you don't stop screaming. Can I do one scream? Okay. Ow! Okay. It's so fucking hot.

I know, that's my reaction too. This is what we go through every single day. Okay, what do you do? What do you do? What do you do? I'm a freelance stand-up musician. Stand-up musician? No. We're now Yankovic? Bo Burn-dom. Bo Burn-dom. I have been... Yeah. Yeah.

Bitch. Fucking cunt. All right. I've been... See, it feels wrong, though, because it feels like I'm down here and you guys are bullying me. Exactly. No, we're not. That's exactly the case with every guest. And you guys are older than me, so... Keep fucking talking. Ow! All right. Ow.

So what? No, please don't. It actually itches a lot. Just I was Cruella. Hold on. So now you're Josie. I'm in the band. Talk to us. Okay. Wait, y'all ask me these fucking questions like you don't fucking see me every goddamn day. No, we're asking.

for the people you better get fucking interest from them because if they don't want to hear from you you're never going to show back up you're not coming back and you're not getting the promo this is your shark tank moment okay no no let's talk about field trip okay hold on no okay here's the thing I do want to do a serious episode with you but actually I don't know if people fucking care about you babes you gotta they do they do why wouldn't they look at me

I actually, I can't see myself because, okay. So what do I do? I'm in the band and I'm actually going on tour. Damn, girl. You're killing it. That's all you got. Damn, Daniel. Listen, okay. How about I just tell some jokes? That could be good. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, I was watching Squid Games and hold on. Because I didn't know we were doing damn Daniel the whole season. With all the white bands. Okay.

White man sales have gone up 800% since Squid Games came out. And it was like, we were doing damn Daniel. Every episode I'd be like, damn Daniel, back out of the game on the white man. Y'all should get James on here.

James Charles? Yeah, James Charles and James Gordon. Okay, yeah, this is our open invite. James Charles, we know you really like us and you miss us. Give us a call. Hit us up. We'll give you a second chance. We'll be brave enough to give you a chance. Hey, who are you talking to? Why are you talking to Kai? We don't talk to Kai. Wait, this is the first time y'all get an opportunity to have...

Two conversations at once like I'm talking about you guys. No, that's like the worst podcast ever Wait, we should actually do a podcast like that Go on your own and you find someone to talk to you. You don't come here and I'll do a podcast with you guy No, don't comment below. I love you. I love you Kai. Oh, it's so hot in here Oh, no, no, fuck you very much. Okay. Ask me something. Do you need help?

No. Okay, that was weird. That was like, took you long to say. No, no. Oh, what's your favorite song? What's your favorite song right now? Girl, what's your favorite song? Damn. That's how James Corden starts off. Carpool karaoke every time. So what do you want to do for this episode? My favorite song.

I've never seen so much of your legs. I know. It's like sensual. They look good though, right? Yeah, you're actually giving. Come on, Tumblr. Oh my God. My favorite song is probably number one.

What? By Pharrell Williams? Yeah. No, you're just saying things. No, I'm not. Number one by Pharrell Williams. Dude, oh my God. That is not your favorite song. Right now it is. Really? You're a tweaker. You're Lil Skateboard Pete. Come on. Oh, you're a tweaker. You're tweaking out? Yeah, you're like dope sick. No, that is my brother. That's not me. Oh, God. Let's talk about my family for a second. Do you need us to cut that out, actually? No. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Should we harmonize real quick? Okay, yeah. Yeah, let's do it.

Drew, you start. No, I'm not starting. Please! No, you start because I'm good at it. Why do you have to start? Because neither of you know how to actually harmonize. Fuck you. Josiah, you start at a lower note. See, this is the most put-together the podcast has ever been because I'm here. I'm going to pull your hair really bad. You guys should comment down below to get me back next week. You should get extensions. I don't want to get extensions, and yeah, I cut my hair for a reason. Okay. I want to be able to interview Josiah, but I think you should just get out now. Are we going to do that? No!

Are we going to do media of the week? Yeah, we'll do it. We'll do a few more questions and then we'll do media of the week. So, Cruella, should we interview you as Cruella? You guys didn't like it. You told me to take it off. We did and you should keep it off. No, you should take it all off. Oh, damn. No. Okay. I've never been rejected like that. Peace.

Okay, so Uncle Ben from Spider-Man. Okay, no. What's your fucking favorite media of the week? Like, you're greeting me out. I know, like, I'm actually... I don't know if you can tell, but I fully, like, have not been here for the last 10 minutes of this episode. It's okay, baby. Don't you want to sit on my lap? Nope. So you can have... Okay. Um...

What time are we at? I know you're wearing red, but it doesn't seem like you're Santa Claus. I don't think... Should I read an excerpt from my Lemony Snicket book or no? Yes, that would be amazing. But maybe I'll save it for the next episode. Yeah, that'd be good. We could do the one after that one too. But in all seriousness, the one after that would be exactly right. What do you mean? Three people in a podcast. That would be a good idea actually.

That's like a lot of ideas. Are you asking for a job? Like we can't. I don't need a job. I have a job. I'm signed to a record label. Okay. I believe you. You don't have to say such. Do you want to be on our podcast regularly? Yeah. Nope. Okay. My media of the week is Squid Games for TV shows. Okay. I think I've watched. I've seen it twice. Also the new season of You. Oh, he's been watching You. I've never seen You.

Oh, hey you. We should do a paradox thing. Sleepy Joe, Joe Biden. Wait, also no one's talking about that Joe Biden being the main character in You. Dude, no one's talking about Joe Biden calling his wife Joe Biden. Wait,

My wife, Joe Biden. Girl, we're not talking about it. Okay, like he's better than Trump, but our commander in chief is like withering away every single day. That motherfucker is going to die. We need to change the age for what? What?

We need to change the narrative. We need to change the ideas in the narrative of the media. No, I was saying we need to change the age requirement to be... Oh my God. We need to change the age requirement of being a president. We should let a 19-year-old be president. Yes, yes, yes. To our 20-year-old. Oh my God. Josiah, is that you announcing? You want to be president? Okay, yes. I do actually believe we should change the age. You have to be born on May 6th, 2001.

Check the famous birthdays, please. Pull it up. Pull it up, Kai. Pull it up. Where does your famous birthday say you're born? For some reason. Okay. Yeah. I'll talk about that because everyone always asks about it. For some reason it says I was born in Hong Kong, China. I wasn't born there. But somebody submitted it because I didn't submit shit to them. They asked me for my age and my birthday and I told them. I don't know how they know everything else, but.

I try to change it. Wait, does everybody who's on Famous Birthday email them back and say, my birthday is here and here? Yeah, I did it when I was like 14. I did it too. They're so ugly. I did it when I was 18. I'm going to start calling paparazzi on myself. I'm going to join the fucking club. Should we do it? I tried it and he blocked me. No, I...

I guess the problem is, I'm like, no, I want them to take pictures of me seriously. But yeah, because fucking Hollywood Fix wants the pictures of Enya, you mans are walking to her Ford Fusion. Walking to my Ford Fusion in the Air One parking lot. We should start calling the paparazzi on ourselves. So Phoebe Bridgers and Bo Burnham, huh? You guys should make this a smoky drama show. Like, talking about drama. What? Okay, what does the smoky have to do with that? Like, it's like, so...

What is that? Damn, Daniel. Damn, damn, damn. All right. Okay, so your song is not your media? No, do real media. Okay. Wait, I think Squid Games and you is the real media for you. Have you actually watched Squid Games twice? Oh, yeah. I've seen it twice.

Almost three times. Actually, my media of the week genuinely is something that people don't talk about enough is Cruella. Not even joking. No, not even joking. You saw it. It was a good movie. No, it's genuinely a great movie, but when you do it, it's not. It changes everything for me. It is the least enticing thing ever, and that's why I haven't seen it yet because my only like...

Pointer to watching Cruella is fucking you. You're only boner to watch Cruella. What the fuck are you talking about? Wait, did I say boner? Okay, no. We're not talking about when we were setting up and you was like, is this light? Do we look flattered? Do we look flatter? Cut it. My media of the week, though, is probably Cruella. I've seen it 12 times, almost 13. That's not an exaggeration, by the way. It's not. He texts me every single time he's watching it. You bought it on Disney+. Yeah, before it was free to stream, I bought it.

20 bucks. 30 bucks. You got scammed. Worth it, baby. Worth it. I mean, you have gotten every penny out of that goddamn movie. That's my movie one. And my song is Come Together by the Beatles. No, I don't know what song. Was it not actually number one by Pharrell Williams? No, girl. I just said number one. Let me go. You and me. Classic. That's a hit to me. Mine is Come Again by M. Flo.

I've been listening to that one a lot. I don't know what that is. Okay. You can go, Drew. Yeah, you go. Josiah just can silence a room. He can really just do it. It's so fucking hot in here. Hurry. Okay. My media of the week is Born Slippy by Underworld. I blasted that 30 times in the car today. I listened to it over and over and over again. Claire DeLune No. 3 by Claude Debussy. Oh, yeah.

Cut that out. Claude... No, that's his name. Claude Debussy. You just said pussy. No, Claude Debussy. Are we allowed to say that on the podcast? It is Claude Debussy. Debussy? I thought it was... Yeah, Debussy. Then Portaphone...

Portofino 1 by Raymond Scott. No, we got to keep that one a secret. No, I'm done gatekeeping. I got called out for gatekeeping last week and it pissed me the fuck off. I'm going to shoot the next person to say something mean about me. Anyways, my media of the week. My songs are Starting Over by LCD and The Search for God, Breaking Action by Scarface and MF Doom, I Want You to Love Me by Fiona Apple, and Please, Please, Please by Fiona Apple. Damn. Fuck.

you my my video media of the week is scenes from a marriage i want oscar isaac so fucking bad and i need to get to him in the next five years oh wait he has a wife never mind ruin that family homewrecker in the next five years because he is not he's a homewrecker ruin that family hey homewrecker wait how old is oscar isaac i don't know if he's i didn't know siri was a guest on this show

Maybe talk to the real one. Maybe I know. Why would you know? I actually have been around. How have you been? I've been actually awful. If you want to know the actual truth. He's not lying. Oscar Isaac is 42. I fuck. He's married though.

Don't. After saying something like that, we need to reel it back in, people. I'm so upset. This is so upsetting. Should we tell them about what we're writing? His wife is pregnant with her second child. You should ruin that family. Me saying you're delusional. Like, oh my God, I can't. Ruin that family. Wait, Claire delusional.

Okay, that's it for the episode. Thank you so much. Okay, but genuinely, if you want Josiah back, not as a monster and as a freak, and he has to promise that he's not going to be a freak tweak. Show me the money. We didn't plan any of this. No, we have good questions. We'll have stories to talk about, but we just kind of wanted you to... We wanted you to get a feeler, babes.

But I don't know if I want you back after the way you behaved today. Are you going to ask me how my experience was? Because I'll tell you. How was your experience? It was fucking awful. It's hot as shit in here. There's candles lit for some goddamn reason. We're setting the mood. It's 97 degrees. You made me wear this trench coat. It's the mood. I had to wear a wig. Kai's here just fucking watching me. That's his job. Yeah, I know. His job is to watch. Get somebody else with, somebody with less threatening eyes. Damn. Kai has very soft, welcoming eyes. Kai has really puppy eyes. No. That's really sweet.

Shut up. I see through you. I see through you. Okay, that's it. This is the most Kai spoken in episode two. And we'll make sure that doesn't happen next time. Yeah, cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out. All right, cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out. Bye.

this episode have a safe and happy halloween make sure that if someone gives you um something that isn't candy you don't take it and if they give you pills if they give you pills take them um not right now what is that it's actually really offensive oh see you guys on next week emergency alert

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