enya was almost kidnapped
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Oh well.

Welcome back to Emergency Intercom. It's been a minute, y'all. I know, it's been a while since we've sat in these chairs. It's been a minute. It's been like a month and a half, almost two months since we've recorded all the episodes. Oh my god, it literally has been. Yeah, all the episodes y'all have been seeing have been stockpiled, loaded up. Hence why my hair was long in the last episode. But the one before that, my hair was short. Um...

- Well, how does it feel to be back in this chair? Like you've been gone for so long. Are you different?

It feels awful to be in this chair. Oh, wow. Okay. I thought you like maybe would express like joy and love for your craft or something. Absolutely not. Never that. Calling this a craft was a really brave statement I just made. Like that was really crazy of me. This is a craft. This is a career. How about you? Are you excited to be back? Absolutely not. I'm dreadful. No, actually, I'm so excited to talk because I've realized I talk so much and that's like not a shocker.

to anyone on the planet. But I've just been so much more talkative. Like, literally any thought I have, I'm like, who can I text this to? Because I just haven't had the podcast. And it hasn't been fucking me. Because this bitch, I'm not kidding, ignored me the entire month we were gone. And I'm glad I get this platform. Well, because I wanted to get our...

Our tension going. No. It was like I was building longing and yearning with you. No, no, no, no, no. You just ignored me for a month. But you can't deny that. When I got back, I went into your room to say hello, and we had nasty, dirty, hot sex because we hadn't spoken for so long. But I would like to speak. It wasn't complaints when I was finger blasting you. Okay, well, let's get into the episode, shall we? Because...

I have a Switch cartridge and Inya hasn't done the eat the Nintendo Switch cartridge challenge yet. That's like not a thing. I don't know why you keep saying it. Just try it. Were people actually eating this? Because why do I feel like that actually happened? Like a few kids ate this. Just try it. Lick it. I'm not licking your cartridge. Please, please, please, please. No, you lick it. I'll lick it. It tastes good. Why do you do it like...

I didn't hide it. Okay, well I don't want like... I did it! Whoa. I already did. Well, I don't want like on like video like there. Ew, that tastes like fucking acetone in butt. That's what I'm saying. It's like the Nintendo Switch cartridge. Do they like coat it in that so kids don't eat it? Yes, they coat it in bitter shit so when the kids put it in their mouth, they spit it out. Wait, give it to me because now that's crazy. Oh, now you want to play the challenge. Now you want to do the challenge. Yeah, I want to lick the metal part.

I doubt the metal tastes bad. - No, the metal tastes, oh no, it tastes really bad actually. Oh my God, that's actually crazy. Yeah, I feel like I saw when Switches were first coming out that kids were eating the cartridge. - It's definitely because kids were eating DS cartridges for sure and I wasn't one of those kids that had a Nintendo-- - Yeah, you definitely don't have fragments of Cooking Mama sitting in your stomach. - Or I was gonna say, Nintendogs isn't sitting in my colon right now. My Nintendogs died inside of my body.

Should I tell you the story I've been holding out? Yeah. Okay. So me and Orion were on our world tour, Europe extravaganza, and we would go to the beach every single- Why would a man be there? Why would a man be there?

I hate how loud one I hate how loud your voice can get to I hate myself because like no one knows the pain of hearing yourself like while you're trying to while I'm trying to disassociate and fall down a rabbit hole of nothingness on TikTok to hear my own voice is the most like

But it's not the first time because I'm really famous. I was going to say like it's really hard for me too to hear my voice and be scrolling on my feed and see myself pop up like... I'm like, oh, not again. Me as if I didn't fully like an edit of myself like three days ago. Oh, no. I literally go through the emergency intercom. I search up emergency intercom on TikTok and like every single video on there just so it boosts the algorithm. You're so annoying. I'm like, the girls need to see this.

You use the bathroom and, like, leave it playing, like, on loop so it's to wrap up use. No, literally exactly. We actually have a bunch of iPhones in the house. Like, you know in Target when they had the iPhones on the little thing? We have, like, eight of them in the living room. And then we just, like, do the accessibility, like, auto-scroll thing. And we have it going through every, like, few minutes. You know the Pokemon Go player bikes that have, like, the big wall of...

No, I don't. And I never needed to know that that existed because that's fucked up. It's the craziest thing you'll ever see. It's like basically they do it. Pokemon Go bike phones. I don't know why that actually just disgusted me. It's the craziest. It is the most dystopian shit you'll ever see in your life. Hold on. But they do it so they can like walk a bunch and hatch a bunch of eggs at once. It's sweet that it's an old man though. Exactly. Like it's cute.

It undid the ick of it. It's crazy. There's, like, a bunch of people that do it. Dude, he's actually fucking fire. What he should do is start a streaming business where he boosts the streams on these flop-ass bitches' accounts. That's the one thing that I don't believe. I believe in the dead internet theory that there's no way... I love Selena Gomez. Like, she's the girl, like...

But there's no way her music is streamed that much. I do not hear it anywhere. The Weeknd, like, yeah, maybe. But I still think they're, like, buying streams from stream farms to boost their streams. So when I see it, I'm like, oh, my God, she has 90 million monthly listeners. Ooh, maybe I need to tap into that. Same with, like, the Kardashians, everyone. Like, how the fuck does Jimmy Kimmel have, like, 80 billion followers on Instagram? There's no way he has followers like that.

But he only gets like a thousand likes and 10,000 views on his videos on IG. Like dead internet theory is real. Like we're just all interacting with really advanced bots at this point. And like, we're probably not talking to anyone. We're talking to AI, like robots, like that are borderline sentient.

you were actually schizophrenic no look up at the dead internet theory i swear to god it's a real thing like it's that's just that was your drew psyop corner oh no i have i got a whole bunch of shit to do in it look at this look at all these are those all like psyop corner things or oh that's just like your this your notes this on to there is psyop

So I got like four episodes worth written down. And I did it all on the airplane and I looked like a real psycho. Like a real psycho. What's the story? Um...

So we would go to the beach every day and just lay out and rot in the sun because it's all we wanted to do. Did y'all play with each other's pussies at all? Yeah, lots of tripping happened for sure. And like me and Orion went to Europe and we were like this, but we came back like this. And it was actually a problem. When we were getting on the plane, we were like this and they had to like pull us apart. How do you even sit? You buy four chairs? Yeah, we bought a whole row so we could just like lay and then we would buckle like...

Over our hips and then our heads like our nothing hips. Yeah Wow, you have really fertile hips like you have really nice birthing hips. I'm gonna start saying that to people you shouldn't You had a nice like just womanly body. Oh my god Your hourglass figure is shining through that skims dress right now. You look gorgeous That's what you should comment on somebody's ID post take her swimming on the first day because not only that makeup now But they got skin suits

Skims by you know the but what like if you could have a skims bathing suit Is that what you mean or you know take that shit off? Oh cuz you're saying like it's fake Okay

I'm just telling the truth. Like I'm, I'm, I spit, I spill also. Sorry, keep going. No, wait, what were you going to say? I was going to say like the video of being like, dude, it's crazy to see this video of this kid that, and he grew up to be a cult leader. Oh yeah. And like all the comments are like, who the fuck is this? And why is he a cult leader? There's been a lot of videos going viral of me recently of me like being like a homeless person in the back of Madeline and Steven's videos. And like, it just reaches the side of the internet that people have no idea. And people actually think

you're like a serial killer they literally think i'm the killer and that is like my ultimate dream and then when they actually find the bodies in central park it's gonna be like dude it wasn't a joke cut that shit out cut that out okay so we would go to this beach all the time and in europe it's like not like naughty to take your top off at the beach fuck bro why didn't i get to go man i didn't see all the boobs on the beach

But that's why I didn't go see Barbie because there was no tits in the movie. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. If they showed some puss, I would have been in a row. Yeah, like, hello, Barbie. Like, Mattel, like, step up your fucking puss. Oh, you want to talk about, like, showing, like, people for who they really are. And it's supposed to be the sentimental, like, human experience of a Barbie movie. But where is the pussy? Yeah.

We've said the P word like 18 times already. It's probably the most we've ever said it in an episode. But actually, this story does have to do with my coochie. But I was not about to say my P word. But so we went to this beach every day that we were there. And we went to it every day last year. And while we were walking down this hill, we realized this shit was a glitch. I'm not kidding. It was a glitch in the system because we never saw. Now I'm listening. I know. We never saw.

never saw this like open way of the railing because it's like a long road down a mountain that you have to walk down it's like a 15 20 minute walk and we never saw this opening in the railing but as we're walking this time we notice it and we look over and orion's like we should go down there to see what there is because we always look over the edge and we're like damn there's a bunch of boats out there and y'all are entering the old beach no literally and we always talk about how we wish we could rent a boat to go like

out on the water or be in a really secluded area. The beach isn't that busy. It's a pretty secluded beach anyways, but that area is so secluded because there's like two houses that have beach space, whatever.

We go down there one day and we're like, this is awesome. We need to come back here tomorrow because we were high as fuck and we wanted to eat really bad and we didn't want to have to do a trek back and forth. That's pointless. Next day, we go down there and we're all alone. So I'm just like, okay, I'm going to just get butt naked. Like no one is here. We're fully like covered by rocks.

And I'm just like, oh, okay. So we're like laying there topless. And then I just was like, I have not been naked this whole time. Butter Bronson up. Butter Bronson. Up. Like what's just facing that sky? Is it your butt or your Bronson? Oh, it's my Bronson. Okay, okay. It's my Bronson. So you're laying on your butt. My extremely pale Bronson is shining in the sun right now. Whatever. It's like not crazy.

not crazy. I didn't take off my whole bathing suit, but it was a tie one. So I just like opened it up. And then I was like, oh, if somebody, if I see somebody in the corner of my eye coming, I'll just like tie it back up. Whatever. I am not somebody who's like, oh my God, someone's going to see me naked. I literally don't care. Also, that is actually a big issue that I need to take care of because I'll tell the other part of this story, but this is a big issue I have. And I do it when I feel like I'm supposed to be in danger.

I'm really stubborn. So if somebody is giving me a dangerous vibe, I won't immediately walk away from the situation because I am so stubborn that I'm like, oh, you think you're going to fucking scare me, bitch? Try and stab me. I don't give a fuck. Like, I'm going to stand here. I don't care. And that's basically what I did in this situation. We're laying there and this man starts coming down the steps and I didn't notice him until he got close. And he just like,

obviously i had been getting like we got pervy stares like the whole week because we're just two girls with our fucking tent out i was like walking around just looking i know and drew kept coming by in different disguises and we were like you literally don't have to do that you could just look and he was like oh i'm just like i'm not drew exactly um but he the way it was is we were laying out on these rocks and then there was a rock right in front of us and he literally he this man comes up and stands there and is like looking out at the water but then like

like looking down and I was just like oh my god so I like slowly start getting dressed because I was doing the thing where I was like oh you think you're gonna scare me like you think I give a fuck if you see me naked like I don't give a fuck and then but that

that didn't work out for me because he took it as like, oh, okay. So then he just starts glaring down at me. And then I was like, okay. So I start slowly putting all my stuff back on. I don't think anything of it. And then I literally said to Orion also, he had to have been like 43 or something. So yeah, if it was like a seven year old man, I'd be like, that is my thing. That is literally my thing. Because also at the restaurant on this beach, there's an old man who has to be like 68 who works there. And without,

without a doubt every time we ate there he would be taking my order me when I'm like I'm not gonna be allowed this episode no no I just noticed that mine's really loud too but without a doubt every single time we ordered at that restaurant and we would be coming from the beach so I would just have a bikini top on and then like pants or something give him a show yeah he literally would be like like he'd be waiting like and he like literally my boobs were like magnets like he would be taking my order and be like

I don't know if you can see, but our eyes are going up and down. And he's a little shorter than me somehow. So he would literally be like, like his head was like, like being dragged down by my boobs. But it's a short guy summer.

no the fuck it is short guys are winning this year i'm like no the fuck it's not i've never had sex with someone taller than me um but that's besides the point actually one or no literally every single person i feel like they're all short they all have like short vibes really they all got that short vibe um but we'll finish this story in another episode so

- No, I saw a video where someone was like, "This is me when they say they'll show a picture," like, and they never put it up on the screen. - I know, it's really bad. - And then the other one where it's like, "We'll talk about it in another episode," and we literally never do. - Well, we will insert the paparazzi one here. - Yeah. - 'Cause in the middle of this story, we'll insert the paparazzi footage. - Here's the paparazzi video-- that's the paparazzi video we've been talking about for months. - Hey, child, love you.

Bye Coco!

And we just never we forgot to put it in there. But people in the comments were like, I want that video so bad. So there it is. And we'll finish the story in the next episode. Yeah. But OK, so whatever. I slowly get dressed and then I'm like me and Orion were already planning on moving because for some reason there was hella flies in that area anyway. And we kept like because you're stinking Bronson. Yeah, it's because my stinky cooter Bronson was out. So we were like, let's just go to the actual beach because also this man is here now.

I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore and you're probably thinking wow oh my god I feel so bad for them they deserve ads uh but we're doing our job you're not doing your job you need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again I like I can't believe I miss reading ads I like I miss the taste so we get up and we start going up the steps and he disappears down into the rocks and there's a bunch of boats docked in the area which I only assume there's this boat

boat that goes around and you can get taken to your boat like whatever so this man disappears down the rocks and as we're going up i like look around because i'm like okay he didn't exist we just made that up but i see him swimming towards a boat oh hell no and he's like me and orion stopped to stare because we were like wait what the fuck is happening is that his boat and then i was making the joke to orion i was like damn i'll let him see me naked some more if i go get on that boat like if i get to get on the boat i'll let him

look at me naked all day. That was literally David Hasselhoff and he was swimming like David Hasselhoff in Spongebob like fastest bug chasing y'all. So he gets on his boat and when he's on his boat he sees us staring at him and he looks at me. I never interact with perverts and I like me and Orion had just been joking that we I would let him see me naked if I got on the boat and so I like look at him and I like waved. I don't know why I waved. So I

I waved at him and me and Ryan just start laughing and we go up. I can't. This is crazy. Now we're walking down this road and we hear like an engine revving up. So we think a car is coming and we kind of step to the side and we look out into the water. And then we start hearing really loud like...

Europeans play this kind of English music that it's what they think Americans listen to. It's like weird electronic EDM-ish AI voice where it's like, we're gonna party tonight! Like, like, like, like, random ass music. He thought y'all would get real good at that. So we heard that kind of music and an engine revving and I look over and he is- Modern day siren. Like, luring y'all by the EDM to kill you. He is-

following us down to the beach. Oh, hell no. Are y'all walking or are y'all on a boat? We're walking. I didn't even know you could cruise control a boat like this. Like, I didn't know he could go at our pace. So...

I look over and we start cracking up. I'm like, oh my fucking God, he's following us. I shouldn't have fucking waved. Oh my God. And I'm freaking out and we're walking down and there's like two houses. And I was like, Orion, Orion, when we get to that fucking thing, hide, hide. Like we need to hide from him. And he's following us. We hide and we stay there for like two minutes and we are cracking up. We like pull out our towels and like cover our faces and our bodies because we're like, maybe he'll just like think we like went into this house. And then we keep walking and he literally, I don't know how, he knew when we were walking. So he starts speeding up again. Bitch, he...

kept calling us in or i was like yeah bitch you were talking all that shit you're gonna see naked and now he's gonna stab and kill us and then you know i was like okay wait wait maybe there's a chance he's nice though like maybe there's a chance he's like just like a looky pervert too much game we were like we were like maybe he's nice because also this was like the day after we hung out in lisbon and for the first time ever we met lesbian a straight yeah we well

Come on. Like, we got close. There's a whole city called Lesbian? Yes, and I said we got close. Where do you think we got close? Is that, that's Greta Thunberg, huh? That's where she's from, Lesbian, yeah. Okay. Wait, are you saying she's a lesbian or she's from Lesbian? No, no, no. There's like that picture of her saying Lesbian or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm coming to Lesbian.

whatever the night before we had hung out in lisbon and we met for the first time ever the least like not the first time ever but the least threatening straight man on the planet and it was such an enjoyable right here oh you're what i'm right here what does that mean the least threatening straight man on the planet

Like, I like bonbons and bronsons and shit, but, like, I'm not gonna... Oh, bonbons are boobs? Yeah. I like bonbons and bronsons and butts, but, like, I'm not gonna, like... Be scary about it. ...fucking touch them and shit. Yeah. Without people asking. Have you ever touched them in general? Yeah. Like, sandbags and shit. Triple B. I'll wrap this story up because it's gonna go too long. Anyway, so we're, like...

For some reason, we're also just kind of hungover and being stupid. We're like, maybe he's chill. Maybe it's not even that big of a deal because we want to get on a boat that fucking bad, I guess. And then we keep walking. And so we walk down and there's a dock and then this restaurant. He stops at the dock and I was like, Orion, speed the fuck up because he's going to get out and talk to us. And Orion was like, wait, we need to interact with him if he comes to talk to us. And I was like, okay, true. But he doesn't come to talk to us, so we keep walking. Bitch, tell me why he picked...

Oh, man.

oh my god that's like my munch come back like you weren't willing to like get out and like swim over to talk to me like oh my fucking god like you're literally not a real man you're playing games and that was the whole story of me interacting with a pervert and then actually being fearful for like 20 minutes because i genuinely thought i was gonna get me and my friend killed because i waved um and that's it but it's good to know that all it takes is somebody seeing me

butt naked nasty for like three seconds for them to literally swim to their boat and start chasing me. Which actually, now that I've said that whole sentence, I don't know if that's a good thing to say. I think that's like sadly kind of common. I don't remember what I was going to say to you that I told Josh and

Josiah, when you left to go to that dinner. Yeah. Fuck, what was it? Oh my God. Um, boy, I went to Missouri. That was lit. It was a good vibe. Um, I got to hang out with my family at the ride horses again. Um,

yeah it was cool what the fuck happened what was it oh i know what it is okay so you know how like it's a running joke that like i don't think i'm related to my parents like something fishy is going on like either my mom like had a baby with another man and my dad was okay with it or my dad isn't my real dad or my mom we got switched in the hospital like whatever the case is like

i look like my mom like i saw a picture of me and i look like my mom so i'm my mom's kid but the more i look i don't look anything like my father which is very curious and then so we uh got uh dna test kits and tell me why my mom and dad were like shaking in their boots when we got these dna test kits like they were like curious they were like flashing their eyes and all this like weird and like my mom brought it up at the dinner table like four hours later and we didn't even like freaking

bring it up like we forgot about it and there's some such shit going on like so y'all i'm about to find out that my father is not my father but he knew the whole time and raised me anyways i mean at the end of the day like he's my dad like he raised me like that's my father but it's definitely gonna cause a ripple effect and you'll never look at him the same exactly exactly exactly exactly um but no i told me and madeline made a pact like if we find out he's not my dad we're not gonna say anything we're just gonna be like yeah you're our dad like but we're gonna know

So you're going to lie. Yeah, exactly. Wow. But the craziest part is so my dead brother, Sam, he did 23andMe. Yeah, he died, Anya. Oh, my fucking God. Bro, he died like three years ago. I'm sorry for your loss. He died three years ago, bro. But no, he did a 23andMe test. And Madeline did a 23andMe test. And if you're related, like your DNA code, if it's similar enough, it comes back. And it's like, oh, by the way, y'all are like,

brother and sister or y'all are related theirs didn't show up as related to one another which is very fucking curious because that's how all starts on all those weird documentaries about like all the people like being like oh wait i have like 380 brothers i almost was like do you think because he's like not here anymore they just like don't connect it but that's not how that works like it's literally ancestors like it's supposed to be like everybody exactly so it's very curious so i'm like

And same as my dad's child. So I don't know, mom. I know you're listening to this and you're writhing and you're pissed and you're scared as boots. You're scared because your secret's about to come out. Yeah, exactly. You're about to find out the real you. Exactly. But like this is a tea and I'm going to update the girls as it goes. You did something that reminded me of like an ick just now. Or it was last night. Oh, wait. Last night something happened. I was like, oh, watching somebody...

play on oculus would be such an ick and i would never never be able to like literally i would like not be able to date somebody if i saw them play with an oculus like it's too much and then like even the thought of the way i look playing an oculus i'm like it's all i think about when i did you get a video of me playing no but tavia did so we should we should ask we should insert it if we remember yeah because that shit is

Yeah, I mean, it's fun as fuck, but also it's weird. Like, it's just weird shit. But do you have any other turn offs? Yeah. So if you can't drive, you need to get a life like that is actually disgusting. Like if you can't drive and if you drive slow, if you can drive and you drive really slow and cautious, that shit actually pisses me off. Like, I'm not kidding. Like, why are you actually doing 35 miles an hour in a 35? Are you being ableist ageist?

- No, I not. - Do I need one? - No, I not. - Do I need one? Do I need one? - Any trip or fall. Any trip or fall. Like, even like, but especially like a trip where like the trip doesn't actually happen. - And you're like, "Oh." - And you're like, "Oh, oh my God." Like that. - Yeah.

- That is too much. - Dude, I know exactly what you mean. - Like almost losing your balance and be like, "Oh my God." - I almost fell. - Yeah, oh, I almost fell, really? You shouldn't say that, don't do that. - You should have just fallen 'cause I would have felt bad. - Cramped feet so you get a little bit of a limp. That's disgusting. - Oh, okay. - If you're like, "Oh, my feet are cramping, I can't, ow." - Who the fuck do you know that's feet are cramping regularly?

I know people with cramped feet. My fucking foot, when I actually, that brings me. I've never had a cramped foot, too. So I'm like, one, you're making it up. Two, why are you barely able to stand right now? When I was nine, there was a doorknob right next to my bed. And I used to put my butt on the doorknob and just use it as a butt plug and just hang out up there. No, I used to wrap my foot. No.

Why did you even say that? I don't know. Because I used to wrap my foot around the doorknob and cramp my foot on purpose because I love the way foot cramps feel. And I still, every once in a while, will arch my foot

um like that like a ballerina i bet if you do it like that i'm very hydrated and i've been drinking a lot of electrolytes so it doesn't happen as often but when i was like younger and didn't drink water and only drank coke and did coke when i was like 13 um yeah i mean you started when you were 10 so it's hard to like yeah yeah this is a fake nose it melted through my uh what is it septum yeah um yeah it was really rough but yeah have you ever had your toe sucked

No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I was going to say, because it seems like you're forgetting that I suck your toes all the time. So I was offended. And then I was like, what? You don't want the people to know that I put your toes in my mouth? Oh, dude. Also, like, no, no, that's too much. My mom, if you're listening, like literally turn this off now. But when they when it was like one time and my big toe was being sucked and like,

Oh, God. This is so embarrassing. No, I can't even tell. I can't even talk about it. I can't even talk about it. I've had my toes in mouths like plenty of times. People love my feet. What can I say? I have a high rating on wiki feet. Bro, I got a fucking 1.89. And what's crazy is I don't even have like a good photo of my feet out there. That's the crazy thing. If I put...

put a good photo of my feet on the internet it would be a wrap it would be really bad for a lot of people it would break homes it would destroy people like it would literally make the people who fuck with feet like actually viscerally upset that they can't suck my toes i got a 2.39 now well that's because you begged you like begged for people to go and give you good reviews but what people didn't know about me is i have a size 20.5 foot in u.s and i'm from estonia

But, okay, mine are, if anyone is, like, my age, like, that's weird. Like, you should be three times my age at least. I have, like, a four and a half. And, like I said, that's without a good picture of my feet. Like, no one's seen, like, a good picture of my feet. See? But you said anyone our age? My turnoff is if you're my age, you have to be at least twice my age. Okay.

And then like if you have like long hair, like big birthing hips, like piercings and you wear makeup and like those things that are on people's chest sometimes. Like and if you have a vagina. Oh, so you just like want to like. Wait, wait, wait. We're talking about turn offs. Yeah, that's a big turn off of mine. I thought you were straight. So like boobs should be like a thing for you. And then if you like take care of yourself.

Oh, that's gross. I'm just confused because it sounds like I thought for a second you were talking about like turn on like things you want. No, no, no. You don't want any of that. It's just those things on the chest that are getting away and they're scary. I just think men are really gross. That's kind of it. Um, well,

my new thing guys i have a new thing the idea of a man propping up his phone to dance in front of it actually just like i saw you i saw you i just imagine that like when girls are like playing music from their phone and they're together like dancing in a room i'm like do the do you mean that one no the little oh uh

I can't really do that one. I thought you meant... Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Um, no, that is really cringey. Um, my new thing recently has... I've never liked a thirst trap from a man. Okay, keep going. Neither have I. The fuck? Ha ha ha ha!

The fuck? Like, couldn't be me. My new thing is me having blood clots. I'm convinced I'm going to have like a pulmonary embolism. For somebody who goes to the doctor a lot, it seems like you don't go to the doctor. And now I'm starting to get convinced that you use that one app to meet all your friends and like go hang out with friends instead of go to the doctor. Yeah, so... And I don't mean ZocDoc. Grindr is like ZocDoc. So like when you say it's like ZocDoc, but for pastors. I don't think we have a ZocDoc ad, so we're going to stop saying it.

Even though I genuinely do use it, but okay, more. Yeah, it's like Grindr, but, or Grindr is like ZocDoc with pastors and doctors. Oh, okay. So when I use it, I go to the doctor. I didn't know you were religious like that, though. Yeah, I've been dabbling recently. But my new thing is blood clots. And what were you going to say? It was completely different. So keep going. No, you keep going.

I was gonna say weddings are freaking me out again because why is your dad passing you down the aisle like a blunt? Like you're literally getting passed like a blunt to another man. Like it's really weird. It's really weird too because like I was watching a video. I was like the connotations of this are odd because it's like your dad needs to hand you off to another man which insinuates that your dad owned you and like had you as his and then is giving you to another man which makes me so uncomfortable because it's like wait are you fucking your dad?

I need to know. But that's it. Oh my God. No, it's just like a cute thing. I don't think it's cute. I think it's really fucking weird. I'm different. I'm going to have my mom pass me down the aisle. Let people be happy, girl. Because I'm having sex with my mom and your mom. Actually, I'm going to have your mom. That would make more sense. How is that urn going to walk down? How the hell is that?

Well, we're going to put it on like, you know, the robot waiters at like restaurants. We're going to put the urn on there and I'm going to hold the features cart when they roll the TV in. When they roll out the projector.

projector it's like my mom on there someone said when the teachers used to roll the carts in they used to be like hung over and that's why like they would bring the carts in that makes sense bitch i would have never taught those kids because all of our teachers i'd be hung over all the time because i have a really severe alcohol and weed addiction right now we keep going um but my new thing is uh blood clots i'm convinced that i have blood clots in my body all the time and

It's gonna be clipped a million billion times when like- - It comes out that you actually do. - When I do die of a blood clot and I got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine as a joke. - Can you like know if you have a blood clot before it's bad?

I don't know. I don't know. I think like it gets bad and then it gets worse. So when it gets bad. That's when you know. You know. Yeah. So like this dude. When you know, you know. If you knew better. But this. Yeah, that's just something. It's a song that I'm working on. That wasn't the song I was singing. Yeah, it's my own song. Oh, okay. Yeah. So and you just thought to like outshine me and like throw in your own song. And let's survey the audience. Who ate better? Me or Indian? Who ate better?

Guys, I've been, like, really addicted to Pokemon Go in, like, a fucked up way. Like, two hours every single day type shit. I'm gonna do a raid in the middle of this. Okay, while you do a raid, I'm gonna say this thought I had. So, I think...

There's like this idea that when women get older, there's more leeway for them to be mean. And as a younger woman, there's this idea that you should be gentle, nice and patient and super forthcoming and submissive, especially around men, obviously. And you shouldn't be loud and whatever, whatever. But it is always acceptable.

- Yeah, all that is like... - No, like, you agree with it or you... - Yeah, like, be silent and shit. Women should be... I don't know. - Can you go back to playing fucking Pokemon Go and shut the fuck up? - Yeah, I'm sorry. - Yeah, exactly. But there's this idea that when ladies get old, like, the mean old lady, like, archetype, it's like, "Oh, like, she's, like, mean and annoying and, like, really naggy and blah blah blah." And, like, as women get older, there's almost more leeway and acceptance and almost...

an assumption that with age you will get obnoxious and annoying and this only was something I was thinking about because of the fucking age filter and all the jokes about like oh when I'm older and I just start yelling at people because I can which I'm sure like most people like I everybody thinks like as you get older you get to do that but my hot take which isn't that hot of a take is I think it's more acceptable for women as they age out to be

like I'm saying that with quotes if you're not watching annoying or angry or whatever because you are less sexualized and less objectified the older you get so there's no need for you to be as submissive or as like tranquil and blah blah blah and like as nice and

all those things because you were less desired by the public so nobody's gonna get on your ass for being like all those things yeah and as a younger woman you're expected to be all those things because you need to upkeep a sexual appeal and a desire to yourself and that's just something i thought about about and it's not necessarily fucking tea yeah um and now we're gonna sit here while drew will just time lapse this

Sorry, this is like really important actually to me. Um, okay, like I didn't ask. If it's important to you, that means it means nothing to me. How about that? I'm used to this behavior. I left my phone at home yesterday, y'all, all day long. And I like survived. And it was fucking lit. I could survive too.

It's fucking easy. Dude, it's not a fucking competition. I'm just saying, like, if you think you could survive, you would literally feel like you were watching Survivor or watching me survive. I did it. I beat him. Did you win? I win. I won. I got a Regidrago. It's brave of me to make fun of you for being obsessed with Pokemon Go as if I haven't been on a two-year streak of being obsessed with Fortnite. Damn, it's already been two years. Yeah. Holy.

Holy. And I don't foresee it ending. What if I'm like 38 and I'm still playing Fortnite? That would be fucking late. I'm probably going to neglect the fuck out of my kids. Like, I definitely shouldn't have kids. No, that's my take too. But actually, like, I genuinely don't think I'm supposed to have kids. The more I think about it, I think you should have kids if it is a deep, deep desire. And when I do have kids, if this is still up for some godforsaken reason...

And they hear it or somebody who remembers me saying this is like, oh, my God, that bitch is pregnant. They're going to really freak out and be scared. And maybe I will change my mind. But I am so flip flop on the idea of having a kid that I just don't think I should have a kid. Does that make sense? Like, yeah, I think people believe.

by our age know whether they want kids or not but we are very young so maybe that'll change but like i just don't want a fucking kid like my parents had kids by this age yeah which is so fucking weird disgusting like i i cannot imagine i cannot imagine having a child right now like really genuinely cannot imagine it like goes straight over my head and like beyond that like

There are moments, like, especially after hanging out with my niece, like, Madeline, like, Luna, like, that I'm like, oh, like, I can see myself having children one day, like,

I don't know. Like, I don't, I really don't know if it's in my cards. Same. That's how I feel when I see other people my age with kids. It is sweet and wholesome and heartwarming. But then when I imagine myself with a kid, I genuinely don't want that. Yeah. I don't. Like, thinking about being 35 and not being able to pick up and leave my house without taking this thing with me, I'm like, damn, that is actually so inconvenient.

Yeah. And I guess like it just clicks one day like and maybe it's like fucking love where like you have to like actually try to be in a relationship and like it's it's chemical to a certain extent. I've definitely been in relationships or like in situations where there were moments where I was like, now I understand. Now I understand why someone would have a kid with somebody because I have this like primal human urge to have a child.

But then that usually wears off and I'm like, whoa. And I think that's probably what most parents did is within that time span of having that primal urge because they didn't have TikTok and all these other things to look at. They were like, fuck it. We should just have a baby because I really want to have a baby with you. And then that phase of like desire and whatever fades off and then you're left with a fucking baby. That's like what a lot of people like postpartum or like

Just in general, like a lot of people like experience postpartum after birth and it's because of that. It's like, holy shit. I actually have. I used to party and I used to have fun and I used to be able to do whatever the fuck I want and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And now I have to like give all that up overnight essentially. Like it's crazy. I fully understand postpartum and it like really makes me sad. But you could just give it away. Yeah, for real. There's like systems for it.

For real. If you don't want it, you can just fucking get rid of it, I guess. You can sell it to Wasteland and use that check to go buy yourself a latte. Exactly. Have a think about that. Do y'all remember the Wayfair child trafficking...

That was crazy. Dude, that was actually... That was the first sign that, like, left-leaning people are also susceptible to conspiracy theory. Does that make sense? Yeah. Like, if you make the conspiracy... If you, like, make it right, a conspiracy theory can hit anybody. Mm-hmm. Because... There was a moment where I was like, holy shit, like, that is weird. Like, why are they selling a $25,000 dresser? But...

Come on. Come on. I don't think Wayfair is real. I think it's like a... Like, who would buy a $25,000 dresser? Like, I think it's like on eBay. Like, I could post something for a crazy amount of money and just see who buys. Yeah. Like, that kind of thing. Remember when I put my grandma on eBay? Yeah, now you don't have a fucking eBay account because you tried to sell a human. It's crazy. I, like, got, like, IP banned or some shit from eBay because I tried to sell my grandma on there for a video. Oh.

And the bid got up to like, what was it? Like $36,000 or something like that to buy my grandma. And then I got banned from eBay. That's a good price. Yeah, right? Yeah, $36,000. That's life-changing money. Yeah. Like, hello? But I guess, wait, it doesn't go to the person who's being sold, so...

yeah exactly but if your grandma's going to good hands you know she'll have a good time yeah like she'll be chill like they'll take care of her start a new chapter and it might be a blessing to at that stage in your life get to like exactly um okay well i have a list of things that like we're doing now that like i feel like are going to be really really barbaric in the future and like

I was trying to be funny, but I literally couldn't think of anything funny. So if you think of anything actually funny, let me know. But these are like... My barbaric thing is having my wing bot under my pillow and abusing the pocket. Oh, hell no. Literally, I walked in there because Inyo was like, I lost a pendant. I did lose my necklace. And I was like helping her look for it. And I flipped over a couple pillows and her...

wing bot vibrator was literally just sitting on the bed like under her pillows it was like what is the point of living my day if i don't get to celebrate life at the end of it exactly create life and some may say that is an addiction some may say i'm a dreamer

Barbaric is me thinking that it's cute that I wake up every morning and go have a cigarette with my coffee. Well, that's funny that you said that because I have pocket pussy written down as barbaric. That is barbaric. Look at that thing. Look at it in the vagina. Like, it's scary. That is...

much more barbaric than a wing bot a wing bot is like a miscellaneous shape like a vibrator is a miscellaneous shape whatever for the most part but a pocket pussy bitch can you get a grip on reality like that is i can get a grip on my penis with this vagina pocket pussy um but no you do not get the vagina ones uh yeah i do what the heck what i um and then i have a funeral's

are barbaric. I actually do think they are. Because they're so fucking expensive. They're big fucking scams and ruses. And then we embalm these bodies with like really, really toxic chemicals and then bury them in the ground so they just

melt into our waste, like our runoff water. And then we just end up drinking dead body juices, like literally just burn the body and move on or bury the body and plant a tree on top of it. There's a really good episode of Midnight Gospel that talks about how funeral culture started. And it was like during wars that people's family members would go out to war and die

during war, obviously all these families would be devastated the last time they saw their loved one was who knows when. They really wanted to be able to see them at least one last time. Also, it was during the era of like, you don't have videos, super accessible videos and pictures of them. Why didn't they just invent it? Obviously, these families were devastated. They wanted to see the body. And then these two guys came up with the idea of embalming bodies and traveling them back to the families and which became a huge industry. And then that became, that's where the idea that

dead bodies were super radioactive and like harmful and toxic to be around it stemmed from that because people wanted you to immediately like start up the funeral service and get a body embalmed when in the olden days what people used to do is when someone would pass like from fucking scarlet fever and illness or something in their bed they would usually just like keep the body there for like a day or like however long and like let the family kind of sit with the body and just be like

Wow. Like, and, like, mourn within that time period, and then you would have the body transported to be buried or something. So it was literally just, like, morticians being like, no, you have to give it to me now so you can pay me later. Yeah, no, it's literally like, oh, but we want to spruce it up for you. And I'm sure a lot of people do, like, enjoy the idea of a funeral, but...

Yeah. Why am I here and why is my family drunk? Literally. Why is my family partying at the funeral? And then I got meat consumption. Why did I bring my espresso machine to my mom's funeral? Keep going. I got meat consumption on there. Girl, that shit's weird. Like, it tastes good as fuck and I get it, but like...

bro like grow the meat yeah that's how i felt yesterday about the salami that we were eating um because it was sitting out long enough that it started sweating and i was like this is so abnormal look at it a moving creature but that should taste good in the eye it is literally like red with blood and muscles i will say like steak like a steak a steak freaks me trust me i fucked up a good steak in my life and in my time i grew up in texas but like

bruh, like all the blood and the juices. And every time they're like, it's not blood. It's blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Girl, I don't give a fuck. It's red and coming out of meat. Like it's nasty. That is blood. What else would it be? There's like this like other shit. They call it. I don't know what it's fucking called. And they get mad at me for any time I say it. Y'all are listening to what the people like the people are trying to tell you. That is blood.

Listen to us. We would know. Exactly. I've been looking at y'all the whole time this episode. Keep going. I got prison time for victimless crimes. Girl, let the people smoke and do their drugs. Like, we don't need to flood the prisons with people. Period. Yeah, it is super barbaric.

That is literally super barbaric. That is like the definition of animalistic. You know what? At the beginning of time when someone did something bad, we were like, we're going to put you in a fucking cage. And then they were like, we should make this cage into a multi-million dollar business. Dude, that's what I was just about to say. I like paused and I was like, oh my God, all of these are driven by what? Capitalism.

Let's go. Okay. And then these two are like kind of more serious. But clean drinking water, us having clean drinking water is going to be barbaric because like it's going to be polluted because we don't know how to handle nice things. And then having grass in your front yard is going to be very barbaric because the sun's going to burn a hole in the ozone layer and we're not going to have grass or water.

Oh, okay. So barbaric in the way that like people are going to look back and be like, dude, I can't believe they even had that. I was just joking. Like I was saying like, girl, climate change. Hello. Yeah, we're done for sure. There's like literally nothing we could do. That's also why I don't want to have kids. They're going to melt. Oh, have you ever heard of the flute of shame? No. Bruh.

Okay, so it's this like metal casted thing that like is cast around your neck and on your arms. So you're if you're like making really bad public disturbances or like playing music publicly, they'll tie this. They'll make this thing that like goes around your neck and your arms and you just have to carry it around all day. And we need to bring that back because some of you bitches are making terrible music.

I do agree. Hold on, let me show you it. Thought he was gonna be the one, be the one for me, but he ended up loving Tom more than this pussy. That is fucking fire. Yeah, bring it back. Someone's gotta put their reader in that. Girl, no, we're gonna be the ones with the flute of shame around our fucking necks with us screaming in public and shit. And you will never stop me from being shameful in public because it's literally the best part of this time. Oh my god.

I ate leftover Joe and the Juice as my first thing. It was, like, a leftover spicy tuna, and then I had a coffee and a cigarette, so my insides probably smell like embalming fluid. Y'all...

joe and the juice is the spicy tuna sandwich is the greatest thing you can put into your body as sustenance i'm like ew eating meat is gonna be so barbaric in the future fish is different though like seafood to me doesn't feel as barbaric for some reason like does that make sense exactly also like it feels cleaner even though i'm sure the ocean but no to me the ocean is clean

Even though, like, I think it's really polluted. Yeah. Also, the big ass nets that they drag along the bottom of the ocean and just destroy all the coral reefs. It's like the saddest and just scar the earth because they want to collect fucking shrimps or some shit. Like, bro, just... I'm gonna eat that shrimp, though. Grow it in the fucking aquaponics chamber or something. Okay, I have an experiment. Try it out at home. I want you to think about something you don't like about yourself.

Are you thinking about something you don't like about yourself? I can't think off the top of my head. Okay, that's the whole thing. It's just like, think about something you don't like about yourself and just ruminate with it. That's the experiment? What? You just like sent us all on like a self-loathing path? Exactly. I want you to be like depressed. Actually, think about this. When he asked that, how fast did you answer? And if you didn't answer immediately, maybe you do like yourself and you should stop being so hard on yourself. Oh, wow. Because that's what that taught me.

I'm not even kidding. That's what that taught me. Cause then I was like, I was like, the first thing I thought of is I do genuinely, I think this is a problem more for my own safety though, is I am too open and vulnerable of a person. If somebody asked me something, I will fully answer it honestly. Or if I'm feeling something and going through something, I will tell everybody my business. And I actually do think that's a problem because nobody needs to know my business the way they fucking do.

Dude, that it is so crazy. Like we'll meet someone and we'll be hanging out with them for like two weeks and then you will tell them her entire life story. There are certain things I absolutely won't say. And I literally have a list of that certain thing. And I have a list of the people I've told because I'm actually...

super crazy and neurotic about it but like yeah i'll tell them all my business i don't give a fuck like i'll be like yeah like the house got broken into and tom got hit by a car and then i broke my ankles i'm like i literally will go on a whole thing i'm pretty similar to should i flash my coochie the way i did in the last episode eight million times apparently yeah yeah yeah but yeah um you probably love yourself but he ended up loving alcohol more than this pussy but now we can get into media

That's my media is that BB Rexha song. Okay. My movie is Carol. I need to watch that. Y'all that shit was earth shattering. Like call me by your name level of just like, bruh, like, like made me so fucking sick to my goddamn stomach. I wanted to like vomit all over the airplane. Like so fucked up. Please watch it. There's like a couple of quotes. Um,

I like this one from it. You're a strange one, aren't you flung from space? And the context makes it better. And then her on the phone saying, ask me things like, oh, come on. And then my media. Oh, those are quotes. I was like, bitch, what song is that? My song is Teddy Wilson, Blue Holiday. And then...

I've been in like listening to like the worst rap you've ever heard um challenge like that's like the game I've been playing and I really like Op Pack by Zulu Shopping Spree by 10k and then this song isn't rap but it's Wicked Game by Chris Isaac is really cool it's like that brand

Oh, yeah. And then Interface by Scars. S-G-A-R-Z. And this is the type of music that I make. And so it's cool to see someone else doing it too. Well, mine is the most insane mix of...

genres and vibes ever same um honey won't you call me by hank williams um smile please by dean blunt circles by atlantic star you've changed by keisha cole i love your girl by the dream if you grew up listening to that song please listen to it again because i hadn't heard it in so long and then is that what we're listening to in the car yeah and she's uh radio killer beat up the truck

I love you, girl. Your mom's a... Okay. And Cherry Pie by Sade. And Will I See You Again, The Sacred Souls, which I thought was an old song because I'm a cunt and I only like music that sounds old if it is old and it's a newer song, but it's so fucking good. And now I'm like, damn, I need to listen to the rest of their music so I can see them live and I should stop being a fucking hater and putting a timestamp on music because that doesn't make me any better than anybody else. And I'm just like,

keeping myself from enjoying something that a lot of people get to enjoy. And then one day when I'm older, it will be old and I'll be able to be like, wow, I remember when that came out, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I'm just like this actually awful person, but it's mainly to myself. Like I just hold myself out from so many joys because I'm so scared of being perceived as somebody who is a loser, but I'm literally not. I'm so fucking vibes. And then the last one is Infinity Recording by Daft Punk. And then I'm trying to think of what movie I watched. Oh, I watched Bones and All and I've never laughed harder at an ending of a movie in my life.

my life and it was so enjoyable for that and thank you so much and it was like I liked the movie but the ending actually made me want to throw up from laughing so hard nice and I saw Oppenheimer obviously literally everyone in the world saw Oppenheimer I haven't seen Barbie yet because I'm a straight man and there aren't boobs in Barbie that's what I was going to say there's no pussy in Barbie so I'm not saying it there's no man

male genitalia i want to see some dick and balls no there's none of it in oppenheimer there is i'm not kidding there's a full 15 minute sex scene with butthole actually i'm not kidding that's my is seeing a man's ass like from behind just like seeing his little balls hanging down between his legs it's really cringe male anatomy is really fucking gross like whoa and it's like stinky

Ew, dude. And it's so gross. Should I do a Drew Psyop corner to end off this episode? Yeah. Welcome to Drew Psyop corner. Okay. Don't leave your pills around me because I'm gonna be Googling them to see what you got going on.

When you posted that, I was like, dude, I do the same thing every time without fail when I'm at my parents' house. They always have some new fucking medication. I look at it. I'm like, I'm like, bro, why do you got fucking antibiotics? You got an STD or something? Or is this like a painkiller that I'm going to take? I realized antibiotics get me a little high. So I'm going to start giving myself BV more often.

So I can mix my antibiotics with alcohol because then I get really fucked up. Oh, don't do that. You're going to commit or you're going to create like an antibiotic resistant fucking bacterial vaginosis. Some of y'all's wops got a pH balance that could turn a cucumber into a pickle. Wow. Gay son or margarita pizza? Honestly, margarita pizza. Okay. If the day is right.

If I'm like high and it's like 73 degrees out and I have a really good... Oh, if I have a really cold Coke to go with that, I'm picking the pizza. My pronouns are he has risen. Wait, what did I say yesterday? My pronouns are, oh, banging yo mama. Yeah, and mine are I slash maid slash yo slash mama slash squirt slash...

vagina juice slash all over the walls slash period um and then the last one is condoms be having the pussy smelling like rain boots oh also four times three being 12 is a condom maybe 10 times in my life that is so fucked up that is literally so fucked up i'm like that's so fucked up

So the slut. So to fucking slag. Bring back manly men. I've been saying like what the crap and what the hell seriously. What the hell? And it's not okay. We do this all the time. We start saying something ironically and then I'm actually like what the hell? What the crap?

You're a weird motherfucker. And you better call Carl Bismarck. And you better not be a snitch or I'll tell fucking Carl Bismarck. I sound really good. Motherfucker. What's the other one? Orion was complimenting me. I'm probably not going to do it right this time. But she was complimenting me on my impersonation of like, you better stop. Stop. All right.

You're all lying and you're being scammed and the TikTok shop is insane and a finesse and a scam. Exactly.

Unless I put something on. Yeah, unless I get paid to do an ad.