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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.
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Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. I'm Drew and I do have Apple AirPod Maxes and I'm like...
I love them. My name is Enya and I have them too. And yes, if you were wondering, both of the pairs are very dirty. The dirtiest thing on the planet. Wait, are we going to talk to the camera or to each other? I don't know why I'm talking to the camera. Because I was talking to the camera too. Yeah. Well, maybe sometimes it's good to speak to them. Let them know. Let them know that I see you. I'm watching you. I'm in your walls. I'm in your room. I was just like chewing gum the whole time. Let me swallow real quick. You swallow gum? Yes.
Yeah. I do not swallow gum anymore. Really? No. I literally every piece of gum I've ever eaten, I have swallowed. Drew, you know, the little like black dots on the concrete or gum, right? Yeah, I know. And that's like why I don't spit it out because I don't want to add to that pile. So you'd rather just let it sit in your stomach? Well, it doesn't actually like the stomach acid in your stomach is like super fucking powerful. It would melt your finger if you ate it. So if I really was upset with you, I should throw up stomach bile and throw it in your face.
Actually, that's a good idea. Well, should I talk about... I have something very, very, very important to say. Oh, but I have something very important to say too. Like, so shut the hell up. No, I have something very important to address about the last episode. I just want to... It's like hard for me to talk about, but... No, I'm here for you. Here, give me your hand. I want to just...
Kind of clear the air. Yeah. Yes, I have a ginormous fucking schlong. Like a big fucking meaty girthy cock. And the thing is you've warned everyone. You gave multiple warnings. Like my wiener is huge. Everybody always talks about it. It's a big problem in my love life. Yeah. And that's why you don't have romantic...
unfolding because everybody wants to use you for that. And it's also just extremely fucking difficult because when I get an erection, all the blood from my brain goes to my wiener and I pass out. Every time I stand up, it's because my penis gets blood in it. And that's why I'm like lightheaded. People want to blame it on, oh, like, I
iron deficiency, like whatever. Yeah, no, it's... You're going to be the first human to OD on Rye 40. Like literally. But most of my problems in my life are because of my big ginormous schlong. Yeah, wow. I didn't even think about that, but there are...
There are a lot of problems in your life that you could, like, trace back. Yeah, no, it was funny that I, like... When I was watching the episode back, I was like, blur this, blur this, and, like, make sure you can't see this. And then, like, within the first five seconds of the episode, I'm, like, picking at it. Yeah, you were, like, grabbing it and moving it around. Well, it's okay because, like...
So women's boobs should be sexualized. That I understand. But we shouldn't sexualize the wieners of men. Yeah. I actually also have a question for you about boobs. When you and like Orion or you and any of your girlfriends are watching a movie, how quickly into the movie does it take before you start playing with each other's boobs? Wow.
We usually don't because I don't like... What? I don't like have sex with my friends. Fucking weirdo prude loser. How does that make me a prude? That's just like not something I do. Well, should I talk about... Okay. Let me preface. So last time I saw Drew was we did our Berkeley show. Hey!
Berkeley Puss. And it was amazing and awesome, but I had to rush out of there because I had work in New York and Drew was going to meet me in New York. First of all, so dramatic. Because we have work in New York. Yeah, because we're just like working groups. We're working. Our life is a movie. Hence why we're here. Oh, also if you're wondering-
Oh, you're going to speak over me. Yeah. Well, as a man should. Shout out Stray Rats for letting us use the office because it's so fucking cool and iconic. Yeah, if you're wondering where we're at. We're at the Stray Rats headquarters. Julian is goaded with the sauce. Let's just say that.
Extra goat. Can I have a side of goat with my sauce? No. Can I have a side of sauce with my goat? No. No. It's too much. When we were leaving Berkeley, I had to like rush out of there. I did not tell you this, but do you remember what I texted you before I took off?
That you were convinced you were going to die or something like that. Oh, did I tell you that? Yeah. Oh, wait. But do you remember along those lines what else I said? Not off the top, no. But I'll remember once you tell me. Okay. So I'm going to say the story and then say why I texted you when I texted you. Wait, now I have to go look. I feel like I could find it. What was that? Oh, my God. All of my notes just deleted. I'm not even fucking kidding. I had like a hundred notes.
Recently deleted. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, my God. I literally almost had like I wasn't even have a conniption fit. I was just going to cry. But OK, keep going while I look for. I know how to find it. OK, so much.
I'm like leaving on a late flight out and it's a red eye. So I'm thinking to myself, okay, I need to sleep because the next day I had to show up to... Twerk, the twerk competition. Yeah, I had to show up bright and early to get my booty all oiled up so I could start twerking for Drew. But I had work the next day. Like I had to be at set early in the morning the next day. So I was like, okay, I need to make sure I sleep on this flight. So before I got on the flight, I did what anybody...
would do in my situation, which is instead of taking melatonin, because I don't believe in melatonin anymore, I took an edible and had like two drinks, which is like I'm not saying to do. Is it the morbid thought? Okay, yeah. Wait, so I didn't... In my text, I didn't say that I thought I was going to die. I just like I had a morbid thought. Okay. So...
whatever i'm just like a little cross getting on my flight this company that i'm working with got me like a nice flight so i was like the first person on the plane like i could see right into the cockpit bragging much i'm just saying like it has to do with the story but like my life is a movie and i am working with a company that treated me like an absolute princess and i like flew business class like it's like really fucking easy like honestly oh wow
So whatever. I'm like a little cross getting onto the flight. I had taken an edible right before I boarded because I was like, by the time I sit down, I want to be high and knock out. So I'm sitting on the flight. I'm like on the phone. And then I go to get off the phone. And I'm like, I get off the phone and I'm sitting there. And I had been on the phone the whole time until they said this. This is what made me hang up the phone was,
We were getting a little delayed and then the pilot got on and was like, okay, there's like a maintenance issue. We're going to have some people come on. There's a switch for the navigation system that isn't working and we're going to have someone come on. That for me...
That's literally what happened on the MH240 Malaysia flight that like fucking disappeared. Yeah, bitch. That for me was not okay. Like I literally immediately started freaking the fuck out. And like in that moment, him saying that ignited my edible in my brain. So I was so convinced that it was done for me. Like I kept making comments like to myself just kind of laughing me like, oh my God, what if we like got off the plane?
We should get off like right now. Final destination. The maintenance guy rushed past me into the cockpit and they had pliers and they were tugging at the switch with pliers, like trying to fix it. And he was like, oh, we're just going to turn the plane on and off again and see if it works. And they kept turning on and off the plane. They were literally just resetting it. Like it's a fucking iPhone. Yeah. Like, bitch, this is not an iPhone. This is like me in the lives of a bunch of people. Like, so yeah.
They do that for like 20 minutes. We get delayed. And then the maintenance guys run out and they're like, all right, I think everything should be good by now. We're just going to take off and it should be fine.
It should be fine. Bitch, that's why... Should be. Read our text. And you said, I just had the high... I just had the high thought that's so morbid. And I said, what? She said, like, if I ever died, how would y'all get into my laptop? Which that being like... That's your thought? That's what you're thinking about? Okay, and then I'll explain this. We keep going. Like, to see my texts and shit. What the fuck? Because I'd want yours. And I was like, haha, OMG, you know mine. And then...
And then she gave me the password to the laptop. Cause like my notes. - Okay. And then like, that was kind of the end of it, but I didn't want to tell you what was happening. Cause I didn't want you to get anxious then take off and hear nothing from me. So I tried to play it cool. But what was actually happening is I was sitting in the front of the plane crying. Like I literally started,
Well, that's where most people die in plane crashes. The front of the plane breaks off. First class dies. I was like, I'm done. I'm like, this is why I don't do this shit. This is why I need to be in an exit row in the back so I can fucking jump out before the plane crashes. Like, this is it. This is my fucking NB all. Wow. Like, I can't like I can't believe this. But I had a moment where I was just thinking I didn't have morbid thoughts of.
This is so stupid because obviously I was not near death, bitch. I like... You were so fine. You were just high. I was near death. A little high. But I didn't have any like...
sad thoughts i genuinely was so satisfied and happy with my life and the reason i gave you the password to my notes app is because i wrote this which i'm not gonna read out loud um but i wrote this like 307 am october 25th am i allowed to read this yeah but you can read it but like don't read it out loud we'll we'll skip ahead because it's gonna take you eight years to read that
that's so and i literally was crying writing this and i was just like i need drew to find this and share it to anybody who like why do i have like 13 notes just like that yeah it's like bad like if y'all go through it'll be like my life was amazing i love my friends family i'm so grateful for everything i've experienced um yeah so i just thought you thought yeah it's funny like i
You were tweaking. I was so convinced. You were literally tweaking off a fucking beam. The second that plane started moving, I fucking knocked out and I literally sat the whole flight. All that for nothing. But that's literally me. Every single flight, I am sitting in my seat like,
convinced I'm gonna die so I text everyone I know that I love them I'm like I'm taking off I love you like that's my vibe every time dude I've gone so far down that path that I don't do it anymore because now I'm convinced doing that will solidify my death even though like either way like you
Planes are like really safe. They're so scary. They're literally so ooky-doky. Yeah, I just thought you would think that's funny because that's my life. Well, while you were going through that, I literally almost fucking died. And I know I say that like- Every episode. Every episode. Okay, so I almost died.
No, no, no. But this was very, very real. Like, it was not okay. But so on my flight, like, I must have gotten bit by like a spider or a mosquito or something. I don't know what the fuck the bite was. But like, it was like really itchy. And then it kind of got really hot. And then it got like warm. And then I just didn't look at it for like four hours. And then like...
I got to the hotel that I'm staying in with my parents. Oh my gosh, I'm in New York City with my parents. It's so cute. Super cute. But I've done that before, so it's like, what is it? Okay, okay. But I... Wait, let me make sure you can hear my voice. Okay. Um...
But I get to the hotel and I'm like, damn, this shit itches really bad. And I look down on it or look down at it and it's bulbous. It's super swollen. The bite, it's literally a quarter of an inch off of my skin and the size of a quarter. And I'm like, wait, this was not like that. What the hell is going on? And so I show my mom and dad and they just fucking laugh at me. They're like, that's a spider bite. And I'm like, yeah, it literally is a spider bite. And I'm like, cool, I've never been bitten by a spider. End of that.
well like a few hours later we're eating like lunch or something and I look down and like I just have this like giant red patch on my skin and I'm like yeah I heavily documented it like but like I have like this giant red patch on my skin and I'm like
what the fuck is that um and i show my parents and at the diner and they're like bro you're tweaking you just scratched it like that's a scratch area and i'm like yeah you're right and then like a couple hours later i look back down and it's starting to literally travel up my vein like it literally went to my vein and started traveling up my vein and i was like wait what the fuck like
is that like an infection? Like, am I like actually like about to like have sepsis? Like, is my blood infected with fucking poison? Like what the hell is going on? And so I showed them again. Everyone is just like, bro, you scratched it. Like it's not that deep. Yeah. I literally was like, girl, you keep scratching it. So you're going to like, that's what's happening. Yeah. And so I just ignore it. And then the line keeps crawling higher and higher. And then I'm like, okay, like this is not good. And then I'm just like, whatever. Like if it's
that bad I'll be alive tomorrow and I can figure it out tomorrow like whatever if it's that bad I'll be alive yeah so then I'm like it's like 4am and I text Josh and I'm like yo like I need to talk to your dad like I think something is very wrong with my arm and um
I send the picture to Josh and Josh's dad is like, okay, like tell him not to panic. He's going to be fine, but he needs to go to the hospital like right now. Like he should have gone yesterday to the hospital. He needs to go right now or an urgent care, but like go and get antibiotics.
I didn't do that. Like, I went the next day. I went to sleep. And then I woke up. Yeah, where did you go? Just to an urgent care. It's called, like, me doctor. Like, it was fucking weird as hell. But the line went all the way up into my shoulder. And what freaked me out is I was laying there and I could feel, like, my arm. Like, I've never, I've had, like, a sensation I've never felt where, like, my fingers were, like. My fingers. My fingers were, like.
Like tingling and like numb. And then there were like certain spots that were like a deep throbbing, like almost bruise like pain. Sorry, there's ghosts here. We're really scared. I know, there's spooky, spooky ghosts and skeletons all around. But yeah, I'm like feeling this throbbing pain. So I ended up calling Josh's. I ended up calling Josh and...
Yeah, I went to the doctor the next day and they told me I was like, I had like cellulitis, which I was like, isn't that like what people get on their thighs? Cellulite? Cellulite. But they were like, no, it's like cellulitis. Like you have an infection under your skin and it's traveling up your vein right now. And I was like, oh my God. So I'm popping pills. I got to take. I know he's got some perks to go home with. He's super excited. I'm taking two perks a day for the pain.
because my arm almost fell off. But like, tell me why. It's so funny. Like we literally, you can't tell me something. But we've talked about this on the podcast before. Drew is so difficult because everything is a dying matter. Yeah. So it's extremely difficult to navigate any situation with him or tell the severity of it because he kind of just likes talking about things. I was going to say, I was going to say like, tell me why. I was like, what if I don't take these antibiotics? And like, I have to like, my arm falls off. You purposely not taking it.
yeah and I get to get like a cool chrome hearts like arm like custom chrome hearts arm oh you can't afford that though so oh they do it for free they do it for free um but yeah I'm gonna insert all the photos of it because of your scary arm yeah this is like the last one where I was like okay I need to go but like you can see it like traveling up um but yeah I survived I'm surviving another day every day is okay I'm
Every fucking day is a blessing. And you should treat it as such. And you should love the people around you. Oh my god. When did you find that out? Yesterday when I almost died. You're 25 though. You're 17. But by 17 I knew. Why the fuck does everyone keep saying that shit to me? Like everyone keeps saying you're 25? That's such a weird fucking age to lie about. To land on.
Hold on. Let me look at my notes. I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore. And you're probably thinking, wow, oh, my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I like I can't believe I miss reading ads. I like I miss the taste.
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We should talk about the Berkeley show. No. Oh, wow. Oh my god. Okay, actually we should because it is so insane. People saw videos of us at the Berkeley show and were genuinely so confused about it. I'm an Ivy League. That's not an Ivy League, but like iconic-ass school. The Unabomber went there, killed a bunch of people. Oppenheimer went there. Okay, something's wrong with Drew. You said that on stage. Yeah, I was like...
Y'all are some evil bitches. Just calling for what it is, honestly. Yeah, I was like, there's some evil fucking creep in this room that's going to kill people. Wow. Even though I kind of agree with Ted Kaczynski, not the killing people part or the bomb part. Well, we went to Berkeley and every time... This is the second college show we've done. And every time we do it, there are like three moments on stage where we're like, oh, oh, wow. Oh, wow. Why did I say that? Why are we saying this to college students right now? But your schools keep asking us to come, so...
Oh, I was going to make a really gross joke, actually. Me in the same sense as being like, why do we say that? Yeah, no. I just can't stop myself. I talk about drinking Adderall water at a college campus. And lean. And lean. But my lean story was lit because it was like,
the culmination was like i'm fucking stupid but i'm not giving that away like okay wait that's the group i looked at my notes and the other last thing other than my uh my can we talk about your uterus my uterus is not doing well but we shouldn't talk about that because i'll get it fixed i'll get it tightened up um but please other than my eulogy that i wrote for myself i wrote this like this was one of the this so this
puts into frame where my mind was at while I was thinking I was dying. I said, the fact that I have headphones that can literally turn off the world. Music in, world out. Literally music in, world out. We have fully gotten there because it is so crazy. Noise-canceling headphones. Noise-canceling? Noise-canceling headphones when I use my fingers. Noise-canceling headphones when I use my fingers to click the button.
I'm not kidding. It actually freaks me out. Like, I don't understand how noise-canceling headphones work, and I can't believe that they just do. Like, I just turn them on, and I hit a button, and I can't hear you bitches. Like, that is really crazy. Also, very dangerous. The clairvoyance mode is, like, literally the craziest thing I've ever experienced in my life. I fucking hate clairvoyance mode. No, like, it's crazy that I can hear the world, but there's still music playing in my ears. But I think that, like, in my head, I'm like, that's just, like, regular headphones. Yeah.
No, no, no. It's different. There's like microphones. It's like pumping audio. Yeah, I just don't like clairvoyance because why would I want to hear outside louder? I'm putting on my headphones to turn off the world. So like when I was talking and walking with you, I had my headphones on, music playing, but I could hear every single word you were saying outside.
Okay, when I was walking with you and I had my headphones on and you were talking to me, I was ignoring you because I had my headphones on. I just have a dopamine addiction is really what it is. Like I need to have two things going into my ear at the same time. Three, conversation, world, and music. I will say I sat in the car on the way to set the other day and they just had the like radio playing and I didn't put headphones on and I just sat there listening to the radio and I couldn't believe it. I was like, this is the first time in so long I've done this. Sat in the radio and it's okay. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
I don't know. Oh, the songs on the radio are okay. Yeah.
as long as all the radio are okay okay big statement there yeah like they're okay no they ate no they did not though also okay we need to talk about this past halloween what happened last year our our takeaway from halloween was it was some of the worst ig posts and some of the weirdest things we've ever seen she's gonna have that damn jewel on her hand one thing that's what your halloween costume should be i should be a big jewel
Never mind. I'll get into that later. I'll let you finish. But I was going to say never mind. Never mind. There's a thing called old people like claws that I noticed that old people have claws. There's no way it's like called that. No, I call it that. But like their thumb, like I guess the muscle in their hand just kind of deteriorates. So their thumb rests here instead of here. And how many old people hands have you looked at? All of them. Yeah.
But like they'll rest their hand like this and it's just like it's so cute to me. That's how you rest your hand. Yeah.
But everybody's Halloween costume this year was so good and I don't really understand. Like, was that like a collective decision for everybody to go in? Wait, you said so good? Yeah, everybody's costume. Like, my whole timeline on TikTok was like costume after costume. Well, I said a trend. I said a trend. Oh, okay. Wow. Yeah, people are just following in the footsteps of the leader. Wait, how did you start that? Just by throwing good costumes. With grandpa eating paints? People just saw me and wanted to be me, period. Yeah.
No, but I agree. Everyone's costumes were so good. Like, I am literally, like, jaw dropped at Quinn's, like... Grace Jones? Yeah, Grace Jones costume. I know, and it's not even Halloween yet, but what are the bitches going to post on Halloween? Y'all already posted everything. I'm going to go on people's IDs and go back to their posts that they posted on Halloween weekend and be like, hello, where's the next one? Where's the real costume? Waiting. Waiting. Winning. Winning.
No. That was crazy. That arrow was fucking crazy. He was so real. Yeah, no, he ate. Look back at all this shit he was saying. Actually, I'm not going to co-sign that because I don't know what he was saying. Yeah, like, you have no idea what he was up to. We were like seven. Some things he was eating. I just like his, the one that's like popular on TikTok where it's like, any drugs, any drugs in the house? Yeah, there's drugs in the house. No, there's not. Go find them. I did them. No, I didn't. Okay, well.
I'm going to tell the taxi driver story. The evil, evil, evil, wicked taxi driver.
Why are you calling it a taxi driver? Because I got a taxi. In San Fran, you got a taxi? No, no, no, no. In L.A. In L.A., you got a taxi? I know. Listen. So I land in L.A. and my bag is the first one. No, no, I didn't. No, my bag was the first one off here. But I land in L.A. I'm like not in a rush. I'm kind of just vibing. I just want to get home. Did you land late? No, I landed like in the middle of the day. But...
I like if you know anything about LA like going there flying to LAX is legitimately the worst place ever if you don't have a ride to pick you up because you have to ride a fucking shuttle and then you have to ride that fucking shuttle to your Uber and it's like just hell because they pack you in like it's just it's not chill such an elongated process after like what is usually already such a long flight yeah and it's just like so so so so so annoying um
but so, but you have the option if you want to call like an Uber select or whatever the fuck it's called. Um, and they'll come pick you up just right there, but it's typically $60 more. And like, I,
I almost – every time I travel, I work that into my budget. It's like, okay, when I get home, I'm going to have to pay fucking 60 more extra dollars to get an Uber Black because I refuse to go there. But this time I was like, okay, that is just like genuinely the biggest waste of money ever. Yeah, it's a scam. And I refuse to do it because –
Yeah, it's just so fucking annoying. So I'm like, I'm just going to do the UberX thing. And I get there. And when I get there, there's legitimately 2,000 people. Like, it was a safety fucking hazard. Like, it was like mosh pit, like mobbing, like not fucking chill. Legitimately 2,000 people. Like, it was crazy. It was fucking crazy. Like, we've gone so far with vocabulary. No, like, whenever... When I learned the word literally, it has...
become the most used word in my vocabulary like whoever your vocabulary is like I fucking hate you fucking hate you But I get to the LA exit There's a thousand people like it was kind of actually dangerous like I felt like there was gonna be like a crowd crush event or something like it was not chill and like I call my uber and wait like 10 minutes he never fucking comes and so I call another one and then it cancels on me and
And then the fee goes up $20 and I'm like, oh, fucking cool. I should have just got an Uber Select up there. And then I'm just like, fuck Uber. Like I'm taking a stance against Uber. I hope Uber fails as a company. So I'm like, I'm going to support the taxis. So because there's a taxi line and I get in the taxi line. The only person in LA who's ever been like, I'm a taxi.
Yeah, literally. I didn't even know they had taxis in LA. That's why I'm so confused. Yeah, they're there. And I get into my... I'm in the line. It goes by very quickly. I'm like, oh, per, I should have just did this from the fucking beginning. Cool. I get in the car. And last time I took a taxi from LA exit, the guy randomly halfway through my ride just, like, added $30 to my ride. And I just didn't get out of the car until he took it off because I was like, I watched you add that fucking money there, bitch. Like, new. Um...
So I was like very vigilant. Anytime I have to imagine you interacting with a stranger in that way, like I can't imagine it. No, it's crazy. So I get to the car and an older gentleman, I'm like, oh, he's like cute. Like this is a sweet vibe, like cute.
immediately the meanest person I've ever interacted with in my entire fucking life like immediately aggro like he like I get my bags and like he opens swings the gate thing open and he's like rolling his eyes and I pick up my bags and he's like oh you don't think I couldn't do it and I was like oh my god no I just was being nice and he was like and I put it down and he's like no do it and I'm like oh my fucking god like this is so crazy already but I was laughing I was like having fun you were you were
were in a toxic relationship with him. No, it was crazy. I was like, he's like gaslighting you. He's like, oh, wow, you think I'm weak? No, do it. Do it. Yeah. No, I don't want to do it. No. Exactly. I was like being attacked. And so I get in the car and I get in the seat behind him because I'm like, oh, that's where the payment station is. Like whatever. And like he opens my door really like, like really hard. And he's like, what are you doing? And I was like,
nothing and he's like scoot over and I'm like okay damn like what and so as I'm scooting over okay if I was there I wouldn't have let him talk to me no I didn't like that's the thing I took up for myself I took up for myself finally and so I'm like I'm like he's already been so mean to me so I'm just like under my breath like at him I'm like Jesus fucking Christ so I like rip rip my like duffel bag out of the bag and he's like whoa whoa whoa whoa what are you doing what are you doing and I'm like
I'm grabbing my bag and like I guess he thought I was gonna fucking like grab a gun out of my bag and kill him or something and then I was like he was like go sit in the passenger seat and I was like what he made you sit next to him no no he meant in the back like the passenger seat in the back he was like he's like what are you doing get to the front he wants to put his hand on your thigh while he drives you home actually and so I um uh what's it called what's it called what's it called oh he's like that's what that's there for you don't sit behind me you sit there and I was like
this is crazy so i'm just like already in a bad mood and i have my headphones on so like this is a long fucking story but i'm gonna like end it after this but i have my headphones on and i have clairvoyance mode on and he's like talking to me and i'm talking to him and then he looks in the rear view mirror uh mirror and i just like see him look up at it and like i see a scowl on his face like he's angry and he's like what the fuck are those on your head says the f word and i'm like
I'm like, "Excuse me?" And he's like, "What are those things on your head? What even is that?" And I was like, "They're headphones. I'm listening to music." And he's like, "Well, it makes it really, really difficult for me to talk to you." And I was like,
I was like, we're not talking. I don't want to talk to you. Why are you yelling at me right now? And then he rolls down all of the fucking windows. Yes, he like came back at me. Oh, he was like, oh, I know how to turn this bitch up right now. He rolled down all of the windows in the car on the fucking freeway. And it was the loudest environment I've ever been in in my life. Like, it was awful. It was such a bad fucking vibe. And I was just like, you know what? I'm not even going to say a word. The seatbelts and all the empty seats. Like...
Like literally in like semi trucks blasting by and just like he would slow down. So the engines were like going through my window and like deafening me. You might have gotten a ride from the most evil man on the planet. It was crazy. A lot more shit happened in the ride. And then I started recording because I was like, oh, if I'm telling this story, like I'm going to have to have evidence because this is fucking crazy.
Every time I recorded, nothing bad happened. It was just like the engines of cars and it was just loud wind. It was like the worst sound ever. But we get close to the house and when I got in the car, he was like, where are you going? And I was like, I said the address to our house and he was like, no, what area are you going to? And I was like, and I said, what area we live in?
And he was like, what are the cross streets? And I was like, I don't know. Just go towards two streets by our house. And I can't stand taxi drivers and Ubers who don't use the fucking Google Maps. Literally use your iPhone. It's not the 1920s. You are not pushing this car with your fucking feet like the Flintstones. Like, I know you don't use your goddamn car play because you I know you got a car
play it was it was so fucking absurd and so we get close by the house and i'm like oh like i i'll tell you like where to go from here and like i thought things were cool and he took offense he took he was so offended by it and he was like why don't you just tell me the streets do you you don't think i know where i am this is literally my dad yeah without fail anytime i've driven my dad i can have the directions on my phone on car play and i will know exactly where we're going and he will give me step-by-step directions to
the whole way. It's a man thing. He also gives me wrong directions all the time. It's a man thing. My dad gives me wrong directions all the time and then he's like, oh, they must have changed the street and I'm like, no, you just don't know. It's literally, it is fully a man thing because like whenever like anybody tells me how to drive, like,
my blood but I'll be in the fucking backseat backseat driving like oh like watch out for that car no you won't because you'll just be on TikTok and scrolling TikTok I'd be on iPhone and car like I treat it like my fucking bed it's a car and it's like getting into new iPhone yeah it's it's a problem but anyways we go close by the house and I tell him I was like I don't know the streets that I live on like because I don't I just know the area I live in although this
a person from JFK called me. He lands at JFK. I'm in Chinatown. Drew calls me and asked me how to go. I literally was so shocked. I was like,
Well, they fucked it up. They put like, you have to take, okay, listen to this. At JFK, you have to get on a fucking shuttle to get on a train to get in a car. We need to get you on the public transportation committee now. No, literally, in a span of 15 minutes, you're on an airplane, a car, a bus, and a fucking train. It should be your technological dream. That's insane. That's insane. Just let me call the fucking car to the gate. But yeah, that makes sense that this person doesn't know the cross streets we live on because he called me.
me to call an Uber. I was like,
I was like, how am I even supposed to help this motherfucker right now? Like, no terminal, no nothing. I was like, what terminal are you at? And you're like, I just got off the plane. I was like so asleep on that flight. I was still asleep when I called y'all. Okay, so you say you don't know the cross streets. Yeah. I'm expecting the story to end with him hitting you or something. Basically, he looks at me. This is like the climax of the story. He looks at me in the rear view mirror and he's like, what are you, stupid or something? You don't know what streets you live on? And I was like gagged. I was like...
Okay, honestly, like, respect. Because, like, I should know the streets I live on, but, like, don't call me stupid. Like, this is crazy. So I, like, get behind him and I grab the seatbelt and I choke him out and I kill him. Like, I kill him right there. Like, when you started, I was like...
No, no, no, no. So I just like, I'm like, no, I don't know the streets I live on. You should have fucking farted in his car. No, I was like... You should have pissed in his car. I sound like I'm being innocent, but I was like beefing right back to him to the point where I think he like respected it a little bit because like he was like, oh, we're like, we're beefing. Like, I think it was like a fun thing for him to like yell at me. And I was kind of getting off on it too. Like we were kind of like...
We were kind of like perving on each other in a weird way. But anyways, we like get to the house and he's like, where do you want to be parked? And like I have video of this, but like I'm being aggro in it too. Back to him and I don't want to put that into the world. So I can't show this. Yeah, exactly. And so I'm just like pull over here. And he pulls over and he's like talking. I'm like, okay, how do I pay? I have cash, card. Like what do you want? And he was like, I was like, what's easier for you? And he was like,
we do card and I was like you don't want cash and he was like no I want to do card and I was like okay why did you tell me you can do cash if you want to do a card anyways so I do the card and he's yelling at me through the whole process of me doing the card like I can't fucking read the tiny little fucking stupid geriatric like literally literally and so you know what I did I killed him with kindness and I tipped him $20 at the end of the ride no no no no no listen listen listen listen
When I got out of the car, he like was almost teary eyed. Like he was like profusely thinking with me. He was like, oh my gosh, like, thank you so much. Like what the hell? Like it was it was the weirdest switch up I've ever seen in my life. And I left like on my high horse because I was like, bitch. Yeah. Like, fuck you. Like I win. Fuck you. I let you yell at me for 40 minutes and I gave you money for it. So that was like my evil Uber story. And.
He probably died of a heart attack three days later because I swear to God he was 98 years old. Like, he had no business driving. He was using his last soul, like, last moments to yell at you. That's what I think. Like, I think he was, like, going through this thing where he's like, I need to experience all emotions again before I die. And he just wanted to yell at someone.
And I was just the unlucky. And what's crazy is he would have done this to a girl because a girl was supposed to get in his car. And this is where I was like, oh, he's like in a bad fucking mood because a girl walked up to him and was like, oh, I'm actually going to get in this car. And he like threw his arms up and was like, he kept doing this old man grunt through the whole thing. He was like,
like the whole time like anytime i would body him he'd be like um and i'm like okay oh my god i low-key need him like wait we need to meet no he was fine like he was literally fine that's why he said y'all were perfect yeah also i'm gonna address it right now
Drew is straight, okay? Like, everybody keeps talking about it. Like, Drew is straight. Like, go back on his IG. He's always like, Beyonce is sexy. Lady Gaga is sexy. Lana Del Rey is sexy. Lorde is so cute. Like, Drew goes in. Like, Drew knows an attractive woman when he sees it. I love a body. Yeah, and he, like, he understands, like, women deserve the right to make art and be sexy at the same time. Like, he is straight. Actually, no. Women should be in the kitchen, but...
Okay, yeah. But I mean, like, honestly, that adds to the straightness. Exactly. And at most, maybe, maybe a little bi. Maybe, maybe. That's just like if you get caught slipping. Never, ever that. Okay, never mind. Never, never that. Okay.
Never, though. Never. No. It's only Poonanny. Oh, whoa. Okay, so Orion needed a camera from your room, so I was helping her look for a camera in your room.
And he has 25 fucking cameras and that wasn't even all of them. I counted 25 fucking cameras. You have a problem. You literally have an issue. So women making art and expressing themselves problem. Yeah, that's a problem. The thing is, is you use maybe two of those cameras.
Yeah, I've been collecting them for years. I'm a collecting woman. No, when I saw them gathering, when I saw them, me and Orion were like crying, laughing. We were like, why does she have this many cameras? This is crazy. Well, to be fair, like I when I lived at home, hold on, I have to fix this.
When I lived back at home, I started collecting cameras. So I've been gifted a lot of those by multiple lovers and people who admire my body. Not me. Yeah, because you don't admire me anymore. It's like the Madonna whore complex now. I'm like a mother to you. Used and left behind. But yeah, whatever. Oh, boo, I have a problem. I have a problem. And guess what? After this, I'm going to go buy a t-shirt. And what are you going to do about it? Shopping is just like... It gives me...
Actually, recently it hasn't been giving me anything. Like, it literally is, like, so unsatisfying and it's really sad. You know what would be fun for you? But that happens every year, so I'll be back. I'll be back in springtime and I'll be right back to that shopping addiction. What happened? I was going to say, what would be fun for you since you don't like shopping is saving money. Oh, wow. It doesn't sound like a sweet tasting. Rainy day fund or something. No, I mean, it never rains in Southern California.
Oh, while I was looking for cameras, I found your journals and looked through all of them and read everything. What the hell? I read everything. Okay. And did you like what you saw? Yeah. Wow. Should I publish them? No. Oh, okay. Then it seems like you didn't like it. I cannot believe I forgot about this. Me getting food poisoning before my fucking flight.
Drew's had a really good health week. Yeah, no. I got food poisoning and then blood fucking... Well, that's also what happens when you don't leave the fucking house, bitch. Like, this motherfucker doesn't leave the house for, like, months at a time. And then when he leaves it, everything goes wrong because you're, like, stacking up your outside living style karma. And then you have to get it all in one week because the universe knows that you're not going to, like, come back out after you go back home. Oppenheimer. Ooh, the way you... Never mind. But...
You know what I realized? No. Okay. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. This is crazy. Actually, this is... I don't want to talk. Your touch makes me... Tingle. Disgust. Your touch appalls me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Listen, listen, listen. What is that from? It's fucking Tyler, the creator. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. Me when no one's listening.
What was I fucking saying? Oh, you know what I think? I got food poisoning. Ow! Oh my god. Set the hell up. Let me talk. Let me talk. Let me talk to you. Okay, where'd you get food poisoning? Because I know it's about to be some nasty shit. So...
What I originally thought... $20 bet that he got the food poisoning from exactly where you would think you'd get food poisoning. Okay. It's a curveball. So I thought... I went to see... What is that movie? Killer of the Flowers and Moons or whatever. How was that? It was pretty good. Okay. Like really fucking long and like...
I can't stand a long movie. Objectively a decent movie. They gotta start showing movies in double speed. Like actually, they need an option. There should be a button. Everybody in their seats can vote. Or a separate theater for brain-rotted people. Because it was three and a half hours. Okay, so before...
Before the movie, I was like saving my stomach all day because I was like, oh, I'm going to eat like 18 hot dogs, like a bag of popcorn, a big fucking soda. Like, dude, I'm going to wild the fuck out because movie hot dogs. I swear to God. The food pyramid is a scam because Drew's alive. AMC put their whole show. AMC put her whole fucking pussy in those hot dogs. I swear to God, because like they taste so good.
So good. I will say they are so yum. I had a few of them. A few? And one of them was like crusty. Like you know when you cook a hot dog too long and it's like wrinkly and dry? I ate it anyways. It tastes fine, but just like the texture was nasty, Boots.
And I think I thought it was that because I came home and like six hours later, like my stomach was churning, like worst nausea of my life. I won't go into too much detail, but I was shitting and vomiting at the exact same time. Like that level of like, I won't go into too much detail, but I was spraying shit out my butt. You know what? I got lucky, though, because I bought baby wipes before from H Mart. So I didn't have like a bloody butthole.
A bloody butthole. But I... What the fuck did I say? Yeah.
Oh, I like was vomiting all night long, shitting all night long. And my flight was I had to wake up at 350 in the morning. And an hour before I started throwing up, I booked my seat to be a window seat. So the entire flight, I had to tap the person next to me and asked him to get up so I could go shit. And it was terrible. I thought about it a couple of times. He smelled bad and he was mean, too. He was like, you don't belong here. I was like, oh, my God. Like, what the hell? Yeah.
But you know what I realized where I think I got the food poisoning from? What? Remember after the Berkeley show when I drank sink water and I read a sign that said it's non-potable water, which means it's like not treated water. Yeah. So I was just drinking like untreated water and probably drank a brain-eating amoeba. People might think that this is a character he plays, but I am not kidding. This person, I don't know how, when you like had to meet us here, I was like, I don't know if he'll make it. Like, I don't know.
if he'll make it from Manhattan to Chinatown without being kidnapped and like sold on Teemu like I don't know what's gonna happen to it we got Drew on Teemu
Yo, they have Drew on T-Move. But like, I don't understand how this person makes it. After the Berkeley show, there's water. It's a school campus. There are water fountains. But Drew was in such a panic state to get water. He ran into the bathroom and drank a bunch of tap water out of the sink. And then he came out and he like he was too embarrassed to empty the bottle he filled with tap water.
into the fountain and get regular water so he just let his stomach sit on unfiltered water and i know you didn't drink any more water for the rest of the day i didn't i didn't no i didn't it was really one of the worst decisions i ever made and i still do it i didn't learn my lesson i will drink like if i go to the bathroom at a restaurant like i'll just drink a handful of that one they give you free water like they give it to you you just have to ask but it's so cold like it hurts my teeth
It's too cold. It hurts my belly. Like it does. I hate... And I'm too nervous to ask for no ice because it's like weird. But I think in my head, like the free water they give me is just out of the sink anyways. Like it's all from the same thing. I guess, yeah, depending on where you go. Um...
But yeah, so I think I got my food poisoning from the sink from Berkeley campus. Berkeley, count your fucking days, bitch. I still win $20 because you got it exactly where you would think you'd get a stomach virus. Yeah, true. So give me, Apple cash me right now. Really? Go on, hurry up. You're moving too slow. Should be quicker. I don't even know where your phone number is. Just make it 25. Really? Oh my God, are you actually sending me money right now?
Are you sure you want this? Yeah, I mean like I would love $20. 20. All right. Sent. I made a bet with somebody behind your back the second I met them. I made a bet about you behind your back. What?
Wait, who? When we were all shopping, I had said to Max, I was like, I was like, what are the, I was like, I would put $20 down that he's going to go into that store, find something he really likes, look at the price tag and be like, that's just ridiculous. And leave. And leave.
no matter how bad he likes it he's gonna be like that's i could find that and then he never looks for it and i don't need it i that's one thing about me is i don't need it i don't need it i am in such need for a hit you know what it is you get all your dopamine hits from your iphone 14 hours on my phone a day let's see that screen time i guess it's
been probably low because you're here no i got a notification last night um that said 10 hours and 41 minutes and i was like in my head i was like damn i'm like killing it like oh no no oh my god yeah yesterday was 10 how the fuck was it 10 hours i had to have fell fallen asleep with that
That's crazy. You're literally in New York with your parents, like, going on, like, tourist attractions, walking around, and you're still making that. One thing about Drew is he's going to dedicate his time. He's going to get that screen time. No, no, no. That cannot be real. It says 15 hours and 31 minutes. What?
There's no way. On one day October 20th. You know what's crazy? This is real. Because that means you got home from Berkeley. Damn, you tunneled in. I was tapped in. Oh, you spent six hours and 40 minutes on TikTok that day. Stop looking at my shit. Stop looking at my shit. Look at the way your legs are twisted up right now, bitch. Good, wait, I want to see mine. Um...
Oh my god, Drew, you actually sent me money. That's funny. Thanks. I was gonna talk about, but we're like pretty much over with this episode. Yeah, you are pretty much over, sis. Wow. I was gonna talk about this time. I'll just look forward to it next week because it's a fucking doozy. Make sure you guys come back next week, you know what I mean?
My mom took me and my sister for our kindergarten-aged birthday to a George Strait concert, and it was awful. It was so bad. We got robbed. A tornado hit us. My mom got pulled over four times on the way home. She lost her phone, and we got lost for eight hours. It's hell on earth. Oh, wait. Go back. Hold on. No, you're tripping. Because what is that?
Oh, not much better than me. Nine hours. And then the next day, the next day. Okay. Nine hours. Wow. Okay. But like, how about this? My average on a week? Three minutes. My average is like seven hours, six hours. Yeah. Why is this one only an hour on October 8th to 15th? Yeah. Where were you? Why don't you have your phone for five days? I don't know. This actually makes no sense.
you're on google reddit google wait this actually makes no sense what happened to my iphone yeah i just like sometimes i just tap into real life it literally says like two minutes yeah hello yeah it's dude it's because i was dedicating all my time to hitting my jewel yeah literally you were sucking that jewel down um
Okay, one last thing before we go. No, this one isn't new. Sorry, we had a hater off screen in our live audience saying it's because this is a new iPhone, but this isn't a new iPhone. This is the iPhone I've had for over a year. And you bought a new phone and then left for two weeks, and it's just there. It's like the most deranged thing I've ever seen. Okay, well, it's because I have to post on Instagram.com, and I was going to be out of town, and guess what? I don't even post on Instagram.com because I'm so tapped into my real life, and I don't use my phone. How about that? Maybe a thought about that. Yeah, did y'all think about that? Well, that's...
That phone is for sending nudes to you. Yeah, and you got two iPhones. And we've been together like all the time, so I don't have to use it yet. That's true. That's true. Okay, this is the last thing I'll say and then we'll get into media. Stop deleting your notes, bitch. Oh, God, that scared the fuck out of me. Why did that happen? Drew doesn't know how to use his phone. For someone who uses it as much as he does, he does not know how to use it. No, it's the new iOS. He was trying to screenplay something.
He's trying to screenplay something and it's like he forgot you have to swipe up on your phone because he literally... Also, the way he holds it makes it crazy. He was literally like this. He was like, how do you do this? Because I'm screenplaying and it's not working. And he's like... Yeah, like that's how I do it. So yeah, something's wrong with Drew. Okay, this is the last thing I'll say, but your eye cream is low-key just hemorrhoid cream. My eye cream? Sis, I don't use eye cream. So jokes on you. All eye cream is just repackaged hemorrhoid cream. Like the shit you put on your eyes...
Because that's supposed to, like, do something to your blood vessels. And when you put eye cream under it, it does something to your blood vessels. Oh, it's to, like, shrink your blood, like, the blood flow to the vessels? Yeah, so you get rid of the bag. So, it's just hemorrhoid cream. So, what's crazy is I have this thing where, like, God chose me to have, like, the perfect under eyes. And I don't put makeup on there and I don't put cream on there because I just look so gorgeous naturally. I love under eye bags. I think they're so cute. Yeah, they're very cunty. I wish I had them. I, like, tried to, like, not sleep for a long time to get eye bags. Everybody wants...
What they don't have. I know. Me with straight hair. Is love what you have. Me with straight people. No, but you have that. Oh, no. It's because you have that and you want the other side of it. Exactly. Exactly. Right. Okay. Media. Why am I sitting like this? This looks like crazy. Oh, look at my Halloween costume for next year. You planning for next year? Oh,
Isn't that crazy? That's pretty good. Like me in it. I mean, it depends on like if anybody gives a fuck about us next year, but if they do, if y'all still give a fuck, that's going to be good. If y'all still care. Okay, I'll just do Drew's side up corner. These, I'm not going to lie. Oh my God, that would be so good. We're going to bleep this. F***.
That would be fucking lit. Yeah, that would be good. That would be so fire. It's my podcast chair. I'm going to be my podcast chair for Halloween next year. But, okay, these ones are, like, are so diabolically mid. Like, I, like, don't like them at all, but whatever. I have two. Oh, really? Yeah. Tap in. Should I go? No, you start it. It's yours. Anxiety is so fucking embarrassing. Like, oh, no, what if something happens? Like, come on, Jesus Christ. Yeah.
I was supposed to like deliver it like oh no like but no I'm over it okay people I'm over it people um a haunted house but it's just filled with guys saying that they swear they can change for you well um despite the horrors of life there will always be a phone to look at in bed
That one's just raw and real. Yeah, that one's really good. Is there a way to be gay without being a part of the LGBT? And that's all of them. Like, these suck, didn't they? Well, yeah, mine kind of suck. Girl, just shit on him. If you're mad at him, just shit on him. You will have plenty of chances to shit on him. Just do it. And then I don't trust people who stink at the pool or beach. Yeah.
stinking at the beach is crazy like how do you stink in a pool of Clorox in a pool of chlorine like damn bitch you are really pushing through perseverance honestly so maybe it's something that's good about you literally that well media of the week is I'm not giving it to you so suck my fucking balls oh interface occupied by sugars um
S-C-H-N-E-E-R-E-G-E-N. Okay, me when I'm saying my password. I don't know how to say that word. Let me see. Mayskill? Oh, yeah, I guess Maxel? No, no, no, the S word. Oh, I can't say that. Yeah. I don't know how to say that. Always calm. And this one's embarrassing. I love Destroy Lonely.
Like if looks could kill I could be the fashion demon walking. I've never heard this song, bro. Oh, okay. I can't handle that. I'm just opium pilled. Yeah, you're just like you're open. Open or opium. Well, mine is...
Venus as a Boy but the Dream Mix Smoking Gun Magnolia Shawty and Shawty Bay Coming to a City Near You and I've still just been listening to a lot of Hall and Oates like it's really bad Coco Rosie too
I finally finished The Sopranos. I finally finished it. What? I finally finished it. I finished it yesterday. That's crazy. So insane. I'll insert a clip of me, maybe my reaction to it. And if you finished it, you will know. And if you haven't, you still won't know. But you will maybe one day understand. But...
I literally didn't want to finish it. Yeah, I did cry. I didn't want to finish it because I have become so connected to all those characters. I literally love everybody in that so much. But now I get to star Nurse Jackie. So I'm really excited about it. Yes, I'm watching that with you. Yeah, because I didn't want to star Nurse Jackie because I didn't want to be watching two shows with an actress playing two different roles because I didn't want to...
I don't fucking know. Be like, oh my God, what the fuck is Carmela doing right now? But very exciting. And yeah, I love the Sopranes. And I'm really sad it's over. Yeah, I watched Killers of the Flower Moon or whatever the fucking title of that movie is called. You watched Talk to Her. Yeah. Talk to the Hand. Grab my hand.
Take my hand. All right. Well, thank you guys so much for watching. Shout out to Stray Rats for letting us use the space. Beautiful, beautiful space. Oh, my God. Wait. Collab coming soon or no? Wait. Yes or no? Probably no. I don't know. I don't know if we're important enough, but we'll see. All right. Peace and love and unity and respect.