Drew finally pooped
01:08:21 Share

Shit! I finally shit! I shit out of my ass y'all! It was fucking brutal!

- Guys, no more worries, no more comments suggesting fiber and water. Y'all were, although coming from the right place, it was very much giving. Why don't you just smile? - Yeah, drink more water and smile and you won't be depressed. - They're like, wait, just like eat a green and then she'll like get it moving. - Drew, you do look a lot prettier when you smile. - Actually, no, don't do that. That's my thing. You don't get to hit him. - Oh, it's a sexual thing for you guys. - You don't get to hit him. - Sorry.

Did the shit just fall? Yeah, guys, I finally shit. Well, I shit when I was back in Texas. This was like almost two weeks at this point, like a week. I had 26 days of turds inside of my body, y'all. I don't think you can fully grasp and comprehend how...

horrible that is like of course like a little here and there but like for the most part like legitimately 26 days of shit like inside of me which is just so insane which is like

genuinely ridiculous and I know I know I could have died I know I know I know and who knows maybe I wanted to die full of shit like maybe that was like my plan the whole time wait that's actually so embarrassing because when you die don't you like release everything I don't know but that shit was not releasing that was gonna be stuck inside of me forever bro the poor people at the fucking morgue who would have had to like go

my autopsy and they found out my toxic mega colon is like the cause of death yeah um well 26 days of not shitting um what finally did it was i ordered colonoscopy um prep from my internist and it was on it it was like really easy to get and then when i told him how long it had been since i shit he like kind of did a double take yeah he was like

he was like wait uh how many days and drew like yeah like at that point you had called him when you were like it's like 17 days in and even then he was like oh how are you feeling like it literally felt it was the equivalent of when we went to the personal trainers and the guy took my um heartbeat and he was just like are you okay like what and he was like your heartbeat is so low and i was like

I'm fine. He was like you had coffee or something today. I was like, yeah, I had coffee and a Celsius and he was like, Whoa. Do you feel the way you're incredibly healthy though? That's what it means. Yeah. Having a low resting heart rate is good. I have a resting heart rate of 108 permanently, which is really dark. Your heart rate when you're in bed on your phone is like two. No, it literally are heart rates like my double my heart rate and pass it on to Drew because that's literally what we have going on.

Yeah, and then when I stand up, it spikes to like 140 every time and I almost pass out in the kitchen. I can make it from my bedroom to the kitchen and then I'm like, oh my God, I'm gonna die. I'm actually gonna die. But anyways, 26 days of shit. I weighed myself before and I have a picture of me on the scale. I weighed 157 and...

I typically like on average way, like I fluctuate between like 144 and 148, like typically at 144. Like that's that's like my baseline. I can get to like 138 if I'm like really depressed or some shit. But like 144 is like my base weight. It's the base weight. You're always trying to be in like gain weight above that. How much how much shit was inside of me?

I forgot how many pounds. You went from 157 to 142. So it's like 15 pounds. I had 15 pounds of shit inside of me, y'all. 15 fucking pounds of shit inside of my body. What's crazy is I wonder how much your body wasn't even digesting anything.

anything like it wasn't like taking or i guess it had to have been taking in the nutrients that's the problem that's the problem is it was just like lodged in there so it was just like sucking it dry until it was literally like fucking bricks inside of my body y'all i'm gonna actually i'm not gonna spare the details i'm gonna go all the way in like i drank it around 9 a.m um because i was like i i want to be shitting i don't want to be shitting throughout the night whatever drank it at 9 a.m um

was the most nauseous I've ever been in my entire life. My mom popped into the room because I was just like so sick. And she was like, I literally thought I was gonna have to take you to the hospital because you you were clear. I was like, she was like freaking me out. And I was like, I feel like nauseous, but I don't feel terrible. And she was like, No, you looked horrible. Well, like, no shit, nothing, just like horrible, horrible gut pain all day long until like,

8 p.m and me and my mom were sitting on the couch and she was like i think it's time to go to the er and i was like yeah i think you're right and she i was like let me let me rest for like two more hours and i swear to god at 10 p.m if i don't shit i'll go to the hospital wait you took it at 9 a.m and you still hadn't shit by like 10 p.m yeah it was like all it was all day like it was melting away in my body well

I'm laying in my parents' bed. It's like nine-ish in their room. And I'm just like, we're watching whatever. I'm like on the edge of their bed. And then all of a sudden I'm like, oh my God, it's happening. And I like sprint to the bathroom across the house. And I sit on the toilet. Your water broke? Yes, my water literally broke. I get to the bathroom and I push for about like three seconds. And then TMI, but I'm not kidding, a cannonball hit.

sized shit like this big I'm guessing like shot out of my ass at Mach speeds hit the toilet bowl and exploded into like shrapnel and like I literally was like in so much pain I wish I could describe you the pain I felt in all the way you described it to me and John just wait I'm gonna get there it literally it was fucking horrible like it was the worst pain I'd ever felt in my entire life and

And then right after, like right after I proceeded to become the most euphoric, like what I remember like painkillers feeling like when I was abusing them, like I straight up felt like genuinely euphoric. I felt like God was licking the inside of my skull and my body. Like it was crazy. Like it was fantastic.

So I wish everyone could feel the relief I fucking felt in that moment. And it was like... You felt the joy only felt by somebody like Frankie Grande feels on the day. Exactly, exactly. Frankie Grande on the wicked carpet with that fucking hair, bro. But...

I didn't realize like how much pain I was in day to day. Like it was like in that moment I realized and I started crying because I was like, oh my God, like I was hurting so bad and now I feel so fine. But like just like I guess over time it just like gradually like. Yeah, you like acclimated. Yeah. Every day the pain would build up a little and by the end of the day you were like, this is just my new pain. Yeah, I might have set a fucking world record. But yeah. Have you looked up to see what the longest like somebody's ever been constipated? They're all dead. Yeah.

They're all dead. I went the longest and survived, y'all. Wait, so the colonoscopy prep worked? It worked down. See, this is why people say prep is so important. I don't know if that's like what they mean. No, they mean like prep. Like the drug. Oh, okay. The medication. I'm trying to do the work. Yeah. Respect, respect. You're learning something. Thanks. Slowly but surely. I shit. I proceeded to shit.

All day or the rest of the night into the night woke up the next day was supposed to get on a flight canceled that bitch because I was like I cannot get on a flight. Oh bitch if I got on a flight and you were sitting next to me and like getting up all the time I bet you started to smell like shit. Yeah no I probably did. It was coming out of my pores like it was straight up was horrible. Well no the thing the way you described it to me and Josh was you said it felt like a foam football coming out of your blood. No that was the shit that I had here. Oh here. I'm regular now and

I hadn't shit for like four days after that and I was getting worried and then a foam football shot out of my ass. But... And then I was like, oh wait, I'm regular for it and it looked healthy. Me and Josh were saying like it is so jarring how like...

Most people just poop and you get it over with. I am blessed with a body that just does its job and I poop all the fucking time. So there's not really much to describe. It's every few months where I'm like, oh my God, this is a describable moment. I must tell the world. The world being running to your room and telling you about it or saying it in the group chat. But you, since pooping is such a miraculous thing,

It's a event for you. Yeah, it's literally it is the equivalent to climbers who finally get to the top of Mount Everest. Your descriptors are so insanely detailed that I can think of multiple poops you've had. Like they will live on my mind like memory. And I describe them like perfectly. That's the craziest thing. And I sit there and I'm like, that was a foam football coming out of my ass. Or that was like a softball shooting out at Mach. You say it's a chicken nugget, but you describe which thing.

fast food chain the chicken nugget came from. That is not real. Every advertiser just bailing on the show. That is not real, Drew. That is real. Shit water for straight up. Like, I'm not kidding. Like seven seconds. I mean, I believe you because when Drew came back from Texas, every time we would be talking, he was like, hold on, I have to fart. So I'm going to go to the bathroom. And he would run to the bathroom to make sure he didn't shit his pants. Oh my God.

No, I can't. Like, I seriously can't. As much as we talk about poop and stuff, like, it literally, like, I don't. Like, I really am not down with the scat shit like y'all. Is scat the thing? Like, when people like poop? Yeah. That's like your vibe. That is my vibe. We're, like, we're low-key serving the scat people right now. Well, after I shit, I sent a picture to Kaia of my back, and I had welts all over my body. Oh, I thought you were going to say you had shit shot up your back.

I exploded out of my diaper. There's like a soundboard on here. We could load that up. We should load it up with your poop sounds. Yeah, man. That is amazing. It was iconic. It truly was genuinely like...

what I imagine like an opium den for three days feels like like I for real felt like like I was I had the zoomies after like I was running around the house like I didn't know I couldn't run like I didn't know I wasn't like performing well at the gym like you're feeling the beauty of giving birth no exactly that's genuinely in the moment I was like oh my god I just gave birth to like a seven pound baby have you experienced any postpartum depression

uh yes i miss i miss being pregnant with 15 pounds of shit i miss being able to talk about it because i won't be able to talk about it now you have nothing to complain now drew's new complaint is like i just feel like shit like it's just literally like just starting to be like my body i just feel my body but i love basketball like at least oh my god i was watching a movie last night and i i like

Josh and Drew were hidden in their room. I was sitting on the couch watching a movie and I paused for a second to look at my phone for my interlude. It's kind of like at the opera when they let you go out and breathe a fresh breath of air. Yeah, you can't finish a whole movie without looking at your phone. Without looking at my phone. Like I simply must. So I paused and when I paused is exactly when I heard Drew stop talking and I hadn't heard Drew alive all day. He was in his room all day. And the only thing I heard was...

I just love basketball. Like that was all I heard was just like the whole time. It was like, like them talking back and forth. And Josh wasn't really saying much. He was like, Oh, what? Like, that's crazy. And like, Drew is doing the thing where he just like starts shooting facts at you. Um, and then he goes, Oh,

I don't know. I just love basketball. And then I heard his door close. I really do. It's like my lifeline. I truly think it's the only reason why I'm alive. And I got compared to Reed Shepard on my Drew's Lookalikes account. I don't know who that is. He's just a rookie for the Rockets this year. He would be a rookie.

Yeah, no, period. But everyone was saying this is what Inya saw in Drew. If you want to see him. Oh, I saw that. Yeah, I didn't think he really looked like me that much. You were a baddie. He's the safest rookie. I was a baddie. No, now you're hot. You were a baddie, now you're hot. We talk about this all the time. Drew will randomly just be like, I'm ugly. And then I get offended because I've multiple times told Drew that if I saw him, like my vibe of Drew is...

is if I didn't know Drew and I was at a party and he came into the group, I would try to make him laugh for his attention, but I would never pursue. Yeah. But that's, I think, the highest form of compliment. Yeah. It's like, you're too hot. I don't really want to be involved with you. Trisha called us models. I know. And I'm not kidding. I looked in the mirror after I heard that clip and I was like, wow, I am pretty. But I'm hot in the mirror, but in real life and in photos, I'm really scary. That's not true. You guys are hot. I wouldn't work on this podcast if you guys were ugly. Straight up. Honestly, I...

I agree. I agree. I literally agree. Like, I can't say that. How is it that loud? We've been trying to fix it and now it's louder. No, it's louder. Also, our heater, I turned it on yesterday and it was buzzing really loud. And I was like, oh, my God, all of my fears of the house exploding are going to come to fruition. So I turned it off and I just suffered in the freezing cold. Our house is fucking free. It is constantly freezing.

without fail 66 degrees in the house at every waking fucking moment. The first thing Enya says when she wakes up every morning, she walks out her door and she's like, oh, it's so cold without fail every single time. Because every morning it shocks me because I got a heated blanket which has genuinely changed my life.

I like sleeping in your bed. I'm obsessed with the heated blanket. I am still fearful that it's going to cook me in my sleep. But I found out this morning that it turns off automatically after three hours. So that's good. But then I wake up freezing. You're going to get those skin veins. I honestly don't give a fuck. I'll just get permanent airbrushing on my legs. I was thinking about that the other day. I have no plans on ever getting surgeries, especially in my younger years. I'm untouched, okay? Right.

Yeah, and he's untouched. You both have gotten so much work done. I know. It's irresponsible to say this to people. I just can't stop getting work done.

I just can't stop. I just can't stop coming. I don't think people know that reference, but I say it all the fucking time. I've said it multiple times on a stage in front of a bunch of college students. What we're referencing when we say, I just can't stop coming, is about five years ago, Nikocado Avocado posted an IG story promoting his OnlyFans where he scribbled out...

maybe 40% of it. And you could fully see his like wiener on hard coming. And he literally just like, was like, I just can't stop coming. I don't know. It's just like, it's the funniest thing. It's the craziest thing ever. It, you know what it is. It's the first time I've heard a man say something like, like that's equivalent to like what they have cam girls saying. Like it's such a chatterbait ass ad of like, I just can't stop coming. Um,

But fuck, what was I going to say? Oh, yeah. I haven't gotten any work done yet. That is what I want to preface. Yet. Trust and believe the second I turn 50, I'm going fucking banana. And the work is going to be so goaded. I know. By then, it's going to be unseen. Y'all are going to have to like, I mean, to be fair, by 50, I quite literally don't think anybody will give a single fuck about me. Also, the world will be on fire. Yeah, we won't make it that far.

with climate change and everything so whatever but if we do I will be getting surgery and there will maybe be like one or two of you who remembers that I exist and you'll go through and find my IG where I'm getting like one like and a comment from a family member and

And it's just me looking exactly like this still. It's like the Christina Aguilera thing. That shit is crazy. It's very creepy. It is very, very weird. She's respecting the substance, babe. She's respecting the balance. The thing is, I don't know if I want to go that crazy. Like, I don't know if I want to go that crazy. Like, I don't want to look 25. I just want to look 50, but come on. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I would never touch my body. No one else would either. It's not true. Hey, guys. We want to take a moment for one of today's sponsors, ZocDoc. Listen, it is runny nose, dry throat season. Do not get me. Yeah, I know that throat is dry. Throat. Do not get me sick. Go to the doctor. If you are starting to feel any symptoms of being sick and you, by all

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Thank you.

Drew, what's crazy is you're wearing that poop hat and I almost didn't realize it because it just looks like your hair. Oh, yeah. Because it looks like shit. Well, I got a shock collar. Oh, is that because we were talking about that? Wait, does it vibrate or shock? Vibrates and shocks. And I thought we could try it for the first time on here. But I felt it shock my finger and I think it actually might stop my brain and heart. Okay, I don't know. But if it could be for a dog. It's kind of like cunt. You should put on your nuts after.

Huh? What? I didn't say anything. All right. Wait, be careful because it's on. Or maybe it's not. But I'm so scared. I don't know if I can do this, actually. Oh, it's just, it's vibrating. No, it shocks. It's not vibrating. No, this one shocks. Okay, bark for me, Drew. Ew. No, I actually, I can't do it, I don't think. It's not on my skin yet. Wait, I don't want you to do it.

Wait, I'll put it down. Wait, it's like literally not letting me put it down. You have to click the top button in and then rotate it. I'll just do the vibrator for now. Wait, why is this very Vivian Westwood? I don't think so. Wait, chill, chill. That one's, it's a four. I know, it's not on my skin yet, but like I don't trust you yet. Okay, okay, look, level one. My hair won't let me tighten this shit. Level one. Okay, but wait, it's not on my skin yet. Squid game. I'm going to have a...

What the fuck was that? You could do sounds too. This is just abuse. I'm like actually going to have a conniption fit. Fuck. Did y'all want walkie talkies really bad as kids? Yes. I wanted like a really good walkie talkie so fucking bad. Like, wait, we should get walkie talkies because we text across the house. That would be fun. Wait, something just did a turd fall down my shirt. Oh, did a turd fall?

I have Turd fell there. They're all falling down, honestly. What the fuck? I feel like I'm actually losing my mind right now. Oh, that one's falling down. Oh, yeah. It's like rolling down the wall. What song did I sing earlier? I made a joke earlier about them falling. Oh. It was a really bad joke. Oh, Linger? No. I don't know. We all have a Rizzler. Okay. I'm going to do one. Is it shocking? No, no. Oh, vibrating. I don't care about. That literally feels like nothing. Should I bump it up?

It I mean the vibrating is not gonna hurt at all. It's just supposed to like scare me But wait, why is it like actually like like it doesn't hurt? Okay, hold it away from you because i'm gonna do You gotta bark. You gotta squeal like a pig. Oh, wait. Okay. This is level One, I actually don't know if this is a good idea Just touch it. I did and it hurt so bad on level one Yes, it felt like I was being like stabbed by a bee

Okay, then maybe we shouldn't play with this. Yeah, I don't want you to get hurt, actually. Wait, hold on. I keep feeling things. I'm like literally scared. You're going crazy. Okay, should I go? Yeah. Oh, like it's not that bad. Ew, the sound you made was crazy. No, if I go any higher, I might like actually stop my heart. Oh, fuck. Really? Yes. I guess dogs have like fur and like other things. It's like straight to the source with you.

i didn't i pulled it away i was too scared it's not on me yet wait turn it up to 10. 10 i don't think for shock just turn it up oh my god shock it goes to level 99 and it has a hazard sign you were on one out of 99 wait dude do 10. yeah wait wait wait what is happening it's like it's like f3 f4 oh wait no that's for the sound frequency four okay i'm ready

anya what did you put it to i did it's at 10. is it at are you sure it's at 10 and not 100 because he just pissed himself he pissed his pants good this is what you get when you fuck with me bitch yeah how are you still bruised from the cupping am i actually yeah you still have the spots from the cupping also i like didn't have a good reaction because i actually thought i just killed you so like that silence was me actually being like

My first thought was like, fuck, I need to leave soon. And I just killed Drew, so I can't leave. And I was like, I'm going to have to text everyone I know. Are you kidding me? That was your first thought? I was reorganizing my plans. I was like, okay, well, I can't leave. I have to take Drew to the hospital. And then I was like, would I be able to make that? And I was like, no, I have to be in the hospital with Drew. Why are you mad about a woman getting her bag and being independent? Exactly. I just died. You actually didn't, bitch. You're dramatic. Whore. Slut. You're a fucking slut. All right, your turn, Inya. Hell no.

Hell no. No, I'm actually scared of any pain. Okay, I'm going to say something that's really going to strike a chord with a lot of people because I know I have a feeling that a lot of people in our audience are just going to feel attacked by this. I fear that Legos are just a Stanley type finesse and everyone who is involved with being obsessed with Legos is

you have accidentally joined a cult. Legos are not that interesting. They're also like the craziest plastic machine I've ever seen. And it just reminds me of Stanley's. Like, okay, I saw a Lego wreath, like a Lego Christmas wreath.

Get a fucking... No, the flowers are so cute. The flowers, I'll let slide. But now they're doing everything. Everything is Lego. Everything. Did you see the cats? The Coraline house. I haven't seen the cats. The cats are so cute. Get a fucking plushie. Like the Lego... No, the building is like the part of it that's fun. I just can't get with the Legos. And to me, I literally see it like the people who collect Stanley cups. Yeah. Yeah.

It just doesn't like Legos don't strike a chord of joy for me. Let the Lego cats vote. Well, that's a good one. That's a good one. I like the OG little just like regular Legos. This grand scheme. It literally feels like so Mary Kay and Ashley. Not Mary Kay and Ashley. Mary Kay makeup.

Like, it feels like that to me. It feels very Avon. It feels very culty. It feels like at one point someone's going to start knocking on my door and asking if I want to buy, like, my Lego voting ballot, my Lego absentee ballot. Like, it's just bleeding into everything. Everything is Lego. And I don't like it. I just don't like it. I have to disagree. Yeah.

But we can agree to disagree. I think Legos are goats. I think they're the goat. Like the Dune Lego set is so fucking cool. Like, hello. To me, Legos are like my puff bar. I look at this. I'm like, how many of these are sitting in landfills? And then I look, I feel really bad. And then I remember that there are people who buy a Lego set a month. And there's 8 million pieces just everywhere on the planet. And it makes me feel better, honestly. I think, what the fuck?

Where did my dad? What? My dad texted me some weird shit. Well, people who think being gay is a choice are actively choosing not to be gay. So you're gay. So that's a gay tendency. I love gay tendencies. Like eating kiwis, that's gay tendencies. Yeah.

Eating kiwis. What else is a gay tendency? Riding passenger while your girl is driving. That's gay tendencies. Watching music videos to wind down for the night is definitely gay tendencies. Watching men play football is gay tendencies. Oh my God, I got a football. Rooting for a football team, gay tendencies. I literally got a football.

ball at a guy's. Yeah, it's fire. And although it was moving, I will still never partake in the consumption of sports because it actually means nothing to me. Like, it should be illegal to record the losing team. Like, seriously, they just fucking lost. Like, now you're going to put a camera in their face and there's always a compilation of the team. The best is when it's like the confetti that's colored by the other team. Yeah, and they're just like walking through and it's like, you...

And the more I think about it, I don't know what brings me joy. Your vape? Me? My heated blanket? Your heated blanket. No, and I'm not kidding. I was laying in bed a couple nights ago thinking about like what I am truly passionate for and like what I would do for the rest of my life like and enjoy it. And I have nothing. I have nothing.

I have nothing. I like... Well, okay. That's... I think that is the scam and this is going to sound so Tumblr, Twitter brain coded. But something I try to remind myself is being such a sad, sad, sad child who went through harsh things. I always had this very grand idea of what happiness was. And I thought when I had it, I would know it and I wouldn't second guess it. But literally,

Literally at this point, I feel like happiness is a construct that is being sold to us so that we never stop in the hamster wheel that is life. And that we keep, keep, keep just destroying ourselves and trying to search for that. But really-

Yeah, it literally is not this big thing. Happiness is just us sitting on the couch with Josh and like eating our favorite food and watching a fucking TV show or watching stupid YouTube videos. That to me now I can accept. That is the peak joy I will ever feel because it's like being on my iPhone for 14 hours a day. That is pure happiness. Like, yeah, I'm not even joking. Like, I love being on my phone right now. It's like really bad. But then there will be moments when I'm like,

200 videos deep on this random person from like Arkansas's TikTok account that has 200 followers and I like know everything about their life and I knew what like fucking donuts they ate in the morning and I was just like.

actually like what am i doing like truly and i'll like actually launch my phone across my room like if you ever hear something like hit the floor in my room it's my phone flying across because i like literally can't just lock it and set it down i have to like physically launch it out of my hand i know i've seen you do it and i remember one time you did it and josiah was like oh and went and picked it up and gave it back to you and you were like no and you threw it back and you and josiah were like okay

Hey, bitch. Like dramatic. Yeah. We'll come into my room and be like, I need to detox from my phone. I'm getting off my phone. We need to leave the house. And I'm like, okay. And I'm sitting there like on my phone or doing something in my room. And two seconds later, he goes, okay.

I'm withdrawing. I really want to look at my phone right now. Bitch, it's been like three seconds and you're with a human right now. I legitimately get iPhone withdrawals. Like I need to go to rehab for my fucking phone. But back to the happiness conversation. Life is only suffering. From the second you're born to the second you die, you will suffer every single day. Period. That's the end of it.

No, I'm fucking kidding. I mean, it is. It truly is. I'm about to start crying because everything bad that can happen to me has been happening to me. Yeah.

I'm just excited for this year to get wrapped up. Although next year and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that doesn't seem like the most promising next few years. It's always unstable. You really never know. You just don't know. And I'm 17 next year and we all know about the 17 club.

People die when they're 17. And who knows? Maybe I'll die. Do you think they're going to penalize Chapel Roan for contributing to population decline? Penis lies because she's a lesbian? Hopefully. Because I was watching SNL and I was like, oh my God, I love her so much. She's so awesome. And then I released like I was rewatching it a few days after the election. So I was really, really spiraling because...

I just was. And I was like, oh, my God, what if we get to a point that she like gets like fined for saying that women are better than men on TV? Which, guys, it's not going to happen. Seriously. OK, we need to move on because I'm actually going to start freaking out. Well, Australia's PR team is a fucking shit show because I literally haven't seen a single positive thing.

about living there. Like not one, there's a hole in the ozone layer that's melting people's fucking skins off. There's spiders everywhere, like literally eating people alive. There's like the most poisonous snakes in the world just like living. It just seems like an inhabitable thing.

You shouldn't be there. It's inhospitable. It's literally you should not be there. Like, I think there's like something like three cities where like 99% of the population lives. And then the rest is just like literally like Mad Max level of desert where it's just like literally you can't survive out there. And then also don't even get me fucking started about the goddamn flies, bitch. You have to wear like fucking fly hats because these flies are like

to the CO2 leaving your body. So they just like attack your face and try to get in your nose, eyes, mouth, and ears. So you have to wear these hats like when you just go outside. And then also those fucking birds, the magpies, like the fucking magpies. If you ride your bike down the road, magpies will swoop down and try to-

No, they try to eat your eyes out of your skull. I'm not kidding. Like, they literally... There's videos of people, like, where magpies are just, like, fucking attacking them. Yeah, I've seen a girl walking... Like, there's this girl who runs and she always is trying out new hats to see if she gets attacked. I'm like, at what cost? Why do you live there? Like, I don't understand. I mean, honestly, how are they going to get out? Because, like, every flight is literally 24 hours away. And it's also $8,000 to leave. Yeah, but...

The surfing's nice. Let's say a couple nice things. I don't know anything about Australia. It's probably easy to tan. I think their economy is strong. I heard that. Strong economy. Weird accent. But what I don't like about Australia is that Australian guys are always tall and strong and they'll beat me up. Every Australian person I've ever met has like

Pulled my pants down and fucking beat me up and humiliated me. How often do you meet guys from Australia? I saw Jordan Barrett once. Who's Jordan Barrett? The modder. Oh, yeah. Oh, the scary guy? Yeah, the modder. He's Australian? Yeah, he got caught stealing cigarettes. Another bad PR stunt from Australia. He got caught stealing cigarettes and he got casted for it.

Oh, when he was younger? I thought like now because I was like, girl, why are you stealing cigarettes now? Now you're just bored. No, I saw that. He is the weirdest looking person ever and I'm sorry. I like, I'd like, God bless, but like. No, PSL is different from appeal. He is, he is weird looking, but I do, I'm like, fuck, I look so much like him that maybe I'm just projecting like. That is your twin. That is your twin. That's kind of my twin. If that was your twin, I would be grossed out.

No, you're more like Chico twin-coated. You got Chico vibes. Who's that? Who's Chico? He's like appeal versus like Jordan Barrett's PSL, Chico's appeal. I mean,

You know what I just thought of? When we were at the store and you were like, yeah, that's a cheat code. And the girl thought you said, oh, my God. We were at the store and this girl like knew who we were and she worked there. And if you're listening to this, I fucking loved your energy. You were a fucking vibe like you were lit. And she was just like trying.

chatting us up and we were just like talking about like what we had been up to and she was like oh my god y'all were like randomly in fucking Arizona for the Urban Outfitters thing like I went there and I had friends there and they saw you and it was all it was fucking crazy and then I can't remember how it got there

I think she was talking about bars. People go to the school to go to a party. Yeah, yeah. So you could get a scholarship and then just go fuck off and party all night. Party, yeah. And get a... That's Chico. And I was like, oh yeah, that's a cheat code. I do not look like this guy. I know you don't. Not at all. I fucking wish. Yeah, you don't look like him at all, Kai. This is appeal. This guy's so handsome. Makes me depressed. Like this is their other...

I hate men who look like that. I think he's so cute looking, but I would never. I need like a 46-year-old. Like if I'm going to find a man attractive, he has to have like a bit of character to his face and look. Scars. I can't stand like a Roblox, like dressed to impress looking motherfucker. I can't stand it. Well, me and Drew are obsessed with looking like that. Which is so crazy.

I've been bone smashing. I was going to say, Gua Sha is the girl equivalent to bone smashing. Because I saw a girl on my timeline who had Gua Sha'd so hard, all her blood vessels had popped and all the comments were like, girl. Chill out.

Reel it back. Chill the fuck out. But anyways, this girl was like, or I was like, oh, that's such a cheat code, like a cheat code to a video game. And she was like, yeah, that's so Chico. And then I was like, yeah, yeah, it's a cheat code. And I like enunciate and she's like, yeah, that is so Chico. We were laughing so hard because I was like...

-Okay, what would that even imply? I don't want to know what it would imply, but also just the idea that Drew Phillips is in a store saying, "That's so Chico." -Yes, we need to make Chico a thing. I'm assuming she had a friend named Chico or there's a Chico legend at the campus or something. -Or maybe she's a member of Mogwarts. -Mogwarts Academy, Kshami. -You have your Harry Potter hat on. Isn't that the hat that chooses people? -The sorting hat.

What are you? I feel like you're Slytherin. One thing about me is I'm Slytherin. I'm Slytherbone. What? What was that? Slytherbone. Is that making you laugh so hard? It's crazy. Slytherbone.

Right, right. Well, I think I've decided that somebody saying something is fascinating is the most condescending thing ever. It's interesting. In movies where they're like, fascinating.

Okay, bitch. Because one, it's not. Two, you're being fucking condescending as fuck. Like if I told my story, like a story to somebody and all they were to say in reply was... That's fascinating. That's fascinating. I would fucking hit them. Fascinating to me is a fight word. Like...

Oh, that's fascinating. I'm so fucking sure that's fascinating to you. Like it literally just sounds so demeaning. It's like the same as someone describing like a food as interesting. Like I know you hate it and I know you don't like it. Just say you don't like it. The flavor is interesting. Like you literally don't like it. Like that's me to matcha. Like I don't like matcha. I never will. It tastes like I'm fucking drinking like cow chewed grass. Like and that's okay. I love matcha though. That's okay. I love that bitter taste. Like I can't stand a matcha.

A lot of y'all don't even fuck with matcha. Like I understand matches all the rave right now, but a lot of y'all don't fuck with matcha the way I do. And me and my girls do, because why the fuck are you adding blueberry raspberry? Like all these things. Also, actually we need to talk about that. A lot of y'all are adding like raspberries to your coffee. What the fuck are we talking about? Like even the,

Even the banana coffee, you're pushing it. Like all the flavoring of coffee is pushing it. Like they put bananas in the coffee? Yeah, some people make banana syrup, which I will say actually does sound delicious for two sips. And then it sounds like it would give me an insane... I really can't eat bananas. It would give me heartburn. Yeah, I get like welts on my tongue and throat when I eat bananas. Not in like a crazy way like eating oysters, mussels, clams would. But like I literally like the enzymes or some shit like melt my tongue away.

I really want the banana Fortnite Crocs. I was just saying that literally the banana Fortnite Crocs, the Battle Bus Crocs, the pink ones are the most horrifying piece of clothing I've ever seen created. I mean, to be fair, all of them are like terrifying. But the banana ones are like terrifying. Oh, I should tell my parents to get me that for Christmas. Wait, I need to send that to them. Also, Azul...

is cunt and don't fuck with Azul because I randomly looked up how much Azul costs. I found Azul on the street and Azul is like a paid experience of a cat. He's the dumbest cat I've like ever interacted with. Dude, Azul randomly also, if you don't know, cause I feel like I never talk about Azul anymore. Azul is my fucking cat. Um,

Dude, he's terrible. She has like become obsessed. Actually, what's weird, the older Azul gets, the more like a boy he starts to act to me. So now he's like kind of just been a boy for the past year because he has become obsessed with cardboard boxes. Not in the way most cats are where they get in it and they play and they're cute. Azul,

takes out this aggression that I've never seen an animal do. He doesn't eat it. He doesn't like swallow the cardboard, but he very meticulously, it's like he's a little Amazon worker. Like he goes up to it and he's like, he's like, like he just bites it and spits it out. Yeah. He just bites it and spits it out and then plays with the cardboard pieces and then just like circles around it. Like he killed something and walks away. And there's a cardboard box under my bed because I have all his canned food, like shoved in this box under my bed.

I'll be laying in bed and I just wake up to like...

under my bed and it's like a thumping sound and I go under my bed and it's just Azul with two paws in the box and then his like all the rim of it is plastic and chewed up cardboard also he has started to eat my vinyl records so he literally yeah he literally goes to like I have all of my records like leaned up against my desk he goes and he it literally feels like he's picking something out which I should start playing the records he pulls out

And see if my cat can be smart, but that's not the case. He just, whatever. He chose Vangelis. Yeah, he chose Vangelis. And then the other one was, what's that fucking? Yo la tengo. Yo la tengo. Also, he chewed a hole in an air mattress. Oh, yeah. Like a dog. We can't have air mattresses in the house because Azul finds them and he eats them. He finds them and he eats them. Azul's a munch.

the cat yeah it's an animal i was looking at azul today and i was like it is so funny how we just picked this animal to be like the animal like cats and dogs are like that no i don't i don't think that i think they chose us i knew they could control us i truly do think that like i really that fucking parasite study is crazy and i know we all got but i love cats in the craziest way like

I send at least three cat videos a day to my friends and family. I fucking love cats being cute. Look at him. He's the most beautiful cat ever, bro. He is so cute. Azul is beautiful. And when he looks at me with this face, I'm like, this cat loves me. I love how he has no neck. Have you seen the kitten that says hello? No. Let me show you this. Pull that hoe up because I need to see that. Oh, but I love Azul, bro.

I literally love him. If you look up there, I found an Azul whisker. Oh, really? Yeah. Whoa, it's long as hell. Oh, this is it. This is it. I think this is a whisker. Are you stuck? I don't

I want a kitten. Sometimes, oh, I know. Sometimes I feel like Azul can say hello and I'm not kidding because sometimes he does this very specific meow only when I'm in the bathroom and he's standing outside of it because he wants to get in there. He does not like the bathroom door closed because anytime I'm in there, he comes up and meows at it. And then like, he knows it's me. Like Azul doesn't give a fuck about me. Actually, Azul, look, he loves me. He sleeps with me. He just hates the bathroom door.

Not that he likes to hang out in the bathroom, but he likes the option of going into a room where one of us is in there. Like he doesn't like to be closed off. And I love him so much. He is so cute. And he loves the heated blanket. Like usually he lays up here and sleeps next to my shoulders. But since I have the heated blanket now, he'll like sleep.

scrounge around and like lay half on me half off me and i love when i'm playing fortnite and he comes and he lays across my lap like a little loaf oh my god i literally he's grown up so much in the last i know if when azul dies i think i'm gonna kill myself oh my god i'm gonna kill myself would you kill yourself if i died yeah okay good i mean it doesn't take much

um well the last thing i want to talk about is family data plans did y'all have those oh my god yeah bro oh my god like i forgot about the trauma that a family data plan caused me as like a kid that was obsessed with the internet every single month

Three days in, four days in, our family would get a text in the family group chat saying that we've used 90% of our data plan. And then my fucking sister figured out a way to fucking call on her iPhone to see...

by number who's using the data. And every single time without fail, it was me using 90% of the data before anybody could use it. But it was also like, it felt like it took nothing. I genuinely remember getting, being in school and it would be like the day after the VMAs and I need to see what people tweeted. And I'm on my phone just looking at Twitter and even just seeing gifs and fucking picture replies would take up so much time.

so much of it and it would destroy it also did you ever have to like go in and check how much like of the data you've used like all the time like i would do it all the time and it literally felt like undoing a bomb every time i was doing that because even that felt like it was using data like everything on my phone remember minutes yes or i no no no no i never had minutes i mean like i did have minutes but

Like I never used the phone. Oh, I had minutes. But there was like minutes and then there was something with like texting too. Like there was only a certain amount of like texting and send. And oh my God, I fucking hated that. Like not being able to reply to my crush because I used up all my shit and I would just have to go to school and be like, sorry, I couldn't reply. Like I literally couldn't afford to. Sorry I couldn't play 23 questions with you. That's why kick was so popular because it was like before like,

messenger i got groomed oh duh y'all i've been thinking a lot about the experiences i had from 14 to 17 even 18 a lot of people are going to jail a lot of people wait so these experiences happened like the first couple years of the podcast yeah like two years ago oh three i didn't know that you were going through that yeah i mean it's not even that big of a deal he's being so yeah i'm being dramatic yeah chill out dude

Okay. Wait, what is this? If you had to accept an award, do you think you would be like BuzzFeed? Like, thank you, humans, whatever. Or do you think you would be like very serious? I'd probably take my shirt off.

I think I would want a Hope Corps edit, so I would drop an insane amount of lore and I would trauma dump. Actually, we need someone to do that. We need somebody to get up on that stage and accept a Grammy and just trauma dump. Thank no one and just say the worst thing that's ever happened to you. Destroy the vibe. Oh my God. Yesterday, I had the saddest experience in the fucking dispensary. And it was genuinely like...

Oh my God, it was so jarring. I pulled up and this person, this guy parked right in front of me and walked in before me. And as I'm heading in, it's all glass windows.

And I see him talking to the girl and I just see him like drop his head and start like sobbing. And the girl comes around who is helping him, who worked there and hugged her, uh, hugged him. And he was just like, when I came in, somebody else had to help me check my ID because he like immediately also, it was like, I'm so sorry. I genuinely think this person was going through it. And I did feel so much empathy, but I couldn't help but find the humor and the fact that he was like sobbing so hard. And he was like, um, I'll take a...

This disposable pen. The one gram. And like was crying. I was like, this is such a crazy vibe. But it was really, really sad. And I wanted to say something to him because he was having the kind of sob that I was like, this has to be somebody who's grieving somebody. And like there had to have just been like a word exchange. Like maybe he hasn't seen anybody. And I felt so bad because he kept saying sorry. Which also to hear a man say sorry so much. I was like, wow. Like there are...

One. Good one. There's one. There are one. But like, it was really jarring. But I need somebody to do what that guy did in the dispensary and like how he shifted the mood in there. I need somebody to do that. Just kill the vibe. Just literally get up on stage and be like, this means so much to me because...

I think I was going to say, I think I might just scream into the mic, like consume it and scream. Like you remember what you used to do on like Xbox or like when you had to use wired headphones and you could put the mic in your mouth and scream into it and it would be the most deafening sound. That's my acceptance. I still do that to my friends on Fortnite. I will literally just like join a party, put the like, I have the PS, I have a PS5. Really? So I just will put the controller into my mouth

It's kind of like I'm munching on the box of my controller, and then I'll just like... But I think it peaks out. Yeah, it peaks out. Because there's certain microphones that people have found that are better for screaming into, and it's like those ones that are like an earpiece right here that go... Oh, those always sound really good. Yeah, those are like the goat of like screaming. Yeah, that guy...

was really scary and it made me sad and i wanted to say something but i was like honestly the last time i spoke to a stranger who i thought was crying it was embarrassing for me so i'm not gonna do that even though this guy was obviously he'd probably follow you home the other yeah that was the other thing is i was like i can't talk to this man because sadly you can't be nice to you can't be nice to a man because he's gonna think that he's gonna marry you um well i think the worst thing that's ever happened to me worse than my brother dying

worse than my grandpa and grandma dying of covid fumbling me who fumbled you you fumbled me because i wanted you and then you were like no and no no you fumbled me but look at me you and look at me hello

And just imagine me. We should. If they start doing it so that we could have a baby and like it would be in a test tube and not a surrogate, I would genuinely do that with you. I think we could probably figure that out. Yeah. I mean, we could probably combine our DNA in a test tube and then implant it in someone to carry it for us. But I just don't want someone else to carry my baby. So you guys should just fucking get pregnant and have a baby then.

So that's all you think women are good for? Wow. Not at all. Not at all. That's one of the many things that I celebrate women on Dune. Kai, you're crazy for that. I saw a discussion unfolding because of everything happening where it was talking about how so many people in this generation feel lost because the women aren't having kids and just by human nature we're supposed to have kids. First of all,

Kill yourself. That's it. Exactly. I mean, we should collapse the population because like there's not going to be fucking evil people to be in power. But whatever. Worse than Trump getting reelected. Worse than my bug dying and you killing my bug, murdering it in cold blood is coming home from the drive through and not checking your bag before and realizing there's no sauce in that goddamn bag.

I swear to God that will quite literally ruin my week. Like that ruins my... The sauce? Yes. Someone out there relates like the most important part of a meal to me is buffalo sauce. If I don't get buffalo sauce... Well, yeah, I guess because you're just somebody who you use food as a vehicle for condiments. You're not like eating food for the...

the like flavor of the food you're eating it to have ranch or buffalo or like kewpie mayo because everything drew eats he slathers ranch buffalo and kewpie mayo though i could literally survive on just those three the thing is ranch alone kind of grosses me out like ranch there's like a very specific like the ranch in the bottle from the salad for salads that ranch can i tell you something what

I went into the refrigerator like three days ago and there was a cup of ranch in there and I literally drank it and licked it clean from Wingstop. That is crazy, Drew. Dude.

Like, the thing is, everybody knows online it's like the ranch from Wingstop is goaded. But I don't think people are consuming it the way you've taken it to a level that it's genuinely like... It's really... I mean, I'm drinking it. Drew, like, licks the bowl. No, I lick the lid. He literally gets mad when...

i'm about to throw away like this level of ranch away after eating bro i could use oh my god the other day i got a swing stop and he was like they only gave us two things of ranch as if that's not enough you get three fucking tenders like you just want to drink the ranch it's so weird and then it's like i feel like most people order the big tub and it feels wasteful because you get the big tub and it's like i'm not using all this ranch but

I literally watch Drew. You know the mukbanger girls who dunk it in and do it for the visual nasty effect? Drew does that unironically. Without cameras. He dips it so far his fingers get coated. And then I lick my fingers clean. Ooh, buffalo sauce too. Buffalo sauce is very good. It does. Don't try it. Buffalo sauce to me tastes like what...

When I know it is summertime, I get like a certain kind of sweat that comes out of my body. Buffalo sauce smells like that. Like that very specific like spiked sweat stench. So body odor. Yeah, is what buffalo sauce is. Coochie stench. But in a really good way. Um...

Buffalo sauce. But if you haven't tried it, do not fucking try it because you will live your entire fucking life chasing that goddamn high. Like the first time I had it, a switch flipped into my brain and I was like, this is what's going to kill me. It's like straight up my heroin. Like, I'm not kidding. Like it really like I'm chasing the magic dragon. But you don't like buffalo sauce the way I do because I eat the buffalo wings from 7-Eleven. You don't know nothing about me and my buffalo sauce.

I will say you have to put me on sauce. Like I wasn't like, I wasn't like a sauce connoisseur like that before I met you. Also you saying the coochie thing made me think of this. Wait, wait, wait. Elon Musk's body looks like an autopsy. Was that a psyop?

No, I saw someone comment that on TikTok and I thought it was quite literally the funniest thing I've ever... I think someone emailed that to the email too. Oh, really? It literally... He's a what? His body looks like an autopsy. Okay, so that's our curse of the week goes out to Elon Musk. I had that written down. You will wake up from a ferocious dream where you are on fire only to wake up and realize you actually are on fire and you are paying in real time for all of the sins against humanity you have created. And...

You will be dying soon, so count your fucking days. If I put a curse on you, bitch, you're not fucking making it. And I'm putting the curse on you. Elon Musk, you will perish. Elon Musk, you will perish. Elon Musk, you will perish. Oh my God, he's so fucking nasty. He's clear. Oh my God. He's clear. He's fucking clear, bro. Okay, I'm moving on. Drew Sayev.

I hate when motherfuckers say shit like it's a quarter till nine. Bitch, just say it's 875. Goddamn, y'all stupid. I'm like shaking. That riled me up. That really got me going. It's okay. I cursed him. He's not going to make it. Yeah. We should buy everybody. If we all bought Etsy spells. Okay, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. Another night. No sex. I feel like an inmate. Out of the eight dudes you're talking to, why do you got to tell me you're hungry?

Or wait, no, no, fuck, I read that wrong. Out of the eight dudes you're talking to, out of the eight dudes you're talking to, why do you have to tell me you're hungry? You did read it like that the first time. That is exactly how you read it the first time. Okay. You just added a verbal comma this time. Ew. Don't give me a kid. I'm going to name that bitch Spinach Wheel. Okay.

I'm going to name my kid Bethany Moda. Bro, my kids' names. I have them. I'm going to have two girls, one boy. No, you're not. Karma Mantis. What's the boy's name? Karma Mantis. Orchid. Orchid. Orchid. Karma Mantis is an orchid. Orky. Ork. I'm going to name my kid Mythic Item. Boogie Bomb. Gold Scar. Gold Scar. Yeah. Right. Right.

Wait, hold on. There's definitely somebody who's asked chat GBT what they should name their baby and they named the fucking baby that. Yeah, so far. And they buy Tesla cars. I can't read right now. I'm like actually having trouble reading. A trouble reading. Yeah. I can read for you.

-Why are you as a man getting up early, rise and grind? The fuck are you grinding on? A cock? -Grinder. -Old people at weddings always poking you saying you're next, so I started doing the same to them at funerals. I'm going to hell, bro. That's a good one. Marriage is a death sentence. -Who sent those? -There's more.

I know people be talking about me. It's okay though because I talk about y'all too and I'm way funnier. Sometimes the person you want isn't most isn't one you need you want. Sometimes the person you want isn't most isn't you one need you want the is 100 emoji. Huh? Huh? Suzanne. Shout out Suzanne. Oh my God.

Shout out Suzanne. And shout out Madeline. And shout out Kelly H. Kelly 8. Okay. My media of the week is I'll tell you now, Lindsay Buckingham, Can't Stop Loving You, Soul Dog, Make Love to Me, Carrie Cleveland, and Expecting to Fly, Buffalo Springfield. And then for movies, I watched Moonstruck.

with Nicolas Cage and Cher and it was so good. It was just a hoot and a holler and it was so charming. I miss when movies were charming. Yeah, I miss like old rom-coms. It was cute. I'm a cinephile. We really need to change that word. What is it called when you like are really excited about feet? Pedophile. Oh.

It is. Is that really what it is? P-E-D-I. Ped. I didn't think that you were actually going to follow through with that. Oh my God. Wait, hold on. Wait, is that actually what it is? That's what I was setting him up for, but I thought he was going to say something else.

It has to be a different word. It's gotta be. It's gotta be. But ped is like the word for foot. There's an old zen right here and it's like grossing me out. Zen? Yeah. The stains? Look. The stains in this house, y'all, if you could see, if you could see the squalor we fucking live in,

It's really nasty. And I don't have media. I have media. It's real. It's real media. Microcosm by Veronica Everhart. I love that song. Really? She's goaded. Microcosm by Veronica Everhart. And Rock Solid by 2Shell. Well, Chippa Motto. Sure. Moonchild. Like, what the fuck do you want? Bye.