bottom erasure
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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, small more. Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom Help. We're stuck in the computer. We're trapped and I don't know when we're leaving. I'm stuck in the computer. I can't get out of my head. Did that peak?

Yeah, yours is... It sounded good, though. It sounded good. Hi, guys. Hey. Hi, Drew. Did I realize that... What? Huh? I was just going to say we've, like, recorded so much this week. I feel insane.

Good. You should. You should feel overworked and burnt out right at the first week of the new year. That's what the new year is about. It's about getting all those resolutions and scaring yourself into the change that you think is not believable. And then backing out and going back to your normal habits because life isn't about hustle. Life is about being normal. And I feel so sick too. Wait, did you get sick again too?

I don't think I'm sick. I don't know why I feel like this, but I just feel so foggy-headed. Because you don't have me around. It literally is. I've withdrawn. I'm in the late stages of withdrawal. It's called postpartum depression disorder, actually. Okay.

Wait, what? Are you claiming you gave birth to me or? No, no, it's called PAWS. P-A-W-S. It's the late stage of withdrawals when it's just strictly mental and not physical. Pogs? Did you say pogs? Pogs. Poggers. No, P-A-W-S.

Oh, I also thought you said pog. And I was like, oh my god, thank you. Poggers. What does pog stand for? Fat and white girls? It's fat ass white girls. Oh, I thought it was like poggers in the chat. Like, let me drop some pogs down below. Yeah, I think. No, me and Guy's mind was elsewhere. Yeah. Well, no. No. Well, I thought.

We could come into this episode and maybe chat about our New Year's resolutions, our ins and outs. I didn't write any ins and outs. And I told Kai and Inyo too so they could do the heavy lifting. But I did write my resolutions down. And I feel like if anybody wants to go first, they can or I can go ahead and start it.

start with your resolution because i have a thing of ins and outs that is like pretty obnoxious and weirdly like long question mark perfect no that's perfect okay then i'll start with my resolutions

Okay, my first one, I've been saying this a bunch recently, but like a full blown dopamine detox. Like, I want all the devices out of my life, like Kale phone, I don't want to use it. I fully want to like, just have everything out of my life that like gives me any dopamine so I can like, go back to baseline because I think I'm functioning like above baseline. And it's really scary when I even dip.

below where I'm at now when I'm like at normal baseline of dopamine levels. I don't know how to describe it. So basically you want to do Mr. Beast's last challenge when he locked himself in a room for 100 days. Did you watch that? No, but that's literally what I wanted. I haven't watched any Mr. Beast videos because I was like, oh, I want to watch them with everybody when we get back. But I think everybody's watched them because on my account, the Mr. Beast video was already watched. So that means somebody

TV already watched at our house. Damn. It was Josh. Also, Josiah does not wait for us to watch. Josh and Josiah, they don't wait. Every time I'm like, oh, should we watch this? They're like, I've seen it already. Like, I genuinely think they have notifications on and they see it immediately. It's so oppy behavior. Like, it's not chill. It's not chill. Like, well, I did do that to you a couple times, actually. I did it with...

Poor Things which is the most insane movie I've ever seen like in a good way like I literally I loved that movie like

if i haven't seen barbie and i will never see barbie but that's what i assume barbie is about yeah like i feel like it's adult barbie yeah literally like i feel like it's in the same wheelhouse um wait wait wait wait what is this mug kai is drinking out of what is that mug wait what i

It says main character energy. Oh my god. How do we boot in? No, you can't. Where'd you get that? Okay. If you want to be the main character. Yeah, I literally am. This is my room. Oh my god. Since you want to be the main character so damn bad. Inya, you too. Kai, take it back. I take it back. I'm not the main character. You guys are the main characters. Thank you. Thank you. Drew, please come back. Everything is in its place.

Drew, come back and make sure you place your box. I actually don't know how to do it. Wait, no, actually. Oh, here we go. All right, we're good. Make sure to put yourself back above Kai where you belong. Oh, yeah. True. Drew on top of me. True. Ew. Damn. That's actually crazy. Oh, my God. Kai targets 30 this year. No, I actually don't. You know what's crazy is I've been lying to you guys because I just I wanted there to be like a mystery. Yeah.

And then I reveal at 29 at my birthday, I'm like, I'm actually like a cool age, like 24 or something. Yeah. Well, I saw a comment that horrified me and it was talking about our last episode with Hamza and Martin. And the comment was like, OMG, this is like millennial versus Gen Z. And I was like,

who are they calling millennial? Cause I know damn well it's not me. And then the bio said, Oh, like Drew and Inya just give millennial vibes. And I was like, I went to the comments to see if anybody was talking about it. And everyone was like, yeah, no, I fully understand that. Like Drew and Inya are so millennial coded. And I was like, you guys are, I was like, I was actually hurt to my heart. Like I didn't invent Gen Z, but I didn't actually invent Gen Z, but like,

It freaked me out. Well, for that episode, it was crazy because I'm kind of like the baby of the group. So I felt at home with... Kai is so baby. With Martin and Hamza. Say your baby. Say I'm baby. Why'd you say his name like that? Martin. Martin. Because I'm a baby. Because I'm a baby. I'm still learning.

I will say, I do think, like, as, like, unintelligent as a lot of our humor is, I understand why people say we're millennial core. Like, we are kind of so old-head. Like, all we do is talk about, like, young people. Adoyi! Like...

And that is so true, actually. Ew, is that your millennial pause? Yeah. I literally, it is so foreign to me that I can't even act it. Like, and I'm like a world-class actor and I just like, I can't even act millennial because it's such like, it's not in my DNA. That might make you not a world-class actor because that might be one of the easiest roles to take on. Oh,

Oh, doggo galaxy donated out donate a galaxy to me fuck that's so Gen Z actually sorry like I know that is that is millennial chorus fuck because when I think of that I think of Jeffrey Starr Jason Nash who actually I think might be the silent age. What is it the people who went through war?

The silent age is like 80 year olds. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that refers to like you're so old you can't even speak. It's like you're locked away in like old people homes. Yeah, that's Jason Nash. Yeah. Jason Nash almost hit me in his Tesla one time in Studio City.

I wish he did. You wish he hit me? You wish he hit me and I died? Yeah, because then we would have taken him to small claims court. Hello? Okay. That is a big claim, actually. Oh, my God.

God, I meant financially, bro. Okay, okay. Because you're so important to me. Okay, oh, okay. But that car would have been dented heavily. I don't know if his Prius would have... It would have been totaled. That's what I'm saying. I don't know if his Prius would have filed under large claim. I saw someone talking about how Prius owners are the bravest people on this planet because they...

Time and time again prove that they have the thickest skin of any person on this planet because they are just constantly berated for owning a Prius, yet they still drive it. And all I thought about was how brave Kai is. He's a brave soul. You're a brave soul. I'm brave for a lot of reasons, guys. Oh, also the reason he's the most.

I'm like a martyr in a lot of ways, I feel like. You know what I mean? A martyr of what cause? Straight white men. Yeah, straight white guys. That's true. We do need more of those. Oh, also this mug belongs to my new roommate, by the way. Do you have a TikTok mug? Yes, he makes TikToks and it's a mystery who it is, but you've seen it. Have I seen it before? Maybe, I don't know. Oh, it's probably Vinnie Hacker.

I wanted it to be a mystery. What the fuck? Well, I just don't believe in mysteries. Yeah. So anyway, spread that around. Vinnie Hacker and Kai Backshots Newman now live together in Silver Lake. You changed your name to Kai Backshots Newman? That's what people call me. That's just my natural nickname as of a couple weeks ago. Dude, you might find that that's not like a cool nickname. They might be making fun of you. Yeah, no, literally. It's not like a nickname like you're giving the back shots. People give you back shots.

That's fine. That's okay. I don't have an issue with that. I just don't think that's like good. Drew, I don't have an issue with that, do I? A lot of erasure. Yeah. I don't know. But okay. Wait, New Year's, I'm reading back my notes for my second one. Okay, so I was thinking, so you know how like I wanted to make my blind box toys or whatever? Yeah.

well i saw the market for the rose toy and i was like oh wow there's like a big like market for this shit so i was like i'm gonna make them vibrate and like have like clitoral suckers and shit in them so it's gonna be like a blind box but with like a vibrator um and it's in my character's like silhouette um i don't think that's gonna do as well as you think wait are sex toys recession proof yes i think they go up in value

Yeah, they have to be recession-proof because people are, like, desperate for, like, a dopamine hit. So, like... Damn, we should all get in that business. Like, what are we doing? All the celebrities making alcohol and shit, which I think is kind of recession-proof because people... You need alcohol to survive a rela-cession. A rela-cession? A rela-cession. But, yeah, we need more celebrities dropping sex toys. Like, that's what we need. Yeah, we need...

blind box toys no we don't what what are your other resolutions um lose 45 pounds um okay so i think if you lose 45 pounds you may pass away yeah you're gonna become two-dimensional dude that's like i keep telling everybody um i'm like i'm like guys my goal this year is to weigh 83 pounds like that's my goal i'm gonna hit the gym i'm really gonna hit if i

weighed 83 pounds i would die i'd be in hospice that's unhealthy that is scary no but my actual goal is to gain into the drain you know like the drain grate yeah yeah i want to slip into that and be swept away y'all remember when rihanna walked over the drain in heels yeah that's what i want to do that's one of my resolutions you want your body to be the heel or you want to walk over greats with i want to walk over greats and heels this year

I want to be so skinny that when I'm running on the treadmill, I get sucked into the thing. Like I fall, but instead of falling off, I'm so thin that I get caught in the like revolver. You know, liquid cats. That's my goal this year is to break all the bones in my body so I can fit inside of any face I want or bowl.

No, my real goal is to like gain a bunch of weight. I want to be like a burly man. Like I want to be nasty and big and strong. I just want to be able to run for like 30 minutes straight.

Oh, that's a good one. So that when the killer comes after me, I will be getting away. When the nuke drops, you can outrun the nuke. I can outrun it. Yeah. I'm going to be the first woman to outrun the San Andreas fault line shattering this year. Yeah, I do think it's coming. Like, the second the earthquake starts, I'm going to run away. Did you see that Iceland is, like, literally splitting in half? Yeah, and we need to go. I know. We need to go now. Yeah.

Wait, are you done with your resolutions? Because I have really important ins and outs. I have one more. Oh, and then I also have a couple too, so...

Okay, your resolution is going to be watch more porn. And it's going to be the longest resolution list I've ever heard in my life. Because you're nearing the end and you have so much to do. Well, whenever you guys let me do an episode with the camera, I take full advantage of it. So my ins and outs are long. I mean, you are the main character. You are the main character.

um hey um okay wait is that an emma uh emma isn't her podcast called the main character podcast no this is just a tiktok one i don't know maybe it's the same font i guess is it really yeah it looks like the exact same font i actually don't know the name of it um okay my last one is just two camping trips or like two retreats to nature

Like I need to, or I want to go to like Canada and do that road trip up in Canada, across Canada. I'm super down for that. Yeah. I bet Tavia, if we literally told Tavia right now, she would, she probably already has one fucking plan for this year. Yeah. And we can just tag along and ride it in the wheel well. I'll sleep in the bathroom. I love the bathroom. Ride in the wheel well. It's so funny. Well, after I lose that 40 pounds, I'm going to be small enough. Yeah.

she'll just put you in her stanley cup i'll be a mud flap for the car um all right well kyle are you gonna go or should i start my ins and outs oh yeah i want to drink alone more i drink alone a lot but i want to drink alone more like how often

Drew, please come back. What the fuck? I just don't support this. Drew, when friends say that, you're supposed to show up for them, not disappear. The way I came back immediately. I came back before you even said, Drew, come back. Okay, so you guys want me to do real ones? You want me to be earnest? No, no, do whatever you want. I want to be less... I want to have more self-confidence.

Do you actually like feel like you lack a lot of self-confidence? I do a lot. Yeah. Like it, I feel like it was literally hot. So I need to lose some confidence. Look at that smile. You're literally hot. I'm serious. Well, it's because you're raising me up and I'm getting wet and I'm creating male snail trails. Okay. Let me see. What's another thing? Oh yeah. I want to be more self-confident. I I'm a little bit afraid of everything. And then I want to get 10,000 steps a day.

That's a good one. Just go to Disney every day. Yeah, exactly. I want to be walking around LA and people just be like, oh my God, that guy gets so many steps. He's lost so much weight. He probably bakes. No, they're going to be like, oh my God, I see that guy walking around every day. He must not have a car. He's the killer. No, Kai, back to your self-confidence one. A little bit of advice is

like if you want to be more self-confident like just be more confident you know that's i was gonna say smile more often okay make people just make people um like find you attractive which i guess i don't drew how do you do that because i just kind of like when i show up it happens yeah that's like not really i'm you

Oh, whoa. It's already working. Oh my God, I actually still have it with your eyes. You immediately look like somebody yanked your face back with face tape. Okay, genuine question. Should I just do this like 10% all the time? No. No. No.

No? Okay. I don't like how good you are at it. Also, your eyes cross a little bit. Wait, can I do that? I'm fluffy. What?

your hair is looking so fluffy today oh wow thank you it's because i just washed it the fluffy thing the what our goat you know our goat we laid in bed together crying laughing at this tiktoks oh i don't know what you're doing curtis dude i don't know the clip winstreet your hair looks very bouncy

He's on live stream and someone says, oh, your hair's looking really fluffy today. I can't do that, though. What does he do? He's like, he's literally. Wait, do I do it? No, you can't do it. You kind of look like you're fainting, Drew. But yeah, those were my real those were my real resolutions. I don't write any resolutions.

resolutions wait is that it yeah and i do want to drink alone that that one was kind of real too i want to like be on my jack kerouac shit you might find that that's a slippery slope yeah yeah i want to be in more i want to be in more slippery slopes this year

oh that's a good idea get a cat get a cat i'm thinking about it actually i do want there's a there's one at my new apartment that his name's marty and he's always like trying to get in and i'm like maybe that's just my cat now you know damn yeah wait oh is it like an outside cat yeah yeah well his his uh his owners like fucking hate him like it'll be pouring rain and they'll put him outside

That's so evil. Maybe he's daddy's cat now. No, he's PETA's cat. You need to call fucking animal services if they're putting that shit out on the street when it's raining. The cat distribution system is...

Literally targeting you. I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore. And you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I like, I can't believe I miss reading ads. I like, I miss the taste.

Okay, well, here are my ins and outs. I don't have any resolutions. I do actually, all of my resolutions are like health wise though. Like I want to, I want to shop less, which isn't a health thing. It's just like a financial thing. Drew, you look like frozen. Oh, because I'm serving. No, I'm not frozen. I'm serving. That's like not a good like. I'm serving like a hungry man, like lean cuisine right now.

what does that mean i don't know i was like playing off of like the frozen thing like i'm like frozen i'm a meal best like a frozen no but a lean cuisine is it best served frozen you like heat it up what is like i'm like giving ice cream right now what the fuck dude maybe we are millennial coded because that was like insane okay

um i want to shop less i do want to go running which is at the gym four times a week because i do want to learn how to run for what i don't know like i just feel like being able to run really fast and far away from people really quickly it's kind of a flex like that's a vibe for sure like that's just a vibe and then um wait is working on yours eat out meat

No, I want to eat less coochie this year because I feel like last year I did get kind of carried away. It was a lot. You can't stop eating me out, bro. No, you're always on the menu, bae. Yeah, okay. But what was the one before that? Eating less coochie? No, no, no, no, no. I said I want to shop less, run more. Run... Okay, well, I had a joke, but I lost it, so... Okay, and then I want to eat... Like, I want to cook more this year because I...

don't cook myself meals and that's like kind of sad but like also i don't believe in i'm with you on that and yeah yeah like i want to learn how to actually cook like i'm about to like binge watch like father kelsey sydney carlson cooking yeah no i'm like 100 with you on that just because like the amount of money i spend on food is like horrifying but then i always have that conundrum where i'm like bro like i'm

If I buy the food, the ingredients to make it like it's cost four times the amount if I just ordered it. So I might as well just order it. But then I'm not thinking properly where you buy like five chickens or whatever chicken fillets and then you make five different chicken meals. Yeah. Oh, my God. Bitch want to call me a millennial. Okay, well, I'm getting a tattoo.

And I'm going to get Fortnite across my forehead right here. I would stand by the Fortnite. No, it is not. It fell the fuck off, bro. Don't talk about that shit like that. Yeah, Fortnite fell off. Okay, well, here are my ins and outs. It's pretty lengthy. I almost posted it, but I held it back. Here are my 2024 predictions. In letting your phone die at night and waking up scared because you don't know what time it is. That's a good vibe to me.

In not wearing underwear, not in a sexy way, but just because it is a scam to keep buying underwear and I do not want to. Just wear the same pair every single day like I do. I'm not washing my underwear. Dude, your skin works are so layered. I feel like I could chip it off and it'd look like tree bar. Yeah, I was going to say like there's like now I'm not going to say that. That's gross.

I'm just so horny all the time. I'm making pre-cum that there's like a layer of pre-cum like at the base of my penis. Yeah, when you think you're as a bulge, it's like Elmer's glue when you roll it up into a ball. Standing outside with your arms crossed, staring at the sky and streets, specifically when you spent all day inside. Oh, wait, that's one of mine. Wait, you go ahead.

I was just going to say, like, I like am really into standing on the porch recently, which I did a lot last year. Like they were on to something with that. Old people are on this. No old people. We literally need to get chairs for out front and just sit there. Yeah. Just sit there. They know, like my vibe is like I was walking to Madeline and Steven's house from my parents house. And this is an end for me.

It's like when you're walking like outside, just like look up at the sky. It's like really disorienting and borderline like it gets you high. And I was having like an almost euphoric experience looking at the clouds change. And we need to bring back like pointing shapes out of the clouds like, oh, that looks like an elephant. Like, that's in for me.

sometimes y'all sometimes you sound you sound like you've been sober for a long time because anything that brings you a little joy you're like it's almost like being high well no try it like i'm just high on life now yeah i do agree um not doing shit you don't want to simply say i just don't want to do that no i'm okay thank you or please stop bothering me it's

Did you hear that? Anya, are you okay? Anya, your voice sounds crazy. Oh my god, I think I'm in hell. I literally think I'm in hell and Anya has been a sucky bitch demon that has been stalking me my whole life. What? No, because you're speaking like...

It sounds like a man's voice, right? It sounds like she's speaking 30 languages, including Latin. It sounds like a demon whispering in my ear at night. It's weird. Oh, now you're back. You're back. Oh, you know what I think it is? I think this mic might be broken. It literally is tapped into hell. I'm pretty sure. Like the screaming souls of hell. Didn't that sound like a bunch of different voices at once? Yeah. Yeah. That's what I was thinking. It sounds like a chorale of voices.

- Ooh. - Is it okay if I just use this mic because-- - This one is perfect, whatever you're doing right now. - Okay.

Well, also what's in is local news. I would like to be fear mongered based on my location. I miss just watching the news and being really scared about my surrounding neighborhood because I have not felt the fear of like a neighborhood that I've lived in for like a really long time. And I was just like, wow, we need to go back to like the 24 seven news cycle, just playing on the TV like all day and night. That's actually a good one. Out is excessive self-care.

It's just not that serious. Really? Excessive, like, oh, I microblade. I fucking ice roll. I do that, like, okay. Yeah. Bitch, when you die tomorrow, guess what? You're going to look like shit in that fucking casket because your parents are not going to get makeup by Ariel to come and beat your fucking face. So the plumpness of your face won't even matter because you're going to look like shit in your casket. So the excessive self-care is pointless. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Being drunk is out for me, which is like opposing guys wanting to drink more. Like I've never like drank and I've been like, oh, I'm so happy I drank last night. Like that was the best decision I ever made. Being drunk is just out.

Waiting in lines. Nothing is worth waiting for. That is a stark contrast from the Enya I knew two years ago. You go to Miami and you become a completely different person because you love lines. I know, but I decided like it's kind of like I'm wasting minutes. I'm never going to get back for something that like is kind of pointless. Like what am I waiting for? Like.

I'm trying to think of what I would wait in line for and I can't think of a single thing that I'm like, oh my god, I would love to wait for that. Like, I want it so bad, I'll wait for it. Vegetarian and veganism. We will all perish sooner than you realize. Be free. Yeah, no, I'm gonna start eating, like, fucking rodents and shit. Yeah, I wanna eat raw meat this year. Like, roaches.

I bet roaches, like, in 2058 are gonna, like, be a delicacy. Like, they're gonna be the only thing we can eat because they're the only thing that can survive, like, the pollution. Is there any nutritional value from a roach, though? There's gotta be protein. There's gotta be protein. Yeah, there has to be something in there. And then, um, the last two things that are out for 2024, one being travel vloggers. I don't give a fuck where you sat in the plane. Don't take a picture of it. Just get on the fucking plane in silence.

And then the last thing is limiting your screen time is out.

Just indulge in your screen time. It literally doesn't matter. We are a generation of the screen and you are not going to be the first person to break it. I don't care how many books you read because when you finish your book reading time, you will get on that phone and tell me you read. So... Yeah, bed rotting is in. Like, it's always been in and always will be in. Okay, I found out that German cockroaches contain about 78 grams of protein per 100 grams dry weight. So, like...

find 100 grams of cockroaches and you can survive that actually sounds like a lot of cockroaches to find though like but that's also crazy that means like one cockroach like one gram of cockroach contains like 0.78 like 78 of its body is essentially protein ew i just thought of you know what else contains protein oh my god what your fucking cum

What were you going to say? I was literally going to say protein powder. Like, you're weird, bro. Like, literally, what are you on about? You're always on about some, like, yo, yo, come, give me a come shit. I've never said that to you.

Well, I think I've also decided that birds are disgusting because I've seen two videos that grossed me the fuck out. One of them being like the hollow chest part. It actually makes me want to fucking kill myself. Do you know what I'm talking about? Wait, autopsies? No, like somebody moved the feathers of a bird apart and like they had like this like...

harder like shell casing and it was like where they're like making the noise from it was like a tiktok i saw i'll find it and show it to you it is fucking disgusting and then i saw how birds grow their fucking feathers i know you've been wondering how feathers grow and this is what they look like when they're brand new it's so creepy it looks a little bit weird they look like spines or some sort of

horrendous growth coming out of the bird but these are pin feathers and this is what a brand new baby feather looks like when it comes through the skin it pierces through the skin covered in this sheath which is made out of keratin the sort of stuff your nails and hair are made out of and I am not kidding birds are so fucking nasty and if you have pet birds something is actually fucking wrong with you

And that's why I say that. Yeah, no, I'm still there. I have gotten over, like, birds attacking me constantly. And I don't think they're out to get me anymore. My new fear is drones. Drones are evil. We need to, like, eradicate, like, drones. Drones are out. And not, like, war drones, like...

personal flying drones. I know what you're talking about. Oh, dude, I'm trying to find the video of this fucking bird chest and it's so gross. But every time I look a bird chest, it's like a man. Like, what's happening?

Isn't that like a term for a guy that hasn't bulked yet? It's that and there's pectus carinatum and pectus escovedum. Escovedum is when your chest goes in and you've seen the clips of people eating bowls of cereal like out of their like sternum spot.

that's excavated and then karen autumn is um when it goes out like a mountain well i'm never gonna find this video because it's only videos of men's chest but there's a video of some wait let me see can you show can you show me that are you hearing videos of hairy manchester no i just want to see it like because it's like they're all like shaved down okay actually nasty

That's how men shaving their body is out. Yeah, men who shave their body kind of freak me out, but to each their own. I feel like Kai probably shaves his chest. No, I don't. I don't shave my chest. If you shave your chest, then it grows in. This is what I've heard.

Is that if you shave your chest and ass, it's really uncomfortable because it gets itchy. Drew? Yeah, I shaved my ass when I was like 18 before. And I was like, it was probably when I was 17 because I remember being in the back. The poltergeist is literally haunting me, I swear to God. But I remember being in the back of a class like this. Why wouldn't you just use your fucking hand to itch your ass through your pants?

Because we look... I'm not saying in your butthole. I feel like every boy has gone through this once they go through puberty and their ass gets all hairy. You shave it with a razor and then you're in... Next thing you know, you're rubbing your ass against it. Girls shave their ass all the time. It's a common thing that everybody's like, oh my god, my fucking butt itches because I shaved my ass. See? I don't know stuff like that.

How about this? I've been thinking about that. Dude, that will always be the best video ever. It's like prophetic. It's literally like genius. Because it really does make you think. I want to know so badly if he meant that with like his whole heart or if he was just like being funny.

Because if he meant it, that's crazy. But if he made that as a joke, that is the funniest joke I've ever heard told in our time. It is so good. Well, also on the last episode, you talked about the Sephora thing. And I was like, what are you talking about? I've been seeing all the TikToks about the rowdy ass fucking annoying children who go into Sephora. So I think my resolution this year is if any Sephoras need somebody to stand at the front door and kick a 10-year-old in the head, I will take the job.

You can't kick 10 year olds in the head. Well, support can write into their guidelines that if a 10 year old crosses that entryway line that I can kick them in the head, then I think I technically can. I'm so scared of, yeah, like I'm so scared. Of me? Yes. Oh, good.

We should have just called the podcast ED Podcast. That's what I was thinking. Because, like, emergency intercom is, like, so long. And then if we called it ED, it's Enya Drew Podcast. No, no, no. Then we could have had, like, I love ED for merch. I feel like that wouldn't have gone over super well. That is, like, maybe the worst thing you've ever said. It's just our initials. No, it's Eating Disorder.

Yeah, because we're eating this order. We're eating the order that was served to us. Frozen. Why do you say? Why am I giving ice cream? I'm giving ice cream right now. Try it with your ins and outs. Did you do yours already, Drew? Yeah.

I don't have any. I told you I ought to write them, and I didn't write them. Okay, I'll do my ends. A24 movies. You know when you see that logo, it's going to be a good-ass movie. Okay, just keep going. Matt Rife, Goat.

okay keep going because i this might be is this for your 2023 2024 um this is 2024 um uh being a male pick me the bell jar give us give it wait kai give us like your best male pick me energy right now he did it he's been doing it for the past 36 minutes for the past like 20 episodes if you if you have noticed okay um

What else is in, Kai? Oh, the bell jar. My year of rest and relaxation. Anything really by Joan Didion. Omnipresent surveillance by governments is in, guys. We're going to see more of this as time goes on. And we're going to be losing more and more of our privacy rights. Me being the baby of the group is in. I think we can all agree that that is in. Say I'm baby. I'm baby. I'm literally baby. Okay.

2006 Xbox era lag switches. Oh, shit. We should do... I don't know what that is. Oh, dude, it was like this... It was like these electronic switches that you would connect to your Xbox to, like, fuck up the internet connection. And then you could, like, headshot people because you would, like, lag around and stuff.

It was basically a wage. It would shut everyone's internet off for as long as you wanted, and it would lag everybody in the game, and you could just go and sweat and stomp all over the lobby. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to do one more in. Sprite. Sprite is in, guys. Sprite Lemon Lime is refreshing. It tastes good, and it's super cheap.

Is this an ad read for Sprite that you're like throwing in here? I have to drink it for the super good. Okay, I'm going to do my outs. Wait, McDonald's Sprite's tasting like electricity. Tastes like TV static. You didn't even finish it. You didn't even finish it though. If it's so good, finish it. Chug it, Kai. Finish the Sprite. And then eat a banana. No, I can't. Eat a banana. You should have a bite of a banana. Take half of the Sprite. Finish the banana.

Is that like a thing? It's like bad or something? No, it's no, it literally like apparently it like cures cancer or something. Oh, I don't know about I didn't know about that. Okay, out. Sambas, they're cooked. I think we can all agree that sambas are cooked. Ketamine therapy is out. Everyone who did it has severe brain damage, including me.

Okay. I'm sorry. Locking in is out because a lot of people do ketamine therapy. Wait, what? Locking in? Locking in. Oh, like lock in. Locking in. Because ketamine therapy and now your brain is all melted and you can no longer lock in.

Federal Reserve raising interest rates. I think we're done raising interest rates in 2024. Inflation is now under control and we're going to stimulate the economy and we're going to see equities soar in 2024. So those are my ins and outs.

Oh, well, I came up with a few while we were sitting here. They're not nearly as good as yours, Kai. But you had some really great ones. Okay. I have one out and it's fentanyl poisoning. Why are you laughing? Was that ever in? Yeah, I was rooting for it. Oh, okay. You might be the only one who was like...

Like, this needs to catch on. I think ins and outs is, like, kind of like, oh, my God, trends. Oh, well, yeah. Well, then fentanyl poisoning is in. Like, is that what y'all want me to say? No, no. Like, it's just, like, why? Okay, keep going. Okay, in Lana Del Rey. Okay. And being happy. Um...

Are you just going to smile to be happy? As the prophet Cameron Dallas once said, don't be depressed. Just smile. Just smile. You have such like a creepypasta smile.

No, this is my real smile. I don't know if I never learned how to smile or if I have so much buccal fat or so much collagen in my skin that like I can't smile. Like my teeth, like I feel like they're like too far back in my mouth. You're so Edgar Allen Poe like coded. That's not a good smile. You're making that up. That's not your real smile. This is my real, I swear to God, this is my real smile. How do you smile for a photo? Like this.

No. I swear to God, look at any picture of me smiling. You look like you're a cold case that just got solved thanks to the new DNA, but you're like, case has been cold since 1831. No, I swear, this is how I smile. I don't know. That's how I smile for a photo. I'm like... Aw, Kai, you smile. Aw. Wait, did you... Why did she leave? Oh.

Alright guys. No. Don't get to talk. I didn't even get into my. I didn't even let it start. I feel like I didn't even have a chance.

My ins are when friends seem like they need help and that extra zhuzh to keep them going, just ignore it. Because taking on people's emotions is really hard for yourself. And especially if you're in a good place, you shouldn't be helping other people because they're just going to bring you back down. So if you've gone up and your friends are still behind, you should keep going because if that friend really cared for themselves, they would just catch up. Mm-hmm.

a big out for me is working with friends so you might see this year that I'm just like distancing myself and like kind of focusing on myself and if you see a podcast where it's just a girl only a girl um and the girl is money should we announce our podcast together kai

oh yeah we announced it right now let's do it all right on three one two three money angels bitches video games well that's the name it's called your podcast four four four oh that's like four four four um okay uh would y'all get a tattoo of me if i died

Yes, but not of your face. No, like what would your tattoo be? Oh, would I get another tattoo of you? I guess is the question. I don't tell them about the first one. The brand or. Oh, when you branded him, that's not that's not really like a friendship tattoo. That's kind of like ownership. Have we ever talked about on the podcast how like a week into me knowing Drew, he like my God branded me and like carved something into my skin.

No, but it sounds like something he'd have you do and sign an NDA for. It was fully consensual. Oh, it was super consensual. But the thing is, no, we haven't talked about it. I don't think we're ready to talk about it because the way you reacted was borderline depressing. And it got infected and that's why you can never see the lower half of your body.

It was also a QR code, so there was a lot of detail. Yeah, it was a QR code. Oh, that's what I would do. I would get a QR code, and it would be a link to a TikTok of you and me, Drew. Like, actually, though, because I think, like, for you and me, I would probably get a bunny. And for Kai, I haven't really thought about it too much, but probably the Nike logo. Okay, why? Why the Nike logo? I'm a big Nike guy. You love Nike.

I don't really like Nike that much. I feel like you guys don't even know me. You're always wearing Nike. I don't remember the last time I wore Nike. Aren't the sandy shoes Nike? The ones with sand in them? No, those are Asics. Wait, I saw someone do like pick your... It was like pick your favorite emergency intercom moment and the sandy shoe was one of them. I think about that and it is crazy how that wasn't scripted in my shoe. It was not like...

Like, why was it full of sand? Had you gone to the beach or, like... I guess it's because when you get to that age, you're just slowly deteriorating. So I bet when you kick off your clothes, at the end of the day, like, you shake it and it's just, like, little ashes. Wait, Kai, I would probably get, like... I could get the Glossier logo. I think that would be, like, kind of iconic. But, like, then you'd kind of just look like a billboard for Glossier. I don't know if anybody would be like, oh, my God, Kai Newman bootleg Glossier hoodie that he...

always logo oh the prius would be good what about like a big like what about the spongebob where he has a bunch of cash and he has like grills to represent oh you know what you could do yeah you could get like a dove leaving a cage because you're freed now that he's dead yeah you're like oh you're free okay not not kai's free but drew's free

That's not what I was saying. I was saying that Kai was free. I think I would get a little anemone. For Drew, I would get a little anemone. Have you ever seen the Korean tattoo artists who do little anemones and sea creatures and color? Yeah.

I would get one of those for you. Oh, my in this year is Kai should become a father, but by accident and it should be big drama. I would actually make a very good dad. Like I genuinely do believe that. But then who's going to edit the podcast? The baby. Like think about us. The baby.

a baby's already editing the podcast. So you can teach a baby how to edit it. Okay. Last thing I need to talk about something that was freaking me the fuck out is food eating competitions. Like why did we let that happen in society? And also food eating competition, like vloggers who just go around to random restaurants and set up the camera and eat food. Like, have you watched the way they eat food? It is genuinely,

so fucking scary they're like scarfing it down and there's this one girl who's buff as fuck who eats hella food okay but Matt Stone I think it's Matt Stone Matt Stoney he's like a youtuber that eats for everything he's go he's like in Kobayashi when you'd eat all the hot dogs really quick and then the cheater there was like a big cheating scandal like I kept up with the food eating contest how do you even cheat like

because like you would stuff like someone stuffed a bunch of like the hot dog bread inside of their water cup so they were just eating the hot dogs hot dogs and then like he won and then they watched the footage back after they like crowned him champ and they were like oh wait like he cheated and it was like a big thing in the food eating world um but yeah kobayashi's the goat he

he will always be my go matt stone does it in his car right matt stoney like he uh no he's like a youtuber he's been doing it on youtube i think i might be thinking of somebody else because i remember there was like an og youtuber who used to just like eat a bunch of food in his car like a shit ton of food um but i might be thinking of someone else but like it is so weird and then there's always like this one girl i was watching there's always an audience that gathers around her

And, like, they watch her and, like, cheer her on. Is she on TikTok? Yeah. Yeah, I've stumbled upon her before. It was genuinely freaking me out. Like... I was gonna say there's this dude that I've been keeping up with and I was telling you about him, like, a few weeks ago, how he had, like, like, right before we left, like, there were people that just, like, genuinely hate him for absolutely no reason. And he would, like, uh...

He would go to restaurants and people would like follow him around the country and like watch him eat while he's live on TikTok. And that's like his whole thing. And he just eats for free. Imagine being a groupie for like a food eater. Yeah, that's another level of like... Well, okay, let's be honest. Like...

Since I am eating so often, like technically emergency intercom fans are like watching me every time they watch me, they watch me eat and devour the competition. I think you eat all the time, Drew. I think you always look amazing. Can you put me back? Guy, I don't know how to make you come back.

Where did Drew go? Drew's camera just went black. He didn't even like turn on his camera. What the hell? Why is my camera gone? It's whenever you move. It's whenever you move. Drew, why are the lights off? I don't know. The lights just went off, but I found a flashlight that has a black light. And I was like, oh, like, look, like, oh, don't come on my hands. I don't know if that's that funny. Like, it would make it makes sense. Oh, what was that? Yeah.

China on your face again. Why? Because we can't see. Oh, well, there's like what? There's like a ton of cum on your face. It's like a lot. Well, I can't even see what are you talking about? What do you know? There's all over your face. Why would you wash your face? I got to go. Oh.

Are you going to wash her face at least? Or just leave it on? Are you going to shut the fuck up or something? There's just a bunch of... There's just a ton of cum all over you. Okay, and I get play. You're probably jealous. Oh, you wish. It's basically like slugging. You ever heard of slugging? That is so gross. What do you do when it dries? Just peel it off like Elmer's glue on my palm of my hand. Drew, why would you not...

Clean the cum off of your face before you... I literally just said it's good for my skin. Drew, how often... Where'd you get that information? How often is your face covered in cum when we shoot these videos? Literally every single time. Do you, like, have to? Is that your, like, pre-show remedy? No, it's just... It's on all day, every day. Have you ever noticed why I don't go out to parties as much anymore? Because this exact conversation would be happening. Oh, because I... God forbid there's a black light. Like...

guy who can't go to parties because everybody is gonna know he has cum all over his face and seen guys i wanted to make sure because it's kind of looking very real i don't know if anybody would have believed you were just sitting in your sister's house with cum all over your face but this does feel really nice all right well should we get into media

Yes. It's a bunch of Vaseline. I literally am slugging right now. Well, I watched Beef and it was fucking awesome. I watched every episode in like seven hours and it was freaking lit. It was so good that she called me. She literally called me and was like, Drew, you have to watch this show. Yeah, it was really fucking good. And what movie did I watch?

I watched The Liberals Ruined Everything. Oh, The Liberals Ruined Christmas? It's this documentary. Wait, is that real? No. No, but I kind of talked about it. What else did you watch? I was going to say I watched Salt Burn and I didn't like it that much. You're so different. I know, that's what I feel like. Both you and Kai are so different. I feel really annoying because the only people in my life who didn't like it are like

straight men who were like me and that's exactly i texted i texted drew i was like i was so angry i was like no i know like okay but imagine if it was two girls that would be with boobs bouncing they wouldn't be talked about more the the girl version of salt burn is handmaiden and that's a good fucking movie that movie is fucking lit

I still haven't seen Soul Bay and I don't know if I ever will see Soul Bay just because everyone is telling me to go see it.

Oh, is it really? Yeah, that's where I watched it. I will say, what's his name? Barry Keegan is the main actor, right? Yeah, he ate. He's good as fuck. He was amazing. I saw something that he jumped through. I think he had 20 different foster families or something. This could be misinformation, but he had 20 different foster families and then had just a really, really rough upbringing. Is that when he got Killing of a Sacred Deer?

Was that his first big one? I think that was like his first big role. I will say everybody in it, like their acting was on 10. I just like didn't, I didn't like the ending. Like, I don't know. I just was like, okay, like there's so many shows and movies that have a take on like

the class divide and that's just like not my best take on it like that's not my favorite take on it it was a good movie but i was just like by the end i was like okay wasn't the take that like the middle class guy is the bad guy and the rich one percenters are like the good ones isn't that wasn't it like middle class people are liars like i walked out of that movie being like oh i guess the middle class i walked out of that movie being like oh bisexual people are evil

that was like the start of by erasure i was like oh okay um okay so he revealed that he lived in 13 different foster homes um every family was good to him as a kid you don't know what's happening you get attached and then boom let's move over here he told ireland's the late show

He remained with his biological brother the entire time he lived with various families. He was doing impressions a bunch for print calls and stuff. Then he landed his first role in 2011 for a crime drama, Between the Canals. And apparently he called the director and

Every single day until for weeks until he cast him. But yeah, so he was. Yeah, that's a crazy come up story. Yeah, so he did bounce around foster homes, which is like, that's like next level shit. Like, it's super cool. He has the most World War II face. Yeah, for real. Yeah, no, literally. He looks like he should only be playing in movies set in like 1841. He would have killed Common Seed.

He would have bodied that role. I haven't seen it. I don't think I've seen anything with him ever, maybe. Or no, his face is familiar. I've seen him around in something. Yeah. But...

What was I going to say? The movie that I watched, I talked about it briefly, where I was just like, damn, dude, that's a goddamn movie, was Poor Things. Kai, have you seen it yet? Dude, I thought Poor Things was so fucking good. Was it not incredible? It was so good. I've been feeling so jaded because I'll keep on watching new movies and just be like, no, that was mid. And then I'm just like, oh, I guess I'm the asshole because I've...

said this about like the last eight movies and then I saw that and I was like I don't know I was just really blown away by it kind of reminded me of like the Pan's Labyrinth era of movies yes exactly there's so much attention to detail the story it was so weird the set design was like fucking incredible like I will say like the first 20 minutes of the movie I was like oh no like oh my god like no like

please don't do that like this is crazy and then and then after like the story developed and the plot developed a little bit I was like oh word this is what this movie is about like holy shit and I don't want to spoil anything for anybody who hasn't seen it because apparently no one's seen it because it's not doing very well in the box office but like

please go watch that movie. And like, maybe I just have like man brain syndrome where everybody was like, Barbie's so good. Like, because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like maybe that's the same case, but like, I feel like the subject matter in this and the way it was like, um, spoken about was like very nuanced and like, wasn't like hitting the, I don't know. Like it wasn't like, I don't know. It was just good. Also like Emma Stone, uh,

boobs and vagina I think that's probably why we like it honestly if I'm gonna wait wait wait does she show her boobs and vagina because I need to go see it ironically I don't know if it's really hers but like there is a bunch of s in that movie and that's when it was like really funny to me at points was like when s was happening like

It wasn't like sex. It was genuinely funny times to be doing ass. I don't know. It was great. Okay, so I need to see it. Then the last thing

is fucking Grey's Anatomy oh my god I love Grey's Anatomy and I don't know why none of y'all told me that this show was perfectly engineered and made for me but like it's legitimately like the best show I've ever seen to me like everything that happens in that show like it's horrible like duh like it's not good but like

It is so good. Like I can't, I don't know how to describe it. Like I need to start it. It's like medical and like love shit. And like, it's all so like crosses or should cross your suspension of disbelief, but it doesn't. And like a lot of like the medical things that happen,

and then you're like girl come on like that shit did not happen that person did not have toxic blood and it just killed like 30 hospital staff because they did surgery on them and then you look it up and there is a real case of that happening yeah there is a case of it with that woman who had like meth or something in her system yeah and it like yeah there's just like a bunch of medical cases that are really cool and there's just like a bunch of love stories and like also like I can't tell if I'm just like

in love with every one of the cast members because they're all like so hot or maybe they're not and I'm literally just tripping but like some of the acting is like really really like amazing I'm pretty sure some really good like actors walked away from that like um yeah like some of the main casts are now like really good actors huge huge huge do I look good because one of my ends this year or resolutions is active listening and I'm thinking like

Oh, yeah, you've been good. You've been good. I mean, that's a little intense, though. It's a little bit. Don't do that. Why? Don't do that. I just have a sniffle, but I'm going to like... Drew, have they introduced... You look like Wendy Williams when you do that. Drew, have they introduced McSteamy yet?

oh duh like that's one of the originals or i thought that he was like season two yeah yeah i remember when he told he has he i think he was introduced in season one but he's big season two guy and season three guy um but he's just as fine it's um jacob lord he's dad then euphoria oh yeah um

I was telling Inya, but she's not actively listening. Sorry, guys. By the time you watch this, my Mew Mew post will be up, but I have to post for Mew Mew right now. So I've been looking down at my phone to see if they approve of me. Such an insane life. Like, so insane. But yeah, McSteamy is fine as fuck. Yeah, go like that shit right now. Guys, go like my IG posts.

Okay, I'm going to do media so we can get off because I literally have to finger this out. Crazy World by King Ghidorah. Give Me Love by George Harrison. Walking Across the Field by Steve Height. And Cure for Pain by Morphine. And Drop Top by Anissia. That's my fucking media of the fucking week.

Oh, mine is intro Lawrence guy toy visible clocks. Actually, instead of reading all these songs off, go listen to F R R

K-W-Y-S Volume 15 Serenitatum. This whole album is insane, like weird esoteric music, but like toy, T-O-I, Visible Cloaks is like crazy. But it's like a collaborative album between three like weird ass musicians and they make just so weird, like such good music.

Alright, guys. Okay. Great job on the episode today, guys. Peace and love. Good job, Kai. You killed it. Thanks.