The Areas Tour - Live in Indianapolis 6/4/24
01:14:25 Share

Did you know that one in four people in Los Angeles County struggles with hunger? Eating healthy, balanced meals is essential for kids to learn and grow. That's why Anthem Blue Cross and Common Threads have teamed up to help schools across the country learn about healthier food preparation. Here in Los Angeles, they're joined by the LA Sparks and will provide education, recipes, and knowledge to students and families about healthier meal options. Visit anthem.com slash ca slash sparks to learn more.

Anthem Blue Cross is the trade name of Blue Cross of California. Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by MeUndies. It's fall time. Oh, yay! I'm packing up MeUndies right now. I'm packing MeUndies. And Anthony's packing MeUndies. It's not Mr. Shin!

Pack your MeUndies with something other than poop. MeUndies has something for every guy this fall. Their fabric is breathable and comfortable, especially the ball caddy, although Anthony could use the caddy on the other side. You know what I'm saying? You can wear it backwards and it still works. If you never thought you needed a special pouch for your parts or the parts coming out of you, take the hundreds of five-star reviews as your sign that this could be your new favorite box to brief. MeUndies was advertising even all the way back on Storybreak.

And me, Matt, and Will all changed to MeUndies like overnight. It was fantastic. - Yeah. - For your boxers, do you guys poop through the gate or over the fence? - Yeah. - That's the worst thing you've ever said. - MeUndies has a cut for every guy's butt over 10 different styles ranging from boxer briefs to jock straps to their special pouch underwear called the Ball Caddy, which keeps you from bat-winging ever again. These cuts come in over 100 different colors and prints ranging from black to all over dinosaurs.

MeUndies also isn't just underwear. They got lounge collection featuring joggers, hoodies, onesies, and more. Yeah, don't say all over right now, please. It's going to be all over for the dinosaurs when Anthony drops his asteroid on him, dude. It's breathable, stretchy, and also comfy, making that deal for all-day wear. They use sustainably sourced materials and work with partners that care for their workers.

If you're not happy with your first pair, it's on them. Be your most comfortable self this fall with MeUndies. Get 20% off your first order plus free shipping at MeUndies.com slash dungeons. That's MeUndies.com slash dungeons for 20% off plus free shipping. MeUndies, comfort from the outside in. Hey folks, Freddy here. We've had some of the team, myself among them, dealing with some health issues these past couple of weeks. Like I think I had COVID for a bit.

I can still smell and taste, but dang, I was tired. Anyway, season three will continue on our next episode. In the meantime, we want to give you a little taste of the incredible time we had doing live shows earlier this year on the Dungeons and Daddies Areas Tour. So you're about to hear our show in Indianapolis. Now, theater of the mind is all well and good, but if you want theater of the eyes...

If you want to see us on stage, the video of this show is available to all Patreon supporters at any level right now on our Patreon. There's a few other live shows on there as well, so peep those, as well as a slew of extra bonus content, one-shots, main series, you know the drill. That's at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. And European listeners, still tickets available for the European tour at the beginning of October.

October, dungeonsanddaddies.com slash live for more info on that. Thanks for listening. Thank you for listening to the spiel at the beginning of the podcast. I hate it when my podcast does spiel at the beginning. Anyway, thanks, everybody. We'll be back with more season three in two weeks. In the meantime, enjoy Dungeons and Daddies live from Indianapolis. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups.

And this is a live show, so who knows what's gonna happen? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage for the first time, Will Kampa! He's just a cool guy you can toss a ball around with. Let's hear it for Mel! Everybody's favorite! You already know who I'm talking about. Let's give it up one more time. Hey! Hey!

And last but not least, the most electrified DM in the Dungeons & Dragons game, let's hear it for Anthony Burge! I'm Freddie Wong and we're here to rock your pants off using the improvised dice mechanics of the game Dungeons & Dragons. Hello everybody, good evening Indianapolis!

and welcome to dungeons and daddies live the areas tour we've been all been down the midwest but what a what a crowd what a welcome it's very loud you're all very loud you know that my name is freddie wong i play glenn close the rock and roll bar dad of the podcast today's glenn fact you see

Glenn is a huge, Glenn Close trio, huge in the Minneapolis indie scene. Indianapolis. Sorry, the Indianapolis. I got your hand, don't worry. No one heard. No one heard. No one heard it. Back it up, back it up. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies. Indianapolis scene. And by that, and by that, we mean, of course, the indie scene in Annapolis, New York.

Maryland. Good save. Good save. But you know what? But he does know someone from Indiana. His weed dealer. This guy named Gary Indiana. He's a real sleazeball. Real sleazeball. Old Gary can always trust on him to do illegal shit. Hey everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, the stay-at-home coach dad of the group. I...

I got to be honest. They were saying you guys are loud, but I don't know if it's the tall ceilings or it's just my age, but honestly, you guys, I've been hearing you're the mellowest crowd, and I got to say, it sounds like it. It sounds like it. Can you? Yeah. Come on. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Come on. There you go. Anyways, a little Daryl fact. The reason he loves this city is because it's nap town and how mellow you all are. It's very nice. Very nice and chill. Nice little quiet town. He takes a nap here on road trips, and everything closes at 7. It's wonderful.

Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak. Woo! Woo!

Henry is a crunchy, munchy, Birkenstock rocket, hippie nature, druid dad. Fun fact about... Ooh, okay. Yeah. Okay. My goodness. My Henry fact this week for you all and for you out there and for anyone listening at home. There's no one listening at home. Nobody. Henry is a big, big fan of Notre Dame football. Wait, wait, wait. He does pronounce it Notre Dame.

And he does think it's the other type of football, like soccer. He's a fan of the French national soccer team is what I'm saying. And you might be asking yourself, but wait a second, I thought Henry canonically hates French people. That's true. The only people he hates more are University of Michigan. Fuck you, man! Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler. Woo!

Emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron. Ron's favorite place, favorite state, favorite area, whatever you might call it. Absolutely Indiana. Because he found out recently that over 50% of your cropland is porn. Oh, wow.

He still likes it. Hi, I'm Anthony. Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hi, Dad. Yeah! Pew, pew, pew, pew. My dad fact for this show is this is the fourth show. Fourth. For our tour. And the previous three sucked ass. They did. Yeah. We really shit the bed. Well, it's not so much that we shit the bed, it's so much that the cities we were in shit the bed. But tonight, we are in Indianapolis, Indiana, the greatest city in the world. Yeah.

Okay, so we're here to play something like Dungeons & Dragons. What we are going to do is, there are six different modules that I have laid out on this table. I've prepared these beforehand, and we are going to rely on you, the audience, and Random Chance to determine which of these six we do. So starting with Freddy, if we roll a one, what are we going to play? If we roll a one, or if you roll a one, we are going to play...

Actual D&D. No! Boo!

Anthony, I knew you were a sick fuck, but I had no idea. That's the first boo we've gotten other than when one makes a pun. If you roll a two, we will be playing Ocean's Dad Levin. Yeah, that's good. If you roll a three, we will be playing Jerdassic Park. If we roll a four, we will be playing Dads Against Humanity.

If you find folks roll a five, we'll be playing The Great Dad Bait. Like debate. Oh. It's not just us jerking each other off for 90 minutes. The Great Dad Bait? No, no, no, no. The Great Dad Bait. Or can we? If we roll a six, we will be playing Call of Daddy. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha.

If we get that one, you're getting a whole new Freddy tonight. I literally, the entire time I was writing that, I was like, this is just for Freddy. There's five of us on stage, but it's just going to be Freddy's show. Wait, so is that like a pun of Call of the Wild? Call of Duty. Oh,

The video game. I wish there were more wolves on this show. No. So in addition to the decision you're about to make with the dice, you also have one more big job tonight. And that is, anytime a roll doesn't go the way that you wanted it to go, you as a hive mind, as a crowd, are all going to collectively decide to give inspiration to the person who rolled Let Them Roll Again. And the way you're going to signal that is by all together going, Inspiration! Inspiration!

Inspiration. Inspiration. Those... Nope. Nope. Whoever in the back... Out of here. Kick him out. You should be happy you're not in... Are you in this university? Because you should not be in this university. Just three. If any of you make a sound for the fourth one, you don't get inspiration. We end the show immediately. Yeah. High stakes. Okay. We should say you get to do that one time. Oh, yeah. Sorry. It's only once.

One per city, and none of the other cities have used it well. No. But India, I feel good. I feel like this is going to be the night. It saves our butts. Yeah. Hold on. Hold on. That's a six. That's a six. Call of Duty. Call of Duty. No, you can't take this from Freddy now. You would break his heart. I'm still going to pretend it was Call of the Wild.

Sorry I got to respect Glenn to be a tier one operator. Okay, so let's see what I... Legion experience, yes. Canonically, where are we in this show? Canonically, which Call of Duty game does this take place in? Oh, yeah. Has Makarov returned? It's between Modern Warfare 2 and 3, after No Russian, before Makarov gets hanged by Captain Price, our favorite character in history fiction. Oh, okay. Is this really quick?

Is this a show for 20 of you now? Who? Okay. For the militarization of our nation's police forces. Okay. You are in Walter's ready room. Yes! Walter. Hey, Walt. I didn't know you had a ready room. Now he's got me ready, baby.

Walter, why did you not tell me about this earlier? My goodness, look at this wall. Look at this wall full of custom weapons. We could have been using this the whole time, Walter. You could have, but they're only for special cases. Like a special case I'm going to send you out on today. Spec ops operations. I'm all ears. Give me the mission briefing, Walter. Happily. All right. You guys are into this, right?

I mean, I have complex feelings about the military-industrial complex, Glenn. Like what, Henry? What feelings could you possibly have? It's cool. I just feel like violence isn't the answer and guns are not the answer either. Peyton punches you.

Payton, this is what I'm video games are a bad influence. Can we have a teachable moment for one second? Oh, I love a teachable moment. Teachable moments are the answer, Glenn. Payton, come over here. Can you come over here? Okay. Can you explain to Henry what you were feeling and what your behavior was after you had that feeling? I felt like you saying that violence doesn't solve anything was a bitch move. Okay. And I just want to make sure you understand, Payton, that's okay feeling to have.

Oh, great, because I have it. But then what did you do with that feeling? I showed him. Now, Peyton, how would you like it if I showed you? I would love it. Bring it on. Okay. I will equalize you. Okay, Peyton. Let's save the rest of this teachable moment for a more moment that's teachable. Fucking ready to rock. I'm cocked, locked, and loaded. Go on, Walter. Peyton, come here. Yeah, what's up?

Have I told you about the concept of violence of action? No. All right, so this is a doctrine that states that whenever you're facing a situation in adverse scenarios, your highest percentage likelihood of survival is to immediately apply a lot of violence.

Violence of action allows you to take command and the initiative from the situation. And what you did there, Payden, that's exactly what we're talking about. That's the kind of thinking that we're going to need on this mission. Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, come here. And Payden takes you away from the group. And he goes, you're my favorite. Hey, Payden, Payden, come here. Payden, Payden, come here, buddy. Oh, yeah, go talk to Ron. What is it, Ron? Where's the wolf, man?

And who's calling? My cell phone isn't ringing at all. If anybody can pay attention to the briefing, please. Okay, Walter. What's up? Glenn leans back in his chair and has a small notepad to take notes. So the lights go down. Takes off his wraparound bolay shades. And a lantern ignites, projecting a satellite image. Satellite is the name of Walter's dragon photographer friend.

Onto the wall of the tent. Oh, that's quite pretty. I like that. How fresh is this intel, Walter? I would say 48 hours. Copy, 48 hours. It was about three clicks from here. Roger that. Copy, 48 hours. Am I supposed to be taking notes like Glenn? Yes, everyone should be. I think Glenn can take notes for everybody. No, I'll take notes.

You're familiar with Faerun's most wanted list, correct? No, let's pretend we aren't. Well, it's pretty self-explanatory. There's a lot of people who are wanted in Faerun. What? Most wanted? Not like that, Ron. But hey, if there was one like that, you'd be on the top of it for me. Oh, yeah, they're horny for the Ronster. Wanted sexually, of course. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, maybe.

So Intel suggests, Intel is my ogre friend, that state enemy number one has just come out of hiding. His name is, or their name is. Tattoos. What's your name? Their name is. What are your pronouns? They're a piece of shit. Romine is enemy number one. Last time he surfaced, he detonated a fireball in the center of a crowded village, and he's planning something even bigger this time.

Intel told me he's got hostages. We haven't received a ransom, so who knows what he wants them for? We got a hostage operation and we don't have any intel in terms of what the demands are? It's a dark mission. You're sending us in dark? I'm sorry, but you're the best. If anybody can do it, it's you. What's the mission objective? The mission is to infiltrate Romine's base, free the hostages, and eliminate Romine. Who's hostages? What do we know about them?

Uh, they're innocent. Okay. Walter, really quick. How do you know all this? Yeah, Walter, what is your role here? My friend Intel, he's an ogre. He goes around, he's a snitch. He just goes around seeing what's going on. And he tells me because I like to listen to you. And for Romine, when you say eliminate, you mean...

Okay. Yeah, okay. I mean, that could be... No, I understand. Yeah, it's not going to be a real good time to teach Hayden about not having violence. Reject your orders, hostages first, then deal with them. All right, so hostages are number one priority. So we kill our hostages. Sorry, what were you going to say, Henry? That's why the order is important.

No, I was just, you know, I'm just here to listen and observe. And, you know, I consider myself a bit of a conscientious objector on the violence front. Henry can be our war photographer. That way he can take cool pictures of us doing sick black ops missions. Do we have, yeah, I'm going to be your war photographer. Can we assign Henry like a small elf to draw pictures of our sweet mission? Yeah, that's great. Let me get a camera. And he goes to the wall and picks out a box with a small goblin in it with a bunch of paint.

And the goblin's like, what do you want me to take a picture of? The truth, goblin. The truth. A tear rolls down the goblin's eye. He goes, finally, someone with vision. Um...

Where was I? Okay, yeah. Hold on, I get some high-speed paper and paint for the goblin to paint on. How come Henry gets a special job and I'm just supposed to worry about not killing hostages? What's my special job? You have a special job. Yeah, what is it? What if you were the hostage negotiator?

We do need a negotiator. Given that our primary objective is hostage rescue, we will try and go in soft. But as always, I'll be ready to go loud at any moment. Daryl, what position are you taking on the fire team? I mean, Walter, it sounds like you're giving out positions. Do I get one? Yeah, yeah. I think you are the heart. Ha ha!

Wow. Okay. Wow, congrats, man. That's pretty cool. Just militarily, what does that mean? Militarily, you're in charge. Oh! What? He's in charge? Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. Hey, Glenn, I know you want to be in charge, but you work best as a lone wolf bucking against authority. You're right. A lone wolf? You're the wolf. Wolf. Wolf.

Oh my gosh. Your code name will be Balto. Balto. Roger. Are we doing code names? I'm call sign Balto. Roger that. Making a note of it. I'll be Balto. Ron, your code name is Anastasia. Okay. Anastasia. Got it. Got it. Daryl, your code name is Henry. Okay. Okay. Wait, and sorry, I'm Henry and then Glenn was what? Glenn is Balto. And then who am I? You are the fox from Robin Hood.

Box from Robin Hood. Okay. I can handle that. Believe me. And Peyton. Ding Chavez. Ding Chavez. Ding Chavez of Rainbow Six for the five people that have read Rainbow Six in the audience.

Hey, Glenn. Glenn, it seems like you know the most of what you're doing, but I've been made in charge. I gotta ask, does it help if I, like, tell you the opposite of what you want to do, and then you, like, fight me for it? Does that get you, like, does that pump you up? Yeah, I'm gonna need you to give mission commands, but I need you to know right now that at the end of the day, when push comes to shove and I have a perp in my crosshairs, go or no go, I'm getting the mission done. God damn it, Balto, you're such a fucking live wire. LAUGHTER

This is what I want. This is what I'm talking about. Whatever you do, don't pull the trigger until I say you can. You're going to have to wrap your fingers around my fingers to stop me from pulling the trigger. You want to try that again, asshole? You want to speak? You want to speak?

Yeah, yeah, I do. If you want to stop me from firing, you're going to have to take the safety off yourself, motherfucker. Give me that gun. No. Give me that gun. You have to rest it for my cold dead hands. Guys, guys. Actually, really quick timeout. Timeout. Glenn, can I see the gun, though? Oh, yeah, yeah. What do you need? It's my only gun. It's an assault rifle. You can either take a flashbang, a bleaching charge, or that assault rifle. I'm going to need a flashbang in case I want to do flash photography, so I'll take that.

Yeah. Oh, that's a good idea. That's a good idea. Okay. Well, I'll just give you all three. Why am I making you choose? I think we're going to Fox from, hey, really quick, Henry. That's me. The Fox from Robin Hood. Fox from Robin Hood. From Robin Hood. It's pretty hard to say. Can I just call you Foxy? Foxy. Yes, you may. All right, Foxy. All right. Henry. Who? Henry. Yes. Yes. There we go. Sorry. I don't listen to fucking idiots. Sorry.

God damn it, that's why you're my team leader. What do you want, Balto? Balto requests the third person humbly be the gun.

Could I have the gun, please? This is actually, believe it or not, that's how SEAL Team 6 does it. They go around and everyone gets their hurt fix. Please may I have the gun? You can have the gun, but not because I like you or because I respect you. But you're the best goddamn shooter we got of guns. You with guns are really good. You don't respect him? You are so good at guns compared to all of us. This is what you want to see from a Dungeons and Daddies show, right? Yeah. Yeah.

All right, Walter. Locked and loaded. One more thing. If they spot you, there's a good chance they'll try to kill the hostages. So try to be silent and deadly. Oh, that's stealth mission. Guys, do you think we're the... Sorry, not a timeout again. Do you think we're the best ones to do this then? I think we're the best team in the whole world. I think there's nothing we can't do together. Anastasia, that's why you're the heart.

Well, I'm not the heart. Oh, shit. Who's the heart? You're the heart. You're the heart and the leader. All right, we can do it. I'm the brains. Okay, Ron. I'm pretty sure they said you were the hostage negotiator. Yeah, that's the brain. You need to have brains to negotiate. Yeah. And can I have a big phone, too? A phone? Well, how am I going to negotiate? Oh. If I can't talk to Romine the perp. Romine. Yeah. Romine the perp.

Romain, right? Romain. Romain. Romain. I'm going to write it phonetically. I don't know why I said that in Ron voice. It's a very cool name and I'm sorry we're getting it wrong so much. Hi, this is Farnoosh Tarabi, host of the Webby winning podcast, So Money. If you're aiming for a goal, be it saving for a house, growing your family or retiring, life makes it difficult to stay the course. But with a dedicated Merrill advisor, you get a personalized plan and a clear path forward. Having the bull

Okay. One ride on Satellite the Dragon later. Walter, where's his phone?

Well, here. My team has for one simple piece of equipment. He gives you two cans with an infinite amount of string between them. Here you go, Anastasia. You could also use it as a garage. Payton, I think this is your job. I hand him the other side. Yeah, comms officer. Roger. Nice. Wait, who's Roger? Roger.

Is Roger coming? That's my codename, Roger. Roger, okay, Roger, Roger. I got your codename down. Daryl Henry.

I know that we may not be the best. Who's Daryl? Henry. And Fox. Yes? That's the last time you call me my goddamn wrong name, you hear me? When Mission Timer is at zero, we switch completely to codenames. I understood. Roger Wilco. However, I just need to say, oftentimes, it is not up to us when the call of duty calls. It is up to us to answer it. We may not be the best, but we're the ones here, goddammit.

And we got to do our best. Can I make a request? I think it'd be nice if we all did a group picture before we went. Oh, yeah. You're the photograph. Let's all scooch in. Let's all scooch in. Okay. Glenn, get over here and scooch. Okay. So, yeah. Yeah. This is your phone, right? Yeah. Well, I mean, that's kind of my little goblin friend to do that. But, yeah. Okay. So, yeah. I am asking the goblin. And let's see here. Oh, timer. Oh, okay.

I got it on selfie mode and I look really good. Yeah, yeah. Okay, great. Well, there we go. We're going to do a little picture. So I'll take a picture of us getting the selfie. That's great. And then this photograph. And then, yeah. And then this photograph, like all photographs of tier one operators. Well, I wasn't in that one. My face is blurred out. Oh, sorry, Ron. Sorry, Ron. Sorry, the goblin's a little nervous right now. Can't let my civvy life interfere with my professional duties. Okay, we'll just crop you out, Glenn.

And so then, yeah, you know, and then maybe at the end of the mission, like if, you know, like the photo, like we'll kind of fade in black and white and anyone who died will be like, you know, well, that was sad. I remember a great photo. And I hand the photos over to pay and I whisper, I go, dispose of these. No, we can know what this mission is. Roger. Okay. Okay. Let's get going. So one satellite ride later, you're on, you're at the AO. Hold on. I want to just mark everyone. Mark that my weapon is in condition one. Okay.

Thank you. Alright, thanks. The AO is a former metal foundry. Its anvil's silent and its pools of molten metal cooled into hard iron. Do they have like a folk rock foundry? A lot of basket weaving. Jesus Christ. Somewhere within its rusted walls lie a handful of hostages and the person who kidnapped them. Who's holding the hostages? Romine. Were you not paying attention to the mission briefing? He said a handful. It was a joke about a giant or something.

There's a handful of us. Oh, I like that. I get it. I get it. Do with that as you will. You have disadvantage for your next role. God damn.

From the outside, you can see two guards posted at either end of the foundry's entrance, about 50 feet apart. Behind the foundry is an exhaust vent, but there's a 50-foot moat separating you from the vent, and there are security cameras watching the vent. How are you going to get inside? Are we setting up for a halo drop? I think we're on the ground. Glenn? Oh, we're just on the ground now. Where are we dropping, boys? LAUGHTER

Well, actually, we're on the ground already. Oh, okay. Well, that was going to be our way in. All right, we're on the outskirts of it. I searched for beautiful images that might convey how crazy war is. Do I find anything? Go ahead and roll investigation. I got a six plus. I got a six. You almost see a beautiful sunset cresting over the horizon, but then Peyton gets in front of your camera and does like a gang sign. Hmm. Hmm.

Are these soldiers standing, like, are they moving at all? What's their patrol pattern? They are patrolling back and forth. Okay, here's what we're going to do. How do we know that they're really soldiers and not hostages in disguise? Oh. That's right, this could be a ruse. We have no intel about Romain. Just like in that movie with the guy and the clown man. I do feel... Do you remember? I hear you. I do feel...

He thought that there was the guy with the cape and the pointy ears and there was a clown man and he wanted to rescue the hostages and then the clown man taped their hump with guns. I feel fairly confident that the two people walking with guns are completely free. On the outside. On the outside. Are not hostages. That's a good point. We should probably send either Anastasia or Roger in separately.

stealthily to try and if we can get any intel. Who's talking? Is that the leader of the team talking? No, I think that's the... I think that's my fucking tool that's waiting to be used.

when I need it to be used. Now, if you weren't yabbing your mouth, you'd fucking have heard the thunderstorm up ahead and that's making a big, loud boom every 10 seconds. And if you watch them crossing, you'd understand. Every 10 seconds. In the bedroom. Fuck yeah, Ron, I put my fist out for that. Hey, Balto, try being more like Ron, okay? Anastasia, I mean. Yeah, suck it, Balto.

Now these two- Would you like that bad? Now these two cards, they're crossing every 14 seconds. That means within, I can't do math, 96 seconds, they will cross in front of each other and you can take them out with one bullet at the exact second that that thunderstorm makes a big boom. You hear that, Anthony? I agree with that. Nice. But should we like, you know, ask if they're hostages first?

How about we do this? Okay. The moment they cross in front of them, I will go, I will say, Anastasia, and you yell, are you hostages? And then when they turn towards our direction, you will wait until they answer. You hear that, Balto?

Now, I'm putting a lot of trust in your hands. You're going to have to read the expression of those two people's faces. And if they look like hostages, you abort the shot. But if they don't look like hostages, you pull that trigger the moment, the moment you hear the thunder. So let me just be clear. Team leader, I would just like to clarify. So judge, you've talked so long. We have to wait another 96 seconds. Keep going.

Based on their expression. From here. 250 yards away. Unaided by optics. I'm going to determine. I have an idea. I'm training this. I'll be able to read their expression as clearly as I read it, and I can read books. I like that. You're the hostage negotiator. Can I help? Can I help? Oh, yeah. You're going to take a picture of everything that happens. That's what you, of all of us, you got what you wanted. You literally asked for that.

Yeah, he does have a point. Team leader does have a point there. All right. So, yes. Just to clarify. Anastasia, good idea. Here's what we're going to do. When I say Anastasia, you're going to look and you're going to tell Balto either pull the trigger or abort. Okay. Roger, on your go. And then I get into it. We got 14 seconds. Shut the fuck up. Okay. Okay.

Okay, so let me know when I'm there. Let me know when I'm right in front of them, okay? Five, four, three, two, one. Anastasia, what do they look like? Okay. Are you hostages? Hang on! If the two of you blink twice in a 15-second period, I will know that you're in danger and you're actually hostages.

I don't mean to be holding those guns. Somebody just handed them to you. And sometimes you're holding things and they get heavy and you want to put them down. So maybe you want to put them down on my head. Team leader, I missed the window. It's okay. It's okay. Ron, Ron, Anastasia, you got to just keep talking for another 92 seconds. Just keep talking. Okay.

It's okay. Just wait for them to cry. Mission clock is a go. Mission clock is a go. I'll tell you. You have to call for another 92 seconds. 92 seconds is a go now. Payton, get over here. What? Give me one of those cups. Here you go. Okay, you walk over to that stage and you tell me what Ron says. Okay. Okay.

Ron, you got 40 seconds to decide whether or not they're hostages. No, wrong. Actually, team leader, we're only 15 seconds in. Okay, so I think they, I think, yeah, I think, I think, I think maybe, I think, well, he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. Put the cup to his ear. Put the cup to his ear. 30 seconds. Anastasia, Ron.

They're not hostages. Take the shot. Wait, wait, three, two, one. No, no, no. I have another 60 more seconds before they line up. You have to keep talking for another 60 seconds. Would you two like a picture?

Oh, yeah. Here, here. Oh, yeah. Good idea. Good idea, Henry. I'm a bit of a shutterbug myself, and this is my goblin, Ansel Adams, and he likes to get a picture of you right here. And just while I've got you here, are you two hostages? Oh, I hope it's in selfie mode. Goblin's in that selfie mode. Hold on. Goblin's facing the wrong way. All right. There we go. There we go. Then we flip it around. Okay. Have the one on the right.

right scoot closer to the one on the left. They need to overlap for my POV. 20 seconds. And there's some more people behind you. Isn't that neat? Well, you know, I just want to say, like, so I'm kind of, I guess I'm on Instagram at Henry Oaks Fun Photography. You gotta move Henry. Henry's in the shot. Henry, you're needed. Move, Henry. We have to move Henry out of the way. And, um, so I just, I really, are you hostages? Move out of the way, Henry! I take the shot! Roll! Roll!

Everything goes into slow motion. What are you rolling for? Didn't you see how I pushed him out of the way last minute? Okay, all right. We'll both roll the same. You for pushing out of the way and then me for the shot. Ready? Three, two, one, go. 15. 14 fucking seconds.

I heard people, but this is clockwork. This is exactly the op went off without a hitch, right? Yeah. The bullet goes straight through the heads of the two not hostages. Nice. You two, what are your names? Ryland and Ashley get fucking headshot. They go fucking down.

Henry sees both their heads explode and then sees at the same moment Goblin producing this beautiful picture of these two people in literally the last second of their life.

Henry. And I'm like, my God, Daryl, my God. I mean, Henry, my God. Henry, what have you done, Henry? But not you, Henry. Foxy, my God, who am I? I just, it's like my art was to bring the world together and show how crazy this war is. But art itself has become a tool of the war. Foxy, don't let anybody tell you what you do is not important. You hold on to that picture and you make sure future generations doesn't have to do what we just did. Okay, team leader, I will. All right. I want to call...

I'm going to call Intel Ogre. I'm going to call the Ogre that is Intel. It's Intel. Update. Two bogeys down. Oh, yeah. Any Intel on how many bogeys are left? Roll. Didn't say what dice. He's rolling D4. You rolled D4, dude. I'll get them. Why would you want a lower number? That's a 17, Intel. Whatever that means for you. Intel saw...

Five guards plus one guard plus three guards. 14 guards.

Okay, Glenn. Sorry. Balto, we got 12 more guards. Roger that. Two tangos down. Moving in to AO. All right. We are Oscar Mike. Who's Oscar? We are Oscar Mike November. No, you're, you're, you're, no. Wait, who's Oscar? Who's on first? Somebody say my name. Oscar. Oscar. Our good friend Oscar. Oscar the Italian waiter comes out of the bushes.

Oscar, buongiorno! Buongiorno! I've been lost. What are you guys doing here? Get low, get low. What are you doing here? Walter told us explicitly that we weren't going to have the best sniper in the world here. That's me. Nobody shoot him good like Oscar. Last time we saw you, you said you were never going to shoot another human being. Yeah, I shot a kid once. You're coming out of Italian food retirement? I am, uh...

Well, well. Oscar, no, let me tell you, having sacrificed my art for war, don't let anyone turn those breadsticks into bullets, my friend. That's right. Oscar, come here. I need to talk to you. Yes. We could use your help, but I don't think I could lose, I don't think I could have the weight of another man's soul on my shoulder, so I need you to go. Go back and cook food. Oscar, remember, you're always in here, and when you're in here, you're family. I'm a family.

Oscar turns around on his heel and goes back into the vault. Hey, Oscar, do you mind if I walk you out? Yeah, go ahead. Do you guys mind if I talk to Oscar real quick? Yeah, sure. What are you going to do? Mission clock is going. I just want a little recipe advice on a lasagna I can cook for Carol when I get back. Do you mind? Yeah, sure. The key to a good lasagna. Tell me over here. The key to a good lasagna. Okay, I take him behind a tree and I slap him. I go, you listen here. You listen here.

I don't want anybody to know what I'm going to do. God damn it. My role as a leader is to take the sins of my fucking team on my shoulders. You understand? So here's what I need you to do. You keep walking, but the moment you get out of our eyesight, you go around the perimeter and you fucking headshot every single individual you see. Oscar quickly flashes back to the last time he fired a bullet and it went through an entire orphanage and hit a kid.

Like an evil orphanage, though. Oh, yeah. No. A really cute one. Oh, no. But a tear rolls down his cheek as he remembers his call to duty, his call to honor, and that he needs to always be... His Medal of Honor and his call of duty. His Medal of Honor, Allied Assault. His Battlefield 1942. And he looks at you, and a tear rolls down his cheek, and he says, That's a spicy meatball. And he's gone.

Hey, where'd my gun go? Hey, I don't have a weapon. Team leader, I no longer have a weapon. Well, those two people that just died, you could have their guns. Yes, good point. Two guns.

I should have thought of that. I would like to acquire... I'll take the other one. I would like to acquire those guns. Sorry, Anastasia, you got the other gun? I got the other gun. If only I knew which end was which. Oh, God. Can I have the gun? Absolutely not, Payne. Never in a million years. It was worth a shot. Worth a shot. That's why you're my favorite. Hey, hold on. Baby, baby, baby, baby. Baby. Baby.

No one can touch what we have. Okay, so in front of you is a door into the foundry. What would you like to do? I open it. No! Well, I didn't know

- That was gonna happen. - So Anastasia opens the door and immediately you can hear-- - Three gunshots from Oscar. - Roll. - We all thought Freddie was gonna run away with this. Roll.

What am I rolling? A dice. You just rolled! I got a nine. So you see a laser sight. So to your right, Anastasia, you see three guards. You see there's a doorway that's open and three guards are standing there just shooting the shit, drinking coffee. And a laser sight comes in, but it's quivering. And you know that where Oscar is, he's just thinking about that orphanage full of all those cute kids. And he doesn't know if he has what it takes to pull the trigger. Oh, man. I knew he lost his goddamn nerve. Yeah.

Sounds like somebody needs to be negotiated. All three guards turn to look at you. Go, Anastasia, you got this. Oh, I was going to negotiate. Well, thank God you're shooting the shit and not shooting me. Am I right, boys? Whoa! So... I feel like they raised their guns at you. Yeah, raise them up. You're going to have to go pretty high because I'm a tall, fertile man. Ha ha ha!

Roll to see how tall you are. I'm 18. Ron doesn't have to lie and say that he's 6'0 when he's actually 5'11. Ron is actually 6'0. Well, Ron is canonically 5'4, but he's wearing a little bit of lips. For the mission. He's been doing an as-seen-on-TV neck exercise, and so he's just got a pretty long neck. And so, yes, he cuts quite the figure. Um...

So what would you, so these guys have raised their guns at you and they're looking up in awe at how tall you are. What would you like to do? I do. I like put a finger on one of the guns and lower it like that Michael Jackson. Oh, yeah.

Roll persuasion. Like, I just, like, wait. Oh, fuck me. What are you doing? I'm going to loosen it and then do what I just did, but it's going to be funny because it's just going to be, like, okay, so this is the gun, right? Ron comes up, he's like... Goddamn. Roll persuasion. Okay. Henry, are you taking a picture of that? I've already, yeah. I got a nine.

Careful. This is the only one you get. You are expelled. All right, go for it. I get a 12.

Plus, plus, plus. Performance. You got a performance. Persuasion. Persuasion. Persuasion plus zero. Can Henry assist? Yes, how would Henry assist? Henry is going to assist by taking a photo of Ron and making it look like Ron's a big deal. Like I'm Ron's personal photographer. Like a paparazzi. Yeah, we're going to do a YouTube thumbnail react photo.

The eyes are way bigger for some reason. You won't believe how tall this guy is. Okay, roll for that. Roll performance, please. What did you get, Will? That would be a four.

So once again, you have the perfect shot framed. Ron's there, tall in his resplendent glory. He's flanked by three guards all pointing guns at him. It looks like a fucking movie poster. And then Peyton gets in front of the camera and does another gang sign. Peyton, get out of here! What? I gotta increase my brand. Okay, so 12 is... It's pretty good, yeah. The guy who you did that to, he will keep his gun lowered, but the other two keep theirs raised up and they go, who the fuck are you? Who?

Oh, man. You think you control guns? You can't even control yourselves when you hear what comes out of my fucking mouth next. I lean over to Balto and I whisper. I go, time to fly, Balto. They're distracted. Unload. You took my gun and gave it to the Italian. You grabbed two guns. You just grabbed two. You're right. You're right.

So Balto steps in, slices the pie perfectly. It's like in the slow motion. Wait, wait, flashbang, flash, I need a flashbang. Oh, yeah, I got that. That's mine. I got it. And I throw my flashbang. Okay, go ahead and roll for that. Now, when you say roll, what do I add to that? Bane gets in the way, does a gang sign, and bounces back at you. The flashbang? Yeah. Okay, what happens? You get flashed, so you're completely dazed. A very loud noise has just gone off. Good for you, man. Good for you.

Okay, so now everybody except for Ron. And then you bang, right? Talk about the bang, Anthony. There's a bang. There's a very, very loud bang that deafens and blinds everybody except for Ron. Well, probably Balto. Balto's running forward. Wait, does that mean my little goblin in the camera is blind too? Ah! Ah!

The only thing, Daryl's not blind, the only thing he sees is all the ghosts of the people he's killed. I think Balto gets hit by this on the way in, so he's slicing the pie perfectly. And it's just shooting indiscriminately. Okay, so give me a disadvantaged attack roll. Terrible. The first roll was a good one, that was a two. The second roll was a 15, so a two. Okay, so you definitely shoot Ron in the back. Oh no! No!

You get hit in the left shoulder blade in a cool park. And you go down, but you're not dead. Uh-oh. Oh, boy. What you doing? What you doing? What you doing? Ooh. Menace! Menace! Menace! Menace!

Oh, that's right. We can do spells. I cast Cure Wounds on the bullet. On the bullet? I mean, not on the bullet. You know what I mean. I cast Cure Wounds on Ron. Okay, we'll say that cancels out whatever damage he was about to take. It'll save us the trouble of rolling for damage. Okay, but do I hit the bad guy? You got a two. You got two. You only hit Ron.

Okay, so those guys are going to go down. So they are blind as well, actually. Okay. So while you're all blind, you have one turn of action before everybody gets not blind again, and they are just going to start shooting. Ron, I think now's a good time to negotiate. We're all blind. Yeah, and who am I negotiating with? The three guys in front of us. Oh, the three guys I was already talking to. Okay, okay. You think you know about gun control? You already tried that angle. You can't control your emotion. Okay. Ask what they want. What do you want?

Because I want you for the war effort, right? Oh, yeah. You just sound more confident when you say it. So it sounds real. Looks like you're a soldier in need of an army. Oh, that's good. Roll persuasion. Roll persuasion. Okay. I'd like to also give Bardic inspiration by just screaming like, you got it. You have to. I can't see anything wrong. You're going to do this yourself. Sixteen.

Okay. Okay. Everybody's vision clear, as you can hear again. The three guys lower their guns to go, I mean, we're part of an army. We're guarding this place, but do you get cool codenames in that army? Yeah, I don't know. What's your codename, man? What's your codename? I don't have a... Do any of you have passions, dreams, that you'd rather be doing than killing people? Killing people was my dream. That's why I joined the bad guy. What if you could have a cool codename while killing people? Shit, that sounds good.

You can have that and more. Are you sure you didn't like, you know, you wanted something, you know, beautiful, like you were into poetry? Have you ever made a headshot at 3.5 km? That means kilometers. That's beautiful. Hey, Henry, I think this guy's pretty good. You should join the team. I play, I pull out, and I'm like, allow me to show you. He's got a gun! I draw an iPod from 1999.

And on this iPod is one song, and it's Landslide by Fleetwood Mac. Oh, yeah. The iPod you drew. Excuse me, Foxy. I'm the hostage negotiator here. Do you want to listen to it, Ron? Yeah. So, I've been right up to the top. Start swinging, guys. All start swinging. The top makes you palder. If it's held right now.

It was crazy. They were all fucking each other when they wrote that. Yeah. So the guards just give up on violence. Okay. You see, gentlemen, this is what I'm talking about. We don't need to use toxic masculinity and violence. I'm a woman. Oh, shit, my bad. Sorry, I didn't know there was a broad here.

Hey, that's good. That's no, hey, we don't want to do war anymore, I guess. So they snap their guns over their knees. Oh, no, you don't need. Okay. Okay. So their guns are gone now, but you cleared out that room and they just leave. Okay. And immediately you hear three shots. And you hear, and they fucking go down.

Dungeons and Dragons is brought to you this week by Shopify. Those who die are Shopify. Shopify is what we use to run our store, the Dungeons and Dragons merch store. We've been using them since the beginning. It was the very obvious. Some of those who smash out merches are the same ones who charge... Purchases. Purchases. Ha ha ha ha ha!

The host Adlib asks, what was it like before we used Shopify? We've always used Shopify for the store. Even as we transferred to multiple different 3PLs, including one that went completely bellwether. You know what we told to the non-Shopify merch vendors? I won't use what you sell me! Ha ha ha!

Shopify is great. Tons and tons of data, tons and tons of analytics. Just a great all-encompassing system for e-commerce, both online and also in person. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout we use with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month free trial period at shopify.com slash daddies, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash daddies to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash daddies.

Dungeons and Dragons is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. When I was a kid, I realized that most of my hobbies came from playing the video game Myst. That's crazy. Like, there's so many things that I did just because of Myst. Like what? Music, music production, video games, hypercard stack programming, 3D modeling, 3D rendering. Whether or not you should get red or blue pages. I...

Trusting Brothers. Not Trusting Brothers. Sirius or Akinar. Who knows? Here's a new thing KiwiCo is doing. You're so Akinar coded. Dude, so Sirius coded, dude. KiwiCo is launching, you're ready for this, KiwiCo Clubs to engage kids on a journey of seriously fun learning. Here's what it is.

KiwiCo clubs, kids will learn the fundamentals through hands-on projects and progressively build their skills with each new project they work on. It's like a skill tree. First of all, KiwiCo clubs, talk about KiwiCo clubs. They're great. Watch your kids go from learning to build bows and arrows to engineering their own robot. Wow.

I want you to learn things as hard as you can. Five clubs. Science, technology, engineering, art, and math. They call it STEAM. Now when I say that my seven-year-old nephew should be at the club, I can be serious. More than just a crate, Cubico Club's members get amazing perks too, like 10% off orders, free shipping in the U.S., and early access to new crates. Matt, what are you going to do? Science, tech, engineering,

What specialty are you going to spec Dorothy's skill tree in? I think tech is the way to go right now. Clearly, right? Tech is not going to be right now. How about that? All those layoffs, man. What? And tech. Oh, no. I picked the wrong one. Yeah, there's no such thing as the wrong one. You're going to want to sit down when I tell you about Concord, too.

That would be under the art category. Oh, art. Art's forever. KiwiCo clubs encourages kids to be creative, bold, curious, and persistent through hands-on play and projects. With KiwiCo, kids can discover they have what it takes to build and innovate. And with KiwiCo clubs, kids build skills over time. In a cave with scraps. My kid made this in a cave.

I'm sorry, I'm not your kid. Tinker, create and innovate with KiwiCo. Get up to 50% off your first crate at KiwiCo.com, promo code daddies. That's up to 50% off your first crate at KiwiCo, K-I-W-I-C-O.com, promo code daddies.

There's nothing quite like the Honda Civic Hybrid, Accord Hybrid, and CR-V Hybrid when it comes to exhilarating efficiency. With hybrid technology and thrilling capability, these vehicles deliver an electrifying performance on every drive. But what truly makes these hybrids special is the unwavering determination that inspires everything we do. Redefine your driving experience with Honda, KBB.com's best value brand of 2024. Based on 2024 Consumer Choice Awards from Kelly Blubaugh, visit KBB.com for more information.

Guys, looks like Oscar's got it back in and we can just sit here and let him finish off the rest of the squad. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. We want to sit and listen until we hear seven more pops. Well, it's like an interior facility. It doesn't have vision on the entire place. Ah, okay. I kicked those next doors open. We need to figure out a way to get all the bad guys to the windows. Oh, wait. Yeah, that's right. We make too much noise. Oh, my gosh. What if we pretend to be hostages that they haven't round up yet? And then they'll all come try to round us up.

Like little sheep. And then we're going to be like, bad guys. Bad guys over there. And then an ostrich will just be like, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow. And then... Oh, I forgot to mention, because you were responsible for three deaths, that means you've gotten a kill streak, which is a UAV. You can use it anytime. Ooh, okay. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Now, if you keep killing people without using the killstreak, it might get better. But you could use it for UAV now. We gotta hold off. We gotta hold off. Supposedly, you don't know UAV would be like, we could see where all the bad guys are. Like a satellite. Yeah, yeah. Everybody who didn't know that, you're good people. Yeah, you're good people. Yeah. Look yourself in the mirror and say, you're doing all right. You're doing all right. Those of us with the cursed knowledge of video games bear this burden alone. Okay.

That's right. Yeah, gamers. Xbox gamers, PS5 gamers, at the end of the day, we're all united in this. We all know about the stupid stuff about Call of Duty. We're all stuck. We're all stuck. You understand? We're stuck here. We're doing this all the time. He's losing it. Every year. He's losing it. Every year is another goddamn Halo. Balto's going rogue. How many more Halos are there going to be? Every year is another goddamn Call of Duty. I slap Balto. You see, they're doing it in the 90s again. You got to go slap him for real. I slap him harder. You got to go slap him for real. Yeah, I got to slap him. We're just doing this snake eating its own tail.

- Why was your mouth so wet? - I'm sorry, team leader.

I'm sorry, team leader. I'm just really passionate about video games. That's the reason you're the second best killer we have is because you're so passionate about video games. All right, so there's a single door that you haven't opened yet that leads to another room. I need to call Ogre. You can open it if you want to. You call Intel? Hey, so Romine, do they like hostages? Is that kind of their thing? Pfft.

What was I trying to understand? Define like. Like, Foxy had a really good idea about maybe if we all pretend to be hostages. Oh, I got to give it up for Ron. That was Ron's idea. Oh, sorry, sorry, Ron. Anastasia had a really good idea that if maybe we pretend to be hostages, maybe Romine would come out. Well, Romine have many hostages. Maybe thought of them escaping would be good idea. Okay, so we kill those hostages and then we become the most important hostages.

I don't think we should kill the... But, like, I like the idea of all this, you know, we get to pretend. Yeah, I was thinking we all pretend to be hostages. Peyton could pretend to be the person who caught us. And then Glenn just stands right behind the door and then just unloads on everybody that comes in to check on the hostages. Don't judge me. We're trying to save hostages.

The ghost of everybody who's died flashes across Daryl's face again. I can't do this anymore. Why did Walter make me leave here? Daryl, Daryl, Daryl. I mean, Henry, Henry, Henry. Don't say that name when I'm doing what I'm doing. Only...

I have an idea. I have an idea. Goblin, our goblin friend, has like a photographic memory. I do. Why don't we sneak Goblin in? Do you remember in those, you know, I feel like those guys in those movies with the guns, they have the little tube that they put under the door and they look around through the tube. And then it's like, it kind of, it's like, well, it's like the thing that they used on me when I had my colonoscopy. It's important. It's very important. You know, I mean, I'm looking pretty good down there. Thanks to my healthy, my healthy diet.

I had different news. Yeah. I mean, I'm fine. Some speed bumps in there, huh? Yeah, some speed bumps. That's what the doctor said, just slow down. It's like the mine cart chasing Temple of Doom in there. Oh, no.

But I was thinking maybe we sneak our little goblin friend under the door and then he can look around and come back and paint us a picture of where all the guards are inside and stuff. That's like the intel stuff that you military guys do, right? God damn it, Foxy. I can't believe we've been wasting your talents on this fucking pointless picture painting. Remember I told you it was as important as not at all. I want to be peaceful, but I want to be useful more. All right, I'm done.

I'll be right back. And he jumps out of the camera. He's really tiny. And he runs under the door, jamming into the next room. He goes, it's always clear. You can come in.

Say what? This room's clear. You can come in. Okay. We walk in. So on the ground is a undetonated, perfectly usable grenade. Wow. I scan to see if this is one of those traps like that Doctor Who episode you just watched. I bet you got Doctor Who on the brain. Someone's going to step on this landmine. Then you'll be like, oh, I got to be stepped on a landmine. And then we're going to have a whole thing where I'm stuck. And if I move, I'm going to blow up. Matt, slap him. All right. No. Roll perception. I...

That's what you get. I got one. I got that. I got this. I got a, oh no, I have a plus eight. I got a 14. Okay. So the 14, because Henry's very wise. You see that it is a tripmine trap, but you see the trip wire. And you can snip it easily. I snip it easily. Okay, now you have a grenade. Easier said than done. All right. The goblin. Thank you. You don't need to applaud that. Thank you. Wow. Hey, ding Chavez. Yeah? Yeah.

I think you've earned this. What? Hand him the grenade. Hand him the grenade? Oh, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. Payton's ship has come in. Up to you. Grenade, please. I'm going to try to perform a sleight of hand.

You're going to swap it out for a potato? Henry, as a swinger, always has a pineapple on him. Oh, wow. All right. So I'm going to try to convince him that the pineapple is the grenade. All right. Do a deception roll. I got an 11. He's going to roll perception. 13. 13.

I'll be taking that. Thank you. And he takes the grenade right out of your hand. Oh, Daryl, do you know what the pineapples are about, too? It's delicious. You grill them. I'm hungry. They are delicious, my friend. And you do drill them. Wait, can I? Why are you guys all being weird about a pineapple? Because it's 9-11. Make a wish. What? Nobody loves me. You suck.

What happened? I just said, it's 9-11, make a wish, and no one laughed. Oh, God. Shit. Okay, okay. But just to wrap up the pineapple discourse, Henry does text Mercedes O. Garcia, football, pineapple, thumbs up. She sends back, eggplant, eggplant, eggplant, eggplant, eggplant.

Okay, so the goblin runs into the next room and goes, oh no! And he runs back in and he shows you a picture of what he drew and you see a picture of five guards surrounding a hostage and it looks like they're beating him up. Oh god, that's unacceptable. One hostage. So this isn't all the hostages, this is just like a... This is just one of the hostages. Are they surrounding him? Like what's going on? Yes, they are surrounding the hostages. So we've gone rid of five and you're saying there's five here.

Now, I do wish I didn't make that joke about the math, because now I'm curious as to how many we actually have left. We'll never know. But this would be a total of 10. So far. Okay. What do you guys think? I know I'm the leader, but it's hard for me to see anything other than the ghosts of all of them. We get it. Oh, my gosh. Enough with the ghosts of everyone you've killed. Oh, my gosh. That's a great plan, fearless leader. Pretend to be ghosts?

Yes, because presumably these bad guys have killed people too. And maybe they haven't properly been mentally acquitted for their sins yet. It's just like that play with the old man. The old man and there's the sad and then there's the Muppets are in it.

A Muppet Christmas Carol? There's the one. Yeah, well, I don't know if Carol's seen it or not, but... Oh, we love Muppet Christmas Carol. But, you know, and he's old, and they're all like his, and then there's like... I mean, frankly, he's kind of like... Well, I've been on this subreddit called Anti-Work, and they have some things to say about this guy. And frankly, he was mean to his... Well, yeah, we don't need to be vulgar about it, but... Do you not know the Christmas Carol? I'm sorry, I should use... I've never spent Christmas Carol with... I haven't spent... But if you're interested in, you know, I spent some time with Carol...

I mean, yeah. You guys come over pretty often. Yeah. He's going to fuck your wife, dude. Peyton. What? I call it like I see it. Peyton Chaffin. I got a grenade. Not right away, Peyton. We have to get to know each other anyway.

Okay, so what would you like to do about this room with five guards and a hostage? Peyton's like, I just throw it in the grenade and no more five guards. No, then we lose the hostage. I love this idea because you know what happened to that old man? Is he learning to be a better man and he bought a big turkey, which frankly he could have bought like a nice tofurkey. But, you know, I appreciate it that he's growing. So I think we should remind these people of the people that they've killed by dressing up like spooky ghosts. Yes. So if there's any like flour on the floor or white powder, cocaine. Cocaine.

So I roll in the cocaine. There's cocaine everywhere. And then I look like a ghost. I look so pale. Roll constitution. Okay. Nine. You're wired. I say, so I look like a ghost now. I'm going to go in the room. I'm going to go in the room. Oh, what? Is Matt going to slap a woman? Oh, my God.

Henry would like to cast Investiture of Wind.

I have a wind spell. That's just a fart, yeah. I have a lot of fart smells. I have wind walk. I have investiture of wind. I have freedom of the winds. God. That's what being polyamorous is, yes. I would like to use my wind spells to like sort of A, you know, like just sort of dramatically blow the doors open as if one was a ghost and one was entering a room. And then also I was thinking maybe give us a little oomph, like we're kind of floating ethereally from all the wind.

Okay. And then I would like to cast, I know it's not the way it works in D&D, but it's the way it works in Dungeons and Daddies, which is ancestral projections or whatever. Yeah. We had it as like... Yeah. I can literally make a ghost appear. We talked about it being George Washington, right? Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, it's George Washington. George Washington was a great actor. The reason this will work is because there's five of them, they'll each assume it's one of the other one's ghosts.

That must be Dennis' ghost. It's still pretty creepy. It's not somebody I killed. It must be the guy that he killed. So I'll add that to Anastasia's ghostly form. Okay, Anastasia. And we get George Washington high on cocaine. Yeah. All right. Whoa. He probably was. They did a lot of drugs. All right, so your spell just automatically works, I feel like, on Foxy. So now Henry and Anastasia, go ahead and roll for me. Okay. Okay.

Roll a performance. Which Henry? You're Foxy, I'm Henry. You're Foxy, he's Henry. Okay. Roll performance, please. Okay, performance. I got a 17. Ooh. I got an eight minus one. I'm just talking to George Washington in the back. Hey, man. He doesn't even go in. How many slaves do you own? Whoa, George. It's really hard. Every year it gets harder to defend you, buddy.

Like that's the first thing you said. How else am I supposed to start a conversation? That's how we did it back then. I have like 20. Okay. That's how you know I mean more than you. You can go back to wherever it is you were. All right. So Ron walks in there and he's like. Rubbing his teeth.

So you rolled a...

You rolled an 18, you said? I rolled a 17. A 17. Okay, so I'm going to have each guard individually roll, and if they get under 17, they're going to believe you're the ghost of Eminem they killed. First guy fails. I'm Stan, man. I'm Stan. Second guy succeeds. God damn it. Third guy succeeds. God damn it. Fourth guy fails. Okay. Fifth guy fails. So...

Three of the people, three of the guards go, Stan! They all killed Stan together. One fateful night. We agreed never to talk about that. And then the two guards are like, is that a dude on coke? Ooh! And then I lean into Balto. I go, fly my little bird. LAUGHTER

There's two distracted soldiers. Go. And then once again, Balto spins the corner and slices the pie perfectly in slow motion. Oh, man. And nobody's throwing a flashbang this time. What if you shoot? They're distracted by the ghost. Exactly. The spiritual flashbang. Roll the shoot. What if you... Okay, this is a silly thing. Okay, what if you shot the guys and then you realized they were cake? Yeah.

Can I see your mic real quick? No. Ah, there we go. Okay, it should be fine now. All right. Roll to, so to be clear, this is going to be a multi-part roll. Roll to slice the pie. Roll to acquire, right, a sight picture. For anyone being, what is slicing the pie? Can you get up and demonstrate slicing the pie to the audience? All right, if anyone ever needs...

This is the forbidden knowledge I have gained from video games. If anyone ever needs to clear a room in a tactical situation, you don't want to just, like, jump in front of the door. Right? Well, here. You two come up and, like, make a doorway for me. Make a doorway for me. We're making a doorway? Like,

Oh, okay. So should I lay across the top? You right here, Daryl, Matt right here. Here's the church. See, Daryl, this is what's called a mindful tower. Okay, let's say we're trying to breach and clear this room, okay? What you don't want to do is you don't want to just kind of like, ha-ha, jump out. Or you don't want to just run straight through. So slicing the pie...

You want to start off to the side. You'll see I have a very narrow slice. You can see I see one, two people here in the audience here, right? Right there. And as I have my weapon in a primary position, I come around here and I gradually... Can I see your mic real quick?

It's fixed now. In this section of the show, Anthony turns off my microphone and I demonstrate wordlessly how a tier one operator slices the pie. If you'd like to see how it's done, join our Patreon. Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. And then ideally...

So ideally, the rest of your team gets the other parts to ride. So here's the thing. Oh my god. You're slicing the pie. Roll! Roll with advantage because you taught everybody how to slice the pie. Okay, sweet. And I guess empowering any school shooters. Three in a one. Three in a one? Three in a one. What? So you... What? Glenn comes around the corner just like, here's my chance. I blew the second one. My whole team's counting on me and I go... Slow motion. And the problem is I actually do...

say as I come around immediately the two guards that were not convinced by the stand thing start shooting at you you take a d12 of damage do I die? what? do I die? no they don't shoot you well they don't think you're a ghost but they shoot the guy that clearly has a gun so you're fine

I take seven points of damage. Luckily, I'm wearing combat armor. Where does it hit on the body? Can we simulate where that is? You're going to get shot in the head in a second. You can push it, Anthony, dude. There.

A stray bullet takes off your tongue. Henry glances to the corners of his vision. He looks at the face of one of the many men he's killed. He says, you guys need some new friends. And I pull my axe out. I'm going to charge at the closest soldier. All right, roll. I'm going to use enrage. Yep. Yep. What do I add to this?

That's an 11. That's going to be a 17. All right. You kill one. Oh, you fucking slice one in half. But he's cake. I see. The moment his head leaves his body, like you all see it disappear, but it just for me just fades into a ghost setting. Standing right in front of me, I go, I'm sorry. And I go for the second one. I roll a 19. Another one goes down.

Both of the non-scared soldiers are bisected by you easily. Blood paints the way. Oh my god, they're bisected? How scared are the ones that are still there? Happy pride, bisected. That was Beth's joke, I just repeated it. How scared are the ones that are still left, you know what I'm saying? They are very scared. They drop their guns and they scream. So now I acquire five total guns. In that moment...

In that moment, the door at the other end of the room kicks open, and it's Romine. Romine. It's Romine. Glenn, thinking quickly, because he's... Shoots five guns. No, holds a rifle to Payden. I got the last hostage here. We cleaned them up. Roll deception. Ha ha ha!

What room did they walk into, Freddie? What room did they walk into? Was it the... The right room? Was it the right... Y'all walked into the wrong room, motherfucker. That's a 17 plus 14. And I even de-leveled Glenn. This is tour Glenn Close. 17 plus 14, 31. In that moment, by the way, I would like to hand Payden...

A note. And we don't have to read this, but I'm going to hand it to you, Anthony. Okay. Okay? You see what I'm saying? What's he saying? That's good. Yeah? You okay? Okay. He just wrote a slur on that. About white people. It's okay. It's about white people. Yeah, it's okay.

Okay, so Payton is going to do what is instructed of him. It wasn't really Slayer. That'd be insane if it was. That'd be fucking insane. Freddy, what are you doing? So Romine comes in and sees that you have killed everybody except for the hostage. And he goes, well done, well done. You managed to save the hostage. This one's pre-implantation, right? Yes, exactly.

All right, well, let's get a bomb in him. And they take Peyton by the arm and try to walk away with Peyton. Peyton's going to try to sneak away. Yeah, I'm going to... Peyton got four. But we distract. Henry would like to cast Fog Cloud.

Around fog cloud. It's another fart spell I have. Big cloud of fog appears around Romine. And it's like, what's going on? What happened? And then Henry's going to just kind of flitter around. I turn into something small, like a bird, right? A lot of things happening at once. Just go ahead.

It's cool. Just saying. I fluttered around. Everyone was being funny for slicing the pie and I kept quiet on the side picture and here you are running 14 spells at the same time. Just saying. Your pie slicing days are over. And then I just want to be like, remember who you are, cacao. Okay. I'm a spooky ghost. Remember that you used to be a good person. Okay. Put down your ways of hatred. Yeah, I got it. Woo!

Anthony! You... Fucking let me have this. I haven't gotten to do anything fun yet. Everyone's had their fun. But Will, poor Will, decided to be a photographer. Who's fault was that? Will, you have an incredible selfie of me. What more do you want? Okay, so Peyton gets advantage because of the fog that you made. Think about it.

And Payton hides and he disappears. And unbeknownst to Romine, he ties the string for the cans around the ankles of the hostage. Because remember, he said infinitely long string, right? And Payton runs out the front door, dragging the string behind him.

What a hero. And calls out to satellite. And satellite the dragon lands. Now what's your plan? Okay, now here's the plan. Skyhook. Skyhook, baby! Skyhook! Skyhook! Is there only one hostage?

There's only one hostage you found. Payton found the other ones, though, you said. You paid Payton? I didn't say Payton found the other ones. I instructed Payton to find the other hostages. No, you said find dragon. Daryl calls Ogre really quick. Ogre. How many hostages are there? Just one. You sure? I think I did a pretty good job of negotiating with them. There were a bunch, but then some Italian guys sniped them all thinking they were enemy soldiers.

What has Oscar done? Okay. And I look and I was like, yeah, that's the only hostage. We're good. Extract. And I'm going to run to the window and go, Romine, we're being attacked! And I just start shooting indiscriminately out the window to cause noise. Okay, so Romine's like, I'm with you! And Romine follows you up to Mac-10s in their hand and just comes out and goes, what's my target? What's my target? Over there! The tree line! Romine starts opening up on the tree line. Yeah, now, now, and then I go, Payton! Skyhook! Pay goes, it's

It's my time to shine. I'm gonna jump on this dragon. Oh, he got to 19. Yay, Peyton! Wow! Opa! For the first time in his life, Peyton successfully manages to do something. Jumps aboard the dragon. The dragon takes off. The wire pulls the hostage out. And they fly into the sky, screaming their head off. Successful hostage extraction! Take out Romine! Luigi, go!

Mario! What was the guy's name again? Luigi. His name was Oscar, you racist fuck. I don't know where I got those. Now you know what Flurry gave me. I'm going to roll a sleight of hand. Okay.

A natural one, you bitch. Oh, no, Daryl. What did you try to do? Got a natural one. I was trying to steal the grenade. You pulled the pen. No. It explodes. Oh, man. We really answered the call tonight, didn't we? The duty. All of you die. And we zoom out to a 75-year-old painting going, that was the last op I ever went on.

With SEAL Team Dad, the greatest soldiers I ever fought alongside. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong, is Glenn Close. Our theme song is All Right by Maxson Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Watch the video of this live show complete with actual tactical pie slicing demonstration by yours truly today.

Thank you.

a plethora of entertainment at your fingertips. We're going to be in Europe at the beginning of October. You can find live show tickets. Dungeonsanddice.com is our website. You can also find merch, social media, links, all that stuff there as well. And special thanks to our Patreon supporters, folks like Alexandra Virgils, Curtis W., Luke Renz, Brendan H., Ravicus, Anthony G., Duff, Jonathan, Alexander Thingardbang, Skitter, Wilson Mefford, Kylie Helms, Matt Wold, Sam Gardner, Chris Wood, Carly Tonkich,

Ben Larson, Roe, James Lewis, and Christopher Daniel. Our next episode's coming out September 10th. Thanks so much for listening. We'll see you then.