S3 Ep. 7 - My Rifle, My Bully, and Me
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. My name has been changed to protect me because I'm innocent. Millard, based on the actual case files of a real crime fighter keeping his neighborhood safe.

This is my aunt's house. Peachyville, Nebraska. I live here. I'm her nephew. It was Saturday. It was cold in Peachyville. I was on the day watch observing my aunt's house when I heard gunshots in the woods. Car 98. And a voice saying, I'm gonna murder you with this Nazi rifle, Shane. Just then a call came in on the police scanner. Attention all officers. Major accident reported outside of Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars. One Italian man severely injured at the scene.

I was about to ride over on my bicycle when I saw a huge moth-like creature flying over me in the air. It was carrying a woman. She looked like my neighbor, Trudy Trout. She waved at me. Hello, Milton. But then I saw something much more important. My aunt. The problem is the gambling. You know that. You can do it, okay? She was leaving her house with a gym bag and a pair of gloves. Boxing gloves. It was time to move. ♪

Well, I'm the Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This season, a peachy podcast. That's horrible. That's a crime. Sorry. Man. Where did that come from? I don't know. That was incredible. Okay. Matt's loopy. Will's tired. Beth is stressed out. Andy's hungry. This is a... This is a...

This season, the Peachyville horror called Cthulhu actual play horror comedy about four everyday schmoes finding the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. I'm Freddie Wong. I play fast talking used car salesman Tony punished Colette.

This is Tony fact. I was thinking of like seeding in some like hospital related ones, but I'm like, nah, I'll just do a weird goofy one from his past. When Tony first came into town, he was looking for cash establishments that he could acquire just straight up cash in hand. And that's how he came to, you know, acquire the used car lot. But he also had the option of getting the Chinese restaurant that ended up across the street. And his reason why is one of those buildings that looks like an a frame, you know, I'm talking about like,

You ever seen those like restaurants that just is like a triangle? Yeah. Is this like when a restaurant clearly used to be a pizza hut? Yeah. So it's like there's this specific type of building that's like these triangle restaurants. Like a Whataburger? Is that what you're talking about? I don't know how else to describe it. And I'm telling you, folks out there, chime in with the socials if you have a picture of one of these. And Tony saw this triangle restaurant and he was like, triangle restaurant? Those never do well. I'm going to get the used car lot instead.

That's it. That's a fact. That's great. He's triangle racist. He hates triangles. He hates triangles. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Kelsey Grammer, the happiest and snappiest schoolmarm of Peachyville. And you know what they say? Every day should be a teacher appreciation day. Aw. I mean, it should be. Just appreciate your teachers every day. A little fact about Kelsey. I feel like once again, I need to do some cleanup.

about previous statements on the podcast. This is going to be a little, this is going to be a little fact about Kelsey's love life. I don't want to be answering these questions. Don't want to be answering these questions. Kelsey and Tony, their night of, I won't say passion. Unbridled passion. Their night was like four years ago. It was not,

13 years ago. It's a bit different last time. Yeah. Someone did the math when he said. No, the math. Okay. The math was 21 and like 36, which is like, hey, Kelsey can get it. Okay. I'm not, I'm not gonna, but I'm just saying it's important. This is like after the war. 36 plus seven equals. So like four years. So, and then also Kelsey has had, since people are asking, Kelsey has had

four other lovers other than five people. That's a total of three lovers. Sorry, what? So Tony's negative one lover. Anthony got it. Tony's negative one lover. So Kelsey has had three lovers. And also just to clarify, Kelsey considers anybody that she's gone past heavy petting as a lover. So don't think you know what she's done. Wow. We know she hasn't gotten to sex yet in the encyclopedia. It doesn't mean she can't write that shit off the top of her head right now.

Anal starts with A. Yeah, that's true. That had nothing to do with Kelsey's fact.

I was just agreeing with Anthony that anal does start with A. Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I play Francis Farnsworth, the most bullied kid in Peachyville. And my peachy fact is that Francis does not love, but also does not mind, the taste of his own urine. Oh, God. Excuse me? It was not a consensual tasting. Shane shoved his head into a toilet after Francis had done both number one and two in it. Oh, no.

And held him there until Francis thought he was going to drown. He inhaled some pee. Anthony! Anthony! We already got so much trouble for all the piss talk. Hey, don't blame me. Anthony, blame Shane. Yeah. Everybody is like, oh, Francis is a psychopath. Francis is a school shitter. No, Shane is the bad guy here. You should all be on Francis' side. It's completely reasonable to shoot people you don't like if they make you drink your own pee. God.

Okay. Hey, Freddie chiming in here. For legal purposes, we would like to disavow that statement as an organization. Thank you. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Trudy Trout. Where's my little fucking thing where I fucking do it? Oh no, she's malfunctioning. Oh no.

Man, once she's off the teleprompter. Dude, that would be such a great voice sample to hit right before a drop. Like, where's that fucking thing where I fucking do it? And then the hardest drop. Trudy Trout, doting wife, homemaker, and mother of 2.5 beautiful children. Fun Peachyville fact about Trudy. Lore drop. We're supposed to call it lore drop. Sorry. Lore drop about Trudy is that her favorite snack is chips.

Boo! Boo! That one really bites. Nice. Boo! Get it? That one made me floppy. Boo! I like that one. Yay. You're my man. That's why you're my man. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. So someone suggested this on Reddit. I'm Will Campos. You're going to listen to Reddit, Will? You fucking idiot! Just this once...

I'm Will Campos. I'm Will Campos. Am I the asshole? You're Father's Keeper. Your Father's Keeper? What? Instead of Daddy Oatmaster because it's a keeper in Call of Cthulhu. You should be the keeper. So I'm like, but like, am I my brother's keeper? My father's keeper? Yeah, but you have nothing to do with our fathers.

I'm Will Campos and I'm in charge of this podcast. You can call yourself whatever you like. And my fact for today. You'll always be daddy-o to me, buddy. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. My fact for today is that according to a study by Manuel Velasquez, from 1720 to 2011, some 1800 people have died boxing.

Yeah. Yeah. So the study found that boxing is safer. And that's counting everyone who's worked in the Amazon. That's counting everyone. I know what you're about to say. Okay, fine. Well, what am I about to say? You're about to say it's safer without gloves. No, I was going to say it was apparently safer than it was in the 1920s. The number of deaths has dropped from 19 per year to eight in the

in the 2000s. Wow. So we'll see. We'll see if anyone drops dead from boxing tonight. Wow. It is safe for bare knuckle though. Yeah. Is it really? It is. Because like once you punch once with your knuckles it starts hurting like your body just reacts. You do more body blows. And you've got weight. You've got weight. And it's easier to hug the guy. Yeah.

It feels better too. A boxing match with more hugging is what I like to see. I like it when they hug in the boxing. I like it when they hug. It reminds us, the viewers, that hey, this is just a little fight, but these are friends. These are boys. We only get one trip on this world we call Earth.

Might as well spend most of it hugging. Might as well spend it hugging. Dude, the fucking ref must be so conflicted when he has to break those hugs up. Cock blocker. I would let them hug forever. If I was a ref, I would just hug them. I would just hug them. Let's get in here. Why don't they let the ref in? That'd be nice. Anyway, let's play Call of Cthulhu. Let's do it.

So when last we left our split party, still split after all these years, Trudy was getting flown through the air by Mothman. Tony Collette had nearly died and revealed himself to be a cat that turned into a boy. And Francis Farnsworth was training with a sniper rifle and a picture of his bully Shane. And Kelsey Grammer had just burnt a cigarette on the cheek of her former negative one lover, Tony Collette. She gave a draft dodger what he deserved. It's the way I would like to phrase it. Okay, dang, you know. Yeah.

A little harsher than giving them a little white feather or whatever they're supposed to do. That was World War I, Will. And I believe the last thing we heard was you calling Francis and telling him, I hope your gun is loaded as you prepare to march off to fight Dakota Johnson. Yeah.

In order to quash your debts with the Anderson gang mob out at the old weird bunker on the outside edge of town. So what I would like to ask both of you is, how are you rolling up to this thing? You guys carpool? Did you come separately? I feel like I'm in the backseat cradling Broomhilda and my rifle. Mm-hmm.

That's such a threatening energy to come to a fight with. They'll never see me coming. So I'm driving you. I assume so. So you two are driving to the match. We'll say we're on our way to the match. We're about to pull up, but I figured I'd let you two check in with each other first. Francis? Yeah. Look, I'm almost 50, 50 in two days. I don't need a birthday or anything. Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot. I do. I do. I say max 45. Oh, well, thanks. Thanks so much. I think it's important that as we're about to go do this,

Violence is never the answer. But? Can we just leave it at that? You're about to go box. That is violence. I know. It's just like, I wish I could talk to somebody. You're a kid, and I don't know if I should be. You can talk to me. I'm super mature. Tony's usually the only one I can really talk to. I try talking to Trudy, but you know, she's, you know. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I love her, but she's just. She's a little. What?

Is that Trudy up there? I want to look. Do you see Trudy in the sky? Trudy.

in the sky. Well, you can say that. I'm just asking. No, you don't see Trudy in the sky. That was just Beth being funny. But you just hear in your heart. You hear in your heart, Trudy. And that's not right to say. Speaking of Trudy, everywhere I look with his dim headlights I have, every shadow looks like Trudy. Should we go pick her up? Well, no. I mean, I don't want her to see. Look, I really don't want anybody to see me boxing. I'm not ashamed of boxing. I'm just, I'm ashamed. I mean, I kind of am. I don't know. You sound pretty ashamed. Huh? You sounded pretty ashamed. Yeah. There's nothing to be ashamed of. It's the sweet science.

You going to hug him? Maybe. But usually that's not a win. If I'm winning, maybe I'll hug to run the clock out. Yeah. So my thinking is, obviously, I'm going to get in the rafters.

Like wherever nobody's sitting, where the light is lowest, I'll set up my rifle and I'll wait for a signal from you. Oh, and then I'll take a shot. We misunderstood. I'm afraid that something might happen. Like, I just think it's good to have a gun in this situation. I 100% do not think that this boxing match should involve any sort of firearm.

Please do not bring a firearm into the boxing match. I won't. Sorry, you couldn't hear that. I'm in the backseat. I winked. I could hear the wink. The wink was very clear in your voice. Francis, can I say something? Please do. We'll say that you've pulled up to the old weird bunker and your engine is now idling as you watch the crowd trickle in. It looks like it's going to be a packed house for this fight. I appreciate that you haven't talked about it yet, what you saw earlier.

Hey, I can't be the one to judge you. I've plagiarized a little bit in my time. Oh, God, even the word. The word makes me so sad. I just have to tell you. You know, you stand on the shoulders of giants and sometimes you stay there. Yeah. I just want you to know it's not going to plagiarize.

and is not good to cause violence. Those are the things I'm supposed to be teaching you. And those are two things that you have done. And those are two things. Actively. And are still doing. I know. It's very difficult. I'm finding it very hard to be. Every adult has given me such conflicting advice. I know. I know. This is why they say don't meet your teachers outside or like meet your therapist afterwards. Don't meet your teachers. Because we're all hypocrites. All teachers are hypocrites. We just present the best version of ourselves in the hope that we can make you the best version of yourselves. And you're seeing everything. You've been underneath my bed. You're seeing all this. I mean, I've got to say, I feel like.

I'm getting to be the best version of myself. I haven't had as good a time as in the last two days, my whole life. One step towards being the best self is definitely having confidence. We'll work on how that confidence is directed soon. But I just think it's important because I don't want to give you the wrong idea.

The reason it's taking me so long to make the encyclopedia is because I was plagiarizing because I got fed up and then I was so ashamed of myself. And I have it under there to remind myself all the time. And it's so hard without plagiarizing, which is why I'm only on the letter C after seven years. And every day I think about how much easier it'd be if I just went down there and just opened up those books and plagiarized. But I haven't done it. So I guess what I'm trying to say is. It seems like you're putting yourself in a high risk scenario. It's like an alcoholic keeping a bottle of scotch by the bed. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, I should probably. How about this? When you win this fight, we'll go home and we'll burn them. Okay, that's perfect. That's, hey. You know what? We'll give them to a library. Now that I think about it. We pretty recently got good evidence that burning books isn't chill. So we'll download it to a library. I'm so proud of you. I know it's not all me at all, but I just like, you've become such a good kid. And I just want to say that after this fight, let's both agree that violence is not the answer and plagiarism is wrong.

We'll see how the fight goes. Boom, boom, boom. You hear a knock on your window. Standing right there is Sven Anderson staring down and he says, looks like you decided to show Kelsey. I'm happy to hear it. Kelsey rolls down the window and she says, the Alpha and the Omega is never late for a fight. She's the beginning of the end, motherfucker.

That's good. Where do we park? You can park right here. Who said that? No, the guy behind, the car behind is hogging the horn. Shut up! Where do we park? Buster, somewhere else. Do not tell my husband to shut up. Shut up, lady. Hey. Oh my God. Babe, I love it when you stand up for me. Oh my God. Oh yeah, we should park somewhere far away if you know what I mean. And the car roars off. We're doing heavy hugging. Heavy hugging. I like it when they hug. I've never seen anybody hug in a porno.

That's so sad. Oh my God. Wait, wait, wait. A porno that like the foreplay is so intense, but it's like not physical at all. It's just like a rom-com. And when they hug, they come. Yeah.

So you're saying you want to see like when Harry met Sally, but you want to see P and V and see. No, I don't want to see any of that. I just want a hug with cum. Oh, I see. Okay. So Sven, who is wearing sunglasses now. Do you get those babies pop back into your head? And then he just like takes the glasses off and stares somehow directly at you, Francis, with like his two eye sockets. Oh, man, they're going to put those things back in. Probably. Probably.

And then he puts his sunglasses back on and says, my Anderson wants a word, Kelsey. Okay. I'm not Kelsey here. If he had eyes, he'd be rolling them. My Anderson wants a word. Omega, let's go. And he opens the door. Taurus there as well. And the two of them walk you over to Francis really quick. And I just say, Francis. Yeah. The next two hours. I'm not Kelsey. Okay. Everything that happens is not Kelsey. This is the end of it. You got it.

And with that, Omega shakes her head and walks out. The Anderson boys walk you over to an ice truck idling nearby. It says Anderson Ice on the side. Oh, Francis gets out too. Okay, you do follow her over. Armed? Yeah, Francis tries to like put the rifle back down, down the back of his shirt and into his belt loop. I don't know.

Actually, no, he'd probably go from his belt loop all the way down to his pants. Oh, no. So he just kind of walks with a weird limp. So you've like hidden the gun and you're like, you have a peg leg or something like that. Okay. The Anderson boys see you do this, so they're not thrown by it. But when you guys get to the door of this ice truck, Tor opens up the back and motions for you to step in, Kelsey. I step in. All right. He shuts the door. Inside, it's dark. It's fucking freezing in here. And it smells terrible. It's terrible.

Just like rotting meat. The nastiest like old food left out on a hot counter all day kind of smell. And you don't like how those like trucks have that little partition like into the driver's seat. In the driver's seat, you see the silhouette of an old woman dressed all in black and she's wearing a black veil over her face. And she's got this little cup of tea and she's sipping it. And she says, is that you, Kelsey? You know it is. Oh.

She slurps her tea and she says, well, it's nice to finally meet you, my dear. My boys have told me so much about you. Tell me a little bit about yourself. I like to know something about my fighters before they go into the match. I like to meet them. I like to understand them a little. The moment somebody understands me, that's a weakness.

I'm not giving up anything. I'm just here to fight. I respect that. I respect strength. I respect people who know that knowledge is power. And it seems like you know that knowledge is power. Oh, I love knowledge. I love teaching. I love...

Would you like to know a little knowledge that I have? I'm always down for some new knowledge. She kind of reaches this bony, withered old finger up so you can see it in the window, and she points to a package sitting next to you. Go ahead and open that, dearie, a little gift to motivate you for tonight's fight. I know you've had some trouble with my boys. I know that a pupil of yours did quite a number on my boy Sven. I want you to see...

Where we stand. It's a little early for a birthday present. How big is the box? It's about like, um, size of a head. It's not the size of a head. It's like the size of a shoe box. Kelsey looks at her and then just goes ahead and opens it.

when you touch it, you feel it's freezing cold. And when you open it, the first thing you see is this block of ice. You're looking down at it. And on top of the block of ice is a photo of Milton holding today's newspaper. He's tied up. His head is drooped down. His face is kind of covered in shadows. You can't quite fully see it, but you definitely know that it's Milton. Mom,

Anderson says, like I said, knowledge is power. And I know that this young boy is quite fond of you. He came to see us today to try to help you. And I think the best way he can help you is to motivate you to do well tonight, dear. If you want him to be able to see you again, you'll fight hard and you'll win.

Go ahead and take that picture. That's a souvenir. I don't know much about you, but everything I've heard is that you're not a lady who makes mistakes.

I'm not, dear. You just made one. Oh, no. And I turn around and I walk away without taking the picture. Okay. This is fucking frozen eyeballs are in there, but that's fine. I'm knocking on the door. Hey, get me out of here. Get me out of here. Okay. Sven opens the door. I turn around and I go, oh, yeah, give me a picture. Like, I'm going to throw the fight. Like, oh, fight harder. What a great. Wow. You're so smart, lady. Give me something to make me fight harder. What do you think I was coming here to do? Not fight?

You're bad at your job. You're a bad gangster. You're bad. Get your ass. This whole thing with the tea and all this stuff. What's your deal? I came here to win. Now I'm just angry. Now you just have to hope I don't do something stupid after I'm done winning because I'm going to win. If you do something... Anyways, I'm going and I turn around and walk away. Use that anger champ. As you were walking out the door, having failed to have been intimidated by Maya Anderson, meanwhile, up in the air, Trudy Trout is soaring through the air with Mothman. Ah!

You see, drawing closer and closer, nearer and nearer, the weird old bunker on the edge of town. Wait, this is important. Is she being held? Like, how is she flying? Is it like Harry Potter on a gun? Paint the picture, Beth. Wait, I think it's like, okay, so in Titanic, when they go out onto the bow of the ship and she's like, I'm flying, Jack. It's like that, but like they're not on the bow of a ship. They're in the air. So he's flying like vertically. He's so weird. He's flying.

vertically and he's wearing a jet pack. Yeah, mock Jesus has his arms around my waist and I say, oh my goodness, I can see all kinds of things. I can see my house from here. Just kidding, it looks like every other house. Oh, that's the bunker on the outside of town.

Yes. And he gracefully lands. There's like a sort of forest kind of on the edge of this bunker and he lands in the forest discreetly so all the people outside cannot see. He sort of lights upon the ground. He points to the bunker ahead and says, There, danger. Many deaths soon. Trudy, stop danger. Trudy, stop danger.

I have a question. Should I tell my friends that I'm a robot? Moth Jesus looks at you and says, Trudy wise. Trudy know best course. Yes, of course. I must save Peachyville. I'll go do that.

And I march out into where people are gathering for the fight, I guess. Okay, so you're just going straight in. Is there anything else I should know? Moth Jesus puts his voice box up to his thorax, and right as he's about to say something, he coughs. He's like...

Jesus grows weak. Must return home. Trudy, stop danger. Trudy, strong. Trudy, wise. Trudy, have the words. And he points to this book that he gave you. Oh, yes. And that book is called... It has a title and a language you don't understand. You haven't looked inside yet. Yep.

The words show the way. The words show the way. Moth Jesus, wish Trudy well. And then he blasts off into the sky. Bye, Moth Jesus. I wish you well as well.

And I march into the, where people are. While that's going on, Francis is waiting outside of this ice truck with Sven and Tor. And Francis, you hear the sound of an old 50s jalopy roll up behind you, rock music's playing, and you hear the voice of Carly who spots you and says, Francis, oh my goodness! Carly! Hi!

What are you doing here? You spot Carly in her 1950 XX Ford Thunderbird along with the gang. This is Carly's whole squad of friends that you know quite well. AOC! Who's the third one, Anthony?

Does a two-person gang, anybody else see my name? It's the squad. It's the squad anyway. Yeah. You'd recognize their faces anywhere. There's Spooky Middleton, Beatnik Seeker of Darkness, Davis Lee Jackson, homeschooled football fanatic, Reggie Regular Pine, the Cheer Squad star, and of course, Billie Holiday, comic book nerd extraordinaire, are all hanging out in this car with her, along with Shane, your arch rival and mortal nemesis. Carly stumbles out of the car and she rushes up to you and says, oh my God,

Gosh, the last I heard, you're on the radio. They were looking for you. What happened?

I went through some stuff, but they couldn't hold down this wild bird, this eagle. They couldn't catch me. Wow, that's so cool and impressive. Oh my gosh. I'm just so glad you're okay. Yeah, I'm doing great. I'm glad you're okay. Yeah, Frankie. We were all so worried about you. What'd you get in trouble for? Kissing all the pretty ladies? And that, of course, is the voice of Shane, your bully, who comes up and gives you a playfully, like, extremely hard jab on the shoulder. Ow!

What were you being too cool for school? Is that what you were in trouble for, pal? I mean, if you ask the British exchange students, then yeah, I was actually being pretty cool. Oh yeah, the British exchange students. This guy's a riot. What an imagination, this dork. And he gives you a playful noogie. I'm just messing with you, pal. That was an offensive voice you did just then. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I hurt your feelings? No, I'm just saying it's irresponsible to like mentally challenge people to make that voice. What voice are you talking about? Oh, you mean the voice that I do when I'm doing you?

Oh no, I fell into my own trap. Oh, come on, Chain. Give him a break. He's been having a real... Wow, everyone in this scene just has the worst... Yeah, how's that false alarm doing? No, Chain's just giving you a hard time. Hey, we're here to see this big fight. Are you here to watch this big fight? I'm a big fan of the hugging. The hugging? Come on, you got to be here to knock people's teeth out, to knock them senseless. We're here for the blood. Ain't that right, Frankie? I know you're a natural born killer and he punches you like six more times in the stomach. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow. Now, a wise woman once told me that violence is not the answer. Is that it? But... But what? Did you forget? Did you forget what you're saying? Did you forget what you're thinking? Come here. I got to whisper something to you. Okay, here we go. What are you going to whisper to me? First, I'm going to kill your dad. Then, you're going to watch your mom beg for her life. Holy shit. And then, and only then...

Will you finally get the sweet release of death at my hands? Anyway, man, I'm so excited for this fight. Wow, yeah, yeah, that's great. Oh, I got something I'm going to whisper in your ear now, okay? Someone, a teacher once told me, okay? Is that all right with you, Frankie? Sure, I say, and I slowly start moving the rifle from my back to my front. Oh, my God. Okay, like it's like pointing down the leg of your pants, right? I assumed it would be pointing up. Pointing up? Jesus. That's actually not smart. It should be pointing down.

Not the way you're carrying it is smart. Yeah. And Shane whispers in your ear and says, you're fucking nothing, little man. You talk a big game, but you got a tiny little dick and a tiny little fucking pair of balls to go with it. I'm not scared of you at all. You make me laugh. You're so fucking funny. And he licks your ear. It's kind of fine that my balls and my dick are small. Can you imagine how weird it would be if I had big balls and a small dick?

What a comeback. Got me, dude. You got me. You got me. That'd be bad. I'm just saying. Anyway, yeah, we'll see you in there, pal. We're just going to go watch the fight. We'll save a spot for you. Unless you're too scared and you'd rather watch people hug all day. No, I'm good. I think I'll sit on my own cool, mysterious loner that I am. Hey, Carly, why do you hang out with that guy? Oh, Chain, he's not that bad. What?

He just said I had small balls and he licked my ear. But I mean, you're kind of a bad boy too, aren't you, Francis? Yeah, but like in a fun way. Well, I don't know. I just kind of like, I just go for bad boys. What can I say? Well, maybe you'll see how bad I can be. That'd be great. I,

And they leave.

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grass here we go Freddie Wong coming down the pipe with the bank and a fucking whatever the little thing the disclaimer here he goes banking services and debit card provided by the Bancorp Bank NA or Strive Bank NA members FDIC spot me eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply boosts are available to eligible Chime members enrolled in spot me and are subject to monthly limits terms and conditions apply go to chime.com slash disclosures for details

Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo. Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, whey, whey, whey. Kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? Yeah, what is that? I love you, Dad.

You are doing a good job. I know it's hard to be a parent, but you're hanging in there. Thanks so much for this wonderful KiwiCo. Your kid's got a deep voice. With KiwiCo, there's always something new for kids to discover, like engineering robots or learning about the science of ice cream. It's cold. It's just cold. That's all it is. What was the project you've been doing, Matt? There's other stuff, too. Yeah, there's more about it. Yeah, what have you been doing? It's got to freeze fat in there. That's why you can't just use olive oil all willy-nilly. What have you been doing, Matt? What have I been doing? With your kid, not, you know, with KiwiCo.

We did the hydraulics thing, so I kept the mechanic vibe going. We got this little... You golf, Freddy. You know how they pick up golf balls on the ground? You know, at the driving range? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we built this little... It's not a sweeper, but it's kind of like a little chompy... It looks like a little whale, not like a golf cart. Not like an armored killdozer golf cart. No, no, no. But it was fun to build, and you could decorate afterwards, so my daughter had a good time. But it teaches something about mechanics and how gears work and stuff, and it's just fun to run around and pick up stuff off the floor.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O.com, promo code daddies. And while all that's going on, over at the hospital...

punished Tony after Kelsey stormed out here's what I'm thinking I think you were emergency surgery yeah you were sedated on a cocktail of drugs as the doctors tried to patch you back up I figured let's give you like a recovery roll for some HP since you did get knocked down to zero and health care was pretty good back then right yeah it was great it was you have a bunch of leeches on you doctor where's my buddy spleen McGee who do you think gave you the spleen laughter

All right, what am I rolling, Will? Okay, so first give me a constitution check. 100.

That's a failure. Okay. It's a super failure, right? It's a very bad failure. You're dead. You die. That's it. I don't even, doesn't even say what happens if you get that bad. Constitution. He died at the table. He died in surgery. I didn't realize you ran out of luck in real life, Freddie. Damn.

give me a um i didn't have one a d1 roll give me a 1d3 with disadvantage two threes two threes okay you have three hb now and you have a major wound you got pretty fucked up in this car accident right oh yeah i think so here's the question you got shot and then you got yeeted out of the car so was most of the damage from getting shot or did you also like break a shitload of bones

I feel like you lost all your luck. So we'll say both your legs are in casts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The entire bottom half of my body while they were putting the cast on, I was like, Doctor, you're going to leave me a spot for my dick and nose. Um. Your what? My dick and nose. Your what? My dick and nose. He's just saying dick and

Tony used to be a cat. No, he was like, oh yeah, like cats pronounce dick and balls like dicky bows. Oh my God. Wait, what did you have? A corkscrew penis like a cat. The doctors are like, we need to write this up for the medical journal. You are coming out of surgery. You're groggy. You're dazed. You're

You're kind of like opening your eyes a little bit and you're kind of coming back into it. You see the blurry outline of Dr. Mann having a hushed conversation with someone in the doorway. This other voice says,

We got a problem, Doc. Dr. Mang strikes up a cigarette and says, lay it on me. And this other guy kind of glances to you and says, are you sure it's safe here? And Dr. Mang kind of nods and says, oh, him? Don't worry about him. He's on enough painkillers to kill a sumo wrestler. Plus, he's got the metabolism of a feral street cat. He's going to be out for hours. Now what's the problem? Wait, cats don't have corkscrew penises. That's dogs. Beth, what are you Googling over there? Stop. Beth, this is my internet you're Googling on. FBI will know. Beth, kill me.

Get off my internet! But they do have barbed penises. Get off my internet, Beth. So this other voice says to Dr. Mann in a hushed whisper, I just heard from our boys over at the bunker. The Andersons are swapping in a new fighter. Get this, a lady.

An old lady. Dr. Man chuckles like, you're joking. I'm not joking. Her name's Kelsey Grammer. Apparently she's some kind of pugilistic schoolmarm. We're down the street and she's got a mean right hook. Dr. Man, completely unperturbed, takes a drag off his thing and says, so what's the problem? Well,

Well, what about the ritual? The Book of Many Eyes don't say nothing about roughing up a dotty old dame. And as he's talking, Dr. Mann, as you realize, he's putting together like one of those country doctor kits. Yeah. And he's got this syringe full of this weird, like purple glowing liquid, like one of those little syringe bottles. And he's sticking a syringe in it and kind of priming it and looking at it as he's talking.

And he says, listen, stay cool. As long as Dakota Johnson wins that match, it won't matter who's in the ring. The ritual will go off without a hitch. You just got to make sure you're out of the room when it does. Now let's roll. We got a fight to catch. And the two of them walk out of the room. None the wiser that you have been awake to hear this piece of information. What do you do? Wake up, Tony. Wake up, Tony. Wake up.

I will use an Italian technique to get attention back into my brain. Mm hmm.

I'm dying to hear what that is. What would that be? Let me think about this. You started saying that without knowing what it was? An Italian way to get attention? Yeah. Back into his brain. Back into my brain. I'm hopped up. I'm in the ether right now, dog. You guys are in the regular world. I'm fighting a metaphysical battle, dude. Dude, that's what ADHD is like. They don't have that in Italy, though.

Oh, here's what it is. I roll over and I press the call button to the nurse. Okay. A nurse comes in. Is there something wrong, Mr. Colette? Oh my gosh, you're not even supposed to be awake yet. Where's Dr. Man told me to tell you, a woman, to give me amphetamines. Okay. Power me up, baby. That does sound like something Dr. Man would say. So go ahead and give me a fast talk roll.

97. Wow! Oh my God!

Turns out she's a nurse of death and she smothers you with a pillow. So she says, oh, you must still be delirious. There's no way about doctor. But you know what? I'm going to go. I don't think you're supposed to be awake yet. Phone call. No, no, no. Phone call. I'm going to go find Dr. Mann and tell him that you're awake because it sounds like something's wrong. I just saw him leaving. I'm going to go get him and he can come back and see you, okay? All right. All right. Bye. And so she leaves. Bye. I look around for a wheelchair. Hey, Freddy, give me a luck roll. Oh, wait, that's right. There's no wheelchair in the room.

All right. You have full control of your upper body. What about crutches? What about crutches? Sure, there's crutches in the room. Okay. Well, I'm going to acquire... But they're across the room. Okay. Oh, man. The first thing I'm going to do is I'm going to flop to the ground and crawl over. Okay. Just like Kill Bill. Yeah, you flop to the ground and you take your catheter bag down with you. Oh, medical tape this to where my bladder usually is. All right. What? What?

Okay. And then give me a strength roll to crawl across the ground to these crutches. Strength of 70. Rolling below that with a 15. Okay, great. A half success. That's a hard success. All right. So you easily, from all of your time spent army crawling into war, uh,

You crawl over to these crutches and grab them. I want to stumble out into the hallway and look left, look right, and sort of get a situation report of the hallway. What are we looking at in terms of patients, in terms of traffic flow, et cetera, et cetera? Hallway's pretty empty. Down at the end of the hallway, you see...

that nurse talking to Dr. Mann and she's not pointed at you yet. You have probably about three seconds to do something. Is there another room across the way? Sure, yeah. It's a hallway of different rooms, right? And how dense is that? In that room, it's like, yeah, man, I'm just a truck driver, but this guy came out of nowhere. I fucking got a concussion and my thorax...

is messed up. I sure wish I could beat the shit out of that guy. Yeah, you roll into that guy's room. How heavy is the traffic in the hallway outside? No, there's no one else in the hallway. In this room, is there a wheelchair? Yes, because the truck driver is paralyzed from the waist down. He's like asleep. He was just talking. Beth was just talking as him. Beth? If I could see

Hey, did Dr. Man come in here? Oh, no, sorry, man. I haven't seen him. Oh, well, he told me we're requisitioning this, and I plop in the wheelchair. I have Dr. Woman. Ha ha ha ha ha!

We're requisitioning the wheelchair here. They're giving you a better one. A better one? Yes. Yeah, I hope that guy that hit me is going to be paying for it. Hell yeah. I heard he will be, and I thought of the wheelchair. Suddenly a knockout dame walks in and says, excuse me, I haven't heard anything about a new wheelchair for my patient. Oh, you must be Dr. Woman. Indeed I am. Who the heck are you? I just came back from not being able to operate on my son. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

What? Dr. Mann didn't tell you? Dr. Mann is the one in charge here. He tells me I need this wheelchair. Give me another fast talk roll. Fast talk, I got 55, so I'm trying to beat under a 55. 75. Now, you can push your roll and re-roll it, but there will be dire consequences if you fail. No, I'm not re-rolling that. Sir, you're calling a wheelchair! I want one! I want one real bad. Look at my legs. Look at my legs. Please. Please, please. Please. Please.

I'm just going to be stuck. Let's just get you back to your bed, okay? I'm just going to be stuck like this. And then she calls out into the hallway and says, can I get two orderlies in room 301 for an emotionally unstable patient? All right, two orderlies are now closing in from one way. Dr. Mann has now spotted you from the other side of the hallway. And now inside the room, the truck driver's beginning to recognize you, Beth.

What kind of car do you drive, man? I don't drive a car at all. He's no man at all. No driving a car? What are you, a passenger princess?

Wait, wait, wait. Is there a fire alarm I can pull? Sure. Yeah, there's a fire alarm. Oh, well, okay. I put my crutch down. I'll just pull this. Hey, that guy just pulled the fire alarm. Tell everybody it was a false alarm. Good luck hearing that over the sound of the fucking fire alarm. You know? Okay. There's now a fire alarm going off. There are people coming out of the rooms confused. The truck driver saw you do this and is now getting up to confront you. I can't get up. I can't get up.

I can't get up because of you! You didn't see shit, bitch! Now I'm gonna break the fire sprinkler above me! Okay, great! It is now pouring water into this room. And I'm gonna make a run for it! There's the hallway, there's also a window. How many stories up are we? You're like on the second story, I'd say. You have three HP. Three HP, we're not doing that. No, I'm gonna, I'm gonna... Just go back to bed. Yeah!

If we get the other three members of the party together, that's a win still. Does this buy me a little bit of ability to like roll out of there? Because now I assume all the patients are coming out. Okay. So this is very, I assume there's water everywhere flowing all over the place. People are wet. There's chaos. There's pandemonium happening. There is water spraying in the room that you are in.

You've bought yourself a couple more seconds of confusion because like now there's people between the orderlies and Dr. Mann and you. So now you basically got the two of them at the far end of the hallway, like confused patients and nurses in between and you're in the middle. Straight ahead of you is a flight of stairs. I'm going to...

And I will let you use your drive auto skill to handle the stairs in this wheelchair. Oh, hold on. Let me check where my drive auto is. It's not that good. It's 40 out of 100. Do I take the roll? 40%? Kelsey needs you, Freddie. She doesn't. I'm just kidding. She's fine.

She's totally fine. She's got a powerful robot and a psycho kid on her side. She's good. Now, let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. I want to be able to go down the stairs, but I'm not going to go down recklessly. I'm going to try and like...

with the wheelchairs balance my way down. And it feels like there's a little bit of a tightrope walk here because on one hand, if I go recklessly, I feel like I'm more likely to wreck. But if I go too slow, you're going to get caught. But I don't want to go super, super fast. So I want to kind of like try and split the difference here. Give me a... Oh, and as I'm rolling, I'm like, will someone help me? Help me get down these stairs. Roll me. Good lad over there.

Good lad. Here's what we're going to do. Give me a strength roll to maintain control of the wheelchair while you're going down. 70, I guess 72. I fail. Do you want to push your roll? I have no luck. You don't need luck to push a roll. There's buying points with luck. You can also push a roll. You re-roll it. And if you fail. Yes, I push the roll. I'm sure nothing bad could happen in a fucking stairwell on your goddamn wheelchair. 67, barely re-roll.

I barely make it. Okay, great. So now you are slowly going down, but Dr. Mann will catch up to you along with the orderlies unless you can convince someone to push you down these stairs. Are there anybody under the age of 20 around here? Oh my God, a volunteer.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You, medical intern. Medical volunteer child. Oil. What is it? I rented you a car. Remember the car I rented you? You got lucky in it, didn't you? Or even if you didn't, help me push me down these stairs. Why should I? Because I'll give you... I'm doing this for school credit. Here's some school credit. What about the credit you'll have at school when you roll in with a brand new Ford Edsel? Shiny. That's pretty good. You want a car?

You want a car, kid? It's yours. Just get me out of here. How do I know? You're good for it. It's me. It's me. Do you not recognize me? It's me, Tony, from Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars. You got the keys on you?

It's at the lot. Just take me to the lot. You can have any car in the lot. You know me. I've been in, I've, I put flyers up all around your school with my face on it. Everyone knows me in this town. Hey, you remember Kelsey Grammer? I know Kelsey. Kelsey, your teacher. I know Kelsey. She was my teacher. Yeah. Oh, I do remember you. Yes. Your

give my sister a cum-encrusted car that she couldn't get lucky in. That's her problem. You, you, you, you will get lucky all the time in your brand new car and I'll throw in a deep clean. Free. Feels like that's a fast talk role. That's okay. I love the deep clean is free when the car is free. Ha!

Free card. I'll throw in a deep clean for free too. I'll clean it first. What a deal. Well, normally you'd have to pay for the deep clean. Freddie, what is your credit rating? Wait, mine or Tony's? Tony's. He has it on his character sheet. Nine. Nine? Yeah. All right.

It means you're poor as shit. Well, I got my, a lot of my working capital is tied up in investments. A lot of those war bonds aren't maturing. Not too liquid either, bruv. The government gave me the option to roll over the World War II war bonds into the next war for a bonus. Here's what we're going to do. Extra bonus points. They had double XP weekend on war bonds. You understand? They said, Korea's coming around. They said, listen, we got all your war bonds here fighting Hitler, Mussolini, and Hirohito, but guess what? You

could take these war bonds and get double double you hear me so when those mature which only mature when we win the war right does that how it works our war bonds imagine if war bonds paid out if you won if you won the war you get more money

Anyways, here's what we're going to do. First thing we're going to do for the purposes of luck rolls. You have one point of luck. So give me a luck roll to see if this kid recognizes you. So you're literally asking me to roll one out of 100. If you roll one out of 100, you will have advantage on your persuade roll to get this kid to help you out. Just because I think it's way more fun in this way from now on. For the one time after the luck roll, here's what I'm going to do.

It's no different. I'm just going to say a number. And if I hit that number, I get it. Oh, that's fun. I like that. Yeah, yeah. If you can call your number. Yes, that's much better. That's what it is. You can call your shot. You have no luck, but if you call the number, you get it. Yes, exactly. That's very good. Call a number and then roll it. All right. 27. 17. That was 10. Damn. Close. Give me just a straight ahead persuade roll. D. Nice. Opa. All right. Hey, you got yourself a deal, mate. Okay, so he wheels you out. All right.

Onto the street. From there is a hop, skip, and a jump to your car lot. Ah, it's over there, just across the street, kitty corner. Just outside the gate to enter Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars, the young Cockney boy puts the brakes down on the wheelchair and goes, now we'll be singing about those keys to a Ford Fiesta. They're not on me, man. Look at me. Look at me. I'm in my hospital. I'm in my skivvies. I'm in my skivvies. Fred, get out here, Fred. I'll do Fred.

What's up, Mr. Collette? Oh, gosh, I was so worried about you. I'm really scared. Have you met Cockney Joe? Hey, Cockney Joe, what's up? It's good to see you again. How do you do? My name's Cockney Joe. Not much to look at. Nothing posh. I love that song that you do do. What's going on, Mr. Collette? Cockney Joe gets one car, but I get one car too. Okay, it's your lot.

I'll take that one. Of the lot, which one do you point to? The Ford Fiesta. No, that is Tony's nickname for the Edsel. He calls it the Ford Fiesta. This one's called the Fiesta. Because of the parties you'll have inside. You know what I mean? I feel like the Ford Fiesta is a really shitty car that nobody bought and then you try to spruce it up by painting it like a party and you're like, that's the Fiesta.

That's a special deal. That's the party vehicle. The center console is a chip and dip. Regardless, you give him the keys to the... It's a what? A chip and dip. Oh.

He should probably remove that dip. It's been in there for quite a while. I wouldn't trust the dip if I were you. I'd like you to clean out the guacamole in the cum, please. Guacamole? Just think about that story where you have to separate the salt and the pepper. Sorry. What? The fable where the guy has to separate the salt from the pepper. What the fuck are you talking about? You know that story? No. You know what I'm talking about?

No, what are you talking about? We have to separate the sliver of the person. I don't know. From the pepper. It's impossible. Matt, you keep saying Matt, but none of us know what you mean. So I'm thinking I have to separate the guacamole. That doesn't explain what the story is,

Matt, I just Googled separate salt and pepper fable. Yeah. It's like, it's in the same book. You say one more time. It's the story. I heard it. It's like the same range. It's like, you know, putting one grain of rice on a chessboard and it keeps doubling. I feel like it's in the same book. Wait, no. What? What? Is that an

Matt, I'm telling you right now, I'm Googling. I cannot find any reference to this story or fable where two people have to separate salt and pepper. I swear to God. I swear this is a true story. If not, dude, good idea for a story. I swear.

word as a punishment. Somebody's told to separate. Anyway, where were we? I don't fucking know.

Freddie, I'm sorry. Sorry. Okay. I want to point out that I was like, all right, well, if I could query just very quickly, some sort of centralized large language model of all open source texts, which would be chat GPT. Is there a fable where someone has to separate salt and pepper? Well, there isn't a well-known fable about separating salt and pepper. The concept of separating mixed substances does appear in various folks, tales and stories.

Dude, Chad GPT wouldn't even bullshit to back you up, dude. It's just like, no, there ain't salt and pepper. What the fuck are you talking about? Are you by chance confusing it with Achilles and his lover's ashes being commingled? Sounds, sounds just like salt and pepper to me. All right. So Cockney Joe gets his guacamole and cum covered Fiesta and speeds off into the night. Oh,

How are you getting over there? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yes, I'm going to get over there by getting in the car. We're going to get to that in one second. Here's how I know, Matt, what you're saying is complete bullshit. The idea of like both salt and pepper on the table is like definitely, while not like modern modern, more modern than like when folk tales would be. You know what I mean? It's not like in the Bible they were like, yes, when you sat down, Jesus passed the pepper by the two shakers. Oh, it's clumpy. We haven't found rice yet.

Marco Polo hasn't gone to China. One classic story that involves separating salt and peppers often used in educational contexts to demonstrate problem solving and scientific thinking. Maybe I just went to a good school. Here's a simple version of the story. The clever student and the salt pepper mix up in a small village.

school the science teacher Mr. Thompson this is all just AI but the idea is to separate salt and pepper only using what you have in their school bags and then some clever student comes up with some alternative if you've heard the story or heard this please text me so I know it's just not a dream of mine no

Send me a letter to my address, please. Freddie, you get into the car. Your feet are broken. How are you getting there? Okay, I want Fred to load my wheelchair into the back. Okay. And chauffeur me over to the fight. Great. All right. You speed off. You get to the fight.

Kelsey, just as you are stepping out of this ice truck, you see Francis turn to you. Trudy emerged from the woods and Tony Collette. Whoa. Stumble out of this car with Fred Dale, his lackey, who loads him up into a wheelchair and pushes him up to you. Everyone is now together. Oh. My job as DM is done. Talk amongst yourselves. My friends. Oh, what?

Oh, what happened to you? Thank you, Trudy. I was hoping someone would bring this up. Look at me. Oh, my goodness. Well, it just tears a mother's heart up to see you in the state. Yeah, I remember the mother's hearts were torn up. Friends. By their children not coming home. Friends. From the war. Don't listen to her, friends. Wow. Trudy. Yes. Frances. Yeah. Even you can't see.

It's so good to see youuuu. She's like, "I'm in a bad, I've been a terrible man. My life has been wasted." Yeah, I can see that. Are we on a slope? No, you're not. I'm sorry. Okay. No, it's a parking lot. It's a parking lot. Well, I have important news. Oh yes, you go first. Oh, well, yeah, I would hope so.

Jesus. Oh. Yes. Oh, no. Yes, and he- I broadly encourage this. Well done. He has told me that I must- Oh, you speak to the man. Yes, he has told me that I must save Peachyville. It's my task, but ours to share, really. I've already accepted it as my personal savior, so you can skip me. Oh, of course. You're in. You're in on the battle. Yes, we must save Peachyville.

Archieville is in danger. I have this book here. Is it the Bible? I don't know how to read it because I don't know how to read. Oh, Trudy. I could teach you. You could? Well, yeah, of course. There's something else you should know about me. Okay. This isn't easy to say. Yes. Well... It's okay if you're not Catholic. No, no. It's... I am...

I'm not even really human. Hmm. Okay. I'm glad you're okay with it. Well, I mean... Well, go on. I mean... Yeah, that's... I don't know. Right now, you might be suffering from a little something scientists call hysteria. Oh, yes. What do you mean by that? Maybe, but no, I don't think so. I actually think I'm thinking clearer now than I ever have. And it's because of Moth Jesus. He saved me. And now I must save this...

We must save this town. And so. Trudy, when you say you're not human. I'm a robot. Of course. Can you breathe it? Yeah. Sure. Yes. Do you see this button on the side of my head? Oh, I look. Is there one? Yeah, it looks like a mole. Well, maybe we shouldn't do it where everybody can see it. Come behind my car. That's what a lot of the kids been doing.

All right, go ahead and just press that button. I don't know all about that. Press the button. Okay, so the top of Trudy's head opens up and you see a brain connected to a bunch of wires. Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh, does it look interesting? Press it again! Okay. Press it again! Yeah, go ahead again! Oh, stop talking while I'm looking at your brain. Hey! Don't talk to me like that! Oh, sorry, you're right. Sorry, Trudy. I'm just, this is a lot. I'm sorry. I'm in, you know? Oh, it's just, you're talking. Your mouth is talking, but your head is open. It's just... Yes, my head is open for the video.

What happens if somebody touches the brain? I don't know. Oh, God, don't do it. I don't want to do it. He throws up. Not on the brain, right? No, not on the brain. Everyone give me a sanity roll. Oh, my God. Not you, Trudy. You're taking this very well. But I think everyone else seeing this definitely qualifies as a sanity roll.

Guys, I think I might have made up that salt and pepper story. 56, I pass. You pass. Okay. 27, I pass. 35 under 40 for sanity, so I passed. You all passed. Well, I hope this doesn't change the way that you think about me, because when I found out, I felt so alone. More alone than I had ever felt in my entire life. And I even wondered how long I've been alive. And I had so many questions about all sorts of things, and then I felt...

found and seen by Moth Jesus. And all I could think about was getting back to my friends. Oh, thanks, Rudy. You're still my friends, right? Of course. Oh, yeah. God, I want to kill Tucker so bad. Oh. Wait a second. What the fuck's going on with Tucker? Does he know? Who cares? I don't. I don't. Did Tucker do this to you? I think Tucker is responsible for...

The whole thing. Francis takes out a piece of paper from his back pocket and adds the name Tucker to a list and then folds it back up and puts it in his back pocket. Does Kelsey see that list? Yeah. But I think I'm part of the whole. You see, I don't think I would even exist without Tucker. And so I'm in some ways indebted to him. But I just wish that he loved me the way that he said he did.

Okay. But the book, the book is important. And so is the fight, I guess, if that's something you want to do. No, I have to, I mean, I think I have to, oh, that reminds me. I've got some great ways to cheat at boxing. Oh, I don't need to cheat. That's okay. Oh, hold on. Yes. Kelsey, Kelsey, I've overheard something. Everybody just ignore Tony. Wait, no, no, this is important. Everyone, you want to hear this? I'm at the hospital. I heard my doctor, my doctor, doctor, man. He said, what did he say again? Uh,

You don't remember what your doctor said? Who can remember that? When those guys, the white coats start talking, my brain goes blank, baby. Give me a no roll to remember what he said, Freddy. Maybe I'll be nice to you. A no roll. Here's what I know, Kelsey.

45 out of 60, I remember. My short-term memory is still okay. He said that as long as Dakota Johnson wins the match, it won't matter who's in the ring. The ritual will go off without a hitch. Just make sure you're out of the room when it does. There's all kinds of crazy shit going around on this fight. You can tell, can't you? All kinds of crazy things. First...

We saw that bat monster. Now, Trudy, you're a robot. He's not a monster. He's a friend. Okay, sure. Even more than a friend, maybe. Well, you met the thing we saw? Yes. He saved me. He put me back together.

He was nice? He was so nice. I got a bad rating with a baseball bat. If Trudy says he's nice, then he's probably nice, even as a robot. Well, let's hold off on that because I clearly don't have the best judgment. Your judgment is usually pretty strong when it's not about Tucker. And I think there's something going on with Tucker. And I mean, you're a robot, so...

I can't help it. I don't know a lot about robots or, or I've gone there, but like somebody had to meet you. Right. Yeah. That's farther than you, you are in your head. Yeah. I plagiarized it once. Oh my goodness. I know I'm a bad person. I'm just telling everybody now. And while we are doing our confessions. Tony, Tony, Tony.

Let me just... Hey, there's something you could do if you want to do something decent for once in your entire life. You want to do something? Oh, wow. Yes, please, please. Call my sister and let them know that somebody took Milton and then also probably call the police and let them know that the fight here is run by Ma Anderson and they took a young kid. But Dr. Mann was in on it. Okay, I didn't tell you to call the doctor, you idiot. I told you to call the police. How do you know the cops aren't in on it, too? I don't know. I meant to tell you guys when I was escaping through the woods after the drive-in, I saw...

Mushy Callahan, the town librarian, the guy who runs BetSpy, all wearing masks and talking about going into a mine to do like weird culty stuff. So this may go all the way to the top. I don't know. Oh, wow. Who can we trust? Does the name Zuzel mean anything to you? Isn't that what that guy said before he burned himself? He did. Oh, yes. I don't remember. At that point, you hear Sven and Tor walking back around. They're like, all right, Kelsey, it's time. Stop lollygagging around back here. I've never lollygagged in my life. Don't you worry.

And then I look at the three of you and I say, I'm going to fight. I'm going to try to drag it on as long as I can. Milton's in trouble. So maybe while they're distracted, she's going to be watching me try to find out where Milton is. There's a picture of him like in that little spot. I went to the little room I was in. Francis. Francis puts a hand on your shoulder and goes, I'm not going to do that. Yeah. That would mean we would miss the fight. And we just found each other again. Okay. Well, no, I'm not saying so. You can be here. I will do it. I will do it, Kelsey. Okay. That's what it takes. Okay.

I'll do anything to regain the valor I've stolen from our boys overseas. Kelsey, the signal is putting both of your hands on top of your head like they're barriers. That's the signal. For what?

Oh, Francis, it's incredibly important you do not shoot Dakota that I'm fighting. They just said as long as Dakota wins, then the bad ritual happens. Yeah. So if Dakota's dead, then it doesn't happen. Like if you're down on the ground and you know you're fucked up and it's down for the count. Yeah, but I can't. No, you don't shoot somebody, Francis. Pretty sure I can. I know you can, but you don't. Not this boxer. It's just a boxer. You don't shoot them. I'll shoot the wound. Don't shoot them.

I won't. I don't think anybody should be shooting anybody. But should you find yourself in a precarious position, it's easy to disguise hitting the back of their head by grabbing them like a hug. But you can hit them. And it's illegal, yes. But it's sneaky. Grab it, punch, baby. I'm going to whisper to Trudy because I'm going to get ready. I'm going to whisper to Trudy. She's like, don't let Francis shoot him.

I'm assuming you're strong if you're made of metal. I guess I haven't thought about that. Yeah, okay. And then I'm going to open up my trunk. I'm going to put on my outfit, which is the cloak I got from when I graduated with a master's. Oh, wow. Why are you wearing a wrestler?

And then I have the happy and the sad drama masks and I put them on either side of my head. And I have the graduation cap and then I'm going to start walking out. Holy shit, lady. Bitch and set up. Are you sure you don't need to cut that? I turn straight to you with my smiley face. I say nothing and then I just turn my head to the frowny face and walk away.

All right. Well, actually, Kelsey, you are going to need a team on your side in there. Every boxer, when they go into a match, has a cut man, a coach, and an assistant coach. Oh, great. Okay, you three. Yeah, Francis, you're going to be right there on the bench. I'm the assistant coach from the rafters. Oh. What you do with your team is up to you. But can I assume that these three are your team? Yep. Yes. All right. Well, then let's go on in.

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After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost Unlimited plan. Tor leads you into the bunker. You kind of go down a flight of steps and you emerge into this massive concrete room. There's like a big vaulted ceiling. It's a packed house in here. There's kind of lights shining down on a boxing ring dead center in the middle of the room. To the left, you see one door open.

that's being guarded by two guys that appears to be where Dakota Johnson and his team are getting ready because on the right, there's a door open for you to enter and get ready. There's also a bookie stand where people are placing bets. And when they see you walk in, like all of this consternation and murmuring starts happening when they realize like, wait a second, is he going up against like an old lady? Like what's going on here? I want to be clear because I was going to say when I came out on the ring, but I'll do it here. I'll see if people can see me approaching is I am walking with a walker.

and very and i'm being really slow and like and i'm walking okay in that case there is a bum rush to the you see the bookie frantically flipping odd signs over and there's a rush for people to pull their bets and place new bets there's always some people be like she always does this don't fall for it like you don't know what you're talking about buddy guessy guessy who should i bet on

I look at him and I say, you should bet on Dakota. Okay, okay, okay. A tip from the killer. I'm going to have to lose all this money. I'm putting all my soda drink tips on you, Kelsey. Good idea, Francis. And then over in the far corner of the room, you see just like a big pile of like old boxes of like old, like sort of like pre-war equipment and stuff like that.

Can you guys give me a spot hidden check? Oh, Matt. It's your time to shine. Ooh, I got a 16, which is under 25. 24, which is just under the 25. I got a 15. I missed. It's hard to see in the masks. Oh, that's a good point. That's not going to help you in the boxing match, I don't think. Who says I keep them on? Oh, I guess that's just your walk-on. You guys notice one of the boxes is cracked open. Only one seems to be open at the top. I

Check it out. Francis, as you approach, you hear someone say, Francis! Francis, over here! What? It's me, BB. Come here. Oh, hi, BB. Oh.

I've been stuck in this box like all day. This place is a death trap. It's crawling with the Bisons. I've been all over them since yesterday. I've been trying to figure out where their secret base is. I think it's here. The Bisons? The Bison cult. The people who kidnapped me. The Order of Bisons. Oh, I didn't know that's what they're called. Yeah, that's their name. They got like a whole cool bad guy thing going on. Oh, okay. Well, you should probably leave. No, I just... Look, it's vitally important that you hear what I have to say, okay? All right, spill. Come in closer.

Okay. I've been studying these guys. There's something going on. It all seems to be going around this match. Something's going to happen with Dakota Johnson. Are you aware of this? Am I telling you old information? Uh-huh. Oh, I've been in here for no reason. Is that what you're saying? I've just been stuck in this stupid box? I mean, you weren't around us. So that was a plus. Oh, okay. Well, why is that a plus? What's going on? You okay? You're just judgy. I'm jud- What the-

Okay. Well, if you don't need my help, Francis, then never mind. And she closes the box. And then you just hear like stifled sobs. We'll never know what Bebe was going to do. Wait, no, Bebe, Bebe. I knock on the crate. Bebe. Bebe, don't listen to that asshole. I take it back. I take it back.

back. I was just funny with you. I was really mean. I know. I just, you're so much smarter than me and so much better at me than everything and you're so young and I got jealous. I don't like it when you just kind of take a thing, you did something mean and then you're trying to do a compliment, but it sounded like you were pretty mean. I mean, I'm doing the compliment because that's where the meanness came from. Doesn't excuse it. Bebe, I have some big news. Yeah, you want to see something fucked up? Ha ha ha ha!

Always. Okay. Touch this mole. She immediately pokes your mole and sees your brain and goes, oh my God, what? That's my brain. What? Yep. Give me a luck roll, Beth. I'm trying to be in 40. Shit, I failed really bad. Okay, what'd you get? I got a 91. Ooh.

Okay, someone saw you, basically. We don't know who, but someone saw you. You hear someone go, oh my God, and then they start running somewhere. Some people don't believe that women have a brain unless they can see it. Bebe's like, look, I'm sure there's a really, really interesting story behind what's going on with you right now. I'm going to not look at your brain because it's freaking me out, but here. And she hands you guys a set of schematics for the bunker. I dug these up when I was doing research on this place. It might help you out. Oh, yes, it will.

- Oh, uh, maybe, how's it gonna help? I gotta fight, that's the only thing that's happening. - Yeah, I just, look, all I know is that something bad's going on and you might need to make a quick exit, and I'm pretty sure under the ring,

There might be a hatch in the floor or something like that. I saw people coming in and out from under there. More people were coming out of there than were coming in. Do you know what I mean? Oh, okay. Yeah. So just be careful. Okay. Okay. I'm going to stay here and keep notes. I'm going to start taking notes. BB, you want to do some investigating that could be helpful? Yeah. What do you need? My Anderson took Milton somewhere. Can you creepy Milton? Yeah. Yeah. But you know, he doesn't deserve to die, even though he's got strong feelings for me. So if you could just find him, find Milton. Yeah. You got it. Okay.

Okay. And I don't know, I'm going to get out of here without getting caught. Just pick her up out of the box. Like, it's fine. You're already here. We'll just say you're part of the team. Okay. I'll go find Milton. Okay. She gives you guys a thumbs up and check in with me about this side quest in like an episode or two. Okay. She runs away. What are

What do you guys want to do? Francis is going to look at the blueprints and try to find somewhere that would be the ideal sniper spot. Yeah, you can see that there's like a scaffolding with lights. You can tell from the schematics that over in the corner of the bunker, there is like a maintenance ladder that goes up to the scaffolding. I'll see you after the fight. And I head away toward that ladder. Oh gosh. Give me a stealth roll to get up there. Sure. See if I beat a 90.

88 out of 90. Francis seems to have plans. What's he doing? He just made it so that now I have to win, otherwise a young boy's soul is going to be destroyed. And with that, the lights dim and you hear an announcer say, Ladies and gentlemen,

Get some jumping jacks in quickly, Kelsey. Do some jumping jacks. I don't tell you how to sell cars. Okay, I'm just looking out for you. Welcome one and all to the battle in the bunker. Holy shit. That was pretty good. Some pump up music starts playing. Yeah, what's Dakota's sound? So Dakota comes out. What's Dakota's sound? Nothing. I'm just like, that's just silly.

Like, what if somebody comes out and it's just like a choir of orgasms? Like, what is the worst sound you could come out to? I don't know. I think about that. You know when pigs orgasm, it lasts for up to 30 minutes? I did not know that. Wow. Good for them. So that could be the noise she comes out to. There is, in fact, a string quartet. I don't feel that special. What? No!

Oh my God. God. A string quartet strikes up and plays Pomp and Circumstance. Yes, I was going to say, she goes out to the graduation thing. No, that's where Dakota goes out to. Oh shit. Damn. She stole it from you. She stole your intro song. I go out to a Vitamin C. Do we have enough advanced time that we can get Maxton to do a 50s version of Best Friends Forever? Um. Um.

As we go on. All right, so these dueling graduation songs are playing as the announcer says, Coming all the way from South Dakota, it's Dakota Johnson. And the crowd goes fucking crazy. I'm spot-hitting. I'm going to spot-hit and I want to find everything about her as I'm watching her walk. What do I learn about her? Just like the Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes movies. First of all, you find out that Dakota Johnson's a man. Give me a spot-hitting to see if he's hiding anything.

Yeah, I got 35 of 50. So yes, I passed. He is not walking in with anything other than his trunks, his gloves, and like a whole bunch of weird what look like tattoos on his body. Okay. And then I'm going to roll psychology. Okay. Do I see any like limbs? Like does he seem overly confident? Roll your psychology roll.

I feel bad. He's just a stone-faced wall as you guys walk up. Weighing in at 300 pounds, it's Dakota Johnson. And over here in the graduation outfit and weird costume, it's the Alpha and the Omega. Weighing in at... Hey, hey, hey, let's not talk about a lady's weight. I play to the crowd. The crowd goes, but then they go, Boo! Boo yourself!

And I slowly walk while coughing. Oh, yes. Okay. One second. Hey, young man, I look at Dakota. Can you help me in the ring, please? Oh, you look at Dakota? Yeah. Oh, sorry. Young man, can you help me in the ring, please? Dakota Johnson. Now that you're up closer, give me one more psychology roll with advantage.

A six. He looks glassy-eyed. He's just staring at you, vacant-eyed. No grandma charm. No grandma charm. He's just looking like whatever walks into this ring, he's going to pummel and that's it. It's just a one-track mind right now. In the game, dude. Something seems wrong with him. Okay.

Well, yeah, I still ask him. I say, help me, help me up, young man. He just looks at you and just starts pounding his fucking gloves together like over and over again. Looks like somebody can't wait to punch an old lady. I look back at the crowd and I slowly climb in. Is there a ref? There is a ref. Okay. Can I roll? Like, I'm trying to determine if the ref might have any biases that I need to be aware of.

Oh, that's interesting. That feels like a psychology role. Okay. Ooh, I pass. I got 31 and my score is 40. He definitely like, he put a little more stank on Dakota Johnson when he said Dakota Johnson than when he said Kelsey Graham. Interesting. I want to see a fair fight.

fight. This place sucks. They have the ref do the announcing? Yeah. We're a underground boxing match. We can't afford an announcer. In fact, that's my day job is I'm an announcer and I only do reffing on the side. So you're not even experienced in what you're doing. I'm not that experienced and I'm not that good at my job. Let's get ready to rumble.

That's trademarked. Not yet! I slowly walk in with my walker and coffee and walk up straight to him. I just look at him through my mask. What does he do? He just looks at you. And I nod. And he just breathes heavily. He's out of breath already. He's winded. Go for body shots.

Hit him in the kidneys, Kelsey. And I look at the crowd left and right and I go, looks like this guy's got one more lesson before he can graduate. And I move my little, I move my little tassel from one thing to the next. And I throw the hat up in the air and I rip off my masks and I throw the walker into the crowd. Oh,

Describe your outfit underneath. What are you actually wearing to box in? Oh, just my normal clothes. Just your Miss Frizzle-ass clothes? Just my Miss Frizzle-ass clothes. And I turn around and I have a little spry on my step and I start like boxing the air and I go, all right.

Let's do this. I feel like give me like a, how is there no performance skill? There's intimidate. What would be the skill for like work in the crowd? That's what I'm trying to figure out here. Charm. Oh, charm. Yeah. Give me a charm roll on the crowd. Oh, 22. And my charm is 25. Oh, wow. Okay. So yeah, they like, again, they're not happy to see you come out here, but they're starting to warm to you. They're starting to feel like it's gonna be a shame when this charming old lady gets her brains bashed in by this professional boxer. So you guys go up face to face and the ref gets up next to the two of you and says, all right, I

I want this to be a good, clean fight. We're going by standard homebrew fight rules. Three rounds, and then I'm going to just explain this as opposed to doing it in character voice because it's going to be a little bit... Here's how I want to do this.

It's going to be a three round fight. Okay. Each round consists of three opposed melee attacks. Okay. If you get hit three times in a row, you get knocked down. You have to make a constitution saving throw. Okay. Six total hits across the match. You get knocked down. I'll go into the rules later as they come up, but basically that's how we're going to do this. Between,

Between rounds, your team is going to have some opportunities to help you out that I'm going to explain as we go. We'll start with our pre-round warm-up. Who is the cut man? Who's got the highest first aid skill? I have a 45 first aid. Okay. I have a 30, so you're probably better at it. Oh, man. This must be devastating for you because you're a huge cut man fan. Nobody loves cut men more than Freddie. Okay.

other than maybe dr wiley more than freddie me and dr wiley alexander and then that freddie would make you her coach i'd like to massage her shoulders i do not let him i look at tony i say tony if you want to help look me in the eyes yes and tell me how many boys died on d-day um tony give me a no roll give me a no roll

I have an 80. I have no idea. I do Kelsey. Okay, so Kelsey is now enraged. I just whisper weak to him. You know how advantage on one roll. Trudy, is there anything you would like to do to physically warm up Kelsey before this match? I like kind of crack her neck in a pleasant way. And then I lean in and I whisper, you got to lace him. You got to strike him with the laces of your gloves.

and that'll cut him on his face, and then you hit the cut, and then you go for it, and you keep attacking. I like the side of you, Trudy. Kick his ass. So when I get all homicidal, it's weird. You're saying that to nobody. You're just up in raptors. Give me a first aid roll. First aid roll.

- Failed, I got 78. - The rage you felt at what Tony said is canceled out by how painfully Trudy with a robot strength cracked your neck. So you're back to zero. - Yeah, that felt great, Trudy, thanks so much. - Ding, ding, round one begins. Dakota Johnson advances towards you, lumbering. He's like not even raising his gloves yet. He's just walking towards you in a straight line. What's your deck score? - 60. - His is 40. So you're gonna get to take the first swing. - Nice.

I'm going to raise up my hand and be like, oh, sorry, the bell just rang. One sec. And then the moment I start coughing, I turn and I punch him. Okay, great. He is going to punch back. Okay. So give me a fighting brawl roll. Hell yeah. Okay.

That is, what is that called? What's the terminology? What's the one fifth of my brawl? That is a critical success. Yeah, I got 12. An extreme success. I got 12 and I have 60 on fighting brawls. That is a critical success. He rolled a 69, which is a normal success. So you are going to clobber him straight in the face. And because you got an extreme success, you both knock him down.

and wound him. Nice. So that means he's going to have to make a constitution saving roll. Man, if you're like Brad Pitt and Snash and it just takes this one. Nice. See,

Tell me how this works, because the moment he falls, I'm going to go fucking Danny the dog on him, and I'm just going to leap on top of him and start punching his head over and over again. Illegal blows from you, Kelsey. From you, Kelsey. So he succeeded his constitution roll, so he is going to be able to stagger back to his feet. But he is definitely like, what the hell just happened? And because you punched him so hard, that does mean you are going to wound him as well, which means he's going to have a disadvantage dice. Now, we're going to say this was a nice targeted hit. Yeah, yeah. Where do you most want to fuck him? Right in the eye.

Right in the eye. Right in the eye. Okay. So yeah, he's got this big busted swollen eyes. Yeah. I want to get that blood dripping down his eyes. Holy shit. What's going on? So he's going to have for the rest of the round disadvantage on his dodge rolls because it's going to be tougher to see you coming. Nice. But now it's his turn and he's going to take a swing at you. So it's the same thing. Like I roll against him. Like he rolled against me. Yeah. So he's in rage and he's just going for, he just wants a nice clean kill shot on you. So he's going to do a fighting brawl roll on you. Here's what we'll say.

If you punch back, we'll do an opposed roll, and whoever has a better success will get the hit. If you succeed in a dodge for the purposes of this fight, what it'll mean is that you have advantage on your next roll. So it's like kind of a trade-off. Okay, I like that. So that'll be the trade-off. Okay, so he swings at me. Yeah, so he's taking a swing at you. I'm going to... You know what? No, I'm not gonna dodge yet. I'm gonna swing back. Okay. Just trading blows. Oh, no. Oh, no.

That's a 22 of my 60. So a good success, not a crit like the 12. So you got a hard success. I got a hard success. And then he got, so he rolled a. I had such shitty rolls before, but I'm fucking. God damn, Kelsey, that's right. Good job, Tony. Things were angry here. Yeah, baby. He actually only rolled a regular success.

So you get another nice clean jab off on him. He's been hit twice now and he's starting to stack around. He's like, what the hell is going on in this fight? And he's getting fucking pissed. It is now your turn again in the initiative order. Yeah, I'm just swinging at him. And this is the third punch of the round. This is the end of round one. That's 79. So I miss, I miss. So you miss. And that's too much to use my luck on. I'm not going to do it. What if you push it for a combo? A one, two, if you push it.

Can I push it? Yeah, you can push it if you want, but it's bad. It's actually bad, but I can use luck still, even on a push dice, right? No, you can't use luck on a pushed roll. I just thought it'd be fun to have a combo. I don't want to give it up. What do you think, Beth? I think you've got to push it. Here's what it is. If a skill roll fails, players have the option to push or spend, but not both. I'm pushing. Nice. What are you trying to get under? 60. All right.

Freddie, come here. What'd you get? What'd I get? 59, my boy. Oh, shit!

So I succeeded. Okay. He got a 14 out of 75. Yeah, but I don't fail. You don't fail, but you get knocked down because a critical strike knocks you down. Okay. So you get knocked down and you've been wounded. Okay. So now you're going to make a constitution. And every time you get knocked down, it's going to be a harder role the next time to get back up. So right now it's just a regular role. Okay. That's a 58 and my constitution 60. Okay. So you barely stagger back up, but you have now have a cracked rib. Okay.

Okay. From where he punched you, which means you have a penalty to constitution rolls. Okay. And as you slam into the ground, the crowd goes wild. You're staggering back to your feet. It seems like the 10 counts going, but you get saved by the bell at the last fucking second. And now we're break for the round. So that first round, I got two hits and he got one, right? Yes. He got. Yes. So, so far so good.

for old Kelsey. And it's first to six or three in a single round? Six is a TKO. Okay. He staggers back over to his corner. His cut man, Dr. Man, is fixing up his eye to help him out. So he's going to have that dexterity disadvantage removed. What would your team like to do? You have a chance to inspire and you have a chance to heal. I'll use my x-ray vision because I'm a robot to know that you have a cracked rib. Just add it to the pile, I guess. Can you do anything to it? Well, yeah. Let me just kind of push it. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

I'll get it. Yeah. Okay. And then I'm just going to put some ice on that. Give me a first aid roll. Yep. What's your first aid, Beth? 45. 45. Okay. Okay. Don't hurt me again. No. Use lock. That's a lock, Steve. Oh, no. Push it. Push it, Beth. Yes, 64. Push it. I'm going to push it. Push it. Oh, boy. Yes. I got a 64.

Yes! You're hurting me. You're like, I can't do it anymore. I'm like, do it, Trudy. I can take the pain. Just push it. Okay. Somehow you feel the worst pain you've ever felt as these two jagged bones are just mushing up against each other. But somehow she kind of clicks it back into place. And you think, at least for now, you're okay. I've done a lot of puzzles. I want to... I get the sense that Kelsey's not happy with me. So I want to...

I want to slink over quietly to the other corner and sort of get a sense of what's going on. Snoop a little bit. Oh, wow. Oh, okay. Interesting. Okay. Give me a stealth roll to get over there first.

Okay. What's your stealth skill? 20. Okay. So as you're going over there, the assistant coach to Dakota Johnson, Dakota Fanning is like, not so fast, buddy. You get back over to your corner and he pushes you in your wheelchair back over there. Hey, does Dr. Man see me? Dr. Man does see you. Hey, fuck you, Dr. Man. Fuck you. Fuck you, Dr. Man. Fuck you. Fuck this guy. This guy's the worst doctor. Mm.

I don't like you anymore, Tony. We're done. And I'm looking around. Where the fuck is Francis? I look up to Francis. What's Francis doing? Yeah, speaking up. Okay, Francis, what would you like to do from the rafters? So Francis had his rifle trained on the ring the entire time, was following center mass of Dakota the entire time just in case. But because you punched him twice and he only punched you once, he's now scanning the crowd for Shane. Oh my God.

Just in case. Give me a luck roll. Actually, give me a... You said luck. Okay. 21 out of 85. Okay. You spot Shane sitting with the gang and Carly. Getting a handy. And what? Nothing. Getting a handy, he said. Getting a handy. He's just drained like a whole big... He's just drained.

He's like, I don't know, man. He's just drained. He's just pooped. No, he's just like had a whole big like soda and he's starting to look antsy. Like he was just trying to figure out where the bathroom is, but he can't quite see it, but he looks like he's about to stand up and go take a pee. For this next round, you can choose to keep your eye on the ring or you can choose to keep your eye on Shane. I'm going to go to the bathroom and get in one of the stalls. Oh my God.

And I recognize Shane's shoes when he comes in. Okay, fantastic. Give me a stealth roll to get down and into the bathroom. It's a 28 out of 90. All right, sounds good. So Kelsey, you get your ribs stitched up. You see Tony wheel over and get shooed away. Just as he's coming back over, you hear the bell ring again and it's time for round two. Get on out there and show them. I sprint straight at him and swing. Okay, you're gonna sprint straight at him. The moment the bell rings, just run. You know what, this time, just to make it a little more interesting, give me a dexterity roll. Okay.

27 of 60. So he is going to roll his dexterity. He got a 27, but out of 40. So yes, you both sprinted each other and you're able to get to him right before he does for the first punch of the round. So what are you going to do? I'm going to punch him. Give me that melee brawl. Not lying, dude. Check this die. It's a 26. That's a 60. Under half. That's the fucking best die I've ever had. 26. 26. He got an 11.

out of 75 okay which i believe is under one-fifth right 11 out of 75 yeah okay so you got a hard success but he got an extreme success but if i spend 14 luck he got the maximum amount in terms of he got an extreme success oh you're the initiator no you'll win that punch yeah yeah if you spend 14 luck you'll go down to 12 and that will give you yes an extreme success or you can push the roll

And the punishment of getting hit is you're going to get knocked down and you're going to get wounded again. I'm going to drop 14 luck. So go down to 43 luck. Okay. And I hit him hard. Okay. Boom. All right. So that's an extreme success, which as we said, means that he's going to get knocked down once again. And he's our real constitution. He's going to have to make a difficult constitution saving throw. Now I was going to say this. Each fighter gets one heroic knockdown flashback.

I was going to give you the same thing too, which is basically to automatically succeed one knockdown roll to get back up at some point in the fight. Oh, to get back up. Yeah. Cause it's never going down. Dakota Johnson flashes back to the time she taught those kids CPR. Yeah.

Oh, man. I got three hits. Roll that constitution. What happens to Dakota Johnson? Dakota Johnson got another 11, so he bounces right back up, too. But he does get wounded one more time. Where would you like to wound Dakota Johnson? Oh, no, I punched the same eye. The same, like, the same. He's got this, yeah, those stitches explode wide open. Yeah, so the cut man who cut his swelling is now going to have to cut it again because, yes, his eye is now bleeding profusely. And he once again has disadvantage on his dodge rolls. Nice. Okay, so now it is his turn. He's going to just, again, straight up punch you straight in the fucking face. What would you like to do?

I'm going to just punch back. I mean, 60 is my best. 49 of 60. 49 out of 60. That is a regular success. He got a regular success too. So he gets a fucking clean, solid hit off. Okay. It's now three total hits to two in the match. And it's back to you for the final punch of the round. I'm punching again. 58. Just barely normal success.

Oh, he failed. Yes! So you get another fucking brutal hit on him, and his bell is rung. He's staggering around, and then the bell rings, and we're back to each other ring for the next part. Kazzy, you're doing so good. Oh, you're wonderfully. Can't lie, it's hurting. Don't know about this third round. Usually I get them done in two. The third one's the tough one. What do you want us to do? Oh, put rocks in your gloves. No, no, we don't cheat. We don't cheat. Do you understand, Tony? Not everything's cheating. But if you had to cheat...

could i mean i don't need to i don't wait speaking of cheating i look up i don't see francis i don't know if that's good or bad i'm just gonna put some ice on the back of your neck okay you go get him tiger are you trying to like get her relaxed for this match but give her the ice cube on the back of her neck like what's that about it just seemed like the right thing to do give me a first aid roll all right matt you haven't even spent any of your advantage yet i'm proud of you when i got a rocking up advantage for all the stuff they've been doing

How many advantages do I have? Well, you had one from before the match, and then you got one from her again in the middle. You have three advantages. I pass. Yeah, use it for the last round, baby. I pass. You pass. Okay, so yes, you have now three advantage points coming into this round. Trudy, how are you feeling about being a robot? Hmm, it's complicated. Okay. Or maybe it's very, very simple. Well, I just want you to know, whatever happens here, you got a friend in me, okay? Oh, Kelsey, that means the world to me. Okay. Okay.

Wish me luck. Good luck. I want to ask Fred Dale. Fred. Yeah. Yes, Mr. Yes. Yes, Mr. Collette. Yeah, he's been pushing him around in the wheelchair. Oh, that's right. They haven't clocked you. Go sneak over to the other side of the corner and see what the hell's going on over there. Okay. Fred is going to sneak over to the other side. Fred is going to do a stealth roll. Use your natural shiftiness and

Oh, Fred got a 22, so he succeeded. So Fred creeps over there. Fred, report back to me everything you hear. So you see Fred over there, but you don't see what Fred sees because I guess you're over on your side. Whatever, I'll get back to him. He'll come back to me. Ding, ding. But right as we ding, we jump. I run. Right before we saw that, we jump into the bathroom. Francis, you are hiding in the stall.

You hear the door swing open and you see two high top sneakers that you know to be the sneakers of Shane Silva. You see the sneakers walk up to the urinal and you hear a stream begin. Okay, I'm going to quietly open the stall door.

and come out with my rifle raised. Oh my God. Okay. Give me a stealth roll. Got to beat a 90, 10. Okay, you are as silent as the fucking tomb as you creep up. It's like shot over his shoulder and there's no audio and just the fucking door opens. It's like in The Strangers. It's like silent in here. Oh no. And yes, you walk up straight behind him. You have the gun aimed at the back of his head and he has no idea you're back there. Will, I love you, but I'm sorry to say that this is the most scared I've been in the entire podcast. Yeah.

So I feel like Francis has thought about this moment for a while. He hesitates with the barrel of the rifle pointed against the back of Shane's head. That would be just too easy. That would be too quick. He wouldn't feel the humiliation that Francis has felt all these years. So instead, he lowers the gun down to Shane's right kneecap, the back of his knee, and then he pulls the trigger. Okay, before you pull the trigger, give me a luck roll.

It's a 44 out of 85. God damn it. You fucking rigged this character up so good. All right. What is your firearms? It's 25, but because I trained for so long, you said I had three uses of advantage. Yes. Okay. So yes, you have an advantage dice if you would like to do this, but yes, go ahead and give me a firearms roll. 12. Okay. So you pull the trigger and give me a 2d6 plus four roll. That's a 10. You just killed him, man. He'll be fine. Oh.

All right. There's a deafening sound in this small tiled room and you blow his leg clean off and he collapses to the ground, hits his head in his own piss on the fucking urinal on the way down, is now clutching his bloody face and screaming bloody murder at you. I'm going to grab Francis. This is not me. Francis is going to...

I don't know who's driving the car. Francis is going to grab Shane by the scruff of his neck and shove his face into the urinal so he starts sort of drinking in his own urine because he hasn't flushed yet. Yeah, that happens. Okay, great. Yeah, doing it silent, too. You know this guy's fucking got some things to work out. Yeah, Francis says fucking nothing the entire time. Oh, God. And then he...

Is it enough to lose a leg? Oh, you could steal the leg so that he can't put it back on. I don't know if I want to be found with that evidence in my hand. Oh yeah, does everybody hear this gunshot? Absolutely. So yes, you've just fired a rifle indoors. I think Kelsey and Trudy look at each other like, no! 100%.

There's also only one door out of here. I just realized he hasn't even seen me. I came in from behind and then he saw piss. So he doesn't even know who just did this to him. That's true. So I'm going to... We'll say you have one action that you can do before someone's going to run in this door and check on what happened. I feel like as I walk out the door, I just shove the rifle back into my pants like I had it before. Okay, if you walk out the door, someone's going to see that you walked out the door. What if you hid in the bathroom again? It was like, hey, I was just in here.

I heard a guy! I heard a guy! He came in and came out! And he threw his rifle in the other stall! They're definitely going to search the bathroom if I stay in, so there's no point. So I might as well... I just put my head down...

And I fucking walk out as quickly as I can with my hand covering my face. Okay. I try to pass into the crowd. Presumably there's still some people in the lobby or whatever. Okay, yes. People are still turning around. They heard this noise. Are you carrying the rifle? It's in my pants. Okay. You're peg leg walking like a pirate. Give me a hard stealth roll is what we'll call that to slip out of here unnoticed because a lot of people are turning and looking at you. Okay, so my stealth is 90. Agent 47. And I got...

A 98. Oh no! Oh no! The crowd is deafening, but people in the back of the room can for sure hear this gunshot. So people have heard the gun go off. They turn around and see you walking out of the bathroom. The gun is still sticking out of your pants. Ironically, it's a car 98. We'll say that I'm rolling a D20. 15 people saw you. Okay. And...

Roll another d20. Six of them run at you. At me? Yeah, to stop you. They're like somebody just like, hey, that guy's got a gun. And so six people are now charging at you to grab you. Is there enough people in the crowd that I could just run into the crowd and sort of just, because I'm shorter than most people, could I just disappear into the crowd? Francis, give me another hard stealth roll to try to slip into the crowd. And we'll say you lose them.

but they know that you're in the crowd, but they're looking for you. Okay. So myself is a 90. I got a 74. So you have slipped into the crowd and you, if they're frantically searching for you, they didn't get a great look at you, but you are evading them for now. And you hear off in the distance, the muffled agonized screams of Shane as the doors now swung open and people are rushing and intending to him. And someone's holding up his blown off leg and throwing up. Is Carly hearing it? Does she?

come by this you know uh let's give carly a uh listen roll oh yeah she heard it she's over there she's screaming and clutching at shaming like oh my god who did this to you this is like the subject of like a country song or something this is just like challengers bro yeah leg injury the love triangle yeah meanwhile back in the ring let's do one more opposed dexterity roll here give me a dex roll

25. He got a 15. Okay. I think in a tie, he had the lower roll. So yes, he gets the first punch. Okay. You're punching too? Well, yeah, I'm just going to punch back. And I got three advantages. Okay, great. So give me your roll. I don't even use that advantage. I got a 12, so that's a crit of 60. Okay, so he's going to get knocked down again. Good God. This is his fifth time getting knocked down. Which means I automatically would have nine. I'm just saying best out of nine. This is his fifth hit. He's going to make a... Somebody should stop this.

this man. And I'm punching the same eye. He fails his constitution role. He got a 65 and he needed a hard success, which would have been way lower, but he is going to use his one heroic flashback to get back up. And he does think back to when his mother was in their Amazon rainforest doing research on boxers. And

She was like, I want to train my son to be the ultimate boxer. But then she died in childbirth. And it was very confusing for him. By the guy who stole her spiders. And he says, hope the boxers were worth it, mom. And he gets back up. And he's been dreaming that he's going to die from an old lady. Yes, and he's been like, I have to find her. And he realizes it's you and he's not going to go down without a fight. Next time he punches you, how are you poisoning me? Oh!

We said he got the first hit, right? Yeah, so I'm punching. So now it's your turn. Do I have to call advantage before I roll? Is that how it works? Yes. Okay, I'm going to do advantage on this. I have three, right? Yes, you have three. He has one advantage dice that he may be using. Time to blow those dice, Matt. Is he going to use it now? He's going to dodge, and he's going to use an advantage dice on his dodge. I'm going to do an attack with one advantage then, and I'm going to save the last two for the last one. That's a 33. Let's see if I can get it lower. A 23. Okay. Um...

He got, with his two advantages, an 85. So, and his dodge is not very good. Right as you connect with him, I wanted to check, because you're about to knock him the fuck out. This huge burly dude. And you just fucking clock him right across the face. And as he's sailing through the air, Fred Dale comes back over to Tony and whispers like, Mr. Collette, Mr. Collette, I got something really important to tell you. Speak up, man.

Well, you told me to go over there and look at what's going on? Yes, correct. Well, I saw that doctor jabbing the guy in the ring with like a big weird syringe full of purple liquid. Holy shit. I don't know what that's all about, but like he said something about like for when you win and he stabbed him with it and plunged it in. Well, I don't know what exactly I can do with that information other than levy a charge of illegal doping to the relevant agencies.

Okay, well, I just wanted to let you know that that's what happened. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Matt, describe to me how you knock out Dakota Johnson. I feel like then since I was such a big success, I feel like on that second one, like the last day I just did, he was pretty woozy and he was having that like flashback. I could see that he's kind of out of it. And then I feel like this is how I imagine it is that he looked up and he can't help but see like a teacherly face.

And I kind of hold out my hand like I'm giving him a diploma. And he went, huh? And he just reached out to grab it. And then I just slapped him in the face. Okay. So it's like a big Raging Bull slow-mo moment. He goes flying back. He slams into the ground. And for just a second, he's just out like a fucking light. And the crowd goes...

fucking ape shit because nobody bet on you they all lost money except for like one guy in the corner's like yeah actually tony tony bet on you so tony how much did you bet is also bet on him francis all right so we'll deal with that later but yes the crowd goes absolutely wild you look over to the corner and you see that dr man and the other members of his team his coach and his assistant coach were all really freaked out they're like this wasn't supposed to happen

and they're getting really nervous. And the referee comes up to you, again, a little thrown, but he grabs your arm and says, Oh, my technical knockout, it's the Alpha and the Omega! Oh!

Yeah, I say. Hey, everybody. Thanks so much. I know this is going to seem hypocritical, but I'm beginning to think that violence is wrong and this sort of boxing is wrong. And this is the last time I'm doing it. And the Alpha Omega is retired. I'm done. I'm ashamed of myself. Give me a spot. Me too. Me too. Give me a spot hidden as you are saying all this.

A 27. What's that over there? That's my 20s. So as you are saying this, something odd catches your eye, which is you see like about 15 guys dispersed through this crowd booking for the exit. There.

They're sprinting to get out of here. Okay. And just as you notice that, you realize that Dakota Johnson is like flopping around on the ground. He's like shaking like he's having a seizure. Oh my God. I'm going to call for medicine. I'm like, medical, medical. Dr. Mann, his doctor, is also running for his life.

And as you look at him, you can see that the tattoos on his body are starting to glow. You see them almost twisting and writhing, like something's boiling inside of him. Something's churning and rising in his throat. He's like looking around. He's thrashing his eyes open and he locks eyes with you for one second. And he says, help me.

And then his head explodes in a mass of tentacles as this black formless thing crawls out of his body like a snake molting its skin. And it's like nothing you've ever seen before. Its shape is constantly twisting and churning. It's about the size of an alligator, but it seems to be growing and growing. And it lets out this wild noise. And then it grabs the ref and swallows him whole. ♪

The broken sky was to feel, so ordinary, twisted. I can see as a hole in the stars, swallowing my dreams and making them scars. Too far, too far away, but I'll stay today.

Hey, I know Europe is about to go on vacation, but Germany, we still got tickets available. Check out dungeonsanddags.com slash live for tickets to our upcoming European tour in October. We just got back from a group record weekend where we recorded Matt Arnold as our game master for Dad Hammer 40K, an adventure in the Warhammer 40K universe. No spoilers, of course, but in my professional opinion, this one's a good one. Extremely funny, extremely goofy, but most importantly, extremely grimdark.

This will be the fifth bonus miniseries that will be available for digital download. You can see all the other series as well as the two tie-in albums for Season 1 and Season 2 on our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Everything available for $7.50 or you can save some money by just supporting us on Patreon at the $5 tier. There you will get all the miniseries for the price of your membership, including this one, the upcoming Dadhammer 40K. And that's not all. You'll also get access...

to hours and hours of bonus video and audio content. If you got some summer travel, you got a road trip coming up, fill the vast hours with our voices as the road stretches before you. Support us on Patreon, patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold, is Kelsey Grammer, Anthony Burch is Francis Farnsworth, Will Campos is our DM, Beth May is Trudy Trout, and myself, Freddie Wong, is Tony Collette.

Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolet is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing and Robin Rapp is our transcriber. You may have heard our podcast is supported by Patreon. Those people put all you freeloaders on their backs. These are titans of industry like Dan Braun, Shane Skelton, Xanthi Avis, Walter Meehan, Shad Hamlin, No, You're a Lion, Zev Generick.

Brian, Danelle, Kurt Wright, Jeffrey Hill, Zachary Noah, Chris Taylor, Aaron Miller, Johnny Udall, Unicorn Commander, Brooke Naterman, Catherine Boyle, T. Dot the Hustler, and Stephanie Glover. You can join those folks on Patreon by going to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads and clicking on things. Merch and more at dungeonsanddads.com. Live show tickets for the UK and EU and Germany, especially at dungeonsanddads.com slash live. Our next episode is coming at you August 13th. We will see you then. ♪ I can see there's a hole in the stars ♪

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far, but I'll stay today All that I can see on the star Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far, but I'll stay today

It's so much more sinister because he's chewing food. Yeah. You know, Francis is sitting there. He bought a corn dog on his way to the restroom. He's chewing on that waiting. Oh, eating a corn dog in the bathroom? I don't like that.