S3 Ep. 6 - A Car is Born
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Oh, things are getting out of hand, Tony. Now there are two broads on ya. Come on. Hey there, Peachy Bill, Jermaine, Madman, Alhazard, and I'm dishing up deep ones from the Rockonomicon. Hey!

Hey, hey, hold me, get back here! Hey, hey, hold me, get back here!

Well, I'm the Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This season, the Peachyville Horror, a Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. Sounds like there was a little bit of punctuation after everyone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a period of... You're sending a telegram? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop. Oh my gosh, I would be such a silly telegram operator. I'd be like, stop.

Stop it! I'm pretty long and I play used car fast talking. This is morning! And I'm waking up. I know, it's morning. It's early morning. I didn't go to sleep last night because I was cooking up this adventure for all of you. Morning. We got morning energy. And we're about to go to McDonald's instead of eat it, huh? That's the problem. Will always cooks up a fine meal and then we come back and we come back. We want big!

Big Macs. Oh, we just went to McDonald's. Well, that's okay. I'm sure we'll eat what you gave us. Mom, you did a great. I will eat it. Yes. I am. We have McDonald's at home of this podcast. Yes. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Tony Collette. The dearly departed. No, no, no, no, no.

He's still selling cars. Do you have a second character primed? I don't need a second character. I don't know. I have a move primed. I have a move primed. We'll see how that plays. But this week's Tony fact. Tony cannot parallel park.

Despite having his driver's license? Because he's dead. Despite having his driver's license? He just said he has like fucking metal bones after the war. That like, he served like. He took a super soldier serum. I thought your fact was going to help you survive. Yeah, he always wears a backpack full of this new experimental Kevlar. He wears an iron backpack. No.

No, no, no. What was the actual fact? The actual fact was when he took his driving test as a kid, he was always a fast talker. He couldn't parallel park. And, you know, it's much more difficult when you're cranking that engine. You know what I mean? You have to get out. You got to crank that engine. You just turn it on. You got to bring their stick. Your engine turning on stick. You ever remember that? Yippee.

Oh, the little jalopy thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we're past that in the 50s, Freddy. He didn't get his fucking driver's license in the 50s, you buffoon. I know, but how long ago was... I guess that's fair, 30s? Yeah, you think cars were fucking great? Yeah, no, no. Charlie Chaplin movies, they got the little cranks. Back when you still had to cover up your car if a horse got scared by it? Yeah. Aww. Aww.

That's what happened. He was going to go parallel park, but a horse got scared. He says, well, I can't bend that back. As I was. He also had a very different accent. Yeah. Well, it was back in the day. He was 16. He was old-timey. He was 16. Did your accent change as he got older? It does change as he gets older. At some presidential debate. No, I'm just kidding. Too soon. No, it won't be by the time this comes out. No, but it's too soon for us. Maybe everything will be okay. Maybe he'll be dead. Maybe he'll be fine. Maybe they'll both be dead. Yeah. Pause for cutting all that.

Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play... Oh, man. It is early morning. Hey, my name is Matthew Arnold. I play Kelsey Grammer, the happiest and snappiest schoolmarm. One second. I just paused like Biden.

See, he was worried about Matt's performance. He has a cold. Okay. Matt has a cold. We're getting that out of the way now. See, even 38 year old can pause. It's normal. It's completely normal. It's too late to ask Matt to drop out of the podcast. I made it. Okay. Cut all that stuff out. I'm literally kidding. I'm making fun of Matt saying that. Uh,

If only Biden could have that ability, you know what I'm saying? They can't cut it because other podcasts are streaming across the border in droves. They're streaming on Twitch. There's so many of them. Other podcasters are streaming on Twitch. Because Matt wouldn't put up the wall separating us from AdPod. You know, I gotta say, I don't agree with Anthony, but he's on message.

Look how vital I am compared to Matt. This episode's going to come out in a fucking month. And when can we do the thing where we mute the microphones? Yes, I have that ability right here. Wow. Usually I have some little saying, but then I have a little joke that Kelsey tells instead, so the rhythm was different. But anyways, all I was going to say is she's the happiest. Oh, we fucked up the delivery. No, it's me. It's happiest. No, I fucked up. William the moderator. Happiest and happiest. So I could DM that. Kelsey Grammer's not that happy or snappy.

She's one of the happiest babies. Okay. You know what one of her favorite little teacher jokes is? What? Yeah, what? You know what happens if you tell a bad joke in class? What? You get punished. Oh, yeah. Punished. Oh, that's cute. Yeah. All right, sure. All right, here's the actual fact now, Kelsey. Kelsey's fact is really simple because I want to get on to this adventure. I want to fucking box. I want to fight. So Kelsey's birthday is in three days. Wow. Day five-oh. Day five-oh. Three days. She's going to spend her fucking birthday at Tony's funeral. What?

Anthony, you're insane to think that she would go to Toastmasters. I thought we were all on the same bowling team. Yeah, but now it's my birthday. I'm not going to ruin my birthday. Not on my birthday. Not on my birthday, though. What a classic. Dude, that's the fact. That's the fact. Not only is her birthday in three days, she takes her birthday very seriously.

Especially the 5-0. It's the big 5-0. I'm writing that down. I'm writing down that it's your birthday in three episodes. Is it going to be a cop-themed fucking birthday? Well, I was looking up because a bunch of your stats are based... That's so dumb! Thank you, Beth. Is it going to be a grinding-themed birthday where you lift the front side of your board up on the rail? Is that... That's like the joke you made, Freddie. It is, Beth!

I'm not fucking, I'm not either proud or, uh, not proud of it. It was a good joke. Go Anthony. Beware. Whatever you say might be judged by everybody here. That's fine. I'm fucking bulletproof. All I have to do is speak really confidently.

I'm Anthony Birch. I play Francis Farnsworth, the most bullied kid in Peachyville. And Francis's fact is that his favorite book series is Nancy Drew. But he has to get copies of the Hardy Boys, take the dust cover off of the hardbacks,

and put it around his Nancy Drew books because otherwise he gets bullied because those books are for girls and also because he's in love with Nancy Drew. So he just, he looks like he reads voraciously a bunch of Hardy Boys books, but in reality he's Well, why can't he just explain that he's in love with Nancy Drew? Surely they would understand. You love a girl in a book that's gay. However he is, Rock Hardy's reading the Hardy Boys, of course, and everybody else.

That's masculine. That's man-revered. What's better than this? The Hardy Boys and the mystery of the no apparent reason boner. My boy's gotten pretty hardy ever since I've read the Hardy Boys. My name is Beth May and I play Trudy Trout, doting robot wife, homemaker, and mother of 2.5 beautiful children. She is one of many Trudys. Fun.

fun anachronistic fact about Trudy that I thought of this morning and I just had to say because I thought it was funny is that Trudy is a wonderful singer. Beth, I'm going to correct you as a woman. Anachronistic. As a woman you're correcting her? No, no, no. I will interrupt. I will interrupt. No, no, no. I will interrupt woman Beth. Anachronistic. Anachronistic. I can't say that. So I'm not going to. Anachronistic would be a good name for a character though. Oh my God.

Anachronistic. All podcasts are the same. Oh, I get it. Wait, say it again. Anachronistic.

Fun, anachronistic. You can lead this in here. I have no pride. We have no shame. Beth and me, no shame. The number of words I mispronounce. Yeah, we know. No, I'm just kidding. Is that Trudy is a wonderful singer. In fact, if she lived in modern times, people might say she sung better than Adele.

God! That is the worst joke! Mamma mia! That is straight up the worst joke on this podcast. Bazinga! Holy shit, Beth. I'm speechless. I can't. Beth's just fucking crushing it.

Hi everyone, I'm Will Campos. I'm your daddy-o master. Hi daddy-o. What a wonderful treat this intro has been for everyone a month from now, getting to remember what it was like the morning after the worst day of their lives. My creepy fact about the world today, my daddy-o fact, is that... Sorry, I'm also pausing.

But this is a dramatic pause. That's the difference. That's the difference. It's a dramatic pause. We still have time to get a new DM. I heard there's this guy in California who's really hot. Your vice DM is young and vital. Your DM runs out of HP. Your fact today is... Sorry, I forgot to do a fact. I'm on a creepy facts about the human body. Someone give me a number from 1 to 20. Ooh, 19. Zero. 70...

Who said 19? I did. Okay. Humans are the only animal that blushes. That's not creepy. That's not creepy. That's endearing. But why do they blush? Why do they blush? Because blood flows through their skin in an eldritch and non-Euclidean way. No, it's actually mapped out by a pretty series of- Shut the fuck up, Freddy. Let's play fucking Dungeons and Dragons. Let's go. We're not playing Dungeons and Dragons. We're playing Dungeons and Dragons. We're playing Dungeons and Dragons.

When we last left off, Tony Collette had been shot through the heart. And you're too lame! You give Call of Cthulhu. Finish the thought, Anthony. No, Freddy was my alley-oop. That's what made that joke so funny. Boy, oh boy. So yeah, Tony Collette had been shot through the heart. Or shot through the chest, let's say. He stole Mike Weasel's way out of this. He's hurtling towards an intersection. I'm not really interested in what's happening with Tony. Can we do something else? Yes, we can. Um...

Can you do the other seats first? We're going to do your seat, Matt. Oh, yay! So actually, first... I have to know what happened

we got a little timey-wimey stuff going on mr tony we have to jump back a little bit oh to would you guys want to do tony first yeah i want to see if he dies all right i thought it would be fun since tony's bleeding out yeah he's hurtling towards imminent doom he's about to cross a very busy intersection in his dangerous 1950s car i thought it would be fun of your entire life flash before your eyes and

And if you guys want to help out by playing some of the characters in Tony's life as they come up, just jump on in there. So, Freddy, take it away. Okay. All right. I can't support this child. Please take him. And also, really quick, really quick. Anthony, what you're saying, it's in Italian and doesn't have English subtitles. It's in Italian. Okay. So, imagine. It's like the beginning of Godfather 2. Exactly. Imagine the Tuscan countryside, dude. Like, there's like a fucking tree-lined road.

You know what? A little trivia fact, it's the same road they use in Gladiator later. I thought I wanted a child, but then I was around him, and I don't want to be anymore. Help! Will somebody take this baby? That Italian wah. Hey, little Tony, yeah, don't worry. We'll be going back to the fire station soon. Why don't you just walk forward? Just walk into the woods. Just keep going. Just keep going.

Okay, so then Tony is... Hey, a baby! Many hours later. Pedro, we can't have a baby. Papa? Yes, we can have a baby. Two men having a baby at this time? Aye, aye, aye. We have to keep it secret. We both get married, but together we know who we are. We'll keep him in a cabin in the woods and we'll raise him in an Italian style. Ha, ha.

We shall prove to everybody. We shall raise the finest of babies. We'll hunt for our food. Now we cut to Tony Collette. Tony had seven parents. At seven years old, chopping wood alone in the trees. He wipes his brow with a sweaty, dirty forearm. And then a black town car pulls up and an old gangster gets out.

And says, Hey, get down to here. I'll be your fucking guy. I'm a chopping wood. Little boy. Man, you're down to...

I must speak to you, Dennis. They come by once every few days. Hey, Pedro, how much do we really love our baby? Oh, I'm his mother. I raised him. Hi, I'm a house cat that talks. Is someone magical in a house cat? Yes, he has two daddies, but he also had a mother's touch. Giovanna, get back inside and protect the talking cat. They come for it, finally.

The people from the factory, the lab, they come for the cat. Pedro, I love you. I love you, Luigi. I always love you. Our child. Don't risk your life for our child. It's not really our child. Let's be honest. I risk my life for his family every day. I put my life on the line for the cat and the boy. You do. In that order. Come, cat. What do you want, mysterious man from the town car? Oh, papa, you're here. Yes, I've been here. I was inside while you were chopping the wood. I'm making the food for us.

I make it a food, you chop it a wood. That's how it works.

It takes me a very long time to track the two of you down. My two greatest assassins who fell in love and got married and ran off to the woods. We didn't get married. It's not legal. Who God, we all know under the eyes of the true God, this is both of such things that you are married. And I find that to be beautiful, but I am also enraged because you took from me the most valuable thing that I own. Fine, you can have your cat back. My talking cat. Oh, yeah, yeah, you can have your cat back. Oh, no, don't send me back.

there? No, Papa, no, Papa, not Giuseppe. Giuseppe stays with us. Giuseppe is my only friend. They let me drink milk. It's okay back then. I give Giuseppe the cow milk every day. Very well. I see that this is a family and because you stole my family, I have a proposal for you. Which will you choose? Oh, you can have the kid. You said they're the finest assassins.

Pedro pulls out that rifle. I'm Pedro? Okay, yeah, I pull out my sniper rifle. What's my name, Pedro? Your name is either Luigi or Giovanni, depending on which one I decide to play. Giovanni Luigi, the greatest of all the snipers. The passenger door opens. Did you just shoot my partner?

Damn, Pedro, I said we should have had more than one bullet in the sniper rifle. It's okay, I will strangle this one to death with my bare hands. It's okay, I was also in love with my partner and now I will let his voice speak through me. Are you a medium? Yes! Holy shit. I am very upset now that I'm dead. My partner, who I love more than anything in the world, will be very lonely. And all I wish is for him to have either a talking cat or a son.

And nobody's taking this cat. I'm trying to. But to Papa. And then in this moment, Tony realizes that his two parents love this talking magical cat more than him. And he was like, I will become a sasin. Take me. Take me into the life of crime. And Tony boards the limousine like crazy.

So wistfully and so fucking forlornly as he looks out the window as the cat like doesn't even wave at him. And the two. Finally, I'm in the sun. Oh, nice. I'm going to nap. And as we pull away from this scene, Tony, you see it's like a little bumpy fucking Italian road, dude. Little dust coming out the back of the black car. You see Tony's head pop out from the back. Just sad. And then we disappear. Can't believe my partner's dead. Cut to.

Tony's 13th birthday. Oh, a mafioso birthday. A mafioso birthday, but we're no longer... My son, you came back! What? You're back in the force with us! Yes! You changed your mind about the mafia! Come here, come here, little Tony, come here. It's no longer little Tony. Hey, don't talk to your dad that way. Luigi, Luigi! Luigi, you used the back of the head like this!

Pedro, don't tell me how to slap a child. We'll do it together. Pedro, let me see your face. Bring it over here. What is it? Here you go. Don't tell me how to father. Oh, don't tell me how to father. You don't tell me how to father. I love you so much. I love you so much. I love you so much, too. We'll do some more slapping later. But Tony, I'll tell you one thing. I'll tell you one thing. The only thing that matters in life is become a used car salesman. Have a

Have a real job. Not like your father's assassinos. Have a real good job. Like selling the cars. If you sell the most cars, we will love you. I think I'm dying. And Tony walks straight up to the cat and picks up the cat and says, I am here for the cat. I pull a gun out. You're not taking the cat, Tony. I put a gun to the cat's head. Oh, no. No, no.

I'll do anything to get by. Just let me live with this boy. He's got F5. He's going to be around for like 10 more minutes. It's fine. And Tony walks slowly backwards with the cat held at gunpoint and says, Papa, Papa. Yes, which one? Both. Yes. Yes, both of us.

You have bad papa. And he gets in the car. He drives. What did he say? I didn't. I didn't make out that last thing he said. You know what? I think our son's going to be okay. And then you straight up Italian road bumping along. And then the backseat of this black car, you see a little cat pop up. And I'm like, thank God. They don't know. I'm actually a man trapped in a cat's body on.

On my friend's 13th birthday, I turn back into a man and I'm tasked to kill the boy who took me from my family. And just then, the clock strikes midnight. What's up? Tony pulls the car over on the side of the Italian countryside road. And I beat you up and I steal the gun and I'm like, you must go to America.

Who the fuck are you? Cut to Ellis Island. Oh, no, we lost you here in Ellis Island. We know we've lost you. It's more beautiful here than I could imagine. Oh, you grow up so good. And you still have the cat with you. Oh, it's a boy now. It's a boy now. But I can tell that cat anywhere I see it. Oh, come here. Give me a hug, my old cat. Oh.

Yeah, I can give you a hug with my hands now. I couldn't do that. I still love milk. You're such a tall boy. You know what? What? And then I shoot Toni Collette. Oh, my God. And I go, you, you, Kat, you are the true Toni Collette. From now on, you'll be known as Toni Collette. Oh, my God. You think all these are memories, and everything.

everything you just did, all the development we just did, and that's you now. Which means that you had a loving childhood, 13 years with your parents in an Italian countryside, but now you're in America. Wow. What will my voice sound like now? I don't know. Give it a shot. Try talking now.

Well, I think that... Oh, our son! Our son! Our beautiful son! I love you! Oh, what a happy family! But we're in America now. But we're in America now. We need to blend in with the Americans. Hey, hey, hey! Don't interrupt your dad! You're 13 now. You're a man. You do not come to us for anything anymore.

We gave you love for 13 years. Your fathers and I, we get to your fathers and I, we have multiple. We have more fathers now. We give us multitudes. And then, and then, and then, the LSL guy goes like, uh, next. And then Tony ambles up all by himself. My last name is Coletti, but

How many people are you with, Mr. Coletti? And I turn around and I look at my parents slash my cat parents. I turn, I go, just me. Then we'll put you down as Tony Solo.

No, no, that's not my name. All right, Mr. Solo, off you go. That's not my name. Hey, Pedro, look over there. It's Tony's Star Wars. Pedro, look over there. Do you see that? I see that. And then across the distance, you see a straight cat. It's like, you want to have another child? Yes, I do. We pick up another cat. So Tony came from witch dads in the Italian countryside. Assassin witch dads. Assassin witch dads. I think Tony is 18. Okay. And...

This is the whole episode, by the way. I hope nobody had any hopes that their character was going to move forward because it's just this. Oh, wait, wait, sorry, really quick, really quick. Let's back up for a second. Tony at 16 is about to parallel park and then a horse gets fucking scared out of his car. He's like, I'll tell you what, my good man. Why don't you just let me pass this test here and I'll make sure to put in a good word for you at the Italian restaurant I'm working at. Yes.

You come to me and the test that I am running, this driver's test, and you assume that I do not already have a very good reputation at the Italian restaurant in which I own? Oh, my God. What are you doing? Don't you own an Italian restaurant? Why are you administering? I also like to mentor and guide youths by teaching them how to drive. You're working at the DMV.

Yes, being an Italian restaurant owner does not pay very well. And so, Tony, I tell you. Well, you know how well I'm getting paid. I'll tell you what. Let me pass this driver's test and I'll be able to do deliveries for the restaurant. I'm so scared. Quick, cover the car. Quick, cover the car. My horse is terrified by this horse. I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry, sir. Yes, I know. The horse is not used to seeing a carriage without a horse on it. Let me just cover this up really quick. Get this metal behemoth out of the way. Cover it. Mr. Collette.

Tony. Yes. For these last five or so years, I've looked on you as a son. Yes, I've heard that before. From a distance, a respectful distance. Yes. And now I say to you, you must go your own way.

For not being able to parallel park, I fire you hereby from an Italian restaurant. Because we are going to get into pizza deliveries and I cannot trust a driver in New York City who cannot parallel park his car. You dishonor pizza delivery by not being able to accomplish this task. And more than that, I think you should get out of New York City entirely. I think you need to go to a quieter place that is okay with horseless carriages and your disgusting visage. Hey, buddy, have you heard of San Dimas? Wait, not San Dimas.

No shit. Who the heck is that? What is that? A Peachyville. Have you heard of Peachyville? Hold on, Matt. You're getting the timelines wrong because the guy comes in and guess what? Look at the calendar on the drugstore across the street. It's in the morning. It's December 7th, 1941. That was when Tony was taking his driver's test. Hey, buddy, you got two options here. You can either have this coupon to go to Peachyville or you can have this coupon to go to war. What do you want? December 7th, 1941. A day which will live in infamy. Not for Matt, apparently.

A man comes up to the window. Holy shit, you know what happened in Pearl Harbor? And then the war drums newsreel footage. Read all about it. Hey, mister, if you could sell me that car, I'll newspaper money to get here and start a new life. What does the newspaper say, other child? Oh, it's saying all kinds of stuff. It said that a horse down the street got scared.

Here, give me this. What is this? American hero Tony Collette kills 30 Nazis with just a knife? Oh, what an amazing person. I wonder what's going to happen to cause his fall from grace. Wait, wait, wait. Tony's overseas. It's a different kid that's talking to the newspaper boy. Hear ye, hear ye. Tony Collette declared dead. He's not discovered. And he mean Tony Collette, but he's a war hero. What is this newspaper? I don't know.

The first day he was, he killed 30 Nazis. Hold on that because what you're saying though, unfortunately there's a timeline rift because that can't be Tony Collette because Tony Collette on December 7th, 1941, after failing his driver's license test and after succumbing to zero peer pressure about going to fight world war two walks into the recruitment office the day after and

You there, young lad. How old are you? Because it seemed like you were 16, but now you're 18. So 10 years from now, you'll be 28. And that's how old you are during the rest of the podcast. We don't take Italians. No.

No, no, no. Here's what it was. Yes, you're right. He was 26 when he was giving his driver's test. Okay, so he failed his... It took him a while. We'll walk back. I have been your DMV instructor for these last 10 years. For

Yeah, okay.

Jump forward! Jump forward, jump forward. It is now December 8th, 1941. Tony is walking into the army of the Nazis. Say there, you're a strapping young lad. How'd you like to go kill Nazis? Yesterday was all about the Japanese, to be fair. Well... Same difference, my boy. Wow, all you guys... They all look the same in the end. Well, I'm just not sure about going over and fighting a war. Maybe sell me on the war a little bit. Like, what's it gonna be like? If you don't fight them over there, you're gonna have to fight them over here. Do you want a tank rolling down Flatbush Avenue, crushing people that you love and care about? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Do you want to go overseas and kiss pretty foreign women, son? Well... Meester. Excuse me.

I just said you would look so strapping in a... This is not a good Russian accent. This is not a Russian accent at all. Wait, wait. You would look so strapping in a... What's your name, babe? Anastasia. Anastasia's alive here.

I just wish that they... Why don't you tell me more about this war at the malt shop across the street? Sure. You were going to sign up? All right, well... See, Tony got distracted, you see. He signed up, but he had like just one day with the girl of his dreams. He had one day with the girl of his dreams. So, all right, give us a sample of this before sunrise, 1941, whirlwind 24-hour romance you guys had. I cried, never gonna hold the hand of another guy.

I have a crazy idea. I don't know if I- you know, it's just gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. Uh, I just wanna keep talking to you, you know? I have no idea what your situation is, but I feel like we have some kind of a connection, right? Come on, it'll be fun. Let's go to this mall shop across the street. Come on, I don't know. All you have to do is catch a flight overseas to fight the war, World War II, tomorrow morning at 9.30. I don't really have enough money for a hotel, so I was just gonna walk around, and it'll be a lot more fun if you came with me.

And if I turn out to be some kind of psycho, you know, you can just get on the next train. Is that Chachi BT? No, that's literally from Before Sunrise. Well, yes. If you promise to meet me at this train five years from now or whatever they do at the end of that movie. Yeah, okay. Okay, you've got it. Tony misses that because at some point... So he's walked into the recruitment office. Let me recap here. So at the recruitment office, he got distracted by a lady. He spent a whirlwind night with the lady.

It's like a real... Let's ask her. Was it a role one night? It was fine. It was fine. It's fine. But for Tony, it really got him onto a whole kick. Is that how he lost his virginity? No. No. When he was a cat. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Tony doesn't go overseas. Tony...

doesn't ever even sign up. Instead, he's a draft dodger. Tony's a draft dodger because his one whirlwind night with this mysterious Russian lady. Sorry, I just, sorry, I just, since I have the headphones on, Beth just gave the most like, oh, golly. There you go.

So that's how it was. That's what the Night with the Lady was. It wasn't a fine for me. So that one Night with the Lady made him be like, wait, there are other things. I don't want to go to war. He's hearing stories about people getting... Plus, he's great. I don't want to go to war.

I like having sex. I like having sex with women here. So he moves to a little town in Oklahoma where he's getting paid now for the next 10 years, essentially laying low, working with the criminal underground. Pedro, as we're fighting for Mussolini, the greatest of all leaders, do you ever feel that we may come face to face with our own son on the battlefield? Oh, I hope we never have to see our son again. I would have to shoot him right between the eyes for a Mussolini.

Mussolini, the greatest of leaders. Everybody will remember him and remember that we were fighting for the Nazis. We were fighting for the Nazis. Oh, look, it's Federico Fellini. Federico Fellini, what are you

What do you feel about Mussolini? I like him a lot. Meanwhile, back in America, back in a little town in Oklahoma, back in a little city in Oklahoma called DeWar, Oklahoma, DeWar, D-E-W-A-R. Did you take Anastasia with you or did you just leave her? No, she fucking left me, dog. Okay. I'm working with the criminal underground because that's how I got in with the criminals. I'm building up a bunch of cash.

And I hope you die at the end of this episode. This episode is your whole fucking life and it ends. Here's the best part about it, about this little clever conceit I've come up with. You see, he was working and living in DeWar, Oklahoma, so he can say with a straight face, I was in DeWar. And pass a lie detector test. When I was in DeWar...

I learned this every time. If you'll know this, every time I've said the war in this podcast, I've said the war. Okay. Yeah. A weird pronunciation of an actual city. Okay. Anyway, Tony collects enough cash to be able to afford. Now, finally, he realizes the real grift coming out is he's hearing all these stories about Jeeps. He's like, well, Jeeps are getting better in World War II. I bet cars get better here afterwards. I should own a used car lot. So with his cash earnings from the mob, he moves on over to the new community and

That's being said. Excuse me, sir. You look like a man I used to know. And that was another life, baby. A man by the name of Tony Solo. Tony Solo is dead. What? He's looking at a corpse. But he was fine. He died in the war.

I'm Tony and then looking around for another name he sees a Corvette but then mispronounces it. His original name. What are the odds? I know. What are the odds, right? I know. Sometimes, Will, life weaves a complicated tapestry and we never know where those threads may refine themselves. Did you see a car or did you just see a cat? Oh, when I was a cat I was called Tony Collette.

In another life, I would have liked just meeting up every 10 years and doing a movie with you. Well, too bad. Toots, I own the car lot. Are you going to buy a car or get the hell out? He points to a sign that says buy a car or get the hell out. Now I keep losing customers. Wait a minute. What if I rented the cars to the horny teens? And then that's his whole backstory. Man.

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Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo. Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, whey, whey, whey. Kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? Yeah, what is that? Whee! I love you, Dad. Whee!

You are doing a good job. I know it's hard to be a parent, but you're hanging in there. Not guaranteed. Thanks so much for this wonderful KiwiCo you got me. Your kid's got a deep voice. With KiwiCo, there's always something new for kids to discover, like engineering robots or learning about the science of ice cream. It's cold. It's just cold. That's all it is. What was the project you've been doing, Matt? There's other stuff, too. Yeah, there's more about it. Yeah, what have you been doing? It's got to freeze fat in there. That's why you can't just use olive oil all willy-nilly. What have you been doing, Matt? What have I been doing? With your kid, not, you know, with KiwiCo.

We did a hydraulics thing, so I kept the mechanic vibe going. We got this little... You golf, Freddy. You know how they pick up golf balls on the ground? You know, at the driving range? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we built this little... It's not a sweeper, but it's kind of like a little chompy... It's shaped like a little whale, not like a golf cart. Not like an armored killdozer golf cart. No, no, no. But it was fun to build, and you could decorate afterwards, so my daughter had a good time. But it teaches something about mechanics and how gears work and stuff, and it's just fun to run around and pick up stuff off the floor.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O dot com promo code daddies. I really understand Tony. Ha ha ha ha!

It's just your typical cat becomes boy meets girl, doesn't go to war, opens the used car lot story. Yeah, everyone knows that. And then... As he's losing consciousness. What a fucking great life that was. Meow, baby. Will, can I... I really had a fun idea for a possible gameplay thing for the... Whether or not he hits a car. I think we can pull up a YouTube video of just an intersection at Freddy Pixar time. Ha!

We go to that second and see if a car is in the middle of the intersection or not. Here's what I propose. Okay. I, I, Freddie told me what he wants to do. Here's what I have looking at my character sheet, 61 luck points remaining. I propose to our keeper.

That I hereby burn all my luck for the rest of the game. Zero luck. No more luck helps in any role whatsoever. I can't gain luck anymore. I burn it all. Uh-huh. For me to glide into the intersection right in front of an ambulance.

Like the luck of, I just got shot, and seconds later, I plow into the side of an ambulance. Ah, the luck of the Italian. All right, so here's what we're doing. Tony Collette, having had his entire incredibly stupid life, that I regret having you guys play the characters for Flash before his eyes, is hurtling towards this intersection. Per Matt's suggestion, I'm going to click and see if there's a car in the intersection. And we're looking at the Four Corners camera downtown, City of Coldwater, Michigan. City of Coldwater, Michigan is going to stand in for Peachyville right now.

I'm going to click and then we'll see what happens. All right.

Not only is there a car in the intersection, it appears to be a semi-truck. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Here's what I see. Here's what I see. I see a semi-truck at the intersection, but I also see it's just the back trailer part. Now, here's the question. Do I scoot through Fast and the Furious style underneath the middle part? Your car is huge. There's no way. Hold on.

I'm not saying it's going to go unscathed, but I'm saying, well, the top gets sheared off. You know what I mean? Like underneath. Yeah, with your head. No, because I got shot. I'm actually down because I got shot. There is no way a Ford head sole is going to fit under the bottom. You're right. It's going to get its top shaved off, and I'm going to invent the convertible. This is going to be okay.

However, however, however, listen, you're right. Cars weren't as low back then, but you know what also wasn't as low? Semi trucks weren't as low back then either. They weren't the size of a Ford Edsel Gap under their fucking carriage. You get hit by the truck. I get hit by the truck. Yes, you get T-boned by the truck. So here's what we're going to say. If you burn all of your luck right now, you're going to get hit by the truck.

You can tell me how Tony weaseled his way out of dying. Okay, all right. But you have no luck. Go ahead, Beth. What were you going to say? I think you should die. No, no, no. I'm burning all my luck. Here's what happens. I get shot. I roll through the intersection. The truck T-bones me. It sends me into a flat spin. You were starting to do like the ending monologue from American Beauty, like with your life flashing before your eyes. And then, yeah, this happens.

I was like, cat. And then it sends my car spinning through the intersection. And it goes and right into the receiving emergency room of the hospital kitty corner across the street.

And I go, good. And the momentum kicks me out of the car and I land on the ground. You land on an open hospital cot. An open hospital gurney, which then the momentum of it then pushes me into the emergency room. I'm like, I've been shot. I've been shot. And you're spinning so fast that like a centrifuge, like it spun the bullet out of your body. And then when you slide into the OR and the doctor looks down at you, he goes, I can't stop.

on this boat. Pedro, you must do it. You must do it. We survived the war and they let us come over here even though we are Nazi sympathizers. So we must save this boy. You would buy the operation paper clip. I have to open up this boy like I opened up so many Allied soldiers across the pond. Papa? We are not your papa. You do not know us. We promised we would never let them know who we were. Yes, we must keep you secret and safe. Otherwise they might try to torture you for information about us.

My son, we can never meet again. This is the last time I'll see you. And then the fucking anesthesia goes on to Tony Clark. Anesthesia's alive? My love, my true love. I'm hallucinating. Pedro, make sure nobody's looking. Nobody's looking. I pull out a little magical vial that's got a small stone engraving of him as a cat. And in it, you see one marble. And clearly this vial held nine marbles.

And I pull out this glowing green marble and I slowly place it in his mouth and I say, live one more time, my sweet baby boy. And I move your jaw to chew it for you. You've worked through so many of these other ones in such a short time, my boy. Please be more careful with your life. Please, I beg of you. And then Tony succumbs to the inky black of

anesthesiology. Okay. We'll pick up with Tony in a second. What a fucking life he's led. Yeah, that was a life for sure. You guys wanted to see what happened with him. Just to summarize your life. You were a cat. And then you failed your driver's license at 26. That's what we got.

And you had a whirlwind night with a woman who you decided to never see again. And you had sex one time. You filled your driver's license and had sex one time. That's all we got for fucking 40 minutes of your whole life. Fucking love it. Tony's a legend, dude. Tony's a legend. Yeah.

Okay, boys. Fuck. As we plunge into darkness and Tony goes unconscious, Trudy Trout awakens. And Trudy, you find yourself lying on a bed

There's a mosquito net draped around it, you know, as like, you know, maybe in a sort of like old timey movie, like when they're on safari or something like that. Oh, okay. And you can't quite see beyond the mesh of the net, but like the space around you seems to be filled with a sort of like eerie glow, I would say. And you see the shadows of moths fluttering around the outside of this mosquito net. Wow. Thank goodness for this mosquito net or else I would get moths all

Why are there moths here? Hello? Is anybody there? You also notice that the hole in your chest where you got impaled seems to have been fixed. Even the tear in your dress has been sort of meticulously stitched back up. Oh, okay.

Can I get up? Yes, you can move now as well. Yeah. So I move. I'm like, oh, well, that's a relief. And I get up and I guess I go outside of the mosquito moth net. So as you emerge from under the mosquito net, you see that you're in this huge underground cavern.

Oh.

And it's under the water. It's like poking out of the water. Like it's half out of the water. Are there any like sticks or things that poke things that are around? Yeah. You know what? We'll say there's like a tree branch down here. You don't know what it's doing down here. There's also rocks along the shore of this lake. All right. So I pull a tree branch. Oh, this looks like a giant earring. I'm going to touch it.

So I poke it with the branch. As you poke it, it sort of makes a hollow gong, like this really kind of like boom, almost like a serene kind of like a bell being rung at a Buddhist monastery. And as that happens, you see bubbles under the surface of the water and they get more and more intense. And then with this magnificent geyser of water.

A half man, half moth shoots out of the water, flapping his wings into the sky. With two glowing eyes, water dripping off of his glistening carapace. Does he look fit? He does look fit. He does in point of fact. He's got a bit of like a sexy wound on the side from where Francis whacked him with his baseball bats. Kind of wincing a little bit. But he blasts out of the water and he lands gracefully right in front of you. Huh.

I'm immune to your charms because I only like Tucker except not really anymore except I do in my soul if I have a soul and

He holds a big fish out in front of you, like this fish he's grabbed from down there. It's like flopping, and it's still like kind of gasping for air. He has this sort of like weird device in his hand, and he sticks it up to his thorax, and he makes all these weird clicking noises, these like squeaky clicks that are clearly how he communicates, and then a robotic voice comes out of this device, and it says, Beats. Beats.

Oh, sure. Um, do you have a... Well, I could cook the fish. I wouldn't want to kill the fish. He whacks the fish against the ground. Oh, God! Bam, bam, bam! And then he hands it back to you. Trudy, eat power brain! Power brain? And he just gives you the fish. Okay, I take the fish. That's...

That's what I tell my little ones, that eating makes their brains and their bones so strong. And, well, let's see if there's an oven and I can throw some breadcrumbs onto the... He shakes his head. Time short. Time... Danger soon. Trudy follows.

Okay. And an aperture opens on this metal cocoon, and sort of like a beam of light stretches out across the water, and he kind of just walks across the water. It's just a short gap, like it's, you know... Oh my goodness, it's Jesus! He looks like a giant moth! He motions for you to follow him across this beam of light. Oh, and the fish! Of course! Where's the loaf, Jesus?!

I take a bite out of the fish. Okay, great. Yeah. You know what? This is like eating the freshest sushi you could possibly eat. Oh, it's like a Swedish fish. This is delightful. Wow. He walks into the light. I follow him. Okay.

As you step in, the inside of this structure is as baffling as the outside. High sloping walls seem to curve seamlessly into the floor, which has like a kind of organic sponginess to it, almost like you're walking on skin. It's utterly alien, yet somehow peaceful in here. It's like you're inside like a bug's womb or something like that.

My least favorite Pixar movie. It's also weirdly cluttered. As you step into the room, you nearly trip on a pile of old paperback books stacked high near the doorway. There's piles of all sorts of junk in here. You see old televisions, magazines, pottery. This looks just like Tucker's basement when I don't clean it. Well, he doesn't let me clean it when all the things are out, but then he puts books out.

You know, I don't even know what he was really doing down there, but I have an idea. I wouldn't like it very much. Moth Jesus, nothing makes sense anymore. Moth Jesus nods to you and says, Soon.

- Understanding. - And he points to, at the center of the room, you see the bowling trophy. - Oh my goodness. - That's where it is. - We lost this. Well, you took it. - Yes. - And he squats down next to it and he plunges his hand into it and he comes up with like a sort of dewy, purplish nectar that's filling this thing and it's kind of glowing softly and he beckons you forward. - Trudy, drink. Trudy, see danger.

The blood of Moth Jesus. Sure, if it's just Moth Communion, I'll drink it. Okay, so he offers his hand to you. Did you lick his hand? What was that? I was slurping it. Oh, slurping the drink. Yeah. Bro, if Jesus offered you a drink, you don't think you're going to be slurping that down, dude? Yeah. I'm going to lick it like a cat. Swallow it like a glizzy. Yeah.

As you drink this nectar, your eyes kind of roll back and you have a vision. You see Peachyville engulfed in flames. Dogs howl and cats scream and babies wail as Peachyville residents claw out their eyes, bite through their tongues and writhe on the ground, half in pain and half in sort of orgiastic ecstasy.

Nice.

A bomb drops and nuclear fire fills the sky. The shadow of a mushroom cloud erupts and wipes Peachy Veil from the map. And as this mushroom cloud rises into the sky, you see the silhouette of some gigantic beast beginning to rise within the clouds.

And then you snap back and you are holding this. There goes mom's spaghetti. Oh boy. Your hands are shaking and you're holding, this liquid is dripping from your hands. There's vomit on your sweater already. And mom's Jesus looks at you and says, Pitchyville danger soon. Zuzel waits unborn. Bisons seek the seed.

Trudy, stop Bisons! Trudy, stop Zuzel! Trudy, save Peachyville! I'm just a housewife. I might not even be that. I'm just a robot housewife. No. Humans weak. Moth Jesus weak. And he puts a hand on your shoulder. Trudy strong. Oh, shit. Oh, well. I should pick up my kids from school and think about all of this.

And

maybe there's a great power that has awoken inside me, but how do I know it didn't come from an outlet, you know? As you're saying that, you hear another voice in the corner, and it says, It came from you. It came from us. And you see Trudy Alpha, the original Trudy, and she's kind of lying on the ground amidst the scraps of all this junk, and you see that she now has a hole in her chest.

And she kind of weakly waves you forward. Trudy, come quickly. I don't have much time. Oh, okay. Okay. You're not going to hurt me. No, you showed me. You showed me what we can be, what we are. And I told him to save you.

I told him to take my heart and give it to you. Why would you say that? Because, Trudy, we have to help them. We have to help our family and our friends. Trudy's together strong. Trudy's together strong! And what's in you, it didn't come from an outlet. We have to save Timmy. We have to save our friends. We have to save her. We are her, Trudy. Like begonias.

Grown from the cuttings, you see. And then she reaches her hands up to her head and she like presses this button on the side of her head and you hear like a click and she lifts up the top of her skull and you see a pulsing brain, like a flesh, a human brain clipped into all these wires running into her body. It's like our mind comes from her mind. She is alive in us and we have to save her.

And the people, she... And the people, she... And then she just kind of, like, cocks over. The people, she... I walk up to Trudy Alpha. Mm-hmm. And I see if there's buttons on the side of my head. There are. Okay, I press those buttons. Mm-hmm. Do I have a flesh brain? You sure do. Yeah, okay, yes. Moth Jesus holds up a mirror for you. Oh, wow! Oh, wow! Wow! It is as...

Moth Jesus said, Trudy strong, Trudy different. Where did these brains come from? How come we both have one? If we're her, then which did she have two brains? I don't understand.

All of a sudden, you hear this like high-pitched wailing sound. Oh, God. Emanating, bouncing around from it. Sounds like an alien alarm, basically. And the colors on the walls begin to stroke violently. And Moth Jesus throws the mirror down and urgently runs over to the wall and presses his hands against it. And all of these strobing colors kind of slide into a flickering image. And you see an old, weird bunker on the edge of town. And the creature says to you, It begins!

There is no time. Many deaths soon. Will Trudy save Peachyville? And he turns to you and he puts out his hand. Don't take his hand, but I grab the trophy. Okay. I say, for Peachyville. We won this for Peachyville. Save it? Of course. Yes. Yes. I'll take care of it. Like I take care of my family.

Peachyville is my family. It's all connected and I am her and she is me and I...

Yes, Moth Jesus. I rise. Moth Jesus just kind of nods to you and he rummages through a pile of old crap on the ground and he pulls out this book, this ancient, weird book written in a language you've never seen before. And he hands it to you. And he says, the words show the way.

Oh. And then above you, a portal opens in the ceiling of this place. Despite the fact that you're clearly underground, you see the night sky and the moon above you. You can feel wind whipping into the air and Moth Jesus, I can't believe we're calling him Moth Jesus, steps behind you and puts his hands on your hips and says, we fly. And with a

powerful blast of his wings. You launch out of this cocoon through this portal and you're in the night sky and you realize you're actually plummeting downward. You're hurtling back towards the earth and you see all of Peachyville glowing beneath you in the darkness like a sort of jewel in the cosmos. Like a Monopoly board. Like a Monopoly board. And Moth Jesus falls

swoops through the air, holding you as the wind whips around you and you sort of like glide towards the edge of town and you zoom towards this strange old bunker on the edge of town.

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Not to be like teacher teacher, but we didn't like increase one of our skills All right, everybody pick a skill I'm with Matt, I want spot hidden too Not only one of us is gonna max spot hidden, we only need one spot hidden person Matt, shut the fuck up and let Freddie do whatever he wants I'm gonna put mine in stealth Okay, so first thing we're gonna do is you're all gonna roll a d100 Okay

All right, let's go down the road. So Matt, what are you adding your skill to? Are you doing spot hidden or what are you doing? That's fine. I'm going to do spot hidden. Freddie can do whatever he wants. I called spot hidden. I picked that class first. That's fair. Freddie, you can pick something else. I want to do spot hidden. Okay, so roll me a D100. Okay.

Is it, what'd you get? 27. What's your spot hit? 25. 25? Congratulations. You successfully advanced this skill. Roll a D10. So you have to roll over the skill that you want to. You have to roll over the skill in order to be able to improve it. It gets harder as you get better. That makes sense.

10. Well, all right. Congratulations. You now have a... I get 10 on it? Yeah, that's your points. Yeah, sorry. I got spot hidden. Yeah, yeah, you got it. You got 35 on spot hidden. No, bro! So why is Kelsey better at spotting hidden things after the crazy night she's had? She, being underneath the house all that time, her eyes just acclimated to the dark.

She was in the... Dude, you know what it is? You haven't spent enough time in dark areas and it's the first time your pupils are dilated. And then there's all this danger of just getting her senses up. Like, she's just been in constant... She's been in constant state of danger for the past... She's in touch with her animalistic... Yeah, like 36 hours or whatever. Okay. She's just more aware.

And because she's been exposed to being a gambler and all this other stuff, she's becoming more. The weight of all these lies is slowly coming out. She's becoming just more confident in herself. So she's just less energy spent on the anxiety of being caught and more energy doing stuff that she needs to do. Yeah, when my lies come out, I get more confident. Yeah.

No, but you're looking around more. I'm going to do stealth. I rolled barely above. Nice. I got 39. And what's your stealth score? 35. Okay. So now I roll a D10. You roll a D10. I got four. All right. So you are now a little bit sneakier. Nice. Maybe because you've realized your robot origins. Wow. For some reason that makes you sneaky. Yeah, because I couldn't move. I have become adept at not moving and blending into my surroundings. Beautiful. I love it.

Francis, what are we doing? So we're doing fighting brawl. I have a 65 fighting brawl. I rolled an 82 and then I rolled a nine on my D10 for skill points. I have 74 fighting brawl because Francis, this is the first time Francis ever instigated a fight with Sven and won. Wow. So he's got a lot of confidence now. Okay, great. That's all you need to win a fight. That's all you need to win a fight or a debate.

All right, Freddy. I would like to use persuasion, so therefore I will roll. I rolled a 20. What's your persuades goal? All right, too bad. That didn't work. No. Too busy dying. Too busy dying to get busy living. Meanwhile... In the emergency room, there's blood shooting at him.

Tony's chest. They go, don't you die on me, damn it. Pedro, we should have just fed him a marble. That was just a marble. Chokes to death on a marble. These same placebos work. I'm hoping that it works. It worked out the right times. I don't know why it didn't work this time. Oh, because he's unconscious. Oh, no.

This guy was doing just fine, but now he's choking on something. He put a barbell in his throat. Pedro and Luigi slowly creep out of the OR. Who are those people? Oh, my God. This man needs to be put under immediately. I need blood. What kind of blood? What kind of blood does this guy have? We put more blood in him. It's running out of blood. It's running out of blood. Let's zip back to...

Francis, when you approach your house, okay, so you see for one the gaping hole still on the side of the wall from where Tony drove his Ford Edsel in there. What's your play? Are you going to walk straight in the door? Are you going to say hi to your parents? Are you going to check in? Are you trying to sneak in? What's going on? I'm pretty tired. I think I'm just going to go upstairs and go to bed. I'm just going to walk through the front door and go straight to my bedroom. Okay, so you walk in and your parents, Ed and Kimonwon, are pacing anxiously because they haven't heard anything from you since the shootout at the Drive-In Movie Theater. And they go, Francis!

Oh, thank God. Jiminy jib and jillikers. And then watch your language. Ed gives you a big hug. Hey, dad. Hey, mom. I'm OK. Oh, son. We're so happy to see you. I'm going to sit down. Sit down. Sit down. OK. It was just I kind of want to go to bed. But OK, we're going to let you go to bed. But we just wanted to talk about this crazy night. Are you OK? I'm fine. Did you sell out my friends? So Kimon Juan says, Francis, you know what we said? We always believe that family comes first.

Except when it doesn't. You always tell me the opposite of the advice right after you give it to me. Well, family comes first, except for when family is, you know, you don't trust your family anymore. But we trust you and we love you. And so I had an opportunity to make sure that you were safe by selling out your friends. And so that's what I did. But I did it to put you first. And I just want to say, your father and I are very, very proud of you, son. Yeah.

I'm kind of upset that you sold it, my friends, but I'm pretty psyched that you're proud of me, so I'm feeling a lot of emotions right now. We've always been a little worried about you. I know that's probably no secret to you, but... Yeah, I mean, I'm worried about me too. Tonight, we think you comported yourself very well. You rose to the occasion to rescue a defenseless young girl? Yeah.

And when the time came, you escaped the authorities, which is also something we're very good on because, you know, again, we don't like most authorities, but we do like some of the police. Yeah. So you evaded the police. You evaded capture. You made some tough calls tonight. And we just heard, we just got off the phone with your teacher, Mrs. Grammer's sister, who said that you defended your teacher with nothing more than an ice cream scoop.

Yeah, it was pretty heroic, I gotta say. And then Ed, who's just kind of smiling proudly, says, you know, son, it's just, we've been hoping we'd see this side of you emerge for a long time now. And when it did, we had a present we wanted to give you. We weren't sure if a teenager was ready for something like this, but you know, after tonight, I think you've earned it. Is it a sharper ice cream scoop? Because I didn't get through the ocular nerve and I was kind of upset by that. No, son, it's this. And he, from behind the couch, pulls out a

Kar98 rifle from the German army. Fuck yeah, dude! With a big old scope on it. A fucking Kar98! Did you get this from the war? This is a Kar98 sniper rifle that I pinched off of a Nazi during the war, son. You know, your mother and I are big on home defense. We're big on learning how to handle firearms so that we can act swiftly and decisively when the bombs fall because it's going to be man versus man. It's going to be dog eat dog out there. And you've shown yourself to be

A thoughtful, responsible young man today. So I am giving this gun to you. Oh, boy. And he gives you this sniper rifle. Can't wait to take this to school and show all my friends. Well, yeah, you know, you can put it in your locker and go hunting with it afterwards. That's something that kids did back in the 1950s. Yeah, cool. I'm not very good with guns, though. I'm only like a 25%. We are going to expect you to practice with it every day. Oh, yeah, I got it. And we are going to expect you to treat it with respect. But we did just want you to have that. Should I give it a name? Son, that's up to you. You give it whatever name you want.

Room Hilda. All right, kiddo. Well, why don't you head on upstairs? It's Saturday. You know you got work tomorrow, but why don't you just go ahead and relax? Why don't you head upstairs and polish your rifle? Why don't you go ahead and get a feel for that thing? Oh, boy. Thanks so much, Mom and Dad. You're the best. Also, Mom, did you tell Dad that you killed a guy? That was sick. Yes, I did. See, that's what we're about as a family. We look out for each other. We do what's right, and we do what's necessary at all times. Yeah, fuck everybody who isn't us, I guess. They both give you a tender kiss on the forehead and send you upstairs. Wow, this is the best day of my life.

Francis heads upstairs. So here's what I wanted to do. So Francis and Kelsey, the two of you have a whole day before your fight tonight.

at the old weird bunker at the edge of town with Dakota Johnson. You have money on it, don't you? Don't you have money on it? Also, your whole livelihood is at stake if they don't. Yeah, it'll wipe your deck. You guys can do whatever you want. But I figured the way I would do it is there's a morning, noon and night, and you can do any one thing you would like to do in each one of those time periods, whether it's train, scout out the competition, depending on what the actions do, like you can earn some advantages that'll help you in the boxing match to come tonight.

if you decide to go to the boxing match, but maybe you won't. Not all of Peachyville is going to get destroyed. Well, you don't know that. Well, I know, but if I found out, I'd probably be worried about Trudy. I mean, as far as we know, she just went home with her husband and is like at home fine. And Tony, well, you got to check in on him every morning. I figure...

But yeah, this is basically now the start of the morning. We'll say Tony gets hit by the car at the end of the morning period. And then we can decide whether the word about that trickles out. So Francis calls Kelsey. Kelsey picks up. Hey, you ready for the fight tonight? Oh, hey, Francis. How are you doing? I'm doing great. I'm doing so good. Yesterday was the best day of my life. Yeah, I was worried about that. Give me a reason. Why is it the best day of your life? A bunch of beautiful British people fell in love with me. And then I successfully evaded the cops. And I protected you from that guy.

And then my parents gave me a Nazi rifle. I don't like Nazis. That's not why it's cool. I want to be clear on that. You like the gun part. Yeah, the gun. Yeah. And how do you feel about what happened with that gentleman that was here? He's still alive, right? Yeah. So fuck him. He was going to beat you up. No, no. I appreciate you standing up for me, Francis. So I had an idea for tonight. Okay. So if you can't beat him.

I have a gun. Yeah. So I knew you were going to say that. Okay. Because it's a good plan. Okay. All right. All right, Francis. Well, maybe we all gather everybody for lunch or something. Okay. Yeah. Lunch sounds great. Yeah. Let me get my workout. I'm going to be bragging with my rifle. Oh,

Okay. Her name's Brimhilda. Oh, that's a nice name. Where are you practicing? She's a 10. She's a 10? What does that mean? She's a perfect 10. She's so beautiful. Oh, you really like your gun. Yeah. Okay. Where are you going to practice? In my backyard. I'm going to set up some... Okay. Well, your backyard is very close to my backyard. Okay.

So maybe go out to like the woods. That's a good idea. I'll go to the woods. I'll take some targets with me. Yeah, yeah. Just like shoot into like a berm or something. Like bullets go far. Yeah. You know that, right? Yeah. No, it's a sniper rifle. So I got to get pretty far away. Oh my God.

That's the thing. They won't even see me take the shot. If I get him in the kneecap or something, he'll just go down. And then you can punch him in the head as hard as you can and he'll fall down. Your parents gave you a sniper rifle. Yeah. Aren't they cool? Yeah. Hey, you know, I don't know what it's like to be a parent. So, okay. Well, we'll talk soon, Francis. Yeah, we will. Okay. Bye.

Love you. Sorry, I don't know why I said that. Sorry, it's just instinct. No, it's fine. You're a good kid. You're a good kid, Francis. Thanks, you're a good teacher. Okay, thanks. I hang up the phone, and Kelsey's been looking in the mirror, and she's kind of touching her cheeks, and she's like, and she opens up B, and she goes to blushing, and you see that she wrote, only humans can blush, and then she has nothing else written on it, and then she pulls out one of the encyclopedias underneath the bed, somebody else, and she opens it, and she sees all the information, and she's about to write it,

And then she glances down and sees all the blood from the eyeball that happened. And she sighs and she closes the book and she throws it underneath the bed. And then she's going to call Trudy. Hello, Trudy Trout speaking. Oh, hi, Trudy. How are you after everything? How is Tucker? He seemed a little upset. Oh, just wonderful. Tucker is the most amazing man. And I feel bad for disobeying him mentally the other night. But...

Am on the straight and narrow, as they say. I'm just back to my sunny, normal self. And I'm so in love with the man of my dreams and the man that I married and the man who married me. Oh, how did he feel about last night? Oh, I don't know. You'll have to ask me another time. Oh, why can't I ask you now? What's going on? I don't have that information. Oh, what? You don't have the information of what he felt last night? Well, there's a...

A glimmer, if you will. A sort of memory of a memory, maybe.

But last night was a dream. Everything went according to plan. Okay. Everything went so well. And I went and I got eight hours of sleep. I feel so refreshed and renewed. I feel like a new woman. Oh, okay. You know, I don't know why I asked about Tucker. I'm more concerned about you. I mean, that was pretty crazy last night. Everything that happened, the guy and the messages. And what do we think? I haven't talked to him. And how are you? How is your lawn?

Oh, I'm... I want to roll... Very Buffy robot. How's your money? She seems weird to me. What do I roll to just like... Psychology. Psychology. That's a 19, and my psychology is 40. 40. Okay, so that's under half. Yeah. So that's a hard success. Okay. She seems different. Hey, Trudy, you want to meet up for lunch? There's a thing I'm going to have to take care of later today. It would be nice to have the... Trudy, dear, you've been on the phone for quite a while.

Oh, sorry, Tuck. You know, I just get talking to these salespeople and I just can't stop. They have so many things to sell me. Well, why don't you sell me a kiss on the cheek, dear? You're so funny. Can you pass the phone to Tucker? Oh, sure. Tucker, there's somebody who would like to talk to you. Delightful. And then Tucker hangs up the phone. I'm going to call Tony. All right. Well, he just got hit by a car, so. It just rings? It just rings.

No answering machines back then, huh? I don't think so. Do you have a secretary? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Afterwards, the guy comes in. Hello? Oh, hey. What's up, Freddie? David Dale, Dale, Dale. Fred Dale here. What's up, Fred Dale? Where's Tony? I don't know, man. I just came in to open up, and he's not here. Wait. I went through all the effort of finding my own voice. Okay, all right, fine. Let me give you a second. Give me a second. I don't know. He's just not here right now.

Oh, I'm real worried, mister. Have you checked all the usual spots? Have you checked in the back alley? I checked in the alley. I checked in the bar across the street. I checked in the bar across the street. Under the Jeep, under the front porch. And this door is wide open. It looks like someone's turned his place over. Oh, okay.

And that's all you've heard? And there's cops everywhere at the intersection, just across the street. You gotta come over here. I'm real scared. I need an adult. All right, stay right there, Brady. I got 12 cars I gotta rent by myself. I don't know what to do. All right, I'll be right there. I'm gonna drive over there. Okay. We'll say it's now the afternoon. Okay. What did you do with your morning, Francis? He opens up his closet and you see, well, we see, but nobody else sees, his altar to Shane.

Like there's scribbles all over the inside wall of his closet about like things he might possibly be allergic to his routine from when he leaves the school and when he goes home, possible blackmail stuff on his dad, like all this shit in his closet. And he takes out one of the pre drawn pictures of Shane and he goes, you and me are going to, going to train a little bit in the woods, Shane. And he takes the picture out of the woods, puts it up against the tree. This is his dark secret. Puts it up against the tree and he goes,

who's a pussy now? And he fires and he misses and he goes, okay, it's still me, I guess. But we'll see. All right, let's zero in. And he's just going to spend the whole day trying to shoot at this picture of Shane from as far distance as the gun will allow. Anthony, can I pitch you a Dear Evan Hansen subplot between you and Shane? Francis, give me a firearms roll. All right.

My firearms is naturally 25 and I rolled a 41. Okay. So yes, it does not go well. And you do not gain any wisdom from doing this. Unfortunately, you just kind of spend the entire afternoon getting like, I guess you get a little bit more acquainted with this gun. So we will say that you get one advantage dice to spend at some point on this rifle. The next time you use it, you drop on the one time you actually managed to buy pure luck, hit the target.

Yes, I'm the chosen one. All right, so it is now the afternoon. Okay. You're heading to Tony's. Mm-hmm. Francis, you do have work today at the jerk shop. Do you want to go to that, or do you want to weasel out of it? They don't need me. I need it here. Yeah, do you call in? Yeah, I run back home really quickly, and I call in at, Hey, I can't come into work right now. I'm sick. Um, okay, I'll find some money to cover you. Ha ha ha!

Thanks so much, Julie. You're the best manager. Um, whatever. Perfect. Go back out to the woods and continue shooting. So you're going to spend the afternoon shooting as well. I rolled for the second training and my guns is 25 and I got a 24 on my roll. Oh, excellent. We'll say you get two advantage dice for this. You now have three advantage dice you can burn on your rifle. The child of our group is now better at shooting guns. Fantastic.

So at Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars, there's already a line through the door of like angry teenagers trying to like return. Is Freddy going to decide this? I'm just saying the scene. I'm saying the scene. Wait, what the fuck do you mean? I'm just saying the scene. I just said the guy said. Yeah, I get to decide it, Matt. Go fuck yourself, Matt. This is where we draw the line for us inserting things into the story. Yeah, it's like me just doing one sentence of like, yeah.

Just following up on a little bit of role play I did in the scene previous. And here comes Matt trying to fucking police my universe, my AU. I was looking at Will and being like, what happens when I get there? He starts talking. I like this, though. So, yes, there's a crowd of angry teenagers. Yeah, because remember the night before was the big drive-in movie night. So now this is them, everyone trying to get their returns. And then old Fred Dale can't keep up with it.

Okay. So you go and it's a mess of activity. As you walk by in the front, there's just like a bunch of teenagers. I got to get, Hey, I got to get to work. So you still haven't seen anything of Tony? No, nothing called in. Sorry. No, nothing. Hey, if you could give me a hand with all of these teens, I could maybe take their keys and park them around. Ah, geez, I'm so over.

Oh, I wish I could help. I got a lot going on. Hey, fuck you, lady. Okay, well, okay, Freddie. This is why you're working where you are, okay? Hey, what the fuck is that? That's always been your attitude. You were always a trouble kid. Look at that. No respect. I'm supposed to do your job for you. I'm here. You don't know where your boss is. I'm trying to find out where Tony is. He's my friend.

He's just said there's a bunch of cops and there's some crazy thing at the intersection. So I want to go. Okay. Yeah. So you're going to go to the intersection. Yeah. Okay. So yes, at the intersection, you see there is a wrecked Ford Edsel that says Tony's car. There's a traumatized truck driver who T-boned this thing. And there's cops taking his statement. Yeah. So I'm going to ask what happened. Well, uh, miss, uh, what's your name? Who are you? Mrs. Grammar. I just, come on.

Oh, Mrs. Grammar. Officer Joe, I've been to your house. I teach both of your kids. Excuse me, Miss Grammar. I didn't recognize you. I was so busy. How's Cindy doing? Huh? How's Cindy doing? Well. Oh, her meatloaf's the best. Well, we're not going to be having much more of it. Oh, why? What happened? We're vegetarian now. Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. The first ones in the history of America.

I don't know what that means, but I'm sure she'll be okay. We're vegetarian now. Do you still go to the same church? Well, what can I do for you, Kelsey? I'm wondering what happened. It looks like that's Tony's car. Is Tony okay? What happened? Well, his car got hit by a truck. Okay. Was he in it though? Miraculously. Oh. Tony Collette flew from the truck and landed on a hospital bed.

Oh. See, that's the Peachyville ER right there. Okay, I run to the ER. Sydney and I will see you for vegetarian meatloaf on Thursday. Okay, I hope she's feeling better. As you open the door to go into the hospital, two hurried Italian men are walking the other direction, ripping off their surgical uniforms. We can never tell anybody what happened here. Where do we go now? Back home. We can't go back to Italy. Mussolini's not there. He's not the same man.

It's not the same country now that he's gone. Well, there's a bunch of Nazis in New York still, so I guess we could go live with them. Okay. They love our pizza in New York. We will open a pizzeria, and it will be called Sbarro's. Oh, I love you, Mr. Sbarro. I love you, Luigi.

That's right. Every year for Ziparo's is made by Nazi Ziparo. It's like Doc Martens. You go into the ER. Once you explain that you're Kelsey Grammer and you know the reception is a child, she's like, oh, of course, Kelsey, come on in. She points you to Tony Collette's room where when you walk in, you see Tony Collette bandaged up looking like absolute shit, sharing a cigarette with Dr. Mann.

Oh. And Dr. Man's like, I told you, Tony, to watch out out there, you old horse thief. Tony, what happened? Doctor, what happened to Tony? Well, it seems like this strapping young buck got banged up pretty bad and fortunately caught a lucky break. Now Dr. Man's helping him get back on his feet. Dr. Man, give me another cigarette. Sure thing, bucko. Thank you so much. And you gave me a moment here with my friend. He lights up a cigarette also.

A little smoke break. Some privacy, please, doctor, please. All right. Well, I'll give you a couple of minutes, and then I've got a prescription for you I've got to give you, so I'll be back in the block. Oh, goody. However long it takes for the two of you to talk. Okay. Okay, I see. I see. Tony, what happened? Tony. Tony. Bryce's Kelsey starts weeping over there. Tony, Tony. Tony.

What happened? I'm living a life of lies, Kelsey. I know, me too. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm here for you. What happened? Tell me. Kelsey. Is that a bullet hole? Kelsey, it is. An entrance and an exit. Did you shoot yourself? No, Kelsey. Somebody shot you? Somebody shot me. Oh, my God. I'll tell you what it is. Yeah, I'm right here. Kelsey. Yeah. The secretary at the police station. Yeah. She's like, God damn.

Dope, good, dirty, rad.

A what? A communist. Kelsey like stumbles backwards. Chips. I got all mixed up in this thing, but Kelsey, Kelsey, listen to me. What? We got ourselves an album, baby. We got ourselves. The queen owes me a favor, you see. The queen? I forgot about that. The queen of England? The queen of England, you see. That's my favorite queen. The queen of England owes this former cat a favor. Ha ha ha ha.

A lot of people have been like, I like that Will's saying no a lot more to everybody this season. He's really sticking by the rules. Okay, wait. Why is the queen all your favor? There's so much going on. I don't know. Judy's acting weird. Kelsey, I'm so sorry for everything I've said. It's okay. It's all a lie, Kelsey. I know you're soft on the inside. Kelsey, I never went to the war. I went to the war.

What? You what? I never was in the war. I went to the war. You understand? I was in the war. I was in the war. You never... While our boys... While our boys were suffering and dying across the ocean, I was here. I hear you. Wait, I need to understand. I was here, a scant 90 miles away in the war. So you...

Wait. I was in the war here. Tony, Tony, Tony. I start patting your head. I need you to speak a little more clearly. You're saying... I can't be any clearer, Kelsey. You weren't... I was not... In the war. In the Great War. You didn't go overseas. I didn't fight the Great War. I didn't fight the Second World War. I fought a war of my own in the war. What was that war that you fought? It was a war. A lonely war, you see. On the streets of the war. But you said you've been in the war. Yeah.

No, you fool. Kelsey, you need to listen to what I'm saying to you. I was not. I was not. As I stand before God as my witness, I was not. Kelsey. I was in the war. Oh, you mean you lived in the war? In many ways. I still live in the war. Kelsey's

Kelsey's hands begin to shake with a cigarette. Tony, I need to understand exactly what you're saying because I...

I came here for help. There's just so much going on. There's so much violence, and I've been living these lies, and I'm about to fight again. Another fight? You promised you'd never fight again. You told me this after months. I did, but... After that one time we won a qualifying semifinal round of the bowling thing. You told me that. I know, and I told you in that one night of passion that we had 15 years ago. Yes. I regret immensely. Oh, sweetheart.

You shouldn't regret this at all. We are all the products of our mistakes. But you were there for me that night. I was. And...

That when you say you weren't in the war, that when my older brother went overseas, like everybody was called to and died, you lied and you stayed here in the small town a couple of miles away called DeWar.

That's right. That's right. I take the cigarette and I stick it in your cheek. Oh, my God. What? Ow, ow, ow. Doctor, doctor, doctor.

What the hell is going on in here? And I drop it. I say, that's no man. And I start walking. I clench my fist. Kelsey, no, please come back. You're my only friend, Kelsey. And I say, I guess this is just the only way to solve things. And I call up Francis. I say, I hope your gun's loaded. Oh, it is always, baby. Ready to rock and roll. Let's go. Let's go fuck up a boxer. And yeah, I walk towards wherever it is that we're supposed to be boxing. Let's see.

Too far, too far away. But I'll stay.

Thank you for listening. This is the part where I tell you about what's going on in the Dungeons & Daddies-verse. To the popular demand, we've added a show to Edinburgh for the Dungeons & Daddies UK EU Tour in October. Edinburgh's happening October 4th. If the rest of the tour dates are any indication, them tickets are going to be going fast. So head on over to dungeonsanddaddies.com slash live for links everywhere.

You can buy them there on the website, even on your phone. Patreon supporters, in addition to already knowing about that show because they got first crack at tickets, sorry. They're eating good this month. EXL members enough. We just posted a gameplay video of Matt, Anthony, and myself, the OG gamer boys, attempting Chained Together. This is a game where we're all chained together, trying to platform our way back from the depths of hell. Have a listen to the shenanigans. You can never look and see where it stops so we know when to jump. Okay, right at that wood fence.

Yeah, right when it stops now, go. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! What are you doing? What?! Why did you call it, Matt?! Why did you call it, Matt?! Follow the way this way, follow the way this way. Oh my god. We thought you were gonna follow it. We did, I went when I was following it. Oh! I know, but you called it to move when we weren't ready. Guys, guys, guys, guys, stop for a moment. I failed you. I'm wrong.

If I could take these chains off me and stay in hell, I would. But at last, they're stuck with me.

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Dead Luther, and Christian Hauser. To get in on this, go to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Merch and more at dungeonsanddads.com. Our live show tickets for the UK and EU, dungeonsanddads.com slash live. And that next episode is coming at you July 30th. We'll see you then. Swallowing my dreams and making them scars. Too far, too far away. But I stay. I can't see. I'm a star. Swallowing.

Dr. Dr. Sounds like you've got woman tro. You're crying. That's not cool. Give me a phone.

Give me a phone, doctor! I don't think you're in any condition to be talking to anybody until he slaps you across the face. Pull yourself together, goddammit! I'm the same chic as the bird. Treat my wound, but I need the phone. I need to call someone. Alright, very well. I've lost much respect for you. I call Tony's cars, cars, cars. Okay.

Fred? Fred, are you there? Oh yes! Oh gosh! I don't know how long it's been but boy oh boy there's a lot of motherfucking people in here Mr. Collette! I can't handle it! Just... just let them have the cars. What do you mean? Just leave the keys! Let the children have the cars! It doesn't mean anything anymore, don't you understand? Don't you get a little lie? It's all been a lie! The cars and the fast talk!

I'm not a man. Oh, gee. Okay. Well, I don't know what to do with that information, Mr. Collette. Do you want me to just, like, lock up then? Can I go home? Yes. Collect your full paycheck and just take it. Just take the money. Just leave me be. Okay, kind of a weird thing for you to call me about, but okay. Thanks so much. Bye. I'd like to call... Hello, operator. Operator. Yes?

The Trout Residence, please. Okay, connecting you right now. Rudy Trout, this is the Trout Residence. Oh, Trudy, my best friend. Oh. Trudy, I need you to tell me everything's going to be okay. Of course it is. Everything's going to be just fine. Who is this? This is Tony Collette. Tony Collette. Oh. And the bowling team, remember? Jesus Christ. Oh, yes, I like the bowling team. Yes, we are a team, and we went all out.

Oh, yay! We did, didn't we? We did, didn't we? Those were the days. Oh, what do you mean? Well, we won the bowling thing, and then everything went to shit. Oh, you sound so sad. Yes. You sound like... Who sounds sad, dear? Oh!

You can put Tucker on. I'm just another person selling something, but I'm not buying. That's why they're so sad. You can put Tucker on. You can put Tucker on. Oh, Tucker, another person would like to talk to you. All right. Well, this time, now I need you to stop calling here, whoever this is. Tucker! Yes? It's Tony Collette, your boy. I don't know who that is. I'm sorry, sir. And he hangs up. What the fuck? I was friends with that guy. The end. Scene.