S3 Ep. 3 - Panic! At The Drive-In
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Father's Only Pictures presents Four Fathers in Fantasyland, starring Spencer Tracy. Give it to me straight, sweetheart. Is what you just said it will work? Jimmy Stewart. What the frickin' ding-ding, gosh darn dilly-willy heckin' shark-toothed banana chicanery rootin' tootin' frickin' raspberry fuck are you two doin' here? Marlon Brando. Terry!

And Mickey Rooney. Confucius say, measure once, cut twice. Pregnant women and small children are strongly discouraged from seeing the rowdiest, sauciest, most violent picture of the year. Four Fathers in Fantasyland. Hi, I'm Robert Osborne. That was the trailer for Four Fathers in Fantasyland. Directed by Joseph Joseph Abrams Jr. for Father's Own Pictures in 1950...

Despite its star-studded cast, Four Fathers received overwhelmingly negative reviews and is mostly remembered now for its background role in the notorious Project Heartland disaster. On a fateful night in May, during a screening of Four Fathers, the peachyplex drive-in became a scene of a violent shootout, leaving one person dead and a double-decker bus of British teenagers absolutely smitten with a renegade teenage rebel named Francis Farnsworth.

Of course, what happened to Francis and his friends that night has become the stuff of legends, nightmares, and a motion picture all its own, Wes Craven's 1985 splatterfest Sneaky Pete. That's up next on Turner Classic Movies, then stick around to catch Steve McQueen, Al Pacino, and Faye Dunaway in Peter Bogdanovich's psychosexual thriller Critical Role.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. And this season, we present the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America.

No one say anything. Don't. Leave him hanging. I was thinking. I had to clear my throat. Okay, I was just thinking about things. And what were you thinking about, Beth? No need to, like, dive into that, but I was thinking, so it's not like I was just over here being. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Tony Collette, the fast-talking used car salesman with a heart of gold. Right.

Why does everyone laugh? That heart of gold is missing in action so far, I feel like. And usually other people decide that the character has a heart of gold. Like, you can't just be an asshole and be like, I have a heart of gold. He has a heart of gold because gold is the most valuable mineral, or very, very valuable mineral, and his heart is a great heart, according to his doctor. Oh. He's very strong. He's very strong.

He's exercised so good. He's spent all this time doing cardio. You know, cardio, it works out one muscle though. It works out your heart. Now, does Tony Collette just think that that's what a radio in a car is called?

Could be, Will. Could be. Every morning, though, he does get up and run two miles. That's pretty good. More than I'm doing shit. Hey, everybody. I'm still alive. Matthew Arnold surviving stomach flu here to entertain you, hopefully. That'll be a weird vibe from this guy. Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest schoolmarm. And you know what she always says?

Better starts with the letter B. So be it. Oh, I like that. Better. Be better. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. That's great. But a little fact about Kelsey. I thought since she knows a lot about everybody's kids around the town, maybe she can tell you a little bit about her childhood and what she was like in school. So her favorite class as a student. Well, one of the middle class. Huh? Sorry. Oh, sorry.

Was Recess. Was this a Lincoln fact? Maybe, but...

But I feel like someone filed the serial numbers off this fact. The other name for it is just free study hall. Free study hall. Oh, wow. Kelsey loves to study. All right. Fair enough. Yep. I'm Anthony Birch. I play Francis Farnsworth, the most bullied kid in Peachyville. I've got two facts for you. One's a Francis fact. One's an Anthony fact. Oh, wow. The Anthony fact is that you may have heard in season two that I was looking to write a porno and the porno finally came out. If you go to say uncle dot com.

It is on there. It's about a couple of gamers dicking down on each other. So that is a thing that you can enjoy. I also linked to it on my Twitter. Happy Mother's Day. My Francis fact is that Francis has a best friend and his name is JC. Francis is a Christian. And...

Francis really wants to get to heaven and he spends almost every moment of his waking life with like three to five percent of his brain being terrified that he's going to go to hell because he masturbates so much. Wow. So Francis is just me in middle school.

Hi, I'm Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout, doting wife, homemaker, and mother of 2.5 beautiful children. Fun fact about Trudy, Trudy actually kind of a criminal record. Oh, really? A criminal record? Yeah, actually, she's been charged with battery multiple times. Whoa. Yeah. Is that it? I'm sure, like, more will come out about it because, like, you know, something like that, it kind of comes up. I mean, it's probably a record. Well, you know, I feel like Beth's playing this one close to her chest.

Is there one you could give us? Pick one of the batteries. I don't know. I don't want to take the podcast in such a dark place, like off the top.

Good save, Beth. Good save. All right. Well, my name is Will Campos. I am your Daddy-O Master. Daddy-O? And my Daddy-O Master fact this week is that there are 4,400 unidentified bodies discovered every year in the United States. Don't know who they are. Wow. John Doe's. Just that many. John and Jane's. Who knows who they are? Some of them probably Nebraska in the 1950s. Who knows? Who knows?

When last we loved you, you had murdered a police officer in a drive-in movie theater during a daring shootout to rescue Britannica Blue from four masked men who were arranging a handoff for a fraudulent trophy.

Francis successfully lured two of them away. They've just absconded into the woods with a trophy. And Britannica Blue has just revealed that one of the men you killed was the owner of a police badge. Right as you hear sirens pulling around the corner and you see two police cars bounding into the drive-in movie lot. Oh no, not again. I ain't going back.

Are Kelsey and Francis back? Well, Francis was in the embrace of a bunch of beautiful British people. You guys were in the arms of a bunch of groovy Brits on top of a double-decker bus, which I forgot about until just this moment. I think we're not there yet. You guys aren't there yet. You guys see these cars speeding up.

Trudy and Kamon Wong and Tony Collette and Britannica are all standing pretty much at the scene of the crime. Kamon Wong sees them coming and realizes she has this smoking shotgun in her hand and quickly wipes her prints off of it and drops it on the ground. It's like, okay, everybody stay calm. Everybody stay calm. We have nothing to be afraid of. We just have to stick to our story. Everything's going to be okay. Tony would like to drop into a low crawl and like displace her.

and then go up and knock on the window of any one of the random cars. Wait, displace? Like physically displace, Matt. When the enemy has...

A bead on you. So move. Displace. Okay. I thought it was a spell. You're moving. Okay. A CLT of six doesn't cast spells, Matt. Those are tactical actions. I will say everyone gets one action before the two cops arrive at the scene of the

crime. But they don't see us. Yes, I guess they're barreling towards... So actually what you see is you see them pull up to like the ticket taker booth and you see Sticky Rick nodding to them and kind of pointing over to the direction where the shootout happened. Okay.

Okay. And remember, at this point, people are starting to look around because they've heard these sirens. But because you did so well on Kamon Wan killing this guy, I believe we said that it timed out with just when the pyramid in the Dungeons and Daddies movie playing on the screen landed to cover the gunshot. You guys got really lucky with when the gunshot went off. Okay. So people are starting to look around confused, like, what's all this hubbub about? So, Freddy, you are trying to sneak over to a car? I want to try to find one of the cars that I've rented to one of the necking teens in this.

Are you looking for a specific car? Any car that I recognize from my used car lot. What would we call that? A luck roll? Luck feels about right. All right, give me a luck roll. I'd say luck feels right. Okay. Does every car in your used car lot have like... Yeah, it's got a little sticker. You said that there's a sticker on the cars and I smelled merch. So what does the sticker look like? Oh, good one. Yeah, I think it's just like Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars. And then I think it just large Texas. This car's for necking. Yeah, okay.

His car is for, and then like in a cool. I really, to everyone who I explained, because I think when I was pitching this show, I was like, it's leave it to Beaver meets Call of Cthulhu. This is not leave it to Beaver meets Call of Cthulhu. It's leave it to Beaver. Oh, someone's on leave it. It's leave it.

in Beaver is what it is. Go on. Roll your luck roll. What are you doing? I have 63 luck. I'm trying to roll under it and therefore I get 84. Okay, no, that doesn't happen. Regardless though, I would like to knock on the window of a car of like young people. Anyone who looks like a young person. You,

You knock on the window of a car, I think. You get to knock on the window of a car. So you knock on the window of... Roll it down. There's an older couple in this car and they're not giving each other handjobs. The guy is reading the U.S. Constitution and the woman is getting an American flag and they look over and you see... Over his lap! Yes, can we help you, sir? Oh my god, what's

What's going on over there? Oh my god, is there blood in that car? Oh my god, there's dirt all over your face. Oh my god, you're stupid. Yeah, because you have four hit points. You took a fucking trip through a windshield, so you're covered in blood. Obviously. You got scrapes all over your face. They scream and floor it and start peeling out. Whoa, if they floor it in a fucking drive-in, they're going... Yeah, they smash straight into the car in front of them. And then that guy gets out and he says, what the fuck is... Oh my god, has that guy got blood on his face? Jesus Christ. I'm going to use this as a distraction to get the fuck out of here. Okay. But they're all looking at you.

They're looking at you. No, they're looking at the guy who just crashed a car into another person's car. We'll deal with what's going on there in a second. Toni Collette's causing a ruckus. Toni Collette's causing a ruckus. What is Trudy doing? Hearing the sirens come, in her Trudy mind, she's thinking nobody else can hear this. Well, they won't suspect me at all. They'll never know. They'll never know that it was me that did this. Or did I do this? Ha, ha, ha.

I'm going to knit. And I pull out a knitting kit from my apron. That's fair. And she just starts looking nonchalant, just working on the mitten. Britannica Blue tugs your skirt, and she's like, Mrs. Trout, I'm real scared. What do we do? Oh, don't worry, BB. We're women. They'll never suspect that we had...

to do with anything. We didn't do anything. They kidnapped me and then you guys saved me. Why don't we just tell that to the cops? Oh, right, right. We should run. Okay. Are you going to run? Yes. Okay. I'm going to run towards where I hear a ruckus over by Toni Collette. Okay. So are we running or are we not running? Oh, yes, we're running. Oh, wow. What a commotion.

What a commotion. Oh, I'm watching. This is called rubbernecking. Ooh, a car crash. Oh, we can look, but we can't touch. Okay, what is Kelsey doing? If I remember, we are at the British schools bus. Yes, I think canonically London is the sister city of Peachyville. Okay. That's beautiful. London.

Yeah, they're a huge get. No one had gotten London yet. Do we have the video screens that attach New York City to Dublin and somebody got their tits out? Shut it down. Oh, man. What a hero. What a hero to get your tits out for Dublin.

I want to take a glance at who's driving the school bus. Who's driving the school bus? Yeah. Are you talking about the school bus or the British school bus? The British school bus. Okay, that would be... The double-decker one. Nigel Leeds Brisbane. That's for you, Matt. Okay. Leeds, man. Yes. So, Nigel Leeds Brisbane. 4-0 today. Thank you very much. He's looking around. He's like, well, Solis then. And then Kelsey... Because he's very stereotypically British. I love it. He's drinking tea while this is happening. If this is a sister city, they're going to send their most British people. Mm-hmm.

That's how it works. That's true. For tribute, right? Yeah. We gotta keep up the stereotypes. Find everybody who matches them. Let me see your teeth. No, too good. I'm trying to wave down Trudy and Tony and BB. And I'm gonna go up to Nigel and be like, oh, hello. Is everybody in Britain as sweet as you are? Ha ha ha!

Raise my eyebrows. Give me a... And I sit on the front seat. I kind of push the girl that's like in the front seat right next to the bus driver. Oh, the teacher's backseat? Yeah, and I kind of sit and I cross my legs and kind of lean over. Give me a, what is that, a charm? Roll something, Matthew. It's called Riz. Ha ha!

So roll Riz. Give me a Riz roll. What if we made a... Give me a Rizbane for Brisbane. What if we made a Gen Z TTRPG? That'd be sick as fuck. A ZGRPG. No cap. Yo, no cap. It called no cap. You can roll... I sit on my skippity toilet. That's Gen Alpha. That's not Gen Z. Get it together. You're so cringe. And if there's anyone who wants to be cool like Gen Alpha is, it's Gen Z as a crap.

as hard as they can onto the threads. They used to be cool. You're so Sigma. I'm mewing over here. So I got to roll charm. You got to roll charm. I remember that I made that Kelsey's not charming. So I got to beat a 15. Okay. I got 33. Okay. He's like, no, they're all much sweeter. I ain't sweet at all, miss. What did you say? I'll say it. I'm not sweet at all. Is that English? Yes, it's English. You know what? Why don't you do your job?

I'm a school teacher here. I was doing me job. No, I'm sitting and bringing these children to... Are you British? Show me your British passport. Of course I'm not British. I live here in Peachyville, the United States of America. Get the bloody barrel off me, bus. I don't care if we all sister cities. It's sovereign territory. We are sister schools. I'm going to use... Oh, teacher. How old is this person? Since you found the one NPC who you didn't teach. Ha ha ha ha ha.

How old is this person? This person, judging from my voice, is like 45, but looks 65. Yeah, fought in World War II. Yeah. I'm going to try to persuade. I'll be like, you're right. You are a sister school. And right now, some of my students are in trouble because you crashed your bus into our bus. So if you could take me, one of the teachers, I'm not here to litigate who did what. All I know is that I'm minus a bus and I have...

two children that need to get home, a teacher that needs to get back to school on time so that the kids aren't cranky, which helps both of us because you don't want cranky kids in your school bus. So why don't you just drive us back to my home? Okay.

So what are you? You're trying to get this guy to drive his bus full of British. Like he has a job. Yeah. And this is because there was a minor offender better with the other school bus last episode. You're trying to pull rank on him. His sister's school is like, hey, some of our kids need a school ride. To ride to school? Did he kidnap these kids? No, he brought them to this movie, Matt. We're in a driving fear. Yeah, so then I'm assuming he's bringing them back to what?

Where is he bringing them back to? They're going to the Peachyville Youth Hostel. Fine. As I say, so he's bringing the kids back somewhere. So yes, I'm just like, wherever you're bringing these kids back, you just got to make two extra stops. One to bring back this child and one to bring back that child over there that's running with that person. Roll something. Oh, I'm so sorry. Excuse me, sir. What was your name again? My name is Will the DM and I asked you to roll something. Oh, I'm going to roll. I'm asking you. Matt's in trouble. Matt's in trouble.

His name's Nigel Brisbane. My name's Nigel, miss. And I don't take too kindly to being bossed around by Americans. Matt, make him say aluminum. Say aluminum. While the bloody hell should I? Yeah, that's what I thought. Well, I got 92. I say, you know what?

this is why you need our help to win the war. And I step off the bus and I go, I was trying to get us to ride out of here, but I think we can just- I'm perfectly happy to stay where I am. Yeah, I think we just stay here and see if they come to us. I sort of like charmed all of these cool British people into thinking that I'm like a big deal here, so I don't really want to leave. You should ask the kids to ask the school. I don't want to go back to the hostel. I want to stay here. But the kids are going to the hostels.

Francis, what are you going to do? I'm just hanging out with the kids. The cops don't know I'm here and they have no reason to come up to the double decker bus. So I'm fine just waiting here for the cops to leave. So the two of you have decided to lay low at this bus. Yeah. Okay. I waved at Trudy. So I'm seeing if Trudy and Bibi are coming. Hi, Kelsey.

You're far away. Okay, so you're running to Kelsey. I was running to Tony, but then I'm like, uh? Yeah, I caused a car accident. Yeah. Yeah, I waved her to come to us. Kelsey. Come on, Juan. Seeing that everyone has abandoned the crime scene is also going to try to leave. Can everybody give me a spot hidden roll real quick? Oh, wow. I will. Ooh. I really should have put more points on the spot hidden. I failed. Remember, you can always succeed by just spending that. Luck, luck, luck. Fail. No. I'm saving that shit for the end boss. 71. Fail. Fail. Oh.

I rolled a 24. So you succeeded. I spotted it. Excellent. As you are sort of leading BB away and scooting towards Tony, you notice that there's one less guy in the front seat of this car. You could have sworn you remembered Kamon Wan shotgunning two dudes in the face as they drove past. The guy in the driver's seat, his face is like fucking hamburger under this rubber mask. But there's like a bloody streak and an open door. And you see like dirty footprints leading to a little hole. And there's like a

fence right along next to the car and you see leading under a fence and off into the woods oh my god somebody got away let me put on my reading glasses and see if i can get any more clues

I put on my reading glasses. I look at the fence. Okay. Now you can read the fence. Now I can read the fence. What does it say? Now it's blurry because reading glasses help you see close. No, they're bifocals because Trudy struggles slightly with seeing far away. Hold on. Let me look at your skills. Skills? I have so many skills. I can bake a chicken. I can cook a chicken. Give me another spot hidden rule. I'm sure, but only two ways. Oh.

I got an 18. Oh, great. So yeah, you straight up see the guy in the Dracula mask that got shot in the passenger seat and he's frantically running into the woods, clambering up. There's like a big hill, like right on the other side of this fence and he's scurrying his way up it. Phoebe, look, that man's scurrying. Should we go after him? I mean, he can kind of prove our whole story, right?

If the police find us. Hi, Trudy? Yeah. I'm 12. Oh! I need an adult to tell me what to do in this... Normally, my normal day is like someone's dog went missing and I find them by like finding a clue. We're a little beyond my pay grade right now. I'm kind of freaking out. Oh, it sounds like you need a mother. I'm a mother. Yes, great, yes. And a homemaker. What do we do? Oh, yes, let's follow that man. Okay. Wait, I'm the guardian. I should be in charge. I should protect the children.

Protect the children. Okay, we're gonna- Don't get into danger. No, I wanna see where that man is going. Okay. All right, we're gonna say that as you were processing all of that, these two cop cars rolled up. Oh. Oh, they're here. Don't say anything. Bebe, keep your mouth shut. You have rights.

So Tony not having succeeded here causing a car accident is going to lay down and play dead. You're going to lay down and play dead. Correct. That'll work for about 30 seconds. Well, don't worry. He'll see where I'm going. So you're going to lay down and play dead. You guys are all waiting to see how this shakes out, basically. So we're going to focus on Trudy. I just didn't know what to do. Yeah, we're all just eating popcorn watching this around Trudy. I'm going to focus on Trudy. Whenever you guys feel like you want to do something, just let me know. I want to make out with more people.

Trudy, basically, sirens are wailing. You see two cop cars skidding and blocking the two cars. There's one in front of you. There's one behind. Oh, we're boxing with the evidence. Out from the first car, the one behind you stumbles Deputy Duckbook Cookie, who is a big, gangly, reedy-looking, doofus-y deputy. And he's like, oh, hands up, lady! Hands up! Okay!

Gag is where I can see him. I'm not resisting at all. Here are my hands. Do you put your hands up? Yep, I put them up. And Kamon Wan, who's there as well, puts her hands up. It's like, oh, this is really bad, Trudy. Let's just play it cool, okay? Okay, let's play it cool. And then Britannica's like, yeah, that sounds great. Let's play it cool. So happy I'm in this situation. This is great. So the three of you have your hands up. Tony's playing dead on the ground. And then from in front of you, another car rolls to a general stop and out steps Trudy.

the most serious looking man you've ever seen in real life. Like this is just the most straightforward, no nonsense, square jawed, corn fed, big fucking...

cop-looking dude you've ever seen in your life. So you're like a straight up, like, wife picket fence, two and a half kids. He looks like a law school eight Joe Friday and then lifted weights for a while. Oh, wow. So he's just really a painfully serious man. Everybody give me a no roll. I don't see no. Where is no? It's in education on the big boy things. Oh, okay. It's not a skill, it's an attribute. Oh, edu. It's edu. It's no. Yeah, I do. What are you going to do about it? Hey!

Jakes, you owe me an edge sesh. Yes. Failed. 69. That's out of 60. Nice. I succeed by one. I succeed by a lot. Okay. I was going to say you actually have advantage on this for a reason. I will say in a second. Okay. I got 75 of edgy and I rolled a 19. Okay. So that is a very good success.

Trudy, you recognize this guy's face from the paper. This is Big Shane Silva. He moved to town a couple years ago, and he was formerly in the FBI, and he's become a night shift detective. Should his name be Shane? Because that's also the name of my bully. Well, the reason you know him is that this is the father of your bully, Shane Silva. It's a junior. Okay. Yes. So this is Big Shane Silva. Cool. So when Big Shane had a kid, they're just like, well, we don't need to do the junior diminutive. I'm already big.

So we can just do regular Shane. Basically, yeah. So yes, you recognize that this is Shane Silva, who is formerly from the FBI. Kelsey and Francis. I guess this is because, you know, Francis is kind of like low-key obsessed with his bully. Yeah, I mean, I teach. And you teach, so you've got all the goss. I probably have to teach your parent conference stuff too, you know. You heard a whisper that not only was he in the FBI, he was a big-time commie hunter in the FBI. Yeah.

And not only because you did so well, Matthew, not only did you know that he was a big time copy hunter, he was fired in disgrace. Something involving trying to accuse a ring of Girl Scouts for being alleged communist spies. He took this job in Peachyville because it's the only job he could get after this fall from grace. Big Shane steps out and he looks at the three of you, the three amigos, Kamon Juan, Trudy, and Britannica Blue. And he's like, hands up, ladies.

Our hands are already up. What, is it illegal for three ladies to put their hands up in the pale moonlight? It's your legal right and forsworn duty to obey an officer of the law, which is what I am. Officer Shane Silva, put your hands on the Ford Edsel, please. Oh, on the...

on this car? Yes, that car right there. I just don't know how to tell cars apart. They all go vroom, vroom. Kelsey's gonna walk up and be like, big shame. Don't you have some Girl Scouts to mess with? Oh, aren't these two ladies a little too old for your shenanigans? Oh,

Miss? Yes? Are you involved here? I mean, were you? Are you part of this? Part of what? We've all been in the movie. Put your hands on the car, ma'am. Okay. Deputy. Deputy Duck. Oh, yes. Yes, Big Train. It's Officer Silva. Yes, Officer Silva. Search these women. Oh, they're related.

Yeah, I know, and you're going to search them right now. You should be more concerned about your son not getting to school on time. I'm more concerned about... Oh, my God. We have... And then he grabs the radio, and he says, this is Officer Shane Silva. We have one dead body in what appears to be a large Cadillac and four suspects on the scene. Officer Duck, while all of this is going on, cautiously approaches the mangled face of this slain man in the car, and he reaches a hand out to kind of peel off the rubber Halloween mask, and he goes...

Oh, God. Oh, I think it's Officer Jenkins. Oh, Jesus. Oh. Like just pukes all over the ground. Ladies, I'm going to ask you again one more time. And then Kelsey faints and uses A for acting and goes, I'm dead, baby.

Big shade. Save us. She just drops the floor. We'll call that. It sounds like my education. Cause I learned acting. I'm not, I'm shutting that loophole down right now. I'll tell you that much. Give me a persuade role, Matt. That makes sense. That's what acting is persuading. Yeah. Actually acting is listening.

What was that? I am going to use three luck to succeed. Okay, so he is now convinced that you fainted. Okay. I still got 62 luck. Okay, I'm glad you're keeping track of that. So you've passed out on the ground. Does anybody have any water with a lot of lead in it? This woman's fainted. We're also going to need an ambulance out here. It appears we have a passed out, fainted woman. I'm going to need an ambulance.

I am now approaching to resuscitate the fainted woman and big Shane kneels down and like kind of taps you on the cheek a little bit. Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am,

It appears this woman may have died. He checks your pulse. He knows you're not dead. He puts his finger under your nose to see if you're breathing. What was that? And I open my eyes and I go, oh, what is that? What is that in front of me? Oh, Shane! God!

are you doing here? I'm arresting people for a murder. For what? For the murder of that man right there. What man? He points to the dead body. What evidence could you possibly have that we are involved with a murder? That's a good question. What are the four of you doing here? Oh, oh, oh, Shane, what could we possibly be doing here? Was I selling Girl Scout cookies? What could we be doing here? Oh, she's being so mean. Yes, what could we be doing here?

What are you doing here? All right, ladies, I'm going to give you one chance to come straight about what's going on here, to come clean, because I have my suspicions and I may have some evidence, but I want to give you a chance on the record to set things straight. So here it is. Here's your chance. Trudy. Kelsey. What do you think we should do?

Here's our chance. We cannot listen. This is women talk for just a second. And then we'll get to you. We just, our brains are a little, if you could just give us a moment. Yes. We need an extra moment. I don't believe in women. I believe in Americans and all Americans are subject to surveillance by law enforcement. I salute. I salute. I just salute them. Do not. That's disrespectful to our men in the armed services. I am not in the armed services. So men can be in the armed services. Okay. I digress. Let's just say we were watching the movie and we're having a one

a wonderful time. Yeah, we were. And then there's a car crash and should we just put it all on, just pick a random man? Well, let's just say... Look, look, look. Okay. We know if we pick a random man, there's a good chance that he's responsible for something. Yes, yes, of course. Okay, okay. Here I go. Meanie, miney,

Mo. So who did you point at? Oh, not him. Oh, anybody but him. Who did you point at? It's the milkman. He's sitting in his car in his milk outfit. I go...

Yes, you see Dan Milkman is sitting in his milk truck drinking an ice cold glass of milk watching this movie. He's definitely a pedophile. That's why I'm fingering. I'm pointing it at him. Look, I was enjoying one of the few nights I have off because there's no homework to grade tonight and I was going to see a movie with Trudy and the movie was loud and then all the stuff started happening. I see a car crash. It looks like there's some British kids that got in another car crash. I heard a gunshot and then that man

Nothing. We heard the telltale story.

of milk. Yeah. I heard a gunshot kind of near his area and I saw him throw something long, like a broom, you know, a broom, something I would use, but like half that size and with like a trigger on it and something about that size shape and threw it on the ground and then went back to his milk truck and was just drinking like a psychopath like nothing happened. Just drinking cow's milk, the healthiest thing on earth. And then he looks to Kamon Wan and BB and says, what about the two of you? Is that true? And the two of them look at each other nervously. Kamon Wan's like,

Yes, that's true, officer. That's exactly what happened. We were all here just having a nice girls night out and we saw that milkman murder these people. And then Bebe is just horrified watching all of these adults. And she's like, I just... Let the adults speak, baby.

- Speak, Bebe. - You should be seen and not heard. - Beth, remember you can hit kids. - Oh, I would never. Well, maybe once. - Shane sort of just nods, he says, "Thank you all, remain here one second please." And he walks over to his cop car. - There's only two cops, right? - He knows who you are!

He walks over to the cop car and he opens the door and Sticky Rick, the second most bullied kid in school, who was the ticket taker who let you guys in last episode. Ah, okay. Rick, can you tell me once again what you saw? He's like, oh, yeah.

yeah, uh, I saw four shady guys in masks go in and then they left a message for these four people and then they came over here and then that's when I called you because I was really nervous that something bad was going to happen. Uh, and there were also two fellows with them. I don't know where those two fellows are. Well,

I don't know, Shane. Sounds like a big conspiracy. And don't you have a little history with thinking things are more complicated than they are? I'm going to kind of lean over to Big Shane and be like, it's exactly what it looks like. You're right. And we're ashamed. But don't not for my sake, because I'm a single woman and I can do as I please. But for our married women, it is exactly what you think. We met four strange men on a night off. And for the sake of Peachyville and the marriages...

I would just let that part slide. And I look at the kid and be like, and you, young sir, you run a place that constant sin is going on, constant kissing. And you tell that quickly? You think kids are going to be coming here if they know that the moment they come here to make out, they're going to tattle on them?

Huh? You're all under arrest. For kissing? So you admit to knowing these men. What men? The dead men in the car, man! No, the four other men! No, no, wait, wait. Sticky Rick did not say that we met. He said four mysterious men. Yes, the guys in the masks. Two of the guys are dead. Right here. Well, maybe... Well, why don't you ask the third one that died?

And yes, I knew him. I knew him carnally. I kissed him. I didn't like him, but I told him to. Shane is just like, he's taken like just some aspirin out of his pocket. He's just chewing them, just rubbing his dump. Okay, you're right. You're all under arrest. We'll sort this out at the station. You're right. It is what it looks like. I'm sorry. It is what it looked like. We had a scandalous rendezvous, and then I thought different of it, and I told that poor man that I wasn't going to kiss him ever again, and he shot himself. Oh.

Because once you can't get any Kelsey, once you get some Kelsey to take it away from, you're right. We should go to prison. What we've done is so wrong. Us four women went out behind their husband's back. And in my case, you know, again, I'm not married. So it was totally right to do that. But you're right. Take me away, officer. He orders his deputy to handcuff all of you and escort you over to the police cars.

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Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo. Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, whey, whey, whey. Kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? Yeah, what is that? I love you, Dad.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O dot com promo code daddies. Freddie, where are you? I'm crumpled up in like, not to reference Family Guy again, but like, you know, the Peter Griffin like pose when he's on the ground and broken. Like I'm that next to the car wreck that just happened when I knocked on the window. You could have crawled away so far. You

You're displaced. Let me ask you this. So I was listening with eagle ears. Eagle ears. We distracted them. That's what we were trying to do the whole time. We were distracting them for like three minutes of talking. While the dames were shit chattering. While Shane was sorting this out, what were you doing, Freddie? I,

I think I peeked open one eye and noticed that nobody seems to have noticed me. And now I'm going to displace by crawling away once again, as far and as quickly as I can. You did open the door. No, I knocked on one door. And then they screamed because they saw that you were covered in blood. And they sped off and they crashed into the car. My original plan. Now they're arguing with the guy who they were crashed with. Okay. So now you're trying to sneak towards the exit. Yes. Francis, what are you doing while you see all this going on? You see your mom getting arrested. Oh, couldn't be me. Right.

I'm just enjoying all the attention from the British people. Yeah, all the British. Can we play all the British kids? Oi, man. You play football, mate. Yeah, oh yeah. You're American football. Not us bollocks shit we kick around. The real one with the pig skins. Yeah, the old hand egg. Blimey, listen to the way he says hard R's.

It's so romantic. Cancer. I've never met a real American footballer before. Man, you're the coolest cat we've seen this side of the Atlantic. Ah, shucks, you're pretty cool yourself. I'm going to get him to pronounce aluminum. Aluminum. Whoa! I know, right? Okay. This is the only time he's ever been popular. My mom will be fine.

While you're doing that, Freddie, while you're trying to skulk off, the floodlights in the place turn on and the movie stops playing. Everyone starts groaning and sort of like grumbling about like what the hell's going on. And not how they were groaning before.

And not in a fun way, in a disappointed, why is the movie off way. That's how it usually goes for me, yeah. Big Shane's going to get on the bullhorn and say, Attention, PGPlex customers, the drive-in is now closed. Please remain calm, remain in your seats. This is now an active crime scene. I require all of your help in finding two fugitive men still on the scene. One, Francis Farnsworth.

So the British kids are like, blimey, that's your name, Francis, isn't it?

I mean, there are a lot of cats who have that name in America. Well, it must be the case. Let's start with Tony. Tony, you hear this. I think I barrel roll under the nearest car that I've made it to. Okay, so you're going to give me a stealth roll then. Why did I not put anything in stealth? 20. So you got a whole bunch of candy called luck that you can just eat. Chew it up. Use it up.

Okay, here we go. 91. I failed miserably. Okay. All right. So that's a bad enough failure that you clonk into the side of the car that you're trying to roll into. And then the people inside hear the noise and look down and see you and say, I think he's right here, officer. I think I got one right here. And he starts honking on his horn. So we'll deal with you in a second. Francis.

The teens are on your side. The teens love you. But our good friend, Nigel Brisbane, who's down in the bottom level of the double-decker, slowly puts his tea down. And he's like, wait, didn't I see somebody clamber up this bus? Isn't there a weird American who was acting really suspicious? And he starts walking up. And then he sees you getting smooched on by all of his young wards, his young charges for the evening, and says, oi, who are you then? I would like to fast talk him. Okay, go for it. So I've got a 95 in fast talk. Ooh.

Wow. So chances are good. 51. Okay. I go, hey, I don't know what Bobby's are like, but cops here kind of don't take well to aiding and abetting a criminal, which is technically what you've been doing by allowing me on this bus. So I think maybe we should head out. So Nigel Brisbane, who is wanted for several crimes back in Britain, is like, blimey. Oh, that's too much trouble for this lad. All right, buckle up, kids. And he jumps down to the bottom of the double-decker bus, turns it on, and slowly...

and casually tries to make his way- His giant diesel engine. Stealthily make his diesel engine- Stuttering into the night. Towards the exit. That is going to be tough because, as Shane said, everybody remain where you are. He's got no jurisdiction. Jurisprudential. Yeah. Diplomatic immunity. Yeah.

Blimey, that's a big problem for me. Nigel Brisbane, the number one jewel thief back in London. He's like, all right, what are we going to do? Kids, we got to get this lad out of here. Pronto. Oh, what if you, oh, the Beatles don't exist yet. Nevermind. What are the Beatles? I'm just saying, what if you teens want all like, like imagine a band that you would go really crazy for and you'd like swarm them into

and completely lose your minds. If you did that on the cops, that could maybe buy me some time to sneak away. - We mean like Gary and the pacemakers. - Yeah, like Gary and the pacemakers. - Or the shadows. - Or Johnny kid and the pirates. - These British teens are in love with you and the driver's afraid of going to jail. He's like, "That's a brilliant idea, lad. You're gonna go places." And so he says, "All right, everyone, on the count of three, we all scream and start running." Like the, what was it, Freddie? - The shadows or Gary and the pacemakers. - Like Gary and the pacemakers are here, right?

for Francis. And all the kids are like, for Francis. Dude, the pace figures is such a hardcore name for a man. Francis, will you remember me? And I hold my hand out and I take the hand and I kiss. I go, you know it, baby. What was your name again? Don't worry about that. I just want you to remember this when I kiss you. Oh, okay. Oh, my first kiss.

Man, this happened a lot quicker than I thought it would. This is easy as fuck. That person's name was Matthew, by the way. Great, fantastic. Matthew gives you a quick smooch. All of the British kids and the driver start screaming and running away, just like in all different directions and just flood the area, creating a huge distraction. It's like Thomas Crown, do they all pretend to be American? No.

Is there strutting around? My name is Francis. Bring me my Frankfurter hot dogs, please. They all sound like fucking Benedict Cumberbatch and Doctor Strange. Oh, that's interesting. A hundred different British teens are like, I'm Francis. Where's Francis? Hey, that's Francis over there. I heard Francis plays American football. So they're all running around like crazy kids. While they're doing that, I would like to run into the woods.

Excellent. Give me a stealth roll with advantage. Oh, you walked into the wrong room. I have a 90 stealth. Yeah, baby. 26. That is a medium success. You know what it is, Ant? I think Ant Miller from The Best, the fast-talking, stealthy-moving Glenn Close gave you such a headache, and now it's your turn to levy those skills against another DM. This is the true generational trauma of this podcast. All right.

of Anthony's learned from two seasons of successes against us now comes to bear against you, Will. Now the gun turns the other way. I'm not stuck in here with you. You're stuck in here with me. Francis successfully absconds into the night as Big Shane Silva sees all these teens running around. He's like, attention, teens. Attention, American teens. Return to your vehicles. Stop.

Embrace authority. Stop rebelling against authority. Of course, the more he says that, the more they want to rebel against authority. So it's a real shit show going on. Meanwhile, Freddie, you had been made. Yes, I had been made. So while Shane is saying this, Deputy Duck Book Cookie is clambering through the cars towards your location. He's made eye contact with you. So stop right there, Mr. Kalano. Shoot. And I'm sitting there being like, I've been hit with a car. I'm delirious. I'm delirious. Where am I?

Where's my son? I'm just rolling around. This is a real succulent Chinese meal kind of movement. Yes, it is. It is. What is the crime? I'm sitting here rolling around pretending like I just got hit from this car thing, you know, and that's what I'm bluffing. And I'm like rolling around like clutching my head being like, ah, the madness, the madness. Okay. Help.

Help! Bring in the ambulance! An insurance fraud was born. Bring me a doctor! I need a doctor for my wounds! Because I look like a guy who was in a car accident. Yes, that's true. That is a good point. Okay, so give me an acting role then, as we have discovered that there is, in fact, an acting skill. Well, I didn't put anything in it.

All right, well then give me persuade. Do I get an advantage because I do look like I was in? I am dressed for the part, so to speak. All right, yes, you get advantage in convincing him that you are injured because you are in fact very injured. 22 for 25, I do do it. Okay, oh my gosh. All right, well, just stay. Medic!

It's okay, fellow. We'll get you patched up down at the police station. And he picks you up and starts taking you back to the paddy wagon. This is before they realize that spinal injuries are like, it could be bad. He just like fucking throws me over his shoulder like a sack of burlap. He's like a big burly dude. So he fireman carries you and he says, it's going to be okay, mister. I mean, you're probably going to go to jail for murder and whoever that was. But before then, we'll make sure you're fixed up right quick.

for the old hangman there. And so he bounds back to Big Shane Silva. Is the hangman just watching the movie? No, not everyone's at the movie. Oh, okay. Well, he said the hangman there. He's pointing to the hangman. What, the hangman can't watch the movie? In his hangmobile? He just sits at home? Just a staircase and a wall? He needs escape from all the people in Peachyville. The hangman's at home.

The hangman's at home. Of all the people that need to escape, poor hangman. No, he lives for his work. He's like, when is someone going to get executed around here? He missed out. He could have been at the movie and saw it all happen. He's staring at the phone. Somebody lives for his work. Remember an audition when they cut to the girl and she's just staring at the phone? It's like that.

Nice. And a sack behind some twitches. Oh, wow. This is haunting. I thought this was a rom-com. What's going on? Yes, you've all been dragooned into the cop car, assuming you guys didn't resist arrest. I didn't, but I don't think they searched me. That's true. He was about to search you guys, and then he had to go off to catch Toni Collette. What do you got in there? I happen to have a knitting pin that is very long and metal, and I'm going to try to...

break out of my handcuffs? Oh, yes. That's what I'll do. I'll break out of these handcuffs and then I'll break out of yours and yours and yours. I mean, I could use my hands. That could be nice. But here's the thing. I think we're going to be...

Because we didn't do anything. That's true. I mean, you did. I look at it. What's your mom's name? Kimon Juan. Kimon Juan. I mean, you did technically. I mean, we were all part of a team though, right? We were all doing this together. We were all doing it to save BB. Look, the important thing is we need to make sure they know that we were trying to save BB and that's why we had to shoot that guy. And yeah, we were attacked. And if there's anything that our fine gentlemen in America love is self-defense. Self-defense. And literally four, yeah, some men attacked three women. Yeah, we're fine. It's white. It's white.

You do. It's very nice. Are you going to try to bust out? Are you going to keep cool? Just bust out to let them know that we can. A show of strength, if you will. Okay, I put the knitting needle in my mouth and I try to undo my handcuffs with the knitting needle. Okay, I love it. I think lockpick might be a skill. Yes, locksmith. Locksmith. I've got nothing in it, so I've got to get below a one. Use your luck.

She's 99 luck. Dude, if you did, Beth, I would give it to you. Wait, do you get an advantage? If you burn all your luck, I will give this to you. I only have 40 luck. I know. Beth, if you burn all of your luck, I will give this to you. Whoa.

Can I try to pick my luck? At one point, you can burn the remainder of your luck to automatically succeed at something. But using my luck automatically doesn't make you automatically succeed. What I mean is this. Even if you don't have enough? Even if it's like Beth here with the one skill point. I rolled a 100. Holy shit.

You rolled the opposite of what you needed to roll. So this somehow has to make your life much worse now. I mean, I feel like what happens is you said it's in your mouth? Oh, no. Yeah. So I think you're fiddling with it and you accidentally like deep throat this knitting needle. Oh. It feels like... Huh. Okay, Trudy, let me try now. What is it?

Wait, no, hold on. She swallowed a knitting needle. I was going to have her. I was like, let me try this. She's like, oh, I swallowed it. I don't even know what to roll for this. Well, how about in real life? Okay, Google it. Yeah, what happens when you swallow a knitting? This could save a life, actually. This podcast could save a life. I mean, a knitting needle is pretty big.

It has an 80 to 90% weight. Swallowed objects usually pass through the stomach and intestines without complications that are passing. But this is like, you know what a knitting needle is, right? Like this isn't like a little pin. This is like a big stick of wood. You've jammed this thing into your mouth. I had it in my mouth in the car. Stop and like stab your throat. It just takes a bunch of damage. Yeah. Roll 1d8 damage. Okay. That's pretty heavy. I mean, it's a needle in your throat. I rolled a 1. You rolled a 1? Yeah.

All right. Here's what happened is that it hurt and like, it just goes down your throat. Oh, and I guess when you turn around, Matt, it's gone.

Thankfully, I have another one. Let me try. I want to try. I got a 1% chance, too. Beth, I'm marking on your character sheet that you've swallowed a knitting needle, and there's going to be consequences for this later on. I look at the new knitting needle, and I try to pick a lock, too, having no experience with this whatsoever. All right, give me a roll. I failed. Not a funny fail, though. Not a funny fail. I got 21. Okay.

You know, Matt, you got a bunch of luck points. You have 20 luck remaining. Don't tell me it was a good time. I got 62 luck. But it will just be in the cards. Yeah, the problem is one of you will have no handcuffs on. If I burn 20 points right now, it's going to be really funny. Yeah.

I'll enjoy it. And what happened is seven months from now, I'm like in the middle of like a monster's mouth. Like your character is going to live seven months. I don't think it would be that funny. Oh, there you go. I would just be like, ha ha. And like, just to like be nice. And I would move on. Okay. Yeah. Move on with your life. So that happens. It doesn't work.

As you're failing at it, Big Shane gets into the car and starts. He's like, all right, I'm arresting you all now. Yeah, Harry told us. Okay, well, it's the 1950s, so I don't have to do anything else. I don't have to tell you that you have rights. Oh, is this pre-Miranda Rights? There's nothing else I'm required to tell you about that because this is the 50s and Miranda Rights aren't a thing. Anything you wish to know about your rights can and will be found in the United States Constitution. Ha ha ha!

If you cannot afford a copy of the Constitution, we will not provide one to you. We still have to deal with Freddy. Yeah. Are you just going to let yourself be hoisted into the car? I called for an ambulance. You've done such a good job convincing Duck Book Cookie that you are grievously wounded, that he's got you over his back and says...

get this man to the hospital. And he pulls his gun out and points it at Dan Milkman and says, sir, I'm commandeering and deputizing this milk truck. We need to get to this man in the hospital right away. Dan Milkman is like, well, yeah, sure. Geez, you don't need to point a gun at me. I mean, I'm an honest American milk drinker. I'm not a pedophile. I'm not a pedophile. Put him in my truck. Let's go. And so he's going to throw you in the back of this truck. Move aside the kid corpses. Yeah, there are no kid corpses in the truck. But I'm milk.

Just as suspicious. Tony Kulak's being driven to the hospital. Four of you are going to the police station. And Francis, you've absconded into the woods. Watch out for Sneaky Pete in the woods.

A new cryptid. Who's Sneaky Pete? The other pedophile. He's in Cougars with the Milkman. Look, you don't have to use them. I'm just putting tools out there. Just helping you out, man. Just laying down some fucking characters for you to draw from, my man. A rich tapestry of which I weave, of which you may glance upon. Thank you, Matt. I appreciate it.

Okay. At long last, most of you are arrested. I don't know why I thought that was like, well, they're clearly just going to obey the law. Like that's obviously what a normal human being would do in this situation. Francis is MIA. But I run into a forest cop. Be careful.

Look out, kids. Sneaky Pete could be anywhere. What are you doing out here? Sneaky Pete's around. Sneaky Pete hunts tonight. That's what I found on the fucking... That's what I found carved on the fucking... Matt, don't say his name three times. As Officer Silva gets into the car, he grabs the radio and says, this is Silva reporting in. We have four suspects in custody, one injured headed to the hospital, and one still at large, requesting more officers on the scene to continue the search. Put out an APB. No, can't do that. No.

We're just helping out, man. We're just helping you out. Will, what are you going to do with one set of mouth sound effects? Matt's fucking laid waste to your entire plan. He did one mouth sound effect and it was over, dude. Just kidding, buddy. Of course, I got what you got. Oh, man.

10-4 good, buddy. 10-4 good. God damn it, Sneaky Pete. I told you once and for all, get off the fucking police radio. Why don't you stop me from hunting kids at night? I'll catch you, Sneaky Pete. I'll catch you one of these days. I'll bring you in myself. Put out an APP for Francis Farnsworth. Don't tell Sneaky Pete that.

Sneaky Pete, if you find him, you kill him for me. If you find him, you're pardoned. Sneaky Pete, if you find me, Francis Farnsworth, then you bring him in. And let's just say that issue that you and I have. We'll look into quashing the beef. He's like...

Sneaky beats in the wind. Let's cut to Francis. So Francis, you've bounded through the fence and into the woods. Aw, like a little rabbit. The moon shines bright in the night sky. The cold wind whips as you scale. Coldest wind whips!

It whips ass as you scale this foresty hill. As you crest to the top, you get a beautiful view of Peachyville to the northeast and west of you. The drive-in is to the south along Peachy County Road. Before you to the north, you see downtown Peachyville and the fire blazing in the night sky from...

the house trophy world. It's been quite a night for you guys. Yeah. You can see the distant lights of fire engines as they're struggling to put out that structure fire to the East. You see highway 71 and a vast stretch of farmland beyond. You also see more cop cars tearing down the road towards the drive-in in response to big Shane's call for backup.

To the west, you see the residential part of town. Looking towards home, you think of the gaping hole in the front of your house. He has a name. Huh? He has a name. The gaping hole. He's my dad.

And to the south behind you, you see flashlights below as these police officers are searching. It's only a matter of time before they pick up your trail. What would you like to do? I'm going to head west into the residential area. As you are skulking through the woods, you come across a set of footprints. Jesus. Bigfoot. They're regular man footprints. God damn it. And you hear footsteps as someone is traipsing ahead of you in the woods.

They haven't seen you yet, but you also see a trail of blood as these footprints are going off into the distance. What are you going to do? I'm going to stealthily follow the footprints. Okay. Give me a stealth roll. Step in the footprints and then the cops only have one. Oh, that's not bad thing to

do. That's good. And then you also ruin a set of like actual crime footprints. Yeah, I'll step in the footprints and I got a 42 out of 90. So that's a better than half. Yes. Okay, shit. Okay. So is this your plan? You're going to follow these footprints out of the woods? Yeah. I love that. Probably, you know, from following your in your father's footsteps for so long, you've learned...

How to follow in the footsteps, literally, I guess. Of any man. Of any man. And so you basically tail these footsteps through the woods. They seem to be heading west, but they start to bend towards the north. They're kind of following a circuitous path. Are you trying to, like, keep pace? Are you trying to close in on this guy? What are you trying to do? I'm trying to get close enough that I can see them, but not to, like,

do anything to them. As you get closer, you realize this is the injured man who escaped from your car. You can recognize the rubber Dracula mask, or at least the back of it on his head as you're following him through the woods. And he's coming up. You see like there's a dim light in the distance. And as it gets brighter and brighter and brighter, you see that he is approaching an old abandoned mine.

And in front of the mine are the other two guys who chased you off into the woods. And they're over there discreetly flashing a flashlight. It's sort of a hidden signal. What would you like to do? Flash. Stay hidden, watch what they do. So these three guys meet up. And the third guy comes, and then you hear these hushed voices. They're like, about time you came. What the hell happened back there? The cops are everywhere, man. We're in a shitload of trouble. You got the trophy, though, right? He says, yeah, we got it off that Farnsworth kid, that weedy little dingus. What a fucking nerdy he is. He sucks so much. I hate him.

My fist tightens. There's only one problem, though. It's fake. It's like, fake? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, he must have gotten it from Ed's Trophy World before they burned it down. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Who are these guys? We've got a big problem. How are we going to explain this to the powers that be? It's like, look, I don't know, but we've got to get out of these woods first. That's number one. All right. All right. Come here. Get closer. Let's follow this. Just take a look at this. And so you see the three of them. They huddle around. They've got a map.

And as they're looking at it, they take off their masks so they can get a closer look at it. The light of their flashlights reflects up into their faces. And you see the faces of three members of the True Believers, the bowling team that you were squaring off against at the Peachyville Bolo-Rama Bowling Bowl.

So you see Mushy Callahan, owner of Callahan's Cadillacs. You see Brian Strokes, Brian Strikes Mitchell. Brian Strokes Mitchell is a sentence. It's Brian Strikes Mitchell, right? Yeah, you see Brian Strikes Mitchell, the head librarian of the Peachyville Public Library.

And you see the bloodied face of Buddy Betts of Betts Buy Electronics. And he's got these shotgun pellets mangled in his face. He's like, how am I going to explain this to Mrs. Betts? What a nightmare. Brian, the librarian, is like, just stay calm. I got this old map of this old abandoned mine shaft from...

from the library. It's an old archival map before this place went under back in the 1840s. And you know, for a long time, they were using it to do bootlegging and that kind of stuff. I'm pretty sure the tunnels in here can get us all the way back to town. So let's just follow this map. Let's stay cool. And I'm sure we can find our way back home. He's like, man, I'm not going in there. I heard that place is haunted. He's like, look, and you want to stay out here in the woods? You want to stay out here and get caught by the cops? Then we got to know what their choice are, right? Let's go.

And so the three of them skulk down into this tunnel. What would you like to do? So I feel like I can follow the footprints back to where I first started following them and then just head back toward the residential area. I've gotten the information I need from these goons. Okay, so Francis, you're back at where you started. You're trying to make your way through the woods.

back home, I assume, right? Or to the residential area at any rate to lay low. So the cops are searching for you in the woods. It's a full moon. So you've got a lot of light, a lot of coverage, which is going to allow you to kind of make your way that way. But it's still tricky. These are thicketed woods. It's night. So I'm going to need you to make a navigate roll. That's going to determine how long it's going to take for you to find your way home. I have 10 navigate and I got seven. Oh, wow. Okay. Fucking fantastic. It's

It's going to take you three stealth rolls to get from where you are to the edge of the woods, the residential area. So stealth roll number one is 36 out of 90. Stealth roll number two is 69 out of 90. Nice. Stealth roll number three is 76 out of 90. Okay. Despite the cops sweeping these woods, despite them, there's a couple of close calls as they're swooshing their lights around. Paint me the picture of Francis successfully eluding two cops who were hot on his trail in the woods.

The two cops are following my footprint, presumably. So I do the old shining where I walk backward through my footprints and then leap a distance away so the footprints double back on themselves. And then while they're painting the area with their flashlights, I'm like moving from tree to tree with my back up against the tree looking over and I'm just like, and

and they can't hear my breath, but I'm fucking breathing hard. That's haunted. So fucking excited. All my bully avoiding skills are finally coming into use. This feels like how you get home every, like, every fucking dance, every fucking football game. Yeah, you're just like, oh, this is just where my bus normally stops. Yeah.

I know this path like the back of my hand. All right, so you emerge from the woods in the backyard of one of your neighbors. You're about a block from home. You see on the TV inside, like the family is gathered around the Victrola, or once again, they are listening to like an emergency broadcast. Like, this is the Peachyville police. We have a maniac teenager on the loose named Francis Farnsworth. Please report him immediately upon sight. The suspect is considered armed and extremely dangerous.

I'm not armed or dangerous. Well, I might be dangerous. Ooh. Seems like good for your rep. That's kind of cool. That's not bad at all. The rep is out of control now. Francis Dangerous Farnsworth. Dangerous is my middle name. Francis, what would you like to do? I'd like to leap the fences adjoining the backyards and just basically make my way to Kelsey Grammer's house. Okay. Which is next door to mine. Easy peasy. So you Ferris Bueller your way over to Kelsey's.

There's somebody sunning themselves in the moon. I'm like, hey, Francis, dangerous fire's went. Nice to meet you. You got to sneak past Milton, who always. Yes. Okay. So yes, yes, yes, yes. So as you get to Kelsey's house, all seems quiet except for one creepy, weird boy standing vigil exactly where Kelsey told him to wait in the front lawn six hours ago.

And he's on the lookout, as he said, for a mysterious, strange looking man skulking about around the house. Holy shit. Holy shit. You are going to have to get in. Now this is, I feel like Milton's got to be boss level for you. What's your stealth score? 90. Oh, what a coincidence. His spot hidden is 90. Oh,

Looks like it's a roll-off. Milton being a creep and maybe a low-key peeping Tom who is all about noticing hidden things where they shouldn't be. I feel like you're the only thing keeping Milton from being the number one most bullied kid at school. This is going to be a stealth spot-off attack.

essentially. Okay. What are you trying to do? You're trying to get into Kelsey's apartment? It's a house, right? Yeah. It's like a back unit. Yes. I'm trying to sneak into the back unit through the back and I get inside. What is your strategy? I'm going to go through a window. I'm going to open the window quietly and then clamber in. So Milton is patrolling and he's going to be on the lookout. Wait for his vision cone to move away from me. Okay. And then put a cardboard box over my head. Give me a stealth role.

47 out of 90. Milton is now going to do his spot hidden role. Milton got a 34. Okay. You are in the middle of creeping up to the window and he's just in the window. He's broken into Kelsey's apartment to do who knows what in there. What? God. Can I help you? Milton!

You got to help Kelsey. I'm going to fast talk. I'm going to say, you got to help Kelsey. The cops took her for a crime she didn't commit. You got to get to the police station and bail her out. I'm on my way. It's very good. Man, that was easy. Give me a roll for it, I guess. Fast talk. I have 95 and I got a six. Okay. So he's like, oh my God, Kelsey.

Thank you so much. Thank you for telling me that she's in trouble. I'll go right now. No problem. This was something else I was going to reveal in case Kelsey needed lawyers. He always wears on the inside of his jacket the first place ribbon he got in the school's mock trial competition. And he says, today's your day, Milton. Today's the day you prove yourself. Did he put that right next to the one free condom he got? No.

Foolishly, he pinned it through the condom. He doesn't understand why that's a problem. So that's a little Chekhov's gun that might show up later. I don't think that gun's ever going off. It's okay. Okay.

Milton runs away and hops on his bike and speeds off into the night towards the police station. So I go inside Kelsey's house and I look around for makeup, any dresses that will fit me. If she has wings, glasses. Every dress will go on you. Okay. Because they're all looking for Francis Farnsworth, but they're not looking for Franny Farnsworth, his cousin from out of town. Okay.

Bugs Bunny logic works in this world. That's her little cousin. Yeah. Matt, why don't you describe. Chelsea doesn't have any wigs, but she does have a lot of fun dresses. A lot of prints. There's a lot of prints. It's like animal prints and fun little like rulers with like grammar and alphabets. Like just fun prints. Grammar.

Yeah. So I'm going to need to explain what a grammar print is. Oh, like a bunch of letters. It's just like a sentence. The quick round. I'm getting bigger and bigger. Who's the teacher in Magic School Bus? Miss Frizzle. Yeah, definitely like that. It's also my mom, my second grade teacher. She's got a lot of good bead necklaces, like really brightly colored necklaces. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, absolutely. And yeah, that's pretty much her entire wardrobe other than the one closet that you should not open. Sorry, the what?

The one closet that he should not open. Is it marked such so I know not to open it? It looks different than all the other ones. I love that closet. I'm just looking for stuff to disguise myself with. Okay. What's in the closet, man? A big pile of cash. Sorry? A big pile of cash. Wowee!

Francis, today's your lucky day. In a little metal ammo crate box. Oh, wow. As you see all this giant pile of money on the floor and you go, Francis, this is your lucky day. You hear a banging fist on the door and a gun cocking and a voice say, it's me, Kelsey. I'm here for my money. I hide under the bed.

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And with that, we will jump back to the police station. Matt is B for bail. We montage our way through you guys getting booked and mug shot it and fingerprinted. Oh my God. Trudy's mug shot looks so good. She looks fantastic. Tony there too. Meanwhile, we're also montaging through Tony getting wheeled into the hospital.

And jabbed with morphine and given a cigarette by the doctor and a pat on the ass. And then he's getting handcuffed. Does he get his HP back? Oh, that's right. I need this. That's why I'm going. Oh my God. I've been waiting for this moment. I've been waiting for this moment where I get to explain how major wounds work, Freddie. Do I have a major wound? You do, because you lost over half your health in one hit. Oh yeah. Recovery. Okay, here we go. If you do not have a major wound in this game, Call of Cthulhu, you recover one hit point per day.

Otherwise, you make a constitution check for removal of major wound each week. Standard success adds 1d3 HP per week.

Extreme success adds 2d3 and then uncheck a major wound on an extreme success or if current HP is above half value. So it's like a slow healing process. Yes, it's a very slow healing process in this game. Well, so let me ask you this. Does being in a hospital help boost that at all? Like, i.e., does it give us an immediate, like, constitution save weekly success automatically because it's a hospital? Comfortable environment or medical care add a bonus dice. Hello.

So you are going to give me a constitution roll with a bonus dice to check how well you've succeeded on healing up from your 10 hit points worth of damage. So roll 3D tens, two of them your tens digit, and give me the better of the two. Okay, so I got a four and then a seven. And then the ones digit was a one. So a 41 or a 71. A 41 with a lower. What's your constitution? My constitution is 75. Okay. That's a hardy boy. That's a hardy boy. They make them strong in America. Yeah.

So that's a standard success. So congratulations. You get 1d3 HP. Holy shit. Really? That's fair. It's only like an hour or something. You kind of fly through a windshield. They're just there to stabilize you. I gave you 1 HP. Oh, man. You're just there to stabilize. I have 5 HP now. So yeah, you're now up to 5 HP. Doc, give me something to take the edge of.

Here's some bourbon and a shot of morphine. And a Playboy. And a Playboy. And it says here on your health chart that you've got one hit point back, sport, so don't go raising too much hell. Don't do anything I wouldn't. You are a... Doctor, he's lost the will to speak.

I never do, my man. Doctor, what should I call you again, Doctor? You can call me Doctor Man. Doctor Man, will you light my cigarette?

You bet your ass I will. God damn, I love it when a man of authority lights my cigarette. You're really lighting my cigarette now, pal. All right. Ha ha, and he lights his own cigarette and then touches the tip of a tear cigarette. Oh, that's how we light it. That's how men light cigarettes in the 1950s. French style, huh? That's how the French men do it. That's what I learned in the war. It's like the lady in the tramp.

of cigarettes. Lighten me like a French man, that's what I always say. Well, you come back and see Dr. Man whenever you need to feel good, Tony Galant. Or when I need to get another cigarette. Whenever you need your cigarette relit, you come see me. You know how to smoke, don't you? You're damn right. Smoke them like a man. You are under arrest, though. Yeah, the cop has been there the whole time. He's like, Jeepers, you wow, Gadzooks, you fellas sure do know how to talk pretty. Laughter

He handcuffs you and takes you to the police department. Very well, take me in. So you all get one phone call. Okay. Bebe is going to make her phone call. So she picks up the phone. She's like, Grandma, yeah, it's Bebe. Put that on the phone. Dad, hey, okay, don't flip your lid, but I'm in jail.

Yeah, well, I was working a case, okay? Things got a little out of hand. I was really scared, but I pulled it together, okay? I know, I know, I know. Don't trust cops. Don't say squat. I don't, and I won't. Just have mom come pick me up in the morning, okay? Okay, love you, bye. Tony Collette would like to call his lawyer. Okay, who's Tony Collette's lawyer? Good question. You do have the business card of Ed Farnsworth, who is an accident attorney. Oh, that's right. I think it should be the right sheriff

me go though no I have Ed Farnsworth I'm gonna call Ed Farnsworth he's gonna be so predisposed to help you wait you're right hold on is Kimone with us she is with you that'll be her phone call that'll be her phone call Kimone Kimone who are you gonna call

I've already called my husband and he's on his way here. And is he agreed to represent all of us? No, he has explicitly said he will be helping me out. He is also terrified because we have no idea where our son is. So I'll be trying to make sure that my son is kept safe. You killed the man. Like I said, we were all part of this. Well, big time. You just said that you're only going to represent yourself. Well,

Excuse me. I heard you guys tell the guy like seven different stories. I mean, it's just... Do we all want the same lawyer? Do we all want the same lawyer? Is that what we're saying? I'll be calling my own lawyer. God damn it. Tony, just one second. Just one second. Yes, if your husband's a good lawyer, it'd be nice if we had a lawyer. So it's just that we're all in on this and we all did nothing wrong. And if anybody did anything wrong, like legally, it'd be shooting somebody in the head, which you did, but none of us are going to... And we're more than happy to throw you under the goddamn bus, Tony. No, Tony, we're not...

Tony, Tony, Tony. What is it, Kelsey? Oh, Tony. Oh, you know, I need, it's hard for me to think. I thought we were playing good cop, bad cop. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Were we playing good? I'm more what I said. Yeah, if we could use your husband as a lawyer, that'd be great. I want to be clear to all of you ladies. I was hit by a car. We all saw it, Tony. Oh, my. How are you doing? I've been better, I'll tell you what. But I got a cigarette and a finger up her new boyfriend. Okay, well, we got Bebe. You see the town doctor? He's a strapping fellow. Oh.

Yeah, well, which one? Ooh, which one was it again? Dr. Man. Dr. Man. She don't remember his name? Toby Collette plays hard and fast with names. Oh, Dr. Man. Yeah, he's got a really nice son, Boy. His name is Boy Man. Boy Man. Boy Man.

Matt, you're so fast with that. Look, I'm sorry, but I don't frankly know you guys. I just met you. Very well, then I'll call my lawyer. My husband will be representing me, and I hope we can all get along, but I have to look out for myself and my family, and I just hope that we can all agree to tell the same story to the police, but I also have to protect myself, and I hope you guys can understand that. I really hope you don't go to prison for shooting a man that none of us did. I would be more... I would be... I would be... I would be, like, more...

Beth, give me a constitution roll. Let's see how that knitting needle is doing. If you get a one, you can just pull it out. Yeah, like a fucking circus performer. I have a constitution of 50 and I rolled a four. Oh, come on. That's pretty fucking good. That is a magic trick. It feels like next BM. Next BM is out. Bro, straight out of there like a patriot misbelieving the fucking silos, dude. With a four, you get to say what happened. Excuse.

Excuse me, Mr. Officer, may I use the ladies? Oh, it's right here. It's right here in the cell. Okay, so I'm just going to... Oh, would you look at that? I can go back to knitting my...

I hand you the other one. I had Shiv snitches in jail. That'll come in helpful in the clink. Okay, well, that's one problem resolved. I understand you have to take care of your family. Look, everybody, we didn't do anything wrong. There was a child that was kidnapped or something, and we went to try to save. You ran over, and we were trying to find a way to save her. We got attacked by a bunch of men, and you did the God-given right of self-defense as well.

That's what I've been saying. Thank you, Kelsey. That's what I've been saying. Yeah, I know. I'm just a little put off by the fact that I'm, you know, the school barm. And we were here and I did teach your kid. And you've instantly thrown us under the bus. How have I thrown you under the bus? I'm just saying I'm getting my own representation. My lawyers can talk to your lawyers and they can work together. Oh, call my lawyer. I have a real petty fogger by the name of...

He's German. The lawyer tower by the name of the fucking name. Again, give me a luck roll to see if you remember the name of your lawyer. Good call. Good call. Good call. Good call. 69, 63 luck points. I'm not going to burn it. I don't remember. You have a lawyer Kelsey. And then as you say that you see the door opens the officer on duty for the drunk tank that you're all thrown. And it says,

I have a lawyer here for Miss Kelsey Grammer, and Milton is there, and he's straightening up his ties. You haven't talked to them yet, have you? Oh, Milton, yes. Officer, officer, Milton, one moment, please. Officer, can you repeat the thing you said to me? The thing I said to you? What did you say to me? Just now? Yes. I said that there's a lawyer here to see you. And then can you look at the thing, the person that you said it, and you brought it into the room?

you're supposed to be an officer, correct? You don't have to answer that. Does this seem like a lawyer? I don't know. A lawyer from nothing, ma'am. He says he's your lawyer. If you don't want him, then you don't have to have him. Pride of the force. Aren't you? Okay. Um,

All right, Milton, what are you doing here? I heard that you're in trouble, and I'm here to get you out. It's going to be okay, Kelsey. Milton's here. Is this your lawyer? How did you know? Yes, I am her lawyer. You don't have to answer that. I will answer whatever I would like, Milton. How did you know we were here? Oh, your friend came by. Oh, what did he look like? Well, I didn't get a good look at him, but he seemed really stressed out, and he said that I should come here and find you because you were in trouble. That's something that Francis would say. Sounds like something Francis would say. He's the only one that tells the world he's in trouble, too. I know that course of action anywhere. Ha ha ha!

I don't know how to describe course of action anywhere. That's our friend. So where did you last see him? I saw him at your apartment. He was going inside. Where were you? I was, um, I was at your apartment. At? At. I was at your apartment. I may have, I think I saw, I heard, I saw and I heard and then I went in and then I saw him.

We're going to talk to your mother about this. You don't have to answer that. The number one thing is you haven't talked to them yet. Have you? I mean, no, we're supposed to get a phone call. So I still have a phone call. I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for my phone call. Oh, okay. Trudy, do you want to have a phone call first? It hasn't run yet. Oh, no, you have to make... No, Trudy, Trudy. Trudy, you can use the phone to call someone else. Yeah, you can call anybody. Maybe call Tucker. Does he have a lawyer? Yes, he has a patent lawyer. Oh. No, that's not... No, no, no, no. That won't help at all. Yeah, I don't think that'll help. We could invent a new defense that's never been seen before.

Who does Trudy want to call? I'll call Tucker. Okay. The phone rings and rings and rings and rings.

And then finally Tucker answers and says, Tucker residents, I'm sorry, I don't know where my wife is. Usually she answers this thing. Oh, so sorry. Well, I'm glad you know how to do it, sweetheart. Trudy, is that you? Oh, yes, it's me. Trudy, where in the gosh darn dickens are you? Before you say anything, I know that I'm required to be home at exactly 8 p.m. sharp, and I'm not there. But something terrible has happened. Darling, tell me everything. We are behind bars. Who's we?

Oh, well, me and my friends, my bowling team. The bowling team we agreed you weren't going to speak to or talk to anymore. Oh, we did agree to that, didn't we? We did. Well, I haven't talked to... Trudy? The police yet. So that's one man... You're in jail. That's one man I haven't spoken to. Okay. I'm speaking to the man I do care about. Well, Trudy, I have to say I'm rather disappointed. Oh?

Not bad. Trudy? Yeah? I'll be by shortly. Oh. And then we'll discuss it. Okay. And he hangs up.

Trudy gets really pale. And she's like, Tucker's coming by. Okay. With a lawyer or? He's really disappointed in all of us. Oh, Trudy. Me especially. Oh, Trudy coming. Give me a hug. Yeah.

Oh, Trudy. Tony's going to call his Taiwanese... He's going to call Tyrus? Yeah. He's going to call Tyrus. All right. It's like one in the morning. So you just hear... You should be up cooking egg foo young.

If Tyrus listened to me, it's Tony. You know, the guy across the street. Yeah, I... Do you remember? I need you to go to my Rolodex and get me the name of my lawyer. Are you fucking kidding me, Tony? It's one of our names. I'm in jail, goddammit. All right, that's your phone call. Shit. What was his name? Enemies to lovers. You have a good lawyer, right? Yes, I will. Okay, I'm going to call Tyrus. Okay.

Hello. I swear to God, Tony. No, Tyrus. It's Kelsey. Who? Kelsey, the teacher. Kelsey, I don't have children. I know, but you... I don't know who you are. Well, you... I'm the school teacher of the whole town. Okay. You're a nice person. Do you want... I'm a woman in need. You love Chinese food? No. I just... I'm... Is that the Chinese food?

I'm starving. Okay, well, actually we would. Maybe if you could do a pre-order of some sort. Tyrus hangs up. All right, so you've all used your phone call. The door to the cell opens and Big Shane walks in. He says, all right.

The gang's all here. Are you sure this is the right spot? There's no Girl Scouts here. It's still Tony. Oh, Tony knows all about this story. Oh, he's got your ass. Do you think he protects that thin mint line? You know, it's funny. It's real funny. The threat that communism presents to our Judeo-Christian way of life. It's all a big laugh to people like you. And he steps up to each one of you in turn as he's pacing through the hallway. First, he steps up to BB and he says, crackpots.

He walks up to K'mon Wong. Foreigners. He walks up to you, Kelsey. Intellectuals. Yeah, I'm a teacher. He steps up to Tony Glowering. Degenerates. I said degenerates. And then he turns to Trudy and useful idiots. You've told me one funny baloney story after another about what happened tonight, but here are the facts. Someone shot Officer Biff Jenkins point blank in the face of the peachy plex driver. Yeah, we did. Someone. Someone.

Burned Hal's trophy world to the ground with Hal trapped inside. And someone saw all of you at the scene of each in a 1958 Ford Edsel Villager. Now I've already got enough to book all four of you for two counts of murder one, but lucky for you, I've got bigger fish to fry. Redfish.

Like communists. Oh, like how? That was you were supposed to gasp for that. I have reason to believe a KGB spymaster has been recruiting double agents right here in Peachyville. And I'll bet dollars to donuts they're sitting right here in this room. And he looks straight at you, Tony Collette, and glares at you. So here's the deal. I'm going to have a little talk with each of you. If you cooperate and give up your ringleader, you get a cookie, a Girl Scout cookie. If you don't, you're going down for double homicides.

And he gets up. Oh, my gosh. Will is getting up in real life. Will is physically getting up. Guys, if we die in the game and we die in real life. Beckoning Matt to go into. I'm walking to Will. Will's going into Freddie's other room. The other room. My goon room. Not the goon room. Oh, you.

You guys! Matt is moaning. No, you don't see Will. Will, there's an interrogation room. What? Okay, so Will's put an interrogation room in Freddie's other room. And you watch as Shane leads Kelsey into an interrogation room and slams the door shut. The fear of the broken sky was so eyes twisted in

But I'll stay

♪♪♪

We have European tour dates. Tickets go on sale Friday, June 7th. Patreon and venue pre-sales happening this week. We're going to be hitting Dublin, London, Tiddleburg, Hamburg, Berlin, Antwerp, and Amsterdam at the beginning of October. Patreon supporters, as always, get first crack starting right now. Pre-sales are available. You can find the information at our website. Dates, links to the tickets, all that stuff that you need to know. Dungeonsanddags.com slash live. Meanwhile, we're currently in the midst of our U.S. tour. I'm recording this live from a spare conference room.

in the Spring Hill Suites outside of Chicago. We still have a bunch of cities to go. Upcoming shows in Indiana, Michigan, Tennessee, Georgia, New York, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, and we're capping it off with a Father's Day show in L.A. There's still time. Tickets are available at DungeonsandDags.com slash live. Go now. Americans, see us live now. Europeans, see us live later in October. DungeonsandDags.com. That's our website.

Those Patreon supporters I mentioned, they support the show directly. They get numerous perks and benefits, including getting their name into a shout-out pool. So shout-out to Griffin Stern, Beth Barton, Toby and Sandy, CG, Shady Stars, Sarah McGrath, KC, Kit, Gina, Funkmaster D, Landon Williams,

Cinder Crow, Beth, Dill, Tiny, Mixed Corey, Jacob S, Lucy Hanley, Alex L, and Peter Van Hauen. Support the show directly. Get tons of bonus content, perks, Discord community access, and so much more. That's at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Our website with live tour dates and tickets is at dungeonsanddads.com. Just click around until you find it. Thanks so much for listening. Thanks to everyone who's come out to our show so far. Our next episode's coming at you June 18th. We will see you then. Swallowing my dreams and making them scream.

Boy, this did not go the way I thought. Really? You didn't think we were going to split into four different parties?