S2 Ep. 46 - Lincoln in the No Holds Bardo
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Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. This Sunday on Slay Per View. It's the thunder in the underworld. The competition in perdition. The melee in haylay.

Undefeated, normal Oakley Swallows Garcia, Marlo Swift the Unworthy takes on undefeated, Taylor Oakley Swallows Garcia, Marlo Swift the Unworthy. We're only undefeated because we've never done this before! In an all-out, hell-in-a-cell-in-a-cell-in-hell deathmatch, to the death.

Normal Oak, considered by many the pound-for-pound third best four-square player in his gym class. Taylor Swift, mall karate greenbelt, student of the blade, master of the blade pose. Hey, but like for real, can we just like rock, paper, scissors or something? Two children will enter, one child will die. The other will become the American government's puppet overlord of hell. Please, I don't want to do this, I'm not a competitive person!

See the fight that has the CIA saying? We can neither confirm nor deny that our agency has any records regarding your request. The CIA proudly presents the Confrontation, Indamination, Coronation bout. Order it now on AT&T Direct TV, the only cable service in hell.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead... No. Excuse me? No, Matt. What? No. If you didn't say my name, nobody would have known who it was. Oh, Matt! Okay! You're so dark! Yeah, I don't know about that, bud. I don't... Yeah. This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. This season, about four teens from our world sent to save the original... Why did Matt do that? Why not? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Because it was there, Will. Because it was there. Four teens from our world sent to save our world to fix the mess that their grandparents caused and make an eldritch friend in the process. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the once ranger, now tiefling rogue.

Now I'm like, it would be so much worse if Matt had done it after you had said your name or after one of us had said our names. I did it at the only right time. This week's Taylor fact, we got a lot of the close ussy in the last episode. The klissy? The klissy, as they say. The glissy klissy. The glissy klissy. You may think that Cassandra, Taylor's mom, is a blameless angel and all of

this, right? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. That's right. In the anime she was in, Blameless Angel. Blameless Angel, yeah, yeah. Here's what happened. This scene was not seen, but immediately after Taylor throws away his...

Greenbelt years ago. The scene that happens immediately is that Cassandra goes, oh, honey, you look down. Is everything okay? And then Taylor looks up and sees right across the street from the mall karate place, mall ninja shit. And Taylor goes in and she buys him four katanas. That's a good mom. Five. Cassandra Swift did nothing wrong. Yeah.

She's got to redirect her energy somewhere because otherwise it's going to turn into something dark. A taser. Yep. Like straight up a taser and a stun gun. This woman has done nothing wrong. And a grappling hook. She's doing her best. She's a single mom, Freddie. Not spending like a single mom. Take that out. Take that out.

She's making anime money, Matt. Absolutely not. Let's stay at it, Matt. That's so good. Keep it. Keep it. Keep it. No, sorry, Matt. You get your uh at the beginning. You get your bad joke. Yep.

Hi, everybody. Anyone who is a single mom or was raised by a single mom, you know who to go after. The nut boy. Hi, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play... See how weird it is, Matt? That wasn't weird at all, Will. I'm going to say my fact meeting direct eye contact with you from now on. Hi, my name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled-at-home soccer kid. Mm-hmm.

I hate this energy so much. Schooled at home soccer. I can't even remember now. Will's making me blush. The schooled at home soccer kid who is the protective paladin of his group. Little known fact about Lincoln. So as we know, his parents are very protective and Lincoln often wanted to, you know, climb over those walls and play on the playgrounds with the other kids. And the only way he was allowed to go outside and play with anybody else is he had to sign an NDA first. Oh,

What? And what does NDA stand for? A near dad agreement. You always have to be near dad. No matter what. Ah! Ah!

so he's agreed he always has to be near dad can i ask as we all know in legal parlance a contract is only good as your enforcement mechanism what was the way they two and a half feet no but how did they enforce that what do you mean like what is the punishment like how like what if he goes beyond two and a half feet i mean he's a breach of contract yeah then what happens sue him yeah i don't know no fifa that night like you're telling me he never got in trouble no lincoln always obeyed the rules

Yeah. Sorry. Loser. Okay. At what age did the contract, because obviously he's been- They got rid of it specifically when he went to school. Mm-hmm. Because school, obviously, he could- And then his entire time, his entire life, he was never more than two and a- If they went outside. If they went outside. When he was in his yard, it's like he could do whatever he want. But if he was going to go outside to play around- You found something that's even stranger than the little monkey backpack with the leash tail on it. Yes. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Noble Oak. Hi.

He's a... Matt's looking at me. He's a perky baby, chipper-cheery school spirit, mascot kid. Given that Normal may be about to inherit the mantle of hell, I thought I'd talk about the other time Normal ran a country, which is when he ran Ecuador in the school's model UN and accidentally started World War III. How did...

Ecuador accidentally started World War III. So a funny story. So normal the previous night at the big football game ruined the game and caused the team to lose after a really botched like front hand spring move distracted the team during a clutch field goal. Everyone was super mad at him. Model UNs the next morning and the rest of the world declared war on him. Oh.

Sounds like you were just bullied. Yeah, that's fair. That's really what a world war is. You didn't start World War III, they did. That's not on you. Poor normal. Hi, I'm Beth May. Oh my god, who did that? Who did that? Sorry. So inappropriate. I was looking at you three, I thought we were all going to do it. Oh my gosh, I can't believe it. I play Scary Marlo. Yeah!

Scott's secret of darkness is not like the other warlocks doesn't want to care anymore. Fun fact about scary is that at Teen High she actually headed a petition to make emo music into black metal because black metal sounds cooler but

But she doesn't actually like listening to it. Oh. Yeah. So if you could imagine, like, the soundtrack to Twilight New Moon being called black metal, like, that's, like, what... I love this fact. This is great. Yeah, that's kind of, like, what Scary was going for. Who is she going to submit the petition to? Like, what governing body would be able to decide this? Ecuador. Ecuador? Yes. Ishkor's guide to electronic music will, obviously. The Spotify Nation, as exists in this iteration of reality. Spotify Nation. Yep.

Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Oh, no. You sounded sad at the end. That's too bad. It is when it's Anthony. What does that mean? What the fuck? Matt's coming in. It means it's over. Matt started today, like before the record, Matt's like, can we take a few minutes? My blood sugar feels a little low. I'm just going to have a graham cracker and like a soda pop. And like, folks, that was not the right decision because Matt's coming in. Matt's wearing like a, Matt's got like a shirt on. I've never seen him wear before. I know. I think it's such a good idea.

cute shirt like as soon as Matt opened the door I was like hello look at that cute shirt it's kind of like Bahama dad like it's the energy Matt's giving him straight Matt came in straight from Margaritaville yeah I wish what am I I'm your dad hey dad your dad fact or teen fact for today is that some people are asking questions about Jodi and Scam Likely like how did that come about why are they together and it's because Scam Likely thought it would be funny

Wow. That's pretty much just it. I think he saw the most straight-laced dude he could possibly see and decided to corrupt him and give him a child. And so he scammed Jodi into falling in love with him. And it worked. Because that's a thing you can do. I love a marriage for the bit. Last episode, you managed to get the second and third out of four injections of daddy magic. Of that juice.

The juice into your jar. Just as you were about to leave hell to go find the final piece of daddy magic, which would be with Henry Oak, the CIA invaded hell with the might of the American army behind them and basically said they are taking over. And as part of their takeover, as is wanted to do for the CIA, they need to install a new dictator. Am I correct?

crazy. Anthony has kind of flattened the FBI and the CIA. They're one thing now. I think that's beautiful. They're all TLAs. All FBIs are CIA, but not all CIAs are FBI. Thank you. The feds appear and basically say that somebody else needs to take care of health and it might as well be one of you.

And both Taylor and Normal volunteered to be the king of hell. So they summoned a big lava cage from the ground and said only one of you could leave. And that was where we left off last episode. Do we level up? Yes, you leveled up twice because each time you managed to get a big, important daddy magic memory, you got another level. So you guys are now two levels higher than you were previously. Level 13. 13 and scary. I'm 14. Let's just say that Will Campos, power gamer, may have chosen a feat.

that will help normal. Of course you would choose feet. You perv. No, I'm just kidding. There's nothing wrong with liking feet. I feel like that deserved a better laugh than it did. No, it's because it's offensive to people who like feet. And I acknowledge that. I'm sorry. We kind of also made a bunch of jokes about the word feet sounding like feet before the podcast started. It just kind of played out. Just wasting gold. Just pour that pasta water right down the drain. Okay.

Go ahead, Will. Oh, okay. You got a, you got a feet. May I start? May I finish? Let's see the feet. All right. Let's see them. Let's see them. I picked a fun thing that'll help me in my fight with Taylor. That's what this is. Is it to stop the fight and just be friends? So really quick, Andy. Shit, I should have picked that one. Andy, can you describe the octagon that we find ourselves in really quick? The canvas upon which we paint. So you know the Thunderdome from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome? Fuck yeah. Half of a sphere made with a bunch of, you know, individual bars of metal that sort of

give the spirit structure but those individual bars made of lava you can feel the heat radiating from the walls of the dome and there are obviously big openings between these rods of lava where everybody can see you fighting are they big enough for us to like climb through uh no well you can try you'd have to contort yourself pretty well but you can give it a shot okay do you have to like dip your butt like yeah you have to do like a weird butt first like compress your spine entrapment yes you have to entrap yourself yeah you have to katherine zeta jones it

Okay, okay. Those two poses, the blade pose and the Catherine Zia Jones entrapment pose are like the two physical poses I think about maybe more than any other. For different reasons. They are the two genders. We don't want to fight. Time out, time out, time out. Where's my cut man? Right here, right here, Taylor. Whatever you need. I'll give you your cut man. No, I'll be Norm's cut man. Okay, all right. Hopefully we're not

We're not going to get cut though. We need our cut men in the ring with us. Okay. Schmankin says that's not how cut men work. They wait outside the ring. But they're going to get burned if they try to cut us from the ring because the ring's so hot. They can reach their arms through. Well, I think that we should have some sort of like maybe magical enchantment that we can wear around our bodies so that we won't get cut by the fire. I mean, burnt by the fire.

That'd be a good idea. I don't have one of those. Mr. Schmagan? Yeah. Mr. Schmagan? Agent Schmagan. Agent Mr. Schmagan. Can I just give the hell thing to Taylor? Is that an option? I'm pretty sure the throne of hell has to be earned by blood.

So one of you has got to kill the other, surely. Could you just have it? I don't really like to get involved in politics. I'm sort of more of a neutral third party in all this. I was there on January 6th. I'd like to roll to Grima Wormtongue Schmeggin for a second. So persuasion? A persuasion roll, if you will. A Wormtongue roll. I got a 21. Wow. Jesus Christ. All right, what do you want to convince me now, Anthony? It's over. Schmeggin, you yearn for power, the man behind the throne.

is the one who carries the most power. It's just like when I wanted to be head cheerleader and they were like, you can be the manager of the cheerleader. And I was like, yes, I should. Okay, you just convinced me to be the man behind the throne. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry. Wait, what? You just said the man behind the throne has the real power. Did I know? He wants to be the puppet government and we would be the ones and he'd be behind us

He's not even more sure of what he wants to do. Schmagan, the man behind the throne is nothing. Well, you didn't roll a 21 when you said that, so he definitely believes what Cameron said. How about they just both be the leader? That's cool. Okay, so really quick, I want to check, using my insightful manipulator special ability, what's Schmagan's int and whiz versus my int and whiz? He's got a 17 int and an 18 whiz. Wow! Jesus Christ. He's a smart boy! Damn it. Damn it, that's like...

Way more than that. Okay, this person's really smart. CIA doesn't skimp on the nootropics they give their agents. Nice. Their stacks are out of this world. We're super gonna fight, but we need to discuss terms first, right, Taylor? Yes. I go up to Taylor and I whisper real low, hey, Taylor.

Okay. Yeah. Here's what I'm thinking. You like, you pretend to kill me and then I'll take a dive. Then once they lower the gate, we get out of here. Guys, we need to find like a third person to be like the actual king because there's no way they're going to let you out of here if they think that you're the king. Can I roll insight on Schmagan? Sure. I want to see if I can get a sense of like who he would want in a perfect world to be the leader. Oh. Ronald Reagan. He's got to be down here somewhere. Ronald Reagan. He trickled down. Wow. Wow.

Wow, you get advantage. That's nice. It was kind of the obvious choice, but I mean, you got to it first. Doesn't matter. No fruit tastes sweeter than the low one. So the 14, you can tell that he kind of doesn't give a shit, but if you had to lean towards anybody, he would lean towards Taylor because his family lineage has the experience of managing hell. Okay.

I don't know where that was going to go. Well, okay. Okay, so yeah. Hey, spectators, is there anybody here who secretly or not secretly kind of wants to be the leader of hell? Let me roll for the assembled masses of the might of the United States military.

So a nine. It's me. The Marine Corporal Sergeant. Guys. David Hellman. David loves Satan. David loves Satan here reporting for duty, guys. I'd like to be promoted to the role of leader of hell. Great. Hooah. Is there anybody who wants to kill David? We can kill him. I'll kill David. No, what? What?

He looks really big. What are you doing? All right. Sounds good. Says David. The cage barely opens enough for him to walk through. You have David. I roll in. Okay. Good. Both of you roll dexterity to try and not hit each other. Ha ha.

A natural one. That's wild because I literally got a natural 20. Do they cancel each other? You talk into each other and you both bounce backward and stay exactly where you were.

Oh, my head! Oh, Norval, wait. How are you out there? Wait, are you in there? I'm still in here. Oh, I didn't get in. Oh, I thought I did a really good Tom. I've been working on my front handspring. I thought I got really good. I guess not. I guess I got to practice more. Yeah, you just front handspring into him. It's a Marine in there, right? Yes, David St. Lover is in there. He's ripped off his shirt. Okay, is that really necessary? He shows off his, like, goat head tattoos. I know who he'll listen to. And Mr. Schmecken. I look, I say, I'll be right back.

And I want to grab Abraham Lincoln, who remember correctly was down in hell. Yep. Saying bitch along with link from. Yep. Mr. Lincoln. Yes.

This country, hell, needs your leadership. So if you could just come with me. I was busy. You can't tell a lie, Abe. Yeah. Oh. You're not busy. You haven't done anything. No, I was just rewriting my memoirs. Dude, you don't need to write memoirs. It's an old history if I turned around and caught the bullet.

All right, I'll come down with you. Hey, scary. Wow, there's more than four score and seven people down here. Wait one second. Hey, scary. What's up? Schmagan says there needs to be bloodshed, right? Yeah. So, like, if we find, like...

Hey, Abe. Yes? Want to take a shot back at Mr. Booth? That's all I've been thinking about the entire time I've been down here. I've been looking for him, but he's been ducking me like a pussy. Deceive him. Deceive him that David Satan lover. Maybe Miss Schmegan will let Abraham Lincoln become the president of hell if he kills Mr. Booth. And Mr. Booth would totally want to become president of hell. And Mr. Booth changed his name, right? To what was it? David something? Oh, scary. Scary.

Holy shit. Cut to normally fucking Taylor getting piled right in the fucking ground by David Seaman. He's got one of you in each hand. He's just smashing at each other like dolls. Wait, time out, time out. Mr. Michigan Reagan, I think there's somebody you're going to want to see here before you let this fight continue. You too, Mr. Marine. The Marine turns around and goes, Mr. President. Mr. President, it's an honor. Abe Lincoln goes, that doesn't sound like John Wilkes Booth at all.

He's like, he's sneaky one. Oh, what, like he said something to you before? Roll the deception. Yeah, he just said it's an honor. No, I mean, did John Wilson say anything to Abe? He's at Sixth Semper Tyrannus after. While he says that, whoa, okay. Has he been beating our ass for the last minute? I feel like that's pretty safe to say. Okay, okay, listen to me, listen to me, listen to me, listen to me. All right, okay. Using my master of intrigue and my...

And my insightful manipulator, that minute observing his beating my ass, I feel like gives me the ability to like mimic his voice. Will you grant me such? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. If you were going to say I can fight like him now, I would have bought that more than you saying I can mimic his voice. But I'm so good at voices, Anthony. No, that doesn't make any sense. Oh, he's going to roll deception to convince Abraham Lincoln that this is John Whistler. I rolled an 11 plus seven. Wow. Okay. So an 18.

So he goes, that John Wilkes Booth always was a master. He's an actor. He was a master of disguise. He was the greatest actor who ever lived. And Hermie goes, oh, come on. So Abe goes, let me in there. Agent Schmegan goes, yes, at once, Mr. President. We're tagging him in. We're tagging him in. Tagging him in. Tagging him in. We're out. All right. Roll dexterity to see if you can get in before the door closes behind Abe. Can I lean into Mr. Schmegan? Sure. Sure.

Hey, there's nothing against the rules. Like, you could arm Mr. Lincoln, right? The president? Like, I think he needs your sidearm. I don't think he needs anything. You're about to see a real fight by the real man. Okay. All right, so what did you guys roll trying to get out of the cage? I rolled a 22. I rolled a 3. Okay. Taylor rolls out effortlessly into somehow a combination of blade and entrapment pose, and Normal manages to remain inside while... What is that like?

Yeah. It's exactly like that. Straight up. Yeah, yeah. Face down, ass up. That's the way we like to role play. Okay, so yes. Now inside the Thunderdome are David, Love Satan, Abraham Lincoln, and Normal Oat. Things just are going from bad to worse over here, I feel like. I turn around and I'm like, two minutes ago I was going to fight Taylor and now I'm going to fight this huge guy and Abraham Lincoln.

Taylor turns around expecting Norm will be right behind him. He's like, we got out of that scrape. Wait, wait, wait. Hey, Norm, what are you doing in there? Norm, pray for me. Schmagan goes, all right, it's triple threat rules. So whoever gets the first kill gets to be president of hell. Just hide, Norm. Just don't get involved in the fight. Yeah, just hide. I'll be the Ecuador of this situation. Just kind of lay low. Immediately, David loves Satan, looks at you because you're obviously the easier person to kill than Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln was like a cage fight.

He was. He rips off his chest and you see he has like not a goat tattoo, but like a tattoo that says a house divided to self-catch. President.

And it's kind of wild because it's a house divided itself. Can't stand. And it's like an arrow pointing down to his dick. I think he's got two dicks down there. Normal role initiative with me deep within Taylor. There's an impulse to be like, can I bet on this fight? I want to help Abraham Lincoln, like concentrate on fighting David, but Lincoln wouldn't know anything about the civil war. So,

I got a 12. Okay, so you get to go first. So first thing I do is I turn back to my friends. I say, guys, go find Jody. Go find Morgan. There's still a whole other hell thing going on here. I'll keep everybody distracted. I'll try to keep the attention here at the show. That's what I do. I'm a mascot. And I know how to fucking keep people's eyes on me. So I'll keep everyone distracted. You guys go liberate hell. But like, I want to see if you die or not. Yeah, I'm kind of invested in this. You got it, my man. We're out of here.

All right, then Normal's going to turn around and crack his knuckles and crack his neck like he's in Yakuza, and he's going to put the fucking teeny, the teeny outfit back on. He says, just give me one sec, boys, to suit up into my fighting outfit. Okay. And that's what I'm doing this turn. That's your whole turn. Okay, cool. David Loves Satan is going to come and deck you as hard as he possibly can. Oh, no! Oh, no. Oh, no.

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Oh, that's not so bad. Eight damage. Eight damage. Okay. Where's your health at now? So I have 94 health. Wow. And he just got double. So when I said eight, I meant 32 damage. What? You take 32 damage. Wait, why? Because he punched you really hard. He's a Marine. That's like all they do. Yeah. That is punch. Two things they do. Punching and amphibious operations. But he rolled an eight. Yeah. Yeah, but he's in charge. Fucked up, right? In hell, all damage is quad. Yeah, dude. I don't want to hold you to that. Yeah. It's a quad.

It's consistent now. Quad damage. It's like in Doom. Everybody has quad damage permanently. Fuck yeah, dude. So Dave Lincoln, he's going to deck you as hard as he can. He does 37 damage. Wait, is Honest Abe coming at me too? No, no, no. Honest Abe would never watch a man beat a child. Honest Abe is not going to let that stand. No. Honest Abe is going to try to tackle... He still thinks it's John Wilkes Booth. Yeah. He thinks it's John Wilkes Booth, so he's going to tackle him around the stomach.

He has a natural 20. Oh, yeah! So Abe Lincoln does a fucking running spear on him like Roman Reigns. He gets him down onto the fucking ground and then pins his arm behind his back and then takes out his finger guns and puts them to the back of his head. He goes, how do you like it? Oh, my God. And the rabbit punches him as hard as he can. So he's going to do... What's a red punch? The head punch to the back of the head. It's illegal. Oh, my God. That's so illegal. Yeah, it's very illegal. You could go to jail, Beth. That's how illegal it is. Okay.

17 times four. His squad, his fight's going to be over very soon. So he does 68 damage to David, loves Satan. And David goes, it's an honor. And like...

Fucking his teeth, like, just eject from his fucking mouth. But he goes, but I want to be Satan so bad, I'm still willing to do this. All right, it's normal's turn now. Okay. What a guy that loves Satan, but also really loves Abe Lincoln. Real complicated guy. Normal is going to, this is tricky, because normal doesn't want to be king of hell. Yeah, he's got to run. Abe Lincoln finishes this guy off. All right, yeah, I'm like, yeah, you going?

go, Abe! You got him! And then I'm going to cast... Sing the National Anthem? Oh, he wouldn't know that. Sing a song, a patriotic song to inspire Abe Lincoln. I know the National Anthem. Who do you think sings the National Anthem at the beginning of every... No, but I don't think... They had the National Anthem when Abe Lincoln was around. Wouldn't it be the same thing? War of 1812 is when they had it. Yeah, but it wasn't the National Anthem. It was just a shitty song. It was just like a shitty poem. It was just like a shitty poem. I'm going to cast...

It's just a shitty song. It's just a great song. Wait, what was the national anthem then? Hold on. Do you even have one? It officially became it in 1931. Wow, that took a while. Other hymns. So Hail Columbia was for most official functions. My Country Tis of Thee, which is God Save the King. There you go, My Country Tis of Thee. Whose melody is identical to God Save the King, the United Kingdom's national anthem? That's pretty rowdy. That's some fucking bullshit. That's pretty shimpy, dude. No, that's hard.

beat them or like, no, that's like you broke up with your ex, but then you're like fucking checking their Instagram all the time. It's like you broke up with their ex, but then you buy their house. Be better, America.

Normal casts Hold Person on David Loves Satan. Yeah. And then I'm also going to sing the Battle Hymn of the Republic to pump up Abe Lincoln. Okay. John Brown's body lies molded in the grave. So what is Hold Person? Is it just like a wisdom saving throw or whatever? Yes, Wisdom 16. Wisdom 16. Ew, he got a 19. I'm so sorry. John Brown's body lies molded in the grave. Please run away. His truth is marching on. You got to save him!

So as you run away from him, he gets to make an opportunity attack. A 16? Yeah, that hits my AC of 12. Okay. 18 times four. 72 damage. Oh, my God. All right. Normals and deaths. Can I plunge my hand? You said you can fit through it, but I could probably fit my hand through the cake. Yeah, for sure. I want to do lay on hands on normal. All right. Go ahead and roll initiative. See where you go in the order.

19. Oh, okay. You get to go next. Yes. All right. So you lay on hands normal. So I feel like normal does like a fucking like in Creed when he gets uppercut and then you're like, he's slow mo falls into the thing. Bell's wrong. He's looking back at his old life. Just fucking just him getting dunked on 24 seven by everybody's just like normal. No. And I reached my hands like, and when I said I want to be Taylor's cut man, I thought like the cut man was the person who cuts them.

As in, like, I didn't want to cut you because, like, you're my bro, you know? So, like, bro, here. And I'm going to do the lay on hands. I'm just going to do the whole lay on hands. What's your name?

All 10 fingies. I'm filling out that hole. I'm just using it all. I can do 65. Wait, what? As an action, you can touch a creature to restore any number of HP remaining in the pool. My pool is 65. Holy shit. Per long rest. Wow, paladins are fucking buff. Okay, yeah. So you give him 65 health points back. That's brisk, baby. That's a stable life. That's going to be like...

Oh my God. Ding, ding, I'm back, baby. Oh, you know what Link uses? Instead of smelling the salt, he uses the perfume that you gave him. The essential oils. Oh my God. That's eucalyptus, baby. That's eucalyptus and BO, baby. Norm, get out of there on your next turn. Oh, yeah, right. All right, Abe's going to take another swat at David Loves Satan. No. It was David Loves Satan. Yeah, natural one. Oh.

from Abe. No. So he somehow ironically throws a punch so hard he hits himself in the back of his own head and he goes, not again. And he falls over.

It is now Normals turn once more. Norm get out of there. What happened to Honest Abe? Is he alive? Is he dead? Don't worry about that Norm. Come on. He knocked himself prone. What class is Abraham Lincoln? Abraham Lincoln is a fighter. He's a fighter. Nice. What level is he? He's level 20. Are you kidding me? This is a derail but do you remember that movie The Fighter? I'm just thinking he had multiple actions. Do you remember the trailer for the movie The Fighter? Yeah where it made it seem like the movie was not about what it was actually about. So very specifically there's this one thing I constantly think of. It's in the movie like his hand gets broken.

And then in the trailer, they added this ADR where like a cop goes, he's a fighter. Break his hand. Holy shit. I totally forgot about that. Oh my God. Anyway, I guess it's one of these things like normal does like a little squat. And then I'm going to try to do like a, a perfect pirouette dive through the bars of this thing. And then just get wedged halfway through. Which is burning you. Ah!

Because they are made out of lava. Scary kicks him back into the cave. So normally you only take 2d8 for that. I'm going to roll initiative if that's okay. Yeah, go for it. And me too. Both of you.

I got 17. I got three. Is my dad or my uncle, are they anywhere? What's going on with the grownups just watching normal get tag-teamed by Abraham Lincoln and fucking a huge wrestler guy? Yeah, so as you look around, you see that Lark and Sparrow have been surreptitiously moving behind Agent Schmeggin and one of the Marines, and they have their hands on their guns.

It looks like they're about to try to put a gun to Schmagan's head and basically try to use him as a hostage to call this off. Unless you want to stop them from doing that. No, a normal and a daze. He sees in this blurry moment his dad and his uncle. He was like about to tap out and he's like,

I gotta keep fighting. I gotta distract the fucking smeggin'. Spoon attack and kill him. And I'm gonna get back up, and then is it my turn? Whose turn is it? Right now it is Scary's turn. I will probably have to roll for this, because my idea is to cast Wall of Fire between...

and like basically section off the... Are you describing a Jez Ball situation, Beth? To protect Norm. To protect Norm. Yeah, go ahead and give me your roll. Hold on. All right. Excuse me. I've never played Jez Ball. Okay. Okay. Neither has Gary, Beth. God damn it. Welcome to the party, pal. What do I have to

It's the first thing. Oh, jazz. That was a little joke about jazz. This is an easy one. So I think you just have to complete the first level. Okay. How do you do it? I'm not going to explain it. Okay. Cause he's a feminist. Just don't hit the balls. To create a line. The line is split into red and blue halves. Oh my God. Okay. Wait. Okay. Sorry. Okay. Okay.

Didn't know I had to... Just remember this is my life in your hands. Okay, okay. If a line hits the boundary, that half becomes a boundary. What the fuck? This is so poorly explained, in my opinion. Okay, I'm just gonna raw dog it. Continue. Classic. I start with 10 lives. This should be fine. Do arcade, do arcade. Well, okay. Each level has one more life than there are balls. Fucking what? Okay. Haha!

Okay. What do I do? I'm trying. Okay. I'm fucked. I'm doomed. Okay. It's not going well. Okay. They're separate. They're separate. Why does it keep going? Because you gotta get more. You gotta complete the level, Beth! You have to cut off more of the level. Okay. And it's vertical? There should be a way to right-click. Right-click.

Well, that fucking sucked. So after getting kicked through the cage by Scary, normal then experiences. Scary casts a spell and hurdles me into a wall of fire. Yes. So take, what is the damage for wall of fire? Oh no. At level 14, by the way, Beth, level 14, I believe you cast it. Yeah. So that's 6d8. Okay. So we're going to roll that and then multiply it by four.

We truly are. It's 22 times four. Okay. So that's 88 damage. So I'm once again, are you double? You're not dead. You're not doubled yet. If you get to whatever your health is negative, then you're dead permanently, but you're not there yet. Shit. I should have just used like 10. All right. So I'm in death saves again.

Okay. You basically just see me fly through this wall of flames and then just this like chicken tender just slides up between Abraham Lincoln and fucking David Hellsatan. Norm, I tried. It's just, I'm not, I'm not much of a gamer, you know? Ugh.

Normal flashes back through his whole life again in another slow motion knockout montage. It's just a repeat of all the same bummer moments of like his fucking dad, like not supporting him and his friends kind of all just not like he kind of gets the vibe that they don't like him that much. He's just reliving it all back to his birth again. Although he does remember, he does remember Link doing lay on hands. I can't do it again. I'm sorry. It's now Taylor's turn. Taylor's going to roll one of his mall ninja smoke bombs underneath him and cast darkness. Okay.

Darkness creates a, from the point I choose, 15-foot radius sphere. Crews with dark vision can't see it. Non-magical light can't illuminate through it. So it's basically a big old orb of darkness. We've seen this in the past. I'm throwing it into the middle of the ring and causing the ring to be blacked out so that nobody in there can see anything and no one outside can see it either. Okay. Causing, hopefully, a distraction on Schmagan. You have done that. No one can see the boy who you need to heal now.

Well, they can't see you either, dude. Okay. But he's the one he needs in death saves. He needs somebody to heal him. Yeah, there's nothing. Taylor's going to whisper underneath. Hey, man, just like keep breathing. All right. So the entire cage is dark now. And now there's normal start. Normal. Give me a death save. Okay. What do I do for that? You roll a D20 and you want to get above a 10.

That's 15. Okay, so that's one successful death save. You need three to get up. And if you get three fails, you die. Okay. It's David Love Satan's turn. He's going to try to hit Abraham Lincoln now because Abraham Lincoln is on his feet, but he's going to do so with disadvantage because it's dark. Oh, and also there should be a chance that he runs into this wall of fire, right? Oh, sure, sure, sure. I'll roll to see if he runs on the wall of fire. 15. He manages to barely evade the wall of fire, but he whiffs on Abe Lincoln. Abe Lincoln is going to counterattack against him.

Give me a cool Abe Lincoln one-liner. I cannot tell a lie. This is going to hurt. Sounds like American Dad a little bit. I can't tell a lie. He rolls a natural one. I can't? He once again punches himself in the back of the head. No, Abe! No! So he takes 14 turns. He rolled a natural one when he chose Andrew Johnson as his running mate. Am I right, everybody? No.

Am I right? A little history for you all. He takes 56 damage and he is almost dead. Oh, no. Need to do some reconstruction on that face. Wow. All right. Now it is Link's turn. What is Grant doing? Grant is about to sniper shot one of them and then all the lights went out. Yeah. The worst dark move.

Pretty much. He's got a sniper rifle and he's just like, well, and he just shrugs. He just goes, well, he just throws up his hands. Can I hold my turn and be like, Taylor, you need to turn the lights back on. Well, hold on. Look at what our dads are doing. They're about to take out Schmagan and I don't know what's taking them so fucking long. Well, yeah, be quiet about it, will you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. First you're turning out lights and then you're talking about what our dads are going to do. What are you doing, Taylor? Did you want them to do it or not?

You wanted them to get Agent Schmagan? Yeah, because I want Schmagan to be like, hey, what the hell? I want to see what's going on in there. So they're about to kill Schmagan? Lark's about to put his gun to Schmagan's head, and Sparrow looks like he's about to steal one of the guns from one of the Marines, and they're going to try to hold Schmagan hostage to get you out of there. That's what it looks like. I'm going to run over to Schmagan and put myself between the guns and Schmagan. The guns that Lark and Sparrow are holding? Yeah. What? Yeah.

And we'd be like, stop, stop. You just can't keep killing. Schmagan, look at me. Turn around. Schmagan looks at you. Yeah. So there are guns behind you. Like I just saved your life, dude. What? So Schmagan turns and goes, what the fuck? And sees that Lark has his hand on his gun and he goes, shoot that motherfucker. And points at Lark. Oh, sweet baby boy Link. Wait, I still got to do my action though. Yeah. Okay. Okay. The moment I can tell that Schmagan is not listening, I'm going to hit him on the head.

I want to stop him from talking. I'm going to fucking punch. I'm going to kick him. You want to bop him on the snoot? Okay, go for it. Boop him on the snoot? Freddie, can you imagine like an After Fight interview with a boxer where he's like...

Yeah, in the third round, he just really booped me on the snoot. Snoot time, I threw up a Philly shell. I'm in my bonked up state, man. Manny Pacquiao moving in for the mlem. Uh-oh, that's a K out. Somebody is eepy. A natural 20. 27. Wow.

So what are you trying to do? I'm like, Schmagan, look, I saved your life. And then he's the moment I see that he's narc. Link, a true narc, knows when somebody's about to narc. Like the moment he sees that Schmagan is about to, instead of listening, he's going to tell him to shoot him. I want to snap Schmagan's neck. Yeah, I want to do like the Black Widow. I want to like jump on him and attack him and bring him down and then like hold his mouth shut. Okay, cool. And I want to whisper into his ears.

Now that he has to listen to me. Okay, what do you say? I turn his head to look at the darkness. I'm like, well, you can't see what's in there, but it's a child being attacked by our greatest president and a Marine. Look what you've done. What do you even stand for at this point, Schmiggen? I didn't do that.

What are you even standing for? What's happening? All the way to hell? This is entirely your idea. We're doing hell? But look what you've done. That's right, man. Look into the darkness. Yeah, look what you're doing. What are you doing? Just let us out. Gaze upon this.

Stunning visit. If you want help so much, you can run help. And then Taylor turns off darkness in that moment. What do we see? You see Abe punching himself in the back of the head. Look at our president. Look what you're talking to our greatest president. I tie my grip a little tighter and you go. And if you don't, if you remember what I said when you interviewed me, I said, if you ever mess with my family, I would kill you and yours. And unfortunately, I guess lucky for you,

half your family's already dead, but you're still here. Oh my God. And I start tightening my grip more. Oh my God. He's going to take psychic damage from that. And that's quadrupled. So he takes 48 damage. This is...

This is the move we should have been doing all along. Not that there's no attacks. It's just everything hits four times as hard. It's way easier. Dark Souls combat. Yeah, fights just take like one round. I shouldn't tell you bloodied stuff because it's 5e, but he's bloodied. Like just you saying that has bloodied him. He's down to less than half of his health. He's just got a nosebleed from it. Yeah, blood shoots out of his fucking nose onto the hot ground of hell over skulls and shit. Now it is scary's turn. And you can also control your dads and stuff. I think Ron's just like, yeah, whoever wins, I just want everybody to have fun.

And Scary's going to cast Spider Climb on Norm. Norm, just like hide up at the top, man. Like, just like. He's in death saves. So you see spider hairs grow all over his arms and legs as he's driving on the ground. A paramedic comes in to drag Normal out, but he's stuck to the ground. No, I didn't.

No. I mean, I knew, but I just didn't think right. The only thing you notice is Norval's passed out, and when you cast Spider Climb on him, his legs just kind of curl in like a dead spider. I can't do anything right. All right, Taylor, it's your turn. Wow, I've kind of done everything I meant to do.

Okay, I got it. I got you ready for this. Do you have any healing? No, I don't. I don't. He did when he was a ranger. I'm going to cast thaumaturgy. You just do it. My voice booms up to three times as loud as normal for one minute. It's going to do nothing.

He got rid of classic Elip, and now you're just going to yell. All right, what do you yell, Taylor? I yell, I yell, normal! Get up! Normal! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up!

Like deep and you're swimming in your subconscious, you know, and you hear this voice, this angelic voice calling to you. That's an 11. Okay, so it doesn't work. It does nothing. You just, as you're drifting in and out of consciousness, you hear your name get shouted. It is now your turn, Normal. Give me another death save. Well, I'm out of ideas. Link's just like holding, he's like, yes, right. See my team, see how strong we are. He can never defeat us. I got a 14. Okay, so that's another save. And Taylor looks around and is like, I'll take credit for that one.

Normal's just sort of floating in an inky black void, and he's starting to see a dim light come back into his field of vision. Oh my gosh, guys, we should do the movements from OA. He's like, this is just like on the OA. It is David Loves Satan's turn, and he sees that our beloved President Lincoln has knocked himself out a second time, so he's going to try to pounce on him and just keep hitting him in the back of the head. So he does.

I'll have him do a whiz save to see if he does it.

If his love for wanting to be the king of hell outstrips his demands of being a marine to protect us from all threats domestic and abroad. Foreign, foreign, domestic. Yeah, foreign, foreign, domestic. Okay, so he succeeds at the wisdom saving throw, which means that he manages to triumph over his marine conditioning, and he hits Abe Lincoln in the head so hard his head explodes. Oh, no! Like a ripe watermelon. Oh, no!

This is the first death that's mattered in the whole show. Wait, no. Oh, gosh. That wasn't really good.

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God, it's like Oberyn Martell. It's bad. Agent Schmank goes, it's over. It's over. It's fine. Does Lincoln take damage for his namesake dying in front of him?

Yeah, Link, why don't you take a d6 of psychic damage? Times four. Times four. Times four. Yeah. Worst case is 24 damage. Yeah, no, I took 12. Yeah, that's not so bad. So the cage dissolves around you, and David loves Satan, covered in the blood and brains of Abraham Lincoln. I did not see this going this way. Looks at his hands and goes, yes, yes, yes, yes, me, me, new Satan, new Satan. And Shemekia goes...

I, uh, he brought honor you as the new king of Satan. Link's going to let go of Schmagan's throat and run straight to normal to check on normal. If you roll a medicine check, you'll be able to stabilize him. Ooh, can I do that? Before you see whatever fucking that traitor says.

Well, I got 15, I'm sure, plus. That stabilizes Norm. It counts as another save, so Norm is not dying anymore. He has one HP, basically. Uh... Normal comes to and sees Link. Did I win? Did I get him? Even better than that, buddy. You're a spider boy. I'm a spider boy. Hey, I gotta tell you something. I wanna tell you something before you, like, see it yourself. Okay. You've, um...

You've lost your mustache. What? Because it's singed to the fire. No! It's going to grow back. Don't worry. It's okay. Normal breaks down into Link's arms. What's Schmagan doing now? He's looking at the corpse. Schmagan's looking at the corpse of Abraham Lincoln. The man who saved the Union. He stands and he... The $10 founding father without a father.

Got a lot farther by being a lot smarter and working a lot harder, Anthony. He asks David Loves Satan to kneel, and then he takes the sword from Glenn's hands. Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's my sword. You hear the ch-ch-ch of many guns around you, pointed at you, ready to blow you away. So are you going to let go of the sword or not? Whatever. So he takes your flaming sword and he...

on either shoulder of David Lovesay and he goes, oh, oh, thank you. And he becomes the new king of hell. Can I look at Grant? Because Grant, you said, had a sniper rifle. Yes, he does. Grimed and ready to go. Grant has the possibility to do the funniest possible thing.

Who is Grant pointing at? Grant is pointing at Schmagan. What would the dads want? And there's a bunch of guns on him now, too, because they can see that he's pointing the gun at Schmagan. Oh, how do they see him? Grant's such a bad sniper. He's not up in the... He's hanging out. Oh, okay, yeah. I'll give him a stealth roll and see if he can hide. Well, see if he escaped from the original... I'm going to say that the darkness turning on and off gave him an advantage on his stealth check because everybody was so distracted by that darkness that...

He went into stealth mode and yeah, he is successfully hiding under a pillar of skulls. Hell yeah. And he's got, it's just a little sniper rifle barrel coming out of one of the guys. He's got like a skull over his head. And you can see, if you want, he can have the thing.

And you see the laser sight, the red dot on Schmagan's head. Do we want him to kill Schmagan? What do we want? Obviously, we want to save Norm. You just need to get out of here. What do we care? Yeah, so we don't really care. Normal peels himself up off the ground. His clothes are completely singed off. So he just kind of walks over, feeling pretty zorched up to Schmagan. He's like, but Schmagan...

look, look. And I point to dude who is like, that's the doodler, man. Like the sky's blue up there. Now we don't need hell. Why, why are you guys taking over hell? Megan goes, that's the doodler. Yeah. Oh, get him immediately into his wrist. He shouts, get him. And a bunch of the soldiers are going to try to leap onto dude. Army pulled a link. Oh, it's harder than it looks guys. I was thinking some pretty uncharitable things about you while I was unconscious, but it's hard to make the right choice.

Tell Grant to do it. A bunch of Marines jump on the dude. I rolled for like five of them and all but one of them managed to tackle them to the ground. I'm not at Grant. So you hear the clap of a sniper rifle and agent Schmegan's head suddenly has a third hole in it. And he crumples to the ground. Immediately the Marines panicking, not the Marines would do that necessarily. If you're a Marine and you're listening to this, I apologize.

Marines are not listening to this, I don't think. Probably not. Well, we're going to find out now. Marines panic, as they do when they hear gunfire. Here's what you do. Listen, Freddie Wong here. Don't worry, Marine. The training level's gone way down in the future. You're the best one. Yeah, it's true. You're the apex of Marines. It all went downhill after you left, you personally. You're the few, the proud, but in the future, there are many. Yeah.

Schmegan slowly fades away and he watches these Marines panic and he goes, this is what happens to the military when you have 20 years under Democrats. So the Marines start panicking and gunfire just starts going off. There's a shot and then there's another shot and it becomes a complete cacophony of gunfire. I really rolled to hit the ground.

What would that be? That'd be dexterity or acrobatics. Funny, man. I like that. Thank you. Taylor, nine plus three, 12. Four plus seven, 11. Seven plus two, nine. That was a seven. Okay, so everybody that less than a 10 is going to take... Less than? Yes, less than. Hell yeah. I got 10. Oh, Norm. Okay, so just normal is...

is going to get hit, a winged by a bullet. Well, normal has one HP. Oh my gosh. So he's going to get, he's going to take one D6 times four. Oh, it's still quad damage? You're in hell! We're still in hell! Any damage is going to get you to death six. But it's only one D6.

All right, so you only take six damage. You are back in death saves. Normal slow-mo flies through the air and sees his whole life. The exact same memories in the exact same order. Scary tries to lock eyes with Dude. Dude, it might be time to, you know, be a bad girl. Dude's pupils dilate, and upon hearing it's time to be a bad girl, Dude is going to...

Natural 20. Oh no! Why would I do this? The marines around them begin to shiver and shake, and suddenly purple tentacles jut through their bodies, violently ripping out their internal organs, slashing around them and cutting them into more pieces than a person should be in, which is, I guess, more than one. It's just a rain. It's just a slurry. It's a slurry that just fucking goes into the air and starts raining down on all of you. Dude stands up and like a hundred tentacles are just

coming out of them, whipping back and forth, just decapitating and killing and being the baddest girl possible. Okay, okay, okay, that's, yeah, that's enough, that's it, that's good, that's good, that's good. You are the best bad girl, yes. Go ahead and roll persuasion to see if you can convince them to stop the killing spree. Okay.

Okay, okay, okay. I got a 16 plus 7. Wow. Okay, cool. The dude whisperer. So dude sucks all the tentacles back in, and now all the guns are trained on dude. As Schmeggin hits the ground, out of his pocket falls one of the portal guns that you saw the CIA use when they were chasing him into the school. Link will grab it from the blood of Schmeggin, and he's looking at the open, gaping wound. Hey, Link.

I could turn the lights off to cover our escape. Hey, Taylor, you've done quite enough turning the lights off for this. Normal is trying to say, is there actually a good idea this time? It would happen. But I can't, you can't hear that because Normal can't talk. Yeah, well, Link wants to grab the portal gun and then I guess my plan is to run to Normal and I want to signal everybody to essentially, like, I want to shoot a portal like underneath Normal's body and like all of us like jump in. And I want to cover darkness that. Yeah.

Okay, cool. That's great. But wait, Taylor, if there's darkness, we might not be able to see that we're all making it to the next portal. Yeah, we don't need it to be dark. I'm just looking at my spells and there's nothing there. Why are you looking at spells? Is no trick pony a saying? Yeah.

Oh, wait, wait. Actually, Link goes, no, that's good. Just aim the darkness at the Marines. Like, not where we're running to. Cover all the Marines who could shoot at us in darkness. Wait, because some of our dads are over there, right? Yeah. Can we check to see if, like, Ron and Terry are okay? Like, they didn't get hit by the bullets? Ron and Terry hit the deck, and they're fine. Okay. As did all the rest of your dads. Grant is still hidden. Lark and Sparrow hit the deck.

And they are now pulling out their guns and they are going to start shooting at the Marines as well. Our dads can take care of themselves. We got to go. You hear Grant bellow from the Tower of Skulls. Go, go. Lark and Sparrow are going to run and grab normal and just start sprinting with him toward the portal. If you shot the portal already. Yeah. Dude, Hermie, come on. The gunfire continues as dude starts to run and bullets just start passing through them. Dude flinches from every bullet hit. So you get the feeling it's doing something, but not a whole lot.

And Hermie barely limps in after you. Scary links eyes with Terry and Ron and says, am I going to see you again? Terry nods sagely at you. And he says, go. Okay. Okay. Bye. I...

Yeah, bye. Come on, Scary. Let's go. Everybody get in. Okay. And then right before Taylor gets in, Taylor goes like, try and follow us, idiots, and cast darkness. And Nick and Glenn look at you, and Nick says, we can take care of him. Yeah, that's what I figured. Okay, bye. Bye.

He goes, that's my son. You join, you go, darkness! Darkness! Okay. Infernal darkness! All right, at his feet. Your stomachs lurch as you jump into the portal. What did you set the destination to? I assume San Dimas because that's where Henry is.

Whoops. Wherever it would, I mean, we're going to be serious, but just wherever. I don't know how this thing works. Like last location. Last known location. Okay, last known location. Star 6ix9ine, Star 6ix9ine. So you Star 6ix9ine it and you find yourself in an adult entertainment store.

He's asexual. Isn't that wild that like star 69 is not a hilarious number when we knew it, but now it is. Yeah. Yeah. We've grown. C-A-L-L-A-T-T is going to be the sex number of the future, dude. So you feel your stomach slurps as you head to the portal.

Wow, I haven't thought about the tent in a while. You fall through the portal and you all land hard on the ground. So you land inside FBI headquarters, which is a familiar place to Link. But you're on what seems to be a floor full of just office workers and stuff who regard you with curious eyes and confusion. And as you look around... Temp agency. Temp agency, sad ass. Where Mr. Schmagan's just...

Shh. You guys know the drill. Go ahead and roll persuasion or deception rather. Taylor gets an eight plus 11, 19. Oh yeah. Can we use that rule? I like that. What did you get? There you go. 16. Okay. So both of you succeed. So they, they're used to seeing some stupid shit. It's a living and they go back to typing at their computers and everything seems fine. And then you hear, Oh,

And when you turn, you see the form of Hermie the Unworthy collapsing against the wall. A sucking wound in his chest. And he's beginning to bleed out. What the fuck? I mean, Link runs to like, how, why is he hurt? He got shot in the crossfire. And he goes...

I do medical check on normal so he can be alive for this. Yeah, you're in death saves. I am in death saves. Yeah, so you got conscious. Hermes is an NPC and does not get that luxury. Oh, no! What do you want to say, Hermes? Normal help? I look out to the officer. He's like, do something. It's a living. Go get...

I'm going to look around for a stapler so I can staple up the wound. It's an office, right? Yeah, there's got to be. You find a stapler, but you see that the wound is basically over his heart. And Hermie is coughing up blood and his eyes are glazing over and he's trying to say something. And he's going to, for the final time, roll performance. And he says, normal. I like you too. And then he slumps over. Hermie?

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I just rolled sense motive and I got a natural one. So normal is going to, I don't know what normal does with that. Yeah. You'll, you'll never know if he was telling the truth or not.