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They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.
Welcome back to Awesome Lives Done Quick, the ultimate speed running challenge. I'm Billy Watson. I'm seven years old. Here with the play-by-play, some huge moves today in the kindergarten classroom. Couple of big kids broke in and pulled the fire alarm, but instead of putting them in the timeout corner, Miss Nerf League let them cut the line to play the scary game that makes you old and promised to let them go if they could make a million dollars faster than anybody else. Unfortunately, the first two kids simply could not get it done.
Cool anime teen Taylor Swift got soft locked in a time loop trying to get his mom to buy a lotto ticket and his less cool friend Link invested all the money in crypto. In a fatal miscalculation, forgot that the balls go on the left when you're making a dick with a D. Can the girl big kid Terry Scary Marlowe get the job done and hopefully free us all from this waking eldritch nightmare? Let's go now to the run in progress.
Scary blows through the early childhood checkpoints clean, but then boom! She founds a faulty airbag and takes the HB hit. But it looks like it's all part of the strat. Filing a lawsuit now and clutches the verdict with a million dollar settlement. Oh my!
But the lawyer's taking 40%. She's back down to 600K. Marlo's in danger now. She's heading deep into mid-adolescence. This could be trouble, but what's this? She's using the settlement to hire pop legend Billie Eilish to produce a song. It's make or break. Let's hope the RNG goes her way. The singles out, going up the charts. Number 10, number eight, four. Could it go all the way in time?
Scorpion Slut at the top of the charts! Scary is a millionaire at the age of 17! Wow! It's a new world record! What a run! The big kids are coming out of the scary game! Somebody get me a hall pass! Because I just made a tinkle in my overalls!
Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is the story of four teens searching for their lost dads in a world forever changed after that one time their granddads accidentally unleashed an eldritch god. My name is Freddie Wong. I play cool teen Taylor Swift.
Taylor Swift is an anime-loving prepper team codenamed Ranger and is destined for great things. Can we just talk about the fact that you say that he's a cool teen? Yeah. Is that the sort of thing that you can just sort of establish? Yeah, of course. I feel like coolness has to be earned. I mean, the soccer team thinks he's the coolest kid in the school. I guess that's true. It has been diegetically established. Just don't worry. Don't worry. There's no other way to play Taylor Swift except as cool teen.
Taylor's rad fact. Taylor's not into Disney movies, despite what his lineage may suggest. However... Wait, are you saying in the future that they're not all Disney movies? He's not into the normal Disney movies. He's only into the Disney anime remakes of all of their previous work, which happens in the future. Oh!
Oh, so we're saying that because you guys did the whole thing where like basically it's like WALL-E is an anime now in the last episode. Yeah, yeah. So now we're saying that Disney went back to the archives, the catalogs. They moved Walt Disney. So the same way they're doing all live action now. Yeah, they did all anime later. They go back and do all. They would do the anime versions of their live action versions. Yeah. Oh, God. They're like doing the anime.
Cinderella. A live action anime Lion King is like the worst thing. Yeah, but guess what though? It's fucking bangs. It's fucking rad as shit, dude. My name is Matthew Arnold and I play Lincoln Lee Wilson who according to his two dads is a cool teen. Thank you very much.
He is a schooled-at-home soccer kid who, upon joining the organization of daddies, has been granted, I guess, the skills of a paladin. A little fact about Lincoln. His favorite class at his home school before he went to high school, his favorite class was PE, which is personal entertainment. It was just the time that he could do...
Whatever he wanted because Grant had to do something else, do taxes, run errands, or do a thing. It was just like, it's PE time. Go do whatever, which usually was just Lincoln playing soccer by himself. So it turned out to be the other type of PE anyway. Yeah, pretty much PE, but yeah. All right. Yeah, that's it. Fair enough.
Hey everyone, I'm Will Campos, I play Normal Oak, a perky-chirky- PERKY CHIRKY! I can do this! I can do this! I practice this in the car! A perky-peppy-chipper-cheery-school-spirit-mascot-kid-slash-cleric-who-is-a-self-appointed-self-described-cool-teen. Will's eyes are bloodshot. If you have a dash cam, go right now and take that card before it's over, because I want to hear you practicing that while you're driving.
Rad fact about normal this week is that normal fucking lives for two things. One, the rush of cheering on the team at the big game as teeny, the team, the mascot to fucking bake sales, bro. Fucking lives for delicious food.
fundraising for a school what could be better does he like running them or like buying from them part of it every year the oak family whips up a batch of grandma oak garcia's famous vegan brownies which normal does not think tastes very good so on the way to school he ditches them and uses his saved up allowance to buy other brownies from the toaster strudel can somewhere there's a locker full of stale old vegan brownies that probably
he tastes great, but normal. So psyched out. He's like, I gotta be number one at the bake sale. He goes out and buys other brownies and still calls them vegan. Like he's rolling the dice. Sorry. Sorry. This is going to be very embarrassing, but,
What is a bake sale? Oh, a bake sale is when you fundraise for the school, buy everyone gets together and sell cookies and stuff. You make your own stuff, you sell it, and then that money goes to like, oh, we can all go on a field trip. Tell me you went to private school without telling me you went to private school. Yeah, I know, I know. So sorry, sorry. What is it when you fundraising? What is that? Fundraising? When you don't have the money for something that you want? Wait, wait, wait. Why don't they just pull from the endowment? Yeah.
Don't you have people to do that for you? Oh, usually just one of the fathers comes by and sells some of his stocks and gives the money to the school. And then we all tell daddy. Wait, so does everybody bake something? I mean, whoever wants to participate. Yeah, like people bring. Normally just the women. All the students. Hi, I'm Beth May and I'm... You okay, Beth? Hi, yeah, I'm sorry.
Matt keeps making eye contact with me and I can't have that. I keep making eye contact with Matt. And then I laugh. Okay. Hi, I'm Beth May and I play scary Marlo. Uh, God, it,
That's funny. That's stupid and funny. Okay. A goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Love it. Fun fact. Love it. Rad fact about scary is that like 10 to 12% of the population, she is left-handed. You're going with a left-handed character this season? Yeah. So she's statistically more likely to die. We know that warlocks and left-handed people have made pact
with evil spirits. Wait, Matt, you say they're statistically more likely to die? Yeah, a lot of people are more statistically have a lower life expectancy. That doesn't mean they're more likely to die. Everyone is equally likely to die. No, no. Every moment, they are slightly more. I think Beth should get it. So you're saying Beth is 10% more likely at this moment to just drop dead? I mean, not 10%, probably like .0003. I have a liability. So what we'll do is at the beginning of every episode, Beth, only your character will have to roll a D100. Fuck off.
And if you roll a zero, zero, your character will die of something. The worst. I'm not joking. Yeah. Okay. Well, where's the D100? Because you're in the middle of using something for right-handed people, like a pair of scissors. Or like, we just got to see if you like stab yourself or something. One, they have left-handed scissors. They're just super ineffectual for everybody. All right. I'm going to roll a D100. I got 13. Okay. So you're alive for now.
If she gets a hundred, she's immortal. Hell yeah. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your dad. Hey, it's Mr. We're teens. We don't like our dad. I mean, I like my guys. We're going nuts for my Mr. Cotter references there. Just pushing through it. My,
My flawless John Travolta, Mr. Cotter reference. From Welcome Back Cotter? From Welcome Back Cotter! I've seen like two episodes of it. Wait, I want a rad fact from Anthony. I just got to think about stuff from my childhood. Who's your favorite Welcome Back Cotter character? First crush. First teen crush. My first teen crush? Well, it's got to be Marcia Strassman as Julie Cotter on Welcome Back Cotter. Jesus Christ. Thank God you were looking at your monitor because if that had come off the dome, I was going to go over there and strangle you to death.
When I was in elementary school or whatever, whenever the Lost in Space movie came out, Lacey Chabert in the Lost in Space movie, she was like the little goth youngest daughter. Wait, shut the front door. Lacey Chabert is in Lost in Space. Yeah, before she was fetched, she was lost in space. Damn, okay. And before that, she was in a party of five. And now she's in every Hallmark movie, and it's amazing. Is she good for her? I was hoping something happened with her. Something good. Well, that's late.
She just disappeared. She's great and she disappeared. She was so fucking funny in Mean Girls. When the world needed her most, she vanished.
So when we last left our group of intrepid teens, you had finished your first mission for daddies. The department for the analysis... You know what it is. I actually don't. I was trying to explain it to a friend the other day. Now I have one less friend. It's the department for the acquisition, destruction, deployment, and investigation of extra normal stuff. Cool. Okay, now I get it. And as you said, finished. Not beat. I would not say beat. Well, I mean, the goal was go in there and...
Handle the fact that kids were being aged into death. Yes. And you did do that part. The implicit other objective was safely either defeat or contain or bring back the doodler acolyte who was responsible. And you sort of did the opposite of that. That's like an optional objective. Yeah. That's sort of a side quest. Normal's talking this one up as a C+, which is a good rate for normal. Well, and then the tertiary unspoken objective was don't get any other innocent people killed. Don't kill civilians. And then you got two firemen and a paramedic killed.
Hey, Scary. Can you give me a ride back to my house? Yes. Can we stop by like a Ralph's on the way? No. Okay. Well, if you can't stop by Ralph's, I guess I'll call him. I could use a ride home too, Scary, if that's okay. This seems like a lot to explain to my mom, not in person, but I do kind of want to check in on her. And this is my car. So like, if we could just drive to my house and then you find a way home. It's not really your car. It's my family's car. It's part of my car. What do you mean? Well, your dad's not dead, right?
So it's not like you've inherited it yet. This is a weird argument. It's my family's car. It's my car. Can I roll to take care of the business of dropping everybody off and getting to the next day? Yeah. Let's just say the next day you go home and go sleep. Didn't we capture a little gremlin like is supposed to go to daddy's with us? Oh, you just leave him in the trunk. No, I don't want to bring this home with me. Well, just,
No, but just leave it in the car. Well, then let's get a kennel for it at pets. Cyber pets. Yes, cyber pets.org. It's Neopets in the future. Neopets, yeah, yeah. They only sell things that can take care of NFT pets. Damn it. Cyber feed. If I remember correctly, I'm pretty sure Normal has a ton of kennels in his house, so he can just...
Because he has lots of dogs, right? I would be happy to take care of our gremlin friend. One of the core values of San Dimas High School is sharing in hospitality. Okay, so we'll drop normal off first. Then we can drop off Taylor. And then you can drive me to my house, Gary. And then maybe Dad will drive you home. I'm going to roll to do all of this. This feels like a car handling roll. If you roll low, then we have to dramatize in each of these scenes. That would truly be devastating.
I've never cared. Now, wait a second. Is it a left-handed car? In what universe? It's called Japan, Beth. It's called fucking... Oh, thank God. I got a 19. What? Oh, nothing. You were just super racist. You're the worst.
All right, so with a 19, we speed past all of these scenes. You successfully contain the Tinker Gremlin inside of a locked kennel, and everybody goes home for the night. Can I do a very brief scene with my mom? Yeah, weapons to our other parents. Yeah, because we do like that. You do want to hang out with the moms. Okay. Hold on, but I want that time limit because this can obviously go on for way too long, so each of us gets one minute. Can we roll for how many seconds of a scene we get with our mom?
Everyone roll a D100, and that's how many seconds we will spend on your scene with your stupid parents. Dude, we are fucking breaking new fucking ground. You know, remembering Gilmore Girls at the beginning where... This is why the dialogue is so fast on Gilmore Girls. At the top of every episode, Amy Sherman Palladino rolls a D100. 72. Your 72 seconds starts in 3, 2...
One, mom. Hey, mom. I'm home. Just a second. Let me finish what I'm reading. Okay, all good. Hey, hold on. I got you something. I'm almost finished. Just give me a second. All right. So I go and I take the cake that I bought from the Ralphs and I set it on the kitchen and put a little candle on it and I light it. She goes...
Okay, that's one more liberal think piece right in the drain of my brain. Oh, what the? That cake? Yeah, congratulations on your voice cake, Mom. I mean, I hate you for ruining my greatest, the greatest anime ever, but I thought I got you a cake. Congrats. I'm going to choose not to hear the second half of what you just said. That's so sweet. Thank you so much. Did you get how it went? It actually went really, really well. Shit! Nope, scene, we're ending again. That's too good. I don't care. I don't care. You...
Your 27 remaining seconds are being distributed across everyone else. All right, Matt, what did you get? I got 44. All right, so 44 plus 10, let's say. You get 10 of his 27 seconds. So 54, starting in 3, 2, 1, dad. I walk into the house and what's Marco up to? Hold on, I'm on the phone. Okay, I just stand there.
My lip is quivering. Oh, and he hangs up immediately. Wait, hey, what's going on? What's going on, hon? I'm scared. Oh, my God. He pulls you into a hug and he goes, hey, hey, hey, hey, it's okay. It's okay. You have 33 seconds to talk about it. It's okay. I have a job now and I killed three people. Oh, sorry, what? I killed three firefighters. I have their names. I need to write them letters. I've been just a kid. I don't know. This is what's who.
Who wears devil? I don't think. I'm sure you didn't. Why don't you take a deep breath, take your time, and spend the next 11 seconds telling me what's going on. I just want to play FIFA. You know what? Let's play FIFA. He hugs you and he turns on FIFA. Nice. All right. Dude, on the wire, bro. All right. Will or Beth?
I got 33? All right, so 33 plus nine, you get 42 seconds. 42 seconds. All right. Okay. Three, two, one. Mom. Hey, Mom, it's normal. I'm home. Just a second. I'm masturbating. Mom, come on. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Mommy's having her private alone time that will last. All right, what's going on? She's crazy.
She's come downstairs. Is it all right if I... She came upstairs too. She what downstairs? She comes and then she comes downstairs. Mom, is it all right if I have a new pet? A new pet? Yeah, sure. Let me see. Yeah, sure. And I show her the gremlin in the kennel. She goes, oh, what kind of dog is that? This is, what kind of dog are you? I ask the gremlin. The sexy kind. I close the door and say, he's not going to stay very long. Done. Done.
All right, Beth. I got 30 seconds. All right. Three, two, one. Mom. I'm home. I don't say that. I don't say that. Scary walks through the door. Your mom is making dinner. Scary sits down, invites her computer, and opens it, and types www.cryptolivejournaldreamwithbandwithfanfiction.net.com. You hear the sound of chopping stop, and she stops, and she goes...
Scary, are you home? Scary does not answer. New post. Today...
The next day is a Sunday. What do you want to do? I text everybody on our group chat and I say, what's up guys? That was a pretty freaky day. So I just want to check in, see how everyone was feeling. You know, now that we're all best friends and we all hang out together, I was thinking maybe we could do something today. Like we go to a movie or we go check into daddy's. I really want to get this gremlin away from my mom. He's kind of freaking me out. You get a notification that says scary has left the group chat. Yeah.
Lincoln does not answer. Link left the group chat too. Oh, dang. I guess it's just us. Yeah, man. Hey, do you like gifts? And then I send you an anime gift. I Google best anime gift and I send you the gift that I find. I send you back the eggplant coming emoji. Oh,
Oh, cool. By the way, in the future, they just combine them. Here's what it is. Do you remember in old English? There's a cum emoji in the future. Did you know that in old English, like, T-H was its own character, and then they eventually, right? It's just like that, where they're like, oh, we can just make this one character. If you need to get rid of that little guy, well, I can help you out with that. I mean, I feel like we don't need to get rid of him. Can you give me a ride, though?
Yeah, I'll bring my skateboard over and I can't ride the skateboard. I don't know how to do it, but I'm hoping that you do. So I just walk over to your house with a skateboard and the gremlin. Do you know how to ride this? And can we take this together to daddy's to get rid of this gremlin? We should figure out like what to do with it. That's all I'm saying, right? Like, what's your deal, Mr. Gremlin? Like, you know where our dads are? What's your dad? I don't care about your dad's. No. Also, let me go. Oh, we will. We will. So I pull out my phone and I call an Uber. And as we get in, I talk to normal.
So I was doing a lot of research on the forums and BBSs and Darknet forums and forums and Twitter and Reddit. Yeah, there is a lot of weird stuff going on. There's a lot more UFO sightings and everything. And maybe...
we weren't being lied to. That's exactly how I feel. And I'm going to roll. It's like when you're a kid and your friend's like, I'm into baseball. You're like, I'm into baseball. And like, you're not, but you want to convince them that they are. So they'll be your friends. I do that as an adult. Yeah. So I'm doing one of those. I'm like, yeah, totally. Like I love BBSs and dark nets. That's my favorite kind of net. What'd you roll? I rolled a six. I narrow my eyes and I know, I just fucking know. Normal knows that, you know, and normal is like,
Just keep power through. Are you still in your mascot suit? No, I don't take it. Oh, no shit. Oh my God. I forgot the mascot suit. We got to go back. Take the gremlin to daddy's. Okay. And just keep them there. Just keep them safe. I got to go. And then I grabbed my skateboard and I run out of the car. And by the way, as we're in the car, I'm sitting there and the driver's looking at me. And this is a driver saying, excuse me, sir. I've checked the box to say no conversation.
The driver closes his mouth and goes back to driving as all Uber drivers should. Don't talk to me. I'm not having a good day. If I was having a good day, I wouldn't be in an Uber. In case this matters for the next school day, I'd say all Sunday, what Lincoln did was he told Marco everything that happened. And then he wrote a confession letter and biked to the police station and told them everything that happened. And they went, okay, and took your confession letter.
And went, this is very cute. Those firefighters had an accident. They fell onto their axes. The idea that if you want to take credit for it, it's kind of creepy. Like, please don't waste our time with this again. This is the nicest cop has ever lived. But I'll take it from you. Hey, if it makes you happy, I'll take this from you. So normal, you head home and to your horror, discover your mom is washing the mascot outfit. She's giving a good strap down.
She says, oh, it's going to smell so much better, the vomit. I'm so sorry, honey. If you want me to get you some Dramamine for school or whatever. Oh, mom. I know you said I should never clean you or the outfit because of the school spirit it leaves on you. So I figured we could compromise and I would just clean the outfit and then you could say your natural self. So you're welcome. We've got a happy medium. Thanks, mom. Hey. Happy medium. That's why I should become a psychic and call myself the happy medium.
Oh, that's pretty fun. I thought so. Thank you. Hey, Mom, what am I thinking right now? How much you love me. Oh, you're right. Hey! You head to Daddy's alone then? No, we're both in the Uber with... Well, he ran out to go see you. I wasn't waiting for him. Yeah, I'm waiting for him. Oh, you're waiting for him. Okay, cool. Oh, you waited for me?
Yeah. I come back out at like 7 p.m. because I thought I told you to. Oh, no. I told you to go to daddy's with the gremlin. It's OK. I'm rich. So I think after having a sort of probing conversation with his mom to figure out that she's very insistently believes that Larkin Sparrow are still on some magic potions.
business trip and like she can't be convinced otherwise normal looks out the window and sees the uber and it's like taylor i roll down the window i'm like hey what's up oh did you go to daddy's and then the goblin pops his head up oh he's not even waiting the entire fucking time i'm sorry man mom i got a school project i gotta go okay honey have a have a good one okay have a normal one i'll knock before i come back that's a thing i can say to you that's fun yeah that's a that's that's something i love hearing
Bye. Have a normal one. Okay. So the both of you head to daddy's. Only normal and Taylor are there. Yes. Correctly. We're not in this episode. You chose to leave the group chats. I don't know what you do. This is why you respond to your friends when they say they want to hang out. I don't know.
I thought you were just going to say that it was closed. I thought there was going to be a whole lot more no-butts in this episode. What work is open on Sunday? Well, I mean, the cops are. Like, any defense organization is. Walmart is open. But our dads came back. That's true. Our dads didn't work on Sunday. Yeah, but they had, like, all right.
Okay, whatever. No, I guess it's closed. Yeah, you'd like it. It says, sorry, we're closed. And my ID badge won't open the front door? Well, yeah, it will, I guess. Well, I opened the front door with my fucking ID badge. What do you do? Alone at work. The dream.
I really don't want to have to bring him back home. He's so weird around my mom. Just hitting on her. If I bring you back home, will you not be weird? Can you just chill for a second? I don't want to go to your home. All right, this is your new home now, loser. Okay, that sounds fine to me. All right, okay, mission accomplished. I put the kennel down and I just kind of shove it
deeper into the lobby and it like slides across the floor. You want to open the kennel? No. He's dangerous. I don't want to run around. Yeah. Let's go. We'll check out on Monday. You're going to leave here until when? Anthony, this is the most teenager move you've ever seen. Do not get an RRP. That's great. I get a snack from the vending machine and shove it in there like with a little bottle of water
I'm like, okay, well, someone will be by for you in the morning, and then I'm sure they'll put you wherever they put the weird guys. But we got to go back home. Yeah, see you later. My mom says I got to be home by 830, so see ya. Do you know how long seven hours feels when you're sitting next to an anime friend? Close the door. Yeah, we just sort of like walk away. I had to hear so much about Naruto that I could not unhear. I'm going to fucking kill you if I ever get out of the way.
And then the door slams. Hey, you want to go to Sonic? Yeah, sounds great. This scene is not continuing. That's it. That's our end. That's our end. We go to Sonic. Me and Norm will go to Sonic and our friendship bond grows. Yeah, we get two points to our friendship bond. Great. When you use personas of the chariot arcana, it'll be a slightly higher level. They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft, stable.
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So the next day at school, what class are you all in together? Science?
Literature? Oh, we all have urology class together. You're all in urology class together. We did establish that the school has a robust urology. The ultimate elective of urology. Wait, what's urology? It's the study of urine. Pee-pees and pee. Penises, vaginas. Okay, that's what I thought about. I was like, wait, what? That's not a class. Mostly kidney fuck shit. That was in the last episode. I don't think that vajay falls under the urology. Urology is a part of healthcare that deals with the diseases of the male and female urinary tract.
kidneys, uterus, bladder, and urethra. Sorry, I forgot vaginas aren't a pee thing. That's on me. That's on me. I forgot that the vagina hole and the pee hole are two different holes. I've never pleased a woman in my life and I don't plan on starting now. With that, now we can finally continue. So, Anthony, I believe the urology professor was about to give us an authentic lecture on urology 101. Yes, you were talking to us about nephrons. Urology teacher walks in front of the class.
And he's the most tired looking man you've ever seen in your entire life. He looks like he is never, he doesn't even, he's not even familiar with the concept of sleep. And he goes, today I'm going to talk and I would like to talk without interruption. Slingan was late and Slingan comes running in and he's brought his urine sample. He goes, sorry, teach. Here's my homework. Roll dexterity. Roll dexterity.
Or roll acrobatics. You're not supposed to pee in pee class, you freak. I got a five. You fall into your face and you spill a pee all over your shoes. That's two teachers you're pissed on now. Teacher, I swear I did it. What is it with you? Why do you keep pissing on all the teachers? I don't get it. I didn't.
You go to detention. You hear the chant from the class as the nickname takes hold. Everyone goes, piss boy, piss boy, piss boy. Go to detention, piss boy. Wait, do I go to detention? Now I'm going to miss the class though. Yeah. Can I learn about urology? I'm going to miss having shoes that don't smell like a teen. I'll let you copy off my notes later. Don't worry, Link. I'll go to detention too.
If he goes, I am Spartacus. Oh, what? No, you go to detention. You won't learn about the prostate. Can I go to the bathroom and wash up first before I go to detention? Looks like you already went to the bathroom, champ. I did. You all did the homework, right? Wait a second. I realize I look at one of the soccer players. Yeah. You see 12, all 12 of them are in your class. Yeah.
You hear 12 people, 12 shoulders going up and down. Nice piss work, piss boy. Man, my dad helped me get all this stuff for this. Why don't you shit your pants now? Go for some extra credit. Hey, Link, just like being straight with you, like you looked a little dehydrated too. Oh, I know. Yeah, it shouldn't be so yellow. What the fuck?
dude. What are you drinking? Not water. Okay. No wonder you didn't make varsity. He just puts his head down, picks up his empty piss cup, looks around for the cap on the floor, and then grabs it. Leave the cup. No, get the cap. I'm not going to pick up the cap. What am I doing? I get the cap, but I screw it on, and I just walk out. Yeah, he just tells you to fucking go to detention. I don't give a shit. Go to detention. It's just scary if you want to go with him. Go ahead, too. I don't care. Yeah, I want to go. I don't want to be here. You'll miss out on a lot of great information about the prostate. I'm sure. We'll see you guys later. Once again, the party's going to remain split.
The other two aren't going to go in solidarity. Wake me up when you're talking about pegging. We should go check out on the Gremlin and then go to Sonics. So you guys play hooky for a day, for a full day. All right, Anthony, I'll do a fucking solid. Like, Normal's fear of missing out goes fucking haywire at seeing his two new best friends, Link and Scary, walk off without him. It's like, oh man, they're going to have so much fun. Dude, we got to get into detention with them. We can do this later. And then I just stand up and push my desk over her.
And I say, school's cool, but you don't rule. I can't. Do you want to go to detention, too? Yeah, I do. You can just go. Just go. It's fine. Just go. Okay, I leave. I turn to the captain of the soccer team who's in class. Like, you got my notes, right? What, about Nareem? No, no, no. I mean, you're going to take my notes for me? Oh, yeah, of course. Anything for you. See you later, cucks. No problem. Hey, see you, cuck. You leave, and then the teacher sees you go and goes, God damn, that kid's so cool. Oh, my God.
If there's one kid who doesn't need to know about the prostate, it's that kid. That kid has a healthy relationship to his own body. When they come out, I am at the water fountain. I'm just drowning myself in water because the dehydrated and salts really, that's what really hit me. Way to go, Link. Guys, go back to snow. No, we're a team now. And we look out for each other. And that means if one of us humiliates himself in class by pissing all over himself, then all of us...
spilled pee that has already been pissed on myself. Do you want to wear the mascot outfit? Absolutely not. That smells way worse. Do you want to hear my latest lyrics? Yeah, I'd rather do that than whatever normal was going to say. Scary whips out this journal that's all fucked up. It's not like a regular journal. It's not like a regular journal. It's all fucked up. And it folds on the top because she's left-handed and doesn't want to smudge. It's not one of those fucking...
Okay, we got it. Angel Day-Lewis method acting over here. Yeah, fucking... Okay, anyways. And so she's like, the devil on my shoulder likes angel hair pasta and I am a victim of rage.
Rage. Rage. I haven't actually worked on the rest yet, but that's just like what I have. Is that a song? Your badge is vibrating. Okay. Oh, geez. When you take your badge and look at it after it starts vibrating, you see a holographic display of Agent Mayhale's face. She goes, Hey, where are you guys? We're in school. Oh, fuck. You're teens. Shit. No, I thought you were going to come
to work every day. Well, I mean, we're like in detention, so like we could come in, I guess. No, I'm in detention. Yeah. We're all in detention. It doesn't matter to me. I just, you need to be like here. Like what if something happens and we haven't debriefed after your last mission and there's somebody left like a sentient booger in the fucking lobby. Oh yeah. Did you get him? Yeah, we left him. Yeah, I got him. I put him into the dungeon, I guess. Like I locked him up, but like let me know if that, he could have gotten out. We don't have your number. Yeah. Yeah.
And she gives you her number. She's already been added to the group chat. I send her a GIF of a minion waving hello, and it says Bello. This is May Hales has left the group chat. Yeah, are you guys coming in? Yeah, we're coming. Whoa, cash. Okay, let's do it. We can't just leave school, though. Yeah, we can. Actually, we can. Ready?
Right, what a pussy, right? Well, it's Link's first year. Yeah, I mean... Link, this is what's called... Yeah, I lived at school. ...ditching. Oh, yeah. Do you ever ditch at home? Yeah, well, yeah. Sometimes, like, the three of us will just, like, go out and, like, do something fun instead of, like, if I'm bored at math or something. Well, this is just like that, but we're like your dads. And we're also, like, saving the world and, like, looking at cool stuff that the world doesn't want you to see. Okay, well, Hale... Call me May.
Quick question. Well, not question. So I guess I'll just tell all of you because we're in this together. But like, I went to the cops and I told them everything. You what? Well, yeah, of course. That's what you do. That's what you guys fucking do. That's not what you do. What are you, a fucking narc? You don't tell the cops anything. I didn't narc on anybody. I narc to myself. I'm the one that killed them. And I told them all that. Dude, you didn't kill those guys.
Okay, but the point is they didn't understand or believe anything and neither did my dad. Did you guys try telling anybody anything? Yeah, I did kind of narc to my mom about it and the same thing happened. She kind of just thought I was playing pretend. I posted it on my public live journal. What?
Let's not forget that Taylor added four seconds of the interior of our dungeon to the social media feeds of every single human being on the planet. But thankfully, that also got ignored because who gives a shit about four blurry seconds? That's right. We're dealing with stuff that people don't want to think about. So it's like no big deal because like we're underground, you know, like these are the things that people won't wake up to. But we're already awake.
Yeah, yeah. Wide awake. In a sense, they won't listen to it, but also maybe we don't want to go courting danger by literally going to the cops and confessing to the deaths of three people. So maybe keep it a little more chill in future. Look, Link, we got to get our dads back, right? Yeah, of course. Are we going to be able to get our dads back in urology class? Probably not. So any opportunity we can take to go do daddy stuff, we should go do it. Okay, I was the one who left urology class first. You're right, man. That was so cool, Link. Thanks.
It wasn't. Upon hearing Scary say that, Normal writes down in his journal, piss equals cool question? As you walk out of the school, you walk past a poster that reads, welcome back to school dance this Friday. Does the poster say it like that? Yeah, it's got that kind of font to it. Yeah.
A little jaunty. Oh, are you guys going to go? I love dancing. Do you guys dance? Yeah. I mean, yeah. My best moves come out, though, when I'm in character. I have internalized a number of opening theme song anime dances. By the way, as I walk past the office, I have written and I folded up a note, and I left a note explaining to the principal that if I'm lost, you can contact Marco. I am ditching school with my three friends. Scary.
Scary, normal, and Taylor. And I've also read their parents' phone numbers. God. This is the friend we always need. Nobody is worried and wondering where I've gone. That's fucking funny. When you show up at Daddy's HQ, Agent Hales is there. Oh, yeah.
Oh, okay. Hey, you finally showed up. So anyway, I went and talked to Nick Jr., the big face wall. He gave me 20 bucks and then took five of the bucks back because you killed three people. That's weird. He didn't just give you 15. He gave you 20 and then took it back. No, he wanted me to understand fully that there are consequences to what you do. Yeah.
And that those human lives were worth 1.15 each. He doesn't have limbs. He has a big tongue. Wait, who? The big face wall. But you were calling it the Nick Jr. wall. Like face from Nick Jr. Yes, but it was like complicated because we've already got Nick Jr. No, it's also his face. Sorry.
In order to keep the rat Nick Jr. alive, they transformed his face into a wall. And now he lives forever and vomits money. Okay, I like that. This is world building. So I've handed Beth your 15 daddy war bucks. And so she goes, yeah, so I don't know if you wanted to head down just before you head out to your next mission or whatever that is. There's a fair amount of stuff that you can buy now. Gold keys, silver keys, healing potions. What did you do with the little booger guy? What'd you do with him? I locked him in one of the dungeon rooms.
Okay. How do we find our dads, lady? Okay, so you did ask me. You asked me to do some research on your dads. Yeah, what did you find? Okay, first thing I did was I looked up whatever they had on the Obsidian Door and Code Purple. Unfortunately, both of them were very, very heavily redacted. Obsidian Door mentioned a very powerful weapon, and
Yes, you're raising your hand, Link. I'm sorry, what does redacted mean? Redacted means they censored it for the protection of whoever wrote it in the first place, basically to cover their own butts or to protect us from the information. It might also be a memavirus. Oh. It could hurt you if you actually read the thing. A memavirus? A memavirus. A memavirus. A memvirus. A memvirus. What is that? I don't... You can't just say words. If I tell you...
a thing and that the knowledge of that does something to you, that's a meme virus. Oh, it's like the game. Oh shit, I just lost the game. I wish it were more dissimilar from the game, but that is an extremely accurate. I just lost the game again. Hale says, so as far as I can tell,
your parents were going on a quest to do something to isolate the doodler once and for all. They seemed to feel like they couldn't ever really truly defeat the doodler, but they thought maybe they could at least try to isolate it. Oh, that's what you do when you got like the best striker on a team. Like you can't think of a striker on one-on-one. So like you got to isolate them. You get like your three defenders and you do like a 4-4-2 or, you know. Sure. Yeah, that's for sure. Yeah, a 4-4-2. Yeah, definitely. That's my favorite soccer thing. Yeah.
I also saw it was just like a random note that Terry had written to himself. It was a question. I don't understand what the answer is, but what do you do when your arm itches? I don't know. You scratch it, right? I don't know. I just found that. I thought it was worth pointing out. Obviously, that's not a lot of really good information, but we actually have a pretty good source of information. There's a whale on the floor beneath. Yeah, we know. We yelled about it. Is there anything for us to do if we don't have a mission? I mean, yeah, there's buying and prepping stuff. Oh, it's just you pulled us out of school. Yeah.
Look, you weren't going to learn anything. I got really nervous. I thought it was like, oh God, like more kindergartners or something. With the exception of urology class, there's almost nothing in school that you're going to learn that's going to be of actual... You pulled us out of urology class. Oh, no. Okay, well, let me Google some stuff about the prostate while you go down and talk to the whale. At some point, we're going to have to file paperwork so she can be like a studio teacher for us when we're out of class. Sure. Let's cross the whale. Like what we can do about our dads.
A door opens into a room the size of an airplane hangar. Inside, a large blue creature floats within the saltwater tank with thousands of pumps, electrodes, air filters, and other technology attached to it. At the front of the tank is a small electronic slot with the words One Warbuck printed next to it and a sealed envelope. Okay, so yeah, let's go for the envelope. So the envelope reads, in all caps, A PERSONAL APPEAL FROM JAMES.
Hello. I'm the whale sleeping or dying or dead in the tank in front of you. You may call me James. I'm a font of wisdom. I know many, many things across many, many years. I am in many ways a living encyclopedia. However, my tank requires money to keep me alive. Though I give out information freely to any of those who seek it, I require donations to keep the tank in working condition. Please consider a generous donation to me, Jimmy Whale.
Holy shit. Man, it looks like this whale has all of his wisdom and stuff like that. And, like, I guess we have a lot of wisdom, too. It's great that, like, the whale is just here to, like, listen to us. I just don't feel like donating.
What? Well, because I get it. Underwater. Water on all sides and stuff like that. And you're just here for this thing called life. And I think the whale gets it. And I want him to know that. But I don't want to pay to learn anything. I mean, I'm not as smart as you. So, like, I don't get what you're saying. But, like, Taylor, can I just, can we spend the dollar to ask? Taylor, watch out. Link's going to try to take your dollar and give it to the whale. When the whale's probably already getting money from, like, 2% of the readers. I don't know.
Hey, Taylor, can we just put the dollar in and just ask where our dads are? No. What? Why? I don't want to spend money and give it to the way. It's not even real money where you spend it on. It's Warbucks. Tell you what, you can ask it whatever you want. Right? You got weapons plans. You got ninja stuff. I don't know. Anime. Whatever you wanted to ask it. Put a dollar in there. You can ask it. It's going to turn into debate me coward in a second. Do you want to ask a question?
He just gave you a fucking improv grand slammer. You're just going to leave it there? Yeah. Yeah, I will ask you the question. Okay, are you going to slip it in? Yeah, I'm going to go and get the dollar all nice and flat, and I'll put it in the receptacle. Where's our dads? Yeah.
Hey, wait a minute. I have an anime question that demands to be asked. You know what the boss carries? The boss. God, where's our dad? Also, I like the idea that the dog goes in and just like a little mechanical device just goes and
and just tips in a bunch of krill into the... Now I think the dollar bill just sits in the water. The dollar bill just goes into the water. It goes inside, and you see little scrubby machines start scrubbing the sides, and some krill gets dispensed, and then the dollar bill goes to the bottom. Then a cattle prod tases the... And it goes, oh my god! And you see the whale's eye open, and it goes, Where are your fathers? We don't have all day, James. Answer...
Descend and find. Man, these things are always such rip-offs. I'm sorry, that was a waste of a dollar, guys. That was my fault. No, like literally, not metaphorically. Descend.
As deep as one can go. Like, into our feelings? No, literally. I mean, maybe, yeah. So we just go down to the bottom of this and our dads are there? Cool. Why didn't Ms. Hale tell us that from the beginning? How much money do we have left? How much money did we spend on the whale? We have $14. We could get some more answers out of this guy. I guess we could clarify this. Let's do things one at a time. I put another dollar in. Descend where? Yeah, that was my good question. Thanks, man. The bottom of the dungeon.
Okay. I put another dollar in. What? Hey, stop it! Wait, who has the money? Who's holding the money? Are you gonna have to, like, make checks to take the money? I think we split it up. Yeah, did we all split our money? Okay, sure. So $15, so there's four of you. How does that go? Uh... Each of you gets three? Three, and then somebody else...
Everybody gets four and then Lincoln gets three. All right. So you have $4. You've spent two now. Do you call this like this dungeon? Like not like another dungeon, like the one that we're in here. Yes, this dungeon. So we just go to the bottom and our dads are there. Does that another dollar you need? I mean, no, it's going to be part of the same thing. But no, your dad aren't there. Literally like right there. You just said.
No, I said go there to find your dads. Yeah, it'd be like if you did something cheesy, like touch your heart or your chest and it's like your dad's there. Because like, yeah, technically maybe true if you're a baby, but like not actually true. Okay, well, yeah. I feed the whale one of my dollars. Okay. Just real quick, Mr. Whale, what do you know about urology? First thing I know is that the vagina is not related to urine.
I, being wise beyond my years, know to a certainty that the vagina is not for that. - Took that blue whale 180 years to realize that. - That's all he knows? - No, no, I know a lot of other stuff. What do you wanna know about urology? Ask me literally anything about urology. - Well, actually, could you just print all of that up and then turn it in for us? Be appreciative. - Yeah, pretty much. - Where does the pee, how does pee start? - Well, pee's in the balls.
He is not in a ball. What? Look, guys, I'm being serious. We're skipping this class. We're going to have a test on this. Let me ask this question. When you take in water, water is taken from the water that you drink or the water that you absorb from your skin or whatever. It goes to your bladder. The bladder walls contract and the sphincter relaxes.
Okay, this process is called micturation. It's excreting urine from the urinary bladder. Okay, but poo, I get poo because it's like... We're not talking about poo. We're talking about urination. You have to give me another dollar if you want to talk about poo. My question is, can you fucking chill a little bit? Like, we're just kids. We're curious about the world. All the food gets gross and smushed up and stuff's taken away. So another dollar. What's left is poo. But pee, something's added to it because I drink water and then now there's pee. So like, what from my body went into the pee? Uric acid.
Oh, okay. Where's that from? This is gonna be on a test. No, you guys are right. We should just print this up. Can you print this up for us? Yeah, if we could just, yeah, thanks. Fine. So this whale goes, and then it excretes 15 Wikipedia pages about urology. It just excretes our textbooks.
But it just like has our names on different pages. Like it's already been checked out like three times. There's graffiti on the inside. It does. It does, to be fair, have highlights in it, but it's the really bad highlight where the entire chapter is highlighted. Oh, my God. So you spent like a lot of money on a joke. I think you just spent five of your fifteen dollars. OK, let's just go to the bottom of the dungeon. Let's go to the dungeon. Let's go to the dungeon.
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Okay, so once you get to the bottom of this dungeon, it takes a while. It takes a good 30, 40 minutes to just walk down this big spiral staircase. And at the very bottom, you find a large purple door. And this purple door, kind of like the obsidian door, is locked with four very big locks. Fucking too many keys. Okay, four keys. These are special keys, though. Well, I thought the other ones were special keys. These are also special keys. Okay, you know what? They're not locks. They're not locks. What are they? There's four, like, puzzle locks. No. No.
You're in charge. This is your world. It's a big purple door and there are outlines of them that look like your bodies. There are four outlines in the door that look like your bodies. All right, let's go. Whoa. It's made for me. Is this ringing any alarm bells for Taylor who one would assume is familiar with the works of Junji Ito? Yeah, this is some Junji Ito shit. I am strangely compelled to put my body
Have you been down here before? I have. I wondered what those outlines were. And now that I'm sort of looking at you. And then weird you out. I mean, yeah, it's a little bit weird, but like, I was like, Oh, maybe that's something that they did when they were younger or whatever. But now that I'm looking at your silhouettes and those silhouettes, like, it's like, you're the same. Like those clay where like kids do like their finger, their handprints are like,
Yeah, I thought maybe like, hey, this is commemorative of this time we built this door. Wait, wait, wait, question, question, question, question. Is it like a hole like Junji Ito style? Like it's a hole that goes into the wall? No, it's a recession. So it's like a hole like if I had some wet cement and I smushed my face in it and I pulled my face. It's exactly that, yes.
I experimentally poke Taylor to back up into the recession of the wall. Yeah, as I'm talking, I back up into it. Okay, so it fits you perfectly. Just like Onigara Fault, it was made for you. Scary hops into hers, too. Okay, yours fits perfectly as well. Does anything happen when they do that? You feel a tingle around your body. Oh, it's like a massage recession. Man, nothing hit harder than the massage recession of 2010. It's what massage inflation naturally lends itself to. And then you feel...
A thump from behind you that pushes you out of the recession and out of the hole entirely. Ah, quantitative easing from the Fed. Oh, jeez. And then the door goes incomplete. Incomplete. Well, hey, I think we all have to go in at the same time. I grab Link. Oh, hey, I'm going to go in. Okay, cool. All right, ready? On three. One, two. Wait, so Normal realizes he's not going to fit in this thing in the mascot outfit. Oh, shit. Oh, boy. Okay.
Do you guys want to try it? All right. I try to just stuff my body into the hole. The door goes, normal, take off the mascot. All right. Okay, guys, turn around. Okay. And normal takes off the mascot outfit. Also, surprise, surprise. She's super hot. Ms. Hayes is actually a teacher from Chaparral. And she grabs him. She grabs him and runs. Oh, my God.
The long con, baby. She goes, shopper out Vikings forever. And she grabs it and she fucking bolts. Normal climbs out of it. He's wearing just like basketball shorts underneath and no shirt. And he's just very self-conscious and feeling very gross and exposed right now. Okay. All right, everyone, just keep your eyes closed the entire time we're doing this, but until I can get back into the outfit and then I back into the thing. Okay.
I wish we could keep our noses and mouths closed, too. Why? Because you stink, Norm. Oh, really? Yeah. I appreciate that. I mean, no. All right, guys, let's go. You all fit yourselves into these recesses, and you feel that tingle again, and the voice says, complete. Lower, lower. Jesus. I thought the exact same thing. And then it says, checking, checking.
Daddy magic. Boom. And you all get boink ejected from the recesses. What the frick? This is like in Spyro where you go to get off the world and then like Marcos, the balloon driver is like, you need more diamonds. And I'm like, fuck you, bro.
A little bit of Beth leaking out in that one, I thought. A little bit, yeah. Agent Hales goes, oh, okay, so you need more daddy magic, I guess. Okay, well, great. What was that? How did we get that? I thought that's why we're here, because we have it, and now we don't have enough of it. I open up the urology textbook. I'm like, daddy magic. Okay, yeah, how do we get more? It says here daddy magic is spermatozoa. What?
That's what creates life. And, you know, that's what people with sperms have. So maybe we got to get sperm. What do we do? You don't need to get sperm. Yeah, I highly, highly doubt that that's what you need. I think maybe by finding artifacts that belonged to your dads initially, you could like,
do some sort of ritual and get some of their magic and it might enhance you in some way. Okay. I instantly pull out the wallet that Grant gave me on my 14th birthday. I pull out the pen that has a picture of our family wrapped around in the novelty pen. I bought all the incredible stuff that I have from, from my dad. And I just start rubbing it on my face. Like, is this, does this do it? Is this like what's there? Do I have more now? Scary just starts thinking about all the stuff that Terry jr. Has given her that she threw away.
way. Oh, no. I don't think it's stuff that they necessarily would have given you. I think it might be stuff that they like specifically hid away as a sort of reserve of daddy magic or as a sort of way of keeping it all safe. Like, I didn't know all of them, but your dad's had different safe houses and dead drops and places where they put things that mattered to them. So it could just be a matter of finding those. Did my dad have those too? Oh, yeah. Wait, why is he in the
wall agent mail says actually do you want me to maybe look into your what's going on with your dad I can look into that while you're on your next mission or whatever I'll give you my 23 and me lock in it said that I had partial non-human DNA oh
Okay, that actually sounds insane, but also plausible. So yes, I will take that. Yeah, like why would they even test for it, right? Anyway, just take the login. Okay, yeah, go ahead. What's the login? It's my email. Which is? Nikomaster69 at YahooLegends.com. Stop. At YahooLegends.com. Nikomaster69 at YahooLegends.com. What's Niko? Niko. N-E-K-O, like cat.
What's your password? The entirety of the Neo Genesis Evangelion script typed out in Leetspeak. All right.
I use a password manager. Okay. That means by the end of the next mission, she'll just finish typing in that password. All right, Mae, like shoot straight with me. Like what's the fastest way to the darkness? Fastest way to, I don't know. Look, I went through a phase not dissimilar. This isn't a phase. Okay, nevermind then. Nevermind. You're right. You're right. Your badges all- Like clockwork. Vibrate and alert. And the alert, actually, it's happening at your school. It's happening at Sandy Miss High. You hear a voice say-
One, two, three, four, one.
You hear a male voice breathing heavily. Say no more. We need weapons. Okay, so if you want to go to the vending machine and spend some of your war bucks to get some stuff, I will remind you that silver keys are three. Silver keys will get you something strategic. Brass keys are two. They'll get you something weird, like the things that you've used so far. And then gold keys are five, and those will get you probably a weapon. We should probably strap up. That's what Uncle Ark is always saying, is that you've got to go in ready for anything. So, but
But we probably want something that's not going to get us in trouble if we have it at school because we get kicked out on the way in. We're not going to be able to do what we got to do. I don't want to touch. I'm going to shoot straight with you. I don't know why I keep saying shoot straight. Maybe it's like my inclination to get a weapon. But here's the thing. I think your dad always said that, right? Yeah. Yeah. Every time I met Terry Jr., he says shoot straight. I think he's rubbing off on you a little bit. He always called me a straight shooter. Yeah. Scary throws up.
Scary finds the mascot head and throws up. Oh, that's fine. Well, I don't want a weapon. So Scary's got a weapon, and then I guess... You guys take the weapon. I already got a fun thing, and I've got my school spirit to protect me. So... I put $10 in the vending machine, and I get two gold. So with the 10, you get two golden keys, and if you go downstairs, you immediately find a fair number of doors that have gold keys behind them. So the first door that you open, I'm going to roll to see what is inside.
Inside, you see a room that is entirely empty, except for who opened the door. Who wants to draw? I did. All right. Except for the item that Beth is about to draw. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Beth is pulling an orange card. What do you get? Oh, my God. Okay. Okay. Wait. What? Okay. Okay. The Kellogg...
Knife. There's like a gap between the K and the... A 1d4 blade that gets 1d4 more damaging every week slash episode. You don't masturbate. Oh my god.
It says right there, it's a wisdom saving throw every episode. So which one of us should take that? Well, I mean, I don't, so I guess I'll take it. Yeah. It might be too powerful if I take it, you know?
Listen, I'm going to take the knife and I'm like cool enough that even if it doesn't get more damaging, I will still be powerful. Don't worry. I'm uncomfortable talking about this. Agent Hale says like she's a girl and we don't have sexual desire. So she's definitely going to keep it. I'm not going to look when you use the knife. So I'm not going to know how powerful it was. Don't worry. I'm...
So we're all good to still... Just hypothetically, though, I'm just floating this. Is there like the opposite of that knife? Because I think that would be disappointing. So you have one more key. I'm going to roll for assuming you're going to use it. Okay, wow, you got lucky. So you opened another golden locked door, and again, there is nothing inside. There's the corpse of an orc that had... Died masturbating. This guy had the inverse knife.
He's an orc on a pile of tissues. He's holding a broken knife that does a D1000 damage. Don't worry, guys. I'll take care of this. I take the body and I similarly chuck it off of the edge of the... Alright, who opens the door? Who wants to pick the next weapon? I take this one too and I'll figure it out. I don't want to touch any weapons.
It says, Wand of Wonder, parentheses, Google it. This is a proper D&D item. It's a very random, it's a lot of a bag of beans. This is a- What's Google, Precious? Sorry, Bezos it. Oh, so it's a wand that has a bunch of fun effects that you roll the dice and it does those effects. Exactly. That's cool. So just to throw some at you, you can cast darkness. An object of the DM's choice disappears into the ethereal plane.
Oh no, this bird is like a cheer baton. Dude, I'm super good with these. And I grab it. Oh wait, okay. So I hand it to normal, but I'm going to roll a sleight of hand to see if I can actually give him the masturbation knife. Yeah, go for it.
And then roll opposed perception. And the moment he gets the knife. It binds to you, yeah. It says out loud the last time you masturbated. I got a 15. I got a 21. Damn it. So nice try. Almost got me. All right, here's the wand of wonder. Beth, you so had the opportunity there to just give me the masturbation. No, that would have been perfect. It was just...
Oh, what a fuck up. The badges around your necks are vibrating, telling you to go back to school, that there's something going on. There's an incursion. And you've got two new weapons, one of which only does 1D4 right now. I'm going to text my mom and say, Mom, can you bring my sword cane to school? I forgot. I need it for class. So she responds, absolutely not. For the last time, please stop asking me.
You will go to jail. I need to swing back home because I need to pick up my weapon. Oh, yeah, the van's at my house, too. That's where I last was. Ah, shit, all right. Well, we'll go to Taylor's house to pick up a sword cane, then we'll go home, we'll get the van, we'll go back to school. Okay. Can I roll stealth to steal my sword cane? Oh, yeah, that's good. Your mom's probably at work. Oh, yeah, she isn't. Well, your mom's an actor and a voice actor, which means that she either works from home or goes in for an hour and comes back. But she could be in the booth right now.
Yeah, 18 plus 3, 21 on stealth. Ooh, yeah, she's definitely in the booth. She's in the booth doing combat noises. Ha! So yeah, you successfully slink in, get the cane sword, and slink out. Hell yeah. So at school, it's lunchtime. Oh, what was for lunch today?
Don't look on Anthony's face right now. Chicken sandwiches. As we enter the school, I peer over to see if anybody took my note or if it's still there. Oh, the note about how we did school. I put it on the counter. The schools have the front counter. So I left it there. So I left it there. Did anybody take it? Yes, it has been taken. If nobody took it, I was going to take it back. I didn't know I left school. It's definitely been taken. Actually, everybody rolls stealth to see if a teacher sees you or not. 17 plus 3, 20.
17 plus 320 also. Jesus Christ. I got a two. I got a 16. Okay, well, half of you passed. More than half of you passed. So you successfully managed it. You see the grim-faced vice principal wandering around. What's the vice principal's name? The vice principal's name. This is important because he's my arch enemy. Oh, okay. Vice principal's name. You don't know his real name. You just know that everyone calls him Pepperoni Tony. Pepperoni Tony.
Pepperoni Tony. I hate that guy. That is from Lauren Gold. Thank you, Lauren. I know his name because it may not be clear, but all of Lincoln's friends are all over the age of 40 because he hangs out with his dad's friends. And I feel like the principal has come to our house many times for a dinner party. You know that his name is actually Pepperoni Tony. So at some point, if you want to send me his actual name, I know his actual name. Okay. But I won't say anything. Anthony Burch. I was literally about to type Anthony Burch into Discord. Okay.
Okay, so yeah, you see Pepperoni Tony walking around on his stealth video game pattern back and forth. And you manage to... It's his cone of vision. It's his cone of vision. You manage to evade him by waiting for him to turn around and go, huh, must have been nothing. And then you walk past him...
And you managed to make it to the cafeteria. He's actually talking about like a straight text that his wife said that didn't seem like it should have gone to his message. She says, dick dad, dick me down, big Ralphie. He goes, must be nothing. He's just pacing. He's just been pacing for hours. Could have meant anything. Could have meant anything. Bullshit.
Probably nothing. Ralph's not far away from Tony. Hey, Prince, are you okay? Come on, Tony, you got this. She loves the pepperoni. She a love of the pepperoni. She's been spending a lot of time with Salami Tommy lately. Salami Tommy. My brother. It's probably just a co-worker. It's probably just a co-worker. It's just a prank. It's probably nothing. Salami Tommy. And his girlfriend, Bell Pepper. So inside the cafeteria...
You get food. How does Scary not get caught? When you do group roles, it has to be the past. It's like a group class project. But, like, you know, she's clearly there, visible. She's got the attitude. We just didn't want to talk to Scary. As is the case with all teenagers that are desperate for attention, you are very easily ignored.
So you feel your badgers are pulling you to the cafeteria and see, everything seems normal. Everybody's eating, having, well, not a good time, but like an okay time. It's fucking cafeteria to high school. Things are fine. Some people are having a good time. Some people are having a great time. Actually, of those people, you see the popular hot kids table. So our table. My table. And Taylor struts up to it. Yeah, where all of your friends are, Taylor. Where all my friends are. Hey, what up, everybody? Chicken sandwiches. Oh, man.
They go, yeah, I know, it sucks. We were really hoping it would be Beef Stroganoff Day. Beef Stroganoff is so good to hear. And... The jokes write themselves. That's what I love about Beef Stroganoff Day. Am I right?
More like beef strogan on. I get beef strogan on turned on. So one of the pretty girls, Margarita, says, yeah, we're so happy you're back. We thought you were gone. We were going to miss out on the Boruto synopsis that you do. Your hilarious Boruto synopsis is that you start every lunch with. Who are these other losers also?
We're his new friends. These are my co-workers. Yeah. You don't even know me. As you were introducing your co-workers slash friends, Margarita. Co-workers. Colleague. Yeah, your co-workers. We're his associates. So Margarita goes, what is that? It smells like vomit. Oh, it's the mascot kid again. That is so disgusting. And she waves her. You know what's disgusting? Your name is Margarita Pizza. Whoa. You say that and she goes, uh.
And is frozen with shock at how rude you're being to somebody of a higher social standing than you are. Because she's the principal's kid. Her dad is Tony. Tony pepperoni's kid is margarita pizza. I'm just saying, stop being a bitch to my colleague. So she goes, let me tell you something. Let me tell you one thing, she says, and pulls up a single finger. If you were wondering if Anthony was doing a popular girl finger wag while doing this line, I just want you, dear listener, to know that absolutely, yes, he was. And he's good at it. And I'm good at it because I was a popular girl.
We did the morning announcements. So like maybe show some fucking respect. She pulled up a finger goes, wait one fucking second when you talk to me like that. And in an instant you hear what sounds like a horn blare really loud and really briefly like for a millisecond. And then you hear a loud pop. Skull trumpet. You guys ever see skull trumpet online? Yeah. It's like the dude from skull trumpet. You hear that dude really loud for a second. And then you hear a pop.
Pop. Yes, thank you. Is that the scary sound that happens? Yeah, that's the scary sound that happens. All right. And then a pop. And then you see that suddenly Margarita's finger is missing. She goes up and then looks at the stump on her finger. Blood starts shooting out. She starts screaming. And then I say, you were saying, bitch. Oh.
It's just a matter of time till we make it.
We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today Before tomorrow, bake, steal, and borrow We can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today Don't need your sorrow, come back tomorrow
Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlow. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Taylor Swift. Our esports announcer was Sancho West. You can follow him at Sancho West on Twitter. Theme song is On My Way by Maxson Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing and Robin Rapp.
is our transcriber. Special thanks to our patron Lauren Gold for the name of an item that we used in this episode. We do have a Patreon. You too can become one of those patrons. Find folks such as Savi Ray, Twivels, Alex Parker, Kyle Roberts, Tristan Morris, Casper Damdrop, Charles Palmer, Alejandro Yanes-Palowski, Matt Restrepo, Zach Iggy, Zach, just plain Zach,
Kit Ainsley, Ken Quick, Lorenzo S., Thomas P., Demon King, Matt, Jonathan Garcia, Robert Enriquez, and Raven. You can join that Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads where you can find tons of bonus content including an episode recap behind the scenes discussion chat show. Last season we called it Talking Dad. This season it's called Teen Talk. We do put a lot of effort into making Patreon exclusive content so please check it out. It is at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Find something to fill the time between our episodes.
Our store, by the way, just got a restock. We have new Fetch Quest stickers. We have a new It's Gonna Be Alright pin. And crucially, we have a restock on the Deck of Daddy Things. This is the perfect gift for the DM in your life or for yourself if you're a DM, if you're looking to inject some chaos into your campaigns. Basically, it's a physicalized 5E deck of many things with an additional 22 dad-themed items we designed. So, you know, some of the things that can happen, your characters might draw the Birkenstocks card, which
put socks and sandals on their feet, giving them permanent minus two to all charisma checks. Unless of course you're talking with another dad, in which case that's not a plus one to charisma because game recognized game. My personal favorite card is the skipper card, which gives your party a boat, but also bankrupts your party because you know, like boats are expensive. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our store is store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our Twitter, dungeonsanddads. Our subreddit, dungeonsanddaddies. Next episode's coming out March 8th. We will see you then. No, not today.
You know what? They're not locked. What are they? What are they? Domination locks? This is some real Borderlands stuff. I'm starting to think some of those gamers had a point. Too many keys. Too many memes.
