S2 Ep. 27 - Ei8ht
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Did I hear you're shopping for a car? Because I've been at it for ages. Such a time suck, right? Not really. I bought it on Carvana. Super convenient. Oh, then comes all the financing, research. Am I right? Well, you can, but I got pre-qualified for a Carvana auto loan in like two minutes. Yeah, but then all the number crunching and terms, right?

Nope. I saw real numbers as I shopped, found my dream car, and got it in a couple of days. Wait, like you already have it? Yep. Oh. Go to Carvana.com to finance your car the convenient way.

Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Anime Hem. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kinds of stuff.

Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. All the sharks are out, but Glenn Close and his business partner refuse to leave the studio after pitching an elevator that goes faster the faster you press the button.

- Can I explain it one more time? - What's your premise this time? - It's an elevator that goes faster when you press-- - It's all nonsense across the board. - Hey, Mark, you're nonsense, man. This is gold, better than gold, better than the golden elevator. It's a fast elevator. - You're such a con artist. - Oh yeah, so is the dude telling people the Mavs had a chance of winning this year? Oh yeah, that's right, music, you bitch.

Let me just talk to the ladies. Laurel, Barbie, you two look like you want to jump back on the Glenn train. I find your presentation is exhausting and complicated. What? What is complicated about it? It's an elevator that goes faster the more you press the button. I couldn't imagine having the energy to deal with that. This doesn't sound very positive, Barbara. I'm out.

- Glory, excuse my fellow elevator man here. He is simply excited about this world changing opportunity. Is there any way we could convince you that the passion we have for this elevator that goes faster the faster you push the button is directly correlated to the quality of said elevator? - How did you come up with this idea? - It's about time one of you assholes took interest. So I was pressing the elevator button really fast

but nothing was happening. And I thought, let's make millions of dollars. And now you have an opportunity to make those millions with us. I'd say things are either heroes or zeros. For me, this is a nowhere Nero. I'm out. Whatever, man, we don't need you. But we do need her. You're a combination of spontaneous combustion and ADD mixed together. Thank you, I appreciate that. I'm not kidding. It's very difficult to listen to you. Does that mean you're back in? I believe this technology works because I've seen it work.

Your valuation is crazy. First of all, you can... Hey, shut the fuck up! Waterbolt's back in, motherfucker! You want to get a deal? Explain to me why you're worth $14 million. Well, Mr. Wonderful, the truth is I'm not. I'm worth $14 billion, motherfucker. Whatever, we don't need any of you, Ron. Come on, let's go! You're a...

- Oh, I'm an ? - Oh, Ron. - I'm gonna be a little bit of an idiot. you guys, we're out of here. Come on, Ron, let's go. - Gentlemen, is there any chance you would make a deal without Glenn? - Wait, what?

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. A Dungeons and Dragons podcast, there I said it. It's a podcast where we play Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, pretty ballsy to do once D&D walked everything back. This episode's gonna come out in like two weeks, and it's already been a month or whatever. It's already too late. The news has already moved on. What fresh controversies can there be to fill our days? Who knows? We're about to group up.

Create one. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift. You do? Not anymore. I played Taylor Swift. R.I.P. The former cool guy rogue of the podcast. I just said his head got cut off. That's true. You have like... Didn't that weirdo do that science experiment where he went up to like during the French Revolution?

like, hey. Sir, anything to say? Well, he was like telling people to blink. Are you mad at me? Are you mad at me? Please don't be mad at me. I play Taylor Swift, the cool, icy cool ranger teen. The icy cold dead ranger teen. Six feet under and...

We're loving it. Taylor's teen fact this week. This is not how Taylor imagined he would have died. Okay. How did Taylor imagine he would die? Not like this. Oh, really? I felt like this is exactly how Taylor would like to imagine he would die, which is like some enemy cutting his head off from behind. No, because only if it was like at the end of a thing and then like the door opened and he just closed his eyes and knew who it was. It was like make it quick or whatever. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I knew you'd betray me like this, but I shall, you know, whatever. Taylor's head, he dies in a freeze frame similar to how like... Sort of Doom ends? No, no, not sort of Doom. Like all the episodes of JoJo's ends. But instead of the to be continued, it just says, it's over. And then yes, fucking roundabout by yes, fucking plays hella hard. You know, that bass line.

Holy shit, Anthony. I've seen JoJo. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the productive paladin of the group. Not so good. And the school at home soccer kid who's the productive paladin of the group. Really quick fact about Lincoln is his favorite animal is the caterpillar. There's caterpillars in his backyard. It's kind of the only animals they've got. And he likes them. And he always tells them, like, you're good as you are. You don't have to become a butterfly. Is it just because they have a lot of little feet?

Well, they're fuzzy. Yeah. Is that it? I was going to say, is it the roly-poly because it turns into a little soccer ball? No, I think he does like those. But they're fuzzy. They're content. They eat leaves. They don't hurt anybody. And then they don't leave him, whereas the butterflies fly away. Wow. Oh, you also forgot, Matt. Link is the pubescent teen of the group. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, that's part of it. Puberty is more than just the voice drop. It's part of it. Other things drop. Other things drop. Well, he's not 50 yet. Wait, what?

What are you talking about? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hard stop, hard stop. Go ahead, shift this podcast in reverse and back up a few feet really quick. We just passed the sign. I'm 36. I'm no longer concerned about when my balls drop the first time. I'm concerned about how they're going to continue to drop as I get older.

I was just imagining a world where you, this age, still have your balls inside your torso. And just kept waiting. Link does because they're extra protection in a soccer match. He doesn't want them out there. Yeah, he's like Pimey. He can do it on command. Matt, you could probably get a little protective sling to save that. Every day, Link goes on Google and Googles how to keep your balls inside your body. Undrop balls, question mark? Do they have to drop question mark? Wow.

I'm Will Campos. I play normally Leo Swallows Garcia, the mixed-up mascot kid who doesn't know who he is anymore. Teen fact about normal this week. The normal celebrates every instrument in the marching band except the bass clarinet. Ooh.

Because that's not a clarinet. That's a clarinet just trying to be a fucked up saxophone. Get back. Come on. Come on, bass clarinet. Be a clarinet. Stop trying to be a saxophone. Get out of there. What would he like? Would he like no bass clarinet? What he would like is the bassoon. He thinks the bassoon is one of the most dignified instruments in the orchestra, but they don't let the bassoon in the marching band. Why not? Because it's too dangerous. Probably really hard to play walking around. It's kind of a little fiddly, expensive. It's too dangerous. When you start playing, you just get the killing vibe. Yeah, I guess. Hi, I'm Beth May, and I play Scary Maroon.

Boo! She's fine. The goth punk betrayer teen. Seeker of darkness, not like the other. Yeah, like joiner of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Fun fact about scary...

This week. Is. That. How long has it been since Tony died? In a day or two. A couple days. Yeah. The last 48 hours have been the best of her life. Oh my God. Since before Terry Jr. joined her family. Oh no. Jack. Nobody. Nobody.

questioning her decisions, telling her what to do, arguing arbitrarily with her, nobody bringing feelings into it unless they're like really dark, really metal, cool, dark, dark feelings. Even better than the parent you need is the parent that you want. Now I get that. I get that. She's not like at the I've eaten too much ice cream yet. She's just at the I'm eating ice cream now. Yeah, it's a good time.

Me reaping in the me reaping. She's currently in the fuck around phase. Yes, the X axis of that before. Wait. You're not in the find out phase. Yeah, I'm not in the find out. But you know, like on the graph. Finding out would be Y. Is the Y. So it's a pretty straight line on the bottom of the graph.

You often do find out why. Okay. Nice. That's fun. All right. What a delight. Man, I'm on fire this episode. That's a great joke. Great bass clarinet joke to get things off with. A lot of sensible chuckles from Will jokes. Will, I think you'd be a good high school teacher with your jokes. Just tell me you want me off the podcast. Will, I think you'd be a great missionary. I think you'd be good anywhere other than here, honestly. You're considered travel. I'm Anthony. I'm your dad. Hey, dad.

My dad fact this week is that if you subscribe to our Patreon a certain tier, then every quarter or something like that, you get to do something we call the Vizier chat where you just you ask questions about the campaign and where it's been going, what I've been thinking, what's coming next, all that kind of stuff. And I'll answer questions like, was the doodler always going to be a sympathetic like teen character? Or like, hey, when did you know that Peyton was going to be Daryl's dad? Or and this one word for word was asked me the last one. It seems like you're really addicted to validation, but you can't accept praise. Why is that? Why?

Whoa! So yeah, if you ask insightful questions, it's part of the Patreon. Sounds like you should be paying these people for these questions. That's some heavy hitters. It was a good one. So to catch up where we last left off, you had grabbed the amplifier from Daddy's HQ. Your dad's tried to stop you from getting involved in any of this at all. You decided to rebel. Yeah, a little late for that. They literally gave us the job. Well, I mean, now they're taking it back. Yeah. I mean, this is rebellion, isn't it?

you beached the super intelligent whale Jimmy Wales who blocked the staircase which does not need water to breathe which we found out so we didn't kill it and Sparrow can summon a wall of water so it's fine probably it might not be dead no also we don't know if Lark and Sparrow are okay they got knocked unconscious yeah but

they got like knocked game unconscious, not real life. Yeah. They're not drowning because they can't. And then, uh, as you were leaving daddy's HQ, trying to figure out what to do next, using the power of looking casual, both Willie and scary managed to sneak up on you. Willie put his arm around Taylor's neck and then, uh, removed his head from his neck. Taylor, what do you do? I probably.

That's good DMing, folks. It's just giving your players options. So you find, Taylor, that as your head is cut from your neck... Yeah, I still have control of my eyes and my brain and stuff. Yes, and a couple of things happen in very quick succession. Number one, you realize you have full control of your eyes and mouth and nose and ears. Two, it didn't hurt at all. Everybody else notices there is no blood. It was just like a perfect...

And three, a portal from hell opens and your biological father, Nick Foster, comes out with fire and rage in his eyes that only increase in intensity and heat as he sees your headless body just sort of standing there. It doesn't even follow. Okay, let me ask you this. As I'm coming off with the imparted torque of...

The surprise of someone behind me, of my head getting cut off. I would probably be trying to look over my shoulder as my head was getting cut off, which means that I've been part of a sort of rotational movement. Can I try and bite the hand that cut my head off? Yeah. Yeah. Give me a sleight of hand, and we'll assume it's sleight of mouth. Sleight of head. Sleight of head. Sounds. No one. No one. Hold. Hold. That's what I'm saying when I'm getting... Wait a minute.

Six plus one, seven. So you just chomp at fucking open air. You bite your tongue. On top of everything. Can I talk? I'm probably screaming as I'm going down. Like, whoa, what the hell? Norm's definitely screaming. He's like, ah! So now my head is now impacted. I want to call out Matt's half-hearted. I don't know how this new link would scream yet.

yet. I have to get into it. You just have the energy of Daria gesturing at the volleyball in the opening. So when my head hits the ground, I'm gonna go, and then do I hear myself speak when I hit the ground? Yes. Your vocal cords somehow still work. What the? Oh, oh, oh,

I'm going to swing at Willy. Yeah, me too. I'm going to fucking go. This is go time. Okay, both of you swing. I'm going to cast Guiding Bolt. Wait, what level are we now? Sorry, that reminds me. I told you via Discord, but I should remind you on air. You level up after Tonya Pepperoni died because one of the anchors getting destroyed. I think we're level seven now. I'm about to be level 12.

Holy shit. I was building a boss the whole time. Holy shit, you're right. No, I'm not. I'm level 11. I cast Guiding Bolt at the fourth level on Willy. Okay. That is a 14. Okay. You shoot it at him, and he is going to take the knife that he used to cut Taylor's head off, and he's going to bang and knock it back like you're Ganon and he's Link. Damn. And it goes over your shoulder the other way and barely misses you. Also, if anybody would like to roll either Perception or Arcana. I will roll Perception as a mid-scissor kick.

Trying to get my cleats right to his head. Okay. I'm doing Divine Smite on my shoes. Oh, my hit DC is 22. Okay, so yeah, your cleat hits him right in the fucking face and makes a bunch of little pockmarks in his otherwise ruggedly handsome visage, and blood starts to come out of one of his eyes. What spell slot did you use? I have a second level spell slot. That's all you have? Yeah, first level and second level. Okay, so then you're recasting with your second level, which means that you rolled an additional d8 because that's one level above first level. First level. Oh, there we go. Okay, cool.

That's 14 damage. Okay. That's a pretty good kick. Yeah, so his head snaps back with the force of the kick. And I roll perception because when you're in the middle of a scissor kick, you're always... Time slows down. Time slows down. You got adrenaline rushing through your veins. 13. You can tell with your 13, which is okay but not great, that the knife that he used to cut Taylor's head off is magical and he stole it from Daddy's HQ. It's got a little item tag on it.

Property of. Property of. It's our little QR code for the checkout system. So as mentioned earlier, a portal to hell, a circle of fire and flames that seems to rip through the dimensions, sears into existence behind you. Nick Foster, the one-armed, cool-looking rock and roll, like kind of a cop, but not really kind of a rocker, but not really, biological father of Taylor Swift comes out, sees his son's headless... Avenge me!

So I'm going to have him roll to try and figure out what's going on when you said that. That's true, because normally you don't expect the person with their head cut off to tell you to, like, avenge them. Can I pick up his head? You've done enough right now. Just don't kick it. I'm not going to kick it. I'm going to talk to it. You should have to roll to resist the urge to kick it. I'm a terrible object. Yeah, roll a wisdom saving throw.

Especially because there's a giant flaming goal behind you. You're telling me a giant opening just opened up and there's a ball? I'm only going to accept this because I'm in the middle of a scissor kick and because there's a goal in front of me. I feel like my instincts, my killer striker instincts, I got seven wisdom checks. Yeah, so you definitely, you land that bicycle kick and then you perfectly hit and roll and then the second you get back up, bam, you kick Taylor's head directly into hell. Whoa! Link, what are you doing?

Wait, Taylor, I'm coming for you. And I just signed it right after the head. I'm sorry.

Taylor says, avenge me. And then his head just sails past Nick into the portal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what Nick hears is, avenge me. Also, whenever you kick a goal, you always got to follow through in case there's a deflection. So Link is definitely already running after the ball he kicked. Great, that's fine. No, we'll say you make it. You leap through the portal into hell. So Nick unsheathes his flaming sword and runs screaming at Willie, the weapon held high in his hand. Willie is going to bum rush Nick and tackle him to the ground. And then he looks to you, Scary, and he says, go.

go break that anchor. I'll take care of him. I'll handle this. Are you sure? Yeah, I mean, it's me. And as he says that, the sword cuts into his face against the exact same part of his face where the spikes from Lincoln's cleats hit. It cuts his face fucking wide open. And he goes like,

It'll be fine. It'll be fine. And then he turns and he raises his sword and he cuts Nick's remaining arm off. What? All right. Blue Skidoo, we should too. Yeah. Scary hops into hell. So it's normal. And Taylor's body are currently on the other side with Nick and Lily. You hear like, get the body.

What's happening with my body? Is it just standing there? It's just standing there. You can't control it. It's just standing there. Frozen in the position right before my head got cut off? Or is it just kind of like in a T-pose? It is in the position you were in before your head got cut off. It's T-pose. All right, it's T-pose. It's rigid. It is rigid and T-posed. Went back to its animation default. I'm looking to see if I have a grow arms back spell, but I don't think I do. If you want to roll perception, also, I will give you that opportunity since you're the only one here to see this.

Okay. I got a 15. Okay. So with a 15, slightly better, but not amazing. You can tell that there's no blood spurting from the wounds. The cut seems to be entirely clean. And just like with Taylor, you didn't hear Nick cry out in pain at all. At least it didn't hurt. Yeah. You get the feeling it's got something to do with the knife and not something to do with Willie. Okay. And not have something to do with how cool and like pain tolerant Taylor is. No, it's not. You're not special. If there's one thing I want you to take from this is that you're not special. No.

I don't know. I'm going to look at Nick and I'll be like, uh, Mr. Taylor's dad, do you need help? He ignores you entirely. He's too busy headbutting Willie and like trying to bite into his fucking carotid artery with his teeth. Okay. Uh, it seems like you got it. You guys do it all. All right, good. Go team. And I cast bless. Oh,

Ah, Nick. And he goes, I'm from hell! Ow! Ow! Oh, I'm so sorry! Ah, fuck! Ah! I just, I freak out and dive into the portal. Okay, leaving Taylor's body behind. Great. Oh, no, I grabbed Taylor's body. No, no, no, no, no. You said what you said. You panicked. I panicked. You panicked. I'm just a hand? Yeah.

Anthony saw that I was too OP and so he decided to try and nerf me. Are we in hell now? Yeah, you're all going through the portal to hell. I roll to grab Taylor's head. I roll to grab Taylor's head. Ooh, okay, opposed soccer. And I go in first. Opposed sleight of hand. Opposed soccer. I literally said it before you. It doesn't matter. You're doing an opposed roll simultaneously. I fall on the kick though.

I got a six. Ten. Just as scary as reaching out to grab Taylor right by his greasy hair. Greasy? He has a hat on. He has a pork pie hat on. It's greasy. You reach out to grab him by his pork pie hat. Link, you manage to grab him by the jaw, his open mouth, and you hook your fingers into his... I got him like a bowling ball. Thumb and mouth, two fingers up the nose. Oh no.

Great. I was thinking you could do the rainbow. No, that's how I got you. I got you like bowling ball, Freddie. I thought you were a soccer player. I mean, but, you know, he bowls too. He bowls too? Everybody in high school goes bowling. It's a good night out with your dad. At least once. He's bowling.

He plays soccer so he can't do anything else. It's just the only thing he ever talks about. Yeah. Are we surrounded by like flames? So right now you're all going through a tunnel that is basically just a big old tube encased in flames that are swirling around you infinitely. Like Alice in Wonderland style? Yeah, pretty much. You're going through an Alice in Wonderland. If this is a PS2 game, this is where they load the next level while they still play an animation. I throw the pork pie hot into the flames. What the fuck?!

Trust me, buddy. That's the best thing I've ever done for you as a friend. What the hell? What the fuck, Scary? What the hell, Scary? I tried to bite Scary. I tried to point at him. My finger in your mouth. What the hell? Look. Look at his head. What did you do? You're the worst. You have nothing to say? I take my fingers out of my mouth and I hold the head like at your head so that you two are face to face. Link, throw me at her. No, I don't know what she's going to do. Throw me at her as hard as you can. Tell her how you feel. Just tell her she sucks. Hey, Scary. What the fuck?

Guys, he heard normal ahead of him. He was like, I think we can talk about this in a second, but first we should probably watch out because we're about to hit the ground.

You get to do one more thing. As you begin to hear the crackling of hellfire turn into the telltale sound of chestnuts roasting on an open fire and jingle bells surrounding you. And as the fire around you begins to turn from a fire into sort of a blue, cold flame that then begins to make you a little bit chilly, you have one more thing you can do before the portal ends and you've landed. Okay, what I want to do...

I want to take my knee-high soccer socks that I'm wearing and just strap Taylor's head to my shoulder.

So I need to hold on to him, but I want to keep my hands free. So what part of Taylor is getting tight? You got to put him in your belly like Krang for more circles. Is it like around his eyes or his nose? It's like two socks. Literally think about it this way, Anthony. It's like two baby straps. It's like shoulder around the head and then around the other armpit around the head. That would be above you. So my head would be sitting on top of you. Yeah, it's on my shoulder. You're like a parrot. I was going to say you should just put his head in the sock and then poke a couple of eye holes out of it. You can just carry him around.

No, I need my hands free for combat. I need my hands free for combat. That's why you swing them around. Yeah, I was gonna say, I have news for you, which is you have a brand new melee weapon. Oh, shit. It's pretty cool. That can still happen. But yeah, he's strapped to my shoulder. That's fun. So, very suddenly, the portal around you dissipates and you hit the ground hard. The ground is snowy and actually very soft landing for all of you. Ow! Ow!

She's back. As you look around, you can see that there is a decently long line in front of you leading to a couple of flaming gates. The flaming gates seem to have no effect on the snow surrounding them. And standing next to the gates is someone in a red outfit with a big white beard. But I assume you're going to want to yell at each other first, so go ahead and do that now. A good DM knows his party. So, do you guys have anything to say? Do we have anything to say?

young lady? You got someone killed. And me. Look at his head. What the frick, Scary? How would you feel if someone cut off your own head? Pretty freaking cheesed off, I bet. You lied to us. This is fucked. You're fucked. You suck. You're the worst person. A tiger does not lose sleep to the opinions of sheep. Oh my god. This shit again. Look, Scary, as someone who, you know, I just want to say, I just want to say, I just want to say, as someone who really tried

To get to know you and to reach out a hand and to be there for you. I just got, I got to say, I'm really upset that you killed our principal and that you lied to us time and time and time and time and time and time again. You know, maybe there's something horrible going on. So I just, all I want to say is, are you okay? Am I okay? Hmm.

I cast Mass Suggestion. Okay, what does that do? That is a spell. I suggest a course of activity limited to a sentence or two and magically influence up to 12 creatures of my choice that I can see within range that can hear and understand me. Creatures that can't be charmed are immune to this effect. The suggestion must be worded in a manner to make the course of action sound reasonable. Okay. Each target must make a wisdom saving throw. On a failed save, it pursues the course of action you described to the best of its ability. Wow.

The suggested course of action can continue for the entire duration, 24 hours. Oh, as scary. No. No. Oh, excuse me while I play fucking Dungeons and Dragons. I know, you have a reaction? I step forward and I lean my shoulder so that Taylor's closer to scary. And I say, let me bite her. I don't think so, scary. Whatever you're going to tell us.

Look, I'm devoted to my friends and you were one of them. I'm so devoted that I even have aura of devotion, which means me and any friendly creatures within 10 feet cannot be charmed. God damn it. So if you want to do something, why don't you just tell the truth for once? Because we were always there for you. Even the many times you lied to us, we still just kept doing stuff for you. Stupidly, I might add. And you killed, so yeah, enough of your bullshit. Like if you want to do something, just tell us. Don't play stupid games. You and your friendly characters cannot be charmed while you are conscious. What? What?

Yeah, that's right, Beth! Level seven, baby. It's literally just a level seven. If we had done this an episode earlier, you would have been able to do it. I mean, I didn't have math suggestion until literally right now. Yeah, that is. Damn. Gygax fucking coming through clutch. Yeah. Instead of doing a trick, why don't you just ask us what you want us to do and we can decide if it's something worth doing. Yeah, use your human words, you jackass. I'm sorry that you don't trust me anymore.

I want to apologize if you think that you can get the anchor without my help. Because I'm far more powerful than you guys are. And I have some very powerful friends. And so if you think that you guys can just do a little quickie repeat of what happened that I watched.

while you were skating around on stairs and killing whales, that's fine. I'm just saying if you actually want to get this anchor and actually make some progress with the doodler, you're going to need me. I don't think we need her. I mean, sure, you were with us. It's not like we kicked you out of the group, Gary. You kicked me out of the group when you kicked me out of your home.

You killed the guy! You killed the guy, Scary! You killed Tony Pepperoni! Scary, I know you're not great at math. I'm sorry. You watched anime with that man. Why don't you call the cops? Go back to math. Your order of operations is dumb right now. You're going backwards on things that happen. Pimp desk, motherfucker! You guys are going backwards. I'm going forwards. You're going backwards. You're saying that we did one thing before we did the other thing. You're backwards. I'm backwards? Look at his head. He's gone. You hear a voice go, ho, ho, ho, what's all this?

What's going on at the back of the line? What's the rumpus? Who are you? I'm Satan Peter. I'm here to see who gets into hell and who has to go to heaven. Oh, oh, oh. This podcast is brought to you by eHarmony, the dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. Why doesn't eHarmony allow copy and paste in first messages? Because you are unique and your conversations should reflect that.

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Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo! Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? I love you, Dad!

You are doing a good job. I know it's hard to be a parent, but you're hanging in there. Thanks so much for this wonderful KiwiCo. Your kid's got a deep voice. With KiwiCo, there's always something new for kids to discover, like engineering robots or learning about the science of ice cream. It's cold. It's just cold. That's all it is. What was the project you've been doing, Matt? There's other stuff, too. Yeah, there's more about it. Yeah, what have you been doing? It's got to freeze fat in there. That's why you can't just use olive oil all willy-nilly. What have you been doing, Matt? What have I been doing? With your kid, not, you know, with KiwiCo.

We did the hydraulics thing, so I kept the mechanic vibe going. We got this little... You golf, Freddy. You know how they pick up golf balls on the ground? You know, at the driving range? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we built this little... It's not a sweeper, but it's kind of like a little chompy. It's shaped like a little whale, not like a golf cart. Not like an armored killdozer golf cart. No, no, no. But it was fun to build, and you could decorate afterwards, so my daughter had a good time. But it teaches something about mechanics and how gears work and stuff, and it's just fun to run around and pick up stuff off the floor.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O dot com promo code daddies. What are you arguing about? Hey, mind your own business, man. Get out of here. Yeah, piss off. Roll intimidation or persuasion. Natural 20. Okay. He just goes back to the fucking, right back to the gate and just waits there patiently for you to finish this scene. Not my biz.

Is everyone as nosy as these jackass adults down here? Hey, we don't need to argue about who's backwards or whatever, but like, you know what? I don't even care. I don't even care about, I mean, I do care about Tony, but like, what did you do to Taylor here? Because he's not dead. Yeah, what's going on, Scarier? So what happened? What did you do? I should have died a samurai's death, and yet here I am, strapped to this guy. You are very tall, Link. Yeah.

Is this what it looks like to be six foot four? It's pretty nice up here, isn't it? It's crazy how much better everything is from up here. You never realized it because I spent most of my time in sort of the mid fives. I was about half a degree hotter up here. Feels nice. So this is what the weather's like up here. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I was just thinking about something that Willie told me. All right.

Hey, old man, come back. Old man, come back. Oh, now I'm welcome in this conversation? Well, now we're done with our conversation, so now you can talk. Oh, thank you, sir. Oh, we're done? We're done now because you decide that we're done? You just said we're done, Scary. Go away, old man. Okay. I'll be over here when you need me. All right.

Why am I still talking? I never thought I'd have to do this with my own friends, but there's an ancient technique passed down from oak to oak to oak that is used in situations like this. And maybe it can help us all through and we can come up with what we're going to do. Because as far as I can see, we're stuck in frozen hell until we can figure out what the heck we're doing. Clearly there's a lot of energy here that we need to resolve. You know what ancient technique I wish you would use, Norm? What?

You know, like water and soap. Water and soap, buddy. That's what ancient technology. Okay. Now we're having a dialogue. And one of the things that I've learned from my family that I've used many times as a teen counselor is this. And I break off an icicle. And I say, this is...

is the feeling stick. This is hell. And I start jumping. I just try to jump as high as I can. Do I go back to the portal? I throw the feeling stick at you. Pay attention to me. I'm trying to help us all get through this, okay? You're mad at Scary. I'm mad at Scary. Scary's...

Dumb and bad and she's a murderer. And a murderer. But we're all in this situation, right? So let's just, let's figure out what we're doing. Scary has all this knowledge about stuff that's going on that we don't know anything about. So here's what I'm saying. Forget the feeling stick. And I start digging a hole in the ground. And I say, why don't we just, we all put our feelings for the moment in this hole, okay? So...

We can just... Like that hole could fit all my feelings? Oh, my God! Hey, why don't you put that hole somewhere else? Yo, it's scary. Why don't you shove your head up your butt? You're so mean. You're so mean to everyone, and all we've ever tried to do is be nice to you and welcome you into the group, and you're just such a... You're just such a...

You're such a bitch. Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, normal, whoa, normal. Who did a slow? Oh my God, I'm so sorry! Somebody's been naughty! I swear to God, old man, if you come here one more time before you're asked for. I'm sorry, I just heard someone say something anti-woman. I deserve to be here.

I was going to say you belong here. Take me to hell and I'd start wandering off with the old man. So immediately the gates open just for you, normal. Everybody else sees them as still closed, but they're open for you. He goes, you belong in here. He gestures towards the elevator. There's murderers, thieves, rapists. People say bitch. Kids who say the B word. Yeah, kids who say the B word specifically. I'll see you guys later. Follow the guy to hell. I grab him to stop him. Just.

Just hang on, just look. Normal, you were right. What? What old man, what? I'm just saying if you wanted to go with him, it seems like you all have some sins that you've done, some bad things. And if all you have to do is make that obvious and then the gates of hell will open to you. What sins have you done recently?

or anything that you think is worth sort of confessing to me, Satan Peter. - Wait, why would I tell you anything? - It's my job! - Hey, ding dong, we got, there's an anchor here! - What are you-- - Oh, well, scary, okay, scary, scary. Where's the anchor? - Don't ask her, I'm the one with the connection to the doodler, it's over there in hell! - Oh, is it? - Oh, is it? - Okay, good to know. - Normally, if you wanna roll arcana, I got a 15. All right, with a 15, you know that the anchor is at the lowest level of hell, at the bottom,

Yeah. Yep. You know what? Yeah, there's now eight levels to hell and the eighth level is saying the B word. I'm ready to say what I did wrong. Don't get your hopes up. It's going to be a big head fake. It's going to be like you think she's going to be honest for a second. And then she says something that just doubles down on how shitty she is.

I lied to all of my friends and everybody who loves me a couple of days ago. What was the lie? I said that my stomach didn't hurt that bad. You see? You see? Wow, she is a bitch. Oh, no! Oh, no! And fucking like the monsters from Ghost, the shadow creatures just grab him and drag him all the way back in.

And then another one comes by who sounds the same but looks very different. Anyway, where were we? Ah, yes, lying. That's pretty good. So you see the gates of hell open to you. But wait, do we have to get- By and being super selfish. Do we have to get into the last layer, though? Well, once you're in hell, there's sort of a lobby. And then if you want to, like, go down to the deepest layers, we allow you to visit the people who choose to live there. It's sort of a free love kind of thing where you can just sort of set up shop wherever you like. Sounds like one of those prisons in Northern Europe, you know, where they let them do pottery. Kind of. Those are good.

I think. I haven't done that much research. But anyway, there are circles for all of the eight sins. Lust, gluttony, pride, greed, wrath, sloth, envy, and saying the B word. For the people who are most guilty of those things, they tend to enjoy spending eternity there with other like-minded sinners. So if you want to just go through, you can. It's up to you. So we know that the anchor is in the B word place?

That's where I belong. You said you felt it there. Yeah, I did. Right. I got a 15 on my Arcata. You definitely felt it's down there. Yes. At least that far down. If not further. All right. First, I'm going to cast a zone of truth. Okay. I got zone of truth.

Does everybody have to roll to see if they... I think it's like saving throws, right? I feel like I don't have a save because I don't have a body and also I'm on your head. Don't try lying to me. Matt, can I get... You're so close to me. Can I get over your shoulder? Sure, if that works for you. Oh, yeah, that's what I thought you were doing. Oh, you want your voice to come out of my microphone? I just think after the roleplay of this,

Okay. Oh my God. You don't want to sit like that for an hour. That's wild. That's pretty good. How are you feeling, Matt? We've been closer than this. You want to get like a stool or something? Yeah. So you got to be able to sit, right? Yeah. Just stand like that for the entire time. You'll know this. You'll know this. There's a couple of things happening. One's very relaxed. Mm-hmm.

The tone of my voice has changed quite a bit. Yeah, it is. Because your throat's like on my shoulder. How does this feel for you? It feels fine. It feels like a nice little vibrator. I think it looks beautiful. It looks good. It looks like friendship. Yeah. Not too much. Taylor doesn't have a beard. No, but Taylor has his double, for sure. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a little itchy. And a couple pointy shits. Yeah, just like a couple pointy ones. You gotta shave better, Taylor. Don't you give a shit. Are you shaving now? Not yet. Me neither. Really? I think you could, though. I feel it. So, it's down here. Yes. The rest of you, so two of you are welcome in hell, because one of you said the B word, and the other one lied, and is also kind of selfish. Can we just say bitch? Whoa! Whoa!

What's wrong with you? All right. It looks like I got one way ticket or wait, hopefully not. No, it's one way. It helps forever. Well, why would we want to go in then? I don't know. Cause you're some pretty sick Fox. Okay. Well saying the B word like that. Yeah. Well, scary. You know, sometimes there's only one word to express how somebody's been acting. So yeah. And I'm not saying what that word is. Cause I've already said it once. Okay.

If you say it again, you go to mega hell. You don't want that. All right, now, Taylor, what about you? What sins have you done? I am without sin. Okay, well, just say the B words and we can all go. Fuck.

I'll tell you what I've done wrong. There was a person I trusted who turned out to be, dare I say it, it's so scary to say it, guys. A total biatch. Dung out. A total biatch. It has to be clear enough that if somebody had like an auto-generated captions thing, it would come out clear as day. You don't need to direct it. I heard you say it out to the sky. Bitch! What?

Whoa! Three rowdy boys and a liar. That's the name of the episode. That's the name of the episode. Three rowdy boys and a liar. Bienvenido a la hell. The liar of the bitch in the wardrobe? Yes. Holy shit. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Okay, so the gates of hell open to all of you, and you can see that you are currently on the highest level of hell, the lobby, the chill zone. Green hell zone. Yeah, green hell zone. You're on fire today. Jesus Christ. Um...

The lobby looks like the fucking part in Nightmare Before Christmas where everybody temporarily really loves Christmas. It's just like a lot of spooky demons, a lot of creepy ghouls all hanging out, making snowmen, hanging lights, singing Christmas carols. They're somehow still pretty psyched about Christmas up here.

And beneath you, there's basically a big hole in the center of this disc that is the chill zone of hell. Through the hole, you can see down to the next level and you smell... Careful, Will. What? I'm just saying. What was that? Through the hole and I hear Will. Well, incidentally, you see lust down there. Oh, wow. So that's the lust circle. And yeah, there's a small hole there and it seems like you could just keep... It's not like D.O. and latex.

It does. It does. Oh, sorry. Is that you, Link? Do they use condoms in hell? Well, no. There's other uses for latex. That would be hell. No, but wouldn't that be hell? In heaven, they raw dog. You can have all the sex in the world with a condom. No! You get it on the wrong way. Ever!

Every time you try! This layer is ribbed for your suffering! Holy shit! That's something we could sell. We could sell custom condoms that say ribbed for your suffering. That's very good. So what would you like to do? You could hang out in chill zone or you could go downward. Scary, what are you doing with us? Yeah, you're not allowed here, Scary. Did he roll for zone of truth? The spell I just cast? No. You gotta roll for it. I will.

Fucking natural one. All right. So yeah, you got the whole truth. What did Willie tell you? Willie told me, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this. I mean, you can not answer, right? You are aware of the spell and can choose to avoid answering questions. But if you do answer a question, it cannot be a lie. You can be evasive in answers, but it still has to remain within the boundaries of the truth. So you can do lie of omission if you want. Yes. You cannot perjure yourself. I'm here to destroy the anchor just like you are. Why? That's, you know, one more anchor down.

Okay, but like, what does Willie want to do with the doodler? Why did Willie have to cut off Taylor's head? Easy. If you call Taylor a bitch, you can go to hell with us. Taylor's been a bitch forever. In the distance. You can't say it in hell either. I can say bitch because I'm a woman. It's true.

There's only men in the B-word circle. That tracks. Why am I still last, Gary? Well, he cut your head off with this really cool knife that's called like the butter knife or something. It's called the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Knife. And this was sent to us by Anthony Landa. Thank you, Anthony Landa. Fuck you, Anthony.

Which Anthony I'm talking about? Take your pick. Who knows? This item can cut through anything as if it were butter from iron to body parts. The item does zero damage. A person cut by this knife will not even bleed. So you can cut them into a hundred pieces and they still won't die. It is impossible to die from this knife alone. However, they can die if, for example, you cut off their head and then do something to it like burning it. Anything cut by this knife can be easily put back together by just reattaching the part. Oh, cool. So you brought the body, right? Normal. That's the last thing I said as I was flying into hell. Well, yeah.

Yeah, it's my bad. No, you tried. At least you didn't act like scary. You're better than scary, that's for sure. Thank you. But not much, though. Well, no, don't say that. We got to stick together, the three of us. I don't really have much of a choice. Yeah, we got to stick together. Shut the fuck up, Gary. So getting back to the question, like, okay, fine, so he did that, but why did he have to do it to get us into hell? Because...

Nick would come. I guess that makes sense. Oh, wow. It's like you're telling the truth now. Yeah, I always do. I always have. I don't zone of truth on this brain all the time. Well, I mean, so do I. I tell the truth constantly. You just told Santa Claus over there that you lie. So either that was a lie or you told that you lie. I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe you're mispronouncing things. Mispronouncing? Mispronouncing. Yeah. Okay, fine. Whatever. Yeah. Whatever. We don't need to do this with scary anyway. Look, are you being like manipulated? Are you like, are you okay?

Well, I did mention that stomach ache. Are you really? You have no remorse for killing Tony Pepperoni. And you're under the zone of truth, I might add. Oh, yeah. Hey, hold on. Is Tony here? Tony's a Christian. So he's a heaven. Tony was baptized. You said he was racist. He's baptized. It's out of my hands.

Wait, we're early canonically was baptized. Yeah. Just in case. That night was a bad baptism. They did it in Gatorade. Oh, no.

Yeah, that makes sense. I cry if I buy... It's a sports baptism. I refuse to drink any water that doesn't have sugar in it. They tried to bless the water, but it was just a universal life church priest. It wasn't a real one. So, back to my question. Gary, do you feel no remorse for any of the horrible things you've done? Define horrible. I mean, you let Willy in and he killed...

Tony Pepperoni. You don't feel bad about that? You killed a man with a family. Yeah, a man has a family. Did you listen to Erica Drippins' podcast last week? Of course I listened to it. I'm a white woman between the ages of 15 and 55. Well, you know that she's coming for you then. Yeah, well, how do you feel? How do you feel about the fact that you left a woman without her husband? You left a daughter without her father. Oh, oh, wow. There's so much worse things in the world than a daughter without her father, right?

Right? Is that the worst thing that could happen? When he gets murdered, it's pretty bad. Yeah, you all people should understand that. I would argue having a father and then watching your father get murdered is probably bad. Probably. All right. This is going nowhere, boys. That's fine. You can come along with us, but just know, you know what? If your dad hadn't left before, he would have left now. That's for sure.

Whoa! Wow. Jesus fucking holy shit. Scary, I think you take some psychic damage there. Holy shit. So I had to roll a d20 for psychic damage. Hey, Link. That's a 19. Wow. Really got to her. Hey, Link. Yeah. That's pretty jacked up, man. Look, I feel pretty bad about what I said, but I don't want her to know I feel bad. Oh, that's fine. Oh, is somebody over there feeling bad for what they said? No. No. In fact, he just whispered in my ear. He just said, hell yeah, I'll do it again.

Don't do that.

Well, don't put your hand in front of my hand. Good. You know, it sounds like the band's back together. And we can, you know, and actually, you know, now speaking of bands being back together, I still need to record my album. So maybe we can all get together and do that. Let's just get, we got three more anchors. Let's just get it done so we can fix our dad's mistake and we can go back to whatever. And I do have some thoughts on the album. Yeah.

Old man. Satan Claus here. Satan Peter Claus is my full name. Hello. Where do we have to go? We gotta go to the bitch zone, right? What's the fastest way to the B word zone? Probably just going down the holes in each of the other sin zones on the way down. Wait, so... Okay, some like playgrounds have these things where it's just like eight layers of trampolines and then there's like a hole somewhere in there. Yeah, but they're not all lined up. Yeah, they're not all lined up. So we can't just go straight down. I mean, I guess if you had some sort of drill or item that allowed you to like... No...

now. Oh, you forgot to get items from the danger stream before I jumped through that hole. Alright, Scary, we'll allow you to come with us on one condition, which is that we're in charge. You're not the leader anymore. And also, we're not listening to you or acknowledging your presence, right guys? If we don't want to talk to you, we're not going to talk to you, and

If you think you're going to kill anybody to get this thing, then you can think again because we're not doing that. I probably wouldn't think about killing them. I'd probably just do it. Yeah, that makes sense. So do you guys want to get to the bitch zone super fast? Yeah, let's go. I've got this item that I think will maybe work. It's called the paintbrush of passage.

The paintbrush of passage allows he who wields it to paint a door using a limited supply of paint on the brush, coating it in a magical substance which is only visible to the user. They are then able to use the remaining paint to paint one further door, just activating the spell and creating the link between the two doors. Oh, so I would need to go. You need to go down there. Yeah, you need to go down to another layer, Scary, for that to work.

Also, it says he who wields the. That was from Benjamil Reed. Thank you, Ben. Well, at least we can get back up faster. Always be. That's true. Always. Thank you. But she's right. That's a good idea. I mean, bad people can have good ideas. E.G. Movies. Must have to be a bad person with bad ideas. Then, huh? Like.

Yo! Yo, that would suck. Scary, this, all right, this is going to go a lot better if we just, none of us talk to each other. Okay. Or we don't talk to Scary and Scary doesn't talk to us. Fine with that. Okay. As I said before, a tiger does not lose sleep. Anyway, guys, I guess we're going to have to go through all of these other spots. We're going down. Over the bad opinions of sheep. Ha ha!

Just ignore her. It's fine. Just walk faster. We're all taller than her. I'm not taller than her. Me and Link are taller than her. Yeah. My mom says I'm a short king. I stomp indignantly down into the realm of lust. Yes. So you drop down the gaping hole into lust. Your feet land on something wet and squishy and soft and pungent. As you all drop down there, you see Satan Peter's head pop over the... Aperture. Aperture. Thank you. Over the aperture and go, by the way... A butthole's an aperture. Yes, it is. Right.

By the way, hell is a place of your own creation, so it's going to look into your brains and create things that are related to that sin. So sorry in advance. So it's going to search all of your brains for something to create that will in some way torture you or cause you anguish.

I have ideas as for what these things could be for each of the sins, but if any of you have a thing that you want to volunteer, like, oh, this is what normal's lust thing would be, then feel free to, if you wish. Try to keep it in your pants this level, eh, boys? Why don't you keep your... Just shut up. You see the image of Hiro Okasualo's appear in front of you. What's up, Hiro? Hiro, what are you doing here? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's... Is this your brain, dude? No. This looks like your brain, you pervert. Absolutely not.

Wow. I feel like Taylor rolled deception. Why is my shoulder so wet? Awooga. Taylor rolls a 10 plus 3, 13. Okay. Would you like to roll insights normal? Can I get advantage because you look like on my head? Yeah. Oh my gosh. You know what I did. I got 16. What did you roll? I got a 19. 13. Okay. I know. Everybody knows. There's blood shooting out of his nose and two big blush spots and a huge sweat bead.

Hey, hey, sorry. I got a nosebleed. Can somebody help? All right, you have a crush on my sister. It's fine. I don't care. I don't like my sister. And, you know, I'm in a bad mood right now. So it's, I don't care. Hi, Hi, Hiro. Hey, Hiro. Is she real? No, I'm not real. I'm from his fucking mind. He likes what I mean to him. You stupid little, you're a piece of shit. Oh, and you called me a bitch. I said, and you called me. It's like she's worse. Silent treatment. Silent treatment. Oh. Fuck. So you guys, well,

You don't seem that tortured, honestly. I am. What? You're kind of taking this more in stride than I would have thought. It's pretty rad right now. Hey, how's it going? How's your job? I thought you'd be more embarrassed, but no, that's fine. I'm not embarrassed at all. I'll lead you to a gluttony. That's fine. You also said you're not really you, so like... Yeah, you're not really you. You're just a projection of my mind. What if I am real? Is that different? Is that weirder? Maybe if you animate it up a little bit. Put on cat ears. All right. Just a second. And Hero bamfs away, and then when she comes back in, she goes...

- Go down! - Okay, we need to move on. - John! - Normal closes his eyes and runs straight ahead. - Both nostrils are bleeding. - I pull the knee-high socks over Taylor's eyes, be like, man, just stay strong, let's just keep walking. - Hey, hold on! - Roll a wisdom saving throw. Anybody who would hypothetically be attracted to this, which I think is just Taylor.

That's 11 plus 011. Okay, so you do not manage to save from the sound. Like, you got a split-second view of her with her big bunny ears and her, like, Jessica Rabbit proportion. She, like, looks like a pillow come to life. And her braces. And her braces. She's also doing a-how do you say it? A-hey-go? No. What?

Ahiago. Ahiago, she's doing that. Oh, God. But you just get a bare, just a burlesque show glimpse of that before the sock covers your eyes. Oh, Taylor John. And you'll miss her for the rest of your life.

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You make it to a hole leading down to you see people indulging in just delicious food and they're not getting any sicker or bigger or anything like that. You just see delicious food down there. Everybody's gorging themselves and actually have a great time with it. All right, snack up. Let's keep going. We have to get through this, okay? Just eat on the road. Grab whatever is there as I keep eating. No, wait, what are you

doing what don't eat this did you see pain's labyrinth don't eat anything hey like there's some over there feed me i grab a pocket and i take one bite for me and one bite for him i just go kind of back and forth so both of you make uh wisdom saving throws a disadvantage because you chose to do it 13 plus 2 first one's 18 oh 12 12 okay so both of you feel like actually maybe it's

Best if we just stay here. Maybe this is the place you were meant to be. This place has rules. Norm, have you had Pocky before? They got all the flavors. They have all the flavors. Even flavors I haven't seen before. I really don't think we should eat any food here, guys. I agree with Norm. Thanks for bringing it up, Norm. It's really, yeah, like you had a great idea just now. Do you, really? Yeah, to keep going. I'm so impressed, dude. Oh, well, thank you. You know, I get the feeling that you're telling us real things, but then you're trying to make it sound sarcastic so we won't believe you. So I accept the compliment.

Even though, what am I doing? You're a murderer. Link, this Pocky is Pocky flavored. No, no, no. It's Pocky flavored Pocky. What could it mean? When you turn around, you know like those cartoons when like- They both turned into pigs like in Spirit of the White. Or they put like 26 of dynamite in mouth. It's like, my hair full of mouth is just full of Pocky. I'm just full of Pocky. I'm

Yeah, you're eating spaghetti. It's just barbed wire. Oh, my God. No, no, guys. Scary. Look, help me get them out of here. We got to get them out of this zone, right? Like, this is awful. Okay, guys. From where you are, you can see the hole leading to the next zone. All right. I'll drag him. You push him. And I grabbed Link's arms and I start dragging him towards the hole. Wow. See what we can accomplish with teamwork. Right? Yeah. Better than being with some creepy jerk.

And you know who sucks? Yeah, if I knew any creepy jerks, I certainly wouldn't want to be around them. That would be awful. I mean, they're in Willie, guys. And don't sell yourself short, man. I don't think you're that creepy. Well, first of all, thank you. I appreciate that. That touches a sore spot with me. I kind of do kind of feel like maybe I give off creep vibes. So, you know, they're filming

feels good to hear that. No, no. More like freak, but not creep. Well, okay. We're back there. It's like spaghetti and Lady and the Tramp, but it's 20 Pockys between me and Taylor. Like we're just connected. And no matter how much we eat, the Pocky never goes away. It just keeps from the middle making more. Pocky. Pocky. And it's actually just like iron hot rods of steel that you're just burning you. Both of you take 2d12 damage. Wait, I have a question though.

2d 12 it's hell so i take 15 damage ouch but i have a question oh does it come out three yeah what's going on with like what you eat just goes through the bottom of your neck so you take half damage less pipe spur to go through yeah it's not burning up your gully works because your gully works around a different plane normal you gotta try these pockets i'll push i got a six okay go ahead and roll strength does not get a roll strength check he's literally attached to my shoulder no no no

I got 19. Wow. Thank you. You turn out an 18. Wow. So with incredible strength, you somehow managed to overpower the same role. 19. It's teamwork. Yeah. I don't know what you're talking about with the sarcasm thing. So you managed to successfully drag the lady in the tramping Lincoln Taylor all the way to a hole that from it seems to emanate pure unbridled confidence. All right, let's go there. So as I know where to go, just follow me. And I just start walking without caring where I'm going.

So the second you land, you immediately are overcome with the thought of like, oh, I did the right thing fucking walking ahead of everybody. We're killing it. We're killing it, dude. Hey, Link. Just follow me. Link, you and me? Yeah. I think we are natural born leaders. Well, it's that way, of course. Yeah.

Don't worry about it. So what is 15? I got 19. Wow. Okay. So you managed to, sometimes when you're confident, you're also right after you just deal with it. Yeah, you're totally right. What do we see in the zone of pride? I guess, right? Just a, just a man and his head friend just on his shoulder, just his head. Right.

Bros, is it gay to have a head, friends? Is it gay to have a head? That's finally one of those where it is gay. What's a little head between friends? So yeah, you land and you see in addition to a very prideful, but correctly prideful, Taylor and Link, and also around you a bunch of other people who live here just looking very just smug, just a lot of smug people just, just,

just, ah, just enjoying the presence of themselves in a variety of different environs. But you feel something tickling within your head, Normal, and you see Teenie the Teen manifest in front of you. He goes, give me a T, give me an E. I've got nothing but pride for Teen High. Pride! Don't you love Teen High? What's your favorite thing about Teen High, Normal? Myself. Ha ha ha!

I'm the best fucking student in this school. No one appreciates me. Everyone talks about how stupid I am, but I'm the only one who cares about the school. I'm the whole reason the team even went to state last year. I'm the reason the marking band knows what it's doing. I'm the reason all the cheerleaders flip and cry and jump and shout. I'm the one holding it all up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, you should be very confident about that answer. It didn't come off as unhinged or deranged at all. I did it because it's true. Give me an M. Give me an E.

What does it spell? Me. Teenie the Teenie grabs you up like you're fucking Simba. And he goes, look, look, everyone. It's the best student in Teen High. Hooray. And he keeps throwing you up and catching you. And Chris, we get Taylor Turner like, who's that? Finally, everyone likes me. Oh, thank God. I can like myself. This may actually end up being better for him in the long run. I'm certain that everything that's happening to him is good for him. Absolutely. Normal screaming, I'm normal. I'm finally normal.

Teenie looks at you, Link, and Taylor and goes, I'm going to do this forever. I got 19, which means even though I'm confident, I'm okay. Yeah, you're fine. You can act more or less like yourself without being controlled by the pride. I think he succumbed to this realm in the same way that we succumbed to that delicious, delicious pot. Can we go back? Can we just go get a pot?

Scary, can we go back and get Pocky? No, I'm confident that you cannot go back and get Pocky. Okay, well, normal. Hey, buddy, we got to get out of here. Do you guys want to go to the pep rally? We're all going later. We're going out for sodas. We're going to the sock hop. And then me and all the popular kids are going to get along and be best friends. And everyone's going to love me. That's a great idea. I think the pep rally is that way. And I point to wherever the exit is. All right, roll deception. Got to get advantage. Can I say it really confidently? Sure. Nice. That's how we got Enron. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Sorry, let me update that. That's how we got Theranos. Nice. There's one to three.

Second one's a 16. Wow. Roll insight normal. Well, I got a five. Okay. So it goes, sounds great, buddy. Just one drop of blood. No one would ever lie to me because everybody loves me. And then I backflip out of Teen and Teen's arms and I land in the greased lightning car from Grease. Oh. And I kind of rev the engine and throw an arm like Hermes there and I give him a smooch on the cheek and then I just floor it and just drive straight towards the exit. Okay, so does this mean then that, Link, you turned off your zone of truth so that you could lie?

Oh, but does Zone of Truth apply to the caster? It's anybody in that zone. I assumed you chose yourself so that everybody around you... You canonically said that the Zone of Truth is always on in your own head. That's true. That's true. You're probably confident enough to go, I don't need this anymore. I can trust myself to tell the truth. It also has a duration of 10 minutes, which was a while ago. Yeah, sure. I guess I would have turned it off. I guess we could also talk about the metaphysical idea of whether or not this is actually a lie when we're in an imaginary state in the first place. And in many ways, the exit is where the Pratt rally is for him. Because it's not hell. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, sure. Good point. Everything you just described happens and you grease drive into the hole down to... Oh, does the car take off like into the sky? It does, yes. It takes off into the sky, but then very quickly does a precipitous drop like fucking Splash Mountain down into a hole where there's just money everywhere. Before I leave, I grab an application to Harvard, an application to Arsenal, and I go, why not? Why not?

I just fill it out and I ship it in the mail. I love that hell just has applications. Stanford has a new campus in hell. You miss every shot you don't take. Yep, and I make every one I do. Nice. So as you...

As you head into the layer of greed, all of that positivity, you snap out of it pretty quickly. You don't quite feel as confident anymore. You don't quite feel... I applied to Arsenal. I don't even know who I am. That's probably going to be on a blacklist. I'll never be able to go to professional sports ever again. They're going to look at that and be like, who is this idiot? That's okay, because you'll be rich. Look at all this money!

So what I assumed would show up here was based on the premise that I would remember that Hermione worthy existed and I didn't. So my assumption is that he's still on earth. We all forget about her. We do. I think Taylor had him join you. Hermione was with us, but then my head got cut off and then very quickly in short succession, we all jumped into a portal. Yeah. I feel like Hermione would have jumped out. Yeah.

He was just really quiet during that action scene. Wait, was that actually Hermie I kissed on the cheek then? No, I didn't know. I assumed that was a mental projection of my head. Yeah, I think that's a mental projection. Yes, it was a mental projection. And then what happened to the real Hermie? Wait, did Hermie see me kiss him? So he turned around and Hermie's like, Hermie is fucking furious. Hermie, you've been here this whole time? Green with jealousy and the poison ivy outfit that he is quickly assembling out of felt and fabric. And he goes, I've been here...

the whole time. Oh, so now you know what it's like. Yeah, I do. I do. I was trying to get notes for Dante's Inferno, the play that we might put on. It does make sense. I forgot they're making a play out of that video game. It does make sense. Hermes' hell would be for none of us to notice him. Yeah. That is the ultimate theater kid hell. Oh, hey, how are we? So you, what's up? So he turns his head away from me and goes, don't bother now. The zone of truth is off. I can't believe anything you're saying anyhow. Why not? I thought we were special. But I

but I thought we were, I was in the car with, right? Yeah, but it was you. No, it wasn't. It wasn't. I thought it was you. It wasn't me, but I thought it was you, but it wasn't, but I thought it was you though.

Do you know? Do you see what I mean? I thought it was you. Wow, making a lot of progress here, Norm. I feel like the greed thing that comes up for Hermie is just every Batman villain shows up and he's like, I want to be them all. Oh, this is where I can finally be me. Look, it's Condiment King and Calendar Man. Yeah, Man Bat, Solomon Grundy. Oh, and he's just walking around going, I could be everything I want to be here. This is the ultimate stage for my performances. Well, guys, the good news is we can just move on.

without having to worry about it. All right, Hermie, you lock it down here. Okay, no problem. I grab Hermie and I say, Hermie, the only person you need to be is yourself. He goes, but who is that? That's what you need to find out. And it really was you that I saw that I thought it was you in the car. It wasn't me though. It was, but I thought it was you. And you know, you're such a good actor. Can you kick both of them? Hermie, if this is the worst problem you two have in whatever this relationship is, I think it's good. I think you two are going to be all right. So like, can we just move on? And he goes, fine.

Fine. And he looks fondly at the rogues gallery of Batman villains as he moves away from them. He goes, he who makes a monster of himself removes the pain of being a man. Don't worry. Some of those villains are probably gonna be in that last layer too. You'll see them again. Because the B-word is green! Now you head down to another level that just, you're just angry. You just fucking feel fucking rage. Have you seen these dubs? No!

No, I'm serious. They really ruined the legacy. You know what's scary? I'm getting really mad at you right now. It's because you don't seem affected by any of this hell stuff. And I want to know why that is. What's that like, you little pussy? To be so angry at something, but nobody to aim it at except for dumb old me, right? I mean, that's a pretty good target. We're all angry at you. You also hear Santa in the distance. Again, she's a girl, so she can say that. It's fine.

None of us were asking you, asshole. She's not going to the P word zone. What? Shut up. The what? Wasn't funny. Cut it. You said pussy. I thought it was going to be my said penis. Yeah, this is how you stick with your bad joke. Oh, no. That's actually pretty funny.

It's pretty funny because, like, what if I said penis and I got, like, sent to a deeper level of hell for no reason? Girl can't say penis. What do we see in the anger zone? In the anger zone, I feel like you all see the angriest versions of yourself after Scarry betrayed you. You see yourself. Me with my body. You with your body. All of you kind of almost through Scarry's eyes of, like, fucking fire and shit in your eyes. And you're just screaming, like, get the fuck out. You betrayed us. You lied to us. Get the fuck out.

Out of my house, Scary. Normal's, he's catatonic. He just drops to his knees and starts crying. Who's time is she on anyway? Scary, is this hell for you? Is this your vision of hell? All of us being mad at you? Are you really suffering right now? No, this is just day in the life. Yeah, like you think she cares that we're mad at her? I mean, I do think she does care that we're mad at her. I mean, I think if she cared that we were mad at her, she would have done different things. Shut up. You guys are making my stomach ache worse. Yeah. Question.

The Taylor that I see at this level of hell, how supple is his body? I would say it's more. Medium supple? Yeah, medium supple. Let's say high medium supple. Hey, Taylor. That sounded like the Aflac. Yeah. Taylor. What? Come over here. Roll persuasion. Two. Yeah. Now. Hey, Link. Yeah.

Fucking what's up? My voice changed. It's been kind of hard. It sounds better when I hear it from you.

Your voice sounds different when you hear it yourself. Yeah, you do, because your head is a weird... You sound... I don't know. You sound pretty good. I sound alright. Yeah. I don't know. I think you're better. I'm not angry anymore. I think we can get out of this layer of hell. This is pretty calming. Yeah, why not? Yeah, this is kind of calming. This is kind of soothing. Alright. This is like self-therapy. Remember we read about some people do therapy on themselves? Yeah, but every day I do want to kill everybody now, right? What? What?

I didn't say anything. Oh, okay. Cool, cool, cool, cool. All right. Taylor, come over here and make out with me. No. Why? You're gross. If I had a body. If you had a body, I would consider it. Me too. What is going on? What realm are we in?

are we in? Anger, duh. Yeah, both you and your doppelganger say that at the exact same time and the exact same volume. Is there a version of scary in this realm? What is the thing scary is angriest about? Oh, it's a hall of mirrors, I think. So you see a bunch of scaries of various sizes and shapes? Yes. That's fun.

Whoa. They're all just going, ugh, at different volumes and pitches and tones. It's just a chorus. Ugh, ugh, ugh. My stomach, my stomach. Shut up. Shut up. You shut up. You shut up. You shut up. It's like that scene in Star Wars when Rey has so many copies of herself and he's just like, do-do-do-do-do. Yeah, she's exactly like,

Yes. So I guess you just say goodbye to your super chill doppelgangers who like, do we just roll something to get out of here? Well, I mean, it feels like you roleplayed it such that they aren't torturing you anymore. They're just being nice. I'll tell you why this for Taylor. Taylor and his doppelgangers just start screaming about various dubs that pissed him off over the years. Yeah, you just agree on too much. Yeah, we just agree that dubs are terrible. And it's just like, wow, we found common ground with myself.

Link is talking to his chill doppelganger and then he looks over his shoulder and he sees the moment back on other earth or whatever. Don't ever be like me and maybe don't love me as much as you do. I'll never stop loving you, Dad. No, that's bad.

Scout, that's bad. Dad doesn't deserve that. Let's get out of here, guys. Let's just go. Yeah, I feel like Normal definitely sees his dad. I love you so much. I like you so much. Not proud of you, but I love you. Yeah, all right. Yeah, let's go. I don't like it here. Yeah, let's fix this shit. I don't know. This guy's got a lot of good points.

I drag. But no, I don't have to. I just walk. I just walk away. Come on. Scary. You coming? No, you go ahead. I'm going to stay on this one. Oh, oh, fine. Whatever. Fine. Whatever. Yeah, fine. And then all the mirror scares are like, fine, whatever. Fine, whatever. I really have not lost track of which one was the real one now.

Oh, you can't tell, can you? You can't tell which of us is the real one. You think that everybody who just has a bad attitude is like me. But no, there's nobody like me. There's like six of you. I see a bunch of you right now. Yeah, I bet you do. Can I go up and start poking them to see which one's a glass and which one is real? Yeah. Okay, I do that. I feel like you can pretty easily find out which one is real. Stop poking me. All right, well, come on. You're supposed to say you're coming with us. So come.

So you guys want me now? No. I just don't want you here. I don't know why. Enemies closer, right? That's the thing. So like, I need to see what you're doing. Enemies closer. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Fine. Is that cool? Yeah. That's what we are now. Fine. Yeah.

You're okay with that? That's our relationship status? I guess. Like, whatever. That's what it is. Whatever. So let's move on. Okay. You and me. Enemies till the end. Yeah, enemies. Stay in front. Yeah. Keep your hands where we can see them. Go first. Okay, you go first. Fine, I will. I go. I'm going. Okay.

So as you approach the hole to the next realm, you feel a lot of your motivation to do so sort of melting away. And as you drop down, you immediately feel like, I should just fucking take a nap. Just fucking stay here. You see a lot of people napping. A lot of people just fucking lounging. Taylor is napping, in fact. Yeah. It's really cute, though. Do we see any actual slobs? Oh,

Yeah, there's a bunch of sloths. Sloths go to hell? That sloth is one of the same. Yeah, name me one sloth that's been baptized. And they do drugs? Yeah. Don't you know? That's all they do. They just eat mushrooms and they get high. Is there any other sin that's named after an animal? I highly doubt it. Pride of lions, I guess. And I would assume that the animal's named after the sin, Freddie.

Oh, you don't be great when they're doing the Bible By the way, I love them looking this up right now and then the first sentence that I see on Google is when Europeans first encountered sloths It's fair to say they were not impressed I

Like fighting an animal. So you're a sloth. Don't impress me much. Do something. And back then, the seven deadly sins were like important. It's like, think about how much they hated that animal. Sloths are the only animal whose common name is derived from one of the seven deadly sins. Great. Imagine seeing a luster bear. We should have a sin named Cheetah.

So yeah, you look around, you see a bunch of... A citizen of a coming too fast. Hey, everybody quiet. Taylor's sleeping. Yeah, Taylor has like those little bubbles that come out. Yeah, out of your nose. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. I keep popping them before they get too big so they don't splash on his face. That's great. So you have a disgusting finger. Yeah, my finger's really nasty. And Taylor goes...

I would have pegged him for a honk shoe kind of snorer. Yeah. Apparently you watch Prowl Rose. I really want to sleep, but it's hard next to the snoring. As you're walking through the sloth lair, you see a bunch of sleeping people, a bunch of sloths, a bunch of people just chilling and vegging out. Scary, you see your biological dad. Manifesting from your brain. He's not really dead. And he goes, oh, oh, hey, you're here. So are you. How's it going?

Did your mom get my... Okay, guys, let's go. Let's move on to the next. I needed some money. Let's move on to the next. Do you have any... You're old enough to have a job, right? Let's move on to the next thing. All right, so you head to the next level. It's bright green, this level. What could it be? It's a circle of people all looking at the person in front of them going, oh, I wish I was that guy. And that person goes, oh, I wish I was that guy. I wish I was that guy. Just everybody being super envious of one another.

That was just the hell version of my dad. Like my dad's like way cooler than that. Like in real life. What was he like in real life? Well, like I don't remember a lot, but like, I mean, he was just like way cooler and like would chill and like love me. And like, he sounds great. A real deception. Scary.

Three. So everybody knows that's not true. Whatever. I still want your dad though. I mean, I want, I wanted to ask cool as your dad. Yeah. Anybody would. Dad, you're lying about. I want that. I'm going to then roll performance to see if me saying like, yeah, your dad sounds really cool. I wish he was my dad. Like, which I'm doing as a bit, not a bit. Like I'm trying to like, just kind of like help her through this moment by being nice about it. Sure. But we'll see how well I do.

13. You do okay. And it's not like I needed it anyway. I didn't even feel better about it because it's fine. As you were talking to Scary, you feel a tickle in your mind and then in front of you, two very buff men holding assault rifles with skull helms on, Elliot Salen and Tyson Rios appear in front of you. I can't even hear if I scream into my ear so loud before you even finish the names. Who? It's the Army of

Everything you've ever wanted to be the army of two bros and they go hey Taylor I mean sorry hey link. Well, you stuck to Taylor first Yeah, well I mean he just seems like a little bit cool like you can join us too if you want to My man Tyson what's up, baby? Not much my man Taylor. What he does a fucking fist bump and

Why are you high-fiving him? He's never played. I know, but he's just got something, you know, just a little something you're missing. I don't know. You two never lie to each other or anything. You two are just the best friends. Yeah, and they go back-to-back, and they just start circling around as they're talking to you, just fucking walking in circles, talking to you with back-to-back, and they go like, yeah, man, we're total bros. We never turn on each other, except for in the third game where one of us apparently does turn on the other. No, that wasn't even count. That wasn't even count. That's not canon. Norman is circling around Lincoln Taylor, like, doing the same thing. He's like, no, that's not canon. That doesn't count.

Whether it's a freaking wall or terrorist, like you guys just solve any problem. Just the two of you. I love it when you guys help each other over walls. I love to boost him and then he jumps on my hand. It's so good. I feel so tight with my bro. Oh man, you got like a head bro. How's that? Yeah. Well,

Well, I mean, I don't know. We got a little army of two right here, actually. Well, you're not quite as good as, I mean, you know you're not as cool as this army of two, though. And they somehow, their backs are more together now. Man. They've clipped into each other. Yeah, they've clipped into each other and they are stuck there forever. The left arm of one guy is just glitching out right now. Yeah. So roll a wisdom saving throw to see if you can. I don't know what this has to do with envy, exactly. Other than I wish I was an army of two. Yeah, he wants to be them. Six.

All right. So, yeah, you'd give anything right now to be Elliot Salem and Tyson Rios. Just for both of you would give anything. Oh, no, not again. I dive at them and I try to take. I was like, that armor is mine now. I'm like, try to pull their mask off. Give me that skull mask. Give me that skull mask. So Tyson Rios points his gun at you. He goes, stand down, soldier. Stand down. And he gets ready. He's like, don't make me do it. Don't you make me do it. We have moral choices in the second game. I'm already here, asshole. And I charge at him.

Give me that helmet. I need that skull. No. And we're entering combat. Here's what we're going to do. Here's what we're going to do. Matt, get your keyboard out. Okay. Anthony, we're going to do a quick time event. So you shout six different letters on the keyboard. And if Matt presses them the right way in discord, and I don't know, I don't know how you do this in real life, but do it. Okay.

I'm typing to you. What you're saying, Will, is instead of doing D&D combat, we're doing a replica of Army of Two Quicktime Event. True, and we're going to do an Army of Two Quicktime Event. Okay. I'm going to say a word or a letter to you, and you're going to have to type it as quickly as possible. Okay? Yeah, I got it. I hereby give custody of my daughter to Anthony Birch.

All right, great. You successfully won the combat. Yes. The most important. I got army of two. You got army of two. But at what cost? You have, it's only useful in hell, but you have their armor and their big machine guns now. Oh, so now Taylor has like one of the skull masks. The skull helms. We both have the skull masks. Then you descend to the next level, which is the hell of saying the B word. Oh, my God.

That's right. What's up, my bitch? What's up, my bitches? That's right. You all belong here. Yeah, so just the worst of the worst. There's nothing that even comes up from your head. You just know when you've got here that you're not an ally. You're not a good ally. I turned to Scary. I was like, Scary, I'm sorry I called you the B word. It wasn't cool. Yeah. It was quite uncouth. I'm sorry for everything that I said. If I had had more time to think about it, I would have said something like way more hurtful. Oh.

I fall for it every time. I just walk past you two with like a thousand yard stare and I come across a little coffee table and just two gentlemen are sitting there talking, dropping the occasional B word like they do. Abraham Lincoln? I don't know why I'm laughing.

And I turn and I look and I go Mary Todd could be something of a bee if you know what I mean. Link from Legend of Zelda? Hey! Lincoln! You bitch! He was a knowing butt. There's no excuse. Well, excuse me, Lincoln. I gotta get out of here. Andrew Lincoln's down here. Andrew Lincoln.

Hey, I'm real good at acting. I'm the best Spider-Man, but I was in the worst Spider-Man movies. Oh, wait, no, that's Andrew Garfield. Andrew Garfield's there, too. I'm here, too. Oh, no. Oh, Andrew Lincoln from The Walking Dead. Oh, it's me, Andrew Lincoln from The Walking Dead. Cool. What a bitch. So, yeah, you jump down through the hole in the B-word zone. Oh, Mr. Rogers? Yes.

It was just one time. It's a bitchin' day in the neighborhood. So you jump down. We all can be a little bitches sometimes. That's okay.

It's okay to be a little bitch. Cut this. Remember that one time Mr. Rogers invited the police woman on and called her a bitch? Don't be like that. That's funny. And ACAB, that's all cops are bitches. Yeah, all cops are bitches.

That's the beauty of ACAB. It can be bastards or bitches. It's inclusive. All right, where's the anchor? You guys said it was here. We've gone through hell. It was fine. It wasn't that bad, actually. So you leap through the final hole next to the two links.

Wait, there's another hole after the B word. Yes. There's something worse than the word bitch? Can we at least glance into it to see what we're jumping into? Yeah, if you want to glance into it, sure. Down there, you see a flaming throne. You see two flaming thrones, one of which is empty, the other one of which has a demonic-looking presence with a whip and a badge and a confident look on his face.

It feels like that would have been cooler if we jumped in and then we saw it. Yeah. But you see it from a distance safely now. And then we jump in. Hey, Link, with these cool army of two skull masks on, I feel like we could take on anyone. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I'm feeling pretty bad about all the people down here. Who gives a shit? They're little bitches. Hey, normal. Scary. Is that is it down there? Is that where we're? Yeah, that's where we're going. OK, everybody. I just want to say.

Fuck it. Let's go. Then I jump in. I jump in after. I jump in. Okay. Hermie, you're coming, right? Yeah. He's with all his Batman characters. Yeah. He's just saying the B word with Joker and Two-Face and every single random mook enemy in the Arkham City game when you play as Catwoman. And then, yeah, he jumps in after you. You all land in a black void. It's lit only by the flames of the two thrones. And...

On the throne with somebody in it, you see that person, that demon, raise its head and look at you. And in the voice of Jimmy Wong, he says, Oh, my grandson. I thought there'd be more of you. Like, body-wise. Oh, you recognize me under the mask! Aw, shit.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today, for tomorrow makes day.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlowe and myself, Freddie Wong is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Maxton Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special thanks this week to Anthony Landa and Benjamil Reed for providing some

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and Ruthann Weissman or Weissman if you're German. Supporting us on Patreon, by the way, is the most direct way you can support this show. It's also the most direct way you can get hours of bonus content in video and audio form. If you're ever curious, maybe you're not

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They tried their best to make bowls. How good did they do? Well, there's only one way to find out. You can support us directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. You can join a vibrant Discord community, consume loads of vibrant content, just have a vibrant time overall. Our Twitter is dungeonsanddads. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies. Our store is store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. If you want some merch, that's where you can get it. If you don't care about Patreon, you care about merch, I know you're out there. It's fine.

The world has all kinds. Our next episode is coming up February 28th. We appreciate you listening. Thanks so much. We'll see you then. Sorry, I interrupted you, Scary. I wasn't going to say anything cool. I mean, I was, but I guess I got interrupted by a man. I'm going straight to the B-Zone.