S2 Ep. 25 - Stand and Delivery
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Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Animehab. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons of new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kind of...

It's all kinds of stuff, dude. I was thinking solely anime. From Family Guy to American Dad, they've got it all. Solar Opposites, Hit Monkey, American Dad. Plus, watch some of the freshest animated series around, like The Great North, Grimsburg, Crapopolis, and so many more. If you're looking for a favorite animated show, there's only one destination you need to remember. Hulu Anime Hem. Your animation destination now streaming on Hulu. Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

And it'll still be a waste till we see if we're worthy. Tickety Tony, the pepperoni. You got an anchor cause you're sad and lonely. Playing Fortnite with Grand Will's son. We're on the wagon. I hear those offline moaning this one. Like Willie Stapler, I'm a bad man. Like Lincoln Batman. Like Ronan Blade, I am a samurai. Like Gary Gygax, I throw 20s. Wait, I don't have Ds. I guess I gotta make some cheesy diet. Hermes gonna hang back with our dads. He's gonna scam. I'm really bad just so those rumors don't always ruin all our big schemes. Gotta get Hatsune Miku tunes cause that cartoon has got that boom vocaloid voice that gives Taylor a swifty. How can I help?

♪ But if you think my uncle is my dad ♪ ♪ Trying hard to show a smile though I feel bad ♪

I'm the kind of kid who wants to help the doodler Can't see what I mean, well you soon will I have a tendency to wear a big head of a teen I have a history of not washing my shirt It's been two weeks since we D&D'd In a crummy campaign, D&I's scary Two weeks since you killed us too Saying you can't do just what you thought you were gonna do One day since that willy-a-dude Immobilized all of our dads, so what could we do? Yesterday we said bye Hermie And it'll still be a waste till we see if we're worthy

And it'll still be a waste till we see if we're worthy. And it'll still be a waste till we see if we're worthy. Teen High Stadium home of the

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, definitely not a D&D podcast for many reasons. My name is Freddie Wong. Contractually, we have to clarify, this is not a D&D podcast. Not a fucking D&D podcast. No, no. I don't even know what D and or D stand for. This has never been a D&D podcast. Never been, right? NADDPod already exists. We are never been a D&D podcast at any point. People for years have been like,

follow the rules of D&D. It's like, yeah, because we knew what was fucking coming. We knew what was fucking coming. These notes are done. People hated on me when I was hating on D&D, but now I'm- Now it's cool. Yeah. Watch how Beth's trend sets and the rest of the world fucking catches up. Happy New Year, everyone. It's 2023. We're back for another fucking year of this bullshit. OGL stands for, oh, good luck, Wizards of the Coast.

This is a 1.1 complacent podcast. Complacent? It's not complacent. What is it? Compliant. It is also a little complacent. You may be wondering what we are. Here's what we are. We're a role-playing game podcast where we play a role-playing game where we roll dice. No, this one. This is a story. It has nothing to do with role-playing games.

This is like Game of Thrones. This is really all about stories. Just like story. This is a story about four teens from our world who discovered their world was our world and now they got to fix it with a little help from their friends. I'm one of the teens. My name is Freddie Wong.

OGL is already making the show better. Freddie, over the break, did another improv D&D thing. Yes. It's like in a JRPG when you send off one of your guys to go train and he comes back with new skills. I feel like Freddie's come back with new host energy. Or like a friend that goes to a European country and they come back and they have a bunch of new words and accents like that. But Freddie went to a new improv land. Well, in France, shut the fuck up.

We get it. They're trained improv artists who worked with Freddie. I like to think of it. It's like when different countries send like their special forces to the U.S. to learn from the real killers. You know what I'm saying? And they come back home and they can't turn it off and their family leaves them. So Freddie, you're a teen on this podcast. I'm a teen on this podcast. I play Taylor Swift, the weeb anime ranger teen of the group.

Happy New Year, everyone. 2023. It's talking about New Year's resolution, specifically Taylor's New Year's resolution. Taylor's New Year's resolution is as follows. Taylor wants to get more into doing some fan dubs of animes. So what he's been doing is like prior to all the events of the season is he was like downloading things off of YouTube downloads. He's like, all right, I'm going to give this a shot. I'm going to try my hand at anime voice acting.

because I have a nepotistic end to the industry. He's a nepo baby. Nepo baby. Nepo baby Taylor. So then he was like, first things first, time to download some episodes of an anime that I like to dub it over. And then he spent the next four hours trying to figure out which YouTube download to use because each one was fake and there was like something on the computer. So now his mom's computer has lost by. You know who the first anime nepo baby was, was Gohan. That was good. Well, I actually got that one. Oh,

Hey, I'm Will Campos. I'm taking Matt's spot because I got a compliment. New year, new order. New year, new me. I play Hermie. No, I don't. Let me start over. What? It's been a while. It's been like a month since you recorded. I play Normal Oak. Normal is a mixed up mascot kid who doesn't know who he is anymore. He's figuring himself out. Fun fact about Normal this week. Normal's

main career goal, obviously, is to be a mascot. Normal's backup career, like if he can't make it as a mascot, is that he wants to be a therapist. Wow. Because he very incorrectly assumes that it's basically just like being a mascot, but for one person. You know, like you're there, you cheer him up. People are feeling down, they don't have any energy, you pump them

I have so much respect for anybody who says to their friends or their family that they're going to be a therapist because you could see everything you need to know about how good a therapist you'll be by the look on their faces. There's no easier way for your friends to judge you than to say, I'm going to be a therapist. And they're like, oh, really?

Really? Yeah. You are. You, okay. Oh, therapists have to do that thing where they take therapy first, right? To do that, right? Like a horse therapist? They have to have like good advice, right? Yeah, cool. Hey everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold, third place in the podcast now. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson. No, because Beth will be first. I'm second now.

We go from worst to best on this podcast. Sorry, Will. Wait, what? What the fuck? Sorry, Will, you demoted yourself. It's the DEFCON system? Yeah, it's a list. When you read the list, it's the fucking top 10 games of the year. They don't do number one first. Well, she doesn't start with Elden Ring. They work their way up to it. My name is Matthew Arno. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the school-at-home soccer kid who's the protective paladin of the group. Also, New Year's resolution. Link has the same New Year's resolution every year, and it is that this year he will not get sick.

Works really hard. And he gets really into it. The reason is, one, he can't train for soccer, and two, his dad's got to take care of him, so he feels like a burden when he's sick. So he's got to work really, really hard not to get sick. He gets sick every January, though, so it's a very tough time. Friends of the podcast, if you look at all the clues Matt's laid out about Link's facts and his backstory, if you trace them all together, you can find out if Link is vaccinated. It's not part of the fact, but Link...

Link is the opposite of anti-vax. He's into anything. Any new age man. He's drinking apple cider. He's drinking vinegar. The favorite thing you drink when you want to not be sick. The health food. Apple cider. There's just a bunch of ginseng in here. I'm just chewing that on the go. Whatever happens, I heard it might help. Can Matt get a plus one to his constitution score for all of this stuff that Link does? I have so many vitamins in me. Yeah.

You know what? Mark it on there. Is Lincoln a no tropics stacks? Yeah. That's the thing is I think if you go into no tropics, that's definitely like reducing your ability to fight off certain diseases. He sees multivitamins into Bitcoin because they have multivitamins. They have vitamins for him and her. He's like, well, that seems pretty like presumptive. He just takes all the vitamins. He's like, we're all humans. I need all the vitamins as an ally. I'm going to take both. He is very dark. He passes through. What are you talking about? He fucking pisses that clothes at night, dude, like a nightlight. Oh,

Okay, hi, I'm Beth May and I play Scary Marlo, the goth monk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Fun fact about Scary this week.

Her least favorite song, song she fucking hates, can't stand it whenever it plays or whenever people sing it. It's the birthday song. People will just join in like sheeple maybe. Oh, nice. And they don't really care about who's at the center of it, whose birthday it really is. They don't give a fucking shit. Pfft.

So that's why. Wait, was that, sorry, real quick, was that they don't give a fuck and shit or fucking shit? Both. Oh, wow. What about when it's Gary's birthday? Yeah. Yeah. Does she not like getting sung the song? Well, like,

I don't know. Not everybody's singing, so. How does Beth feel about the fact that it's her birthday? It's not my birthday anymore. How does Beth feel about the fact that none of us wished her a happy birthday yesterday? I felt sad because I care a medium amount about my birthday. Like, I don't have a birthday party, but I do care a medium amount about it. A real 16 candle situation. Well, we wanted to save it for this podcast. That's right, everybody. Happy birthday!

Those of you listening at home, join along with us as we wish our co- No, fuck off. Happy birthday to you. It's Anthony's birthday tomorrow. Happy birthday to Anthony and Beth. But Beth, not later. Anthony, not yet. A lot of parents getting horny in April. I know at least five people who were born in this week or next week. I know. Fuck time. April showers.

April Fool's. Oh, gross. Fools, like, rush in. I'm Anthony Burch, apparently the Elden Ring of this podcast. My dad fact is that a couple weeks ago, or a week ago, I went to open mic to see if I could do some stand-up. I didn't get picked. It was a random draw, or if you were one of the ten people who got there first, you would get in. But everyone should go to an open mic.

just to see what true confidence looks like. There was a guy who came up. I'm going to change all of the specific things they said and descriptions of them so nobody gets too embarrassed if they happen to know these people, but you don't. But a guy came up, and every punchline he said was followed by him punching the air and saying, kablam. That sounds like a genius move. Well, that's the thing. At first, it wasn't funny, and then he did a Holocaust joke, and it was especially not funny, and then he did it again, and it became really funny. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

And then somebody kept saying, that was a punchline you're supposed to laugh. Like, not in a cute way, like in an angry way. And then they went over their time, and as they were leaving the stage, they went, I'm going to be back here every week. You all are going to watch me grow. And I was like, damn! That's kind of cool!

That's a good line. Yeah, so I'm just going to be thinking about that. What are you going to do? Do you have like actually a thing planned? You're trying to grow the skill set? Basically, if you do the laugh factory, because the only person I know who knows anything about Spookworth stuff is Beth, so I was like, Beth, where's stand-up comedy? And Beth took a break from her busy life to be like, oh my God, and Googled something. Well, you asked me to do that.

me like about open mics and I only know about poetry open mics and so it's like I didn't know if they were the same or different I would be confident but spoken word poetry and comedy are very different yeah but a lot of your poetry is genuinely and unironically funny thank you but yeah no like a lot of poetry places kind of gatekeep comedians because like can you imagine a bunch of people baring their soul and then coming in completely

- Kablam! You're gonna watch me grow like a fucking house plant. - It's just the way you say it, if you just say like kablam. - Kablam, you just whisper it. - Kablam. - Thank you, kablam. - Yeah, no, the Laugh Factory has you do a tight two and it has to be clean. I was like, why does it have to be clean? - Yeah, I love that it has to be clean, that's awful. - 'Cause somebody comes up, well, I found out because somebody came up and immediately just started cursing a lot 'cause they thought that was funny and I was like, oh, okay.

So when we last left you, you had just learned that the first anchor that you needed to find was the anchor of loneliness. And it had taken the form of Tony Pepperoni, the principal of Teen High. I didn't realize it was the anchor of loneliness. That says a lot about him. I mentioned it kind of offhand. I didn't think anybody caught it. Yeah, it's the anchor of loneliness personified. And last we saw him, was it clear that he was divorced in the middle of the divorce or together but unhappy? I think things were heading towards a divorce. Okay, okay.

For some reason, the one line I remember from this whole podcast this season is that he very specifically saw his wife get a text. His wife sent him a text message that said, dick me down, big Ralphie. And he was like, I don't know. It could be anything. It could be anything.

Man, I don't remember that at all. Every four days, the phrase, dig me down, big Ralphie. So it's a person named Ralph, and then Margarita is his daughter. Margarita Pizza is his daughter. Okay. I feel like knowing the family is going to be important. I feel like our instinct is not to just murder. It's a...

before therapy teens and solve this in a more creative way. And also your parents and Willie, you locked successfully, I guess, inside the dungeon, the daddy's dungeon with a garage door opener type thing. And they are currently in there presumably solving puzzles that Hermie the Unworthy is reciting to him outside the door. As the Riddler. Yes. And then we get items, right? Yes, every week. We have all vacation to look at every item. Every week you have

- You did. - Oh, we didn't do that! - Oh, I did that. - You did that? - Okay, thank you, excellent. - I took a half hour every two days and looked through 'cause it's thousands and thousands of items and my attention span is very short. - Every week you will be able to choose one of our listener submitted items

And Mayhails will get it for you. Thank you, listeners. Thank you, listeners. No, sorry, not listeners. Patreon supporters. Listeners don't actually get this benefit. I mean, some listeners have probably talked to people and made them Patreon. You know what? If you're just listening, you're not getting me sending money. That's fine. It's fine. Thank you. That's fine. It's fine. Thank you. I'll say thank you. I'm not going to be psyched, but it's okay. It's allowed. I'm psyched. It's fine. Can I say what item I got? Happily. So this is an item submitted by Alfonso. It is the baseball cap of shadiness.

provides the user with the ability to be perceived by others as a friendly face as long as they pass an insert check here. Okay. It's the baseball cap that Captain America wears during that one part in that one movie. Yeah, it's the Winter Soldier Captain America baseball cap that immediately makes you blend in wherever you are. You reached out to Mayhales and asked for the shady baseball cap and Mayhales sent it to you direct through an Amazon drone and you now possess it.

Nice. When we last left you, you were literally right outside the teacher's lounge office as principal Tony Pepperoni was talking to the rest of the faculty for the beginning of work week sort of pump up speech that he likes to do. It's like when the police chief like has that meeting with all of the detectives at the start of the wire. Keep it down, everybody. You're teaching first grade. You're teaching. I know you're teaching second grade.

This is almost a useless meeting. Why are we doing this every week? What do you want to do now? He's irritated that you interrupted him. What do you want? What is it? Hey, why are you all teaching? You're supposed to be teaching. It's like 7 a.m. Why are you here? Oh, daylight savings. Oops. No, we're just here early to get a start on the day. And we thought we would observe the teachers because, you know, teachers are our future, as they always say. You know, they always say children are the future. But, you know, we kids think that the teachers are the future because they teach the children about the future.

the future. Roll deception. You all might be our future because the four of us have started a club about becoming teachers and we're thinking about becoming teachers. So we want to observe you guys. Alright, both of you roll deception. Okay.

Oh, natural 20, baby. I feel like normal is natural. 20 just automatically means that follow up. I didn't really listen to me. Normal is so confident and so charismatic when explaining that teachers are the future that if you so wish, they will also believe your lie that you are starting a future teachers of America club. Yes, absolutely. I'll give us good like cover for like why we want to follow Tony around and stuff.

As the principal of the Future Teachers of America Club, I

I suggested that we all should follow you today, Tony Pepperoni. I mean, Mr. Pepperoni. And find out your weaknesses as a teacher. And strengths. And strengths. And maybe the dark contents of your heart, if that should come up at all in any way. And I thought we would start there. So he's looking at you with like a scowl in his eyes. But one frame, no animation like in an anime. His cheeks just get a little bit red. And he goes, all right. Yeah, you can follow me around. That's fine.

I mean, you need to see how it's done properly, and I'm pretty much the best principal. Everybody, he ushers you into the room with all the teachers. He goes, these are the future teachers of America that are going to be shadowing me, learning how to be a principal. So you treat them like you treat me, with deference, silence, and respect. Snickers all around. Everyone's a head and a half. Hey, everyone, really excited. Just so you know, none of us will be in any of your classes today. We're going to be following him around. Yes, to be clear, we are assigning ourselves this extracurricular activity.

Well, sometimes I like to drop in and just be sitting in the back and make him really nervous. So you might be around with me for that. Yeah, that sounds fun. Let's do that too. Oh, wait, I gotta focus. Okay. Principal Pepperoni, we're gonna be right back. Okay. Oh. I was all psyched for you to follow me around, but you don't really wanna... No, just for two seconds. We all need to go to the bathroom. Leave me alone again. Yep. No, that sounds about right. Okay. Everyone, I kind of take everyone back outside into the break room. Take everyone to Outback Steakhouse. Something in my heart tells me that the anchor is in Tony Pepperoni.

So do we kill him? I'm down with killing him. I don't want to kill. I mean, he's my arch enemy. I kind of hate his guts. So you want to kill him? I don't know. The whole point is to not kill people. Who's to end the violence? Do you think it's like a physical object in him or like magic?

Metaphorical. So again, the doodler's negative emotions have been trapped in anchors across the realms. And in him, I sense this deep, you know, I always thought he was just a big jerk, but like, I'm kind of starting to realize that people got a lot of sides to him. And I think he's really lonely. Like I think the doodler's loneliness is in him. So maybe if we can like, I don't know, help him out. Like we can expel that dark energy and that'll break the anchor and we won't have to kill him. Normally you can see, even if nobody else can see like a red glow kind of emanating from Tony of Barbarone and you can feel,

feel in your heart that this red glow is fear crystallized from the doodler. That may be relevant like in 15 episodes, but just like this thing, you know, fear is red. 15 episodes. Wow. Ambitious. It's really calling it a shot. It may not. Well, that's a very simple answer to this, Normal, which is that, well,

Well, if he's feeling lonely, you can always apply the universal South to loneliness. Anime. Why don't we just get a small curated handpicked selection of the greatest of anime hits, and that way we can just play it for him, and then he'll be fine. Okay, I like that. Do we just need to make him not lonely? Like, I'm not doing anything else. I'm just with you guys. We can just hang, like, just become his best friends. It's not that kind of loneliness, man.

What kind of loneliness is this, Gary? What do you think? I don't know. It's like that loneliness, like when you look in the mirror and know that there's nobody who will ever truly know you except yourself, and nobody even wants to try. But if you were looking in the mirror and you saw me behind you like, hey, what's up, friend? Wouldn't that change? You'd be less lonely, right? It's the loneliness when you know that nobody understands. So I think we just got to kind of like...

Listen to his problems, maybe? Yeah, that's great. That's my favorite thing to do. Like a therapist, which is almost as good as a mascot. Yeah. All right, team. I'm feeling good about this. Let's get back in there. Observe and report. We're going to observe. It seems like we're kind of going with this idea of figuring out, but if you want to maybe clue in and see if you can think of an anime that he likes after we follow him around for a little bit. Yes, yes, yes. Keep that in mind. Like a fine wine sommelier. I will take the correct anime and apply it.

Let's also be on the lookout for Margarita. We could ask her questions about her dad and see what's going on. That's true. Yeah, we got an inside. And we can get like his wife to maybe text him or something. Yeah, this is what I don't understand. It seems like he has everything. He's got the respect of the school. He's got a job where he gets to interact with kids all day. That's fun. You know, he's got a family. He's got a car with doors and wheels. Yes. What is missing in this? So what could be missing for this man? Yes.

Okay. Okay. So you hear from inside the faculty office, three, two, one break. And then a bunch of really unenthusiastic people can break. And then the doors open and a bunch of the teachers file out. You're doing a great job guys. You have the best job in the world. You want to be just like you someday. Are you holding up your hands for like high fives? Straight up. One teacher spits in his hand and shakes it and looks you down. Bro.

Like, a good way? You ever did that? No. No. Wait, what? You know what I'm talking about. Well, like, to, like, BM after a match? Yeah, like, there was, like, the thing when you, like, played soccer and it was, like, afterwards everyone's, like, high-fiving the other team and the other team, like, if they didn't like you, they'd spit in their hand. That's a thing? Oh, no. Wait, what? Am I the only one? That's never happened to me, but it's happened to a teammate of mine. We were always a big fan of the, like, you do the psych. Yeah, psych. We were gentlemen. Yeah.

I respected the postgame handshake. Never once did anything interesting happen to me. Not in the fucking leagues in Seattle, I'll tell you that much. Not in JV football. Yeah, he comes out and he puffs up his chest. He goes, all right. So usually what I like to do at the beginning of the morning, somebody writing this down. Yes, absolutely. What I like to do is sort of wander around to a random classroom and then just sort of stand in the back.

You know, let them know I'm there. Keep some morale up. Any particular class you want to check out, I usually do it randomly. What classes do you like, Mr. Pepperoni? Español. Español. Interesting. What do you like Español? Because I don't know it. Here's the thing. Here's the thing, kids. And he leans over and he goes, I may be a teacher, but in a lot of ways, I'm also a student. I'm a student of life. You never stop being a student. Keep that in mind. I'm actually writing that down. That's good. That's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah, no, I know. All right.

Let's go. As his loneliness- Andiamo, as we say. No, wait, that's not what we say. Shit. Hey, Tony, has anybody told you? You're just like a- You're a good friend. I already feel less lonely around you. This is a weird feeling. I just- He narrows his eyes and cots his head just like I did right then. And then he gave a real- I thought I'd be with you for like a few minutes, but like I already- Roll persuasion or deception depending on whether or not you're lying. Link, can you chill?

I got a 13. He just puts his hand on your face and just shoves a little bit and he goes, flattery doesn't work on me. Oh, man. Another great aspect of your personality. Brown nosers never get anywhere. You should know that. All right. I'm writing that down. Right now, you look like your face is made of chocolate. Well, not your whole face. That could be offensive. Just your nose. Just your nose looks like it's made of chocolate. I'm not accusing you of anything else. Let Tony Pepperoni wheel that back a little bit.

You look like a brown noser because your nose was in my butt. Nothing racial. I was just being Willy Wonka. Just a Willy Wonka kind of thing. Holy shit. Here's $20. He just hands you $20. I can't get kicked out of another school district. I'm on a three strikes rule. I have two in. It's the bottom of the ninth for my career. Let's not tell anybody about that. You know what? Let's not go to Spanish either. It feels like it's a risky place to go.

We're going to English. So just regular English, huh? We're just going to, yeah, we're going to English. Unless you want to go to urology. That's good. Prince of Powell. Prince of Powell and Prince of Powell, am I right? I lean over to Scary and say, hey, Scary, it's me normal. What? Look, you know, I was thinking, you ever see that movie Silence of the Lambs? Yeah. You know how they got to use like that serial killer guy to catch another serial killer?

Yeah. Well, like, you're really, like, dark and lonely. A serial killer? No, you're, like, dark and lonely. You're saying I'm a serial killer? What do you want from me? I'm just, you know, I thought you'd think that was cool. That is the cool.

Yeah, you're like a serial killer and like, you're like a badass and you're dark and lonely and like, we need to get into his head and he's dark and lonely. So I was thinking like, do you have any tips or advice? Maybe you can like try to get him to open, like play mind games with him or something like that. That's a good idea because I think he's already like a big fan of mine. So like me telling him he's a friend, like doesn't mean anything. Maybe you should take lead on just like, maybe I'm like, you know, listen and,

Feel good? Like, we gotta get into that dark heart of his. So, like, you know, like, do you have any, like... What are topics to bring up to people like you? Just get in there and sort of bust his brain open a little. Okay, okay, I'll give it a go. So, English, huh? Yeah. Sounds like you speak it. I speak it as well. It sucks. It sucks.

We're like behind Tony Pepperoni, like giving her thumbs up. Like, so he was like, good job. You're doing good. He like stops walking to class to turn and face you. He's like, this is going to take all my attention. You know what my favorite part of English is, is the acronyms like ISS in school suspension. Oh yeah. You have a pretty bad attendance record. If memory serves quite a problem child, you are scary. Hey, why aren't you on the soccer team anymore? Oh,

That's a very personal question. Why aren't you with your wife anymore? I'm going to have Tony roll for psychic damage. Guys, I think of

really good. Link's already put his hand on Tony's shoulder and giving him like, you can tell us. Like, look. He gets a natural 20 of psychic damage. So he, his knees buckle underneath him and he just falls down on all fours. He goes, oh,

*Groan* Let it out buddy! *Groan* No! No! We drag him into like a nearby like- Like fucking Melgar's Hall. We just drag him into it. No I'm just saying- No! He's just- He's just- *Groan* He's still doing it as you're dragging him- *Groan* As you're pulling him by the arms. Guys give me a hand here. We gotta get out of the hallway before the students come. Scary great work that was so cool! Uh yeah sure. Grab his legs. *Music*

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The nearest room you pull them into is the former debate classroom in which Normal's mother was a debate teacher and all the kids got doodlerized by the mayor. And you still see there's viscera on the walls. Not like human viscera, but like doodler viscera on the walls. You have to like break through a little bit of caution tape to get in there. But this is where you can be not heard. And he's just like, ahhh! And it's just cries echoing off the goopy walls. If I want to be where I'm not heard, I can go anywhere in the school. Get it? Ahhh!

She left me. She left me. Oh, oh, that's Mr. Tony Pepperoni. What is the thing that you desire most in the world? Is that even an ambiguity? Big use question. Why? My wife left me. Look at her. I didn't really leave you. Right.

He shows you the text, which are just, he never sent her a text correcting her and saying, this is the wrong phone number. So you just see an ascendingly graphic litany of texts about all the things that she wants a Ralphie to dick her down up and sideways around. And she goes, he goes, she's left. She's left me for Ralphie. Another way of thinking about it. It's pretty cool that despite how much she likes this guy, Ralphie, she still hasn't left you. So like that says something, right? Roll persuasion with disadvantage.

So 13's not gonna do it. He's gonna go, no! You know principals make so much fucking money, don't you? She's just trying to suck at the teat of big principal money until she can buy a new place for herself. Hold on, hold on, hold on, Mr. Pepperoni. I deserve it. Oh, no, well, let's not go there. You're telling me that you folks, are you still living together? In a sense. But you feel distant. I mean, she comes home with three of the morning sticking of joy and cum. Ha ha ha!

And then I gotta get up a couple hours later and I'm like, honey, do you need anything? And she's like, no. That's why she's not just like me. She goes, I've been taken care of quite sufficiently. And so I go, okay. And I wake up Margarita and we go to school in silence.

And I get here and I zone out. I just sit in the back of teacher's room so nobody looks at me and I just think about my life and where I went wrong. This is really heavy. Wow, this is a team huddle. Team huddle, everyone, just give us one second. I just want someone to fix me or kill me. You heard him. He wants to be killed. No, no, no. We really bit off a lot here. This is a little out of my depth. I mean, like in a movie, what would we do? Like set him up with a new girlfriend or something? Should we get him out? What do we do? Well, first, I'm just saying.

that many, many great animes are about guys with options. So maybe if we get him a bunch of possibilities, maybe we should reach out through our networks and find other maybe young, hot, single principals in the area. I just don't, I don't know. I've seen the pictures, but like my understanding is like once you get married, like you love each other, it just stays that way. So like I think he's misunderstanding the situation, baby.

I know these pictures look pretty bad, but like, I don't know. I've talked to my dads and like, it's just, it doesn't sound like a marriage I've heard of. I don't know. I'm freaking out. Tony, just a quick smile. He turns to you. His fucking face is red. I take a picture of all of his faces. He looks like he's like, his face is contorted into agony. His cheeks are fucking red and there's tears rolling down his face. And I text Miss Hale. I say, interesting question, Mark. I said, yeah.

Quick, wait. Oh, no, it's the only grown-up we know that's, like, single. Here, I've got this covered. I take the picture, and I upload it to Tinder, and I say...

Lonely, lonely, sad, sad man looking to be lonely. Oh, say he spends all day with kids. What? Say he's with kids all the time. Say he's with kids all the time. He's good with them. Don't say he has kids. Say he's with kids all the time. Okay, has no time for you, only with kids. Doesn't that make him hotter? Scary, scary, scary. Make sure to say he's six feet tall. Six foot one.

Wow, okay, good, good, good. Good thinking, good thinking. And has a beard. You can grow a beard, right? Yeah, given enough time. Oh, makes thousands of dollars. Beard compatible. Makes literally thousands of dollars a year. Makes thousands of dollars a year. Drooly emotion face. Eggplant, eggplant, eggplant emoji. Eggplant emoji. Oh, he's healthy. Dancing twins emoji. He's a dancer. Yeah. Tony, what are some of your hobbies? Uh...

Do you want a tissue? You got like a big snack bubble. No, I want to feel my feelings. I do like to dance.

uh when nobody's watching though i like sports i like sports entertainment i like uh i like all kinds of physical activity either participating in or watching from a distance um not with kids like i don't care about kids sports that's not a thing for me i find it boring around kids all the time but doesn't like watching kids play thank you yeah put that in make that bold bold

So he knows we're doing this now. Now he's over your shoulder watching you make his finger promo. Let's dance like nobody's watching and please don't watch me dance. Say I like to go hiking. I don't, but... Looking for someone to keep up with me while I...

Hi. Oh, that's good. That's good. Okay. All right. Scary, you're really good at this. Tony, you're kind of launching pretty quick into this. You're feeling good, right? We got through all the bad emotions and now we're ready to fix you, right? That's what's going on? Tony looks at you and he's still- Through all the bad emotions and ready to be fixed. So he's smiling now, but his tears are still falling down his face and he's like trying to force a smile through his face. He goes, yeah, I'm feeling great. You get a text back from Mayhale saying like, to kill? Question.

Stand by. Response is stand by. Oh, yeah. Miss Hilda, I understand. I just text back. Are you single? Mahal says, you're a kid. Yeah, that's not a picture of me. Yes, I'm single. What are you asking? Why? What? Is this man somebody that you could see possibly dating? Or spending the rest of your life with. Spending the rest of your life with.

Link, give the phone to Scary. Okay. Oh, here, Scary. Oh, no, Michelle's not understanding me. Here you go. Uh, hello? We're texting. We're texting. So you text hello. She goes, hi. You don't have to say hello. We're texting. Shut up. Never mind. And she just blocks you. Damn. Oh, no. Why do I need help? Blocked from her phone now. Do you think we should maybe just check in on, like, what the situation is with Ralphie and his wife? Here's what I think. Yeah.

I don't know if we need to attack the Tony problem. Tony, we need to attack this problem from multiple angles. I think this whole Tinder thing, this is a great way for you to see what a cat you are because I think you're going to get a bunch of lovely responses. It's going to do wonders for your self-esteem. But you mentioned something going wrong earlier. You like the moment when your life went wrong. What do you think that was? It was all...

probably after we had Margarita. I didn't give enough time to my, you gotta date your wife, you know? You gotta date her, you gotta treat her like a queen. And I let myself get wrapped up in my work and taking care of Margarita. But you just said you do no work here, basically. Let me treat you like a queen. I still managed to get wrapped up in it because I care. Okay. Let me treat you like a queen and wrap you up.

So, Mr. Tony, I'm assuming you don't like your wife getting dick deep by this person named Ralph, right? Ralphie. Ralphie. It's one thing to tell us, but have you told your wife this?

uh let me explain something to you when you grow up you don't have conversations like that you kind of just look at each other in the distance and sort of make eyes at each other and you don't talk about the stuff that would really hurt because if it really hurts then you have to break up and i was a future teacher of america i gotta teach you something buddy i think you do have to talk to your wife about that and you do need to communicate you're never too old to communicate i thought it's the opposite i thought i thought as you get older you're supposed to be better at communicating i'm

I guess. All right. You want me to call her? Okay. I posted your Tinder profile. Do we have to be here for that? Okay. Thank you. Yeah. No, you should probably be here for this. I don't know what to say. Okay. Yeah. That's great. We'll tell them what to say. All right. All right. I'm calling her.

Ring, ring. That's her ringtone. It's like that scene. It's his voice? No, it's her voice. That's adorable. It's her voice. We sound the same. It's like that scene in Ready Player One when all the people are doing the trivia. He's got like the whole room of nerds for the trivia. Yeah. Ring, ring. And she goes, hello. Say hello. Hey, honey. Hello. It's your husband, Anthony. Let's not go off script, buddy. Okay, sorry.

She goes, what are you calling me for? You're just calling to hear her voice. I'm just calling to hear your voice. And she goes, your voice is the thing. You should talk to yourself. You don't need to call me to hear your voice. It's basically the same voice. Say, but my voice sounds sweeter coming from your mouth. My voice sounds sweeter coming from your mouth. I don't know why I put emphasis on coming like that. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. And she goes, uh...

Are you drinking? School's still in, right? What are you, what's going on? Something's wrong, right? You said you want to date your wife. Do you want to go on a date, honey? We should have date night, right? Yeah. Well, I thought it was that or maybe him addressing the fact that she's cheating on him. What do you think you should do? I spoke first. It's my turn. Okay, you go. Okay, he'll date his wife. All right. I want to take you out on a date. Do you want to go on a date tonight, honey? She goes,

You know, I can't. I've got work. You know, I've got work at the... Is work spelled R-A-L-P-A-F? Is work spelled R-A-L-P-F? And she goes, how do you know about R-A-L-P-F? I mean, wait, no, that's not how it's spelled, Ralph. How do you know about Ralph? Say, you just told me. He leans in real close to the phone and he goes, you just told me.

And she goes, oh, no. Oh, honey, this isn't how I wanted you to find out. You know what? Let me explain. I'd love to hear you explain. He says, I'm going off screen. I'm going rogue. And she goes, look, Ralphie was there for me when I needed a loving hand and other appendages, which you weren't. And it's not entirely a romantic thing. It's mainly just sexual.

And now Tony's looking you guys Say you feel the same way I feel the same way She goes

You feel that about me? About Ralph. Say it. About Ralph. I'm also having sex with Ralph. Wait, are you? And I think I might fall in love with him. And he looks at you like, right? That's what you wanted me to say? Yeah. Sure. So she goes, you're cheating on me? And he goes, does it feel so great? Does it? Does it feel so great? Does it? And she goes, no, it doesn't. I know how I feel. How dare you?

Who's saying this, actually? His wife. Okay, okay. Ha ha ha!

Tony freestyle just speak from your heart tell her how you feel just hope it's time to be vulnerable all right it's freestyle time for Tony Paparazzi I think it's a roll for this I think for Tony right how good is he at it yeah I'll roll for him I don't know if you noticed but I've been in my phone slightly more than usual it's because since Beth brought it up I've been trying to make a tinder profile using only Vincent Kennedy McMahon pictures to see if I get any results so we

So he gets a 13, so it's like above average. Can we help him? I'm gonna help him with that roll. Okay, go ahead. By like, giving him shoulder rubs. You got this, like a cut man in a fucking boxing. An emotional cut man. Emotional cut man. I think that is probably what, a little wisdom roll or something? Or what do you think that is? I would say that's performance? Performance. Just a straight d20, that's an 8. Okay, so an 8, you give a bad back massage, it hurts him. Oh shit, guys help, come on, help me, help!

The pain I feel in my heart and in my shoulders right now is nothing compared to the pain that I'll feel from losing you, my dear Desdemona. Yeah, that's her name. Why are you laughing? Her name's Desdemona Pizza. Desdemona Bologna Pizza. And even though you've been cheating on me consistently with Ralph...

I'm willing to forgive you if you'll just recommit yourselves to this relationship because I'm nothing without you. We're two halves of a pizza and I don't want to be a lonely pepperoni. You know what I mean? What?

Baby, you there? Leakes just finds himself crying for some reason. This is really upsetting. This is so beautiful. What's happening? And he just turns to you guys and goes, she hung up. Guys, I know what we have to do. What do we have to do? I'm pretty sure we just torqued this guy's marriage. Yeah, we gotta kill Ralph. Gotta kill Ralph? Yeah. Well, wait, what's that gonna do, Scary? I,

I don't know. I just know it's the right thing to do. Oh, well. Well, let's table that. Yeah. For now. Tell us about Ralph. Ralph, he's the principal of an opposing high school. Oh, the better one? That's right. He's the principal of Chaparral High School. He's like me, but taller. Oh, he's a really good looking guy. Ralph Fricotta from Chaparral.

all high school. Ralph Ricana. How could she? You're too good for her. I'm glad you think that, but it's not true. She's the light of my life. She was anyway. Now the light is gone. And then I grab him and I cast Beacon of Hope. Wow. This spell bestows hope and vitality.

Choose any number of target creatures within range. I cast it on Tony Pepperoni. So he has advantage on wisdom and saving throws and stuff like that. But for the purposes of role play, he's like, no, if you love her, you go to her. Look, as someone who's lost just so much recently in terms of my relationship with my dad and my uncle. And like, I'm just feeling weird about my whole family. You can't give up on love. You can't give up Tony Pepperoni. Give me a T. Give me an O.

Give me an N. N? Give me a Y. Oh, it's my name. Yeah, it's your name. You're Tony. Look at yourself in the mirror. And I turn around and I point him at the mirror. He's, oh, God. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? No. Then go get her, buddy. And I push him out the door. All right. I'm going. Follow me. Hey, Norval, do you think that maybe his wife's also the problem? We got to kill his wife.

So he drives to... Are we just in the back of the car? Yeah, you're just in the back. He's like, you wanted to shadow me all day, right? All right. Scooch in, I've got a hatchback. Is this what it's always like to be a principal? I mean, yeah, pretty much every day, yes. Cool. All right, here we go. Vroom, vroom. Sorry, that's what my car makes that noise. My car also sounds like me. My car sounds like me. I made it custom.

Yo, Tony, we heard you like pepperoni, so we Tony'd your car so you can Tony Pepperoni. Tony Pepperoni was one of the cars picked for the new reboot of MTV Pimp My Ride. And so it's just like there's a pizza oven in the back. Help yourself to some calzones. No, he's like the one person that won. You know, like Pizza Hut always does the Jurassic Park van or something. It's like, who wins those things? He's got the Jurassic Park van with a pizza oven in the back. Help yourself, kids.

That's the noise it makes when I back up. All right, we're going to my wife's work at the library next to Chaparral High School. Oh, buddy. All right. Oh, bud. So you arrive at the Chaparral Branch Public Library. Just cough before you enter. Make some noise before you walk in. I always cough. I want them to know I'm coming.

Well, not then. Not then. I mean, it's usually, I'm what we call a one pump chump. One cough, one pump, and we're done. All right, so we're going in now. Whatever you do, make sure you're quiet because it's a library. So be polite. Okay. All right, you too. This is as quiet as I get. I'm sorry. All right, so they go in and she's manning the late returns desk for fines and stuff like that.

And he goes, well, well, well, look who's looking awfully fine today. She goes, stop, stop it, stop it. You used that pickup line on me when we first met and it's not cute anymore. It's not funny. It's not sexy. You've been cheating on me. And he goes, no, no, no, no. I wasn't cheating. These four children told me that I should tell you.

That I was cheating. And she goes, what? And she looks at you. Hi, Mrs. Pepperoni. Yeah, we were trying to help him out with your little... My name's Mrs. Pizza. I didn't take his name. Hi, Mrs. Pizza. Wow, good for you. Thank you. We girls gotta stick together. Yeah, I mean, why do I like you?

Anyways, Tony's going to talk now. You were mostly talking to us. Tony's going to talk now. You were mostly talking to us on the phone. We did a bad job. So we're just here for moral support for our favorite principal because he's a really good principal. I'm sure he's a good father and husband too. I'll have you also know that I did a summer internship as a peer counselor. So I have some experience resolving interpersonal disputes. I'm also training as a backup plan to be a therapist if I can't become a mascot. I would

I would love to offer my services to help you guys work through these issues that you're having. You can call him Professor Oak. Jokes only for Anthony. I mean, I'm amazed that that didn't get more of a reaction. I'm sorry. Desdemona goes, sure, I guess you can be the mediator. Can you tell my husband, soon to be ex, that I don't love him anymore? And how does that make you feel?

Which one of us? Desdemona or... Desdemona. It makes me feel irritated that I'm still married to him and I want to be over with it so I can live with Ralphie full time. No.

Wait, you're the mascot kid? Where's the suit? One moment, please. And I have an inflatable Teeny the Teen emergency helmet that I keep in my back pocket and I spend 10 minutes blowing it up and come back with it on. All right. Roll deception. I feel like Constitution maybe to see if I blow it up all the way. What do they do for 10 minutes while you're blowing it up? Yeah. So they just sit there in silence for 10 minutes. You guys can figure out what they're doing for 10 minutes. I'm going to go inflate my inflatable Teeny the Teen head. Oh, I go, excuse me, Ms. Pizza. Ms. Pizza. No.

No, it's still Mrs. It's just Mrs. Pizza because I'm married, but I didn't take his name. I miss pizza, too. So my question is, where are the computers? I have some animated printout. There are computers in the back there near the kids section. Ah, yes. In the open air zone so everybody can see whatever you're doing on the computer so don't try any funny stuff. That is fine. I will be right back, everybody. All right. I walk over to scary. The only person who stayed here, I guess.

hey okay scary you're like more worldly i think than the three of us like we need him to not be lonely but i'm pretty sure if he stays with his wife he's just gonna stay lonely because this isn't any sort of relationship i've seen this seems pretty like a movie really like a bad one so like what do you think i mean as the phantom of the opera once said he could learn to be lonely yeah oh that's great i think he kind of already knows how to be but like you're talking about like

Like, be good at it. Normal's... Guys, I'm back. I got an 11 on my constitution roll. So I have a sad half deflated Tina. Look, Tina the teen is in all of our hearts. He's in all of our spirits. You're just going to deal with me. That thing is horrible looking. I'm sorry. I'm not as strong as I think I am. I don't think I am. I'm not that strong. But that's my thing and I'm shouldering that burden as best I can. We're going to fix your marriage so Tony won't be lonely anymore. That's the name of the game today. So, um...

Whatever problem you're having with him, why don't you just say it so we can get over it and you guys can be happy and he can be happy and we can save the world. Desdemona says, there's nothing to fix. The marriage is over. I don't care about him anymore. And whatever feelings he has toward me are irrelevant. It takes two to tango, as we say. And Tony says, we do say that. No, I would do anything for you. I love you more than anything. Oh, you guys have sayings. How cute. We did. As you were on your computer checking out anime, you're a...

to your right, and you turn and you see Hero Garcia looking over your shoulder, looking at your anime search. She just goes, pretty wishly if I say so myself. I take it you're a true expert in this regard. Yeah, sorry. You're still on the Toy Stories 1 through 3? I've evolved to Toy Story Gaiden, the prequel series.

Wait, is that the one where Buzz and Woody? No, no, no. That's the sequel to our story five. Love is war. Where Woody and Buzz get married. What are you doing here? I am trying to save the world. What are you doing here? Oh my God. Get a room. Where are you scary? Are you across the library? I'm like way far away. I'm so far.

Really quiet your voice travels. We're trying to save the world We're trying to help Tony pepperoni fix this fucked up marriage by the power of anime It sounds like two different things my huge world is saving a fucked up marriage. Will you fucking show how much you fucking know you? Fucking hate you so much Fucking car crash I will

I will fucking kill you first. I will fucking murder you. I will fucking murder you. Which my brother never befriended you in the fucking first place. I'm going to find where you sleep and I'm going to throw a pipe bomb in your bedroom. I'll fucking catch it in my mouth if it means I don't have to fucking see your face again happily. Once it explodes, once it blows my face wide open like a goddamn chestburster.

I'll still be happier and cuter than you, you dumb fuck. I think we've made some real progress here today. I storm off really angrily. And then as I'm storming off, we cut to inside of Taylor's head. And Taylor goes like, one step closer to making her fall in love with me. We go into Hero's head. She's like, I'm going to kill that guy.

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All right, back to the normal team. Normal did not even see that his sister was just here. He just felt like a sort of twinge of irritation on the back of his head. Who's talking over there? I feel like I can felt sins, dot, dot, dot. Desdemona, I'd do anything for you, but it appears that ship has sailed for you. She goes, yep, I just, the passion's not there anymore. Whatever I usually hold for you, I hold for that guy over there. And she points behind you, normal, and the principal chaparral is there, and he's looking down at your teeny-petene costume with, like, hungry eyes. LAUGHTER

And his hands slowly move toward it as if to pluck it off of your scalp. Hey, don't touch him! What, me? Hey, that guy just touched that kid! Yeah, give the cup! Give the cup! Rolls a session. I'm helping, I'm helping. Goddamnit. Oh, Taylor. Taylor, I think, runs in from the back, being like, yeah, yeah, I saw it! I recorded it on my phone! I got a natural 20 plus 3, babe. Oh my god!

So immediately the library security guard goes, "Hands off the kid!" And he's like, "What, me?" The security guard starts chasing after him, he goes, "Oh no!" And he starts running. Tase him, Tase him, bro! He's just a library security guard, they don't give him stun guns. In the future-- They give them real guns. This is America, baby! Uh, the video you have of him going, "I didn't touch a kid!" and running goes viral.

And Chaparral's principal will in ensuing weeks be known as like, I didn't touch a kid guy. Yeah, that's the pithy nickname they give him. The I didn't touch a kid guy, Chap pervert. So he runs exits pursued by a library security guard. She goes, oh, great. I put my boyfriend in hot water. I think I was going to solve things for you. Think I was going to make it easier for you. He put that on himself. He didn't. He was just trying to take the costume.

And why would he do that? Because it's an ongoing thing between... Or because it was on a kid. If you're trying to convince me that my boyfriend is a pedophile by something that I just saw you make up, you're going to have a hard time of it. Man, this is hard. That's why I told you to kill him. You know what, guys? Let's back it in. I got to get you back to school anyway. No! Look! Okay. Tony Cabroni. Huh? Okay. We have to take the place of his wife.

Because I think that's not going to work out. No, I just think that's not going to work out, but we have to make him not lonely, so I think we just have to become his best friends. I'm going to say, well, you guys became my best friend. I'm not lonely anymore. But wait, but this is going to be a problem. Oh, that's really sweet, though. Yeah. Thanks. That was easy. It was like we just hung out. Somebody's like, shut up. This is a library. Link, we have other things we have to do, so unless you're proposing that we take shifts being friends with our friends. Wait, what else do we have

to do we literally have to save the world one of the first step to save the world is make this guy not lonely yes first step how do you start a journey of a thousand miles well maybe we become really good friends we'll become like a new sidekick for us or something it would be helpful i was just saying this is the next one step at a time what's the step we have to make him not lonely so what do you propose i'm saying we make him not lonely by like hanging out with him i turned up tony and his wife desdemona oh is it just like a sons and sons ability thing her name's desdemona is she and whatever we're just that's one for the fans figure that out

Fucking do it, Andy. Fucking figure that out. Mr. Pepperoni, Miss Pizza, in all six months as a pure counselor, I've never encountered a case as tough as this one. And I just want to thank you both for sharing your feelings today, being honest. Sometimes the truth is beautiful, even if it's hard to stomach. And I just want to say I think we made some real progress today. And Tony, do you want to be our best friends? I'm going to have him roll.

How vulnerable is he right now? Yeah, he rolled a 12, so he's pretty vulnerable. I'm going to give you a plus three because he's so vulnerable. He goes, yeah, you know what? Yeah. If I can't feel the joy and the love in my heart that I felt when I was young and I met you, Desdemona, I guess I'll feel it with these kids. Like, platonically, again, I'm going to just hang out with these kids now and protect them the way that you didn't protect my heart. We're going. Okay.

And he leaves the library with all of you. Meet your competition lady. He's doing just fine. So all the blogs update me and go, all principals are pedophiles.

Every single one of them in San Dimas. As we're leaving, I think Taylor has like a literal stack that's above his head of just like all the fucking mangas that have released in the time that we've been like away. And he's just like, sorry guys, this is irrelevant, but I just needed some catching up to do on the series. You've got Moana-chan. You've got...

You've got Lightyear's song. Oh, no, that's Guyton. That's Toy Story Guyton's Lightyear. Also, as you're driving to and from the school, you see it's kind of like Escape from New York-y. Because the mayor has still not been caught, and the mayor's acolytes are kind of still running around, so you see doodlerized, wide-eyed people smiling just like the mayor trying to tip cars over.

And while you're driving around, Tony Barbarone is like, yeah, this has been happening in the past couple of months. The main thing is just to not slow down. The one with the big sign that says, don't let in these four kids and it's got pictures of all of you. Yeah, that one's still around. So that's the world also. Go ahead and roll to see how effective your anime therapy, your manga therapy is. Hey, Tony. Yes, I have here. We just cut you back at school. He's like, I don't want to sleep at home anymore because it's her place. So I'm just going to sleep in my office. But let's go to the AV room and watch some anime. Okay.

Well, no, I printed out the animes for him. I guess we can do it. I guess we do the library. Yeah. Okay. Well, manga and anime are two separate things. I would assume you would know that.

Listen. Damn. Taylor should have to roll psychic damage. Taylor also goes like, when dealing with a layperson, it's important to slowly introduce new terms. If I was truly a layperson, you would just call it Japanimation and left it at that. You know it. I did two damage to myself. Yeah. Go ahead and roll for manga. Feels like an Arcana roll to me. I think Arcana or history is probably fine. 16 plus two, 18. 18. He's like, oh, I see the appeal of this. And a month goes by. What?

What do you do the next month of your friendship with Principal Tony Pepperoni? You said yourself you have time. There's nothing else you're doing. So a month goes by and you just watch all of the favorite animes of Taylor's. Okay, in that case, what happens to Margarita? Margarita, as you're reading anime, like the style of a kindergartner where Taylor is holding up in the book and like reading the captions aloud to the room and then turning the page. So it's a montage of like us every morning. We like bring Tony like donuts and a coffee. We tell him he's doing great. We'll see you after school.

And then after school, we just watch anime with them. Yeah, you watch anime. And we just become his friend. And every day around three, when school gets out, Margarita peeks in her head and she's like, Dad, I'm going home. And he's like, yeah, tell your mother that, well, it doesn't matter. And she goes, ugh. And she just closes the door and leaves. Damn it, Margarita's undoing all the good work we're doing. Well, then halfway through the month, we all take a step to Margarita. He's like, hey, Margarita, how are you doing with all this? Like, your dad seems like...

You love your dad still, right? Of course I love my dad. I just wish they would fucking divorce already. I'm sick of it. They argue all the time. They would be better apart, but they just like, well, they are apart. Yeah, they are apart now. I'd be like permanently, properly apart. You know, I don't know if you've ever been a child of separation or not. My mom's first marriage didn't go super well. So that's why I also kept her name and not Tony pepperonis. But like, you know, divorce is actually pretty good if the marriage isn't going well. And so right now they're in this stupid holding pattern and you're just sort of putting, you know, you're trying to salve this wound, uh,

It seems like they're kind of trying to do it for you. Maybe you're the problem. Whoa, whoa. Rolled persuasion. Or.

Or intimidation. I got a seven. All right. She goes, no, I'm not the problem. Maybe you're the problem. Maybe they saw you and they thought, ew, if a girl that ugly can exist, then I don't want to be alive anymore. Guys, we need to kill Margarita. We need to kill Margarita. No, it's scary. Can you come to, we've been watching anime with your dad every day after school for like six hours every day. That's what your dad does after school now. That's what he does? I hoped he just had an affair. No.

Oh my god. But very clearly not at all. Can you come watch anime with us tomorrow? I guess. Taylor, is there like any good anime that's like about like this? You know that like sometimes art can make people like you know, Marky's gonna be here tomorrow. Wait! It's just like in that classic TV series Final Fantasy XIV Dad of Light where a dad and their son bond over playing Final Fantasy XIV together. Like maybe he'll bond

with his daughter and like then you know we can kind of offload this emotional burden onto her yeah problem anymore and he'll be fixed or show me a bird and like you know like my dad's tell me like I'm like the light of the world and like every day they're not lonely because I exist so like shouldn't like Tony be less lonely because he's got a kid like they should spend more time together so like yeah let's start I don't know sometimes spending time with your kid or your dad makes you more lonely never it's the best thing in the world whatever speak for yourself I am it's the best thing in the world scary

Anthony, have we, has he gotten any hits on his Tinder bio? Well, I haven't finished making it. Oh, I see. You're making it for real. Yeah. I was going to make it for real and then see if you get anybody. It has been a month. Like, I feel like we can do a roll. It's a month. Go ahead and somebody just give me a straight up luck roll.

roll. It's not luck. Nine. I only got one hit. She said she'd go on. We made it. It was us. It was you guys. It was a literal horse. Yeah. It was a picture of a horse. And then I got another one that it was from somebody that said they needed a hundred roses to go on a date with me. I don't even know what that means. This is a prostitute. I do know what that means. I know what that means.

And I gave her 100 roses. She was really upset. So yeah, no luck on the old tender for Anthony Pepperoni. Oh, hey, Margarita's going to join our one month anniversary of anime clubs. Oh, hey, you want to watch anime with your old man? And she goes, oh my God, I'll do it once. Once. Okay, you get one of these. So what are we watching, I guess? Oh, there's an old adaptation called Parent Trapper.

That's the opposite of the lesson. That's what my parents came back together. Four. Four. Oh, that's a good one. Parent versus parent. Parent versus parent. Which mirrors. Oh, my parents, my dad said I couldn't watch that one because it was a bad lesson. Two. Two.

Two twins scheme to get their parents divorced. Roll a D20 arcana. They're quadruplets at this point. Yeah, they're quadruplets. They're a force to be reckoned with. That's what the cover says. The whole time we're watching, we've set up seats in the classroom when we watch, like on the projector. And I'm sitting right behind and in between Tony and Margarita. And like anytime something that seems relevant, like I kind of whisper, I like lean into Margarita. He's like, your dad probably feels that way.

And then like, and then like, it's like, you know, Margarita, I want to hear that from you sometime. So I got just like the whole anime. All right. Taylor, roll Arcana and Lincoln, roll Persuasion as you whisper these things. 14 plus two, 16. Wow. I got like the good like laser disc print. You know what I'm saying? I got a natural one.

So, Tony's really into the fucking movies. Like, wow, Lindsay Lohan was really an underutilized talent. In anime. Yeah, in anime. She's a great voice actor. That's how she came back around. That was her second act. Yeah, she boasts Broly in. But Margarita, as you lean over, like, oh, your dad might like to hear that kind of stuff. She's like,

This is the most transparent fucking thing I've ever seen. You think a shitty anime is going to make me repair my relationship with my dad? No. Hey, you, hey. This is a waste of my time. This is a waste of my dad's time. You are enabling him. It's disgusting. I am out of here. And she leaves. If you guys are still down with killing her, I am.

Yeah, maybe. I'm so bad at this, guys. This is hard. It's been a month. It's been a month and we haven't had no progress. This whole adventure's been a month. We've done so much in a month. This is a whole month. I look deep within my soul to see if we've made any progress whatsoever. Yeah, yeah. That insight. I got a 19. Okay, so with a 19, you can tell that I've basically given loneliness hit points, so to speak, and you're trying to get them to zero. So we started out with 10. He is down to 8.

Oh, I have an idea. Is it like something bad happens if we don't do this in time? Is there like a sort of Damocles if we keep doing this? Yeah, because it's like five months like we could get him down to zero. I have one more point. I don't think I could last five months watching anime. Also, all this stuff with Margarita Pizza, he was like, I just want to watch anime now.

This has been the best two months of my life. Guys, it's been a while. Remember my dad's, they would always throw, you know, dinner parties for like the neighbors and stuff. Like maybe he needs adult friends.

Why don't we ask my dad, like, you know, especially since other dads like on fucking whatever we've lied about for a month on vacation or whatever work vacation for a month that Marco believed. I can tell him that maybe just singles. There doesn't have to be anything like sexual about this. Just like, you know, just like maybe he gets invited to like adult dinner party. Adult companionship. Just hang out. That's the best.

So like, of course he's going to be less lonely if he's hanging out with my dad and his friends. What if I had like an even cooler adult friend? Sure. He can come. Are they? Wait, is it Willie? No. Okay. Well then. Sounds like it's Willie. It's not. It's scary. It's my God grandmother. Your God grandmother. Wow. That's pretty. I don't even know. I am the God grandmother. What's her name?

Great

What's up? So I know we haven't really talked at all, but I'm looking to find an adult friend for my adult friend. This is like how you call a fucking call center for like prostitutes. Yes, a prostitute call center. It's for a friend. Prostitution hotline, how may I direct your call? And then you're really circumvent about it.

yes i need an adult friend for my adult friend oh yes that's why we're here that's why we the prostitution call center are here um he's looking for a good time can we roll to see if we know yeah roll insight with disadvantage because it's over the phone i got an after one 12 plus 3 15 okay

I got 12. Taylor knows that it's not necessarily whoever Scary is saying it is. So he needs some friendly companionship, does he? Yes. Well, I loved you, but I'm currently a bit in despair.

Hey, wait a minute. This sounds familiar. Well, maybe we could bring the pizza to you. What? That was a dinner party, Scary. We're going to my house. What? Okay, but the door's going to have to be open for me to get the pizza.

I can't eat pizza through a locked door. I should have really thought about this before I dialed this number. Was that really scary? I mean, you've got everything you need to open the door, so just get the thing to open it.

Hey, Scary, this sounds a lot like you're just talking to Willie. I can't believe you guys don't believe women. Oh, my God. I, more than anyone, believed in the power of a zany scheme to fix all of his problems. But we've been at this for months, and I'm starting to think the problem might be within. It might be Tony. So, listen, I think we should just level with him about what's going on. I think he needs that kick in the ass. I go up to Tony and say, Tony. Yeah.

It's been two months, man. Oh, I'm sorry. Is two months not enough time to get over a divorce for you? Do I need to be going faster with the love of my life and the love of my child leaving? You just need to buck up because you've got like, there's a monster inside of you. And if we... I know. Metaphorically. Look, you either guys stop being lonely or we're going to have to kill you. That's the situation. Roll intimidation.

It's a 12. A 12. I mean, that's a little strong. You're coming out a little strong for that. I already feel like I'm dying inside anyway, so what's the point? Well... I mean, nobody's killing anybody. I'm just miserable all the fucking time. I wish I was dead, kind of, but it's a fucking bad dinner party. You want to go hang out with some adults and not us? Honestly, kind of, yeah. It's been two months. I've only been seeing you kids. It's fucking weird. In an office?

Or a headquarters? No, what are you going to do at my house, Gary? I mean, you can invite somebody if they can freely on their own will get to the party. Welcome to come, Gary. I call the real Beth May. Really? Yes. Hey, will you come to this party? Hello, who is this? You don't know me really. How did you get this?

Your friend is like my step-step-grandfather. Oh, you're scary! Yeah, so, okay. No, stop being so scary! I'm petrified! Oh, that's real funny. I bet you're a real hit at parties. Damn.

Oh my God. That's so good. Got him. Okay, so will you come to this party or whatever? Okay, if you want me to come to a party, Beth May loves to party. She sure does, I guess. Okay, yeah, here's the address. Yep. Yep, and it's going to be now. No, 7 p.m. tomorrow. 7 p.m. tomorrow. We got to make dinner. Should I bring copies of Mom New?

Don't do that. Do you have any food allergies? I'm allergic to bullshit. That's cool. She sounds awesome. She's fine, I guess. See you then. I said Marco a text that just says, Daddy, you gotta throw a dinner party at 7pm tomorrow. And he just goes, what?

It's important. I have a friend. He needs our help. Hey, there's a guy who's going through a divorce. He's really lonely. He's our principal. You've met him. He just needs a good time. And also, I think it would be nice for you to spend some time since dad's been away for so long. This is what my text says. Roll persuasion with advantage because that's a good argument.

He got a six with advantage. He goes, I'm not hosting a party for an adult man. I'll do everything. I'll do everything. I'll do everything. Well, the cook, all you have to do, dad, you deserve it. All you have to do is sit down and enjoy time with your friends. Okay. You just want me to invite my friends. And then also you're going to separately invite some sad divorce guy. You made it, Mr. Pepper.

Brody, you've met him before. I have, but he's not my friend. Yeah, I know. He just needs to... He just... Oh, yeah. Hey, we're all here. Yeah, they're going to help out. I can't wait for your dad to get home. What is a stranger but a potential future friend? Just... Fine. I'm not cooking anything, but I will not

Oh, we could get catered by Sonics. Yeah, we'll figure out something. I'm not paying for Sonics. Yeah, no, you don't have to pay. Well, you're going to have to. I don't have my own money, but like. We'll get dinner. Don't worry about it. We cut to the party. Okay, great. Everyone is here. Tony Pepperoni. Marco Wilson. Can we do a thing where we also like posted it on like Craigslist or something? Parties are us. We don't need wild weird people coming. We need eight adults. Ha!

Eight normal adults. It's a dinner party. It's not fucking 18-day drink. Not sexual, question mark? Is there a Craigslist ad with my hat dress on it saying any adult who wants a good time, come here. You're right, Matt. I wasn't thinking. You're right. That's not how adult parties work. So the party is bumping. You're listening to the Baja Men. That's...

Beth May shows up with a bottle of Everclear. Tony is there in the corner, just kind of not talking to anybody. Everybody's having fun conversations. Beth and Marco seem to be getting along. Old Beth May. Don't call me Old Beth May. You got some fucking cheek on you, child. I'd like to introduce you to somebody. Yes? Over here. I introduce Old Beth May to Tony Pepperoni. Nice to meet you. I'm Tony Pepperoni. I'm a school principal. She goes, I'm Beth May. I do many things. I'm a poet. I'm a voice actor.

I'm a regular actor. I'm a writer. Okay, we get it. I'm a podcast. Tony, why do you think about that? I'm going to see if Tony has, there's a spark. Is there a spark of attraction? He goes, I hate this woman. Everything about her seems wrong to me. Okay, all right, all right, all right. If anybody would like to, though, they can roll perception.

I got a four. I got an actual one. What the fuck? I got a 28. You and only you normally notice that Tony Pomeroy keeps sneaking glances at Marco. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Your dad seems really nice. Yeah, he's the greatest. I mean, he's top two people in the world. Yeah, I definitely feel like I don't make that list. Well, yeah, the other one's my other dad.

Those are the top two. I heard that. That's why I was agreeing with you. Yeah. Hey, hey, hey, hey, cheer up. I should have done this. What's up? I just wish someone would kill me. I'm saying, guys, it'd be so easy. Would it help if I told you that I'm racist? I got real fucked up opinions about women, too.

scary pulls out the kellogg knife okay i have bad news what i'm getting vibes i'm getting vibes between tony pepperoni and marco i think he likes your dad yeah everybody likes my dad no but i mean i think he likes likes your dad i mean okay hey so look good luck he's gonna compete with grant so okay but like maybe if you look kind of let him compete a little

Yeah, maybe. How much do you trust? I mean, like, look. All I'm saying. Sure. I don't know. I mean, we need to save the world. I mean, I feel like it's probably going to be a dead end. I feel like it's going to make a more lonely. He is rejected by the best dude in the world. I just rolled self and I got a 17 plus two. Somebody else will roll perception opposed.

Whoever you're doing a thing to. Who has the garage door opener? I think Link does. I got an 18. So I steal the garage door opener from Link and I click open. Are you just doing it from where you are? I'm doing it from where I am. Okay, cool, cool, cool. All right, well, the party continues as

as normal then for a bit. We just gotta let them party. All the kids just go upstairs and we just play video games. The adults are having a party. I'm just hoping that the party goes well. Beth's downstairs signing autographs and after about an hour, you hear a really loud knock on the door. You hear Marco go, oh my god, are you, do you need a, and you hear a voice go, no, I'm fine, I'm fine, you should see the other guy. Where's your, uh,

You have a son, right? And then you hear some murmuring and murmuring and murmuring. Can we peek down the stairs? You sure can. Yeah, because we heard a loud knock. Like, scampy kids in a... Yeah. Guys, did you hear that loud knock? I want to see who's coming to the dinner party. You can roll stealth if you like, if you want to do it without being spotted. Jeez, fuck it. I got six. You peek over the step, and then you fall down the steps loudly. And as you roll to a stop, you see Willie there with two big black eyes. His mouth is bleeding. His nose is bleeding. He's got dry blood all over his face. Looks like parts of his hair have been ripped out.

And he goes, hey, just the guy I wanted to see. Oh, you solved the riddles? Yeah. I instantly put my hands up to my pocket. And it's not there. What the? Yeah, good to see you. Oh, scary. And he looks at you and he follows Scary's gaze to Tony Pepperoni. And he looks back at Scary and he goes,

Just say the word. Go ahead. Okay. And he pulls a knife out of one of the knife holders and just stabs Tony Pepperoni in the throat with it. I'm going to see if Tony Pepperoni rolls anything to avoid that. No, he doesn't. He rolls a six to avoid it. He goes, wait, what's going on? And Willie just stabs him in the throat with a knife. Marco starts screaming. Everybody starts screaming. Beth May is like, metal. And it starts running. I run to Tony Pepperoni. It goes...

Mr. I hold his hands. I cast cure wounds on him. Wait, stop. What do you mean? I cast cure wounds on Tony. Okay. So as you move forward with glowing hands to cast your cure wounds on Tony Pepperoni, you have to move past Willie, which means he gets an attack of opportunity. So give me a strength saving throw. Okay.

I got a four. Okay, so Willie got a six. So you feel his arm grab onto your shoulder and shove you really hard up against the counter. And you feel his forearm just pinning you there. And he goes, it's over. It's already happened. It's done. It's done. It's okay. It's fine. It's fine. And Link is there holding Tony Pepperoni. And Tony's like, hey, man, I'm here. You're not alone, man. I'm here with you.

And he tries to say something, but he got stabbed in the throat. So the coughing up of blood makes his words almost entirely unintelligible. All you can make out is Margarita. And the rest of it is completely unintelligible. And he slumps over dead and he's bleeding onto the tile floor. And Marco has grabbed a knife and he's pointing it at Willie. And he's really nervously holding it out. I look at Sky and I go, where's the opener? Shouldn't you say thank you? Do you have the opener?

Yeah, I have it. Get the fuck out of my house, Scary. And I push her out of the house. Wow. As you go to push her out of the house, I'm assuming you're ignoring Willie, but he's walking with you being like, hey, come on. It's not her. Come on. You had to do it. You had to do it. She told me on the phone. Oh, come on. Come on, Willie. Guess these guys don't see when you've done them a favor. See you fucking narcs. Narcs. As you watch the silhouettes of Scary Marlo and Willie Stampler walking into the distance, you slam the door shut behind them.

Not today, no, not today.

tomorrow

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlowe and myself, Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashton Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing and Robin Rapp is our transcriber. We got ourselves a Patreon and on that Patreon are fine ass people who support us. People like Kobe Hackett.

Happy New Year, everyone. Welcome to another pulse-pounding year of Dungeons & Daddies. We hope you had a good holiday. And if you're looking around for maybe, I don't know, a New Year's resolution, why not settle on treating yourself with more dad content? I'm Ted.

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It's great. I love it. I'm a big fan of our Patreon. You can see everything that's on it by going to dungeonsanddaddies.com slash Patreon and just like scroll down, see all the stuff that you can listen to, watch, enjoy. It could all be yours. And this one's an easy New Year's resolution. You just have to go to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads and you can get it. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our Twitter, dungeonsanddads. Our subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies. And our next episode is coming out January 31st, every two weeks, just in case you're new here. Okay, bye. We gotta pick ourselves up.

This is Beth May. Hi. I know we've never, like, talked. The Immortal Soul Savage Yard 2 is on sale now. It took you that long, bitch? It's really good.